Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 108 - Allyson Smith

Episode Date: April 5, 2010

Comedian Allyson Smith joins us for some The View-style hot topics including free speech and helping the janitor.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 108 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who killed a bar when he was only three. You've already done that one, I think. No, when he was only eight.

Okay, yeah. See how I changed it? Thanks. Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh, hi. I'm Dave. I once killed a bar. Twice, actually. Three and eight. Yeah, and then out. Yeah.

You kind of, like that it's kind of like heroin you do it the first time it's great the second time it's all about chasing that first time that first bear yeah uh and then i'm out okay i do realize as soon as i was saying it that i used that before but i was listening to the fantastic mr. Fox soundtrack this morning. Oh, okay. Is Davy Crockett on it? It's the first song on there, yeah. Oh. It's delightful. And joining us here today is a guest that I've wanted to have on the show for quite

a long time. And I've been against it. Yeah. We have fought about this more than anything. But a comic that at one point in time resided in Vancouver, now resides in Toronto and travels all over the country. A real road, like you're a real road warrior comic. Oh, that makes me sad. No, but not in...

Ament is a compliment. I know, I know. Miss Allison Smith is our guest. Hello! Should we get to know us? Sure. There we go. Get to know us? Sure There we go Get to know us So Allison

What's up? Yeah, what's going on with you? Hey, what's up? I called you a road warrior And automatically you did not like that Well, because Because we don't need another hero We don't need another hero, exactly

Well, because Only because Alright You get that label of being a road warrior And people just assume that We don't need another hero. Exactly. Well, because, only because. All right. You get that label of being a road warrior and people just assume that, you know, you just do shows in small towns. Honestly, I would say I am more of a corporate comedian. Okay. Okay.

I would say, yes, I travel a lot. I guess. Okay. So, yeah, I'm a traveler. I travel less now that I live in the big smoke. Now that I'm in the TO. I basically stick in that kind of area. But yes, Road Warrior,

because I started in Alberta, and Alberta is a lot of tour work, right? And maybe I meant it as a compliment, because you can hold your own in a predominantly male-based industry. Because I didn't call it, there's a difference, I think, between a Road Warrior and a Road Dog.

Yes, yes. And you're no dog. So a warrior princess? That's what I should have said. I like that. Like Xena. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm like Xena. So you moved from Vancouver to Toronto. Yeah. How much do you love it and why? Well, let's go back.

I moved from Calgary to Vancouver to Toronto yeah to toronto so i've moved across the country i i only like to specify that because i feel that um this country is very divided in our knowledge of comedians in different areas for example you know uh there are people in vancouver uh who people in toronto have no idea who they are vice versa people in toronto that vancouver which is so weird to me because we're such a small country that it blows my mind that comedians... And yet so vast. So vast. That's true. That

people don't know each other. So I always like to, you know, I had the benefit of knowing comics from all across Canada. Do you consider yourself like a steward of comedy? That you're trying to introduce one coast to the other coast? Maybe.

That we can all agree on Alison Smith? Like an usher. Kind of. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. Yeah, yeah. It was exciting for me to come back to Vancouver to see everyone that I knew from Vancouver. And it was exciting to move to Toronto and get to know the comedians. It's just fun to see all the different scenes.

Now I've played in Montreal, so I've seen Montreal and gone out east. Yeah, like the East Coast, like Halifax and all that. It's very, very interesting. And it's really interesting within one country to see how different people are, all the comedians are across the country. Where are they the jerkiest? Come on. Okay.

Okay. You want to know? they the jerkiest come on where okay uh okay you want to know in alberta i find uh comedians are the least competitive because they're all making money way before maybe they even should be oil money yeah gold yeah you bet you bet um uh vancouver uh there is less money and so it's more about writing and being creative so i find there is a real sense of community. And it's also the beers that were just spilled that helped bring comics together. And in Toronto, I have to say,

it's a bit more competitive. Yeah, sure. I would say. And I don't think that's a bad thing. But I think people go to Toronto with a goal or a purpose. They want to get something, be noticed, showcase, whereas Vancouver is developing and writing,

and Alberta is making money. Yeah. We got to get, where's the best of all worlds? Winnipeg? Is that where all of it intersects? That's an untapped territory. Well, I know the best of both worlds is Hannah Montana. Well, she enjoys the best of both worlds.

Agreed. Does she live in a suite with Zach and Cody? She lived down the hall. Is that right? So you're just in Vancouver and then out, right? Then back to Toronto? Back to Toronto. Yeah.

Actually in Ottawa next weekend, so that'll be exciting. Nice. Our nation's capital. Get those plugs out of the way. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if you want to see Allison's... Is it next weekend? Yeah.

You'll be in Ottawa. Yeah. But there's two clubs in Ottawa. I will be at both. Oh, okay. There's the Parliament Club and the Senate Club. Sure. We divided the club into two houses. Oh, okay. There's the Parliament Club and the Senate Club. Sure. We divided the club into two houses.

That is hilarious. Separate but equal. There's one... What are the two clubs? There's one called the Prescott. The Prescott, which is... I don't know. Ascot required.

Yeah, I don't even know where it is. Prescott. And then there's the one on Elgin Street, which is the downtown. Might be Elgin. Is it? Is it Elgin or Elgin? Might be. It might be.

Who knows? I don't really know. Right in. Yeah. And you've been doing comedy quite a few years. Yeah. And you started as a teacher. Yes.

Which is not an unusual curve. No, there's a few of them. Usually, in my understanding through media, is it goes, there's a lot of teachers turned comedians and a lot of ex-Navy SEALs turned teachers that then go teach in the hood. Yeah. That's exactly how it goes.

What is that? Dangerous Minds. And The Substitute. The Substitute, I remember. The Substitute! Hardly anyone remembers that movie. Five on you. it goes yeah what is that uh uh dangerous mind and the substitute the substitute hardly anyone remembers that movie five on you or or is it to sir with love is another one was he a military guy he was a former military person i turned comedian um in the substitute my favorite line was uh when i forget who played the principal. Tom Barringer was a substitute. He was a substitute, yeah.

And I think it was Ernie Hudson, the black Ghostbuster, who was the principal. Winston. Yeah. The black Ghostbuster. No names. And he had to fire Tom Barringer. And he said, you don't teach history anymore.

You are history. But then he could have come back with, who better to teach history than somebody who is history? Awesome. You proved my point. So you taught and then enough of the kids. Let's go. Yeah. Well, I kind of knew.

I became a teacher. Honestly, I was always a drama geek i wanted to be a famous actress right that's what i wanted um and so that's kind of what brought me into comedy because i thought oh what better venue to market yourself than just being on stage by yourself so i literally just became a teacher because one extra year in university i just went to be a theater major but then my parents were like what else are you gonna do with that so one extra year you could be an educator so i became a teacher so i literally began started teaching knowing that i was not going to do that that's why the kids like me so much because they'd be like you're

so cool i was like yeah because i don't want to be here either you show up hungover basically on a hot on a chopper you're um rings, you're right out the door. Yeah. Ms. Smith. Bum and smokes off the kids. I started comedy and teaching on the exact same day. It was 2000, September 2nd. And I did my-

In Canada, we do the year before. I know. I'm trying to be American. No, not even. But yeah, I started the same day and yeah, so I went and taught and I was so angry at myself for going to the fallback plan that I decided I was going to do something else. So then I went that night to the amateur night at yuck yucks and did my first

comedy set. That's a really, that's actually a really great story. Like that's a, cause it worked out very well. Yeah. Um, yeah.

I had one career while I was building the other. And then eventually I traded off because then I became a substitute so I could do less and less teaching, more and more comedy. So it was like a nice... Like a Tom Berringer. Yes. Yeah. It was a trade. Who played the substitute in The Substitute 2? Oh, I think it wasn't the guy from Step by Step?

Yes. Yes. Stacey Keech. No. It was Treat Williams. Oh, was it Treat Williams? Treat Williams. Was it Substitute 3 where it was Cody from Step by Step?

Sasha Mitchell? Yeah. I don't know. Because that's the one, there's kids smoking in the car, in the parking lot, and he throws a grenade in the car. Awesome. And blows them up. Awesome. That's a movie that was made just for teachers. Awesome And blows them off Awesome

That's a movie that was made just for teachers Written by a retired teacher I know I have one novel in me We're failing that A substitute sequel What is the What is the level Because I've heard from different teachers what

what do teachers talk about in the in the staff room is it are our teachers as like angry and bitter as they're portrayed in popular media or is it really just are you always mad at that bueller kid a little bit well you know honestly i think a lot there's a lot of talk of parents that's what a lot of the talk is because you know you can't blame the child oh yeah you can like you know if they're a little jerk they're a little jerk but how did that child become a little jerk well i met their parents at parent-teacher interviews you know his mom like it's a lot of that um complaining about other teachers complaining about uh supervisors get the grenades uh just a lot of stuff like that yeah yeah it is i think it's just because education it really is quite a it is a thankless profession you you know i'm probably a horrible person to say that but

you know people teachers take a lot and and it's getting worse and worse. I mean, kids are great, but there's also a lot to deal with now, and you can't punish them. There's no form of real – like, you can't. There's no – what do they call that? There's no strap. Sure. Yeah. There's no carrot, no stick.

There's nothing. You can't even make them go out in a field and pick up garbage. You can't? You can't do things like that. We used to have to do that. Yeah, me too. Exactly, I know. They're with tongs.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes it fun, though. Yeah, because you pinch each other. Yeah, exactly. And you're not going to get in trouble. You're pinching another bad kid. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Because that's what I used to think. I'd be like, why detention where they can do their homework? Let's make them go out in the field and pick up garbage. What punishments did you get in school? Were you guys bad students? I know Graham got straight A's. He admitted that last. But you were probably a troublemaker at some point.

I was a talker. I was a... Graham distracts people around them from doing their work. I was that guy. So I got a lot of isolation-type punishments where I had to sit in a desk. In a booth with dollar bills flying around you. Yes. Or I had to do my learning via satellite from an island and figure out how to get back to the mainland.

Was sent to Australia. Yeah, it was that type of stuff. I think maybe when I was a kid, there was a thing of cleaning the chalk brushes. Oh, yes, yes. I thought that was very old-timey when I was doing it. I was like, this feels old. Or on Fridays, someone would have to wipe down the boards with a wet cloth.

To clean the boards with a wet cloth. To clean the boards officially. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Officially. That's right. Unless something said PLO on it. Then you please leave on. Yeah, Palestinian liberal rights.

So funny. Or me. I don't know. Yeah, what kind of punishments did you get? Do you remember? Well, I was a pretty shy kid. I really didn't make much of a ruckus ever. I didn't want anyone Yeah. What kind of punishments did you get? Do you remember? Well, I was a pretty shy kid. I really didn't make much of a ruckus ever. I didn't want anyone to pay attention to me. I was not good with grades.

I was very bad at school, but I just never got in trouble. I guess I really didn't get punished. I mean, maybe I had a detention. I guess detentions would have been the main stay after class, stay after school for a half hour. But I didn't have too many of those. I was a good kid. I had to help out the janitor at one point the janitor help yeah i remember that being like really weird because the janitor at our elementary school had an office but

it was also the boiler room yeah i always wondered what went on in there it's off limits. There's boiling. What does that even mean? When I went, I remember it going down there and he had all the artifacts of like what you would imagine an old kind of single type of janitor guy would have. Oh, yeah. Like he had a greaser haircut. So like held over from the 50s. Huge belt buckle. Tight bell-bottom jeans. That's pin-up pin up girls naughty playing cards i was like i'm gonna steal those i really there was yeah he smoked a lot he had uh he had cigarettes uh which he was the only

teacher i think that i knew that smoked janitors aren't usually teachers well they taught me a lot oh in high school all the teachers smoked so stressed out yeah i think in uh yeah i think in high school everybody or maybe junior high all that a lot of teachers smoke but i don't remember in elementary school maybe they were cautious about hiding yeah probably yeah and especially now especially now it's, you can't smoke anywhere on the property. You have to pretend that you are not a human. I had one teacher that

dressed all in leather all the time. What? In high school or elementary? Elementary school. Looking back on it, it seems odd. If I was a parent and I went to a parent-teacher night and there was a teacher that was dressed all in leather, I'd be like, this is... Do you think that's weird?

Yeah. Was it a girl or a guy? It was a girl. No, it was a guy in all the chaps and a biker hat. It was the 80s. Yeah, that's true. So does that let it slide? Sort of.

I went to a French immersion school from kindergarten through... She also wore a zipper hood. Does that count? Was that 80s as well? Like over the face? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a choke, a gag.

Uh-huh. So all my classes were in French up till grade four, and then it was half and half all the way till grade 10, I think. And so, yeah, there were a lot of leather pants. Okay. Just because French people wear leather pants. No big deal. Every color of the rainbow.

But I'm talking not just leather pants, like leather skirts, leather. The matching leather jacket. Yeah, like some leather top. Oh, like a leather pantsuit. Yeah. Like almost always leather all the time. And I think she was Miss, so she was a swinging single. Leather wearing, party girl.

She was a great teacher, but I think if I went in now and there was a similar situation, I'd be like, this is curious. But I think she even dated one of the teachers. I remember. I thought you like, this is curious. But I think she even dated one of the teachers. I thought you were going to say student. No. You seem to recall there were some googly eyes being made on a field trip with a substitute guy who was in there.

Oh, Tree Williams. She was making jokes about his nerdy shoes. They were doing it. They were doing it for sure. For sure. Yeah. Did you ever have... Oh, I remember a punishment that you had to do

was emptying out the pencil sharpener. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of toiling. A lot of, like, cleaning things. I think we've talked before

about having to wipe down the desks with like Ajax. Yeah, with Comet. Clean them. Yeah. Oh, that would be another good punishment. Yeah. Wiping the desks. Yeah.

And cleaning out the little pencil divot. Yeah. Oh, do you remember chipping off gum? Did you ever have to chip off gum from underneath the desks? Yeah. Yeah. Ew. Ew.

Disgusting. Yeah. No, no. But we were never really allowed to chew gum well that's why but we know that no one was but that's why eventually what grade did you teach did we even we even say oh yeah no no i was a uh i was a high school teacher i was a yeah high school so you never did the thing where you put out your hand and ask the person to spit the gum into it dear god no that's a great did. Did you ever have a teacher do that to you?

I'm familiar with the concept. I don't know if I ever witnessed it. That's disgusting. I was the guy who did it. I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this. You're great. I love to spit my gum in your hand. Yeah, I was like, this is way worse for you.

Same time tomorrow. This is totally worth one piece of gum that I get to spit in your hand. School days. What did you teach, Allison? I was a drama teacher. Okay. Yeah.

So I really, not much. Yeah. That's the answer to that. That's fun. I taught some skits. Drama people get so mad when you say, it's a scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you do a lot of, taught them warm-up exercises? Yeah, yeah. Loosen up your lips. Yeah, yeah. Unique is New York new york is unique yeah exactly but i got red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather that was a big one yeah and now was it last night because i was i went down to yuck x last night and we were talking about were you in the room when we were talking about uh mash a school production of mash not a school production it was choir we Not a school production. It was choir. We were talking about choir.

Yeah. And do you know the song Suicide is Painless? Yeah. She was singing it when she was a kid. Grade three in my choir. I know. I know. I know. And all I remember is like, because I didn't even know what the word suicide meant at that age, right? I just remember the choir

teacher always getting us to hold at the end and just like and suicide is painless and i can take on leave it if i choose hold it smile choose and then yeah yeah really pronounced and suicide is painless yeah i remember there being there were like a certain words that you knew meant like were big words but you didn't they're kind of confusing like i remember uh someone was asking uh one of the kids was asking so are you a virgin and this was grade three. Yeah. Oh, geez. What's the right answer? No. And they laugh at you either way. Either way.

You're a virgin. You're not a... I remember lesbian for a while. Lesbian, gay. Yeah, I don't think... I, of course, wasn't a virgin in grade three. Or a lesbian. True.

Although, my first experience oh lordy dave what's going on with you uh school wise well nothing's going on with me um but i uh well no actually really nothing is i saw uh yesterday there was a giant storm. And I saw two trees fall over. I didn't witness them falling over, but just like two blocks from my house. One enormous tree almost fell on someone's house. Yeah.

And blocked off a whole street. And then another block over from that, a tree crushed a car. What? That's crazy. That's pretty cool that is the um kind of the weird thing out here is i've always kind of marvel at how unprepared vancouver seems to be for any type of inclement weather like if it snows we're fine we lose our minds yeah if it if there if there were god forbid to be an earthquake, everybody would be fucked. And we have drills for earthquakes.

We learn it from childhood. But we really only learn what to do during the earthquake. So I wouldn't know what to do after an earthquake. Do I go to the grass field at my high school? Yes. Now all these people just wandering to their elementary. This is all I I'm looking for my teacher Mrs. Bear

are any of you my buddy where do I line up I'm in division 4 but yeah there's when the wind was really blowing yesterday I was, every single power line that I could see was next to a giant tree. So it just would take not even a tree falling over, just a sizable branch snapping off would cut off power to half of the neighborhood. And I was like, well, that seems like a pretty poor design. In Victoria, I went to university there.

And there was a, I forget what road it was, but there was a really long road with a power line the whole way down and trees. And the trees grew around the power lines. Whoa. It was like there was some magnetic force going on. It blew my mind. It was X-Files-y. Even the trees knew, don't touch um yeah so yeah so i got nothing uh but you told me you had a hot topic and we decided to make this the views friday hot topic yeah we've got a show of hot topics what is it uh here well last week um on the show dave talked about going to see

a movie and being uh behind somebody who was texting during the film and that was a uh you know a cause of distraction because of course the led screen's very bright yes and um and that person's an idiot and has no idea yeah and and then we kind of talked about people texting in movie theaters and talking in movie theaters. Yeah. And then I saw a preview online for a movie. I think it was made in Germany that involves – Run the Little Run. No.

This is the craziest concept. Like if you think 3D is kind of a questionable use of billions of dollars. Sure. This movie takes the cake for like uh stunt kind of movying what you do is everybody that goes to the movie has to give uh the movie theater your phone number and then there's a this is all set up through a computer program all the phone numbers are put into a computer program and the movie calls somebody in the audience's cell phone and you communicate with the film and it becomes like a choose your own adventure. And there's one person in the movie, like, depending on what you say, go left, go right.

The movie, there's a computer program that changes. It is probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen. But when I saw it, they showed this preview that showed how it worked and it was like this will revolutionize films would it be like choose your own adventure where if you pick the wrong thing you die and the movie's over in 10 minutes yeah the lights go up because then you'd have everyone else in the theater very angry yeah we told you turn right come on we're german it seems like that would be a recipe for some sort of... Disaster, yeah.

Yeah, like some sort of punch-em-up. Because somebody would be like, go left! And then you would go right, and it would just be like the notebook plot. It just turns into the notebook if you go right. Ooh, sexy. But, you know what I mean? So that's taking your complaint, turning it on its head and making it 10 times worse.

Yeah. No, using it, using its own momentum against it. Yeah. Like judo. So you said Juno, judo. Did I say judo? No, I know. I thought you said Juno.

Oh, like Juno. Use her momentum against her. Use a condom. Yeah. Your ego is preggo. But yeah, so anyways, I saw that and I immediately thought of you and how mind-blowing. Well, thank you. Like what a weird...

Is that it? Is that what's happening with film? And is that it? Is that what's happening with film? Has film got to the point where they're willing to try everything except making good movies? Sure. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

They're like, we'll put a buzzer on every seat. They've tried that before, though. I think in the 50s when they... John Goodman did it. Yeah. Matinee. Matinee. They had all those sorts of things. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. but that was back in the 50s i guess that was the 60s cuban missile crisis yeah and they movie theaters and and the movie industry decided we're not going to try and compete with television so we're just going to do a bunch of crazy shit and that's when 3d came in and all that kind of stuff um but now i'm like is it have movies again given up and been like, forget producing anything good. We're going to do this crazy thing

with cell phones and movies. We're going to do a gimmick thing? Yeah. Someone will be murdered during this movie. That's what it's come down to. Could you imagine? That would be terrifying.

You want to go see Saw 27? Yeah. All right. Somebody's going to die in the theater. It's like a play. Very Romanesque. So there's that. And then also this week, for anybody not in Canada,

I think this story carried clear across the country about, we talked about it on the podcast when it happened. There's been this BC human rights trial about an incident that involved a comedian and to a lesbian couple that were, they were all drunk at a show and things were said and water was thrown and some sunglasses got broken. And so now comedy and free speech, roughly on trial in BC. Absolutely. It's scary, right? Is it not scary?

Is it? I mean, I guess it is, but that guy's an idiot. There's no doubt about it that the guy in question is an idiot and also that the women in question are also idiots. That's the thing. Everyone's an idiot.

Just like Bootsauce said. Sorry. All idiots. Everyone's an idiot. But because we all know, like comedians, we know the comic. We know the room.

We know the environment that it happened in. We've all been at these shows where things have gone, like it's live entertainment, stuff's gonna go wrong. Somebody's gonna get murdered. I wish that we could really portray to the rest of society what it was, because people should be angry

that so much money is being wasted. We should be angry as a whole that money is being wasted on this issue. It is not the whole issue of free speech. Like, they're just making it too. That is not what happened. The problem was there was an idiot on stage, drunk people in the audience. It all went wrong. The end.

Yeah. The end. Yeah. And I think the scary part is that at some point somebody didn't say the end, and it actually has gone to trial. Yeah. And it's on the heels of, like, Ann Coulter not being allowed to or being harangued about her opinions in Ottawa. And I'm worried about Canada's state of free speechness. And it mostly worries me that I'm not worried about free speechness.

I'm worried about the fact that there are very talented comedians who will never get any national press exposure, and then there's this guy. That's another part of it. Yeah, that's true. Well, again, going back to what we were talking about before, how I've had the lovely experience of being in so many different places in canada so i moved to toronto after being here was here during when that happened moved to toronto and all these comedians pulled together to do a show to help this one comedian make money so he

can afford a lawyer and they're all like isn't it horrible and i was like i was there yeah i know better than all of you what really happened and if you all knew what really happened and who this guy was and the situation and how it all went down you would be embarrassed that you were doing a show to raise money for this situation like that's yeah what i think again is interesting because they have no idea all the comics just heard oh he wasn't know, the audience got crazy and he wasn't allowed to say, and we're going to help this guy. Now they're taking him to court. And it just blew my mind because I thought, well, I guess good that you're all banding together to help another comic.

But this is a ridiculous situation. There was an article in the newspaper that said that he said his name, who is now working as a physicist. And I was like, was like that's a weird like he's like i'm giving up this comedy game i'm gonna go into physics like i always thought i would his name is guy earl because you're all gonna look it up anyway sure yeah yeah and earl i actually have never seen him but i i uh assume he's horrible his name is guy earl yeah his name is guy earl yeah well and he a comic, and whatever your opinion is of him,

but it's just the bottom line is in Canada, we're supposed to, it is terrifying, because stand-up comedy comes from stand-up commentary. Ooh. Thank you. Where you are allowed to have an opinion, no matter what it is, you can say what you want. Yeah.

I think facebook's weird yeah y'all smoke pot yeah exactly and it's just ridiculous but it's just so funny because you know who i think should be suing somebody i think the establishment is it zawa the the yeah the restaurant the restaurant should be suing the lesbians for tarnishing their reputation. No, those two particular ladies involved. I refer to lesbians as the lesbians. Because I feel like we've been grouped in with this guy as comedians. Yeah.

But not all lesbians have been grouped in with these two lesbians as lesbians. If I knew the ladies' names, I would say them, but I don't. I'll say the couple. The couple involved in this situation. Them two lesbos. Those two ladies. Because now there was another comedy show that ran, as we all know, at that establishment. I think it was, was it every Thursday?

The Laugh Riot Girls ran their show out of that place. Sure. And because of the incident that happened, they were no longer able to run their show, which had been running for years out of that establishment. It was a turn from a Laugh Riot into a real riot. It did. And so, it did.

The establishment lost out. The establishment has been tarnished. He lost customers. He lost a big contingency of people. And that's who I think suffered the most in this situation. Okay, wow, this is getting heavy, guys. I know. Well, that's what happens when you have a list of hot topics to be.

I guess so. What do you want to talk about? Star? No, I mean... Oh, that was the other... Star's not on there anymore. Because I'm not just unemployed. She wasn't fat anymore. They didn't need her.

But they had the cast of... Oh, you've been watching a lot of The View. I've been watching snippets of The View. But they had... Well, you leave it on during Regis. You leave it on the same channel. Yeah, I turn it on for Regis. I want to hear what him and Joey, where they went out to dinner.

You want to know if they spent the weekend at Mar-a-Lago. Do you know Regis and Joey, his wife, do like night or like they perform at casinos? What do they do at night? They like do like a couple's song and dance act? Yeah. I would love to see that. It's how, you know, I bet you they do a thing where it's like a setup like, Oh, you make me so mad!

And then they sing crazy. You're driving me crazy! Crazy. Hey, Regis, could uh mash some potatoes for me but on the view then this just to me encapsulates like kind of what's going on when if i want to know what's going on when if if I want to know what's going on in culture

sure I just to take a look at the view and how do they take some time to enjoy the view first of all Whoopi Goldberg

was wearing a Mad Hatter's hat like Johnny Depp in the Alice in Wonderland for no reason other she kind of made a passing comment

but I'm like yeah but you haven't taken it on you left it on Joy Behar was wearing a teacher's leather outfit um and then not star joan who's the sherry shepherd who's the black who's the black she had her hair done like snooki from uh yeah and because they were like today it's crazy we're having the whole cast of the jersey shore and they talked for five minutes about jersey shore and then like incidentally somebody slips in and we've

also got ricky gervais and i was like oh really he gets like not only second billing but second billing below five minutes of discussion about first billing yeah and then kind of throw away but i don't think we got... And then a talented person. A lot of housewives probably don't care about Ricky Gervais. But do you think any housewives relate to... Oh, wait, there's two blacks. There's Whoopi Goldberg and the other one. Yeah, but one's famous.

But do you think that housewives relate to somebody who wears a Mad Hatter's hat? They'd like that. They would like to do that themselves? Whoopi replaced Rosie, right? Yeah. That's how she became the nanny. They just want a famous comedian.

Yeah, who's next? Who do you think is going to fill Whoopi's spot? Who was before Rosie? It was the one that's Meredith Baxter-Bernie. Will it be Ellen? Will Ellen be next? Ellen's too big. Caroline Ray.

She doesn't need it. Oh, Caroline Ray. That's not bad. She replaced Rosie on The Rosie Show. Yeah, I like Caroline Ray. Paula Poundstone. Yeah. Yeah.

She could wear a Mad Hatter's hat. Yeah, but Paula Poundstone isn't enough of a... I mean, most people... No, I wouldn't even say most people. I mean, some people know, but she's not a name name. She isn't enough of a... I mean, most people... No, I wouldn't even say most people. I mean, some people know, but she's not a name name. She's not enough of a racist. She's not a TV celebrity. Whoopi Goldberg to say something super racist in the past six months on The View?

Who can remember? Okay. I feel like she did. Something about being a mad hatter. It's the craziest thing. If you worked with somebody who showed up wearing a mad hatter. It's the craziest thing. If you worked with somebody who showed up wearing a mad hatter hat, wouldn't you ask to be transferred to another view branch?

You'd ask to be transferred to the other half. That was the male version, right? Oh, right, with Maria Lopez and Danny Bonaduce. Dick Clark was the Barbara Walters. Oh, my God. And the smart guy was Dr.

Was Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. No, this was pre, before it happened, but I think it was the doctor who killed Kanye West's mom. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow.

Dr. Jan. Oh, man. That's terrible. That was on for like five minutes. I can't even believe you remember man. That's terrible. That was on for like five minutes. I can't even believe you remember that. That's awesome. It was during my college years. Dave Shumpert, the college years.

Because Bonaduce, what character? Was he the Joy Behar? He must have been. Yeah, or the Whoopi. And Mario Lopez was the... He was the Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Sure. Yeah, he was the... He was the Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Sure. Yeah, he was the eye candy.

Yeah. But that was before America's Next Top Dance Crew, which is now his... Is that what he does now? Yeah, I was watching it yesterday. I was like, wow, this is great.

Did you really say that to yourself? Well, I like the dancing. Okay. They're very talented. There's a lot of... Is that where Jabberwockies came from? Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah talented there's a lot of but i was like jabberwockies came from yes yes yeah jabberwocky fans i don't know what that is they're a dance troupe yeah oh wow they wear masks yeah to look like the jabberwocky from uh no from that alice

in wonderland that's where jabberwocky's from it's from alice in wonderland same place whoopie got her hat isn't it from just a poem by lewis carroll um look we could sit here all day through the looking glass the great glass elevator sure the chocolate factory the giant peach who knows where it's from um now uh i forget something about the view oh mario lopez he also hosts uh extra I forget. Something about The View? Oh, Mario Lopez. He also hosts Extra. Somebody tried to start an April Fool's Day meme on the internet was Mario Lopez R.I.P. Oh, yeah. I bought it hook, line, and sinker.

Even though I knew it was April Fool's. Poor Mario. There was a lot of... April Fool's was getting out of control with the... With the internet? Bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Even though I knew it was April Fools. Poor Mario. There was a lot of... April Fools was getting out of control with the... With the internet? Internet, yeah. I think Perez Hilton had a Sarah Jessica Parker RIP.

Except that he had the whole way she died. It was a car accident and her son died. Oh, God. And Matthew Broderick was in serious condition. Oh, that's fairly terrible. That's like, that's well, eh. Well, it's Perez. He's outrageous.

He is outrageous. That's a word. He would wear a top hat. I'd buy it. Google, all they did was take all the vowels out of uh some of their pages that you went to if you went to april fools like how is that the best they could come up with when they're the biggest company in america they could have blocked out the sun for the day

april fools everybody yeah it's the end of the world just kidding just kidding just kidding it's getting good um what other ones were there it used to be like you would uh it would be a like a ran rap on the toilet yeah yeah or a morning dj they would be the big april fools person because a lot of people wake up don't think to think what the date is right and april fools only goes till noon anyway. That's right. Yeah, it is morning DJ territory. Good call. But I think people are too smart for it now. You think?

And also the fact that they're getting, before they even drink their cup of coffee, they go on the internet, they turn on the TV, they get like 10 pranks played on them. Yeah. That's true. Here's the thing that was funny about this April Fool's was I remembered, and I remembered to remember that it was April Fool's the thing i do is funny about this uh april fools was i remembered and i remembered to remember that it was april fools the next day and like i was like i gotta remember it's april fools so it'll get fooled and the whole day i was like on guard for everything and then at the end of the day i got a call from my landlord being like where's my rent check so like i completely just focused on the fact that it was april fool but not that it was the first of the

month and rent was due um do you pay one check at a time yeah i know you don't know where i'm gonna be next that's the thing i'm like crazy heart i could be playing a bowling alley next week nobody knows i'm not a road warrior princess i'm a road dog uh do you want to move on to overheards? Why not? All right. Woo-hoo. Overheard. Overheards. If you're of the sneaky variety and can listen in on a conversation or two, you may be lucky enough to have heard something hilarious. And we always like to start with the guest.

Yes. It's our policy. And you were hip to this earlier. You know that, like, figure one out. Yep. Recall one from the past. Start listening up, whatever you had to do. And so you have one?

I actually have a tremendous one. Oh, here we go. All right. And it actually, because I remember my friend, dear friend Erica Sigurdsson, told me about The Overheard. Past guest. Yes. Hilarious comedian.

So I was like, okay, Overheard. Past guest. Yes. Hilarious comedian. So I was like, okay, Overheard. And I was kind of freaking out about it because I was like, I can't think of one. I haven't experienced any really good Overheards lately. I was thinking back on my past.

And then we were having lunch today and I heard the best Overheard. Oh, nice. Like a gift from the goods. It was. We were at Sushi and I was with my friend Jane. Yeah. Jane Stanton, past I was with my friend Jane. Yeah.

Jane Stanton, past guest. Hilarious comedian. And we were sitting beside a couple of girls who were having, you know, what looked to be a deep girl conversation, obviously about a boy. Oh, right. Oh, yes. And I kind of heard mumbling, mumbling. And then, all of a sudden, I overheard the classic, mumbling, and then all of a sudden I overheard the classic wonderful

line, well, he's just not that into you. I heard it! I heard it for real! A girl said it to another girl! I overheard it, and the girl just started, the tears started

coming. I was like, is this really happening? So that was my overheard. Oh, wow. Well, it had to come from somewhere. I did. Greg Barron didn't dream it up. Yeah. Wow.

Wow. I know, for real. I was so happy when I overheard that. She says that and then she just slides the copy across the table. Do you want it on book or DVD? I'm doing this for you. Myspace is the new booty call. That's from the trailer, right?

Yeah, it is from the trailer. Dave, do you have an overheard? I do. Well, this isn't my overheard, but I was in a similar situation the other night at a restaurant, and there were just two guys who were really loud. But I didn't get enough to like...

There was no definitive soundbite, but they both agreed that the new Kesha song was going to be a mega hit. Stop talking that. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. We're big Kesha supporters here. I know.

He brought it up last night Graham brought up Kesha last night well because people who haven't had the luxury of seeing Allison's set she does a lot

you do a lot of singing yeah you do a lot of warbling yeah and I thought you know you've got you did some Shakira

yeah Reed just came out and you did a bunch of standards him and I just yeah you had a you do a Britney and I was like, well, Kesha

to me, a quick Kesha. I did it. I opened my set a couple weeks ago with nothing but Kesha references and the audience was dead-eyed. No Kesha awareness. They were like, stop, stop, talk, talk, talk. Yeah, I'm wearing a ribbon

to promote Kesha awareness. Kesha awareness. It's just a dollar sign. Yeah. Okay. Well, for the last month, I've been taking a night class. Yeah. I've been taking it at a night court. I've been taking a night class all about copywriting.

The creative art of persuasion, I i believe is the subtitle of the class and uh it's uh it's fine it's all right but uh we had one assignment where we had to write a beer commercial and uh so he he the teacher gave us this assignment. Write three radio spots for beer. Right. And then the curveball was that he gave us this piece of paper or a stack of papers that are laws that you can't talk about. Things you can't say in an advertisement for alcohol. You can't do that on television. Yeah.

And so this one I thought was the funniest of the laws. And, okay. It is unacceptable to suggest or imply that the product is or should be consumed prior to or during operation of any vehicle or conveyance or the riding of an animal. Riding of an animal. Riding of an animal. Either real or imaginary. Sure, yeah. You can't be riding a unicorn while drinking Zima. One of the laws,

I know one of the weird beer advertising laws is if you show a beer, like a beer bottle and a beer glass, the amount of beer missing from the bottle, like whatever's in the glass has to equal what is missing from the bottle. Otherwise, the implication is that somebody is drinking the beer. That's really one of the laws. You can't drink any of the is drinking the beer. Yeah. That's really one of the laws. You can't drink any of the beer in the ads. Yeah. And you can't even – you can't set an ad in a place – like you couldn't have an ad where it's just two guys in a bar. It has to be a party scenario. Like you couldn't just have two guys in a bar drinking beer.

That's why all the ads are always in a packed bar or a packed party. Because it has to be... You can't display a place that is a place that is only selling beer and that's all anybody's doing. You have to be in a party scenario. You can't suggest that the beer will make you drunk. Yeah, exactly. You can't show... Which is the whole reason they have the laws in the first place.

It's because they'll make you drunk. And those are real. I don't know how stringent they are in America or in the UK or whatever, but here they're like... Some of them, they border on insane. Like that one, riding an animal. Yeah. or in the UK or whatever, but here they're like... Some of them, they border on insane. Like that one, riding an animal. Yeah.

Although if you had a guy in a kokanee commercial riding a giraffe, the implication is that he's drunk and he's broken into the zoo. Yeah, sure. Yes. Or, yeah, riding a dolphin. I mean, what are the animals we generally ride?

Horses. Horses. Yeah. And by we, I mean everybody else but me. Sure, yeah. Camels. Donkeys. Camels.

Sheep. Kids ride sheep. Yeah. The stampede. The stampede. You shouldn't be drinking. If you have a kid riding a sheep while drinking a beer, that ad is not going to pass muster. Also, you can't pass mustard in a beer commercial.

Pass mustard? Yeah, you can't pass it from one person to the other. Be on the table, somebody takes their hand away, and then another person puts their hand away. I thought you meant pass it like a kidney stone. I just passed mustard? Yeah. Stinkaroo. Yeah, well, what are you going to do?

Stinker Rude. Yeah, well, what are you going to do? My Overheard comes courtesy of the comedy show I was at at the Kingston Bar and Grill Tap House. Just recently? Yes. Was this on Monday? No, on Thursday. Thursday?

Thursday. Two nights a week at the Kingston. Yeah. There was a table of people right next to the stage that were very drunk. It was two fellas and a lady. And I kind of felt like I was seeing the dawning of a threesome. But it was going on and on. And they were just, she was just so shit-faced.

And the guys weren't as drunk as her, but still very drunk. And at one point... But not like... So they weren't as drunk as, so they could probably make a list of her into A3. Sure. But at one point, she was having trouble holding her head up. Oh, God. I don't want to watch it. And this is all I heard was just this little snippet where the one guy said, exasperated, because obviously he had to explain this many times during the evening.

He said, You keep saying that, but I'm not white. I'm brown. I don't know what she was saying. What could she have possibly been saying? My father's gonna love you. Was this during your set? This was during everybody's set. everybody's oh great they were off to the side they weren't in the audience they were where the comics would hang out okay and i mean i was just like yeah i was when i saw it i was like this is how i'm pretty sure this is how a threesome

happens is this scenario if you know how a threesome happens, email me. You know the equation. Yeah, sure. Yeah, because I don't know. The only other time I was at a bar where there was a couple of girls making out to impress the guy. That's the better threesome. Statistically speaking.

We're just playing a numbers game. Yeah, if it's two guys and a girl, then you better have a pizza place. Oh, well done. Allison seemed to enjoy that joke. She's a big Trailer Howard fan. All right. Do we have any listeners who've written in with Overheard? Oh, we sure do.

We have some really, really good ones. All right. Our first Overheard, they're in the kind of misunderstood category of overheards. These come from Bridget B. Whose album was Misunderstood? Well, they actually wrote that in as the title. It was Pink. It was Pink.

It was Pink. Misunderstood. That's hilarious. That was what they titled the email. With a bling bling. Because Bridget starts, I thought the title of Pink's debut album would be inappropriate for this email because they're not so much overheards because they were said to me, but rather misunderstandings because I am hard of hearing in my right ear. Also, I googled misunderstood thinking that it was the name of her album, but it turns out that misunderstood is a prominent drag queen.

Misunderstood. Anyways, here are some of the ones that I'm still reminded of today by my family and friends. Lizzie, what I heard. So this is what she is hearing as Lizzie's talking. What's the difference between

Italian bread and Italian wife? 50 pounds. I laughed like a bastard even though the joke is Italian bride and Italian wife, not Italian bread. Yeah. Italian bread weighs about a pound,

and a wife weighs about 51 pounds. Kathleen, what I heard, that's a really famous topless bar. Bridget, that's a weird place for a topless bar, right between two boutiques and down from a coffee shop. She said tapas. Tapas. Yes, a, tapas. Tapas. Yes, a tapas bar.

Tapas. And Tiana, what I heard, I've got a sleep management disorder. She said, I've dressed the mannequins for the store. Yep, pretty great Pretty great There's somebody Alex said no story Just thought it was a funny picture

And now I can't remember what the picture was of Oh well Live and learn Graham Live and learn Alright, Tommy F Wrote in I am Facebook friends with a girl from high school that works at some club in Indianapolis. She makes crappy flyers for club events and posts them to Facebook so they show up in my feed. Apparently, the club is holding an event called Final Frenzy in celebration of the Final Four.

Unfortunately, she made a poor font choice, and the only thing I saw when I read it was anal frenzy. And it really does look like the F and the I really do connect. I do a... My dad, actually, when he writes our last name, S-H-U-M-K-A, in capital letters, it looks like shlimka. I used to drink shlimka beer. beer yeah i used to drink it anally i mean finally this is from greg v uh while standing in line at my local subway i overheard a young lady ask her friend how long is a foot long you know it's a foot um this is from matt s uh so he's

sitting in the park last weekend and on the next bench was a woman in her 20s with her dog standing next to her one of those big fancy wolf houndy type dogs fancy an older gentleman in his 60s perhaps with somewhat uncombed unkempt hair and slightly threadbare clothes, came wandering by. When he saw the dog, he stopped, then asked the woman, Can I say hello to your dog? She smiled and said yes, at which point the guy turned towards the dog and a little stiffly and shyly, without moving, said,

Hello, like one of the, would greet a strange child or a new acquaintance, then just stood there as though waiting for the dog to say hi or shake his hand or something. What, nothing? The dog just sat there looking at the guy and the woman looked a little panicked like she was trying to decide whether to run for life or whip out her can of mace but then the guy just shuffled off.

So, yeah, you don't just say hi to a dog. No, you gotta pet it. Yeah, you gotta give it a little incentive. Yeah. Give him a pat. Jump up here. Yeah, or tap him under the chin. Tap us. Tap us.

Especially if the dog's topless. This is from Daniel S. Daniel from Palm Springs, California. Just experienced and overheard our pool man, Fancy, was walking by the side of the house to get to the pool, and he was on his cell phone uh like he always is and i heard as he passed by well he's a dickweed and you can tell him i said so which is pretty great sure because that's what a 12 year old would say about somebody right a dickweed tell him i say he's a dickweed yeah tell him i said he's a dickweed i'm not talking to him

but you can pass that message along. Like a broken telephone. And this is from Jacob B. I have two overheards. I'm only going to read the one. This is at a bus stop. A woman was explaining to her child what New York is like. Woman, there are lots of people and really tall skyscrapers. Child, what's a skyraper? Exactly.

What is a skyraper? I remember when I was a kid hearing the word skyscraper and thinking how cool it was. The sky was actually getting scraped by these buildings. Yeah, I guess that's the origin of it, right? Yeah. It's, you know... Up in the sky, scraping it. Too close to the sun.

Like Euripides. I'm trying to find this photo. I just want to see what this photo is. Fine. Just relax. Everybody just relax, okay? I found it. I found it.

Refresh our memory what the photo was of. The photo. What was the caption? Oh, it was just, here's a funny photo that I found. And it's a flyer. And I've seen something like this that's for a college game of Quidditch. Ah, from Harry Potter. Yeah, except that they fly in that movie.

Right. And they have magic powers. Ah, from Harry Potter. Yeah, except that they fly in that movie. Right. Right? And they have magic powers? I bet. I mean... So do these people just run around with a broom between their legs? Oh, that is... Nerds.

That is the nerdiest of nerds. Wow. We had a... I don't think we ever mentioned it. Someone a couple weeks ago... We had a Quidditch player on the show? ...wrote in with a different picture. I don't think we talked about it of uh this amazing

hoodie that had popeye all over oh yeah oh my god should i look up who it was it's fine they know who they are it was great it's one of those ones where you zipper up over your face yeah and it's a popeye face in your popeye yeah um that's good uh do you think like a father would be really disappointed if his son went to college and said, I made a team and it was a quidditch team? I imagine he would. I think, but it's certainly intramural. There's no NCAA Final Four.

Not yet, but back in the James Naismith days, the basketball didn't start out as a pro. That also had a broom. Very true. It did have a broom. Yes. All right. out as a that also had a broom yes um all right well we have listeners who've written called called yes if you want to write to us you can write to us at stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and if you would like to call us it's 206-339-8328 that's 206-339-TEAT. Hey, Dave and Graham. I have an overheard from down here in Nashville. I left work to get some food and walked down the street about noon.

This enormous black man, and I say that with no tinge of stereotypes or anything else, yelled out to a lady behind me, yo, girl, want snacks? In a sort of casual what's up manner and kind of startled me, caught me off guard and thought it was pretty funny. Yo, girl, want sex? Oh, want sex.

Yeah. I thought he said want snacks. Oh, he doesn't. Yeah, I would say yes to that call. to that call even if you have to listen more carefully before you respond oh you got snacks in your van i just wanted some bits and bites he said that uh the man was a black man and he said it with no trace of stereotype yeah but if you're from nashville tennessee there's a little bit right yeah i don't know couldn't you just say because i was like okay well does the black part of anything to do with what's about to happen no you could have just said some guy he did kind of a blackie voice yeah

that's what they call them right blackies a balky voice a balky voice hey david graham it is katie Hey, Dave and Graham. It is Katie from the great state of Minnesota calling with a doozy of an overheard slash overseen. I was in a store, department store yesterday, and I was kind of behind this family that was a pretty large family. It was two parents and a lot of just little kids. They had like a double stroller and the dad was holding another child. And they also had walking with them, I assume their oldest son, who was about, I would say, four or five. Definitely old enough to know better. And so as he is walking along, he's talking, just chattering away like little kids do to his dad, all excited about Easter, like,

Are we going to die eggs tomorrow? Is the Easter bunny coming? Just nattering away as little kids do. And then all of a sudden, he stops in the middle of the aisle, in the middle of a crowded department store, screams, I have to poop! And squats down before his parents can react and proceeds to poop his pants in a really loud and obvious fashion. And it stunk, so I guess it's also an oversmelt. Anyway, I'm never going to have kids.

Wow. Wow. Wow. That was awesome. Good for you, kid. Yeah. I think the squat's almost incidental if you're still wearing the pants. Yeah. You don't need to squat.

Yeah. You could just keep on walking. Sure. Keep trucking. Don't you tell that kid that. Yeah. Hey, kid, if you're going to shit your pants, you can just shit your pants standing. Yeah.

Just keep on trucking. Potty training's hard. Not bad about it. You're taking part of the potty training world, the squatting, and you're transposing it. You don't have to. Yeah. Oh, yeah, toilet training. That's probably one of the better parts of not being an elementary school teacher.

Oh, yeah. Half of elementary school teaching is babysitting. Just don't pick your nose. Don't, yeah. No teacher ever enforced the nose picking policy. You got to pick your battles. And picking the nose battle is not going to be one. You can pick your friends.

You can pick your battles. You can pick your battles, but you can't pick your friends' battles. Your nose battles. Yes! Three beers later, we're thinking alike. Gotcha. Hey, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Derek in Nashville, and I just...

Nashville? I have it overseen. I'm sorry. I just passed a person standing in front of a Hardee's, which is the same thing as a Carl's Jr., and this gentleman was holding a sign. His sign just said, Hardee's is racist and sexist,

except he spelled racist and sexist wrong. He spelled it C-E-S-T, and I'm pretty sure whatever his cause is, it would be improved if he had spelled those things right. Yeah, sure. We don't have Carl's Jr. or Hardee's up here. Yeah. Because they're

racist. No. They're racist. They're the most race. Yeah. Exactly. They're the raciest. Alright, next. Oh, this guy.'re the raciest. All right, next. Oh, this guy. I like this one because he called in. And what we do on the show when we read overheards is we'll just give the person's first name and their last initial.

Yes. Like Allison S. Yes. And this guy called in and gave his full name. And then he said, oh, I'll call back And then he screws up Okay, this is going to be great Hey, this is Michael Moon from, oh crap, cut that out

Hey, this is Michael M. from North Carolina And I have a freshly heard overheard just a few seconds ago. My dad was doing a sound check. And the guy in the sound booth, apparently his name is Dick. And my dad was playing with the microphone and apparently was talking to it. And the switch wasn't on. Dick was like, waved his hands up in the air and my dad said

hey, just playing with you Dick. And I thought it was hilarious and nobody else called it. And so yeah, so I overheard. Just playing with you Dick. Really great. Greatest phone calls ever.

Mostly because of the intro. The overheard. But you know what? And the voice crack. Yeah, the voice crack. And then the quick acknowledging of the voice crack was even better. Of course.

You have to do it. Great call. Great call. Really great. And we will play your name. You know, your name's Michael Moon. That's a great name. Great call. Really great. And we will play your name. You know, your name's Michael Moon. That's a great name. It is.

I assume his dad is Keith Moon of The Who. Yeah. So that's why he didn't want us to know his last name. Or, yeah. Sailor Moon. Yeah. Hi, this is Toby. I'm in Orange County, California.

I'm just outside of Target, and I have an overheard for you. I was in the Target, and just as I was coming around one of the aisles, two guys that I guess you'd probably refer to as douchebags, you know, they had the Sailor Jerry kind of shirts on and everything, and one of the guys says sort of off the cuff, hey, you know that Chelsea gets out of jail this week, right? And the other guy just says, yep. And then they high-five and look at each other

like it's the end of chips or something, kind of frozen. And I don't know what happened after that because I decided just to get the heck out of there. So love the show. Probably a good call. But Chelsea gets out of jail this week. I'm very excited about that. I think that's where a three-way starts.

I was going to say, I think you met Chelsea at the Kingston. When he said douchebag, I thought in my head just very momentarily that if you had a sitcom that in some ranges you were allowed to say douchebag and others you weren't you know certain areas of the country you could substitute in a dishrag very easily what a dishrag or like or just the made for tv movie version or yeah yeah yeah yeah um very funny just like Mother Fudger. Yeah. Yeah.

When you find a stranger in the Alps. That's the one from The Big Lebowski. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. Yeah. It became this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps. That's awesome. And what's the other one? It's Monday to Friday. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Instead of motherfucking. These Monday to Friday snakes. These Monday to Friday snakes on this melon farmer. On monkey fighting planes. On monkey fighting, not melon. Because melon farmer was the other one. Melon farmer, yes. That's Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer.

Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer. That's right. This is our final overheard. Awesome. Everyone cross yourselves. Hi, guys. This is Jackie from Cambridge, Mass. And I have an overheard.

I was at an MIT party, and I could hear in the background a room was having fun or all drinking, and kind of in the back of the room I heard someone go, so wait, do photons have math? And then a very boisterous, fuck no. So, um... Photons have mass, and then a very boisterous fuck-no. Photons don't have mass. Everyone knows that. Did you come here to party, or did you not come here to party? Fuck-no.

MIT is a nerd school for nerds, is that right? It's an institute of technology. Institute of technology. It's where Good Will Hunting was the sweeper. And they're serious about success. That is hilarious. Well, that's DeVries. But MIT is serious about success as well.

What is ITT Tech? What about Barbizon? University of Phoenix. So yeah, those were great. Call in over here if you want to call in. It's 206-339-8328. Now, we are recording this on the day before Easter. And Graham told me to remind

him to ask him what he's doing for Easter. Graham, what are you doing for Easter, Graham? It wasn't even what I'm doing for Easter, but it's just something I noticed today. And it was very like just a moment. It wasn't an overseen or Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

Exactly. But I was having breakfast, and on my street this time every year, they have kind of like a block party kind of thing, and it's all the businesses bring out a table, and some businesses have a barbecue out front, and they do this giant easter egg hunt for all the kids in the neighborhood and there was this group of girls

they could have been any age between 12 and 19 like the way they were dressed and done up what's the difference that's what i say judge judge but when they were walking around i just it suddenly dawned on me i was like i not i don't know what age these girls are but they are participating in an easter egg hunt so i'm gonna say 11 12 12 you said they were between 12 and 19 but you know like uh but they wear short shirts skirt you wear t-shirts yeah they're cheer captain and I'm in the bleachers, right? But yeah, I don't know if that's...

Allison, am I wrong? Has that always been the way girls love chocolate? They're dressed like... These girls look like they could have jobs in an office building downtown. They're dressed very nicely in the Hooters office. Not a lot of our listeners know that Hooters central office is here. Sure. They're dressed very nicely. Yeah, in the Hooters office.

Not a lot of our listeners know that Hooters' central office is here in Vancouver. Oh, man. Is it really? No. Oh. I wonder if in the Hooters office the women still have to wear the horrible tights. Yes, and the guys wear them too. Because of a landmark sexual discrimination case.

I don't know. I just thought that was odd. I was like, I could easily... The group of gals, they looked like they were going out for brunch. Gals. But they had maps and were looking for the next egg station. Was it like a scavenger hunt? Yes.

Were there clues? Yeah, there's clues posted at all these different businesses, and they have to read the clue and then go to the next. But I don't know. So they were dressed up looking old. They weren't scantily clad? No, no, no. They just looked older.

They looked like adults. Yeah. They looked like... And none of them were too short to be an adult. They just looked like a group of four or five girls that were going for brunch. Yeah, girls are getting... They're maturing faster than ever. Yes, they are.

And guys are maybe going the other way because there's a lot of now 30, 40-year-old guys wearing hoodies. Yeah. My boss at my job, exclusively American Eagle. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like his house burnt down with all of his clothes

and the closest store was American Eagle. That's hilarious. I think so. That's very funny. I think that's true. I think girls, though, have always generally wanted to look older. Yes. When you're young, you want to look older because you want the older boys to like you,

and then once you get older, you dress younger, so the younger boys like you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Fair enough. How about you when you were younger? What did I look like? How, you dress younger, so the younger boys like you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Fair enough. How about you when you were younger? What did I look like? How did you dress? I had a Ninja Turtle shirt on most of the time.

That was my identifier. Yeah. I'd still wear a Ninja Turtle shirt if I thought I could get away with it, but I can't. I just wanted girls to know that I'm not like all the other boys. So you dress like the Flash. That's right. Anyways, I just thought that was weird. It was just a weird thing that just occurred to me.

Maybe they were full-grown 30-year-old women. Well, then they shouldn't be participating in the Easter. I know, but it's a bachelor party, a bachelorette party. Dang it. They're wearing penis hats. Yeah, they were all wearing tiaras. Sure. So that should have been my...

That's a bad name for a kid, right? Tiara? No, I like it. Is it good? That would work. Yeah. It's classy. It's very classy, because who wears tiaras?

The classiest. That's true. Princesses. My daughter's tiara. Yeah, that's one step away from calling her princess. I kind of like that. She could wear those princess jumpsuits. Yeah, and she could have a pony named princess.

She could. The one other thing I wanted to mention was last week, on last week's show, we had an over scene that was sent in by a school teacher that was a bit of an assignment that had been done where you had to put quotes around the title. There was three titles of books, and you were supposed to put quotes around it. It was Hamlet, Old Man and the Sea, and Dracula. Although I would like to point out

that when you're writing down the title of a novel, it shouldn't be in quotes. It should be either underlined or italicized. Correct. That is true, yes. But for the purposes of this fantastic thing that happened the kid put quotes around hamlet and old man in the sea dracula so that became overnight we said like send in uh an interpretation of what that was we got no less than five like actually drawn oh i can think of at least five so you're right yeah they they sent

in drawings uh somebody sent in uh uh like a what would the movie poster look like featuring jack nicholson as the old man uh harrison ford as the sea dracula and helen mirren as the uh some sort of fish judy dench oh it's jud. That's right, James Judi Dench. And then there was also, there's somebody who's planning to make a claymation movie of it. Sure. There was a video game interpretation. That was great. It's been wild.

It's been amazing. Somebody wrote in kind of casting choices that they thought would work for the movie. Chris Christopherson. Oh, yeah. A couple people had Chris Christopherson. Oh yeah, a couple people had Chris Christopherson Chris Christopherson Chris Kierkegaard as the old man

and Wesley Snipes as the sea Dracula. A Blade reunion. And we also, I can't remember how it came about that Joe DiMaggio was somehow involved as the sea Dracula. Oh, because he's in The Old Man and the Sea. Well, he's referred to. Yeah, and so we said that the Sea Dracula would have to be played by a character

playing Joe DiMaggio, playing the Sea Dracula. Sure. Anyways, I just want to thank everybody who took so much time and effort to be a part of that. It's not the, you know, the gates aren't closed on it. If you have a great way to interpret Old Man and the Sea Dracula, keep it coming. I'm interested. Yeah.

We are interested here at Stop Podcasting Yourself. Want to wrap it up? Sure. Allison, if people want to find you online, where do they go? They can go to asmithcomedy.com. So asmithcomedy.com. And you are going to be in Ottawa next weekend. And then do you have any other dates out east?

Because we do. We have listeners all over the country. Yeah. I do believe I'm in Niagara Falls a couple weeks after that. Romantic. Playing on the Maid of the Mist. So exciting. And yeah, I post everything on the Asmith Comedy.

So anything I have coming up, they can check that out. Well, thank you for being a guest. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much. How much fun was this? Really fun. It was a blast. It was mega fun.

If you want to see Allison both tell jokes and sing, beautifully sing on stage. She was telling us she could have won Canadian Idol. Easily. She was bragging. could have won Canadian Idol. Easily. Move over, Malcolm, whatever his name was. Move over, Kaylin Porter. Exactly. Well, you're a delight. Now, Graham, is it this upcoming weekend that

you're at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival? It is, yes. And I've asked about comp tickets and nobody's got back to me yet. So I'm working on it. People who sent me emails asking, how do I get in for not paying? And I'm working on it.

But if you have money, if you've got the wherewithal. Yeah, I'm sure most people do. I think you just made that generous offer and people jumped on it. Yeah, it's Saturday night at uh i'm not sure the name of the venue but it's their big theater gala venue that all right and uh it is very fun the winnipeg comedy festival is very fun it's gonna be great yeah and the following weekend uh on the friday i'm at the legion on commercial drive for a uh a show that benefits Vancouver's homeless and you can get tickets through

if you go to my Facebook or our group Facebook page I'll post a link of where you can get tickets and now that we are part of the Maximum Fun universe we I'm no longer

going to be posting episode discussions on our message board, they're going to go over to the Maximum Fun forums internet talk everyone should join them forums if you haven't already and yeah, MaximumFun.org yeah, and you can still

there will still be the blog that you do, that accompanies the podcast. Yeah, that will eventually go over to Maximum Fun. But we're in transition. Yeah, we're stuck between stations. And thank you, everybody, for continuing to listen. If you enjoyed it, tell your friends.

If it's that easy to get people to listen to a podcast, probably not. It's probably pretty arduous. But if you have somebody who's asking for podcast suggestions mention us and come back next week for another enthralling episode of stop podcasting yourself