Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 60

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Chapter Fixty - Ricky's Villa? It's 5.45pm on 17th March in the year of the plague. The terrified inhabitants of Richard's village are cowering in their houses, terrified of an invisible virus (the fuperftitiouf fool), but nothing will stop the clearing of the stones. Richard ponders more on the volume of ancient brick in one portion of the field, but mainly seems trying to convince you to follow him on http://twitch.tv/rkherring for live stone clearing and more and to persuade you to give him your free Amazon Prime subscribe (or some money). But his heart remains pure and he comes up with a scheme to cure the country of its malady. Well done on getting on board before stone clearing hit the mainstream.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on again. Well, here we are. Are we there? Is this chapter 60? I think it might be. It's breaking news. It's Tuesday the 17th of March, 2020, with three or four days into the time of plague. Coming longer than that really. It's 1725, and although the world is unlocked down, I have to risk. And there's no one out here to ignore those cars. There's no one out here except me. I don't want to meet anyone out in the field today. I have got to go out. Not for the dog. So that's my subterfuge. But the stones, they must be collected. They must be moved. Nothing can stop me. That is the great British blitz spirit. We all got through the blitz. You know, if you ignore the people who didn't. But we don't have to worry about them. And so it is today. We'll face it away. I feel quite desperate to get out.

I've had a bit of a cold this week, but I'm confident it's been foolish to not. I'm confident it's not the big one. I don't feel too bad. If it is the big one, it's pretty easy. Don't worry about it. You're all going to be fine. But I don't think it is, sadly. A little cough netting. I'm really going to force it. So we're on the field. Still no sign of any crops. Still a couple of signs of some stones. There's five less on this field than there were 20 seconds ago, and they've all gone into the brambles. On the small, medium scale, I would say maybe small, medium, small. We're looking out across the great uncharted ocean, wondering what will be waiting for me, hoping I will live long enough to clear it. But we don't know what awaits us, do we?

So yeah, it's a tough time if we don't have a second career to fall back on like me. A lot of comedians out there probably wishing they were doing stone clearing right now. There's something to do. Provide a living, as many stones as you can touch and then throw away. Better than nothing, isn't it? But when a door closes and kills hundreds of thousands of people, another one opens and I have been intending to get going on Twitch, which is like a streaming channel, maybe for gamers, but why use it for something so frivolous when you can use it for something important? And I'm looking into how we could live stream some stone clearing for you. We could probably do it daily, to be honest. And there'll be other things on there as well. Me playing myself at Snooker, me possibly playing a few games. It's sort of limitless, really. A lot of people are just watching me drive a truck around and imagine me truck.

Well, watching people play different games, but it's like your own little broadcasting channel. Mine is at twitch.tv.rkherring. If you would like to go there and follow me, you are more than welcome. You don't even have to follow me, you can just turn up and watch. Most things will be free. There is a subscription, which we might hide some of the higher value material behind. Like stone clearing, obviously, £100 per show. But if you are an Amazon Prime member, I mean, I don't know why I'm pushing this to the five people who listen to this, but you know, it's having little counts. If you're an Amazon Prime member, you can give me, if you felt like it, $4.95 or something like that every month for nothing. If you're just a part of your Amazon Prime package, you get to give one twitcher a £4.95 tip. I don't think I get all of that money, but it's still free money. So if you feel like doing that, it's slightly complicated.

You've got the join twitch, as well as being an Amazon Prime member, then connect your accounts, which you can do by just going to Amazon Prime, and Prime putting Twitch in there. And then once you've connected them, you can go to my page, RKHerring, twitch.tv, RKHerring. And subscribe, roll down the menu a bit, you'll see the Prime membership doesn't cost you anything. If you want to just pay, if you're not a Prime member, subscribe and then there's various levels. You can subscribe at, if you want to watch some live streamed Rehalestapus. If we ever return with those, I hope we will, then we'll go to the high end. Because we can't really let you watch those for free if we're charging Google to watch them in the theatre.

But otherwise, we'll see, there are a couple of different levels, so we'll see. I have sort of been out here because I just saw from a distance like a big clump of stones. They're siblings, they're all together. And then I've got them all. There was a nice brick one on the way back that I like, they're not a real brick, just not one of nature's bricks. I've cleared quite a big tonnage of stone here. I mean, I don't know how many tons it is. It's probably not point something tonnage.

And that's going next to one of my bigger stones that still lies there almost on its own. A testament to me finding a big stone. Oh, look at this one, another ruby red stone. Bit of flint, that's always nice. Goes on to the area where people took it away now. I just wanted my watch has done something, so I just want to check that hasn't curtailed. The last two podcasts I've done have cut out on their own accord. Luckily yesterday's last week's one, very much at the last minute.

But I'm on the lookout to see what's gone wrong there. So we might attach a little camera to me and a live stream. We'll see if that's possible over the next week or so. I'm sure we did some sort of test material. I would say don't pay to subscribe just yet because we're not completely up and running. But you might as well do the Amazon Prime one if you are a member of Amazon Prime. Because as I say, it's just free money, I could do nothing and you could give me that. But annoyingly you have to re-subscribe to that every month.

So you have to remember to go back and do it again. If that's too much hassle for you, fuck you. Fuck you up the arse. Come on, I'm out here working my fingers to the bone for you. And it will be nice to get through this slightly dicey period for me and for the world. I don't think I'm the main victim yet, the coronavirus. We're bringing in some income though. To be fair, I think we're going to use all the income from Twitch just to make more content.

Like the sitcom I have planned. And filming there for the first time, so it would be lovely if Twitch could pay for filming those podcasts. Which at the moment we keep on paying up lots of money for them. The film versions don't really... they don't bring in any money. Nice to have them though. There are a couple of figures approaching with a dog and they're going to put Wolfie on a league. Wolfie, could you come here? Yeah, you know there's someone coming, don't you?

I'm going to have to... Cattails don't look like I've been doing. Upwards of the 12 stones have been cleared. During this largely promotional podcast. But that's quite exciting for you to be able to come and see me in action. See the field, see the... We'd be able to see these people approaching now. I probably wouldn't film them.

Certainly not show their faces. I've probably put my hand over the camera. I think we might have some kind of helmet camera, something like that. I mean I'm going to look like a pellet. And it's going to draw attention to me. And so far I think no one is aware of what I'm doing. So I do not draw attention to myself. But anyway, yeah, so we're out here on the field.

There's a breeze coming through. There's a sort of magnetic steel clouds. Luminous. The sun goes down behind them. It's rather beautiful. And now Jack will have to make sure I don't get within two metres of these people. Make sure we don't catch anything. There it is.

Hi there! There's always been more patience everywhere. Good girl, Wobby! Good girl, you're such a good girl. They're back to turn. And when Bagquist goes to sleep, all his friends go to sleep. That's not very relevant to this. Well, they've sort of forced me to go a slightly longer route than I would have done.

How many minutes have we done? Not very long. There do seem to be a lot of nice stones down in this corner, which I don't remember being here before. They definitely aren't appearing out of nowhere. Alright, wishing properly. There you go. Good girl, off you go. Let's have a little bliss walk up here.

We may turn around if we've got to get back and look after the family. Get the kids into bed. This is around the place that I think there might be a Roman villa beneath the soil. I keep picking up stones there to look oldy-worldy. It's annoying that Romans put them there. And I will get them off, don't you worry. Doing a mini-hassle-off now, feeling fairly safe. But I'm really only three feet from the shore.

It's not really anything to write home about. Doing some good clearing. That's a nice egg-shaped. It would be a big egg if it was an egg. Oh, thinking of the chicken. Not as big as a Tylenoraurus source wreck or something like that. We'll be enjoying the chasel. That one's bounced onto over into the pathway then beyond. Always a danger.

I have my trowel with me, I think I do. Oh yes, I was right to stop here. Didn't look like much from above. But just my stone-cleaning instinct, which you must rely on, has found it's not a brick, but again, it's a stone the size and shape of a brick. May have been used in a Roman construction. Now it's the field where it belongs. A bit of a factual brick.

Again, looks very old air bubbles in it. Definitely some manufacturing that probably Roman off the field who goes, this is the area I would say there's another bit of brick. Old brick. Let's maybe get a photo of this old brick. Some of any Mary Beards listening so you can let me know if that's the real deal. Okay, 16 minutes, Wolfie. That's including pre-podcast. Watch out Wolfie, he'll be in it if you want.

Rome wasn't built in a day, Wolfie, but it can be taken down in a day. That's what I believe. That is my strong belief. So I think we're still recording? Yes, apparently. It's all good, it's all good. And another bit of brick. Really, that's something that's going on here, isn't it?

I mean, it was pretty amazing, but I discovered a Roman palace of some kind. And then just dismantled it. Surely only the foundations could survive unless it's been very effectively buried. But yeah, someone quite obsessive. Is that a bit of metal? Yeah, there is a bit of metal there. Wolfs, look at that. Got to come off as well.

That will rust away eventually. Some believe the stones themselves will turn to dust one day, but not me. A bit of blue tape there as well. That's quite an eye-catching thing. I thought I'd seen a massive stone, but it's a bit of wood. What a shame. Some voices approaching.

Perhaps on the pathway, so I could be a little bit careful. What I'm doing. Don't want to give the game away. So I just have to pretend I'm some sort of surveyor or field expert or something. If I do film this, the audio ones will, of course, continue. We'll see what the public wants. The public get what the public wants. They get what they don't think they needed, but this cover they did need.

When strange times, and a man moving stones off a field, might be just what this country needs to bring us back together. Unite us. I think I'm going to turn back and go back this way. Just because I don't think there's quite time for me to take the long route round, unfortunately. So the stone pole will not be in today's podcast. There are some nice stones here as well. I'm going to hassle off a little further to just see what's going on out here.

Just get the lay of the land, really. If there's anything, there's a bit of flat white, which is pure barista. That will mean something very different. And I've taken some chances, just assuming there won't be too many people around to see me. Another flat stone on the long way away. That's up to the edge. Oh, that's just gone to the path. I'll just go back to clear that, but effectively, because it's so close.

Wolfie's attempting to pick it up. Given up. She can't do it. Oh, can't be done, Wolfs. Oh, that's a throw against the wind. They've got some soil in my eyes. That's one of the hazards. Stone clearing or urinating. Always check the direction of the wind. To be honest, I'd rather get my own urine in my face than some stone.

Yeah, this is where definitely this is the area where there's a lot of bits of smashed up. Ancient brickwork. So we'll see what the experts make of my picture. We'll get back to you and find out whether we are doing something too remarkable. I mean, really, Mosaic is what I want to find. I think there was definitely a building of some kind out here. But what era? I don't know.

Give me more. Just scattered. Could have been a temple, of course, for the stone clearing gods. The stone gods. That would make sense. A lot of sense. There's just too much of it here for it not to be something. Just kicked another bit to the edge. We may never solve that one. We don't know.

Anyway, onwards we go. We're heading back towards the path across the field between the two cairns. To come back to the path, let's take another little sajeune out into the field. I'm feeling a little bit frisky today. Maybe it's the possibility of imminent death. It'll make me take more chances. It's like people getting hornier in times of trouble. We also really like clearing stones more. The wolfies on the boundary make it quite difficult for me to throw.

That one missed through, but luckily there's no one here. A couple more bits of weird, old, orange brickwork there. Wolfie will chase those. I'm near enough to the edge to always get these into the thicket. It's dangerous they bounce over through the fence and twint someone on the other side. But what honor it will be to be killed by a piece of Roman temple. I'm just working my way to that path. I'm not a bit of a shortcut cross, but this is a sajeune.

I was just trying to cut across to the path. There's a good look at the stones around here. Not as many as there are further up the field. There's a nice one. It's nice when they're just laying there. I'm too far from the edge now to get to the edge, I think. It's not a bad throw, but that might be picked up another day. Yep, I'm getting close to the path.

No one would ever know what I've done. We're well up the hill. Traditionally, this part of the field is not quite good. Do you just bring that back, Wolfs? You better not have looked very similar to the one I just threw, if you've gone for it again. There are a few stones scattered around here, but nothing like it. I mean, it would be lovely to show you this. Show you the work I'm doing, give you an idea of the grandeur, the scale,

how much I've done, how much there is to do. I'd say I'm 25% of the way there. That's a rough estimate. Even though I haven't gone beyond the opening 10 feet of the field in any direction, and the opening 10 feet is still full of stones, I'd still say 45%. I mean, it's interesting. We're declaring a temple to the stone gods from the field. Be constituted as a blasphemy.

I think some more people come by the doggie when they're getting from the leap movie. I've still got my trowel here, from when I got that big one out, remember that? Oh, they're going that way, that's okay. They've misplayed the game of chess. There's a runner coming through. There's someone in the distance. And the people of my village are not as scared as the plague, as I imagine they'd be. But as I've said out here on the field, it might just be the safest place to be.

And it definitely is. There's someone coming in like licking all the stones. Yeah, a big clump of medium sized stones at this particular point. I'll get a couple of them, take them to the edge. How do you choose? The stones choose me. Oh, there's so many here. It's so tempting just to spend the rest of my night, let the kids go dirty,

spend the rest of my night just picking my way through this lot. That's like, oh look at that one, that's like a lovely, clipped face or something. Brown, browny, flat. Got a bit of chunk to it as well. There's some work to be done in this particular area. But be patient my friends, we'll take our time. Oh, look at that one, look at that one.

This could be the biggest one for a little while. That is a proper stone there, look at that. Yeah, almost too much to carry in one hand. Millennium Falcon size, that's the toy Millennium Falcon, not the really little one. About the size of the Millennium Falcon that most people have. Bit chunky though. Pretty heavy, slightly difficult to carry to the edge.

If you're pleased with that, that one can go front and centre, right in the middle of the main can. It's an intimidating stone. I think we'll let people know who's boss here. Oh yeah, that looks good. That looks good. I mean I'll take a photo of that as well, but we've got a photo for this week.

I don't want to tempt fate. And those just, I'm filling in some of the gaps. Upwards, not rolling right down the hill. Oh, when you've found a stone like that, you can feel like you've had a good day, can't you Wolfs? Are you still on your, still going? Still going my friend. Let's let you off your leash.

This last bit, go and do a purr if you want. That's what this is partially about. For some people, that's the main bit of the podcast. A lot of people email in. Patrick Marber, as he noted in said, my favourite bit, which is when the dog does a poo, can you make the dog do a poo? I just love dog poo.

I don't really like stones, I like poo. And especially dog poo. And listening to a dog doing a poo. Not interesting, Patrick. I don't think that's the playwright, Patrick Marber. I'll just go another guy with the same name. That's not what it's about. I'm an open person, you know.

People have their quirks and people think stone clearing isn't a good thing to do. And I don't understand those people, but I think they're allowed their opinion. Everyone has their own particular interests, my interests are all normal. Playing self as snooker, clearing stones. Playing civilisation too,

and no further civilisation beyond that. So I don't judge Patrick there. Thanks for emailing in, but no. If the dog pooes and I'm around, I will describe it. But not for your salacious pleasure. If you get salacious pleasure over there, that's not my problem. Thanks for the email. Do keep emailing in, everyone. I've got a lot of good emails been coming in this week.

Can't reply to all of them, obviously. I can't mention them all on the podcast. Just when they come in. That's when I read them during the podcast. Just try and work out when I'm podcasting. Probably a made-up note, Patrick Marber. It doesn't sound real. So...

I don't like that. Coming down the hill, the Brexit ditch. Could it now be the coronavirus ditch? If I put enough stones in it, will it become the cure? I mean, it's worth a go. It worked for Brexit, didn't it? So, for a bit. So, it's worth a go, I'd say.

The corona ditch. And, you know, if this works... Imagine what a hero I'd be to everyone. Like, the thing with the Brexit ditch is, you know, 52% of the population weren't going to like me. And probably didn't like me all the time it was going on. But if, like, hardly anyone wants the coronavirus to decimate the population...

It's not really decimate sent to make, is that the word? If it's one in a hundred? It's decimate one in ten, of course. Let's hope it doesn't get to those levels. I think one in a hundred is too many as well. That's just the kind of humane person I am. But there are a lot of people in the world, and most of them aren't even using their life to collect stones.

I can understand why they unspeculate that the stone gods have sent this virus. To, uh, punish us for not carrying off rat stones. It's weird that I got a cold last week because you'd think I'd be immune to any disease, but maybe they'd think I haven't cleaned enough stones. Which, you know, I admit, I'm not perfect. I have sinned against the stone gods,

and I haven't cleaned every stone I could clean. Honestly, I'm doing the best I can, but I'm just one man, and I sometimes have some other stuff to do. Anyway, heading down the pathway now. We're off the fields. That's all the stone clearing for today. We'll just wrap up.

We head back through the deserted streets of my village, not a soul, not a car, but a person, it's like a ghost town. Everyone's hiding in their houses. Terrified of what might come through the notebooks. That car, if you're getting it, that's not a van. That's nothing. Well, here we are, yeah.

Dogs barking, presumably, their owners have died, and they're feasting on the owners' faces. That's all they can only presume. Come back in, wolves. Good girl. Just a lone van going by. Probably a... I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Probably a... policeman looking for two other cars as well, and someone walking the dog. But apart from that,

it's really much everyone hiding away. Right, wolves. Here we go, good girl. Hope you enjoyed the podcast today. We'll be back next week. I might try just a little bit of

phone-based phone theory with Twitch, which you can do from your phone. Won't be very good, but that might be the next experiment. So look out for that. Do sign up if you follow me, twitch.tv.rkherry

then you will be notified every time I go live. Which might be some phone theory. Do feel free to borrow some money, and if you enjoy it. Most of all, I would just... especially with the Snooper one,

which my wife's always been against. She doesn't know about this phone, so I'm safe with this. But I would love it, especially if there's no sport on. Wouldn't be great if me on the Snooper became the most popular sport in the world, just by dint of there being no other sport

for people actually tuning in, because people love sport, and they need their fix. So that was the day, playing myself at Snoop. Just look on her face. You'll be worth it. Look on her stupid face. She realizes I was right when she had

like a billion pounds as well, because basically, my money's her money. I mean, it's all shared. So, you know, I think she would... It would be a pyrrhic trick for me, but it would still be a... well, I would still have some of the money. She'd let me spend it anyway.

That's what I want. Do wash your hands up to Stoneclown, and that's very important. 20 seconds. Someone found themselves seeing the Glyphons of the Stone, which is a good song to sing. What are you doing? See, I'm going to take

Lyphon to the Fathons, my friend, and they will sing the thing you were married in. Don't glyphon to the birds or trees. Don't glyphon to your underpants. Lyphon to the stones. Lyphon to the stones. And they entered

shall Lyphon to you, my friend, my fan friend. Once you've done that, that is enough. That's probably more than 20, but then you're super clean, and you got all we need. Right, let's give the dog some food. Thanks for listening. We'll be back soon

with some more audio ones of these. Do look out for twitch.tv slash R.K. Herring. Follow me, at least. You don't have to give any money, but, you know, if you've got some Amazon Prime and you're not using it, give it to me. I'll just make more stuff with it. It'll be great. See you, kids. Love you. Bye.

Don't glyphon to your underpants. Lyphon to the stones. Lyphon to the stones. And they entered shall Lyphon to you, my friend, my fan friend. You've been listening to Soundclone

with me, Rich Turing, and Wolfie the Dog. The voice of the Patons is Michael Faheen. All of the music is arranged by Michael Coffgrave. Go to www.twitch.tv slash R.K. Herring. Thanks, guys. Lyphon to the stones, my friend, and they found thing year Mary does.

Don't glyphon to the birth and truth. Don't glyphon to your underpants. Lyphon to the stones. Lyphon to the stones. And they entered shall Lyphon to you, my friend, my fan friend.