Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 80

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Chapter 80 - Day of the Triffidf. It's 8.13am on 20th October 2020, the 20th month of 2020 (or it feels like that anyway). The conditions are damp but God is peeking down through the clouds from his heaven above. Will the harveft have come? And if not are we in danger from the plants that caused the Black Death? Richard is once again followed by the dogless lady who keeps sneaking up on him (cf the live stone clears on YouTube) and is being asked the sources for his Anglo Faxon wifdom. It's a dull clear, but they can't all be gold.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Wait, wait, wait. Good girl, good girl. Come here. Come back, come back. Come here. Come here out the road. Let's go. Let's go.

Are you crazy? Are you a stupid fool? Well, why can't you drive, Wolfie? Why can't you drive? You can't even drive. Hello, welcome to... Chapter 80. We've left the 70s behind. Apologies for the spelling error. In the last weeks, this thing's calling it 79. 79, of course. But we've left the 70s behind. We're going to have to wait till...

Seventy-fifth. Sorry, eighty-fifth. Before we get another... Then that's a shame. It is. What's the time, Mr. Wolf? Mr. Wolfie. Sorry, Mrs. Wolfie. It's 8.13am. Exactly.

It is the 20th of October. Twenty-twenty. The country's heading towards... Never-dor-second lockdown. Bit by bit. Place by place. The good news is... That will probably mean daily...

Twitched the... Stone clears, won't it? Probably. It's the weather's inclement. Wolfie's weaning in the past. She's so desperate for wee. Going on to her paw. Ah, Wolfie. He's standing in her own wee. I'll just step over it. And will the ocean be clear of...

Beak today? Or is it another... Stone car? It's disappointment, I'm afraid, ladies and gentlemen. The harvest. Harvest is yet to come. But when will we have a harvest for the world? I don't care.

When will we have a harvest on this field is my question. And... The answer is... Not today. Well, not this morning. Maybe later today. Picking up a couple of stones from the past. Put it on there for an omega can. I've no choice. It's impossible to get onto the field.

Come here, wolves. Come here, wolves. Wolfie, come here. Why are you disobeying me so badly today? What is going on with your stupid face? There we go. Look, you're free. I've only got your best interests at heart. My jeans have ridden up.

And they're almost short. I'm able to go into the boot. I've not got a boot to cut. Actually, I don't know if that's what it needs to be, because to go along the outside, is that right? I don't know. I'm just tucking my jeans into my truzas, into my wellies,

before I... Oh, no, it's just uncomfortable. Oh, what a sartorial cat wardrobe disaster this has turned out to be. So here we are, back on the Stocean. There's a huge triphid here. I've taken a photo of that already, luckily, so that could be the picture today.

But my fears of the triphids coming this time have pestled us just as from wind and predicted. Exquisite, which is finger, which is dick there. That can go in the pocket. All those boxes and phone clearing guides have been signed, so they should be with Chris Evans,

not that one today. He should be sending stuff off this week. He may get your... He may get your kickstarter delights before the next podcast, we'll see. He's the child to flick there. Can you put that on the audio? It was a loose stone, just got a knee-flicked it

didn't go as well as the fuse through it. Probably best to throw it in future. I do have a few boxes left over. I only just had enough real official which is finger, which is dicks to fill the order. There was a few that I was not happy with the quality. They will come back onto the field as I believe they're stones,

not which is finger, which is dicks. But I will have a few at eBay for charity, because that's the kind of guy I am. This might be a quick chapter today, as I have to deliver my infant son to nursery through the rain. He's growing one day.

He'll be out here with me. I may be a Skellington, but I'll be here in spirit. That's probably him. Oh, some nice stones coming up from the path. Today, I'm heading to London Town into the virus area. It's a bit like in the triplets when they go in to try and get supplies.

I am doing Rallystrah 300, in which I am the guest. What? And John Robbins is the interviewer. That will be going out as a pay-to-download feature this week. They'll send a link on Twitter as soon as they have them.

I believe it's going to cost £8 to view, but that money will be going to refuge. I hope you will pay to download. There will be an extra bit that won't be in the podcast, but in a couple of weeks it will be released for free as a podcast. If you want to see it first, and if you want to give some money to charity,

if you want to see some extras, then do please pay the £8 for that, if you can't afford to pay £8. That's cool. We'll still show you. We'll still show you the podcast.

We're not monsters. And I think the extra bit will go up for Badger, so if you're a Badger and you're a patient, you needn't pay anything. That might not stop you, you may feel

you want the joy of giving to charity. To celebrate for, I suppose, 300th birthday. I think that's what it is, right, what we gave for 300 years to those days. But enough of that.

That's just my beard podcast that makes people think I'm a regular guy. This is the real deal here. You'll never be charged for stoning, or never think of making you pay for stones or membership cards. That's a cast-iron guarantee.

If you want to go to Twitch and subscribe, with Amazon Prime, you can give me money for free and I'll use that to make more podcasts. Sounds like a win-win. A little Ritchie air herring. A damp out here on the

field today. The path is slippery. It's a little bit wet. There's moisture in the air. It's hardly rain, but it's nearly rain. And this is the point where the last two video stone clears

a lady is crept up behind me out of nowhere and thinks she might think I'm insane. But other than that, no one is aware of what I'm doing out here. I've been kept a perfect secret. Thank you for keeping the secret. I hope you enjoyed Taskmaster.

Few tasks I think benefited from my throwing and gathering skills. Don't miss now if you don't want to know the result of that first episode. I did win by one point thanks to collecting 12 balls versus days making was 8.

Some would say I should have 8.12 points for that. Some should. Some would say I should have 8.12 points for that. I would say that. Donkey's rain in the distance, I think. Proving we're in the countryside. No, our stone starts the out.

Rain often puts them off. That's the time. I think we just got time to go the long way. As long as we don't dawdle. Maybe I should go the short way. I don't. I haven't been across the field for a while

and this is one of the last chances hopefully I've been saying this for months to gather stones from the top soil. Maybe I'll take that chance and go to the stone pole that way. If today's the day

the singing and ringing tree does its stuff, I will be pretty annoyed. But there we go. Getting very close to the second anniversary of the US Winter in podcast. And yet, where's the

special London audience shows for that? I don't know. Because it's a secret. Once the mill's turned on to the stone across from the main can and yes, we're heading across wolves. I've made an exacting decision.

I'm a bit hot in the old North Face jacket today. It looks colder than it is. North Face sometimes is just too warm. Probably not going to have time to exclude him. So,

let's chuck this for you wolves. There you go. Ah, you didn't get it. Not a soul around. I thought that was a stone. I think it was a some mouldy poo. And I very nearly picked it up.

That was lucky. And that was weak. I was trying to throw too big a stone. That slipped out of my grip. Luckily, didn't hit the dog. Just went from the path into the leaves. That's where

that stone chose to go. I can't taste that cow mooing or a donkey bounce going on. I'm incredibly unfit. I don't know how this has happened in the past two or three weeks. I've been being

quite fit. Oh, here comes that lady. She's coming this way. A lady who comes up behind me. She's coming up behind me this time. I've seen that, but that will tell me somewhat in my mission to pick up some big stones here

because she's falling right behind. She may have seen me clearing some stones. Oh, and also, she goes this way. Oh, no, she's going to ruin everything. Turn that right, but then come back. That could be the plan. Just remember

if she hears me. I'm just on the phone. Come on, good girl. Come on, darling. You're my good girl, aren't you? There's another week of hardship out here on the field. For those not prepared to hassle off, it's a difficult

time. I'm passing over a lot of stones now in the path. I'll just kick one, so it's a little bit closer. But it's only a touch closer. We're nearly across. Oh, that was a nice one. So just pretend to be normal.

Pretend to be a normal dog, Wolfie. Good girl. There you go. Right, we're turning right here. That's definitely where we're going. Come on, Wolfie. Come on, good girl. It's up the fuses working. We're heading down.

Look at Mike. We're just regular dog walking people and a dog. But I think she's been tricked. I don't know if she's coming this way. What a disaster. Get off. That's okay.

I'll leave her on for a minute and then I'm just going to let her off. That's weird, because I know she usually goes straight on. She's 100% following me to try and find out what's going on. Well, the victory is mine this time

because I've got to head back up the hill onto the path just so no one else is coming. No, we're fine. Use the old just letting off the lead to see if she'll do a poo.

She's already done a poo. That was a lie. I lied to that lady. I don't want to plan this. She's walking around the field just without a dog. Maybe some kind of exercise, but I think the exercise she is doing

is for the stone starzy and the exercise is catching people who are gathering stones. Well, she failed at least in the short term. I'm picking up two nice stones here, three stones that I've got from the

central path bringing them back and then we're going to head up to the stone pole for you, then we're going home. It's not the most scintillating chapter yet. You'd hope chapter 80 would have a bit more basumpf. Yeah, basumpf. That's the word

I was looking for. But maybe the Trifids will attack and that will be a fitting end. I think I saw which is walking along here. Is that good enough? No, it's only partial.

I can't use that. Right, let's go to the stone poles. We've got five stones ready to go. I've been terrible, terrible. I think there's been only one

recent stone pole where I've got over two. So I'm hoping today will be a little bit better. I have a Trifid-like plant growing here on the edge and I do fear for humanity if you listen to this in the future

and this is the last surviving artifact of 21st century life that we were all doing this. This is just what we were all doing before the end times. It was a human tradition to pick up five stones and throw them at a pole from a distance

of sometimes one and a half meters to see how many we could hit this pole. It's quite a thick pole. If you did shout out for the kickstarter there is a stone pole in the back cover

of the 16 page stone clearing guide. So you can play along at home with this. You just need some stones or any object will do. It's not to scale. My breakfast made me go up there. I hope I didn't come across.

Oh very tired. I woke up at four o'clock this morning. I drank some whiskey playing snooker last night and I regret it. You might hear me saying whiskey is good on other podcasts but don't drink it too late.

If you're 4.53 it will kill you. One solid hit. Number two solid miss. Wolfie's in the way. Number three hits two out of three. Oh that one Wolfie saved it. It was going.

It's three out of five plus one saved by Wolfie. That's a good result. I think that's really nearly three and a half four out of five. I was pretty close to the pole to be fair. So heading home. Not much Anglo-Saxon with them.

Anglo-Saxon with them has come up yet this. You can't force it. I can only quote stuff if it seems relevant to what's going on. There was of course

what many people think is a triphid invasion in the 1300s. Often called the black invasion. Often called the black death now, but sorry

I was interrupted there by a phone call. But we're back on what I was saying. We were talking about the triphids in the 1300s. Black death. Some people say the black death didn't happen in the 1300s

but I don't, you know I'm just going from the stone peering history books. It probably did. The welts that appeared in everyone's bodies were a result of triphid stings and of course things proved

deadly to for many. There's a lesson for us here. Even if that's just seen as a fairytale the black death, the thing that never happened which I think we can safely assume is the face of the scared children like coronavirus.

It's still in parts a valuable message to us all about the nature of life. The impermanence of human flesh the permanence of stone. Even when the universe is destroyed the stones will still be here. Hopefully all in one big clump.

That's my plan. Some bright light shining through the clouds god I used to think that was god looking through the clouds. Of course I'm older now and know that that god does not exist. The stone gods can see through clouds

unlike your rubbish god. We're heading down towards the Brexit ditch. If you're trying to work out where we are it's been a bit of a convoluted journey. I'm very relaxed. My wife's stuck in traffic trying to get

my daughter to school so she's a bit panicked. It'll be fine. That's what I think. You've got to chillax my friends. That's all you have to do. Just chillax. And everything will be everything's going to be alright. I wrote that song. I literally write it but it's very much

I could have done. So nice stones here for the Brexit ditch. I've just found a little clump. One of them looks a bit like a dog's penis. A hefty dog penis though I have to say. I don't know how many looked at them that closely.

I've got a girl dog. My son believes all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. And I think he's wrong. That wouldn't work for some reason. Right! Well coming up to the alphanomy again

for the second time today. Just get a little offering. Oh it's a big offering. I just picked it up with my foot and it's bigger than I expected. Back time for just coming up to the alphanomy again now. Goodbye to the field. Thank you

baby Jesus for protecting me from the photography for day. The alphanomy again. Not really looking much bigger. Right, well something to need. Come on sweetheart. Just time to look at a couple of emails. A

tile hut. Tile hut. Sounds like a shop selling tile. Maybe a nickname. You must get that all the time. Sorry about that.

Says that you quote a lot of medieval texts. Can you give me the sources for these and which books are you quoting? I would like to read them for myself. Thanks tile. Well, I mean too many books to mention.

Also many of these books are in a secret part of the library that only people with the right membership card can access. A couple of the books of my own copies. Absolutely deadly secret.

Handed down from stone clear to stone clear. And the pain of not being allowed to be shown to anyone else under pain of death. And I do have to abide by that. I can't give you. But you know if you just write down all the things I'm saying eventually you will have all the sources for your

own. You will notice I never quote the same thing twice. That is so that I can give you as much information possible. I don't know what's going on here. On the high street it's very busy. Ridiculously busy.

What's happened? It's crazy out here. What's happening? My wife is stuck in there somewhere. I'm struggling to get through. Let's cross over. Thanks for your emails. We're in

terrible trouble here. Good girls. Good girls. Come on sweetie. Here we come darling. Come on darling. We'll be inside. Come on darling.

Thanks for the email. Again this is an international podcast that's probably someone abroad and I wouldn't be I would just like to apologize again for making that joke about just in case that was racially

sensitive. You can't say anything anymore can you? That's a good thing. It's a good thing you can't say anything. That's all the things I want to say are awful. You're right Smibs. Are you a girl or a boy Smibs? You're a boy aren't you?

Not according to my son. You may know more than any of us. So just giving the dogs some food. Oh. Giving some water. This is what you're hearing now. There we go darling. Good girl.

And I think like that I will bid you adieu my fan friends. Alright take care. We'll be back next week. Don't miss the first one don't you? Bye take care bye. Don't clear up on the Richard Herring

star to me Richard Herring I'm walking the dog plus that woman who followed me went right when she used to go straight on something weird going on there she doesn't even have a dog. Stay with me. I'm walking the dog. I'm walking the dog.

I'm walking the dog. I'm walking the dog. I'm walking the dog. I'm walking the dog. I'm walking the dog. There's this old lady going on there she doesn't even have a dog. Stone Starzy. I reckon.

The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the fratern's is Mike Orphahene. to your underhand. Listen to the throes, listen to the throes, and they in turn fall liven to ye, my friend, my fine friend.

To your underhand.