Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE with Jon Dore from JFL Northwest

Episode Date: April 13, 2017

Recorded live from the Biltmore Cabaret in Vancouver on February 23, 2017. Photo courtesy JFL Northwest.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. now we're having fun hello hi hi guys hello welcome welcome to the bill to the Biltmore Cabaret, guys. Hello, what a night. Some of our city's finest wallpaper. Here, the Biltmore Cabaret. We really like to use the space as much as possible.

We're not like your, this isn't your dad's podcast. But you know what, if your dad wants to listen, we'll have him. Yeah isn't your dad's podcast. But you know what? If your dad wants to listen, we'll have him. Yeah, does your dad have a podcast? This is my dad's podcast. He listens. He loves it. But he doesn't host it.

He's not here tonight. Oh, he got his hands on it. He would. Thank you so much for coming out. We didn't think anybody would buy tickets. We thought 10 or 15. And then we were, we're not good communicators. So we just assumed ticket sales were going badly.

Yeah, and we didn't ask anybody to confirm or deny that fact. We just stewed. Yeah, because we were afraid. Yeah. It's like if you feel sort of sick, and you're like, I don't want to go to the doctor because they're going to tell me that my body is sold out.

Yeah. Um Here's This is my favorite thing That happened this week Was Dave and I We went Uh Downtown

And that's it That's the end of the story Yeah Uh It's nice to get out of the house Yeah yeah yeah And downtown's got all sorts of attractions. So busy, so busy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People going hither and thither. We went and we did an interview for Satellite Radio with the fantastic Ben Miner. And after the interview, we were just chatting, and he said he had made some meatless meatballs out of walnuts. And I was like, well, I can't have that. You're an allergist.

I'm allergic. Yeah, I'm an allergist. And then he said, he was describing them, and we were like, what do they taste like? And he said, they were kind of like an Italian falafel. And both Dave and I simultaneously went, eww. Eww. What I love about that is when you started that story,

here's my favorite thing that happened this week. What I love about that is when you started that story with, here's my favorite thing that happened this week. Yeah. Dave and I went downtown, and I was like, nothing happened. Wrong. What are you going to pull out of your ass? Yeah. Something pretty delightful.

What I liked about it was that in the JFL Northwest offices in the hotel, they have a bunch of candy. They got sour keys. They got your Skittles. And they're just in jars, very colorful jars. And so you go, you have a little nosh. Or you don't, in my case. But in Dave's case, it was like,

bring your kid to work day. But they also had a jar of milk bones. Yeah, that's right. For dogs, I guess two comedians have dogs. So there's a huge jar of milk bones. And then I looked over their shoulder and there was an extra two boxes of milk bones in case they ran out. What are your favorite comedians with dogs?

Oh, boy. Mr. Bean have a dog? Mr. Bean? Is Mr. Bean in this festival? Okay. All right. Are you guys going to go see Mr. Bean in this festival? Okay. Alright. Are you guys going to go see Mr. Bean at the Nasty Show?

He fucks a turkey. Now I want to play like charades with you like a comedian. Mr. Bean? What would Mr like a comedian. Mr. Bean? Oh, no. What would a Mr. Bean charade be? Oh, no. That's pretty good.

It was always fun when he talked a little bit. Yeah, yeah. He would say one word. You guys, it's been a wild ride. How are you doing? You doing all right? Yeah. Yeah, okay.

On the way here... I'm just checking in. Yeah, I took a car to go here. Oh, yeah. And I turned it on, and the radio was on some station I didn't know and I just heard a little bit of Simply the Best

and then it ended and I was like oh well they went to commercial and then they came back and the first song after they came back was Simply the Best so 30 years later they still will tease coming up after the break. Yeah.

Simply the Best. We heard your requests. Big one tonight for Tina T. Simply the Best. We're going to play the best, you're the best around from the Karate Kid soundtrack. And those are the two songs on The Best FM. We play what we want. Only the best.

Who here knows the show? That's good. That's good. Two people, front row, no claps. Who here? Weird to come in front row, no claps. Who here? Weird to come in front row to a show that you don't know. Right? Who here don't know show?

Yeah. Who here don't know show? Yeah, weird. Weird. It's weird, right? Yeah, no, it's weird. Why would you try something new? Why would anyone do that?

Well, for those of you who are new, this is it. We're like the jewel of podcasting. Just bare bones. Just us on stage. A night without armor, am I right? Totally acoustic. That's apostrophe acoustic. Yeah. It's apostrophe acoustic.

But it is. It's this. We'll sit at one point. Because, I mean, this is... Come on. This is killing us. But can we do, like, one, like, rock and roll, like, back to back? Yeah, that's fun.

Right? Like Joe Perry and Steven Tyler. Sweet emotion. How many times have we sang this song, Joe? He just plays guitar. He doesn't answer Steve Steve, at any point.

Are we having fun? This is a paycheck-only gig for me. Did I tell the story on the podcast? When I was in Nashville, I got picked up by a guy, a driver, who he picks up famous rock and roll stars, country stars, whatever, and so I was asking him questions,

and most people... Yeah, you told this story. Did I? Damn it! Bears are... Yeah! I only need one. This is for the one new person.

Yeah. Well, these two people in the front, they don't know. They never heard this story new to them and you know what a classic to the rest of you we should do

a show that's just greatest hits yes that's like yeah that's just not tonight no no

but in the future yeah that's just like VH1 storytellers where we tell the stories behind the stories and then I told the story and there's no story like VH1 storytellers where we tell the stories behind the stories. And then I told the story and there's no story.

But in Nashville, mostly people, they will do a drop-in gig at one of these bars and a car will pick them up right backstage and drive them away. They don't want to be noticed by anybody. But Steven Tyler, everywhere this guy would drive him, he'd roll down all the windows

and jump up out of the sunroof and be like, hey everybody, look who it is! It's me, David Lee Ross. Who did you say it was? I wasn't paying attention. Eminem spokesman, Stephen Tyler. Or was it Skittles? Oh, I don't know. It was Skittles? Oh, I don't know.

It was Skittles, right? Steven Tyler, Skittles? Does anybody have a television here? The rest of the night is going to be rough. I got so many Skittles jokes. Another classic. Remember when a Skittle broke my tooth? Oh boy Embarrassing

I got a bone to pick with that candy I got yesterday at the JFL office Which one? What was the candy? Well here's what happened I just grabbed a handful Of sour keys They're my fave

That were available But weren't there also M&M's? I just grabbed a handful of sour keys. They're my fave. Yeah. That were available. But there was also M&M's? Yeah, I had some of those, too. Yeah, I had some M&M's. But then in my pocket... Stole some ciders on your way out. No, I put a bunch of candy in my pocket.

Like a hobo. Classic hobo. And then I was eating it, and this Skittle-looking thing was in my pocket. I didn't get no Skittle. I bit it. Crunch. Kharky. It was a Kharky.

Oh no. Whoops. Yeah. Which is how British people pronounce khaki. I know that from a racist limerick I once heard. Oh, now I hear the rest of the limerick. You can't tease me with a limerick, Dave. You know that about me.

There once was a man from where? Oh, wait, I put it together in my head? Oh, wait. I put it together in my head. Yeah, yeah. Barky? Yeah, sure, sure. Well, this has been fun, everybody. Oh, it's a 10-minute podcast.

Have you never heard of it before? It's called No Refund. It's called no refund. I like any comedy. I like a good beer buzz early in the morning. That's a line from Sheryl Crow's All I Want to Do is Have Some Fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were telling for them.

I know. I was about to go back to back with you on that. She was born on a Tuesday night. Easter? Yes. Yeah, Easter was. His daughter, Easter. Guys, Easter's coming up.

Any big plans? We're very close to Mardi Gras. Now, your daughter, not yet three, will you hide eggs? Yeah, we'll try that. Yeah, yeah, that'll be fun. That'll be fun to find the one or 20 that she doesn't find. Yeah. No, I use homing devices.

Yeah. Well, do you think we should bring out our esteemed guest? Let's do it. Absolutely. Let's release the beast. Well, this gentleman, one of our all-time favorite guests, and it's just such a pleasure to have him here to do a live podcast with us. Please, a big Vancouver welcome

for the very, very funny Mr. John Doerr, everybody. Thank you. Love you too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, bless your heart. There's four. But those are to share.

So, David, you need one? I passed one over. No, I got a couple. Thanks. Oh, you do? Oh, look at that. Why are you up there? Oh, hello. This will be fun for the home listener. Yeah? Oh, hello.

This will be fun for the homeless now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. David has a psychological advantage. Okay, now you're coming back down. Yeah. Hey, guys. Do you want to, oh, I don't know, get to know us? I would, I would. Get to know us.

Yeah. Very sweet. That was us. Yeah. Very sweet. That was adorable. John. Someone sang along. Hey, buddy. You got here yesterday for the festival? I did.

Okay. Yes, I did. Are we talking like that? Yeah. I can't remember if we discussed that earlier. Well, I told you I was doing a new spooky character. You said you were working on a new voice? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it good or is it bad? I like it. It's a little apprehensive. It sounds like you're never quite sure. But I died in a car fire? Spooky. I'm trying to make it spooky. Did you really hurt your tooth on a Skittle?

Yeah, yeah, I broke it. You broke a tooth on a Skittle? Yeah, yeah, I broke it. You broke a tooth on a Skittle? Oh, God. Old man Clark and his crazy Skittle story. For a second, I was like, that was my story. Back in, yeah, one day you'll tell the grandkids. And it was so embarrassing to go to the dentist who, like, it's just like, how old are you?

Like, why are you eating Skittles still? How old were you? I know. How old were you? Why are you eating Skittles still? How old were you? I know. How old were you? This was last year. Wow. Why were you eating Skittles? I don't enjoy Skittles.

I was in a convenience store and I just saw them. Enough said. Yeah, and I was like. Now I get it. I was like, yeah, Skittles. I remember that from when I was nine, I think. But they're not good. No, they are, though.

Do you like them, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing a new voice tonight, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adam and Skittles guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing about Skittles is, I don't have a thing about Skittles.

The thing about Skittles. No, they're. What is the thing about Skittles, David? They're delicious, is the thing. But they're just kind of waxy. They're waxy and they stay stuck in your... I don't like them at all. Texture-wise...

But they're soft. How did you get a hard one? That's a great question. Well, why not a... How weak are your teeth? Drink some fucking milk, Graham. Was it the first one you bit into? No, no, no.

Here's the thing with Skittles. Were you also eating a hammer at the same time? Was it just the Skittle in your mouth? Okay, so... You know you eat hammers every now and then, and we tell you, Graham, enough hammers. Oh, go eat a hammer.

No, I... Jesus Christ. Dave nearly fell off the chair. Oh, no. This chair's... Oh, the chair broke. You just skittled that chair. Got a little too comfortable. I was like, well, Graham's gonna tell a story. I don't have to tell it for a while. Don't lean back in it again.

It's gonna happen. Uh-uh. I hope it doesn't. I fixed it. You're gonna take that You're gonna take that chair To the uh To the furniture store And they're gonna be like Oh god

What have you been doing Leaning back in a chair What are you seven This was last year Yeah When did it happen I was an adult With children

Well there's Alright Anyway so Skittle But quickly So you broke And then yeah You were judged When did it happen? I was an adult with children. So Skittle, but quickly. So you broke and then, yeah, you were judged. He just did it again. I know, Dave. Good Lord. Dave's really mischievous. I don't lean back. It's fine.

It's fine. If you lean back, the podcast is over. If I die, it continues. And that's more important. Dave's really Mr. Beaming this podcast. That's a real Mr. Bean thing to do. You know what?

Did you say Mr. Bean doing the dirty show? Yeah. It's a fucking great idea. Like if someone would do Mr. Bean takes a driver's test. But dirty style? On stage somehow. It could be done.

His dick just keeps falling out. Of course, he's a genius. What I like to do is come on a podcast and talk about things I heard that you already talked about. We've been through Skittles and Mr. Bean thus far. I think we're good. Did you have a Skittle? We're dying to hear about Skittles.

You weren't biting a hammer. What did the dentist say? He judged you. No more monkeys jumping on the bed? It was a she. I know, right? 2016 was a complicated year. No, you know,

I put... Here's what I did okay and I'm not proud of it I'm a little proud of it I uh I poured most of the bag of Skittles into my mouth at once as you do I was chewing it

all together like a whole bag I was waiting for the bus I was like oh god I was picturing the bus. I was like, oh, God. I was picturing this like a drunk purchase that you brought them home. No, no, no. This is public.

This time saying 2 p.m. It's like a cigarette. You're like, you eat the Skittles, the bus comes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just shut it all down. Check this out, kids.

Always trying to impress the kids. Yeah, yeah. How do you kids eat your fucking candy? I'm going to show you something. always trying to impress the kids yeah yeah how do you kids eat your fucking candy I'm gonna show you something how big was the bag of Skittles by the way standard it was standard bag

it wasn't like a big movie no but I did can I tell another bus stop story that happened yesterday yeah are you asking permission yeah no I'm asking Gelman

our producer Gelman oh fuck Gelman hey Gelman Gelman do we producer. Gelman? Hey, Gelman. Do we have time for the bus stop start? Yeah, go ahead. I've never had this happen before. I was standing at the bus stop. That's never happened to you?

No, no, that happened to us. Oh, that's happened. Okay, sorry. I always stand. I don't like sitting on those cold benches. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. So I like sitting on those cold benches. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. So I was standing at the bus stop,

and these two people, I think they're a couple, they come up, and they're talking not to me. They're talking to each other in Spanish, but they stand around me as if we're a circle of friends. So I'm the only one in the circle that's like, what? So you became part of a conversation and you didn't understand the language? I didn't understand the language

and I don't know these people, but they stood around me like, our friend Graham. It's like a David Lynch film. That's terrifying. I wouldn't know what to do. I had to go stand in the rain because it was under a cover and they just scared me out of the cover. I forgot you asked to tell a separate story.

And I was like, when do the Skittles come in? And then it was like, I don't speak your language. But I think we all speak the universal language of this. Muy Skittles. God damn it David Can I please No no no It keeps the audience in suspense

They're wondering if it's going to happen again Well it's going to happen again It's clearly a defective chair It's like It's one of those dramatic things If you see a broken chair in the first act It better break Seven times by the third. Yeah.

We do have act breaks in this podcast. John, what's new with you? I thought you had more to say. John? John, welcome. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Lovely to see both of your faces again.

Thank you so much for coming and being a guest for the live podcast. Yeah. We did this here once before. It was a lovely experience. At the Biltmore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, all those seven people came back. Eleven.

Eleven. You're right. It's not like eleven. Now, we were kind of texting back and forth. You were like, I have some stuff that I, well, okay, let's talk about what we're talking about backstage. Sure.

Before the show started, you were telling me about the guy. No, not that. Let's talk about that. Yeah. You had, you had a seizure and,

and just out of nowhere. Yeah. Like a month ago. Yeah, that's true. They don't let you know. Yeah. Like,

like, wait, like the doctor never says, March 5th, 2017, you're having a seizure. I'm like, okay, I'll prep for it. That's why you should go to the doctor because they have the information,

but you have to go in to see them in order for them to tell you. And that costs money. You know what? I'd rather take the risk. But you know what? Dave did mention backstage, maybe we shouldn't talk about the seizure. It's a bit sad. And I think Dave's

right. I think Dave's absolutely right. So I apologize for bringing that up. But I know what you're going to say. The thing I was talking about was you had learned something about the guy who invented the Dewey Decimal System. Oh, fuck. Don't even worry about that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Melville Dewey. So I've always been like,

who the fuck, okay, Dewey. I'm like, why do we call it Dewey? It must be the guy's name. So anyway, I finally, in my 40th year of life, decide, hey, get online and find out. You didn't go to the library?

You used to have to. Well, I went online and found out the closest library through Google, went there, researched it. That's what you use the internet for. Well I went online And found out The closest library Through Google Went there Researched it That's what you use The internet for

Wouldn't it be cool If when you were Looking up Dewey It was just like His number in the Dewey decimal system Was one Oh yeah

He was just an egomaniac He was an egomaniac Tell me more This is what I find out So Oh god This guy He thought he just

Reinvented the wheel Right so Anti-Semitic. Let's start there. Also, and I'm not speaking at a... Or however you say that saying. I'm not telling tales out of school. I'm not speaking at a conference. Yeah.

Right? This is a bit of a conference. Yeah, I guess it is. You are speaking at a conference. Yeah, I guess it is. You are speaking at a conference. Tonight, welcome to Skittles. We're going to be talking about Skittles today. And Dave, you're going down in five, four, three. Yeah, so...

Don't joke about it. So then I find out also, groping females. Like, there's a story of him going to Alaska. He went to a library he went to a conference in Alaska and he was accused by multiple women for groping them and you find all this information in the library what kind of fucked him over he's like I'm gonna make it easy for people to access information and then it turns out you can access information

about yourself. Have you... I don't want to tell that story either. I thought you were going to talk about the Hogsback News. No, that's coming. Stay tuned. But have you... Used the Dewey Decimal System? Yes. Have you? I don't know that I know how to use it.

Yeah? Oh yeah, you must have. What? Is that with the... it's just numbers? I don't know that I know how to use it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you must have. What? Is that with the... It's just numbers? I don't know. I don't know that I used it. You must have... Did you ever go to the library when you were in school? No. I wouldn't, like, research stuff at the library.

I would just wander. Yeah. Oh, this looks good. Where's the Guinness Book of World Records? Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Whoa whoa look at those bulging eyes I Heard you all got the joy of sex in here somewhere But how do you find it?

Yeah, I used to do a decimal system I goimal System. I'd go to the drawer. Well, I'd go to the librarian first. And I'd say, excuse me. And I also had a joke about school shootings in Canada. But I'm not going to tell that either. Fair enough. So anyway, but I used to go to the Dewey Decimal System. And yeah, it's... Okay.

No. No, no. Three people want to hear it. We don't do jokes here. No, you're right right I'll get to it trust me I'll work it in later it's gonna happen

I'm not gonna do it right now yeah yeah cause I don't wanna feel like I was made to tell it but you're gonna get it and I thought of it while researching the Dewey Decimal System

but uh yeah you would go to the I'm not gonna fucking explain the Dewey Decimal System I just realized yeah everyone knows what it is you went to the catalog and not going to fucking explain The Dewey Decimal System I just realized Yeah Everyone knows what it is You went to the catalog

And it'd be like Okay books from A to C Okay Right Title or author And you open By title actually right And yeah

And you would open it And then you would find the title That you're looking for And then it would be arranged Numerically And then you could go through The library You just said I will not

Explain the Dewey Decimal System But I thought I could do it quickly Yeah You not explain the Dewey Decimal System. But I thought I could do it quickly. You cannot explain the Dewey Decimal System quickly. I think about that during sex. Instead of baseball. Oh, I see. Not like, where do I put the D?

What's the D? The D! Come on. I'll tell you one day, kids. When I'm through telling you those skittles, I'll tell you all about the D. Did you guys ever hear about the guy who invented the Heimlich maneuver?

No. That that guy was, he was insane. They must have thought he was insane at first. Yeah. I'm just gonna, that guy's choking, I'm just gonna fucking punch him in the chest. Hey, hey, hey, he's already choking. Let's not hurt him anymore. And I

know that's not the Heimlich maneuver. I'm well aware you go up behind them and lift their diaphragm. But if no one's around you are supposed to thrust yourself against a zebra or something? I've done it.

Have you done it to yourself? Yes, I've done it to myself. I was choking. Skittle? On what? Choking on a skittle? Big surprise. What were you choking on

and what did you jab yourself with? This was back when I still ate meat and it was a bone wedged itself sideways in the throat. And you normally would swallow them the other way. Yeah, I would dangle them. You used to eat up the butt, right?

Yeah. And I threw myself over the back of a chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it this chair? Because it's kind of wobbly. Did the bone fire out of your mouth? It's like a vacuum.

See, this is what they don't show in movies where it's like the Heimlich, the one thing comes out. Everything else is like, hey, you know what? Let's all go. And then you gotta be careful where you step with your all these like round colorful things like marbles that's something they don't show you in movies you're right what are your

favorite Heimlich maneuver movies mrs. Doubtfire yeah is that right yeah I didn't ever oh was she choking on that thing no she saved someone yeah Pierce Brosnan was

I mean from the audience that was judgmental yeah Pierce Brosnan you fucking idiot James Bond

was choking I don't think so doesn't happen the Heimlich guy it was weird that he played James Bond in that movie yeah what do you mean in the movie was choking? I don't think so. It doesn't happen. The Heimlich guy... It was weird that he played James Bond in that movie. What do you mean, in the movie? Oh, yeah.

I thought you were like, it's weird he played James Bond in James Bond. He would have had a better cue. Yeah. Maybe. What else did you puke up there, Graham? Oh, no. It's just the guy, the Heimlich guy, he thought that maneuver,

he thought it was going to be a cure-all. He thought it was good for getting you in shape. Oh, right. He was insane. He was like, not only is it good for saving you from choking, but also financial success. He invented bulimia. That's what he did.

Essentially, it's what he did. Great word, by the way. Wasted on an eating disorder. Bulimia? Sounds beautiful. Sounds like a resort. Like a southern... Welcome to beautiful bulimia. But watch where you step. Because of all the...

You got it. It does sound nice. Are there any school shootings here in Canada? Dave's chair broke again right in the middle. God damn it. Confidently leaning back. To try and sabotage me? School shooting talk?

It's not a good joke. At this point, it's built up too much. Okay, but we'll get it eventually. Oh, it's happening. That was weird. Hey, don't worry about it. Oh, fuck! I did.

The other... For the homeless, John just did finger guns. Yeah, I did finger guns. Or the car listener. I was at the improv the other night in Los Angeles and I saw... Do you know Dax Jordan? Yes. The comedian? Okay, Dax Jordan also was at the improv the other night in Los Angeles, and I saw, do you know Dax Jordan? Yes. The comedian? Okay, Dax Jordan also works at the improv, and he's

behind the counter, talking with a couple of other employees, and I see him, and behind me is like a full restaurant of people, but I see Dax, and I decide, I don't know what came over me, I decide, I'm gonna point, I'm gonna hide kind of around the corner, and I'm gonna point my finger gun at him, and when he looks, decide, I'm going to point, I'm going to hide kind of around the corner and I'm going to point my finger gun at him.

And when he looks, I guess I'm going to go, pew. Yeah. You know, like, my way of like, I saw you. Yeah.

I don't know what came over me, but I was like, I guess excited and there I was. And he wouldn't fucking turn around. So he's still kind of like, and I'm just holding,

I'm like, a four-year-old, I'm holding this and now I'm worried the people behind me are like, what's this guy doing? And then I started thinking,

fucking Oswald, how long was he, like it would have been, like I'm nervous about holding a finger gun and like Os, oh my God, that poor guy.

Anyway, but I'm holding, I'm holding the finger gun. No, no. It's about 45 seconds a minute, which felt like 10 years. And then he looked at me and I went, pow. And he went, wave. Hi, John.

I left. I did not stay. I was like, I'm going now. Because I was so embarrassed. But yeah. Oh, man. But holding, I'm an adult human. I'm over 40. Yeah. And I'm like, here I go. But. But yeah. Oh, man. But holding, I'm an adult human. I'm over 40.

Yeah. And I'm like, here I go. But that's never, I feel like that's never not fun. That's never not fun to do that. It wasn't fun then? Oh, yeah, I guess not. No, it wasn't. I'm telling you, it was genuinely, I was insecure that people were watching this adult pretend

to play cops and robbers. How many people were watching? I swear it was a full restaurant behind me. And they were all watching you? I don't know if they were all watching me. Do you think I had the courage to look back and see who was staring at me playing cops and robbers as a 40-year-old human?

I don't think so. It's like somebody's just about to break up with somebody and they're like, hey, is that John Torrey? Imagine all the conversations. Looks like he's about to do something fun Islamophobia is a real What's going on with this guy? I'm joking

I know that guy And I'm gonna pretend I'm in too deep I'm in way too deep We're getting to it Tell us You had sent us a message about, you had sent a message

to your dad. You wanted to find some stuff from your youth. Because in the past on our show you've read some song lyrics you wrote as a young man. Yeah. I wish I was a meadow. Or I wish I were a meadow. No, I wish I was a meadow. I wish I was a meadow. Or I wish I were a meadow. No, I wish I was a meadow.

I wish I was a meadow. You're right. My apologies. No, it was I wish I was a meadow. And the first line of I wish I was a meadow is I wish I was a cobbler. I wish I was a cobbler. So I try and find some embarrassing stuff from my past

for a couple reasons. Graham, you seem to love it. I do love it. Dave, you fucking just attack it. No. No, but in the best way. David. John.

David. John Doerr. So anyway, yeah. So I texted my dad because back in the day, when I was in the second grade. How old's your dad? How old is my dad because back in the day, when I was in the second grade... How old's your dad? How old is my dad? 70? Is he good at texting?

Oh, I see where you're going. Yeah, he is. He's good. I'll get a text from my dad every six months that'll be like, You should come for dinner tonight. Love, Dad. That's nice. He writes it like a letter. that'll be like, you should come for dinner tonight. Love, Dad. That's nice. He writes it like a letter. But that's okay. No, it's great.

When my dad texts, he always makes sure to include the word, like he says, my son, somewhere in the text. Hello, my son. Would you like us to come over and bring you a toaster for your new place, my son. Would you like us to come over and bring you a toaster for your new place, my son? Kind of sounds like he's got a God complex, to be honest.

My son. He likes the movie Superman. Darth Vader? Yeah, he thinks himself... He thinks he's Marlon Brando? Marlon Brando, yeah. I'd love to meet your dad. Have I met your dad?

I don't know. I thought I would have met him in Calgary at one point. Yeah, and they love to meet your dad. Have I met your dad? I don't know. I don't think I have met your dad. I thought I would have met him in Calgary at one point. Yeah, and they've gone and seen you do stand-up comedy. Oh, they did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How come I didn't meet them after? Oh, they did. Is this a conversation we should have after the podcast?

No, no, no, no. Okay. This is the fun. This is, you know. This is the fun. Yeah, this is great. It's loose and fun. So, but you sent us both a text.

Yes. And what was the name? Sorry, what's the name of the newspaper that this was for? Okay, so. Let's all take our phones out. Yeah, everybody. Welcome to phone corner. Do we have that theme?

But I thought this might be fun to share, much like. Or, you know, why don't I just pass my phone around the entire audience? We don't even have to talk about it. No one will take it or do anything weird to it. And you said you can put this up on the website, right? I think we have the technology. Alright. But I think it'll be

fun to explain it as well. So when I was in the second grade, there's a local community newspaper in Ottawa called the Hogsback News. Really? Hogsback. Shout out! Really? Shout out. You know it? Oh, indeed.

Wow. Are you from Ottawa? I am. Are you really? I am. Where are you from in Ottawa? Old Ottawa South. Old Ottawa South.

Very nice. Okay, yeah. So you're, yeah, you know, would for sure know Hogsback. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I live like Fisher and Meadowlands on the border of Nippian. But anyway, so...

Why is that funny at all? why is that funny at all I'm about to hightail it out of here so anyway so Hogsback News it was just like this shitty little community newspaper

right and not shitty but just a community newspaper and in December of 1982 they had a contest and kids could draw

a winter landscape and kids could draw a winter landscape, and the winner, their artwork would grace the cover of the Hogsback News. Now, can I ask a quick question? On the top, it says Hogsback News. There's a little illustration. Is that a dam? Those would be the falls, the Hogsback Falls. That's the falls.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know those? You can back that up. All right, story checks. Mooney's Bay,. Yeah, yeah. Do you know those? You can back that up. All right. Story checks. Mooney's Bay, right? And then they're locks, right? And then, yeah, the falls are there.

I'm not going to tell you the entire geography. No, no, no. But I just wanted to know. I just wanted to know what that illustration. And I told you. They're falls. Now, I don't mean to yell. I love you so much.

But I feel like we got to speed through. Yeah, we got you. Absolutely. So anyway, we got to. Yeah, absolutely. So anyway, my pitcher won. Yes. Now, well, hold on. How old were you in 1982? I know you're 40 now.

You've mentioned it a hundred times. Like, oh, should we have gotten you a cake? I would have a cake. Yeah. could we put Skittles on it I learned nothing I know what I'm getting you I know what I'm getting you everyday I'm mailing you Skittles everyday Skittle of the day club

I would have just turned 7 years old I would have been six turning seven. I was one of those. I'm like the Malcolm Gladwell... What was the book? It doesn't matter. Oh, what's your birthday? Where I'm supposed to be good at sports.

What's your birthday? November 2nd. Oh, okay. So, yeah, I could have played junior basketball. I thought you were born too late. No, I played varsity because I was fucking good. Oh, okay. Anyway. Actually, I played varsity because I was fucking good. Oh, okay. Anyway.

Actually, I was okay. That was great. If I could have dunked, I'd probably be in the NBA. But anyway. Yeah, if I was better at basketball, I'd be in the NBA too.

If I was the best at basketball in the world, probably be in the NBA. But anyway. Even at 40. But it turns out I'm not. I'm technically 41. But I said 40 because... Anyway. Because I'm still adjusting. but anyway. Even at 40. But it turns out I'm not. I'm technically 41, but I said 40 because...

Anyway, so... Because I'm still adjusting. So anyway, so my picture, Grace, is the cover, but would you guys help me describe this photo? Okay. Because I think the description will help. What do you think is there? Okay, so it's a winter scene.

Yeah, it's supposed to be a winter landscape. Those were the rules. So... There's a giant house. Yeah, on the far left, a two On the far left, at least two stories. Half a house, because I didn't even put the whole house in. It's like half a house. But it gives perspective.

You know that's a big house. It may even be a school or the big house prison. It's a residence. And then to the right, we have three snowmen That are classic Three circles One is wearing a top hat The second is also wearing a top hat The third is also wearing a top hat

But they are descending in size That's right But scale wise that first snowman Is a full story high Yes Absolutely The door to the house man is a full story high. Yes. Absolutely. The door to the house is almost the same size

as the windows. Yes. The house is massive and the windows are super tiny. What do you think is hanging above the door? That I was going to ask. There's a circular Is it a wreath? Yeah. Also, it feels like this is

a three-story house that the first floor, no windows. Then, second and third floor, windows. I'm not a smart kid. And then,

if you look at the snowfall, which are like, they're not even snowflakes. There was no attempt to make them. Some of them are half circles. I thought it was

a barrage of snowballs. Yes. That's what I thought half circles. I thought it was a barrage of snowballs. Yes. That's what I thought, too. I thought it was like a snowball fight. That would be even better. It's more a half-assed attempt to finish an assignment and then submit it. Anyway, okay. So that's that, all right?

So then, just to make this story longer, I want you to read the cover story. I'll just read it because it's here. So inside, they talk about the cover. And they say, We were delighted at the response to our cover contest. Almost 100 entries were received. Depicting every aspect of winter and the Christmas season. Or holiday season.

Some were very up-to-date featuring Garfield. The most up-to-date reference at the time. Well, buckle up. We're not done. Featuring Garfield, Pac-Man,

and of course, E.T. Sounded like they gotMan, and of course, E.T. Sounded like I got a little tired of all the E.T. ones. While others were in a traditional style of nativity scenes, Santa Claus and Snowmen. In making their choice of winners, the judges

looked for a simple, eye-catching picture suitable for our cover. Jonathan Doerr's entry caught the attention of each of the three judges. Right at the outset.

Well, this one's the frontrunner for me. Let's see if anything tops it. Yeah. They decided it was the most suitable. Jonathan is seven years old. He's in grade two at McGregor Eason Public School. Some very close runner-ups are featured on this page. Now, let me show you guys the runner-ups.

Oh, this is... Just tell me what you think of the losers. Oh, that's great. That's a good one. But let's be totally honest. Okay, I mean, like, it's a much better snowman. It's, like, you can see... Like, I couldn't draw that now.

No, the snowflakes are real good. This is fucking brilliant. The sledding scene is brilliant. Like, that lost to what I did. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, and there's... Somebody's on a toboggan, a dog is pulling them down a hill. You can see detail in the broom that the snowman's holding. That's one of them, right?

Here's another one. A Santa Claus with a reindeer in a big basket. These are beautiful fucking drawings, right? Okay. What happened here? I'm going to tell you what I think happened. They took one look at my drawing, and they said, this child

has clearly no support at home. They keep him on the first floor with no windows. We'll definitely develop some sort of mental disorder later on in life. Let's make sure that we reward him now and give him probably the only

the only gratification he will ever receive in his life. There's no other fucking way around it. When you see these runner-ups, you're like, those should win. Those are 1, 2, 3. Mine is like, you know, you throw it out. Pretend we never even looked at it.

I hope I don't dream of this. It'll be a nightmare. Here's an alternate theory. Okay, what's your theory? Okay, so one of the entries let's say the dog the toboggan dog one that kid maybe two of the judges

knew that kid's parents hated them and was like you know what not only are we not going to award this kid the prize they should win we're going to find the worst we not going to award this kid the prize they should win, we're going to find the worst goddamn thing. We're going to bury them. We're going to bury this kid.

I fucking love those things. This is a movie. How do we bury the kid of the parents we fucking hate? Because they play their music loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to make the idiot we fucking hate. Because they play their music loud. We're going to make the idiot win the contest. With half-finished snowballs

that are supposed to be flakes. This kid has been fast-tracked in an art school. The kid knows what they're doing. They're like, no, this is our one chance to bury those loser parents. But how many entries did they get that they were like, nearly 100. But how many entries did they get that they were like... Nearly a hundred.

But how many that were like... I don't know. Some had E.T. in it. But how many kids were that good at drawing E.T.? Like where they're like, I don't know what that is. Must be E.T. Or a scrotum. Yeah.

Is that a scrotum giving me presents? Now, in my world, that would win. The kid seems to be touching the penis. No, that's E.T.'s finger. There's a scrotum coming down the chimney, putting presents under the tree. That would be the winner. In my ideal world, David.

When I was about six, my church had a Thanksgiving drawing contest. Yes. When I was about six, my church had a Thanksgiving drawing contest. Yes. And I don't know why Thanksgiving isn't a Christian holiday. But I entered and I won with a drawing of Snoopy. You won too? Snoopy in a cowboy hat. Snoopy in a cowboy hat?

Yes. For the Thanksgiving art contest at my church. And for years, I didn't question why I won. I was just like, they gave me a kaleidoscope and I was like, yeah, life's easy. This is my point exactly.

Very similar experience in that I was falsely praised at a young age for shitty work, and I got hooked on it, and now I do mediocre comedy as a result because of the hogsback fucking news. Now, John, which is now defunct, Dave won a kaleidoscope for his work. What did you do? Was there a

prize besides being on the cover of the... Yes, the gratification of knowing that you're the champion. Yeah, absolutely. But there was no kaleidoscope. I think I got $1,000. I think they gave me a briefcase full of cash. I was going to buy a lot of Skittles.

But I... I remember coming into class and that was sitting on my desk. I was going to buy a lot of Skittles. But I, when I, no, there was no, but I remember coming into class and that was sitting on my desk. I remember thinking, that looks familiar. I think I did that. And then the teacher came by. That's a John Doerr.

It is a John Doerr. You guys have made me feel so good about this, actually. Yeah. I'm a fucking artist. Award winning. It's a John Doerr. You guys have made me feel so good about this, actually. Yeah. I'm a fucking artist. Award winning. It's a John Doerr. It's an original Doerr. I'm really happy right now.

What I keep picturing in my head is how bummed out a kid would be to get a kaleidoscope now. Oh, these days, right. Yeah, these days. Well, because it's now a Snapchat filter. Good recovery. Good recovery. Can I tell my

drawing story? So my dad at his company there was an annual I thought you cracked a nut or something. Like a walnut or something. I was like, what the fuck was that?

I thought you meant like across my leg. Did you crack a nut? Like Mr. Belvedere? I just wanted to give the listeners a full experience here. There's beers being opened, but go ahead. So an annual competition within the company that the employees' kids would have to draw things and whatever was the winner would be on the front of their calendar, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

And my brother won it one year. And it had to be safety themed. So my dad made both me and my two other brothers draw and my brother drew this beautiful, like he could draw it, he just naturally knew how. He drew this beautiful dragon and it just said,

stop dragging your butt about safety. So he won, right? Beautiful. He won. I just drew the Ninja Turtles. No hard hats, no safety. No pun? Nope. Here, dad. I did the thing Turtles. No hard hats. No safety. No pun. Nope.

Here, Dad. I did the thing you asked. Yeah. If you ask me to do it again, I'll draw elf. Yeah. Don't I tell you to wear the safety goggles?

Like you had to put something in there. You know? You needed a pun. You could have beat your brother. Yeah. I don't know any other Ninja Turtles.

I just found out there's a Canadian hockey player Ninja Turtle, or am I crazy? Was that Casey Jones? Yeah, that was my reaction when someone told me. Was Casey Jones Canadian? No. Was Casey Jones a hockey man? Yeah, he was a hockey man. Oh, okay.

Oh, he may not be Canadian. Someone just told me there was a hockey player in the Ninja Turtle movie. He was their friend? Yeah, we said it. Thank you. We said it into microphones. I've never, but I've never,

I don't think I've seen Ninja Turtles. I just, I'm aware of it because, you know. Yeah. Oh, the, you've never seen?

Never saw it when I was a kid. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad took me to see Howard the Duck once. Oh, that was weird. Weird.

That's the same. That's the same. I'm like, it's a comic book movie. I think I left going, oh, God, I got to see Howard the Duck once. Oh, that was weird. That's the same. I'm like, it's a comic book movie. I think I left going, oh God, I gotta draw a picture of something. Well, because in Howard the Duck there's two things that stand out that are like, did anybody know this was a kids movie while they were making it?

Because there's a scene where there's a duck with tits. That just has like duck tits. And then there's a scene where there's a duck with tits that just has like duck tits. Absolutely. Yeah. And then there's also a scene where who is it?

Leah Thompson. Leah Thompson and the duck are gonna... I don't know. And ducks have this very corkscrew penis, you see. Any kid that knows the Dewey Decimal System would have looked it up. So that wouldn't have worked.

I feel like it's sarcasm. Anyway. No, but seriously. It wouldn't have worked. It would have worked. It would have found a way. When your dad took you to that movie, did he realize at any point this is it for kids? Oh, he had no clue. He's like, oh, how are we done? He was texting through the whole thing.

I think my dad just thought, oh, this will kill a few hours. We'll go to the movie. Yeah, yeah. This was in Orillia, Ontario. Do you know where that is? No? Okay. Oh, wow.

Shit. Oh, boy. It was in Orillia, Ontario, where my grandfather lived before he died. Oh, no. I'm sorry. But anyway, when he was alive, he lived there. I don't know. I guess you didn't need to know that.

But my grandfather was once alive. You probably knew that too. But anyway, so my grandfather, when he was still drawing breath on this planet. I'm really, I'm going too far with this. But anyway, no longer with us. Buried. His choice.

It was in his jail. We honored his will. We honored his will. We're not maniacs. We're not monsters. We honored his will. You want to be buried? Sure.

Sure, we'll pay for it. It was pricey. But we paid for it. You know what? Fine. The same grandfather gave me $2,000 in inheritance that I spent on a brick of hash

and... So you could be a dealer. It's what he would have wanted. So I could start my enterprise and it was gone in a week. Yeah. Love you, Gramps. Your legacy lives on nowhere.

What does this have to do with? In the lungs of my cheap friends who wouldn't pay full price for a grandma hatch. What does this have to do with Howard the Duck? If you saw Howard the Duck that young, you might need some cash. We were visiting my grandfather in Orillia,

who's no longer with us. But he was once... But we did honor his... So my dad... You know, we'd have to do stuff, right? Because, yeah, you can't just hang out

with Grandpa all day. You'd get bummed out. They try their best, but at the end of the day, let's be honest, it's like you don't hang out with grandpa all day. But then, yeah, so he took me to a movie. He took me to Howard the Duck. We went to Mother's. Remember the restaurant

Mother's? No. Great spaghetti and pizza. Oh, yeah. Then he took me to Howard the Duck, and I remember leaving really horrified and disappointed. Was it the duck t he took me to Howard the Duck and I remember leaving really horrified and disappointed. Yeah, yeah. The duck tits and also he smokes

a cigar in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's reached pornography. The principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off gets all weird

and sweaty. Yeah, yeah. That's right. He becomes like an evil guy. Yeah. I didn't mind that. Not like in Ferris Bueller's

Day Off where we loved him. Yeah. Or in real life where it turned out he was a pedophile. Was Howard the Duck, was that the worst movie

you were taken to as a child? Because I know the worst movie I was taken to as a child. I'll be quick. This isn't the worst.

This isn't the worst, but I remember crying. My mom took me to see La Bamba. Yeah. And, you know, airplane crash. You were a big Lou Diamond Phillips kid. I was a Richie Pound guy.

10 million strong and growing. I was a Waylon Jennings fan. And we were in Aurelia again. Yeah. My grandfather lived before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lived over with us. The only movie in town was La Bamba. Yeah, he passed away.

He's moved on. He thinks he went to heaven. But anyway. We don't know. Yeah. We don't. No. So anyway, yeah.

She took me to La Bamba I remember bawling my eyes I was so sad at the end of that movie yeah Richie I cried so hard during that movie yeah yeah so that's that's the worst in that I was I never I've never left the movie theater bawling my eyes out yeah what was the worst I don't know I don't have one a bad movie experience not in the worst movie? I don't think I don't have one. A bad movie experience? Not in the movie theater. I was the youngest of four. Everyone sort of knew

why bother? Why bother to bring Dave anywhere? What do you mean? Why bother to bring Dave anywhere? It's just such a hassle. We gotta bring the... If we're gonna go to a movie, we're gonna bring the three good kids. Oh, no! I don't... Look, if we're going to go to a movie, we're going to bring the three good kids. Oh, no.

I don't know. Let's not bother. Was it because, oh, we can't... It's Scarface. We can't bring Dave. He's too young. That kind of thing? No, I don't remember.

Oh. Yeah, I don't have anything for this. You have no memory. Graham clearly had the story. Let's move on. You okay? Are you upset about the chair? We're gonna make it through it.

We're gonna make it through it. I'm gonna shift topics for a second. No, go ahead. I understand. My neighbor across the street His mom Was like I'll take you to I think it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

In the theater And we were like yay But she took forever getting ready And we were like movies start At a specific time And so we got there Movie had already started And so she was like, what else is playing?

So the next best thing, apparently, was the movie Ladybugs starring Rodney Dangerfield. That is great. I don't even know that movie. Ladybugs? Yeah. I don't know that one. Rodney Dangerfield's a kid. And Jack A.

Yeah, he's a soccer coach. And is it Jonathan Brandes? Yeah. Jonathan Taylor Brandes. He has to dress up like a girl to join a girl's soccer team. Because as a kid, you don't... Someone's got to remake that. That sounds good.

Yes. We need a reboot. But I remember... Which bathroom does he use, right? Too soon. That could actually go on. Tell us a little bit more about what you're talking about.

Should we talk about gender? You guys, you know what? Graham clearly has a story about gender. No, no, no, I've done my story. Finish your gender story and go on. It's the first time that I looked at an adult. Did he identify as a cisgender man? How did he identify when dressing in drag?

How did the kid? Oh, who dressed in, I thought Rodney dressed like a woman. No, no, no, Rodney thought Rodney dressed like a woman. No, no, no. Rodney made this kid dress like a girl so the kid could play on a girl's soccer team. Rodney was just Rodney. That was like steroids. Yeah.

And Rodney just needed some money, I guess, at the time and was like, yeah, I'll be the coach. You almost sound like him. He's a coach. Yeah. Right? Rodney Dangerfield's signature catcher.

Before we move on to overheards Yeah this one guy is very excited Same guy, school shooter Don't bring it up, I don't want to do it On the way here I stopped into my Local shopper's drug mart And there was a discount bin Buy you some treats

You bought treats? Yeah so I have them behind here I want to give you treats before we do the overheard. Dave, you can have one too, you know, whatever John doesn't want. But these are some treats. Because the last time you were on the podcast, you brought treats. Yeah, I did. Yeah, so I brought treats.

I got some treats. This is sweet. Yeah, so, you know, go ahead. And not last minute. Like, this was... No, no, no, no. I knew that that... There's not a Shoppers's drug mart for miles.

Right. How am I bringing any of this back on the plane? Oh, I can bring this. You can bring that. That's for reading. This is the greatest. So this is a magazine called Small Boats. Oh.

It's from the editors of Wooden Boat. Well, wait a minute. That would just be one magazine about one boat. Wooden Boat. Well, this is their 2017 issue. No, but Wooden Boat. One issue a year. Is that it? Yeah.

Here's this year's wooden boat. The best of small boats monthly. And there's a canoe on the cover, David. That's one of the smallest boats.

It's very tiny. I mean, you'd go kayak, canoe, paddle boat. Small boat. A guide to trailable small craft you can store and maintain at home.

And that's just the cover. Go through every page. I wasn't going to, but okay. Let's do it. Who are the big advertisers? Well, let's go through the table of contents. There's an editor's page, The View from a Small Boat.

Matthew P. Murphy, he wrote about it. He probably had something to do with, he's probably one of the editors of Wooden Boat. The View from a Small Boat. They sat around a wooden boat. I'd imagine The View from a Small Boat is, you know, probably some water. Yeah.

Hopefully some land. Almost eye level. Yeah, you might even see some land. I hope you see land. Otherwise, God, you're Tom Hanks in that Castaway movie, aren't you? You ever seen Castaway? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skate to the mouth.

I cry every time. I do. When he comes back and then they have... Oh, God. What do you do? What do oh God, what do you do? What do you do? What do you do? She had already moved on

and he loved her still. Was it Greg Kinnear? She moved on with Greg Kinnear? No, it wasn't Greg fucking Kinnear. It was the guy who does all the cop shows. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah, it was, she moved on with Wilson. He showed up and he was like, Will, God damn it, Wilson. Now you're fucking my wife? and he was like,

Will, goddammit, Wilson. Now you're fucking my wife? The best line in the movie in a weird way is when he comes back and they're in the kitchen, there's all that tension and he says, so let me get one thing straight.

There's a pause and she looks up, oh no, and he says, Tennessee has a football team? I'm like, that fucking ruined the whole movie at that moment. I was on board the whole time.

I was like, yeah, we know you got jokes. We know you're funny. Relax. Let's get back to the editor's page. I want you to see what else is in the back. I know, but I just want to read a little bit about the editor's page. Small books. I don't have to then, David.

No, no, I'm sorry. Let's see what else is in. I didn't mean to throw up, but he made me. This is... Well, what am I going to do with this? I use this. Yeah, yeah. L'Oreal Paris.

Tone cream... There's creme... I can't tell if it's French or if they're just calling... It's hair stuff. Yeah, but it's got Oscar-winning actress Diane Keaton on the cover. Oh, from The Young Pope. stuff. Yeah, but it's got Oscar winning actress Diane Keaton on the cover. Oh, from The Young Pope. Yeah.

Yeah. That's Diane Keaton. Oh, wow. Look at that. But then they've covered the original model up with Diane Keaton because they're like

the original model wasn't working and then they got in the boardroom and they're like can we create a flap that goes around it and then we could have maybe maybe diane keaton on there i find that insulting but i

like it thank you very much i'll dye my hair tonight i'll be blonde tomorrow we're doing a show tomorrow night i'll be blonde oh i can't wait just like you have you ever gone blonde john i've Gone blonde, John? I've gone blue-black. Okay. Like Superman. Yeah, like Superman. How'd that go? Were you goth? No, I just... Were you goth, John? Goth John? Are you lisping, or are you asking me if I was a goth?

No, I was... No, I was saying goss. I have a lisp, and I was saying goss. Well, that makes no sense. Exactly. Oh, you were doing that. Okay. Now I understand.

Now I understand. Now. Oh, you were doing that. Okay. Now I understand. Now I understand. Now, let me tell you something. I, uh... Offense. I, uh... No, it was just a little bit darker. Oh, my God, this is gross. Sardines.

Yeah, sardines. My grandfather would love this. Yeah, yeah. Got me some sardines. 5-5-5 brand sardines. Why 5-5-5? I don't know, but they were on sale. Yeah.

Good choice. Good choice. And, oh my God, there's a lot of stuff in here. Let me get through it. This is my favorite thing. Oh my, I would use this. This is banana sauce. But that's not titled properly.

Yeah. Is it banana sauce? It's banana sauce, and it's also UFC brand I didn't even see that And it's red It's red banana sauce Ultimate fighting Championship

Banana sauce Red banana sauce Now here's a quality one. Oh, fuck. That's going to make me cry. I'll do that one last. And then you also got me Muppets Band-Aids. Yeah, Muppets Band-Aids on sale.

I've got Kermit on one side, and it's got the guys from the balcony on the other. Yeah, I'll take those. You want those? Yeah, yeah. That's the one Dave wants. I'm a parent. And my children loves Dattler and Waldorf. Give them some banana socks. I'm a parent. And my children love Statler and Waldorf.

Give your baby some banana sauce. Kids love to chug banana sauce. Trust me. Yeah. Dave's chair keeps breaking. And then this is the sweetest thing of all. It's Belgian.

It's a Belgian milk chocolate bar. And there are four pieces on it. It spells out the word love. Yeah. it's Belgian. It's a Belgian milk chocolate bar. And there are four pieces on it. It spells out the word love. That's a fun grab bag, I think. Yeah, cool. I assume. I know. Yeah. Come on, buddy.

I'm going for a cigarette. Oh, goodbye. Hey, buddy. What time is it? 10, 50 something? Let's move on to Overhertz. No, no, no. Well, I mean, yes, yes, yes. I guess I'm in charge of the sounds. Oh, guys, here it comes.

There you go, love. Now, playlists. Overheard. We did it, you guys. Now, the reason I ask what time it is is because I am... I'm a father. Yeah.

And it's 10.52. Yeah. I normally go to bed at like 9.30. So if it's all right with you guys, I normally go to bed at like 9.30. So if it's all right with you guys, I'd like to start my nighttime routine. Yeah, sure, absolutely. Yeah. Here we go.

What is this? Oh, is this a face? Your mask? I don't know what this is. There's some moisture dripping from something. Yeah, it's something that Dave has just pulled out of a sealed green bag. It looks almost a little bit like a...

Yeah, it's something gross for sure. It's like a wet napkin. Yeah, it's kind of a wet... This is going to help with your pores or something? Is this what I see every woman on... Internet? Yeah, internet with this on their face? pores or something? Is this what I see every woman on the internet?

Yeah, internet with this on their face? I don't know what this is. Oh, gross! Dave! Gross! What are you putting on your head? What's gross about it? I don't know. It just fell half off and it was so gross.

Can someone set a timer for 15 minutes, please? I didn't expect it to be so wet. Yeah. Did I get the nose hole in the right spot? No, you nailed it. You look great. It doesn't look like burning flesh or anything like that. It looks totally normal.

Also, your one eyebrow is getting hella moisturized. Now, try and eat something through there. I have some sardines here. They're from 555. But see if food will fit through that hole. You can drink through it. You want to try some banana slaps? So that's not an inconvenience at all. You guys don't

walk through life. It's bedtime. I'm just winding down as I do every night with my traditional Korean paper mask from The Grudge. Now what?

I have some for you guys if you want them. Oh yeah! I'll take one. Come on, let's all put one on. Now what else do you do to wind down at night? Like this is part of your wind down. Oh, yeah! I'll take one. Come on, let's all put one on. Now, what else do you do to wind down at night?

Like, this is part of your wind down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't bring all the undulants. There's a pearl one. Let's see. I want the...

Algae. Algae. Hit me. Yeah. Let's see. This one is pomegranate, and this one is avocado. Pomegranate, please. Thank you is pomegranate. And this one is avocado. Pomegranate, please. Thank you.

Thank you, David. Ew. It's so gross already. Masque Vigia's grenade. Pomegranate face mask. Grenade is a pomegranate? Yeah, yeah, because it looks like a little grenade. Oh, right.

Wait, is that why they... Is that true? I think so. That's hanging on very well. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, there's a paper. But which side is the paper? The side that doesn't have a face hole in it. It's all gross!

Yes, I know. You saw it. Why did you say, yeah, me too? A very visual bit for this podcast. But yeah, so it's a Jason hockey mask here. It's good. Do you ever go in your kid's bedroom to check on them wearing that? Good night, kids.

Because I think you should. This just is a rag that's been soaked in shampoo. Does it irritate your eyes? It's terrifying. Yeah, it irritates my eyes. It's an irritation mask.

Am I pretty now? For the home listener, we look so cool. Mine came with a yarmulke. Look at that. Oh, shit. It fell off. Yeah, yeah.

Now, overheard. Yeah, yeah. Is this thing we do. Where in the world we go out, we hear things. People don't know how to control the volume of their voice. And so you'll go out, you'll overhear funny things, and we like to share them on the show Shalom I can't drink a beer through this

Because The hole is not right I know Yeah just pull the hole There you go Make your own hole. You look like a... It looks like a luchador mask

made out of a blister. It's so gross. Yeah, yeah. Now, John, have you got an overheard for us this time around? I have one overheard. It's not great. They never are. I always forget.

But I was at a comedy club, and I overheard someone say, like, how long is that guy going to hold his finger up and make a gun call? That's it. That's all I got. You got one? I do have one. Mine is from Entertainment Tonight Canada. Starring Rick the Temp.

And it was from Tonight. I have others but this one seemed, you know, in media's reds. I just can't get my mouth out of it. And here's what Rick the Temp said. Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson clearly has a thing for bad boys. So it kind of fits that she's now reportedly dating exiled WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.

Big bad boy. Yeah. That's true. Yes, yes. According to these rumors. Right, right, right. Oh, my God. Because he's a these rumors. Right, right, right. Oh, my God. Because he's a bad boy.

He's a bad person. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening with you? I can't see. Yeah. It kind of makes me like Assange. Yeah. Like fucking right.

My lips have gotten numb. Is that because of this? No, that was because earlier. Oh, okay. It's your dental work from a year ago. I also kissed an electric box before. Is that a true story? What?

Did you kiss an electric box? Who said that? I know it's hard to tell who's talking in these masks, isn't it? Guys, can we all agree that we'll take off the masks? Yes, Graham. Oh, sorry. In 15 more minutes. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, sorry. In 15 more minutes. Yeah, absolutely.

I won't agree to that. I'm wearing this till the bitter end. I want to be buried in my mask and you'll honor it. I'm doing two shows tomorrow, two shows Saturday. This is not coming off the table. You're going to be bleach blonde, wearing a mask. Do you want to hear about my seizure? No, let's move on. What do you got? You haven't overheard?

I do. I haven't overheard? I do. I haven't overheard there was a guy talking. He was talking so loud on his phone. Like, to the point that I was listening to music and I was like, Okay, I give. I'll listen to you talk. And boy, did he deliver. He was talking to, I have no idea, but he was talking very loud.

And he kept saying, Inspector Gadget? Inspector Gadget? You talking about Inspector Gadget? Then he said, The cartoon? What you know about that, son? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Eye holes are moving. Yeah, no one's taking these off. Okay. Oh, how young do I look? What year is it? Now, at this point, if anybody in the crowd hasn't overheard, they like to share. Or has a towel.

So slimy. Yeah, normally we would on our studio shows we read overheards that people have written in. We play phone calls. But in a live show we like to let people

come to us on stage. Yeah. If you have an overheard then... We have a microphone right here. Just come up to the side. Come up. Hello!

Here we go. Hi. What is your name? Do you want a mask? Yeah, do you want a mask? We got a couple more. We have an avocado. Yeah, grab an avocado. We have an avocado. Were you saving it? No, yeah. You know what? I'll save one for my wife.

No more masks. No more masks. We're out of masks. Such a romantic. What is your name, sir? Eric T. from Vancouver. Eric right. What is your name, sir? Actual towels. Eric T. from Vancouver. Eric T. from Vancouver, everybody. Oh, that's nice. All right.

Go ahead. Okay, so I was waiting for my fiancee who went into a... Congratulations. Yeah. Thank you very much. She went into a... Trance? Trance.

She went into a grocery store, and she came out with this overheard. The lady in front of her had a little kid who was about three, and the three-year-old was saying, Mama, I'm cold. Mama, I'm cold. Mama. And the lady looked down

Didn't even look down at her Sorry Didn't even look And said Go stand by the rotisserie chicken Perfect Perfect Eric T. from Vancouver

Perfect And great advice. Yeah. Guess what? Pretty sure I'm allergic to whatever was in there. Yeah, yeah. Are you having a reaction? My face is on fire.

I feel great. Do you? I do. I feel good. Yeah, yeah. But it's the grenade in it. Graham, you know what cures that? What's that?

Another mask. Oh, yeah? What do you got? Penicillin mask? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is your name? it Graham you know what cures that what's that another man oh yeah what do you got penicillin Matt yeah yeah what is your name sir I'm Greg Rutherford from Edmonton Alberta hello you didn't come it come from Edmonton for this did you know okay good heck now we are wrong I would have went to the BAMF show, maybe. Still tickets available. So I live in a house on Ontario Street,

which is kind of the north-south bike path. And I have a front porch where I'm just sitting having a beer late at night. And I hear these two guys kind of biking down towards the downhill, so they're fun and easy. If you're going the other way, there's no conversation. You're just panting and just getting through the next cycle. So they're going the other way,

and all I hear from a ways is them laughing it up and having a rip. And so the one's just like, oh, man, yeah, if you did that, you'd look just like that elephant hunter. And then a bit of a pause for a bit, and when they're kind of a little bit further away, all I hear is, from Jumanji. And they're gone. That was it.

Rutherford, everybody. Oh, man. You don't hear Jumanji all the time. Hello. I haven't seen Jumanji. No, me neither. I've seen Jumanji all the time. Hello. I haven't seen Jumanji. No, me neither. I've seen Jumanji. Yeah? Good? I didn't mind it.

They're remaking it. A book was better. Was it a book? No, I'm joking. No, it was a good movie. Sorry. We were talking about Jumanji. Have you seen Jumanji? Yeah, I've seen Jumanji. What's your name? Stephen Morgan.

Hey, Stephen Morgan. Go ahead. I've gotten overheard from the local university here. University of British Columbia. UBC! The suspense was killing me. I like to draw it... Out. Out.

Out. Yeah! So in this university, in a class, I heard a girl talking, and she said, I was just in California, and she said, you know... This is a conversation that was going on across the room, but it was in an astronomy classroom which might be relevant. She said

you know I was just in California and there's a lot of Mexicans there and the guy goes well California is really close to Mexico and she goes oh is it? Well I'm from Ontario. Yeah.

How would you know? Purpose is reasonable. Impossible to know. Yeah, it's impossible to know. Ontario is much farther from Mexico than Vancouver is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. This is absolutely true.

University of British Columbia, everybody. Yeah, the UBC kid. Also, I think you owe us a joke. Yeah, yeah. A very specific joke. He's not going to get there. He'll get there. You're not going to be pressured to do it,

but it's going to happen. And by the way, he already did it, and you didn't even catch it, so. Hello. Oh, hey. Yay, we know who you are. You know who I am. James Kennedy.

James Kennedy. Wonderful Vancouver stand-up comedian, James Kennedy, everybody. I was at a Vancouver Canucks game, the first hockey game I've watched in four years. And it was actually a live game. They're playing against the Toronto Maple Leafs. And the woman sitting behind me clearly had never been to a hockey game before. Because she was asking questions the whole game.

And then the crowd started chanting. They're going, Leafs suck, Leafs suck. And as the crowd died down, I just heard her go, Oh, I thought they were saying pizza. started chanting and they're going Leafs suck Leafs suck and as the crowd died down I just heard her go Oh I thought they were saying pizza That's a pretty good James Getty everybody

Leaf fans huh Pizza Pizza Pizza In another environment that's a pretty common cheer Yeah

Like a kid's birthday party Or Ninja Turtle. Graham and I were just in Chicago, and we went to the art museum, and they had names of a bunch of artists outside, and he was like, huh, all the Ninja Turtles are there. That's true. Hello.

Welcome. Hi. What's your name? My name is Craig I'm from Vancouver Hey Craig Hi Craig Hey I live at 7th and Fraser

Right by elementary school What's your specific address? We didn't ask like Whereabouts Yeah Yeah So 7th and Fraser Right by elementary school

And I was at The elementary school Playground with my One and a half year old son And recess broke out And all the kids Came out So, seventh and phrase right by elementary school, and I was at the elementary school playground with my one-and-a-half-year-old son, and recess broke out, and all the kids came out into the playground, and I heard three little eight-year-old girls talking, and one of them said,

when I grow up, I want to be a pole dancer. Wow. Sure, why not? It's honorable work. Is this your job? Yeah. Is this your job? Craig, everybody.

Yeah, Craig. That saddened the crowd a little bit. They didn't want to know that. Yeah. It's your job. Craig, everybody. Yeah, Craig. That saddened the crowd a little bit. They didn't want to know that. Yeah. I don't think... I mean, kids, like eight-year-old kids, they see showgirls. They see striptease. Yeah.

They think it's all that. Exactly. But it's tough. It's tough. It is tough. You've got to study hard. Dave's chair just completely collapsed. Dave broke the chair

Completely Just take the back off It's not a stool You're on a stool I'm worried you're gonna Pierce yourself with that spike Alright Hello

Hi Hey how's it going Good What's your name What's your name Jamie Hey Jamie Hi Jamie

So I I've never heard from A school playground I was playing disc golf at Jericho Park yeah this all checks out yeah I'm sorry

we were walking in the parking lot and I guess an event happened to the school over the weekend and a bunch of like waspy old ladies came out and one of them said I would just love to paint my cat. Sure. Jamie, everybody.

Jamie. Do you think she meant like dip it in paint or or kill it? What? You know, paint the cat.

I've never heard of it. Oh, no. It's an expression. I thought that she was talking about her pussy no? I'm gonna paint the cat it's our anniversary let's paint the cat right? no not at all

she meant she meant she wants to Have the skill and ability To do like a oil on canvas Okay The hands are the hardest part Don't be fucking ridiculous Now let's bring the next person on

Hello Hello I'm Kirk H Hey Kirk H Hi Kirk My overheard happened A couple days ago actually I was at the Safeway

Down the street And this kid, I'm not good with ages But probably like 10 or 12 or something He was 35 I'm so bad with ages This kid drove by This 7 year old drove by He was black and white

He was Charlie Chaplin He was in sepia This kid made a beeline through the bakery Like cut me off And his dad, I'm assuming it was his dad Was over there and he was like Kaplan. He was in sepia. This kid made a beeline through the bakery, like cut me off. And his dad, I'm assuming it was his dad, was over there and he was like,

hey, hey, stop, get back here. And the kid just kept on going and then I heard him say exasperatedly under his breath, you little shit. One day, David. One day.

Or maybe you're there. Yeah, we're there. Kirk, everybody. Yeah, Kirk. Thank you, Kirk. One day. Or maybe you're there. Yeah, we're there. Kirk, everybody. Yeah, Kirk! Thank you, Kirk. Good name. Hey, another Vancouver comedian, Ryan Williams, everybody. Hey, no women or people of color listen to our show.

Yeah, no! Next! A couple chicks back here. And later on the show, Erykah Badu. Oh, yeah? I love her hat. Yeah, me too.

Ryan, go ahead. Okay, so this is an overseen, and this was waiting for the 99 bus on Cambion Broadway. Cheer a bus. Wayne Gretzky bus. And there was a younger couple

and they had like about like a two or three year old or whatever age is pretty short but not in a stroller. And then 35. And then a kid in the stroller and they were passing back and forth a vaporizer.

And the one out of the vaporizer was kind of ducking his head and putting his hands behind his back like he was going across the finish line and going through the vape cloud. Gross. And then I looked on the stroller, they had made kind of this this modification to their stroller and it wasn't an umbrella holder because it was

too wide and too short and it contained five other vaporizers. Oh, I love it. What a future. It's smart. Yeah.

Ryan, everybody. Ryan, everybody. Oh, my God. Five vaporizers. I thought there was another riseized that story when I looked into the baby carriage. It could have been anything.

Hello. Hi, guys. Hello. Christine. Christine, everybody. Lady. Lady. Right as you said it.

Lady Christine. What does your shirt say? Don't ask me. I'm just a girl. Is that the Lisa Lionheart? It is I co-host the Simpsons trivia in town Nice I just picked it

I'm hoping I can do this Because I've been fed a lot of whiskey at the back You can do it You can absolutely do it So I was having dinner at Bob Likes Thai Food The Bob Likes Thai Food location the Bob Likes and Granville location. And there were business guys next to me having a conversation about politics.

I was trying to ignore. And then these three guys came in that I want to describe, again, as the Simpsons, like college nerds, like those three dudes. Yeah. Basically like that, but like 18. And at one point,

someone leaned against one of the light switches in the restaurant, and it brought the lights up from dim to bright as it does. That is a nightmare. Oh, my God. It is when it's shocking. But the nerdy kids next to me is like, oh, is it time to get out of the club already? Oh, it's 3 a.m. And the business guys lean in and go like, yeah, like they've been to a club.

Oh, burned by the business guys. It was great. Business burned. I agreed. Christine, everybody. Great job. Oh, wow. Fed whiskey.

Hello. I'm Virginia from Seattle oh my Virginia from Seattle everybody thanks for the dinner recommendations where did you go I went to Z-Pang's because Tashi sushi was like crazy

absolutely packed how was it was it okay it was okay okay and the service didn't take forever so yay so this for me I'm very excited.

This is my, I'm completing the unofficial bumper hat trick with this overheard because I've had a written-in overheard on the show. Oh, goodness. And also a called-in overheard, so now. This is it. Yep. So I was was over Christmas we were at Whistler

and I was on the solar coaster lift at Blackcomb Mountain and I was trying to ignore these guys as they were talking about

all their cool shit that they did but then it kind of filtered in this guy said and that's my story of how I shit myself on

skis oh wow Virginia I want Virginia to run your hats yeah oh man I shit myself on skis. Oh! Virginia, I wrote your hat. Oh, man. That's Hello, sir.

Hello. How are you? Yes. Are there more behind him? Are you? Just making sure. One more? One more after you. Alright. I may not be a girl, but I can be very effeminate. Yeah, that's fine.

Step towards the mic here. I'm on the bus all the time. Wait, wait, wait. Your name first. Oh, yes. I'm Andrew. This is Andrew, everybody. I take the bus a lot.

To the extent that I can go a month and a half without being checked something to be proud of of course I got on the bus while this old rinkly man said you can ride my bus

anytime I was 17 it felt very inappropriate. Yeah. It was, but it still stands. Yeah. Thank you. Andrew, everybody.

Hey, Graham. You can ride my bus anytime. I'm going to hold you to that. Yeah. Last overheard of the evening, Mr. Johnny Paul, also a very funny comedian here in town. Fire away.

So I work in fine dining, like very fancy restaurant. And there was this young couple with their child who was about seven, eight years old, and she was misbehaving horribly. Did you say very hot? No, 35.

No, Dave did. He's the father. I don't know. So they were East Asian, and the girl was misbehaving horribly, and they looked at her, and they said, hey, if you don't behave,

the only restaurant we're going to take you to is a Chinese restaurant. Wow. Dream come true, as far as I'm concerned. Johnny Paul, everybody. Oh, my God. I hope she behaved. When he said they were East Asian,

I was like, which one's that? Everything's East Asian. Did you say East Asian? Yeah, East Asian. I was like, which one's that? Everything's East in here. Did you say East Asian? Yeah, East Asian. Oh, okay. Now that does bring us to the end of this show. John, you're going to be at the Comedy Mix all weekend. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

And if I may, you'll be joining me. I will be hosting for John Doe. It'll be just Graham and myself. And last time I saw you Was in uh Victoria We had a lot of fun We did shows in Victoria

And uh I'm just happy that we can Uh We can perform again this weekend Me too And uh Because in between that I had a seizure

Yeah So yeah Absolutely But I'm not gonna get into it Go to John Doe Slash seizure Seizure blog Was it?

Yeah yeah And then you can read Seizure blog Seizure salad Am I having a Caesar? You might be having a Caesar. Yeah. But yeah, no, if you feel like coming out, it would be a lot of fun.

Yeah, it always is. And John. And Dave, you're welcome to come by and tell jokes. Dave, do you want to do the zombie bit? Classic. Why don't you do the zombie bit for these people here today? Are you okay? You got a live audience here.

Do the zombie bit. So there's this zombie, and he's at a school in Canada and he's got a bunch of guns. You finish it. But as a Canadian zombie, when the shooting took place in the library, being very polite, he used to silence her. That wasn't even the joke.

I didn't know where to go with that. Yeah. Yeah. I think it passed the test. But that was not what I was originally going to say. But yeah.

John, thank you so much for being my guest. By the way, that's what you can expect over the next couple nights at the comedy night. John Doerr, everybody.

Thank you so much. Thank you. And David, thank you. Graham, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. And David, thank you. Graham, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much for coming out. Thank you to the festival.

Thank you to Sven, our sound guy. Thank you to Sven, our sound guy. Yeah, absolutely. And thank you all so much for coming to the show. Everybody have a safe trip home. Have a good night. Help yourself to banana sauce. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Help yourself to banana sauce.