Stop Podcasting Yourself - Bonus Episode - LIVE with Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: February 19, 2014

Paul F. Tompkins joins us to talk Mitt Romney, David Blaine, and clumsy waiters. Recorded Live at the Biltmore Cabaret in Vancouver as part of the Northwest Comedy Fest Photo by Leigh Righton.

Hi, everybody. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Hello. Welcome. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Hello, everybody. Thank you for coming to the Biltmore. Yeah, it was nice of me to dress up. Yeah. You're very welcome.

For the home listener. Go ahead. I am dressed exquisitely. Yeah. As usual. That's not, yeah. That's not a surprise. Uh, Graham, how would you describe what you're wearing? I would describe it either as Professor Caveman or... Wrestler at a funeral. These are the two looks.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Yes! Um... I'm glad everyone found a seat. Yeah. It'll be a fun 90 minutes. Now, do you guys know that we have a guest on the show?

Do you guys know that? Well, why waste time? All right. Right? On the count of three, let's see it together. Yeah. All right, here we go. Okay.

Are we going to say the whole intro together? Okay, sure. Yeah, okay. So on three, and then we start the intro. On three or after three? After three. Okay. So one, two, three, and then we start the intro that we're doing together.

How about a one, two, three, four, so we get into the rhythm of it? Right. So this isn't a waltz. about a one, two, three, four so we get into the rhythm of it? So this isn't a waltz. Okay. One, two, three, four. Please welcome to the stage a very

funny man. Mr. Paul F. Thompson. Thompson. Thompson! Yay! Hello! Welcome!

Hello Dave, hello Graham. This is great! Hello Vancouver. Vancouver. What a pleasure. What a pleasure to be back here. Thank you for having me. Thanks for coming back. You were showing me just before I introduced you that you have a heart and a Canadian maple leaf.

It's my watch fob. The last time I was here, I bought a keychain at the airport gift shop. Because you had somebody special in mind. Maple Leaf and a heart. There was some Mountie that was also attached. I threw him in the trash. He didn't belong. Did you explain to the person at the airport gift shop,

I'm going to use this for my watch fall? Oh, at great lengths. Tell me again why you're telling me this is what they said to you. I showed them a photo album on my phone of all the keychains I intend to make watch fobs. It's something I'm

on the fence about. Like, I feel like this one will be too much of a dangly bobble. Graham, I also have a name for your look, if I may. Yes, please. Lawrence the Cable Gentleman. Oh, Paul, it's so nice to have you here. Yeah, do you guys want to get to know us? I would love that!

Oh, Paul, it's so nice to have you here. Yeah, do you guys want to get to know us? I would love that! Get to know us. What? He doesn't sing it live every time. Now, this was the very first time that we met you. We did a live podcast at, what was it, 2pm? Yeah, on a Thursday. On a Thursday. In a hotel ballroom.

That's right. I think ballroom is being very generous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Conference? Ball pit. Utility room? You were staying at the Ikea hotel. Hey, what if we unstacked these chairs? I bet we could have a show in here. Some surly guy vacuuming the whole time.

This isn't going to interfere with your recording, is it? Anyway! So here we are. Full circle. Yeah. Biltmore. Tonight. We did it.

Now. You know what? So many people said to me, after we did that show at that hotel, a utility room, people were like, you guys will never play the Biltmore. Yeah.

It was crazy. It was crazy. Why did so many people say that? Oh, they were drunk. It was weird. It was a specific insult. Remember that one? Yeah, it was a guy.

He looked like he was from the future who said that specifically. He was wearing a silver jumpsuit. Yes! He said, you will never, and he kept wagging his He was also a gypsy, future gypsy. And I lost all that weight. And I gained it all. Hello!

Hello. It's fun. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello to you. So, and they get to know us. We always start with the guest. And what's happening? You, you, you've done so many things. I was really not ready for this at all.

You, since we last saw you, you're on a television show with puppets. Previously on me. Yeah, yeah. Paul was cleaning a bloody knife in the sink. He didn't murder anybody the last time. We just had some really...

Rare steak. Yeah, we had some rare steak and he wanted to wash his knife. I don't like the way that you guys jumped to that conclusion

that Paul's a murderer. That's for the scenes from next on Paul at 5.10. Where it's like the Mad Men next week on where it's just like

nonsense. Like what? Anything could be happening. I don't care. Why should he say that? How many? I'm intrigued. I gotta watch that episode.

So what's been going on? What's been happening? Chicken. Graham! Dave! So many things have been happening? Shaking. Graham! What's cooking? Dave! So many things have been happening. This is so exciting.

This is very exciting. When is the last time that I saw you guys? It's been a little while. Like a year? Let's say a year. It was here in this city. In the Biltmore. In this Vancouver.

In the Biltmore. We were at the Biltmore preparing to prove that gypsy wrong. We started rehearsing this podcast. This is the result of a year of planning. How's it going? Much like the Olympic Winter Games opening ceremonies, this is, we, just wait until you see the banners that we had made.

They're not here now, but we'll Instagram them. We'll be able to look at them. In that time, I, uh, uh, the look of them. In that time, I... It's a lot. I'm trying to think, like, what are the highlights of a year?

You're on a show where you co-star with puppets. Yes. Yeah, right? Has anybody... Somebody's supposed to... Yeah.

It makes me uncomfortable. Usually when you say puppets, that's a free applause. That's what I was going for. Is that one of those things that you know people will go crazy for? Support the troops. Hey, who smokes weed? Puppets, everybody. See?

I wasn't wrong. Yes, it's true. It's a show called No, You Shut Up. And it's on this network called Fusion that nobody gets. Oh, we get it in Canada. Do you guys get it? Oh, yeah. It's like Channel 3.

You don't even need cable. Oh, you've it in Canada. Do you guys get it? Oh, yeah. It's like Channel 3. You don't even need cable. Oh, you've added a third channel. That's very exciting. Channel 1 is previewed. It's like the hotel channel. It tells you what's going on in the country. Hey, if you ever want to go to a mountain, there's some of those. We've got ten.

Politicians debate a bridge. That's a reoccurring theme. Like whether it exists or not? That would be a great debate. If the one guy's like, there's no bridge there, what are you talking about? No, we can make it. the one guy's like, there's no bridge there. What are you talking about? No, we can make it.

My wife and I just moved, and so now we get that channel because we switched cable providers. Oh, the channel that you're on? Yes, now I'm able to see the show that I do. Not the Canadian Preview channel. I would love to get the Canadian Preview channel. Just to see what's happening. It's called CBC is the name of it. I used to love that. Due South.

What was it called? Due South. Absolutely it was called Due South. Who was in that? A guy? Paul Gross. Paul Gross. Paul Gross from Men With Brooms.

Scoring points. This is great. Slings and arrows. Where are my slings and arrows fans at? Puppets. What if they did slings and arrows with puppets? Pitch it to fusion. Say we've already got the puppets.

They're becoming an all puppet network. Pupnet. No. No. I feel like Pupnet would attract a lot of the wrong crowd Who are there to see puppies Yeah, yeah, yeah Or people with little tents How big is a pup tent?

It's big enough for a puppy Or a puppet Who are these pampered dogs who got their own devoted tent? Like, you sleep out in the ground. You're a dog. You don't get a tent. Don't say that to a dog, though. I feel like I come off like Mitt Romney.

You're a dog. They're not even going to vote for us, those dogs. Go sleep in a ditch. He sleeps in a ditch. They love it. They like it a lot. That guy thought he was gonna be the president of the United States.

Sometimes I think about it and it's so weird. Like he couldn't... He's such a weird robot who has no connection to humanity at all. You were nearly ruled by a robot. I think that... hey, hold on

now. I should be the guy who says, what happened? Inputting. Inputting. I should be the guy who says what? And I was worried about it, too. I was worried about it. Like, for a while, I was like, oh my god, what if this guy becomes the president of us all? Oh, then you just

turn off the main power source. He goes down. No problem. That's the thing with robots. They need power. Yeah, but how are you you just turn off the main power source. He goes down. No problem. That's the thing with robots. They need power. Yeah, but how are you going to get to the main power source? Oh, I don't know. That sounds like a caper. Yeah.

I guess you have future Mitt Romney, who doesn't like how things turn out, would have to come back and say, I'm here to help you. And you'd be like, no, you're Mitt Romney. And he'd chase you around. But then you'd learn to trust him. And he has to time travel naked.

Naked Mitt Romney. Do you think future naked time travel Mitt Romney was the one who told us we'd never play the billboard? He was painted silver. That's what we forgot. He wasn't wearing a silver suit. Like Sports Illustrated swim suit model. So sexy. It's the sexiest thing a woman can do,

paint herself. It's like, what is the point of that? Of like, hey, you know those girls, how they're wearing things that barely cover their bodies as it is?

What if we take that away? Yeah, what if that was just paint? Because the next step is they'll be like, how about we get rid of that paint? How about if we tell you, pretend she's wearing a bathing suit. Anyway, puppets.

So it's a show, it's like a meet the press, but with me as the host and the puppets are the round table. Have you actually seen it? Yeah, I've seen you square off against a squirrel. I love that squirrel. It is the greatest. I love that squirrel.

It's a conservative Christian squirrel. It was very funny. But a weird thing that I was not prepared for was that it's all improvised, but none of us can see each other because all of those people are below the desk. And so I'm just looking at these felt things with their plastic eyes. And so there's no, a big part of improv I realized is social cues, like physical cues of like people will make a face like this,

like I'm about to say something, and then you know to stop talking because that person is about to say something. But when it's just like a mitten that's looking at you, you don't know. And it's still a weird thing that I'm adjusting to.

At the end of one of the segments the squirrel says, I'm going to pray for you, and you go, that's great. I don't believe in God. And that was the end of one of the segments, the squirrel says, I'm going to pray for you. And you go, that's great. I don't believe in God. And that was the end of that. It's a great show. Check it out. It's a weird show. Yeah. It's worth a look.

What, you're so great, you can't spare 30 minutes to look at a puppet show? For shame. Now, Paul, what's it like being on TV and pretending you don't believe in God? Well, I like to lampoon these Hollywood types. Yeah. who seem to think that a life lived without Christ is somehow the right path.

And of course, we all know that it's not. And so that's my little joke. Maybe it's too subtle. I don't know. Dave, how much do you believe in God? Oh, boy. I mean, like... One to ten. One to ten. Dave, how much do you believe in God? Oh, boy. I mean, like... One to ten. One to ten.

There's stuff there. Right? Right? Yeah, man. Like, I don't... What? What are you doing? You were voguing. Yeah.

I was the guy at Burning Man that was like, Yeah. I'm selling popsicles. Are you guys as terrified as I am of Burning Man? Oh, yeah. Because I feel like it's not just people getting high or whatever. I feel like crimes happen there.

What type of crimes? Mad Max crimes? Yeah, Mad Max crimes. That's exactly right, Dave. That's exactly right. I feel like fingerprints where there's just sand everywhere. It's getting into your fingerprint tape. Everything's getting dusted. Right? Yeah, everything's dusted all the time.

If you want to murder someone, go to the desert. Oh, I've always said that. Oh, that's where I heard it. Yeah. My dad told me that on my 20th birthday. So look, sit down. If you're going to murder someone. My 20th.

Huh? Because I was scrawny as a kid, but when I was 20 it really bulked up and he was like, now he's ready. He could see the murderous rage building in you. That's right. He could throw a steak at my face during dinner. Arrgh! Arrgh!

Like a rabbit duck. This is your wrestling character. Yeah. Right. You love wrestling so much. I do. Yeah.

Dave, do you love wrestling? No. Did you when you were a kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I did when I was a kid because that's for children. It is for kids. Even when I was a kid, it made me uncomfortable. Why?

What about it? The homoeroticism? The yelling at each other? I was talking to the it made me uncomfortable. Why? What about it? The homoeroticism? The yelling at each other? I was talking to... The violence? Too much yelling! I was talking to a guy that I know who wrote for wrestling. Wow.

This guy, Tommy Blacha, who wrote for years for wrestling. He wrote for Connery. He's a comedy writer. He's written for all these amazing things. But for a time, he wrote for professional wrestling, outlining stories and all that stuff. And I said, I never got into... Even when I was a kid, I didn't really like it.

And he said, too nude. And I realized, yes. It was weird. What's the name of the guy who was a wrestler? He was really big. It might have been like the giant. And he wore a flesh-toned bodysuit with body hair and muscles. He was called Giant Gonzalez.

Not to confuse you. No, a real person? Yeah, Giant Gonzalez. This is all real what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. So he was like an Andre the Giant who wore a slim good body? Yes.

But with hair covering. And just like a weird triangle of hair over his crotch. He had a vagina. Was this on television? Yeah. How was that allowed? This was on television. I watched all the time.

This seems wildly inappropriate. Oh. There was a match in wrestling that I only learned about recently that's called the tuxedo match. And what happens in a tuxedo match is both of the opponents show up in a very nice tuxedo.

And then they proceed to rip it off of each other. And whoever's naked at the end loses. Like nudity nudity? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like whoever has their full tuxedo, rental underwear and all. Rental!

Now look, can you give me, I'll be right up front with you about this. I'm renting this for a tuxedo match. Yeah. It's going to come back a little ragged. It's not going to come back in mint condition. But also, do you rent briefs?

Because I think that's part of the deal, that they might tear my underwear off. It's a sex crime. It is a sex crime. Sex crime, sex crime. You're a sex crime. You're a sex crime. Sex crime, sex crime. You're a sex crime. You're a sex crime? You're a sex crime. Oh, no.

Your whole being is a sex crime? Yeah. You should be put to death. How many types of wrestling matches are there before you get to tuxedo match? And can we come up with our own? Oh, yeah. Well, what do you mean? What are the are the different, there's like the ladder match. Yeah, okay.

And there's the retirement match. Retirement match? Yeah. Someone has to retire? Yeah, whoever loses has to retire. Sounds nice. Yeah. Why are we glossing over ladder match? Oh, yeah.

So they hang the belts or whatever the guys are fighting for. Maybe it's just a ham in a small town. Right? Two wrestlers fighting over a ham. They hang it from the ceiling. Are we going back to medieval times with this? Yeah. Ham with the bones sticking.

Plague cure. Put that up there. So they fight, and then whoever can climb the ladder and grab the thing, that's the winner of the bout. Whoever grabs the whatever the prize is. I would just make a deal with the guy that like, okay, let's not fight each other.

Let's just work that ladder. Let's do the ladder, but race each other up. Yeah. Like, one of us is going to lose. It's 50-50, but let's not hurt ourselves. A lot of those ladders are not. They don't have the two.

It's only one side is steps. Be careful. That top step, that is not a step. No, don't stand on that top step. A lot of wrestlers have learned that the hard way. Don't stand on that top step. Oh, I almost did that the other day. What?

I was so tempted to stand on that top step. Now, you... I had to get stuff out of the crawl space. What? I was so tempted to stand on that top step. Now, you... Did you say... Get stuff out of the crawl space. You moved into a new house, so you're getting up on ladders, you're fixing everything yourself. Yes, we moved out of the old house.

You and your wife had a ladder match. That's right. I lost. Honey, can you get the ham? Why don't we both try to get the ham? Here's what neither of us ever asked who put that ham up there and why is this the way we get our food don't look at gift cards in the mouth but yeah i forgot i forgot we got everything out of the house and it was a torturous

move of packing and we followed the advice that someone uh gave us because we hadn't moved in a while and a friend of ours said here's the best advice I ever got about moving. Don't think, just put stuff in boxes. Yeah. Yes. Which inevitably happens anyway. Like, you start off being super careful, and then after a while, it's just you're not organizing things anymore. No, yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Is that the show? Is that show's over? Show's over. We got the signal. Wow, well. All right. To the top of the ladder, gentlemen, yeah. Whoa. Is that the show? Is that show's over? Show's over. We got the signal. Wow, well. To the top of the ladder, gentlemen. Thanks a lot, Nokia. Follow me on Twitter. Was that

Mitt Romney? Trying to get a plug in? Yeah, that was Mitt Romney. Wait. Was that beeping Mitt Romney? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, it's me. Perfect. That's a perfect impression of a guy. We don't remember what he sounds like.

Exactly. It's as good as any Mitt Romney. Here's what's great. We can all do a Mitt Romney impression. Yeah. Isn't that wonderful? Now that it's more timely. What you talking about, Barack Obama?

What? I'm Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney. Two Mitt Romneys. Out of my way. Give me that ham. It's just a remake of Multiplicity with Mitt Romney and Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney and Mitt Romney and Mitt Romney.

Ow! I feel good. Oh. Hard one. Tangents! When you moved, how many pens did you discover you were using? You know what?

I did a big pen purge a few months ago, and it was very satisfying to just throw those pinned in the trash. Yeah. So many pins. I use three pins max. Yeah. Maybe.

Do you have a favorite? Of course I do. Yeah. Tell us about your favorite pin, Paul. Well, I believe it's a Pilot. A Uniball writer.

It's very smooth, not scratchy at all. Oh, it yeah yeah i like it a lot glides across the paper like a figure skater it's like dorothy hamill out there um i started did you see there was some special about uh like hey remember nancy kerrigan and tanya harding oh a 30 for 30. Man, oh, man. That was hard to look away from. Yeah. That really happened. These horrible, monstrous people.

Yeah. Do you include Nancy Kerrigan amongst the horrible, monstrous people? No. She declined to be interviewed. Oh, good for her. Oh, wow. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just talked to Tonya Harding.

Who was ready to be interviewed. She seemed to be the only person who was interested in still talking about it. Did Jeff Gillooly speak to him? Jeff Gillooly, that's what I was going to ask. Who's the name? Oh, really? Yes. To Dale Chihuly.

To Jeff Pachuli. He changed it to Ghoul Jalefli. And he wears ghoul makeup. To really sell his name? He's a ghoul. Oh, you must be mistaken. I'm not Jeff Gillooly. Now, he was her husband, boyfriend, ex-husband?

He was her boyfriend. And he didn't do the knee knocking. No. Hey, if this knee's a knocking, don't come around. Yeah, absolutely. He hired a guy. Do we not remember his name? That guy, I just saw this last night, and I don't remember his name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Because Jeff Gulli is so much more fun to say. That's right. It's so much fun to say. But Jeff Gulli is... What was it? Gulli?

Gulli. Gulli. Gulli. That's a ram. I'm sorry. I... What was it, Gooley? Gould you left it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now, Paul, Jeff Gulloley is so much fun to say.

What would it sound like if Mitt Romney... Here we go. Well, I think it might go a little something like this. Yeah, Jeff Gulloley.

Perfect. So good Perfect Now, Dave Yeah What's been going on with you, my friend? Oh, me turn Yeah Me enjoy

Me enjoy many thing Let's see Are you guys watching the Olympics? Oh, yeah Absolutely I've seen some of it Yeah Did you say absolutely? Absolutely Absolutely Um, let's see. Are you guys watching the Olympics? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I've seen some of it. Did you say absolutely?

Absolutely. Yeah, there hasn't been like a real exciting knee smashing. There's been nothing like that. I saw a figure skater dude land on his hip for this big abbot, I think his name is. He went up for a big Costello was like, don't do it. He got up from the

ice and went, he went for this big I think it was a triple axle. It was like the thing where you're doing a pirouette in the air. Yeah, that's every jump. Exactly. I get my axle from my... It's the lutz and an axle.

...from my salchow. Slope styles. Yeah. He went up for this big fancy move, and it did not go well. And he landed on his hip, and there was like a moment of like, ugh, like Kelsey Grammer.

I find... No, not good. And then he got up and he finished his routine. Kelsey Grammer? Kelsey Grammer finished his speech about wanting to be a UN ambassador when he was a child going through a small world. It was tag team skating

and you could only tag in Kelsey Grammer. That's right. He's been waiting there for weeks, and he's been so upset because the toilet seat is over the toilet cover. Oh, those Sochi toilets. That's been the real story, right?

Crazy Sochi toilets. I think so. That's all anyone's been talking about. Yeah, I think in like a year, we'll look back and be like, oh, why did we care? Yeah. Who cares? We didn't have to go to the bathroom. It's that Billy Joel song.

Yeah, we didn't have to go to the bathroom. What I love about all the stuff with the Olympics is that Russia has not changed. Seemingly has not changed from our idea of the Soviet era that Russia has not changed. It seemingly has not changed from our idea of the Soviet era of Russia. Things are still just broke. Toilet goes to you still. I got a big laugh

on stage. Into microphones. That's where it counts. What's going on with you, Dave? Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Yeah, that's where it counts. So what's going on with you, Dave? I watched the Olympics. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Oh, romantic. And I saw really what I thought was going to be a very romantic moment.

Or it could have turned into one. There was a woman. I was walking down the sidewalk downtown. There was a woman with some trash in her hand. Oh, where that happens, romance can't be far behind. Go on. And she had, she

spotted a garbage can and it was on the other side of the sidewalk and she had to kind of move through, like three or four people, struggle to get to the garbage can. What? What? What?

Was the garbage can in motion? Why was it such a struggle? Because we're living in a city, Paul. It's hustle. It's bustle. Point taken. Point taken. Holy cow. Yeah.

Everyone's out there trying to get their nut. No? Gross. Gross. I hate that expression. So this lady's out there. Garbage lady. Yeah.

She's got some trash, some refuse. Rubbish! She's found the rubbish bin. So she's maneuvering herself through all these people and the moment she gets to the garbage can, a man is there and he is spitting a giant loogie into the garbage

can. Oh! And that's when their eyes met. Was there a rainbow in his spit? Paul. You were the guy who hated getting a nut earlier. I read this room wrong. I really thought that was going to be show ender. It just seemed like it would be the greatest, like, oh, how did you guys meet? I really thought that was going to be show-ending.

It just seemed like it would be the greatest like, oh, how did you guys meet? Well, I was trying like hell to get my bag of garbage to that goddamn garbage can. How I met your garbage mother. We all have a garbage mother. Different than our regular mother. Yeah, have a garbage mother. Different than

our regular mother. Yeah, like a godmother. Who just comes around and sprinkles garbage everywhere. They're responsible for our garbage development. That's very sweet. That's about the sweetest thing that could happen on Valentine's Day. Yeah, exactly. But this was just on a city street.

Yeah, the city. Hustle bustle. But she's taking garbage from home? She had like a candy wrapper. I'm sorry, I didn't go into enough backstory. You made it sound like she had a sack of garbage. Nah, I said a piece. I said a piece of trash. I don't know that that's true.

I don't know either. I'm not great with setup. I thought that setup was just fine. Thank you. Just fine, Dan. And I think you look very nice. Thank you.

Did you guys have good Valentineses? No. I mean, you know. No. Yeah. It's bad. I ended up listening to

two Guns N' Roses albums in a row. On my bed. I was lying in bed. I was doing that thing that teenage girls do when they're talking on the phone with kicking their feet back and forth. That's what I was doing. Sometimes you need sometimes.

On your stomach, feet in the air. Yeah. Were you leafing through a magazine? Yeah, yeah. What magazine? Axl Rose. Axl Rose Decadely. Every ten years an issue comes out.

My new issue just showed up. Ooh, he got a new scarf. Yeah. Oh, he looks horrible now. Did I ever tell you... Speaking of teenage girls and Axl Rose, did I ever tell you about when my sister,

my brother was about to move away to college and my sister was super excited because she got to turn his room into a Guns N' Roses shrine. Oh, yes. How much of that shrine was dedicated to Duff? Very little. One corner. Was he the cutest one in Guns N' Roses? Oh, yes. How much of that tribe was dedicated to Duff? Very little. One corner.

Was he the cutest one in Guns N' Roses? Oh, boy. He had beautiful pillowy blonde hair. How many Guns N' Roses members can you name? Let me see. Axl Rose, of course. Yeah. Frontman.

Slash. Oh, no. It's Slush. The guitarist. I meant current Guns N' Roses member Oh, Buckethead Chicken foot Paella mouth

He plays guitar, he's got a mouth full of paella That's right Steam chin Just during the show, he just goes over and ladles another mouthful Noodles on the guitar Paella Wait, wait, wait over and ladles another mouthful of noodles on the guitar. Pai Am. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, gross. Is his mouth full of Pai Am? Yeah. And so who's ladling it?

Him. He goes over and there's a big stew pot. Oh, I thought he was ladling it out of his mouth into like feeding a baby bird. Have you seen... Use your illusion. I mean, that's what I was like. Which, did you listen to both of them? Yeah. In order? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that was Valentine's Day. How was your Valentine's Day? What if you'd listen to Use Your Illusion 2 first, and then listen to Use Your Illusion once? Sell popsicles if you want. Buy one. That's all Burning Man is.

They just listen to user illusion in the wrong order. Oh, you know what? I've been needlessly afraid of it all this time. How was your Valentine's Day? It was fine. We did not do anything. I had a show. My wife and I do not care about Valentine's Day to the point where I worry sometimes

that she secretly cares about it. Oh, right. But I think by now I would have known that I had failed that test. Because we've been together for a while. Yeah. So I think I would have gotten some sort of hint. But I do check with her every year. Like, you still don't care about this, right?

I got us matching the Fuck Valentine's Day shirts shirts So we're going to wear those Out in public When I was single though It did bum me out The idea of it Because it's just a reminder And it's everybody celebrating their love But it's not even so much

That I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day But just that it's a reminder That some people Have people in their lives And you don't so much that I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day, but just that it's a reminder that some people have people in their lives, and you don't. Here's the thing, in BC, it's on the same week as Family Day, so it's

a double, both ends of the week are coming at you. I forgot about Family Day. So it's, here's a thing you don't have, and then at the end of the week, boof. So you're talking about a person who's completely alone. Yeah. Yeah.

Like their family, they're either estranged from their family, or they're the sole surviving member of their family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who I'm talking about. Wolverine. You get it Abby and I On Valentine's Day We spent the evening

Abby your wife Yes My darling wife We spent the evening Watching that The David Blaine Up close magic special That we had been

Putting off for months For lovers only Yeah yeah yeah Let's save this For Valentine's special that we had been putting off for months for lovers. Oh yeah. Let's save this for Valentine. Yeah. Let's save the parts. We have to look away because he's putting a skewer through his skin and it's not fun. Yeah.

David Blaine put the fun back into magic and then quickly removed it. Where was it fun? What magic? Well, David Blaine, Matt. Yeah. When did it fun? What, magic? Well, David Blaine magic. Yeah, when did David Blaine put the fun back in it? I feel like the first time he came around. When he was dating supermodels? Yeah, that made us all hopeful, right? Yeah.

That our nerdy hobby could also... If I can't emote properly, maybe I can land Josie Moran. I don't know who that is. Oh, she was in the Backstreet's Back video? Oh. All right. Wow. is. Oh, she was in the Backstreet's Back video. Oh. All right. Wow.

Yum. What, uh... Howie almost bit her. He would. He would. Wait, is that the one where they're all monsters? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody rock your body?

Everybody's a cool monster except for that mummy. Yeah. Isn't one guy a mummy? Yeah, he's sexual. There's like a Jekyll and Hyde, right? Yeah, there's maybe a Jekyll. A Dracula. How many members of the Backstreet Boys video?

Monster Squad. Wow. Absolutely. They were a squad of monsters. What else would you call them? You had a vampire. You had a Jekyll and Hyde. Yeah.

You had a werewolf. Yeah. Yes. Did you a werewolf. Yeah. Yes. Did you say Dracula yet? I did say, well, I said vampire. I'd use the generic term. Okay. Not the brand name.

Well, you buy your vampires in bulk. Well, technically he was Dracula's monster. Well, you know how, it's like Kleenex. And now we say Dracula when we mean vampire. Not all vampires are Dracula. But all Draculas are vampires. That is exactly right. That's what family day is all about.

Remember everybody. Not all Dracula's are vampires. Me? What? No. Is that you, man? That was clearly not Ben Rodman. That was a Frankenstein Robson's name.

That was a Frankenstein. It was a Frankenstein. Yeah. Was there a Frankenstein? No, that's not. There's nothing. Yeah, there was a, you know, there was like. Was there a Phantom of the Opera?

Oh, there might have been. Yeah. Although he wears a lot of drat clothes. There's a lot of overlap. Yeah. There's a lot of overlap. Capes, puffy shirts. Oh, yeah, that's true.

Evening wear. Have a mask. Something you'd wear to a tuxedo match. A medallion. So a very nice Valentine's Day. Yeah, very nice. Did you watch the whole thing? Yeah. He does a thing, and actually I was just reminded of this because we were talking about uh

um you know uh just pouring uh paella out of your mouth yeah um he does a thing where he just uh he learns how to just spout water like fill his stomach with water like liters and liters of water and just spit it like at high pressure i could do that. If that's magic these days, I'm the best magician in Canada. I can drink water until it just falls out of my face. Look at this, everybody. Oh, it hurts. Oh, it hurts.

It's all slime water now. Nobody can have it. I feel like you guys are describing different scenarios and that Dave is describing a scenario where David Blaine has learned how to consume a large amount of water and then be able to like walk

around and say hey look at this not only that he can drink kerosene which floats above the water so he can set stuff on fire and then put it out oh but he didn't master i can't do that well no wait maybe he hadn't mastered it so they they were like this is my first time doing it but let's still include it in the special and robert de niro's here yeah robert de ni like, boo, your throat's on fire.

Oh, I've never done this before. That's my Robert De Niro. Did he make a Dracula noise at the beginning of the set? Boo! He can't pronounce Blaine, so he just says, blue shirt. Blue.

When David Blaine started, his thing was sort of like, who cares? I'm doing magic, so what? That was his thing. Here, check this out. Some cards, right? This one, I don't know, whatever.

Here it is. And then the people would freak out. They would lose their minds. Didn't he pull teeth out of a girl's head one time? She was like, I need those! She seemed too accepting of it as a magic trick i wouldn't let a dentist do this but yeah i think you should be alarmed if someone pulls teeth out of your mouth but if they just come up to you on the street it's sort of like uh catches you off guard you know why not yeah yeah yeah hey hold still hey hold still. YOLO. Hey, hold still.

These are your teeth. What do you think? Yeah. And then... Is this your tooth? But then he abandoned that for just doing stunts. Where it's like, I'm going to do a thing for a long time that's uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, basically. And you're going to watch it on Valentine's Day with your wife. Yeah, I did a thing for a long time that's uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, basically. And you're gonna watch it on Valentine's Day with your wife.

Yeah, I did a thing for a long time that was uncomfortable. Watch the special. Turn on the disco balls! Y'all never play the billboard. Two disco balls? They'll never have you. So what's going on with you, Graham? Graham!

Now, here's the thing. I want to preface this story. Yeah, I want to say that the baby was fine. The baby was all right. Because otherwise it's a very, very uncomfortable story. And I experienced it firsthand. It was very uncomfortable when it happened. Experience, not caused.

No, no, yeah. I was at a restaurant and it was very, super big. Yeah, well, sometimes I treat myself. Must be nice. Yeah, yeah. I was at a restaurant and by myself

it was super busy it's a very tiny restaurant and there was a family eating behind me, I was sitting at the counter and so the family was behind me and a lady ordered a whole bunch of things for the family was behind me, and a lady ordered a bunch, a whole bunch of things for the family,

and the waitress tried to bring them all on one trip. Lazy man's load never pays off, right? She tried to bring all of the food in one... Is that an actual expression? That's what my dad used to say. Lazy man's load. On your 20th birthday. Two things I want to tell you, son.

After you're done your murdering, don't try and move all the bodies at once. Lazy man's load. I don't believe in that. I think it's impressive. Yeah. It would have been impressive if she didn't drop all of the food on top of the baby. Right?

Mm-hmm. Here's the thing. Remember that the baby was fine. Baby's fine. All of the food... But nothing hit anybody else. No, all on top of the baby in the high chair. All of the food.

All this food and a giant funnel. Yeah. Wait a minute. Is that where we got that poster from? What? Yes, the baby with the spaghetti. Yes, we got it this week and then sent it via. Future Mitt Romney.

Absolutely. So all the food landed on the baby. And the thing about babies is they only sometimes know when to cry when everybody else freaks out. Yeah. So the baby was fine because babies love having food poured on them. They love it. They were going to do it anyway. Yeah, exactly.

Was this a, were you at a room temperature food restaurant? Yes. Yeah. Don't worry, everybody. It's crackers. We're up mild dose. Don't worry, everybody. It's crackers.

We were out mildos. So the baby wasn't crying, but everybody around the baby started freaking out. And the parents were like, remove the jumper the kid's wearing. And we were afraid that the kid's hands would have been burned.

So me and another guy both took our glasses of water and dipped the kid's hands in have been burned So me and another guy both Took our glasses of water and like Dipped the kids' hands in the water So it was a whole restaurant effort We all got in To try and help out this baby Graham, it takes a restaurant So

In the end the baby started crying And it was In the end the baby started crying And it was In the end The baby caught wise Why is everybody else so upset about this Wait a minute You're not just using my hands to flavor your water Yeah

Oh the softest Do you remember some of the foods that were dropped on the baby? Can you name all five foods? There was definitely a noodle dish, I know, and a green bean heavy dish. Was this a Chinese restaurant? This was a Chinese restaurant. Green bean heavy dish. Yeah.

Because there was a green bean sticking out of his jumper when they pulled the jumper off so the kid was fine they brought the kid to the bathroom and kind of calmed him down and then they brought the kid back and the kid was great but the parents for some reason brought the kid directly to me

because I asked is the kid okay and they're like oh he's fine and held the kid right in front of my face as evidence he's fine and and then the kid reached out and grabbed my beard with that death grip the kids do absolutely i couldn't be like no because he'd just been through a trauma you see i didn't want to start i don't want to ruin restaurants forever for him. So I pretended it didn't hurt, but it hurt. Did you move forward as the baby was... I had no choice.

The baby was not letting go. And then the mom did kind of a like, let go of the baby. Make me. So did they get new food? Yeah, they got new food. Oh, thank God new food also I was shocked the guy sitting next to me was so he just he looked he literally looked over his shoulder and did one of these

that was it that was his whole contribution to baby baby spill 2014 would you would you like would you still tip because then you sort of feel bad for the waitress who then has to go get you all new food. Oh, I felt super bad for the waitress because she doesn't want to ruin a baby's day. No, but I don't think you tip in that instance.

I think that everyone understands what just happened. Yeah. I think that, to me, like tipping to me, like the service would have to be actively aggressive in order for me to not tip. Where people would be like, I'm not going to bring you that.

You know what I mean? Like that would be a thing where like, oh, okay, well I'm not going to tip you. But in that instance, first of all, you don't stay in that restaurant.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That's true. You're like, let's try this again. I think you say, okay, this has been an unpleasant experience yeah all around we're gonna go someplace else you go about your day and we will forget that this ever happened as best we can but i'm not gonna stay here and order more food certainly not gonna

give you a tip as if this didn't just happen you dropped food on my baby just so you know, your baby's comped. I removed the... I took off all the food that hit the baby. All this piping hot food. And I gave you extra mints. Extra hard mints.

So yeah That's Baby Tales New segment New segment Let's Should we move on To a segment called Overheard

That's right Overheard everybody And we always like to start Overheard. That's right. Overheard, everybody. And we always like to start... Now, Graham, what is Overheard? Overheard is a segment in which... Now, Graham, shut up. Oh, no! I just got served.

It's time for my favorite segment on the show. Go ahead. A segment called... That's right. Yeah! Let me take out my gum. Let's do this. If you didn't hear the jingle, y'all,

it's Pop Rocks Minute. Yeah. Now, what that is... Dave, shut up. Whoa, brother. Oh! It's time for my favorite segment, Canbangers.

Wow. Canbangers? Handbangers Like the Harmony Corrine movie? Was that the thing? Was that it? That was it Did you hear the name of the segment? It's true

Now what happens in a Pop Rocks Minute Is, for one, we take a minute out of our day. In a Pop Rocks Minute, everything can change. We take a minute out of our busy schedules to consume Pop Rocks into microphones while I tell you some Pop Rocks news. Okay, all right. Now, I got a watermelon, a strawberry, and a tropical punch. Tropical punch. Tropical punch. I'll take watermelon.

All right. Thank you. Here we gross. This is going to be gross. Here we gross. Yeah. Now, do you do the whole bag? Whole bag. You know what? You do what you want whole bag? Whole bag.

You know what? You do what you want. It's your day. Hey, thanks, Dave. Whole bag. Whole bag. Whole bag. Now These are a lot drier than I remember

Well Now as you may know If you combine Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola In your stomach You die But scientists have recently If you combine Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola in your stomach, you die. Uh-huh. But scientists have recently discovered that if you combine Pop Rocks and peanut butter and smear it on a horse's gums, you can make it beatbox.

That's Pop Rock. Oh, man. I can feel it in my nose. It's traveled around my head. I feel it back here. Yeah? You may need to consult a doctor. You swallowed!

Whoa. But I did. All gone. All gone. Now, overheard. For the home listeners, someone yelled Overheards We'd like to start with the guest

I'm the guest, you are the guest Let's start with me This one is very brief This happened a while ago, my wife and I were at a frame store We were shopping for picture frames. Now who's ooh la la? Now who's it must be nice. It's me.

It's me. Both times. Guilty of both charges. And we saw this super waspy white lady, like a real Anne Romney type, talking to the guy behind the counter who was this super scary looking Latino guy, covered with tattoos.

He was like a big, beefy guy. He was the guy that was working at this frame store. The lady was saying, Well, I'm afraid that if I have that finish on it, there's going to be some glare. And then the guy said, of course there's going to be glare. There's always going to be glare. And that has been the thing that my wife and I say to each other

Whenever we hear the word glare Ever since then But he was so emphatic about it No, you guys Puppets He was so emphatic about it Like this lady did not understand framing In the slightest

Of course there's going to be glare This is how life works Like this lady did not understand framing In the slightest Yeah Of course there's going to be glare This is how life works Was his accent glare Or did he not know that glare No he heard her say it His accent was glare Of course there's going to be glare

There's always going to be glare So he was like an accent fellow I said he was like an accent fellow. I said he was a Latino fellow. Oh, I don't listen to the intros of stories. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Paul, you got a little pop rock here. I still feel them in my head. Yeah. Where are they? Where do they go? Where do they my head Where are they? Where do they go? Where do they go?

My overheard is thus I was in Kingsgate Mall Secret word everybody Why? Why are people clapping for that mall? Why does that happen? Because it's the local reference to beat all local references. Why, though?

Oh, it's their dirtiest mall. Is it really? Yeah. There's a store that just sells shoes that have crazy, like, the pretty woman, you know, would wear. Super shoes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a whole store of that. There's a store that sells just giant hip-hop shirts. There's a, what else is in there? Old, oh, a thing that used to be an Orange Julius. Is that still there? Yeah. That still sells the hot dogs, but not the juice?

What is it called? Somebody yelled it out. Hot Dog Place. It's just called Hot Dog Place Yeah For a while It was called Orange Orange

Yeah Remember? Remember Hot Dog Hot Dog Place Bummed me out Hot Dog Place Orange Orange

Isn't making me happy either It's a very popular soap opera in the 70s hot dog place it was a nighttime soap opera weekly

so I was in Kingsgate Mall at one of the you're not wrong you're not wrong I was at KGM. I was going to say KGR. That's wrong.

Yeah, I was at KGM. And I was in one of the lesser stores. Oh, not the great ones previously mentioned? And I was like, oh, I don't have any cash. I was buying something. I was like, I don't have any cash. I was buying something. I was like, I don't have cash. I'm going to have to use my debit card. It really seems like this is the kind of place

where they're going to steal your debit information. And so I bought the thing, and I put my card in, and it was like The slowest machine ever And the guy I'm standing there It's just me and the shopkeep And I'm just begging him

Not to make small talk with me While I wait and I watch As this debit machine says Dialing Dialing And then receiving And like 15 seconds later Processing Dialing. Ah, no. Dialing. And then receiving. And like 15 seconds later, processing.

And then the guy, the shopkeep, says to me, Shh. It's incredible how these things work. It goes from your account to my account. It's amazing. What? Wow. Yeah.

No, that's not how it works at all. That's not how it's supposed to work. Also, you're not supposed to tell me that that's how it works. You're bad at crime. I think he just meant the transaction, but it did not put me at ease. No, no, no. And also, this technology's been around forever, and yours is the worst, slowest kind. He's like, but it's still amazing. Am I right?

It is amazing. You're right. I don't know how it works. I don't know how electricity works. You used to, like, sometimes... I don't... Do you? Ooh, you turned it around on the ground.

Yeah, exactly. They're all laughing at you, but they don't know either. Yeah. It was a while before they let you do the swipe yourself, or even the... Like, they used to swipe it for you. They would put a bag around it. And you would hear a modem

dialing. There was an awkward period where you had to ask, do I do it or do you do it? Do I give it to you? Or whatever. Swipe it back there or swipe it here? Swipe it back there. This is like a novelty song

that you've just composed. The moment it changed from sometimes we do it to you always do it, I was made to feel dumb. Yeah. It was like, oh yeah, you've always done it.

Yeah. Idiot. It was The Shining. Graham. Yeah. How you doing? You got it overheard bro? I sure do buddy I was in another restaurant

No it's not for applause I'm just telling you that I'm doing great I was in a restaurant in Victoria BC Sure There was A gentleman in Victoria, B.C. Sure. Please stop. And there was a gentleman who had already ordered.

So he'd already ordered his thing and then the waitress was walking away and he called her back specifically to ask this. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. How would you rate your ham?

Five stars. Five star ham. How would you rate your ham? The waitress. Yeah. Oh, good. Pink. Yeah.

Grade A. That's a thing that's always, and I've done it too, been in a restaurant where you're like, hey, between these two things which would you recommend and like sometimes the waiter will say well people seem to like sure this one which that makes sense but when they act as if they have personal experience with all of the food like when you stop and think about it like what no that's not how it works you

can't just eat every single thing that's on the menu. Also, the person's ranking of ham, they could have been like, I give it a three and the person's like, but what's that out of, though? I don't know what your ham rating is. I also have a religious thing where I can't eat ham. That's pretty high, a three. It's a three. What's that out of? I don't want to say.

Look, you asked me for my ham rating. You didn't ask me the whole story. Two out of? I don't want to say. Look, you asked me for my ham rating. You didn't ask me the whole story. Two out of two. It's pretty great ham. My ham rating or my ham ratio? There's one ham for every customer. It's ham radio.

I didn't want you to embarrass yourself in front of everyone. I am embarrassed. During these live podcasts, instead of going all the way to the internet to find people who have overheards... What a trudge. No thanks.

We turn it over to the live audience. If anybody here has an overheard that they want to share, you're the fifth member of the Beatles. That microphone is not just symbolic. It is plugged in. So anybody who... What if it was symbolic? Well...

That represents all the fallen podcasters. It's like for the unknown soldier. You're the other guest Get in What? Oh, I think we have someone here Come on up Absolutely

First person Hello Hi there How's it going? How's it going? Good I haven't overheard that involves one Mr. Paul F. Tompkins What?

I'm one Now before we go there Introduce yourself My name is Chris. Welcome. Hi, Chris. Chris, everybody. Fun.

I had... Big Chris crowd. I know. Hometown advantage. Sure. I had the pleasure of seeing Paul F. Tompkins in London, England

this summer. Is that so? At the Soho Theater. And while we were all waiting afterwards in the bar, I was going to fangirl all over you about radio shows and podcasts. I am radio, sure.

I am radio. And so I overheard you talking to a very lovely young lady, and she said in the most, like she had found her soulmate, oh my God, I also say that things are so Raven. She was so happy. It was awesome. Yeah. Chris, everybody.

You had the... Right? I worry that that implies that I say things are so Raven. Which I don't. That was after my time that's so Raven. But you wish her the best. Of course I do. Yeah.

Of course I do. I hope that young lady is still enjoying to this day saying things are so Raven. I also say that. Dave. Do we have another Do we have another Somebody else Oh my god They're coming from all corners

It's like the zombie Alright This lady Then that dude And then that dude Yeah Hi Hey

What's your name I'm Stephanie Hi Stephanie Stephanie everybody Stephanie So I've actually had this overheard For a really long time And I keep wanting to What's your name? I'm Stephanie. Hi, Stephanie. Stephanie, everybody. Stephanie. So I've actually had this overheard for a really long time, and I keep wanting to write it in, but I think that it's more poignant in person.

Here we go. So I was walking through a parking lot, and there was sort of like an open mall sort of plaza, and there was a pet store. And I was walking behind these two girls who, I guess, one of them worked at the pet store. She had like the name tag of the pet store she had like the the name tag of the pet store and she was on her break and she was coming back and she's walking with her friend and they're talking about their boss I guess had let them hang up a bird cage and they could have live birds at this pet store and she was really excited about it and she said it's really great and my boss is like yeah as long as we you know clean up after the birds we can have

them out of the cage and because I, like, really like birds. And, which was whatever, but she stops in the middle of the crosswalk, and she stops her friend like this. And she looks at her friend and she goes, like, I really like birds.

And I just didn't know what it meant. I had no idea what it meant. She really likes birds. But she stops so abruptly, almost, like, bashed into the back of them because she,. I had no idea what it meant. She really likes birds. She stopped so abruptly, almost bashed into the back of them because she had to tell her friend this. Anyway. Bizarre. 70, everybody!

Yes, indeed. I told you you'd get grabbed at. Yeah. Hello. Hey there. I'm Hello. Hey there. I'm Colin. Hey Colin. Even pre-intro.

Big round of applause. Colin everybody. He's got a good look I guess. So I'm leaving the gym sort of tired, sort of worn down, you know, like you are when you leave the gym. Walking behind this group of burly dudes all wearing football jerseys, sort of swaggering down the hallway. And then out of nowhere, I hear one of them go, oh man, I fucking love lemongrass so much.

And that's it. And then he grabbed his friend's arm. No, I really Love lemongrass Call it, everybody! Lemongrass Lemongrass You know Lemongrass

Would you know lemongrass To taste it? Nope I've had it in food It sounds unpleasant It sounds fresh You say it sounds unpleasant. You say that it sounds fresh.

Let's let the audience know. Where everybody at? On a scale of fresh to unpleasant, how would you rate lemongrass? Speaking of questions to the audience, how many people here are doing their thing? Not as many as I thought. No.

But the ones that are there Just do what they think Are you next there sir? That's me Come on sir Join us That's me I'm next

Hey Do all of our fans look the same? Hey Is it just... There it is. He put on the hat backwards. Now not. Now he looks like Samuel L. Jackson.

Yeah, exactly. Hi. Hi. What's your name? My name is Ryan Bryce from Victoria. Ryan Bryce from Victoria, everybody. Yeah, sure. My overheard is actually like an over interaction from

about five years ago. I've been saving it since before the podcast. Okay, here we go. Why were you saving it? It's like when a girl plans her wedding day, she doesn't know who she's going to marry. She just knows

she wants to have. Were you waiting for your son's 20th birthday? Just so many things to pass on. So I was in Berlin on a very somber

war memorial walking tour. And we arrive in this plaza. It's a very large plaza, and in the very middle of the plaza, there's a glass square in the middle. And you look down, and there's all these empty bookshelves, because it's

where a book burning took place. And we're standing there, and everyone's quietly you know, oh, that must be terrible. And this American tourist, she looks down at these empty bookshelves. Where are the books? Ha ha ha!

Yeah. Oh, golly. Oh, golly! That's Petraeus. Thank you, Ryan. Fantastic. How do we know that you... When you go into a giant square

and there's a cube, like a glass cube... Wait a minute, what? Like he was describing. Oh, okay, yes. Just a second ago. I know, but the way that he phrased it made it sound like a thing from Saw or something. When you go into a square, there's a giant cube.

You only have a minute to solve it. Do you expect to see David Blaine inside it? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Hanging upside down or, you know, fighting a boar. I'm going to fight a boar inside of a cube for seven days. No other magician would ever do this. This is crazy. Do we have mores?

Yeah. There's a guy right there. And there's a guy right there. What about those two? They're coming from all sides. That's the same guy. He just took off his hat. Yeah.

He removed his hat. It's just a trick. I mean, I look like them all, too. Yeah. Like attracts like. What's your name? I'm Blake O from Nanaimo. Blake O.

Thank you. Everybody. My favorite detergent, Blake O. Sure, yeah. Very white. Two degrees of anonymity. Blake O from Nanaimo, hit us with your overheard. I was in a rec center change room, and a young, really skinny teenager walked in.

And I'm there, and there's not really anyone else to interact with. He just walks in. There's a place to weigh yourself. He gets on the weight scale and goes, All right, yeah. And then turns around and jumps off. That's what I'm talking about! Saunters right back out, and that was it.

It was really wonderful. Thank you very much. Ideal weight achieved. Yeah. Let go, everybody. Do you think he was trying to put weight on? I don't know. And mission accomplished.

Yeah. He did what he set out to do. That's all. Yeah. I support weight achievement. Oh, brother. You always have, Dave. I hate sentences.

Dave, you've always supported, Dave. I hate sentences. Dave, you've always supported weight achievement. I hate sentences. This gentleman right here. And then I think we have a lady. And then, that's it. Then we'll call it a draw. Here we go. Well, look, it's so orange.

Yeah. Just wanted to add some variety. Thank you. I'm Josh. Hey, to add some variety. Thank you. I'm Josh. Hey, Josh! From Vancouver. Josh, everybody! I was on Commercial Drive. Woo!

Yeah, this is pretty recent. Little slice of life. And there's two people. I didn't realize that slice of life was a time-dependent phrase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On commercial. No, that's fallen into history. That was too long ago.

It's no longer a slice of life. Only recent stuff. Oh, and there's these two people. And one of them is a tourist. And the guy's like, oh man, what are the cool clubs? And we can go out for breakfast and we can do all these things. And the one guy turns to me and goes, I don't know what's going on. I don't stay out late and I don't get up early.

You run with the wrong crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. What an effective shutdown. I don't do

things on either end of the spectrum that you like to do. It's intimidating. It's a great responsibility when someone comes from out of town and they want to know what stuff is. Especially when they want to know what garbage stuff is.

Hey, where are the worst places that awful people like me can go? Yeah, breakfast. After the cool clubs, Dave? Come on. Yeah. Smelly breakfast. Alright. No, because you're at the club all night, right? Then you're going to have a smelly breakfast.

No? No? Grandma, I'm with you. I don't know why... Is smelly breakfast a thing like your dad's? Everyone knows it, Dave. Yeah, it's a lunchman's load. It's a lunchman's load. Not all of them were meal related.

Don't take a lunchman's load. Because a lunchman, all he wants to do is have lunch. That's all he cares about. You'll never get the lunch because the lunchman will eat it. Yeah. Beware the lunchman. Never order lunch from a lunchman. We have one more young lady here with a beautiful orange toque.

She's wearing a toque. She's wearing a toque. She's wearing a toque. Hi there. Hi. Hi. My name is Destin. Destiny without a Y. Destiny without a Y. Do you say that every time? Every single time.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. Yep, exactly. Wouldn't it be easier to just change it to like Dustin? I've thought about it. I've thought about it. I thought she said Dunstan. oh yeah dunstan exactly uh so this comes from a few years ago when i was living in kits and i got woken up by a ruckus kits lano in vancouver all right and i got woken up by a bit of a ruckus outside of my window and so i looked out into the alley and i could see two girls

fighting one was dressed in t-shirt and jeans and one was dressed in club wear and it was also a side of my window and so I looked out into the alley and I could see two girls fighting. One was dressed in t-shirt and jeans and one was dressed in club wear and it was also a Tuesday night and I couldn't really hear all of what was going on and then the culmination of the fight was the girl in the club wear said to the girl in the jeans, well just be a classy lady and come in the alley and fight me! Show a little class! Yeah, do the honorable thing. Destin everybody! Thanks Destin! lady and come in the alley and fight me. Show a little class. Do the honorable thing.

Destin, everybody. Now, that basically brings us to the end of the show, right, Dave? I think we have one more thing. We do? What do we have? This whole thing. What are you made of? Can you see with both your eyes?

Look in the distance. It's easy if you try. Watch all the movies. And don't waste your time. Just give it a line. One line. Graham's dad. That gentleman who just stood up, that's my father.

Both of my parents are here tonight. What? Get on up here. He's highly irregular. Yes. Highly irregular is right. If you've never heard the podcast before, why are you here?

Seriously. What? Pretty good. Thank you. Yes. My dad has a system of rating films, and he is very brief about his ratings and they either land on pretty good or give it a miss and at the live podcast we like to see if I can predict what he his reviews are gonna be so you guys are gonna yeah why don't you

you need to get out of here so you like we're gonna hear his reviews yeah I have So, you guys are going to... Yeah, why don't you... You need to get out of here. We're going to hear his reviews. I have an iPod and earphones I'm going to put on so that I don't hear anything. I'm going to go offstage. Actually, why don't you go head out to Kingsgate Mall. Yeah, okay, yeah, fair enough.

Here's five bucks. Get me to work. Okay, let's see what I can get. Let's see what I can get For five bucks At Kingsgate Mall At this time of night Probably something good I'll see you guys Somebody come and get me

I guess Yeah Because I won't hear anything I'll bet somebody will Yeah someone Will Alright I'll see you guys shortly

Alright Graham everybody Graham, everybody. Now, John, is it? It's John, yes. Welcome. Thank you for, you know, coming and joining us. Oh, man, I'm not good without Graham. I'm not good without Graham. Now, since Valentine's Day was yesterday, I decided that the movies that you are going to be giving reviews to... Preposition.

I don't know that you give reviews to movies. All right. They will be romantic movies from the romance era. And romantic comedy genres. Okay, so I'm ready for the format to hear the movie thing. I'm ready for the format?

What happened to you? Is there a gas leak in here? If it smells like rotten eggs, go outside. So, I have prepared a list of movies for you to review at. And please give us your first review for Sleepless in Seattle. All right. First one is Sleepless in Seattle, which is pretty much when Harry met Sally, but without the Meg Ryan climax scenes. Give it a miss.

Give it a miss. Give it a miss. Give it a miss. Give it a miss. Although it does have a climax with Meg Ryan. On top of the entire state building. Spoiler alert. The next in our movie thing

Jesus Christ these people paid money to be here the next movie mentioned earlier when Graham was referring to the shoes available at Kingsgate Mall Pretty Woman is My Fair Lady when Graham was referring to the shoes available at Kingsgate Mall. Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman is my fair lady with more sex and less singing.

The high point was Roy Orbison singing Pretty Woman. Give it a miss. Give it a miss? Give it a miss? Wow. Give it a miss. Give it a miss? Wow. The next film on our list of things is... So now I'm just faking it.

I can do this. Sure. What's this? Jackie Rogers Jr. posture you're adopting. I loved him. The best. The next one is... Annie Hall.

Annie Hall is an anti-romantic comedy. It's two neurotic people trading anxieties. Woody Allen speaks to the audience a lot in the movie. And he hauls Marshall McLuhan out to solve a street argument. No plot, but pretty funny. So, pretty good. Pretty good. May I say, that review was a roller coaster. I did not expect to arrive at pretty good at the end.

Marshall McLuhan's Canadian, right? Yeah. From Toronto. We like him. How dare you. That's the worst thing Woody Allen has ever done. Well, I mean, that has been proven. The next one, Titanic.

Titanic. Yeah. The ship takes a long time to go down. And after it does, the Rose character, she won't let her boyfriend up on the piece of wreckage. So, give it a miss. Give it a miss.

All right. The next one on our list is Jerry Maguire. This is from AFI's list of the greatest romantic comedies ever. Number one. That last part's not true. But it is on the list. Well, Jerry Maguire, it's another one of those rom-coms where a richer guy takes on a poor woman, but this one has a football theme.

And there are some pretty memorable lines from it. For the guys, it's, show me the money. For the women, it's show me the money. For the women, it's you had me at hello. And this happens to be Graham's mom's favorite movie. So, pretty good.

Oh, yeah. And finally, I thought you said that was the last one. I swear to God, I thought you said that was the last one. That was the last one before the last one. No, it's the... Thank you. Finally. I just said it was number one on AFI's list.

Oh, I see. But it's not. Here's the final. The Princess Bride. The Princess Bride is a really convoluted fairy tale where Princess Buttercup almost gets married about six times to the evil prince, and Andre the Giant plays the giant. Has great left-handed sword fight scenes.

And the best scene is the poison cup switcheroo. Pretty good. Pretty good. No argument in this room. Now, if anyone saw Graham leave, please fetch him. Oh, that's not him.

Should I go get him? Oh, there he is. Somebody did it? Somebody took care of him? Here he comes. Hi, Graham. Oh, here's Graham. Hey, I ran over

to Kate's Game Ball. Yeah? Picked up. I was lucky enough. There was one store still open at Kingsgate Mall. It was the shirt store. So I picked you and Paul up a shirt. Oh, giant shirt. Giant shirt.

Yeah, so this one. Let me hold things. Yeah. Yeah. So can you read that sentence? Not all that. Okay. Wait.

What? Not all that big things gets wild. Apostrophes on things and gets. Not all that big things gets wild? I don't know how to read that. It's a riddle. Yeah. It's a riddle. Not all that big things gets wild? I don't know how to read that. It's a riddle. Yeah. It's a riddle.

And the picture is a buxom young lady. Yeah. With a giant grizzly bear on a chain. Yeah. Yeah, there's, you know, sexy. Yeah, yeah. It's very sexy. So that's for you, Dave. Oh, thank you. sexy So that's for you Dave

And for Paul I got this number I can't wait This says El Gran Pastor Oh sure And it's our Lord Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

And of course he is our shepherd And that's why he's holding the crooked staff. And it's got some nice gold lettering on the front. Because this will be great when I ride my bike. There you go. Safety first. Thank you. You look good. This looks really good.

Thank you. Say it like it's an expression. I can't read it. Hey, not all that big things gets wild. Exactly. Don't murder my bear. There you go.

That's handsome. Yeah. It's very handsome. Yeah. Fits you like a glove. There we go. So, did you guys have fun? Yeah.

We had a lot of fun. I fell to pieces without you. Aw. It was a real thing of metaphor. Yeah. But what we done did do

Go ahead. is your father reviewed some movies, romantic movies, in celebration of Family Day. Oh, okay, yes. Yeah. Let's see if you can match them.

Okay, here we go. The first movie is Sleepless in Seattle. Oh, uh... Is it the guy from Big or does he know Tom Hanks? Yeah, the guy from Big? No. Don't listen to them.

I have a feeling your dad did some research on actors. Oh, did he? So Tom Hanks. No. The guy from Big. No. The guy from Bink. No. The guy from Castaway. No.

He didn't mention him. Oh, really? Is it a movie that your mother made me watch? Is it one of those? I feel like there was one of those on the list, right? Your mom made me watch this one? Meg Ryan. Does he know Meg Ryan?

Yeah. Meg Ryan Does he know Meg Ryan? Yeah Meg Ryan Meets a guy at the Empire State Building Is that from the right movie? Did I make that up? Yeah, yeah, yeah

In Seattle The Empire State Building's not in Seattle Hold on a second Hold on a second I think To do this Efficiently Yeah

You have to just guess what he said Okay, you're right You can't check every single detail as you go. Good call. Good call. Paul M. Tompkins, everybody. Arbiter. I feel like we were headed down a bad road. So, okay. So, Meg Ryan

meets somebody, Empire State Building. Give it a miss. That's what I'm saying. Would you care to refresh us? Hi, that was close enough. All right. I'll take it as a win. You got the miss.

It was basically when Harry met Sally without the Meg Ryan climax. Oh, okay. Yes, fair enough. Wow, that was well-researched indeed. Yeah, yeah, right? All right. The next one

is pretty woman. Some hooker? To start with that? No, I know I'm not supposed to check every minute. Some hooker gets picked up by a handsome guy from an officer and a gentleman

and they have an affair. Pretty good, is what I'll say. No? Give it a miss? You're way off. Tell me. Horny My Fair Lady. My Fair Lady with less singing. Less singing.

Less singing. Well, they do have a few. There's like you know, there's Roy Orbison. There was the best part. The horse at the horse track. What else do they sing? I'll get over you. I know I will.

What? Song in the bathtub? And my ship's not. Oh, Prince. You sing Prince in the bathtub. So it's a musical. Yeah. But he said give it away.

I'm a little surprised. Okay. All right. The next one. Why? It's a musical. Yeah. But he said give it a miss. I'm a little surprised. Okay. Give it a miss. The next one. Why? It's a terrible movie. Implausible. Like she doesn't even have a pimp.

Anyways, come on. What? Fantasy. My only problem with the film. The next one is Annie Hall. Oh, Annie Hall. Well, that for sure is pretty good. Because he's a fan of Woody Allen.

Woody Allen and Diane Keaton. I'm gambling that he knows Diane Keaton's name. And... Did he say Michael Keaton? Woody Allen and Diane Keaton. Fall in love. I'm going to say, in New York, it's pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah! Give it to the boy. I think he calls her Annie Hall. Oh, okay. Woody Allen and Annie Hall. They trade neuroses. Two neurotic people trade anxieties. They bring out

Marshall McLuhan. He talks to the camera a lot. They haul him out. They haul out Marshall McLuhan. And yet, pretty good. The next is Titanic. 1997 feature film. Yeah. The next is Titanic. Oh. 1997 feature film.

Yeah, Titanic. Best picture winner. Yeah. King of the world and such. I'm going to say this is the one that your mom made me rent this. This movie didn't become the highest grossing movie by renting it. They didn't get to see it in the theater, I don't think. The theater?

You were fully grown. I saw it in the theater. Leonardo DiCaprio falls in love with a lady and the ship sinks and give it a miss. I'm going to say give it a miss.

Did he say pretty good? Give it a miss? Give it a miss. All'm going to say give it a miss. Did he say pretty good? Give it a miss? Give it a miss. All right. What was the review? The boat takes forever to sink and then she doesn't let him on. Oh, yeah.

Oh, so selfish. The next one is Jerry Maguire. Oh, Jerry Maguire. Somebody asked Tom Cruise to show him the money and it's pretty good. That's what I'm going to say. Ooh, Jerry Maguire. Somebody asked Tom Cruise to show him the money. It's pretty good. That's what I'm going to say.

You got that line. That's for the men. Women like the... Oh, shut up your face. I knew what you said. Shut up your face. When you said hi, I was yours. Kill them all. Throw them out.

When you said hi, I was in. Kill them all. Sort them out. When you said hi, I was in. Jerry Maguire, you magnificent bastard. I love you. If there's grass on the field, play ball. It's your mother's favorite movie, so pretty good. Sweet. That's what Valentine's Day is all about.

Did you know that was your mother's favorite movie? I always thought it was Legends of the Fall. But is it really? Jerry Maguire, Mom? I thought I knew you. Is that weirder than Legends of the Fall? Legends of the Fall had Brad Pitt with long hair. Absolutely.

Right? My mom clapped. Anthony Hopkins with short hair. Yes. Yeah, that's right. The proper order of the universe, right? When Brad Pitt has short hair and Anthony Hopkins has long hair. Who was the lady in that movie?

Who was the lady in that movie, Mom? Julia Ormond. Paul? Yeesh. She's right over there. So offended. Julie Ormond in the corner like,

why did I even come? I prayed they would mention me on their podcast, but not like this. They mistook me for Julianna Margulies. Your final film Here we go.

is The Princess Bride Oh, Graham Young Graham watched this movie over and over and over again. Is there something to mention to that? Because I did. Oh, so romantic Andre the Giant says, does anybody want a peanut? Is that part of the review? Pretty good, is what I'm

going to say. I don't know what else he would have said. He says a bunch of stuff. He calls Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant, and pretty good. Yay! Alright! I did pretty good! Pretty good! I did pretty good. No, you did not.

I got some of them. I got a couple. What are we trying to do here exactly I'm trying to have fun That's all I've got Yay Thank you very much To my dad Everybody John Clark

That brings us to the end of the show. Paul, do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah, you want to plug anything? Listen, Friday's at 9.30. No, you shut up on Fusion. Maybe you'd know someone who has it if they have a weird cable package. Do you have a friend who has Google Fiber?

Then why don't you make a night of it and go over over their house? Oh, and also, the Dead Authors Podcast, which is a podcast that I do. So great. We have new episodes

coming out very soon. And is there any chance of the Pot F Tom? The Pot F Tomast will return this year. Yes! You heard it here. First. First. I assume. Exclusive. Absolutely.

Well, thank you everybody for coming down to the show. Wait. What? Don't you guys have anything to plug? Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. I do a comedy show every Monday at Havana If you guys want to laugh

Ring-a-ding-dong dandy Oh, ring-a-ding-dong dandy on February 25th If you want to see me and some cohorts Make fun of wrestling clips That's your one-stop shop I hope there's a ham match Yeah, there might be Oh, I might bring a ham down

Just let a ham match develop I might bring a ham down. Just let a ham match develop. I'd bring a ham. You show up. Oh. Oh. A ham. I'd fight a guy for that. Hey, you guys want to have a projector match?

Did everybody here have a fun time? Yep. Fantastic. Thank you all so much for coming Paula Tompkins everybody Dave Schumke everybody this idiot Graham Clark

thank you for coming everybody have a safe trip home have a good night Thank you.