Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 90

Episode Date: January 21, 2021

Chapter 90 - The Three Df. It's 8am on the 21st January 2021 and Rich has left behind his film star career for the glamour of stone clearing. He has to lift a tree that is blocking his path and receives a veiled threat from a member of the Ftone Ftafi and he also has to take a diversion into the village to pick up some tabloids where Wolfie meets her enemy. It's all happening. Only 10 chapters away until we've completed the beginners' course and can move on to more advanced techniques.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Alright, come on Wolfie Harris. How are you doing? How are you a good doggy? Are you being a good girl? Are you a good girl? Careful. Careful because there's cars. There's cars. Don't forget the cars, Wolfie Harris. Okay, well here we go. Sorry for the slight interruption to business. I had to go to Wales, pretend to be a film star and also to draw heat away from what I'm doing here. Welcome to chapter 90. Ten more chapters to go until we get chapter 100 where the real hard work is going to begin. This first 100 chapters are just a start to preliminary for beginners. We will move on at chapter 100 to more hardcore and intermediate tree techniques. So, someone chopped a Christmas tree up there in the park. Why would you do that? I mean, you can't succumb and take your Christmas tree and swipe on the dragon all the way up here and then just dump it in the park. That's insane. It's right in the path. Up by the field almost like someone's trying to warn me away. It is the date is 21st January, three weeks into January.

And look at this Christmas tree. What's going on? Wolfie, come here. I guess someone threw it onto this compost heap and then it's rolled down as you can, and I just threw it back again. I'll just take a picture of that for posterity. Very odd behaviour from the people of my village. Not that I'm not used to that, but absolutely no need to drag a Christmas tree all the way up here onto the field. The council come and, assuming on Tuesday, take it away. Only mulch them up. I don't know what they do. Anyway, welcome. We're here. Chapter 90 of infinite chapters, hopefully. If I do manage to convert my body to stone, as is the plan, just picking up a nice... That's a fucking bit of beat. I thought it was a nice bit of stone. I've still thrown it on the can. It was a buried. It looked like a stone, but it was a bit too squidgy. Beats are still here.

And I put a couple of stones on there just in case the Alpha and Omega Gods were annoyed by the... I think there's a bit of a beach. It's hard to tell now. I thought the beets would still be here. Well, there's Wolfie. Don't eat the beets in Asia 6. It's like a massive refrigerator of beets out here, of slightly rotten beets, and also stones. Oh, and the stones are cold today. I'm wearing gloves, but I can still feel the kiss of death through my thin... These are my stone-clearing gloves. I haven't worn them for a while. They are actually supposed to stop nicks. They're not marketed as stone-clearing gloves. I think they're used for people who work in metals and things like that. You know, cutting things before the little protection.

All found a nice stone here. There it is. Off it goes. And thanks for sticking with us through these 90 episodes. Hope you've learned a little bit about stone-clearing along the way. I mean, if you haven't. I mean, that was the point, wasn't it? That's why we're doing this. Oh, the rain's coming down a little bit. I don't know if I mentioned it was 801 when I began. I'm doing a little Hasselhoff out, and it's actually quite a way out in a nice medium, well, maybe in a small large. There's a few chunky bits of stone here. I'll quickly get back to the shore in case I'm spotted by the Hasselhoffs of the Stone Stasi. I wouldn't mind if they look like Braywatch, the Stone Stasi, but they rarely do occasionally close stuff. Oh, the sky's blue. There are some peach-coloured clouds. The sun is not yet up officially.

It's just peeking over the horizon as I climb this small brow of a hill. But there's moisture in the air. There's moisture in the air, and people dancing everywhere. Pick up some stones. Oh, yeah. The sun, just as I get out to the brow of the hill, is just peeking its way. I've put a top of hill. There's three-quarters of them over the hill now. Wolfie, I'm going to have to pick that up, aren't I? It's very inconsiderate of you. Just getting a dog shit bag. Bray to roll, so you're disgusted that I put dog shit in my pocket. It's in the bag, and the bag is comitably sealed.

And no poo is on the outside of the bag. And nothing of importance goes in that pocket anyway, so my dog poo pocket, and it goes. It's not possible to do all the things I have to do and carry poo in my hand. I have a dog lead, sometimes a torch. I have to pick up stones. The dog poo has to be in the pocket. I like to hold it unusually because of the busybodies in the village who are very upset about the dog poo. If you look at the Facebook group for our village, 90% of that dog poo. Also carcrow, not a carcrow, I'm going on here. Catalyzed converters being stolen, windows being broken.

A scum from Luton. A cup of coffee to steal bits of our cars. Apart from that, it's dog poo. A lot of them say you only see about four or five dog owners carrying bags of poo around, which I think is an unfair accusation. I do carry mine around quite ostentatiously when I'm not stone clearing. Which, when that, just for those people. But you can put it in the pocket, you might also have already deposited it in our bin.

So there's no proof. If you're not seeing a dog poo yet, there's all sorts of parameters there. I'd love to go on the Facebook group and really get to grips with the people there. Is that a beet or a stone? Oh, it was a beet, it flowered and kicked it and it flew. It nearly did a up and under over a fence there in someone's garden, and that could have created another incident. What's reassuring about the Facebook group is no one's mentioned.

Who's the guy carrying stones off the field? What's going on? Why are there loads of stones around the field? What's happening? No one's noticed, and that is part of my skill to be under the radar. Even after two and a bit years, no one has a clue what's going on. Apart from the guy who died, Michael, he died, though, so it's alright. That's okay. It's not alright if he's died, but I am safe.

He was the only one who discovered me, and he was stone-filling himself. Some of the stone stars, I suspect. No proof, that's why I'm still here. So the conditions here are, again, quite muddy, not too icy. It feels cold in the air, but the ground tells a different tale. The ground says no, it's not freezing. Look at these puddles of mud and water, and muddy water. You can tell the people at home it's freezing cold, but the evidence of science says not.

But I don't trust the evidence of science. Science says that stones aren't sentient. Science says that stones cannot grow in the field. Science says that water has to be at nought degrees centigrade to freeze. And I disagree with science, because it's nought degrees centigrade now, probably minus two or three. And I'm slipping around in the mud, so I explain that science. I don't need your thermometers.

I've got my fingers even encouched in thin stone-resistant material. They can still tell that the temperature is probably minus five degrees out here. And why wouldn't it be, it's generally. Why would it be warm enough for puddles to form? Oh, I suppose you're going to say it's global warming now. Science. Oh, science. When will you learn?

So yeah, sorry to be away last week. I was called away to Wales. I would have loved to clear some of their many stones, but sadly I was chatting in the green room most of the time. It was either very cold or very hot. Stop eating the beets! Sorry, that was an instruction to my dog, not to you. Do eat beets if you wish to.

When will they go? When will these beets disappear? I'll kick that one down the bank. That's at least one of them. I'm not a beach clearer. I'm a stone clearer. It's in the title. I just picked up another stone.

Haven't done them up too many. I've been too busy complaining about science. Like how we live for time. Okay, we'll go the long route. A little up and under there for a tiny stone. Kicked from the periphery of the field. Very much to the edge. Passing the can across from the main can.

It's looking just as soggy, lump of mud. Some stones sticking out. That's a stone, that's a stone, that's a beauty. How's that just lying here? It kind of looks like that. A quotation mark. And that is now on the can across from the main can. And no one will ever move it.

Another kick. I'm doing a lot of kicking today. And here we go through the mud. Up towards the fingering entry. That stone. That's a beet, isn't it? That's a dirty beet. Let's start taking them off because they're confusing. Don't eat it.

If we start eating they're very disgusting. Beet. Then you wonder why you're sick. Then you think you've come to me and go, Daddy, why am I so sick? And I say to you, it's shush. Shush, doggie, doggie. Stop talking.

People will hear you talking. Must keep it secret that you can speak. The secret between you and me. On we trudge. The 90th time of asking. For you, of course, and many more. And many more times for me. If I recorded every single stone clear.

I don't think there's a human being to keep up with that. We might go back to the video. Once I'm not counting those in the 90th course. I probably did 50 or 60 of those. I don't know. 90 times. If you've listened to all of them. I thought that was a beat.

It was a hard beat. Hard beat, hard beat. There you go. Hard beat, hard beat. More emails coming through. I'll let you know if any of them are from sisters of 10s place in Germany. Very exciting to have that level of celebrity.

Of course, there's a life team involved. So we're not, we're not strangers to the world of celebrity here at stone clearing. But still nice. Still much when you get somewhere with a caliber. As a play of sister emailing in. Not the usual hoi per loi of rubbish we get from you guys. No offense.

No offense to those of you who aren't imbued in the glow of smorting celebrity. A lot of the sports stars do admire me for what I'm doing here. Not just the snooker. But you have to be an athlete to clear stones to the level that I'm doing. I'm not saying if you, I know many of you aren't athletic.

I am looking at you, mate. But it's not to say you can't still have some use here on the field, but it's like Captain Tom versus Steve Cram over the 1500 meters. You know, you're taking part. Maybe you're raising some money from the NHS. But see, you're never going to win that race.

So don't even try. Oh, no stone stars. No one runs at all. The field, the station is dappled with sunlight. I had them way out there, that's weird. How is that possible? The next field is green.

This field is largely brown. A few shoots or something popping up. I don't think it's, I don't think it's a crop. Maybe I'm wrong. Look at the uniform, actually. But I think it's just grass. I'm carrying too many stones today, sorry. Oh, I'm giving too much advice.

Do you remember to bend from the knee? It's something I should have said in the chapter one already. Bender the knee. To preserve your back, your joints. It's very quiet out here. Oh, no, I spoke too soon. Camouflage against the hedgerow there.

Single-finger white skins. Or I can tell you, I can see his white, maybe gammed colours face. I don't know. It's very quiet out here. Oh, no, I spoke too soon. I can tell you, I can see his white, maybe gammed colours face. He has a dog that looks like a large,

prehistoric mammal. Of some kind. Maybe an anteater sort of thing. Long snout. Oh, no, it's a dog. It's a dog. Moving to quite a pace for a stone's daisy. If they've discovered the ability to move quickly, we could be in trouble here.

The stone's daisy. Usually I felt I can outrun those guys. This guy, or lady, seems to have a hunchback. He's still moving very fast. Looks like he's being picked up by an invisible man by the coat. Oh, no, it's just that. We're on a collision course here.

It doesn't mean I can't clear any stones. I'm just going to have some to actually pick a couple. No one can stop doing that. Didn't get that far. Didn't get that far enough. The dog is seeing Wolfie. It's a weird animatronic creature from before time. Wolfie's trying to run after it, but I've sensibly got it on the lead.

Wolfie, come here. Wolfie, come here. I cannot say the stone's daisy guy is as sensible as me. He's dug off the lead. Wolfie came to go for the fight. That's held back by the long yellow lead. Wolfie, come here. Wolfie, come here. Come here. You're not going to fight that dog. You'll play with that dog.

You're coming here to help me clear stones. Wolfie, come here. Wolfie, come here. Come here. Wolfie, come here. You're not stopping the mud. A little joke there from the stone's daisy. And the threat, I think.

I don't know if you heard it. I'm amazed you can stand up in this mud. Nothing about a dog attacking my dog. I'm amazed you can stand up in this mud. The veiled threat, I think. Oh, must be nice to be standing up in this mud rather than lying face down dead in it. I'm amazed that that's happening, little threat, but I won't be intimidated by

bully boys, Trump has gone, and we don't have to put up with that kind of behavior anymore. Yes, let's see if the stone of stars he affected, maybe that's why there's so few of them out here today. A leader is gone. Oh, I'm amazed I can stand up in this mud though, because it is very muddy, but you know also, I'm a fit young man. Maybe he was making a joke about the fact that I'm gonna stand up there, maybe it's, maybe it's, maybe it's just, oh, well that's annoying, I've just heard one of my, one of my ear buds has just died, I hope you can still hear me, I did charge it overnight,

so that is something of a disaster. If I disappear all together, it's been lovely knowing you, probably just hear your buds, don't worry, I've got some nice big stones here, and some lobbing from a distance, oh, that one hasn't quite made the edge good, so you're gonna have to pick up another time, my glasses have fallen off, wow, and that one has a way off as well, I've got to get one to the edge, that one a little bit easier to throw, and it bounces, it hops its way to the edge of the field, it's off, it's escaped, in this great escape, I mean I hope it's still there, we all would think I'm just talking to no one, but I think you might be a mono,

well I might be a mono, you're probably in Syria, just gonna check my phone, we'll see if it's, oh there's a lot of stones out here, it's gone back in it to, this is the second area of the field, yes, we're still getting something, my ear buds on 5% and that is outrageous, now just so that was my own comsiness that caused the breaking recording, we're on 5% if I missed that, another phone starts in the distance, I did charge for the maybe night but it was on, like a thing you might have put a phone on, and clearly it did not look like it had charged, it looked like it went on, but we are living on borrowed time my friends,

so I hope we get to the, I hope we get to the, at least to the stone pole, I might head a different way today as I'm going to buy some newspapers for Twitcher Fun, which is a comedy podcast to do to disguise my stone clearing work, just distract, distract, that's, it's the three D's of stone clearing, distract, is the first of the three things, distract, that's number one is distract, it's very easy to remember because they all begin with D, all the three main tenants, distract, number one, dog, have a dog, that's number two, deploy, distract, dog, deploy, it sounds like you're distracting a dog, dog, distract, deploy,

that's what, that's the, the dog is a distraction too of course, but can help sometimes in the process, just picking up a stone as I cross the path, I've passed a lot of the Twitchers finger which is Dick there, very valuable commodity, very annoying about the earpods, I charged them especially for you, five percent though, will that be enough to get us through, it's exciting times, so we might not pass the ditch to stop Brexit today, but to be honest I'm a bit annoyed about that ditch, I know I'm meant to believe, I know it's all about faith, but sometimes that ditch can stretch faith a bit far, just a little bit far, oh and if the lady on the mobility scooter, I always worry

that, you know we might see the last of her, but her and her gigantic, again very prehistoric wolf like dog, and they may be, they may be on an intercept course to be honest to the stonepob, she's moving at a lick, that's the beauty of having a mobility scooter, and there's five stones I picked up just on that crossing there, that's a nice result, and we're heading down the path that now leads directly to the stonepole, I might just get my five bits of ammo ready, where's she gone, oh maybe I don't need to, she's left the field of play, don't forget about that dog poo in my pocket everyone,

oh there's another stone starzy there, wow how and where'd they come from, so by the strength I think the, I think maybe a stone starzy have have got the 3Ds as well, dog distracts, what was the third one, it's a test for you, see if you're listening, just email in if you know what it was, I'll see if you've been listening, but they've definitely got the distract and the dog bit, but weirdly the, oh look at the cloud, weirdly the other stone starzy, an orange, bright as a beacon is heading in the wrong direction, better quickly do your emails to see if any other tennis star bruns or sisters have gone in touch,

and I'm not just looking at that, they're all equal, everyone's equal in my eyes, but let's have a look, nettle becker has got in touch, that's the sibling, I'm not sure if that's a boy or a girl, so apologies to any German, there's no Germans, any Germans listening, I don't know if nettle that's any TL of course, nettle, sounds like a girl's name but I don't want to assume, especially in this day and age, get into all kinds of trouble if you make assumptions, they've been in touch to say what is your record on the stone pole, what do you should listen, there's probably five, I don't know, maybe six, sometimes I go for the wolfie is in the way,

oh that was that sounded like a hit but that was the pole behind the stone pole and I don't think it rebounded on, oh that's a solid hit, one out of two, two out of three, we're on course, we're bad miss, this is the, we're on two out of four wolfies in the way, oh did that nick the stone pole in the way, I don't think it did, two out of four just hit the fence, that's the call, the line judge, nettle becker will be well aware of those, not from their own experience, well except the brother goes on about it a lot, what has nettle, as it was asking about the stone pole, it was a bad question but at least it's a sort of weighting pathetic question actually, that's a problem when you go for celebrity over

true fans, it'll be from Dominic Cummings-Ken, gets a little stone there and we're going down off the field now, there's a stone there that's presumably come off the can and that can go back on, we're going to head and buy a newspaper, so we're off the field, no Brexit ditch today, let's see how the Brexit ditch responds to that, I mean it's sort of not really a much of a position to fight back is it, A it's a ditch, B it hasn't stopped Brexit, Brexit seems to be going pretty well so great work from Boris Johnson, that's you know I'm critical of him sometimes but at the moment he seems to be doing a brilliant job,

in the Scrooge sense keeping down the surface population, yeah that's the job, that's the task he's set himself, I need succeeding and I don't, I think it would be childish to complain about that, let's have a look and see if there are any other evils as we're walking down, I'm just going to carry on until the earbuds, the earpods give up, might get me going to the news agents, I will have to be a bit careful of course as we get into the proper world, not to seem talking to myself, or the tittle tattle, Facebook groups will be all over it, it's life in the village, let's have a look through, Bramble

dustbin, Bramble dustbin has been in touch to to ask do you have any hobbies outside of Stone Clearing, I mean this isn't Fabre magazine, this isn't Teen, Fifteen magazine, because neither of those things exist, one of them is a lolly, but I don't like the implication that Stone Clearing is a hobby there, I mean that might not be what you meant, you could certainly read that as Stone Clearing is a hobby, do you have any other hobbies, I don't know that's not what you said, but you know people are sneaky in the way they try to bring you down, bring down someone successful, they see someone with 90 episodes of the podcast that's still running, 91 if you include the Summertime Special, Summertime Special,

92 if you include the introduction, well over 100 if you include all the video ones, and they feel jealous, they feel like I've got a podcast, not saying this is Bramble dustbin, maybe they're just interested if I've got hobbies, but they see, I don't know how can we, Bramble dustbins, you know, I don't know what they'd probably do something about flower ranging podcasts, not one of those is it, Bramble dustbin thinks it's quite a gap in the market, bang we bring that out, and how come herring's getting 90 episodes, Stone Clearing is not as interesting as flower ranging, what's going on, well hey, Bramble, I put the work in right, I'm persistent, I started early, I didn't just get to lock down,

go oh if anyone's got a podcast, I better have another podcast, see how it goes, I could make, you know, just make him big Stone Clearing style money from that, no you've got to go for years and years, I've been going for 13 years, not on Stone Clearing, but always a rainbow, oh it's a beaut, come on, what's this, I think the Brexit ditch has forgiven me, isn't it, that's a beauty, there's no point trying to take a photo of that, but that's, it's got all the colors, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, they're all there, and then it's smiling over the

sky, upside down, I'm sort of frowning, but if you stand upside down, everyone can see you're smiling over the sky, I've been paying the whole world with that rainbow, but it's not possible because you can't get your brush in, also you know, you would just get one of the, even if you did it, I don't think your paintbrush would come out, rainbow, I think you'd go in the reds, you'd be taking reds, you'd have to then go back and go in the yellow, it would be quite a laborious thing to do, but yeah, lovely, well I'm glad I came this way, I think I've been from, it's really strong over there, look at that, I mean you can't, you can't see it, I could just be lying about this rainbow, but it's one of the

biggest rainbows I've seen, it's literally like a McDonald's arch over our village, and if that's not a sign of good fortune for 2021, then I don't know what to say, I don't know what could be having, I haven't got a bloody face mask anyway, oh god, going all the rest of the news, I think, I'll see, I'll see, no stones here, of course, I mean there's lots of them, but they've been enslaved, one day I will free all these stones that they've been battered into brick form, then how that works largely, and put to the use of humans, and one day when I finish the field I will come for this village

and put it down, brick by brick, and return these stones to the field from whence they came, rainbow has come, well, the race is still with me, if you are, and if you're not still with me, then I hope somehow these words will get to you, through the ether somehow, I don't know how it'll happen, but if you believe in the power of the rainbow they will, I'll give you a little bit of the rainbow, it's just over there, and here we are, I'm going to just tie the dog up, there you can drink out that really horrible bottle of water there,

do you stay there, sit, okay, Just a paper? All right, three papers to express them in my, sorry, mirror. Yes, please. Great. Lovely. Thank you very much.

Good girl, Wolfs. Now, I wouldn't buy those papers usually, but, you know, it's for the purpose. Oh, I forgot your with me for a sec there. Maybe not. Maybe not any more. Oh, there's another doggy coming. And then a cleverly crosses the road. So, don't go.

Will be. No, what are you doing, you lunatic? Come here. Will be on the road. Come here. What are you doing? Come here. Come here.

Naughty girl. Bad girl. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Must be there. They're barely coming. Come on. Good girl.

Come on. What have you got? What's the problem with that dog? She hates that doggy. That's good to have enemies. Wolfs, good to have enemies. What's wrong? What's wrong with that one?

What do you know about that doggy? Because you're a good doggy usually, aren't you? You are. You talk to me. Right. Well, maybe we'll end there on that excitement. You could have been run over. You can't run in the road.

Good job, but I saw what was happening and stopped you. All right, very good doggy. So there's a little bit of daily life in my village. Hope you enjoy it. Bit of a change. It's not all stung during. And I guess if I didn't have a hobby, I didn't have that question, did I?

Because I didn't respect it. And if I have a hobby, it's living this false life. Of being a seemingly outstanding member of a small community. People respect me. You've heard that from me just walking along. They have no idea what's happening. I think we might just have lost sound.

Have a look. I don't know. It's still going on. It's just about to stop. So thanks for listening, everyone. It's a real special chapter 90. A little visit to the shops. You know, one of these days I'll just set the record

and just keep it going and find a way just for it to go out alive. And you can listen to 24 seven. One day. That's my ultimate ambition. All right, kids. Take care of yourself and each other. Goodbye. Oh, yeah.

Living to the phone, my friend, and they for helping you, Mary dance. Don't live for them to the burglars and tree. Don't live for them to your underpants. Living to the stone, living to the stone, and they in turn are living to you, my friend, my friend. Stoneclay and Richard Herring start me, Richard Herring and Wolfie the dog. Plus, that man who said about being stuck in the mud and the lady in the mobility scooter and the lady with the dog that Orphy hated.

There's a few people in the M, and the news agent as well, he was in it as well. The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the Potombs is Mike Orphaheem. Listen to the thorns, my friend, And they falting, ye a merry dance. Don't listen to the birth and truth, Don't listen to your underhands. Listen to the thorns, Listen to the thorns, And they in turn faltering, To ye my friend, my fine friend. Thanks for watching!