Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE from Toronto with Evany Rosen and Chris Locke

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Recorded live on July 8th, 2017 at the Harbourfront Centre as a part of the Prairies to Pacific Festival 2017. Two of our favourites, Evany Rosen and Chris Locke, join us to talk about first class, Washington D.C., and Indian food.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hello, Toronto! Hello! What a joy to see you all tonight at the Harborfront Center. What a joy to see you all tonight at the Harborfront Center. Ten acres of harbor something, and it's such a small room to find amongst it. All.

Those sources that voted us best podcast. WikiLeaks. My mom. Welcome. Thank you so much for coming. This is really exciting to be here in our finery. What does that mean? Our best clothes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we go, we like to put on our podcasting clothes. Yeah. And visit kids in the children's hospital. Yeah. And then we get there and they go, I meant my brother, my brother. Yeah. They're all like,

you're no Chris Pratt either, kid. They're like, you're like Chris Pratt before he got buff. Still pretty good. You know, I heard his wife likes him with a little extra meat on his bones. Yeah, but what type of meat? Oh, rib meat.

You know what I mean? Because he's not a skinny man. Oh, yeah, now he's skin and bones. Oh, yeah. Oh, we're praying for Chris Pratt, you guys. Oh. Yeah, what happens in that next Jurassic Park that he loses so much weight? Well, he's stranded on Jurassic Island or whatever it's called.

And there's not a drop to drink. What dinosaurs will they wow us with in this next sequel? Oh, boy. Haven't we seen all of the dinosaurs? There's going to be the, not the mama dinosaur. Oh, so cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know it's the same voice as Elmo?

Oh, that, whatever his name is. Kevin Clash? Yeah, Kevin Clash. Didn't he have some legal problems? He had some legal problems, didn't he? Look, we could litigate Kevin Clash's whatever he did over and over tonight, but that's not what we're here for.

I mean, unless that's what you guys are into. We don't remember. We think it was something with kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to talk about it anymore. What band did they say was playing outside? They said there was a band playing outside after.

Is that right? Or was there a band playing outside before the show? Somebody sent me a photo that said, this is what's happening outside. And it was a band. But I don't know if it was a band I was supposed to know. Maybe it was the Tea Party. Anyways,

it's good to be here in Toronto. Yeah, that's where we are. Dave, you just flew in last night. Yeah, it was great. And then they got airplanes day and night here.

Yeah, oh, that's true. The big city. In Vancouver, we only have them in the afternoon. Yeah. Sorry, guys. The moon's coming out. We're spooked by it. Our pilots are all afraid of the dark.

Yeah, our pilots are all afraid of werewolves. 28 days a month. I like being in Toronto because you don't watch A Handmaid's Tale. No, wait a minute. It's not like a show, though. It's a mini-series, right? It's a show. It's a show?

It's a show. And they shoot it here. Okay. But it's not the here that you recognize. It's like, this is shot in Toronto because it looks off. Yeah. But it's not like Toronto stuff doesn't happen to the handmaids. Right.

They don't meet. Oh, I thought we were going to meet at this Jack Astor's. But we're going to meet at the one three blocks from here. When they have handmade meetups. Yeah. And you said backstage, you were like, they shoot the handmaid's tale here. And I was like, you know who else they shoot here? Rookie Blue.

So who's got the better? Who's your favorite rookie from Rookie Blue? Jamie. Oh, she's tough but fair. Yeah. With her superiors? I don't know. Now, is Jack Astor from Toronto?

Is that Toronto born and raised? There's a lot of local pride for it. Yeah, because I remember going to it in Alberta, and the big thing was that the waiters wrote their names on the paper that was on the table. And then I was like, well, it's not going to get better than that. The meals peaked

very early. My name's Jamie. I'm a rookie. Well, as you know, I call Toronto Mr. Sub Country. Yeah. And I have been to Mr. Sub three times since I've been here. Why? I don't know why. To prove a point?

Yeah, I guess. Are you doing a Morgan Spurlock documentary? Yeah. I'm going to finally take down Mr. Sub. If I go to Mr. Sub often enough, they're going to start filming it. Yeah. Or they'll just give me a franchise. Boy, you like Mr. Sub.

So Mr. Sub has a couple ingredients that you can't get at Subway. I guess that's why I'm like on vacation. So treat myself, I say. I also have been to Subway. So I've done both and I've done some comparison. I'm having the time of my life. So what are the things they have at Mr. Sub? They got mushrooms.

They got pineapple. So you can make yourself a very disgusting mushroom and pineapple sandwich. And the whole time they're making it, they're like, keep asking you, are you sure? Are you secretly hoping to be the Jared of Mr. Sub? Does that include the horribleness of being Gerald? The Kevin Clash of sandwiches? Oh boy.

Now that nickname makes sense. Now I get it. Hey everyone, thanks for coming. Yeah. Yeah, this is really cool that you guys all showed up. Yeah. What's everyone? Who here knows the show?

Yeah. There's a lot of people not clapping. And who here are your wives? There was enough people not clapping that I'm like, are you guys subscribers to the Harborfront's yearly shows? I don't know. Maybe it's a play. I don't know. Yeah, this is Hamilton, guys. Here we go. How does a Scotsman, bastard son of a whore, she's a Scotsman.

Did I mention that his mom's a whore? She's a Scotsman. And she lived inside a whore and the Scotsman was a whore and the Scotsman went quick. What was that? Was that from Hamilton? It's based on Hamilton.

It's my own Hamilton. It's Dave Schumacher Presents Hamilton. I couldn't get the rights. One Man Hamilton. It's Diet Hamilton. Oh, to go see a One Man Hamilton where the person hasn't really seen Hamilton. I mean, wouldn't it be the best?

It would be the best. And just halfway through, it starts being about Hamilton, the city. What else? And Linda Hamilton was in Terminator 1 and 2. Oh, boy. If this was a play, it would be like the script of a madman.

Yeah. Why are all the characters talking at the same time? So, your flight out here was okay? Was it okay? The woman next to me... Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Break it down for me, buddy. She was, like, older than me. That's impossible! Flattery will get you everywhere. flattery will get you everywhere. And she immediately,

like before we even took off, she was like, gotta get the boss baby on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like stifling her laughs throughout the boss baby. Cookies are for closers. And then after that, she was like, I want to watch a three-hour Inuit movie.

And bawling her eyes out to the fast runner. Oh, wow. Yeah. What a lady. What a flight. Oh, what a flight. Oh, what a lady. What a flight. Oh, what a flight. Oh, what a lady. What a flight.

How was your flight? Dave, this has never happened to me before. Probably will never happen again. I was going to check in. I was flying red-eye flight. I was checking in, and the lady at the gate said, you're flying by yourself, right? And I was like, yeah, don't make a big deal out of it.

Don't single me out in front of everybody else. Well, why do you have that car seat? I'm crazy. It's full of empties. Why is that car seat full of empties? How did you get it through security and I said yeah I'm flying by myself big deal and then she

then she asked me again in case I was trying to pull a double sneak you're not twins are you yeah we just saw a ghost it looks just like you You're not twins, are you? Yeah, yeah. Ba-ba-ba-ba, we just saw a ghost. It looks just like you. But I thought they were going to do something terrible to me because I was flying by myself.

I thought they were going to put me in a middle seat like, oh, somebody's, some rich millionaire is flying some garbage out in a seat. Can you sit next to the garbage and make sure that it doesn't spill into the aisle? Because you're by yourself. Everybody else will be hugging each other on the flight. But if there's a pile of garbage next to you, you could hug that.

I thought it was going to be something awful. They put me in first class! Yes! Yes! in first class! Yes! Why? I don't know! You, me!

I'm classy! I know! Everybody knew that it wasn't right! Everybody on the plane knew it! What is he, a rock star star they thought I've been acting entitled For 36 years

I never get bumped on Oh Dave It was the sweetest Oh my goodness You sit in a little pod I was in one of those pods While everybody was getting on And they were looking me in the eye

You don't belong here I was in one of those pods while everybody was getting on and they were looking me in the eye. You don't belong here. I was like, I know. I know it. Dave, have you ever been in one of those little pods? No. Oh, it's so nice. They bring you orange juice.

You don't even have to ask for it. It just shows up. They bring you orange juice. You don't even have to ask for it. Just shows off. They bring everyone orange juice eventually. Oh, yeah, eventually. I really blew my throat out. But like, here's the thing. I didn't know what. I was looking at the guy across the aisle like, what do I do?

I was watching him. He took off his shoes. I was like, yeah, take off my shoes. He leaned back. I was like, I'm going to lean back. And then the flight attendant came back. You can't lean back before the flight. I went to... I once flew

to Germany in business class, which is pretty good, and they come around and they bring you pajamas. Oh, what? Where do you have to change? I put them over top of my clothes. That's like the reverse

of what I've got going on tonight. As soon as I get back to the hotel, I strip these off, pajamas. They're short-sleeved. Really? They give you pajamas why I guess they were pajamas it was like a sweatsuit

it was just like grey tops and bottoms with a zip up thing and you know I'm not going to say no to that I don't know nine nine anyways it was the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to me Nine. Nine.

Anyways, this is the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to me. What else is different in there? Well. Do the flight attendants act all apologetic, like they could be doing their job better? Well, they're nice to you. Like, you must have done something. You know how they're like, would you like a beverage? The rest of the time, it's not like that. You get the whole can of ginger ale.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can have as much as you want. And you're right next to the toilets and you don't have to walk past anybody to get to them. I mean, the worst seats on the plane are also right next to the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. And you have a lineup of people. But the downside to it is

that you have to sit there while everybody else boards. Like, I don't know if that's something that... People in first class can board immediately or at their leisure. Oh, yeah. So you can go on last. You can hold everyone up.

Yeah. Well, I didn't know until I was checking in at the gate. Did you get to go in the lounge in the airport? No, no, no. This was right as I was getting on the plane. Oh! So this was a complete shock. So did they call you up? Nope, just as I was

getting on. And then when she handed me the ticket, too, she gave me like a... This is the whole show, everyone. So if you are a subscriber to the Harbourfront season, the tea party will be here. And you're just in and out of Toronto. You're just...

Look at that moth trying to corn in on our stage time. Big moth strikes again. What have you, what did you do whilst you were in town? The moment I got here,

I'm a father of two children, so I partied down. Yeah, one person half applauded. That's right. It's no big deal, guys. I went to a movie. Yeah, right?

Yeah. And then today, I'll save it for when our guest's out. Yeah, yeah, okay. Don't worry about me. No, absolutely. I just, you know, just wanted to get to know you a little bit. Normally we do a segment called Get to Know Us.

Yeah, do you want to? Yeah, let's do that. Do you want to sit down? Okay. Guys, thanks so much for coming. We're going to sit down and we're going to start the show. It's today's political stories through a feminist lens.

So if you're not ready for that, there's the door. I'm going to start that again. Get to know us People paid to come see that Yeah You gotta see it live I'll be doing some Flare bartending tonight

That's mine now. This one was the one that you dropped. Oh, boy. What if that was all cocktail was? He never gets it. It's all a montage, but the montage is drawn out. Dave, what's been going on with you, man? Okay.

You really blew your voice out there. Yeah, right? Yeah. Do you want to open. Yeah, right? Yeah. Do you want to open one of these beers? No. No. Which one do you think is less fizzy? I want to find that one. I know, you're legit curious, right?

But if you tap it a couple times, it's fine. What's going on with me? Well, I'm in Toronto. Enthusiasm at an all-time low. Do you ever go to a city and you come up with a funny joke about that city and you're like, I bet a million people have already said the Toronto Blowjays. Pretty good. Yeah.

I've never heard it. Here's what's going on. Also at the airport, when I was in line, there was this young couple in their 20s and they were eating chocolates, like these big bonbons. Yeah. And the guy was wearing a Gucci belt. You can tell because it has giant Gs on it. Yeah.

A real power couple, these two. And Gucci and bonbons. If you marry me, baby, it'll be all Gucci and Bon Bons. I think I remember the band that's playing outside right now. Gucci and the Bon Bons. So they were... Well, first of all, she asked someone to hold

her spot in line, in the security line, which is not a thing. Yeah, that is not a thing. I'm just going to leave my bags here unattended. And then I'm just going to go. Yeah, I think I heard something about that. You can do that. Yeah.

Can you hold all my giant liquids? And then, so she went, left the line, and came back with her boyfriend in the belt, belty. Yeah. And then, so they're in the belt. Belty. And then so they're in line eating these bonbons. And kind of fighting. Like he's got his phone

out and he's like, hey, can you read this to me? And she's like, I said I was sorry. And they're like eating their bonbons and they're just like Can't wait till we get on the plane We get some champagne They were first class people They were your kind of people

And the guy I saw Had this big glob of chocolate On his watch band And he He didn't know it And he Kept finding bits of chocolate on his shirt, and then he'd rub his hands, because he had chocolate on his hands,

but he would lick that off, but then rub the chocolate from his watch all over his shirt and not know where it was coming from. Was this Rowan Atkinson? And then at the turkey stuffing portion, it was coming from. Was this Rowan Atkinson? And then at the turkey stuffing portion, you'll never guess.

And I was like, oh, I should tell this guy. Fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right? He's fighting in public. He's got champagne on the way. He did nothing to earn your, like, I'm going to help this dude out. This is a creepy dude with his bonbon money. Yeah.

So did he pass through security or they were like, Sir, we think you may have shit on your belt. We can't let you through. You have more than 100 milliliters of shit on your belt. We can't let you through. You have more than 100 milliliters of shit on your wrist. Which my colleagues and I will determine whether that is a liquid through a series

of taste tests. Yeah, we're gross now. Yeah, yeah, we're gross. Now that I got this gravelly voice, I can be a gross guy. And the only other thing I did today was I was walking down the street and I saw a woman with really short shorts. Hey, you know how they say men think about sex every seven seconds? Yeah, yeah. Just like, how does that?

Wait, wait. Go. That's not literal, right? Like, if I see a lady whose butt's hanging out of her pants, that doesn't count, right? No, no. Like, I wasn't thinking about sex.

It just was there, but I didn't think about her, like, butt doing sex. Yeah, yeah. Just on its own in the big city. Like, is that i'm walking here because like is that just like some some study they did 20 years ago that's been misquoted this

whole time yeah or is it that i think about sex for like an hour and a half? And then you're clear for the rest of the week. Yeah, but it works out to... I don't know. But this really is the summer of the butt hanging out of the shorts. This is really like, I don't know if that's who said that first.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one. But I've seen a lot of butts this summer. And it's me. Maybe I'm the one. But I've seen a lot of butts this summer. And it's fine. They're not going anywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I saw her upper thigh. She had a face tattooed on her upper thigh.

But I only saw it for a split second. Do you know who it was? No, but in that split second, I was like, is that Rick Astley like cool hair yeah shirt buttoned up to the top

see Rick rolls her lovers yeah uh so that's what I've been up to when I uh

when I was going through airport security here's a weird this is a weird thing that a guy asked me. Whoa, yeah. Real nice. We were going through, and he asked... This is not a conversation starter as far as I know.

I was putting my stuff in my bag, and he said, you got some beef jerky in there? What the fuck does that mean, man? And? No! But you're a vegetarian. Yeah, yeah. Except on vacation.

Yeah, yeah. And then I eat as much beef jerky as I can. You and your wife have a rule. Yeah, yeah. Five things you're allowed to eat in other cities. Here they are. Counting them down from five. Yogurt. Number four. Anything

that's bipedal. That means orangutan, chimpanzee, a dog that walks on its high legs. Number three. Any kind of paper that I want. Any kind. So loose leaf.

Yeah, absolutely. Full scap. Full scap. Damn it. Number two. You've been watching the race to full scap. Number two. Bits and watching the race to Fool Scout. Number two. Bits and bites.

Oh, yeah. May Lee, may low. Coming in at number one, a beef jerky. All right, the jerk. Anyways, that's a weird question to ask anybody. If you suspect that somebody has beef jerky on them, don't ask. But what? Business, is it of his?

Did he open your bag? No, no, this wasn't the security. This was the guy standing next to me in line. The guy at security didn't ask me if I had beef jerky because he, it's none of his business. He knows that. Did the guy look like he had done a body swap with a dog? He was like, he's still got that sense of smell.

Yeah, and he was wearing a leash instead of a tie. And he was with a dog carrying a briefcase. You're right. This does check out. What else is going on? Anything? Here's a... Okay, so I was walking down Queen Street. Enthusiasm's back.

And, like, this is like any major street, but, like, there's some people here that walk real slow real slow like they're walking back in time I don't understand how they're getting anywhere they're walking so slow

but I hit a real log jam on Queen where everybody was walking slow and I was like what the fuck is the holdup at the front of, and I like went out on the street to look and it was a teenage girl on a hoverboard. Everybody else is shuffling down the street

because of this Yahoo. I thought you meant that that everyone was lined up, whoa, and hoverboard. Like, back to the future. So yeah, so there's that. What happened? I'm staying in an Airbnb in Chinatown where I picked up these cool things and this.

For the homeless nerd, Graham is dressed like a maniac. cool thing. And this? For the homeless nerd, Graham is dressed like a maniac. The guy that sold me this shirt, he was so glad to be selling it. You could tell. When I was like, because it was hung up like he had to get like a hook

to get it down. Because every so often it would swing around and the glare would get him in the eye. Ground to point. So he was very excited that he had somebody to purchase this shirt that he ordered too many of. One. One. And my Airbnb is fine,

except when I went to, like, went to the bathroom. Isn't every Airbnb fine? Yeah, it's fine. That should be their slogan. It's fine. Except when I went to the bathroom for the first time, there was a bug I've never seen before in the tub, and I was like, what?

When you went to the bathroom for the first time ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, what do I do? And what is this? I started drinking out of the toilet. I was switched with a dog. I'm the one who was switched with a dog. Anyways, this bug.

So what was that bug's deal? It was like, yay big. What color? Like blue and red. Oh and it was had like a lot of legs is this a common bug out here is this no is it a spider man yeah it was a spy it was a small he was friendly i remember that about was he in the neighborhood yeah yeah okay uh so then i was like i'll just i'll just pour some water into the tub, and then it'll go down the drain.

If anything, this bug loves the water. Start swimming around like an Olympic champ. So then I was like, you know what? I'm just not going to use the bathroom. I just went back upstairs. It's your room, bug. Toronto's an interesting city. It is. It's your room, bug. Toronto's an interesting city. It is.

It's got a lot to offer. Yeah, I talked about going to Mr. Sub a bunch of times. That's written down here. Hoverboard Girl. Yep, I think that's it. That brings us up to today. Thanks, everybody. And I've been doing a fringe.

CrossFit? Yeah, I've been doing CrossFit. Can't you tell? I walked by a CrossFit place today. Somebody with ropes? No, but like right in the front door. These must have been for show. The giant tires that like an excavator would have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just flip those over. That's what they do with them. They were just for show. No one's flipping tires. The price of real estate here, you got room to flip tires? That's true. That's got to be real.

Like, you can lay a tire down and have a nap. Or you can go in and have your friend roll it down a hill. Sure. But does that get you in any kind of shape? Not a hilly city. No, that's true. just roll it down queen and then the hoverboard girl just finally showed up by somebody uh when i was watching that dumb batman versus superman movie hey oh hey zack snyder here tonight um there's a scene where uh bruce way Wayne gets in shape by doing CrossFit. He's going to fight Superman.

CrossFit's not going to help. I better get my abs in shape for that guy what has lasers come out of his eyes. But like, isn't Batman always in shape? It's not like, ah, January 1st, I resolve, I'm going to. I can't fit into that suit like I used to. Or all these shots of muscle milk.

Should we bring out our first guest? I'm dying to. Oh, yes. Well, our first guest, ladies and gentlemen, she is one of the founding members of the sketch troupe Picnic Face. She is a hilarious comedian and she has a book coming out this fall. So she is also an author. Please welcome to the stage, Ebony Rosen, everybody.

Hi, everybody. Hi. Oh, that's great. Oh, thank you. Come here. You can sit here. I'll move there. Oh, I can sit here.

Right before. You can sit here. I'll move there. Where did all those beers come from? Right before I came on stage, just like a very gentle employee of the theater came up to me and was like, can you take these on stage? They're really shaking. There's around a lot. I was like, yeah.

So there's more now. That's very nice. Hello, Ebony. Hi, guys. Hi. For the home listener, they're beers that you brought on stage. No, they're beers. It's weird if you can't see us.

Now, have you ever been inside of this giant complex before, or is this your first time down in the harborfront? It's not my first time, but the last time was during... Do they still do the milk festival milk oh yeah if you ever wanted to go to a hot summer festival and have it be sponsored by a drink that you should have thought for sure everyone should drink this here oh it's full of kids and it's 35 degrees yes please so it literally is put on by milk i thought thought it was like a Harvey milk or, you know. No, it's not an acronym. It's not like must island.

Come on, keep going. No, it's just, is milk. Of milk, milk, lemonade, and fudge, I would only want one in the summer. Fudge. Yeah. Fudge. Hot fudge in the city.

Ebony, who did you see at this milk festival? Oh, God. Okay, at least two struggling improvisers dressed as a cow. Did you come down to laugh at them? I think, I didn't know yet that that was a shape I was going to feel embarrassed for in my future because I was like eight, I didn't know yet that that was a shape I was going to feel embarrassed for in my future, because I was like eight. I didn't know yet, but I was like, oh, there'll be a time

in my life where I must also climb inside the bottom half of my cow. I haven't reached that part of my career yet. Why would you need two improvisers for that? It feels like there's very little yes and I guess we're going to go left. Yes, and don't separate from me. like there's very little yes and. I guess we're going to go left. Yes and

don't separate from me. How long have you been an improviser for? Oh, God. I hate the way that question is phrased. Okay. Was that formative moment what did it for you? Oh, yeah. I really

like the way that the back half of this cow is like sort of inserting some fun in the legs in a way that it's like it's a true consummate performer back there. But I remember when I was a kid I saw a busker doing busking things and I thought that is the best

Oh for sure. Right? Yeah. So like was there a moment like that when you were a kid where you were like, this is what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be a comedy person? Or did that come later? I can't stop thinking about this cow. Neither can I. But you didn't want to

talk about the cow, so I tried to move it away. But let's talk about this cow. Was it, like, fuzzy body? Yeah, yeah. But, like, plastic udders? Were the udders accounted for? They had to be at the milk festival. Were they lifelike?

Were they squirting? Yeah. Was this a black and white or a brown and white cow? This was a black and white cow. Utter is just kind of a damp wet in the summer sun. I'm going to say it was sort of like a, just like a plain cotton body with like felt black spots attached. Yeah.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I'm feeling this. Yeah. Well, good night. Um,

I don't know why, uh, I know this, but, uh, like there was like a cruise line that did improv on the cruise line forever. Oh, yeah. I think Second City's on a lot of cruises.

It just, they're done. It's over. Yeah, just this week. What? They announced no more improv on the cruise line. The cruise line was going out of business. No, no, no. Because of the improv.

I was going to say, yeah, that would have been my angle. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know, would you ever have done anything on a cruise line? I've never done a cruise. Really? I've never done a cruise. No.

Never? Because I came close to being on a cruise as a comedian. And then I think they saw my act and said, because not because I'm pretty political. Yeah. I'm pretty political. Yeah. No, I just think, like, they want kind of really clean,

really, really, like, you have to entertain, like, grandmas and stuff, right? Oh, yeah. And, like, kids. And I think there's a lot of, like, I think they have a lot of, like, weird preset games that you do when you have to do.

The weird thing about Second City, from what I know, I've never done it. They're not listening. But you have to, like, you have to do the weird thing about second city from what i know i've never done it they're not listening um but you have to like you have to like watch old tapes of old sketches and be like we will learn it we will do it they will love it so it's very intense thing so they're doing like these sketches from the 80s on these cruises and like weird improv games for like oh it seems sad let Let's do Mr. T Game. That's something from the 80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how you just say anything from the 80s, and it's a game. And it's a game. Have you ever been on a cruise? Once. And what was your experience? Were you eight at the time? I was close to eight at the time. It was a big year for me.

Did you board the cruise here after the Milk Festival? I just want to zero in on that one day. I'm going to rest my voice. You got a lot of fizzy beer to drink. No, it was a cruise. My grandpa took us on a cruise to Alaska. He thought, I'm not going to do it how regular people do it.

I'll do the cold one. That's the opposite of a cruise. That's a juice cruise. A juice cruise? It was a juice cruise. Was it fun as a kid? Because I've gone as an adult, and I didn't find it to be all that fun. I found it to be quite disturbing.

Did you go on the Faces of Death cruise? Because, okay, so like... He went on a scary cruise. But like... No, it wasn't a spooky theme cruise. Did you go on the Kid Rock cruise? Oh, I can't even imagine. Oh, it's just smell.

Like the smell. The smell of the Kid Rock cruise. I imagine the smell of the Kid Rock cruise is how I imagine the one thing they never acknowledge in time travel movies. Like if you go back a thousand years or like a hundred years even in time, the smell is going to blow your mind.

Like they didn't have plumbing. It's going to be wild. That's what it's like to step on the Kid Rock cruise, probably. Like, stepping into the Middle Ages. No, it's like, picture wherever in Toronto is where people on a Friday night are the worst. Like coming out of bars and puking all over the place. Where's that in Toronto?

So imagine you're confined on a boat with King Street. And there's no escape. Because people, they get on and they've paid like one price to just eat and drink unlimited. There's no, so they just have a card that you scan at the bar and so there was... Wait, is it unlimited or is there a card you scan?

Make up your mind. Well, I think they did the card thing so that people at least had to count how many drinks they had or at least were to count how many drinks they had. Or at least were sent a thing like, last night, you swiped 72 times. But there were these... Just a weird shame session you have in the morning

in your small cabin at the whims of the sea. That sounds terrible. Just like a sheet of paper under the door. Yeah. Also, we have some footage of you. Kid Rock is very disappointed in you. Dear sir. Captain Rock.

I like that in my idea of the Kid Rock cruise, he is piloting the boat. Yeah. But he, well, he drops the kid when he's behind the sails. Please, I'm Captain Rock. Yeah, I'm Captain Rock. There's nothing childish about the sea. Thanks. But I saw that, like, on the cruise ship, there was all these, like, very these very, they're not fancy, but they sell a lot of crystal vases

and fancy scarves and things like that. And everything comes in a gift bag. I saw so many of those gift bags filled to the brim with puke. So that is what I'm talking about. And you can't jump overboard. You have to just be on this cruise until the end of the cruise. And you know what's on the cruise too? All those bags of puke.

They got to offload those at a port. That's the part of Titanic they don't show you. Small Swarovski bags full of puke. Or those little, those blue Tiffany boxes. Oh, yeah. Ew. Just a woman walking wearing a beautiful tennis face. Holding a box full of puke.

She said yes. So, Ebony, what else is going on? Tell us about your life. What's happening? I just feel like so little has happened to me since I last saw you guys. Oh, but I went to D.C. last weekend. Washington?

Washington. The D.C. Not the other one. What for? For fun. What's happening to you? What's happening to you? No, we got a cheap flight.

And then I have cousins who live there. So we stayed in a weird, empty, not ready for consumers Airbnb in Arlington, right next to the Pentagon. It was so weird. So what wasn't ready about this Airbnb? Because I think I'm also staying in a similarly unready. My family's gone to prison a couple times for real estate fraud, so they may be doing your Airbnb, I don't know. That sounded real.

Yeah, is that real? That's real. Your family? Like you all went... Grandma... We're going to try you as a family. It's pretty unorthodox, but I'm a wacky judge.

We alternate every year between a Jews cruise and a Grinch trip to prison. No, it was not ready. How is it not ready? There was no internet, which was fine. And then my cousin had put like a very fancy lock on the door

that didn't totally work, so there's really no way to ensure that your valuables were staying where you'd put them. And there was nothing on the floor and little furniture. Okay. Like tiny little friendly giant furniture yeah. Friendly giant furniture? Yeah, they got that kind you got putting in water

to get it big and they had to turn on the tap. Oh, cool. Yeah, sick. I mean, Ikea's pretty convenient with the flat packed boxes, but imagine like a couch that was a pill.

That would be so cool. Just wet it in the tap. Yeah, Neo, which couch do you want? Then he eats it and it immediately explodes when it stands inside of him. Yeah, as a couch bursts out of its stomach. No, I didn't mean to eat the...

Neo, you moron. Those sequels are bad. Yeah, they are. They are. Those two that made the Matrix series, it feels like they might have made the Matrix just

by accident good. Because everything else that they've been given to make has been an unholy disaster. I'll take umbrage with that. Okay, go ahead. Everything they've made has been great. Point counterpoint.

Turn my chair, okay? I want to hear you talk about Jupiter Ascending. Yeah, Jupiter Ascending might be the craziest. Did they do Cloud Atlas too? Yes, they also did Cloud Atlas. Was it Cloud Alice? Yeah. The woman named Alice?

No, no, no. You're thinking of something else. Anyways. Yeah, Cloud Atlas is where Tom Hanks dips a toe in blackface. Uh-huh. Watch the movie and tell me I am incorrect. Right? Yeah, it's just a taste,

but it's still a taste that no one should ever taste. Still too much. But Jupiter Ascending, you've seen as well? Oh, Jupiter Ascending is... What is it? It is... It's Channing Tatum on roller skates. But he's also a dog.

Yeah, he's also part dog. He also has dog ears. And Eddie Redmayne. Is that his name? Eddie Redmayne? It's the rapper Redman. Like, the Academy Awards acting it's the rapper Redman like the the Academy Awards

should put an asterisk next to his Oscar win and been like but we acknowledge that he was also in Jupiter Ascending

just screaming like everyone it just felt like it felt like one it felt like a super cut of like theater school auditions as a joke. It was just people who did not get in.

But he just screams every line for no reason. Or he'll crazy whisper it. Yeah. I'm whispering. I'm an actor. If you haven't seen it, it's on Netflix, and you must, you must see it. But The Matrix is so good,

and then the sequels were so bad, and then everything else has been bad. Were you into The Matrix? Like, did you get it? Yeah, I had a long leather coat. You had the sunglasses? Yeah, I had the sunglasses. You kept cutting off the sides of your sunglasses,

and they would just fall off. I tried to make friends with Lawrence Fishburne. He wouldn't send back my, he wouldn't respond to my letters. What else did I do? I slept in goo. You did this a lot. Yeah, I got my brother to shoot bullets at me.

But shoot it slow. Yeah, yeah, shoot it slow so I can... Slow? I said slow! Whoa, that's really common. Brother. I'm covered in goo. I can't move fast. I just woke up. From my goo pod. Oh, but wouldn't it be so nice to sleep in goo, you guys?

Like, imagine that there was a way to go into a pod, it fills up with goo, you don't suffocate. There's something on your face so you don't suffocate. Then you're just in goo for 8 to 14 hours. And then the goo drains out, it washes you off, and then you get on with the day. Am I nude?

Yeah. Oh, I mean, unless you're on that German flight and then they give you pajamas. Yeah, goo pajamas. They're tighter when they're for goo. You don't want the goo sliding up. What did you see while you were in Washington D.C.? I've never been

I know a giant Lincoln statue Yeah, we saw him You saw him? We saw him Giant Washington's penis Yeah, Washington's penis Yeah, we saw George's big old dick

What else? Keep going. The White House. We saw it from just a really irritating but funny rooftop bar where you can see the White House from up here and then you can just sort of see a bit of it and everyone's like, cool. We're not changing our sign.

Says view of the White House and you kind of get that. Arlington Cemetery. Yes, we were staying next to, we were staying between Arlington Cemetery and the Pentagon and this like weird house I don't know how my cousins purchased. Oh wow. Frog.

Jail time on the horizon. Did you see the Pentagon? We saw the outside of the Pentagon. We tried, we thought we, like idiots, we were like, I bet we can walk to Washington from here. And then we were like, this is a land of freeways. We walked like eight minutes and we were like, oh, no, it's two hours away.

So we just called an Uber to the Pentagon. Which felt very insane. And then we took a lot of photos outside of the Pentagon and then saw a huge terrifying sign that was like, you don't take photos at the Pentagon. And we were like, oh, no.

So we didn't post any of them because we got scared. Fair enough. Does the Pentagon look like anything from the ground? Because I know it's quite impressive to see it from the air, but... From the ground, it's like you see a big wall, and then you're like, well, there's a wall that curves out a bit that way, but when I look the other way,

there is also a wall that curves out a bit that way. Nice. Yeah, it's pretty sick. That is pretty cool. Now, 9-11 inside job? God, it's so hard to know. But from your perspective. Well, from my perspective, looking at

that one wall, and I thought, either side. They got lots of cigarettes. What was that? Cigarettes. Alright. Did you see anything in Washington D.C. that like

you didn't know was there to see that like there was like was there a cool was Lincoln an ape when you were like yeah

good question yeah oh yeah and then there was a lot of people on their knees being like it was a I forget the end

of the line of that movie what does he yell on the beach oh it like, it was a, I forget the end of the line of that movie. What does he yell on the beach? Oh, it wasn't, it was us. That's not the end. It was us. I'm on holiday.

Well, the one where Lincoln's an ape is the Marky Mark one. Yeah. So I think he yells, it's such a good operation. Not even his part of the song, Dave. What I did not. Still a deep cut and I'm proud of you

There's a lot I didn't understand about that ending Do you know the ending The Planet of the Apes where they come down And it's Lincoln ape Do you know Why not ape Lincoln I mean, that's a great question I guess that's true.

That's true. Why didn't I? Yeah. Well done, Dave. Yeah. He's been sitting on that. Yeah, I've been saving my voice. But in the movie, he's not Abraham Lincoln.

I don't understand why the statue would be of Abraham Lincoln, but with a chimpanzee head. I don't think I saw the remake where this happens. What happens? I don't know. Like now that I'm saying it, I'm like, I'm not sure. Marky Mark is on a planet of apes. Yeah, this we know.

It's the planet of them. We know that. With Canadian supermodel Estella Warren. So far I'm on board. And, well, it was a Tim Burton movie,

so I get, was Johnny Depp in it? Yeah, Johnny Depp is probably in it. He played all the apes. And then he escapes and he lands in Washington, D.C. He escapes.

Really good. Oh, he caught fire. I flew a long way. And then he's in Washington, D.C. and he's like, cool, I'm here. Everything's normal. Let's check out the sights in my space costume.

And then it's Ape Lincoln yeah I'm gonna stay at my cousin's Airbnb there's a lot more vines in here than I would expect anyways that is a much more confusing ending to that movie so wait he knew he was on earth the whole time but he's like it's

probably just this one part that's talking walking apes and if I just get to my own patient's capital, everything will be fine and I'll forget my experience. Yeah. Our next guest. Do you want to bring out our next guest? I think that's probably safe.

Yeah, why not? This gentleman, a very, very funny man. His most recent album that you can buy it on iTunes is called Demons Are Eating My Head. Please welcome Mr. Chris Locke, everybody. Thank you. Hi, Chris. Hi, how's it going? Good, how are you?

Good, thanks. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. Let me just say it's nice to have you two gentlemen in the big city of Toronto. World-class city. Thanks for coming. And I don't know if anyone's ever said this to you guys before,

but you guys are two good men. Did you know that? Yeah. All right. I don't think anyone in this crowd has ever said that before, so I'm just letting them know. That's like a really mayoral greeting you just gave us. Welcome to my town, folks

That's the prequel to A Few Good Men A Couple Good Men Soon you're not going to be able to handle the truth No, that's like Oh, that's where it came from The truth is getting pretty slippery Chris Chris, hello Hi The truth is getting pretty slippery. Chris.

Chris, hello. Hi. I wanted to thank you because today you made me a man. I wanted to thank you because... Yeah, that's what I meant about all that stuff earlier. You're a good, good man. You have a podcast called... I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you guys... Okay. Uh-oh, he's going to go on a rant. One of Chris Locke's famous rants. What? No, I mean, the people listening can't tell. People here, I'm going to take off my hat. Just take it easy, all right?

If you're listening at home, Google my shitty head. I have a podcast called... ChrisLock'sShittyHead.com There's two. Go to the right one. Yeah. Chris Lock's shitty head. ChrisLocksShittyHead.com There's two. Go to the right one. The other one is... Dirty. Incognito browsing, if you catch my D.

Unbelievable. Oh! You unbelievable... My podcast is called Utopia to Me. Thank you. Some people know it. Very nice. I'm in my own city.

When I listen to your podcast, you asked the guest what their idea of a utopia would be. Graham's been on. Have you been on? Graham's been on. Have you been on? Graham's been on. I have. I did just hit myself in the face with my microphone. And one thing I notice when I listen

is that you always come back to your two favorite things in the world, Indian food and Tom Hardy. You always ask, so what would the food be like? Like Indian food? In your. You always ask, so what would the food be like? Indian food? In your idea of the perfect world, is there different levels of spiciness?

And can you eat as much as you want and you can still have a really good body like Tom Hardy? I love spicy food and I love spicy dudes. I'm like, Tom Hardy... Tom Hardy was in a movie called Lock.

Was that a big day for you when that came out? Yeah, yeah. That was my equivalent of Canada 150. Canada 150, the actual day recently, I was like, who gives a shit? This ain't no lock in the theater. Played by... Yeah, this Labor Day, lock it up.

But what I was going to say... Tom Hardy makes me want to go back to high school and put pictures of him in a locker. And I'm married to a woman. I'm a straight man, but, you know, people, you know, if anyone asks me if I'm gay, it's like, well, no, I don't think so, but if I was hugging Tom Hardy, I'd be like, hug

a little longer, Tom. It's fine. But I asked you, I sent you a message saying, hey, what's a good Indian restaurant? And you told me. And then the next day you were like, actually, can I, because I was planning my trip.

This was on Tuesday. And then on Wednesday you were like, actually, I might come with you. And I was thinking about it all night. And then you realized you couldn't. So I went to Indian food today by myself. I took an Uber. That's the name of the restaurant?

Yeah, Indian today by myself. Yeah. I took an Uber. That's the name of the restaurant? Yeah, Indian Food by myself. I took an Uber, and I don't know why I felt like I had to lie to the Uber driver that I was meeting my friend Chris. Because I didn't want him to take me right to the restaurant. It's near a park. I had him drop me off at the park where I'm meeting my friend Chris. It's the Toronto vibe, man. You got to be cool here or you're dead.

You're going by yourself. You know, they'll just drop you off in the lake. You're not cool. Or they'll take you to a Jays game. Either way, that's for out-of-towners, yeah. But you went by yourself, and what did you get? You knew that was going to be the following. I wished you would come with me, because then we could have shared stuff.

Yeah, you probably got something bad. I got the butter chicken platter. Yeah. Oh, shade. Their worst platter. And you leave tomorrow morning. Oh, shade. Their worst platter. And you leave tomorrow morning. Oh, my God. Do you know of a breakfast Indian place?

Or an all-night Indian place? But the thing is, for people that are from here, if you order Benjar delivery, maybe Benjar wouldn't like me saying this, but they're big sponsors of the podcast. So tread lightly. What the hell is he doing? They're listening right now in the kitchen like, huh?

Don't say it. Don't you blow this, Chris. Don't you say it. Uh-huh. All right. What? Anyways, people listening don't know that I imitated smacking bugs. I didn't know that. Oh, listening don't know that I imitated smacking bugs.

I didn't know that. Oh, you didn't know? Yeah. I was like, what part of Indian food needs a hammer? Is there like a whack-a-mole back there? You just moved your hand flatly twice and then made the sound of a whip that doesn't work. No, no, no. Okay, let's rewind.

Let's hear that sound again. You guys can see the action. Wait, what did you say? A whip? A whip that's like wet or something. A wet whip. I always get fly swatters and wet whips mixed up. Listen to this and watch this, you.

Wet whip. Wet whip. Wet whip. That's a moist whip. Imagine Indiana Jones whipped a guy and they're like, ew, because it was wet. They're like, why is your whip, you're good at that. I was soaking that in my toilet all night, you Nazi. Yeah, yeah. Soaking this in brine.

Ew. Okay, can we allaking this in brine. Ew. Okay, can we all go around and do our fly swatter noises? Yeah. Okay, I'll start. Oh, no, you added more whip. It's like the whip was drying out a bit. It got the first sound. Okay, wait, I got it this time, okay?

Listen to this. I got the first sound. Okay, wait. I got it this time, okay? Listen to this. Yeah, that was good at the end there, yeah. My hat. Does he ever say my hat?

Every movie. Every three minutes of it, Indiana Jones, like he goes, ah, my hat. I'm good at everything else but holding onto my hat when you said indie and snakes

I was picturing a guy who was like we're gonna go see an indie movie and then like he's so disappointed where's Harrison Ford this is a lot of

Winona Ryder being sad. Everybody in this movie is keeping their hats on. Okay, your noise. Oh, okay. Like a fly swatter? Yeah. You thought I forgot. Fuck!

Oh, my God. Really good. Fuck! Oh my God. Really good. The front runner. Yeah. Thank you. I didn't see a cow do improv, so. Pew, pew. Auga.

Auga. Those are all noises from Indiana Jones movies. But if you order Benjara at movies. But if you order banjara at night, but if you order... Chris Locke. Yeah. On message. Takeout is the servings are three times as big

as if you go to the restaurant. So you get banjara for breakfast the next day. Ah, there you go. And you get palak paneer. You know, you get like aloo gobi. Anyways, get what you like. That's what I get. My favorite, I went out for...

And chicken vindaloo, sorry. Anything else? Yeah, probably chicken tikka masala. Okay, I'm sorry. Do you ever get a drink? Me? Never. Yeah, probably chicken tiki masala. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. Do you ever get a drink? Me?

Never. Good God. Yeah. I asked them to send me a water and a plastic cup. That's water coming out of the tap. My hat. My wet hat. This is my impression of everyone working at Benjara.

All of our hats! I'm sorry I'm ruining this. No, you're not. Oh, no, sir. I went out for lunch with you the other day. Oh, you made time for Graham? Yeah. Oh. And he's been on your podcast?

Pardon? And he's been on your podcast? Yeah, but you live... Surrounded by children, dogs, and also on the other side of the country. Yeah, but you live surrounded by children, dogs, and also on the other side of the country. Yeah, that's the big one. Yeah. I remember when I did your podcast, I showed up and we

had miscommunicated about the time, and so you were mid-exercise routine when I showed up. Those were the days. And so you were like, oh, my God. You came at the wrong time or whatever. And you're like, but we'll do the podcast.

So you went and had a shower. But then your wife came home. She also had a shower. She said one of my favorite things that anybody's ever said to me. She walked by and she's like, sorry you showed up at bath time. I didn't know that. Wait, this was before Amy was born?

Yes. This was adult bath time that I showed up for. Yeah, we have a brand new daughter and we go into the shower and pass her to the other person when it's time to shower. But my wife is really funny and she's a comedian and writes

and acts on TV too. She doesn't write on TV. That'd be weird. Like a really boring Bob Ross. Just like, I'm writing the word tree forever. Forever. This show's called This is Boring, I Know.

So? Yeah, that's really funny. Thank you. She's funny is what I'm saying. Yeah, she's hilarious. But we went out for lunch. Your wife, Ellen DeGeneres, we should say. Yeah, she's hilarious. But we went out for lunch. Your wife, Ellen DeGeneres, we should say.

Yeah. And Tom Hardy? Eh. But your... The place that we went to for lunch was very good. But your pitch to me... Mr. Sub. Mr. Sub. Pineapples and mushrooms. Gross. Sub. Mr. Sub. Pineapples and mushrooms.

Gross yourself out. Mr. Sub, the all-sorted sub. It's the only sub you can find on the floor, and it's fine. What is the all-sorted sub? I don't know. I have no... I think it's just a bunch of different slices of pig. It should be called The Sad Pig.

I just watched Okja. Do you guys watch it? What is this? Oh, we shouldn't talk about it. This is the movie about a genetically engineered pig. You'll love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, oh boy.

It's about a charming child who grows up with a giant genetically modified super pig and then a factory shoots it in the head in front of us. What? Tail is old as time. Yeah.

Genetically modified super pig and the beanstalk. What else is there? Yeah. Genetically modified super pig sat on a tuffet. There, you see? Oh, yeah, of course. The funniest person's over there.

Yeah. I didn't catch what she said. She said the three little genetically modified super pigs. Mo, there's a part in the movie where they hold a gun to the freaking thing's head in a factory. And they're like, we're going to kill this and then sell it as meat to eat. It's a freaking pig, kid. And the kid's like, don't. But everyone at home was like, Jesus Christ.

And then for a whole day after, you never eat Okja. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. I haven't eaten Okja since. But then two days later, you're like, I'm fucking hungry. And Mr. South's right here. Do you have an Okja vindaloo?

Yeah, can you put some tandoori on that Okja? Drizzle honey on it? Why, if they could make a genetically engineered super pig, why would they need to make it alive? Why can't they just make it a blob of meat? Because, tell me why. Because John Ronson,on is a co-writer and Boon

Jong Ho or whatever what happened no I think that's the director's name right and they co-wrote it because I think they make Super Pig Joe what's his name Okja at no point was he called

Super Pig Joe Super Big Joe. Super Big Joe, come back! Dave left the stage because he's outraged. No, like, they're hardcore vegans, I think, so they wrote a movie with an agenda so that when you watch the movie, you know, you get it. We lost the whole

person because of Super Big Joe. And you just had to pee. One time I tried being a vegetarian. Oh, he's getting some popcorn. He's getting some popcorn. Genetically modified cheese popcorn. Don't! That's my friend! I tried being a vegetarian

for like a month once, and then my wife and I were in birth class, and then... And there's a lot of meat platters. You watch videos of meat coming out onto a platter. Dave knows, but like... It's true, there's some poop too. Could you keep the poo away from my brand new child?

That's all I ask. I paid $30 to take a cab here. And you're just mixing the child and the poo. Did you really take a cab to have the baby? We had a home birth. You just got served. Oh, man. Step up three.

Home birth city. I took a cab to my home from the hospital for other reasons. I was like, can you look at this? And then got the text, what? Had to race home. You really, you did a home birth? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, some of it's detailed on my album, Demons Are Eating My Head. Good night, everybody. No, but when I'm watching the videos in class for some reason. Oh, I literally thought you were going to say, when I'm watching the videos of the birth, I do every week. Like, I literally thought you were going to say, when I'm watching the videos of the birth, I do every week.

Like, that's what it's like. You got to see the video of my home birth. I'm so funny in it. And I got paid extra. No, but the thing is, is watching the videos of the babies coming out of...

Strange babies coming out of strange women. They make us watch that. It is strange. Like, the people who volunteer to be filmed for a prenatal class video, they're exactly who you think they are. It's really funny. Yeah, they're not stylish.

Oh, sorry, Chris. It's really funny. Yeah, they're not stylish. Oh, sorry, Chris. Yeah, they're not wearing the latest trends. No gladiator sandals. Yeah, this ain't your run-of-the-mill Tom Hardy flick. I'm only making a baby and some poo, apparently. I'm dizzy from laughing. I was watching these videos

and I started craving chicken. I was like, I need to eat chicken so bad. And I don't get it. And then I texted my friend who's like a hardcore meat eater. And he knows that I was trying to be a vegetarian for like a month and I'm like,

I need to eat chicken so bad, but I feel guilty. And then he writes back, what would they do if you didn't eat them? They just walk around in the woods for 20 minutes clucking until they die. And I was like, he's right. And then ever since I've eaten so much chicken. In the woods.

It's true. If we didn't eat chickens, what would they do? Tell me. They need us. They need us for that. Yeah. That's how Okja ends. Turns out this genetically modified super pig needed us to eat him.

Well, we really learned a lot. Yeah. Do we want to move on to a little segment we call Overheards? Yeah, I think so. All right. Overheard. Hey, audience. You still with us?

Yeah. In it for the long haul, this audience. Good, because we need you now more than ever. What's going to happen is Graham and I, and I want to say Ebony and Chris, are going to do our overheards. Now, these are things we hear. And then you'll get a chance. I didn't think about how you're going to get on stage.

I think you go around this way. You'll get a chance. I didn't think about how you're going to get on stage. I think you go around this way. You'll get a chance. If you haven't overheard, you can come up on stage and give it to us. I overheard that. Huh? That guy's whispering. Oh, he said move the mic down. Yeah, but I want to...

Look. I run things my way. Yeah, somebody burped really loud over here. I just overheard the craziest burp. Yeah. That was like a Foley burp that you like... Like, did we get that on tape? We could smell that.

That was like a perfect like... It's okay if they come up on. They use that for Indiana Jones movies. This is a very professional show, and we won't allow it to be. People are trying to whisper it to us really like stealthily. Ah, ah, ah. Do talk loud. So we'll figure that out when it happens.

Yeah, but we always do like to start with the guests, and we'll start over here. Ebony, do you have it over here i have one this happened to me tonight before i came but it is prefaced by me saying that i was in a softly embarrassing place uh before i came here okay look guys it's fine look my boyfriend and i sure we went to a bar that only serves ciders. It's okay. Oh, what is the name of this place? I don't, I feel I outed too many things tonight, and I don't want to out it. It's on, it's good. They make cider.

Only cider. But, so we were at this cider bar having, if'm being honest we're having a flight of cider sampling different different time up um this sounds like i'm explaining what someone overheard of me being embarrassing but i didn't hear someone else um but you're saying that and it was very clearly like sort of like a like a like I don't know if it was a Tinder date, but like a new date kind of next to us. And they also had a flight of ciders, but in a way that I'm like, you don't know each other well enough to not be embarrassed by this choice you made. So they're kind of making awkward conversation and the guy said just like pretty good. And then he goes, I can still crush a grape juice though, in a way. still crush a grape juice though in a way i took to me that he was talking i i i thought he meant like i can also i also know how to drink wine i think was what i thought he meant but then she went

what you mean like welches what you mean like welches and there was a long pause and then he went yeah and then I just went back to drinking their ciders yeah I feel like

I could crush a grape juice what does that mean yeah I'm imagining a juice box that's what she was imagining too crushing it

yeah I'm also thinking about a grape crush. These are all the things that are going through my head right now. And how long has it been since everybody here had any crush product? Long time. I feel like that's the turbo-less pop. When was the last time you had a crush?

I can't remember. I had an orange crush. I was at somewhere that had a vending machine and that was one of the options. I was like, orange crush i was uh at somewhere that had a vending machine and that was one of the options i was like orange crush maybe that'll be my thing and i had like two steps i was like oh this is so sweet it is so it's crazier than i remember it but it's uh it's like uh can i tell you something that made me remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, I collected G.I. Joes,

and they always had stats. You pointed right at me when you said, when I was a kid. Yeah, I was a kid like that. I'm a bit older than you, ain't I? No, but like, they always had information about the G.I. Joes on the back of the package, and I got Major Blood, who was a real bad guy, and his main thing,

this is the only thing I remember from my childhood. One of the bad things that Major Blood is known for is he brushes his teeth with grape soda. It's true! And when I was a kid, I was like, holy moly. Like, what a badass. Yeah, I want to do that! it's true and when I was a kid I was like holy moly like what a bad ass yeah

I want to do that am I bad you know I remember I once got a bad guy I don't remember who he had spiky hair

and on the back one of the things he did was bribery and I I read it out loud and my mom was like do you know what that is

and I was like it's like when you was like do you know what that is and I was like it's like when you're like I have a puppy and she said that's bragging I'll give you this puppy to keep your mouth shut that's bribery

no thanks I have a puppy already look officer I know you can see the drugs behind me but I have a puppy already. Look, officer, I know you can see the drugs behind me, but I have a puppy. That's why the Sopranos was so good.

A motorcycle cop drives away with your puppy on the back of his motorcycle? Yeah. Shh. Chris, do you have an overheard? So I've done this segment a couple times with you guys before, and I feel bad because I realize I don't really get overheards in public because I'm always listening to rock and roll. Oh, wait, which one were you doing?

I was going ACDC. What were you doing? Wipe out. Wait, how does that go? You think that guy that does the laugh at the beginning gets residual? Yeah, yeah. You guys missed it at home, but I got money fingers. Yeah, money fingers.

But so in my apartment today, we have a pool in our building, and some family members were over. And my nephew was getting ready to use the pool. But down the hall, I heard him say this to his mom. He's eight years old. And he goes, Mom, can you shoot me with a gun when I'm in the pool? So he's going through this phase where he likes to pretend that he's getting shot by a gun. And his mom's like, maybe.

Maybe. If you're good. No, mom, sell it! Sell it! When you moved into the building, were they like, you're not going to have a home birth in the pool, are you? I was like, we'll see. Maybe. Yeah, you just sold a place to a little devil.

Dave? Mine is an overseen. Overseen here in, I want to say Toronto. Yeah. Dave? Mine is an overseen. Overseen here in, I want to say Toronto. Welcome. On Church Street. I was walking down. Minding my own business.

And then I looked in the window of a place and they were like a, what would you call it? I'm not sure. Like an aesthetics? Aesthetics or aesthetics? Like waxing. Oh, not like, oh, this is a nice room. A spa of some kind. And there was just a poster for this product that is a gentleman's manscaping bomb called Proud Cock.

Very good. That sounds great. Yeah. Yeah. And the picture is a cartoon rooster holding a razor in one hand, and the other hand holding his hat over his crotch. Wow, that is confusing. That's freaking... That's so scary, I know.

It looks like he just cut off his dick. And he's sheltered it with his hat. Yeah. And then there's another bottle of pomade with Indiana Jones across from it going, My hat! Go die in the woods, you rooster. Every call back in one. Graham, what's your deal?

But I made a mistake. I cut it off. What? Yeah, that's all right. My overheard. His dick. That's all right. My overheard His dick Came courtesy of This was last night I was walking home

And it was really I was walking through a really clubby kind of area And there was Two bros On the sidewalk Watching the third of the bros Park, parallel park. And he really nailed it.

Really nailed it. And one of the bros went, oh, yeah. And then the other bro goes, yeah, yeah. And then they both started singing the theme to entourage

to what? to entourage no way yeah yeah yeah what is there to sing? are two guys going but they knew the words whatever the words are

so anyway so that was my over. Now, I alluded to it before. If you haven't overheard, don't be shy. You go. Heave your body up onto this forefront stage. Yeah. Someone will show you your way up. And we'll just, you know, talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be shy. This is a... Oh, I see. They're moving. Oh, boy, there they go. Oh, they're moving. They just won.

Fresh oak jaw. Oh, boy. I am Spartacus over here. What if all the people that stood up just left the theater? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is their chance. This is a walkout. Oh, there's a lot.

Keep them short, eh? It's the first. Hello. Hi there. Hello. This is their chance. This is a walkout. There's a lot of people short. It's the first. Hello. Hi there. Hello. What is your name? I'm Matt. Hi, Matt.

Hi, Matt. What's your deal? No real deal. I have an overseen. Okay. Those are valid. I was at the Bathurst subway station today on the way here. Local reference.

And there was like a sandwich shop or something there. Mr. Sub? Not as highbrow, sorry. So they had one of those bright red and blue light flashing signs that said open on it. And it was on and flashing. And right over top of it was like a cardboard... Something ripped off a box and black sharpie scrawled closed. something ripped off a box and black sharpie scrawled closed.

I feel like there was a more energy effective way to indicate that your store was closed. We made a deal with the devil. We don't know how to turn off this sign. We put all our money in this sign. There's no meat in there. That everybody. Now, I'm looking at this lineup backstage.

Can you keep your overheards to six words or less? Hello. Hi. Hi. What's your name? I'm Kat. Hi, Kat. Are you from here? I am.

Cool. So this is a little bit old, but I guess I've been holding on to it so I could do it in person. But it was at Eglinton Subway Station. Woo! Woo! And I saw two teenage girls, and one was holding the other one's face, and she said, Your eyebrows are strong as fuck. Whoa!

That's important. That is very important. Cat, everybody. I wonder what would have happened to that girl if her friend let go of her face. Their eyebrows would have ruined Eglinton Station. Well, she couldn't let go because her eyebrows were strong as fuck.

She was trying to get her hands off his face. Hello. Hello. Hello. And you are? I'm Noel. Hi, Noel. Hello. So it's an overheard from a Costco walkie-talkie.

And you were a customer? I was a customer. Okay. Or just a Costco brand walkie-talkie. Help! What's the Costco brand walkie-talkie. Help! What's the Costco brand? Kirkland. Kirkland walkie-talkie.

Yeah, yeah. Kirkland walkie-talkie. Yes. Go on, Noel. So it's a... Can I get a clean-up in the olive oil aisle? There's been an oil spill. Ah, yeah.

That is... Noel. Ah, yeah. That is fun. Noel. Noel, everybody. That's why it's fun to work in places that have groceries. You get to do a little funneling, things like that. Yeah, you make a pun for the rest of your life. Come on. Get up on that thing.

Oh, look how tall you are. I'm going to take this off. What are you? Oh, he's going to do a set. Jesus. This guy's overseeing everything. Someone build him a brick wall. What is your name? My name's Kevin.

Hey, Kevin. So my wife and I were at the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel, and it was a pretty empty theater, but there was an elderly gentleman in the row in front of us, and he was with a younger woman who was maybe like his daughter or his granddaughter or something, and he was kind of making like side commentary to her throughout the whole movie. And you couldn't really hear it that well.

But then towards the end of the movie, it's not a spoiler if you haven't seen it, but a character gets this like spacesuit slapped on him that's kind of a bubble that encases his whole body and shot up into space so he can survive. And the old man just goes, the theater goes quiet, and you just hear him really clearly, saved by a bubble. That's a good one.

Kevin, everybody. Wow. I don't like how people can decide when they're telling you, this isn't a spoiler. Anyway, he loses his hat to a bunch of Nazis. Hello. Hi there.

Hello. Oh, hello. Hi. Hi there. Hi. My name's Gabrielle. This is two people in a row, two or three, in jean shorts. Welcome to Toronto.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. All right. Anyway, this is an overheard from a Starbucks up at Yorkdale, the mall. And it was this middle-aged man on his cell phone. And to whoever he was on the phone with, he goes, she's spending money and I'm just admiring her spending money. Aw.

Class. Gabrielle, everybody. Get on up. Hi. I'm Anna. This happened to me on King Street on the way over here. We were walking and the strains

of hypnotize were bumping through the air, the Notorious B.I.G. song. And my sister was like, oh, someone is jamming. And then a car drove up and it was a white Cadillac and the license plate said love to jam. What? Buy a lottery ticket. Anna, everybody. That's amazing.

I mean, I love to jam, but I would never want other people to know. Yeah, I never thought of that. Come on up. Get it. Hello. Hello. I'm Tina.

Hi, Tina. Thanks for coming. How far did you come tonight? From Massachusetts. Oh, shit. That's amazing. Did Anna also come tonight? From Massachusetts. That's amazing. Did Anna also come from Massachusetts? Awesome.

I know things. We had dinner together. I'm very nice. Yeah, he's very nice. He's a nice boy. Nice by Dave is uncomfortable. So your parents were Always remembers A college professor and a therapist

Yes that's true you always remember Something like that And Chris you were bald I remember that Good memory He did put his hat back on Tina if you would Thank you.

So this overhears from Massachusetts. And I was at the gym, and we were doing sit-ups, a few of us in a row, and a woman next to me, very kind of prim and proper woman in her mid-60s, lovely, but never sweats. And she's doing sit-ups, and the song by Drowning Pool comes on, the Bodies song. Oh, I thought it was maybe a deep cut by Drowning Pool.

Definitely not. And when the part happens where it's the, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, she turns to the person next to her and goes, oh, this brings back memories. Oh. Tina, everybody. See you there, everybody.

My favorite, there was a, when that Jason in Space movie came out, that was playing in the trailer, and I saw it in the theater, the trailer. And after the trailer, someone in front of me went, oh, good soundtrack. Hi.

Hello. Although, you know what? Bodies don't hit floors in space. That's a good point, Dave. Hello. Hi. I'm Kevin. Devin?

No, Kevin. Kevin, all right. We already have a Kevin. Can you be a Devin? Can you be Devin? Is that all right? You can call me Devin. All right, go ahead. I don't give a shit. Okay.

Hi, Kevin. Hi. So I was in a video game store a couple weeks ago, AC Games on Spadina, and I was taking back some... What, do you work there? There was a pause for applause, you guys. No, no. I'm sorry, Kevin.

I've been rude. That's okay. Kevin, go ahead. There's another gentleman in here, and he was talking very loudly on his phone to someone he was supposed to meet there, I guess. And he was saying, he said, you sound like... No, I already said Siri.

You sound like Cortana got Parkinson's. Oh. I don't know what any of that means. Like I know what... Kevin, everybody. Kevin. Yeah, I felt like I was watching Battlestar Galactica. Because I know what Siri is.

Cortana is the Google Siri. Okay. So who's Alexa? VibraCell. What did they say? They're drunk. Hello. Hi there.

Hey, I'm Sasha from Ottawa. Hey, Sasha. Wow, thanks for coming. Thank you for coming all the way from Ottawa. You drive or take a train? I took a ride share. Ride share? Yeah.

What is that? It's when you go on Facebook and you find people who are going to a place and you go with them. Wow. Who are your ride share mates? All Jays fans?

Just people going to baseball games? I'm not allowed to say who I took the ride share with. Oh, no. Sasha. Fierce. That makes sense. Guys, let's go.

So I was at McDonald's about a month ago. And it was the McDonald's where the guy took a baby raccoon out of his jacket during a fight. It was the same one. Wait, wait, pause. I've already used up all my questions.

Yeah. Luckily, I still have one left Expand on that There was a brawl At the Rooster Street McDonald's And a guy Just walked in with a trench coat Opened it, pulled out a baby raccoon That's the whole story.

Yeah, that's how you break up a fight. All right, everyone, look at this. Touche. Okay, please continue. So I was there, and there's the person whose job it is to bring the food from the kitchen to the counter. And they just walked about halfway between the kitchen and the counter and they just stopped and just looked into

the distance for five or six seconds and just said, fuck. Are you kidding me? That was the best. That was the best. That was the best. I would love it if the second part of that sentence was, I forgot how to get to the counter.

What was I doing? Sasha, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Hello. That was fantastic. Hello. Hey, guys. Hi.

I'm Jesse. I'm from that way. Hello. That was fantastic. Hello. Hey guys. Hi. I'm Jesse. I'm from that way. Yeah. I saw you at a coffee shop earlier. Hi Jesse. Hey. I was there too. I saw Graham see a guy who recognized Graham.

It was this guy. I was like, I'm going to drink my coffee. So my wife and I were coming here. We got off the street, and coming towards us were a guy and his date. And the guy was super excited, and he was pointing across the street and said, ooh, have you ever had Quiznos before? Such a great sub.

So much better than Subway. Jesse, everybody. All three sub franchises have been mentioned. So many long sandwiches on tonight's episode. But what if that was your ace up your sleeve on the date? Like, wow, should we pass the Quiznos? Yeah, we're going home together.

Hello! Hi there. What's your name? I'm Brittany. Hey, Brittany. From Guelph. From Guelph? Oh, yeah. Home of the Griffins and Sleeman Breweries. Everybody, hey, I studied up on Guelph before I came here. Was that a bad move?

No. Here we are, Brittany. So mine's not so much of an overheard, but a conversation. Get right up in that mic. Oh, am I not here? Okay, hello. Hi. So my friend's wife, it was a conversation with her on Canada 150.

Just some background. She's a family doctor, so she gets a lot of like, doctor, can you check out my situation, please? I get that too, but I'm not. So she's like, she's day drunk. She's like, oh, like I was at the worst bachelorette like last weekend. They made me take shots from these dick-shaped penises. And I was like... I was like, oh, like, I didn't know penises were anything but dick-shaped.

And just with this, like, thousand-yard stare, she's like, oh, you'd be surprised. I went on Britney, everybody! Oh, you'd be surprised. I would, uh, Brittany, everybody! I would also be surprised. Yeah. Let's all go down the line and say what our dicks are shaped like. Mine,

sunflower. Mine's like a hat. Mine's like Chris's. Everyone skip me. Mine's a big's Now Everyone skip me Mine's a big Regular dick Oh that was Sexist

That was flat out sexist Of me to To skip you This is our last guy Am I right? Yeah This is the last Hey

Woo The last overheard Are you from Halifax? Uh Sort of Yeah That shirt is Yeah Right? Yeah my brother knows the guy The last overheard Are you from Halifax? Sort of, yeah That shirt is Yeah Right?

Yeah, my brother knows the guy Halifax artist Yeah, I have a bunch of his stuff actually For the home listener, no one cares Go on Instagram and look at who stole my bike He drew that Yeah Cool

For the people at home For the home listener,. For the homeless, don't do that. He's a cool guy. Hey, so I'm Glenn. Hey, Glenn. Hi, Glenn. I was the burp guy earlier.

Oh. We have background. Can you do it again? No, I'm not on command. No, come on, Glenn. No. Don't do it, Glenn. Anyways, I've had this overheard for a while.

Me and my girlfriend were at a Colorado show out in Ottawa. Yeah. And we heard two teenage girls, and they're like, you know black and white movies? Did you know that they didn't see in black and white? Have you ever heard of Quiznos? Glenn, everybody. Very good.

I definitely, like, I asked my dad that once. Like, so when you were a kid, did you dream in black and white? And what was his answer? Were you a dog? He said, no, you're an idiot. That's bragging. Well, that brings us to the end of this year's show. But, well, I mean,

it couldn't go all night, naturally. The tea party's been tuning up for two hours. They're going to sing their hit, Scones. Joke from 1997. But we're going to hang around if you want to say hello,

grab a photo, whatever. Just shake hands. If you want a photo, we'll put our arm around you. It doesn't mean we're dating. Unless you take me to a fancy sandwich shop. I'm going to need

a couple minutes to pee and also it may look like there's pee on my pants. It's not pee. We would both very much like to thank our two fantastic guests. Thank you for having me. Chris.

Thank you. Your album is available on iTunes right now. Two albums. Yeah, I got two albums on iTunes and other things, Amazon and stuff. And one's called Demons Are Eating My Head and the other one is called... The first one's called The World Is Embarrassing. The World Is Embarrassing. Both hilarious albums.

Ebony. Can I just say something? If you're Torontonians and you're not from Massachusetts, I'm working on a new hour that will be debuting at JFL 42 in September, which is the Just for Laughs festival here in Toronto. Go see Chris Locke at JFL 42. Yeah.

What does the 42 mean? There's 42 acts. It's embarrassing. Oh, okay. I thought it was like every year it was going to be a higher number, but it was like 42 again. Jeez, JFL. We've got a calendar. Oh, okay. I thought it was like every year it was going to be a higher number, but it was like 42 again. Jeez, JFL.

We've got a calendar. Groundhog Day. It's the worst, slowest episode of the Twilight Zone. It's always 42. Ebony. Yes? You have a book coming out in the fall. Sure.

What's it called? It's called What I Think Happened in Under-Researched History of the Western World. I cannot wait to read this book. Do you have any other things that you'd like to plug at this moment? Oh, no. No. Fair enough. But

writing a book, that's amazing, and I cannot wait to read it. Oh, thank you. And you know what? I'm doing a friend show while I'm here. If you got the time and the wherewithal, it's called Graham Clark's Not Here. It's real weird.

And you can come and see it if you like. And you know what? If you can't afford it, message me. I'll fucking put you on the guest list. I don't give a shit. Look at me with my brass fucking wristlets. And I would like to plug

I'll be having Indian breakfast tomorrow morning. Delicious Indian breakfast. At the 6 a.m. Sunrise Indian masala. Bye. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Thank you.