Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE from JFL42 with Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Recorded live as part of JFL42 at the TIFF Bell Lightbox in Toronto on September 23rd, 2018. Thanks to Mathew Lewis (@Thelewt) for the photo. Come see Stop Podcasting Yourself LIVE this fall. Oct. 4 - Calgary Oct. 5 - Edmonton Oct. 6 - Saskatoon

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hey, you remembered. Thank you for remembering, they said. Oh, goodness. How's everybody doing? Thank you for coming down. Oh, we didn't think that you would. We were unsure. Well, it's 5 o'clock on a Sunday, so we expected you were all preparing your roasts. Yeah. You mean like a celebrity roast? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sunday night roast? Bruce Willis is coming over. I'm going to roast you while you watch Walking Dead or whatever happens on Sunday nights. It's so great to be back here in Toronto. Dave, you just got in yesterday. Tell me about it. You flew on an airplane. Oh, boy, baby.

Carry-on only. Uh-huh. Window seat? You know it! Yeah! One more thing. I got an exit row, an exit row. You texted me when you were about to leave,

and you're like, I ate a Carl's Jr.'s. It was a mistake. So, okay, what happened is uh i was i remember one time i was leaving super early in the morning from vancouver uh and i posted a picture of this huge lineup at carl's junior uh in the airport at seven in the morning and i had an instagram like, why is there such a long lineup? And people wrote, like, oh, Dave, the breakfast burrito at Carl's Jr. is phenomenal. And, like... I believe it.

Yeah. And so I was like, oh, let's see what gate this Carl's Jr. one is at. And so I... First of all, I looked up that old Instagram post that is burned in my memory from 81 weeks ago. And I went and I said, there was no lineup this time. No, words out. Yeah.

And I said, one breakfast burrito. And they said, sure, here you go. Like, it was already ready. Yeah, yeah. That's a bad sign, here you go. Like, it was already ready. Yeah, yeah. That's a bad sign. Here you go. And, yeah, no, bad, bad. Oh, no, they sponsor the festival.

Carl's Jr. is a major festival sponsor. Just the breakfast burrito, though. Yeah. And I've been here a couple days and you had uh one of your weathers that you had was hot wind was happening toronto's famous hot wind coming from every direction if you turn left more hot wind right more hot wind uh i saw a girl driving down the street and she was popping out of the

sunroof for fun because she was a dog and she got hit so hard with a leaf that like I could hear she was in the middle of the street and I was on the sidewalk and I could hear her like... Who here is familiar with our show? All right.

Not everybody. Not everyone. Yeah, it's weird that you're here if you don't know it. But it's this. Yeah, it's this, and then a little dash of that. Yeah. And you'll know the that when it comes up. You'll get it.

What, is that it? Oh. Did you do anything else? No, last night I went out and had drinks, and I went to a bar that was in one room of the bar was just a regular bar and then the other room was hosting a mushroom party. So it was people who had just taken mushrooms.

What is that? That's it. I mean, it's very quiet and weird and lots of people lying on the floor and there was one guy flashing lights in another guy's eyes. And nobody buying drinks. I think the bar was like, this is a zero. This is no good.

But do you need a license for that? What's the zoning? Yeah. I don't know. I think it was just like it was a Facebook group meetup of mushroom. Huh? I want to say, what do you call mushroom? Psycho. I don't know. I think it was just like it was a Facebook group meetup of mushroom. Huh. I want to say, what do you call mushroom? Psycho.

Yeah. Somatic. There you go. But they're a peaceful bunch. There was one guy talking on his phone. He was talking on his phone like it was an old-timey two-piece phone like he would talk he would say yes and anyways and where we were sure there was nobody on the other end anyways important and then he would hold up for the answer yes exactly yes go on i'm listening

so he was having the time of his life. They're very peaceful, the mushroom people. They're not trying to screw up anybody's good time. I remember that Peter, Paul, and Mary song. Very peaceful, the mushroom people. But if you've never been to a live podcast of ours, it's this. And then also we'll introduce our guests and then we'll talk to them

for a while. And then we do a segment called Overheard. And that's where we share things that are funny that are overheard. And then you'll have an opportunity to do the same. There's microphones here at the end of the show. You can share something hilarious you've overheard or overseen or whatever.

I guess maybe I already blew mine with the lady getting chopped with the leaf. What was the overheard? Anything else before we? On my flight, I was sitting next to two people a couple and they were watching they were so annoying but like they were keeping to themselves

I just found things to be annoyed at they were watching Killing Eve they had a headphone splitter they were like ready for the plane and they I guess had They had a headphone splitter. They were ready for the plane. Yeah, yeah. And they, I guess, had downloaded a season of Killing Eve.

Yeah. And they were watching the three-minute featurettes between the episodes. And I was like, guys! The flight is, like, life is ending. Life is ending a minute at a time. You don't need to... But the most annoying thing they did is they would watch it and they would hit play. And then they wouldn't move their cursor away from the play button.

Oh, boy. Come on. So they'd watch the whole episode with the back, forward, and pause button in the middle. That's a weird kink that couple has. I was tempted to just give it a little nudge. I sat next to two guys that did not know each other

who talked for the entire four hour flight. Like they were old chums. But I know they weren't because the way that he sat down at the beginning of the flight they weren't friends. By the end of the flight, best chums ever. Do you think they'll stay friends?

Yeah, I mean, we all made a pact to get back, to meet back on that plane a year from now. I made a pact to lose my virginity before the end of the flight. That Stifler's a bad influence on you. Yeah, well, but his mom's such a move. Oh, boy. Those movies really hold up. Do you know?

That's the thing. People don't realize. They really pass the... The Bestel test? Well, sure. Oh, boy. Well, this is such a treat to be here. Should we bring out our guest?

No. No? Okay. Yeah, okay. This gentleman, oh, oh, so funny, one of the favorite guests of this here show. We're just so happy that he was able to do this. Please, a big, warm round of applause for Mr. Paul F. Tompkins, everybody. Hello.

Here we all are. Hello. It's good to see you, boys. Good to see you, Paul. Although, this is not the first we're seeing each other today, is it? Do we want to... Roll the clip. Get to know us.

Get to know us. I shouldn't say roll the clip in a movie theater because they probably roll clips. Yeah, they have to. They're cursed. Before we get going, when Paul came out on stage, one guy in the front row stood up, gave a standing ovation, looked behind him, saw no one else standing up, sat down. Who was that person? Thank you very much.

Absolutely. Your shirt reminds me of delicious Neapolitan ice cream. Yeah. With just two flavors, and one of them is blue? And the other one's peach. Peach and blueberry. That could pass? Yeah. And the other one's peach? Peach and blueberry. That could pass for strawberry. Yes.

Come on, Graham. Sorry. Graham's kind of a, you know how some people are super tasters? He's like a super color guy. Yeah. A super color guy. You know, peach, salmon, he has all the ones. That's why they call him a super color guy.

Everyone's so, but Graham, sorry. Is it me or is it him? We're always like this. Look how spread out everyone is. Everyone's afraid that they're going to think they're gay. Because we're in a movie theater.

Is there too much light on the audience? I feel like I can see every individual feature of every person. That's not how shows are supposed to be. Yeah, it's funny, too, because I don't know what a crowd looks like You know what I mean? And now I do What's great about the crowd is It's a black, shapeless mass

And then it becomes its own organism But now look, I can see how separate you are And it sickens me It makes me sick to my stomach They all go back to different houses at the end. Oh, Dave! I guess if you'd ever been in a movie, you'd be able to see what the audience is like,

because we're in a movie theater. You're saying if you were trapped in a movie, Purple Rose of Cairo style. This wouldn't be so shocking to you. This would be your everyday where do you think the movie people go at the end of the movie the people that are in the movie I think they just retreat back there

have a snack, wait for the next showing yeah I think they go back to ones that's what I think, they go back to the very their first pose in the movie they're waiting for the words to go away can we turn the house lights down a little bit? No? Why?

It must suck to watch movies here. Yeah. Lights are just... Oh, there we go. Isn't that nicer, guys? Thank you very much. And it had that kind of movie-going experience

of when the lights go down. Now the real show is done. Yeah, yeah. So then we leave the stage three other guys come in. There's a chain in Los Angeles called the Arclight where before the movie... Oh, I don't know. I've never listened to a podcast before. Paul, tell me about everything in LA.

Where does the Americana end and the Galleria begin? Dave, you know the Arcade is just west of Gower Street and it's... There's one in Sherman Oaks, though. That's right.

Before the movie, a guy comes out, or gal. It is 2018, after all. It's true. The person comes out and they tell you about the movie that you're about to see. They don't give any spoilers. They just tell you who directed it.

They tell you who's in it. And then they walk you through how to be in a movie theater. Like, if you have any problem with the sound, get up out of your seat, go complain about it to somebody who looks like me

and then see what happens. But I don't know if other places have started adopting this. You know how restaurants start to adopt the same weird phrasing? Like, they ask you questions and then you hear a weird question at one restaurant, and then after a while, everybody's asking, like, how were first bites? Yeah.

Do you remember your first bite? How were first bites? Now they ask you about your desert island discs. We went to the baseball game. Yes. That's what we did. That's what we did. Well, yeah.

You know what? Everybody tried really hard. And that was... They did. Yeah. I like sometimes when you're at a baseball game and someone else in the stands will compliment one of the players who didn't swing at a pitch by saying, good eye.

Like, that's a professional baseball player. There was one guy who he was just yelling things, just crazy, crazy one-liners. And my favorite of it was, that's why you're not going to be here next season, Gibbs. He was talking about the umpire. This guy was so mad. He was so mad at the umpires. The home plate umpire? Oh, he was steamed.

At one point he was so impassioned he just went, come on up! But then the first base umpire called a guy out, called one of the Blue Jays out, and it was pretty close. It looked like he was safe. And that's when the guy named him. Yeah. I got some inside gossip about how long you're going to be with the team.

Who knows that much about umpires and their work schedules? Maybe that's what he's there for. He's just watching an umpire game. The rest of the baseball, to him, that's just window dressing. That good eye was for the umpire. Yeah. Or maybe he was Australian.

Mate. I heard the Blue Jays song for the first time. I'd never heard that before. I'd never heard it before either. The one they play at the seventh inning stretch. Before a very brisk take me out to the ball game. I commend you on the speed at which that is dispensed. A lot of other stadiums could take a page out of the Toronto book.

But that Blue Jays song, that was something else. I'd never heard that before. Okay, Blue Jays, let's play ball. Okay, Blue Jays. Okay, Blue Jays, let's play ball. It's time to make it happen right now. I like to throw and I like to catch. It reminded me of those country songs. It's just like a list of things.

It's like, let's just name check a lot of our favorite stuff. Getting a hot dog, drinking a beer. It's like, we're about to sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. This covers a lot of the same territory. We're going to sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. This covers a lot of the same territory. We're going to sing that song that everyone likes. That song that everyone likes. Now, Paul, you're a big baseball head. I am.

What is your problem with Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Take Me Out to the Ball Game at Dodger Stadium. I'd really trip them up. What's that? I'd really trip them up with that one. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know

that was going to be a gotcha podcast. It's a bit of a dirge. I don't like when people get so excited to scream the name of their team. Like, as if it's...

Because what it sounds like to me is like they think that someone else is going to say the name of the opposing team, and they have to make sure... We've got to make sure we're louder. It's like we're all... Pretty much, we're all here for the same...

I think you're in the clear. But at Dodger Stadium, that's rude. Rude, rude for the dodgers like just furious and it's you know it's a i guess it's from some old musical oh really yes there's a story behind it where this young man is courting this woman and he's offering to take her all these fancy places and she's like, you know what, if you really want to win me over, here's what

you got to do. Have you ever watched Ken Burns baseball nine hour documentary? Yes, I have. And there are maybe a hundred versions of that song in there. Do you think they released the soundtrack with all the different versions of Take Me Out to the Ballgame?

Just different, like, oh, this is a slow ragtime piano. This is a quick ragtime piano. This is a boogie-woogie version. There's no other baseball songs? Is that the only one? I mean, there's John Fogerty's Centerfield. Oof.

There's Basketball by Curtis Blow. Yeah, that's true. The Outfield was a band. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's it. All right. Paradise by the Dashboard Light has a little sex euphemism. That's right.

Phil Rizzuto shows up at one point. True. I don't know enough about the song to confirm or deny that. Yeah, the spoken word part where it's just a guy doing a baseball game, but really it's about two people fucking on a car. It was a classier time. It was a classier time. Didn't hit us over the head with it, you know?

At the game, they gave away, there was some game where they were giving away a car. It's a selfie contest. First of all, it's not a contest. They pick three people that have taken what I consider to be very workmanlike selfies. They're submitted to the Blue Jays organization. Then they pick three people. Then they pick three people Then they have this board

That shuffles the selfies around With a picture of One of the players holding a fish Kevin, what's his name? What? Kevin Pillar Like a vacation photo of him holding a fish His own selfie

And then the Blue Jays' fun mascot Jason Oh, J Ace Ace of Base, right? And then the Blue Jays' fun mascot... Jason. Oh, Jay. Yeah, Ace. Ace of Base, right? Because of baseball? Yeah.

That's right. And because years later we'll find out he's a white nationalist. Allegedly. Is that an Ace of Base problem? Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't know. It's not an Ace of Bates solution, fam. I thought all they wanted was another baby. A white baby.

So Ace is blindfolded. Which, can I call bullshit on this? I know those aren't his real eyes. I know he's got a hole somewhere in his head. That's where he sees out of. But when they first put a thing around his mouth, it looked like he was being gagged. Yeah, that's right.

So they blindfold Ace, and then he presses a button which shuffles the things around. He doesn't need to be blindfolded. If this machine is shuffling the pictures around, why can't he see that? So then it picks one of the pictures at random, and then that person gets a car. Right. A whole car. gets a car. Right.

A whole car. A whole car. It's fan appreciation weekend, so we picked one fan to get a Honda. That's right. And the person was not over the moon. They were smiling. Yeah, they weren't displeased. Very neutral.

Yeah. Very neutral. Yeah. Very neutral. And then... And then a few pitches later... Yeah, they came back, and everybody else... They'd given a car to everybody else. Not everybody else. The other two selfie people.

Yeah. But it was like a reveal of like, can we just hold you guys here? Like, they must have been behind the scenes. Can we hold you guys here for a while while this woman gets her car? Yeah, we know you lost. Please stay here. Stay here. Don't enjoy any more of the game.

And then they come back, and they said, well, it's really disappointing you both lost. How about you both get cars too? The movie with Owen Wilson. And so they gave him a DVD. And he just really fucked with them for 45 minutes. They gave him one copy of Cars 2 to share.

Have you seen the first one? Because you'll need to. But then, no, three of them got Hondas. One guy was very pleased. Yeah. He was making the right face for winning a car. Yeah. The other lady, even though she'd already lost, and they said, psych, you won a car.

She was like, oh. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, okay. That checks out. My selfie was pretty good. These selfies were bad. Yeah, okay. That checks out. My selfie was pretty good. These selfies were bad. Yeah, they were bad.

They were bad selfies. Yeah. Maybe that's why Ace was blindfolded. Because he would have called it all off. Ace also has a son or something. He has like a little child. He wanted another baby. Yeah, it's all that he wanted.

It's all he wanted. Can you name a third Ace of Base song? Because I know you can name the sign. Have we named two? Well, no, but you can name the sign. Yeah, so there's the sign. There's all that she wants. It's a beautiful life. Ah, yes. Damn. There's all that she wants. There's...

It's a beautiful life. Ah, yes. Damn. How's that go? It's a beautiful life. When you're wet. Yes. Now that lyric...

Now that I can hear it in context. Yeah. I think you want to hear it as something else, but now you know it's a beautiful life when you're white. And he says it like that. When you're white. Stop singing. When you're white.

They got the guy from the Barbie Girl song to come over and... You're probably a Nazi too, right? Oh yeah. I'm a Klaus Barbie Girl song to come over. You're probably a Nazi too, right? Oh yeah. I'm a Klaus Barbie Girl. Mixed reaction to that one. What, did you just win a new car?

My friends went and saw that band, Aqua. Yeah, they're on a tour Yeah. They're on a tour now. Yeah, they're on a tour. And my friend said they came out for an encore, and they played a brand new song for their encore. That's bold. Yeah. It was bold, and it was not rewarding.

I don't know Aqua. Is it like a three or four 90s bands? No, it's them and their opening act is the... Tarot? No, it's a 90s cartoon act called... The Aquabats? Oh. No, Prozac.

Yeah. Canadian. What? Yeah, Canadian. They're a 90s cartoon No, Prozac. Yeah. Canadian. What? Yeah, Canadian. They're a 90s cartoon band called Prozac? Yeah. Yeah, they were the... What? I realize it makes no sense.

Yeah. What makes them those things? They didn't have bodies, and they were only drawings. Yeah. They were like they were like Elvin and the Chipmunks. Like gorillas. Somebody was trying to do a Milli Vanilli work around

and they're like, why even hire two guys? Let's just draw people. Yeah. Were they drawn human beings or drawn creatures? Drawing little cartoon men. Not computer animation or anything. A flip book?

A flip book, yeah. They were 2D gentlemen. And it was that, and then it was something, it was a Canadian thing called the Much Video Dance Party. They had that, and then Aqua. Tarzan Dan opened it. References, eh? Well, now I have to know who Tarzan Dan is.

Oh, he hosted the YTV Hit List. That's where you would have seen the Moffats. The Moffats. The Moffats. Canada's Hanson. Isn't Hanson Canada's Hanson? No. Are they American? They're American. So we created our own Moffats.

Moffat was three siblings? Four. Triplets plus one. What? Triplets plus one. We created our own. Moffat was three siblings? Four. Four. Oh, what better? Triplets plus one. What? Triplets plus one. Oh, no, really? That was the original name of the band.

They were workshopping. It's so awkward, though, because you know the plus one shouldn't be there. But the parents were like, you take along. I guess. If you have three identical people, that's your band, The End. Because then the other one looks like he auditioned really well, and they're like, you know what? He's so good. Let's make a space for him.

It's like they were quadruplets and one of them got kicked out. Of the womb? What? No, but he was the most, like, he was gorgeous. Tarzan Dan? Yeah, Tarzan Dan. As you can imagine. Rippling biceps.

Wearing a singlet. Yeah. Tarzan Dan, he was, so he was a presenter for YTV. YTV, which is the youth television. Youth television. Is that what it's for?

So they would have videos on YTV that were like, were not even on much music. It would be things that only kids like. But this is before Kidz Bop, where they would just take... Well, Kidz Bop dates back to the Stone Age. How old is Kidz Bop?

I think we had Kidz Bop albums in the 80s. Really? Yes. I'm Marjorie Kidz Bop. Nice to know you remember my company What were the 80s kids spa pits then? Purple Rain Yeah

Princess Hulk catalog Yeah So what was she doing in the hotel lobby If she wasn't masturbating with a magazine Oh she was captivating me So serene That was pretty good It was Graham

I have no problem with it Graham Graham If you're a grandfather What are you going to make the grandkids call you? Boss or hoss. They choose. You said boss so confidently out of the gate. I think boss is a good one to call your grandfather. Hey, boss.

Call me boss. Dave, what about you? Undercover boss. Call me boss. Dave, what about you? Undercover boss. You're going to show up at their work? Yeah. Who's my little sweetie? You're going to get the trip at the end. I've never seen an episode

of Undercover Boss. Oh, well, someone gets a trip at the end. Okay. Is it always a trip? No, someone gets like... They get something that they need. Yeah. Because their boss is terrible.

Yeah. They don't make a living wage. Yeah. So he picks one employee to make their life better, and then the other employees don't. In an episode, they'll go undercover as three or four different things. No, really? No, well, they'll go undercover with three or four different things. No, really? No, well, they'll go undercover with three or four different other people.

So I think the costume might change. They're always wearing a costume. They always have like Keith Urban hair and glasses that clearly, like those Howie Mandel glasses with a camera in the middle. Keith Urban Hair. And she stood there with her Keith Urban Hair and those Howie Mandel glasses. And they'll be going to like, you know, whatever,

the Coit. I'm going to go undercover with Coit and go carpet cleaning with them. Is Coit a person? Coit and go carpet cleaning with them. Is Coit a person? Coit is a carpet cleaning company. Started by Tarzan Dan. Is Coit not international? I tried to pick the most international company there is.

Coit, cleaning the globe's carpets Wait now I've never seen an episode of Undercover Boss Really? No and I never will Hear me gone So neither of you have? No

Here's what I imagine happens And then we'll go Graham And then Dave you tell us what happens. So there's the boss. Puts on a terrible disguise that how could anyone not realize? But they might not know who this boss is because it's a big company. It's not like he's there every day and like, hey, why are you wearing that? He's just some weirdo that's like, I don't know why that guy's pretending to be somebody.

And then he's there for some flimsy reason, right? And he's there multiple days, gets to know the employees and their sad, crushing stories. He realizes things could and should be different. One person he takes a shine to is the most miserable person. That person gets a special prize.

We are led to believe things will be different after that, but we know that they won't be. Graham? I picture much the same scenario. The only difference I picture is that some of these bosses maybe started at the low level uh entry level and work their way up through the company and so they haven't

worked that job for 30 odd years and they're doing it the old-fashioned way and their co-workers are like why are you making the patties by hand and he's like you don't do that anymore. They come pre-made now. He's very out of touch. That's what I picture. Wait, if the patties come pre-made, where is he getting the raw patty material? He brought it in a sack from home.

Which back in his day, that's what you did. Go to slaughter your own cows and bring in the meat. I realized the second I said it, was like there's a huge logic flaw Here Just be cool Nobody will call you out Where did you get all that meat

This is a carpet cleaning company This is Coit Coit When I worked at Coit We brought in meat Then we vacuumed it up All over the world Can't believe Coit's not international

I mean It might be You must have filthy carpets at home I do What really happens is You're basically right The only flaw is that it's

like he's like the CEO or whatever. So they wouldn't know him because they are, you know, they're knee deep in shag carpet. And they so, yeah, like but he shows up and sometimes she shows up. In a Keith Urban

wig. Yeah. They have the one wig. It's the same wig. Yeah. They have the one wig. It's the same wig. Yeah, every time. The weird ruse is, you'll be training this guy today, and we're filming it. Right. And he looks weird. Don't tug on his hair.

That should be standard in every workplace. But, so they'll bounce from like three or four employees. Oh, yeah, you know, oh, it's tough for a single mom to clean carpets all day. You get a, you have a, you know, your son needs a filing cabinet for. That's the parties. Yeah. For his trophies. He needs a filing cabinet for his trophies.

You briefly mentioned you have a son, so I assume he needs a filing cabinet. For all his trophies. Pride is a sin. And the, but one, one of the people who trains them is like a bad person. What do you mean? On purpose?

Like, well, I think they probably picked someone to be the heel. Oh, sure. So this guy gets punished. And what's the punishment? He has to go back to kindergarten and complete it all. Oh, no. Oh, wow. In a week.

Wow. So he'll be like mean when he's training the undercover boss. Yeah, or he'll cut corners or something. Oh, shit. Like just try to get through his life, and that's bad. Yeah. Your hair fell in the soup, Toreen. Your wig.

Yeah. Your whole head of hair fell into the soup. Your glasses with a camera in hair fell into the soup. Your glasses with a camera in them fell in the soup. I'd love to see that footage. As it tumbles into the soup? Yeah, I would like to see that too. It would be

fun to see the soup rising up. Just to hear him swear as they does anyone watch the show am I right about the bad guy okay people find something else yeah undercover boss is really wearing us all down mm-hmm is there is it the same network that does What Would You Do?

John Quinones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen that? Yes. I have not seen it in a while. I'm pleased to find out it's still on. It is still on, yeah. But I love his different phrasings of What Would You Do? It's like,

What Would You Do? And then sometimes it's very accusatory, like, what would you do? Like, he knows you think you've got it all figured out. Right. He's like, what would you do? You think you're so great. For people who don't know this show, it's... Let me guess.

Okay. Yeah. They have a boss. He puts on a terrible disguise. He goes into a place. He puts poison in a drink. Then he says to the camera, shh,

that he tiptoes out, really exaggerated. Then another person comes in and says, Hey, did you see that guy who put poison in the drink? And then you're the person that either says yes or no. Oh, like it's an audience participation. That's right. Don't drink it!

They tell you when to boo. It's real panto. A person drinks a drink, they die. You have to clap to bring them back to life. Then, John Quinones, he says, what would you do? He puts a little spice on it. Yeah.

Graham? It's all... I think it's all... It's like impossible. Like if somebody has a big thing, a big package of money. A tureen. Yeah, a tureen of money

and money spilling out on the ground and then somebody sees the ground and then, you know, somebody sees the money and then they pause it and they go, you know, what would you do? And, you know,

then the person steals the money and they don't know they're being filmed but that's why they have to blur out their face because they didn't sign the form at the end. That's right.

And they get to keep that money. Oh, they get to keep the money. Yeah. Whatever they grabbed off the ground. And it's real money? It's not stage money. It's real money. No. It's got. And they get to keep that money. Oh, they get to keep the money. Yeah. Whatever they grabbed off the ground. And it's real money. It's not stage money. It's real money. It's got junk. And it's that every time. That's every time. Yeah. If you get the money, if you're

able to steal the poor person's money, then you get to keep whatever you stole. But as long as... You answer the question, what would you do? Well, I would take the money as I demonstrated Do you need me to say it out loud? I just did it

Dave, how close did we come? Well, it's the boss of a terrine company Local or worldwide? It's a worldwide terrine company Coit Terrines You know what the show is. Who cares? Well, it's moral dilemmas, right?

So they set up these scenarios, hidden camera, where somebody sees something terrible happen and then they have to decide if they're going to intervene or not. A guy yelling at someone in a restaurant. That's right. A kid getting thrown at a beach.

Thrown at a restaurant. That's right. A kid getting thrown at a beach. Yeah. Thrown at a beach. From the parking lot. Yeah. Should we move on to another segment of the show? Yeah, let's move on to... What will it be? Overheards. Yeah!

Alright, alright? Overheard. Yeah! Alright, alright. Overheard. Now, if you have never listened to the show before, these are funny things that we've overheard. Let me guess who it is. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. I feel like

a boss puts on a disguise. He hides in a closet like Jay Leno in that movie about late night talk shows. He listens for what employees say about him. And if his disguise is bad, then at the end, he gives people cars. Graham? gives people cars? Graham? It's very similar to what you said.

Only this time he hides in a soup tureen. It's a big tureen. Or a little boss. Could you respect a boss that was little enough to hide in a soup tureen? I'd be afraid he was always around. I'd be afraid I would step on him.

Yeah, there'd be no goofing off because you're like, Oh, boss might be watching. I didn't hear anyone come in the air duct today. Would they have like a little doggy door for him to enter and exit? How tiny is the boss? What? How tiny is the boss? He's Tareen sized.

He can fit in a Tareen. How big do you think a Tareen is, Graham? You think a Tareen is that big? Yeah. Now imagine being able to consider yourself inside a Tareen. Yes. Yes. That's a small boss.

That's a small boss. He can't reach the doorknob. How did he rise so far up in the company? He wanted it. He wanted it bad. Yeah, it's not the size of the dog in the fight. Yeah, it's the size of the fight in the dog. That's right. Overhearts. Yeah. Right? It's the size of the fight in the dog. That's right. Overhearts.

Yeah. These are things. We sent out a hidden camera crew to overhear things. To do weird stuff for people to overhear. We always like to start with the guest. Oh, that's me. Yes. Guys, I'm fresh off of a trip to London.

Cheerio. Is that from The Crown? Yeah, I was Lord Mountbatten. I was in a London taxi cab, one of those black cabs. I love them so much. Very civilized. There's a lot of room in there.

You know what I mean? They need to know the knowledge, the drivers. They need to know the knowledge. It is tough. Apparently it's really hard to become a taxi cab. Yeah, you have to take a crazy test. You have to know all the streets of the world. Let's see. If I were to tell you

that you're from America, west of Gower, near the arc light, Blue Jays way. So I overheard the cab driver having a telephone conversation

in the front seat, and I will let you know, this is a little bit of a spoiler, but it's a fun thing to look forward to. He ended the conversation the way all British people end, which is by becoming a small child who doesn't know how to get off the phone. This is a thing that all

British people have in common. Somebody's nodding. It takes them a long time to say goodbye on the phone. So listen for that. I wrote it down as it was happening. Hello, Chris?

Yes, it's all right. I've got my earpiece in. No one can hear. Where do they live? And what time? What time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, then.

Now, are you sure you're happy for McGlashan to be released on paul brian chris i laughed out loud it was beautifully constructed when you said i have to go south of the river if any knight has a problem with, they're in the wrong job. Lovely. Alright then, Chris, I'll see you later. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Chris. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Now, was he being sent to murder someone? And who was this knight that his friend Chris insulted, like roasted this guy bad, but had to laugh at it? If a knight can't laugh at that, he's in the wrong job. It was Sir Paul McCartney. Dave, do you have a... I heard Paul McCartney jacked off with John Lennon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about that? I think it's great. Yeah. You know what? I think I'm going to write a book about how if you really want to be successful, you've got to do You know what? I think I'm going to write a book about how if you really want to be successful, you've got to do 10,000 hours

at your craft and just jack off with your co-crafter. Your co-crafter. I get to wear this. For the home listener, Graham is wearing assless chaps. All

chaps are assless. Am I right? It's true. No, I mean... My overheard... Dave, Dave. This is something I overheard you eat. Can we talk about your pants? Yeah, okay. So, uh... Start at the beginning. That's a very good place to start.

What happened is a couple weeks ago, so my daughter takes ballet class, and I was showing off to my... Oh, and my wife, Abby, has started taking bar method. Sure. I don't know what that is. It's a bunch of tiny movements. But I was like,

oh, it's like ballet. Look how high I can kick. And so I kicked super high. Like, high as the coat rack. Yeah. But it was the boss's coat rack. A little tiny. A little tiny coat rack.

Not that high of a kick. And we all heard it. It was just in our kitchen. Rip. My pants ripped. And then getting... Before the show, they asked us if we wanted beer on stage,

and I went, I want beer on stage. Oh, yeah, so Abby fixed my pants. But before the show, I said, I want beer on stage. I want beer on stage. I was doing a little dance, and I don't know if you can see. Yeah.

He's doing a little jig. I was doing a little dance, and I don't know if you can see. Well, I've got some assless pants right now. The best part is it's the same pair of pants. Yeah. So, but like, here's the thing. The part she fixed, it's fine. That's right. Oh, wow.

That's right. She fixed the front. It's the thing. The part she fixed, it's fine. That's right. Oh, wow. That's right. She fixed the front. It's the back there. So I'm sitting. But this is how I sit. Yeah. No one noticed. No one would have noticed.

Here's my overheard. But it's a fun story. And Dave, what I like about it is it makes you human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really humanizes me. Anyway, here's a story of my overheard. I don't know if this will humanize me as much. So I was scratching my, I was biting my own balls.

That really turns you into kind of a dog man. Gets away from being human. It dehumanized you. I was eating Purina puppy chow. No, so last night I went to see Graham's show at the Comedy Bar. Yep. Why not? He has another one tonight at 11, right?

11 o'clock. At the Garrison. Oh, at the Garrison. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Sounds like cause for a standing ovation. Yeah. Ah, yes.

Now, see it? Oh, no. Oh, man. I could really go for some ice cream. And in the back of my mind, I was like, hmm, I'd like to have a hamburger. But I'd like to earn it. So I'm going to walk an hour back to the hotel. And so I did that.

And as I was walking down Queen Street, I just, like, I didn't stop walking. But I heard 10 seconds of this guy talking, and he was describing his hand. Describing his hand? Get this. He was saying, he was a young, hip, white guy, and he said, just wrapped it up in gauze. Next day, went down to Chinatown, went to the best herbalist I know,

and said, look at this. Check this out. I know a bunch of herbalists. This one's the best. Try fixing this with plants. Rub a fern on it. Portlandia. Bomb Pop.

That's what it reminds me of. It's not Neopolinus because there's a band of white at the bottom of the shirt. So you got your blue and then you got your sort of reddish and then you got your white. I mean, it's really more of a peach.

What's that? It's what? Salmon. Oh, it's salmon. It's his shirt. We got to go with him. Graham's a super color guy. It's true. That's his shirt. We got to go with him. Graham's a super color guy. It's true. That's how he got that job.

Commenting on baseball games. Oh, boy. Graham. My overheard came... I went to get a veggie dog. Here it comes. I ate a veggie dog and I was still hungry. it comes. I ate a veggie dog, and I was still hungry.

I wanted another, but I didn't want to go back because there was still the... You didn't want to walk an hour to earn it. There was still the same people were around the hot dog cart, so I walked around the block. You either got to order them both at the same time. Yeah, exactly. I can't go back again excuse me I was just here Can I just cut to the front I know what I want I'm going to get the same thing

Can I get a refill of this hot dog I just need the bun You can just put it in the same paper That's fine So I did a block To come back and there were new people there. And on that

walk, I passed by two women and one woman was giving the other woman advice about you can't, you gotta freeze them out. You gotta freeze them out. You can't call them. You just don't get in touch with them at all. That's how this is going to go.

Is this Dua Lipa? What's that? Graham, Dua Lipa is a singer who has a song about the rules. Oh, I see. Okay. I only know about that song because of kids, Bob. The only version I know

Really? Yeah, it's true Do they keep the Do they change the lyrics? They change the lyrics, yeah Oh, okay Yeah, yeah What are the rules in Kidz Bop?

Eat all your vegetables That's right Do your homework before TV Don't worry, we made it So the whole family can listen to the song. And no one wants to. So yeah, she was listing off all these things. You've got to freeze them out.

You're not going to contact them at all. And she doesn't even wait a whole beat before she goes, I'm going to text them. You know what? I'm going to text him. I don't like this system that you set up. And that's how you play the game. Now, as I said off the top of the show,

there's microphones set up. If anybody in the crowd wants to get up and share their overheards, now is the time. Now we can have the house lights on. Here we go. And can I say very quickly on the subject of hot dogs, should we all stand up for this? Yeah. Stand up. When I go to

see a baseball game at Dodger Stadium, I'll order two Dodger dogs because the hot dogs are very long and skinny. Right. And so two is like the perfect amount. And then I had my usual two hot dog order at the stadium today. They're different kinds of hot dogs. They're long and loose and full of juice.

They're like the hot dogs you boil up in a pot at home. And I regretted it. And I ate both of them. And then I regretted it even more. A double regret. Yeah, and then I felt like, because Dave ordered one hot dog and I was like, oh, I look like a monstrous pig ordering two hot dogs.

Dave is going to judge me. Yeah. And you did, right? Why wouldn't you? But I wasn't going to mention it on stage. No, that was for me to do. So you can stop thinking about it, Dave. You there, you seem to have an overheard. I do. What's your name? Kyle.

Hi, Kyle. Kyle, can I tell you something? Sure. I listened to the last episode from here in Toronto, and the people's overheards were filthy. Am I wrong? No, you're right. They were disgusting. But it was, we were in a porn theater, and it was

We're doing a tour of Canada's porn theater right now. Okay, I'll try to clean it up for you. All right. Thank you, Kyle. So I was walking by a couple in a pretty empty restaurant. I was walking here, and I could hear a couple that was on a date. And you could tell by the way they were talking, they were still getting

to know each other. Much like you guys. I heard her say, you know what? I really don't like paying bills, paying taxes. Honestly, if I could just win the lottery and never have to do that again, I would. And the guy said,

really? lottery and never have to do that again, I would. And the guy said, Really? Kyle, everybody. Oh, boy. If I could win the lottery, I would. And then I wouldn't have to pay bills anymore. You are an interesting person. Why am I prevented from winning the lottery?

Let's go over here now. Hello. Hello. I'm Sean. Hi, Sean. The other day I was at a busy intersection and a car pulled up behind another car and just laid on the horn really loud,

but it wasn't obvious to anyone why. And then a guy next to me just turned to me and said, Ha! Honk if you're horny. It worked. It worked. All day long, that guy must be. Rules are rules.

I was going to wait until I got home, but... I'm sorry, I'm horny. I'm sorry, I'm just horny. Back here. Hi, my name's JD. Hi, JD. What does this stand for? Jason David.

Oh, cool. Thanks. All right, later. I was at a Dairy Queen, and two Jehovah's Witnesses and a third guy sat down in the booth beside me. Don't do jokes.

No, I'm not. I swear, sir. I swear. No, I am not presuming that they were trying to convert this man because the moment they sat down, they went, so you're thinking about converting to Jehovah's Witness, being a Jehovah's Witness. And they had a very casual conversation about that. And then the leader of the two Jehovah's Witnesses, the more senior of the two, said,

there's a lot of famous Jehovah's Witnesses, actually. Did you know Beck is a Jehovah's Witness? And the guy said, no, I think he's a Scientologist. And the guy said, oh, no, no, he's a Jehovah's Witness. And then the other Jehovah's Witness went, aren't you thinking of Prince? And then the main guy went,

no, he died. It's true. He is no longer a Jehovah's Witness. JD, everyone. Beck now has to be. Thank you, JD. Beck now has to be a Jehovah's Witness in Prince's place. Before this Devil's Haircut video, he had that

I don't endorse the occult statement. That's a very good thriller reference. You guys can get out of here. What's up? Hi. I'm Benjamin. Hi, Benjamin.

What's that long for, Ben? No, it's long for jam, you know? He fucking got you, Dave. Anyways, I was at a coffee shop, and I was overhearing this couple. A what shop? A coffee shop. Okay, sorry.

I thought you said comedy shop. Yeah, comedy shop. Yeah, that's where I bought Graham's jacket. Damn! He got you too, Graham! What was I just standing here? I gotta get out of here. I'm next! I was just minding my own.

Anyways, I was at this coffee shop and this couple in the booth was talking to me. I guess they were talking about education or something. Anyways, this one girl was talking to the other guy like, Are you sure you're not gifted? Did this, I'll not take you to this portable and show you a room you've never seen before and show you things? Like you know, with your hands?

And the other guy's like, maybe. I'm very confused. and the other guy's like, maybe. I'm very confused. I'm very confused. Benjamin. Benjamin, everybody. All right. I lost the thread of that one.

Yeah, me too. I was... But there will be new threads. Look, we got a lot of overheards. We're a little over time. So you know what? We can't go deep into all of them. That's true. What's your name? I'm Brian. Hi, Brian. A few years ago, I was babysitting

my niece. She was five at the time. And it was Christmas time. And we were watching the old Rudolph Christmas special. Aww. And at one point she asked me are are are

are reindeers real and I said well what do you think or she said can reindeers fly and I said what do you think she looked back

at the screen she squinted and she said it just doesn't make any sense smart kid yeah smart kid

also I just loved the first are reindeers real what do you think Smart kid. Smart kid. Also, I just love that the first, are reindeers real? What do you think? This is something we all have to decide for ourselves. And you. Oh, good, another guy. And you.

One more of me. I'm Nick. Hello. Hi, Nick. Hi, Nick. Hi. So I was walking through the Eaton Center just a couple days ago in front of a squad of five or six dads about 50 years old talking about movies. A dad squad.

Hashtag. Dad squad with dad butts. Hashtag dad squad. And they're talking about movies, Mission Impossible, that kind of thing. And one of the dads says, Oh, did you see this movie came out a while back? It's called A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Yeah. Real tour de force for Charlize Theron. Agreed. Agreed. Yeah. She can do no wrong. Nick. It's more of like, hey, I remembered that guy's name.

Hello. Hi, I'm Andrew that guy's name. Hello. Hi, I'm Andrew. Hi, Andrew. Hi. Two weeks ago, I was waiting at a bus stop, and I watch a guy get out of his car, and he's going to the back. He leaves his sidecar door open,

and he's going to the back to get out some luggage, and seconds after he does this a car comes screaming around the corner plows the side of his car in a way i've only seen in movies like the door came off sparks everywhere and the guy drops his luggage and screams after the car stop wait i don't know how Uber insurance works. We live in a gig economy. I don't understand. Did the other car then slam on the brakes?

Oh, boy. That tickled me. Robert, everybody. Was it Robert? It was Andrew. It wasn't Robert. What was it? Andrew.

Andrew. Andrew. Well, what is Andrew but the Robert of the first part of the alphabet? Yeah, yeah. Do we have one over here? Hello. Hello. have one over here? Hello. What's your name? My name is Maciek.

Maciek. From last time. Yeah, he did one of the dirty ones. Actually, you're correct. Oh, I know I am Maciek. My overheard is overseen. It's very fresh. It's very fresh. It's from today.

I went to the gym, and on the freshly painted wall, there was a sign. However, someone changed just one letter on it. So now, in the area where all the heavy lifting happens, there is a sign that says, caution, wet balls. Filthy again.

Filthy again. Filthy again. Filthy again. Filthy again. What did it originally say? Wet walls. Oh, okay. Is that how you communicate wet paint?

By saying wet walls? We don't know why. They're just wet. And we usually wet wall? We don't know why. They're just wet. And we usually have it on one of those... Don't touch them. It's unpleasant. We usually have it on one of those signs with the interchangeable marquee letters.

Hello. Hi. Thanks for coming. What's your name? Natalie. Natalie, hi. A little while ago, my husband and I took our son to an indoor playground. And there was this one kid there who was maybe four or five.

And he was with his older brother and their friends. And they'd run around. And then he'd just, like, throw himself down crying. He was really overdramatic. And at one point, his mommy was like, oh, don't worry about him. He's really dramatic. So at one point, my son was up in one of the parts trying to climb past him, and he was trying to go past,

and this kid came up to the mesh and yelled to his mom, like, between sobs, he's trying to be my best friend. And... Natalie! Natalie, everybody. Usurper. Hello. Hi. My name is Jessica. Natalie Natalie everybody usurper hello

hi my name is Jessica hi Jessica hi Jessica a little while ago I was camping and I went off from my campsite

and used the bathroom I was walking back I passed by a different campsite of people I didn't know sitting around a campfire telling stories and chatting

drinking beer probably and this one guy was telling a story and all I heard was people I didn't know, sitting around a campfire telling stories and chatting. And we can be here probably. And this one guy was telling a story and all I heard was, I bring my own six pack of hot sauce. Oh, wow. Nobody wants to hang out with that guy. Six pack of

hot sauce. Just one hot sauce. That's all you need to rule them all. That's right. You. I'm James from here. Hi, James.

Hi, James. From now on, everyone say where you're from. Especially here from here. James H. from here. Earlier this summer, my girlfriend and I were driving home from work, and it was a particularly rainy day. This is overseen, by the way. Do you work with your girlfriend?

Yes, actually. Oh, okay. Made it work. Do you girl with your work friend? She's here, so I can't talk about it. It was a really rainy day where a lot of cars were just kind of hitting the big puddles and smashing pedestrians. And there was a kid on a skateboard who it really looked like was about to get hit.

And somehow sensed it. Oh, sorry. The car was blasting tub thumping by Chumbawamba. Yes, it was. For some reason, a kid on a skateboard turned, got off his skateboard, grabbed it up, slapped the water, and it worked. Whoa. Whoa. Proud of him.

Physics. See, science can be cool, kids. That does it for that, Mike. Yeah. Yeah, this side's win. They won. They have two left. And there's some pride about that.

A little bit. A little tiny bit. Hello. I'm Blake from Nashville. Hey, Blake from Nashville. Yeah. So you probably traveled with six pack of hot dogs. Oh, no.

Don't leave home without it. Yeah, barbecue. My character, National Barbecue Dave. Yeah. Spot on. Take a break, Blake. I was at a... Wait, wait, wait.

Could have fallen off the bone. All right, that's all. You shouldn't have waited. You should have known that was going to happen. I was at a party and I just overheard a snippet of someone saying, that's the struggle of being a gay man who vapes. Struggle is real. Thank you.

Thanks for making the drive I assume you drove yeah sure absolutely 18 wheeler full of hot sauce our final overheard everybody

hooray hi my name is Rochelle I'm from Waterloo I overheard two women talking from the other side of my cubicle wall at work.

And one says to the other, you know what I love about Quidditch? She says, and the other says, what? And she goes, it's like totally genderless. And the second girl says, for sure. Yeah. Wow. It's true. Facts are facts.

Well, how about a round of applause for everybody who got up there? Yeah. Paul. Yes. Your show this evening sold out. Is that correct? That's what I'm told. But it did sell out last week as well.

And then there were more tickets available. Oh, okay. What I understand is this is the final sellout for the show since it's in a matter of hours. Okay. And anything you would like to plug to these fine people? I would say I have my own podcast called Spontaneanation. It comes out on Mondays. Thank you very much.

It comes out on Mondays. Yes! Standing. Oh, standing. It comes out on Mondays. And in November, I will be in Brooklyn doing Spontaneanation and Super Ego at the Bell House. So go to

paulftompkins.com live to find out all the things about me. Thank you so much for being our guest. Guys, it's always my pleasure. Always my pleasure. And thanks to all

of you and thank you to the JFL 42 people. And it's been a real treat. Thank you so much for coming out to the show. It means an awful lot. I hope you guys had a good time. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you, everybody.