Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 133 - Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: September 27, 2010

Comedian Kyle Kinane joins us to talk trampolines, bed bugs, and parental exclamations.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 133 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's jaunty in a pink shirt. Yeah, I guess it's maybe it would be how a newspaper colorer would make pink. Quintalism.

Yeah, it's white with red. Dot matrix. Dot matrix. Oh, it's white with red. Dot matrix. Dot matrix. Oh, there you go. That's Mr. Dave Shumka. And our guest today, a very funny man, just in town for the Vancouver Comedy Festival,

just had his first CD ever released this year called The Death of the Party. Mr. Kyle Kinane is our guest. What's up, guys? Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having me. Let'sane is our guest. What's up, guys? Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having me. Let's get to know us. Get to know us.

So what's going on with you? We were talking just very briefly outside that you've been on the road forever. Oh, yeah. I don't even know what home is anymore man i was chasing that yellow line oh man you don't even know oh i see your horizons man i saw a video you did uh where you were in the grand canyon oh with ron babcock yes um is the grand canyon as boring as portrayed in said video? No, I think it's a beautiful... Actually, at one point while we were filming it,

we didn't plan to film it. We were just like, oh, like... Yeah, yeah. That was the start of the tour I was on, so we were going from Phoenix to Denver. And I just said, oh, we got to stop and see the Grand Canyon. It's a pretty amazing place. And we get there, and we're like,

what if we just start making fun of it? Like, we're joking. Like, what if somebody just... Like a jaded teenager that just hates the most gorgeous, amazing wonders of the world? And so we started doing it, and he's like, oh, I've got a flip camera. So we just started taping us booing the Grand Canyon. It was really convincing because I kind of feel like there's a lot of places that you're told oh you gotta go there and then you go and you're like I don't know maybe it's them or

maybe they were in love at the time that is definitely not one of them but I would if I had the means I would love to do a short series of just huge disappointments like traveling dickheads like you're just there in the redwood forest or something like

it's trees. It should be furniture. That's what it should be. It would be more impressive if this was a new couch for me. Did you ever, when you were a youngster, did you travel around? Did your parents take you on family vacations and then they made you stare at things? I'll get your picture taken with your feet in two different states. Oh, yeah.

Which is the crappy version of the four corners one. Right, right. It's like really anybody could pull off the two-state one. Yeah, yeah. That's between every state. It's like the four states. We don't have time to get out to the one where the four states meet. We just got to do –

Just put your – We got to do Indiana, Illinois. We just got to do it. We got to do Indiana, Illinois. We just got to do this. We did. No. Well, my dad worked for the airlines, so we didn't have money but had the means to travel because he worked for airlines. Oh, nice.

He was a big traveler. So I got to see some pretty great stuff as a kid. I got to go to Europe. Oh, wow. Which was lost when you're seven. And you're like, oh, this is Austria, November. And you're like, there's no pool. This place sucks.

I need a cartoon mouse that is mostly terrifying and only slightly entertaining to guide me around the most wonderful place. It's a scary Austrian Mickey Mouse. Yeah. And that's the thing wonderful place. It's a very Austrian Mickey Mouse. Yeah. And that's the thing, too. There's something about when you're a kid, it's like the pool is, even if there's an ocean right next to it, the pool is just the most amazing thing that you can do on holiday.

Yeah, if you grow up in a cold place. If you just grow up not having a pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, up here, you've got limited summers. I'm from Chicago. So, yeah, yeah. Obviously up here, you know, you got limited summers. I'm from Chicago. So, yeah, it's all the pool and the neighbors. My neighbor's at a pool. I remember being a little kid just standing at their fence, just looking at them.

And them coolly ignoring my presence. Right. They're like older people. And they would just sit there like, don't look at him. If you look at him, he'll be like, can I go swimming? Just don't look. And I gave him a run for i put in a good half hour 45 minutes just standing at that fence looking at him did you ever uh uh like friend somebody purely on their you know online but in the real world yeah i

request your friendship yeah because you have a pool. Did you ever befriend anybody because of their pool or trampoline? We had a trampoline. You had a trampoline? Just in the summers, and we would lord it over the neighbors. I would anyway. By jumping over the fence and being like... Refusing them access. Hey, guys.

What are you going to spend your afternoon? I'm going to do this. That was a visual joke that won't work for a podcast, by the way. You did the voice. I thought, yeah, yeah. My neighbors had a trampoline, but it was like the drug house,

so my mom would never let me go over there. And you could just tell, me and my sister, like, come on. Every kid in the neighborhood is just having the most fun in the world

at the hillbilly drug house. That's how they get you hooked. house yeah yeah oh you like you like trampoline trampoline that's the that's the birds for trampolines you like that's a healing they were like really good and I wanted to go I was like the metalheads had the trampoline which goes against being a metalhead yeah no joy stamp they were having a blast all summer and i couldn't plan it um was it the type of traveling i remember there was uh in my neighborhood there were two distinct groups of trampoline owners there were people that took very like folded it up in the winter and took immaculate care of their trampoline so it

looked like it had just come out of the box and then there were people who left theirs up year round so it had seen like snow and leaves and the mats had turned to rock holes in it the perilous cloth rust and uh there were no mats on it at all it was just spring oh yeah no the springs yeah yeah yeah so it's just like bare springs that your leg could go right in between. I'm assuming the drug house just left it out all year. Yeah, they weren't real responsible with it. And by safe, I think it was just a pothouse. But also my mom thought that trampolines and skateboards were basically the equivalent of just giving your children rattlesnakes and chainsaws.

She honestly thought those were the two most dangerous things that could happen to children. Rattlesnakes and chainsaws and trampolines and skateboards. Yeah, all categorized. There were two, I don't know if there's still, two types of trampolines. Now I only see the mesh.

But when I was a kid, there was the mesh kind, where you're jumping on a big mesh tank top, and there was the orange tarp. Oh, okay. Orange tarp. Yeah, I never... Yeah, we had the orange tarp one.

Wow, so was this like a vintage? I don't know. It was orange. It was like a tarp with springs all around it, and the advantage that had over the other kind is water. It could hold water. That was an advantage? Yeah.

No, if it was a hot summer day, spray down the trampoline. It's like a slip and slide. You can have your ankles shoot right out from underneath you. No, it wasn't very slippery, but it was, oh, what a great way to cool down. I hate having to defend. Sorry to rub it in your faces. Was it square? Was it circular?

It was square, so it was a good wrestling ring. Was it 15 by 12? It was metric, so 3 by 4. 6 by 3? Yeah. You got to have the old 6 by 3? No, and it was below our patio So we could jump from the patio onto it

So when we were fake wrestling The patio was the top row When you were fake wrestling who were you? Ricky the Dragon Steamboat What about you? Fake wrestling? Did you ever assign yourself? So his regular name was Ricky Steamboat Then he felt the need for a nickname

By the way I'm Asian was Ricky Steamboat. Then he felt the need for a nickname. By the way, I'm Asian. Hey, Ricky Steamboat, what's your wrestling name going to be? That was the name they gave him at Ellis Island. Ricky Chang, you're now Ricky Steamboat. How did you come to this country? How did he get to Ellis Island from Asia? He got real lost yeah asian drivers am i right guys comedy podcasting all right now we're rolling now yes yes yes

trampolines asian drivers the big two oh me rake a wrong ref that cape horn see that's the accent you do to make it even funnier oh god sometimes you ever realize you're so great at comedy like i gotta find something else to be awesome drivers then the accent i should be hearing something yeah i need to challenge myself again guys i should be launching something um so saw on Facebook that you were trying a Japa dog. Did you have a Japa dog today? Yeah, I got scammed. What?

I walked out. I didn't know I was looking for a cart. So I was on the wrong side of the street. I'm looking at storefronts. And then I get to a cart finally a block past. And it's got Japanese writing. And it's got hot dogs like there can't be a lot of these japanese hot dog places yeah and so i'm getting like so is this the japa

dog and the guy's already he's making me the food and he goes no they stay they used to work for me like he had this whole story no they stole they came here and i gave him a job and they were from japan and i helped him and then they just took, and they were from Japan, and I helped them, and then they just took it, and they spent all the money, and now it's everywhere. I'm like, all right, all right. But they gave me a free Coke. That's pretty good. That's the Jaffa Dog experience.

And then as I'm eating, I walk past the original one. Yeah, and then you felt... Well, I just had a sausage with some teriyaki sauce on it. That's basically jabba dog yeah isn't that uh yeah you'll get a weird uh uh ricky steamboat mayo with some seaweed on it that's basically all there is i will i probably will go back and try the real one tomorrow yeah it's good like uh i had actually had one today. I had a teramayu veggie dog. Did you go to the restaurant? I went to the

restaurant. They were so popular, they opened their own restaurant about ten blocks away. Oh, okay. I saw the cart. Is the cart still there? Is that a fish sausage? Uh, different kinds of sausages. I just saw the words fish sausage. Are they really that Asian?

Or are they just... Like the website is like... Trying most superiorly to bring you tasty hot dog in world. Are they really? Because that's authentic? Or are they playing it up?

They're probably playing it up. But the best part are the celebrity endorsements. Oh, yeah. Ice Cube? Is it Ice Cube or Ice Tea? Ice Cube. Ice Cube.

I came here ten times. Celebrity and for newspaper. But I sound like I'll go back and try it. That is like the guy that did, who was at a block past that I would like to endorse him because he was a nice guy. Yeah. The original. Yeah. Allegedly. Yeah, the original... Allegedly.

Yeah, well, I imagine if you go to Seattle, there's some coffee shop guy that says he was the original Starbucks. I'm Louis Starbucks! That's my name! Louis the Dragon Starbucks. Louis the Dragon Starbucks. An even better wrestling name.

So, in your travels, any kind of hidden gems of a town that you never thought would be amazing but turned out to be amazing? The much maligned South. Yeah. In America was a wonderful place. Our past guest, Kevin Lee, went on on vacation just drove around the south yeah and said it was amazing everybody's friendly and ate barbecue for every meal and it's uh i think more and more it seems that people are instead of leaving where they're from to go to a you know a big metropolis and try and make it more and more people are really especially

it's not like an old man well what the an old man. Well, but you could just stay in your city and make it a neat place. That's true. And people stay there and they're going to make their, their great restaurants the way they want to, without trying to compete in a big city. And all of a sudden all these places are great. Asheville, North Carolina was great.

Lawrence, Kansas was a cool place. Unfortunately, I didn't get to stay long in these places, but from my experience, all these towns were neat. Although the highways between those places, this is

where Klan meetings. This is absolutely, without a doubt, there's some... And bugs at a point, I may as well have just had clowns throwing pies at the front of my car. They were terrifyingly large bugs. And sometimes they would get inside the car and I would scream a little.

Like through the air conditioning? No, through my open window. I'm like, me in the open road. I'm really doing it. And one hit my elbow. It was so big. It was like someone punched me. They were giant. They were animals. They weren someone punched me. They were giant.

They were animals. They weren't even insects. They were giant creatures. They were small birds. They were flying dragons. That's really what they were. Wow. So, but that's good.

I think that's a good kind of travel thing. Because I was thinking about, like, if I went on vacation somewhere in the States, I'd want to go to a place like Baltimore or Detroit or someplace that isn't necessarily like a destination place, but somewhere that would be cool to go. Like Detroit, you know, someplace where you don't want to go. You've been to Detroit, right? Is it super scary?

I've been through Detroit. So you've never... Even being from Chicago, no one's ever been like, let's go to Detroit this weekend. It's right there. It is right there. Nobody does that. No. But there might be something great there.

I heard that there's a big art scene that's all sprouted up. You can stay in a four-star hotel for a hundred... Eminem. Yeah. It's all happening there. A burgeoning independent music scene. Some small band called KISS, I think. No, they're from New York.

Well, they just sang Detroit Rock City. I know, but they've really taken it on as an anthem. Yeah. Michael Moore raves about Detroit. In all his movies, it's like the place to be. No, it seems awful, Graham. Oh, okay. So I'm out to lunch on that.

But no, maybe that's why it's going to take naive weirdos like you to book trips there. Graham's going. Maybe there's something going on over there. Naive and weirdo, but whatever the other thing you said. Guy. Dave, what's going on with you uh recently well uh the last few weeks we've been talking about our terrifying encounters with spiders yeah and dave hates spiders yeah where do you stand on spiders do you stand on spiders stand all over spiders and you were just mentioning uh your terrifying experience experience with bugs in the south.

Yeah. South bugs. I just had an experience with a house fly at a sandwich stand. A whole experience. Oh, yeah. I was ordering a sandwich, and it's a place on Commercial Drive. It's a few steps above your quiz noses oh is this the uh grotta yeah i don't know that we need if i'm gonna talk about a house fly

being in there oh sorry bleep that out report to the people just put it quiz nose over top of what i said sure whiz nose there you go uh uh i was uh food, and then there was a nice day, and their door was open, so I guess some bugs were flying in and out. And there was a fly just crawling all over the lettuce, and I didn't care. I want the food. Yeah, sure. It's just a fly. That's what they do.

And the woman behind the counter making the sandwich didn't care. But I, like, we both, I could tell we both felt like we were pretending to ignore it. Because she didn't want to be like, oh, get away, fly. You were ignoring the flying elephant in the room. Yeah. And I was going to have to be like, oh, well, you know what? It's okay. Just don't give me that piece of lettuce.

But we both had to ignore it. Wow. That was the end of the story? Yeah, it was just uncomfortable, and I ate the sandwich, and it was good. I thought you put the bread on it, and the fly just stayed there. Listen, when you have to make a podcast every week,

your stories suffer. And then I ate a fly, and I turned into a fly ah now we're going somewhere Dave and then I spent 24 hours on the wall listening to people's conversations some of the walls that I really wanted to be on for a conversation

there was a very Los Angeles experience, I thought, where my girlfriend at the time got a salad. It was like, oh, it's an organic salad. She ate it, and a bug crawled out of it. And she didn't care, but she just wanted to tell the waitress, like, no, there's a bug in there. She's like, yeah, well, it's local, and it's fresh. And she's like, I a bug in this she's like yeah well it is you know it's it's local and it's fresh and she's like i know and then she just ate the salad that's why she's a former

girlfriend yeah the exchange of both these people is like there's bugs in the food yeah there's bugs in your food yeah what are you gonna do about it yeah you can only i don't get oh. You can at least, I don't care. Oh, it is. It's right. It's locally grown. Rinse it off. It's the new worm in the margarita bottle. It means that it's good. This is the good salad. Tequila. Yeah.

Oh, what did I say? You don't buy a bottle of margarita. Essentially roaches in the margarita mix. Same thing. Yeah. Same thing like the tequila. That's how you know it's a good mix um but uh uh if you know how people say my whiskey yeah that's how we do it you know how people say

if i could be a fly on the wall in one of those conversations would would you choose to be a fly on the wall in any conversation not this one in history yeah uh i there was a lot of uh sandwiches i'd like to be a fly on my legs for the first sandwich ever yeah sandwich island exactly jfk's sandwich that he had on his inauguration um i uh i had a thing this was a couple days ago i was uh walking with a friend and a fly landed on his shoulder and it just kind of stayed there and the more it was kind of like a parrot uh thing because it was yeah it wasn't moving it wasn't doing anything it was just like uh this guy's going in the same general direction that i was planning on my wings are tired so it was just this weird perch thing and even when i told my

friend about he's like you know it's like fine it was that same kind perch thing and even when i told my friend about it he's like you know it's like fine it was that same kind of thing like what's he gonna do he's just a fly and i'm like it kind of makes it look like you're dirty well it's certain bugs you have certain uh you know finnish ladybugs remember the ladybug landed on me yeah look at him i was camping. Even myself. There was some log. And it was... We were in distance. Like, what's this?

It's got a strange texture. And it had millions of ladybugs all over it. Absolutely covered everything in this whole area. I guess that's where they hatch for the rest of the world or something, it seemed like. Because there were just millions of them. Was that terrifying? No, I'm right up in there. I'm trying to take pictures of it i'm up close to it like it doesn't bother me at all but if it was a million of any other kind of bug i i would have been

horrified what if a praying mantis landed on you how terrifying would that be what do they do they've got claws and they're pretty big yeah no everything anything big that lands on you that's that's uh terrifying landing on you but seeing that's another one you get up close to. Which one? Praying Mantis. Yeah. That's one you want to take a picture of. Yeah, it's a unique, it's a proud bug.

Yeah, it's one of the prouder bugs. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Not bothered by you. I think that's what I enjoy. Like, oh, yeah, I'm here. I know what I'm doing. Yeah, that's true. They ain't too proud to pray. Is that the? No, that's what i enjoy like oh yeah i'm here i know what i'm doing yeah that's true

they ain't too proud to pray is that the no that's dlc that's a big a big source um we're talking about dinosaurs right i lost my uh flow yeah well i don't know that you ever oh did i ever had it okay um we're talking about flies yeah we're talking well the fly landed on your friend let's start well then it started with the spider thing oh that's right yeah and you're are you you're not a spider fan are you i kind of feel like like there's a social agreement that they're there to kill the other bugs but if i see other bugs and i see spiders i'm like they're not doing that killing y'all and then in my hotel room, there's been flies and then giant daddy long legs right above my computer at the desk.

What? At the hotel, yeah. Which I'm not scared, but... They don't have you staying in a houseboat or something like that, do they? The harbor seal is banging against the hull all night. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep. I actually, I hate spiders so much.

This may be a complete ... It's a household remedy, but my mother told it to me, and it may not hold any water. Apparently, spiders avoid... It was an orange trampoline. It was an orange trampoline that holds water.

Apparently, spiders are afraid of chestnuts, or they avoid chestnuts. Well, they don't like Christmas, so they don't like them when they're roasting on an open fire. Roasting on an open fire, yeah. This is a stretch of the vampire's garlic thing, isn't it? And so today I saw some chestnuts on the ground, and I picked them up, and now I have them by my door. Oh, wow. So I don't know if I'm just some

crazy person now or if that's an actual thing. Somebody told me mice don't like mint. They don't like the smell of peppermint. Which, again, keeping with the hating Christmas theme. Sure.

So candy canes or hand candy canes? Raccoons don't like old VHS tapes With a color purple You put one of those on each garbage can They will not mess with you Do you think it's because raccoons are racist? Is that why?

Pigeons hate old Piercy Sledge records It's because they're picky I went to a Off topic sledge records. That's because they're picky. I went to a off topic. Is this getting to know you? Oh, yeah. Let's get to know you. I used to be a regular

attendee of flea markets and thrift stores. I used to go every week. And I just kind of fell out of the pattern of it. But this week I had to pick up prizes for a show that I'm doing. I always give away, like, thrift store prizes. So I went at opening time at the Salvation Army thrift store. I forgot about this subculture that exists that gets there and lines up at the door.

That is a very subculture yeah and they go there's this area downstairs called the as is section which is kind of all the bric-a-brac like it's everything it's just everything that isn't clothes or dishes basically um so it's like books and toys and you know albums and all sorts of weird shit. And as they brought in the new delivery, there was about, I would say, conservatively, 10 or 11 people surrounding the table, like, waiting to go through it. And, I mean, we're talking, like, just above garbage,

the stuff that's coming off. Like, just, like, you're like, ah, I could throw it out, or I could donate it, level of stuff. And, but these people were pushy oh man like i picked up a a mug and a guy just took it out of my hand wow yeah and i was like oh well i guess i'm not uh i guess that's not for me your mug i'll hang on to the 75 cents i guess and then uh another guy picked up uh like like it was a packaged pair of white painter's pants and he took it out of the package and checked the size. And then it wasn't right for him, but he knew the guy across the table was a 32 34 and said, like, Wayne, pants. Paint my house.

Yeah, I've got a job for you, Wayne. Don't worry about the uniform. So it was this weird, because it wasn't like they were against each other, but they were definitely against me. You were the tourist. Yeah.

I didn't want anything to do with you. They're townies. Who's the new guy? So they really, yeah, they really froze me out. Get your hands off my ceramic pig-shaped salt and pepper shakers. Don't touch the where in the world is Carmen Sandiego puzzle, which I got, guys. Don't give away the prizes. It's a whole bunch of pieces you put together. You solve a puzzle.

You solve a mystery. Yeah, but there's a... First you solve the puzzle, then you solve the mystery. And then you get the warrant. No, you get the loot, the warrant, and then the crook. Yeah, then you get the money, then you get the women. Then you get the power. Oh, it's a complicated puzzle.

Wow. There's a whole lot of beard on that couch right now. Yeah, since Kyle's been in town, you've only been in town for about 24 hours, but I've heard the same thing from about eight people. It's like, this guy's beard. It's just like, I didn't think there was another beard. I'm like, there's other ZZ Top. Oh, sure.

There's a history of beards. I don't think anybody else would let their life go that much. Would you ever have to trim that up for anything? Nope. Nope. Well, that's the thing. You are, you're on the road,

you're doing shows, and I am currently working in an office where people wear shirts with buttons and things like that. Oh, no! Dave just hit his head on the corner of the wall. Shirts with buttons. Shirts with buttons. Send him over. Can you imagine such a thing but well that the problem is is that where i'm working at the moment there's also people doing uh you know kind of building shelves and and doing a couple renovation things so i feel like every time i enter people are like

reno guy like when they see me uh it's a good thing you didn't get those painter's pants well that's not like i had a chance they were going to wayne and fast and come on when was the last time i was a 32 has wayne shown up at your work i remember you new guy yeah new guy he's drinking out of the mug i wanted. You're in my house now, Wayne. Yeah, so, yeah, I don't know. That's my experience. Also, I went to the flea market, which I hadn't been to for almost a year. Fleas?

Huh? Did they have fleas? It's a place that you feel like you could catch fleas very easily. Yeah, I feel like now that there's a bit of a bed bug outbreak in Vancouver. Oh, that bed bug thing. Yeah, that's a real scare. I feel like now a thrift store and a flea market is a place to be avoided. I had a friend who got – his place had bed bugs and he had to get rid of his bed and had to get rid of all of like any clothes that were in the vicinity and all sorts of books

and all sorts of stuff that was close to him. But when that happens I guess you just abandon ship. You just let everything go. My friend had me say, if you want to keep something, you've got to put it in black plastic bags and put it in the sun. Oh, really?

And it's the heat. You've got to cook them out. I know. I found myself... I actually bought a new couch, which is something I've never done in my life. Really? How is that? I've never done that either.

Dave, this is a new thing we're sitting on, but it's not fully a couch. No, I didn't buy it either. How is it to buy a new couch? Apparently you can't haggle with those people something i don't know it felt like couches you can get in there like i'll give you four 450 you know it just seemed like a thing you can do you can if it's on the it's if it's coming out of a van well that's it it looked like furniture stores if it's not an ikea they all look like

shifty places like some stuff's in plastic every time you go there's nobody around but you walk in all of a sudden like just some guy comes out of the back either eating or smoking or doing both yeah yeah you you can't just sit in there all day doing they're laundering money there's something going on these shifty furniture stores you know you know every fifth couch probably has you has weed packed into it. This is a front. You should check your couch. Yeah, this is just a front for it.

Now, like, this is the thing. I've always gotten couches on the basis of here's a free couch. Would you like it? I've never been under the stress of sitting on a couch and being like, ah, is this the one that I want to pay money and have it? But now you have to have the stress of sitting on a couch and being like, ah, is this the one that I want to pay money and have it? But now you have to have the stress of sitting on a couch and saying, is this full of bugs that will ruin my life? Yeah, that's true, hey?

So, yeah. Is that a real fear? Is that a new furniture store? Well, I guess. No, not new, but I would always go on Craigslist or something and get my things. I'd go on some place. Last couch I got, yeah. It's like dog hair all over it and stuff. I'm like, ah, I can wipe that off.

Magazine between the pillows. Old cereal. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. But the new couch, I'm in there. I'm all over it. I'm all over it. Feet up on it.

Cushions off. It's not going to be new for long. Oh, yeah. I break it in at the store. It's yours. Yeah. You're just taking your pants off at the store. Go back in your office, weirdo.

Yeah, you got to know. You can't just look at it. You got to get in there. Get in there. I hate to go into a hacky comedy subject, but what is the age at which someone puts plastic on their couch? Oh. Like an old lady. Do people do that still?

I think the elderly still do. Although they're dying off. Yeah. It's an epidemic. Who's taking my... I think that couches used to come with plastic on them. Isn't that the thing? Oh, like...

Weren't they delivered with the plastic so that... And the old ladies didn't have the strength to pull it off? Or no, they would just be like, this is perfect. You would take it off when you had company because a lot – like I had the living room that nobody ever touched. Like you don't go in there. Oh. And then only when company was around.

So you did that to keep it nice. Right. And then I think old people, I think the judgment of who they thought was worthy just slowly – It's just family. Sit on the plastic. Now you just had kids, they spill things. And then you just, you know, yeah, who's worthy for taking, then it's reserved for like that weird, like what if the president talks about it?

What if the queen talks about it? Yeah. I always thought about that. Did you ever think about that when you were a kid and somebody would say, it's not like the queen is coming, and then you would think about what it would be like if the queen did show up at your house. Yeah. Did you ever think about that?

That was when we were eating at the table. It was always like, you wouldn't do this if we were having dinner with the queen. But, like, if we were having... What would I do? Yeah. I imagine I would have to... Wear one of those shirts with the buttons on it.

I imagine you have to go to class to learn what all the extra forks and knives are for. Oh, yeah. Or do you think that the queen would, if she was slumming, you know, she'd kind of eat the chicken with her hands and, you know, like, I'm one of you guys. She broke down in front.

She was trying to change her own tires. She puts her crown on backwards. Got a handkerchief, like, all right, what do you guys? She puts gloves over top of her gloves. These are my hot wing gloves. Don't tell anybody. I imagine the queen really likes a hot... She's like a connoisseur

on Tabasco sauce. I like the one with Bin Laden on it. I go between an 8 and a 9 usually. So you went to the flea market. Yeah, I went to the flea market. And the weird thing is it goes in waves. Sometimes you go there and it's all people with very kitschy stuff and then sometimes you go there and it's all um you know uh beaded kind of uh muscle guy shirts yeah uh and uh the that was i mean hot hot property i don't know if they beat it yeah uh you know an

ed hardy s oh like like bedazzled bedazz yes. I thought macrame. No, but... I thought like cab driver seat covers. Or tassels with beads on them. But it would be that, but heavily Jesus themed. Oh, okay. So it would be Ed Hardy, but Jesus style. There are many booths dedicated to any kind of Jesus t-shirts. Lots of Jesus t-shirts.

And yeah, I don't know. to any kind of Jesus t-shirts. Lots of Jesus t-shirts. And yeah, I don't know. There's kind of this guy there that has awesome vintage stuff that I'm sure he doesn't sell anything ever because it's all amazing and super expensive. You know what I mean? It's like the guy who's selling Super Nintendo games, he's always

doing great business because he's selling them for $5. And he's right next to this guy who's selling like antique gramophones who never sells like anything ever but his is the best place to kind of look at and then there's like and then there's the guy's booth that's just obviously stolen bric-a-brac hey tools and golf clubs you know just like it's just stolen out of a garage. A pair of shoes. I've never been to the flea market.

It's Saturdays? Saturdays and Sundays. Is it huge? It seems like a big building. Yeah, it's huge. It's in an old, I think it must have been where they used to do cattle auction or something like that. Yeah, so it's like this huge, you know know it's about 12 blocks long or whatever and uh yeah and then you could just rent a table and sell whatever but uh yeah the the new theme is uh uh bedazzled jesus is hot hot hot yeah affliction jesus affliction

jesus said the gaudier the better he was not a humble man i want you to praise me but i want you to sparkle when you do um so yeah that was within my uh week such as it is do you want to uh move on to overheard yeah sure all right overheard overheards if uh you're somebody with a keen enough set of ears and the wherewithal to record it, then this might be the segment for you. We always like to go in order of letting the guests go first. But if you want to shake that up because you've never done overheards before, I understand. I do. I have a few.

This isn't quite an overheard, but it's just a statement that came out of nowhere okay from my i had to go to my tax guy i got a very scary letter from my tax guy i i always get nervous about anything from the government yeah your taxes might be like oh they're just taking money all they want is more money that's like a stick-up thing when you get something from the government in the States, sorry to cut you off, but does it come with a seal that has an eagle on it? Or is that just only for stuff from the president's office?

Or the FBI. I think it's only when you get a presidential fitness award in grade school. You pass the push-up test. You get this plaque. No, normally it's... Yeah, they don't really waste time with that. Okay, because, yeah,

I always think that would be very... It'd be more intimidating to get... Delivered on horseback by a Paul Revere-looking man. Paul Revere. Kevin Costner, perhaps. Sure. Anyone in a tri-corner. Because I always thought it'd be more intimidating

to get a bit of government mail with an eagle on it than a maple leaf flag. Oh, right. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I like getting government mail. Yeah, it's fairly pretty up here. Yeah. Well, because it always has leaves on it.

But it's not. You don't get scared. Like, you don't get it like, hey, you're doing everything right. You know, that's not why you get a letter from government. Oh, we do up here. That's mostly what our government does. That's why it is nicer up here. Hey, Graham, just wanted to say great job out there.

Yeah, keep doing what you're doing. Sign the rest of Canada. It's just a chain letter that goes around. It's just, yeah. Pass this on to ten people. It's like an office, intro office envelope. That's why our national anthem is the theme to pay it forward. Great song, by the way.

So you got a notice from the tax guy. Yeah, so I got scared. I didn't file something. They didn't get enough money out of me for something. So I go to my tax guy. And it's nice that he's very nonchalant right but sometimes you don't want you don't want a guy it seems like i'm going it felt like i was going to like my pot dealer or something to get my taxes he's got an office but you just go in

there and he's got like wacky posters up but he's just going no all this means you filed this way and all this stuff hey are you on facebook like just in the middle of telling me explaining how taxes work which i'm like wait hold on i'm trying i'm trying to take notes like so the 1099 i have to file like this and all these for you you're on facebook right away on the computer right there and he just looks for me which then goes from facebook oh man i haven't been in the movies in a while you know i liked leah thompson i was like oh yeah from back to the't been to the movies in a while. You know who I liked? Leah Thompson. And I was like, oh, yeah, from Back to the Future. Yeah, but it was in All the Right Moves that she was topless.

And he's got a 50-year-old secretary sitting right there. He's like, look up, Blanche, look up Leah Thompson. It was her and that, and then that favorite casual sex. I'm like, oh, yeah. And I'm charmed by his nonchalance. I'm like, yeah, I remember that was Andrew Dice Clay, and he did the thing. I'm like, oh, yeah. And I'm charmed by his nonchalance. I'm like, yeah, I remember that was Andrew Dice Clay. And he did the thing. I'm like, you're my tax guy, man. Why are we talking about this intimidating letter I got?

But that's not quite overheard. It would be overheard if I was in the lobby and heard him going, you know, I like Leah Thompson. I'd be like, I'm going to find a new tax guy. Or if we had his secretary on as a guest. Yeah, her not bothered at all by this. I'm awkward. The door's open. She's right there.

I'm like, yeah, from back to the future. Yeah, but she was topless. Like, that's what he wanted to get at. That was why I liked her, is because she was topless. I used to do accounting for Mr. Skin. A lot of laundering at that place. A lot of laundering at that place. A lot of laundering.

Yeah, you don't really want anybody dealing with your taxes or with your health that has posters on the wall. Check out that. Lamborghini Countach. One day, Kyle. One day.

You're right. Your God cards right. As soon as I stop messing around with all this tax bullshit. What do you mean? You're in charge of my tax bullshit. I ever get me Kutosh. Oh, I found the Leah Thompson clip. Come on.

It's going to show up on my Facebook page. Because as soon as that happened, I'm like, I honestly, I'm like, Oh, I can't wait to write about this online, how weird this was. I can't! He's going to read it! He's your new best Facebook friend. He's my buddy now. Dave, do you have an overheard? We'll circle back around, and then if you have another one,

if you want to bookend it, we can do it that way. I was at a Salvation Army a couple of weeks ago. Your new haunt. Yeah. My 9am haunt. And there was a guy, I was buying a shirt

that seemed like a great shirt, six bucks, got it at home. Oh, there's a giant rip in the elbow. And a blood stain surrounding it. Oh, brother. Looks like this is a short sleeve. No, I literally was like, I wonder what a tailor would cost to turn this into a short sleeve shirt. And how much would he laugh while doing it?

Oh, you paid six bucks for this shirt? Another 20. But behind me in line, there was a guy, and he was buying this piece of Ikea, what do they call that wood? Drift? Particle board? Drift. Yeah, it was like a bunch of little boxes, and it was a shoe rack, I guess. Sure.

And the guy was with his friend, and he said, I'm going to get this shoe rack. Check it out. And he starts counting. He's like, one, two, three, four, five counting 1, 2, 3 4, 5, 6 7, 8 I can fit 8 pairs of shoes in there and his friend goes that's 16 shoes

his friend Rain Man the crappiest version of autism I've ever seen can do any multiplying of 2 The crappiest version of autism I've ever seen. Can do any multiplying of two. I've got a system. I can remember anybody's name that I met yesterday. We're going to go to Vegas and win at shoes.

32. 64. I just buy scratch-off tickets with him. It hasn't been so good. Turns out he cannot see through things. Oh, so great. That's, um... 16 chips. This is the thing, too, is if you ever go to the Salvation Army,

sometimes, I don't understand the system, but it's a government program where people are given a voucher that is redeemable at the Salvation Army, and they're supposed to buy dishes and, you know, essentials to work and whatever. It's pants stamps. But

then, yeah, there's always somebody who's trying to negotiate their clothing voucher so they can walk away with four VCRs. Like it's always some crazy amount of one thing that you only ever need one of. And they're like, but what if I don't buy any pants and you just give me these four VCRs? Yeah, I see people with food stamps at the grocery store trying to... Buy an Us magazine? Yeah, see what they can get with that.

Oh, really? Yeah. Or at the pharmacy, someone who's supposed to be getting methadone trying to negotiate for some lice shampoo. Well, that also is another priority, though. Yeah, that's true. That was their life coach. I heard a woman at the airport Which made me sad Called her people magazine her book

I'm just going to be reading my book It's like calling your soap operas your story Give me my book back You can read it when I'm done Stop hitting that moth with my book It's due back at the library It's got back at the library. It's got the ruler in it.

My mother used to get magazines from the library. Probably still does. Did they come in... The magazines at the library I went to when I was a kid came with a plastic folder over top of it. Oh, no, no, no.

It was kind of in a duotang, basically, so that you wouldn't ruin it. A duotang? Have you ever heard that? Is that a new term? Oh, is that a Canadianism? It might be. I thought it was international, but it's, in school, it's a kind of cardboard thing

with three metal brackets. You would put a book report in it, maybe. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. It would be like a folder, but with the three clips, so you could put the whole punch paper in it. Yeah, yeah, and then you fold the clips over.

They were called duotangs up here. Is that a brand name? Maybe. Yeah, I guess it must have been, because I just thought that's what they were called. But now that I think of it, that's a ridiculous thing. You know, do it, man. It's better than we'd be like, you know, just put it in a thing to make it look nice.

That's what we would say. Yeah, yeah. It's like when I went to England and somebody said aubergine, and I was like, that's a weird name for that. They're like, what is it that you call it again? I was like, an eggplant. It's because it looks nothing like an egg. You were hanging out with some high society in England.

Yeah, aubergines, duotangens. Yeah, I just read there. Sporty spice. My overheard comes courtesy of standing at a bus stop and a woman being on her cell phone and seeing that the person she was talking to on her cell phone was across the street at the train station and yelling into her phone uh oh my god i was just over there and now you're over there oh

my god don't move oh my god and then there was a uh a very crazy looking lady standing at the bus stop who just started making fun of the woman on the phone and going oh my god oh my god oh my god uh it was magic there was magic in the air that night yeah yeah um uh yeah that's uh i like that i like that we should have that person on the show. The crazy person? The person making fun of the, oh my God, lady. Yeah. I feel like she had a natural comic timing that only I was appreciating. Yep.

Because she just right away was making fun of this. Because people fear crazies. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But you're drawn to them. Only when they're buying painter's pants. That, I saw, I had a good crazy experience. Especially when it is the most fleeting of moments.

So that makes it more special. It's like pulling up to a stop sign. Yes. There's a guy at a bus stop in ladies' pants and a Hawaiian shirt. And just, like, didn't, wasn't saying it in the crazy person yelling it to nothing. Right. Or a rapid, it was a very deliberate, slow statement. But the statement was just something like, he's just looking into the sunset,

and he's just like, you know what I mean, bitches. Like, in this Clint Eastwood-esque confidence of just staring just a thousand yards there's you know what i mean bitches and just ladies pants and then the person i was with didn't hear me and just pulled away and i was like that's that's what makes the world beautiful yeah those instances that i that you you will nobody else will experience that thing in the world. It's like, oh, thank you. Just for me. Thank you, universe. Take time to thank the universe for certain things like that.

I think that's the tagline from the movie, Ghost Pimp. Bitches. Did you have another one? Did you have another one? I just, anytime I'm at home and my mom will talk to herself, the one time, the things I've overheard were, how did this bathroom towel get all wet? Toast pimple. Yeah. And then one was, damn it to hell, I just splashed potatoes all over the place. It was just her by herself

in other parts of the house. Splashed liquid potatoes. I just splashed potatoes over the place. Damn it to hell. And then again alone, that's some good shit right there. Just making Lithuanian sausage. These were all in a day.

And then the other one was, those Romanians across the street are real jerks. sausage. These were all in a day. And then the other one was, those Romanians across the street are real jerks. Because that was when she'd stop making food and was just sitting at the table and she'd look out at the neighborhood and it's like, those Romanians across the street are real jerks. Sounds like you ate well then. Sausages and potatoes?

Intentionally, I think I was on Twitter, I'm just like, update number one, update number two. These will continue to do this. Those Romanians, they had the trampoline. No, it was next door to the Romanians. Your mom said, damn it to hell. Yeah.

What are other things, the good mom exc like uh exclamations did she well she would never she was one of those loves to swear but won't take the lord's name in vain oh yeah okay so if you got her to say god damn it that was a big day that was that was equal parts like i did it i really pushed her far i should be scared but then she knew it so that's what she would like she would just say well god damn it like say

like alright now you're pushing it just let it happen it didn't sound I didn't believe you I didn't believe you with that one you're gonna throw your neck out

if you hold your neck yeah yeah yeah god damn it we're good my mama would always say I swear three times in a row if she was really upset she'd be like

shit shit shit, shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It was always kind of a semi-automatic kind of effect. That was another one from that very day. My mom goes, at 10 o'clock, I always sneeze three times. For the troops. Like a reverse moment of silence. for the troops.

Like a reverse moment of silence. Mine didn't swear, but when they did, it was big news around the house. No one swore in the entire neighborhood. There was an ordinance against it. We got a letter from the government. Maple Leaf on it.

I really appreciate you guys not swearing. My dad would just get mad at himself. He would just say, oh, Donald. Wow. Internalize it. Reprimand himself in third person. He would mostly do that if he missed a tennis shot. That sounds crazier than swearing. What do you want me to do?

My dad, he would do a weird kind of guttural thing. He would just go... So you knew that it was serious if he made that uh kind of an elephanty like stomping was about to happen sure yeah my dad he would never get mad but he would put himself he would always make bacon with no shirt on and i guess he would get splattered. It was just a lot of, That shit!

That Christ! That shit! Put a shirt on, man! What are you doing? There's a remedy here. You're a grown man that does this every morning. If you've got a better way to make it, I'll bake it.

Bacon's hot, I get warm. Ultimately, I'm more comfortable despite these small burns I will incur through this method. You don't want me to look ridiculous. I don't want to wear an apron. What am I going to do? Ruin another shirt? He's got buttons.

Yeah. Buy my button-up shirts for this? Do we have... We do. Listener overheards as well. Okay. This first one comes from Matt M. From Houston?

Yeah. Nope. Sorry. From New York. A guy is standing at the corner of Bowery and Houston in New York. A guy is standing at the corner of Bowery and Houston in New York, wearing a suit and frantically yelling into his phone, There's no party! We're going to a hospital!

This is serious! So, there was a party, but it's called off. Or somebody still admits It's not that bad, we're going to the party It's a costume party I will be an axe victim Makes you feel better

You can dress up like a doctor We'll be alright This next one comes from Christine G. Christine, I was talking with my friends the other day, or my friend the other day was telling me about how he was emailing with his 15-year-old nephew a while back, talking about teen angst, etc. My friend brought up music, so the conversation naturally led to one of the angstiest bands of all time, Nirvana. I don't know the intricacies of the conversation, but it ended with his nephew saying, yeah, I remember when I

was young listening to their music, and my mom told me that Kirkle Bane had killed himself. Kirkle Bane. Yeah. Kirkle Bane. Urkel. Yeah.

Kirkelbane. I think I told this story once on the show where the year after, it was like the year anniversary of when Kurt Cobain killed himself. Someone at my high school did a big Kurt Cobain graffiti, and our high school never had graffiti. And so at the assembly that day, day our principal said i know you guys were all big fans of neverna it's like an old woman's name neverna the lady who made the sandwiches kirk cobain's mom. Kurt Cobain's mom. Kurt Cobain's mom, Nerf-er.

I'm so fed that nobody in your town swore you had a trampoline. My town of Vancouver. No, you grew up in Pleasant, Tennessee. No, no, I did. People swore in my neighborhood. There were bad kids. Kids that wouldn't share their candy with you.

Rusty. One kid referred to sex as porking. I didn't care for that. I didn't care for it. But mostly, no, yeah, it was just my family who didn't swear. Porking. That is the worst term for it. It term it really is oh it makes me laugh porking uh yeah because you would never say to a girl do you want to

i think i'm ready to pork all the way uh she just mouth pork me. I had second, I got the third base. We had oral pork. Oral pork. I had pork in the mouth. Guys, I got bacon all over myself. I'm splattering bacon from porking. I should have worn a shirt

while I did that. While I porked. And this final one comes from Beth M. Beth, I live in the Dallas area and I'm required to travel to car dealerships

in small towns outside of the DFW Metroplex as part of my job. Contrary to popular belief, we do not ride horses to work, nor do we all live on ranches in Dallas. I didn't believe that for a second. Maybe in Fort Worth. Yeah, sure.

I'm what would be considered a big city girl in those rural towns. Today I happened to overhear part of a conversation that I was a little shocked to hear. Lady 1, it's very prevalent in volleyball and softball. Lady 2, really? At first I was only half paying attention, but the statement from Lady 1 made me tune in as I was thinking there was no way she was talking about what I thought she was talking about. Lady 1, oh yes, well I know in softball the straight ones wear ribbons in their hair. Lady 2, this is college?

Lady 1, oh no, it's in high schools now too. They're well known to be in those sports, so I always make sure my Lacey is wearing ribbons in her hair. Oh, my. To keep her from the... Yeah, you don't want any unwanted attention. From the devil's relations. The devil's porking. The devil's porking. So if you want to

send in an overheard, you can send it to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. And if you would like to call in with an overheard, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Justin in Webster, Texas. New bumper, but I've listened to all your episodes 1 through 83 right now, and I have an overheard for you. I work in a grocery store overnight.

I stock groceries. and overheard for you. I work in a grocery store overnight. I stock groceries. And while I'm standing on my aisle, on the other aisle, I can hear two girls talking quite loudly. And I hear one of them say to the other,

no, it's not really a gonorrhea itch. It's a new itch. I just don't know. It's weird. But she's familiar with the gonorrhea itch. Well, we know it's not a seven-year itch, because it's a new itch. Gonorrhea is more of a burning, am I right? Yeah, I guess. I don't know the difference.

I know gonorrhea is the funniest sounding one. No, I think syphilis is, because I always had a friend who called it sniffalificus. You gotta make light of a rough situation. That's right, you gotta give you gotta laugh. Herpes, the god of the burning pain. It's a new itch

on top of the gonorrhea. It's gonorrhea with something else. I know what this itch is over here, but it's an itch on top of that. It's kind of like when you're eating something and you're like, is that cinnamon? Is that nutmeg? What am I tasting? What is that? Oh, it changed.

It's like a very textured, it's a layered. Yeah, what am I itching? It's a very sophisticated itching and burning. It's got depth. Did Wolfgang Puck do this? When I had sex with Wolfgang Puck. Did he do this? All right, next one.

Hi, this is Mary Claire from Nashville, and I'm calling in with an overheard. I work as a waitress in a P.F. Chang's Asian restaurant, and I was delivering some food, and this one woman goes, well, I hope this isn't really spicy, because I don't want to have to take Grandma here back to the hospital and miss Glee. You hear that, lady? You better not die on me. The spiciness would send Grandma to the hospital and ruin the debut. Not to mention, was it Grandma or Grandpa? I think it was Grandma.

It sounded like Grandma, yeah. Grandma will just continue eating through horrid pain. This is so spicy! Oh, God! But I'm starving. Now, is P.F. Chang's, is that a chain? Yeah, and I always insist on calling it Peter Francis Chang. For no reason.

I just want people to start thinking that his full name is Peter Francis Chang. Have some respect. P.F. the Dragon Chang. Peter Franklin Dragon Chang. And finally... Hey guys, this is Allie in Riverside, California, and I'm calling in with an overheard. Franklin Dragon Chickens. And finally. Hey, guys. This is Allie in Riverside, California, and I'm calling in with an overheard. About a year ago, I was teaching my first class at our local university,

and I am only about three, maybe four years older than my students. And we were waiting outside the door for the other class to come out before we went in. And two of my male students were kind of looking around at everybody. And one of them says to the other, hey, do you know who our TA is? And the other guy said, no, I don't really know. Like, I think I saw her maybe once. And the other guy was like, well, is she hot? And the other guy was like, I think I saw her maybe once and the other guy was like, well, is she hot? And the other guy

was like, I don't know. So we walk into class after the other class is finished and I walk up to the front and start writing stuff on the board. These two guys sit right in front of me, realize I'm the TA, realize I heard their conversation and neither of them

ever came back to the class. We're dropping out. It sounds like they had much more sinister plans. Is she hot? It's okay to be like, oh, I'm kind of embarrassed. Is she hot and strong looking? Or is she hot and weak? I don't remember.

Actually, she never told us if she was hot or not So please call us back and tell us She sounded hot, am I wrong? Yeah She had a hot phone voice Well if she wasn't when she made that phone call And then my ugly face marched in And they quit college on behalf of my looks That's me, old Mrs. Kettersmith and they never, they quit college on behalf of my looks.

That's me. Old Mrs. Cantor Smith. TA stands for turn around. I'm sick of looking at you. We've had a lot of fun. I think we did. If you want to write to us again, it's stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com or you can

call us at 206-339-8328 now kyle you're about to embark on a huge kind of is you said oh yeah i'm embarking all over the place man so is it uh kyle canane.com is that where people should go to find out if they're uh traveling yeah they're traveling to their hometown there's a little show calendar button right there at kKanane.com. Or if you Google my name, it's Shooting for Third is the name of the website. Cool. Because I don't market well, and it should just be Kyle Kanane. I try to make it very difficult for people to enjoy.

I figure if you can get through the forest of bullshit I've set up, then you're a real fan. And if Kyle's coming to your town and you want to make him continue to think that small towns are cool, get ready with some sort of awesome store that he can go to. Yeah. This is the time to set up that dream shop. Yeah, some awesome hip vinyl record store

and I'll look at things and pretend I know that they're... Or a booth that just sells Super Nintendo games for five bucks. Yeah, exactly. If you want to get rid of the real money. And your album is available online? That's online. I'll probably have it at some of the shows, too. You can buy a hard copy at aspecialthing.com.

It's super funny. It's a really, really funny album. Thanks, man. And it's $5 on Amazon right now. Which is fantastic. It's super funny. It's a really, really funny. Thanks man. Uh, and it's $5 on Amazon right now. So it's just fantastic. Yeah. You can't beat that. Yeah.

That's like mad magazine. Cheap. Yeah, exactly. What him worry? No, uh, we don't have anything to plug.

Do we? Um, let's see. When does this come out? Uh, no, I don't think so. All right.

Well, uh, thanks everybody for listening. And again, thanks again for being a guest on the show. thanks for having me. Oh, don't think so. Alright, well, thanks everybody for listening, and again, thanks again for being a guest on the show. Thanks for having me. It's our pleasure. If you enjoyed the show, please tell your

friends, and come on back next week for another porking episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.