Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 140 - Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: November 16, 2010

Famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins returns to talk knock-off toys, award shows, refugees, and bachelor parties.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 140 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man, the only man that I would ever have a late night kind of sleepover-esque podcast with, Mr. Dave Shumka. Thank you. I mean, it sort of goes without saying. I have the equipment. You have the equipment. But I also, if somebody else said, do you want to do a sleepover-style podcast? I'd say, nope, not without Dave.

That's not what we're doing, though. No. We're not sleeping over? Well, I mean, you're welcome to, but that wasn't in the agreement. Oh. Paul's sleeping over, though, right? Yeah. Our guest tonight, a very funny guy.

Oh. Oh. We just saw him perform stand-up comedy at the Rio Theatre and you can of course check him out online at his podcast, the PodFTom cast. Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, fellows!

How are you? I'm very well. That show was just not even an hour ago that just happened. And it's fun. It's late. We don't usually do the podcast late. And I did think about it when I looked at my watch after I walked off stage. I was like, I'm going to go out and sell CDs.

The podcast is going to start late. But then it was not that many people that came up to me afterwards. So it's all fine. And it seemed like they were a fun bunch. Everybody was very nice. I'm lucky in that the people that come to my shows are always nice after the shows.

They're smart and by and large, funny people. Nobody's challenged you to an arm wrestle? That probably happens a lot with Joe Rogan after his show,

don't you think? He's like, because he's like the Houdini of comedy. A lot of people say that. They're constantly challenging him to physical... Physical feats.

Physical feats of strength. Hey, Joe Rogan, let's step outside. Do you want to get to, go, I'm going to step outside. Do you want to get to know us? I would love to. Get to know us. See, my experience, of course, of Get to Know Us is the first time I ever heard your podcast was... As it happened. As it happened, that's right.

In this very province. And city. And city. Yeah. Well, city and a province. And city. And city. Yeah. Well, it's probably in a province. And country. And earth. Yes.

Yeah. Hemisphere. And it's like, I forget, because I'm a fan of the podcast, and I forget that that was my introduction to it, was being on it. Yeah. And then all the jingles were new to me. And you jumped right into it like it was second nature. But you know what?

I will say, in retrospect, I'm embarrassed that I commented on the jingles because they, of course, were an established part of the podcast. And I was acting as if, because they were new to me, they were new to everybody. No. And I feel foolish that I made. Oh, do not feel foolish. You were an outsider and everyone knew it. Yeah. An outlander.

Yeah. All those people with their beards without mustaches they pointed at me which one was outlander again was that the um uh there was outland with sean connery as an astronaut okay all right yeah and outlander i believe was a jim caviezel uh viking movie that came out in the last couple of years yeah he's a time travels back to viking oh that's right yeah yeah we talked about this on the podcast because you were very excited about it uh or was maybe i was maybe abby wait he was a viking that time traveled back to viking no no he was a uh a space traveler oh space traveler who spaced time-traveled the Viking 10. Space and time-traveled. You know, like an ape planet movie. Yes. I won't go into...

An ape-themed planet movie. Yeah. One of many. Yes. The generic knockoff toy. Ape-themed planet movie. Ape-themed planet movie. That's right.

That's right. Professor Zaius. That's how they get around it. can't copyright a name zeus is a name that's right yeah oh yeah it's a common name that we all know they should have gone with doctor something else probably yeah that knockoff company is not very smart oh aren't they? Dr. Z-Ape. That would have been better. Dr. Z-Ape. Dr. Z-Ape. Yeah, and his body is a Spider-Man, and just his head is the... Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. His body is a Spider-Man. The John Mayer song. That's how he sings it at Comic-Cons. Right. Oh, he's a funny guy. He's all right, John Mayer. That's how he sings it at Comic Cons Right To really win over the crowd He's a funny guy in his own right, John Mayer Yeah

Why wouldn't he do some kind of his own song? He's a semi-professional stand-up comedian That's right He does comedy Just avocation And then if he's in San Diego during Comic Con He comes in, he sings Your body is a spider man

And the crowd goes wild I'm a For people who don't know John Mayer, famous singer Yeah Also dabbles. Tattoo enthusiast. Yeah.

Kind of an odd choice for him. Tattoo-theist is what they're called. Yeah. He does the occasional stand-up comedy set. And I am a comedian and I play guitar, but not in my comedy. I swear to, I thought you were going to say, and I am a fan. You had the posture of somebody who's going to say, and I am a fan. You had the posture of somebody who's going to say,

and I think it is good. I think it is the right choice. Drop your musicianship. Drop the zero. Do quit your day job. Please do quit your day job. People often are like, oh oh you play guitar you should totally write funny songs how are people not telling john mayer to do that yeah that's true

um i believe he actually in a youtube clip that i saw i think he parodies one of his own songs. Like when Weird Al parodied the... When he parodied Eat It back into something else. He just did the regular... He just beat it. And he was like, it was a parody. He would sing the actual lyrics and then afterwards just say, get it, everybody. Too inside for you? I thought so.

Weird Al is doing some next level shit. Yeah. Meta Al Yankovic I remember having a conversation when I was younger with a very good friend of mine who he was in that awkward period very good friend

when I was younger very good friend of mine Ed McMahon anybody heard of him um i'll forego the name dropping yeah um but i remember him and i having a conversation that where i wagered him that he was really big into kind of you know soundgarden and all that. Sure. Alternative, the grunge scene. And I said, he had gotten to a point where he felt he had

grown out of Weird Al Yankovic and I wagered him, I bet you that in the future, Weird Al Yankovic will still be famous and making songs and Soundgarden will be something that will be completely a thing of the past. And he just and making songs, and Soundgarden will be something that will be completely, you know, a thing of the past.

And he just reamed me out for that. You don't know anything about that. Well, I think I might know. Was it like a situation where he was kind of getting angry for you saying that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he knew you were right. That's why. Soundgarden just sold a million records.

Is that right? Yeah right yeah after how long no they um no for their latest for their greatest hits album it uh came packaged with a guitar hero game and and a weird al single yeah and so uh on a technicality they like oh they were bought they sold a million to the record or to the video game company I'm still astonished that that many people bought the Guitar Hero version they at least manufactured a million copies

yeah I'm not a huge obviously a huge Soundgarden fan and nothing against them I'm a little shocked by that well it's not it's because of this dumb tattoo I got on my neck I didn't know there was a band called Soundgarden I just thought it was a nice idea

a garden of sound how come you keep referencing Spoonman what's that all about I like spoons and I'm a man your body is a spoonman that's my knockoff Planet of the Apes figure Spoonman spoon with fur on it Your body is a spoon man. That's my knockoff Planet of the Apes figure. Spoon man.

Dr. Spoon man. Spoon with fur on it. It's the cheapest of the knockoffs. My mom made it. Yeah, fur and googly eyes. I grew up poor. She's like, look, it's just as good as the store-bought one. Now give me a Dr. Zayas, Mom.

He's going to have some cereal. So I take nothing away from Soundgarden, but I guess I am surprised at that many people. I guess because they've just been out of the public eye and ear for such a long time. I'm surprised that so many people would want to be able to play those songs. No, I don't think people do. I just – I think – What about a million? I think the video game company is sort of grasping at straws.

Oh, sorry, that's the biggest number there is. It's pretty big! In this day and age. The newest Guitar Hero type of thing is that Scratch Hero. That's not what it's called.

Well, actually, the newest, they now have a rock band. The next one comes with keyboards. Oh, this is your Graham Clark's guitar hero. Whatever you were just talking about. You're already out of date. Whoops. But yes, there is the DJ one

as well. I haven't played either. I will divorce myself from this. No, I haven't played either. Full disclosure, I recuse myself conflict of interest and then i'm not interested i can't i cannot serve jury duty i do not play this scratch game that the trial is about i played the beatles one the beatles rock band and it was i i remember when it came out and there was this big craze about it.

I was like, look, I like the Beatles. I don't see why. I get it. You get to play Beatles songs. Who cares? And I played it. It was the most exciting thing in the world. I'm playing Beatles songs.

I can't play an instrument at all. But I was playing bass to these songs. It was very exciting. I can't play an instrument at all. Yeah. But here you are. But I was playing bass to these songs. It was very exciting.

Yeah. We, for a while on this podcast, Dave had Rock Band, and after every podcast, we would play it, and I was miserable. Just a garbage player. I'm pretty bad at it, too. Yeah. Well, I just never got any better. We actually had a theme song, and we were going to chart my progress, but I was so bad, I just gave up.

I gave up. You gave up the most fun thing yeah and i could actually play real drums but rock band drums are beyond my capability i i cannot play any drum of any sort at all and it mystifies me because it's because i know at some level you march to a beat of your own drummer. I have to. First of all, I had to hire one. Because I can't do it. Yeah, understood. But yeah, I think because on some level,

I know there is a sort of math involved to playing the drums. And that's where it all falls apart. So I had friends. We would get together and play music. And I would sing. And I tried to do the bass for a little bit. And occasionally, I would get behind the drum try to do the bass for a little bit. And occasionally I would get behind the drum kit and we would start a song and I could go for 30 seconds.

I could stay on the beat and then I would lose it. And then I'd get so frustrated where I just wanted to like, I want to turn this drum kit over. I know I can't do that. How do I get out of this? Turn this drum kit over. I know I can't do that. How do I get out of this?

I love that your frustration with two drumsticks in your hand sitting behind a drum kit is to flip over a drum kit. And not just to bash them as hard as you can. That's what I was already doing. Was just the bashing. It was like, this thing that should be the outlet for my anger is the source of it. So it's like cutting the chains on a punching bag and being like, take that punching bag. Frustrations resolved. Exactly. Oh, lordy.

So what's been going on recently for you? Get to know me. Yeah, let's get to know Paul. Get to know me. I know that you're traveling around. You're doing the Tompkins 300 shows. Yes, I am. And they've been going good?

They've been going well. I don't like the way you asked that. Like you weren't sure. I don't like the grammar. Yes, they've been going just fine. Thank you. Yes, I've been booking these shows through MySpace.

Through MySpace? Through Friendster. Through Farmville. I'm doing these LinkedIn shows. It's been going really well. Classmates.com. Classmates.com. They want you to pay.

I don't get that. People want to see their old school people. Yeah, but they have that already for free. But don't you think it's about crushes, right? That's what that's about. Yeah, but they have that already on Facebook. You know, though, I was saying... Or it's classmates. But classmates, I think, was a precursor to...

Yeah, but it charges you money. But do they, because it's always about crushes and stuff. Do they have a section on there for, like, I had a crush on. Right, and then you just type in their name and they go, this person is not in our database. Yeah, exactly. This person was too good for you then. Yeah. They're smarter than you.

Block their name from the site well i was telling dave that i was trying to find on you know through facebook that you know at some point uh you like you click on somebody's profile picture that's in your friend's box because they've got a neat profile picture yes yes so it was an old high school friend of mine and they were in their halloween costumes and their halloween costumes were great they were the thundercats and uh right pretty good kind of elaborate yeah yeah uh but i clicked on that and then i started thinking about an old bully and i was like where did that bully end up and so i was almost tempted to go to classmates.com just to find out, is he?

He's probably in jail. I could just go to whatever jail, jail.com? Yeah, go to jail.com. Jailbook. Yeah, yeah. Inmates.com. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's some kind of bullies social networking site.

Yeah. Where bullies can talk to each other. Compare techniques. Yeah, in bullies can talk to each other. Compare techniques. Yeah. In a consequence-free environment. Yeah. Exactly.

Exactly. How do we come back from this It Gets Better campaign? Yeah. Should we launch an It Gets Worse or It's Pretty Good

Being a Bully campaign? What are we going to do? Can we get a ribbon? Can we steal a ribbon from somebody else? Let's go to classmates.com find these queers are we going to do? Can we get a ribbon? Can we steal a ribbon from somebody else? Let's get on classmates.com. Find these queers that we used to beat up. We're going to re-bully them as adults.

Hey, it's me again. I finally got that prescription for Lipitor. So I'm back in fighting trim. Hey, you know how I broke my ankle on that mini trampoline last summer? That seems like something a bully would have in the house. Oh, bullies. What is it with bullies and mini trampolines? I don't know.

When will they ever learn? Did you, when you were growing up, was there a notorious bully in your neighborhood or school it was like there were there were bullies in my school i was i was bullied a little bit not i gotta say not too badly like in my at the time it seemed so horrible but it was just minor like kind of intimidation really like i didn't get a lot of fights when i was a kid or anything like that but but there was some tough kids, mean kids. There was this one kid that gave me a hard time and then I later found

out he committed suicide. He jumped off a bridge. That's when you realize these kids... In a young adult fiction kind of thing, you realize he's that way because he has some sort of troubled life.

And then it's horrible. And then by the same token... It's going to go to a weird place. I love it. An ex-girlfriend of mine died last year. And I felt nothing. Because it was a terrible relationship

from the moment it started. It was like I was kind of bullied into having a relationship with her. Just a girlfriend bully. because it was a terrible relationship from the moment it started. It was like I was kind of bullied into having a relationship with her. Girlfriend bully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girlfriend bully. It's a very rare sub-genre. Of youth fiction.

Yeah, and I really... That's right. When you go to the library. I think Madeline L'Engle wrote a lot of those books. And then... She wrote Super Fudge? Yeah, I... She wrote Superfudge? Yeah.

She wrote Metaphysical Fudge. And then our relationship ended really badly. Right. Acrimoniously. And it's like one of those things where it's like, where I was saying to her, look, I don't want to hear from you again. Like, leave me alone. Because she was being a jerk to me right and then it's like i hadn't been in contact with her for years and years and years and then somebody told me that uh she died and uh i had a weird i had a really weird experience where

i was feeling something like it was the shock of it happening but then i was also dealing with the fact that i wasn't glad that she was dead no but i wasn't sad you know like but like like that bully like the most i could muster was well she was a troubled person and and you know i hope that um she reached some peace you know right i don't believe in an afterlife either so that that was not great. So it was a strange thing. I felt kind of like a monster that I didn't feel sadness. But it's like, how are you supposed to feel sadness for just everybody that dies, regardless of how they treated you? Yeah. Yeah, well, it's the... No, guys, I need answers.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm here. So you believe that you are supposed to feel bad for everyone. I want to know, how am I supposed to... Yeah, but that is the conclusion, that you are supposed to. I'm assuming. And so how...

I need you guys to come up with a method. Because people are dying right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got to feel something for them. Do you remember that song from 1992 that was about how people are having sex right now? Wait. If you give me a little bit more to go on. Even though you can't hear the

breathing sounds, people are having sex right now. People are having sex. I do not remember that song. I maybe never heard it. Okay. Now, is there a chance? Did you maybe write it? I'm maybe piecing it together from something some older kid taught me. Are you thinking of the song Right Now by Van Halen?

Hey, it's your tomorrow. The theme from Crystal Pepsi. That's what I'm thinking. That's right, exactly. The theme from Crystal Pepsi. Have we ever talked about that moment on the podcast? This was the first moment when i realized that dave was like a like a super genius of comedy uh we were at we were we were at uh uh i used to do

this show at a place called el cocal you know this story oh yeah here we go i told this story oh boy i had this uh i always gave away prizes at this show that I found at thrift stores and flea markets and stuff like that. A Dr. Z ape. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, it would have been the treasure of the night. A Professor Z. Exactly.

Sure. I gave away – I bought this box of homemade clocks that people had – this person had made clock yeah and they had made the face of the clock into different rock and roll icons so there was a kiss clock and there was a pink floyd clock and i gave one away for several weeks and there was a van halen clock and on stage i held up the clock and i, the great thing about this clock is every time is. And I paused. And nobody in the crowd chimed in. And Dave was outside and came running into the place and yelled out, right now!

And every, I think I and one other person. Wait, wait, wait. I could hear him. Yes. Okay. Okay. Because that would be, that would be on being a one-order person. Wait, wait, wait. I could hear him. Yes. Okay. Okay. Because that would be beyond being a comedy genius. Yeah.

That would mean you had some sort of magical powers. Some sort of hearing genius. Yeah. Hear or a hearing genius. No, no, no. He's really smart about hearing. That's what they call hearing aids now. Hearing genius.

Yeah. His hearing quotient is above 140. His HQ. Do you remember that night? I do now, yeah. I lost my mind. I was laughing so hard. I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those things where every time I stopped laughing, I started laughing again.

Because I thought... You went insane. Well, I thought... You were driven to the brink of insanity. I was like Joker laughing. Yeah, like the end of Bad Dance. You needed Prince to say stop. Dang it.

It is a good song. Yeah, it was a good song. Good album. The whole album by Prince. Wasn't it all Prince? Yes, it was. There was Bad Dance. There was Vicky's Waiting. Vicky's Calling. Vicky's Waiting to Call You. Yep.

Vicky's on the line. It was a chat line. Vicky's Calling. She's Waiting. There was Arms of Orion. Vicky's Call Waiting. Arms of Orion. Yeah.

Not a lot of it had to do with Batman. Right. There was Electric Chair. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know what that had to do with it, but uh there was electric chair yeah oh yeah yeah which i i don't know what that had to do with it but it was in two songs it was the electric chair for all my future crimes related to crime yeah but i don't for all my future crimes i don't believe there was an electric chair in the movie nope no but that was the joker part of prince saying that you would

assume he was going electric chair yeah well he said the electric chair for all my future crimes uh commissioner gordon's lament saying that. You would assume he was going to the electric chair. Yeah, well, he said the electric chair for all my future crimes. Commissioner Gordon's lament. Kogo. It's a one-man show as well. It's what Batman calls Commissioner Gordon. Hey, Kogo. Kogo.

We're idiots. Hey, Kogo. We're gonna go to Bogo. Not to be confused with Entertainment Tonight style expert Stephen Kojikaru. Kojo. Kojo. Right. Yes. Yeah, boo.

He has liver problems. Yeah. And a weird shaped face. Yeah. Those are two things. He's got some kind of steroid. He's got deathly liver problems. He's also a face-shaped weird.

I think it's one and the same, though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Jerry Lewis when he got that thing in his spine and he made his face go pumpkin-y. Oh, I thought it was like a treatment that he was taking for some sort of cancer. It was like a steroid thing. That's why he puffed up, Jerry Lewis. No, did you ever hear about this where he had the the thing the remote control thing the pain reliever device that had been implanted in him

no crazy it's it is uh one of the crazier now jerry lewis and jerry lee lewis are different people yeah no what and lewis and clark and martin and lew. They're all the same person. Wait, are Lewis and Clark and Lois and Clark different things? Yeah. No. This is all the same thing. Oh my God, Dave, I just got the title of that show. All these years later.

The Arms of Orion. Ah, Coco! Coco. Coco in 2012. I'm with Kogo If I don't see that in the new Batman movie I'll walk out I'm with Kogo Are they making a new Batman movie?

Yeah And the Riddler, people are saying Joseph Gordon-Levitt Jogo Lev Nope, Riddler is out He's not the villain they're using. The guy from Inception, not Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Tom Hardy. The guy with the weird patterned shirts.

He will be a villain. Yeah. As long as it's not the, what do you call him, Mr. Freeze, I'm in. As long as it's not Mr. Freeze, I am. What about Egghead? Vincent Price. That's right. Nobody can do that role like Vincent Price, so that's out.

No. No one could ever be as good as Vincent Price was as Egghead. In that made-up role that he probably made up on set. Exactly. I'm going to make up a character called... What if I had a bald cap? And I was called Egghead. What was his deal?

His head was shaped like an egg and he made egg puns. The end! There were only three channels. Yolks on you. That's right. Exactly. Exactly. This will be egg-ceptional. Oh yeah. There's a real egg on my face. I'm having an egg-ceptional. Oh, yeah.

There's a real egg on my face, etc. I'm having an egg-sistential crisis. Yeah, it was a fringier Batman villain on that. Fringier? Yeah, like there's the fringe characters, your Scarecrows, etc. There was stuff with it. Scarecrow didn't make an appearance on the Adam West Batman, no. Too scary. I guess he was too scary.

Yeah. But they did have Milton Berle as Louis the Lilac, and I could not even tell you what his thing was. I guess he liked flowers? Oh. And giant. No, it was when Forrest Tucker was yeah capitalizing on

a Hollywood legend that's Batman did anyone play Orion and did anyone end up in the arms of Orion I've

yeah I feel like Prince's Batman album is equivalent to U2's effort to make the Spider-Man musical I feel like that's Batman album is equivalent to U2's effort to make the Spider-Man musical. Oh, yeah.

I feel like that's a similar. I forgot about that. Did that happen or not? It is happening. The music has premiered. It is happening now. On Good Morning America. Yeah.

That's all we know. Not even the Today Show. No. But Good Morning America. Sure. Is that the lesser of the two? I think Today Show is number one. Okay. Yeah. There's the Today Show, there's Good Morning America, and that the lesser of the two? I think Today Show is number one. Today Show, there's Good Morning America, and then there's that miserable CBS Morning.

They're smoking on air. That's just people in hospitals that do not have a remote control. They're watching that show. People are smoking on air. Yeah. A little bunker mentality. They're eating out of air. Yeah. No bunker mentality. They're eating out of cans. It's the only show that doesn't have windows to the outside.

They're in their undershirts. I've had a bit... I never watched any of those shows. Morning shows? Morning shows, yeah. But now, recently going to work, you turn on and then there's seven of them or whatever. There are a lot of them.

Are you turning on a bank of monitors at work? Yeah. Were you seeing seven shows at once? I work for Kojo. Commissioner Gordon. Kogo. Kogo. Please.

There's enough confusion between the two. Oh, yeah. You were like, why do I work for that? I was thinking of a style consultant. Why does he have seven TVs? Well, he's got to. He's got to keep on top of those red carpet snipings. What do they do?

Yeah, red carpet snipings. No, no, no. You were right. That's exactly what they're doing. Hey, thank you. You're welcome. It happened, no, you were right. That's exactly what they're doing. Thank you. You're welcome. It happened outside Washington, D.C. The D.C. red carpet snipers?

This middle-aged man and his protege. That was when that whole D.C. sniper thing happened. when that whole DC sniper thing happened, that was like I had just gotten back from my post-collegiate tour of Europe, and I hadn't figured out how to get a job

or anything, and so I was riveted for like two weeks following that story. I thought you were like, I didn't know how to get a job, but this sniper seemed to be on to something. So I put an ad out looking for someone to teach me to snipe. I bought my own scope.

B-Y-O scope. For my mouthwash party. Do you know that we got sidetracked because Paul said MySpace 20 minutes? Oh, my God. Yeah, that's true. Oh, my God. Wow. This is great. What a stream of consciousness.

How are these Facebook events going? They're going very well. I've been doing it for over a year. I just had the first return engagement at the first one at the Rivoli in Toronto. We have such a rivalry with them. Oh, I know. There's room enough for everybody! But I was

delighted to be able to come up here to Vancouver and to be at such a nice place as the Rio. And to not be at an awful comedy club that no longer exists. Yes. No, that Yuck Yucks is no longer there? It's still no longer a Yuck Yucks. Yeah.

It's that... Is it a Gross Grosses? It's called the Comedy Mix. It's the name of the club now. Nice and meaningless. Yeah. No, but it seems it's a better club now. Yeah.

And it's fun. It's a fun... You know, it's a fun family and friends. I'm not here to make fun of the Comedy Mix, although I am here to make fun of the name, which is dumb. Which everybody has... Yes. It's not...

Ill-chosen. But yes, that was the last time I performed in a comedy. Oh, what if we told you that they only sell bridge mix as a food at the comedy mix? I'm 100% on board. Now it makes sense. Now I'm hungry for bridge mix. I'm not going on board. Now it makes sense. Now I'm hungry for bridge mix. I'm not going to lie to you. What is bridge mix?

It's cereal and raisins. It's the same thing. Oh, is it sort of like Chex Party Mix? Kind of, except doesn't it... No, somebody ruined it with raisins. And you don't play bridge when you have Chex. You have a party. Oh, is it to play bridge?

You do have a party. That's true. So Chex Party Mix, you have a party. Bridge Mix is it to play bridge? You do have a party. That's true. So checks party makes you have a party. Bridge makes you play bridge. Have you ever played bridge? Yeah. Oh, no, wait. London Bridge.

I've done that. It's not a thing. Bridge is the card game. Yeah. Yes. You've just been to the London Bridge? Yeah. That's it.

Or is that a thing that people do? Or is that a Fergie song? No, London Bridge was a thing you played as a kid, wasn't it? Wasn't that a game that you played? It was a song that you song? No, London Bridge was a thing you played as a kid, wasn't it? Wasn't that a game that you played? It was a song that you sang. Yeah, London Bridge was Falling Down.

Don't you fall down at the end of it or something? No, that's not. No, you're thinking of Ring Around the Rosie. Ah, that is exactly. We all fall down.

Yeah, that's funny. Or Martika's Toy Soldier. And even that, even Ring Around the Rosie, the falling down at the end was optional. I don't think it was like... You could sit it out.

We're not all falling down. You could sit it out. You could say, sorry, you guys, I have work in the morning. I am not falling down. Hey, have fun. Knock yourself out. We don't all fall down, all right? We all have rights.

I'm falling down with you in spirit. Yeah, you had to say, we all fall down, all right? We all have rights. I'm falling down with you in spirit. Yeah, you had to say, I'm falling. We all fall down. But you didn't have to fall down. I'm, yeah. You're thinking of Red Rover. I miss, yeah. Dumb.

No. Oh, what were we thinking? Dumb. Self-loathing. Idiot. Self-loathing Idiot Now we just watched you do a show And there was a story in it

About you stealing videos Yes As a youngster Yes Not as a grown-up You should have been Kind of as a grown-up Kind of as a grown-up

Embarrassing Yeah Yes That's We were talking with a friend of ours after the show kind of as a grown-up kind of as a grown-up embarrassing yeah yeah yes that's um we were talking with a friend of ours after the show and he said you should ask paul how long after that was it funny to you that it was no longer a shameful thing oh and then it was a good question uh how long was it it was it was a good while it was a good while Like years? Not that long

I think Like before you were like Hey that's kind of funny Maybe I mean because it was Certainly when I started telling that story It was many years after that happened But basically For the listener

I worked at a video store and i was very embittered that i was working in this video store and i started stealing videos right and i did it for a while and then i got caught and then i got fired and i was so mortified and ashamed and yeah it was a really it was a really long time yeah i think before i was like okay that i think when i started to feel like i was a different person than that person who did that right then i was like, okay, I think when I started to feel like I was a different person than that person who did that. Right. Then I was like, wow, that was like a thing that I did.

Technically, I'm still that guy. Yeah. I have the same name and fingerprints and stuff. Same social security number. But I would never dream in a million years of doing something like that now. Do you feel like that's how people on death row are like? Do you think they're like, oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Every one of them well if you if i tell you what if you get to be there long enough probably yeah you'd be like i'm not that guy anymore like what was the guy that uh

was the he brought together the bloods and the crypts for a meeting oh snooki well he had a name like he did have a name like that yeah yeah yeah yeah but you know i'm talking about and then he poochie yeah uh and then he got executed he got executed but he was by the governator yeah that's right exactly they try his idol the governor the guy he had modeled himself after all those years it was actually that for a brief while that was the official title of the governor it was officially changed. They are still, I will tell you this, in Los Angeles at LAX, at the airport, you can still get Governator t-shirts. Please. Still.

How long has he not been the Governator? Oh, just like days, literally. But how long had he been the governor? No one cared anymore. The novelty had worn off. Now he was just the governor. Well, I thought it was weird when I went to Las Vegas that they were playing up the fact that CSI took place in Las Vegas. Is that right?

Yeah, and you could get like CSI stuff. Wow. Did Vegas forget that it's Las Vegas? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That it has a lot more going on. That it's not some small town that has to... Is there one person that goes to Las Vegas just to make a pilgrimage to the site of CSI?

The first and second most popular CSI. I want to see that B-roll for myself. Yeah. All those establishing shots. I want to see where they were filmed for myself. All those establishing shots. I want to see where they were filmed by not the director of the episode. I want to go on that roller coaster that Gil Grissom went on. Yeah, that's right. And then he was losing his sight.

His hearing. Oh, yeah. I remember. What I call second sight. Wow, you guys what i call second sight we both saw the same episode yeah i saw the first episode of that show and i dismissed it out of hand like this is dumb and then it became this gigantic hit yeah and i thought i was crazy like did everybody see that same show that i saw maybe you should become like a guy that predicts hits by they run them past you and you go this is dumb dumb. And then they go.

I'm going to do the opposite. Yeah, exactly. It almost seems like I might as well be a chicken on a hot plate. You know what I mean? Yeah. Nope. I feel like I'm the octopus that predicted the World Cup. Rest in peace.

Right, yeah. See you later, Steve the Octopus. No, Paul. Paul! How dare you? If it was Dave the Octopus. Paul! How dare you! If it was Dave the Octopus, you'd know. I guarantee you I would. Now, speaking of Dave,

and I think we were, temporarily, we've gotten to know me. And it's great! And that's enough, Paul. Maybe you'll have to reassure me, Graham. A little bit. No, I do need custom reassurance We Graham and I had a big event

We had an adventure this week And we've never You know, we've done live podcasts before Yes, you have We've gone out on an advertising audition As a pair That I did not know about Oh, well Just recently? A few months ago Advertising audition as a pair. That I did not know about. Oh.

We auditioned for a commercial. Yeah. Just recently? A few months ago. Yeah. Did you talk about it on the show? I think so. We did, but very, yeah, I think very briefly, but basically.

We got a callback. Yeah, we got a callback. We went in, and this was the greatest, because we went in and Dave's instant attitude was, how fast can I get out of doing this? Yes. So we walked in and I said, you have to fill out a form. And Dave said, I'm just going to leave. So that's how fast. Yeah.

No, I stayed. Yeah, he stayed. And then they tried to, the casting assistant came out and said, oh, Graham Clark, okay, you're going in with some guy. And I said, the only reason I came down here was we were brought in as a pair. That's right. And I said, if you went in with that guy, I would have left. That's exactly what he said. And then I said, right now.

Calling back to Van Halen thing, I didn't remember. Yeah, I'm laughing. I laughed for such a long time. But anyway. Yeah, we went in. We did that audition. We got a call back. We did not get the commercial.

Sorry. Eh. Two actors did. I'm sorry for your loss. Two actors. But... Who knew what they were doing. Recently.

I'd say late September, we got an email uh from someone asking us if we would host a uh an award ceremony for the local advertising industry yeah and uh it was what the one of the guys at one of the uh you know premier agencies like the podcast and said, I think these guys would be funny. And we were both on some Christmas show the previous year for a big voice

recording studio. Yeah. A lot of advertising people go to this show. It's a really good show that happens every year. Oh, the list is literally endless. I could be here all night. But yeah,

so we accepted. We said, yeah, we'll do this gig. It's a nice thing to cross off your bucket list. Yeah, exactly. Hosting awards. First you have to put it on there. When you get the offer, you're like, okay, I'll put that on there.

And then I'll cross it off so then we said yeah kind of under the assumption that there would be teleprompters and there would be i'm sorry okay a quick sidebar i'm laughing at the idea of somebody cheating on a bucket list where they do things they write them on there and then they cross them off as if they had always been wanting to do them. I'd like to have wanted to do that. It's like when you write a to-do list and the first thing you write

is make to-do list, scratch it up, three point. It's the last thing on your bucket list. Die. It's like bingo. You get the center square for free. Forgive me. A good interjection is always welcome.

But yeah, so we thought it would be... I don't know what we thought it would be. We thought it would be a fun thing and they were paying us. Yeah. And then here's the thing. When you're doing something like that together as opposed to by yourself, it seems like, okay, we'll get through this together this together it'll be fun it's something that potentially if you were by yourself it would be kind of miserable yes a lot of heavy lifting you know killing time and and you know that people are probably going to be kind of disinterested maybe and they're not going to be paying attention

or well they're gonna be paying so much attention they don't like you so it's better to have an ally up there. And that's absolutely, that is how it turned out. That's why I said that. And a little like you could read the future. Maybe. But yeah, the one kind of... But leading up to it, we had a

they would send us scripts and we were to write jokes about things. Bruce Valanchett. Yeah. Valanchify things. And the scripts of the show kept changing because, you know, as is every business, like, there's a bit of hard times. And so last year it was held in this beautiful hotel, ballroom. And for the past few years. Yeah, it's always been this big.

It's been a bit of a gala affair. This year it was held in a giant Chinese restaurant. Still giant. Yeah. Everybody likes Chinese food. At one point. Most people. Some people have objections.

Choosy people. I like it. Choosy people. Well, I mean, not like the choosy moms who choose Jif. Those are different. Well, you know when you're in a group of people and you suggest something and someone shoots it down and you're like, oh, I just wanted Chinese food. I thought we were all friends. Right.

But we, yeah, so we did it. And, like, I think the thing of the night was was first of all, this was the first time that, and I fear that this may become a thing that happens in stand-up comedy. I hope it never does. But we were given an iPad that had Twitter feeds

of people in the audience during the night. Which is great as a performer to have to know that your audience is on their device tweeting about you. But also, it was a way for them to, and it didn't happen very much, but it was a way for them to insult you with zero ramifications. Yeah, yeah.

Like, there was no way you, like, it was like a silent heckler that only you hear. It's terrible. Yeah. But imagine if that was a thing that happened in comedy now, where they just like, here's your iPad as you walk onto the stage. Somebody told me a story where, I don't know if this happened at UCB or something, where people could write stuff while the show was happening that would appear on a screen behind them. Oh, God.

So it's even worse. Like, at least you guys were just seeing it. We could ignore it. Yeah, you could ignore it. You could choose not to share it with the audience. But this is like, people are saying, you suck, and it's on a big screen behind you. Oh, wow.

You know, this is going on. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see the experimental nature of that, but let's keep it at the experiment level. Well, it's because the people that think of these ideas, they don't think of how they could be used negatively ever. They just think, no, it's the thing that people do now, so everybody likes it. Yeah.

So let's use it. But yeah, but you don't understand. People are jerks a lot of the time. Oh, yeah. Especially anonymously. It's the greatest. Yes. It is the greatest. To be a jerk anonymously. It's the greatest. Yes. It is the greatest.

To be a jerk anonymously. But we all admit. We do it too. Sure. Oh, yeah. Of course. It's okay. Although all my screen names are Dave Shelton.

But different spellings. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Two S's. Two H's. So we had written, I don't know, 15 minutes of jokes off the top. We immediately cut 10. Oh yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

Yeah, and we knew what the gold was and it did well. Yeah, like they were paying attention at the beginning and then as soon as the awards, we started handing out awards, it was just no more jokes. They should have let us go home and then just had a uh award robot or you

know like like the things that hold on a second hold on a second how are you gonna move past award robots so quickly as if we all know what that is they should have just had an award robot or no not or let's talk more about these award robots. How dare you? Yeah, you know, you're right. You're right. I forgot you're from America. I'm here in Canada. Oh, my God. You forgot who you were talking to.

Exactly. You're revealing some secrets. Let's all write down what we think an award robot is and then compare. We'll turn out the lights. Everybody puts, well, yeah, everybody puts it on a desk. We turn the lights on. It's anonymous. Yeah, that's right.

No questions are stupid. The only stupid question is the one that goes unasked. That's right. What's an award robot? I was just thinking it was a robot. Like a robotic arm that hands out awards. Yes. I was thinking more of a, you know, the things that shoot clay pigeons. Okay.

Yeah. It was like that. Like it slings awards more than hands them out. That's more just a machine than a robot. That's a three minute awards ceremony. It's a machine that already exists. Yeah. It's a machine that already exists.

And not really a robot. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Well, no. What's that robot that washes dishes? Like it's a machine that already exists. And not really a robot. Yeah, you're right. What's that robot that washes dishes? Like it's a square robot. You put dishes in it. It's kind of a robot though, right?

If you explain that to people in the old days where they're washing them by hand and you were like, there's a box that will clean it. They would go, that's a dish washing robot. No, they would say that's a washing machine. Some kind of machine. It's a machine. It's not a robot. Why did you go back in time? If you explain this to someone from the 40s, they would say, oh, that's a robot.

That's a dishwashing robot. At most, they would say robot. Yeah. You mean a dishwashing robot. An educated 40s. Washing machine, I guess, yeah. Washing machine is only for clothes. Only for clothes.

Do not put dishes in the washing machine. Yeah. Although, pretty cool of clothes to have gotten the whole washing. That's true. Absolutely. You have to specify dishes for dish washing. So like we go to a car wash. But we don't call it a washer.

Yeah. Because there's the little piece of metal that is called a washer. Oh, right. Although a washer dryer. As long as you have dryer following it, everybody knows what you're talking about. But what does a little piece of metal washer do? I don't know. I don't know why it's called a washer.

I don't know either. Oh, now I'm angry about it. That's taking up valuable name real estate. Yeah. Does it wash anything? I don't know either. Oh, now I'm angry about it. That's taking up valuable name real estate. Yeah. Does it wash anything? I don't think so. I know the maintenance guy at the place I live thinks that putting a washer in things fixes everything. I know that

is his go-to move. I know it's washer, washer, we all fall down. Yes. And then we all fall down, right? London Bridge. I feel dumb that I have not questioned the name Washer until now. Hmm. I'm like a character in Rubicon or something.

We did make some Rubicon jokes because... No, did you really? Because it was a Mad Men... an advertising show. We had to make Mad Men jokes. And they advertised Rubicon non-stop during Mad Men. Right. The joke that went over really well, surprisingly, was our joke-wise.

This is a very AMC-type evening, because in here, we have the Mad Men. And it was in a bad end of town, so we were like, out there, it's a combination of Breaking Bad and Walking Dead. And then the final was, and it's a real Rubicon bad and walking dead and then uh the final was and it's a real rubicon why we were asked to host this show pretty good right it's not bad at all i like that a lot it's a real rubicon yeah so we um we handed out awards all night and we had to someone else had to hand out the awards like every award was presented by but we had i – someone else had to hand out the awards. Like every award was presented by – but we had to – Such and such. I have done similar things like that, yeah, where it's like you're introducing people to hand out awards.

But they didn't hand out awards. They just – they picked up an award and gave it to people. Oh, well, that is weird. Yeah. And in half the time, it was the mascot for Chinatown that no one has ever heard of who was a giant panda costume. Named Muse. Yep. Yep. Yeah.

And then... Well, the... Hold on, I'm sorry. Let me, I just want to make sure. No, yeah. This seems like a real award robot moment. So you... This is a classic award robot moment where you would say, and now the winner of this award is this person.

Yes. And then another person in a panda costume would hand the award to the winner. Of course. Here's the thing, though. This was the twist. At the very beginning of the show, the organizer came up and said, it turns out that the panda can't see anything. The kid inside the panda costume can't see anything. So we're going to have someone help them up onto the stage.

Yeah. And then you'll have to put the award in the panda's hand for the panda to hand it to the recipient of the award. And this panda was up there 15, 16 times during the evening. And we were all, I felt like the panda should have gone to the middle Of the stage So that people could have Taken pictures of Yes Yeah the panda

Well but the panda Was terrified And no one was ever getting Their photo taken Receiving the award There was no photographer there No except The panda's dad

The panda's dad The panda's dad Was at the front of the stage Taking his picture Every time he was on stage. Keep in mind, the dad's son's face is not in any pictures. It's all just a panda. It's sort of like an exercise in humiliation.

For everyone. Which then was ratcheted up after an hour and a half on stage. and a half on stage, some woman who had drank far, far beyond the reasonable level of drunkenness that this evening required. And this is like in a room where people are drinking.

It's not like people are not drinking. People are drinking. It was the night before a holiday. No one had to work the next day. I love this poem. By Clement C. Moore. I love this poem. By Clemency Moore. So, she had gotten so drunk that she actually became... That she was having fun.

She went to a whole other dimension where something else was happening. Where this seemed enjoyable. But she... That man can't see anything. And any time that somebody didn't show up to present the award, she sauntered onto stage

and picked up the prize and handed it to the winner. Oh my god, this is fantastic. I am now... That has pushed it over the top for me my god, this is fantastic. I am now... That has pushed it over the top for me where I wish I was at this thing. But then she ratcheted it up another phenomenal notch

because she said... She came over to the microphone at some point or I gave... I want to talk about Rwanda. And I'm not very good at knowing when people are drunk or not, unless it's really obvious, but she was kind of like, all these

people knew each other in the advertising industry. We're these outsiders. Outlanders. Maybe she is. Fringiers. Maybe she knows what's going on, and then she comes up to us, and she just says to us, I gonna fuck that i'm gonna

fuck that panda into the microphone oh my god Oh, my God. I feel like I can see her as clear as day. Yeah, oh, yeah. I hate such a vivid image of this woman. Is she redheaded in your picture? Yes. Was she a redhead? Yes.

Yes. And then, at one point, the woman who was helping the panda get on and off stage said to us, oh, like, the panda's got to go home. And so we said, oh. It's a 14-year-old kid in a costume. Yeah, like, it's his kid. He's got to go home. He's got a curfew or whatever. And so we say, hey, everybody, say goodnight to Muse.

Muse has got to go home. And this woman jumps out of her seat and like grabs this panda. No idea that there's just a kid inside being traumatized. She thinks it's a real panda. Yeah or something. Yeah and starts grabbing it and like putting her leg up on

it and uh. Now is he being traumatized or is he having the time of his god damn life yeah his dad's taking photos we should all be so lucky yeah our first time right to have a record of it god bless us everyone in this day and age i think every kid has a record of their first time. Or they should. There's no excuse not to. No excuse

not for your first time having sex to be a sex tape. To be sexted. Yeah, if there's any kids here. You should listen and learn about L&L. So we got out of there basically unscathed and uh after the show

like we would talk to people uh who had won awards and stuff and it was uh like there's only four or five advertising agencies in town yeah i'd say to the person oh what agency are you from and they would tell me and they'd be like oh we, we got our asses handed to us. Everybody said that. And we were like, it seemed like it was a pretty even race. It seemed like everyone did well. Yeah. Maybe that's, I guess in that game, it's like, it's supposed to be you win everything or you win nothing.

I do not know. We didn't get to do our hilarious glow coat. Right. Glow coat. We went deep with the Mad Men. Did you bring a cowboy hat? And an upside down chair. And then we spoiled the

ending of the season for the guy who's putting it on. He's like, I haven't got to those last two episodes so I didn't know about that. That's on you. If you work in the advertising industry and you're not watching mad men in real time like when it airs come on what else you have to do there's one show the one show since bewitched that's about advertising you know what i mean yeah well i mean there was a brief time that joey and jesse on full

house ran their own sure as the agency and Jesse on Full House ran their own advertising agency. And I believe Meg Ryan was an advertising agency in that Hugh Jackman Meg Ryan movie. Yeah. Yes. That is still a holdover in romantic comedies from like the Rock Hudson Doris Day era of like a glamorous occupation being advertising agent. Right. And it's still now in this day and age, you kind of

get to be a creative who makes a lot of money. Yeah, well, Daddy Daycare, that's what that... Eddie Murphy's job was advertising agent. I forgot about Daddy Daycare. I forgot that that happened. Never forget. Isn't that what that slogan is about? Yeah, Daddy Day Camp.

Was Daddy Day Camp? With Cuba Gooding Jr. Ah. Cougoju. Cougoju! Cougoju! Do we need to cover anything else? I will say this.

I was offered a gig, a lucrative gig hosting an advertising agency's annual holiday breakfast. It was going to happen this year. And it was a lot of money. And I agreed to do it. As long as they could get 300 people. What's that? As long as they could get 300 people. Oh, that? As long as they could get 300 people.

Oh, this is going to be more than 300 people. I think it's going to be like 310 people. Oh. All right. It was this thing. It's like this big advertising agency in Chicago. And I was offered this gig. I was like, I don't want to do it.

But it's like my wife and I are about to get a new car. And I was like, that would be like, it be like good money to put there and nobody will see it. It's just a thing that happens. And so I was going to do it because I felt like, you know, it's one of those things where since I got married

I felt like I'm not in a position to turn down things anymore. You're a provider. Yes, exactly. It's like it's not only my decision and it used to be where I could decide whatever I wanted to do all the time. Now it's like, oh no, I have to run this by my wife. And now it's like realizing like,

honey, this thing came through and I should probably do it because it's money. And she's like, yeah, you should probably do it because it's money. And so I was going to do it and I had all this angst about it because it was advertising and one of the things was they have all these historic accounts and one of them is like the Marlboro Man. They created the Marlboro Man. I don't want to be part of that at all.

And then so I finally – I got myself in a place where I was like, okay, I'm going to do this and I I'll take this money, it'll be put to good use, and then I will make my peace with it. And then it went away. I got another email saying like, oh, yeah, now they've decided they can't afford to do anything like this. They've slashed their budget, and it's not going to happen at all. Oh, wow. And I was like, oh, I'm not getting all that great money. I already kind of whored myself out spiritually. Oh, wow. And I was like, I'm not getting all that great money. I already kind of whored myself out spiritually.

Yes, exactly. I went through this whole thing and now I'm just like, well, yeah, I already went through the steps to make this okay for myself and now I don't get the money. Now I'm just left with the awful feeling. It's like when that bully died.

All over again. Dram, do you want to move on to Overheard? I would love to. Come on, Dram. Overheard. Yeah, so that's why there was no panels of somebody, you know, ogling a lady, right? Is that ogling? Ogling?

Ungulating. Ogling. Some people say oogling. Yeah. I don't think that's right. No, what is it? It's ogling, isn't it? Is it ogle or ogle?

I say ogle. Okay. Now, is it goggles or goggles? I say it's goggles. Stop it. Well, there's only one G, though. So it's not going to be like goggles. You can't say it's like goggles.

No. Only one thing is like goggles, and that's goggles. Glasses are kind of like goggles. Kind of. Paul, do you swim? Or wear goggles in any capacity? Play racquetball? Well, of course, all my steampunk activities. I have to wear goggles in any capacity Play racquetball Well of course all my steampunk activities

I have to wear goggles I play in a steampunk band All my zeppelining And uh Dirigible activities Yeah You roll into the wild wild west When you stroll into the wild wild west

I thought that was I thought that was such a cool show when I was a kid, the reruns of Wild Wild West. Even though I don't think I saw very much of it, but I liked the... I did like that whole aesthetic of it. That was part of the original show, the whole steampunk thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. Before that was a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean there was a TV show before Boing Boing? Boing Boing the website? Yeah. There were three TV shows before Boing Boing. Well, Boing Boing is your

source of steampunk. Is it really? Well, it's not mine. Oh, no, look. We all have our own sources for steampunk. There's certain cere all have our own sources for steampunk. Exactly. There's certain cereals that are great sources. Constitution guarantees.

The founders in their wisdom guaranteed every American the right to their own. Equal steampunk sources. That's right. Yeah. There's a famous picture of all of them having a steampunk robot signing the declaration. Yeah, and they made an actual visual pun with a steampunk checks and balances. Yeah. That's right.

Okay, overheards. Overheards. The greatest of all segments of all shows in the history of podcasts. Now, that is official, right? Yeah. Well, I mean... Didn't you guys get a certificate? Yeah.

From a small college that you mail away. They'll send you a certificate. University of Phoenix. Yeah. Measured in podcasting. That's right. We have a BA in podcasting. Yeah.

It has a picture of BA Baracus On the certificate Why wouldn't it? That's how you know If you don't know how to read It's like the old pub signs Where they would draw a duck in a bucket And you're going I'm going to go drink at the duck in bucket I'm going to graduate with a BA, Baracus.

Yeah, exactly. I have a BA. Same thing, same system. I have a BA in fear of flying. You've got to drug them. It's the only way. You've got to. Have either of you seen the A-Team movie that came out? No.

Even Rampage Jackson hasn't seen it. Who? Rampage Jackson? He seen it. Who? Rampage Jackson? He played Mr. T. In the film. Is he from the world of wrestling? No. Ultimate wrestling.

Ultimate fighting. Yeah. UFC. Ultimate fighting. Yeah. Ultimate fisticuffs. Yeah. I saw it.

Poor conflict resolution. It was not a good movie. Surprisingly. Oh. Spoiler alert. Yeah. The ending of it is movie. Surprisingly. Oh. Spoiler alert. Yeah. The ending of it is awful. Okay.

Overheards. Does a plan come together? Yes or no? I love... Yeah. Did he love it? Does anyone love it when that happens? Specifically, Liam Neeson loves it.

How is his American accent in that? You know what? It's the... Not great, right? But it's not the worst problem in the movie. How's his wig in it? Great. Great gray wig. I don't know. Did he need to wear a wig or could they have just... You know what? It's not great, right? But it's not the worst problem in the movie. How's his wig in it? Great? Great gray wig?

I don't know. Did he need to wear a wig or could they have just, you know, put baby powder in his hair? Going old stage style. Exactly. They drew lines on his head with an eyebrow pencil. Yeah, sure. Put glue around his face to make it wrinkles. Elmer's glue. You let it set looks like wrinkles yeah like uh when you i used to do that with my hand i did it on my face make

handprints no did you run your face really yeah because i read in a uh like a junior detective book that that was a way to make yourself look old as you put elmer's glue on your face yeah exactly when when like if let's say a 12-year-old child is hired as a detective in an adultery case to see if a man is cheating on his wife. I better disguise myself as an old man. Sorry, lady.

You're not going to like what I found. Yeah. Did you see the old man disguised as that guy trying to get into Canada war? Yeah. The Chinese gentleman? Did you see it? No.

It was like a Mr. Magoo mask. Yeah. Did you not hear? Oh, this is like the biggest story in Canada. No, I've not heard it. It was about, and I don't think they know his real identity still because he doesn't actually have any official papers. And he doesn't think they know his real identity still because he doesn't actually have any official papers. And he doesn't speak English.

Oh, that's right. And he's a guy that was trying to be a refugee from – he didn't have to live that way. Damn those torpedoes. Thank you. And the Walda Hill. Planet of the Apes My mom gave me a knockoff Tom Petty doll Big teeth man Pete Petty

Pete Tommy See, just flip it around There you go Anyways, he bought an old man Very like Lifelike Lifelike mask And he got on the plane

But a mask Yes Like a rubber mask that you pull over your head Like that kind of thing Yeah, but not the Like not something It was something that adheres to his yeah adhered it did adheres to his yeah but he adhered to the rules of of his meeting but it was

more than just the face like it went down to his shoulders and stuff so like this was high quality yeah like he spent some money on this yes he did and he apparently apparently, a lot of the people who are experts in this field said the performance was the thing. That, you know, he had to act it. Moe the play's the thing. As we learn from our dear friend Hamlet. Speak the speech, I pray you. That's what gave him away. He was doing too much Shakespeare.

No way, Dave. I don't know what Dave is doing right now. He's just gesturing with his beer bottle. No, he keeps going. Oh, I see. We know you know a lot of Hamlet. Impress us. Look, I just have watched all the seasons of Slings and Arrows.

I've never watched that. I really have watched all the seasons of Slings and Arrows. Which one? What is that? It's a Canadian show Sean Cullen was on it The guy from Men With Brooms Paul Gross Our national

And he was terrific The go-to guy He's our go-to movie star Rachel McAdams was in it It was great The go-to guy. Our go-to guy. He's our go-to movie star. Rachel McAdams was in it. Oh. Well. It was great. Yeah.

And it's about... Dave would like to move past this? No, no, no, no. Oh! But it's about Shakespeare? A theater company. A theater company. Okay. Yes.

In Stratford, I think. Isn't that? Or am I wrong on that? You probably are. Doesn't matter. Okay. Okay. Chinese guy on a plane.

All the news reports... We're tired of these motherfucking Chinese guys. Motherfucking Chinese. And all the news reports said, yeah, this guy, this old man was on, and he had really young-looking hands. Everyone in every news report noticed his hands. Really? And he just kept saying Paul Molliv, anytime anybody asked. Yeah, I imagine.

They were like, that's an old enough reference that we believe an old person would say that. Paul Molliv, that seems right. But he went into the bathroom. I'm soaking in it. In the middle of the flight, he took the mask off and returned to his seat as a young Chinese man. And that's when everybody was like, hey, wait a minute. Weren't you old before?

But who notices who goes into the bathroom? By the by. It was a white old man mask. Wait, so it was a young Chinese guy that put on a white old man mask? Yes. A Caucasian old man mask. Yes, he was wearing

white face yeah it's an interesting plan and and so when he be when he returned as chinese when he be returning when he when he be returning as chinese i really think so yeah what what then did he just like sit there and read a magazine yeah like nobody noticed he broke out his copy of refugee monthly and said guess where i got this from being a refugee so uh he's now he's in vancouver and he's on uh they're doing like hearings and seeing if this is a what do we do with this because this is a crazy thing because he didn't do anything right this is a crazy thing. Because he didn't do anything, right? He just like, I mean, beyond that, he didn't like, when he returned to his seat, did he

he didn't try to take over the plane? No, no, no, no, no, no. But he did declare refugee status. But when did he declare refugee status? On the plane. When he returned to his seat. They said, do you want some water? And he said, no, but I would like to declare.

I do declare. You have to do it that way. I do declare refugee status. Oh, he had so many characters going. It was fan. I have the vapors. The original headline for the article was Chinese man, fantastic performer.

It was just going to be a great thing. And then they were like, oh wait, he's doing something insidious. So they thought originally it was just going to be an art piece. They were going to put it in the art section of the paper. The headline was Chinese man, fantastic performer. Yeah, exactly. Chinese man, one man dragon. Anyway, we're talking overheards

Anyway We're talking overheards And it is our Well I just overheard that For sure Yeah And it is our tradition Here

On the podcast To have the guest I have an airport themed overheard Oh this is so great Let me tell you something I was sweating this Because I Because I do listen to the show every week.

And I swear to God. Thank you. Like I would hear people, everybody's always got good ones. And I'm thinking like, where are people going that they overhear all these great things? Am I so tuned out from my fellow man that I'm not overhearing great stuff? Well, you're listening to this podcast. Yeah. Instead of hearing other listening to this podcast. Yeah. Instead of hearing other people.

But I really did. I became conscious of it, like how often I have my earbuds in just in daily life and where I go and everything. And I made a conscious effort to not do that as much anymore. But I did overhear something. This was last month i forget where i was going some gig or other and i was at the airport it's in the airport and uh i'm in line at security um you know i'm waiting to go up to the podium where you show your id and all that

stuff and um a really old man is being wheeled. Possible time to the front. Oh, my God. You don't think. That would be. For an in-country flight. For a domestic flight. This old man is being wheeled to the podium.

And he is in a wheelchair, and he's got a little hat on, and he's got the blanket over the legs like it is classic old man in a wheelchair from an old movie. Yes, exactly. Charles Foster Kane. It is crazy. It is crazy. He's a wonderful guy. And so there's a woman behind him that I guess is his daughter. I would imagine not his wife.

But she's old too. But she's not as old as this guy. And so there's another person with them in some sort of uniform. Like some sort of uniform, like some sort of... I feel like at the airport they have people that are assigned to do this kind of thing. Yes. To get elderly people through

the metal detector because they have... They don't know how things work. I traveled with my grandmother once. Yeah? Yeah. Like somebody in a blazer comes along and says...

Yeah, and you ride on that cart? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Okay, then that's what was happening. Yeah, there's somebody who're. Like somebody in a blazer comes along. Yeah. And you ride on that cart. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Then that's what it was. Yeah. There's somebody who's assigned to them the whole trip.

Right. So the blazer person has this big pocket book and is going through the pocket book. And the woman, the daughter of the ancient man in the wheelchair says, you're looking for his ID in there. You will not find it. you're looking for his ID in there you will not find it but she was so she was so matter of fact about the whole thing like she knew the score she'd been through this well that was the thing that was the twist in in this young Chinese man dressing as an old man getting on the plane was that the ID that he provided was an aeroplan card.

Yeah. Which was like an air miles frequent fire card. But he was an elite member. Yeah. But it didn't have a photo on it. Yes. I don't understand how that gets him that far. But I think it's like that same thing.

The person at the podium is like, ah, he's old. Am I going to wait here for him to look for his crazy ID? Let him through. But I was thinking about, while you were telling that story, flying as an old person, there must be a point in your life where you decide... I just thought about an old person flying. Where this is... Like not with an airplane, but like...

Flying the old person. Like they have the power of flight. Yeah. But you're old, so it's not as great as it was. Super old. Yeah. Man. Not bad.

No, but there's a point in your life where you must decide, this is the city I'm going to die in. Like I'm not going gonna be able to fly anymore this is too much but i'll say this my dad is in his 80s i think he's 86 now 86 or 87 and he just went to see uh visit my sister who lives in munich and they went to the edinburgh comedy festival in scotland together wow like he's still well he hasn't reached that point in Munich and they went to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival in Scotland together. Wow. He hasn't reached that point. Oh, I'm sorry. You're saying older than that.

Well, no. It's different for every person. But there's a point where you're like, this is it. Yeah. But you can decide as a young person, this is the city I'm going to die in. But you might travel still. But like, okay. This is the city I'm going to die of. But you're still, you might travel still. But like, okay, this is the city I'm going to die of

old age in. Right. You can decide as a young person, yes. Yes, I see. I see. But as an old person,

you're taking a chance. You're saying, I might die in this other city that I hadn't planned on dying in because I'm old. Yeah, there's no really,

there's no point to what I was saying. There's no romance in dying in any particular city. Is there any point to old people? No. I wish they would get the hint. Yeah. There's no point to what I was saying. There's no romance in dying in any particular... Is there any point to old people? No. I wish they would get the hint. Yeah.

Come on. It used to be that they would solve our crimes. Right? That's right. Yeah. At least one of them. Well. Who?

Murder, she wrote? Or Matlock. Oh, right. Oh, I forgot about Matlock. Yeah. He was a lawyer, though. But he solved some crimes. What about Columbo?

Was Columbo ever young? Was Columbo only young? He was forever young He was middle aged He was forever middle aged I don't think you would think of him as elderly No Our recollection of him as children

Was that he was so much older The song Forever Young Was written about Peter Falk Oh I didn't know that Oh no Oh it makes so much sense now That song was gobbledygook until you told me that. Yeah, and now it's all of a sudden, it's something.

Did Rod Stewart also have a song called Forever Young? Yes, he did. Okay, but not the famous one. No. Well, his was famous too. But his was a cover of another Forever Young. Oh, really? Yeah.

So how many songs are there called forever young two maximum at least there's only two allowed yeah it's like highlanders there can only be two yeah speaking of old people flying like flying yeah bed knobs and broomsticks etc no not even on a bed uh willy wonka when they're flying up in the thing that's floating That's floating. Oh, okay. Superman style. Or Flying Nun. Flying Nun? Did she?

Flying Nun! Yeah, I was going to say Flying Nun. Yeah, but she wasn't old. Was she? Almost even Greatest American Hero style. Okay. Sort of awkward, uncomfortable, but they're flying. Clearly laying on a table.

Yeah, exactly. They're clearly laying on a green table. I had a conversation with somebody recently. We were talking about the TV show Heroes, which I watched for most of the first season and then checked out of when it was not fun. Apparently, you guys made the right choice. I never watched it, but that's what everyone said. These people have these powers and nobody wanted to use them.

The most egregious example of this was the guy who could fly, who was like, ugh, this is like a curse. Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Who doesn't want to fly? Although it would be weird to be seen flying. So what? Fly away. Put a mask on.

You know what I mean? Put a mask on, the show called Heroes. Here's the one thing about the flight thing that would not affect a Superman because he's impervious. But when you get up to a certain height, it's very cold. You don't have to fly that high. Wouldn't you, though? No. I would.

Superman couldn't fly, by the way. Wouldn't you get bored with low flight after a while? And you'd be like, I gotta hit some of that high. How high do you go? You don't have to go that high for it to still be comfortable. Yeah, but... Although the speed of flight kind of cools you down a bit. Yeah, and then also like...

You gotta get going real fast. High bugs. Oh, so then wear a sweater. Boo-hoo! Cry me a river with your power of flight. So all of a sudden, you're wearing a mask. You're wearing a sweater. You're already kind of warm, right?

You could put on, if you... And then you're down at normal... If you get down to ground level, you've got to carry that stuff around because it's not so cold down there. You've got to bring a fanny pack. You just layer up. You wear like a ski mask. What are you, a J.Crew model? If I can fly, why not?

I'm saying you wear a ski mask so you can fold up into a hat when you get back on the ground. But you can fly high enough that people are not going to notice you. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're wearing a ski mask like a bank robber. I'm saying if you don't want to be seen,

if you don't want to be recognized. If you don't want to be recognized. People will think you're up to no good. If they see you up there! What if they saw you land in front of your house and walk in? They'd be like, oh, well, it's Ted. He's wearing that ski mask. He's not fooling anybody. Only Ted would have keys to his house.

Unless his friend Brian also knows how to fly a ski. But you never saw you. They tracked you the whole way. Well, they saw you land in front of your house. Well, then it's up to you to look around and see if anybody... You know what I mean? Like, you're up there flying. You have the best vantage point.

You can see if anybody's standing around. You have like a, what would you say, like a bird's eye view? I think I know what you mean. As the crow flies. Now, Superman, he can't fly. They say he can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Early Superman, yes. Oh, new Superman can.

Lois and Clark. Yeah. Lois and Clark. That's the Lois and Clark era. But leaping tall buildings never really made much sense to me. Why don't you just go around the building? That was the weirdest thing was thinking about those people in the 30s, Jerry Siegel

and Joe Shuster. That was the farthest their imagination took them. He could jump over buildings. Why not make them fly? He's faster than a speeding bullet. Okay, that's very fast. How high can he jump? He can jump over the building

And he can cushion himself on the way down So he doesn't break his ankle Like they were thinking in terms of athletes maybe Like what can athletes do Athletes can jump They can jump What's the highest an athlete can jump Well not as high as a building

All buildings They were limited idiots And they're good at their day What's the highest an athlete can jump? Well, not as high as a building. All buildings. There were limited idiots. There's a comedian, and he's not in town anymore, but he was in town, and he had a great bit, and I can't believe that I never noticed it watching Superman cartoons or whatever. But he said, the guy who says, look up in the air, it's a bird, it cartoons or whatever. But he said, the guy who says,

look up in the air, it's a bird, it's a plane. No, it's Superman. He's like, how excited was that guy just to see a bird or a plane? That was Jai Harris had this joke about, he's just like the most excited guy where he's like look everybody a bird now see i always thought it was three different people yeah yeah and there was one person thinks it's a bird one third person thinks it's a plane then it was like no idiots superman but the second

guy's like no idiot it's a plane right good point good point look up in the sky it's a bird yeah like how dare you make me look up there? It's clearly a plane. Then they go, hey, you leave him alone. Yeah. It's Superman. But the first guy is stopping everybody on the street. Guys.

That first guy, he's got problems. But then they should go easy on him because maybe he's mentally, he's got some stuff. He's just excited about life. Well, it was the early part of the 20th century. Yeah. It predated people saying, hey, what's that some stuff. He's just excited about life. It was the early part of the 20th century. Yeah. Predated people saying, hey, what's that? Yeah. Look, how long have birds been around anyway?

At least since the 10s. I know they're related to dinosaurs. I don't know how. I don't know who evolved from who. Through marriage, I think. It's like that ACDC song, Who Made Who. Through cleverness. It is exactly like the ACDC song.

Okay, guys. Dave, do you have an overheard? Well, I was walking downtown the other day, and there were these 15-year-old kids, two boys. So 15 one-year-old children. Sorry. Sorry, you're misunderstanding, Paul. What are you saying? They were like maybe two or three kids who were, each of them had lived 15 years.

Okay. Human years. Yeah. Of your Earth years? Yeah, 15 of your Earth years. Okay. And I was walking past the Vogue Theater, and there was a sign on the marquee advertising the acts that were coming. And one of them was the band Dr. Dog.

Okay. And the kid I overheard misreading the sign, and he said, Mr. Dog. He's not a mister. Mr. Dog, what the hell? And then he turned to one of the other kids, and he said, hey, check it out, Mr. Dog. And the other kid was like, no, it's Dr. Dog. Wow. That dog went to medical school.

He had a couple beats in order to process the sign properly. And still went back to Mr. Dog. Yeah. Hey, guys. Look at this. Look at this idiot. And then the last thing I heard him say was, oh, crap. So I don't know.

I kind of assumed he, like, this was his big chance to get an in with the ghoul kids. Yeah, and he blew it. And he'll remember it, too. He's like, fucking Dr. Dog. It was a D. And that he accepted the fact that, oh, yeah, Dr. Dog. Yes. That makes way more sense.

I have a similar story of two people being stupid to each other. Where I was one of the stupid people. I was bringing a jacket into a dry cleaner. This jacket had a stain on it. It was a sharkskin jacket. And being a little condescending to this dry cleaner saying, can you clean this? It's sharkskin. Because I guess I thought it was like this magical fabric that you had to have some kind of know-how to clean or that it really was like a special thing.

This suit has to swim forward at all times. And then the guy looked at it and he went, this is not shark. And then I shut up. I was all right i was you have every right to condescend to me as i condescended to you sharkskin is not shark no no of course not fabric of course not a sharkskin jacket is not made out of shark yeah Yeah, it's the fabric of our lives. It was the original fabric of our lives. But I guess he'd never heard... It was the fabric of our week. He'd never heard that term before. And I also loved that he felt it and instinctively

knew, this is not shark. Yeah, he looked at it and... No. You were sold a bill of goods. Yeah, I have washed many a shark coat. Later I thought about that Hold on a second Is there actual sharks here?

Yeah the only thing is the big fin in the back Very hard to drive Right? When you're sitting in the Okay That's true Guys Don't give me that face

No I just don't get it I don't get things My overheard comes courtesy of the bank I was at the bank and i actually used a teller which i haven't uh done for teller's the one who doesn't talk right uh no telly oh yeah um uh but i haven't used uh like have when was the last time you used a bank teller i actually when i uh uh uh proposed to Abby, I had to get a large sum of money out, and so I did have to go through a teller.

Because when I proposed to Abby, I had to give her money. You had to give her a dowry. Will you marry me? You're an envelope full of cash. This many goats. You had to drive. The goldsmith needed cash money. Yeah.

Goldsmith. He's the guy who made you had to drive no the goldsmith needed cash money yeah the goldsmith I was he's the guy the guy who made Appy's wedding ring by the way or engagement ring same guy who made the dog tags

in the movie Cats and Dogs wow did he have photos framed photos well he told me that I took his word for it never saw the movie

Cats and Dogs the truth about Cats and Dogs nope uh Tobey Maguire voices a dog oh okay right different film I took his word for it never saw the movie Cats and Dogs the truth about Cats and Dogs nope uh Tobey Maguire voices a dog oh okay right

different film doesn't Alec Baldwin also voice a dog probably Cats and Dogs sorry sorry frog in my throat

yeah dog in my throat um you went to a teller yeah so when's the last time you went to a teller it's been a long time

yeah right it doesn't seem like it's like if you went to just a butcher or a candlestick maker. I've been to a butcher more recently than I've been to a teller, honest to God. Yeah, it was weird. It was strange standing in line. The weird thing as well was that a lot of banks now will have a television that you can kind of stare at while you're standing in line. And it was on NASCAR, which is a weird kind of,

this is the thing that everybody kind of likes watching. Of all the people that are going to come into this bank, what is the one thing that would be the most neutral? NASCAR. Yeah, yeah. one thing that would be the most neutral nascar yeah yeah and they uh the weird this is a total aside but uh the weird thing i didn't realize is that uh danica patrick yes who's the the go daddy girl the go daddy girl she was driving the go daddy car that's the only reason i who better in nascar in nascar no she's an open-wheeled car racer. Well, I don't know what that is. Is that a thing?

Is that NASCAR? Okay. That's not NASCAR. NASCARs are stock cars. Yeah, this was a stock car. Okay. Yeah, she was driving a stock car. It said Go Daddy on it.

This is like a crossover event. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. It was like when she met the Jetsons. Danica Patrick meets the Jetsons. And they were driving stock cars.

But with their feet. That was the Flintstones. The Flintstones had taught them from a previous crossover. You should learn from previous generations. It's canonical. Anyways, the guy that was next to me in at the teller next to me uh didn't have a bank card and so he had to go to the teller to withdraw money and he the teller was like oh okay

i need some id and he gave him his health care card which is weird because in bc your health care card doesn't have a picture on it so he had a health care card, which is weird because in BC, your health care card doesn't have a picture on it. So he had a health care card from somewhere else that has a picture on it. And then the guy was like... From the Wizard of Id, perhaps? He said, this doesn't count as ID, so I need to ask you some questions to prove who you are and the guy goes fine and then he asks

his mother's maiden name and what was the original address on this account and then numerous questions probably like 6 or 7 questions and then the guy goes at the end he goes can I just get one of those cards so that i

don't have to answer these questions withdrawing a hundred dollars this is all for a hundred dollars he was there when i got up to the teller he was already in the process of answering these questions and then the guy said yeah but like you can't get a card with this ID. And then the guy goes, well, do you need a passport or something? And he goes, yeah, a passport would work. And he goes, yeah, I should get a passport. So this guy's however many steps he's on. Yeah, you would need some sort of picture ID like humans have.

How old was this guy? He was 22, because that was one of the questions. Still. No, no, but in this day and age, a 22-year-old should definitely have a bank card by now. Yes! Or a photo ID!

He was wearing a super fancy jacket and sweatpants that he spent three minutes tucking his sweatpants into his sneakers. So he didn't look dumb. I actually – Of course. Yeah.

Absolutely. I had to do – I had to go to a bank teller a couple of months ago because my dad was out of town and he – Yeah. Time to live it up at the bank. And he – 80s movie premise. Bank party.

He had left a – he had left a check to pay his visa bill, and it needed to be paid that day. It was like during a long weekend, he had left a check for me to go to the bank. It was very convoluted. What? He was going to be out of town, but he was going to miss his... Weekend at Banksy's. It was... Is that exit through the gift shop?

Banksy's? It was... Is that exit through the gift shop? And I had to go to the bank and pretend to be my dad. And I did the same... Like this guy in the jacket and the sweatpants. Do you and your dad share the same name? No. But I didn't...

It was the kind of transaction where you didn't need ID. Right. But I did need to project the confidence that I was the person doing... It's me, Mr. Shumka. Yeah. So you're like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, where she had to close that account. Yeah. And like the Patrick Swayze ghost was coaching her on.

Willie Lopez or whatever his name. Oh, shit. Do you remember that scene? I don't remember all the details of Ghost that you might think. She goes to close a million dollar account. And the big gag is she wants to keep the pen. A million dollar account. Well, no, no.

The big gag is she doesn't know it's a million dollar account. Oh, that's right. And she goes, And they say, how would you like it? And she says, tens and twenties? Yeah, that's right. That's why she's one of America's comedy superheroes. Anyway, I got the visa bill paid.

No harm done. But no, I felt I needed to dress up a bit. So I put on a a nice chinos. Put on a gray haired. You put flour in your hair. That's right. Exactly. And I wore a nice pair of loafers.

Very nice. And it worked, right? Yeah. There you go. They were none the wiser. Thanks, you're stupid. Except when it comes to 22-year-olds. Yeah.

They're health cards. It's interrogation time. I got my medical marijuana card. You get $100 for more medical marijuana. We have some overheards submitted by listeners. Oh, here we go. If you want to submit your own, you can send them to StopPodcastYourself

at gmail.com Our first one comes from Chris T. Not Christy. Chris T. I overheard this one on the GO train, Toronto, on my way to work the other day

from two very business-looking professionals. Suit one. So, did Dave have his kid yet? Suit two. Yeah, he had it on Saturday. Suit one. Nice. What did he have? Suit two. A baby. Suit one. Right on.

Wow. Nothing says I'm barely listening to you. Right on. Right on. The next one comes from Ryan H. And Ryan H. I was leaving Costco and overheard two young male employees discussing theiriday nights while wrangling shopping carts guy one no man they were using the the tall round tables you know the ones not attached to the floor

guy two what that sounds really dangerous guy one i know i was really concerned for the strippers that's nice of him to be concerned for them. Yeah. Sure. That's an emotion not usually felt in a strip club. Yeah. I know. I accidentally thought of them as people for a second. I've been in a... Weird thing is I've dealt with a banker more... Or a bank teller more recently than I've dealt with a stripper.

Yeah. What a strange world. I certainly have not been to a strip club It's never It really doesn't come up unless You're in your 20s I guess And somebody's getting married It shouldn't

It shouldn't go up unless I'm getting married Are you ready for your strip club excursion? Is that mandatory? No What did you do for your You're a married man now Did you do anything for a bachelor're a married man now, and what did you do? Did you do anything for a bachelor party?

I went out to dinner with like... There was five of us. We just went out to dinner. We had like a really nice dinner. We had a nice dinner. And then walking out of this restaurant... We realized nobody had paid. No.

And then we ran. Ran like hell. It was our last night of freedom. There was a group of girls at a table in the same restaurant that as we were leaving, one of them recognized me from show business. The greatest business of all. And then we all started talking. She said, well, we're getting married too. My fiancé is having his bachelor party you should go meet up with him at this place

and so we had all there was five six of us and we all had a nice dinner we had like a couple drinks so we were in that place where you're thinking I could go for another couple drinks that would be nice and so we

follow this girl and her friends who were leading us to this other bar uh this other nice bar to meet her fiance and his friends and we walked and walked and walked and the walk was so long that everybody lost interest and you know except me like i was still like we finally got to this place, and the place was closing down. I was like, oh, I'm staying. So, now, all those guys that were with me were staying in the area, and I was staying on this island, you know, outside of Charleston. And I was like, oh, I wanted to hang out. Now, everybody's leaving.

Like, I got all, like, worked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, have an evening this is my night yeah like nobody cared anymore because we're all like adults you know like we're not kids so it's like everybody's in their 40s like yeah great we're so close to the hotel fantastic and they all left and then i called my i called my fiance um who who was having a night with the girls. Real hen bird. Yeah, exactly.

And she was hanging out at this beach house on the island where we were staying. And I was like, I want to come over. What are you guys doing? I want to hang out. She's like, no, I'm going home. I'm like, God damn it. I want a thing to happen. I want my special night to still be happening.

And that was it. That was it that was it so it was like it was this if that night had ended like the dinner was over and that was it i would have had such a great time yeah but it was like it went one step yeah one step got me all worked up it was the promise of something more exactly dave you've put your finger on it once again thank you my cousin did I mention this in my cousin for his thing? Cousin story? Oh, yeah. For your cousin's bachelor party. Yeah. Go ahead. I don't think

so. They smashed a car. Smashed a car. Like an extra level on Street Fighter? Or like that Michael Jackson video. More like the extra level on Street Fighter. With their fists? No. More like Michael Jackson video extra. More like the extra level on Street Fighter. With their fists?

No. More like the Michael Jackson cars. Now that I think about it, it was more like the Michael Jackson cars. This last overheard. No, no. Explain the car beating up. Oh, they went for their bachelor party. i can't remember what country it is that they went to because they were well they live over in europe so going to another country is like it

was croatian you just go on it was home it was one of the hostile homophobia they live in the international house of pancakes i was gonna say one of of the countries that the movie Hostel may have taken place in. But yeah, there was a place that, you know, for whatever, $100. You know, it was a scrapyard. You could go and they would give you each person a crowbar sledgehammer and you'd just destroy a car. And it's cathartic. Yeah, but it'd be a lot of fun. Haven't you ever just wanted to destroy a car? Or kick over a drum kit. Well, you're no Michael Jackson then. That's trueartic. Yeah, but it'd be a lot of fun. Haven't you ever just wanted to destroy a car? Or kick over a drum kit.

Well, you're no Michael Jackson, man. That's true. Yeah. Or a street fighter. What if you could beat the shit out of a drum kit? Yeah. Like, imagine that car required some sort of math. I wish that I could just kick it over.

But that's not helping the song. Of course, the pounding on the drums, it just serves to make me a worse drummer. I'm not getting out any aggressions. You know what I mean? Because the song's still happening. What if you simplify it? Just your right foot.

Just the bass drum. You can do that. What if you just... Don't your right foot. Just the bass drum. You can do that. What if you just rename the band The Flips, and at the end of every song, Paul flips the drum kit over? It sounds more like the middle of every song. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's the beginning of every song. And we never finish a song. That's what they say at the beginning of their song. Hey, everybody, we're The Flips. It's in the first measure of every song. The drummer flips over the beginning of the set. Hey, everybody, we're the flips. It's in the first measure of every song. The drummer flips over the drum kit. Yeah. Hey, everybody, we're the flips.

And we're not going to sing a whole song tonight. So you just sing the first measure. Or we may, but drums will not happen all the way through. Drums will be featured very briefly. Yeah. I think that would be a novelty band I would pay. You know what? As we're talking about this, I would love to see that. Yeah, I think that would be a novelty band I would pay. You know what? As we're talking about this, I would love to see that.

I don't want to do it, but I would love to see the band where the drummer gets frustrated with not being able to drum well, knocks over the drum kit, and everybody else just keeps playing. In the first minute of the first song. Yeah. And it's clear that's what's happening. Because it's the only instrument where that works. If you can't play guitar,

you're ruining the song. You could smash the guitar, but then the song is ruined. The song can't keep going. But if you hit the drums... We don't need drummers. The thing about the drummer is you're animal from the Muppets. You're aggressive.

You're a dumb monster. You're Ringo from the Beatles. You're something from that other band. You're Lars from Metallica. From Def Leppard. You're a one-armed... Bandit. Is that what you were going to say?

Yeah. Yeah, you're a slot machine. Yeah, you're a slot machine that also does a little drums. Moonlighting. Sure. That's how he makes so many coins. Our last overheard from Matt B. Our last written

in one. We've still got calls to go. Oh, that's right. Hurry up, Graham. I'm trying my best. Last night, my girlfriend and I went to see the Cake Boss live. Did you know that's a thing? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I do. A lot of people have alerted me to the fact that the Cake Boss live. Did you know that's a thing? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I do. A lot of people have alerted

me to the fact that the Cake Boss is touring. We were seated next to an absolutely crazy woman in her mid-twenties. She had made a collage for Buddy and glued a rolling pin and a whisk onto it.

She was also wearing I've never seen him with a rolling pin and a whisk onto it. She was also wearing... I've never seen him with a rolling pin. Like a bunch of random junk. I've never seen him use a tool. No, not at all. He's not homo haploid. I saw him... I watched his show the other night.

I had not watched it since Best Week Ever when I was on Best Week Ever. And I had to watch things like that. Because I do an impression of him on my podcast. Has it been around that long? Yeah. Wow. It's a couple years now. Yeah, okay. I thought, oh, I should watch this

because people kept telling me, you should mention Fondant a lot, because that's what he mentions. He mentions Fondant a lot. Yeah. I was like, alright alright I'm going to watch an episode of this and see if he mentions fondant and I saw him make a

fake flower for this cake and he used like a little brush and he was painting this thing with edible paints and stuff like that so I actually saw him use a tool and not just yell. But he also, there's a thing that I was watching it the other night,

and there's something that he keeps referring to. He said it when we were watching it, too. He kept calling it something called modeling chocolate. Yeah. He goes, yeah, use modeling chocolate. And, like, that's a thing that everybody understands. But if you say that, it's, oh, sure, of course. Yeah, he's using modeling chocolate.

They've mentioned it on Ace of Cakes as well. Yeah, but what is a modeling chocolate? It's a chocolate that's not very tasty. But it can be molded in different ways. It should be called molding chocolate, don't you think? Fine, I was trying to use a different word. Yeah, I understand how you're doing it. This lady...

With mostly the same letters. This lady who was holding up the cake boss sign that she had made was also wearing what my girlfriend determined was supposed to be a sweater top, only she was wearing it as a dress. I overheard her say two gems to her husband. Number one, after she didn't get to ask a question during the audience Q&A, where most of the people were asking questions she said i didn't get to ask a question because everyone else was asking a bunch

of stupid questions number one number two before the show when she was discussing the cake boss with her husband jennifer love hewitt doesn't deserve her millions of fans. Buddy does. A true Cake Boss fan. Well, those two are in constant competition. Buddy Valastro and Jennifer Love Valastro. Same famous cleavage. We were watching the Cake Boss a couple weeks ago And they showed an old video of the Cake Boss From 1992

When he was 15 Making him 33 33 years old Yeah that's nuts When I watched he said he was 32 Which is He must He must be eating non-stop fondant

But I said that. It does not look good. And maybe some modeling chocolate. Maybe a little modeling chocolate. It's very fattening. It's because it's able to be so malleable. Exactly. It's mostly fat and butter. It makes itself into fat.

It modeled itself into aging. But I was watching it. and with that in mind... To be fair, I looked like hell at 32 as well. I was in terrible shape. I think I looked worse than him. But you were also working in a bakery at the time, right? Sure. You were making...

I think I was just hanging out at one. But he's not like a a cake um prodigy how did he get like why are we like i'm 29 years old why are people following why isn't there a podcast boss show oh because every week you don't have to make a new crazy podcast and deliver it to the fire don't i yes exactly i sort of have to make a new crazy podcast. You do. But not to somebody else's specification. That's true.

Yeah. And that's... And a heavily produced thing where it's like... The one I just watched... Mea Familia. The one I just watched, it was... I didn't even see the end of it. I just saw the beginning of it where it's so produced

and this guy is saying, I want you to make a special cake for me because i'm going to propose to my girlfriend and buddy's saying oh congratulations that's great and then the guy's saying and so i want to bring i want to bring her into the the bakery and then uh show her like a special cake and then you know when you see that cake i'm gonna ask her to marry me he's like oh she won't like a cake where it's like it looks like i'm gonna ask her to marry me he's like oh she won't like a cake where it's like it looks like a ring box and all that stuff the guy's like yeah yeah i want it to look like that and then he says and there's something else i want you to do

and then there's like a music sting and he brings out the ring and he says i want you to put this ring on the cake and uh it's very important that you take care of this. And Buddy's like, no, of course. I'll put this in a special safe place. And the guy's saying, he's the worst actor, this dude. Yeah. You have to promise me now that nothing will happen to this ring. And Buddy goes, no, of course.

You got my word. It's like nothing's going to happen. Well, now, do I need to watch the rest of it? Do I need to watch the rest of it? To see Buddy flip out. You win the rig! I don't know, Buddy. His nephew comes in with a kite.

I need a weight for my kite! A kite! Well, in addition to written in overheards, and by the way, you can write us at stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com. Yeah, I'm skippy. We also have called in overheards that will... Oh my God, what a long show. And you can call us at 206-339-8328.

It's nobody's fault. It's a mitzvah. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Greg from Omaha. I was just calling in an overheard I had today. Omaha's Trader Joe's just opened, the organic grocery store. And there was a grown woman and her mother. They were walking through the aisles. The place was totally swamped with people. And the daughter said in distress,

Mom, look how long the lines are. It'll take us forever to get out of here. And her mom replied, Oh, honey, I'm not here to buy anything. I just wanted to be here for the moment. I get that. Now, you, when he said it was that Omaha was getting their Trader Joe's, you made a very kind of,ug. Yeah, a shrug. Well, it's when the guy said, the organic grocery store.

Well, we don't have that. We don't have it up here. You have things like that, though. Yeah, we have Whole Foods. I also, I think, because I'm used to Trader Joe's, I don't think of it as the organic grocery store. I think of it as the cheap grocery store. Like the sort of hippie grocery store. I think of the organic grocery store makes me think of Whole Foods, which is very upscale and very expensive.

But Trader Joe's is like the place of, thank God there's Trader Joe's where you can get decent stuff. TGI Trader Joe's. TGI. Jorbs. TJ. Trader Jorbs. Jorbs. Yeah.

Thank you, Trader Jorbs.orbs? Thank you Trader Jorbs And thank Jod for you Thank Jod for Trader Jorbs Next Next Hey Dave Graham, possible guest This is Mike from Las Vegas I got an overseen

I had to walk around the corner to pick up my daughter at her friend's house the other day. We came around the corner, and I never walked around this corner before. There's a car sitting there, and the license plate frame on the front of the car caught my eye. Above the license plate itself, it said, Get Rich or Die Trying. On the bottom, it said, get rich or die trying. And on the bottom, it said, in theaters November 9th. What movie? Is that the name of the movie?

The 50 Cent movie. Oh, man, that's great. I thought the payoff was going to be something 50 Cent related, but I didn't know it was going to be. I just assumed it would be something 50 Cent related. Right, of course. Was that supposed to be an autobiographical film? I think so, yeah. Maybe semi-autobiographical.

What's his name? The guy who directed Deli Confidential and 8 Mile. Oh, okay. Right? Really? Curtis Hanson. Didn't he direct Get Richard Dye Trying? From To Catch a Predator? Is the gentleman...

Curtis Hanson, the boy band? Is the gentleman named... It's 50 Cent. It's his actual name. I think his name might also be Curtis.

It is Curtis. There's a lot of Curtis's in this world. Curtis. 50 Cent might also be Curtis. It is Curtis. There's a lot of Curtis's in this world. Curtis 50 Cent. Cowboy Curtis. Sure. Curtis Mayfield. Curtis Strange. Golfers. Curtis Armstrong.

Isn't Curtis Mayfield? Also some people named Kurt. Yeah. Oh boy. Now we're getting a whole other area. Yeah. Can I say this? I feel weirdly, this is my first experience with this,

after having hearing it. After getting rich and dying. After having hearing it. Yeah. After hearing it so many times, now that I'm the recipient of it, when I hear possible guest,

it feels weirdly dismissive to me. Yeah. Well, sometimes we just, it's just the two of us. Yeah. No, I know. I totally understand. And we've totally admonished

our callers for presuming that we would have a guest in an episode where we didn't. Oh, but I think, I think they're being, they're being, they're trying to be air on the side of politeness.

Yes. But now you feel like it feels... It's sort of like I'm a, like I'm a nobody. No, well, that's not true. It couldn't be further from the truth. Like I don't matter as a human. No, that's not true.

I think that... No, no, no. I understand what you're saying. I think our caller meant you're not a human. You're subhuman. I feel like a chud. Are we going to go chudding after this? Oh, I'd love to go chudding.

Please, can we? It's not too late. Careful, they're cannibalistic. No, no, this is the exact right time. This is when they come out. The night time is the right time for chudding. Yeah, yeah. What are we going to do?

Are we going to get them? Are we going to beat them? What is chudding exactly? Oh, it's when you party with the chuds. Party like a chud star. For the listener, if you're not familiar, cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Yeah. I believe it's when you try to bang a chud. Huh? familiar, cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Read your history books.

It's when you try to bang a chud. Chudding is when you try to bang a chud. Yeah, I will. Bang. Banging means killing them. When you bang a chud, it means you shoot them. By sexing them to death. Before the

term cougar became so well known, when I was in university, people would claim to go cougar hunting, where they would try to bang a cougar, an older woman. And then they would bang a cougar. There was also a side version of that called waist banding, where they would... This is the worst. None of this ever happened, where they would try to is the worst. None of this ever happened. Where they would try to get the largest woman. Oh. I don't like any of this.

Do you know what those guys were? They were the biggest losers. Yep. Oh! Not those fat people like TV wants to tell you. But chugging is when you try to get the most cannibalistic humanoid underground. That's right.

And it's like one guy's like, she's pretty cannibalistic humanoid underground. That's right. That's right. And it's like one guy's like, she's pretty cannibalistic. But she ain't trying to eat me. I got the most cannibalistic humanoid underground. Yeah, we're above ground. And this is... It's halfway to the point. I've never seen that movie.

Have you seen that movie? Mm-hmm. And a sequel. Probably. I've seen a lot. Is it the one about the toxic Avengers? Yeah, Avengers. Adventures.

The toxic... Yeah, exactly. You guys should have worked it into your Sterling Cooper, whatever presentation you did. The toxic Avengers. And finally, our final overheard. And finally.

Oh, hi. It's Graham's mom calling from Calgary. I have an overheard. What? Well, I was part of it, so maybe that's not the right term. Maybe it's something like an over-involved overheard. In any case, I was at the mall on Remembrance Day in the evening near closing time, so it was really quiet, hardly anyone in the mall.

And I took a few items up to the counter and asked the cashier, who was a pretty young woman, for a different size in one of the items. She replied without a hint of irony or rudeness, oh, I'm really sorry, ma'am. I don't know if we have other sizes. I just work here. I'm really sorry, ma'am. I don't know if we have other sizes. I just work here. I like it. I just work here.

This is just my job. Why would I know? I'm the last person in the world who would know what we have here in the store. I play keyboards. The cashier keyboards that are an actual yeah computer keyboard my mom calling in and over her yeah it was pretty good on the paul f tompkins episode oh sure yeah she's saving it up yeah yeah that's right that happened four years ago hello paul f tompkins possible guestpkins, possible guest. Yeah. Yeah. The possible guest.

Would that have killed people? They knew I was going to be up here around this time. Yeah, right? Oh, man. People are the worst. But people, really, if you want to call in, 206-339-8328 or stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com and also speaking of internet things stop podcasting yourself wise somebody was kind enough

the same person who alerted us that we were number two after stop puppy biting when you type in stop P on Google apparently we're now number one we've beaten out oh you guys.

I'm so happy to be here. We're glad to share it with you. Please don't take this the wrong way. I didn't think you guys were going to beat Stop Puppy Biting. Now that I knew that it was a phrase, I Google it myself. I feel like I was sinking my own ship. And it's

to both stop puppies from biting and to stop people from biting puppies. Yeah. That's why it's such a broad category. And you'll never stop people from biting puppies. One hyphen makes all the difference. Now, Paul,

if people want to find you online, and I mean there are numerous sources to do so, where should they go? I have a website, paulftompkins.com. I am on Twitter, at PFTompkins. I am on Facebook, paulftompkins on Facebook. I'm at all those places. And you have a podcast. And I have a podcast, the Pod F Tompkast.

Once monthly. Once monthly, I've started to add extra stuff. Such a treat, though. Thank you. Yeah, it really is. It's nice of you to say. And it's something that's very singular in the world of podcasting. There's nothing else like it.

Yeah, there's a lot of people. There's a lot of podcasts like this one. There's a lot of podcasts. And you've been on all of them. Yeah. And a couple dudes chatting. I would say this. Yes, there are other podcasts

that follow the format of the the conversation but there's not a lot of podcasts like stop podcasting oh i love it i love it there's a lot of podcasts that follow the format of the movie the conversation start gene hackman yes and uh uh either schlemiel or Schlemazel. Haas and Pfeffer Incorporated. You guys are great. All those podcasts at the end have somebody tearing up floorboards and playing the saxophone. We're gonna do it.

Dave, do you have anything you want to plug? Of course not. Here's the one thing I do want to plug. I've gotten a lot of emails about these beard paintings that I brought up mostly as a joke, but a lot of people now actually... Oh, it did not seem as a joke

to me as a guy sitting in the room with you. But now there's a lot of people who want them and I'm gonna... Name your price. Well, this is the thing. Anybody wants them, I'll do it. It's gonna be abstract. I can't give you a design because the beard's going to do... It's not hand.

It's going to be all face. Yeah. Like in the A-team. It's going to be all face. You got your B-A. Yeah, sure. You got your B-A. It's all face.

You're trying to keep face by getting your B-A. Right. I love it when a plan comes together. Something, something Murdoch. Keep face by getting your BA. Right. You love it when a plan comes together. Something, something Murdoch.

But yeah, if people want them, I'll do them. And all the money, I will put it towards charity. To stop puppy biting. I want puppy biting. I'm going to put it towards stop puppy biting. I think there's a charity or two in town that I'm affectionate towards, especially there's one called Megaphone, which is a magazine that homeless people write and sell on the street. And I will gladly make as many beard paintings as people want, and all the money, I assure you, will go to charity. Well, I want one. Well, then. I'm saying it right here and charity. Well, I want one. Well, then.

I'm saying it right here and now. Well, this is going to be a long. How much do I get to call the shots? What do you mean? In terms of what you want painted? I can't promise. Because it's going to be. I need promises.

I'm going to tie off my beard and then paint it with my face. So I don't know how well I'm able to do things that way. I want an elephant. All right. face. So I don't know how well I'm able to do things that way. I want an elephant. Alright. But can I try and then call it elephant even if it doesn't look like an elephant? I want an elephant that looks like it was painted by

one of those elephants who paint. And I want it to be called self-portrait. I want you to know those elephants keep that money That's the difference between you and those elephants Those elephants keep that fucking money Yeah, that's for them Oh, those sons of bitches

Well, Paul, thank you so much for being here Thank you for having me Oh, while you're playing things Could you plug my show in Vancouver one last time? Yeah Even though it already happened Paul was going to be in Vancouver tonight. Where was that taking place?

The Real Theatre. That's right. It sold out, didn't it? It sold out. It did sell out. You'll come back again, will you not? I will come back again. And I want to say thank you in huge part to you guys. Well, and you did

during the show, which was incredibly sweet to do that during the show and say thank you. I think that you guys. Well, and you did during the show, which was incredibly sweet to do that during the show and say thank you. No, but I think that you guys were nice enough to plug the show several weeks in a row, and I think that went a long way towards selling the show out. And thank you so much for that.

It was a pleasure to come up here and do the show, and a pleasure to come up here and do your show. I was really looking forward to this. Yeah, well, and we were looking forward to having you, and we're honored that you would come to the show and a pleasure to come up here and do your show. I was really looking forward to this. Yeah, well, and we were looking forward to having you and we're honored that you would come to the city and be on the podcast. You should be! And we are! You're right! It's fantastic!

It's a big deal! It's a garbage city! Listen to all my voices! Did you know that it's 2.20 in the morning? Yes! We did it, you guys. Guys, we did this whole podcast under a blanket with flashlights everywhere. We made it, you guys. Guys, we did this whole podcast under a blanket with flashlights. We made a fart fort. Yeah, take a break from the fart fort.

Wait till our mom comes in with Jiffy Pop. My mom was, she called in. Your mom called in. That's right. She was like, that was the equivalent of keeping you down, guys. That's right. You're down now. I know you're having fun.

Well, thank you so much again. And really, anybody out there who enjoys the podcast, thank you so much for listening. And I know that people are very good about telling their friends about it. And come on back next week for what I can only imagine will be an amazing episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. you