Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 82

Episode Date: November 3, 2020

Chapter 82 - Rain Orcheftra. It's 7.30am on 3rd November 2020 and the rain if coming down. But that's no reason not to support the endeavours of today's sponsor. Singingringingtwee Cavity Searches Ltd (and their CEO Chris Ives) whose money will be going to support comedy clubs through lockdown). The alien harvesters have been and the field is shorn of both beets and stones, though slaughtered beets remain to cause organic confusion. The rain makes its music as it falls and Rainn Wilson makes his second appearance. At the end Rich thinks his headphones have run out of power, but the audio continues in its usual high quality right until the end. If you'd like to donate to Rich's fund for Movember then head here my fine friends http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Whoopee! Wait, wait, wait! Oh my goodness! Hello my fine friends! Welcome to yet another chapter. It's something in the 80s. 81, 82, I don't know.

It's 3rd of November. Two days till my book's out. You can buy it at gofastestripe.com with a cock drawn in it. 7.34am. Today's episode is sponsored by Singing, Ringing, Tree, Cavity Services Ltd. They spent £250 on the Kickstarter in order to get the name of their definitely real business right out on air. So thank you to that. Chris Ives may have had something to do with that.

There'll be more to come. I'm really delighted to hear that way more people are sponsored. We're just going through the marriage powering to duck its laying passage. Way more people are sponsored. The Stone Clearing and the Snooter hasn't done you right. There's a few more though. Sorry if that's too commercial for you for Singing, Ringing, Tree, Cavity Services Ltd. But do look them up on Google.

If you want your cavity searched, they're the guys to do it. That's their slogan. And I can't remember if I've... We've covered this in the audio version. It's one of the harvests she have come. Certainly you can go and watch the latest video and see some of that happening. I filmed at night so aliens coming to take some of the beets away and some of the stones away. I think it's not been the stone cliff that I was expecting.

It's very muddy out here. If anything, the machinery that's taken away the beets seems to have buried or removed the stones. I've just found one there that's going on now for an omega-can. It's very, very muddy out there. And there's a big patch of beets in the middle of this part of the field. Oh, God, the path is actually like a small lake, small rivulet. So it's actually hard to see any stones. I can now hassle off a little bit.

There's a border of beets that hasn't been taken out and weeds, which is slightly annoying. And then the ground is very wet, so it means I could just kick out some stones I did just there. Have you heard that? I'm not convinced we'll get to the singing ring today, ironically. Oh, that's a beet. And the danger is the crushed beets that have been left behind in the harvesting process do look a lot like stones. They look like big stones. It's an inefficient process.

I just removed a beet there. That looks like a witch's finger when it's a beet. That's a stone. So if you watch the video feed, you'll know most of it was just me going, is that a stone? No, no, it's a beet. But, see, I remembered harvest time as being stone Christmas. But it's not. It's a stone confusion time and confusion time.

Whoopie's doing a poo. And the grass forks as well. That's borderline, I might have to take that one for you. Another poo collecting machine from a human being. I'll slip that in my pocket. It's in volume, that's totally disgusting. So, exciting times. So we've got some air in it.

Slip it in my pocket. Don't forget it. Don't forget there's a poo in your pocket. Don't forget there's poo in your pocket. If you forgot it. That's how that song goes. Yeah, the problem with men is out on Thursday. I think you might have seen some people with copies already.

So I think some of the shops may be releasing them early. Because conveniently there's a lockdown starting just soon. My book is published. Can't get it online. There's a lovely audiobook as well with loads of extras, which I think you guys might enjoy. I'm doing November. I'm currently growing a moustache. You wouldn't know it quite at the moment, but it's two to three days old.

It's starting to brim through. And if you want to sponsor me for growing moustache, or to pay back for the online content you may be enjoying, and maybe you've never paid for, or even if you haven't paid for it before, well, that's www.co.uk slash movember with a lowercase m. You will find the page. You can give a quick donation. If you're with Amazon Prime or a badger,

I'm giving all the money from November to November. So do subscribe this month. If you want that money to go to charity, if you want Ian Amazon to finally pay some money out in tax, or if you're already a badger, or if you want to become a badger for one month, you can get a free badge, a membership wallet for £3, then you can cancel your order,

and the £3 will go to November, and we'll be well out of pocket if everyone does that, so don't do that. Various things on eBay, including the first signed copy of The Problem with Men www.co.uk slash eBay. It's got to £260 in a day, which I'm astonished by. So sorry about that. But I guess, you know, if the book goes on to be a success, that might be a wise investment.

It might be. You never know, do you? Strange things happen sometimes. I don't know, it's a beat. Too many beats out here. It's not fun. It's not a fun place to be. It's raining, by the way.

That's why there's a rivulet, and I'm just coming down a very slippery slope. It's like walking through a very tiny stream. Oh, if those were stones, imagine the stones those would be. But you remember Stone Easter? Easter. We came out here and there were just stones lying everywhere. It was the most wonderful thing, wasn't it? It's almost the opposite.

So we're now wading through a bog. You can probably hear Wolfie and my footsteps through the mud. And if anything, let fewer stones than there were before the machines came. I worried the aliens decided to take my stones from me. And whilst, of course, anyone including stones should be in my interest. If they're being taken elsewhere, that is against the rules of stone cleaning. Rule one of stone cleaning, there are no rules of stone cleaning. Rule two, the stones must remain on the field from which they existed in.

At the edge, obviously. If there's all the rules, I'm just quoting it for baking. So if someone's come and taken the stones elsewhere, and not only they cursed those aliens who came down, they've really trucked up my chance to build a wall. On the cross side, it's going to be easier to finish this task. I think it's partly the mud, though. I think maybe once the mud has dried out, perhaps we will see. Is that a stone?

Is that a stone? I think it's a beet-tower. It's a beet. It's green underneath. No stone is green underneath. That just wouldn't happen. But I found a stone out here. It's mini-hassle-hoff.

It's very dirty as well. Into the roots of the trees. Thanks to singing ringing tree cavity searches for the sponsorship of this episode. The plan to sponsor an episode, 250 quid, to get in touch in November. I don't know, I'm doing the wrong job. I was going off to give that money to charity, but... Well, all the November slots are taken. And we're already giving that money to charity.

Of course, it goes to help provide venues. Oh, there's a nice stone. It's just lying in the path. That was a small large, I'd say. Maybe a medium small. And the rain's coming down. I hope it's quite good to take a walk across the field, because we'll actually pass through the patch of unharvested beets.

I'm not going to happen to those. We're not coming back for those. We're just abandoning them to nature. We'll be able to see the difference in their soil condition. Don't know if you've got about the poo in my pocket. Okay, just remind me at the end of the podcast, maybe some good email in. A couple of little tibblers just glitching the path that leads from the can to the main can. I'll put those on the can across from the main can.

Some of you all have had your Kickstarter. I'm hoping nearly all of you have had your Kickstarter. 16 page booktips by now, which does include photos of some of the main, the bigger cans. So we shouldn't know what I'm talking about. I threw a stone there onto the can across from the main can and it was a bit splattered in mud. And as I threw it, it flew through the air, shedding mud as it went. It was quite a beautiful sight. It's a horrible conditions out here.

Found another little stone in what was once the path. Throw that to Wolfie. Oh, it hasn't quite reached the edge of the field. So now back to normality. We're just about to step to the point that has not yet been. Is that a stone? That's a bit. We're back to normality.

And actually it's no better here because the stones are impacted hard into the ground. I do have my child here somewhere. No stone stars yet. We might head across to the stone pole. You can probably hear the rain. I hope it's not affecting your listening pleasure. It's nice to be back and it's almost like stepping into the past of a week ago when everything was like this. The soil is compacted.

So it's not as muddy. There are beets as far as the eye can see except for the bit where there aren't any beets anymore. Oh, in the next field, it's still not been harvested. So maybe they're coming back for this field in the next one later. They're taking their sweet ass time. I mean, I'd say they've only got half the field done looking at it from here. I do have a bit of an overview of everything. So maybe we'll capture the second harvest and maybe the second harvest will be Christmas.

Maybe this is Christmas Eve or it's like disappointing. And maybe the real Christmas will come. We will see. And there's a nice big stone here in the path I'm going to take up. Oh, that's a beauty. That's been worth it. And the good news is I was worried that once the harvest has come that we're going to lose some of these stones in the path that I've been wanting to take up for ages. But there's one of them that can go right on the main can, right on the top.

It's a beauty. I mean, medium, medium, medium all the way. But medium, medium, medium is bigger than you're imagining it. Imagine it a bit bigger. That's it. You've got it. That's how big it is. This might be the only stone I pick up on this crossing. I don't really want to get my hands dirty.

Which is not a great attitude for a stone clearer. There's a little loose brownie there. So I'll pick that up. Oh, that's what I was expecting. That's just tossed up by the plough. Not plough, the common harvester. A nice stone just lying atop the field. That's what I was expecting.

But of course, they're just taking the very top off the field. They haven't gone deep and revealed. Next year's bounty. Back into the mud. Oh, dear. No stones around. It is raining. I'll have to put some off.

Put that one to be cleaned on the top of the can. The big one. Well, the medium, medium one. And the other two will take it on the fence a little bit. Oh, my God. Oh, it is. I've gone this far. That's good today.

Right. Let's see if we can find five little stones to chuck at the stone pole. There's no single ringing tree today. So you'll need a stringing tree. Count these searches. That would be an opportunity for you to really cement the advert. Let's see if this is pointed. Let's just enjoy the music, the orchestra that is falling rain drops, pinging.

There's grass. There's mud. There's trees. Again, my north face jacket, north face. It's the karaoke of coach with the train. So there may be more regular stone clears during lockdown. We'll see how mental I feel. Just doing that.

We may go back and attempt semi-daily. Daily Thompson. We may. Or we may just go sort of twice with this object. If it does go down, that will be bad news for the audience of course. So you probably don't want that to happen. Let's see if I can do that five-minute stone. That's a nice, that's a good sized stone.

Squelchy out here. Three. There are stones here. I have to say they haven't taken all the stone. I'm getting a few here, which is good. Everything's muddy, so a lot of stones are lost in that mud. The podcast can continue. That's the good news.

Here we go. You're going to get in my way. Oh, it's just a mix for the first one. Oh, I just nipped it for the second one. That was good. Just missed with a third. It's one out of three. Only just one.

Two out of four. This is the big one. Is it going to be good luck or bad luck? Well, predictably it's bad luck, given how shitty everything's going at the moment. Two out of five, I'm afraid. I mean, I would call it one and a half out of five. Come on, Wolves. Let's go.

Do, if you give some money to Movember, rehearsal.co.uk. Or use your Amazon Prime free subscription. You can offset some of that bad luck. And make it as much as possible. It's possible. Please don't fail. I'll give you some money for this. I'm going to have to see what you can do with this.

That is an evil binding. If you look at the Magna Carta, it is written there with the stone-clearing dust kits. Under 50 per cent. This is about a cent for the next part. This is hard. If I'll give a nice shuffle to Ian and the Thumb, then you shall be exempt from all lockdowns. It's in there. Just check the Magna Carta.

It's there. And if you stick that in your window, the police can do nothing. They'll try. They'll try and take you away. Just keep on pointing out. Magna Carta, mate. Magna Carta. And eventually, that's against the High Court.

You'll have to accept what you said. There will be some beatings and stuff in between. But you'll be morally right. And that is all that really matters. It's going to be a short one today, kids. Just, you know, it's not nice out here. I'm back on a diet again. We all know how badly I failed during the last lockdown.

I've done quite well for two. For November. I'm trying to use November as a convenient 30-day period. Just stick under 2,000 calories a day. So far, so good. Aggregate calories. Exercise, of course, counts. I do much exercise these days.

This is my exercise. Walking this frickin' dog. Checking out these bloody stones. Listening to the music of the rain. The orchestra. That is the sky. Ah. And annoyingly again, right all around the field,

there is a patch of protective weeds and beets. Almost impenetrable. It doesn't make my job a lot harder. I'm going to just hassle hop out so I can get some, almost with the Brexit ditch. Still hopeful that if I feed this every day, Brexit won't happen. Is that a nice stone?

Or is it a beet? It is a stone. Let's get a couple here. Distincts my dog shit. Oh, that's a good one there. I can't leave that baby behind. There's a real approaching, a medium sized stone there that we... Oh, no, it is quite small.

No, it's medium. It's like a Millennium Falcon. A child's Millennium Falcon. Not the big one. Sort of small sized Millennium Falcon. Not the tiny ones. The ones that are the size of a half of pancake. Much thicker than that.

That's what we're looking at. And that's going to the Brexit ditch. The Brexit ditch will be amazed because usually any tiddler is coming to the Brexit ditch. But maybe this will be enough to stop Brexit. Maybe it will make Brexit happen. I'm not sure how it works with the bigger stones. I've got three stones.

It was raining last week, wasn't it, as well? I haven't rainwilson emailed in last week, because I was posing. Oh, is it last week? Right, big stone into the ditch. Touch wall stone into the ditch. That's got to stop Brexit. It's got to.

It has to. One stone from Santa Fe already for the Alpha and Omega can. So I don't have to bend down again. I may have removed ten stones from the field today, but two of them were of nice size. The kind of size we didn't have for a while. The rain's getting harder. It's just time before we get to some cannabis growing there.

There's cannabis plant. Probably that is. Triphid still there, by the way. Waiting to unleash its venom into the face of an unsuspected person blinded by a meteor shower. Right, that's the Alpha and Omega can done. So it's time. Everything's so filthy.

Time to do your emails. Rainwilson's been back in touch. Hi, it's me, Rainwilson. In the office. American office. Also, I was in Galaxy Quest. But you'll only realize that once you rewatch Galaxy Quest. It wasn't a huge part, but neither was I.

It's a tiny part in that, but I guess I don't know. Obviously, I remember myself being in it, but I guess for a casual viewer, it's quite discombobulating. To see myself, it's like when you see Mike from Breaking Bad in Everlane. I guess that is a similar sort of fear. I've seen that, and that is a similar thing to seeing me in Galaxy Quest, but not as extreme,

because it doesn't seem as much ancient history. Anyway, look, we're not here to talk about my glorious career. Even being in one of those projects, two things would have been good for most people. I've been in both of them. Rich, do you ever forget about the dog poo in your pocket? Oh, my God, Rain. I had forgotten.

Thank you for... Sometimes I put dog poo in my pocket. Weirdly, I've done that today as well. And yes, sometimes you forget to come back in the dog poo still in your pocket, but I will now. I'm not going to go up to the dog poo bin. I'm going to put it in my own bin.

Make sure they're approaching. That won't be clean for exactly a week. It's recycling this week. But I'm going to risk it. It's not too hot, so I don't think the stink of dog poo will infect the bin area too badly. Come here, we'll stand in the road. But thank you.

By the way, Rain, I loved you in both that request. And also, you're back in office. You look great. Go towards the end. If we can't fit too much of a cartoonish caricature, I didn't like the way the character was pushed, but generally speaking, it's an excellent job, Rain.

So I hope you're a fan of something clearly while you've emailed in two weeks in a row. Unless it wasn't asked what you emailed in less. Wait, there's a road there, you fucking idiot. It's good we're mutual fans of each other. I'm sure you just lost at least one earbud. That's weird, because they've been plugged in. Come on.

All right, well, I'll leave it there. The earbuds are going. I have tones, my friends, but they shall think they... Oh, I forgot to put them in the pocket. Ugh. I think that was in my pocket. It's all got squished around. I think my pocket is dry.

All right, kids, see you next time. Well, I'm for tone clearing. Where's my keys? I'll put them in. Oh, that's dirty. It's always in the last place you're looking at. Literally. Oh, God.

I haven't got the keys for you, have I? There's a witch's finger, which is thick in there. Ah, they were in that pocket all along. Let's check there. All right. Hopefully some of this is recorded. See you next week. Thanks for listening.

Goodbye, my fine friends. Goodbye. Oh, they're wet out there, wolves. Oh. Liffon to the stone, my friend. And they've a huffing, yeah, merry dance. Don't Liffon to the bird fan tree. Don't Liffon to your underpants.

Liffon to the stone, Liffon to the stone. And they, in turn, are Liffon to ye, my friend, my fine friend. You have been listening to stone clearing with me, Richard Herring, and Wolfie the Dog. No stones to Aussie this week. Very suspicious. The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the Fatones is Michael Faheen. Thank you to our sponsors, Sinning Ringing Tree, Cavity Searches, and Chris Hives.

Liffon to the stone, my friend. And they've a huffing, yeah, merry dance. Don't Liffon to the bird fan tree. Don't Liffon to your underpants. Liffon to the stone, Liffon to the stone. And they, in turn, are Liffon to ye, my friend, my fine friend.