Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 70

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Chapter Seventy - Tractor Trampled Beetf. It's 8am on 29th July 2020 and Rich is on the brink of leaving you all for a life with a Hollywood fuperftar, but might as well get one stone clear in before that happens. The farmer has been sabotaging his own crop and the stone Stasi are quiet, maybe too quiet, but Rich is not put off and manages to clear over 20 more stones in the 30+ minutes of this lesson. May be a break for the holiday next week or a fummertime fpecial. Who knows? What's the big TV job? If only there was some way to find out.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my found friends welcome to chapter 70 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring It's exactly 8 a.m. It is the 29th of July 2020 and I'm managing to slip this one in amongst a very busy working week because I love you so much don't need to go without your weekly fix if I can help it the next week I am on holiday and unless I can find some stones on the beach you're on your own you're on your own my found friends so let's go walkscom I've had a lovely week working you know it takes me away from the field and that's a shame that fills me with sadness but what can you do what can you do my found found friends and we must be approaching almost harvest time

looking forward to that the field and the station becoming clear of the green waves that have taken over we're back to the brown sea one would hope so I'm just approaching the field now certainly no harvest yet Wolfie doing a wee just marking a territory this is hers just as I mark my territory by offering up a stone or two to the Alfred and Oliver god of the first can well I think I'm off your leader horse there's no one around come on let's go Wolfie bands off into the field leaping over the waves like a demented seal

looking for a place to do a poo I wouldn't wonder if you end up eating any beets over the next few months for the good chance my dog's excrement is all over there she goes I've got a nice brown round flattie there it's off the field that was a stone up I didn't do a poo and anyone who said my dad is lying work is progressing on the stone prune kick starter I'm not sure when we're going to start it up we're just trying to get some of that material together to show you what we've got there's no real rush I think there'll be some stuff you want good girl

just bought this stone it's a peaceful day it's overcast but a little bit chilly I've put a jacket on even though it's the summertime that's weirdly quiet maybe too quiet something's going on perhaps this is the day if I am attacked and killed by the stone starter I would attempt to load this up in my final moments so there's no proof I don't think I will it's gone up so he's definitely okay I will I'll just press the button as I'm dying and it will go up so this could still be the day from your point of view a bit of jeopardy there and you know for me as well I don't know what's going to happen in the future

I'm not Mr. Dharma I'm not Noftra Dharma oh so yeah it's been quite a week of working since Saturday I'm in again today and then it's over by the time you hear this there may be some news about what the fuck it is I've been doing not unlike clearing stones from the field actually and I'm back in the big time that's all I can say and I will never forget you guys and what you've done for me along the way but you're so fucking done mate I don't think I can carry on doing this when I'm living in Hollywood I'm living with Sandra Bullock I won't be able to carry on clearing stones then so enjoy this while you can

that's probably within two weeks that's what's going to be happening me in Hollywood living with Sandra Bullock I'll stick with my wife and family for now but as soon as little Sandy comes calling little Richie's on one way flight to Hollywood my friend it's just the way it is no one would judge me for that everyone would understand and you know you don't see Brad Pitt doing a stone-cleaning podcast that's what I'm saying so thanks for all the tens of listens that I've had for this podcast but as soon as this news hits I'm out here oh that's like a tiny witch's finger or witch's dick there

it's so little I think I'll count it anyway someone might get that one it's a petite dick or finger and coming to the corner where the weeds are high here making stone-cleaning even more difficult than the actual crops I'm going to kick a stone out of the path there it goes coming out hopefully it's resistant

they're plucking it out by hand it's bigger than I thought it was oh hopefully it bounced off the bench and hopefully kicked it it bounced back I think she's fine this is like a jungle of weeds here sorry I just was in a little reverie thinking about some stuff then got that when we were talking thinking about the stuff I've been in this week

it was a very good TV fame so it's going to be great when I'm back on the telly where I'm from it's been too long hasn't it back on the old TV it's been too long since that snooker thing was on the other day but stones that's what we're here it's not about let's not I know what happened I know that with this twitch thing

I got overwhelmed by the up to 200 people a day watching me clear stones I became an aggregate meaning some of it is in the field and the arrogant covered that well big head and I regret it but this time come on this is the big time I'm back in the big time

back in the big time it's going to be great I'll show all those people who doubted me so anyway let's enjoy the stones that's not that we're going to have to think about my imminent stardom will we what do you think of that literally no one around again this isn't spooky we have lost at least one dog walker recently to

the great Grim Reaper but that shouldn't that shouldn't affect I remember that here quite so gravely it's just the utter silence could this be my journey to Stonehead perhaps I've died already in this it's the last walk before I arrive at Hal Valor

the Hall of the Stone Men and take my right level place on the right hand the stone god literally on his hand not pleasant place to be really it's got a big stony finger he sticks out your bum

that's what it is that's what we're that's what the greatest stone clearer will that's the reward but it's better than whatever else gets so you know it's not a great religion I say so I'm clarifying that everyone apart from that just comes to the stone

full of eternity however well they've cleared stones but you're aiming for that touch spot good luck if you think you can beat me so this could be it this could be the walk I think I'm going around the field going home though perhaps

my eternity is just to be walking around this field thinking I'm doing a podcast and in fact I've died hope I'll have a doggy coming up behind us just make sure Wolfie's fine good girl

if I ever worked from the stone stars there making me think I was I'm observed and then all the time there was a guy coming right behind me I don't know what he saw could be the Archangel Gabriel who's also in the stone gods he's the only figure

apart from Jesus who is not a god though cheaper Wolfie look at that on the edge do you like it do you like the stone I'm going to I'll put it here I'll stop a small tree

into a big pile of nettles going very oddly the stone stars are behind me but moving very slowly may have seen me throwing that stone I'm going to grab a couple of little tiddlers for the singing ring tree which will be one of the five badges you can get

scout badges on the Kickstarter campaign not going to ruin what all of them are that's one, two no singing ringing let's just chuck another one in for luck no not today, no singing ring in tree today which makes me think that I'm not died

I think if I saw the singing ring in tree and the fairies that I came out that would be probably an indication that my brain was shutting down as death took its icy grip around my throat and choked me

taking it away and choked me taking me away from you all there's a tractor mark through the field there that's interesting the farm for some reason has driven his tractor right through the centre of the field knocking down many of his crops

don't know what the logic behind that is I guess it doesn't give a fuck it's only some beat I'm not sure if we'll lose a few of those now there which is finger, which is not a dainty which is finger, which is dick I like the dainty ones

but they come in all shapes and sizes just like fingers and dicks throughout history this is the first bit of exercise I've had for a while so it's taken its toll if I'm not dead I might be by the end of this if I am more aged then I don't know

whether I'm going to get this out to you I hope you can listen to it so like a nice episode of quantum leap or something or a high way to heaven don't know what the episode of that was we all passed all of this should pass there's a stone in the shape of a seven

and a new rule of seven that's got to be some kind of sign I don't know what kind of sign it is but we'll see if we can come off the lead again there's nothing else happening we're coming up to the corner of the field there can be some surprises then the poppies

strewn right across the field there in two lines almost like they've been deliberately planted that way it's quite beautiful they were scattered randomly as well but just there banged two straight lines of poppies stretching into the horizon again very unusual stuff to see

plus those tractor tracks why would the farmer drive through his own crop like that is he insane perhaps he hates crops secretly wants to destroy them just got a stubborn stone here can I dig it out with my boot

I think I can oh that's a nice one nicely extracted by boot off the field another stone here will be running if it gives up hope as we see it disappear

into the bushes ah well what's that there oh it's a stone nearly a witch's finger which is thick but too bulbous to be either a finger or a dick one that might be a witch's nose

maybe not one pointy nose but it's coming up I don't care about the noses nobody does if I try to sell witches noses on kickstarter people think I was insane taking the piss no one wants that

a finger or a dick if you want to pleasure yourself with your finger or dick when you've got it that is up to you you're playing with forces that you do nobody do not understand but also that makes it quite sexy doesn't it that's what I think I have not pleasureed myself

with any of the witch's fingers or dicks that will be going out and then as I have his lie oh another little bit of stone I haven't got my cow with me today oh I got it out with my foot

that was a great one from the witchy heron there it's a famous one but it's dim she knows her chase is redundant she's gone off the field into the bushes look at that breath I'm fucking out

that's like one week of not doing any walking fuck me it's terrible being old and I can see when the farmer's driven on to the field here he's completely crushed at large his own clock what's he thinking

unless it's a rival farmer just driven his tractor on the hope of ruining the beat the beat goes on that's what they say but it doesn't at some point you have to farm it

harvest it just clearing a few stones from this corner it's very stony here and there's nobody around as far as I can see fairly random falling well let's get home come let's get home

we've got one last day of work and then I'll never have to work again because I'll be such a big star that's what I'm hoping maybe if I've become so successful I can spend all my time

clearing stuff that could be the other I'd say looks handy just got to go back to Hertford just to clear some stones I'll be back tonight private jet bang over clear some stones bang back to Hollywood

I don't know how it's going to work or something like that I mean I haven't even checked where the sand book is currently single but I think you know I'm not currently single so it doesn't have to be a

that beat or that's a beat that's one of the beats look at that I mean it looks fairly disgusting it's been ripped up by a tractor very strange I mean I guess they're just not worth very much

then you can probably just kill most of them now let's see if I can get this fatty right into the bushes from it oooh had a little bit of a sharp edge nearly and Wolfie goes after it

to no avail let's try this roundy this has got a better chance oh that was a perfect throw from Little Richie Herring right into the bushes from I don't know 10 to 15 meters

they're probably one of the thirdest distances a stone has ever been thrown by a human being so we're heading across another crisscross from a tractor here I think very strange behaviour flattened his own or her own crops

and for what just the pleasure of driving a tractor through some beats I guess I guess that's quite a nice pleasure let's get a photo of it we talked about it a lot just throwing a stone up the path there

so I'm just getting a photo of this firm here it's still growing I think that captures what we're talking about strange behaviour from any farmer we're still rolling rolling it down

a little bit of dampness on the soil that's not significant bit of dew these are just the things you have to contend with when you're a stone farmer I picked up a stone to take the central cane it's very much a small large about the size

of a flattened small apple another crisscross there another crisscross that's where all the poppies are I will never understand what drives a farmer why would you want to grow loads of vegetables anyway that's weird

gonna get a proper job what use is that to anyone which comes only clear stones off a field do something useful mate but why would you do that and then run over a lot of your own crops only through insanity perhaps temporary insanity

perhaps permanent insanity four stones now gathered almost at the magical stone clears dozen that's five only two here we go across another devastated part of the field beets, flame

pulled out of the ground, crushed they're all white inside but they're not all right outside am I right am I right at all that would be a monumental witch's dick there but it's got the balls on

there's no question it could be enough I suppose but it's going on the central cane and I've got my one, two, three, four, five stones that I've gathered on this walk literally no other fuck around I've always done it another way if you keep in account it's too easy to poo

that's what I've seen another cross of the fields wow another swirl around the field there this farmer has gone nuts and I'm gonna make it a stone clears dozen plus one a human half dozen someone in the corner of the field

looking like a gate post brilliantly camouflaged standing still drab clothing very impressive so the path to the central cane slightly pulls away some coming in from the side here

the side that doesn't get too much action usually but I'll take a couple of the stones oh they've gone the wrong way that stone starts to head it off to the right rather than heading across the diagonal foolish error but one that's made so often by they're automatons really

most of these stone stars they can't change of course they've set out that's the beginning of their journey even when they see a little Richie Harion in the distance I must be on their radar now as a suspect for who's doing this amazing work but they've never caught me they never will

that's my belief so we head down the hill this is traditionally where the more philosophical stuff happens but you know did we do that philosophical stuff already when I was talking about it's possibly being my journey after death well that's a philosophical question in itself

or if I picked up a nice biggie there that just kicked it out the ground I'm doing a lot of good kicking work today and don't forget your kick many people favour the pick as I do but I favour it but don't underestimate the power of the kick

my fan friends my fan fan friends and my fan friends I was trying to say you're my sign surrender but I'm using every fraction maybe your language of course didn't need to tell you that my fan friends my sign trends

I've got confused the cast of the thing I'm in we're talking about Michael Barrymore every night he does strike it lucky with a board game on YouTube or Instagram or something like that how tragic it was I kept my mouth shut

I kept my mouth shut because what Michael Barrymore doing is doing compared to this someone would say is top of the bill 1970s entertainment 20 million viewers

here I am in a field clearing stones good luck to Michael Barrymore I say I like him he was very nice to us back in the day we briefly worked on a pilot that used none of that material on

but that's because his wife wouldn't let her show make she rest in peace she was 55 when she died I discovered this week she seemed so old even in 1990 when she was

probably about 39 oh dear how quickly life passes so we've got some nice stones here for the care that never grows the Dominic Commons Memorial Care may rest in peace his hat is still there

not even yet partially buried but I can't manage to get a stone to stick on it that can still be exactly the same size as it always is even though you've heard me add stone upon stone to it Wobby I come up to the stone pole

missed this fella gotta find some ammo amongst all these weeds any small stones here that will make my job harder to very small but I'm up to the challenge

oh there's a slightly big one there's a much big one should we start with a big one checking the ones around to watch oh the big one misses completely Wobby's slightly getting in the way oh no out of two

not out of three not out of four this couldn't be the full Monty oh it rebounded I don't don't know if I think that might just count as one out of five it rebounded off the gate post and I think it in the back of the stone pole

that's not good I needed luck today for what's to come for the rest of the day and that is a poor sign poor sign oh dear okay oh my god here's a couple of tiddlers

off the path there just to the edge of the field they all helped the wall grow he would hardly know I've done anything down oh Wobby's put one of them back on thanks to us you're a good dog

you're a good double agent that's all I know you hear the beep beep beep something reversing in the distance is that the mobility scooter of Davros I haven't seen her around actually I hope she's okay much as she is my mortal enemy

I don't want to send anything to her if you wish death upon your enemies you become as bad as your enemies then they have a reason to be your enemies and I'd love her I would like to marry her if Sandra Bullock doesn't work out she's second on my wish list

probably more realistic nice little nest growing there actually that's encouraging we're approaching the main can she's stretching it's way around this corner now this is the danger of course

where as soon as it starts it could be waiting no one straight ahead but to the left could there be someone there ready to bounce I love the thrill I've been caught so I'm picking up a stone

adding that to the far extreme of the wall and this side that's where it walks anyone there will think Wally's going ahead to check for me no again we've got like almost entirely

left to our own devices today and I'm going to put a couple of stones on the main can just it doesn't happen very often right in the centre down here we go some wolves oh I'm going to have a cup of tea

when I get in that's what I'm thinking I've started drinking tea have coffee this is just to let you know what my morning prep is I had porridge and maybe three small cappuccinos

but that's three shots of coffee and now I used to drink coffee all the day long but now I don't really like to drink it after about ten o'clock very rarely

maybe when we're back into the cities I might stop off and have a coffee in mid-afternoon but I don't know will we ever go back to the cities second wave is on its way my friends as predicted by yours truly

I just want to get any stones down here the weed's so high it is a wall a fortress that only the bravest man could overcome by walking through them but I will need to find some stones for the

ditch that stopped Brexit the ditch that forced Dominic Cummings to resign as well as famously known both those things very powerful ditch do not cross it

cross it at your peril my friends cross it at your own peril for it shall wreak its revenge upon you from maybe not immediately it takes quite a lot of time I've got some tiny, tiny stones to put in

it doesn't matter how big they are for the ditch that stopped Brexit as long as you feed it it will do the right thing and feed it I foul there you go the stones that's the sweet spot maybe getting quite deep there

with stones not surprising I suppose given how many stones I've put in there but then the the can that never grows loads of stones never grows so what are you going to do using the boot again

trying to get up around it and I've done it I've fucking done it I didn't think I could the boot is a great weapon and these can all go on the Afronomica can have you had a good enough walk

Wolfs you enjoyed yourself more tracks there on the tractor I think it's a sign that something's coming maybe after my holiday I'll come back and the beaks will not go on

there's 70 of these things I've done now plus a summer time special summer time special and last year maybe another summer time special next week but it will not count

in chapters we'll be good girl let's go come on time for a couple of emails just looking through the emails that's why I'm pausing

grind weed grind weed's been intact things should just for town clearance I ever go on holiday which I heard you were planning you heard it to be from Wales I heard you were

I heard you were planning a holiday with Richard and I'm not too happy about that because here in Wales there's a lot of stones

need clearing we've got to take them all the way to Stonehenge to Stonehenge and what gives you the right to take a week off plus a week for working away

you're a disgrace to all sorry a disgrace to all town clearance well thank you Brian Weed there for

chipping your hate and your worth in the thing with clearing stones is you can only do it when the spirit of the stones is within thee and you do need

some time away from the field I'm sorry you are driven mad by the photons which I think you probably have been morning it wasn't bad enough

you know living in Wales good Welsh accent I might have to say so I suppose that would be because you are from Wales thank you but you can't reply to me

you're on an email well I'd like to say thank you for acknowledging me Richard that's all I really wanted just for one to acknowledge I was here I think just for a second

to hear my name on a podcast that's all I really care about this gate is fucking shit and the people we put in are refusing to

answer my emails it's absolutely 100% falling apart it's absolute shit well there we go that's the end of another SoundClear thank you for the

unpleasant email Brian but thank you nonetheless I have to go and get ready for a couple of words so see you in Hollywood

my fine friends take care I love you all adio adio amigoth to the stone my friend

and they for helping year merry dance don't liven to the bird

fan tree don't liven to your underpan liven to the stone

liven to the stone and they in turn I'll liven to you my friend

my fine friend Stoneclown with Richard Herring starred me, Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog and really hardly anyone else had said hello to one of my neighbors at the end

and there was a bloke way behind us but very lacking in people out there isn't it the music is by Mike Coffrey the voice of the tones is

Mike Coffrey liven to the stone my friend and they for helping year

merry dance don't liven to the bird fan tree don't

liven to your underpan liven to the stone liven to the

stone and they in turn I'll liven to you my friend my fine friend my friend