Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 78

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

Chapter Feventy-Eight - I'm Just On The Phone. It's after 9am on the 6th October and the farmer has still forgotten about their crop, but the sun is out and so is the moon and Rich is chilled and loquacious. He is almost discovered by a ftealth ftone ftafi and sees a Spunkular out on the stocean, but otherwise he can mainly relax and tell you about his cupboard and his book and the ancient wisdom of medieval times. Plus bonus attempt at cupboard unblocking.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my fan friends, welcome to chapter 78 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. It is 9.05pm, it's a little bit later than usual. I've already done one dog walk today but it's only a quick one. The kids are at school, my wife's out, I'm still at home. I haven't even come out of the house yet. Do I need my North Face jacket? I don't think so.

It's lovely and warm out there. I'm just going to take my North Face jacket. Sometimes the greatest protection North Face can give you is when you leave it at home. Alright wolves, we're going, do you need a poop? Wolfie came out for a walk but she didn't do a poo, so we're going to go for another walk. But it's going to be a leisurely one. This is a good thing about this. We might be able to do a little bit longer than usual.

I apologise, there was no podcast chapter last week. I did do one but my earbud fell out at one point and it stopped. Also I just lost the will to talk in any case. So you were spared last week but I'm out in the chilly air locking up my house. I really want a cup of tea but I'm going to wait till I'm back. It's bin day for those of you who want the bin podcast. A lot of recycling on the outside, got a bit wet in the rain. Alright Wolfie, quick quick, ah, cross the road quick quick quick.

Good girl, who's a good girl? Ah, and remember sunglasses today looks nice. They're good sunny. The beautiful day, the skies are blue. I'm feeling quite positive about the sun because you can tell from my voice. So I'm looking forward to this chapter. And sometimes, you know, I feel reluctant to go out here. I just want you to know that's normal.

Some days you're going to feel, what am I doing? What's the point of this? You know, I've been doing this two years. There's no discernible difference on the field. What the hell was I thinking? But don't let those thoughts overwhelm you. That's normal, that's normal to doubt. Sometimes I think, what if the stonkers and gods aren't real?

I'm praying to nothing. What if putting a stone on the Afronomica can at the beginning and the end of every journey is meaningless? You're going to think these things and then you go, no, it's okay. Of course it's all true. Of course there's a reason. And think of how you'll be viewed in the future. You know, people laughed at Japheth when he was alive. They laughed at him, called him Hippie, called his shoes Japheth Randolph.

Told him to get a haircut. He had an awful time. Crucified him as well. There was another thing they did. Just forgot about that for a sec. I don't know which is Nick the Winner. I hope that's not bad luck. But, you know, now look at Japheth.

A lot of people think he was good. Some people still think he's a dick. But that's not, you know, you can never... How many other people from North BC in Palestine do you remember? Not many. So that's what I'm talking about. They can call you a bassoon. They can say those stones are needed for drainage in the field, Rich.

But, in the 2000 years time, who's going to remember those guys? Do you remember the guy who said Stoneclain was stupid? No. Do you remember the guy who did the Stoneclain? Well, Richard Herring. Yeah. Obviously we all know him. Why are you even asking that?

What how? At the time he would have been viewed as an idiot. Well, that Noah. This is me now talking about the bloke from the future. People laughed at him. Then he had a boat in the inn. Bang. Safe. I had to collect all his animals.

Small price to pay for being alive. Come on, Wolfs. He made the mistake of collecting animals rather than stones. But don't get in and out. Don't put the stones in and out. They'll be fine underwater. They can breathe underwater for up to two billion years. Then they die.

Beautiful blue skies out here in Hertfordshire today. Had a lot of rain. My kitchen loose. Ruth's been leaking. Every time I get something sorted out in my house, something else comes along. Just got that sorted out. As that got sorted out, my mother-in-law

had put a pan incorrectly in our carousel covered in the kitchen. And now it's we can't open it because the pan handle is stuck. And we can't get to any of our pans. It's given me a lot of hassle,

a lot of worry. We'll sort it out. Absolutely stuck. No one else in the world seems to have experienced this problem. Which I can't believe. You've got to place the pans with the handles pointing inwards.

My mother-in-law, she claims it wasn't there, but I know it was. Because I've seen a lot of things not in their correct place in the kitchen. She emptied the dishwasher. Which no one should do apart from me. When will the world learn?

I'm good at collecting stones. And I'm good at emptying dishwashers. And filling them as well, by the way. Filling them is the hardest bit of fencing. But it's not time to apportion blame. Even though it's my mother-in-law's fault, I think, possibly my father-in-law.

It's given me a lot of a lot of anxiety. Can't get to my pans. We've got two pans that aren't in that cupboard. And we've got they were put in the dishwasher after the dishwasher was emptied.

So if you're worried about that, they were in the sink and they had put them in the dishwasher. I don't think you've got me, because you haven't. But we can't get to our cheese grater's. We can't get to our measuring jugs. We can't get to our colanders. We can't.

And we can't get to most of our pans. So that's what's going on in the herring household. Pretty stressful stuff, I think you'll agree. But out here on the fields, we have no stress, apart from the stress of having to clear

maybe a billion stones before my death. And not feeling all that well, feeling quite unfit. Doing a wee like a male dog. I don't know when that started. I started lifting her leg. She thinks she's a boy. Why not?

Why not? Not my point to ascribe gender. Lovely spherical. That was like Death Star. A little bit cut off. You know how the Death Star's got a little circle.

Indented. Good to get millennium falcon and millennium falcon and Death Star. At the same time we can play a game of Star Wars. Not all my kids. None of these things matter. Read my blog

for my 40 year too late hot take on the first three, middle three. Depending how you look at it. Star Wars films. Those ones. Oh, a lovely big stone in the park here.

I brought my trowel out with me. Got that out. And up in the sky, even though it's day time, the rock I know apart from the planet Earth itself is mocking me. The moon facing towards the sun.

Half of its sphere visible. Maybe a little over half. It's like a giant stone in the sky. I mean, it's not like that it is. That's not a very good simile. Yeah, sure. Sorry, just on the phone.

Cool. You haven't got a dog, have you? Thank you. Come on. Yeah, hello. You're still there? Yeah, hi. And Wobby, come here. Wobby.

Good girl. Played the old... Got surprised by a stone. As they're walking up behind me. You can see it. But cleverly pretended I was on the phone too late. And

she thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I am. Maybe I am. But that was a good lesson for you. You're off in your reverie. You're chatting in your podcast.

I'm sure you have as well now. That's stone clearing. And you have to cover. You get discovered. You may have seen me picking out some stones. But she's the weird one. No dog.

She's heading across the field there. Looks like she's out for a jog. She's walking. Coat around the waist. You wouldn't go for a jog in a coat. There's something weird going on. Helicopter going above. I always imagine that's Noel Edmunds.

Whatever else is going on. Flying into the moon. Oh my god. Just because of the perspective. For a second there. I thought Noel Edmunds had gone. But if Noel Edmunds was to die I think he would like to die crashing his helicopter into the moon.

That's just a guess. But you've proved me wrong. If you can. Beautiful. Because they were right by the central care. Also the opposite of the main care. Right in the path. He's been sitting there for eternity.

Waiting for me. I've passed it 203 times. I've only just seen it and dug it out of my trail. Bang. We're fine. I'm not sure she brought the being on the phone thing. She didn't say apologize for interrupting my call. But look.

I had to be fast. She literally must have just come onto the field through the secret little path at the bottom. While I was being very unobservant. She might be off to her paymasters at Stone Starzy right now. To dob me in. This could be my last stone plan.

Let's make it a good one. Let's make it a good one. I'm going to check my phone's working. So you're not missing this gold. Oh dear, that's good. Every time I take it out though. I'm worried that maybe I'll put it back. I'm going to ruin it.

It's not much help. But we've got 11 minutes of gold so far. This isn't like last week where I lost. I just lost the wheel. I talked to you. I was going to just leave a silent one. But then I realized the podcast hadn't been recording anyway. So for most of it.

So. There's many great lost chapters. It's a tragedy when a piece of art like this is lost in time. In space. And now I suppose it's the way of all great art. I will be burying these podcasts in their special

waterproof canister. So they may be discovered in the future. If you are listening in the future. Hello. I mean, you might also just be listening to them. I might still be up. All bit of quite a bit of

Rome and Villa here. I haven't spotted before. Three bits all together. This might be where the main Rome villa was. It's a bit earlier than usual. Only a few feet. It might be a bigger villa than I thought. So. I'm not talking to myself.

I'm on the phone. That's what you're going to do. Don't think I'm crazy. I'm talking to my friend. It's big, big truth. Who has been emailing. That's where I got that name from.

Big truth. Telegram. I wrote an email in this week to say what's the best way to get started talking to yourself. It's weird that sometimes this happens. It feels like more than coincidence sometimes. I call this a plan

by some high force. And well, it's big truth. We've seen what you do. You pretend you're on the phone. Often older people don't realise you could be on the phone with invisible headphones. So they just think you're crazy anyway.

People think you're using your phone with your phone. It's in my pocket. I'm wearing these things in my ears. I'm just going to check behind the chair. I'll be probably looking. That was embarrassing. I'll be laughing stuck around the villa

just as it gets out. Luckily it's a secret. It's kept from them. Oh. So yeah, here we go. I've been tossing a few stones aside. Plucking and tossing. By the way, the 16 page

stone clearing manual is on its way to the printers. The scout badges from the kit start to have arrived at Chris Evans Not That One HQ on the stone. He's going to the brushing stairs we caught. They will all be sent out when everything's ready.

So we are pretty certain we'll get these well to you well before Christmas. Both pick starters, the Sniff one which you won't be interested in. So be successful. We're doing our best. You can ask no more.

And we're only a week and a couple of days away from taskmaster starting up. 9pm. Channel 4. Thursdays. In the next 10 weeks. Not this week.

And we're less than a month away from the publication of The Problem With Men which I just completed the audio book for yesterday. And I've been sitting around just talking for 2 hours. It took probably a total of about 10 hours what we did to do a podcast as well.

But on Monday I just sat there talking for 2 hours to myself. If people had looked at me then they would have thought I was mad. Especially as I seem to be just reading out my own book. But if you then take a wider picture and look at it again oh he's recording the audio book and that's why you shouldn't judge by appearances

that ladies was walking behind me and said can I just get past as if I was mental. I'm not mental. The very disappointed still that the crops have been months that I've been saying how long is it going to be.

They're looking fucking huge these things now. I'm pretty worried about them developing into triphids which with the current virus and everything else going on would be the final proof that John Wyndon was a soothsayer. Maybe that's what's going on.

But I'll be the man to fight them off. I've got a trowel. I've got an off-face jacket but I've left it at home. There's a couple of beetroots up there looking like avian feet. Nobody else around on the field. I'm a bit late for the dog walk. This might be a good time to stone clear generally

people at work school living their lives. Not a richie herring. I've got nothing apart from this. This is all I've got my fan friends. The next field looking tantalizing beautifully

cloud full of massive stones just getting with another one into the Heads and Black Desert and making some lovely blackberry and apple crumbles in my spare time which I do have some spare time away from stone clearing.

And just thinking maybe maybe I'll retire quite soon. I've had enough of this showbiz life coming not from stone clearing. I'm a very private person I'd like to keep my life as undocumented as possible and

just taking a little look into that field just to see how it's going over there just to see if there's anyone doing it so clever and tactic. There's no one in this field either. Beautiful. Let's have a look out and see what's here. There's quite a good one.

The thing is there's just some big stones in this field because nobody's thought to clear it. There's a nice one there that can go in the central wall. This is of course against all the walls of stone clearing There are no rules for stone clearing. That's the first rule of stone clearing. I need to tell you that.

The second rule is you must obey the rules of stone clearing. So the second rule is you must only clear stones from your own field and must not transgress into other fields. But I feel and within the letter not the letter but the spirit

of the law by using stones from the next field to make myself feel better with stones there and be to build a wall between the two fields so no one can break that rule. So the way I'm enforcing the rule and I am

a special case it's like I'm the conservative government and you're everybody else I'm allowed to break the rules if I feel like it but you are and I think that's fair then again anyone would argue that was a fair way of looking at it

because there's no one around I'm taking the opportunity to clear if I'm back in my own field now and clearing there are a lot of stones in this corner you've seen it if you've watched the videos that was a good throw oh no that wasn't a good throw I'm trying to throw with my

trowel in my hand that's often a problem we'll be trying to go get that one because it doesn't get into the edge so I'm going to have to be quick whoopee oh no it looks like someone with

a rope and a hard hat on I think someone's maybe going a lot climbing or a cave going into a cave of some kind but there are no caves around here that might just be a big one we'll leave I'm going to get more from the doggie

just in case they're far enough away it won't be too stupid to see them but we'll just be on the safe side I'm just going to go to those just in case I think we've got enough they give me a cheery wave whoever they are dumb almost

a cheery wave saying we've spotted you we know who you are we know what you're doing come on Wolfie it's Carla that's who it is it's my dog it's Carla Wolf she's not from the south

if she's from the south she's in deep she walks there Wolfie at lunch times most days and she's walking other dogs so that doesn't make you feel sad she might be coming this way that's the kind of thing she would do

she drives you off elsewhere doesn't she she walks other dogs around here weird very good dog walker if you live in my village you need a dog walker Carla you'll know she's if you live in my village

don't stop listening to this it's going to be hard to cover I'm just on the phone this is just me on the phone and it's accidentally recorded and turned into a podcast I'm just talking to someone about some stones I need clearing from my garden

I think Carla's gone a different direction that's good even though I do trust Carla but that's the worst kind of stone Stasi the ones that go in deep weird I thought she was like a sprinkler is that what they call them cave person

something like that I'm going to call spunklers or something sometimes your eyes can trick you but I think the other things I've seen out here have been definitely true there is a more locked badge I don't know why that jumped to mine if you have got your scout badge that they look great

is what I meant to say I've just forgotten the guy's designer's name but he's amazing you can get other scout style badges from him as well I think you can just google that you'll probably find it him

that's kind of a wonderful job for us I think very much not that you'll be listening to this because you have a life if you make a scout badge oh and I've thrown a stone lodged in the tree there but eventually that's in the centre of the field which is looking huge

some big stones have gone in there eventually it will rise up to the level of where that stone is so I'm not worried about that so it is quite a good time to stone play just professional dog clearers out here everybody else all the stone Stasi they're just having a cup of tea

aren't they after a hard morning of trying to stop people from clearing stones why what drives them that's what I don't understand why do they why just leave us alone it doesn't affect you that's the thing with Nazis

they just want everything their own way don't they that's sort of one of their selling points I did like to know them pretty well having a second go doing pretty well glad to see unrelated

not going to see President Trump seems to be rallying for the moment we just don't have space for another memorial on the field right now when he does die I will build him a memorial so that his name can live on as long as mine the feeling he's going to be doing okay in that regard

I think he might be the only person from our era remembered if there is any other era beyond our era I picked up five stones for good sized ones just dropped over a beat lucky I did chop over that beat because I dropped my trowel

good sized stones I've got a if you're putting a bet on how many out of five it's going to be today is that a person over there yes they're moving oh very clever they're looking oh it's two feet but they're far away hopefully not coming this way if you're putting a bet on

for the stone pole I would go high I think it might be four these are all small small mediums yeah the bigger than usual maybe small small large maybe small medium small maybe small medium medium

it's hard to know it's not a very good system I think I'm going to get to the stone pole unencumbered that will be off the lead so we'll start pushing put it on the face a little bit I'm just trying to get the hair out of my face

gold and the people they're very well camouflaged they look just like bushes one of them is in the dark green coat it just goes into the bushes standing by I think they're women one in the blue coat but it's incredible how well camouflaged they are I hope there's no one like that right in front of me

that I haven't seen because I'm going to get caught I'm going to pick up another stone so there's one for the water face so I can give one to the Dominic Cummings can still with its scarf wrapped around it there we go one for Dominic Cummings the can that never grows there's a conquer on there

that's a stupid place to put a conquer and yeah feeling I mean I'm feeling fairly relaxed due to the basic lack of stone stars this may be a trick or I may have found the perfect time to stone clear just when I'm not worried about

having to get the kids to school rushing home my wife's out with a friend she's been out with him a lot recently she says they're kayaking together watch out Wolfie don't get in the way oh one out of one two out of two

I told you Wolfie's in the way but I'm still getting over Wolfie oh it's a miss that wasn't that was the wrong call two out of three three out of four hit the left sign bang on four out of five I told you it's just bigger stones that's all you need well that's a good day I told you it feels like a good day

today doesn't it it's nice I've got a little spring in my step I've got no deeds to do I've got promises to keep I'm dappled and drowsy I'm ready to sleep let the morning time shed all its petals on me

life I love you I love stone clearing to quote Paul Feynman gone with our American stone clearers just clearing a little stone inside here but we're heading towards the main can I'm confident there's no one around I'm not even going to put Wolfie on the lead around this corner

it's the dangerous dangerous perhaps dangerous tactic that's what I wanted to say so yeah it's nice to be back with you guys I'm sorry I missed you for a week I missed you I missed old what was his name

tell you no telegraph pole I'll beat true telegraph pole is it I think that was his name um sorry mate I missed giving you wise aphorisms from the past I know you love those

you write them do write them down keep them close to your heart in case you ever need them that's one of the aphorisms I have to write down these aphorisms my friend for they found comfort ye in times of furrow it's a beautiful day out here

it's just such crazy weather I mean it isn't because that's always how the United Kingdom is so I don't know why we always say stuff like that I'm going to take a little Sejaun out across the field to try and find a big stone to put on the main can I know there's lots here there's just some in the path but I feel confident that's uh

I have time ready to fire out the ones I've seen I've got my chow there's no one around perhaps I'm being over under cautious is that the word over confident nothing massive out here Rich

what are you thinking which ones are you thinking about maybe these ones well that's not bad there's a couple it's important to get these before the plow comes of course they will be buried again very soon oh that's a nice one three nice ones I think I'll put them in the main bit of a can

which is just slumping slightly under its own weight I'm sure just enjoy the serenity for a second as I walk back towards the main can three I mean I would say medium medium this right down the line got nice chunky stones nonetheless

and we'll stick them atop the main can right in the middle there it's looking good it's looking fine this is one of those of my main cans in the 16 page brochure

look upon my work She Mighty and Diff Bear I think you've got that page it's called come on horse and here we go heading down I almost want to stay out here all day I've got a trip to the supermarket probably later when my wife's back with the car

there's a dog poo right in the path she's waiting flies enjoying it what's up with flies what do they like dog shit so much for what's that about just trying to have some fly based stand up routines

for when the fly's taking a walk if you're doing another way it's a good job we stayed out isn't it another little wee for you you've done a poo I think as well and this trip's an interesting tip and the autumn the harbour

if a time where the stone clearer may unwind for the blackberries they do blush and the fountains they do gush and

the hedgehogs they do hush on their way to their winter sleep for the stones still need to be cleared but the harbour still needs to be feared and the combine harvester she is near

with the new wet the combine harvester is a medieval time and I can't remember what the rhyming scheme is the first verse should rhyme here but I can't remember what I ended the first verse on I mean I'm reciting but I've just forgotten the poem this last bit and the brexit dish

the brexit ditch must be filled and it's good that that's reminding me because I'm right by the brexit ditch now so it's nice sometimes that those aphorisms really hit the nail on the head and that must have been confusing to medieval people a lot of those references it was like noftradharma

wrote some of these and they must have been almost meaningless to I mean hassle often by the way it must have been almost meaningless to many of the medieval stone crews but now some of the combine harvester bit the brexit bit starts to make sense doesn't it

and I'm chucking a few there's just little tiny stones out here but quite a few of them so I'll put another one or two in the brexit ditch the ditch that saved present trump we can all agree on that very quick we'll turn around

and I think I've mentioned that in the video which usually happens on Friday mornings follow me on twitch.tv you should get notifications it doesn't always come through just keep primed

you can always catch up on those on youtube or on twitch videos if you want to see what's going on there are a little bit probably a bit mainstream for you guys but you might get a kick out some of the stupid things the people saying in the chat room about stone clearing ah these blackberries

rotted on the they've made a nice pie with those but there isn't it pretty much all rotted there's one red one could come back for that but that's not going to be much of a pie as we head down the alley we're off we've given some stones to the alphanomers can of course my doubts have far flown away

like the fatalings flying to the fahara deffit I don't know where they want to spend ah winter there it's much too hot it's very sweet they will die but it's good that those darts have flown

and they've died some holly above me which I'll remind you I've got an email from holly stick I'm rich I've been a bit worried you've been sometimes just feeling a bit down in the chapters

I hope you're okay there's anything I can do to make for anything I'm an 18 year old stone clearing fan and if there's any absolutely anything I can do I'm attaching a photo as you can see I'm a very attractive young woman and if there's anything I can do well all I'd ask holly is

thank you for that offer I'm feeling fine it's nice of you to appreciate the podcast so much you could become a monthly badger go past the straight dot com slash badgers that would be helpful you could just really if you'd just become a stone clearing find your own

your own field to clear that would be more than payment enough for me so thanks for that thanks for the photo I think some of you might have not realised you can see the reflection in the bathroom there

and I will of course delete that so that must be embarrassing for you I've seen part of your bum so thanks at holly, holly stick there that goes for all of you of course if you want to pay me back there's a good way to do that if you go to twitch

and you're with amazon prime you can link your amazon prime twitch account all the money we make from these things goes into making more podcasts coming up with new ideas for podcasts so do you keep that going come on in you've had your breakfast haven't you

we've been out already we were already home I mean you know it's been a long one I've really enjoyed it I feel like we've recaptured something that maybe was once lost and now it's found amazing grace that's where my

what else is that why is my I don't know if I've lost the key to it this would be awful if I lost the key must be in here let's see if I can get that cupboard open I mean we could make the end of the podcast with me ratting the cupboard for a long time

if you've got any ideas release the carousel corner cupboard Wobby come on in Wobby come here come here good girl drink your food drink your milk you milk me water

I'm not giving you milk you're not a cat always remember to wash your hands and before taking to imagine if I just get it now imagine if I managed to it'll be a lot of stress out the day if I could just get this cupboard open

I'll just let you have a listen to the problem something we might be able to diagnose it the problem now I've tried I've got a tote hanger here because I think I can see the stuff but it's very hard to get in there the

opens just the nearest amount it's more than it was and we've already scuffed the side of this plant I mean if I could do it now the tote hanger is going in if I could just somehow get it onto the candle

put it down I don't think it's strong enough or it's caught on something well you'd have to be a better expert on cupboards than I to get that one done look this isn't carousel cupboard clearing

opening with which you're carrying this is stone cream which I will leave oh I've got a glass of my phone put it down here it's fine 38 minutes ago I hope you enjoyed that thank you enjoy your stone clearing

listen to the photons my friend don't listen to the birds or trees don't listen to your underpants listen to the photons listen to the photons and they in turn shall listen to you my friend my friend friend

see you next time check out Fridays for live stone clearing you could witness my death watch TV, that's R.K. Herring and Holly remember all those ways you can help an old 53 year old man

it's very much goodbye listen to your underpants listen to the photons listen to the photons listen to the photons listen to the photons listen to the photons and they in turn

I'll listen to you my friend my friend my friend friend you have been listening to stone clearing with me

with R.K. Herring and Wolfie the dog plus that stealth stone stars he creeping up behind me I think a trick to don't worry plus Carla the dog walker and that's about it I think my fan friends thank you to Holly and the other person who we emailed in

the music is by my cop grave the voice of the photons is my copper heave don't listen to the birth and truth don't listen to your underpants listen

to the photons listen to the photons listen to the photons and they in turn I'll listen to you

my friend my fine friend