Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE with Jon Dore from the Northwest Podcast Fest

Episode Date: October 16, 2014

Jon Dore joins us for an episode recorded live at Vancouver's Biltmore Cabaret as a part of the Northwest Podcast Fest.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Oh, goodness gracious. How's everybody doing? Feels so nice to just come out on a stage and sit down. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Take a load off. Oh, man. It's a good thing everyone here has a seat. Oh, boy. Oversold. Am I right? Oh, boy. Oh, Versailles. Am I right? Oh.

Oh, no. No, we're back. There we are. I just have to not speak into it. It's one of those microphones. It's an invisible microphone that only works when you're not talking. I don't know. Oh, boy. Oof.

Hi, everybody. My name is Dave. This is Graham. Hello. Welcome to Stop Podcasting Yourself. I've got a growler. Graham's got an obscene amount of beer in a bottle. And I was going to bring out a glass, but then our guest was like, oh, you should just drink of beer in a bottle. And I was going to bring out

a glass, but then our guest was like, oh, you should just drink it out of the bottle. I was like, yeah, no, you're right. Before the show today, I got a call from the festival. Oh, for the home listener, this is part of the Northwest Podcast Festival. Yeah.

The first ever in the history of Vancouver. I got a call today and he was like, so what do you want backstage? Beer? I'm like, sure. I'm thinking of getting some growlers. Alright. And then we got there and I'm like, I'm not drinking some beer that was filled.

Oh, I am. I need a can that was sealed in a factory. I, uh... No, I like to see every step of the process I like to see the dude I like to know what he got up to that day What's his diet like Have you ever had your own growler before?

Here's the thing about the word growler Okay Growing up I don't know if I'm the only one own growler before? Here's the thing about the word growler. Okay. Growing up, I don't know if I'm the only one, but my friend's brother used to say, like, oh, I just took a growler. Right? Does anybody else have that experience?

Yeah, the growler now means something delicious. It's weird. Like, there must have been other things like that. Like, I'm sure a brownie was something horrible at some point. Yeah. Yeah. The girl guy.

What was the question? Have you ever participated in growler culture? No. No. No. I mean, tonight. And, you know, we'll see how it goes. We'll see what the results are at the end of the night. It seems like too much beer.

Yeah. And it's going to be warm, I think, by the time I get to the bottom of it. Graham is a real tricky mic. Tricky mic. What if I just hold it like that? You're going to need chopsticks. Like is a real tricky mic. Tricky mic. What if I just hold it like that? You're gonna need chopsticks. Like a real Bob Barker. Oh,

can we get one of those? Did they only make one of those? Yeah, and they had to kill Bob Barker to get it out of his hands. For people who don't remember, Bob Barker had a microphone that was basically like, if they took whatever the opposite of a shrinking machine is

and put a Q-tip in, and enlarged it into a microphone that bent. Yeah. Well, Drew Carey uses the same. Yeah, he uses the same mic. Like I said, they had to kill for a part of it. Do you think Bob Barker's still alive? Have you heard anything?

Like today? Yeah. No,? Have you heard anything? Like today? Yeah No, I haven't heard anything Yeah He's probably still around Yeah, yeah, yeah Just cutting off dog testicles left and right He lives for it

Yeah, he used to say Let me spay and neuter your pet It's spay and neuter Yeah, do both. Do one and then double. Let me just check for the uterus. Oh, there it is. Yoink. Is that

how it works? Yoink the uterus with my favorite WWF wrestler. May he rest in peace, eh? Oh, lordy. What a treat it is to be here. Hello. We have a fantastic guest on the show tonight.

One of our all-time favorite guests on the podcast. He flew up here for this. He is here tonight. Please welcome to the stage the very hilarious Mr. John Doerr, everybody. Yeah. Oh, thanks, buddy. Hey.

I sit here? I can't just... I can't stand? You can stand if you want. Thank you for standing, by the way. That was lovely. A lot of talk show hosts will do that. They'll stand until the guest sits. Graham, you got your growler.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like the... whatever his name is. Bob Barker. Dead, by the way, today. Oh, he died today? Yeah, I heard you guys talk about it. He did die today. How? Graham was, well, Graham was part right Or no, you were part right

He was slicing the necks of dogs No, that's Is that what you said? I guess I was part right, if that's the case Oh, did you not say that? What did you say? I said testicles Oh, yeah

He was the big Spaniard neutering advocate Not as much of a dog murderer He's alive He's alive I thought he always said At the end of the podcast Make sure to murder your dogs Podcast

The Price is Right podcast Oh I'd listen to that That's a good podcast That would be amazing Well yeah How did you feel When you spun that wheel I do a Price is Right podcast

Where we deconstruct That day's episode It's a daily podcast It's a daily podcast Four hour podcast How did you feel when you spun that wheel? I do a Price is Right podcast where we deconstruct that day's episode. It's a daily podcast? It's a daily podcast, four-hour podcast, where we dissect the one-hour show. And we talk a lot about the different games people play, what we thought about people's outfits, that kind of thing. Nothing can compete with Plinko. The people from Utah State, how well did they cheer when their friend Julie got called up to the front, only to never be called to contestants row?

We talked about that. Anyway, check it out. Price is Right podcast. Daily. What's it called? It's called Come On Down? It's called Price is Right podcast. Come On Down. Hey, do you guys want to get to know us? Yeah!

Get to know us. What was the guy's name who used to do the... Rod Roddy. Yeah, yeah. He's dead. He's definitely dead. He's alive. He was dead.

He came back. He came back alive. Yeah, he came back alive. I remember that. We do a podcast about him, too. We do the Rod Roddy podcast. Pretty good. It's a weekly.

The other side with Rod Roddy. He talks about all the celebrities. All the things he wished he could have announced. All the products he wished he could have announced in hindsight. And his greatest regrets, too. Crest. He never liked saying crest. Toothpaste.

He never liked saying crest toothpaste. Ispaste. He never liked saying crest toothpaste. Is that Canadian? Is crest an American toothpaste? You can get that in America, can't you? No, wait a minute. I just realized everything I say, I've done no research for. But you're from Canada. Yeah, correct. And you live in America.

Correct. So you've never seen crest? I don't buy toothpaste. And you live in America. Correct. So you've never seen Crest? I don't buy toothpaste. Just swish with a thing of bleach and away you go.

No, I have a conspiracy theory about it. Go on. At length. You motherfucker. Just leave it. Just let it be. The government's getting at us from the inside out. That's what they're doing.

I don't know. Just leave it. David. Two of my favorite people in the world. John. How's everything going? Everything's going very well. Thank you for asking.

How are you doing? I'm doing all right. Great. David, how are you feeling? You're a dad. I'm a dad now. Dave's a dad, everybody. Yay!

Thank you. Daddy David. We did it. I'm a dad now. Dave's a dad, everybody. Yay! Thank you. Daddy David. We did it. We did it. Filled out some forms. Made it happen. Well done, guys. Nominated him.

The podcast has a child. Yep. Yep. She couldn't be here tonight. She's guarding your house, all alone style. Well, she's at a pageant. You gotta get them in early.

She's not dead, is she? No. She's fine. Oh, she's fine. Okay, yeah. Because we were talking a lot

about people and they were saying they were dead today. So I'm just making sure. Go ahead. Oh, I really

put a funk in the audience. Yeah, they're there. I should have left them alone. I knew as soon as I said it, it was the wrong

thing to say. I can't get them back now. Yeah. Dave's daughter is alive and well. As far as we know, you have not checked your phone in a little bit. Let's just assume she's fine.

Otherwise, it's going to be tough to... Here's a good question. If you found out something was wrong, would you finish the podcast or would you take off right away? I'd probably take off. You would probably? Probably. So there's a chance you'd stay. Okay.

I mean, it depends what I'm finding out. Yeah. Is it like, oh. Let's workshop a scenario here. Okay, like, oh. Graham's babysitting. He gets on the phone. He's got bad news.

Why am I doing the podcast without Graham? Yeah. I call you. I say, the baby doesn't like yams. Okay. I just realized I don't know anything. Yeah. I would say that she's on a breast milk diet

So stay the course You'd stay If she didn't like yams I'd be like, Graham, you need to be here How old is your daughter? She is 15 days old So what if she said I don't like yams

Then you'd want to know that But would you be happy or worried? She is 15 days old. 15 days old. So what if she said, I don't like yams at 15 days old? Then you'd want to know that. Yeah, I don't know if I'd stop the bike. But would you be happy or worried? Would it still be Graham telling me? No, your daughter says to you, dad. She calls me? Dad.

Am I here in this scenario? Waits for you to turn around, continually saying, dad, dad. I wouldn't turn around. I don't like yams. I wouldn't turn around. And then gave you the finger, the middle't like yams. I wouldn't turn around. And then gave you the middle finger. I've never been called Dad, so I wouldn't have turned around.

Ah, that's right. I'm not used to you. Good point. And also, I couldn't operate on her. Yeah, because you're a woman! It's kind of like doing a podcast with Agatha Christie. The mystery that she's solving.

While she's solving it? Ah, but I wouldn't, would I? Because I've never been called dad, have I, John? Mystery solved. You're good, Dave. I'll give you that. You're a very smart person. I'm a real Hercule Poirot. I could have said Poirot.

Yeah. That was the craziest voice string of nonsense that just came out of my mouth. No one else can hear it. We shouldn't react to it. Yeah, let's move on. I can't not! It feels like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know, but he's too Irish to function.

But we don't know that. We know nothing about this gentleman we heard off to the side saying something. We know nothing about his character we heard off to the side saying something. We know nothing about his character. You know what Agatha Christie would do? Yes, get to the bottom of it. Absolutely. Shall we do Agatha Christie investigates the audience of the podcast?

Yeah, probably. All right. There's been a murder. Give me a theme song. Everyone's a suspect. Was that you? Make sure you got enough Yeah

Yeah, that was you Mystery solved! I don't want to go over there I was hoping that wasn't him But it was him They do not have Bob Barker in his country He didn't get any of those Or Crest, really.

Yeah. Do they have white strips in America? Yes, they do. What's going on with you? Do you want me to get you some? Are you asking me what generally is going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a lot. What's going on with you?

I don't like it. This is not how you... On your Price is Right podcast, you let everybody in. You can't get a word in edgewise. They're hopped up and ready to talk about that day's episode. You're too relaxed. I'm going to tell you something, Graham.

I think that the question, it's got too wide a berth. Let's narrow it down. All right, what happened today? Well, I'll tell you what happened today. There was a little bit of an issue this morning. I was going to bring something to the podcast today

that the two of you would have loved. I briefly told you backstage what it was. And I think the audience would have loved it as well. And I could not fucking find it today and it was very I know I had put it aside it got misplaced I'm not going to blame anyone but it got misplaced not by me

maybe no one knows but anyway I found I was back home in Ottawa home of the Senators and and birthplace okay so I was birthplace... Birthplace of who?

Max Keeping. He was the anchor of CGOH News. And you know he was born there. Born and raised in Ottawa. I don't. But look at... Let's move forward with what I was talking about.

I had gone home to Ottawa. Do you know who was born in Ottawa? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Alanis. I don't know who that is. Oh, she's a singer. Oh, Morissette.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't... If you just give me the one name, there's not enough to go on. She was Alanis, just Alanis for a time. She was. And do you remember the hits she had? Okay, go sing one.

Always too hot, never too cold. You take your best shot, too hot to hold. Yeah. That was about going down on Dave Cooley. She's written... A lot of people know that. Always too hot, never too cold. Cut it out.

She would do it live. She's done like every album has been about going down on Dave Koo. She would do it live. Go ahead, David. It's fun, the audience response to it. So I go back to Ottawa, home of Alanis Morissette, and I would birthplace of. Does she not live there anymore? Gotta get my facts straight with these two assholes.

Does she not live there anymore? Gotta get my facts straight with these two assholes. So I go back to Ottawa, and I'm searching through this box, and I find a whole bunch of my old books, and then I realize, holy shit, there's one book I distinctly remember, and it's not there. And so I go up to my bedroom,

and I open a drawer, and I find it, and I'm relieved that it didn't get out into the world. It's a book of poetry that I wrote when I was 19-ish. So probably going from like 17 and a half to 19 and a half. And it's a book of poetry and journal entries. And it is the most embarrassing thing. Like no one can find this. But then I thought to myself,

oh, okay, it would be great if I brought it and I would read, I wouldn't let you touch the book because I'd never see it again, but I would flip through the pages reading the titles of each poem and let you pick one. And that would have been fun.

I just realized I'm describing what we would have done rather than just moving on. And just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with here, the title of one of the poems is, I Wish I Was a Meadow. I'm not fucking joking. I know.

I fancied myself a little Gord Downie. I thought, oh, I'll be a lyricist. I need to get in front of a band and express myself. And I thought, I know. I wish I was a meadow. And you know what the first line of I wish I was a meadow was? Please tell us.

I wish I was a cobbler. Immediately taking a detour from the title of the poem. Well, you've got to build to meadow. Yeah, that's true. You've got to start with the shoe. Yeah. Then you build the shoe trees,

and then the shoe water. Did you have a lot of like... Don't you dare, audience. That was great. Shoe trees. Don't you think that... Oh, no, never mind. I was going to say...

No, go ahead. You've got issues. Okay, go ahead, David. I know, forgot it. I shouldn't have said it, and I did it. Growing up, did you have a lot of experience with Meadows? Yeah, why did you wish you were a Meadow? I don't know.

That's why the book's not here. If the book was here, I would let you tear into me. I'll tell you what, I'll be back in Vancouver in November. If you want, I would gladly bring the book by. And we'll read it. Not to all of you. Actually, let's all meet back here in November.

Let's check in with each other. See if our dreams came true. Anyone who shows... Graham just chugged his growler. The whole thing. How big is a growler? Oh, you know. It's a good

elephant stomach. Like a baby elephant stomach with a beer. You should put it in a glass. Get a baby elephant drunk is what I thought. Anyways, go on. I was going to say why don't you put some in a glass. What? Get a baby elephant drunk is what I thought. Anyways, go on. That would be great, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I should. I was going to say, why don't you put some in a glass because it's so heavy to even lift up. Yeah, but get it to your mouth and it's awkward because your hand starts trembling. Yeah, yeah. I got tiny little girl wrists. No offense, girls, but your wrists are very tiny. Yeah, work on that. Yeah.

Yeah. We're equal in every other way. Yeah. But wrists. Yeah. You know what I every other way. But wrists? You know what I mean? You have tiny wrists. You know what I mean. They're like 77 cents on a man's wrist. That's where all the work money comes from.

Did you crush your beer can before you died? I got angry when I made a comment and I was embarrassed so I crushed it. But you're not dead. I was mid, I when I made a comment, and I was embarrassed, so I crushed it. I was mid, I wish it was a meadow, and I crushed that. I wish it was a meadow.

Don't worry about it. No, I'm not worried at all. I wish I was a cobbler. Anything else going on? You didn't find your poetry book. Look it. I didn't find the fucking book. I got on the plane. I got here. I had a nap while watching, coincidentally, Elephants. I didn't find the fucking book. I got on the plane. I got here. I had a nap while watching,

coincidentally, elephants. That's probably why I said that. Elephants get tackled by tigers on TV. Oh. Lions, pardon me. Oh, okay.

Pardon me, ladies. And then... Because... We know tigers are the female lion, right? And... And... I used to think We know tigers are the female lion Right And And I used to think cats were female dogs

When I was a kid That's what I used to think I think cats were the females Yeah Yeah Then I got older I'm like none of these dogs Are fucking the cats

But anyway so I And then I had a nap in the hotel room And I came here to see your faces I was so excited And filled with adrenaline About seeing you two I had to have a nap I crashed Yeah I understand And I had to have a nap.

I crashed. I had some Xanax. Both reasons I had a nap. It's great to have you here. It's great to be here. Have you been traveling around? I have been traveling around. The States or Canada or what? A little bit of both.

Tell us about it. I could. Or? You could move on about it. Well, okay. Well, I could. Or? You could move on to something else other than traveling. Okay, all right. But I went to Toronto. Yeah. You ever been there?

Yeah. Yeah. So I went there. Wait, wait. Tell me more. And then I went to a place called Montreal. Montreal, birthplace of the FLQ. The Front Libération Quebec.

I believe the old joke is if you want Canada to buy a free flight to Cuba, all you have to do is kidnap a cabinet minister. I think that's the old joke. Okay. Now let's move on. Still good, that joke. It's pretty hot.

I just got a little younger. Turn my hat to the side. I realize that's a bit of a sad joke because one of them did die. So let's move on. I was in Montreal, home of our really our most famous terrorist organization. And I think that's nice

because there's a lot of other countries that have terrorist groups. They have their own terrorist groups. And I start to think, well hold on a fucking second. What about us? And then I think, oh yeah, we did have a very cool terrorist organization here. La Front Libération Quebec.

And in this month, October, it's their month. The October Crisis! That's correct! Where Trudeau had to implement the War Measures Act! Yeah, and you know what he said? He said, let them eat cake. And then didn't he call somebody a fucker? You're a bleeding heart fucker.

Eat some cake. Well, just watch me. Eat a dick. Well, just watch me. You're a historian. Yeah. I did some high school social studies. So, not to brag.

Who was our swearing-est prime minister? Oh, boy. Well. Sir Andrew Dice Clay. He's on our money. Let's try and get Andrew Dice Clay on one of our bills.

Do you think we could? I think it's impossible One of the Canadian bills? Yeah I think it's impossible Yeah, no, if you hold a referendum People will vote Sure

And they'll panic When they're in that voting booth They'll be like I was going to say no But now that I'm here I want to see what the bill looks like Yeah It would be the best bill we've ever had

Yeah And they're only putting him on the 10,000. It would make a lot of people upset, but it would be a very interesting bill. Now, I want the two of you to talk about the design. Okay. Side one. It's got three sides.

It's the first triangle bill. I like it. Very interesting. A triangle bill. Side one. Andrew Dice Clay in a canoe. Andrew Dice Clay enters. If you turn it around, it's like a flip book. He walks in to the bill, does that thing with the cigarette. That's what they should do.

That's what they should do with a $10,000 bill. It should be 10,000 pages of $1 bills, and you just flip through it, It should be 10,000 pages of $1 bills, and you just flip through it, and it tells the story of Andrew Dice Clay bringing fish to Canada or whatever the history is. So these guys. These fucking guys that live to the north of us. Hickory dickory dock, etc. Canada decided to have a fucking rough... Oh! Now, I knew it was good to throw that at you guys

because you really came up with something there. Yeah, really. I'm really proud of you, too. Thanks. A lot of people are saying you're losing your stuff. I disagree. I think you still got it. I think you still have it, both of you.

Dave, you're now a stuff. I disagree. I think you still got it. I think you still have it, both of you. Dave, you're now a dad. Do you start to think, oh my god, I'm completing. I'm putting another notch on the belt of life. It is slowly fading away. I'm realizing that... Put another notch on the belt of life? Yes.

Remember, I'm a poet. Yeah. Life is fleeting. What have I done? What's important? Are you starting to look back on life more than you're looking forward, David? Are you reaching back for past glory, realizing that the end is near?

Just because I'm having a child doesn't mean I'm dying faster than everyone else. Yeah, I know. Cool. Good answer. I just asked you a question. My child was born on September 17th. Yeah, we know. We all did the math. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. And I googled. If you google most popular birthday, it's the day before. September 16th is the most popular birthday. And I was like, oh, September 17th is probably a very popular birthday. September 17th to a girl I know. It's Mother's Day. Go on, Dave.

You started the song. Was it me or him, Grant? Be honest. He said September 17th. Yeah, and I don't know what you did there. Yes, you do. But it was great. I wouldn't do it any other way.

If you had to guess, what did I do? You sang a song. Yes. But you're a poet, so I don't know if you just made it up. No, Dave knows what I did. What would your band be called if you were the lead singer of it? Well, John Doerr and the Somethings. I mean, I haven't made it up yet.

Definitely be that. So I assumed September 17th. Gord Downie, Tragically Hip. Fiddler's Green. Go ahead. Okay, all right. I assumed it would be a very popular birthday, but I it up and there are There's like no good celebrities who have The same birthday as my daughter

Who's on there? No good celebrities? Elvira The two things you said They don't add up My heart's on fire Elvira Anything you need we'll sing it

Go ahead Let's see Sweet Caroline Oh I thought you were just taking requests No I thought you were going to name Phil Jackson Go Phil Jackson of the Chicago Bulls

He's our favorite coach of history Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights Go ahead So this is it There's no one on Phil Jackson's pretty good Yeah

Are you telling me that a guy who's won How many has he won? 12 championships? No, he won 6 What? 35 NBA championships Yeah Phil Jackson's won 35

He's won every NBA championship from when he was 35 And now he's 70 Wow That's a sports fact I can never tell when you're joking Is this for real right now? It's for real And he was also a slam dunk champion

Yeah, yeah, yeah He's won every slam He invented the Nike Air Reebok pump. Yeah. Yeah. He freed the slaves. Oh, he did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then he re-enslaved them. Very controversial. Oh. Yeah. It was weird. And he put Shorts on them And made them Oh John

Too real Oh I'm guessing You tell me If I'm right or wrong You tell me Oh John Do you have any Do any celebrities

Share your birthday John I wouldn't know I'm not some creep Who goes online Trying to find Who's been born On a John? I wouldn't know. I'm not some creep who goes online trying to find who's been born on a certain day. I don't know, honestly. I have no idea. Nobody's ever told you like, hey, you and Brad Garrett.

Actually, yeah, Brad Garrett. Oh, there you go. You're right. I have no idea who shares my birthday. Who shares your birthday, David? Oh, um... Dalai Lama, I bet. Woody Allen. Woody Allen shares your birthday? Who shares your birthday, David? Oh. Dalai Lama. Yeah. Woody Allen. Woody Allen shares your birthday?

Yep. Really? Bette Midler. Oh. Anyone who was in scenes from them all. That's weird. Yeah. That's weird. That can't be true.

Is that true? What can't be true? That Woody Allen and Bette Midler are born on the same day? How could it not be true? That's entirely possible. No, because it's the whole... There are two humans that were born on... There's only 365 days.

They have to be born on one day, Graham. I know, but Bette Midler and Woody Allen... But wait a minute. But wait. Two names of people that were born... Oh, no. It's entirely possible. I mean, yeah.

I'm going to look it up. You have no faith in your friend David here. I do. But then, you know, he said that there was nobody good on September 17th, and then he said, oh, there we go. So, yeah. What's going on with you, Dave? I just talked about it.

All right. What's going on with you, my friend? I missed you guys up in Lake Arrowhead What When you guys went up to Lake Arrowhead I wasn't there and I wanted to be Where were you I was away I had to go on tour

What's traveling like Let me tell you I'm glad you brought it up It's great You know what I love about being on an airplane I'm not even joking For instance I flew from Los Angeles To Vancouver today It's great. You know what I love about being on an airplane? I'm not even joking. For instance, I flew from Los Angeles to Vancouver today. An airplane is able to

compress the amount of time it takes you to normally get to... If I were to drive, fucking way longer. Way longer. The airplane... You travel great distances in a relatively short amount of time. So that's my number one favorite thing about traveling by plane. Saw a kid sitting...

Or there's a kid sitting behind... I didn't see a kid sitting behind me, that's for sure. But I heard a kid behind me on the airplane singing, Baa, b ba ba black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. And he sang that about ten times in a row.

And the mother asked him to be quiet. And I thought that was rude. I thought the mother should have explained why the child should be quiet. And Dave, you're a dad now. You should listen up. Okay. If I were to turn around, I would have said,

excuse me, don't talk to your child that way. I'll handle it. And then I probably would have said, the first thing I would have said is, don't call him Baba, number one. Wait, in that thing, is somebody asking a sheep if he has any wool? Baba black sheep? Yeah.

Have you any wool? Why does he have bags of wool? Three of them. Well, he does. Yeah, I know, but he's a sheep, though. Wouldn't he just have it on him? Like, yeah, not. Why is he carrying around other people's? Well, you know, like when's a sheep, though. Wouldn't he just have it on him? Yeah, not... Why is he carrying around other people's...

It's his wool, I'm assuming. Now, there's a lot of holds in this story, Grant. You can't pick this one apart. Hair grows and people trim it. Oh, no, you don't. Now, look, I want to tell you... Grant has a lot of hair for the listeners. They know. They've seen your face.

Yeah. But now, just because he makes the noise bah doesn't mean you should be calling him bah. I think that's a liberty the child is taking. Granted, because your grandpa coughs, you don't call him bah. I do. You don't do that.

Oh, you do do that. Yeah, yeah. You do do. Yeah. Okay. We're a very onomatopoeia family. Now, I'm called Clank Because I drop rat-a-tat-a-tat

When I was a baby Now The child The child is asking the same question Ten times in a row He's already answered I've got three bags full Supply and demand.

There's clear... Dave, take the microphone out of your pocket. That's not fair. The listeners can't... You know what? I'm done with my Baa Baa Black sheep. No! And I had a really funny feeling that the ending

was going to build to a wonderful crescendo and you've ruined it with your attitude. So Graham, what's going on with you? This is the problem. The only question you get on this show is what is going on with you. Yeah. That's it. There's no insight. There's no research done. I sent you my bio.

My publicist was in touch. I know she was. Because she says those guys are weird. And I said, yeah, you got through to them. She was great. Yeah, she is great. The bio is old, though. The one that you send out. I know. I do that

to make sure you read. So you did read it. Good. 19-year-old John Doerr is rocketing up the charts. Rocketing up the poetry charts. Will he be a meadow? Maybe one day. He wishes he was. Tell me more

about this Bob-Odd Black Cheap Child. No, you've ruined that. One of the other poems is called 84 Candles. That was about my grandfather the night he died. Was it his birthday? You wouldn't write a poem. My grandfather, I nearly unleashed on this audience.

And I held myself back. You guys got off easy. No, the night my grandfather died. Did he share a birthday with anybody else? The night my grandfather died, I went to a Tim Hortons, and I opened my poetry book, and I thought, yeah, time to get this down.

And so I wrote a poem about my grandfather's last breath, and we had to go watch my grandfather die, which is weird. We got a phone call. It's hilarious, I know. We got a phone call from the hospital saying, because my grandfather was in the hospital. Come watch it. Come watch this. Essentially, dude, why wouldn't they call after he died?

They're like, we're just letting you know, he's almost gone in case you want to bring the family. So my sister, my mom, my dad, my aunt and uncle were all in the room for two and a half hours staring at a guy in a bed. He's not coherent. He's not going to talk to us.

We're just waiting for him to not exist anymore. And then everything's quiet for 25 minutes and my Uncle Doug turns to me after there's been silence for 25 minutes. My Uncle Doug says, so John, how are the saxophone lessons coming? Yeah. You played saxophone too?

Oh yeah, you find out a lot about me. Alto. So I turned to Doug. Don't digress here. Which one's alto? Which one's alto? There's smaller than a baritone. The Kenny G one? What? What's the Kenny G one? No, that's, what is that one?

Soprano. Soprano saxophone. Yeah, thanks. Anyway, yeah, and then my grandpa died and I wrote a poem. 84 candles. And I'll tell you why 84 candles was significant in the poem

because the last line was your last breath snuffed the flame of your 84 candles because... Fuck you, assholes. Fuck all of you. The second I open up and share a bit...

Unbelievable. He died on his 84th birthday. Right. September 17th. Wow. Oh, my God. Elvira. Elvira.

You know when you're in a coffee shop and you see someone with a laptop? Yeah, that's great. But you know what else I... Okay, go ahead, Dave. Horrible. No, I thought that was the end of the question. Go ahead. And you're like,

oh, you're working on your screenplay? Good for you. But then if you see a 19-year-old in a Tim Hortons writing poetry... You're like, keep going. Yeah, it looks like a suicide note. Now, my grandfather,

I didn't give you the top, I gave you the tail of the bird. The top was not for you. The, but yeah, grandpa died, wrote a poem.

My last grandfather, I had been through three previous Grandparent deaths I was alive to see them all Not actually die But I was alive and aware that they were dead I wasn't watching all of them die

Or else they'd start to suspect something There's something common about all these grandparents Why is this kid always here When his parents' parents are killed Now they weren't killed. They just died. Gotta be clear. There is such a...

Yeah, there is a thing. You know what I mean? Between being dead and being killed. What? It's just such a fine line. Yeah, there is. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do know what you mean, Graham.

What do you mean? Yeah, Grandpa do know what you mean, Grandpa. What do you mean? So, yeah, Grandpa's dead. Grandpa Dorr! Grandpa Dorr, my father's father, grew up on Aylmer Street in Ottawa, near Hopewell Avenue. And Grandpa, odd man, he was a botanist, wrote several books, wrote a botanist, wrote several books.

Wrote a book about grass. Wrote a book about wild rice in Saskatchewan. And my grandfather, when he would drop his cigarette on the linoleum kitchen floor and it would burn into the ground, he would circle it with permanent marker and date it. Is that real? Fact. For real? Yeah, totally real. He also had a post-it note in his kitchen,

and on the post-it note on the wall, it read, don't remove this note, it's covering a hole in the wall. You lift up the note, hole in the wall. As good as his word. And you don't know if it's art

or if he's really lost his mind. It was a bit of both. Wow. And that's why I chose to write about him as a subject. We're getting deep. Oh, Graham, what's going on with you? But there are a lot of themes here.

There's life, there's new life, there's talk about death, there's middle... There's a lot happening here. Yeah. I went to Prince George and

a place called Vanderhoof. Some people know it. Have you ever been to Vanderhoof? No, I don't know Vanderhoof. It's a tiny little town and I was doing a show there and it was a fundraiser show. It's not a major city? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, they have an NFL team. Do you have an NFL team?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Vanderhoof Vikings. Vanderhoof Vikings, yeah. Weird that we do Vikings in the NFL, but go ahead. Yeah, no, but you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different unis. One's purple, the other's mauve. Go ahead.

In the middle of the show, they did a pie auction. Okay, I thought it was going to be an eating contest. Well, it was the more expensive version of a pie eating contest. They were raising money. They want to put a pool in Vanderhoof.

You know what I mean? Because the kids are so dry. I don't have to interrupt. No, you just answered it Go ahead So one pool Yeah, they're going to put a pool in Is this in British Columbia? Yes

I thought that the pies would go for like You know, 50 bucks Oh, no What's the max you would pay for like, you know, 50 bucks, 75 bucks. Oh, no. What's the max you would pay for a pie? For me? Am I high or am I not high? Are you ever high? I'm not high, but I feel like the people who bid on these pies were.

Because $350, $400, a plate of fudge went for $600. A plate of fudge! Yeah, a plate of fudge. Okay, but I think the audience, I think we all need a little bit more info. Set the scene.

Like, Vanderhoofen is what kind of city? Like, what kind of town is this? I don't know. And is it a fundraiser for what? For a pool. Yeah, but it's just a fucking pool? Yeah, yeah. That's it?

There's no, like, real fundraiser? And the water. Yeah, yeah. There's no real,iser? And the water. Yeah. There's no real fundraiser. What do you mean? It just seems like such a fuck. Well, no. I mean, if you're going to be giving $650 for a plate of fudge,

I mean, you think the Diabetes Association is going to get a little bit of money out of you. Oh, right. Do you know what I'm saying? It just seems like a very. If it was a fudge pool, I would pay for that. Do you mean a pool made of fudge or a pool with fudge in it? A pool with fudge in it. Oh, made of cracker.

But you don't call it a water pool, right? I don't call it anything pool. I just call it a swimming pool. Swimming pool, that's true. There's no sitting pools, though, and why not? For us who don't like to... We like the wet, but we don't like the exercise so much. A t-shirt pool. I like the wet. I don't like the wet, but we don't like the exercise so much. A t-shirt pool.

I like the wet. I don't like the exercise. I've got to be honest. It's what I like. So, yeah. So somebody paid $600 for a plate of fudge, and I felt bad for them because fudge is so cheap outside of Vanderhoof. You know what I mean? So you thought this person did not know the price of fudge.

That was my feeling of the whole hall. They didn't know that pies weren't $300. So you thought none of these people were giving for a pool. You thought these people were genuinely going, I've never had this thing called fudge before. Yeah, that's what it felt like. It must be $600. Why would they lie to us? Unlike that round of Survivor, where they give them all money to bid on food and they haven't eaten in weeks.

And people are paying thousands of dollars for a... Plate of fudge. Yeah. Basically, fudge Survivor is what I'm talking about. It feels so bad if you were on Survivor and you just bought a plate of fudge with your money and everybody else is like, A tent! You know what I mean? A gun. A plane ticket. on Survivor and you just bought a plate of fudge with your money and everybody else is like a tent. You know what I mean? A gun. A plane ticket.

And you were like, oh, that fudge. I can only eat two squares of it and I don't like it anymore. You can't survive on fudge. It's too sweet. A plate of fudge would be the worst purchase if you were starving. Oh my god. You'd realize what a terrible purchase this was.

I should have just eaten dirt. It's way more healthy. My grandfather also he would write the word mine in all of his clothing. M-I-N-E and we would ask, why do you write mine in all your clothing? He'd say, because

it's not mine, it's yours. So he was also a very charismatic, charming... Idiot. But why would he write mine if it isn't mine? Because he worked in a mine, Dave. One time... One of these clothes have been tainted by mine. One time his canoe got stolen out of the backyard,

and the police came over. Coincidentally. No, he called the police. We've got good news and bad news. And they said, well, sir, was your name or initials in it? And he had to explain to them that mine is written in it. And they had to say, why does it say mine? He had to say, because it's not mine.

It's not yours. It's mine. And so, yeah. I said it wrong the first time. Wrong the first time. I realized that. Yeah. So I'm the bad guy.

It's not yours. It's mine. No, you're not a bad guy at all. Oh, Lord. Oh, man. I'm a terrible guest. Did they find the canoe? I just realized.

Did they find the canoe? No, it's dead. The canoe's gone. Someone's got it. Someone's in Al. Did they find the canoe? No, it's dead. The canoe's gone. Someone's got it. Someone's in Algonquin Park with the canoe and having a whale of a time while my grandfather's at the bottom of a fucking grave, Graham! A fucking grave!

But anyway, besides that, all's pretty good. He's at the very top of a grave. We buried him at the top Just under the top soil One foot That was in his will We sodded right over his face His nose is sticking up like Jaws' tail

I rolled the last piece of sod Over my grandfather's fucking face I said fuck for face Because we have some impact No but if you do want to go see my grandfather you just gotta lift up the sod and you can see him in all his glory

and be like oh that's right and then you put it down and you say your new date and that was my grandfather that's my grandfather he's mine now oh god lot of dark talk Tonight

But we are all going to die And that is a fact One of us tonight And everyone's a suspect Lock the doors Let's mow these fuckers down Dave do we have any Let's mow these fuckers down. Dave, do we have any segments that we want to do before we move on?

Do you want to move on to Overheard? Oh, yeah, sure. Let's do that. Overheard. Now, John, you know this segment. No, but Graham, shut up. Before we move on to Overheard. Now, John, you know this segment. No, but before Graham, shut up. Before we move on to Overheard. Guys, what is going on?

I have never heard you turn to Graham and tell him to shut up like that before. Do you want to sit here, Graham? No, no, I'm good. You sure? I can sit between the two of you. David, we understand what this new child brings added pressure, but your friend has done nothing wrong. All he tried to do was

move the podcast along. I don't like this. You whipped your hand around and told him you don't. Why? What's wrong, Graham? What's wrong with you? No! Bathing suit area! That's also a bathing suit area! Graham wears an old-timey bathing suit From the 20th I wear a scuba suit

Now Graham Before we move on to overheard That's better It's time for my favorite segment on the show A segment called New dad T-Shirt Quiz. Oh! All right. Okay, all right.

New Dad T-Shirt Quiz. Now, how does that work? Okay. Dave, shut up! I did it! Where's my massage? Where's my bathing suit area, John? Get at it.

Okay. No! No! John's undoing Dave's belt. And John tried to run away with the belt. No, I was going to hit him with it. Okay, go ahead. Graham, you got something on your mind.

Oh, yeah. What was my segment? No, it was Dave's segment, which was... No, Graham shut me up for his segment. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you want to shut me up for yours? I don't, I have no, I go, no I have no idea what that was Supposed to be something though, genuinely

It's time for my favorite segment What's that? Is it a, what? Shit I only came up with it today You guys are good Oh, sorry John Did we not keep the show on its rails? Shit. I only came up with it today. You guys are good. Oh, sorry, John.

Did we not keep the show on its rails? My grandmother, by the way. No, go ahead. One of you go. Halloween knockoff costumes. Oh, I love it. Halloween knockoff costumes. So this is a segment wherein I went to the Halloween pop-up store.

What's that? Just for Halloween. It's like the month before Halloween. Okay, go. There's costumes that are licensed official costumes of movies and TV shows. And then there's knock-off costumes.

You're Ant-Man. Yes. Your Fighting Man. I don't read comic books. But Fighting Man would be exactly the name of one of these. Oh, one of the knock-offs. Knock-offs. Because they can't use the official name.

So I went to an actual Halloween store, and I found some real knock-off names, and some of these are also made up. So that's the challenge of this. We have to guess what's the genuine knockoff and what's not. You gotta guess what it is based on the knockoff name.

What is it knocking off? Is this a competition between Dave and I or is it just friendly? Okay. I mean it's friendly but it's a competition. No, no. Dave, it's never friendly. If it's a competition it's not friendly. Dave, it's never friendly. All right. If it's a competition, it's not friendly. It sure isn't. Okay.

The first one is Candy Girl. Candy Girl. I'm going to say that is a genuine knockoff. No, you're not getting this right. I don't know what's going on. What am I missing? You have to say what it's knocking off. Oh, what it is knocking off?

Yeah. Oh, so some of them... Oh. Yeah. I did not understand your question. Why did you off. Yeah. Oh, so some of them... Oh. Yeah. I did not understand your question. Why did you say some of them are real and some of them are not? Oh, because you'll see some of them are fake. Because you had to invent some of them?

Yeah. Oh. But this one's real. Okay. Come on, John. Go ahead, Dave. What do you think it is? It's going to be like, I don't know, a character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

It's Strawberry Shortcake. Move on. No. We're all bored. Let's move on to the next one. We all know it's Strawberry Shortcake. It is Katy Perry. Katy Perry.

Katy Perry costume. This is going to be a tough game. Candy Girl. Yeah. It's going to be a tough game. I was so sure it was. All right. This next one?

Yeah. Sidekick Bros. Sidekick. Is this going to be like a Night at the Roxbury? No. No. Good. Good guess.

John? It could be. I'm going to take it very literally. Karate Kid outfit. Okay. Because of the sidekick. Kick. I got you.

Three Ninjas Kickback. Sidekick boys. Super Mario Brothers. Sidekick bros. But whose sidekick are they? I don't know. I don't get it. My answer was the best.

Doesn't make... any sense. Frosted food monster Oh a guy who ejaculates on food A guy who ejaculates on food A guy who ejaculates on food Oh you said also that Oh did he say that

Yeah I didn't even hear it Okay I was going to say A guy who ejaculates on food. No, it's a Guy Fieri costume. Oh! That's good. You got his first name, right?

That's good, yeah. Good for them. Yeah. I think I should get partial credit. Yeah, absolutely. You did. You got his first name. And his concept.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, absolutely. You did. You got his first name. And his concept. Yeah. Okay, a couple more. Back Alley Brawler. Boy. Back Alley Brawler. Back Alley Sally. Back Alley Brawler. I think this is going to be...

Oh, man. This is going to be like a Tats and kind of a Sons of Anarchy looking guy. I don't know what I would call him, but I would say motorcycle gang member. All right. Good guess. Dave? Guy who ejaculates food.

Yep. Your mic went out. Street Fighter. Street Fighter costumes. Bag alley brawler. Chat lady. Chat lady? Yep.

Oh. Chat lady. Chat lady? Yep. Oh, um... Dana Carvey in a... Yeah. On an online church forum. Yeah.

I might be wrong. You're close. I might be wrong. Dave? The Lily Tomlin character where she's like the operator. No, it's Meredith Vieira, everybody. Yeah, no, I made that one up. That's the one you made up?

Yeah. Oh, you have good imagination. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. So that's the end of that segment. All right, that was fun. Happy Halloween, everybody. Happy Halloween.

that segment. All right, that was fun. Happy Halloween, everybody. Okay, now it's back time for my favorite segment, which was a new dad t-shirt quiz. Okay, new dad t-shirt quiz. How does this work?

So I went to Zazzle.com and I looked up new dad t-shirts and some of these are some of these are real and some of these are fake and you just have to guess if they're real or fake.

That's what I thought today's quiz was. Go ahead. Mine was more complicated. The first one. A t-shirt that says real men make twins. Well, I mean, that's true.

Well, that's absolutely true. I'll tell you why. Because I didn't. Well, you don't have to steal everything. But yes. I'll tell you why. It's because I can totally see that. I mean, what a great shirt for, if you did have twins, what a great shirt to buy dad.

It's absolutely real. The next one. Prepared for diaper duty. And there's a picture of a gas mask. Is duty spelled D-O-O? No. No, no, no. Then it's fake. Absolutely true.

It's real. What? Absolutely real. Point for John. I own these. So far I own all these shirts you've mentioned. Just in case. Change we can believe in.

And it's a picture of President Obama with his diaper overflowing. I gotta say yes. Absolutely, that's real. No, it's fake, you racist. You don't think there are racists in this world? That shirt does exist. I own it.

Go ahead Next one This is one that says It looks like my nuts work And it's a picture of peanuts Wearing hard hats That's really good Is that the quiz? Is it good or not good?

Because it's good It's too good to be real I gotta say it's not real It's working on multiple levels Dave Wait are they wearing construction hats? Yeah Yeah it's real It's too good to be real. I've got to say it's not real. It's working on multiple levels, Dave. Wait, are they wearing construction hats? Yeah, it's real. It's not real. It's too good to be real.

I'm three for four. I'm keeping track. Here's one that says, Super Daddy, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bet that's real. I'm going to say real. It's real.

See you, John. John will be right back. Bye, John. I'm going to miss him. Am I going to miss him? Fun. Is he throwing a fit? Oh, he's getting another drink.

Growler. Growler growler Thank you I was almost done Okay a couple more Wait was that one fake Yeah probably No that was real

It was Through Christ Yeah Alright here comes the fake one I can't believe that nuts one Yeah I'm four for five One that says the walking dad with the walking dead logo.

It's got to be real. Yeah, it's real. It's real. One that says the new father with the godfather logo. Yeah, it's got to be real. It's too simple not to be real. No, it's fake. It's real.

I can't believe it. One that says dad humpers with the trash humpers logo. That's real. That's got it. That's absolutely fake. I've seen several dads wearing that. That's fake. They didn't just make their own.

It's fake. It's fake. What? And there's one more. A t-shirt that says adopted dads are real dads, even though society thinks of them as less than that. And it has a picture of a dad and his daughter in an office on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

And the dad's boss is there, and the dad is getting fired because it's not his biological daughter. Can you get fired for that? Yeah, absolutely. That's fraud. Yeah. Yeah, actually, he should be fired for that.

He was hired because he said he had a... I am going to say the t-shirt's fake, though. Fake? Yeah, fake t-shirt. Okay, all right. Guys, it's time for Overheard. Yay! You're good.

John, we always like to start Overheard with the guest. Don't. Would you? Okay, I'll tell you an oversaw. Okay. Okay. And it's very close to what your topic was, by the way. Okay.

Did you have to play a theme song or something? No, I played it earlier. You did? Yeah. And then we told each other to shut up. Right. Oh, right. Oh, wow.

Then you tried to take my penis out Yeah I was going to say something What were you going to say I've learned my lesson tonight A lot of thoughts that are in the chamber Do not need to be fired Okay

Oversaw I did see a t-shirt the other day A very interesting t-shirt A guy walking down the street Wearing, of all things A third best dad shirt And I thought that was hilarious Third best

That's fun, don't you think? No? Okay I thought that was a very interesting shirt Not second best Third best dad. Realistic. Not braggy. I feel like I could get there.

Third best dad. Get behind that. Dave, do you find it interesting that I mentioned that shirt? Yeah. Okay. Why? Because I think I've used that over a scene before. No, you haven't. Oh, okay.

But someone you know has. Oh, okay. But someone you know has. Oh, all right. I'm just trying to play along. Keep going. With what? Okay, forget it. Go ahead. Oh, so you did.

Your face was peculiar when I said it. Okay, go ahead. Okay. No, it's Dave's turn. It's my turn. Guys, over herds are a thing where you hear things and you report them to us and actually we didn't mention this earlier but when we're

done our overheards you guys we have a fourth microphone there and you'll be invited to come on stage and share your overheards you're the fourth member of the podcast yes can we bring the house lights up nope it's fine my overheard is an overseen the podcast. Yes. Can we bring the house lights up? Nope.

It's fine. My overheard is an overseen as well. I saw, as I was walking the dog the other day, I saw a sign someone had written on the

ground, just on a piece of paper, handwritten, injured mouse, don't step on me please. But it was next to a completely dead

mouse. And also it was a rat. So they were wrong on most of the accounts. But it was written as if the mouse wrote its own sign. Yeah, I guess so. That's cute. Not really.

All the R's were backwards and stuff. It was really cute. It had a little lemonade stand. It was wearing overalls with one thing on top. Oh, no, so dumb. Such a dumb mouse. So do you think it got rolled then? Yeah, it got rolled for its...

Oh, that's terrible. That's a sad story. Lemonade money. Graham, what's yours, man? That one's sad. That one's too sad. Mine was... I don't know who these people were

because they were behind me on the bus. So I don't know. Kind of like my airplane story, but the Bob Bob Block Sheep lady on the airplane. Yeah. Oh, they just won a contest. We have a contest going on about... Did you just win a contest?

Oh, you want to know the end of the story? For people who couldn't hear, three people in the audience... Oh, yeah, for three people in the audience dying to hear it? No, it's actually done because I need to punish David for his behavior earlier,

so I can't continue. I accept. Tell you what, when I come back in November and I bring my book of poetry, I will tell the Baa Baa Black Sheep story. Because we're all going to meet here at the Biltmore. On this day.

On this day, but in November. And if you're here... Two months to the day after we all killed that guy. We haven't done it yet. Yeah. Yeah, we have. No, no, no. What? Oh, no, we haven't.

Sorry. Yeah. I mean, what? Okay, you're overheard or saw or... Overheard. Overheard. Somebody was talking about a lady's face. This was on the bus?

On the bus. And it was two girls. And one girl said, her face is so beautiful. And the other girl said, not as beautiful as my coffee table. That's a good over. Oh, boy. Have a swig. Oh, yeah.

I brought you a cold one in case that one's warm now. Thank you. If anybody wants to come up with an overheard, you are more than welcome to. Do you have an overheard? Oh, yeah. Come on. You sat up. Oh, yeah.

Come on up. Ladies and gentlemen, our first overheard. Yes. more than welcome to. You have an overheard? Oh, yeah, come on. You sat up. Oh, yeah, come on up. Ladies and gentlemen, our first overheard. Yeah, hello. Make you feel nice. Hi. Hi. What's your name, sir? I'm Tyler.

Hi, Tyler. Tyler. Hey. Hey, Tyler. Hey. So I work at a retail store, and it was kind of a- What store? Game Deals Video Games in New Westminster.

Okay. Yeah. In Vanderhoof? In Vanderhoof. Yeah. Great pie. Yeah. And, uh games in New Westminster. Okay. In Vanderhoof. In Vanderhoof. Great pie. Hey, hey. Bit expensive, eh?

Oh, yeah. So, video game store in New West. Yeah. I like New West. Yeah, everything from Atari on up. Atari on up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing below.

All right. I'm going to have to pay you $20 after this. Or you're just going to cut all that out No you can do both And we'll cut this out So you don't sell in television? We do You said Atari on up

Okay go ahead So Customer walks in from Columbia Street Which is next to We're in between a money mart and a bar, which is not ideal. Well, don't brag. So they walk in and they said, really nice day today. You know, the government hates giving us those because then we can see the chemtrails.

So there was a lot of things working in their head. And then they walked right back out. Oh, wait a minute. They walked into the store? Said. And then they walked right back out. Oh, wait a minute. They walked into the store? They walked into the store. And then walked right back out. Yeah. Wow.

That's rough. The customer's always right. That's great. That is a beautiful... Tyler, everybody! Anybody else? Come up here, sir. There's actually, for any future overheards,

there's stairs at the side. Yeah. Either side, if you want to come up. Yeah. No, no. We just don't want anyone to get hurt. Yeah, don't apologize. I feel like you're attacking me here.

No, no, no. No, no, no. We want to make life easier on you. You don't have to make a giant step up there over cables. You can take two small steps with no cables right there. Thank you so much. Let's try it. Here we go.

One, two. There it is. Not bad. Not bad. What is your name, sir? Alex. Go ahead whenever you're ready. Alex P. Keaton. So at the time I was going to UVic and I was walking to school behind this mother

and I think her son, who was about 13 to 15 years old. They were doing a paper route. And she was, from what I could tell, she was disappointed that he had a party without telling her. And she was kind of going on about all the different things. And then she stopped and said, what were they making in the blender? What do you think they were making in the blender? He was stunned.

He was stunned? Oh, no. Don't ask me that, Mom. Well, there's only so many things you can make in a blender. Jewelry. Well, yeah. Great jewelry many things you can make out of that. Jewelry. Well. Yeah. Great jewelry. A bright future for the next generation.

Okay, ten more. Alex, everybody's leaving. Alex P. Keaton. He's going by the two steps. Come up the stairs. Just for safety's sake. Just for safety's sake. Rick for safety's sake, use it. Rick Ross, bro.

I don't get it. There's nothing to get. All right. Yeah. What is your name, sir? My name is Ryan. Ryan? Yep.

Go ahead whenever you're ready. I was at McDonald's. Ryan Stiles. Go ahead. Ryan Stiles. I was at McDonald's, and there was a booth and a couple sitting facing each other eating silently writing poetry

and I sat down and I was there for a bit and then the guy just said very slowly how much toilet paper do you think it would take to soak up the ocean that's good that's a fair question.

Ryan, everybody. Rick Ross Perot. Ryan, what's your best guess on that? On how much toilet paper? Yeah, yeah. How many rolls of toilet paper? We're talking regular, not jumbo rolls. But how many rolls?

At least five. Greater than five. Dave? Oh, one dollar. Always. You know what's crazy? You're both right. Never take a risk. Anybody else?

Yeah. All right. What if that was a terrorist organization Oh, we got stairs on the other side. that he could have thwarted? What, Rick Ross Perot? You're next, and then we'll get him. What, are you coming up the other side?

Crafty. Too late. 40. Well, yeah. Wow. What you got? They other side? Crafty. Too late. 40. Wow. What you got? They sell these here. I would hope so. Otherwise, that is inappropriate, my friend.

Mr. Defensive, what's your real name? My name is also Ryan. Are you going to say it? So I was at school, and I was walking past one of the workrooms in the library, and everything was silent except for this shrill voice that asked, is it flat-bottomed girls or fat-bottomed girls? Good question. Very good question.

Fair enough. And then it was just, it's fat-bottomed girls. Good question. Very good question. Fair enough. And then it was just, it's fat bottom girls. Oh. Silence. That is all. Nice, Ryan.

All right. Ryan and his 40 bot here. Yeah, legally. Was that guy just taking an inventory on who makes the rockin' world go round? Yeah He's like, excuse me, I'm writing an essay On who makes the rockin' world go round That's why I'm in the library

And I'm having a little trouble here Because the But would you take Freddie Mercury's advice On who makes the rockin' world go round In terms of girls? Yeah, I would I fucking would, Dave, and I'll tell you why Freddie, no, no, and I'll tell you why.

He's never spit up to me before. He's a dad! Circle of life. I would. I'm not saying Freddie Mercury's wrong, I just don't know if he has a ton of experience. Right. What do you think makes a rock and world go around?

Oh, boy. Like, jewelry. Yeah, yeah, jewelry. A bright future. Anything you could put's a question. What do you think makes a rockin' world go round? Oh, boy. Like, jewelry. Yeah, yeah, jewelry. A bright future. Anything you can put in a blender. Do we have another overheard? Oh, yeah. Hop on up, sir. Flat bottom girls, you make the... What is your name, sir?

My name's Kirk. Kirk. Captain Kirk. I knew you were going to say that. Thank you. What's that? I said I knew you were going to say that. Wow.

Wow, Wow. Okay. So my overheard... Kirk! Cameron! That was the other one I was going to go for. You knew I was going to do that, too? I figured it would be one of the two.

Got everyone standing up to John today. Got a lot of enemies tonight, man. A lot of people trying to guess what's in my head tonight. So mine comes from public transit, of course. I was waiting for a bus and there was a group of three maybe mid to late 20-somethings and one girl says to her two friends,

you remember my friend Anna who peed on my couch? She sent me a Snapchat. Guess what she was doing. And in case you were wondering, the Snapchat was a picture of a mushroom that said I'm a real fun guy. That's cute. There's room for puns always. And in case you're wondering, the Snapchat was a picture of a mushroom that said, I'm a real fun guy. Oh, fun.

That's cute. There's room for puns always. Remember? Yeah, yeah. Remember earlier? Yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think that's very sweet. Yeah.

Kirk, everybody. Kirk Hammett, everyone. Kirk Hammett from Metallica. Now, guys. Yeah. Do you, do the three of us know what Snapchat is? Yeah, yeah. It's where you send a picture of your balls to what Snapchat is? Yeah, yeah. It's where you send a picture of your balls to the person and they go, ah!

And then it erases. And then it goes to the cloud and then it's leaked. And then, right? And it's all, you know, this lady and Graham's nuts. Ruins my career. Or does it make it better? Do we have any more? Do we have anybody else?

I think there is one more over her. There's one more. Two more over her. Two more. Are you more too? What's your name? Sandra. Hey, Sandra. Hello, welcome.

Long-time listener, big fan. I came up partly because there's no ladies coming up for the overheard. That's right. And I know you guys mentioned that on the podcast. Overheard girls, they make the rock and roll go round. So I cycle everywhere, so I don't often have public transit overheards. But mine was while I was in my neighborhood.

I missed it. Mine was while I lived in commercial drive area. And a couple of young hipster east van dudes going by on a Friday evening. It was like 6, 7 o'clock and they're going by and the one guy's going,

Friday, Friday, do you know it's Friday? And the other guy goes, dude, it's T-minus 16 hours till we blow everyone's minds. So that's like 10 in the morning. That's amazing. I don't know what

they were talking about, but it was pretty funny. The next morning, it's going to be pancakes. Waffles? I don't know what they were talking about. The next morning, it's going to be pancakes. Waffles? I don't know. Do we get our names? Sandra. Sandra's the best. Sandra Bernard, everybody.

Sandra Bernard. Do I have fans out there? All right. We have more men here. Ladies here. All right. So one dude and then a lady and then we'll call it a draw. Well, there's a couple more. We got two gentlemen here. Oh, two gentlemen? Okay. All right. So one dude and then a lady, and then we'll call it a draw. Well, there's a couple more.

We got two gentlemen here. Oh, two gentlemen? Okay, all right. Two gentlemen and a lady. Oh, would that be a good show? Okay, go on. Wait, you guys? Which of yours is better?

Yours or his? Hers is probably better. Okay, so we're going to end with her. All right. No, you're going to get your chance. Yeah, yeah, Don't go away. All right. What's your name?

Bill. Bill. Bill. And mine takes listening. Bill. Yeah, come on. I got another. You've got something.

Sorry. Did you say mine takes listening? No, no, no. Okay, this over here takes listening. Okay. Yeah. Come on, you guys. Focus.

They'll turn on you tonight. Yeah. Mine takes place in a hospital, like an emergency waiting room. That's where my grandpa died. Yeah, I know, man. In the waiting room? Why was he waiting for?

Yeah, we were waiting for our grandfathers. I get it. Just a hospital. It's kind of a double whammy because two things happened right after another. One was that a guy had something stuck in his throat. He was sort of choking, but okay. And his bros were there with him laughing every time he tried to clear his throat. Classic.

And then his friends would, yeah. What counts as an emergency in the emergency room? I'm choking. You can wait. Yeah. Oh, this is an emergency in the emergency room. I'm choking. You can wait.

And then a doctor walked out with a younger guy, like around 20. And the doctor said, so see, it wasn't really an emergency. You could have waited and gone to the clinic tomorrow. And then the kid said, hey, man, these are my balls. Thanks, guys. Bill Murray! Bill Murray! So, she's going last? No, he's next.

What's your name? We're counting on you. Evan. Evan. Go ahead, Evan. Do we have a name for Evan there, John? Yep. Go ahead. I was on the number 20 bus, and there were these two...

20-minute countdown! Go ahead. Mid-60s, Eastern European gentlemen with very heavy accents behind me. And they were talking about sexting. And the... I mean, there were a couple of good ones, but my favorite was...

The guy said... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hold on. Uh-oh. It's a good thing you didn't go last. No, that would be great if it ended right there. Uh-oh.

You'd burn this place down. He said, um. Evan, start again. Start again. Okay. He said, I come. Delete, delete, delete. Yeah. Pretty good, Evan.

Evan, everybody. What were you laughing about in your private little thing there? It doesn't even matter. You said 20 minute countdown? I said a million different... I have this thing. I have something wrong in my head.

I honestly think something is wrong with me. I'm going to have to go to one of these emergency rooms these guys are talking about. No, I just kept saying things wrong, and I looked at Dave, and the way he just... Dave subtly shook his head. I knew I had said it wrong all three times.

And then for some reason, I felt like I needed to express to Dave, oh, I got the right answer. But meanwhile, all this is going... Anyway, it was all just too much. It's not entertaining. I said 20-minute countdown, but it's actually...

I thought it was a 20-minute workout, and then I realized, no, it's a 22-minute workout, isn't it? Oh, you don't care either. I don't know is the thing. Okay, does anyone remember the aerobics show from the 80s? Oh, yeah. That would be 22 minutes. 22 minutes, thank you. What was would be 22 minutes. 22 minutes. Thank you.

What was it? 20 minutes? 20 minutes. Shut up! It's not body break! What did you say? It was 20, not 22? So I did get it right the second time, and it doesn't even matter because he doesn't know,

so let's move on. Okay. All right, last overhead. Last overhead. Here it is. Here we go. Here we go. A lot of pressure.

A lot of pressure on the last one. Here, let me... Do you want me to bring it down a bit? Please do. There you go. Wait a minute. A lot of pressure on the last one. Here, let me... Do you want me to bring it down a bit? Please do. Wait a minute. What did they do with the other two minutes of the workout? Because this is the last one. Because it's a 22-minute broadcast.

You got to cool down, buddy. You spent one minute warming up, one minute cooling down. If I know working out like I think I do... Yeah. You don't. Okay, go. What's your name? Sharnell. Sharnell. Shar. You don't. Okay, go. What's your name? Charnell. Hi, Charnell.

Go ahead. So mine was at my work, which has downstairs after school care for some kids, and I was in one room just working on a report, and I heard some kids coming upstairs, and I heard this one kid go, I just really hate myself! Right as our executive director came by, and she stopped, one kid go, I just really hate myself, right as our executive director came by

and she stopped and she goes, why would you say that? He goes, well, my brother says it all the time. And she goes, oh, why does your brother say it? He goes, well, because he farts a lot. Charnel, everybody! Charnel. John Doerr that brings us to

to the end of this here show it had to end sometime it had to end somewhere somehow what can we do these people clearly came a long way. They battled the snow.

You don't know any of the poetry off by heart. You don't know any of your poetry off by heart. I actually do not. But don't do that, because it's going to sound like we actually set this up. No, no, no. Well, that's what I was hoping would. No, there's no poetry.

Okay, all right. But a lot of these people drove long distances. I mean, we should do something for them. Don't do it. You know what I mean? Like what? Like what? Well, I don't know.

I mean, we're three smart chaps. Why don't we just dream something up to entertain these folks? They came a long way, and they're still here. They clearly have some energy, and we're going to deny them? I mean, I know the showbiz saying is leave them wanting more, but I think we should probably... We should not do that. We should not do that.

What do you got? All right. How about I pull out my phone and I read off some ideas I have for jokes. Oh, yes. And we'll see how far that goes. phone and I read off some ideas I have for jokes. Oh, yes. We'll see how far that goes. And you are doing this because these people

drove a long way. And they deserve to see jokes that haven't yet been written. Okay, Dave. I won't do it then. I'll just put my phone away. Oh, John, I'm sorry. John, I'm sorry. Please.

Beg me. Please, John. Please. In high school, I realized... At high school, I realized I was hanging around with the wrong crowd. So, uh... Oh, no, yeah, sorry. This is good. I was hanging around,

in high school, I used to hang around with the wrong crowd, and then I realized, wait, I don't know any of you people. It's a little literal, but... It's fun. Play on words. Anything you want to plug, Graham?

People are different! Some people go to the store and they buy all the ingredients for a salad, come home and chop it up. I go to a grocery store where there's a salad bar and I put my fingernails clippings in it. That's fun. People are different.

No? This is a bad idea. None of these are good. John, thank you so much for coming all the way to Vancouver and being a guest

on the show. John Doerr, everybody! Thank you. Thanks for having me. You're amazing. It's always a pleasure to be here. Yeah.

It's a treat to have you. How are you guys going to wrap it up? With a little song? We're just going to say, do a little song for them. They came a long way tonight. An old man turned 98. He won the lottery. He died the next day.

It's a black fly in your chardonnay. It's a death row pardon two minutes too late. Well, isn't it ironic? Don't you think? It's a little too ironic. Yeah, I really do think.

It's like rain. It's a free ride when you're already paid. It's a good advice that you just can't take. But who would have thought it'd be us? Good night, everybody. Mr. Planes safe. It was a great time. Back in his suitcase.

Kissed his kids goodbye. So he did his whole damn life just to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down, he thought, well, isn't this nice? Well, isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic? I don't do that every time. It made me think.

It's like raining on your wedding day. It's like a free ride when you already paid some good advice that you just can't say your fucking song. It figures

that life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Life has a funny way. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- Yeah, I really do think... It's like, It's like, Like, yay! Yay!