Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 58

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

Chapter 58 - Up Above Ye Ftreetf And Ye Houfef. It's a chapter of two parts as the stone gods curse the first recording and end it after 15 minutes (Richard did another half an hour which you could only have heard if you hid in a bush). But then we pick it up a day later. It's the 2nd and 3rd March 2020 and we have the stone clearer cure for the coronavirus, which was much better in the lost podcast. Plus forgiveness from the stone gods, a rude teenager and finally a chat about the road works with a passerby. The lost podcast was amazing though.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Alright, careful, careful, careful, careful, careful. Wait, wait, wait. Here you go. Good girl, wolfs. Oh, come on. Whoa, what's going on here? Come on, wolfs. Whoa, good girl. Well done. Up you go. Good. Good morning to you. It is 8.12 a.m. It's the second of March. We're already into the third month of this year.

2020 of our Lord, Jesus Christ, as you know from previous podcasts. One of the most famous stone clearers in history, but by no means the first. Some called him the Mephire. I would say that Mephire waf yet to come. Have he arrived already? It's not my position to say. It's overcast today. Did Jesus have a podcast? That's what I want to know. I don't think he did, unless you can the Bible, which I don't because it's written by other people. So, yes, it's an overcast day. The ground beneath is muddy. It's been raining a lot. The roads out here in Hertfordshire have been turning into rivers that have been predicted by stone clearers of old.

At that time, the byways shall become as fivers and a river. It's not easy to do this stuff. So, there's some work going on there. I don't know what's happening there. Anyway, we might try for a longer stone clear today. There's been some shorties recently, and it might be time to give you a bit more insight into what's going on around the field. I've got my eyes peeled. Well, one caught my eye, and then some others caught my eye, and the one that caught my eye has been lost to me. That's always a danger. It called to me, and then I went to another. And there's lots here, actually. There's a lot of stones out here in the field. Oh, Puffy doing a poo. She has been desperate to come out to be fair.

I'm going to pick that one up, because the spots are drawn in, even though it's on the verge. It's only just on the verge. There's another stone clear wood to come here, step out, slide it off the pathway. Might get poo on this shoe. We don't want that. We don't want another stone clear economy. This is mine. This is my field. We know that, so keep away. Well, it's complete. You can come and look at it in one day until then. Keep get off my land. I can't believe we've been down to 58. I'll cross 69 if you include the summer time special, the summer time special. I also can't believe how many stones are out here. It's like I haven't even done anything.

The new stones have grown. There's been no, I guess the rain may have washed away the soil to reveal many more stones below. That could be the answer. I prefer to see the stones growing, coming to the surface, wanting to be cleared. Dreaming that today will be their day. After waiting out here for Caramaceon's, the one to come. He had come and he shall save them. It's been a disappointing lack of dog walkers in recent podcasts. I know as the stone stars, they've just got better at hiding their surveillance. Although, just those dog walkers have died off over time as nature dictates. Oh, that's the little hassahoff I've spotted. Not too far out. It's got a nice one.

I mean, this whole field needs a couple of mediums here that I've picked out, but I could have picked up 20 or 30 just in this meter square around that. Those two stones. My hands are cold. I'm not wearing stone clubs today, as nature intended. I'm really feeling the freezing cold of these stones, but this year so far we haven't really got into any kind of proper cold. The future me and the past me would laugh at me saying these stones are cold. They're not freezing to my fingers, sticking to me. Wolfie spotted some crows out in the field. What's your picture? You guys don't stop taking my stones back onto the field. It's the opposite of what's meant to be happening.

You're a good girl if you're starting to collect them. So I've got to go out to pick up the one that I just cleared, clear it again. Wolfie again running for it, thinking it's a game she does not know how serious. My enterprises. Many people still laughing at me thinking this is some kind of joke. Well, they laughed at Jeffrey Dahmer, didn't they? Once upon a time. That wasn't a really good example. They laughed at Noah, didn't they? Noah, building a ship in the middle of the land.

And yet, they didn't laugh at him for long. I don't know why he was the only one left. Why did he tell the story about everyone laughing at him? He should have just said that everyone thought he was great, but they all died anyway. That's why I'm done. I've been Noah. You're the only witness to your triumph. The victors tell the stories and write the histories. And when this field is cleared, then that time shall come. I will sit down and I will write the book of how I achieved everything.

That is a bit of a bone. I mean, that technically is organic, but I've thrown it off anyway. Stones and bones. I mean, that could have been part of a murder investigation. Again, that's not my business. Yeah, just we're eerily quiet out here, using my foot to dig out quite a nice stone in the path. Wolfie's got it. You might bring it back on again. And that's, you might have to put Wolfie down. She keeps on taking stones that have been cleared back further on to the field as she's done again there.

That one wasn't even on the field and now you put it on the field, Wolfie. Is it you? Is it you? Who's my, are you working for the Stone Starzy? I can't even see the one she put down there. Ah, where did it, where'd you put it? This one? Yeah, I think I found it. I put it on the proper can, Wolfie, so that even you can't do anything about it. That was a good lob. Wolfie hasn't brought it back, so it's no good if you're doubling my workload, Wolfie. I've got a lovely black sliced bit of flint here that's going on to the can in the corner of the field. That isn't really, hasn't really had too much work done bit of late. I have to say the progress I'm making here is not as rapid as I would have hoped.

But the best laid plans of mice and men, I mean, I don't know, mice really plan that much. They tend to work on instinct and their plans rarely go that wrong unless a cat turns up. The stones are teaching me humility. I came here full of confidence, cocking and all. I'm thinking this will be easy. I'm thinking I can make my name, but the stones have taught me maybe my name is not important. If it's telling those who are interested, they've taught me maybe to get the things you really want. You have to work harder than you could ever know. But I refuse to fail, and I know I will look out on this field that is now made mostly stone, and one day it will be all soil. We're approaching maybe 18 months here out in the field.

I'm 52 years old. Realistically, 25 more years of vigorous stone-curing than maybe another 10 to 15 of ambling or amperest using some kind of device to get the stones out bending over. Some would say I've set myself a task that cannot be achieved by a man of my age, so I should have started this 50 years earlier when I was a baby. Perhaps those people are right. I don't think a day goes by when I do not regret the fact that I was not out here as a baby crawling around or cursing my mother and father's names for not just getting driving to Harpershire from Yorkshire on a daily basis, placing their baby in a dirty field and teaching it and encouraging it to get stones off the field. If they'd done that, this podcast would be very different. We'd just be probably finishing off now. So damn you, Barbara, and Keith Herring. You were terrible parents to me, and will feature prominently in my stone-based autobiography when that time comes. Other than that, quite good parents, but that is by the by. So for the first time we're heading for a while, we're heading up the side of the field when I think it's a cold.

I think I do have some gloves in the pocket, but it'll be a sign of weakness to get them out now. I mean, it's really like the coronavirus has hit this field quite early on, because it's really like I'm the only person who walks a dog here now. Like something or someone has driven these people away. That's a mad character. Just making people fear for their safety, behaving in an eccentric fashion. Perhaps it happens out here in the country, but I'm not afraid of those people. And also, I don't see anyone anymore. So they can't be expected to understand what I'm doing, and if they did understand, I'd be worried about them. The people here are simple folks.

They just live their lives without even thinking about building a massive wall to commemorate themselves for all time. I'm hassle-hopping out. Might be able to see if there are people coming, but also I have spotted a good medium, medium out here. Just sitting on top of the field. That's the biggest stone of the day. An absolutely minimal effort to get that out. I've thrown it because I've seen a bit of brick, and I like to get that kind of bit of brick off here as well. I'm feeling a little unfit. I don't know why I've been exercising quite vigorously, but maybe that's why I'm tired. I'll have to start drinking a little bit again, but not to the state of getting drunk while I'm heading out. This is going to be the biggest stone of the day. I think if that's one stone or it is, I've hassled half quite a way out.

That's the biggest stone for a little while. It looks like a sort of the top of a leg bone of a dinosaur. And there are some more bits of old brick work. I really think there probably was a Roman villa here. I hope I can find it and clear it. Oh, but the big stone, that big. Too heavy to get off and cold. Let's stick it on that other stone there. Well, I can be pleased with that.

As I say, I've been exercising a lot. I've run and done the 5Ks. Part runs quite regularly now. Not down to my personal best. About 26 minutes this weekend. So, you know, I'm quite a fit old man. The stones, I think, have helped with that. A little bit of alcohol back in my bloodstream. You'd think it would warm me on a cold morning like this. Right. Well, sorry about that.

The recording came to an abrupt halt for some reason there in the middle of the walk. So, this is Chapter 58, Part 2. It's the next day now. It's March the 3rd. And it's just around 4.30pm, maybe 4.20pm. Yeah, sorry about that. I did carry on talking for a good another 30 minutes with the recording off yesterday. So, we lost a lot with some people here. Whoopee! Come on, darling.

Good girl. Just some workman, actually. Just not touched it. Oh, it's a beautiful rainbow. That doesn't get a photo of that, Wolf. There's a lovely rainbow. My gods have forgiven me for whatever crime I committed yesterday. And have allowed me to come out again. So, that's a positive sign. I was worried when the recording broke yesterday that I'd done something to upset the gods.

But it seems if they were angry, they sent the recognised godly symbol of, I'm sorry, which is a rainbow. The non-existent human god called God. I mean, he didn't even think of a proper name. He did it after he sent a big flood. Sorry about the flood. This one's a bit better. Just sorry about the recording going wrong, Rich. I mean, that's a nice rainbow. There's a nice little touch there. I think after you killed everyone.

No offence to God. The non-existent god. But he is, you know, not enough. Anyway, so I think I don't know how much we were talking about. I remember which bit it got in and which didn't yesterday. There was some very important stuff about the coronavirus. I think I might have touched on it in the first 15 minutes yesterday. But basically, what it boils down to and was beautifully improvised yesterday is that the field is the safest place to be during the coronavirus.

And to be extra safe, you should come here to your field, not my field. I'm in my field, staying it all day away from human contact. No clothes because clothes can, the coronavirus can live on clothes for up to five days. So you need to shed your clothes, come out and live in the field until the epidemic has passed. With no contact with anyone, it should be fine. If you can find a high elevated piece of ground on your field, then you can be vigilant to see if people are coming your way. And there's probably too many people in the field. So I think as long as you're 30, 40 meters from the next nude person, then we can all ride this out.

Some people might say, well, which one people die of exposure? Well, I would just say the week we'll die of exposure. And the ones who God wants to save, or sending his rainbow again, will be saved. So that's simple. So that was the main thing. There was an email from Brian Compost Heap. I can't remember what it was about now. And I said, I'm not going to be scrolling back through all the stone clearing emails that I get to tell you about it again.

We'll see if it's time for some new emails later on. But yeah, it was quite a melancholy podcast, I think. I think I came out feeling, it was a shame we've lost it, but I believe everything happens for a reason. And for some reason, the podcast had to stop. That's a little weird point yesterday. But we'll do a little bit more today just to bring it up to speed. Unfortunately, you will miss the... I went right across the field.

Traversed cut across. I did the stone pole, which I won't be doing today. And hit three out four on the stone pole, but the trick is really big stones and stand quite close. And then you'll find you hit three out of four times. And yeah, I don't know if I just found a big stone yesterday. There was a couple of quite big ones yesterday. So we'll see what comes out the field today. It is looking, I think because of all the rain, it is looking more stony than it used to.

And that must be an optical illusion caused by the rain because I've been taking stones off this thing for nigh on 18 months now. So just logic dictates there are less stones there, not more. So sometimes you cannot believe the evidence of your eyes. Muddy out here today, though it's a cold day, but it's... And I'm gloved this time, which I wasn't yesterday. And the sun is on its way down. It's a journey down to the other side of the flat earth. Obviously the world is flat.

Don't need to put anything into that argument. It's a stone, isn't it? So yeah, I think it's not like two-dimensional, but it's certainly not a circle. It's a good big flat stone. If you were to go down to the edge and crawl around, you'd see the other side. It's the same, just a flat stone, but of course we would just fall off. That's just gravity. If you're going to understand about science, you can't just say, oh, there's gravity in here, but there isn't there.

And that's nonsense. So you'd fall off and die, so don't try it. Wolfie being a good stone dog, chasing every stone I get. Oh, there's a nice little right, it's tiny, but it's round and it's just like an egg. And it's coming off, spotted it. Coming off, and I picked up one of his friends. Some of these stones go into the roots of the trees a lot less. You'll be familiar with by now the layout of the field.

You can probably recognize this from my footsteps, which part of the field I'm in by now, if you believe this thing is properly. I won't patronize you, but it's exactly like that. Interesting thing, a rainbow. So some people remember the 1980s, 1970s kids TV show Rainbow up above the streets and houses. Rainbow climbing high, everyone can see it smiling over the sky. Frowning, I would say. You know, if you look at it in a logical manner, if you're hanging upside down off the world, maybe it's smiling, but if you're looking at it properly, definitely frown. So that's wrong.

And then paint the whole world with the rainbow. I mean, if you did that, I don't think the world would be that great a place with seven colors all over the place. How would that be? It's like red, big strap, a red, big strap, yellow, big strap, orange, sorry, orange and yellow. Oh, I'm coming off. This is the moment we've been waiting for for months. There's no escape in this one. I don't know if there's a man coming right for me.

I've probably walked on the league. I'm not sure this man has a dog. That's what he suspicious and strange who would just walk across the field for no reason. We'll find out when we get there. Oh, speaker. Good girl. Oofy. He didn't even say hello.

What a fucking girl. I was already to have a chat. Give the public what they want. But for that, I didn't take any stands halfway across the field. Walks. Oh, nice bounce. I've sent off the walkie there. You might pick that one up.

You never know. The path was filled. Clump down in hard month. I was really set in. Stones within it. Pretty hard. Nobody else around. So part of that one encounter with a sullen face child.

And slight. Sight of a. What's going on? But there's some nice stones here just as we approach the end of the path. And the main camp, which is good. I mean, too many quick couples. I love the red ones. There's a sort of square red one here.

And that's not orange. It's. Russ, if you're playing the whole ball with the rainbow, it'll be all right at the start. So yeah, I'll just say the rainbow song is stupid, but it was nice to see a rainbow frowning over the sky. Not if one can see it. It could be in a certain position to see.

But it's a single signal and a symbol of hope. I hope that maybe my job will be completed before my semi inevitable death. I haven't given up on the idea. I think we'll try and see through a stone yet. So, uh, watch this space. Oh, nice kick there from me. No, don't pick it up. Don't.

He picked up and brought it off the floor. What'd I do? Nicely picked it off here. And that's on the main camp. It's more or less, oh, nipped that one over the top. Now it's on the top itself, actually. Oh, broke one of those stones it landed, but that's okay. It's with his brother.

Oh, yeah, I find it nice. All I can call a brick is not like the brick ones that are bricks. It's just such a square rectangular shaped stone that it seems like a brick and that's gone on the end of that wall. It's a foundation yesterday. And we're heading downhill now towards the Brexit ditch. We'll do some emails. You missed out on a lot of stuff.

I'm really sorry. And, you know, I didn't tell the coronavirus thing as well as I did yesterday. So it was frustrating for me. But these things are sent by the stone gods to try us. They're wonders to perform. Glad that I live am I. And, you know, maybe some secrets of sound clearing are meant to just be heard by one person and a dog. Sometimes that person and a dog is me and Wolfie.

If you were crouching in the bushes, you might have been the only person to hear it. Think about that next time. Maybe you should spend a little more time crouching in the bushes in the hope of catching a bit of lost podcast. Rather than whatever you are doing, wasting your time doing work and having sex and stuff. You could be out here sitting in a field and you'd also be safe from the coronavirus. That is the beauty of that. So in the next couple of weeks, not to anywhere I am, it's a secret location.

But if you can work it out from the many sound clues I've given you, listen, you should be able to work out where I am. If I see you hiding in a bush, obviously I will stop you in the podcast. So you have to be well hidden. And before you get me, catch a snippet of 10 seconds or so if you're static in one place. Unless you can, I know, somehow try the hide that looks like a bush that you can move along with. And it seems fairly, I wouldn't spot that. I'm fairly observant, but I do have my eyes on the ground sometimes looking for stones.

So you never know. And talking about your few stones going into the ditch hoping to somehow still stop Brexit even though it's actually happened. Well, it was worth coming out again for the rainbow. Bungalow, Zippy, Jeffrey. So what was that all about? Why was that man? So this isn't the forum for brilliant observational stand-up comedy.

Sometimes I forget myself and remember my former life. Well, foolishly I thought that it was just, it was shallow and pathetic that that was a way to make living and to entertain people, make friends. There's no point in any of those things. Just be in a field. You're safe from the coronavirus. You can build a wall, watch out for the workmen looking at you over there. And all is good. So it just remains for me to put a stone onto the alpha and omega arcane that is at the beginning and the end of my journey around the field.

It's not always the end of the journey, rarely my end of the journey of the podcast. Well, you're a wee, didn't you? You happy? I mean, we haven't had a very long walk, but I think you may be able to go and have a quick one later. Because we'll have a bit early for you, won't we? So let's have a quick look. Oh, Brian Compost Heap has been back in touch. He was, but he's doing well right here. So it's a different email.

I mean, it doesn't matter to you, you haven't heard the other one. As I say, I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. I said that yesterday. I imagine if dad was called Heap, his mum was French. Oh, I see what I said. And his question is, what is your favourite stone? You asked that yesterday. Just these emailed again.

I think that will be a good question to ask a stone. I mean, I've said many times, I have no favourites. I don't care what type of stone a stone is, as long as it's a stone. I don't care how big it is, it's the stone. The stone we're on the planet at is still a stone. You can call it a rock, you can call it a disc, whatever you want. It's that disc. Anyway.

Working nearly completed on the garage next to our house. It's crashed into, but I can drive it. Oh, is that part of the van? Better just be careful. Whoopee, can we go and get it cross over? We're going to find a gap in the traffic. That's going to be very fast. There we go.

Hi. Yeah, so hopefully it shouldn't be finished this week, shouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good sign, but they've got the whole door to put on there, so I don't know how long that'll take. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be getting our garage properly though.

All right, come on. Nice little chat there about the work that's being done on the garage. It's smashed into by a drunk driver. It was for Christmas then. OK, come back. Hello everyone, you all right? Aw. Good, good.

Yeah. Don't plan with Richard Herring, start to meet Richard Herring and war for the dog, plus a very rude teenager. And the man who talked about the road works, hopefully, will be over soon. The voice of the batons is my poor friend. He's a very good friend. He's a very good friend. And he talked about the road works, hopefully, will be over soon.

The voice of the batons is my poor friend. And the music is a great thing. And by the way, wonderful for my poor friend. So he is that too, my poor friend. Don't listen to your underhand. Listen to the throats. Listen to the throats. And they, in turn, will listen to you, my friend, my fine friend.

Thank you.