Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 137 - Moshe Kasher

Episode Date: October 26, 2010

Comedian Moshe Kasher joins us to say the most swears ever and talk about Australia. Meanwhile, Dave got engaged.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 137 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is the original son of anarchy, Mr. Dave Shumka. That's from a TV show I haven't watched. And I haven't watched it either, but it was the last kind of pop culture reference I heard before I watched it.

Sure, you're like a piece of silly putty. You're only good to slap on one cartoon at a time. Yeah. And our guest today, a very funny man joining us this week. He's playing at the club here in Vancouver this weekend from Los Angeles. Mr. Moshe Kasher is our guest. Hello, America. Just kidding. Hi.

Canada. Hello. There's people in America that listen to this. Shumka. That's right. Shumka in America that listen to this. Shumka. That's right. Shumka. Nailed it. Moe Shumka. I'm going to change my name to Moe Shumka.

Yeah, there's a lot of S's, H's, M's, and K's in our names. Yes, and homosexuality. There's a lot of... it's borderline. Ambiguities. Yeah, ambiguities. That's what it's about, right? Part of MaximumFun.org. Yeah, please. I don't feel like we're hitting Maximum Fun yet, but I brought something with me

that would bring it to the Maximum Fun level. I have some soft maple sugar candies. I don't know what those are. I don't know what those are either. They're like a Canadian situation. It's like moose meat or like smoked salmon or like killing

a native. It's a Canadian delicacy. And just kidding, everybody. And you guys should have one. Sure. Okay. So what is this? It's pure maple sugar.

It's pure maple sugar. Oh, God. Eat it. Take it. I'm trying to take it. All right. So yeah, I can't believe you guys don't know what this is. I felt like

hacky going into the store to buy one. No, you're broadening our horizons in our very own country. I think you got sold a bill of goods because no Canadian has ever eaten these. This is delicious. It has Canadian flags all over it. It says product, product

Canada in some kind of homosexuality language. Why does it say turkey on the side of the box? Because it's made of turkey. Anyway, guys. Glad I could introduce you to this most rich cultural treat. It's actually not bad. Of course it is. It's sugar. It's pure sugar.

Sugar from a tree. Just like corn sugar is the new corn syrup. Should we get to know us? Let's get to know us Get to know us It's not bad, are you just supposed to chew it straight? Or are you supposed to like I don't think there's much

Drop it in your coffee You drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot Yeah, drop it like it's hot In Tim's coffee There's not much chewing that needs to happen It'll just dissolve. So it's great for old people and people without teeth.

Yes. You're bar brawlers. You're bushwhackers. You're Alzheimer's patients. Do Alzheimer's patients lose their teeth? No, but they're old. They forget to brush. They are old.

They remember a happier time when they were brushing. Right. So what's going on in general, or what's happened interestingly recently? Is this getting to know each other? Yeah, we're just getting to know each other. It's casual. What's going on with the motion capture?

You want to know about my career? No, just what's happening with you. The most recent thing that happened was I took a cab ride over here in a cab. The entire cab smelled like a bad breath. The whole cab smelled like a bad breath. The whole cab smelled like I was inside of his mouth cavity. Are you sure it was the driver's bad breath?

I couldn't be sure at all. I didn't know the guy. I never smelled his breath before. But it smelled like bad breath, and bad breath is a real problem. In general, right? Yeah. Yeah, in society. Why don't they do public service announcements for bad breath is a real problem. In general, right? Yeah. Yeah, in society. Why don't they do public service announcements for bad breath?

Yeah. That's a good call. What they should do is they should have a sort of neutral person that lives in every town where you could go and breath him. And then he would tell you in an honest way, like, look, your breath stank. Smells like you've been eating shit. The shaman has told you that your breath stank. Yeah. He wouldn't be.

I don't know if he'd be a shaman. Well, he might be. You'd have to give him some sort of. Some other secondary job. Or you're just saying he would be the shaman of breath. Of breath. Yeah. Breath shaman.

Brahman. Brahman. From India. He was an Indian guy. Actually, the driver was Indian Indian So it all fits in An Indian cab driver What do they think of next In his country he's a doctor

Do you ever do that Do you ever tell people If they have bad breath like you I believe Real talk now I believe that the kind of. Yeah, we're into the real talk. Real talk. I believe that the kind of person I would like to be is the person who always tells a person when they have something in their teeth or they have a booger. Always.

Whether I know them or not, no matter what, I want to become the kind of person that's brave enough to always say it. And I am not that person yet. No, it's not even people I know. It has to be someone I really care about. I do it as often as I can. It's hard to do. I want to be the person that says you have something in your teeth. I want to be the person that says you just

said something racist and I'm not comfortable with that. But I'm not capable of doing that. That's a tough one. I think that's tough. What do you think's tougher? Saying you got a breath situation or you said something racist? Oh, you have bad breath i would say that it's easier to say you just said something racist than to say you have chronic bad breath because the racist thing they can take back but breath is uh breath is forever you know they say breath is forever it's actually not you can go to the doctor I had a friend, he will remain nameless for obvious reasons,

who had stanky shit breath. Was that his nickname? Will people be able to track this back on the internet? I had another friend who was like, finally mustered up the courage to say something to him. He was like, dude, your breath stinks. And inexplicably, the guy did nothing about it.

Wow. Like out of protest. But he came back around and my friend again said, look dude, you've got chronic halitosis. You've got to do something about it. Nothing changed. The next time he came around, my friend said, if you don't go to the doctor and take care

of your stinky bacteria breath, the next time I smell it in public, I'm going to say something in front of girls. and he did the guy didn't do anything shamed into it the guy didn't do anything and then the next time they were around a bunch of girls my friend was like your breath smells like you've been inhaling farts holding them in your mouth and then poofing them out and uh he finally did something guess what that guy's breath doesn't smell at all anymore. Wow. He went to the doctor.

What can you do? Some people, it's stomach things, and other people, it's like a... Actually, what you do is you go to Iceland, and you inhale their farts. And their farts, for some weird reason, don't stink at all, because they're all fairies.

Right, right, right. Everybody knows that who smelled a Bjork fart. Yeah, a Bjart. Bjart. A Bjart. A Bjart. That's what it sounds like when it comes out. Yeah, Bjart.

No, it sounds like this. Anyway, I was trying to do a Bjork impression. My friend Chelsea Peretti does a really good Bjork impression. You're dropping some pretty hefty names here. Yeah, well, I've only dropped one. Well, Bjork. Stanky McShit breath. Actually, speaking of Chelsea, she also introduced this great game, which I should probably

spread. It really fits into what we're saying. Because everybody is sort of low-grade paranoid about their own bad breath, everybody kind of has a thing like, what if I'm one of these people that has bad breath? Yeah, I'm super paranoid. So Chelsea started this game where you tell someone that their breath smells like farts, and

everyone will believe you. I suggest that everybody yeah pay that forward like next time you're on your friend you're like or any realist thing actually she did this on actually i shouldn't even mention this because she did this on mcmerrin's podcast she she already introduced this to the podcasting world this is this is copyright chelsea peretti right oh you you mentioned that uh and yeah anything smells like farts. And then they'll just think farty time. But this has already been...

You might want to edit this out. This is well-trodden territory. Yeah, you might want to... I don't know. If you don't... So how do you win this game? The person who tells the most people that they're... No, the way you win it is just by making your friends insecure.

So spreading insecurity creates a chance. But I think that's good because everyone can strive for excellence. Everyone's breath could be a bit better. That's true. I don't disagree with that. Yeah. What do you think? What does that lead to?

Compulsive toothbrushing? Because that seems like that would be a condition. No. You've got to take pills. Bad breath is in your stomach and in your soul. So if you've got some issues. Right. There's two things you need to do.

You need to pray. Just to make it today, we've got to pray. And the other thing you've got to issues right there's two things you need you need to pray just to make it today we got to pray and uh the other thing you gotta do yeah the other thing you gotta do and uh is take like pills yeah to yeah i remember there were ads uh they were for a product called breath assure yeah that were pills that and they had a little diagram of... And you scrape your tongue, too. Yeah, yeah. Rosie O'Donnell was a big proponent for that. And scoop balls. I don't know.

She had a lot of things. Gun control, scoop balls. The image of Rosie O'Donnell scraping her tongue is repugnant. Well, she said you should scrape it against a woman's vagina. Oh, that's nicer. But the Breath Assure, their ads, the spokesman was George Kennedy. From Cool Hand Luke. Yeah, from Cool Hand Luke.

And he was Leslie Nielsen's partner in Naked Gun. That's weird. Hi, I'm George Kennedy. And I got terrible breath. But I didn't always. Wait, no. Until Chelsea Peretti told me. Chelsea Peretti. But I didn't always. On Mark no. Until Chelsea Peretti told me. Chelsea Peretti on Mark Maron's podcast, WTF Pod.

Sorry, why did I drop? I shouldn't have dropped another name of another podcast. No, we're both fans of Mark Maron and his podcast. You were on his podcast. I was. I want to give a shout out to Mark Maron, Chelsea Peretti, both personal friends of mine. Big shots in the comedy community. Name some other comedians i'm probably friends with them i got a lot of connections oh um uh why do i suddenly shelly berman hated it shelly berman yes i never met

any of those old guys oh i met mort saul i Really? Yeah. What's Mort Sahl like? He's old. Is he a different guy than Morton Salt? That's not even a guy. That's a product. Oh, okay. That's an actual kind of salt. When it rains, it pours. Oh, right, right, right. Mort Sahl.

That's the Coppertone Baby, right? No, that's the Coppertone Baby. The Coppertone Baby is the Coppertone Baby. Morton Salt is Morton Salt, and Mort Sahl is a man named Mort Sahl, who's one of the originators of American... Who gave birth to the Coppertone Baby. That's right. And he goes back around with Kevin Bacon.

He gave birth to the Coppertone Baby out of his asshole, which is why it's called the Coppertone Baby, because it was a shit-colored baby. Because it was shit, actually. It was a shit baby. Shavy. A lot of people eat copper shavings. Yeah.

And, no, it's just that copper is brown. Shit is brown. Copper is sort of bronze. I would say copper is a copper copper. Oh, would you? Copper is sort of a copper copper. What kind of tone is it? Hey, you'll never catch me alive, copper.

Now, that line from James Cagney was actually originally spoken to a mound of copper, not to a police officer. But the producers of that film didn't feel like it had sort of narrative continuity. They replaced it with a police officer, which is where the term cop or copper comes from, from that interchange. And his vocal tone is known as a copper tone. That's correct. Wow. See, it's a copper tone.

I'm talking to Scott. Where did we uh oh you were saying that you met mort saw who was he was famous in the uh kind of the late 50s and 60s for going up on stage with a newspaper newspaper he's one of the original american stand-up comics he's really one of the he's one of the heavyweights of american stand-up comedy he always had a newspaper and was talking about topical stuff and him him and Dick Gregory would do a thing together, I think. Or they do a thing now together. I'm sorry. Like an old school guys of comedy type of thing.

That's a great name for a tour. I don't know about a tour. They were both really, really old. Have you ever seen Dick Gregory? Yes. He's pretty impressive. I don't even know who that is. Really? He was this guy. It is sort of racist. He left comedy to be...

Yeah, during kind of the Civil Rights Movement, he was very close to Martin Luther King Jr. He quit comedy to be a part of that movement. And he was in the same place whenever Martin Luther King Jr. was killed. Wow. was in the same place uh whenever martin luther king jr was killed yeah wow i thought you were gonna say quick comedy right when the name dick became unusable like yeah it became wiener yeah equivalent my dad my grandfather's name was dick which is interesting is it is it still like what like what was the point i feel like that... It couldn't have always been true because it used to be a popular name. Although our vice president

was Dick Cheney. It's not still popular. You're incorrect about that. I have friends my age named Richard. We're not talking about Richard. Oh, like people who shorten it to Dick. Dick Cheney. But Dick Cheney, he was a thousand odd years old.

Well, I would say he was more like an infinity years old because the Prince of Darkness has no birth and has no death. He is only evil. But he has many heart attacks, which is weird. Well, you know that Dick Cheney has 666 hearts, right? That's why he continues to live. As each one of his fat horrible death knell hearts dies he just enacts another one it's like a cow which is interesting because dick cheney's fat also he's a fat piece of shit devil man we're having a lot of fun but we we all have a lot of

great we have a great amount of respect for dick cheney yeah dick cheney can it's interesting it's ironically he's named dick cheney because he can eat a dick. He can eat a big fat... He literally can eat a dick. He could eat his big fat self. Dick Cheney can eat a big fat dick. This is like a roast. We're doing this in a fun way. We know he'd appreciate it.

Wait, why? Are you afraid of the Canadian FCC coming down on you for insulting... No, he's just... You mean the CFCC? Shaitan himself. There's an adult video store in this neighborhood called Big Riches. Oh, wow. Speaking of adult videos, I'd like to have a gay pornographic one where I fuck Dick Cheney up the ass with a cock so large it splits his fat self in two.

His fat back. He would just recongeal. Yeah. Like T-1000. Yeah. Yeah, see? Like T-1000. Yeah. Yeah, see? Like T-1000. Right, and then he would just change into Sarah Palin, who I also would love it if she had a heart attack and died, but unfortunately she's too young.

She's very healthy. She is. She does seem very healthy. She's fit. I think she lifts weights. I picture her lifting weights. Although she can't be that healthy because she did, in her gene pool, this Down syndrome. So there's something wrong with her.

Does that have to do with working out? You don't work out enough? That's right. If you don't stay on the cardio, then your kids will have to do yes. Or is it something you can develop over time? You mean like you were born regular, but eventually

you just moved down? Wow. Mort Sahl, eh? Mort Sahl.'s Mort Sahl eh Mort Sahl so Mort Sahl does not have Down Syndrome

nope um and he I met him because he he kind of hangs around this place

this great one-nighter called the Throckmorton in Marin County in California sort of a nice rich town

in uh right outside of San Francisco is maybe the best one-nighter in America. Really? The Stockholm theater, because Mort Sahl lives there.

Arch Barker lives there. Uh, although he moved to Australia, but he was living there. He moved to Australia. Yeah. We'll get, yeah.

Are we going to get to that? We'll get to that. Back off. And then, uh, Robin Williams lives there and Dana Carvey all live in that town. So they do drop-in sets all the time. So it's always packed, people hoping to see Dana or Robin.

I call them Dana or Robin because they're really close person to person. And anyway, so yeah, Ard's moved to, I think Ard's moved to, I don't know actually for sure. I know he's tremendously popular there. He is indeed. And I think that he moved to, I don't know actually for sure, but I think he moved to Australia. I know he's tremendously popular there. He is indeed. And I think that he moved there because of that popularity. You know, I would move to any place where I was popular. I think that's a decision I would have no trouble making. Define popular.

Anywhere where I could make a living just by being, doing Arj Barker's set. Two or more friends. Yeah. That's why I moved to Facebook. I was just in Australia. Sorry. No like we knew it.

We tried it. We tried it. I was actually just in Australia. No. Tell me more. That was super dope. Fun.

Mega fun. What was your favorite thing that you did in Australia? Toilets backwards. I didn't notice because I had one of those. Disappointingly, I had a toilet, like the Nouveau toilet that just goes, instead of whirl, whirl, whirl, whirl. You could have filled a sink, though.

What? You could have filled a sink with water. I could have shit in the sink and seen it. No, no, no. You don't have to have feces involved in it at all What? I'm confused I've never been to the southern hemisphere But that's all I would do

Just poo in the sink That's not a knife That's a pile of shit in the sink How many people told you that wasn't a knife? And why were you carrying around a knife that's a pile of shit in the sink how many people told you that that wasn't a knife and why were you carrying it was constant i wasn't carrying around a knife that's why they all said that oh you were carrying around a flashlight i was carrying around various things that's not a knife i'm like oh no i know but you were trying to do knife like things with it yeah salami or whatever yeah i understand uh yeah to be honest like crocodile dundee was literally everywhere

seriously yeah it was crazy like just every person looked like crocodile dundee what about yahoo sirius did he look like crocodile yahoo sirius actually i don't know if you know this he started yahoo.com and now he's the prime minister yeah Sirius Satellite Radio He really moved up in the world You know about raw dog comedy On Sirius Satellite Radio right That's all Yahoo That's all Yahoo Yahoo Sirius

Do you think he was really put out When Yahoo started and he was like I could have had Yahoo.com. I was going to register, but he was too lazy. You know how Gallagher's brother started touring under the name Gallagher 2? Yeah. You know that Yahoo Sirius' brother did as well.

Yahoo joking. Yahoo joking. Were you doing comedy in Australia? Yes, I was doing comedy in australia you just uh yes i was doing comedy at the sydney comedy store and was it good like did it translate brilliant yeah it was fucking brilliant uh it was amazing i had a great time they're great they're smart they're fun uh you know they're a little they're a little rowdy but they're they're good yeah the most funny thing

that uh that i learned is um you know about A Dingo Ate My Baby? You know that phrase? A dingo ate my baby. That's like ground zero. It's like a thing. Well, do you guys know what that's about? It's from a movie, isn't it? Ah, exactly.

But it's based on a true story. Hold on. Exactly. Don't ruin this. Okay, sorry. It's from a movie, right? A Cry in the Dark. Nobody knows exactly what movie.

Because I asked a ton of my friends, what do you think a dingo ate my baby is from? And by the way, this is a joke that is going to eventually become a real joke and make it into my stand-up act. So anybody out there trying to co-op this story, it's mine. Or it might be Chelsea Peretti's. It's definitely not. It's mine.

Chelsea's never been to Australia. But anyway, so I asked my brother and various people in the States, like, do you know what this Dingo Ate My Baby thing? They were all like, I don't know. I think it's from a movie, some movie I didn't see. Or didn't Seinfeld say it? Which he did, by the way. It was on an episode of Seinfeld. Elaine goes, maybe a Dingo Ate Your Baby.

But the hilarious slash horrible part is, no, it's not from a movie. It's from an actual thing that happened in Australia where a dingo ate a baby alive. Yeah. And then they locked the woman up in jail because they thought, no, you probably ate your baby. Guilty as charged. And then while she was in prison, the world decided that her dingo wild dog baby murder was hilarious. Like, just hilarious. And then they finally figured out that she didn't kill her baby and released her into the world.

That in her absence, her baby being murdered had become the world's joke. Where America's Jewish sweetheart, other than myself, Jerry Seinfeld, had actually said on his TV show, maybe a dingo ate your baby. I just imagine this woman watching that show like, no, a dingo did eat my baby. For sure, I was there. And it ate it. Because I watched it being chewed up.

Jerry Seinfeld, just to backtrack, is introduced as America's Jewish sweetheart? Well, to be fair, that's a part of the joke I'm trying to write about it. That line, I'll admit that. Okay. This is just a workshop of ideas. Yeah, and then the other funny part was that I was talking to Australians about it, and I was like, how crazy that was.

And they were like, well, you know, to be honest, Australians didn't really care for that lady. Like, in the trial, she was acting really weird. Oh, really? Why was that? The lady whose baby was eaten alive by a wild dog was acting a little strange? Yeah. No wonder you didn't like that bitch.

They like the one whose baby was put in a kangaroo pouch and carried around for three hours. Oh, that sounds cute. Doesn't it, though? Is that real? No. That would be cute. It would be terrifying for the baby because there's like a baby-making mucus in that pouch. Oh, is there? It's not like a soft furry pouch.

I'd love to fuck a kangaroo and it's baby making mucus. I got some baby making mucus myself. Hey! Go! You were in Australia. You could have had sex with a kangaroo. But you passed it up. Because their tails are very muscular

so in order to get to the kangaroo pussy, you would have to... No, it's in the pouch. You would have to really... Wait, the pussy's in the pouch? Yeah, everybody knows that. You know, that's from the commercial for kangaroos. Hey, get a kangaroo. The pussy's in the pouch.

My mom's going to love this episode. I know, yeah. Is this a clean podcast? Not anymore. Because I don't do that. Yeah, this guy doesn't do that. I'm filthy in a way. He fucks a kangaroo for God's sake.

He didn't fuck a kangaroo. He takes baby making mucinex. I lack the strength to fuck a kangaroo, which is why people are so burly and surly. Was it strength or was it courage? Why would they be surly? Oh, because it's so hard to have sex with a kangaroo. Come here, you kangaroo. Courage.

What's the thing that makes a man want to fuck a kangaroo? Courage. So lions fuck kangaroos in Australia? That's right. They don't even have lions in Australia. The lions will fly in from Africa just to fuck a kangaroo. It's a real tourism destination. Yeah, it's sex tourism.

Men go to Thailand to fuck boys, and lions go to Australia to fuck roos. Men also go to Thailand to fuck girls. Yeah. That's true. Or girly boys. Yeah. Or children. Oh, lordy.

The world. What's going on with you, Graham? What is going on with me? You're boring. Back to me. No, go ahead sorry um i uh here's something that came up amongst a conversation with a group of people uh past guests of the show we're talking about uh like i don't want to have a huge giant beard forever yeah i have one now uh but i'm thinking about doing away with it having a shorter beard for a time

but then we talked about what can I do with my beard in the meantime and I've started, this was Charlie Demers' idea that I should start painting things with it as a paintbrush and selling them online so like you don't have any arms

yeah yeah yeah like I would tie it into the shape of the paintbrush my left beard yeah and I would paint the diving beard and the butterfly exactly so that I would paint things and I think this will be a really great gift to

your loved ones during Christmas so if anybody wants me to paint them something with my beard a Graham Clark original it's funny that you mention the beard because I've been talking to people lately about how sometimes comedians who are bearded feel trapped by their beards. Their beard becomes such a

part of their comedic persona that they feel they can't shave them off and they're very bearded. Is that right? What is it that they reference it so many times in their acts? It becomes a part of their look. Kyle Kinane a part of their look. Kyle Kinane has a very distinctive look.

And his album cover is, in fact, a silhouette, not of him, but just of the beard. So I don't know if Kyle experiences that, but I've talked to other comics. Alex Cole was a comic, a good friend, who had a very large beard for a long time, and he sort of felt like a beard bearded comic and weirdly and beardly he was he and um brendan walsh another bearded yeah another bearded comic auditioned for just

for laughs on the same year they both had a callback and i think brendan went that year and alex went the next year and i think they both sort of feel that the reason they weren't both selected that year was because they couldn't have two bearded, big bearded comics. And they're like, oh, we've got our beard quote. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, beard tokenism. Yeah.

Yeah, because, I mean, Zach Galifianakis has gotten all the way to making movies where in every movie he has a beard. Yes. So, yeah, I guess maybe it does become a... It's a thing, isn't it? I guess so. I mean, I just saw, what's a... It's a thing, isn't it? I guess so. I mean, I just saw, what's his name that used to be on Home Improvement?

He's still Richard Karn. Yeah, Richard Karn, yeah. I like that you referenced him. Also, there's the guy, the paint-by-numbers guy. Oh, with the Afro. Bob Ross. Bob Ross, a great stand-up comedian. Yeah, a great stand-up comedian.

Him, Mort Sahl, and Dick Gregory. He didn't paint by numbers, though, did he? I don't know. He just painted. Yeah, he painted. He painted from his heart. That's what you say when it's like somebody's phoning in a performance. You're like, oh, Bob Ross is really painting by the numbers today when he doesn't put his whole...

His formulaic paintings. Yeah, exactly. And then who else was a famous comedian? Moses. Moses, yeah. Moses from the Bible. Moses. Really good stand-up. Yeah, exactly. And then who else was a famous comedian? Moses. Moses, yeah. Moses from the Bible. Moses. Really good stand-up.

Michael Angelo. Michael Angelo, yeah. Not the Ninja Turtle. Although, he was the funny one of the group. We think we can all agree. Yeah. Spoon Man. A lot of Hell's Angels are very good stand-up comics.

Santa Claus. Or Sinterklaas. Odin. Yeah, sure. Odin the God. Odin. Odin. Yeah, sure. Odin the god. Odin. Santiago from that one season of Project Runway. Yeah.

Okay. Exactly what I was going to say. A lot of transgendered, female to male transgendered people are attempting to become stand-up comedians. Oh, right. Through the use of testosterone. Chaz Bono. Eventually will become a stand-up comedians through the use of testosterone. Chaz Bono. Eventually will become a stand-up comedian.

He's working on it. A bearded ladies at the... The comedy trio ZZ Top. That's correct. That's funny you say that because there is actually a comedy trio,

real talk, called the Beards of Comedy. That is true. They're an Atlanta-based bearded comedy, stand-up comedy group. It's weird because I just have a beard

because I enjoy having a beard. What do you enjoy about it? I don't know. That's a good question. Do you hate shaving? Yes, absolutely. Do you eat pussy? Oh, please. No, when you eat pussy...

Oh, come on. Why? Alright, fine. Forget it. You guys are total just... Sissies. That's never come up. I know. That's never come up. I know. That's never come up?

On the show, no. Pussy eating? Yep. That's not one of the great ubiquitous experiences of life. Eating, sleeping, pussy eating. And then sleeping on a pussy? Sleeping on a pussy. Oh, come on.

Sorry, you can edit this all out. How? What do you mean how? Don't you can edit this all out. How? Yeah. What do you mean how? Don't you know how to edit your own podcast? Yeah, but if I edit it all out, it'll be a 40-second show.

I think this is probably one of the funniest shows you've ever had. Probably. So, yeah, if anybody wants... What was I selling? Was I selling shitting on something? Oh, no. You were... Beard paintings. selling? Was I selling shitting on something? Oh, no.

You were... Beard paintings. Beard paintings of you shitting in a pussy sink in Australia. A sink's pussy. Yeah. Which is its drain, when you think about it. Which I don't think about. Yeah, don't give me too much thought.

Start! So, yeah, that's really... I mean... Dave, are you genuinely uncomfortable right now? I'm just worried about our listeners We have a lot of very young children Fuck your listeners I disagree with that statement No, I like your listeners a lot It's a good people

It's a good people Especially, you know, Italian stereotypes Love them Stop podcasting. I love the part. Stop a-podcasting yourself. I love it. My name is Mario. Obey Mario.

Destroy Mario. Welcome to Mario Kart. So you were talking about selling paintings made of your beard as if you were a quadriplegic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not going to sell them like... Not collages. I'm not going to sell them like... Not collages of his beard. I'm not going to try and pretend that...

I'm not going to... It's not under any false pretense that I am a quadriplegic or that this is the only way I can paint. This is, would you like to have a painting that was done with my beard and paint? And will you use your hands at all? Nope. Like, even to guide your chin? Nope.

I will form it into what is roughly a paint brush, and then I will try and paint. Will you put your hands behind your back like a... I'll put my hands on the table. Like a pie-eating contest? Yeah, it'll be like a pie-eating contest. Will you arch your back and put oils on it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On my back? Oils on my back. Like, for effect, you mean. Will you be receiving a massage while you do it? Hey, hey, hey, Dave. On my back? Or else on my back? Yeah. Like, for effect, you mean. Yeah. Will you be receiving a massage while you do it? Hey, hey, hey, Dave. I'm a little uncomfortable with where this is going. Listen.

I just think you're better than that. I'm not better. That's the truth. I'm not better than that. I have some more questions about your beard. Go on. Wait. Oh, have you guys seen catfish oh no

no this reminds me a bit of catfish some sort of facebook yes well what i i don't know what it's a movie about it stars jesse eisenberg as mark zuckerberg oh yeah well like mark zuckerberg yeah the creator of catfish.com right uh no catfish should do a movie With Yahoo! Series as the creator of Yahoo! That would be cool I would watch that Directed by Paul Hogan I can't take it anymore I gotta talk about shit and the pussies

No, I'm sorry It had been a while We all have our things We all have our struggles Okay, yes, Catfish, go Catfish is a difficult movie to describe Without sort of ruining it Please, I'm never going to see this movie

No, I won't ruin it for your viewership Because I care about them Or listenership So there's not going to be any spoilers here Spoiler alert, no spoiler alert I won't spoil But what I will say is it's a very interesting movie Because the trailer

It's almost like the trailer is a part of the movie the movie is much better i think if you see the trailer first okay all right it makes it's a part of the experience it's a part of the the whole weird sort of twisty bait and switch of the whole movie which is cool but the movie is about a guy a a sort of New York metropolitan Jew. A little bit of venom there? No, I'm a Jew. I'm just kidding. I know, but you still had it.

No, I was joking. He's a photographer, and he starts getting these paintings from a sort of little girl, Wunderkin painter in Middle America. It was apparently a child genius painter. He starts this relationship with this little girl girl which then leads to a relationship with her entire family which then leads to a weird romance with her older sister and then things just get psyched fucked and really weird and i'm glad you censored yourself and it it's real. You're almost going to say it's psychotic. And then things just get,

I don't know, they just get pussy shit. I think I saw that before. It was a documentary called My Kid Could Paint That. Oh, yeah. And it was about a child artist. Well, this is, I don't know, it's weird, man. Is it was about a child artist. Well, this is... I don't know.

It's weird, man. Is it the same movie? It is not. It's called Catfish, which I introduced at the beginning. Like, Dante's Peak and Volcano are the same movie, right? True.

So, Catfish and Piranha 3D are probably the same movie, right? Sounds similar. I want to go see Jackass 3D. Yeah, same here. Real bad. Yeah. Maybe even today.

Or maybe I'll go on when I get back to LA. That doesn't matter. Why am I talking about this? No, it's great. Because I watched Jackass 2 last weekend. It was on TV. First time ever?

No. No, no, no. But I just remembered how funny I thought it was. Yeah. I can make a point that will connect to this podcast. I'm ready. For all the work that you... You're a stand-up too, right?

Yes. For all the work that we all do as stand-ups all the jokes we write like all the the fine tuning of our technique and for all the work that like rob reiner has done and all these amazing you know and and aaron sorkin these great writers you know and just all these wonderful uh comedies nothing will ever be as funny as jackass 2 it's depressing in a way yeah because you're there was a i don't know the last time that i actually laughed out loud like really like belly laughed at a movie yeah that's what i mean like certainly the movies you know when harry met sally or something whatever

your thing is that you love is more of a work of art it's more genius it's more intelligent certainly and they're they're great brilliant hilarious things nothing made me laugh as much as watching jackass 2 yeah i was watching and it was just by myself too which is that's the even rarer yeah thing when you're laughing at something you've already seen by yourself and you're still belly laughing yeah it's crazy also i would say uh to be fair the other thing that's made me laugh that much is uh is borat made me laugh almost that much and the original ollie g series the british ollie g series uh when like right when i first figured out what it was i mean because by the time i got to hbo you

already kind of knew what it was that made me laugh like i a lot yeah a lot and i the one movie that made me laugh till i thought I was going crazy, and it was before, it was literally the opening night of it, so I didn't even know what it was, was when Napoleon Dynamite first came out. Oh, really? I thought it was so funny. That's interesting. And then

everybody who saw it after it got popular said, that's the worst thing ever. And I could see why, because if you knew what it was going in, it would have spoiled it. That's so weird. I loved the movie, but certainly didn't laugh at it the way that I laughed at

Jackass. Well, I didn't even know what it was about. I just knew the title of the movie. That's all I knew. And I thought it was so funny. Also hilarious, Boys Don't Cry. Have you ever seen that? Just kidding. Well, if you don't know that it's not just about boys crying, or not crying, or the lack thereof. So, we got to know Moshe.

We got to know me and my beard painting scheme. By the way, I haven't seen Jackass 2. Oh, it's really good. There's a scene with bees in a limousine. That's Jackass 3. That's probably the funniest thing. No, that's Jackass 2. Oh, they do bees again this time.

Oh, wow. I haven't seen it yet, but apparently it's... I would like to see them try and perfect that bees thing from the second one. Well, you know how each Jackass, you're like, oh my God, what are they going to do this time to up the ante? I think, my guess, unfortunately, is that in Jackass 3D, what they did to up the ante was film the movie in 3D. Yeah. I don't think they really upped the ante based on the trailer I've seen. Jackass 2 was, I mean... The limo scene is, I don't think they really upped the ante based on the trailer I've seen. Jackass 2 was...

I mean... The limo scene is... I don't know if I've laughed that hard in it. No spoilers. I mean, it's not... It's just... You can't believe it. You cannot believe the things that they're doing and that no one died. Yeah, and that nobody even broke a bone or... It's insane.

Yeah, I don't know. I want to be as tough as those guys. Yeah, Shumka. Shumka's got some Yeah. I don't know. It's really insane. I want to be as tough as those guys. Yeah. Shumka. Shumka. Shumka's got some news. This was a big week. Shumka-wise. Yeah. I wanted to save this for the pussy shit episode. I'm gonna get a lot of listeners on this. Yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. It's gonna go up.

People love both of those things. This week, big news. I got engaged to a lady. Mazel tov. Thank you. Isn't that outstanding? Yeah, that's great. I have a friend who's engaged.

The one that I just met or a different girlfriend? Same one, yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. That is really beautiful. Isn't it, though? Yeah. Yeah.

It's two young lovers. Two become one. The way that young lovers do. Lovers do. Who's that? Van Morrison. Oh, okay. Do you want Moshe to sing at your wedding? Yeah, I would like you to sing more of that at our wedding. And so,

any questions? I'm now taking questions from the crowd. It was announced on Jordan, Jesse Go. Oh, good. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. I haven't heard that yet. Well, they said congratulations.

I just heard that today when I was listening to their podcast from this week. Thanks, everybody. And yeah, everybody on the internet was saying congratulations. Because in this day and age, you don't know who you have to tell before you just change your Facebook status. Yeah. Right. So we told our families, and then we're like, okay. I knew before you changed it.

Oh, did you? I just found out. But then again, it would have been weird if I had known already. Yeah, that would have been weird. I am in my on my Facebook status I am in a relationship with stand up comedy which is clever

but it's mostly when are you guys getting married when are you going to make stand up comedy I'm married to my art married to my art but the real reason

I did it is so that if I ever do get a girlfriend unlikely I won't ever have to change my status because I don't I abhor the thought of people

being like oh what happened who's a lucky girl who's the unlucky girl oh yeah oh yeah who is she pathetic girl poor girl blah blah blah i just could give a shit also my friends just got married this is another point my friend just got married and she updated her status to married and some other friend of ours goes felt it polite to write in her thing in capital letters finally your patience

paid off I just thought you fucking asshole we've been dating for 10 years and so people on Facebook don't know not to write about time fuck you you should just write back fuck you guess who just got uninvited So people on Facebook don't know not to write about time. I know.

Fuck you. You should just write that. Fuck you in their status. Guess who just got uninvited? Yeah. About time. I've been wondering. I've been sitting in my life thinking about your life a lot lately.

Yeah. Fuck you. TikTok. Yeah. My best friend, Jesse, he was with his- I wish I was Jesse's girl. Well, speaking of Jesse's girl, he was with Jesse's girl for like seven, eight years. And this other lady who's not really friends with him came up to him and goes, listen, there comes a time in every relationship where you got to shit or get off the pot.

And he was like, oh, now, am I? Who's the shit? Is it my girl? Is she the shit or is she the pot? Is proposing the shit? Is it my girl? Is she the shit? Or is she the pot? Is proposing the shit? Is the shit my love that I will shit on her? Like, people are the worst, man, about this kind of stuff.

They are the worst. Because the second that you guys get hitched, everybody will start asking, when's our baby? When's our baby? When's our baby? Because that's the only way things can happen in 2010. Yes. A very long engagement. I saw a Katherine Heigl trailer that said otherwise.

Am I right about that? That families can be other things except a conventional marriage and then a baby. Sometimes there can be a baby. Was the baby in a diaper drinking a bottle while Josh Duhamel was in a diaper-shaped underwear drinking a beer? Yeah. Oh, I know this. Yeah, so like in 2010, a baby and two strangers can raise a baby and fall in love. A baby and two strangers can raise a baby?

Yeah, the movie is called Three Individuals, one of which is a baby and a baby. No, two of which are babies, but one of which is separated from the first baby as a kind of authority raising the other it's a clunky name it's like three men and a baby except it's two men and a baby no it's a man a woman a baby and a baby raising a baby yeah yeah raising a sequel is a man a woman a little boy raising a little lady. Eventually, it's two senior citizens, a regular adult, and another adult just living. Just hanging out.

Living. Congratulations. The subtitle is Who Switched Diapers? Congratulations. It's fantastic. Do you have a date? I think I'll probably bring Abby. Okay. Well done. Abby. Oh, okay.

Well done. Yes. Yes. Toast. Yes. It'll be next summer. Very nice. Nice.

Summertime. And you're both invited. I'm not invited. And you know that that's true. Well, no, I could invite you and it would be a nice gesture. But what if I showed up like... What if? You won't invite me. You'll never send me an invite, obviously.

But then I just show up at the wedding and be like, but you invited me on the podcast. We haven't spoken since that. I brought a date and stuff. Well, yeah. The date. Well, you can sit at my table. All right. Yeah, you're welcome. You can stand under my umbrella. We have no...

I don't like the idea of planning this wedding. Just watch one of those shows on TLC. That'll guide you through it. Newlyweds, nearly deads. Say yes to the dress. Speaking of people saying things about getting married, there's a very Jewish thing.

It's at a wedding. We come up to a single guy, and you'll go like, You're next. we come up to like a single guy and you'll go like no so soon by you that's what they'll say to you like you're next you know and so my cousin plays these weddings all the time he's a musician

in this like Jewish rock band what are they called what's the name oh please let's have a hilarious name Moshov is what they're called they're actually a good band sounds pretty good yeah but

so they just always would come up to him like no so soon by you no so soon by you and like it's like this complete strangers would be saying this. And finally, he got so sick of it, this old Hasidic Jewish guy came up to him. And he's like, no, sir, sunbae-yo. And he just goes, fuck you. And the guy's like, what?

And he goes, fuck you. And then walked away. So that's what you should do at these places. And that story became the movie The Wedding Singer. Do you want to move on to Overheard? Please. Overheard. We never even asked how you proposed.

I did ask. You did? I did. There was no response. You go back to the audio file feed. All right. You know that I asked. Well, you know that in, have you seen Sweet Home Alabama?

No. Well, Patrick Dempsey takes Reese Witherspoon. He shuts down Tiffany's. And it's just the two of them. And he lets her pick out any ring in the store. Yeah. Well, I did the same thing, but in a Denny's bathroom with a Jostens catalog. I've been working on that one.

That's pretty good. Yeah. So that's why hers says Grad 98. Yeah. No, it wasn't much because she knew it was coming. How'd she know it was coming? She, well, we. You left the ring somewhere in the house in a bag?

I had, I went through a guy who made the ring by hand. Wow. And, like, so she had to go in for a fitting and stuff. Oh, she already knew. Yeah. But, like, she didn't know when it was, when it was going to happen. Whoa, the suspense must have been killing her. Yeah. She's like, it could happen this week. Oh she already knew Yeah But like she didn't know When it was When it was gonna happen Whoa The suspense must have been

Killing her Yeah She's like It could happen this week That's why she Next week She told everyone I know To say about time

Ah Finally Finally Your patience paid off Soon for you or whatever Soon by you Soon by you No well I would say that to Graham

Not you I'm like Oh he's got married Soon by you Yeah And then I would say Here's Graham, not you. I'm like, oh, he's got married. Yeah, soon by you. And then I would say, here's one of my patented beard paintings on the house. No, I just, like we were going for a walk and I whipped it out. You whipped it out?

Yeah. And then what did you do with the ring? No, the ring was on it. Oh, your ring. Why you got a little ass dick a little shit oh yeah no you're right um yeah because you would have to no no it's like uh it's it's all about perspective right it's all about like compared compared to how close it is to the ring right and compared to like an aunt or a baby or a baby aunt or no no i don't even mean relativity i'm talking about

just remember that human eye. You know that the theory of relativity is a baby ant's penis equals MC Hammer Reverend Square if you got to pray just to make it today. Yeah, didn't he do a thing for Kentucky Fried Chicken as well? That factored into that. Wait, Albert Einstein, a baby ant, or MC Hammer? I'm not sure about the baby ant, actually, now that you bring it up. Why am I being ignored?

Although, actually, did he do a popcorn chicken? He did? Yeah. And you know that the Colonel was actually a famous stand-up comedian. Call back. Yeah, beard. So now, Overheard. If you've heard the podcast before, you know that each and every week we do an Overheard segment.

And we always like to start with the guest. And Moshe, you have one, right? You came equipped. I've got two because one might be weak. Do you want a bookend? Do you want to go with the weak one? We'll go around and come back to you? Yeah, all right.

All right. Actually, this happened last night during Dave Shumka's comedy set. Very funny. Funny. He is funny. He's a funny guy. Was this the early or the late comedy set. Very funny. Funny. He is funny. He's a funny guy. Was this the early or the late? This was the early.

Okay. Where there was this one table and there was this guy, he's a very particular kind of guy who goes to comedy shows who like, he's just like a, like, it's like this selfish guy who's all about like making sure that the people at his table know that he's funnier at all times than anything that's ever happened. So everything is all about him and his commentary. I'll be him. So Dave, do your chocolate lab joke. Okay.

Or any joke you want, a short one. Sure. And I'll be this guy and how he was to his friend. I will end the chocolate lab joke. And we had a chocolate lab and it died. That's not right. that kind of guy and um so last night uh you did uh a joke and he was doing that the whole time it's so obnoxious it was just like saying like whatever thing would come to him and finally you did a joke and he turns to his date and he goes comedians i was like yeah

fucking comedians you stupid piece of shit always telling jokes you're at the comedy club you fucking moron you know comedians i gotta tell you they're always joking about yeah that literally was what it was like that was a risque joke you know comedians always joking about it. That literally was what it was. Like, that was a risque joke. You know comedians. Always joking around. Yeah. Fuck yeah. You know what else we do, which is less well-known, is cut the heads off of people like you. And then I did.

We're kind of like Highlanders that way. That's right. There can only be one. Comedian. Comedian. That's what Last Comic Standing is all about. Boom! Dave, do you have an overheard?

That may have broken the microphone. My overheard is a series of overheards. There was this one character on the bus one day this morning. One morning this week. He was Somalian. He was talking to everyone. Somalian? Well, he said... Someone said Somalian because someone he was talking to everyone Somalian? well he said

you say Somali I say Somali and the guy was like no it's Somalian fair enough so he would know better than I or you I assume unless you're Somali ok also things you need to know is the bus driver

was Asian I like it already Okay, also Things you need to know is the bus driver Was Asian I like it already And there was A Like an old white hippie guy With like a Rastafarian hat Or Rastafarian, depending on

Let's call the whole thing off Okay, so He just said a few things and i just who is who which race which race said this this is all the somalian guy okay or somalian uh uh so i get on somalian is one thing this is like i'm that's where i met him i met a man once in somali and somalian is what i do when i go skate you go what some ollieing huh oh come on in a joke book it would be a brackets to explain how right right somalian all right some ollieing yeah um okay so i got on the bus and uh everyone i can tell everyone's already kind of uncomfortable

around this guy and he's uh he's mad that everyone's so uptight and he says i'm a little bit black a little bit white a little bit orange a little bit pineapple and then just like a waving flag and then it goes back and then he uh uh gets up because he's he wants to go over to the hippie uh because, as he claims, people in this country are so serious. So he sits next to the guy and introduces himself. And he puts out his hand and says, hello, my name is Isaac Hayes. Was it Isaac Hayes? No.

Isaac Hayes is dead. And then, so the bus stops at a bus stop. And this guy. Wait a minute. Go back and say that again. the bus stops at a bus stop, and this guy... Wait a minute. Go back and say that again. The bus stops at a bus stop. This story is crazy. The bus was doing its job.

It could follow orders. Like a flag. And remember that the bus driver was Asian, and so the bus is about to leave the stop, and the Somalian guy... Somalian. Thank you. Well, he was on a skateboard at this point. Okay. And he realizes he's about to miss his stop and the somalian guy well thank you uh well he was on a skateboard at this point okay uh and he realizes he's about to miss his stop and he says whoa whoa hold up china man no

what did china man do he stopped he let the guy out like that's me what are you gonna do oh let the guy stay on the bus for longer. For calling you Chinaman? Yeah. Okay, yeah, that's weird. Wow. Racist. Black people can't be racist, though. Oh, because of the power dynamic? Yeah. I always say, I've got to retort to that,

because I've heard that before, that people of color can't be racist because racism is only, and by definition, a thing that is done by the dominant power force to an unempowered, underprivileged Was it always that eloquent? Actually, usually it just says,

fuck you in the shit pussy. But, um, but some people will say that. They'll be like, oh, people of color can't be racist. And then I'll go, oh, okay, fine. Well, whatever thing it is that they're doing that looks just like racism, that's okay, fine. Well, whatever thing it is that they're doing that looks just like racism, that's what I mean.

Post-racism. Oh, yeah. Whatever thing that is. Ignorance. It was bliss, I thought. Was everybody happy after he did that? No, everyone was really uptight. He was right.

People in this country are so serious. Just like a waving flag. Pineapple. He was right. People in this country are so serious. Yeah. Just like a waving flag. Pineapple. Chinaman pineapple. Graham, do you have an overheard? Kind of. Oh. No. I was downtown, and there

was somebody trying to park a van on the sidewalk, and I was waiting for the cross light to happen, and I saw the van coming towards me, and I was about to get out of the way, and then I thought, wait a minute, fuck this guy, I'm on the sidewalk. This is where I have, I'm 100% positive I'm in the right, and the guy trying to park his van on the sidewalk is in the wrong. And there was two ladies trying to like guide him onto

the sidewalk so i was like you know what i'm not even gonna move an inch this guy can wait until i'm gone it was a very old man thing to do but uh like this is where i draw the line yeah sure uh i pay my taxes so this lady i'll feed my kid exactly and uh this lady kept yelling at me sir sir sir could you move sir and i wouldn't move no not at all like i was like this is it this is this is my rosa parks mom yeah exactly and uh she she kept saying sir sir sir and i wouldn't move i wouldn't even acknowledge that she was talking to me. And then when the light changed and I was about to cross the road, the last thing I heard her say was,

why does that keep happening? That's funny. They just go around town parking on sidewalks next to pedestrians trying to move them. And apparently people are like, we've had enough of this. That is funny. And you had another one.

Oh, I guess this one. Well, this isn't really an overheard as much as a thing that happened in conversation. Sounds great. Love it. But here at the first night of the show, Thursday night, you know that I went out with those girls after the show? Oh, yeah, yeah. The table of girls. The table of crazy girls.

Wait a minute. I want to hear about this. Table of crazy girls. Explain. Explain. It didn't. Well, there was just this, like, four hot girls, and and they invited me out afterwards and i just pared down to two and we got to the restaurant and um and the door the doors were playing okay and and i was like i feel like part

of the process of becoming an adult is acknowledging that the doors are a shitty band ah yes and um she was one of the girls was like, really not into that concept. You know, she was really upset about that idea that I just said. And then it came out at some point that she'd traveled to Paris to go to Jim Morrison's grave.

Wow. She was like, really into it. And I was like, oh, I was like kind of like trying not to offend her. So I was like, try to backtrack a little bit. And then I started talking about how Jim Morrison's body had actually been exhumed from that graveyard because the hippies going to pilgrimage to his grave had become unruly.

Yeah, yeah. She kind of denied that and then finally acknowledged that it was true. She's like, but there is still a bust there, and it's still a very powerful place. For example, when I went, I went went there one day and there was this cat this black cat that was sitting on top of the of the monument to jim morrison and then when i came back the next day that cat was still there and i was like so so what what are you saying what does that mean and she goes the cat was jim morrison and that's when i realized i could probably fuck her but i didn't i did not in fact she went home the doors are are terrible they are bad

but i nearly actually jim morrison i nearly got in a fist fight with an ex-roommate over that yeah i think we talked about that. Yeah, he idolized him. He was playing them all the time. And I told him, I said, you realize that the doors were like the Bon Jovi of their day. And he threw something at me.

Immediately? Yeah. You said Bon Jovi of their day and then the thing came across the door. It wasn't like... It was like he grabbed whatever was at hand and then... The doors suck. They're just sanctimonious, preachy. You know, I mean...

He filled out a pair of leather pants nicely. We can all agree with that. It's not like it was bad music. It's just that as you get a little older, you're like, oh, I get the trick they were doing. It's like, whoosh, it's me. I had big imagery. I'm Roo.

You know? Ride the snake. One thing that Roo recently started doing that I love is when someone dies young or like talking about someone who died young a long time ago. And then, because John Lennon would have turned 70

on the 9th of October. And so one thing I like to do is, did you know that if Jim Morrison was alive today, he'd be 34 years old? Just do the math away, Ron. And a cat. If Kurt Cobain was alive today, he'd be 17. She meant it.

Do you think if there was a... She meant that the cat was Jim Morrison. She meant it. Was the cat a shit pussy? Do you think if there was a... She meant that the cat was Jim Morrison. She meant it. Was the cat a shit pussy? Do you think if there was... Shumka. That's my line. If there was a grasshopper on the gravestone, do you think she would have thought that was Jim Morrison?

Probably not, because I don't think that grasshoppers stimulate the crazy girl gene as much as cats. It's got to be a cat. They don't have the occult. Because eventually that girl is going to have seven different Jim Morrisons in her one-bedroom apartment. But yeah, if she thought that it was Jim Morrison,

why wouldn't she just take the cat with her? I don't know. Like, does she think that Jim Morrison should be free for everybody to feed? Free to eat out of a garbage can? Yeah, she wasn't... If his body was still there, she wasn't going to exhume it and bring it back to feed. Free to eat out of a garbage can. Yeah, she wasn't... If his body was still there, she wasn't going to exhume it and bring it back to America. I didn't tell you the other part of the story, which is that the cat the whole time was going,

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. If you give this dog a cat bone. Why didn't you tell us that part of the story? Yeah. It really capped it off nicely. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

That's the piano organ thing. That was Oliver Stone's second choice to play the role. The two of us. Watch out for that overdose! Alright, and we have listeners who have sent in overheards. If you want to send in your overheard, you can send it

to stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com and our first one comes from Katie G. Katie G, I was in Jasper, Alberta during this past summer and went rafting with my boyfriend on the bus out to the raft launch, which is about a 20-minute ride. All the participants were just chatting away with each other. Behind my boyfriend and I sat a family from Fort Saskatchewan.

The mom and dad were directly behind us and the three kids were behind them on a single bench. Get to the point, KDG. So anyways, they were chatting and there was a young guy from New Zealand also on the bus

and at one point... And a Chinaman. And a Chinaman. And he was like pineapple waving flag um they're chatting away for a few minutes when the dad friendly and eager asked the guide if he was from canada which was evident that he was not no says the guide i'm actually from new zealand ah new zealand says the dad the bc of europe of Europe. That is weird. It's so off in every possible

direction that you could have... It could be the BC of Oceania. Yeah, sure. Yeah. What is it? It's something of Australia. Oh, I heard. Oh, you went to Australia.

I went to Australia and they, went to australia and they this is interesting they described the relationship that australia has to new zealand as very similar to the relationship that america has with canada i've heard that actually so there you go uh so what is our relationship is that america looks down on canada no that it's like... They dominate our culture? That it's like, you know, a pretend rivalry. Like a fake but affectionate rivalry. Oh, okay. You know, that kind of thing. Like, oh, we hate those guys, but we don't actually.

It's actually an affectionate thing. Like two dudes who like to compete but really would like to smooch. Yeah. Kind of a thing. And little brother, I would say. On the other side of the planet, people can't tell you apart. Right. I can't tell Australians and New Zealanders apart. Sorry.

Right. Sorry. Well, they don't know the difference. I get it. I'm going to do that. Somali. Somali. The second one comes from R. Brent S. What? I don't know. Buying lunch.

Veteran cashier training new cashier. Trainer. Can I just start with rsbrent is a much more to-the-point guy than KDG. Oh, no doubt. This is it. This is right to the overhurt. Yeah. KD really wanted to paint us a picture with her beard.

With her beard. With her beard. Which you can buy for your loved ones. Please. Yes. Yeah. Katie really wanted to paint us a picture with her beard. With her beard. With her beard. Which you can buy for your loved ones. Please. Yes. Yes. Awful. I like that this has become one of those kind of rivalries where you're seeing how many

times you can say that and make David angry. Buying lunch. Veteran cashier. Training new cashier. Trainer. And then you push this button to make this thing come up. And then you push this. to make this thing come up. And then you push this. Trainee, trainer.

Oh, have you ever cashiered before? Trainee, not professionally. As a hobby. Yeah. In my basement. My dad gave me a kit when I was a kid. Yeah, I have an Easy Bake Oven. That I used to cash. That'll be four

cupcakes. Cupcakies. Alright, this last one comes from Iris. Iris. No last initial nothing. I'm a historian and have to do lots of research in our city archives.

Usually most people in the reading room are elderly people researching their family tree. Now, where is the shit pussy clan originally come from? The SPs as they were called in their day.

Our family crest is a brown mountain. Why would it be a big brown mountain? Shit. With a big cat head behind it There we go With a Jim Morrison standing on top Last Wednesday I was working there

And next to me was an elderly couple Doing some family tree research together While you are now Not allowed to talk in the reading room Whispering is allowed However the whisper rule in combination with perhaps light deafness, created some stress on the couple's marriage. The result was a very annoyed and inconsistent whispering. Old lady to her husband, will you stop flipping the page so quickly?

Old man, what? Old lady, stop flipping the page so fast. Old man. I don't know what you're talking about. Old lady. Stop flipping the page so fast. Old man. I heard you.

I just don't agree. I like that guy. Yeah. So if anybody out there has an overheard they want to send in or wants to request a personalized beard portrait you can write to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com are these free?

no, come on, this is art you gotta pay for supplies you gotta pay for beard shampoo yeah, I don't have my price list on me but I've gotta pay for beard shampoo, for paints for whatever my price list on me, but I've got to pay for beer and shampoo, for paints, for whatever you would paint on. A canvas?

Or some kind of watercolor card thing. I'm assuming the inside of a box of mini-wheats. Yeah, sure. All right. Did you slip a shit pussy in there? No. No, I didn't. I wouldn't do that. It's not my style. Those words are losing all meaning at this point. Yeah, that. All right. Did you slip a shit pussy in there? No. No, I didn't. I wouldn't do that.

It's not my style. Those words are losing all meaning at this point. Yeah, that's true. Don't you know sometimes words have no meaning? Yeah. Oh. Like racism. Now, that's a band that held up.

What? Zeppelin is still good. Yeah. I've never been to Zeppelin. Really? Yeah. I think they're still good. But you could even say they're a terrible band, and I wouldn't be upset.

I wouldn't tell you a story about a cat terrible band, and I wouldn't be upset. I wouldn't tell you a story about a cat. Yeah, because you never traveled to there. Have you ever traveled to a... Have you ever done a... John Bonham's grave? Yeah. What is that called? A pilgrimage?

I went to Graceland, but that's just because I was in Nashville. And you were just there anyways. Yeah, I just checked it out. How was Graceland? It was a very gaudy and strange place. Strange. So it's not... You don't go there and go, oh, that's a really cool way to live.

No, you go, whoa, that was weird. Oh, it's just weird. Do you remember on Full House when... I have traveled to those houses as a pilgrimage. Oh, yeah, the Painted Ladies. On Full House, Uncle Jesse wanted to get married at Graceland, but Becky didn't want to have mercy well done uh but uh they uh she was saying i don't want to get married next to a

swimming pool that's shaped like i don't know what she says she says it's like a guitar or something and he says no the swimming pool is shaped like a sideburn. That's not true, is it? Well, that's not a shape of a thing. What do you think happened in the writer's room when that person came up with that? Do you think that was a big moment where everybody was like, yeah, this is great. Sideburn. Sideburn. That was the name of the kid who came up with that.

If you would like to call in with an overheard, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. It's Sally from Vancouver calling with an overheard. I was on the bus the other day listening to the behind-me-hopefully early 20s. The first one said, I'm so all about dinner parties right now.

I'm just so sick of regular house parties every weekend, dinner parties from now on. And her friend said, oh my god, I know. The thing is, I really love the idea of dinner parties, I just don't really like dinner. Oh man. Wow, I like that's some real champagne problems there

where you're so tired of house parties it's time to move on to dinner parties. It's actually not a champagne problem because that person didn't know that I was lurking behind them and was going to murder them as they got off the bus. Excuse me.

I heard what you said about dinner and shank, shank, shank, shank, shank. I like the idea of getting dressed up and sitting at a table. Yeah. I like the idea of being around like 10 other smug, pretentious pricks, but not eating

because I have anorexia. I like discussing wine and vases. Yeah, vases. And I vomit in a vase. Wouldn't that be the... Oh, man, that's the definition of luxury to me. Throwing up in a vase. Oh, yeah. Didn't they have, like, in Rome,

vomit... Vomitoriums. Well, someone... Nothing sounds worse to me. The vomit and the vomit. Throwing up in a vase. Oh yeah, didn't they have like in Rome vomit. Vomitoriums. Well, someone. Nothing sounds worse to me. We've talked about vomitoriums. That's where I'm going tonight. We've talked about vomitoriums on the show and people have written in to correct us that they're not, I guess vomitoria. Yeah. They're not places people would go to vomit. They're just, it was just like

a way of the people would move out of the building. It was like. It was like vomit. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I was talking about throwing up at the planetarium. Actually, I was talking about vomiting at the sanitarium by Metallica.

Now that is an awful band. You think? Yeah. Sanitarium! I have a cat that's Lars. Really? None of them are dead. Oh, wait, no one died. Really?

Oh, yeah, the one in the bus that turned over. Somebody from Metallica died? Oh, like in the early 80s. Yeah. Not today. Do you think they were always bad, or they're just bad now? I just don't like heavy metal. I'm not a big fan either.

I do like Slayer, kind of. I liked them them when i was younger but then they hated napster and i was quite fond of the whole napster you ever heard jonah ray's story about dave nevada wait who's is that dave navarro no no who's the guy who's this the guitarist uh kirk hammett who's the brown looking one kirk hammett kirk hammett he i can't tell the story but it's basically this amazing story about i would really like you to tell the story i mean it's not my story but it's basically a story about that guy downloading being at a party with jonah jonah ray's a very funny comedian and writer and so you know him yeah well we know of him yeah and they're at a party talking about some track and then the guy's like, what?

Let me just download it. And he downloads it, and Jonah's like, what the fuck? You can't download music. You're from fucking Metallica. I think this... See, I don't even know... Wow. This is...

Anyway, you should call Jonah. Chelsea's going to be so mad. And Jonah. They're both going to fucking take me to task for stealing their material while constantly and insecurely citing them and saying, this is them, this is them. Anyway. going to fucking take me to task for stealing their material while constantly and uh and insecurely citing them yeah this is them this is them anyway that is a great story next call hi gram and dave this is todd the pokey bumper so my wife and i were having dinner and i and we were in a booth the booth to my back had three women who were waiting on a fourth woman to come

and join them to eat pie. Anyway, the three were talking about the fourth person that they were waiting for and I overheard one of them say, we should start calling her Poppin' Lockenspiel. And the other one said, no, no, no. How about Heather Poppin' Locklear?

That's it. Yeah, that's alright. Poppin' Lock and Spiel? Was she a breakdancer? Presumably. All right. Wow, but they thought Glockenspiel would be the... What's Glockenspiel?

That's an instrument. It's like a giant, kind of like a xylophone. Sounds like a Nazi to me. Did you not say Nazi? Nazi. I did old school not say Nazi? Nazi. I did old school stuff. Nazi? Like World War II stuff.

The Nazis. Yeah, that's how Australians pronounce it. Hitler's Nazis. You're not a Nazi, are you? That's not a Nazi. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I derailed our conversation. To play one more call.

Yeah, one more. All right. Let's do it. Hit it. Hey, this is Scott from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Just calling in with an overheard. I work at a video game

and a used media store. And the other day, this kid, probably about 12 years old, picks up a copy of Tomb Raider and it's running around me looking for his mom and finally he finds her and he's like, Mom, Mom, Mom, can I get this game? It's only $10.

And Mom looks down at the game, sees what it is, and she goes, No, that game is just for masturbating. Whoa. So true. So true. That's why the kid won it. Yeah, he's a 12-year-old kid. But Mom.

I masturbate Do they make Like I feel like we live in a pretty progressive world now Where there's stuff available for every niche Sure Why not masturbation games for 12 year olds Yeah right They do It's called Tomb Raider

Come on But they don't make Tomb Raider anymore Do they? Don't they? Well it was a $10 game. I assume he was buying Tomb Raider from 1998. Is it because of its association with Brangelina?

Is that why? Just Jelena. Jelena. There's no Brangelina involved. It is interesting, though, they've never made a really, truly pornographic video game. They tried, like, Leisure Suit Larry they had, and they had some other, like, but, yeah, no,

I mean, not that I know of. Nothing, like, really mainstream, like an X-rated video game. That'd be awesome. It'll, it'll. That's gonna happen. There must be. Sure.

But it'd be hard to jerk off while you're playing a video game. Isn't there, like, those online worlds where you, it's like a video game? Yeah, you porn. Oh, you just mean the internet in general.

Yeah, you can jerk off to pornography. Yeah, they should make like a peripheral device for your computer that you can put your stiffy in. Oh, yeah, you can make one out of a jar of peanut butter. I have an idea for the name of the game. Go on. Shit, pussy. Thanks, guys. It's been great being here.

The greatest thing about that was that you were trying to form a different word with your mouth, and then you said the word that I knew was coming. I didn't. I haven't learned a single thing. Moshe, if people want to find out more about you and uh buy your album which is called everyone you know is going to die and then you are unless you die first uh that's available on itunes moshekasher.com it's m-o-s-h-e k-a-s-h-e-r

dot com. I'm also writing a book and it'll be out in 2011 and it's called Shit Pussy I wish it's a book about my childhood my rough weird strange childhood and it's called Kasher and the Rye

and if you haven't heard it's based on the and the Rye. And if you haven't heard... Based on the book? Based on the novel, Push by Sapphire. And if you haven't heard Moshe's interview on WTF about his childhood, it's amazing and I would highly recommend downloading that and listening to it.

And then you don't need to buy the book? No, you should buy the book. Oh, oops. Listen to it and then go buy the book. No, it's all teas book. Oh, oops. Yeah. No, listen to it and then go buy the book. No, no, it's all teasers. But it's coming out. I'm very excited. Just had a meeting with my book people.

They're called publishers. Well, it wasn't my publishers. Whatever, it doesn't matter. But we were all like, I just gave them like the halfway mark draft and everybody's really excited about it. So I think it's going to be really good. I'm really happy. Awesome.

Well, and we're really happy that you were willing to come and be on the podcast. My pleasure, man. It's been a, it's been a shit pussy. It has really been straight up. Uh, no S and P 500.

Uh, that's finally. Yeah. S and P 500. Uh, and yeah, like we said before,

if you want to contact the podcast, you can write to us at stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com or call us at 206-339-8328. Dave, anything we have to plug or address? When does this come out? Two weeks from now. No, a week from now. A week from now. A week from now, I will be in Seattle in, at Helium Comedy Club on the 27th. And I will be at the Seattle Comedy Underground the 28th through the 30th.

Don't bring your mom. Yeah, don't. Do. Whatever. Yeah, bring your mom. But if you're around, come to it. I'll be in Austin, Texas at the Art Outside Festival this upcoming weekend. And that's all I can think of right now.

That's fantastic. I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline the 13th, 14th November. Come see me. Motioncatcher.com. You know he's funny live. I've seen him live. You've been working with him. He's super funny. I don't have anything to plug. Just keep tuned

into the iPods. And thank you everybody for all the nice things that you said. When the engagement was announced, everybody was very kind and supportive. And that's said. When the engagement was announced, everybody was very kind and supportive. And that's beautiful. Thank you. Congratulations. Graham's thanking you on my behalf.

Yeah, right? It's about time. Thanks for listening, everybody. If you like the show, tell your friends. And if you are in a city that Moshe's traveling to, go out and see him. He's very, very funny indeed.

And come back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcaster Yourself.