Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 67

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Chapter Fixty-Feven - Coca Cola Fponforfhip. It's about 8.20am on 30th June and the weather was almost cold enough for Richard to wear his North Face jacket (Whichever direction your face is pointing, choose North Face) and he wears it anyway and gets a bit hot. He's on the search for more dicks (and fingers) and to a cynical eye might be attempting to monetise this ancient art. You can be sure he would never do that though, even if Ian Cocacola is intent on getting his branding into this podcast. Will Wolfie attack a dog and how will Rich respond when directly challenged about what he's up to. Surely his years of training means he won't make the same mistake as Cowley in The Great Escape? Look out for the ftone clearing kickftarter that will be coming foon. Occasional live streamed stone clears at http://twitch.tv/.rkherring

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to chapter 67 of the Stone Clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dark. She should really have equal say. It's about 8 20 a.m. on the 30th of June 2020 and yeah we're back weekly my friends. Don't you worry I'm still doing the occasional video on twitch.tv slash R.K. Herring but you'll be my Stone Clearing priority Wolfie's just staying away at the entry to the entrance to the field. The weeds are high, the crops are fairly high, there's little scattering of poppies amongst the crops. It would be beautiful if it wasn't against stones and I'm just picking up three tiddlers, four tiddlers, almost a stone

clear as a dozen pairs of stone clear as a dozen that's actually a four iron which is finger which is dick. With the Alphtronomega Ken I'm freaking really out of shape, I don't know what's happened in the last week but I'm making an effort to get fit again by which I mean I'm not going to eat quite as many bits of ice cream. It'd be nice if the lockdown were over, it's certainly heading that way. I'm feeling we will be back. Good little clear there, good basic clear of a small, medium, medium maybe stone there. So as business as usual back to basics, back to what stone clearing should be. A man walking around the field talking to himself, moving stones, where is dog? There's a poo, I think she's just building up to poo here.

Here it comes. I don't know, will I have to pick that one up? It's sort of off the field but is it enough off the field? I've decided no. That's a responsible dog owner. I don't think he's been quite feisty out on walks so maybe some shenanigans later, she's off the lead at the moment. A poo's in the bag. I picked up the poo and put it in my pocket. That is one less pocket for stones of course. Nice stones there. They're off the field already but I've forgotten about those guys. I am on the hunt for witches fingers and witches dicks which I'm starting to gather because I'm playing a Kickstarter campaign for both stone clearing and what you

won't be interested in, snooker, which interestingly not a single person has complained that the snooker podcast is finished now whereas maybe five people were worried that they weren't getting their audio fix despite a daily video fix. So we'll see which of they were going to do two kicks. That was one for the snooker, one for stone clearing and witches fingers and witches dicks will be on offer as well as membership cards and I think what we're going to do for the stone clearing is scout style stone clearing badges that you can award yourselves. If you have done the task that the badge commemorates, we will see. If you are a badger, a long-term badger, well I'm also thinking of giving out some

bronze, gold and platinum. What were those things called? The stripes. Ah, bronze. I had it in my head it's gone. I used to be a cub. I gave up when I went to scouts because of the first induction meeting one of the scouts got another of the cubs to hold me down and spit in my face and I thought I don't want to go there again, that wasn't very nice. So to me that's what the scouting movement is all about, hence the pistol fun sketch in which the cubs exemplified goodness and the scouts exemplified evil. That was my revenge but I believe student Lee also had similar experience. That was both of us. The plants growing nicely out here, the crop, it looks like some kind of beet. I've already told

you this, I have a sweet or a sugar beet, something I'm suggesting. I see the beaked part of some of the plants emerging above the ground, thanks to them still underground but you can just see the top of the of the sweet or the beet or whatever the f**k it is. Who cares? Will that beet be here in a thousand years time? No but this stone that I'm holding now, let me hold it there, I'm holding it now, will be by that fence I'm just throwing it to for the rest of all time my friends. Nothing can move a stone. That's one of the immutable laws of physics, except for a stone. That's the herring's amendment to that immutable law of physics. Not saying many witches' fingers and witches' dicks, I hope not too many of you want them because it might be tricky.

I've got a couple hundred of them, I've got about 12 at the moment. It's okay to take them off the field because of course they are petrified organic material on not stones. And the weeds in this corner of the field, deep, deep weeds. Right where the crop is, poppies, it's kind of beautiful. Looks like implies that the farmer doesn't really give a f**k about the proper crop. Just picked up a nice, probably medium small, whoopie! From the path, kicked it out with my foot, it's going on the cam, the corner of the field.

Which looks pretty good from a distance here. We're definitely making a difference out here and that's all I've ever tried to do. Someone who hadn't been to this field for two years would be and happen to look into the edge and then went, oh what's that? Would be surprised. Oh I thought that the witches' finger was too wide, too wide even for a witches' dick. It's the wrong shape. Dicks come in all shapes and sizes but not that shape. And there's another one that's close. I can't think I can include that. If I received that through the post expecting a witches' finger or witches' dick,

I would be very disappointed. I will let you know when the kick starts. It's live, I don't think it's going to be for a little while just because we're preparing what we're going to do but also I've got to finish our look. I found a witches' finger on witches' dick. That could be yours. That one could be the one you get in the pocket it goes. They'll be expensive as well. I say I'm hand collected by the world's premier Stone Clearer and if you think that's Brian Bramble, you get out of this podcast, stop listening to this podcast.

You don't know anything about stones or a beautiful bit of flint. Looks like it's been filed down by some craftsman and that craftsman is the wind and the rain. Looks like it's been polished but it hasn't. Not unless someone's compolishing bits of food and then chucking them back on the field should be insane. Well that's quite a nice semi-circle demysphere. We've once have been a complete tiny but off it goes. Off it goes. And I'm nice down here in the root of the beaked plant. Now we're taking pot on the can opposite the main can.

We're going the long way around today. I need the exercise. I think you deserve a proper full length Stone Clearers morning. And I'm rarely hopeful that the lockdown is going to slowly come to an end. We've already had a bit of help in terms of taking the kids around to the in-laws at the weekend and having like an hour where we didn't really have to keep an eye on them for about the first time in three or four months. And it was it was extraordinary. Oh which finger, which is dick? That one will definitely count. Look at that.

It's just on the path wolf. So they're all just on the path. I think that's a dick. Very rare of course. Maybe I should charge more for the dicks than for the fingers. But part of the fun of the which is finger and which is dick is which is which. It's not really knowing. We'll never truly know until science has progressed and is able to tell the difference between a petroid which is finger and which is dick. I'm making no comment on which is whether they're right or wrong by the way. I know in this day and age it's particularly incorrect to criticize which is. I would not do that. There I was entitled to do their evil work as we are to do our good work.

Plains back. Plains heading to Leekman Airport. And I'm wearing my coat which seems a weird decision. My big thick North Face jacket. I'm Bernard. I think I made the mistake. It's cold out here and it's raining a little bit. But you shouldn't be wearing a wig jack about this on the 30th of June. And my birthday of course that means is approaching rapidly less than two weeks away. And maybe one more chapter before maybe two of us before I turn 53. Oh, whoopie. We're going to go out here. Come in. Come in. Just like by the thing and ringing tree. A couple of ladies walking a couple of dogs. I've taken Wolfie out into the field. It's a good

chance for me to investigate. Oh, that's a nice one there. Come here. Hey. Very nice. She's just been a bit feisty recently so I'm keeping her out of the way. She's thinking. It is. It is. She's thinking. There's a couple of dogs she just has taken a real dislike to. Or to have taken this like to her. Maybe this one. Look at that. It's weird. She's been so friendly ever since lockdown. But yeah, we'll keep her out of the way just for safety's sake. All right. Thank you. Come on Wolfie. Come on. You are my only one step. I really wanted to go back and get that stone like kicked up but

it would be too strange. I'll have to try and remember it for another day. And definite stone stars. These definitely are not cabbages. Whatever they are, cabbages do not have a bulbous intrusion underneath. I will do the singing ring entry for you just in case you're a fan. Here it is. Sponsored by ThousandYearsFairy for coming out of here and dancing. I haven't explained that on the audio podcast. Obviously it's bullshit. It's the kind of bullshit that the TV audience eats up though. So we'll give it a go and see if that happens. Not today my friends. Not today.

All right. We'll let you off again Wolfie. You've got to be a good girl. Do you promise? Good girl. Come on. Good girl. Go on. You can go. Wolfie just chasing the stone then tripped over one of these sweet like plants. Tried to style it out. I would say untypically. So of course it's important when you're searching for which of the fingers and which is the dick but you don't become so focused on that that you forget to clear the other stones as well. And I don't say you must. Not. In this one here you could claim it was a which finger or which stick. You wanted to rip

people off but it just isn't. This one however. Is that a which finger? I think that one counts. That one's worth 50 quid. Anyone's money. Don't want to rip people off with the which is them thinking the which is dick. That's all I know. Oh there's a nice copper them up here though. And my old leg's a little tired. It was only three of three weeks ago maybe that I ran four kilometers. First run for ages I felt like oh good I haven't let my health decline too much. It was a pretty easy run but now I can't walk around the field without feeling exhausted.

Maybe I've got the coronavirus. It's always possible. Looking out for of course stone stars the other time. As well as stones as well as which is fingers and which is dicks. It's a difficult job. Anyone who tells you just clearing stones off a field is easy. Anyone could do it. They're a full my friend. You have to be highly qualified. Do years of training before you're even allowed out on the field. You have to apprentice with a stone clearer. Harder to do in these days. So few real. That's the word. If you only think of veteran stone clearers that's not the word. You know someone who's good at what they do. Artisan. You know the words. Even make up the

language. But we're just kicking over so much you kicked a leaf off one of the plants there. Looks farm does not see that. There's a stone starzy coming from the far edge of the field. I don't think he'll intersect but he will politely stop my work as we get to the fruitful corner. That so often happens this is where they want to preserve as many stones as possible so this is where they concentrate their forces. I've noticed it. Oh there's a tiny which is finger which is dick there. That's like a little finger and another very little penis. They will vary in size these which is fingers and which is dicks. But the dainty finger is a highly prized item.

As is the dainty dick. In witches times a witch with a small dick was actually more attractive to witchfuckers than a big dick to witch. Just the fashion has changed. Whoopie come here whoopie come here. There's another stone starzy coming through. Just there's a dog there so I'll just put him on the lead. Good girl. Good girl. Morning. Okay yeah I'm going to head up the diagonal. I'll keep her on the lead she's being a bit unpredictable at the moment. Yeah he's always been friendly but oh come on darling this way. Come on sweetheart. Oh good girl.

My unpredictable monologue. And yeah well played stone starzy. Just again have to crunch over these many many stones. I can't even pick one off and throw it because of the other stone starzy member coming along the north face. North face. If you have a face wear north face um of the field and uh Bravo. In this game of human chef today they have certainly taken a few of my pieces and kept them on the board and that's the difference between chef and chess. Of course chef came first. Chef is just chess is just the sort of battle improvisation of the commercial version of chef the original game.

That was a poo that's because I've got a poo in my pocket. Pick up a poo and burn it in your pocket. If you got a pocket then we can't forget it. Well we might be going to start collecting again. We're heading to the central can. There's a couple of uh ball light stones here. They're not witches' balls I don't think that you never know. You never know what the witches are left behind. And all the body parts must be out here somewhere. I mean they must have witches' noses, witches' vaginas. Many people believe that what we referred to as witches were just hermaphrodites.

That people did not understand in the ancient of days. Thankfully we're more understanding today. A little more understanding of my right hermaphrodite fans. I'm on your side. When I say hermaphrodite fans I mean fans who are hermaphrodites not people who are fans of hermaphrodites but you can be both. I've got three stones. One in 1500 people hermaphrodites by the way sir. It's time. Well you slapped us stupid ideas about gender. Oh my goodness I found like it looks like a World War II bomb. Slightly miniaturized. Just in the park it was a real iceberg. At the top it's sticking out. Pulled it up it kept on coming.

Pick up a stone and put it in your pocket. Don't walk off the field because you have forgot it. Remember to put your stones apart from witches fingers on which sticks just don't count must of course remain on the field around the field or in this case in the center of the field. That coming to go very nicely the central can if I say so myself if I do say so myself. Maybe let's give a little photo of that for you. Try two minutes into the podcast. Let's take a photo. Someone's put a Coke bottle on there which is disgusting.

Let's see if I can get that in the photo. Yeah one in disgrace. What is that? Yes I managed to turn off there so I don't know if you heard what I just said but I've just taken a photo of the central can. Look some of it. There is a Coke bottle there. Makes me sad to see that. It should make you sad too. Someone's I mean correctly removed the Coke bottle it's not organic material so it should be removed from the field but it should not go on the can. It should be taken home with you and also I don't know if that's Coke attempting to advertise because if I say I'll face look at the moment so they're looking for alternate

advertising streams. Oh that was a good throw though. I tell you I have to say that was a throw. As far as human being can throw a stone I just threw it and it would bounce beautifully landed on that central can. A couple of dog walkers there same ones I think from before. Layed in a red jacket and another lady they've mistimed it slightly and they're not going to stop my stone pole action. We'll find out how many hits I get today whether you've got good luck or not. If you want to be protected from the bad luck from an unsuccessful stone pole day then of course do remember if you purchase a witch figure which is

dick you will be protected from the bad luck bays and also your good luck will be boosted. That's just science. It's not me trying to make more money. I'm not a fool from checklist idiot to believe stones have powers that's not what's happening. Anyone who's Brian Brambles been saying that in his blog and he's just jealous. Hey that he didn't know about that. That would be a iron better than him. I've got my five I'm going to put my five pieces right now. I've got five pieces for the stone pole some way away. I've got one nice stone for the can that never grows. The Dominic Cummings memorial can may he rest in peace because I believe his beanie hat is still it's fallen off the pole

that it is now resides on top of some of the stones and will be buried eventually in the remembrance of him. It's so sad what happened to him. But death comes to us all Dominic. Do not be feared. It's just part of life's rich journey because eventually they're carried off admittedly in your case into hell. Oh no someone's coming. Will this affect the stone pole? Oh there's two people coming Jesus. Right Wolves come here. Four feet. Morning how you doing? Good thanks here. Yeah good. There we are. That was a little warning from the stone stars that they suspect I'm up to something.

Don't know if you heard him. How are my stones going? Very brazen they're getting that confident. Should have said I didn't know what he talked about but he tricked me like in the Great Escape. Right number one. Or just nipped it I think. Oh I just missed it. I don't know if we can count that first one. And I might get my richest fingers and richest sticks. One's hit. Oh one out of five. Right Wolves out here. Out here. Good girl. There you go. Good girl. What are you doing friendly? With weather she's being friendly is the question. Yeah good girl. Go Wolves. You don't just at the moment you don't say

you never know we're dogs around the stones. Fortunately with that stone stars it goes. Question about stones I did drop the stone I was carrying. It's still out there. I'll go back and get it another day. That is permitted by stone law. So he's shaking me. I'm shook by him sort of like that just saying how the stone's going. How did he trick me? I should have said I don't know what you're talking about stones huh? What? Of course the more people know the more dangerous it is for me. This is why I do try to keep this a secret as possible what I'm doing here. Somehow God knows how he's found out about this. He's got a sniff of what I'm up to.

We'll be just in a week and here we are at the main can. The rain coming down a little heavier now and that's just gone straight into me. Someone's put a so one of the crop onto my can, the beet. Again that's a definite maybe that will be the picture. I'll take a picture of that as well. Definite warning people know what I'm up to. So for some reason the photos suddenly started turning the recordings off. So I'll make a choice as to which of the two photos is used on the podcast. We'll see. Down the hill we go. We're nearly at the end of another walk.

Terrible feeling. I accidentally threw one of the which is fingers of which is dicks at the stone pole which a would invalidate the attempt which would be good today because it was one out of five. Maybe one and a one and a half. We could count one and a quarter. But also that's you know just throwing money away. Well there we go. Not many stones visible down here. Not just near enough for me to risk getting. Really away at the moment. And hold it off till I get home that it's affecting my

stone crane and my broadcasting. Most broadcasters wouldn't tell you they really need your way. They would just pretend they didn't try and carry on but I can tell you're not stupid. You can sense that something is off with the usually very professional commentary here and that's what it is. It's just me thinking should I have a wee in a bush while I'm talking to these people when I get away with it. Did Dave or Dimble do that during the coronation of Queen Elizabeth? Probably not because he did it. Right here's the Dominic Cummings Memorial sorry the ditch that stopped Dominic Cummings and Brexit. And we're just coming up to the now for an omega can once again. We've completed our journey. We

survived somehow. Some post calls that you'll agree today and worryingly close calls. Part of the reason I've stopped the life transmission. I've got a stone clear as doesn't just stones to put on the upper omega can but they are some tiny tiny ones but together they make that's almost a small medium there together. We'll head home just time to look at a couple of emails. Flora Brambles has been in touch to say rich. I don't actually say a lot in the podcast though. It's very important that stone clearing is kept secret and yet hear me out here. I notice that the podcast is put out on a open feed. It's quickly enabled stone clearing

and surely people in your village could hear that podcast or see your Twitch stream and know what you're up to. No. No, that couldn't happen. Don't be crazy. I think I've covered my tracks enough. That's my answer to you Flora Brambles. Is that your real name? Very rude. Just trying to find another email here looking just looking at the name of the person who's sent it. Brambin Nissan. Brambin Nissan has been there. Brambin for a little conscience has been in touch. I did have an idea what this was about but I've just lost the email again. Brambin Nissan has been in touch. Just dead out at Terry. I can't remember what I was just going to say. Oh yeah, with Witch's Fingers and Witch's Dicks.

How can we be sure if we do purchase one of these stones from your Kickstarter campaign that it is a genuine A at Witch's Fingers and Witch's Dicks and B is definitely pick by yourself and C when it comes from the field and stuff. Just the stone you picked up elsewhere. Well, Brambin. I don't know how you got the nickname Brambin. I've been going to have been already for that. That's good. Coincidence, it's been there today. Just a coincidence that someone named Brambin is up and passing this boot open. I wonder if he knows. I think he does. He's got lots of stuff in the back. What was the question? Oh yeah, no, you can be absolutely sure. I wouldn't treat you like that.

As you've seen, I'm very careful to select. So, definitely Witch's Fingers or Witch's Dicks. I can't tell you which is which. That is part of the game. What you're paying for is the reassurance that knowledge that you have a genuine Witch's Finger audit to be. That's the empty, I can't promise you. That's what you will have to debate. Some are more obvious than others, I think, but there's always an element of debate about those when they come in. They'll come in in a nice box that we find. Right, I've got it there. My family is just the other side of here. So, I will bid you a jet. Thank you for listening to another song to him.

Sorry, I've got broken up into three parts. See you soon. Goodbye. Dance. Don't listen to the bird fan tree. Don't listen to your underpants. Lippin' to the stone, Lippin' to the stone, And they, in turn, are lippin' to ye, My friend, my fine friend. Stone clearing of Richard Herringstad. Me, Richard Herring, and Wolfie, the dog, plus quite a few other people were passed by, including that man who made me. I hope I'll be safe. Their music is by my cove grade. The voice of the Fatones is Michael Faheen.

Don't listen to the bird fan tree. Don't listen to your underpants. Lippin' to the stone, Lippin' to the stone, And they, in turn, are lippin' to ye, My friend, my fine friend. You