Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 85

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

Chapter 85 - Trampoline Fox. It's 7:40am on 24th November 2020 and the stocean is eerily calm and quiet. Brooding clouds overhead forewarn of something dire to come, but where are the FF? It's a long clear with a couple of technical difficulties, but the Ftone Boxing Day ftones are good and Richard only has to hide in a wood once. To support Movember donate here: http://rhlstp.co.uk/movember Get Richard's ebook for an insulting 99p here: https://amzn.to/3m2anCm

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on, Wolfie Harris, time to go to school. Stone School. It's Stone School. Come here. Oh, we didn't knock the back gate. Come on. Come on, Wolfie. Bad doggy. Come here. Here you go. Come here. Stand there for fuck's sake. What's wrong with you? You've got a way of lead, haven't you? Because that is what we do. All right, off we go. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Good girl. Well, hello there. Welcome to... Nothing wrong with my throat today. Hopefully it's not going to take me down.

Welcome to... Just had to wait. I was passing someone. Welcome to chat. Can't give it away. To chapter 85 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie Good Olds. I think she deserves to be in the title now. It's grey morning. It's... I haven't got my watch on. I think it's about 20 to 8. Here it is. Wolfie. Wolfie. Come here. Stop pulling. It's... what day is it? I don't know. 20... I think it's the 24th, is it? Christ, I can't be right. Oh, it is right. 24th of November.

Oh, those blueberries I ate. They were three days past the start of my day. No wonder they were soft. Let's see how the field is. I've just come up to the station now. Stretching ahead of us. Full of stones. Full of wonder. Full of shit. Right. Come here Wolfie. Come on. Let's get a little offering for the Alphanumbria Cairn before we get started. That's what I'll do. Hopefully we're in a position now where the... where the beets are a bit less obvious and the stones will go on. Nice stone there just in the path.

And there's a scene of us at a desolation out here compared to what we've been used to. Everything's been cut back. The hedgerows cut right back. All of the crop gone now. We can get on with a serious job. Clearing stones. Still some beets but they're a bit more obvious now as they rot. Just cleared a little stone there. We'll be doing a big poo I think. Might as well pick that one up Wolfs. That's got to go in my pocket again, isn't it?

I mean that was pretty fastidious of me to pick that one. That one's pretty much in the verge but... I'm going to be safe and sorry to compare in here. To get it in my pocket. Let's see what I can do. There we go, that's the poo pocket. I remembered the last two times to put it in bin. It's bin day today that I can go straight in my bin. I'll remember. You don't need to remind me. Kicking another stone off. There was a beet right next to it but I could tell the difference.

So 85 chapters. Hopefully by chapter 100. We will be close to the end of the COVID emergency by the looks of it. If we survive that long, don't be one of the people who gets taken down on the last day of World War One. Be one of the people who survives the war. Goes on to tell your grandchildren. Taking a little hassle off. But as we come out, some of the tastier looking stones are in fact beet roots. Beets of some kind. But picked up a nice medium small there. Hopefully I was picked back up and taken it back onto the field.

And drops it further away. To be fair, I haven't completely cleaned the field when I threw it. Wolfie drop it. Wolfie, come here. Wolfie has inadvertently led me to another stone. Dark brown. In a clump of mud but it's beautiful. She can't carry both. Come on drop that sweetie. Do that to me. Do that to me. The stones come off the field baby. There you go.

And this time it's cleared the field and I don't think she's bringing that one back. No, I'm wrong she is. She's got it again. I have long suspected she's working for the stone starzy. And look at me. I'm good. Seven, eight feet out in the ocean now. It's a long time since we've done this. No stone starzy around. That's a beauty. Dark as earth. She's dropped that other stone somewhere out on the field. It is much further out then.

Is that it? That could be it. Well, that's not it. That's another one. But again she's chasing it. I'm picking that one up. I may have to give up. I'm getting that one off. Here's another two. There's some nice stuff out here. Really nice stuff.

Look at that. Again, I'd say medium small but possibly medium large. I mean medium, medium. Both those. That's a beat. We're getting some good stuff. Stone Christmas was not as good as anticipated, but Stone Boxing Day is when all the scraps come out. So just in case you enjoy reading,

as well as listening to a man close, those I should mention that the problem with men, my e-book is currently just 99p as an e-book kindle. I think it's also on Apple Books. Where else is it? Oh, that's a nice one. That's a stone. That's the biggest of the day. Look at that. That's so big. I thought it was a beat, but it's not.

It's as hard as stone because it is a stone. Oh, did you hear that? You hear that thump against the fence? That was the sound of a big, big stone, my friend. So do get that before 30th of November. It will be going up in price from the end of the month. It's just good to sell as many copies as possible early on, I believe.

So don't feel too bad about stealing from me. We've sold quite a few at £1. So that's not too shabby. And if you do feel bad about getting a brilliant book for so cheap, then of course you can just buy hard copies for all your friends. The audiobook is highly recommended by me. I think it's very good, and I don't usually say that about myself. Also has a fantastic interview with Deborah Francis White.

But you can also give some money to November if you want to make up the difference. Put them over your fiver. More if you want. Less if you want. Rehalestoper.co.uk slash November with a lowercase m. We'll take them to my page. Not quite hit the heights of the Refuge collection.

I mean, not the Refuge. That sounds like I'm talking about the bins. I mean, from the collection for Refuge. Put a few hundred quid in there already, so that's nice. And, yeah. Also, if you subscribe to Badges or to the Twitch channel, then you are already given some money because we'll be giving all of the November subs in November as well.

Right, we're in the corner of the field. It's really churned up by chapter ties here. Quite hard to walk. Pretty hard to get out into the field. Proper trench-like situation out here. That way through, if we're through. And I think I've got time to do the longer walk today. I did the early shift with the kids, so my wife had the lion

and now gets to get them ready for school. No stones to see here. Just leaves and mud, broken bits of crop. Maybe I've done my job. Maybe the field is clear. We can but dream, we can but dream. I know there's a stone. I was laden there, he was actually now taking a walk out.

I felt like a bit of a fool, thinking it was over. I think that's a bit of rotten beetroot. Oh, and that wolfie just almost skimmed off his nose. Be careful, I'm not going to hear a dog in this distance. I'm just going to, as a precaution, let this dog go on a lead again. And then come back to the grater. I see some more stones, that's a nice one.

We are getting to some nice sized stones again. That's a rotten beetroot. That's a non-rotten beetroot. Weirdly, the rotten beet turned the colour of a dark grey stone. There's other rotten ones that look like brown stones. They're nature's deceivers. That's where nature joins forces with the stone starsy. I'll try to prevent me doing my job.

Right, it's looking quite dark grey over in the distance where I'm heading. There's a silence that is quite ominous. And the feeling of dread hangs over the stotion. Absolutely not another soul in sight so far today. I have found a stone for the stone, the can opposite the main can, which we can finally see, thanks to the grasping cutback.

I may have put you on the lead unnecessarily. Nice flat, tiny stone there, that can still come off. Oh, a couple of nice ones here. It is interesting just to be a few feet out and see how much work there is to be done. That one is a beet. I'll chuck it off just to get out of the way. Very reminiscent of the film 1917.

A big puddle of water. Just to my right. Looks very much like what it was like during the sun. Quite sharp looking bit of flint there, let's get that off of. Into the holly, Christmas is coming. And then I am still, I'll let you off the lead, that's what you think. It's quiet, maybe just a little bit too quiet.

I hope lockdown 2 hasn't been too arduous for you. It's weirdly not felt like lockdown to me, partly because the kids are still at school. I've had a couple of jobs in town. So I don't go out that much anymore anyway. So today I'm heading into TV Centre for another TV job. I mean, it's just, it's turning crazy, isn't it? All you have to do in this business is work hard for 30 years.

Then finally you'll get a few jobs for a couple of months and then active security. Of course coming up in the future weeks, if you do like watching The Old Idiot's Lantern, is the remaining, is it four episodes of Taskmaster? I think it is four to go. Got some catching up to do. The tipping point, one hour footage last year, is going to be shown.

I was told on November the 29th, but maybe December. And the chase is Unboxing Day, very exciting episode of the chase, that's all I would tell you. And they're always quite exciting due to their impossible nature of beating those good quizzes. Only a genius could do that. Let's see if Lil Richie Herring is a genius. Is that a beat or a stone?

Oh my God, it's a beat, is it? Or is it a stone? It's a beat, too light. Or is it a stone? I still can't tell, I'm going to chuck it off anyway. If it was a stone, it was huge. Is that a beat or a stone? I mean, maybe that's definitely a beat.

Maybe the answer is just to clear the beat. So they don't confuse me. So it's a little damp today, but I'm not getting big clods of mud on me, just slight dirt on my fingers. Let's get to the singing reentry with something substantial. That is definitely a stone. Those stones are beats, I think those are beats.

Just did a guff. I hope that didn't make it onto the recording. That would be embarrassing. All right, singing reentry time. Well, that's gone right into the heart. Nothing's happened. I'm lucky. Yeah, what's going on?

Where is everyone? That looks like a good bit of Roman villa. Like a huge chunk of Roman villa. Let's put that near the singing reentry. I'm wearing trampolining socks today. I just didn't want to ruin a nice pair of socks out in the field. Didn't find any jogging ones. So they're slightly riding down my heels.

They're a little exposed. Don't wear trampolining socks. That is actually... There are no rules to stone clearing. That is the first rule of stone clearing. Second rule of stone clearing. Don't wear trampolining socks. Of course, in medieval times it was a trampolining fox.

They were talking about that. It's one of those rules that has passed down and survived translation to have a double meaning. If you wore a trampolining fox in the 1300s on your feet, you would bounce into the middle of the field and be unable to clear stones. If you wear trampolining socks, as we call them, they ride down and create difficult conditions for your feet.

Makes mental note to call this episode trampolining fox. No rules. But you must obey the rules. That's the third rule. A couple of little tiddlers off the field there. And I'm gratified that it's slightly more difficult than it was two years ago to find stones, especially on this part of the field.

There was a lot of stones when I started. We'll be working for the stone scars. One of my right hand trampolining socks is now rolled right down. My heel is exposed. I think the left is also the case. They've just become toe socks. That's okay. Don't get distracted.

Don't get distracted. That's what the socks want you to do to get distracted away from the stones. Concentrate on the photons, my friend, for they bow thingy for merry dance. There is an episode of Pointless Celebrities somewhere in the can. There's a lot ready to be released.

I had no word about when that's coming out. But you never do. You don't find out until very close to broadcast. Me and left Dennis. Let's see how we can cope. It'd be lovely if that came out in December as well. Just so the Christmas market was saturated with herring as it is in Scandinavia, of course.

Not the fish, me. They love me in Scandinavia. I'm sure most of you are listening in Scandinavia. You can always call it Christmas herring. Christmas herring. That's what they call me out there. That was a good spot there. They're very flat, very dark mud-brown stone.

It's small, but it's off. Like me, small and just a little bit off. On with trudge. Through the sludge. The stone clearer of Barnaby Rudge. He loves the mud. He's in his blood. But stones.

That is what he loves. That's a bit of a be-truth. You can tell the difference is much lighter. So absolutely no-one around. This is weird. Maybe it's the stone stars of the annual convention today. I mean, on the short walk you sometimes expect to get away without being discovered for the long walk.

Without even seeing a soul, just hearing a dog in the distance. That is freaky, my friends. I'm freaked out. Right, we're in the top corner of the field. The field I'm not allowed in. There's a swathe of green across it. I don't know if that is already the crop for next year. That's just weeds that have grown.

They've grown quite uniform, if that's the case. That looks like a dirty stone. Is it a stone? No, it's a be-truth. It's a be-truth. It's off the field now. Never to fool me again. But there's a stone to join it.

That's at least something. It's a bit wetter up here. And again, big tire tracks and trenches created in the glome. Is that a stone? Yeah, that might be a stone. And this part of the field, once so rich with stones, they've now been tossed and turned and buried.

We'll find some, don't worry. But, oh yeah, there's one. It's not quite the stone-clearest playground it once was. And couldn't tell till after it, but that was a be-truth. It's almost getting harder to distinguish as the time goes on. That's it. Well, that's done. That's off.

That's off. We should be using this opportunity of un-observed stones. I get a lot of these babies off. I really had a good hack at the trees even back here. This machinery looks like some kind of monster's been through here hacking the field apart. And it's the monster, the greatest monster of all the monster I call a farmer.

Absolutely no one to watch any of this unless they're observing me from a secret hideout. Is that their new tactic? If so, I'm giving them plenty to look at. I think some of them may be wanking as they see my fine stone-clear. They know it's wrong what I'm doing. To them, you know it's right. And some stone-clear is, some stone-star is no stone-clear old master.

He's on his own stones, not until the end of a clearing session at least. They are still littered with errant beetroots. Not beetroots, but beet, so I keep calling them beetroots. They're very similar. Similar to the unpleasant. That's a stone, right? That's a stone. Let's carry that one right to the centre.

It's just a medium small, maybe a small large. Nothing around. It's the area out here. It feels like some forces come down and white out all humanity and dog life apart from me We survive as a plaything for the stone gods. Nothing, not even in the distance. Not a moorlock, not a child and a horse, no Judy Murray. John Lennon isn't here.

There's Little Richie and Little Wolfie carrying on. Maybe we've travelled far into the future where humanity has finally died out. Maybe that's why Duckett's passage took us today. If so, I don't mind. It's a wonderful place here without the humans to spoil it. And I wonder, would the planet Earth benefit from the extinction of the human race apart from me and Wolfie? Wolfie's not a technically human. Imagine how many stones I could clear.

How many podcasts I could make if it was just me. I'd need Orange Mark to put him up. Me, Orange Mark, Wolfie. Perhaps some kind of shopkeepers. Just so that I could carry on eating. I'm not sure I could live off the land. Their families, just to keep them happy. Yeah, you can see how it starts.

You think I'll just have a couple of people. That's what God probably thought initially. Suddenly you've got six billion again. Just to keep one man clearing stones for the glory of the stone gods. One man and his dog, Wolf, went to take stones out of the meadow. I've got three stones that I've picked up on my journey. They veer from small, medium, all the way up to small, medium, large, I would say. I'm realistically fading these.

I'm picking up another one that's just lying atop the field. It's saying to me, it's my time, it's my time. I'm not a beat. I am a stone. And I say, yes, I know. I can tell the difference most of the seven times out of ten. And it says, good, I'm glad you can. You should be able to tell the difference between stones now.

And I've always been doing this for a long time. And I say, shut up. That's a bit cheeky. I'm getting you off the field. And it says, are you getting me off the field or are you putting me in the middle of the field by a telegraph pole? And I say, it's the same thing. And it says, I'm not sure. I'm just not sure it is the same.

And I say, well, it's better, actually. It's the best can. I have all the cans in London Town. It's the best. So I'm going after you. And I say, yes, I was using particulate license. And it says, are we there yet? I'm getting bored of this conversation, even though I've been lying on a field for hundreds of years, thousands of years.

Oh, it has a nice little brick, brown brick. Not literal brick, just all the natures. So five stones, a stone clear as a dozen. And it's a very clean can out here. I'm just throwing a few dirty stones onto the top. But believe me, they will soon have their sins purged to them and be clean, as God intended. And then buried, as God intended, and then a huge monument visible from space, as God intended. Toss a couple of other stones from nearby.

That one's fallen through the branches of the shrub. Oh, that's a nice one. Let's get that one off course. Well, it's lovely to have unimpeded. Oh, no, my headphones are dying. I thought I'd charge these. I hope I can get through to the end of the stone clear. If not, I will.

I've got another pair of headphones in my pocket. I think maybe we should switch over. Okay, we're back. Back to the new headphones, just in case. Luckily, I had both pairs of my headphones in my pocket. Today, that's the very rare thing. That's a beat. You can chase that wall since much earlier.

That's a stone, though. I think we're too far from the can. I'll throw it. See how I go. Oh, no, I got it on. Brilliant. I want to throw. So, yeah, the ear we're feeling is continuing.

It feels like I've got four ears. That's how eerie it is out here. As I trudge through the soil, really, because the path has not yet been reestablished down to the Dominic Cummings can, may he rest in peace. And, yeah, by the way, I hope you appreciate the power of the ditch of the bitch, the ditch that stopped Brexit, the ditch that got Dominic Cummings sacked.

I know a lot of you poo-poo, the powers of the ditch, but is Dominic Cummings still in a job? No, he has not. My fine friends, he's gone. He's had the window defenestrated. He's stupid. Me can't head no longer in government. And that is the power of the ditch.

Let's see what happens with Brexit, shall we? I've been putting stones in that ditch every fucking day, and if Brexit still happens after all that, I will be pretty annoyed. But do not question the ditch. It may allow Brexit to happen just to show us why Brexit must not happen. And that is one of its many powers. It teaches us lessons.

Lessons are taught. It teaches us, but it makes our dreams come true. And in the end, it does the right thing. The right thing will happen. Coming up, of course, to the stone pole as well. I'm going to put a couple of bigger stones on the Dominic Cummings can. It never grows, but it remembers him. The original Dominic Cummings.

Not the fake one who came after. The good Dominic Cummings. He had so much hope. And I've just managed to pick up a quintuplet of stones there, even though I'm some way from the Dominic Cummings can. We're ready for the stone pole, just in case suddenly the stones start to Aussie or jump at me out of the woods. It's possible.

It's more than possible. It's likely, highly likely. Oh, and I was just about to mention her, and here she is. And that's how I can draw. I can actually, you know, that's bad news. Because she's coming at quite a pace. You know what I'm talking about. It's the mobility scooter lady.

The embulfing might have to go into the woods so we can get a good stone pole in the Cummings. I was literally just about to mention her. And zoomed around the corner. 50 miles an hour, the lady on the mobility scooter, of course. We're heading down here, Wolfs. I've got my ammo. Wolfie, come on.

Come here, good girl. Let's get you on the lead so you don't get tangled up with the head of the stones, Darcy. Of course they couldn't leave me alone the whole day. Let's definitely do this with stones in your hand. Come here, Wolfs. We're just going to head down here. Just going to hide out. So we can have a proper go at the stone pole.

This might ruin all my times for the kids today. But some things are more important. So here we are hiding in the woods. I mean, she might have gone past while we were digging around. I should just understand the pole. This is taking too long. Can you hear the plane through the distance? Oh, I missed her.

She was coming at such a lick. I'm going to come out and then she's going to bump into I. All right, we're going to come out because it's taking too long. Something's up. Maybe she's stopped for a chat. I'm walking right into her trap, Wolfs. It'd be a shame to give up on the stone pole, wouldn't it, today, for all days. Wolfie, come here.

There she is. Nearly got me. There she goes. We tricked her, Wolfs. We tricked her there to come on. She's pausing a little by the stone pole, but she knows she can't wait forever. The dog senses something is looking in the wrong direction.

Wow, this is exciting. This is more exciting in video than audio, I have to say. Because Wolfs may have been hiding and being quiet, but I tell you, Wolfs, your dog really smells. All right, the dog is gone. Man, this isn't free. We're free to do the stone pole. It's worked out brilliantly. No one tell you I'm not genius because I am a genius.

Oh, it's... A little bit runny nose today. All right, five stones in my hand makes this hard. Wolf is on the lead, though. One out of one. I think I just got it. I have to look the shade off. I'm not sure.

Oh, that one's definitely a miss. It's definitely a miss, so it's one or two out of four. Oh, it's a bad day anyway. Missed everything, apart from the first one, possibly the second one, but one and a half out of five is not going to make for a good day. But if you buy the problem in men for 99p, your bad luck will be assuaged.

Everything will be fine. Oh, well, this walker's tucking me out, whilst I was thinking again for a run after this. You'll see, we will see. I've given up drinking in November. It's worked out quite well. Been looking after myself a little bit, doing a bit more exercise. Lost about two or three kilos.

I haven't given like 100% tabs on it, but I don't know what my weight at the start of the month was. Certainly lost two kilos since the first week. And feeling quite good. I'd like to lose another couple. Doing some filming in December, some acting work. And oh, what's going on? And I'd like to fit into my nice suit,

which I'm more left-handed, but it'd be nice to make it comfortable. Sorry about the sniffing. So the members of the scooter will probably get the bottom of the field and turn around again, as they want. So we may have to do some appointments. No, it's good that they've just sent their big guns after me. I admire them for that.

They've just said let's send one. The best one. We'll get him. Here she comes. She's coming back indeed, which means I can't clear any stones on this down with trajectory. But so we'll give her some distance. There, I clear just one.

Can't look like she's facing the other direction. I'll clear one, just there. Sometimes things happen to the mobility scooter. She's facing this way, definitely. Give me a chance to surveil, at least I know there's a nice stone for the future. Just you have to remember there's another one, probably that's a stone. We haven't found any giants since the crops were taken down. It's always nice to find a huge stone, of course.

But it's also nice to find some more ones. Funny. Good girl, Wolfs. Good girl. We lost contact there for a sec. But the... Oh, she's got wing varies. I could have been caught there. I did a cheeky throw just after she passed.

She may have been looking back to see what I was up to. Having some tech difficulties with the phone, so I hope we're getting all this. I would hate to think you're missing out. Let's get some Brexit ditch material. Dominic Cummings is gone. Will these three stones be enough to stop Brexit and save us from ourselves? Only G for snows. Only G for cantaloupe.

More snapped twigs, snapped like twigs by the machinery going past. The thick branches gone. And here's the Brexit ditch. It's actually almost visible. I can see the stones building up here. You can hear them. That is looking great. So it just remains for me to feed the alphanomagic ant one last time. Just that one stone, Starzy.

What a world. And a nice caramel brown stone. That's not even a stone in that other one. The caramel brown stone is a stone, don't worry. I just thought I'd put two on. There's another caramel brown one. Let's go for caramels. Looks good enough to eat, actually, both of these. And listen to the photons, my friend, for they shall think ye marry dance.

We're heading into Duckett's Passage. Time to look at your emails, since I've got these alphanomagic stones sorted out. I haven't forgotten about the dog poo, don't worry. Don't need to email me. Not a lot of you get very concerned. Thank you, Alphanomagic gods, for your patronage today. Another successful stone clear.

Let's have a look. What have we got? Weedy gate. I don't know if that's some kind of scandal involving someone who's a bit weedy. Just a little joke, weedy gate, you probably get that all the time. Weedy gate is within touch. If you're a man or a woman, you can identify however you want. That's my feeling. I'm cool, I'm down the back.

It's quite hard to read their writing on this email. Time to look at it. I've noticed for the few weeks you've had poo in your pocket. Is the poo distraction from stone clearing, or does it sort of help you? Like smelling salts. So you think that maybe if I'm drifting off the stench of my dog's intestines it can sort of smack me back to reality.

It is very tiring stone clearing. It's a difficult job. I still want to say on it, I'm quite tired today. I'm quite tired this weekend. I've not been 100% well. It's not corona, don't worry. You're right, weedy gate, sometimes a little whiff of... It's the 21st century sort of smelling salts.

In fact, if you've got a pocket full of dog poo and you see someone faint, just stick it in their face. They'll thank you later. They'll be confused. Say, don't worry, I'm doing it for your own good. Open it up a bit so they get the full width. Here it's my dog poo going into the... Oh, I didn't shut the door open.

Turn into the bin here. I've got some rubbish here on the floor. I'll just put that in as well because I'm a good citizen. And we're back home. Come on, Wolf. I've got my trampoline socks riding down. And there's my T-end. I can feel it, the double pocket back here.

I can feel it, but I can't get my fingers on it. Ah, it's taking ages. Yes. Ooh, I think we're too late for the kids. I think the kids are done. That's distraction. Come on, Wolfs. It's been a long, old haul.

Well, good for me. I get a bit of time to myself. I'll just take a photo of my trampoline in the box to show you what state we ended the journey in. And that'll do us. I think thank you very much for watching and listening, mainly listening. If you're watching the sound thing going as well,

thanks for doing that. Hopefully this will all put together as a reasonable piece. We shall see you, my fine friends. Alright, cheers, guys. Bye. Enjoy your photon clearing. Listen to the stone, my friend. And they've a helping year merry dance.

Don't listen to the birds and trees. Don't listen to your underpants. Listen to the stone. Listen to the stone. And they in turn, I'll listen to you, my friend, my fine friend. You have been listening to stone clearing with me, Rich Herring and Wolfie the dog,

also featuring the lady in the mobility scooter. The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the photons is Mike Coffaheen. Listen to the stone, my friend. And they've a helping year merry dance. Don't listen to the birds and trees. Don't listen to your underpants. Listen to the stone.

Listen to the stone. And they in turn, I'll listen to you, my friend, my fine friend. Thanks for watching.