Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 134 - LIVE with Eddie Pepitone

Episode Date: October 5, 2010

Comedian Eddie Pepitone joins us live from the Vancouver Comedy Festival to talk Tony Danza, CSI, and Smurf movies.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hey! Hello! Hello, everybody! Thank you very much for coming out to a special live edition of...

Stop podcasting yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man who's best seen live, and his favorite live band is the band Live, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, that's true. Their placenta fell to the floor. Is that right? Yeah. Lightning strikes.

Crashes. Lightning crashes, Graham. Excuse me. And we're very fortunate and lucky. This is the Vancouver Comedy Festival. We have a very funny man as a guest. You may have seen him on Flight of the Conchords or the Sarah Silverman Show. He's one of my favorite comics, and he's here today. Mr.

Eddie Pepitone is our guest. Round of applause. Thank you. You're lucky to see me. Good for you. Good for you. I wish I were you. No, I'm told I'm very funny, but I can never enjoy it.

I wish I were you. You should video more often. I should video more often. I should video more often. Should we get to know us? Yeah, let's do that. We've got a theme for that, too. How do you like that? Wait for it. Get to know us.

I sound good. See? That's the thing. I don't ever get to know you. You guys produce the hell out of this show. Oh, yeah. When we don't perform in front of an audience, we don't add the music until afterwards. Yes.

And we're realizing why. Because we just have to sit here on our hands and look at each other as the song we've heard a thousand times plays. Yeah. I don't know why you've heard it a thousand times. Oh, I edit the show. Oh, right.

Thank you so much for coming out, people. I know there's a lot of people here. They got free tickets. And so, welcome. I know there's ten of them. So, thank you very much for coming out. Eddie, did you just get into town? Yes.

I flew in from L.A. about a couple hours ago. And you've been to Vancouver before. You know the land. Yeah, a little bit. I really like Vancouver. Very nice city, everybody. And I'm not kissing your ass. I like that it's raining, by the way.

L.A. is just a hellhole of sunshine. It really is. You wouldn't think that you feel bad about about sunshine but after a while you just want to kill yourself how long because every day it's like a flash it's just like this bright flashlight that and and in los angeles it's just like why aren't you on csi miami like if you're an actor there it's just like why is your career stalling? It's all about the fucking acting career. Are you telling me that CSI Miami is not shot in Miami?

Uh-oh. I don't want to start fucking you up. How long have you been in L.A.? Because you're from New York originally. Yes, I'm a New York guy. I've been in L.A. seven years. And it's like. Yes, I'm a New York guy. I've been in L.A. seven years. And it's like The Shining. It's like I feel like I've always been there. You know when they tell Jack Nicholson, you've always been here, Mr. Torrance.

I feel like I've always been there. There's a ghost bartender in your apartment. Yeah. Same drink. You fucked up the audition at CSI Miami again. You know they don't film it in Miami Eddie is that why you fucked up the audition did you go to Miami

I went to Miami what an asshole you just start asking around I was two days late for the audition I'm shattered I can't believe it is CSI Las Vegas shot in the morning too? I don't even want to broach that subject with you. Next we'll be talking about Santa Claus. Fuck that.

I know that Santa Claus was shot in Los Angeles. Santa Claus was shot? Thank you. This is going great so far. Yeah, this is it. I'm trying to look around. Yeah, I feel like, how about I do this? What if I do that?

I like that better. Yeah, right? I'm such an asshole. We've got these mic stands like we're on a panel. Like it's a press conference. About entrepreneurs. This is good. This feels better.

Yeah, no, I feel like when it's that, I feel like I've written a book. And I'm like, yes, I believe we're descended from fish. I did no research to figure this out. No research. So you've been to Vancouver before. Have you been touring

around or is it all, you're doing all auditions? Lately I've been touring around a little. I've been uh you guys know pat noswald i went yeah he's a big he's a funny man weird looking fella but very funny uh i opened for him in uh atlanta and athens georgia this club where rem and the b-52s got started in athens georgia georgia called 40 watt that was that was a riot and the B-52s got started in Athens, Georgia, called 40 Watt. That was a riot.

Are the B-52s still hanging out there? I don't know where they are now. A lot of B-52 fans. Not really, huh? Rock Lobster? No? Well, were they supposed to get an applause break? I know, right?

I'm just a needy performer, and when there's no reaction, I just crumble. No matter what. Yeah, so I did that with Patton, and then I did Bumper Shoot Festival in Seattle. We saw you at the Bumper Shoot. Oh, that's right. You had just earlier in the day been punched in the face. You believe that? I'm not a violent guy.

No. Some guy punched me in the face because I said, watch where the fuck you're going. I know I had a part in it. Believe me. I've always said that. He came right at me. In New York, you just do a lot of talking.

Like, fuck you. And then everybody just scatters, you know. But this guy came right at me. I was like, Jesus Christ, Seattle. Did you have the moment where it slowed down when you knew, like, just before the fist? Like, you're like, this is going to be the worst. No. You know what happened?

I had all my long-distance glasses, so I was right in his face, and I didn't even see it coming. But I wasn't hurt or anything. It takes a lot to knock a guy like me. Graham, you seem to know a lot about being punched in the face. Are you a veteran? I'm not a veteran, but I've been punched in the face. And I feel like, I don't know if it's just my experience or if it's universal that there's a second just before it hits where your brain suddenly goes like, we should have ducked.

But it's way too late. You know what it was for me similar to that was I was in this bizarre, after the guy hit me, I was like in this bizarre surreal state because I'm 51 and I haven't been in a fight for about 30 years or more. And I was in this bizarre surreal state.

Like, am I in a fight? Yeah. No, I just got hit. In bumper shirts? This is a nice festival. With bands and what the hell is going on? It was really surreal. I couldn't believe that the guy hit me.

Yeah, it's always like, I mean, there should be a show where people just talk about getting punched in the face. That is true. Or like confrontations. Like there should be a show about violent confrontations that people have had. Because it's so emotional, you know, the fight or flight thing. Because then what happened with me is my glasses, I had just paid like a lot of money for these. I ran and got them. And then he already was walking away. And then I was in that fight or flight thing

where I was like, do I go for this? I mean, he was bigger than me, much younger, but I was still like, do I go for this? Do I go all in? And I followed him for a little while. And the only thing that came out of my mouth was I'm going to report you, And the only thing that came out of my mouth was, I'm going to report you, which was like me saying, I'm telling. And that's it. And then that was it. That was my whole fight experience. I remember a fight that I watched in high school where the fight went on.

It was in the, there was a lacrosse court, Not lacrosse court. Okay. Whatever it is. But it was all fenced in. Okay. And so it was kind of like Thunderdome. Sure. A little bit. UFC.

Yeah, exactly. And these two guys fought, and the one guy lost. And then everybody had kind of lost their bloodlust and was like, oh, okay, great. This was a sanctioned fight or a street fight? No, this was a high school fight. Oh, a high school fight. That's unsanctioned. Unsanctioned.

Yeah. By two of the three governing bodies. That's just two people in the wild. Yeah, exactly. And a bunch of kids going, fight, fight, fight. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And so it was at the end of the fight, the fight was over, and then some kid threw his Slurpee on the guy who had lost, and everybody was like, mmm. Oh. Too much.

We liked the part where you beat him up, but that's just humiliating. Well, the community spoke out then. Suddenly we were a community. Of course, we are a community even though it's unspoken. In Seattle, no one helped me at all. Were there witnesses?

Yeah, there were people around, but nobody did anything. No one threw a slurpee at you, though, at least. No. Do you remember when the lady was attacked on the SkyTrain platform? I love that the show's about violence. Were you there? No, no, no. There was a story, and this lady got attacked

and on the sky train platform nobody helped her everybody's like i'm not seeing it and uh this was on the news and they reported it like that like nobody helped this woman and then the last kind of note was and she was a mail carrier so she was dressed like a person that shouldn't be assaulted or whatever right like it was like if she was homeless, like, she probably had it coming. Because, right? But mail carriers deserve our respect. Yeah, a mail carrier,

she has a job. Well, the person who assaulted her probably was just sick of getting bills, don't you think? Have you seen my no-junk bills?

But it reminds me of the, there's a show on TV called What Would You Do? And it's like a hidden camera show. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, it's like this close to being a prank show. But it's like, hey, someone's yelling at a kid.

Do you step in? Oh, what? So they set up a thing where it's like a moral. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Or it's like someone's slipping something in a lady's drink. Will you drink it? So it's just unsuspecting people being judged for being like,

not my problem, lady. And a lot of really brave, shrill women being, no, sir, you do not! Have you ever heard of the show? No. Is that a Canadian show? No. It's on ABC, Friday nights, if you don't go out.

ABC? Yeah. Is that like a quote-unquote reality thing? I think it's a hybrid. Yeah. They're trying to break into the, what's the, to catch a predator market. I like that you were searching for it. Like, you know, it's that thing that they use. I just hate all those shows because they're all about cheap production value and they're all about not paying actors.

You know what I mean? It's like all these people in Hollywood are like, how can we fucking not pay actors? Let's do a thing where a guy roofies someone and see if someone says something. We don't have to pay fucking anybody for that. And then people watch that shit. Yeah. Am I not supposed to be cursing? No, this is all...

Because I curse so much, I just have a bad life. I like this theater because it's like back at the back of a bar. It's like comedy was illegal. It's like you pretend you're going to a restaurant. It's like the apocalypse has happened out there and we're addressing everybody. Look, we have to forage for food after this podcast. All right? So right after the podcast, we'll protect each other and forage for food.

That's it. It has that feel to it. We talk about one of those night people attacked me yesterday. The podcast is all just about how to survive. That would be a good podcast. Like, we use the radio signal that they have in those movies where it's like, join us at the pavilion. There are survivors.

And we're just like, you know, it's weird. Remember? Like you lighten people's light. Like there's only 40 people left in Vancouver. Welcome to another podcast. And they're like, tell us where you are. They're like, oh,

I was so, I got so full last night that ice cream. I'm so glad we discovered the bakery. The only untainted one in this area. Anyways.

What's going on with you, Dave? Well, you know, I saw know I saw an ad for this new Tony Danza TV show He's got a new show? There was an audible ugh in the audience He's got a new show? Speaking of unpaid actors

It's a reality show He has his teaching degree And he teaches high school students And it's unscripted how to act badly or how to play someone named tony what what about this is a slogan uh i went from a o to a b c to a plus uh why didn't that get anything because i I just Because he used to say A-O O-A And the slogan for it is

Tony Danza's toughest role yet Teaching kids As opposed to his many tough roles Where he played himself Where he memorized lines So that looks good I'm looking forward to that this season so is he qualified to teach i think so how in uh public schools oh sure it's like everyone's got a chip in he only teaches them about the brief beard he He was on Taxi. Yeah. And then the Who's the Boss years.

That sounds terrible. Do you watch any television? Or are you so immersed in it that you just can't participate? I do watch some. I really don't like to watch comedies, though. Yeah, okay. Because I do comedy all the time. And I'm like, I just like to see horrific.

Like, I love true crime stuff. Like that is how I relax. Like, oh good. Someone's getting murdered by their wife. You know what I mean? Like that's how, what I like. I, I don't want to see jokes and stuff like that cause I write them all day or just do comedy all day. So I like when people are getting murdered. So like the, uh, but only the true crime stuff. Like I hate the script. I just hate... I hate all those television shows, like all the procedurals. Okay.

What the fuck with this forensic shit? What is this? God, you just got to... If you kill someone these days, you just better burn your clothes. They find everything apparently. Just a little hair, a little anything. Shave your head, burn your clothes. Shave your head, right?

Just be careful, folks. Not easy to murder someone. Watching those CSI shows and stuff, I remember there was a thing when it first was like at its maximum popularity, enrollment in criminal investigation forensics went

through the roof, and they would be so disappointed. Because, you know, they put it in the machine and then 10 seconds later... Yeah, where's all the cool lighting? And how come I don't get to carry a gun? And why is so much of this just... Oh, you're talking about the difference between television and the reality of the job?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people enrolled thinking, I'm going to get myself some of that Horatio Cain pussy, right? Am I right? Some of that what pussy? Horatio Cain? He's the David Caruso's character. Oh, okay.

Your potential co-star, CSI? I can't stand that guy. But I also heard when CSI was at its most popular, there was another thing going on where criminals got wise to all these things. Did they? Yeah. Oh, really? Well, because no actual police force has the resources to get all your semen.

Oh, I see. Oh, they'd have to fucking spend a lot of time with me over the years. Holy Christ. Because that's the only way they can know. They've got to get every drop. Guys. It's like a jigsaw puzzle. You have to put it back together.

So you said you hated David Caruso. Is that a personal vendetta? Oh, I don't know him. I just can't stand his acting and his character. Like, I'm one of those

bitter actors who hasn't made it big and whenever I watch an actor on television who's very popular, I just go, what a piece of shit. I like Clooney, though.

Like, I like certain guys, you know, but Caruso I can't stand. Like he's just like, hey you got that? I don't know. That's my impression of David Caruso. Hey, get the semen. Just get the semen for Christ's

sake. Get the semen and I'm gonna just. Get the semen, and I'm going to just, I'm going to walk over here and look very intense, and then I'm going to tell this mother that her son was killed, and that's going to be quite a moment. Those shows are all so predictable. It's like, your son just got knifed in the throat. That's some on-the-nose dialogue.

They're all so morose, those shows, too, aren't they? They're just about people getting murdered and people are betraying each other and everybody's unhappy. It's like, fuck you. Fuck you, idiots. My favorite feature of those shows has always been that they have to explain the things that they're doing because the dummies at home won't be able to, like, figure it out.

And so they're like, I used trajectory. And trajectory is, and you're like, maybe I don't need to know. Maybe you just write some witty dialogue. One of the co-workers is like, yeah, I know what you're doing. I trained you. Why do you keep telling me what trajectory is? Stop talking about the cyclotron. Get the semen.

Start putting together the semen. Put on the glow light. Let's find the semen in this fucking place. The semen trajectory. Oh. Let's find the semen in this fucking place. The semen trajectory. Oh, Lordy. Oh, boy. And I also, speaking of someone who, when I said the Tony Danza thing, someone made that.

I made that noise earlier today when I saw someone riding their bicycle. And they were wearing a blue helmet with Viking horns on it. Oh yeah, right. Look at me! My life may be a shambles but what do you think of this helmet? Their horn is just

do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. His wife is like, just ride the bike out. Get the fuck out of the house for a little bit. You lost your license. That doesn't mean that you have to do all that. Yeah, you lost your license. Just put on the Viking helmet and get out of the house. Oh, you're already wearing it.

He just wears it around the house. And you saw it and you were just like... Poking things with it. He comes out with theiroking things with it. Yeah. He comes out with their bras hanging off it. New York is chock full of people like that. Like, I hated the people... In being New York, do you have any guys like this

who, like, walk around with freaking parrots on their shoulders? It's like, dude, really? Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. Sorry. It's beating. Yeah, we had a... I'm sorry No, it's okay Sorry It's beating Yeah, we had a spill CSI that

Yeah How is that happening? Scotchgard You guys are really You think of everything on this podcast I know Scotchgard this thing Pepitone's coming on

He's going to definitely hit the table I had a friend we were driving over it was the Burrard Bridge and he nearly drove off the bridge when he saw somebody wearing a snake on their shoulder oh yeah

it wasn't because he was scared he was so angry he said fuck this guy and hit the steering wheel and it nearly went right off the bridge why was he angry? He just hates it that there's somebody with a pet on their shoulder. He just hates it so much. Snakes,

they're not for just strippers. That should be the slogan of the guy selling snakes. Out of the back of his car. Out of the back of his car. Snakes! Snakes! Got a fresh litter. They're not just for strippers, kids. Come on. That'd be funny if people were buying snakes all over the

place out of there. You got a boa? Let's get to know you, Graham. What's up with you, buddy? Here's the thing that happened to me. I've been taking the train regularly, and there's a thing in Vancouver, and I don't know if this is a universal thing with a train. We just recently got kind of our first subway-style train. Six-inch foot long. Dumb, sorry. Never mind. That's a terrific joke. Yeah.

Terrific joke. Yeah. People don't get the people have to get off the train before you can get on the train thing. In New York, that's fucking crazy. Is it the same thing? Yeah, except it's like 10 million people doing that. It's like, you know, people. And like I was always one of those people who would get pissed at that. Like if I'm getting off, the etiquette should be let me off before you.

And the people who would just barge in, I would just go, the human race sucks. Don't you just write off people when they do shit like that? I thought we were intelligent people, but we're not. So what happened to me was it was the other morning and people were trying to get off and there was a big crush kind of pushing forward. And then this one young lady decided she was going to be the marshal of this situation and was just like, all right, everybody, move back. Come on, move back. Let's get these people off the train first. Move back.

And so everybody did. Everybody was like, oh, I guess she's in charge. She was a civilian? Yeah, she was a civilian. but she really took charge of the situation might have been undercover yeah well did she have a viking helmet and so we all moved back and then she bolted onto the train like she as soon as we were back she was like got it i can't believe it was that easy. She's probably at home later in double indemnity going, they fell

for it again. Sipping a cocktail. Do you guys want a wet willy? Yes, we do. Never mind. I'm going to stop talking. It's just she outsmarted everyone and stuck their finger in her ear. That reminds me of an old AO ABC joke.

Oh, boy. On A&E. Would that have made it any better? No. Damn it. Tony Danza screwed me again. Remember when he had a talk show and he used to sing at the end of every talk show?

And he'd do a jazzy number with the piano. You know the piano and like, you know the producers were like, why did we? So are you saying we're not going to sing at the end of this? That would be good. Especially if you guys don't sing. It's our first time, yeah.

So have we covered all the... I think we covered all the things we wanted to do in the Get to Know Us. Wait, did we talk about Viking helmets? Did we talk about semen trajectory? Yeah, sure. All right. Thank God.

Okay. Check. Do we want to move on to Overheard? Let's move on to Overheard. Overheard. Big payoff there. Clearly we have sang before. Yeah, if I had known all those years ago that that theme would still be around.

Yeah, you should have signed up with whatever, the publishing. Never mind. Guys, I'm usually good for like half an hour of podcasting, so we're getting there. I know when they said 50 minutes, we were like, in a row? You know, this podcast you've recorded over the course of a day. We have a nap. We go to the park. Come back. We do another

10 minutes. We cut. You Skype it. We Skype it. I'm lying in bed. Overheards is our perennial segment. If you are somebody that listens to things, which I think you are, and you've overheard something hilarious. Did somebody tell you about this segment? Probably.

Did you tell them? I did. All right. You did, and I just remembered it when you played that music. And I was like, fuck. We could start. Yeah, we'll go first. Yeah, you guys start, and I'll think of what I overheard. Do you want to take it away, Dave?

Yeah, well, we don't usually perform in places like this. We'll usually be in a comedy club or a science lab. Or some sort of jazz club. That's what comedians do. We're not usually in an actual theater theater where actors act. You mean you don't do it live? Is that what you mean? We don't do it live every week.

This is a special occasion. Yeah, but we don't. You're welcome. We're not usually around, or I'm not, around places where actual plays take place. And there's, I didn't know, I don't know if this happens in every green room, but in the green room at this theater, actors have written things all over the wall.

Oh, that's a tradition. Little bits of wisdom. Sure. And so there's a lot of like really, really heavy stuff. Like they call it life, so live it. Oh. That's not a good sign for a theater company, if it has stuff like that. Don't take the easy way out, take the artist's way in.

What does that mean? That just means don't kill yourself. That's what it means. Yeah. It means be poor forever. That's the kind of wisdom that when you hear it at first, you're like, oh, that's really profound. And then one tenth of a second later, you're back going, okay, what do I get to eat? What do I need?

But amongst all this fake profound stuff, someone has written, all women are whores, and someone else wrote over top of the word whores, they changed it so it says, all women are wholesale. Well done. Pretty clever stuff, I think. For an actor. I actually saw a play here a couple of weeks ago, like a week and a half ago,

and there was a leak in the roof. It's still there. Is it still there? Is that right? There, it's right there. There's a big puddle. Where's the leak? Okay. And so what was happening, though, was the girl who was on stage was running around like crazy.

And I was just sitting there on the edge of my seat like, please don't die. Please don't die. Because she didn't know. And everybody else was like, oh, fuck. And the puddle kept getting bigger and bigger. They were doing West Side Story. Bad time to have a leak. Ah, fuck.

Not on a musical. It wouldn't be Bad death of a salesman but a musical a leak ah shit by the way was that your overheard thing yeah that was it boy I'll tell you that to me is cheating because that was not overheard

he read something he read a wall that'd be funny if my overheard was I'll tell you what I overheard as I read this book. And Jesus, it had some shit that'll knock your socks off. There's the Da Vinci Code. My overheard comes courtesy of the train. And I was on the train with this couple.

I guess the lady of the couple decided it would be really fun to do a crossword together on the train. Together, like everyone? No, well, it might as well have been because she was really broadcasting. What do you think this is? What about that? And her boyfriend. It wasn't the same woman who told everybody back, was it? Everybody, we're gonna go

crossword now! I got six down! Something that can stop a leak! So her... Her boyfriend is so just disinterested in this and she keeps

saying the things like a seven letter word for this and he's just like I don't care. And then at one point she gives him a really easy one. She goes a five letter word for fake duck.

It's D-E-C blank Y. And he goes, decay. Not even a little bit of effort. I was thinking it was tofurkey, but that would not fit in five letters. See, but you're somebody who's wanting to participate.

This guy was just like, decay, fuck it. I guess I'm wrong. Oh, well. Let me go through the alphabet. Decay, that's it. Let me go through all the available vowels. We got to A, that's the one. No, that's his way of saying, look, I tried playing your fucking game, all right?

Now can I go back to this science fiction book, which I'm hoping will take me far, far away from here? We did Sudoku already. Okay, fine. You know what? I'd check out. He's done. Can you recall and overheard from your life? Well, I was in Ikea.

Do you have that out here? I was in Ikea, and I heard a couple fighting, and it was the funniest thing. I heard a guy turn to his wife, and he said, don't go Shutter Island on my ass, Margaret. And I thought that was really funny because the movie had just come out. And I thought, this guy's brilliant. Like, he must take any movie that just comes out and uses it in his marriage. Like when RoboCop came out, I'm sure he did something with that. You're being a real piranha right now, lady.

Don't go machete. Don't go Shutter Island on my ass, Margaret. Oh, man. And everybody knew what that meant. And he said it loudly. It was funny. It was funny. Are you an Ikea fan?

No, I'm not. I'm not because I recently had two dresses fall apart on me. Like I bought one. I was like, all right, let me get this out from Ikea. It's cheap. I don't have a lot of money. And so within two weeks, it fell apart. And the idiot I am, I'm like, well, let's go back to Ikea because I don't have a lot of money.

And it fell apart again. And then a light went off. Because I'm like that. I fucking know after two dressers that I'm not going back. So I just fold my clothes and keep them on the floor. Are you a fan of... No, no. No, nobody's a fan of Ikea. Yeah, really.

Are there fans? there's some people who go and their whole place is done you know my house right you guys don't talk about ikea it does yeah and uh like my girlfriend we go we see a movie and she she points out things in the movie that's from ikea oh i know i know i hate when people do have you ever had that where you see in a tv show or a movie and they characters in the movie have the same phone as you? Yeah, yeah. And then somebody goes, I have that phone. Yeah.

Or the same shirt. Oh, God. Or if it's with your parents, that's our phone. That's my bathrobe. I am one of those idiots, though, because I live in L.A. now and they do a lot of exteriors in L.A. And I'm like, oh, that's fucking La Brea. That's where I got my coffee a couple of years ago isn't that funny

how just because it's on a movie screen you think that validates your life like I walked down that street once I must be somebody it's a matter of public record

it's a matter of public record where I got my coffee do we want to move on to another segment we've got a couple record where I got my coffee. Do we want to move on to another segment? We've got a couple. How much time do we have here? It's going by like it's a beautiful, beautiful dream this show. We've got like 15 more minutes. 15 more minutes. Okay. We have two

segments that we could do possibly. Do you think we can do both in 15 minutes? The one I have prepared takes no time. Do you want to do yours first? minutes. The one I have prepared takes no time. Oh, good. Do you want to do yours first? Nope. Oh, okay. All right.

All right. We have a couple different segments that we do on occasion, and one of them is one of my personal favorites. It's called Fake Band, Real Band. And do we have a theme?

Yep. Okay, here we go. We're gonna play a game. It's called fake band, real band. You know it's true. So now everyone is invested in it. You guys were nominated for an interstitial award, right? That's incredible interstitial stuff.

Yeah, we swept the stitchies. The stingers. For best interstitial Of a fake band The nominees are Stop podcasting yourself So the premise of fake band real band Is in movies And in television shows

They'll often come up with a fake band To further the plot And they'll name that band something wacky And you and you yeah you're you're we have names graham dave and eddie um you guys are going to try and guess just from the name of the band is it a fake band that appeared in a movie or television show or is it a real band that exists in real life okay all right and you don't want us to cheat i don't want you to cheat so uh. So, okay.

Let's see here if we can. We'll start out. I think this is relatively, this will be fairly simple. Dingoes ate my baby. I'm going to do the obnoxious thing and ask for audience help. Oh, okay. Yeah. Do I get a landline?

Yeah. Honey, I'm in Vancouver. I'm playing fake band, real band. You know it. What do you mean one of the cats got out? I don't want to talk about that now. I'm live. That'd be my landline call.

She hung up. Okay. Sweetheart. I'm sorry about last night. I know I always go soft before I have to travel. Honey, please don't start. This is fake ban, real ban. All right.

Dave, do you have a guess? Let's say fake-ish. You're going to say fake? Yeah. I'm say fake-ish. You're going to say fake? Yeah. I'm going to say real. You're going to say real. It is actually, it is a fake band. It is Seth Green's band from the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

God damn it. No, because bands, when they name them, it's so random. Yeah. It's so random, like the Flying Endive Salad I recently saw. I'm kidding. That was a fake band, but you believed it. See what I mean? You could make up anything, you know? The Shutter Island

Assholes. That would be a good band. That's pretty good, actually. We are the Shutter Island Assholes. Fuck you. Good night. We are learning to love ourselves through therapy they just talk to the crowd about their therapy we they never play anything

we're not actually a band we have six different personalities because we were never loved and they go on and on and bore the shit out of people alright your next band is Killer Dwarves. Does anybody know Killer Dwarves? Killer Dwarves.

I'm just going to switch it up and say real. You got to say real? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be a detective like CSI. Okay, here we go. The audience didn't react at all. Now, if Killer Dwarves was a real band, I think somebody would have went,

and I was looking. No, somebody would have been, I know Killer Dwarves. They played at my cousin's bat mitzvah. Because that's usually what bands like that wind up doing. They usually play bat mitzvahs. I'm going to say fake. You're going to say fake?

You're saying real. And the correct answer is, it is a real band from Oshawa, Ontario. It's a metal band from the 1980s. The Killer Dwarves. Did anybody know that? Oh my god! Really? Boy, you're poker

players out there. Honey, don't move don't move he's gonna read you if you move let him guess he's a little jet lag don't even blink i know you know it anyway sorry all right rump rangers All right. Rump Rangers. You could say any words and we could play this game. Any fucking words. There's even a band called The The, isn't there? Yeah, The The. I mean, all right.

Rump Rangers, I'm going to say fake. You went fake real. You're not going to go fake real fake. I'm going to go it's real. You're not going to go fake real fake. I'm going to go it's real. You're going to say it's real. It is real. God damn it. I haven't gotten one yet.

I feel like Ralph Fiennes in Quiz Show. They are a techno group from Mexico, in case anybody's wondering Who the Rump Rangers Oh, I thought you meant Rafe Fiennes and Quiz Show He is a techno group That'd be a good name too We are Rafe Fiennes and Quiz Show Alright Let's say

We've got You want to do like fake science theories and real science theories. You know, like Big Bang and then something else like string theory morons. What about Tupperware death? Fake.

Fake. I'm also going to go fake. You're both wrong. They're a heavy metal band from Mexico Oh Is it that Mexicans just They get an English dictionary And they go Open no close

Alright How many more of these do we need No Let's give one to the audience Okay Let's see if the audience says it. No, let's see if they can do it. Yeah.

No, because I see I'm getting judged. No, a lot of people out there are like, he hasn't guessed one yet. Look at that. He doesn't know Rump Rangers. Can you believe it? Christ's sake. Okay. Here's the band.

This is for the audience. And maybe a show of hands fake reel. Okay. Look, all of a sudden I'm running your podcast. This is perfect. Du jour. Du jour. How many people here think that du jour is a fake band?

We've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. If only there were a way they could clap. Thirteen people. Yeah. Maybe they could clap. So I'm assuming... What did I say off the top? Did I say it was fake or real?

Fake. Okay. No, I can't remember which one. So you guys thought it was fake, the first people. And then people who think it's real, that's the rest of you. Most people think it's real. Most people think it's real. Most people are wrong.

Yes, I was right. That's right. Because DuJ wrong. Yes, I was right. Because du jour is the boy band from the film Josie and the Pussycats. There you go. I like it when we turn it on the audience. That was a good suggestion. Like Ralph Fiennes did in Quiz Show. I've never seen Quiz Show.

All right. How about this? Air biscuit. Air biscuit. Air biscuit. Fake. Real. Audience? How many people think it's fake?

Round of applause. Two people think it's fake. The rest of you guys say it's real? Fuck. They're right. It's real. Did you guys all know that for a fact or did you just like the name? No. You know why I think a lot of these are fake and they're real is because I could name bands better than these assholes.

You know, Air Biscuit? Yeah, that's horrible, right? That's terrible. How do you, let's say there's four of you in the band. How do you settle on that? How do you settle on that? Like, what do we call ourselves that says our legacy as people, what we want to convey to people? I don't know.

How about Water Danish? No, Air Biscuit! You know, like, what the fuck? How do they come up with that shit? Your next band is Water Danish. Do we want to keep on with this, or do we want to move on to another segment? I'm just thinking of how bad the other segment is. Really? Yeah.

Okay. I'm enjoying myself with this. All right, let's do the other segment. Yeah, let's do the other segment. Okay. Okay, well, thank you for participating. Yeah. Our last segment of the show is...

Now, we've done these segments before where we compare two celebrities who we can't tell apart. So we've done Busey or Nolte. Busey or Nolte. We did... Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel. Yeah. And was it Thomas Jane and somebody else? Thomas Jane and Aaron Eckhart.

Yeah. And also the guy from Spaceballs. I was just watching this story. Paxton or Pullman. Oh, Paxton or Pullman. That's a good one. Paxton or Pullman always fucks me up. Yeah, me too.

That's like Air Biscuit and, well, you know. Water Danish. So today on this show, we are going to do two women that I personally have always got confused completely. Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel. Is that right? Is that how you say her name? Zoe? Zooey? Zoe? By the way, these are such minor celebrities. Yes, I know! Jesus Christ.

But, what makes it worthwhile is we decided that the contestants should get a little paddle with one of their heads on them. Yes. So you could pick up and show Katy Perry's face or Zooey Deschanel's face.

And I was going to call up a print shop, but I got too embarrassed. So I drew pictures. this obviously is Katy Perry alright and her doppelganger Zooey Deschanel and I only had a blue highlighter

and a big or a sharpie yeah so and I will name facts well no i won't even name facts you just say a word i'll say a word and you decide whether this word it's ridiculous all right it's so great we know it's ridiculous it's the greatest thing i've ever seen is this a cheerios box in the middle? Yeah. No, it's mini-wheats. Okay.

Eddie's expression right there. No. What the fuck? Chopsticks. That was... Yeah, pretty... Yeah. All right.

So you got some words? I got some words. Are we going to play the theme or we don't have a theme? We don't have a theme. All right, so you got some words? I got some words. Are we going to play the theme or we don't have a theme? We don't have a theme. All right. And I looked up facts about both of these stars, and they are extremely boring celebrities. Okay.

All right, this one is trivia. Okay. All right. All right. This one is trivia. Okay. Which of these two stars won the Aussie hair care newcomer of the year award? The what? For 2009. The Aussie hair care what? Newcomer of the year? Aussie hair care?

Yeah. Australian for hair care. Aussie hair care? Yeah, Australian for hair care. I'm going to say that that... Also part of the joke is you won't be able to tell which is which on the paddle. Is that Zoe? Zoe? Zoe?

That's Zoe, yes. Zoe. How do you want to vote? I'm voting Zoe. I'm going to vote Katie. I warned you this was awful. The answer is Katie Perry, everybody. Feels good.

I'm not going to lie to you. I've never seen anything she's done or Zooey Dashiell. Yeah, no. But it feels good to get it right after getting my head handed to me on the band thing. I'm sorry about that. Cotton. Oh, Katy Perry. Zooey Dashiell.

Zooey Dashiell is a spokeswoman for cotton. I knew it! I knew it. She had ancestors involved in slavery. I remember that. So cotton was a complete, perfect extension. The Smurfs. Oh, that's, I know that's Katy Perry.

Nope, that's Zooey Deschanel. He's right, it's Zooey Deschanel. What? No, you're right. She plays Smurfette in the upcoming Smurf movie. Does she? Live action. She does, yes. Oh the upcoming Smurf movie. Does she? Live action. She does, yes.

Oh, my God. Katy Perry. See, now you'll know what she's up to. Now that she's got a big role in a smash film. I'm still watching Marlon Brando movies. You know what I mean? Like, I haven't, I don't know much, many of the young stars. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he didn't do a lot of Smurf work. Marlon Brando? I could see him doing it later in his life when he was like 750 pounds. Come here, you blue fuck. Like, like, like he needs the money

so he does it. Come here, you blue bastard. And they're like's just like, Colin, Colin, that was not the line. Ah, fuck you. Okay, and finally, let's wrap this up. All right.

Oh, God, these are the boringest. Would it be boring if I said gluten? I know who that is. I really know this one because I'm a big Food Channel fan. Yeah. And Zoe Dashanel is a vegan. Yes. So I'm going to say it's her.

I'm also going to say that because he seems to have the insight. Yeah. Oh, that's bullshit. Am I right? They're both in a fake band called Gluten. Zooey Deschanel cannot handle my gluten. Everybody, it was Katy Perry or Zooey Deschanel, everyone. That'd be funny.

That'd be funny. That'd be funny if you went from this segment and our last segment is how did the universe get started? Like you go from something completely

inane to like, all right, now we're going to tackle the bigger issue. How did we get started on the physical plane? Do you mind reading from your thesis?

Was it Big Bang? Dave's drawn it Big Bang? Dave's drawn the Big Bang on a couple of chopsticks and the string theory on another chopstick. Well, I was embarrassed to talk to the alpha males of the print shop.

They are the strongest men we have in our society. Well, yeah, so I think we're going to wrap things up. If people want to find you online, Eddie, where's the best place to go? Well, I like to – are people into Twitter here? Does anybody follow me on Twitter? You do? I'm funny on Twitter, right?

I believe it. No, I like writing jokes on Twitter. So you can find me on Twitter at Eddie Pepitone. And I also like writing jokes on Facebook for some reason. Like I put just crazy status updates. Or else Facebook is boring to me. Because what I wind up doing with Facebook is just looking at some people's photos. I don't even know them. And I'm going through their lives.

Like how come I wasn't invited to that party? Like I hate Facebook. I just fuck with it. So yeah. And I've got a lot of videos on funny or die right now. Check out funny or die, uh, slash Eddie Pepitone. I did one with Jeff Garland, you know, him from Curb Your Enthusiasm. I did that recently. So things like that. That's fantastic. Um, and on this season's Weeds. I was tied up naked. You guys watch Weeds? Did anybody see me? You will now. Anybody see that episode I was on?

I was handcuffed to a bed naked. I was left there by a prostitute. And you did see it. And I had to do that scene naked with Mary Louise Parker. First time I ever met her. And I'm butt naked, handcuffed to a bed. And she's like, how are you? I'm like, fine.

Hi, Mary. And she was really nice to me. But someone told me that I look like a hastily shaved sea lion. Oh, man. Which is fucked up, but I think that nailed it. Anyway, I'm on this season's weeds, too. Oh, man, that's fantastic.

Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you for having me. Eddie Pepitone. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. And thank you all so much for coming out here tonight and checking out the podcast. And for listening to the podcast, we were voted number one in the city, tied with CBC in the Georgia Strait.

Are we going to get a little thing that we can frame? Yeah, but it's going to say CBC on it. It's going to say best cheap and cheerful. But thank you very much, everybody. And we're doing a Laugh Gallery show tomorrow night, if you're interested in checking that out. And thanks for coming out. And everybody, have a safe trip home.

Or I guess they're staying for the David Feldman podcast. So I'll let him say the goodbyes and everything. But you guys were great. And there's going to be a 20-minute intermission and then come back for the David Feldman podcast. Thanks a lot, everybody. Bye. Thank you.