Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 87

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Chapter Eighty-feven - The Fomme. It's 7.45am on the 15th December 2020 and today's stone clear is in memory of Patrick Hill's dog Dizzy. Richard is forced to think of a time where he (or Wolfie) might traverse this field without their best friend. If his failing fitness is anything to go by then Wolfie should outlive him. There are still camouflaged beets and the mud is as bad as ever, but the hope of new stones growing through the mud like hammy poppies keeps the spirits up. There's the biggest stone for a while and one that looks like an egg, but the Stone Stasi are quiet. Maybe a bit too quiet. But Rich says hello to a lady in a dressing gown, so there's some human interaction.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Oh la la hello my fine friends it's the 15th of December it's 745 a.m. It's Stone Clearing chapter 87 Not gonna quite get to 90 by the end of the year I don't think we'll see Sorry that didn't turn up last week Getting a bit of a busy time And I know the stones are the most important thing Don't think I don't know that I do know that this episode is sponsored

It's the last of the Kickstarter sponsored episodes It's sponsored by Patrick Hill The memory of his dog Dizzy who never cleared any stones that had a rock for a brain Well I can see Wolfie's bowing her head to a fallen comrade Alas it comes to us all We always remember those dogs For the pleasure they gave us In their short short lives

But to be fair I think Wolfie might have lived me so that's alright for me Just passing through Duckett's passage now On the way up to the Potion Let's see What we foul-fee What we foul-fee Just gonna check I am recording Hello

Good Well It's been pretty exhausted of late Doing lots of work I mean if you can call what I do work And Yeah going in the candles at both ends And not having any fun

All doing stupid puppet shows Looking after my stupid children What has become of me I used to be cool when I didn't So I'm cleaning a little stone for that from the mud Thick mud again Throw it from a distance onto the Alpanova can It's pretty grotesque out here once again

Sun Still Below the horizon but That's enough light Permitting through to Ridicise of the darkness at 15 minutes ago Would have hampered our journey Oh I can't believe that's a bit of beach still

Thought I'd found a stone it was a bit of beach How long will that carry on And I'm looking out and I'm seeing some good chunks out there in the station But I'm not gonna be hassled off down into that To find that they're just bits of beach Not a fool, not a stupid fool Oh la la Oh la la la

That's beach or is that stone I think it's a fucking scribe a bit of beach in the park When will I be freed From these troublesome That's a stone though look at that that's a beauty Fuck me up the arse Oh sort of L shaped stone Definitely medium medium

At least Just lying out on the ground As if it didn't have a trouble in the world There are some birds sitting On the horizon they look like they might be buzzards or Some kind of carrion feeding They could be pigeons Maybe waiting for me to fall and die so they can peck out my eyes

And liver and tongue Hope so that's how I want to go Out on the field recycles I'm feeling pretty unfit So if you were foolish enough to back the snooker Kickstarter should be getting the stuff This week we may have it already If you were one of the big kickstarter backers who wanted a message

From me I have recorded all those Chris Evans about that one didn't realise And so he's sending them out pretty soon Lovely lovely another I mean that's probably small large but it's a chunk a good chunk of stone And that's off the field They're getting there We are getting there my fine friends Oh

And final part of Taskmaster this week If you've been watching that we'll discover who the new serious champion is Currently a little Richie Herring two points in the lead Surely you can't fuck that up That would be out of character Blackened Beats littering the field here We'll be back with Allie and Herring's Twitcher fun on Thursday At least two more of those before the end of the year

I don't know if I'll do one in the 10th of the year we might not Might have a little time off At least two more outings for Peter Dibbden they're in the can So to speak Wow And really unpleasant conditions out here still on this ocean Tick mud I compare it to World War One but I think that's

Probably unfair On myself I think the conditions are worse Yeah sure not being fired on by Germans but The stone stars he's been pretty quiet of late It feels like they've got some plan At any moment they could pop out of a bush and grab me We'll see We shall see we for howl a fee

My fine friends Fine, fine friends Oh Hope Dizzy looking down watching this Thinking what fun she could be having out here Don't like to think of losing my lovely friend Wolfie here or Might indeed myself In some ways losing myself is even worse

But We must enjoy them while they're here She's just in a week Come on darling you're right Into the corner of the field very churned up here Real risk even going out to try and rescue a stone I found one though Got one

Can probably hear a squelch of mud under my boots I'll put this on the can from the corner of the field Or everything really been cut back here So we can see everything pretty nicely Oh Everything really been cut back here So we can see everything pretty nicely And that can is growing is growing pretty

It's a flat long can But it's growing nicely Forcing my way up The hill here I've got to do 20 minutes of stand up tomorrow At Hartford Theatre There's got to be a charity concert If the Covid be willing

Which is going to be difficult Because I've made a pledge not to repeat any old material And I don't think I have 20 minutes of material But Maybe a little man in a box will help me out We For our fee We for our fee

I'm so unfit this unbelievable Dog's been away for the weekend I haven't done a walk for a few days And I realise I haven't probably Done the exercise for a few days That's why it's very important Imperative to stay fit as a stone clearer If you can't walk

You can't clear stones very effectively Although I guess The mobility scooter lady Proves there are other ways Much easier than working for the dark side I suppose the mobility scooter And some kind of One of the picking up sticks

Yeah, let's not So limit ourselves So don't clear on this for everyone Or if you just hate humanity Become a member of Stone Star as a Simple as that, fimple Fimple, fimple, fimple Fimple

It's just yucky out here It's a horrible experience I'm just panting the stone there It was sort of off the field already But I kicked it a bit further Should I be bothering myself with the stones That aren't even on the field? Yes Every stone must be as far from the field as possible

Without being in another field Wait, where are you going? Come here Wolfie, come here What are you doing? Come here Come here Let's go the long way around Even though it's disgusting out here

Come on I need the exercise Well, it's 2020, it draws to a close I hope it's not been too horrific for you I suspect it has Remember our human concerns Are nothing In the vast eons of time

The stones will laugh at you Oh Oh, you've got a virus, did you? Oh, bad luck I'm a stone I have seen things you cannot dream of Nice long, like almost bone like stone there But it is a stone

It's off the field now, don't worry If you're worried, don't worry I don't know how I'm going to make it round, Wolfs This could be it Excuse my last will and testament Testament Well, there's the stone Wolfie, what are you doing?

Wolfie, come here Again, nobody around, it's eerie out here I hope people just forsaken the field Because it's a little bit difficult to get round, perhaps You can't really blame another stone on the edge Slightly more on the edge now I'm not going to be able to kick it very far I'm almost yearning for the ice to come

There was some ice last week But this is just awful out here But we must clear stones, we must Keep going If thou clearest the stones Thou must never stop For a stone must be placed on a stone atop Till all the photons

Begone from the field And then the ills of the world shall all be healed Sorry, it took me a little while to remember that last line Is that a disgusting beat or a beautiful stone? It's a disgusting bit, really disgusting You can imagine how effective the vegetables must be Out here, I've found a nice one

I'll take a little walk and wander out This is for the singing ringing tree This could be the one, this is a proper millennium falcon Medium-sized toy, not a full-sized toy Here we go, singing ringing tree I thought that would do it I thought that was the one So that's ultimately what we're trying to do

Is heal the world Heal the world, that's what Michael Jackson was singing about A very famous stone flier Had to hide his stone flaring activities Behind the veneer Of having a big fun land where kids could come So people wouldn't know that he was actually Using that to clear stones off that field

Went to great lengths To create a reputation that would distract People from what he was doing Heal the world, make it a better place For you and me It wasn't as good as the medieval poem I just said that you will obviously remember I don't need to repeat it

If you can't remember it, just rewind a bit Listen to it, yeah Jesus Christ How fucking pathetically I was running six kilometers two weeks ago What's happened to me? Oh, I start drinking again Is that it? God, I didn't have...

God, I didn't have... I'm not even drinking that much This one as well Over the next 10 or 20 years Be a diary of the decline Of the human body, obviously It's already declined a great deal Found the stone

Right on the edge of the field But I'm going to throw that into the bushes The holly caught it Sprang it back a little bit But it's far enough off There's another one I think just for the good of that stone Maybe a little bit further off

Remember if the farmer is going to come over here And cut the edges in the grass back That the stones need to be far enough back Not to be affected by that machine Yeah, there's a lot of sand to grow in the middle of the field Let's get the edges done now Absolutely not a soul out here I don't know if you're hearing the sculpting

We're coming up to What is the wettest part of the field That was previously the most feckin' part of the field In terms of stones I don't remember it being like this The last two years This is the third December that I've been clearing stones Of course

I don't remember it being like this The last two years This is the third December that I've been clearing stones Of course I mean You can probably go back and Relive the chapters from December If there were any

I just wasn't doing it religiously Just the number of podcasts To tell me that What have we done Sort of two and every three weeks? Something like that Maybe not quite even that One in every four weeks

One in every three weeks Something like that Well It's more than one a month in it It's only been 36 months, 38 months, 40 months Two a month, one every two weeks There we go, we've got there in the end The chase coming up on Boxing Day

Celebrity chase I think that's it for my TV appearances in 2020 unless they decide to Screen the Pointless celebrities where I tuned with Les Dennis That's Red V It's all completed but We did that back before

In the before times That's been a while All just had a stone, hold on Is there any cairns here for it to go on? Let it start its own cairn under that tree Literally nobody around is Absolutely weird, isn't it? When you think of

Sometimes we're like figuratively circus out here, isn't it? Dogs attacking Wolfie Wolfie attacking dogs People trying to kill me Failing so far And look at this, I mean I might Take a photo of this This is the conditions we're working on

There, that's the somme, the fomme That's what we can call this Episode It's just trenches full of water And this Just a month, two months ago was Beautiful, dry And strewn with stones

I thought we got all the time in the world to clear these stones But now they're buried beneath mud Who knows when they'll return Maybe when the plowsheed have come Is that a stone or is that a bit of a beast? I think that is a stone, at last Off it goes, into the border wall Come on darling

Right, I'm just going to try and trudge through this mud What a world, what a world And there's still our stones here They're pushing their way to the surface as these stones will There's lots here, it's going to be okay There's a whole load of stones here And they literally have Found their way to the top

Which apples And a nice throw there Nice throw beautifully into the It's very muddy though It's not nice conditions to pick up stones What's that, is that a stone or is that a beast? It's too orange I think That's a bit of a beast, but there's lots of stones here as well

That's a beauty It's a bit slippery water, I don't want you to be Here that one slipped out Killed the dog Looks like this is going to be We're going to have tributes to two dogs He's there, and she's fine I'm joking

That one was a bit better That was just too big, the one I tried to throw Oh there's some beauties out here, this is good As long as they're not beasts Hope for the future, new hope Hope for the future, new hope And the path Across the field, starting to form now at least

Oh this is beautiful out here How has this happened? It was just I guess the stones are pushing their way up through A bit of rain falling on them, cleaning them off Look at the size of that thing, I've got to carry that to the middle That's the immense, that's the biggest from Wow look at that wolf's

That might be all I can carry But that has to go in the can, in the middle of the can I think that this is the biggest stone we've seen For a couple of months Would I even be able to carry it this far It's a long old journey wolf's I mean I would say that is the size of A small ham

A small Christmas ham Probably enough for five, six people there If that was ham not stone And that's probably big portions That's not just a slice of ham That's a big Hock of ham each I think you here get

40 or 50 slices From that, that's probably more than No one's got 10 slices are they That's enough for 10 people That could be a Christmas ham Yeah, if it wasn't starting, if it was ham Remember that's what I'm not saying Go out, pick up a stone

Attempt to slice it up and serve that to your family At Christmas They'll think you're crazy What I'm saying is if it was a ham It looks like a ham It could make me quite hungry But it is vegetarian If any vegetarians want to try this instead of a ham

You will need some kind of Stone cutting Saw And also it's probably an edible Almost certainly an edible So So I'm just doing almost a foot there

Having to carry this two handed It's that big It's not weighing me down with two hands But it's It's like a glazed ham It looks like as well It's got that nice brown Rind on it

Totally vegan I like some worms on there Just pick the worms off Put them back in the field And some crows waiting for me The Beasts of the sky Seems to be in wait for my death

They can sense it's coming Maybe you can too if you listen to my shortness of breath As I carry it I mean what's this half a kilo Maybe this stone, I don't know Maybe more than that We're nearly there Nearly on the cam, the centre of the cam

It's going prior places, right on the top This is one of the best stones I've found for a while Not that any stone is better than another stone Of course By carrying this I've only got one stone I could probably have picked up five or six smaller stones That would have been bigger than this But it's on the top, it's slightly

Wavered A bit like a tipping point Look at all those crows there wolves That's a murder of crows Right there ahead of me Right, we're heading down And I think This path is not leading to the Dominic Cummings

Cam, the new path Had a shot in the distance The sun now I think it's above the trees, it's behind clouds You can just see the corona Tree of the clouds It's a beautiful day actually, it's not too cold And that's why it's muddy

And some clouds On the horizon The sun is shining onto them It's like gold in the sky The crows have just all flown off They went one way and then The other hither and thither The crows did fly

For the stone clearer did come With a look in his eye That said I will make you my dinner Four and twenty of thee In the pie I shall break So Hither thee flee

But Twenty four crows Did not listen To he And were caught in a net And then baked Under pastry And when the pie did open

The birds began to sing And were disappointed to see It was a fat man Not a king That they Were doing their things And then From the distance

There came a big clatter And everybody said What earth is the matter What on earth is the matter Sorry I misread that I may not remember this But It turned out to be

The stones You see they had come from The future in a machine That could flee Through time they did say And they murdered All around And the crows did fly off

And went to the ground And that is why To even today We do talk of a murder Of crows Because Nobody knows Which way the wind blows

That's a medieval poem there Involving time travel And you know how do they know about the stones That I see in that time I've got two nice medium stones There's a lot of stones out here I'm quite excited Just the path leads to the stone pole

Which is obviously pilgrims Travelling from afar They've changed the way the path so it comes to a more interesting place Where I'm heading back to the Dominic Cummings Cairn Just to add these two mediums It's the cairn that never grows Has been cut back though It's looking quite healthy

Still the same size as ever Somewhere under there is Dominic Cummings Hat His scarf is still Atop Right I need to find five smaller stones To throw it in the stone pole Let's see how we do today Is that a stone or is that a stone

That's a Beat I'm going to just throw it back on the field I should have thrown it off the field I mean literally no one around still So They've lulled me into force and security But four

Shouldn't be hard to find a fifth there The fifth one, right let's go Wolves Wolves off the lead She's jumping up already at the excitement She loves the stone pole One, one out one Missed Hit another pole, rebounded back onto the pole

Watch out Wolves, you're right in the way of the pole Two out three Looking good Or just missed I think it might have even touched it But I can't count that Two out four, this is the decider Solid hit

I mean that's at least three out of five And there may have been a nick So if you're called Nick That's an extra good value Do If you're coming monthly badger right now Go for us on strike.com or slash badgers Every year

If you're on Twitch, Amazon Gaming If you've got Amazon Prime, please use that Amazon Prime Account to come back every month and subscribe To my Twitch channel It doesn't cost you anything but we get money Gone way down I have to say

We were doing quite well to begin with I managed to pay for all of our equipment at least Now Pickings are a little slimmer I would say certainly not Hour for hour, not very worthwhile for me But It's not all about the money kids

It's about creating a profit show That makes you look like you're insane When you're not insane With an insane person walking around Clearing stones and doing a podcast about it I don't think so Have you ever seen an insane person do that? No Therefore

Question effectively demonstrated Just taking a little hassle off that To pick up a few loose What I hope of stones That's a beat There are a couple of stones here I feel the main can has been a little bit Unfed

That was late Usually there are stone stars The approaching here But it's nice to see all the grass cut back I can see just how far The wall is stretching now It's not very far It's really not far at all on this side

The other side is a bit better Let's make it go a little bit better on this side Those are nice You might see that Today that's 900 stones a year Kabush That's the way I look at it Looking quite good

A lot of detritus on my cane This side, look at this coming right down here Stones At least of a single layer this far We're heading down to the The ditch that stopped Brexit The ditch that got Dominic Cummings fired The ditch that welcomes refugees

And one out of three ain't bad And I'm sure the other things Will come true as well I mean if you think Brexit's happening now You're living in the dream world Belief in the ditch And the ditch shall fowl provide Liffon to the batons

My friend for they fowl thingy A merry dance Don't listen to the birds and trees Don't listen to your underpants Liffon to the batons Liffon to the batons And they in turn Shall liffon to you my friend

My fine friend Right let's get some ammo for the Brexit ditch I listen to the stones and here they are Here's one of them, what are you saying Well I know that's lovely Must be so happy about that Well it doesn't make me better than any of the other stones

No you're right But it's quite interesting Hang round like an egg Well like a round egg Yes I'm not particularly spherical I'm a little ovoid Okay fair enough

I bow to your superior knowledge People think you're mad Richard Well then I'm not mad And if my friends were mad They would leave The merry dance And so Be a piece of our journal

Will some emails in a sec Ah it's good to be back 87 chapters plus The Fumma Time Special Not too bad there's the Brexit ditch You can actually see the stones back and it's pretty impressive but I guess I have thrown a lot of stones in there that's the kind of thing the same person will say to prove they're not mad

right thinking a little hassle off because it's in a couple of nice they're just small mediums but and I then I stand they're not round they're not they're just asteroid shaped every stone is welcome under my regime and I think these will be the last two of the day as we prepare to get on with our day I'm interviewing Luke Conran tonight that will be out on some the 30th of December as a podcast but you can watch for a hell of some as live if you want to usually on Wednesday nights but this week on a Tuesday night because of my gig tomorrow thanks for your support this year guys thanks for back in the

Kickstarter or Kickstarter's and I hope you've enjoyed all the output it's been a pretty good stone clearing yeah isn't it if you include all those early morning videos that are lost forever and so let's have a look at your emails this one comes from Simon chimney pot hi Simon it's a hyphenation name cleanly he's married someone called pot or chimney or parents did quite an unfortunate I had a gone pot chimney just to stop the jokes but I guess it wouldn't work that well or just combined chopped him me pimping me I went for Simon pimping me I'm gonna call you he said 2020's coming to an end rich it's been a great year I

think we can all agree if just from the stone clearing point of view that is true and that's the best point of view what has been your highlight of 2020 it's been a yeah it's been my stone clearing highlight it's hard to pick out just one thing I guess when the glasses fell on walkie it's pretty good morning lady in a dressing gown putting out her bins that was funny when the glasses fall on walkie I mean is that a stone clearing highlight I don't know I guess the move to video was controversial but welcome in some circles best stone you know it's like choosing which is my

favorite child which would be my daughter's face yeah I don't know I can't choose a favorite I think that one I just the big one I put on the central can just then the one that comes to mind that that just happened the bin have been becoming just at the right just during school run that's the best isn't that the best time to send your bin men out just during the school run my wife has gone the other way I think she's learned her lesson after being trapped in traffic all right where I put my keys wolves my question to you what is your answer now in that pocket there thank you thank you for your head

assistance will be coming right in you all right we're home so thanks for email thanks for what's on the morning here thanks for signing up for bold give me some I'm still I've still got three M yeah what do you grab that pretty nice you can check out my website or my email newsletter you can find out the link to that gun done already you get 50 quid I get 50 quid I'm spending my 50 quids on podcast now you can spend on what you like probably on some electricity and imagine okay my fine friends time for us to go goodbye

to the don't my friend and they for helping you marry dance don't live into the bird fan tree don't live on to your underpants live on to the don't live on to the don't and they in turn I'll live on to you my friend my fine friend stone clearing with Richard herring starved rich tearing and warfee the dog it's sponsored by Patrick Hill in memory of dizzy the dog it also featured that lady in her dressing gown putting out of bins the music is by my cough grave the voice of the photons is Michael you

Liffon to the foes, and they in turn fowl Liffon to ye, my friend, my fine friend.