Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 135 - Jamie Kilstein and Allison Kilkenny

Episode Date: October 12, 2010

Jamie Kilstein and Allison Kilkenny of Citizen Radio join us and it gets  political, then it gets less political, then we talk about headbutting  someone to death.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 135 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who tried his first veggie meat this very day, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, that I know of. I may have been somewhat like, it was so, I couldn't tell the difference.

So maybe I've been eating veggie meat this whole time. Yeah, and how do we feel about that? Awful. Yeah, oh,. So maybe I've been eating veggie meat this whole time. Yeah. And how do we feel about that? Awful. Yeah. Oh, I feel like I've been cheated. And our guests today on the podcast, very happy to have. They are the two people that make up Citizen Radio, now available on iTunes.

It's Mr. Jamie Kilstein and Mrs. Allison Kilkenny. Thank you very much for being our guest. Thanks for having us. This is awesome. You have fancy equipment. Yep. Like, I was watching you, like, turn the knobs on the soundboard, and I was pretending like I knew what you were doing.

It's like whenever I go shopping, and I pretend like I know if produce is ripe, and I just pick it up, and I feel it, like, just so the older women don't judge me. then i'm like this is good and then allison's like that was not good so the older women don't judge you yeah they like they run me over at the store yeah well you're on their turf i'm sure fair enough hi everybody well let's get to know us get to know us um so you guys are you're in town for the comedy festival yes um and you are leaving tomorrow morning to go to australia correct yeah yeah for uh i'm doing stand-up there i've pretty much made my living outside of the like i talk about american politics when i do stand-up and that's what citizen radio is well citizen radio is more about global politics but my stand-up is

very political so i've made a living in every country but america so like to the point where i'm pretty convinced my dad doesn't believe i make a living like i'm like off to australia again he's like that is not true it does sound made up i was even kind of questioning it i am huge in finland but yeah that's that's it so we have to travel like literally to the other side of the It does sound made up. I was even kind of questioning it. I am huge in Finland. But yeah, that's it. So we have to travel literally to the other side of the planet to make a living. You're always on the run. Yeah, absolutely. Are you hunted by, is it the authorities are after you?

Citizen Radio is rogue. Because our material is so dangerous. Also, not that many people listen to it. All right. That's our kind of situation. That's our kind of situation. That's our kind of rogue. But you have a mixer with buttons. It looks professional.

It does. And then when you talk, the lights go higher and higher. Like Steve Winleth. Fancy. That's amazing. So tell the listeners what Citizen Radio is, because you were saying you've had Noam Chomsky on, you've had Rachel Maddow on.

These are big time. Are they dating, Chomsky and Maddow? Yeah, yeah. It's sort of a misconception. There were several paparazzi pictures, but then apparently Noam had a bit of a drinking problem. Is that Jesse James? Am I mixing up the two? No, it's Noam.

Noam, tattooed Noam Chomsky. Uh-huh. Right. Started dating a Nazi. Yeah. The girl from Miami Inc., Rachel Maddow. Right.

And that was a whole big thing because Rachel Maddow is like a lesbian and they were like, you guys can't be dating. She's a lesbian. And I was like, you don't tell me what I know.

And people were like, what? Why is he doing that? This is 2010. I'll do whatever I please. Right. And then he would just go off about Mexicans

and they were like, Mr. Chomsky together get it together sir so you get you break those kind of stories on your show we do right yeah so a citizen radio really if there's one thing is we're constantly lying right yes constantly fabricating things yeah nothing on the show can be taken as true no we uh all right all right. So what citizen radio is, is yeah, we try to have a really wide range of guests or people from like Noam Chomsky to, to bands like bad religion and like system of a down to, you know,

yeah, it's a political show for people who normally aren't into politics. So our audience is young, um, sort of disenfranchised, just sick of the political system or yeah, very poor. My agent is not happy with our base. No, no, just sick of the political system. Poor. Yeah, very poor. My agent is not happy with our base.

No. But you're curating. They're really nice, but they will never be able to afford anything, and will have to download us illegally. It's a good business model. Right. Right. And it's great. We're trying to make the show essentially like, it's kind of turned into this, our listeners have started calling it radio for outcasts. Because it's essentially, it is- The band outcast? What's that? No, go on. Yes, only for the band outcasts. Because it's essentially...

The band outcast? What's that? Yes, only for the band outcasts. Very narrow market. We have five listeners, but they are very famous. Noam Chomsky does not get along with them. He thinks they're all Mexican. Would your agent be happier if a just outcast was listening to your podcast?

Maybe. was listening to your podcast. Maybe. All right. So pretty much, you know, our listeners, like they're artists or musicians

or dropouts or liberals and atheists and vegans and, you know, tattooed kids and punk kids. And they would normally be

in these really isolated communities, but we try to be the bridge, you know, or the thread, the thread that holds everybody together.

And we try to introduce like the progressives to comedy and comedy-interested people into veganism and sort of marry those communities. Yeah, and it's cool. Everyone's getting along. They're starting little meetups. We had so many emails from kids who were just like – we got an email the other day where he's like, I think I'm your key demographic. I'm an intellectual black gay kid who lives in the south.'re not a demographic not a demographic no it's you congratulations on being a demographic and uh but like that kid found us and he wrote us and was like oh i don't feel crazy anymore and then he hears other emails from like other kids who are like that and you know it's great because we have a lot of people like that.

We have a lot of people who hate us. But we feel like the people who like us, it's kind of so much more important to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because one of those things, too, where it's like when I wanted to get into politics, I didn't have a background. I dropped out of high school. And so I was like, I'm going to get into politics. I know I'm left-leaning because I don't like war and I like gay people. So I'm going to start with Noam Chomsky.

And then I would open it up and I'm like, what the fuck is an East Timor? Like, I didn't know what any of those words meant. And I think there are a lot of kids who want to be political, but they watch the news or they've been lied to in school so much that they there's no starting ground. Well, it's also like if you watch the news you could literally learn nothing all day i don't know how it is up here but like if you watch the news in the states they're just talking about lindsey lohan and i think a lot of people realize this isn't the real news so we try to talk about some underreported unreported stories in canada our news is mostly a bear has snuck into somebody's yard and they've had to you know

knock it out of a tree. Do they try to make it political? So then when elections come up, will one be like, I'm anti-bear! He's for bear! Yeah, the pro-bear lobby is very strong in this country. We also try to make the bear stories more

about Lindsay Lohan. See, that's the problem with the media. Always turning the bear stories into Lindsay Lohan. See, that's the problem with the medium. Always turning the bear stories into Lindsay Lohan stories. Yeah, it's interesting. I was reading a couple months ago, I was reading the autobiography of a guy named Joey Shithead.

Are you familiar with him? He's the lead singer of a band called DOA. Oh, yeah, yes. Actually, somebody just wrote in and was talking about, because ever since we left our paycheck, we just left our station on Friday to go independent. And somebody compared it to them. I want to hear everything you have to say on them because I was just so excited to be like, I know this.

Where they were like the first kind of hardcore band that just went like living room to living room, right? Yes. Or something like that? Yeah. right or something like that yeah they uh and when you were talking about the uh the kid in the south that's you know not connected to anything in his environment or her environment or whatever that's uh when doa was originally touring they would tour through these small towns where there was no there was no music scene you know it was all uh gut bucket rock and roll kind of stuff and then they would come through town and the next year they

would go back through the town and all of a sudden there was a punk scene wow so the you know the 30 kids that went out and saw this band all of a sudden met each other and were like this is the thing we all like and then they would come back and there would be bands to open for them and bands to be on the same bill and there would be all sorts of kids dressed up as punks that's amazing yeah i mean i really think that's important and i think that with comedy it's sort of the same thing where you know we were talking about this before the show but i feel like anybody who would be fans of really good comedians they're not going to find them at a comedy club because those cool smart kids wouldn't be caught dead in a comedy club.

You know what I mean? I think there are so many comics out there whose audiences haven't found them yet because their audiences wouldn't go to this awful strip mall kind of two-drink minimum. Not even Rooster Teeth Feathers. Not even Rooster Teeth Feathers. Just as like a cool hangout for kids. Just the names of these clubs. Anytime I'm trying to have a serious conversation and they're like, what do you talk about?

I'm like, well, I talk about imperialism and the war and a woman's right to choose. And where are you doing this at? Yuck Yucks. I'm doing it at a place called Chili Cheese Fries. So you're going to Australia. Are you going to be there for a festival or are you doing clubs? I'm just doing – we're actually trying to do it kind of punk rock style actually where there's this great music venue at sydney university called like the manning

bar and we're just going to try to do the one night and see if we can sell it out instead of doing like two weeks because i used to do there was a club called the comedy store there and so i used to do that and then what allison and i are trying to do now is we're doing the radio show live like once a month and we are trying to mix up these sort of political guests with um comedy guests so like like we are gonna get like noam chomsky at the upright citizens brigade theater which is like crazy you know and and so that's kind of our goal is just to kind of he's got a tight five though that he does he does he insists on bringing an opener which his opener is not very good um very racist very very but chomps is just dying in the

corner yeah say what we've all been thinking but you know uh well back to go into those like small towns is is i think that's almost more important sometimes which is why we're so into kind of podcasting as a medium because it reaches everybody because you know there's one part of me where it's like i played in kansas last week and 200 people walked out of my late show saturday and that was horrible yeah and it was crazy because jamie was bitching about the gig but then i was looking at our statistics for our podcast and it was like suddenly we had 600 people from kansas city who were listening to the show who i don't think we would have had contact with otherwise and i do not think that club is going to have me back, but now maybe next time I can go

and do, you know, kind of like a music bar or something. Because the other thing is, you know, Vancouver's so amazing, and we live in New York, which is great, but I also think that you don't want to limit yourself to just play in the cities that, like, agree with you. You know what I mean? That's exactly what I

want to do. Yeah. At least you're honest. Hand out a survey before each show. Oh, well, this isn't going to work. It's hard for people to agree or disagree with us. We don't really believe in much. That's true.

Can you start getting emails from people that are like, take a stand. I'm offended. You start getting emails from people that are like, take a stand. I'm offended. Yeah. Well, that's – it's weird because in Canada, it's – America is a – it just seems like there's more political discourse in America than there is – And there's totally going to be a civil war also. Yeah, that's going to happen, right? Because the people who are –

No, let me just stop you there. Are the civil war recreationists going to be leading this charge are they going to be weirdly enough they'll sit that one out they'll wait to see how it happens then they'll recreate that civil war but they're so entrenched in their political parties so like the democrats are just getting really really sick of the the democratic party and they're getting more and more liberal and the the conservatives are in the red states are super radical like they don't believe the president was is an american oh yeah right right and it's radical anytime i'm like oh maybe we can bridge

the divide and everything will be okay i just look at where our audience is and it's like new york california blue states like austin and Chicago, and everything else is red American. I'm like, oh, yeah, there's there's completely going to be a civil war. That's how it's going to end. This is going to happen. The not born in America thing is one of those things where it's just like, you know, he's the president of the United States. Like there are clearly forms you have to fill out.

Like there's some kind of background check before you become. Yeah, there's been like 30 years for somebody to discover that he's a secret Kenyan and all of a sudden, yeah. And that's the problem too. I love it. I love that. That's crazy, right? It's so entertaining though. It really is because it's nothing that could ever...

I don't think that kind of story would get far with the government up here. It wouldn't. Because literally our prime minister would just go on television with his birth certificate and be like there you go well also here you don't have a shutdown government yeah you don't have to be born here oh wow i actually don't know that um what i was what if it's like what if they're brilliant what if all the tea party in the right wing guys are brilliant and what if they're like let's just throw make up

things that nobody can argue with because they're crazy you know what i mean because how do you argue that because if the president argues with them suddenly he's giving validity to their theory so like what if they just created all these crazy like just just tell him he's not born there like what is he going to say and then they say that and literally you have all these like intellectual democrats on tv and they're like the president wasn't born here and they're like shut up and like that's the only thing you can say to argue with that well especially when like they've shown them his birth certificate and I'm sure

they were like and now this conversation is over and they like the woman who brought the lawsuit like took it to the Supreme Court she still just went with it yeah absolutely they didn't see the long form birth certificate right yeah like I'm trying to think Well, they didn't see the long-form birth certificate. Right.

Yeah, like, I'm trying to think, you know, you've got, like, this in the States, because we get, you know, we get all the United States news up here. Right. So we see the kind of what is the all the political debates that are going on and all these different. on and all these different and literally the only debate that's going on in canada is whether or not the long gun registry should be scrapped or should we we're all talking about that in america yeah we're covering that uh so you got american news here that's such a bummer because i alice and i had a solid 25 minutes on the differences between americans and canadians and we were gonna be like do you guys have laughter up here anytime i see an american comedian go to another country and they're like, do you guys have laughter up here? Anytime I see an American comedian go to another country and they're like,

oh, do you guys have, do you have television? Do you guys do that? Do you have irony? And Chris is just like, shut up. My favorite was a few years ago, a comedian asked me, so do you guys say gingivitis up here?

Oh, we don't have gums up here. Right. We do, but it's a national holiday. That was another thing about going on the road again. And even during this festival, there were some of the most... I just can't wait to get

on the road again. On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again. Are we doing this? What's happening? Oh, you just do it once and all right i'm gonna call that back and everyone's gonna get so mad at me just wait so uh so there's some like there are such great comics here but it's weird because you get kind of trapped in podcast land sometimes and i forget like when i went to kansas uh all the dudes who opened for me were just these horrible, racist, bigoted, awful comedians.

And you forget sometimes, like, comedy's so wide where you're just like, oh, you do the same thing I do. Like, I have the same goals. Like, this one dude did a guest spot, and he had a joke where he goes, first of all, he opens up, he goes, let's all give it up for the troops. And you should, certainly you should. The audience went wild. They're just like, I came to the comedy club to give it up for the troops. So it is about time. So they all gave it up for the troops.

The troops had it given up too. And then he goes, but I got to criticize him. And there's a hush because he was an edgy opener. And he goes, still haven't found Osama bin Laden. Here's what's interesting. That's true. Right. And a really valid point.

Million Iraqis have died. Surely. More American soldiers have died than on September 11th. This is an excellent, excellent point. Where is Osama bin Laden? And then he goes, I found him. Oh, here we go. Stop the presses. Stop the presses the presses yeah so i'm on the phone with the police saying i have the inside tip and he goes every time i call my phone company or visa get it because they sound funny here's

what's confusing, though. That either means that he thinks every time he calls a tech person, those are all Muslim or Saudi people. Or he thinks Osama bin Laden is Indian. Right. Yeah, because that's the stereotype, right? See, I didn't even get it. I thought that it was like, oh, because my phone bill is so high, these guys are terrorists. That's literally what I thought the joke was supposed to be. There's a huge stereotype

where, you know, so many American comics have the joke where they're like, so I call Visa and they're like, oh, and they just do this incredibly insulting Indian accent. Thank you for not doing it, by the way. You started. It sounded more Australian. Like, that's not Indian.

Just do that accent when you go to australia you'll be i love this indian pretty excited about it and and so or or the other option that allison left out is every time he calls these call centers he actually thinks he found osama and he's been desperately trying to convey it to audiences across. To audiences across America. No, I found him. Stop laughing. This isn't racist. I even talked to his supervisor. Who was also Osama bin Laden. Millions of Osama.

There was female Osama bin Laden and timid Osama bin Laden. I like that he started by saying, give it up for the troops. Because it makes you think, why, like when you go to a sporting event, they do the national anthem. Right. Why don't they do it at comedy clubs or every event? Why is it only sports? Because I think maybe sports fans are the most easily brainwashed. And you just be like, we're all going to stand up and do this before that guy hits the ball.

And they're like, fuck, yes, we are. And they just don't ask questions. We brought hats. Should we take them off do they uh do the national anthem before like a boxing or a i think so is your national anthem let's get ready to rumble mama said knock you out mama said knock you out america that was weird mma i've never seen it at least they don't broadcast it yeah well it's also one of those things which is so funny where you hear this like beautiful national anthem and then there's just a guy mounted just punching the crap out

of someone although that actually symbolizes america more than baseball where you play the national anthem anthem and then just watch and now watch somebody get choked out. Well, that's the, there was a guy, and I can't remember his name, but he's an MMA guy. And he's kind of, he seems like he's the only UFC guy that has a real sense of humor. Yeah. Because all of his songs that he picks to enter are all hilarious. Like, everybody else does hardcore hip hop or heavy metal. And he does the streak. He did.

Why can't we be friends? Like on The Simpsons. And he comes out in these lavish costumes. And it just confounds. Is it Mayhem Miller? I don't know his name. But he comes out in very silly costumes. And he confounds everybody.

He's just like, why is this guy? You know, he's got the clown prints of MMR. But he's great. He's my favorite. You know what song I would come out to? Oh, God. Get on the road again. I just can't wait to get on the road again.

I bet you thought I was going to at least try to put it into context and wait for one of you guys to say road. I was just like, are we talking about songs? Let's do it. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. So, wow, Let's do it. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. So, that's very cool. It's a lot more political than we usually get.

That happens to us all the time. People just want to have a nice, pleasant chat with us. This is still incredibly pleasant. This is just wonderful. We haven't talked about Gaza. Lock the doors. This happens a lot

because I'm always interviewed for comedy shows, but they do a little bit of research and they say politics, so then they interview me or they'll interview both of us about politics, and it just gets really, really serious. Definitely serious because it's hard to riff on war crimes.

With my stand-up, I'm like, I have spent a long time like writing these jokes and then some of these journalists just look so terrified or we have to do like morning radio like when you go on the road and they're like how do i where do i put the fart button yeah exactly while he's talking about extraordinary renditions he just has his figure like hovering over the flush button. Shit. Oh my god. Can I tell a radio story that also happened to me in Kansas? I didn't even get to the worst comedian in Kansas.

But the radio story, the guy goes... So I do all these top 40 stations. And then he goes, you know, we have to do a country western station tomorrow, which that's not my demographic, right? No, I would say not. Yeah. You're more western than country. I'm more western than country. Right.

And you should have told them I'm a little bit rock and roll. I'm going to call that back. I'm going to be so mad. I'm encouraging it. And so so he goes, he goes, it's fine. They're all right wing, which means no one's going to come to the show. He goes, it's fine. Just do the Jew stuff you have.

Oh, my God. Here's the thing. I don't have Jew stuff. It was just the – Kilstein? Is it because it's Kilstein? Yeah. Well, the only Jewish thing I said on stage was the comic before me uh raises the microphone stand as high as he can because he makes it a 74 inch dick and then he

mic he mic rapes the girl in the front row with that dick and then uh and then then the crowd goes wild i remember the club owner was just like see that's what they want and then the crowd's going nuts and then he moves it over to a guy because being gay is weird get it and then that kills and then they brought me up so i was lowering the mic stand like the the stage when i walked out just looked like a crime scene like there's just the mic stand was really high there was just everyone was just flustered and so i i put the mic because that's how crime scenes look yeah the mic stands really hot everybody's flustered call the police that was a chalk outline of the mic and so uh so i lowered the mic stand i just said something dumb where i'm like let's get this down

to tiny jew height and so he thought that was jew material and so he goes just do the jew stuff they're all anti-semitic oh good but he said that like like that's a good thing like don't worry they hate the jews and so so like so i call allison and i'm like should i even do this show and you're terrified yeah like i think you were even like i didn't tell you not to do it but i was like just try not to be city jew like turn the turn the Jew down. Be a little country Western Jew. Yeah. Yeah. Or just country Jew. And so I go in there and I'm like, it's not going to be bad.

They're just going to be these dumb kind of shock jocks who probably make Jews. Oh, and then the club owner was so funny. He was so excited that he told me to do the Jew thing. Because he goes, you know, Lisa Lampanelli, when she came here, she was talking about the blacks and the Mexicans. And I told her to talk about the Jews. And she's like, but I she was talking about the blacks and the mexicans and i told her to talk about the jews and she's like but i've never talked about the jews and i go lisa i'm telling you talk about the jews so she goes on there and she talks about the jews we sell out

eight shows we're adding shows and he's just bragging like he he's like she used to just be a racist but now because of me she's an anti-semite and a racist and so i go in there and i'm like this won't be bad and he looks at the paper and then he looks at me and he looks at the paper and he looks at me and he goes kill steen a and i go yep and then it's silent and then the manager is trying to hype me up because no one knows who i am because i've never been on television in america so the man my manager is trying to hype me up because no one knows who I am because I've never been on television in America. So my manager is trying to hype me up to the radio people before we go on air. And he goes, you know, the only other guy that Jamie's manager manages is Robin Williams and Woody Allen. And so this guy goes, tell me something.

Robin Williams, is he a Jew? And I go, I don't know. And then he goes, I know Woody Allen's a jew of course he does it's like we all know woody allen's a jew and then he goes you know who is a jew and i was just like are we making a list like it literally sounded like this shit was going down like it was finally happening and he was just making his hollywood list of jews and we were going to go take them out that's wild yeah it was nuts. In Kansas.

Like, when would they ever run into Jewish people? I don't know. I don't know. That might be part of the fear, because they don't have exposure to them. They've become like this mythological creatures. Right, absolutely. Just a bunch of giant Woody Allens. Yeah, they think he's giant because they've only seen him on movie screens.

Right. Actual size. He's eight feet. He's just really snarky. They're going to overrun Kansas. Yeah, it was definitely bizarre. But like I said, though, the cool people there are infinitely cooler than the cool people in New York or Vancouver or L.A. Because they need it.

You know what I mean? They're so much more appreciative. York or Vancouver, LA, because they need it. You know what I mean? Like there's so much more appreciative. Like I'll do, we'll do New York and LA. Like sometimes it's just the worst kind of like liberals, you know, kind of the worst kind of lefties where they're just like, I don't know. They don't hate gay people as much, but like they're still just really like snobby and kind of apathetic and they don't care. It's kind of like Paula, like, you know, they think.

Doing yoga makes you political. And or gay. Right. which being gay makes you progressive which is so it's perfect that absolutely works out um wow that's uh yeah like i don't i've never had to do i've done a couple morning radio things but it's not a huge part of the system up here. You're so lucky. You're very lucky, yeah. It's just the worst, where it's like these really kind of racist, so sexist, like, where people just, it's just these kind of shock jocks who are like, women, don't you wish rape was legal? And it's like, what? That wasn't a thing? That wasn't a joke? That wasn't, like, where they'll have, it's just like, know assault a woman wednesdays like and like but like really

like there's actually there was just an article written where there was a group uh or these two like djs in the midwest where they they had something called like drive by whoring where like one of the guys got cheated on so they just encouraged these guys to drive by these women's houses and just like scream about like what whores they are or how and i'm like well that'll end that'll end well because anybody who's heartbroken and driving and shouting yes speeding by their ex lovers home while shouting obscenities like the next step isn't violent i mean just just like the dehumanization of like women like it's craziness and i remember like and it's weird like the whole fans like even like stern and stuff like i

know he was like such a pioneer but like it's so crazy that he got so famous by having women come in and show their tits just to him yeah like it's radio oh yeah and then he would rate them and if they like needed a boob job he'd help raise the money because he's a good guy but like that's that's so funny that the listeners to me are just like someone's seeing tits they're not even seeing right i have to tune in because someone else might see tits and tell me that he is seeing tits instead of just like or you could just try to meet somebody now was howard staring my rock because we never like we get some people get them on satellite or whatever but he was never he was only carried on

one terrestrial radio station up here for i think it was like three weeks and he insulted like oh not even it was like a week yeah he was on he insulted um quebec sure maybe like people of quebec and then the government was like nope like oh wow. I didn't know that. You're off. That's a shame because I have a couple things I'd like to say to Quebec right now. That's fine. We're not regulated by that. But it seems

and I may be wrong on this, was he not like, he was shocking but he was also like a smart guy or was he just shocking? I think he's, isn't he like a level above your average that's what i thought as some of the other guys yeah yeah i mean to the point where he could be playing up a lot of the i'm sure he is stupid shit because his interviews sound like

he's quite intelligent he's totally intelligent yeah and it's dumb guys who are trying to trying to replicate him who are they they just take the breast content. The guys who came after Stern are just abysmal. It's really, really bad. But I mean, the whole like... And I wonder if that'll happen with podcasting eventually. You know what I mean?

I wonder if there's just going to be dumbed down versions of you guys. Oh, we've heard it. It's out there. We are the dumbed down version of somebody. Make no mistake. I think you guys are a little bit rock and roll. On the road again.

There it is. Dave, what's going on with you? I'm going to get a lot less political. Graham and Jamie and I were all on a show last night And something happened at the end of the show In the audience That I felt really bad about

It was just like I felt like I could have been more of a gentleman Graham gives away prizes. He sure does. And at the end, he gave away a prize or a set of prizes to a girl, a woman, and her friend came up. Well, she was a girl, so it would be a woman soon.

Yeah. And they came up. Very good. And they got the prizes and one of them went back And the other one turned to leave the stage And I was standing right there And she tripped

And she fell to the ground Oh no I think she had a Like a portrait You gave her a portrait It wasn't Trip-A-Girl Tuesdays No, no, no It was a naked man wearing

giant socks yeah i think she may have broken it on the way down oh man but so she falls down and uh she's coming right for me as she's falling down and i go and my hands go up to my face and uh And then like three other guys who are around step up to help her up. And I realized this and my hands are still up. I just didn't feel very chivalrous. Oh, I missed that whole thing. That photo, we were doing a comedy show and across the street somebody had kind of just left the contents of a move that they didn't want to deal with anymore, just a long

offense. And then somebody came running in with this giant black and white photograph of a dude, a naked guy lying on a couch. It was supposed to be erotic but from the early 80s erotic. So he's wearing giant socks. I don't even think that was erotic in the 80s.

But it's, yeah yeah if the socks weren't there it would have only been uh it wouldn't have even been noteworthy right but he's wearing these giant woolly socks and so and then i had it at my place for five months like waiting for a show to give it away and it was in pristine condition and then jane transported it to the show she cracked it in the taxi cab ride over and then this poor lady well maybe that's why the guy was getting rid of it maybe it was worse yeah it's so funny when like something like that happens and it truly tests you because in your head i think that you're always thinking about like, what if this disaster happened? What would I do?

Right. Like there have literally been times where as an adult, like I'm constantly in fear. Like Allison will kind of attest. Like my whole life is just me being afraid that I'm going to die. And so like sometimes I'll walk and like a bus will turn a corner. And like I'm like, what would I do if that bus fell? And then there's part of it I'm like, oh, I would just catch it and push it up. Yeah, I know.

I know. Or I'm like, what if the – or then I'll think about – Are you a superhero, Dylan? Yes. I know. But this constantly happens. Or I'm constantly thinking about Jason Bourne situations where I would just fight off bank robbers and stuff. And so really, really recently I had my first chance to get into a fight.

Like a fist fight. Like a fist fight where I was on the subway. And I had a terrible fear of subways when I first moved to New York. I prefer Quiznos. Yeah. And I didn't go on subways because once I was going to go. So I paid all this money for cabs and I was super poor. And because one of my friends once, I was going to go, so I paid all this money for cabs and I was super poor. And because one of my

friends once, I was like, is the subway dangerous? And my friend's mom goes, I don't know, but one time I heard a man got headbutted to death. And I was like, I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know you could headbutt someone to death. So I didn't go to the subway for like two years. So now I ride the subways.

Like a big boy. Like a big boy. I. Like a big boy. Yep. I've grown from a girl into a woman. Yeah. I'm no longer afraid of the chuds. And so there was this really old Asian guy on the subway, like really old, like probably like 70. And there was this younger black kid.

And I walk on and I'm sitting down and the black kid's kind of standing above him. And I didn't hear if they were talking. And suddenly the black kid just smacked him right in the face, like really hard, just backhanded this guy. And I was just like, this is it. Like, this is my moment where like, I, I'm going to defend this old guy. Like, that's horrible. Like he was just assaulted. Nobody on the subway is doing anything.

Everyone's really uncomfortable. And then here's how I talk my way out of it is i go well what if the old guy deserved it which he didn't he's 70 you know what i mean but and i honestly at the time was being serious i wasn't like this is how i'm talking my way out of being brave i was just like yeah this is what if something really happened? Like, what if he was like a racist? Or what if like right before that guy slapped him, the old Asian guy was just like, monkey. And then the guy's like, that's it. And then suddenly I tackle the black guy

and now I'm assisting this racist. You know what I mean? And so I literally did nothing. You saw the front page of the paper. Two racists to take that black guy. Yeah, absolutely. And then he left and the old guy just looked really sad and i was and that was it and i was like well i'm not brave i guess that's real there was a a thing there was a viral video on the internet of a guy on a bus.

And the way the video was kind of circulated, it looks like a younger black guy says something to this old guy, pushes him, tries to aggravate a fight, and this old guy knocks out the black guy. And it went viral. It became this huge video thing and then everybody was like what a crazy story like this senior citizen knocks out this young you know punk on a bus that was giving him trouble and that was kind of the thing but then somebody went back and did some research on it as like this senior citizen guy was only 10 years older than the guy he beat up. Like the black guy looks young, but he's actually, he's like 58.

Yeah, okay. And when you watch the whole video, the guy with the beard started it. And he has a history of violence and mental illness. Oh my god. And so, but like everybody was willing to believe on first glance, like, this must be the way it was. As opposed to the lesson we all really learned, which is bad people prevail. Right. Yeah.

Everybody needs to remember there are sometimes untrue things on the internet. No. Yes, there are lies. What? You're listening to the internet's number one podcast. Stop podcasting. I want to talk more about that guy who got headbutted today. Yeah, I don't know how that happened.

Was he head-butted once and he was out? And then the guy just kept doing it? Or did she read that on the internet? I think that might have been it. Or it wasn't real at all. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's. It's weird when the fight or flight thing doesn't...

Yeah, and mine was just a girl falling down in front of me, and then it was a three-second thing, and I could have reacted and, you know, been the first to help her up instead of the fourth. You throwing your hands up in the air is so funny. Like I just didn't care.

He was literally like you didn't care. Hands in the air. Because your hands could have accidentally caught her, but you removed your hands from having any chance of helping her, even by accident, which was amazing. Yeah, it was not a win for me. I was embarrassed for both of us The last time I had something

This was like a year and a half ago Where I was crossing the street The city here is very bad for The drivers are bad, but They're really bad when it comes to Making left turns Everybody's always trying to get the jump Can't be as bad as those assholes from Quebec.

Am I right? Yeah. Nice. Oh, we just got canceled. Sorry, everybody. No longer number one. But there was somebody who drove into the intersection and nearly hit the person I was with.

And when we gave them the kind of, like, you're insane, what are you doing? They just kept driving into my friend. And so I pulled my friend out of the way of the car. And then it was a woman driver who I think was just so confused by what was happening. And then I started kicking her car and screaming at her and going crazy.

And the friend I was with was like, what was that? That was just the craziest. And I was like, I don't know. And if someone had been videotaping it, it would have been crazy guy kicks car. Exactly. But it was one of those moments

where it was just like all logic. I was like, get them out of the way. Then attack the car. Right. My voice just gets really high as I don't do anything. When I see someone about to get hit, it's just kind of like, you shouldn't do that. I just start panicking. It goes up octaves.

It's the greatest. Great, great. What's going on with you, Graham? Not much. No, unfortunately, not much. I've just been doing all Comedy Fest stuff. Yeah, we record, like, the last four days. This is our third podcast in four days.

So we may be low on material. Yeah, yeah. In terms of things that have happened. We can just start making stuff up. Yeah. Well, we took, I'm glad that you guys, you're both vegans and I took you to my favorite vegetarian vegan spot. It was so fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's kind of – that's been one of the highlights of the week for me personally. No, us too. We were talking about – it's one of those things where – and if there is comedy overlap i just i did say this line because i i did marin's uh what the fuck podcast yesterday and he was just giving me so much shit about being uh a vegan and his girlfriend's a vegetarian so he was yelling at me and her through me right right she was there in the audience and is lovely and very kind and you know it's one of those things where even on stage i've had trouble talking about it and Actually, the podcast has been really successful. We've gotten hundreds of emails of people who have become vegetarian or whatever because we're not preachy about it.

I know it was really hard for me to become a vegan, and so we sort of talk about that instead of just being like, you eat dead things. You're an awful person, which you are. I mean, you eat dead vegetables. I know. I do. But they didn't have a personality. And I see dead people, so what does vegetables. I know. I do. But they didn't have a personality. And I see dead people. So what does that make me?

Right. And so but it is one of those things where even on stage, like I've worked really hard. I have a really progressive base now. And I can say stuff. I can be like, people use religion as an excuse to hate gay people in my audience. I'll be like, fuck religion. And I'll be like, the war is an illegal occupation. fuck the war fuck the troops just all for it and then i'm like sometimes i eat salads they're like you pussy motherfucker like like people react and what

about with you like when you tell them do people ever say good for you or is it just like do you miss bacon or uh what if you're on a desert island most of the people i know don't care like uh they they you know because it doesn't it doesn't come up that often outside of if you're going up for dinner or somewhere or if you're going over and you're allergic to so many things and i'm also allergic to like a galaxy of things so like people mostly make fun of you for that. Yeah, that's what I... You're like Bubble Boy. Yeah, exactly. What I'm saying is there's a lot to make fun of

and so why zero in on just the one thing that's a choice? Yeah, vegetarian is a choice whereas allergies are so much funnier because there's nothing you can do about it. Exactly. And if you ate that food, you would die. So let's go with that.

That's why I only make fun of people's choices, like becoming gay or becoming retarded. Somebody actually tried to – and it was meant as a gesture of, oh, I think this is something you would really like. But it's weird because I guess you can get soy butter that tastes just like peanut butter, but it has no anything, no peanut anything in it. But to me, I'm like, that's like, it'd be like eating bleach. It's like this is, my brain knows that as a poisonous thing. Right, right. I've never wanted to go, oh, I just wish I could have it. My brain is like, always stay away from it. Always.

What would it feel like to get stabbed but without getting stabbed? Without bleeding. That's right. Somebody bought me this purple Batman shirt thinking that would be nice. Just like, we find you nerdy and girly. And now it's become my favorite shirt though. Yeah. It's like they didn't know if you fell on the Batman side, on the Joker side.

So they're like, this is right down the middle. didn't know if you fell on the batman side on the joker side so they're like this right down the middle is there like a george washington carver of soybeans who's discovered all the things all the different things yeah or is it just asia i think it was that guy who had soy bomb written on his shirt that uh on his skin yeah that's right yeah uh i think that was him or at least uh he's advocating for fine see now i'm like i'm but like, I think you just have better friends than us. Because we're, it's really weird. Maybe you need to start running around with a better crowd. Yeah, maybe that's what I learned.

Hey, why don't you eat meat? Why don't I have better friends? You guys are jerks. You guys are horrible. Well, but that's the thing. I've noticed that not, and you know, I mean, I'm sure not a ton of your listeners are vegan or whatever. But every one of your listeners has some choice they've made in their life that they care about. But maybe it's like really unpopular or they're kind of the outcast in their group.

And it's so funny that whenever you tell your – the first people that try to talk you out of your beliefs are your douchebag friends. Where they just are painting you these scenarios instead of being like oh cool Irish or asking questions about it like I so many times it's been like what if you're on a desert island like would you eat this animal yes what if you're gonna die yes okay

when I'm in that situation when I'm on a desert island and if we're trapped in the Andes on a plane crash I will eat you. So – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, see? So you're not really a vegetarian.

No, I am. I am in real life. I'm just not in pretend Andes mountain life. It's like the douchiest thing. And you know what I think it is too is we had – what did Guy say? Where we had this really cool – one of the emails we got the most – we also try to have like kind of different guests on Citizen Radio. So we had this really famous tattoo artist named Guy Aitchinson who's amazing. And he – essentially I just wanted a cheap tattoo.

So I was just like, yeah, you can do the radio show while you tattoo me. But in reality – so we thought our listeners would hate us because it was just noisy because he's tattooing me. And I thought everyone was going to be like, all right, so clearly Jamie who's poor wanted a tattoo and let this guy talk and i just can't understand what anyone's saying but we ended up getting like the most fan mail because this guy was so fucking interesting and he's so smart and he gave this really beautiful speech about nerds yeah where essentially he was saying nerds are just really passionate people who have found the topic they love and they've devoted their life to it and that's really cool like i'm a football nerd yeah sure like i'm a nascar nerd you know what i mean i'm an assaulting people weaker than me and just into the cultural bullying

but really into it really really before it was cool to bully people yeah i was bully aficionado but i do think there's something to that where when you do say like you're a vegetarian or you're an artist or you play guitar or you're like really passionate about politics or comic books or anything like that people's first instinct is to make fun of you and to call you a nerd or a dork but in reality you know i think a lot of the people who make fun of them, it's just kind of like they don't have a passion. When was it, even in high school, I feel like it was taught to you where it's just like caring

about anything is uncool. And you know what I mean? And then as we get older, we realize that everyone that I really like was a total nerd when they were growing up and still are. And I love that. I don't know, when did it become uncool to to care about things i blame mtv maybe yeah why not yeah why not right well then i blame the internet yeah that's why mtv's slogan was

i don't really care whether i get my mtv mtv take it or leave it. Yeah, well, I think that's, I think the pendulum's swinging because I was just literally before I left the house today watching a thing about, there's a kind of sci-fi or whatnot convention in Toronto called FanCon.

You fucking nerd. Yeah. And it started out as i think 1500 people and this year it was 350 000 wow so you know i think it's i think it's spreading like i think between video games and comic books and sci-fi and movies about comic books exactly like i think it's it's widespread now that yeah it's the geeks have uh had their had their day yeah or having their day yeah i i but i like as predicted in revenge of the nerds was there a revenge of the nerds too yeah yeah but didn't they

yeah the revenge i'll look into that um do we want to move on to overheard why not all right Yeah. But didn't they already get the review? The revenge? Yeah. I'll look into that. Do we want to move on to overheard? Why not? All right. Overheard. Overheard's our perennial segment of things overheard with your ears, overseen with your eyes. That's about it.

Yeah. Overread. Yeah. In text form. We've had overdreamt. That's true. Erotic dreams about Dave Shumkin.read. Yeah. In text form. We've had overdreamt. That's true. Erotic dreams about Dave Shumkin. Romantic dreams.

Were you wearing socks? I was wearing Big Wooly socks. It was an 80s erotic dream. Yeah. And then everyone he knew and loved died because he was cursed. Damn that monkey paw. And we usually like to start with the guest guest but if you're unfamiliar with the format we can start with one of us um well i i you're ready i know the format but i don't now i feel like mine

would have to be really good if i cut yours off so no no no no believe me you're all right did i mention we've done four shows in three days okay cool uh i have two well you have a good one i have a canadian themed one that sounds which i feel is appropriate so when we first got up here we were watching the news and there was this story about i guess this black widow who was going around marrying soldiers for their money we watched that yeah we did watch that but did you hear the lead to the story which was the one of the most amazing leads i'd ever heard which it was it was a a terrorist attack of the heart and i was like that is amazing and i'm like oh that's unfortunate i'm not gonna get to tell anyone this and then you were like did you hear anything funny i was was like, did I, sir?

The only other one that would have even been comparable would have been like Black Widow kills, you know, something like a black little spider or something. See how bad I am at writing headlines? Really bad. We were watching that. It was on, we saw it on ABC 2020. Last night we went for pizza after the show and there was a TV at our table and we decided to watch this and the black widow lady looks like she's had plastic surgery

to look a bit like a cat yeah she had a bit of a cat face yeah the terrorist attack terrorist attack of the heart because you're talking about troops already so it's kind of like okay terrorists I get it but like to be talking about troops already. So it's kind of like, okay, terrorists, I get it. But to be talking about people who fight in the military

and compare it to like Harper. That was just so. An improvised romantic device. She flew planes into their heart. What? I never thought anything would ever be better than total eclipse of the heart. No. Terrorist attack of the Heart. No.

Terrorist attack on the heart. See? That's the reason we have this segment, for great things like that. Documenting it. I just heard two. One of them I've talked about on stage before, so I feel like that's cheating. So I won't add commentary. I'll just say the lines. It's amazing.

It was a girl who was outside of a club And she goes I wish McDonald's served vodka for breakfast None of those words are correct I hate having to wait for 10.30 To get my vodka from McDonald's That was one And then yesterday I heard someone

Oh no no no it was two days ago When we were going to interview Rachel Maddow. I was at the NBC studios. Oh, where Lauren Michaels just creepily walked by us. And that was like the most horrifying thing. Is there any other way that he walks? No, it's just creepily and shadowy. Always in the shed. Right.

So I'm pitching in my characters. The guy with the 14-inch. Or no, 74-inch microphone stand. Yeah, so I'm hitting Lauren in the head with my mic stand. And I have a development deal. And I've got a really short microphone stand. 14, that's not very much. I'm the ladies' man sidekick. Oh, and so there were these two so i was standing

right by where the guests for all these new shows go and it's nuts because like sometimes and even like when you meet like agents in hollywood or whatever you're like you're not gonna be the cliche like that's just a thing you know what i mean and then you watch and you're like oh these people think entourage is real like it was that kind of thing and so these i guess this woman who was going on the news came and then the producer of the show came down and she goes hey how they've never met and she goes how are you doing and then the one girl goes i'm fine except i went to a starbucks and i ordered a grande and they gave me a vente and she was so mad. And then the producer

goes, tell me you complained. And then I was like, I'm going to murder both of you. And I would be right. Like any judge would be like, oh, well, yeah. I mean, if that's why you murdered them, yes, that's correct. They give you a medal?

Congratulations. Because that was just, and just so outraged. That means they gave her too much coffee? I don't know. I don't know. I want to say the Vintage is the biggest. I don't even know the lingo. I just – that's not right.

And that's what was so funny is I've never heard the lingo because even like when me and my asshole's friends like would go get coffee or like when I used to go to Starbucks. I don't anymore. We support local coffee places. But when I used to, we'd go in. And all my friends just felt stupid saying that. So they'd be like, ah, medium or whatever. So literally the first time I ever heard it in a sentence was the most serious way.

I ordered a grot and they gave me a venti. And I'm like, you're being hilarious with those words that I don't know. Like it was, and especially too, like it was just that classic just can you like i've been cursing a little bit but can you like actually curse on this show yes of course just rich cunt fucking horrible people don't like that people don't like that word it was the it was literally just the worst worst like with everything going on it was just that

classic where it's like oh that's where you're outraged yeah that's where you're gonna focus that's why everything is wrong because the only outrage you can muster is towards the kid who makes fucking minimum wage by the kind of who's giving you shit who's giving you what you want you're like i really want coffee so you go into a store and they go we have what you want and then they hand it to you and you're like man this isn't exactly what I want. And you're just going to be so fucking, it was just the, just the tone was just so mean. Yeah. And that's what I used to work in a coffee shop.

And I know that people can, I have a question. They really can't get that angry about that for some reason. I have a question that's peripherally related. Starbucks, before they were everywhere, was it one of those places where they only hired really attractive people? I don't know. You mean when it was originally the place in Seattle? When there were like a

handful all over the world. I don't know. That's a good question. Absolutely everywhere and it's like okay, now it's like McDonald's employees. Because I'm very shallow. It's important to me to know the history. I want some coffee, but I also want to see some nice tits. Where can I go?

I don't mind a handsome man. What's wrong with that? I remember... You don't have Denny's up here, right? Yes, of course we do. Oh, you do? Cool, alright. It's not that cool. What's the opposite of that?

I remember there was this like kind of it was either a it was either a rumor or a lawsuit those are two extremes yeah it was either a rumor or illegal where apparently they were like segregating they were that was a true story that was a true story so then but but a year or two passed and denny's was you know the one by us was 24 hours so we would just go get high and then just give ourselves type 2 diabetes. And we would go. And I remember – Are there vegan options?

No. This was when I was like 15. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so – And they had segregated the moons from the Miami. Yeah. There was a vegan booth where you just sit there and cry and chew on your straw, which I also think was made out of a mammal.

And your cheese covered cheese straw and so we uh we were i remember we were just sitting there and there was like there was literally like the back it was like partitioned and literally every black family that came in they would look around there'd be tables near us and they would be like oh we have a table in the back and they would just bring them and we were were just witnessing. Jesus. This, like, 1950s kind of, like, oh, my God. And no one really said anything. It was, like, an informal thing. I don't know who brought down the orders.

But, yeah, the waitress. Like, everybody knew. It was just this unspoken agreement. Really? Black sit at the back. Yeah. And that's a weird thing. Because if it's, like, a corporation, if it's a big company, that means, yeah, there has to be, like, a memo.

It's not coincidentally. Every shift manager at Denny's is a racist. Right. You know what I mean? Who was the Rosa Parks of Denny's who refused to sit in the back of the Denny's? We'll never know. That's why you go to IHOP.

Cause it's more international. That's true. That's very true. That was the other thing. When you mentioned, uh, Lorne Michaels, the,

he was on Larry King last night with the cat night with a cast of people from SNL. Oh, yeah. Interesting. And they all said – this was the weirdest thing is that he was there with them and they were talking about their audition that they did. And every single one of them said how terrifying it was. Yeah. terrifying it was. And if I was a person where eight people all said, yeah, you know, there's something really terrifying

that you do, I would go, I'm gonna change that. If something I'm doing is inspiring terror in people, I'm gonna change whatever it is if all these people agree, yeah, it was really terrifying. Apparently he really gets off on that, though.

We've heard stories where he'll deliberately keep people waiting for hours to see him so i think he has cultivated this caricature power play yeah like and that and that way he gets to own your first seven movies right i wish that like because i i didn't really see him it was just we were with our friend and allison saw him and then our friend saw him and actually just was like what's up and like very confidently alarm was like hello and he's like terror and and but but but there was part of me where i'm like i never really wanted i never wanted to be on saturday night live so like i didn't care so i almost wish like i i had an opportunity just to be like hey you don't scare me you don't scare me knock

it off with the terror just so tiny too i mean yeah it could be that napoleon bullshit where he's just this tiny little rich guy no that's yeah you know uh and canadian hey all right um dave do you have an overheard i I have an overseen I'll accept it I went to You know how you love the Whole Foods Complaint Board Wait, I did not know this If you think that a lady

Complaining about getting a grande When ordering a venti was shallow You haven't seen shallow Until you've gone to the Whole Foods complaint board. Are there examples off the top of your head? Well, I think the one, you know, it's stuff like one of the ones was, please don't put cookies at kids eye level. And I'm like this.

You just tell your kid. No, please help control my fat child. Just tell your kid no. Please help control my fat child. Exactly. And it's very kind of like, hey, you live in a land of infinite food. So wait, so it's a chalkboard and you can just go. No, no, no. It's a suggestion box, but they post all the suggestions.

They post them with responses from the management. Like, oh, we're working on that. We don't carry that brand anymore. I saw one a few days ago that was the temperature of the ice cream freezer is too low. I eat ice cream and it falls on the ground. And the response was oh, that's horrible. I had that problem 40 years ago

and I haven't forgotten about it. She's eating ice cream immediately. Or he. Essentially what you're saying is I drop things. Please help me where's your anti-gravity but is the whole food suggestion board is that literally just them being like uh don't talk to us please like you could but just the board in general where it's like you could go up to a manager and say hey the ice cream is really low and then they could give you the answer there but instead they're hopefully just literally saying we really don't want to talk to you so come in write it down post it then come

back a week later and maybe we'll respond to you it's also the flip side of it where it's somebody's like i'm gonna snarkily write down a thing instead of talking to somebody oh right you know like it's all about transparency i I think. They want an open system. They want the lanes of communication to be open. That was literally the most political thing you said. That was amazing. Transparency? I have a political science degree.

I could not care less about politics. The one I saw today, and I'm going to give it a bit of attitude when I read it. Exciting. Mushrooms in the chicken noodle soup. Whole foods. What were you thinking?

Amazing. See, that's what you get when you have too much food. You just have to find things to complain about. That's just so crazy because it's like I don't even – if I get the wrong meal, I do that same voice I was talking about when I see someone about to get hit by a car. I'm like, baby, it's fine. And I don't do anything. I'll eat the lamb chop. Yeah, and I never complained.

And maybe it's because Allie and I, we met. We worked in retail. You worked at a coffee house. And that just teaches you not to be such a dick. But it's like, for someone to be eating that soup and just be like, this cannot go unspoken. You know what I mean? This will not stand. What were you thinking?

Whole Foods, the person. Whole Foods with your brain. And your soup chefery. Graham, you, go. I feel like all of my overheards lately have come courtesy of riding transit, but it's where people like to talk a lot. That's true.

They're so lonely. They can't find a boyfriend to drive them around. That's right. There were these two guys on the train, and they reminded me a lot of friends I had when I was in junior high or high school. Yeah. Very, like, just classic nerds. Like, the nerdiest of nerds.

And the one nerd guy, the bigger of the two, was explaining to his nerd friend. He was telling him all the ins and outs of the transit system. This bell means that. This is what this. When when we get to this station people are really going to press on so you gotta you gotta make sure that you've got to hold on to something because it's going to be a real crush and the other guy's not saying anything at all he's kind of almost in you know rapt attention yeah at this guy who's he's been around he's ridden the train a lot and then at one point uh the door that he was kind of leaned up against was about to open and he's been around he's ridden the train a lot and then at one point uh the door that he was kind of leaned up against was about to open and he's like oh you hey you better watch out you're gonna fall

right out that door and that was the first time his friend spoke and he said highly unlikely highly unlikely that's amazing He's dead now. He fell to his death. Yeah, he was wrong. It was highly likely. It was highly likely, yes. Highly unlikely. For you see, I am wearing, have you seen the, there's a commercial for milk and it's got

a fake commercial in it for these pants that you don't have to stand in. They're like, they use golf bag technology. Oh, no, but that sounds great. Yeah, of course. It seems like a great product, and the milk ad is making fun of it, of this fake product. Taking a stand. Yeah, but it's these pants that you don't need to stand up in. You'll stand up on your own.

Sounds great. It sounds like the Homer Simpson with the chair legs that pop out when you're leaning back. That commercial sounds like it's doing a disservice. How many people would have bought milk out of that commercial? And now we're like, there's no time for milk. I got to invent these pants. Yeah, exactly. I got to get some freestanding pants.

We also have overheards that were sent in by the listeners. If you want to send in an overheard to the podcast, you can send it to stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com. This first one comes from Matthew R. Sitting at my desk just now, I heard the following bit of conversation in the hallway. Woman, there are a lot of celebrities right now that are left-handed. Man, I know. It's very interesting. Obama's left-handed, I think.

That's true. Very interesting. Where's the... I'm a little bit jealous when I meet left-handed people. Because I think that they... You had to suffer a lot. Yeah, but i think like oh there's it's like i think there's a disproportionate amount this is an interesting i envy ambidextrous people and i'm like that's just greedy ridiculous

the second one comes from uh phil from montreal i just overheard this conversation had by two co-workers co-worker number one i saw this great documentary about 2012 and the mayans and stuff co-worker number two mayans like the street performers 15 second pause co-worker one i think you're thinking of mimes. That's amazing. Now I'm picturing mimes in that movie. That's right. In the mime calendar. Are you ever afraid you're going to get the email that's like, hey, here's one, guys.

I overheard this. One of my coworkers said, I hate my ex-girlfriend so much I fucking murdered her. Somebody did ask us to make fun of somebody else on the podcast and we were like, we're not 12. Oh yeah, make fun of my co-worker. Yeah, and I was like, no, we're not going to do that. We did have one overheard that was someone on the phone who said, no, you don't, you didn't kill a guy, you paid a guy to kill a guy.

Yeah, like somebody overheard somebody say that on the phone. We also had one from a guy who called in and his girlfriend had just called into the Savage Love podcast. His ex-girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend and was telling Dan Savage how she can't wait to give blowjobs. And this guy had just been dumped by her and then she's like calling into this podcast like, I can't wait to give a guy a blowjob. We might be twisting that around a bit

no that's what it was I went and listened to the episode oh okay oh alright and she was talking about how she wasn't good at blowjobs this guy taught her how to be good at it they broke up now she's gonna go blowjob crazy oh man it's horrible right

he was the Mr. Miyagi of blowjobs and this final overheard comes from Doug K This guy taught her. He was the Mr. Miyagi of bludgers. And this final overheard comes from Doug K. I have an overheard that I overheard at the vet's office. I took my dog in for shots, and as I was paying, this little old man came in with this poodle. He says, I think the dog's going blind, and he picks up the dog and sets it on the counter. A worker says, okay, Mr. Parkerer i'll call you after we do some tests

the little old man turns and starts to walk away and then turns around and yells to the lady and don't let any fucking democrats touch my dog so that's from uh meadville pennsylvania democrats and their science they won't be i only want jesus talking can i just bring something up really quick go ahead the i just read another article where it's like some it was some just like miracle surgery or something and and all the article did was like they thank god or like the baby died and then like the doctor like brought him back to life and they're like we just want to thank jesus and it's like you know that doctor's in the corner like or this guy. I had a hand in this.

Yeah, I only spent 20 years. My 12 years of medical schooling. Of medical school and all this technology that was built by hand of that savior. But oh, Jesus. Hand of God. Yeah. That guy doesn't get enough credit. I would like to nominate myself as a co-pilot at the very least on this project.

We also have called in overheards. Yeah, if you would like to write us in with your overheard, it's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. And if you would like to call us, our number is 206-339-8328. Hi, Debra Graham. It's Patrick. So I moved into a university a couple weeks ago,

and I overheard my friend down the hall moving in. And the first thing his roommate says to him is, some people might tell you I have a big ego. Anyway, yeah. I thought it was funny. Thanks a lot. Okay, bye. He was also calling from inside

an unfurnished college bedroom. Yeah, he was. Very echoey. Judging by the echo. I just heard echo and fear. Yeah. I could hear something bouncing off a Pulp Fiction poster. All right, next.

This is two overheards, but we're only going to play the first one. Okay. Because we're real tight on time. Hey, Dave Gramps, LN10. I've been searching for a good overheard for months, and I finally got a couple of good ones from school. The first one was I was sitting at the lunch table, and I heard this kid say it loudly,

oh, yeah, he's such an asshole. And then he turned around, and I turned around too, and I saw that the teacher was looking at him, giving him the stink eye, and he sheepishly finished with, I mean, he's a butthead. I like that kids are using the term stink eye. I was just going to say that. My mom used to say that all the time. Gave him the hairy eyeball.

One of my absolute favorites. That's fantastic. Oh, man, what a butt-in. That really brings back memories of Sorry Sir. Just downgrading the insult. David Tell, I'm going to use the word you guys hate again, but this is one of my favorite

comedy stories. David Tell, I saw him once and he got up on stage and everyone was really excited because it was when his TV show was really famous so they were like, yeah, famous guy and first joke, he goes, hey, did you guys see Miss America last night? Or as I like to call it

Night of a Thousand Cunts Nothing! Aggressively bombs, just like loud silence and then he goes, oh, I'm sorry, was that too offensive? Night of a Hundred Cunts Just lowered the number Sorry, now that I know that Night of a hundred cunts. Just lower the number. Sorry, now that I know that your audience, some of them are younger. Don't use that word.

Buttheads. Let's miss America. There's only 50 plus Puerto Rico. Yeah. So, all right. Noam Chomsky also does not recognize Puerto Rico as real, which is weird. It's imaginary. And finally. Hey, Dave real, which is weird. It's imaginary. And finally...

Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Aubrey, a bumper formerly of California, currently of Brooklyn, New York. I'm in Soho in Manhattan, and I just have this overheard for you. I'm walking by a bunch of street artists who have their wares out on tables, and one of them, a very short black man,

says, yeah, and one of them, a very short black man, says, yeah, and my nipples hurt too. And as I'm passing by, in a sort of Doppler effect, his voice gets higher, and he says, like, somebody's rubbing my nipples. Overheard. I maintain that New York is the city of a thousand overheards.

Yeah, there's actually a website overheard in New York. Yeah, that's right, somebody forwarded it to us. Oh, there is? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Somebody forwarded it to us. Oh, if we lived there, imagine how easy it would be. Yeah. So I think it more or less

brings us to the end. Again, if you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328. If you want to write to us, it's stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com. And this is a perfect time to end because the room temperature

has doubled in the last five minutes. It's like a sauna. Yeah, sorry about that.com and this is a perfect time to end because the room temperature it is hot in here doubled in the last five minutes like a sauna yeah sorry about that it's this weather we can't control yeah um so uh you two are uh you can be heard every week uh yeah we're citizen radio we're three times a week and what we're actually doing right now so every monday wednesday and friday and you can subscribe we are citizen radio.com but since we're now going uh to memberships and again you can hear the showarecitizenrender.com. But since we're now going to memberships, and again, you can hear the show totally free, even if you're not a member. We don't want to screw anyone over. We just kind of are like, if you can't afford it,

try to tell your friends about the show or whatever. But once we hit, Pat Robertson in America has that show, The 700 Club. And he's the guy who blames all of the hurricanes on gay people instead of the wind. And so we're stealing his model to use it against him. And once we get 500

members, we're going to go to five days a week. So we can actually be more of a new show and report on stuff that's happening. So we're going to be the 500 club. And hopefully when we hit 500, we won't start hating gay people as well. Well, here's hoping. It happens, though. He used to love them. Once he hits 700, I don't start hitting gay people as well. Well, here's hoping. It happens, though. He used to love them.

And then once he hit 700, I don't trust them. Always marshalling pride parades. Well, thank you very much for being our guest this week, and if you want to check out... Oh, yeah, anything else you want to say? Oh, sorry. No, we're just trying to get the word out. Just, yeah, we are citizenradio.com

or you can just type in citizenradio in iTunes, and then we're also, you know, email us anytime and if you want us to talk about stuff and you know we try to be as interactive as possible we're both on facebook and twitter allison blogs at allison kokeni.com thank you uh yeah i'm touring a lot too so like sydney but i'm taping my cd in minneapolis i'm sure you guys have lots of listeners there at Acme Comedy Club. I think we probably do, yeah. Yeah, so just stay in touch. Oh, we're more St. Paul. Oh, that's weird. But thank you so much for being our guest.

You guys are so funny. This was really fun. It was so fun. And yeah, if you enjoyed the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another steamy episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. podcasting yourself.