Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE from MaxFunCon 2014 with Abby Shumka

Episode Date: October 2, 2014

Recorded live at MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead, California on Sunday, June 1st, 2014.

Now, let's get down to the matter at hand, which is, it's Sunday morning, everyone is extremely hungover, but the good news is that the funniest and warmest, most enveloping embrace of podcasting is about to hit you all the way from Vancouver, British Columbia. It's Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we hope. Stop podcasting yourself.

Woo! Woo! Hi, everybody. Oh, man, this is great. I thought zero people would show up. That's what I always assume. Yeah, but then you guys really pulled through in the clutch. Yeah. I mean, well, we always seem to get this spot at MaxFunCon,

which is the Sunday morning spot, which is the bleary-eyed audience, at MaxFunCon, which is the Sunday morning spot, which is the bleary-eyed audience, super hungover, really enjoyed eggs. Yeah, just had a big filling of eggs. The blintz crowd. And it starts off super low energy, and we're thrilled that the pre-show music

was even more low energy. What was the song you requested? I wanted them to play Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. And they did, so. I wanted them to play Hurt. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And then I was like, hey, can we throw in The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?

And maybe if there are any songs about, like, a horse that died. Yeah. A guy who loved his dog. Yeah. I heard people doing it last night. What? Yeah. I know.

Guys! Good for you! What? The Freak Nasty? Huh? The Freak Nasty? Well, I don't know what it is. Oh, okay. But they were doing it't know what it is. Oh, okay.

They were doing... They were moving furniture. Yeah, absolutely. And they were not happy about it. Yeah. They said, Graham, you can't sleep with us tonight. Go back to your room.

I was like, but I'm scared. Where was this? Right above where I was staying. Oh, in Cedar. Yeah, there was... Yeah, somebody was doing it in Cedar. Yeah, there was some Cedar inside it. Oh, in Cedar. Yeah. There was, yeah, somebody was doing it in Cedar. There was some Cedar inside it. Get you guys.

And not just like once or twice, like. Three times. Three times. A lady. Yeah. Yeah. Have you enjoyed your Max Fun Con experience? Absolutely.

Had a lot of fun. Had a lot of naps. Nap fun time. You took the nap activity? I want next time that we're invited back, I will do a napping seminar because I feel like

I have some really new approaches that maybe you haven't thought of. A lot of arms dances. Yeah, and I host that napping show on Discovery, so that's also like I got the cred. And like different theories on should you keep your pants on? Oh, never. Well, never sometimes always.

It depends. Now, before we bring out our amazing guest, last Max FunCon, Max FunCon East, I, for like the first time ever, I tried to rip off a shirt Hulk Hogan style. And it was a disaster. Yeah, what went wrong? What went wrong, buddy? The collar, it just didn't go. It didn't go when I gave it the juice, you know?

And as I recall, it took me and Hari Kondabolu. That's correct. And you, just reaming on you. Yeah, I had bruises. Like that couple last night. Yeah, yeah. Just reaming on each other. Three times.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Just reaming on each other. Three times. Oh, boy. Yeah. But since then, I have ripped off so many shirts. I've done it at live shows all across this great continent. It sounds like you've come up with another seminar idea.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Don't let the shirt be the boss of you. So with your permission, crowd, I'd like to I'd like to make amends and I'm gonna go for something I've never done before a new record a new record sure why are you gonna be trying to trying to match the record of the couple last night I'm just might be but I need like I need some like you know some Peter Pan yeah Tinkerbell clapping I don't think he's gonna do it guys I don't think there's enough clapping I don't Whip him in the audience. One foot over there.

Wow, yeah, that was great. I like that I was wearing four shirts and nobody said, hey, you look kind of fat. You were wearing five shirts. Yeah, and nobody mentioned, so... You look great. Looking good. Feeling good.

You wear them well. Thanks, everybody. And when you threw them into the audience, people went nuts for them. Yeah. It was like when Tom Jones takes his panties off and throws them into the audience. It is unusual. Women are like smelling them.

He's so sweaty and Welsh. Should we bring out our guest? Yeah, why the F not? Our guest, everybody, is a first-timer to Max Funcon. Not a first-timer to our podcast, however. She is lovely and hilarious. She is here today. Please welcome Mrs. Abby Shumka, everybody.

Oh, pardon me. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, bumpers. Hello. Hello, Max Von Don. Abby, nice to see you.

Good to be seen. Have you been on? You told me you're my wife. Yes. We've spoken before. But also your own person. You told me when we asked you to be on, I asked like, hey, have you been on stage before? 20 years ago.

Oh, wow. Like elementary school, maybe? What did you play? I have not. Yeah, what did you do? I don't know. Some sort of dance thing. Oh, do you remember it?

It was. Yeah. It was to U2's Mysterious Ways. Oh, sure. Oh, wow. Very danceable, yeah. Like 1992, maybe? Thereabouts.

Yeah. So it's been 22 years. Yeah. Hit the music. Brown and L. Brown and L. Do we want to get to know us? We sure do.

Whanevs. Everybody knows the words. Whenevs. Everybody knows the words. Oh, there it is. Get to know us. All right. Excellent. Voice of an angel.

So, Abby, how have you been? How did you enjoy your MaxFunCon experience? It's been awesome. Everybody's been so great. It's been super fun. It's very weird being in a room full of people who know many, many details of my life. And I know virtually none of yours. Unless I follow you on Instagram.

But no, it's been super awesome. It's been awesome. Everybody's been super great. Maximum levels of fun achieved. Yeah. Well, and what else is going on? Nothing eventful, right? Nothing else is shaking for you?

No, other than the human being. All right. Congratulations. There's shaking a lot going on in there. After a cold drink. Is that right? Yeah. So how does the baby know?

Yeah. How does the baby know you're having a cold drink? Yeah. So how does the baby know? Yeah. How does the baby know you're having a cold drink? Yeah. I think the stomach and the baby room womb are in very close proximity. So the baby can feel what's going on. And does the baby like a cold shower? Bath? Wait, I think I've got it wrong. Does the water go directly

if you drink iced tea, it goes right onto the baby? There's just a tube that goes right straight down. Sometimes you drink shampoo so the baby gets nice. What if that's what they taught in like mothering school? Make sure you drink plenty of shampoo. Keep your babies lost.

Nice and clean. Some horse and mane. Mane and tail. Lustrous. Horse and cow. Yeah, horse and cow. See, and this is a bad time to do a podcast because I'm right at the point where my brain and my mouth

aren't super connected. So talking in front of people is maybe not the best idea. Maybe you'd prefer to dance. I will talk. You're doing amazing. You're doing an amazing job. But if I say anything weird. Well, that's fine.

Then I'm in the perfect spot for it. Yeah. If you say anything weird. Then this is the perfect context for it. Stays in here, all right? You weirdos. Now, Dave and I, we did a live uh podcast uh just a couple already we're doing this no well what what else do we want to go there's a lot to talk about

okay go on tell me more things what have you done in max fun con oh no i was just because we were focused on that oh we did not work this out. Amateurs. This is why we don't do bits because it's like, oh, when is it? Who is on first? And then I'm like, no, we don't do that anymore.

God, these are the names of the players. It's really easy. Yeah. Do you want me to write it down for you? Here. That classic bit would have been ruined by pen and paper. Yeah.

Oh, oh, I see. This whole place has like a summer camp vibe. Yeah. Do you have any summer camp memories, either of you? Yeah, I went to a camp. I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast before, but my parents sent me to a YMCA camp that they didn't know

was for troubled youth. They honestly didn't know. It was called Camp River Edge, and it was the first day I was sitting on a log. It was like out of a bad 80s comedy. I was sitting on a log. It was like out of a bad 80s comedy. I was sitting on a log,

and a kid threw a knife between my legs, and it landed just short of my weenus. And there were kids, like, rolling cigarettes and stuff. Yeah. Camp Juby. Yeah. Yeah, they taught. I learned how to pick the lock to the counselor's bunk or whatever because they had a guitar.

Like, that was our big snag. Nobody knew how to play the guitar either. These are important life skills you're learning at camp. We did it. We got the guitar. Now what? Roll the smoke on it, I guess. Untune it.

That'll really get his goat. And there was one kid that found there was like a giant prop box for like the theater show or like campfire or whatever. Yeah. And this kid found a conehead hat. Yeah, conehead head.

And he flipped it inside out so it looked even more bizarre and wore it every day of camp. But he was so crazy, this kid, that nobody wanted to like, hey, come on, take that off. I think he left camp with it. And they were like, bye, forever. So yeah, that was my one camp experience.

Dave, you go to camp? I went to a Christian camp that we didn't know was a Christian camp. Oh, nice. And so it was a lot of like, all right, so there's going to be water sports. And then you're going to go in the water. Ah, yeah. No, there's going to be like water skiing. Like it was, there was like a.

It's like, man, that one took a little. Woo. There was like a cool, like, it was super fun when we weren't doing Bible study. I remember the big thing was like, hey, you've got to accept Christ into your heart. And one of my cabin mates, while we were eating dinner, he just stopped, put his food down, and went. Had his eyes closed for like 30 seconds.

And we were like, what's wrong with him? And he's like, oh, I was just accepting Christ into my heart. Welcome, Christ. Make yourself at home. Stay a while. Yeah. And all of the counselors went by nicknames.

And to tell you, you can probably gauge the time in history when I went to camp by the nickname that my counselor had. It was Isuzu. He could have picked any nickname. Because everyone thought he looked like Joe Isuzu. From the Isuzu commercials. With David Leisure?

from the Isuzu commercials with David Leisure. And then he, while it was a Christian camp, he focused more on, his big thing was he liked to take freshwater D's. What? What? And then he'd talk about it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would brag about it. This was a counselor. And that meant going to the bathroom in the water. Yeah, I guess. In the lake. It's nature's way. Yeah, but I...

But he was in charge of kids. Yeah, he was in charge of kids. It's like, kids will get this. The girls I date never do, but the kids will appreciate this. The 11-year-olds are totally on board. What about you, Abby? Did you go to camp?

I did. I went to camp two years in a row. Oh, I love camp two years. It's a good one. And it was like a school-organized thing, like grades five and six, or fifth and sixth grades. Went for like a week at a time in June at the end of the school year. And the other times of the year, it was a camp for sick kids.

And then there was just us. We were just all normal. Wheel them out. Time for the not sick kids. See you in two weeks. Close the gates. Smell you later. Did you get to sleep in like an iron lung?

We all had hospital beds. Hospital bunk beds so far. And then we raced them. No, but I do remember every night at the mess hall for dinner, there'd be like, you'd sing a song before dinner. The Johnny Appleseed, does anybody remember that song? Oh, the Lord is good to me. Was it that?

The Lord is good to me. The Lord is good toeed. Amen. Lord, forgiving me the things I need. The sun and the rain and the apple tree. Lord is good to me. Johnny Appleseed. Amen. Exactly. Thank you. And then we'd eat dinner and then there'd be some music

playing and then dancing every night. What kind of dancing? Mostly slow dancing like like a boy girl dance yes oh wow i can't but they would play lady in red every night yeah and if any of the girls were wearing red a counselor would come and find you and drag you out and make you dance in front of everybody oh Oh. Wow. I had like two sweaters and one of them was red. And I was terrified. Did you have to do the dance in front of everybody?

The first night I did. Never wore that sweater again. You burned it. I burned it. I took a freshwater D on it. Lit it on fire. Ah. One thing I noticed at the conference center here is they have the old-timey taps

with the hot and cold water taps in the sink. And I'm used to just the wand that you go across. See what you call a wand? Presto! And I'm used to just the wand that you go across. See what you call a wand? Presto! But it's been a while since I've used the hot and cold water taps.

And instead of doing the sensible thing, which is turning on the hot and turning on the cold and feeling for an appropriate temperature, what I've been doing is I turn on the hot and I put soap in my hand. And I try to wash my hands as fast as possible before I burn my hands. Makes sense. I was in Scotland last summer, and a lot of the sinks had that, like the cold and hot water. And then I was like, how are you supposed to wash your hands? And they're like, oh, you fill up the basin and they wash your hands in there.

Yeah, right? Disgusting. Disgusting, Scotland. When was that even in the Middle Ages or whenever that was the first plumbing? Somebody must have been like, this is terrible. Look at how filthy the fucking water is. And nowadays you're just wasting so much water. Yeah, it's true.

I love it. I love it. I love it. Oh, you guys. I love this stuff. Can't get enough. Now, can I do the Portland thing? Yeah, let's do the Portland. All right.

We recorded shows in Portland and Seattle. Were you there? You're going to hear a bit that I did. Because the recording didn't work, so we're not releasing it anywhere. But I came up with this bit, and I think it holds. Oh, it's a great bit. Guys, I can't stress this enough.

Real good bit. Real good bit Real good bit You guys know Guy Fieri This is America They know Guy Fieri That's true Fieri

He's on their five dollar bill Eating a five dollar full He's on their $5 bill. Yeah. Eating a $5 footlong. Yeah. It's the zestiest bill. Off a flip-flop. Off a flip-flop. So he came out with a new restaurant in Las Vegas, and all the menu items are super gross, of course,

and they have, like, funny names and then crazy descriptions of what the products that you can get are. But if you don't know who Guy Fieri is, he's a gentleman with – he's on the Food Network. He's got the spikiest hair. Yeah. Do you remember Smash Mouth? If you don't know Guy Fieri and you don't know Smash Mouth, then I cannot help you.

You've had your citizenship revoked. Yeah. Spiky hair. Super revoked. Yeah, spiky hair, super great attitude. Yeah, he goes into kitchens in restaurants. Yeah, and basically he steals. He's like the ranch burglar. He goes into restaurants.

He's like, robble, robble. Look over there and he takes a bucket of ranch sauce back to his lair. And then he does it like cocaine. He lines it up. But I wrote some menu items, and then some of these are real menu items.

And I'd like Abby, who was not there, to see if you can tell which items are which when it comes to the Guy Fieri. These are items from Guy Fieri's restaurant in Las Vegas. Yeah. And then Paul Schaefer would go, items from Guy Fieri's restaurant. All right. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good.

Yeah. All right. right yeah yeah pretty good yeah um all right the first one that is called parmageddon wings okay breaded chicken parmesan wings apocalyptic marinara they might not end the world but they'll end your hunger but they'll end your life. But they'll end your life. I say real. You are correct. That is real. Ding, ding. The Tatted Up Turkey Burger. This

burger is a work of art, like guys' tattoos. Smash grilled with poblanos and pepper jack, topped with gouda, ancho bean, sweet pepper, red onion jam,

L-T-O-P, donkey sauce, and served on an awesome pretzel bun. Oh, shit. Real? It is real. Yeah! Now, what's in the donkey sauce?

Oh, he will never say. No donks were harmed during the making of this donkey sauce. It says that right on the label. It's named after Donkey Hody, if I'm not mistaken. All right. This next one is called Flip Flop and Fries. Okay. Off to a great start.

A hamburger fart-fucked with garlic avocado. Garlic avocado. Garlic avocado infused Gouda and jalapeno mist With deep-fried apple turnovers as buns Cantaloupe fries with Guy's patented hot Oreo dip First of all, sounds great. I've had some cravings for some weird things. I think that could only be from the mind of Graham Clark.

That is correct. Yes. Fart fuck. Yeah, was it fart fuck that... Yeah, what was it that clued you in? Did that appear too early in the description? Yeah. All right. Couple more, then we'll move on.

The Mayor of Flavortown Burger. The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger out of bounds. Swiss caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard, and an awesome pretzel bun finish off this bad boy. Oh, man, I really want a pretzel bun.

Yeah, they're awesome. I missed the pretzel class yesterday, damn it. I'm saying that one's real. That is correct. Gross, so gross. Did not say good, said real. Meat blanket. Meat blanket was a real thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Meat blanket was a real thing. Yeah. Oh, boy. All right, so this is the talk to the ham hamburger. Now we're talking. We dress our hamburger up in a ham cape.

Could go either way after the meat blanket. And explode some Dijon dill missiles into the deep fryer then make all the ingredients sit down for a power lunch. Oh man. Probability makes me say fake but I'm also

really tempted to say real. Real. It is fake. Yes. Stumper. That was a good one. Thank you. You've really been reading up on this menu.

Yeah. All right. This is the last one. Real or fake. Guy's Frosted Tip Frosting Fest. Two scoops of cake frosting topped with peanuts, edamame, and Mountain Dew jam.

Only four ingredients. It's real streamlined. I'm going to say fake. You are correct. I was very good at this. Lord, thank you for participating. My pleasure. How do you think the baby would react

to Mountain Dew Jam? Baby wants a meat blanket. Meat blanket. Oh yeah, have we registered for meat blankets yet? There's still time. Oh no, we do have some frosting duvets. Hey, Graham. Yeah?

Do you want to move on to a little something called Overheard? Absolutely, I want to move on to Overheard. If we can play the theme. Overheard. Now, if you're unfamiliar with overheards and how they work. Shut up. What? It's time.

But what? It's time for my favorite segment on the show. Okay. A segment called Celebrity Birthdays. Oh! Have we gotten any feedback about that yet? Celebrity Birthdays, long-running segment. Still have yet to get any feedback on it.

But I am convinced people want to know what celebrities are celebrating birthdays on the days that we record a podcast and we like to mix it up a bit we've done celebrity blurt days where I tell you the name of a celebrity and you blurt out the first word

that comes to your mind what else have we done? celebrity fart days something like that the name of a celebrity and you blurt out the first word that comes to your mind. What else have we done? Celebrity fart day? Something like that? Yeah. Was there a celebrity fart day? We're very creative. Yeah.

But this time it's going to be something different. This time it is Shrublebrity birthdays. Where I will tell you the celebrity who is celebrating a birthday, and you and Abby both have to draw them as though they were a shrub. Oh, I love this.

Okay. So, to start off this one, we have this first celebrity. Who is? Now, Dave, shut up! What? Because it's time for my favorite segment on the show. A little segment called Hulk Hogan News. Yeah, that's right! It's a Hulk Hogan News?

It's a Hulk Hogan News! It's a Hulk Hogan News! It's a Hulk Hogan News! It is. We were like news! It's a Hulk Hogan news! It's a Hulk Hogan news! It is. We were like the Lollipop Guild there. Now, what is Hulk Hogan news? This is a segment wherein I tell the world, I dig deep, and I look, I scour the internet, I call Hulk Hogan direct.

You call the Hulk Hogan hotline. $2.99 a minute. Yeah, and it's just him breathing heavily. It's just him eating a sandwich. Brother, this is spicy. That meat nugget. You've got to go to this Guy Fieri restaurant. They would hang out, Guy Fieri and Hulk Hogan.

Lord, they would. And yeah, I report to you. Graham, shut up. Before you move on to that segment. Inception style segments here, deeper and deeper. It's time for my favorite segment on the show. Yep. A segment called, where can I buy a thing like that?

Oh, okay. How does this work? Well, all weekend long, I've been looking at this beautiful lodge, and I've been looking at different parts of it, and I'm like, hey, where can I buy a thing like that? For instance, my favorite feature in this lodge is this thing right here. Because it's a very specific metal thing that holds together a bunch of wood. And do they sell them in stores? We're going to buy a thing like that.

Furthermore, I think it kind of looks like one of those clackers for when you're making a movie. You're like, hey. What did you call it? Clacker. Clacker. Yeah. Like, hey.

Clacker to the set. Yeah. And clack. Yeah. Porno people part five. Take one clacker. Is that the name of a porno movie? Porno people part five?

Why are you asking me? Because you are in one through four. Did they ever make part five? I don't know. I had the real thing above me last night. I don't need your porn oligography. Oh, weird. So that's. Oh, weird.

Dave, shut up! What? Because it's time for my favorite segment on the show. Okay. A little segment called Dave Sings a Semi-Sonic Song. Oh, yeah! I didn't know we were pimping one another. Oh, yeah?

How does this segment go? Well, it's Dave Sings Whatever semi-sonic song he feels like singing Okay Is there more Dave needs to know about this? Nope Okay, but it's not time for this segment yet Because shut up Oh no!

I had another idea But now it's time for my favorite segment on the show Graham gives someone a blowjob in the audience. In the audience, sir. You go back to your seat. I mean, you know. Okay. It is Max Funcon. Wobble, wobble, wobble.

Now, a blowjob is just where you go and blow on a guy's ear, right? Yeah, yeah. No, no, you make one of those fancy bachelorette party drinks. Oh, yeah. With a penis straw. Yeah, with a penis straw and penis hat. It's on its way, so. Yeah.

Who get blowjobs for the crowd, please? Blowjobs for you and you and you. Go get a blowjob. Go get a blowjob. But Dave, shut up. Okay. Wait, is it my turn or your turn? I think so.

I don't know. Oh, it's time for my favorite segment of the show. Shut up. You shut up. Shut up. I don't know. I think I ran out. Yeah, no, I ran out.

So do we go back to blowjob? All right, so that's the end of blowjobs. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Maybe that's how you do it in Porno People 1 through 4. Which brings us back to the semi-sonic one. What was their second song? I don't know. It was closing time.

They had that one about the mixtape. I can hear you singing to me in my sleep. Perfect. Dave's Exhibits Autoc. Which brings us back to

oh yeah that thing. Was it Clacky? Where do you get something like that? I don't know. Probably like a

you know what? Probably Custom. Oh absolutely. Which brings us back to was anyone keeping track it's all cogan news okay hulk hogan news uh well there's not too much hulk hogan's been up to to be honest six months since we've done this segment he like he's kind of he's back with the wwe he's doing a lot of announcing stuff and everybody's really stoked about that

but really the big news is that his son Nick released an album for some reason oh what and the first single is called Damn I wish Nick Hogan was my lover and I can't find it anywhere on the internet

oh really no like it's released it's out there but they didn't release it digitally yeah yeah it's like you have to send

he'll send you a tape anyway so you gotta go to the restaurant thing yeah you gotta go to Hulk Hogan's beach shop yeah and yeah there's a big display

with Nick Hogan's face big cut out I think it's like that new Wu-Tang album where there's only one copy available. Yeah, and only the most unfortunate person gets to... Somebody in prison has to listen to it. This is what's going on in the outside world. So Nick Hogan released an album.

We're all very happy and supportive. Go out there and download it. It's dropped now go get damn Nick Hogan 2015 also 2015 RIP Nick Hogan 2016

and then we owe celebrity birthdays oh yeah so alright here we go oh no wait we had to draw yeah draw the celebrities of shrubbery. Here we go. Guys, I'm giving you each a piece of paper. I'm giving you each a Sharpie. And you're

going to have to draw... A Canadian Sharpie. We smuggled them across the border. There you are, my dear. You both have five seconds. Five seconds. To draw a birthday boy turning 77 today, Morgan Freeman as a shrubbery. Oh, you're starting with the hair.

Come on. Oh, Graham's going glasses and frown. Oh, that's very good, Abby. Oh, wow. This is more for the live audience than the home audience. Although, I'm not entirely convinced it is for the live audience either.

All right, time up. Pencils up. Heads up. All right. I probably shouldn't be sniffing this Sharpie. No, yeah. You know, every Sharpie you sniff, the baby sniffs. Yeah.

The baby's doing its homework. Okay, I'm not going to say whose is whose. But this is one of the... This is a... He's very unhappy. An angry one. Angry Morgan Freeman shrubbery. And this one...

Wow. Wow! Yeah, I think that's a little nicer. I was channeling God. Okay, cool. When he played God. This has been Shrub-Liberty Birthdays. Bravo, David.

Bravo. We all win. Everybody wins. Both of you neglected the freckles. Oh, David. Bravo. We all win. Everybody wins. Both of you neglected the freckles. Oh, yeah. Well, there's one there. Oh, there's one freckle

there. Okay, that's cool. Also, happy birthday to Alanis Morissette, who is 40 today. I went down on her in the theater. What?

That doesn't work. That's not even how the song goes. Nope. Because then she wouldn't be that mad. Hey, do we get it? Are we back to overheards? Yes, we are.

We're back to overheards. Now, what are these? These are the things that you'll overhear. If you're out on the street or if you oversee something and you think it's hilarious. We always like to start with the guests. Now, what we also do at the live shows, if this is your first time seeing us live, normally in studio we will read overheards that people have written in

or play phone calls that people have called in, but when we're live, after we do our overheards, you're invited to step up to that microphone back there and share your overheards. Yes. A stillness falls over the room. But we do like to start with the guests, so Abby, if you would.

All right, I haven't overseen. We were in LA for a couple days before we drove up here, and we were walking down Third, I believe, and we passed a man. Did he have a child with him? I don't know. Maybe he didn't,

but he had a T-shirt that said, number three dad. And now I really want to get this t-shirt. I can get behind that. It's not braggy, but it's a little braggy. It's like, hey, I'm a good dad, but I'm still placed. I'm no Bing Crosby.

Out of the seven possible dads, number three, not too shabby. And he had the kids, so he's doing all right. Kid's still alive. Well, I hope so. Yeah, oh boy. Went dark there.

Dave, do you have an overheard? I do. This is from in Vancouver, where I'm from. Woo'm from yeah let's hear it hey it's just us Abby and I were walking the dog one night and it looked like how I

sort of formulated it in my mind was there was someone who was like at a party and they were like oh I gotta take this phone call and they went outside to take a phone call. It was a neighborhood kid. It was Christopher from up the street. Oh, good neighborhood. He's like 14, 15.

Okay, the guy's kid was dead. They weren't correcting each other. Sorry. I don't learn the names of people in my neighborhood. They have a dog. Not even the kids? They have a dog,

so I know their names. If they didn't have a dog, I would not know. Now, this, yeah, so I think he had to leave the house

to talk to his friend who was maybe going through a breakup. Is that okay with you so far? Ooh. I don't like it when mom and dad fight. And he was on the phone, and he was giving advice, and it was, you can't change a person, but a person can be the reason someone changes.

Yeah, absolutely. That's some wisdom. Yeah, you can. So you can change a person Is the short form Well, I mean You may never know That you're the person

That's changing the person Oh, yeah, totally I mean, who's the person Who changed me? Oh I think it's probably Freddie Mercury Yeah

For me, it was Fred Savage So What Fred changed you? What Fred changed me? Oh, shit Changed by Fred. Right side Fred. Yes.

So sexy. Too sexy. Too sexy. That was a real problem in the 90s. Sexy. Oh, boy. That's why a lot of... They had to throw away so many shirts.

Yeah. We had a surplus of sexy in the 90s. Well, they cut them down to mesh, but that still wasn't enough. That's barely a shirt. I should get a mesh shirt. Anyway. Oh, so rippable.

Note to self, get a mesh shirt. My overheard. Oh, please. Comes also from the streets of Vancouver. Oh, yeah. You went to school on the streets. It's from the streets. Yeah.

I got my degree from What's a matter you or whatever. There was a couple, and they were deciding where they were going to eat. And the lady of the couple was standing in front of some fast food restaurant. And the guy was yelling at her. He was moving away from it and yelling back at her. He said, we're eating healthy today. We're eating Subway. Steak and eggs.

I'm like, steak and eggs? That's not Subway. That guy's going to be just going, what was the thing I thought? Steak and eggs at Subway. Maybe he's the kind of guy who's like only, the first restaurant he ever went to was Subway, so he just calls every restaurant Subway. Yeah, we're going to Subway with the redheaded girl

with the pigtails. So that's my overheard. And it was, you know. But now we open up the floor to anybody here who has an overheard who wants to share it with us. Please make your way up to the microphone. Oh, we already have somebody. There you go, Dave, with some quick tech. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Howdy. Hi, young man. How's it going? Good. How are you? Doing all right. Good. Tell us your name. Hunter. Hunter. Hunter, everybody. Howdy How's it going? Good, how are you? Doing alright Tell us your name

Hunter Hunter, everybody And I overheard actually strangely Ties into grams I was at a coffee shop And sitting enjoying my coffee And a young woman walks up to the counter

With just this disgusted tone in her voice, says to the barista, You should warn people that the muffins are healthy. Absolutely. Hunter, everybody. Hunter, everybody. Steak and eggs at Subway Hello Hi Am I close enough? Okay, my name's Marie

I'm from Annapolis, Maryland Hi All right Now Annapolis, Maryland That's named after Queen Anne I don't know No, it's named after the polis Polis?

Yeah Oh, yeah, all right after the polis. Polis? Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Fuck the polis. Yeah. You get it. Is that the city's slogan? Oh, no.

It's the state capital of Maryland, so it's a dumb slogan. No, Maryland's named after Queen Mary. Yes, that one I know. That is correct. So probably Queens. All right. Good job. Queens. Hello. Welcome. Hi. All right. Good job. Queens. Hello.

Welcome. All right. So this is about the coolest kid that I ever saw. I was in the drugstore in just the over-the-counter drug aisle, and there was a kid and his dad down the aisle. The kid's like four years old. He's very small. The dad's just reading stuff, ignoring the kid.

He's wearing, it's like a Thursday night. Inside old he's very small the dad's just reading stuff ignoring the kid um he's wearing it's like a thursday night inside he's wearing sunglasses um he's got a mohawk african american kids like a mr t full-on mohawk in 2014 yeah um he's got a ninja turtle reboot t-shirt on and a fake like mimed boombox on his shoulder. Oh, awesome! Awesome. And he's like bopping down the aisle to himself and doing a little rap, okay? And so this is how the rap went. Oh, wow! Wow!

So he just goes, uh, uh, skateboard, uh, uh, skateboard, skateboard. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, everybody! Oh, skateboard. Oh, skateboard, skateboard. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, everybody. Awesome. Thank you. Oh, skateboard.

Oh, skateboard. Skateboard. Pretty good. That is the coolest kid. Yeah. I once, my friend once went to a concert by the Canadian hip hop group

Swollen Members. Oh yes. And they had like tech troubles, like all their music broke down and only their microphones worked and they asked the audience to like, hey, lift up stuff and we'll freestyle about it they asked the audience to like, hey, lift up stuff and we'll freestyle about it.

And the only thing my friend remembered was plastic cup, ticket stub. Yeah, not bad. Alright, next one I've heard. Hi, I'm Jonathan from Portland, Oregon. Hi, Jonathan. Hello. Hi, I'm Jonathan from Portland, Oregon. Hi, Jonathan. Hello.

So my overheard takes place at the grocery store, our local Fred Meyers, in the self-checkout line. An individual was kind of checking out his groceries when the machine prompted him to be essentially carted by one of the employees. And when they came over, he kind of inquired as to why he was being carded since he was not buying alcohol. And so a very short conversation ensued in which they sort of speculated it was because he was buying lighter fluid or some other item of that nature, to which point he just very loudly declared, fire is a privilege, not a right. It's written into the Constitution, everybody. Thank you.

Skateboard. That is so great. Hi there. Welcome. Hi. I'm Valerie from Austin. Hi, Valerie. Hi, Valerie.

Welcome aboard. My overheard happened a while back. I was working at a gated art community hotel. What? America. Where did you say you were from? Austin, but this was in New York. Oh, okay.

Wow. By Lake Er York. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. White Lake Erie. Which is Canada. Yeah. And I was working like the 3 a.m. to noon shift. So right as I was getting off, I'd been working all day. And all the employees were coming in. I worked in the kitchen.

All the employees were coming in for their lunch. And this lady walks in that I'd never seen before. It's like a lady in her 60s, has a cane, like a flowered shirt. She's kind of hobbling in. She looks me dead in the eyes, like really intensely, and goes, Your days are numbered. Whoa. Whoa.

Yikes. I mean, she's right, but come on. Yikes. And then she just walks away. There's a nice way to say it. Wow. And so a couple hours later, I go to my room. I live in the tower above the hotel. Oh, man, what?

I live in the snow globe. Yeah. And she's my roommate. Oh, no! Oh, that's how she knew. Three months. We never, like, she moved in that day. Oh. Wow. Hey, roommate.

There's her number. Maybe she just meant as roommates. Yeah. But I don't think she knew she was my roommate. Did you just, like, would you just take her cane and throw it out the window? No, actually, we never spoke of it again. Oh. Probably not.

Yes. Oh, you're from before. Oh. All right. Sorry, you're from before. Oh, alright. Sorry about that, Hex. Alright, thank you very much. Fantastic. Thank you. Oh, lordy.

Come on up. Hi, I'm Tom from Chicago. Hi, Tom. Do you live in a tower? I do not. I like how he said that. I do not. I wish I did. My overheard happened on the streets of Chicago,

the mean streets of Chicago. Yeah. I've heard of them. I saw a mom and her tiny son and he was just going mom, mom, mom, mom and she looked and like what? And he said

okay mom. Oh man. There's more. Because the mom makes his face just like the most, like she was crushed. And he was like, mom, mom. And she's like, no, no, no more. But listen, this time, listen, this time, listen.

And she turns and looks back and he goes, okay, mom. Yes. Amazing. Oh, that was great. Yes. Amazing. Oh, that was great. Fantastic. Yeah. Welcome.

Oh, you were the man I was supposed to give a look to. There's still time. That's actually why I'm here I don't have an overheard at all But I can wait all day Mine's an overblown Let's hear it for this guy Overblown

Did you say your name? Hello? No, I'm Alan From San Mateo, California. Hello, Alan. San Mateo. So a long time ago, my wife and I used to do grocery shopping late at night. And the nice thing about doing that is you've got the store to yourself,

and you can be kind of loud and not worry about bugging anybody. So one time we're in, never mind, and we're in the frozen food aisle, and oddly enough, there's another person doing some late night grocery shopping there, roaming through the frozen pizzas, and my wife's at one end of the aisle,

I'm at the other, and she yells to me, hey, did you get everything on the list? And I say, yeah, but I couldn't find the eggs. And she looks back to me, hey, did you get everything on the list? And I say, yeah, but I couldn't find the eggs. And she looks back at me and she says, well, duh. I mean, they're with the milk. They come from cows. So then this woman hears all of this,

pulls her head out of the frozen food, and looks at me like, hey, buddy, you want me to tell her that's not the way it works? Because I'll totally tell her. And just with a glance, she just felt all of my pain. And then she looks over at my wife

and just be like, do you need help? I could totally straighten you out. Okay. And then my wife, in a split second after this whole visual exchange, just kind of, never mind, I'll go get it, and then darts off.

But what's so great about this is years later, for those of you who... Oh, this was a prequel, I see. Yeah. Episode two. So for those of you who listen to the Judge John Hodgman podcast, there was a guy who said moo all the time and his family wanted him to stop. And he came on and said that the reason why he did it is he loved cows because cows gave us so many great things like meat and milk and eggs. And not a soul stopped him or corrected him. So they needed that woman from the frozen food aisle

to help out on the podcast, and the moral of the story is my wife is now so thrilled because she is not the only one in the world who made the mistake that eggs come from cows. Thank you. Thank you, Alan. Fantastic. Where do they come from?

I don't know. I like that he said that he goes at night. So, you know, we don't bother anyone. You know, when you're at the grocery store in the middle of the day and everyone's like, oh, what do you want? You're standing in front of the rice. Come back later. Where do these come from?

That's me turning into a ghost Okay Now you're an overheard How many more are there back there? Three more Three more, alright Can you handle it, crowd? You ready?

Alright Hit it So I'm Laura from Ohio Hi Laura Hello Thank you. So my overheard was a professionalist woman, like nicely dressed at a store.

And she's on her phone and she says, do you have proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that vampires don't exist? Okay. I mean, I don't have proof that they do, but you don't have proof that they don't. That's true. So...

The eternal question. Yeah. So we're having garlic for dinner. The end. The classic prisoner's dilemma. Hello. Hello, welcome. Welcome aboard.

Hello, I'm Eric from Plattsburgh, New York. Hi, Eric. Hello. Hello, welcome. Welcome aboard. Hello, I'm Eric from Plattsburgh, New York. Hi, Eric. Hello, Eric. Whoa. So I work at a place, like a cafeteria, and one day I was just kind of daydreaming in a slow part, and I see two women across in front of me, and they recognize each other and walk over

and they say hi and the older woman says oh what's new and the younger one goes well look this and holds up her hand there's an engagement ring and the other one goes the older woman goes well wow that's great when did that happen it's like oh a couple months ago we've been dating for four years and I told them if we got to five and we weren't engaged it was done and the other one goes oh that's so great romance is still alive so sweet welcome welcome ultimatums work ladies hi uh I'm Dan from philadelphia i have an overseen x radical i was uh driving in clearwater florida and the novelty plate in front of me was also a vanity plate it had a soccer theme to it and on one side of the soccer ball in the middle it said scr and then there was a

soccer ball and then on the other side it said TM. So if you read it left or right, it just says scrotum. Excellent. Awesome. Soccer time. Now, are you the final? This is it.

Okay, guys, This is what it all Comes down to No pressure It'll be good Okay I'm Manny I'm from Orlando, Florida Hi Manny And a couple months ago

I was still in high school And I was walking Down the hallway And me and my friend It was an overheard And we overheard This guy They were talking

In the corner And they were like Wait Jews don't get circumcised At bar mitzvahs? Well, why even have one? Yeah, why does anyone even go?

Alright, let's hear it. Oh, awesome. Did you say you were just in high school? Like three weeks ago. Wow! You just graduated? Yeah. Did you go to the prom here last night? Yeah. I looked like I was six

when I graduated high school. He's a man. He's an actual man. There's like an open bar here. When you arrived, did they make you like, did they stamp you on the forehead?

A bracelet or something? Don't serve this guy. I'm gonna go drinking in the woods. That's what you told all your high school friends. See you later, suckers. Yeah. I'm gonna go drinking in the woods that's what you told all your high school friends see you later suckers well that I believe

that brings us to the end of this here show Abby thank you so much for being our guest my pleasure see you in the car yeah and thank you very much to see you in the car yeah that's great and thank you very much to

Jesse and all of the people at Maximum Fun for putting this on and for having us come up here and do this it's such an honor

and a privilege so thank you very much and thanks to all of you of course yeah you guys so fantastic you made it up

those of you who shared your overheards. And, you know, if anybody wants this Morgan Freeman portrait, we'll talk price. Signed? Well, we'll see. We'll see what kind of cash you get on it. But thank you all so much, and have an excellent lunch and life. Good luck getting down that hill.

Yeah. Drive safe. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. By.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.D.A.A.D.A.A.D.A.A.A.A.D.A.A.A.A.A.A