Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 63

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Chapter Sixty-Three - No Nudef Pleafe. It's 8.10am on 22nd April 2020 and Richard has been dragged away from his TV stardom on Twitch (http://twitch.tv/rkherring) by a technical glitch and has deigned to come back here to give you audiophiles a little bit of guidance. But you know he loves you most and hates all those fame hungry Twitchers who are bombarding him with nude selfies. He thanks the Stone Gods that none of you would ever do that. Probably some stuff about stones in here too. It's hard to remember now.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to a new chapter. Is it 63, 64, 63 maybe? It's 10 past eight on the 22nd of April, 2020. Country's in lockdown but nothing can stop the Stone Clears Clearing Stones. It's one form of exercise a day, at last 18 hours. This is just the part of it you're going to hear today. I would be on Twitch right now but there's a network error. It's gone down. I haven't got my ear pods with me so we're just talking directly into the phone.

But Twitch is lost as your game. You can see me most mornings. Stone Clearing, if you're into seeing Stone Clearing, which seems a bit mainstream for me, it does turn me into a bit of a celebrity. Just clearing some stones with my feet. It's a bit of a celebrity. I've had a lot of emails in offering women in their early 20s offering to have sex with me. It's a different world. It's not really the world that Stone Clearing shouldn't have it. I would kindly request that please stop, I mean not that those people will be listening to the audio chapters, but please stop sending the photos if you're an attractive 20-something woman.

I mean definitely stop sending them if you're a 45-year-old man. I'm not interested. I'll just give an example of the emails. Fieldy McTree says, I'm a 24-year-old single woman, a bit frustrated and locked down. I've been watching your Twitch videos and I think you're really sexy. I'm not really sexy Twitchy McTree. It's the cabin fever getting to you. It's just my air of celebrity.

Look at the enclosed photos, Richard, and I will not look at them. I've had a brief look at them. I'm a married man. I'm very happily married. It is just obviously a... My marriage is a sham to try and throw the stone stars off the scent. But even so, I do have to respect that. If I'm found looking at photos of a 23-year-old, 25-year-old woman in a bra, which is what is there, then I'll be in trouble.

I'm not going to do that. Please leave me alone. It's disgraceful. My email is herring97atgmail.com. If you want to not send me those pictures, that's been where you mustn't send them. Because, look, I know I seem attractive out here in the fields. It's very rugged, working manly behaviour. But please leave me alone.

That's the message I want to send out to all of the flag hags out there. But anyway, back to the stones that were in the portage of Thornton Business. I'm not interested in flesh. I'm interested in hard stone. Not soft flesh or even hard flesh to some of the 45-year-old men who've been sending me pictures of hard flesh. I'm not interested in that either. But it's been a weird little month. Sorry I haven't been able to come to you as often as usual.

I'm just going to do a little house off. There's a lot of people around on the field. The Stone Starsy are playing it cool. Hopefully a few of them have gone down with the virus and are dead. I don't wish death on anyone except the Stone Starsy. Oh, nice. This is a nice one. I'm a bit of a friend, a bit dangerous, but nice, medium, small, I would say. Just discovered.

That can come off the field. Let's say there's a suitable can for that to go in. I don't have the dog with me again. She's staying with my in-laws still, maybe for the next couple of weeks. So it's a weird thing being out here the other day. A man said, oh, are you missing a dog? They know what they're talking about. I know who they are. They know who I am.

They can't prove who I am. So they just have to try and scare me away from the field like Scott Scooby-Doo villains. Not until you're dressed up as a ghost, mate, and then maybe I might be scared, but I'm not scared at the moment. So we push onwards, ever onwards, ever upwards. It does mean I'm getting a lot more stone-climbing done this lockdown. 18 hours a day of exercise. As long as it's one exercise, that's the rules you're allowed.

Approaching the top corner, if you've watched the videos, you'll kind of know what some of this looks like now. I imagine most of you have worked out a pretty good map in your mind's eye anyway. I have no respect for the people who watch the video. I just want to continue to make that clear. You're the true flag-hag. You're the true guys. The true dedicated band.

I'm not even sure that some of the people who watch the videos really aren't part of the Stone Starsy, trying to trap me. Some people said, Rich, isn't it a bit dangerous actually filming yourself doing this if it's illegal? And if you're worried about being killed by the Stone Starsy. Well, sometimes the rights of the individual are outweighed by the need of the many. Just couldn't think of what I was saying there for a second.

I'm trying to make it dramatic, but it turned out quite dramatically. Crossing the diagonal now, we started just by the singing ringing tree. That's something I've talked to you about. That's a construct for the gullible people who watch the video version. It's not a real thing, but I just think it's a way of getting people to view the stone-cleaning videos, which brings in revenue, which I can spend on clearing stones. I'll pretend this fairies in a tree that'll come out and dance. I mean, really, the gullibility of some of these people.

But please do sign up for Twitch if you can. Become a monthly badger. What is true is this is religion. If you give enough money to me, your eternal soul will end up in stone heaven. I found a lovely little cache of stones here just by the corner of the field that I'm throwing. Ow! I've got my gloves on and that one's quite a sharp bit of flint. Throwing towards the edge, most of them are making the border. That was a bit high.

We'll get that next time. The field look particularly stony, I have to say. But getting a good few off here. Oh, there is a dog walking up behind me. Very well played to the stone starsy. A couple of them actually together. They don't seem to be social distancing. Suspicious of me for not having a dog.

Perhaps able to prove that I'm clearing stones. Not unless they've got a video camera and something over recording this. Oh, they have. But this might be my last broadcast. I've already been taken off the air on the video. I might try that again in a sec when I feel I've got enough to justify putting out an audio chapter. But thanks, do keep the emails coming in the non. Don't send me pictures of yourself in your pants.

Lancelot Telegraph Pole. One of the Telegraph Pole family, we get quite a few of those. Has written in to say, is it acceptable in lockdown? Is it stone clear or is that a frivolous thing? Well, hey, we don't live by the rules of man. Lockdown means nothing to us. We live by the rules of the stones. First rule of stone clearing, there are no rules.

Second rule of stone clearing, you can ignore the rules of the humankind as well. Third rule of stone clearing, please take care to take your rubbish home with you. And the forfeit of a fine of £45. So, no, I'm not interested in that. You have to be seen to be obeying. So I'm going out once a day, but it's luckily in the countryside, there aren't many people around. If anyone sees you out on the field a second time a day,

you go, what are you doing a second time a day? And they go, oh yeah, and thought of that. And then you go, well, let's both keep quiet about it, shall we? And then they go, but shouldn't we be worrying more about spreading diseases? And you go, look, this is an imaginary conversation. You never meet anyone out here. And they go, yeah, fair enough. Shall we make love?

And then you go, yeah, let's do that. And you wake up and go, oh, I've been dreaming of stone clearing again. Hopefully the lockdown has put into a rest some of the shenanigans of the other dog walkers. So I know all out here just the dogging is a clever pun for them. They're out in the bushes, fucking each other senseless. We've just seen two of them together when they shouldn't be together just now. And they're on their way to find the cops of some kind to make Mary in. I wouldn't mind, but they never invite me along.

And that's what I wouldn't, again, as I said about the emails and stuff, I wouldn't join in due to the restrictions I've placed on myself for some reason and getting married. But it'd be nice to be asked. That's what I'm saying. And then I go, oh, no, thanks, you're an eight-year-old woman on a mobility scooter. Then I'd go, I think about it, go, well, OK. As long as we can keep it secret. But, you know, again, it's just the fear of missing out.

It's just being left out. It's not really nice, is it? That's the way I look at it. So, oh, out by the telegraph pole. Weirdly funny when they mentioned that guy called Telegraph Lancelot. They couldn't make up that name, could you? Lancelot Telegraph Pole. So that's real.

Just throwing a few stones back towards that from a distance as we head down to the stone pole. I might just leave you for a second and have another go at talking to the mainstream idiots. Remember, I hate them. To you, I love. Just because they watch me on TV, send me source emails. I still love you guys who just send me questions about stones. But, like, a lot of emails coming in now, obviously, because of the TV celebrity. So do forgive me if I'm not quite as fastidious with you guys as I once was.

I hope you understand. All right, I'll be back in a sec. And hello, we're back again. Just a brief interlude to show the... The idiots who, like, seen stones meet directly with stones against the stone pole. Obviously that only works in audio, you know that. It's no fun to see it, but it's a joy in that. So I'm just walking along the bottom part of the field.

We've done a lap, a brief lap, and kicking a few stones off. The fields have been trampled down by some kind of farm equipment. There are certainly stones all over, but the stone easter is definitely over, we'll say that. Okay, something like this now. Put up a stone line to top the ground. Put most of them now a bit more buried with a kick. Or a kick that one out, that's nice. Or a trowel to get them out.

It's just heading into that part of the year where, even when there is a pandemic on, some things become a little bit tricky to decide to respect the farmer and the needs of humans to eat enough to not come along this ground. If it's a trade-off, for all the humans there, if you have no food, then you can't clear the stone. Ultimately, of course, humans are there to be destroyed. So you have to work out, and they'll be happy with it. The path is very stony, so I'll just conch down the path for the next few months. Maybe just attempt it out occasionally.

There's several brilliant stones lying right next to me. Some weeds growing amongst the crops. There are no crops, just weeds. I don't think he's planted anything yet. So again, it's just a little hello, just to say I haven't forgotten about you guys. If you're missing Stone Clearing, why not head to twitch.tv. Join in, you can just turn the picture off. It doesn't work after time anyway.

And it's almost like an audio podcast, but people can join in directly. Got a lot of chat there, a lot of emails coming in. Email from Birdie McFence. Birdie McFence has been in touch. Hi, Birdie. Saying, Rich, I don't like looking at things, and I'm just upset that you have done a video feed. I'm fully sighted, I just don't like using the power. I'm hoping that if I close my eyes all the time, that will heighten my other senses.

It hasn't worked so far. Do you have any suggestions of how I can enjoy the video feed? Yeah, just keep your eyes closed. You're doing everything right there. Birdie McFence. Do you keep those emails coming in? Not the ones as I've just reassured. No scantily clad young women, please.

It's just clogging up the inbox. I'm not interested. Hiring 97 at googlemail.com. I'm not interested. So we'll make the walk back to the house now. So I've got a working day ahead of me. Remember Wednesday nights on Twitch, you can watch me doing live Halistapas. Not sure who my guest today is.

Got a couple of possible options. We'll see how that goes. Beautiful day out here on the field. The Stocean is looking a beautiful shade of dirty brown. Puckered with the dazzling diamonds that are all the stones still to be picked. The sun glinting off them. Catching my eye like the hoarish bits of stone they are. Saying, Rich, Rich, come to me, come to me, me next.

No, no, in your time. I can only clear so many stones at a time. Before I am spent, I'm just one man. I need recovery time. The older I get, the more that that is true. Also the dirty talk will have to be a lot better than that if you're going to get any interest out of me. But yeah, thanks for listening.

We're heading down the lane now. Let's have a look at a couple more emails. Leopold Butterfly has been in touch. That's a nice name. Again, couldn't make that up. To say, I've seen on the videos, which you've found an unusual amount of metal this year. Yeah, there has been a lot of metal.

What do you do? What do you put that down to? Well, Leopold. I don't know really. I guess metal. Magnets of some kind. Drawing the metal to the surface. It's certainly old.

Oh, I'd love a little tiny little thrush. Just a few inches from my face there. Beautiful. Nature is reclaiming the world. I put it down to a large magnet. I think someone's probably, as I've said on the, I think on the Twitch stream, it's clearing metal is a lot easier

for a job than clearing stone. A, there's a lot less of it. B, you can use a metal detector or a magnet to draw it out. I guess somebody has maybe just been trying to clear the metal and has flown a gigantic magnet on a helicopter over the field. And that has drawn these ancient horseshoes and bits of plow to the surface.

I don't know. I will clear the metal. I'm not interested in keeping it whatever metal it may be, whether it be gold, frankincense, myrrh, any kind of metal like that. I will... I'll just clear it. It's of no value to me.

It's of no more value than a stone. And I believe all these things must rest where they were, where they belong. All right, back home. My new gate, annoyingly, a bit sticky. I'm not very impressed with it. Yeah, I'm not very impressed with it.

I'm not very impressed with it. Yeah, so I think we'll leave it there. Thanks very much for listening in. Sorry, it's, again, a bit of a shorter podcast, but as soon as this damn virus is over, we'll be back to concentrating on what matters. I can't see I'd be doing videos of me stone-claring

in a normal day. Maybe I will. All right, kids, I love you all. Take care out there in the world. Keep those emails coming and not the dirty ones. And, yeah, thanks very much for listening. It's been a pleasure to work with you. Listen to your underpants

Listen to the stone Listen to the stone And they, in turn, I'll listen to you My friend, my fine friend Stone-claring with Richard Herring With no wolfie the dog, I'm afraid Watch me daily on twitch.tv.rkherring

If you're that kind of person who likes to watch stone-claring The music is composed by Michael Coffgrave The voice of the Photons is Michael Faheen Listen to the stones, my friend And they, foul thing, year merry does Don't listen to the birth and truth Don't listen to your underpants Listen to the stones

Listen to the stones And they, in turn, I'll listen to you My friend, my fine friend