Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 91

Episode Date: January 26, 2021

Chapter 91 - Yellow Fnow. It's 8.25am on the 26th January 2021 and we've gone straight to an intermediatery lesson as the Stocean is covered in crispy snow. How do you clear stones when you can't see stones? What are the best ways to surreptitiously melt it? And will science ever work out what snow even is? There's a vicious attack from the horrible muzzled dog and a friendly (?) greeting form the mobility scooter lady. Plus more celebrity emails.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Good girl. Whoopee. Where are you man? Come on, let's go. Ah, there's some doggies there. Come on, good girl. Good girl, come on. Well, here we go.

It is, welcome to chapter 91. It's the 26th of January 2021. It is 8.25, my fine friends. Welcome to quite a special chapter, I think this is going to be. I said we wouldn't get on to intermediary advice until chapter 100, but circumstances have trumped us. That's the right word and forced us to move onwards because you may be able to hear underfoot the crunching sound of icy snow.

There's a real chill in the air, I'm wearing a middly thin stone-clearing gloves, but they're being nipped by the cold, I haven't even touched anything yet. Wolfie's King to get out on the field. And yes, it's winter wonderland. It's going to be very hard to find any stones today, so stone clearing in the snow, is it possible?

Can it be done? Can I find a gift for the Alphanomaga Can? That's the first order of business that said Wolfie off the lead for a sec. Is that a stone? No, that's a beat, fucking hell. This isn't going to help me, is it? It's going to keep the beat. I found a stone there, but it's frozen into the ground.

What do we do if we can't donate to the Alphanomaga Can? Do we dig? I've dug down. You might just chance to complete, I've found a stone. So that is something, onto the Can it goes. Right, let's take a photo of this so you will understand what we're dealing with. Ah, Wolfie, good girl. This is what we're dealing with, you run around Wolfie for a scale.

There we go, that's a good girl. I don't know if we've done a stone clearing in the snow before. I mean, I of course have done many. I'm not sure we've covered it in these chapters. It is difficult because I cannot see any stones. I haven't got time to stop and dig. I do have a trail. I was out here last night.

Even the stones that peak above the ground. I can see where Wolfie was. I think she just did a wee there, but it was some way away. It was off the field, it's fine. I believe that Wolfie is for the birds. Someone's actually got some golden grains. They don't like for the birds. They don't like birds like those.

Oh, here's a stone. Wolfie, there's always hope even within this. The stones are deeply frozen into the ground, of course. The ground is attempting to claim them, tightening its grip. We've cleared two stones so far. There's another beat. Big one. I might just clear that just so it's off the field.

It doesn't annoy me in the future. I've cleared more beats than I have stones so far today. That's always a bad sign. Come on, Wolfie! Wolfie, come on! He's smelling the ground, smelling the snow. It's just water, it's frozen water. I don't even know that yet, I do.

So it may be a boring stone clear. If you liked hearing stones being cleared, you may not hear too many things. But we will get on to... Wolfie, we're in the snow, the snow is turning yellow. Should we take a picture of that? We'll get on some interesting philosophical and, I guess, academic territory. The man clears stones in snow. If anyone here will scream, if he doesn't scream, the answer is no.

Also, more stones have been exposed here. But very much in the ground. Very much frozen like chips in a freezer. I can't even get the... I can't even get the... Oh, I've got a little one up. A tiny, still more beaten stone. A tiny one comes up.

But this quest is hard any time, okay? And any stone you can get off is a victory. Another beat, what's going on with the beats? Why are they so free of the snow? What's off the field now? It's like they've got central heating in them. There's little pockets around them. Animals have been digging up, maybe that's it.

I guess this is not the cricket when it's raining. You know, this is stone clearing when it's snowing. There's not much play, but the commentators still must commentate. And consider what they're doing with their lives. They've wasted the precious gift of life. Oh, again, I've got it. Another tiny stone off. But a lot of work just to free it, and it was above the ground.

This is why it's tough, fellas. This is why I haven't put this in the first 90 chapters. Because this would put you off. This is your first stone clearing podcasting. What's the point in that? You can't even get to the stones. Luckily, in the UK, at least, it's not always like this. I feel for the Finnish stone clearers.

The Antarctic stone clearers. There's people clearing stones on top of very high mountains, even in Africa, where there is snow. And that's in my stone when I get it up. I can. That's almost the size of one of the beets I've taken off. Oh, I didn't even get that far. Let's kick it right to the fence.

Let's do the job properly. We're going to do... Right, the right by the fence. So there's still pickings. The pickings are slim. Sometimes literally. That one was quite chunky. And I'm on the periphery of the field now,

and there's some stones that have already been cleared. There's some moving them a bit near the edge. So you can do some housekeeping. The nice came there. The ground is properly hard. If I fell onto this, it would really hurt my old man's back. This part of the field actually got under some trees, so they've dripped water onto the ground, I think.

The snow has melted, but yeah. Oh, I've got it up. There's a few stones that have got one of them up. Tuck that under the bench. But it's barely, this is barely the field. And now back on, you can hear the crunch of the snow. Oh! I mean, I'm sure this is as frustrating for you as it is for me.

Whoopie likes it. You know, some people say, well, I won't do the podcast today because I won't be able to clear phones. Not me, I say let's do the podcast. Let's get it out there, let's people know the truth. Let them know what the conditions you have to fight against. Fighting on gloves on. Oh, the cold would be permeating my bones.

And it is a bit already. So it would be permeating them more. I will do a long walk. We're going to go past the finger ring entry. There's no way the fairy faggot's going to have today, they're not idiots. First of all, there'd be footprints proving their existence. Second, it's quick out. Another beat.

And Bob hasn't got a bob. Well, you know, if I just clear beats today, that would still be something. I don't understand where what snow is, where it comes from, what it's made of, why it's white, why it's so cold. No one understands those things. Science can't explain it. We just know that it comes. Maybe there's a punishment.

There's a wolf. There's a wolf who's doing, I think, a beat there. She's, I can't die really recently and it's not surprising. She's eating four months old beats. We feed you proper dump food. Do you want to be vegetarian? Oh, and here's some mounds. I've raised above the snow right here.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you just couldn't do this without a trail. That's a, I mean, you wouldn't even call that a pebble that I've taken off there. Another day, I might have left that until bigger stones were off the field. But today, look at that. Like it was like a minstrel size. Can you imagine a minstrel? I'm not sure there was chocolate in the middle, but it was dark on the outside.

That's what made me think of it. Like a minstrel that's been slightly sat on, it's on its pocket and elongated into more of a sugar-coated almond shape. Some poo there. And the parsnip. Another huge beat. Wolfie's got it. Hello, Wolfie.

Wolfie's got it. She wants it. And you take it off her. Because I don't want her eating frozen beat. Wolfie! She's tep mashed and bite a bit off it. Off it goes. And the bit that's bitten off it.

Leave it there, Wolfie. Wolfie's got it again. Well, you know, it's a bit of fun. It's like the schools are closed. I mean, they are closed. They would be closed probably again. If they were open, they would be closed. But we can have a bit of fun.

Leave it, Wolfie. I want that off the field. You can't eat beets. You're a dog. You're not a Russian human being. She's really eating it. Stop it, darling. Stop it.

Wolfie, come here. Come here. You're a bad dog. Drop it. It's not that ridiculous frozen beat. I've sent her in the wrong direction. Doesn't know what's hit her. And then I've thrown that off the...

Wolfie, come here. Wolfie, come here. I've managed to get away from her. It's gone, I think, the next part. Wolfie, come here. Wolfie! Oh, you little prick. She's got the beat again.

I mean, there's a huge tooth mark out there now. It was the whole beat. She's definitely swallowing some of it. Wolfie, leave it. Leave it. No, no, no. I tried to trick her and then accidentally dropped it. I'm going to place it in a tree so she can't get it.

And I'll always remember this beat as I walk past it. Yeah, that's your game over, innit? It was fun, Wolfie. It was fun, but we're here stone... We're not beat clearing. We're stone clearing. It's probably going to come past us.

It's written, Frozen Beats in Trees. Well, we have a mystery for the village to ponder over. Oh, I'm cold. I haven't picked a few things up. It's like death slowly working its way up my body from my fingertips. So far it's got about an inch up my fingers. This is what it'll be like to be dead.

Very like this. There's no one else out here. Ah, the people in my village. Oh, there's a stone just lying on top of the ground. Look at that. We'll give that to the thing I'm ringing. Try just in case it'll be near enough. Just in case.

The fairy folk are going insane. An inch of snow. And the people of this village don't know what to do with themselves. Oh, another stone, Wolfie, leave it. You can probably count how many stones I've picked up today. It's not many. And only one of them was above pebble size.

So in tonnage terms, this might be the worst stone clear we've ever had. So you can ring in three. No luck. But as anticipated, not surprised. Core. My picking fingers. I'm feeling particularly cold.

My other hand, my lead hand is okay. I might swap over. I might try to go left-handed. Sinister. I cut my kicking finger on a tin of sweet corn yesterday just from washing it up, trying to recycle it. No good deed remains unpunished.

I cut from the lid, sort of spun as I was spinning the lid to clean it. It caught my finger, the lid, as I spun the can. Quite a severe cut. It's not as bad as the cut I got out here. That's lead for several hours. I started breathing again in the evening. And not several hours.

Probably 45 minutes at night. Clamped with a tissue up against it. To no avail. The blood wants to leave my body just as the stones wish to leave the field. But if all the blood goes, then, you know, that's the end, isn't it? So you've got to be careful.

Yeah, nothing here, no stones. I mean, you can bring out some fire with you. So I'm going to blow torch, flamethrower. It does tend to draw attention to you, though, if you're sort of scorching the earth. And also then the stones can be quite hot to touch, which could warm you up if your hands are cold, but could burn you and mean you have action for some time.

So you must weigh up the risks and the benefits of suddenly fearing that this isn't recording. Well, look, because I mean, you wouldn't want to lose this gold, would you? That would be bad. I'm going to check whether it's recording. That's when it... Oh, yeah, just pull out that hand.

Looking nasty when there's a plaster on it. It's got that weird... Oh, God. I look like I'm already partially dead. Could all die sometimes, my friend, to prepare myself for your time. Maybe near. Ah!

But the great thing for me, of course, is I know after my death and my wall and these chapters will live on, I expect someone will. Once the secret is out and my identity is out, someone transcribe this just brings up the no-ending request. I've just dictated it as if it were a book.

And I think it will work as a book. I've been shouting at Wolfie, giving my wisdom, losing my train of thought a little bit. But I think the reader will understand that. They'll probably have to typeset it in a way to make it clear which bits... Wolfie, come here! I've just seen some gobs in the distance.

So, getting Wolfie on the beat. In fact, we're going to cut across this... You know, what's the point? There was a possibility of stones in the corner of the field, so it looks fairly covered, actually. But... Now there's someone coming. There's no chance of those.

Here's a stone. I might throw it. Oh, it's quite a big one. Or it's partly frozen to the earth. I'll try and throw it. Oh! Well, that's got a bit closer, and also broken off the bits that weren't stones.

So that's quite useful. A couple of beats. Wolfie. Where's the... Oh, no, not again. My headphones. I keep charging these fucking things. And they keep going.

So, we're at the same point. I do have another pair of earbuds. Maybe I should use those. Hopefully it won't lose you. Right, we're hoping to find the diagonal part. I haven't got a guess to where it is. Oh, there's three stone stars. They're working together.

My stars and the dogs are running from me, actually coming towards me. Quite a threatening manner that we've stopped now. Oh! They've been well trained to sniff out a stone, or built stone, right on top of this ground. Oh, that's frozen. Oh, it's a massive one,

but it's massive because it's got soil attached to it. Oh. That dog coming from Wolfie. No, stay. Stay. It's the one with the muzzle. You gonna be friends? Oh!

No, no, no, no. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. Nasty. That's a nasty doggy in it, Wolfie. You all right? Oh, you're all right, sweetheart.

You okay? Good girl. That's a nasty doggy. Oh, this stone in my hand is cold. It's only my left hand cold now. Matching them up. Come on. Keep moving.

Oh, there's a can. Those stone stars here. Keep your dog on the fucking leaves. It's gonna behave like that. Hypocrisy, perhaps. But my dog, no. Wolfie, she's muzzled that of the dog. She went too far, didn't she?

You don't like that one, do you? You were gonna be friendly, weren't you? Who are we gonna be friends? Ah. On we plod. Hoping the earbuds will survive. They did last time, I think, didn't they? Technology is one thing, isn't it, but enough?

When it comes down to it, nothing could go wrong with picking up stones. That's it. The batteries don't vary on picking up stones. I suppose the human battery eventually falters. It's got a couple of stones there. Very cold. And this is the problem when you have a long way to travel

to your destination. It's a... This is where stonkering gets serious. Dangerous, even. Another stone in the path, I'll take that one. I'm just slightly stuck to the snow. I think the water just enjoys the fact it's solid and can stick rather than run away,

and so that's why it tends to overdo it in terms of clinging into stuff. If you were just a liquid, you could never really truly hold or love another person unless they got inside you, then you'd be the same. If you suddenly went solid, you'd go fuck. I'm not letting go of a fucking thing.

So there's a bit of soil on that, which I don't really like, so I'll take the branch of that back out, but there's not much I can do. It will be washed away by the rain once the warmth of the rain comes. Now, I have a difficult position. I'm trying to find five stones to the stone pole, and that one's too solidly.

That's quite nice, but I'm so close to the central can. I have to throw that onto the central can. Whoop! We'll do our best. We'll do our best to the stone pole today. We might have to throw a beat at the stone pole, which... Now, the good thing is there is a tree right by the stone pole,

and that has... In the sunshine, the snow that's rested on its branches will have melted and fallen to the ground and melted the snow beneath, which should, theoretically, when we are working theoretically, say, oh, it's the... the vanity scooter lady.

Why is there a hand? She's usually in other areas. She's out on the field. It's so big, that dog. It's literally the size of a very large horse. People say... I say stuff like that. I can't get a photo of it right there,

without drawing attention to myself. People say, Richie, sometimes the thing... I'm not sure of the things you're saying. You'll see. I promise you, if that was a hot dog that big, that would be in the Guinness Book of Records. That would be on... Roy Castle would come to your village.

Ignores that word. Woody, that's my question to you. I've seen it in the past. Once upon a time, of course, Roy was on the lookout for that. But not anymore. Another beat. Well, she's missed time to run.

Big dog is looking at my tiny, compactly tiny dog. I'm going to let him... What's going on? What kind of dog is even is that big tail? It just looks animatronic. The dog is loitering around the stone pole area. If it wheezes on that stone pole, I will be very cross.

You must show respect to the stone pole. And that respect is demonstrated by chucking stuff at it. You can see how many times you can hit it. More beat, come here. All right, a couple of stones here. Can we get these beams up? Oh, that's a nice one. That's one.

That's two. That's a biggie. We are bringing up clubs of earth as well. Beat, beat, beat. Of course, in these conditions, it's even easier to mistake a beat for a stone because there's another squid in it. Oh, that's a nice, nice stone.

Really, these are too big for the stone pole, really. But as I predicted, underneath the tree. Plenty of stones. They're hard to get out of the grass. There's earth. It's a bit snowier than I thought, actually. Let's take a little one. No, don't come up.

Again, big fiddle. I mean, I should get 5 out of 5 here. The stones are almost the size of the distance because the stone pole wolf is already excited. I'll stand a bit further back to give a sense of composition. Oh, God, they're cold. Why? Why must we die?

Why can't we live forever? Come on, gobs. Make it so. Here we go. Just checking the way it's clear. Number one. Oh, I mean, the soil hit the pole. I'm not going to count it.

Out of my wolves. That was a clear hit, as you could hear. One out of two. Two out of three. Oh, miss. This is an important one. I just nicked it, and I'm going to count it. Three out of five.

Given the first one did also nick it, but with soil, not stone. I think three out of five was a fair assessment. Yellow snow there. Do avoid the yellow snow. That is the first rule of stone clearing. That is actually the first rule of stone clearing. Second rule.

Keep away from yellow snow. It looks enticing. It looks interesting. It looks delicious. And that one particularly was a deep lemon yellow. But it rarely is. It rarely is delicious. And it's usually quite dangerous here.

So those are the winter stone clearing rules. No rules. Number one rule two. Keep away from the yellow snow. Yellow snow. Wolfie does not know the rules. She can make some of the snow yellow. Of course, using your own urine to melt the snow

is a, ironically, conversely, quite a good tactic. So rule three of winter stone clearing is do not urinate before your trip to the field and attempt to melt as much snow as possible with your huge hose-like penis. Or, that's another... Oh, the sound of my earbuds dying. I have to hand over to Analog

because I don't want to end on a sexist note. Are we still going? It's still recording. I've got 1% left on my earbuds. Or, if you're weighing out of your female genitals, not your vagina like some people think. That's not where it comes out. Your urethra.

Your labia. I don't know what you want to call it. You can also do that, but it's obviously... You've got to choose your spot and go for it where it really was. With a male... Oh. We're going to move away from the dog here.

Then we're going to be scutillating for it to be coming back the other way. With a male urine delivery system, you're going to be able to direct it to a more fruit-like... Morning, how are you? I just want to keep the dogs away. It's fine.

I'm just keeping the dogs apart. It's fine. No, no, I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'll come straight back. Thank you. No, then she skipped her lady there. Claiming she was worried about me falling.

Again, the second time, I think in this many chapters that we've had what sounds like concern from the members of St. Stasi, but it comes across like a threat. Don't walk over there. I wouldn't want you to fall. It would be awful if you fell.

Don't fall over. You know what I'm saying. So we're coming up to the ditch and stop Brexit. Some of you quite angry. A lot of emails about that coming in. Here's one from Twiggy and Holly. I think Holly Willoughby and Twiggy.

And they don't put their surnames in. Twiggy doesn't have a surname. But I think more celebrities are getting involved in the emails. Sometimes siblings. They're still a celebrity to me. So Holly Willoughby and Twiggy Norman are saying, hey, what's going on?

I thought the ditch was going to stop Brexit. That was the whole point why you've been putting stones in there. And now Brexit has happened and I'm having to pay 20 pounds more on delivery of handbags from Europe. That's not why I voted for Brexit. I wish I hadn't voted for it now.

So we both do. Sorry, we're working together. We're writing this together. I can't give you our surnames because we're famous. You may be able to guess who we are, especially from Twiggy. Well, the ditch that's got Brexit works in

a mysterious way. It's wonderful to perform. And just wait is what I would say to Holly and the Twiggy and the rest of you as well. And the many, many other people who have been involved about that. Harry1967atgmail.com Please stop sending in.

If you've got a 20-something attractable and please stop sending in pictures of your naked body. So I know there is a stonkering interest in the snow in your agenda and your terms of being able to make your intermelt snow falls. And the stonkers are just coming around

in the corners so I can't effectively do an Alpha and Omega can. I've just kept the stonkering a bit closer to it. So that might be bad luck for an Alpha and Omega. The 1% earpods holding out somehow that has to say, I'm impressed with the battery retention of these things.

The life of them is declining. Luckily they produce this fantastic sound quality that we're used to. Any more emails before we rip from the bosom of this chapter of 91? Let's have a look. Dog antennae. Dog antennae has been in touch

from America. In America, dog is a male mate for a human. Dog antennae. It was actually, hey, I was one of the guys at the capitol, storming the capitol, don't tell anyone. I wasn't the one with the deer horns,

I was standing near him. I'm part of QAnon, or Quenon, or something to call it. Wolfs, come on. Come on. Oh, lots of dogs today. Is it true that Bill Gates has put the stones all over the field

in order to make you gavins together and then create a 5G mast that will destroy humanity? Yeah, that's what's happened. So well done. Dog antennae for realising that. Being clever enough to realise that and not being put off by people mocking your stupidity.

That's what Bill Gates has sent, doesn't say you're just an idiot. And sand firm. Sand firm, you please. I hope I sleep a bit, alright. We're back on the bin day. Oh, looks like, oh, the recycling's been already.

That's very impressive work from the recycling group. I'll just take everything for how my paper recycling looks like the way it goes. Suddenly pressed the wrong button there and very fearful that I've taped over everything I've done. It's still there, but I'm going to go have a look. Thanks for tuning in.

It'd be a shame to lose all that gold, wouldn't it? See you next time, if possible. To the stone, my friend. And they've a helping year merry dance. Don't listen to the birds and trees. Don't listen to your underpants. Listen to the stone. Listen to the stone.

And they, in turn, are living to you. My friend. My fine friend. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring, starred me, Richard Herring and Warfie the Dog, plus the Mobility Scooter Lady, that awful dog that attacked Warfie, lots of other dogs as well.

And thanks to all the celebrities who've emailed in, keeping me in, Herring1967 at gmail.com. No naked bodies, please. And stop doing that. The music is by my golf grave. The voice of the baton is my golferheen. Listen to the stones, my friend. And they, helping year merry dance.

Don't listen to the birds and trees. Don't listen to your underpants. Listen to the stone. Listen to the stone. And they, in turn, are living to you. My friend. My fine friend. Thank you.