Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 144 - Damonde Tschritter

Episode Date: December 14, 2010

Comedian Damonde Tshritter joins us to talk about alternative Christmas movies, video arcades, and owls.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 144 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the only man I know who lives underneath a sauna, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I do. It's because I'm Nordic and I need whatever cedar smells. Yeah, downward cedar smells.

Yeah, it's Swedish yoga, downward cedar smells. Yeah, downward cedar smells. Yeah, that's Swedish yoga, downward cedar smells. And joining us on the podcast today is a gentleman that was on our initial list that we put together of all the people we thought, oh, these are people we should definitely have on the podcast. And it's taken us 144 episodes to finally get him here. A very funny man, tours all over Canada. Mr. Damon Schritter is our guest. Thank you. Thanks for finally showing up.

It's nice to have you. It's nice to be here. Yeah. It's quite the studio. It is pretty professional. It's pretty professional. It's all done here. Yeah, it's not too bad.

Closet. I don't know what's in that closet. I've never seen the inside of that closet And I didn't know we were below a sauna Yeah, well, it keeps you warm in the winter Really warm in the summer Yeah, non-stop warmth Yeah, unbearably warm in the summer

Do you want to get to know us? I would love to Get to know us So, Damon, what's going on for you recently? I know you tour a lot You just came back I think you were out in Toronto for a while Yeah to get to know us. So, Damon, what's going on for you recently? I know you tour a lot. You just came back. I think you were out in Toronto for a while.

Yeah. What's been going on recently? Well, still just going out doing shows all over the place. Do you still love it? You've been doing it a long time. I love doing the shows. Yeah, I do. I mean, right now I'm kind of getting to the,

because it's Christmas season, you do all these corporate parties and stuff. By about Christmas, I'm kind of comedied out because you have to go into these. I know that you guys have probably done them. You go to somebody, they hire their Christmas party in a restaurant and you go in and you're like, oh, I'm a dead man. Because it's not set up for comedy. The other night they had me in a place, you know, it was a two-tier thing. I had to stand on these stairs. It was all, everybody was drunk, pointing shots down their throat.

The guy who introduced me couldn't read Damon Schroeder. He's like, what's your name again? So I used a fake name. I just told him Damon Slater. It's the only time I've done that in my career. He's like, I don't even further ado,

Damon Slater. He hands off the mic and I was standing on these stairs and everyone was yelling and people were walking by me. A guy would like, you know, they just walk up and down with their drinks. Six people watched in the middle. A nice little

heart beating in the middle of mayhem, right? And they did that just out of the goodness of their hearts. They didn't want, like, they wanted to get drunk but they felt bad. That was the charity they're doing this Christmas. It was actually the four English guys who didn't know anyone at the party. Yeah, so they were into watching it.

And they were like, we really want to hooligan it up, but we don't know anybody here. And it would be rude. Yeah, they told me to come over for a jar afterwards. What's that? You know, marmalades. Yeah, it was a nice marmalade spread that we shared. Is that slang for like a drink? Yeah, I guess they drink in the jars in London?

I don't know, like the old white mouth masons? Yes, yes. But I would be very suspicious of any British slang that I didn't know. Like, come over for a jar. And then they beat the shit out of you. Yeah, yeah. Or they attempt to seduce you. You said you wanted a jar. Yeah,'s that's where i'm at right now and then i wrote a wrote a

tv show that uh that got optioned by brent butt's company no kidding yeah so it's uh it's been coming along but then the uh comedy network just passed on it uh which is okay yeah It's kind of good and kind of bad. Well, it's probably worse than good. Yeah, really. If we're putting it on a scale. If we're putting it on a scale, yeah. Kind of good, kind of bad. But not that good. Yeah, they really like the whole story.

But as they said, it doesn't really fit with their type of programming they do on the Comedy Network. But we had to let it... Brent's got like a first option look with everything that he does. CTV gets first crack at, right? Oh, of course, sure, yeah. So if they pass, now you can go to like Showcase and all, you know, I talked to all the others,

but we weren't allowed to even shop at them. It's not like the States where you can just throw your stuff out and then they... Like, we don't get into big... But that's awesome. You have a show and there's interest and you're doing it. Yeah, it's coming along.

It took a while. Don't be too worried that the Comedy Network wasn't interested. That it didn't fit with their programming. No, yeah. Because what is their programming? Old episodes of comedy at Club 54? Yes. I watched the what do you call it? John Oliver's

New York stand-up special last night. That was great. Oh, was it? I don't know it uh kristin shull was on it oh she's great yeah she's very funny um they said they like their comedy up front like sketchy comedy ink right right and yours is a like a scripted sitcom kind of yeah it's a scripted is that it it's called the opener it's about like a 22 year old kid going out his first time on the road with like the like like those old guys you know the first time you start out you're like 22 you think you're pretty hot in the town you've been doing well for about a year and all the coffee clubs and so you figure

you go at the store and then you get in with some you pick up some guy because he still doesn't have a car he's been in at 20 something years he doesn't have a car and any money until after the first gig and you got a ride with this guy for the next two weeks. And you go in and you figure it's going to be a comedy club and the first time you go in you're in some lager steak night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get your ass handed to you

and the old guy comes out with a bunch of hat jokes and destroys. Yeah, exactly. So it's kind of these two going across. They'll come to some nice comedy clubs. They'll find some Shangri-Las and they'll be up and down. So is it always the same pairing?

Is it the young guy and the old crusty dude? Yeah, yeah. Kind of out on adventures together? Same pairing heading off from Vancouver. That's like 30 episodes going to Just for Laughs. So they go across the country. That's them trying to make it. Oh, wow.

It's the arc of traveling. So you see all the different sort of comedy scenes you're going to run into. You know, like we've got the Rick Bronson Jewish club owner type guy, Mark Breslin-ish guy who runs the club at Edmonton with his name up on the table. All the stuff that you go through. So you'll see the good, the bad. The kid will do well in some comedy clubs. Do you think I could play 22? Maybe. You might be able to.

Sam Easton's been asking about it. Oh, really? He's like, oh, let me play that part. And I guess it depends on who you get for the old guy. That's true. Right? Like, I think you'd have to. I think Graham could be the old guy. Yeah who you get for the old guy that's true right like i think you'd have to i think graham could be the old guy yeah i feel like the old guy he's about nine months older than i am what about uh what's his name the guy the guy that's um uh very famous canadian actor i want to say his last name is pinson oh gordon pinson that's too

old that's too old yeah so that's too crusty. Yeah, I'd put him around... Early 50s, maybe? Yeah. Like, I have a name in mind. Fired off. Well, no, it's a comedian that we all know. I'm trying to think of an actor who could play that. A guy that pops to mind, like Mike Wilmot?

Yeah. Oh, Mike Wilmot. He's about right, right? Like, he's getting close to 50 but he's also funny and plus he's very funny and plus the the older guy is a bit of a dick you know but uh because they get that way he's crusty or whatever but you don't want the guy to be an absolute asshole and somehow mike wilmot can be a complete dick on stage but everyone loves him yeah well he's got he's got a he's got a charm yeah he's got a charm and he's smart ass at the same time so he kind of fit i remember there was an episode of i

don't know why this sticks sticks out my mind but it's funny when you see uh like a script writers uh interpretation of what a stand-up comedian is like and there was a stand-up character that was on scrubs and he was like a cruise ship comedian and he was just like the most in love with life guy like he was there for an operation and he just like but he was so funny and loose and bright and i'm just like they've never been on a cruise ship i guess none of these writers have ever seen that i uh in grade six our our teacher asked us uh like we did a thing about the circus. Yeah.

And we had to write a thing about who we would want to be in the circus. Like, which performer or what we would want to do at the circus. And I said... Elephant. We'd describe what you would do, describe what you would wear. And I said, I want to be the comedian in the circus, which I'm not sure there has ever been. I think they call them clowns.

No, I'm not. You don't want to be a clown. I don't want to be a clown. I want to be a comedian. And the only thing I remember is like, oh, I would have black socks with shorts and suspenders. You'd be an old man. You'd be an old man. I'd be the old man comedian character. You know, in every circus.

Yeah. And now that's when people go and get their popcorn is when the comedian comes on. It's a nice break from the clown. I want to see a lion kill someone. And what were you going to be in the circus, Graham? I was never asked that. No, I don't think anyone ever was.

Yeah, I think when I was a kid, we did those career day things where it said, you know, you kind of answered the blanket question of what do you want to be when you grow up? And I remember the only answer I gave was wise. I want to be like a wise old dude. And like to me, that was the same thing. I had a picture in my head of what you needed to be. You needed a robe. You needed a long white beard and a pair of sandals. And just sit around all day just thinking about stuff.

I think you're halfway there. Except I hate sandals. Oh, you hate sandals? Yeah. Oh, okay. There is like the old man stereotype of the old man with the long white beard, which is rare. Yeah.

Old men usually shave. Well. That's true. Or don't make it that old. I guess he's, I don't know how he fits in the family, but we got a guy in the family that's got the white beard. He'd be my dad's last ex-wife's brother. So I don't know what that makes him.

He would have been like an uncle at one point. Kind of a brother-in-law to your dad. Anyhow, he comes to the Christmas family thing at my dad's every year. And this guy, he used to be a garbage man for years. And now he's a professional Santa. Really? He's got the beard. Wow.

Not just your guy at the mall. They fly him in. He's got the three-week gig in Amsterdam. They fly him in there. And he does like a two-year. He's got the three-week gig in Amsterdam. They fly him in there. And he does like a two-year. He's one of the top paid Santas around. He's the weed Santa. Yeah.

So they fly him in. And whenever he does his Santa stuff. But then when he comes to our Christmas party, it gets kind of creepy. Because he shows up with like the suspenders. He's still kind of in a Santa thing. And then he sits on this chair in the middle. And hands out gifts to the kids. And like my niece has no idea.

Like she just thinks she's like santa would you quit bugging me like she just thinks that santa hangs out at our place every year and that you know so she's not really impressed with santa he's just this guy yeah is there of your santa again like uh i was uh at the at kingsgate mall today an awful mall, and there was a mother carrying groceries in like a cardboard box. Like her hands were full and she had groceries in bags in the box. And she had two kids with her and they were really upset that they didn't get to go to see Santa, who was right there. And the mother was like, you know why you're not going to see Santa? Look at me. I'm carrying this box. Do I look like I want to stand around

in line for Santa? I guess she kind of forgot that for a kid, there's only one Santa, and it's amazing that he's in this mall right now. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's no big deal to her.

Of course. And were you told as a kid that it was an elf that played santa did you think it was him because i was his helper yeah when you started getting wise to the fact that wait why is santa here yeah when you were trying to figure out the math and all of a sudden oh yeah there's like a legion of santa claus yes making appearances like saddam hussein's body doubles yeah santa's got food tasters he got body doubles. There was a lady at the mall that I was at this morning named Charlotte Church.

Wait, no. The Welsh opera singer? No. Charlotte... I feel like it was Charlotte something. She's a kids singer. Charlotte Diamond? That's it. Thank you. Not Charlotte Church.

Charlotte Diamond. And she wasn't on yet when I was there, but all the kids were sitting in the seats waiting for her. I feel like the parents were the only ones that knew what they were there for, and the kids' heads were just lolling around. They're entertained by anything. Yeah, she was a children's singer when I was a child. Yeah. I can't believe you knew two different charlotte's no not uh charlotte's web you're so mad yeah i'm so angry i like like the idea of a story where there's a santa like where santa goes to see his extended family for christ dinner. The Clauses? Yeah, and they're not impressed by him. Like, he's just...

Yeah, he's like the runt. And, like, the rest of the family is just like, you know, a regular family and they have this big dinner, but he's still playing the Santa guy on the evening. He's still sitting in a chair

and expecting people to kind of laud him. Are they a little upset with him because he only, like, visits once a year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lives up in the North Pole. He's kind of... He never kind of... He doesn't keep a little upset with him because he only visits once a year he lives up in the north pool he's kind of

he's just a jerk he hangs out with elves are they all sort of magical and immortal as well just him it's like a Gene Simmons family or something they're like oh Gene's here Santa, Nick

in this family we say ha ha ha yeah and he's like oh we know you don't laugh like that i uh just put together no he said nick the the santa guy yeah family his name is actually nick no way yeah i didn't even think of that till now yeah nick uh if he puts his finger to his nose does does he disappear? No, he's just there. Is that a Universal Santa thing? Is he supposed to disappear? It's in The Night Before Christmas. Okay.

Where he puts a finger to his nose and that makes him fly or something. Sure. No, he needs Ranger to fly. But he flies up the chimney. Oh, okay. Yeah. Or something. Or maybe he's just doing a snot rocket up the chimney. I hate that. I maybe he's just like doing a snot rocket

i hate the term i hate the action i know but they couldn't write that in a kid's book it's disgusting snot rocket huh it's very poetic yeah you put it in the poem yeah exactly i was told it was the saskatchewan nose play when i was a. It was like, I guess it's a greener. I don't know. It's got to do with Saskatchewan Rough Riders. I don't know. It's gross. The worst.

It is gross. Yeah. And the fact that we each know a name for it. A regional dialect. It's been around us enough in our lives that someone had to name it. Yeah. Not a fan. Now, you mentioned your family.

You have quite, you have like a large extended family. The Clumps. You're one of the clumps. Yep. When you go, do you go back every year for Christmas celebration? I go back. Yeah. Where are you from?

Vancouver Island. Well, Victoria, all parts of Vancouver Island. Sort of Victoria and Parksville. I spent time between both. Right. So yeah, I go over. I'll be over on like the 20thth as soon as I can after like comedy season.

Sure. I get over there, hang out. Uh, so I do. How many people are there? Cause it's a large, you have a large kind of, uh, it's a, it's a big situation. I don't know how many people there are in total, but it's like Friday night is my dad's family. Right.

And there's probably 35 or 40 people there, including the Santa Claus guy and the kids and that sort of stuff that's crazy christmas day is sort of over my mom's and that type of thing and that's a little bit smaller there's probably 12 or 14 people and then boxing day i go up to my grandmothers and all the cousins from that side of the family come so there's about another 40 people there do you like that do i like it yeah yeah for me it's it's it's normal because i've always there's always just been like uh they did christmas from the time we're little there's just a pack of kids running around now we're all the adults kids so it doesn't seem i couldn't i i

well when i used to date uh patsy when i let my ex-girlfriend when i went to her christmas it's just like her mom dad sister the sister's husband and us too and it's just like in a movie yeah where everyone's super polite they don't even drink it us too and it's just like in a movie yeah where everyone's super polite they don't even drink it's sparkling wine it's all manners it's a real like uh like you see in a hallmark movie dinner movie like uh and so to me the dinner that went well yes yeah so exactly so to me that's that felt odd i was like man this is just weird being in a place where nobody's drinking smoking right it's just not uh so you're over the christmas season you're seeing in the I was like, man, this is just weird being in a place where nobody's drinking, smoking. Right. It's just not... So over the Christmas season, you're seeing in the neighborhood of 80 to 90 people, it sounds like.

Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. And most of it all over like a four-day swing. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a lot of... Like, it sounds noisy in my head.

It sounds like there's a lot of people talking over each other. Am I wrong about that? It's not that noisy. They're kind of different people. It's like a hold court. Uncle Jimmy says his joke. Everyone has a laugh. Dad adds something in.

It's not stompy. They don't fight. It's pretty funny. It's a pretty fun group of people to be around. What would you call that Hallmark movie? The fun group of people. Both be around what would you call that hallmark movie the fun group of people both of them have no conflict yeah what is this one sounds like it might have conflict though with that many people that and alcohol like everybody would leave they would forget the one kid in the house yeah i have to fend for himself sure you'd think there'd be some conflict at my dad's it might be a little testy once in a while there's usually one dad

or sister or someone who's who's pissed off one of the others. Sure. And they're not talking. But they're still there. They just don't talk to each other. Do they talk when they've had enough to drink? No. No.

That's just, they got the. That's the rule. The schritters are a little bit. They'll just give someone a year off. When they don't talk to them. And then they come back around. And at my at my grandma's it's all basically my cousins and brothers and that sort of stuff uh sister so it's

it's a little louder because there they're getting drunk and it's not a big sit down dinner it's one of the oh grab like grab yeah it's it's all there and everyone hangs out and there's kids with the so you're roaming between you know floors and Sure, yeah. That gets a little loud when the hockey game starts, about 7. Right, yeah. And then my cousin, who's still always lived in the town, has his hooligan friends show up. He just thinks they can be invited to Christmas dinner. So these bunch of idiots that have always lived in parks full of these drunk guys show up.

Come watch me do donuts. Yeah, exactly. He went down and fired up the Harley last year. Come on down and fired up the harley last year come on down and start up the bike and so the rest of the family like aunts and uncles who were around 60 something are like well it's time for us to head back to port alberni they start clearing out and it's replaced by these guys that are just hooligans yeah some of them are pretty bad guys like guys that i know that dropped out like grade nine spanky shows up like man i haven't seen that

guy since he dropped out in grade nine. Now he's at my Christmas dinner, for Christ's sake. Yeah, there's something about events around Christmas where you always have to see the host's new thing. Right. Like, check out my new motorcycle or check out the new TV or my wine cellar or whatever. And it's not even necessarily a Christmas gift. It's just something new. This is the time of year I unveil stuff.

Yeah. Well, that's a... Yeah, I guess that's it. They got the new snappy camera. Shane fired up his motor. He's like, come on down, everyone. I'll fire up the Harley. He got a Harley.

So he breaks down all the cousins and a bunch of uncles. My Uncle Don and his wife have Harleys too. But they're like, they're retired cruising. So Shane comes down, he fires up his bike. He's cousins and a bunch of uncles. And my Uncle Don and his wife have Harleys, too. But they're retired cruising. So Shane comes down. He fires up his bike. He's kind of all proud of it. My Uncle Don looks at me. He's like, oh, yeah, that's the same bike I bought for your Auntie Val.

Lady bike. He's got the ladies Harley edition that my aunt's 65 and rides. So I took the steam out of his bragging pretty quick. Everyone just kind of like, yeah, nice. She uses that mirror to put on her lipstick. What do you guys think of this? I was at every day

on my way to work, I walked through this parking lot and every day there's a Ford F-150 Harley Davidson edition. It just has an orange Harley Davidson edition. It just has an orange, the Harley Davidson orange stripe down the side and it says Harley

Davidson edition. And once I saw the driver of this truck get out and he had the Harley Davidson jacket on. Oh, so do you think he's just an overall enthusiast? But why not the bike? I bet he has the bike

that guy these guys judging by my cousin getting his harley all of a sudden they're entitled to have harley davidson whatever they want if you've actually got a bike you can put it on your truck you can wear the gear right you know he's got like all of a sudden once he got the bike everything was harley davidson so his coffee mug is his coffee mug is is uh the welcome mat's harley davidson uh every hour how welcoming is that matt his his clock every hour in the hour it fires up you hear a motorbike like rides off and they're proud of it and bragging right oh wow that guy with the truck oh so it's just like it's brand your life, kind of. Yeah, you've earned it.

I'm a Harley guy. You've earned it. They're like, yeah, I'm a Harley guy. I can wear all the gear and whatever. Wow. And all it takes to earn it is to own the main thing. Yeah. I wonder if all those Harley guys, there's a comedian for our American listeners,

or really anybody on the kind of east of canada because he's big out here he's this comedian name he calls himself the harley guy and he does like motorcycle sound effects that's his big you know claim to fame and he's brought in two festivals because of his ability to do that mostly hell's's Angels festivals. Oh yeah, not he's not brought into it. He's brought into gangbanks. The latest Lilith Fair, he was one of the MCs. But yeah, he, I wonder if like

people who are those people that have all the Harley stuff, is the Harley guy their favorite comedian by proxy? Oh yeah, maybe. Probably. And he does pretty well, like you know, you put him in New West, he just destroys it. Oh, yeah. He's the king of Kelowna.

Have you listened to it, like, with your eyes closed? Yeah, he has a slogan on his poster. It's like, your ears won't believe what your eyes will imagine, or something like that. It sounds like a... Oh, yeah. Like, he's dead on, but it's funny because he carries a special mic in his back pocket he's like fonzie at the comb and then when he goes through the impression he switches over to this special harley mic yeah uh so that he can do his sound effects and then he puts it puts it back in his pocket and struts out like uh

um he's uh yeah well ask your cousins at the or if those only one has a Harley only cousin Shane has the Harley yeah we

that's the one you need to ask there's your Christmas present for him right there what Herb Dixon Harley Guy Dixon CD there you go

he'll be like oh this is something I need I didn't know this but he's my favorite comic now because but it's a CD couldn't you just you know put in actual sound effects without people noticing I didn't know this, but he's my favorite comic now. But it's a CD. Couldn't you just put in actual sound effects without people noticing?

Oh, that's true. It is really a live, seeing him live kind of thing. We'd have to get a DVD of him. Yeah. I don't know how that exists. Even then. It's like the Police Academy thing. This is a movie. You could easily put sound effects.

Did you see one time when they showed some documentary on I don't know, it was probably the CBC and it was talking about how they put in laugh tracks in things? No. And so they're showing Herb Dixon his performance with the laugh track in and it's all laughter. He's at this sort of galley thing. And then they show you

the example with it out and he's just eating it. And I wonder if he's one of those mixed bag of guys who's like uh half happy to see it like i would imagine if patrick maliha got that he'd be yeah very excited that he's getting exposure on tv not realizing that it's showing him i wonder yeah like if you're like would you just pat Patrick Malija, by the way, won't be happy to hear that. Oh, well, he knows it. Damon and Patrick go way back. Damon can say things.

Yeah, I can say stuff about him. I didn't let him in my house for a hockey game once. What's that? Well, he was an Ottawa Senators fan when I met him. He wore his jersey and he'd always talk crap about the Canucks. He'd put them down and then the Canucks started to do well when playoff. And all of a sudden he's fan when I met him. He wore his jersey and he'd always talk crap about the Canucks. Like, he'd put them down and then the Canucks started to do well when playoff. And all of a sudden he's like, I called it. I said, so he

wanted to come over for the game. I was like, no, wait, you're not invited. There's no bandwagon room for you type thing. So I told him, no, you're not invited. And he showed up to my house anyhow. And I said, you can't come in. So we made him stand. We opened up the window. It was a basement suite like this. And he had to lean like a giraffe from the Family Giant and watch the game through the window.

I let him in for the third period finally. But for two periods, I made him stand outside. And he stayed. And he stayed. He stayed, watched it, and he showed up in an Ottawa jersey too. I love it. God bless him. This show is getting a little bit too Canadian.

All right. Well, let's pass it on over to you. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, I was out. And a boot. Oh, too Canadian. I was out in a boot, and I was hunting beavers. I was making a felt hat.

Well, last week on the show, we talked about my birthday. It was my birthday a couple weeks ago. And I got a bunch of Facebook messages or people wrote on my wall on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday. Always appreciated. But I've always in the back of my mind wondered about the kind of people who write happy birthday on your wall on Facebook. Happy birthday on your wall on Facebook. Because you literally have friends every day of the year who have birthdays. Do you write it every day of the year? Are you meticulous about every friend?

Or are there people who just mindlessly wish happy birthday without thinking about it? mindlessly like wish happy birthday without thinking about it so i um to test out basically what people do i uh changed my birthday i went into my settings and i changed my birthday to december 6th sure uh from december 1st to see if uh more people or if people would just mindlessly wish me happy birthday again even though my birthday was five days earlier and uh i got a few people who did just happy birthday didn't who didn't remember wishing me a happy birthday five days earlier and i had a few people who were who were kind of on to me and were like uh hey what are you trying to pull anyway happy birthday if this is really your birthday and then there uh there was a third group of people who uh were like hey happy birthday if this is really your birthday. And then there was a third group of people who were like, hey, happy birthday. And just didn't know I was pretending it was my birthday.

And hadn't wished me happy birthday on my actual birthday. And I really felt bad about, you know, kind of duping those people. Like taking advantage of their kindness i can see that and maybe making them look a little bit foolish not like how would they know they're just being nice but yeah but uh that little experiment made me feel a little bit bad well yeah i like the the people who are like well i wish you happy birthday if this is really your happy birthday uh i don't know what you're up to because they wouldn't know maybe the first one was a fake right so you wouldn't know which day it might be real right but uh i feel like uh for a while there i was i had a you know huge block

of time where i wasn't working very much so i would i would uh find everybody's birthday and i would send them a picture of a cake that I thought related to them and it was exhausting. After about three weeks I was like, I can't keep up this. Three weeks? I couldn't keep up this. Three weeks of picking out cakes

every day to send to someone? Like, what cake best presents? You did have some time on your hands in your fake cake shopping. Yeah, exactly. To send that little... But it was kind of my favorite thing that would happen is uh some people would like thank me for it as if the cake had actually changed and like there was a real cake somehow involved and that was that was

my favorite moment where i was like oh there was there is no cake. I kind of got worried. Like, oh, I didn't take a picture of a cake I made for you. Like, there is no cake. Yeah, I didn't take a beautiful picture of this cake. Like a professional picture. This whole operation would cost like $500, $600. But sometimes I would find a cake with the person's name on it, right? And like if it was somebody named Eric's birthday, I would find a cake that says,

Happy birthday, Eric, and send it to them. But then if I couldn't find the name, I would try and find a cake, like a themed cake that I thought they would like. Like for me, it would be a sauna cake. Yeah, like it would be. But then I would Photoshop your head in underneath the sauna because that's where you like to be. Did you ever get as far as going in and photo shopping stuff no but it wasn't out of the question okay you thought about it like it was uh it was a it was a thing i was doing and then i realized a there's no future in this uh there's no money in it and b it's exhausting like and it was just every day because you're right there's about four birthdays a day every day when you have x you know i think once you get past like the 300 mark on facebook

oh la-di-da yeah right hey everybody i almost don't even send out the happy birthday oh i don't either so like the only time i do it like i did see yours come up someone say to you like happy birthday dave shumka i'll see something like i don't said to you, like, happy birthday, Dave Shumkut. I'll see something like, I don't even, like, everybody, like, well, I have people who don't, who only for not wishing you a happy birthday. By the way, I snubbed you. I have people who maybe send me, like, that's all they do is, like, I get a happy birthday from them in 2009 and then don't hear from them for a year and get happy birthday from them in 2010 their weather Facebook I think it's people you know let's see it because I first I don't know I guess when you first said in your listings I

didn't put my birthday in no one doesn't come up on the birthday then which I think is the way to do it but still on my your weird there was a I wound up getting a bunch of happy birthday. And some people knew, but I think others just saw it go out on the CNN cable wire, right? And just look at it like, oh, I better send them one. Because there's people who I know didn't know it was my birthday. But somehow, you know, they saw the wishes, so they... Did anybody send you a cake?

Nobody sent me a cake. You made me a cake outside of my three weeks. It must have been outside of your three weeks. Or you didn't know. I didn't come up on your profile list as a cake to be made. Yeah. And imagine trying to find a a cake. You must have been outside of your three weeks. Or you didn't know. I didn't come up on your profile list as a cake to be made. Yeah. And imagine trying to find a Damon cake. Oh, impossible.

It would have to be a Canucks cake. How appreciative would you have been of that? I probably would have been pretty appreciative. Or a Harley Davidson cake. I know you're a Harley. We should get back into this cake business that I was doing. Yeah, Canucks cake. You could have come over and watched the game.

I'm going to be just standing outside. Inside. Indoors. Indoors. You could have. Oh, man. Where are you and watched the game. Inside. Indoors. Indoors. You could have. Oh, man. What are you guys watching the game later? I'm going to watch it over at Petrofili's house.

Hey, Greg. Yeah. Shall we get to know you? Sure. A couple things. Oh, yeah. Fun. There's a couple things going on.

First and foremost, I am in the process of, it's going very, very well. It is. I made some paintings. This was a thing that started almost a month ago where there was a conversation about, could I make paintings using my beard? Well, you wanted to trim your beard, but before you did that, you wanted to do something with it. Yeah, so we were talking about, like, can I make some sort of, like, abstract paintings with my beard using it as a brush? And then I was thinking, like, I don't want to try and sell these things and just, like, have the money.

So I was kind of looking around for, know i'll give it whatever money i make uh i'll give it to charity and i have a friend who is fighting cancer and she has to go out of the country to get these particular treatments because they're not available in canada so i'm giving the money to her i put them up on ebay just yesterday yeah within 24 hours, within 24 hours two of them are over $100 for bids. The other two are in the 60s. Somebody bought one within the first five minutes that they were up for sale.

And so yeah, if anybody else is out there who's interested in a painting made with my beard, acrylic paint on canvas, you can bid on eBay. There's going to be, by the time this is out, there's still going to be like two or three more days of bidding.

I think two more days of bidding. No, probably five more days. There was seven days total. Yeah, and this will come out in two days. So it's... Yeah, there will be four more days. Four more days to bid. And you're still going to make more.

I'm going to make more, yeah, because I do want, you know, I do want whoever wants one. And I do want to make as much money for her name's Claire Boggan as much as I can. So I've been doing that. I did that over the last few weeks. And they're actually, I've seen them. Yeah. I bid on one of them. I was outbid on one of the ones.

It's tough business. Yeah. I bid on one of them. I was outbid on one of the ones. It's tough business. Yeah. And they're, you know, if you didn't know they were painted with a beard, you'd be like, oh, these are sort of cool abstract things.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know you got into the beard painting business. Well, I mean, as far as I know, he is the beard painting business. Yeah. I think I missed. How do you sign it at the bottom? Eyebrow?

That's the one thing. Put a little eyebrow smudge on there? It's not a bad idea, Damon. It's not bad at all. I may just sign it with an eyebrow. Or eyelashes. Like a butterfly kiss. Just kind of wink at it.

Wink at it. Okay. So thank you to everybody so far who's bid. That's amazing. And I'm so surprised. It's fantastic. So yeah, it's a stocking stuffer. Do I look it up under Punch and Graham Clark beard paintings?

Yeah, exactly. Is that what it is? It'll come up? Yeah, it'll be the first and probably only thing. If you just type in beard painting, it's a lot of paintings of guys with beards. Beards, okay. A lot of guys with beards who have been painted for Santa.

I definitely gotta take a look at those. Oh, yeah, it's a one of a kind. They're all one of a kind. Hey, one of a kind, is that right? Because when I see, when I hear an antiques person on the Antiques Roadshow, they'll say it's the only one of its kind. But one of a kind sounds like there is a kind and this is just one of the many of its kind.

The first one you said. What is it? One of its kind? The only one of its kind. That's it. The last of its kind. But I think one of a kind is one of those things that's uh uh misused like i could care less right yeah you could i guess a one of a kind is there's

a there could be a bunch of them out but it's one yeah version of this yeah like you know there's you've got what six beard paintings but each one is different yeah they're completely different and yeah yeah you're not up to like where they run off the artist's print yet? Are you going to get to the day where you run off a print that says 162 of 400? It's like a run? Yeah, exactly. You find them in coffee shops around town

hanging on a wall? They sell posters at the art gallery. And I like... Somebody sent in a thing based... We were talking about the beard paintings last week. And you then brought up a scene from the movie Forrest Gump. Oh, yeah. Where he's running and he washes his face with a guy's t-shirt and it's the smiley face. And that would never happen.

That has always made me so angry because yeah because i'll just try it with your dumb face so you bought the rest of the movie you were good with them running across the country 17 times but like yeah everything else is sort of believable right yeah i'm with you on that but the smiley face is is redonkulous redonkulous yeah to quote graham clark but uh we had a uh a listener write in and i i apologize i didn't write down uh her name but uh she said that an interesting concept would be to figure out where present day things have come from using that same forrest gump template not not us in particular, but I like it as a potential...

Like she said, how would Forrest Gump have invented Twitter? Right? Okay. You know what I mean? How would Forrest Gump have accidentally invented Facebook? Or accidentally invented the iPod? So it's always start with Forrest Gump. Yeah.

The puzzle is put, make Forrest Gump. Yeah. The puzzle is put, make Forrest Gump Yeah, figure out. So like you take whatever's an object that's a modern kind of everywhere kind of object and then you trace it back to how did Forrest Gump accidentally invent it? There's a lot of movies

with like little bits of I can't even think of any examples Like Back to the Future. This is your cousin, Marvin Barry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chuck Berry. That kind of thing. And Marty McFly invents rock and roll.

Mm-hmm. But there's... Yeah, Forrest Gump is a movie where he is responsible for so many things. Yeah. And he's... But I'm putting it out there to the listeners. I think this is a fun, just a simple kind of activity. If you have any ideas of a modern day object or slogan or way of living or whatever.

Sure. If they made Forrest Gump 10 years later. Yeah. What would he and how would he have discovered Pilates? How would he have? You know what I mean? And I really encourage people, if they've got any good ideas on this,

stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. Because I started thinking about it. It's a lot of fun to try and figure out how would Forrest Gump have accidentally have invented these things. Yeah, is it just Robert Zemeckis movies? Because he did Back to the Future and Forrest Gump. Yeah.

Didn't he do Who Framed Roger Rabbit as well? I don't know. Possibly. He certainly did that creepy Polar Express movie. Oh, yeah. With the dead eyes. The plastic kids. Yeah.

So spooky. Have you seen that? Polar Express? No. It was done with that capture suit thing, you know? Before they had made it like like like avatar okay well they haven't they still haven't perfected it if you ask me still looks awful is puller is that tom hanks he's like an engineer yeah yeah he's an engineer

zombie yeah oh is he an engineer zombie with those eyes he's not meant to be an engineer would that be a great zombie movie? About a zombie that's an engineer of a train? Nope. Just hear me out. He was an engineer in life. Pitch it to the Comedy Network. Becomes a zombie.

It's a zombie train. All the passengers on the train are zombies. Except for two who are still alive. Pretending to be zombies okay did you watch um the end of uh walking dead i did yeah and uh did you watch it yeah i watched the whole thing it's uh this is actually amazing uh this is a great uh dovetail segue because i watched it i loved it i thought it was great did you like it yeah i've been enjoying it yeah it's uh it was only six episodes dave did you watch the end one yes i did uh watched it all it's uh you know it's definitely left on the note of and now what like a lot of left uh strands kind of left on the industry

as a cliffhanger or judge dread it was a real. It was a hell of a Judge Dredd event. At daylight. Yeah, I was surprised it was only six episodes. I thought it was going to be like... I think they were kind of... They didn't know if it was... Yeah, yeah.

But it's already been renewed. Yeah, but it's always... It's like the best new show on TV. You're seeing that on the cover of magazines everywhere. It's already over. Yeah, it's already done. Just when they tell you.

It's only... But I was... We talked talked about a couple weeks ago we got an email uh from someone named bronwyn who asked you know uh you were saying about how excited you were about the show uh did you enjoy it and i said yeah i loved it and she works at image comics which is the parent that's where the the comic book was printed that the show was based on. Okay. And she is offered to send Volume 1 of the series to us? Yeah. To you, probably.

Yeah, but I'm going to share. I like share. Share and share alike. Sure. So you frame that up? Yeah. Episode 1, you read it, frame it up, and send her a beard painting back? Exactly. We're on the crazy barter system. It's a crazy barter system a beard painting back. Exactly. We're on the crazy barter system. It's a crazy barter system on this podcast here. Okay.

Yeah. Which I think is great. What did you enjoy about this series? Season. I liked the really crazy guy who had to cut off his own hand. Yeah, we never saw him again. Oh, but you will. I'm sure. I liked that it left off with the guy whispering a thing.

Oh, what did he whisper? What was he telling him? Yeah, it was like the Lost in Translation. Yeah, yeah. Something romantic. Or there will be blood. Was there a whisper? Remember when he got baptized and he got slapped around all over the place?

That preacher slapped around and at the end he leaned over and said something. He was probably like, I'm going to kill... You know, he killed him. I don't know what he said, but that's probably where the... Yeah, spoiler alert. It's a couple of years old. I think the title is the spoiler. Yeah.

But I enjoyed it. I liked the one thing that... It was kind of weird to me, but I still liked it. But there was the one episode, this is all spoilers, where the guy, he was digging graves, right? And then at the end of the episode, he was like, I had a dream that this was happening. I thought he was going to become like the psychic of the team. And then he just, they were like, nah. Yeah, they left him at the side of the road. Yeah.

How come he didn't see that coming? I like it when they went into the streets and did they pretend to be zombies and killed a bunch of zombies? Did they do that? Yeah, they covered themselves in zombie guts. I don't remember that part.

Maybe I missed one. I think I was the second episode. It was really gross. It's not like Shaun of the Dead? No, no. They had to cover themselves because it was the smell. Because you're the only one that doesn't smell dead. All right. And so they go after you.

But I liked it. I don't think there's ever been a zombie television show uh that i can think of except this awesome one about this zombie who drives a train did you hear that story about the guy the train conductor that got the offer to play for the new york jets and he turned it down no this is just like this week uh because he said like he's got to take care of his parents and the engineer job is solid but the new y York Jets job, that could come and go. Yeah, but there's a minimum of $140,000 that he'll make. Yeah, yeah.

I know. But he'd have to leave his train job. Maybe that's his dream. It was part of his dream. And he just has the ability to play football. Yeah, what do you think about that? All your dreams? That sounds like a Mark Wahlberg movie to me. I think he was a

bartender who made the Philadelphia Eagles. Invincible. Now this guy... Is that what it was? His character was named Vince. Vince the bartender. And it was invincible. Do you think when they make a movie about this guy that they'll ask Mark Wahlberg to do blackface?

He's a black man, yes. Yes, they will. And Mark Wahlberg to do Blackface. Was he a black gentleman? He was a black man, yes. Yes, they will. And Mark Wahlberg will do it. Yeah, and he'll do it. Do you think he'll win the Oscar for it, for such a bold performance? If they didn't give it to Robert Downey Jr. Right.

When he pulled it off, then I don't think they'll give it to... Maybe he just broke ground. Does Mark Wahlberg, is he one of the producers? He's one of the producers of Entourage. Ent one of the producers? He's one of the producers of Entourage. Entourage. And I think he's one of the producers of Boardwalk Empire.

He is. Is he really? His name comes up on the thing. It says Mark Wahlberg and then Martin Scorsese are executive producers. And I don't know. And neither of them are like the creator of the show. That's some other guy. Fred Savage is an executive producer of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Yeah, I've noticed that. Which is great. He directs a bunch of them. Yeah, that's some other guy yeah fred savage is an executive producer of it's always sunny and phil yeah i've noticed that which is great wrecks a bunch of them yeah that's

fantastic uh i would like to pitch mark walberg on my zombie train idea okay he seems like he's in the producing market he likes shows that are going to be successful uh-huh this show about the zombie conductor is going to be really hot what about a zombie conductor who conducts an orchestra i don't i don't hate it i i just don't know the zombie train might have left on you now now that this uh the zombie tv show is up but i think you could probably write an episode of the walking dead with the zombie conductor. The train that pulls in to rescue them. And they've got to get on the zombie train. You could probably get your guy in that way.

Yeah, I like that a lot. Although it's based on a comic book or a graphic novel, so you'd have to first write the graphic novel about the zombie conductor. I'll contact my people. Is that a spoiler alert? Like I could read the graphic novel and tell exactly what happens?

We're only halfway through it right now. Yes, you absolutely could. I think so. Yeah. Is that a spoiler alert? Like I could read the graphic novel and tell exactly what happens? We're only halfway through it right now. Oh, yeah. Yes, you absolutely could. I think so. Yeah, here's a thing. What about a train full of werewolves? Is that a thing? Or a train full of mummies?

Mummies haven't really been... Mummies haven't been back in a while. Everybody else is getting a shake. Tell that to Brendan Fraser. I will. Yeah, the mummies. I will tell that to him. Because mummies aren't scary, except that they can summon, you know, large pits of sand.

Okay. But a mummy, like a mummified person, is a... It's basically a zombie, is it not? But frailer and, you know... Yeah. Zombies have been dead for a week. Oh, but like mummies are like kind of stick. Yeah, they've sort of been dead for 4,000 years. Dusty and they're sort of for yeah they're always bandaged

and dusty is there any other monster but where will train like like that that's only gonna cause trouble like once a month the rest of the time they're just guys riding around on a train and then once a month they go nuts you book the wrong date you book it on a full moon that's a bad train ride you could call it the wrong date yeah you call it on a full moon. That's a bad train ride. You could call it the wrong date. Yeah, you could call it that time of the month. What other monsters do we have? We've got Count Chocula. Yeah. We've got Fruit Brute.

We've got... What about a show about ghosts? Are ghosts out? Ghosts are out, I guess. Aliens are out. Frankensteins. Franken... Ooh, what about a train full of... What about the ghost of Frankenstein's what about a train full of

what about the ghost of Frankenstein what about Dragula from Rob Zombie what if there was a ghost of Frankenstein it would be like the partial ghost of like nine different people ghost chunks

ghost chunks and then there would be a special appearance by the guy who played Chunk in the Goonies. And only the people who really know would get it. Right, right, right. He would have to do the truffle shuffle so everybody knows who he is. That's the one in 20 joke for the one guy who gets it at all. I'd be surprised if it would be 20. Yeah, I'd be surprised if it was 22.

That's for the snobs. Yeah. And you know, I'm like the only 22. It's for the snobs. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I'm like the only guy who didn't see Goonies. Nope. You're the one of two. One of two. He's the other one.

Oh, you haven't seen it? Nope. Wow. Yeah, everyone keeps referencing it. Oh, so I'm the only one in the room that's seen Goonies. Yeah. Wow. You could make up a bunch of stuff about it. Yeah.

Hmm. There's something called the Truffle Shuffle. Okay. Is there or isn't there? Well, it seems like people have just gone, this was like an impact movie on a lot of comic guys that I know around. Yeah, because they were kids.

Go on about the Goonies. But I never, I saw Gremlins. I saw the other G movie with... Hey, it's your cousin, Truffle Shuffle. You know that new dance you're looking for? It's your cousin, Brian Shuffle. I know one of the Goonies was Josh Brolin.

Wasn't he a bad guy? I don't know, but now he's Mr. Serious Actor. What about the other Goonie guys? Was it like the Felvins? Was it those type of guys? The Corys? No, he wasn't in it. Was the little Asian kid from Temple of Doom in it?

There was an Asian kid that had inventions. That was his thing. I've only seen it. I only saw it when I was a kid. I haven't seen it since. When you were a kid and the potential jobs were circus comedian, doctor. Being wise. Being a wise old man. And inventor inventor because i don't know any inventors

what about policemen wasn't that always yeah yeah of course of course but but inventor being a thing but an inventor like the guy who has the shop and he's just inventing stuff like a real inventor a rick moranis in uh honey i shrunk the. Or the dad from Gremlins. Oh, yeah. He was always making lowbrow inventions, right? How did you know that? Because he's seen Gremlins. I've seen Gremlins. I haven't seen Goonies.

Gremlins, alternative Christmas film for people that don't like Christmas films. Also, the movie Go, an alternative Christmas film. Takes place around Christmas. Sarah Pauly and there's a bunch of people in it. It wasn't too great, though. It was okay for its time.

It was all about ecstasy. I forget the name of the guy who wrote it, but he's a big... Isn't it Doug... Lyman? I think it was Brian Shuffle. Brian Shuffle. It's this guy, John something. it no it's lyman i think it was brian shuffle tickets all right the inventor of the truffle it's this guy john something and i follow his blog but i don't remember his name okay he also

wrote he's a big adapter he wrote big fish based on the novel and he wrote a bunch of other stuff can you guys think of any other alt christmas movies that aren't like specifically the weapons a great christmas movie oh good call watch that every year die hard die hard those are my two people asking what my favorite christmas movie is i say lethal weapon lethal weapon die hard gremlins go any others you can uh take place on christmas but our christmasy yeah we're not talking about christmas with the cranks we're not talking about Christmas with the Cranks. We're not talking about Four Families or whatever the hell that one's called.

We're not even talking about Scrooged or Jingle Alls of A. That's another one. But mostly I want to hear about this Forrest Gump. How did he invent modern inventions? Yeah, okay. Let's focus on that. Send in your alternative Christmas movies.

I'm sure there's some that I'm just not thinking of. There's got to be some stupid John Waters movie. Tron was a Christmas movie, wasn't it? Really? No, I'm just throwing that out there. It just comes out at Christmas. The new one. Yeah, the new one.

The original. Did you like the original? I did, but I was like a little kid when I saw it. I re-watched it maybe five years ago, maybe ten years ago. Oh, I fell asleep. There's something that Tom Sharpling of The Best Show on WFMU pointed out from the trailer that I also noticed concurrently was that there's some plot line about how that arcade that was pivotal in the original now was closed but it was closed and they just

put plastic sheets over the over all the video games and then locked it up that how they don't do that with real estate no yeah i had that same thought watching the preview i was like hold on a minute for 20 years it's been shut down in the plastic just like uh like a yeah like are you in the worst real estate market yeah is this? Yeah, is this a ghost town? I'm sure they're going to explain that. It's got to be where real estate just, it's got to be downtown Detroit or somewhere. Real estate just went bad and you could just. I'd love to go to a ghost town that like, you know how they have ghost towns from the

old west that they've tarted up and like, oh, come to the general store. Sure. It's like a tourist attraction. I want to go to an 80s ghost town where it's like, oh, hey, young man. Would you like to play Pac-Man? The Nightmare on Elm Street still playing at the movie theater?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a place. I know we don't want to make it tickling, but in... No, no. Okay, Terrace. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been,

but if you ever go up to a show, they usually put you in this hotel and across the street is this arcade that time forgot. You walk in. Wow. And I don't think if you've ever been but if you ever go up to a show they usually put you in this hotel and across the street is this arcade that time forgot you walk in wow i don't think they've got a game newer than about 86 or 7 it's all that like we used to make the olympic guys run and it's all like it's all the same not even a controller stick just pad yeah yeah like stuff like um it's got that it's got someone's controller but like like i don't know that just 86 would have been like probably the tron game is there like all that stuff that was from the controller, but I don't know. 86 would have been... Probably the Tron game is there. All that stuff that was from the 80s, and they don't have anything new.

It's still just people playing pool over here, kids kind of half drunk, maybe some drugs being sold out front. Sure. All the same old... Wow. All your old games. What were the old... Obviously, you had the ones with the joystick and the buttons.

Yeah. And then there were ones with the rollerball. Yeah. Centipede. They have centipede there. The driving with the steering wheel. Steering wheel. There was the guns, right?

Yeah, guns, like lethal enforcers. That was around since the, I know that was around since the... They still have the rollerball on Golden Tee. Yeah, totally. And they still have the rollerball on Golden Tee. Yeah, totally. They still have the guns on Big Buck Hunter. But there's not many video games left around. I don't think there are many arcades.

It's gotta be hard. Who needs to go to an arcade? There was one video game... And then there were the Power Gloves. And there was a Star Wars game that you sat in and you flew around and it was all lines. Yeah, it was the... How did they make that into Star Wars game that you sat in and you flew around and it was all lines. How did they make that into Star Wars?

There was nothing to look at. Like, oh by the way, it's Star Wars. There's Star Wars sound effects that you can barely hear. That's right. It had no graphics. It was black and white. There was a game I remember

being addicted to when I was a kid. You were either kind of like, they didn't have the names, but it was like you were King Kong or Godzilla. Oh, Rampage. Rampage. Yeah, and you would climb up the building and crush it. That was fun. I love that game too. You just smash the buildings and eating people and knocking down.

Sometimes you get electrocuted. What if the guy from Tron accidentally went into that game? That should be a short that they show before Tron. Like how they do with Pixar movies. When I was a kid, I remember I was really into this hockey game called Blades of Steel. Oh, I remember Blades of Steel. And I was talking about how I was going to go to the arcade i was going to play blades of steel and my sister was like she couldn't remember the name of the game and like hey aren't you supposed to go to the arcade

and play lead blades uh yeah that was that is one thing that i do like i feel uh more often than not about the like the kids that are around now. I feel insanely jealous about how awesome all their stuff is. Yeah, their access to pornography and video games. Yeah, but I do feel a little sad for them that they'll never get to experience the seediness that was a video arcade. A fun center. As they were often called. A fun center in town that was like uh yeah quite seedy um yeah

you don't get the hangout yeah like my the one that i used to go to in the mall was called wizards arcade and it was just the seediest drug sellingist well what have they got now they got one arcade left sort of downtown but there's one like it it's also for selling it's some yeah selling drugs and it's like a porn front, too, like the peep show thing. Oh, really? Yeah. You turn on Bob Hunter and it's all naked ladies? When I was a kid, there were all these arcades down Granville Strip that you had to be 18 to go into.

And I was like, what? There's a lot of Leisure Suit Larry stand-up games. Yeah. Texas Adventures. Well, when I first got here, they had them all down, so we would go to this one and play this...

We were obsessed with this baseball game that was in there. We were playing baseball, but it was one that has the front with the beach shows in the back. Oh, do you remember

the baseball game that had the thing, the little spring-loaded trigger that you pulled back to bat? No. To bat, yeah. Wow. That's a little...

Anyway, go ahead. Sorry. Oh oh i'm sorry it was the arcade that um all of a sudden like an ambulance shows up in police and we don't know what's going on but we looked over uh so the front guy who sells you the quarters or whatever right he's he's going running out and we look and we can see the monitor and there's a guy like laying on the closed circuit monitor like down out cold pants undone from the peep show part like i don't know if someone clubbed him on the head or what happened we were just watching it go down you see the ambulance tends coming to work on him and we're just watching it on the

little black and white tv um i don't know yeah i don't know what happened to paramedics do not get enough credit they don't know they had to go in there and i can't remember resuscitate his boner you know what i i think i don't remember the end of it like i don't. No, they had to go in there and... I can't remember. Resuscitate his boner. You know what? I think... I don't remember the end of it. Like, I don't remember them wheeling him by, everyone in the arcade, with him giving a thumbs up or something like that. Like, I don't... I don't remember that moment.

I mean, there's like, way to have pubic hair, dude. You couldn't really see that. It was just like, the pants were undone. But you couldn't really see that. You just see, like pants were undone, but you couldn't really see anything. You could just see the belt was like, he got half his belt out. He was having like a, maybe he was having an epileptic fit. He was going to try and bite. I don't know what was going on. Yeah, sure.

He got half his belt out. Maybe he was into the choking thing. Maybe he was, yeah. He could have been, yeah. So he was just lying there. He just, yeah. Oh, man. This has been great.

Yeah. Did you want to move on to Overheard? Why not? Oh. Overheard. Overheard, the perennial segment. Ever since we started the podcast, every episode, Overheard. Things overheard in daily life, at your school, at your work, on the bus.

We always like to start with our guest. And, you know, I give you a heads up. Start eavesdropping. And were you successful? I. Start eavesdropping. Were you successful? I got one eavesdrop in. I was hoping to get an example from you guys, but since I'm on deck first...

We can do it that way, if you like. Let me hear what Dave can go first, then me, and then we throw it over to you. Absolutely. Today I was downtown, and I went to the Shopper's Drug Mart downtown. Drugstore. It's everything you want at a drugstore. Yeah. Is it still? Well, it was at one point. Yeah, I don't think that's their slogan anymore.

And as I'm leaving, they make an announcement over the PA looking for security. They want... And then no security shows up. And so there's just four women who work in the cosmetics department getting rid of this crazy undesirable woman who is maybe semi-homeless, maybe semi-drug addicted. Sure.

maybe semi-homeless, maybe semi-drug addicted. Sure. They're both, yeah. She and one of the cosmetics ladies are having it out. Keep in mind, both of these people are white. And so the woman who works there, the cosmetics

counter lady, is telling this woman, just get out of the store. And the woman who's leaving is like, hey! get out of the store. And the woman who's leaving is like, hey! Get out of the store? Who do you think you are? Get out of my country!

And then she keeps challenging this woman to a fight. She's like, I'm leaving! Meet me outside! I will be waiting outside! And then she sort of makes a point of letting her know that she's just going to stay outside until this woman takes her place.

You've got to come out sometime. And she says, I never forget a face. Especially a honky face like you. They're both white. They're both white. So she told her, come into my office. You come Honky And so she told her Come into my office Outside

You come where I live We'll take you to my Take you to This woman's not gonna fight you No, she's gonna go out the back way Honky face? Did she? Yeah

Honky face? Well, I never forget a face Especially a honky face Like you Wow Ha ha ha honky The lady got it that wasn't so much an eavesdrop as in

spectacular incidents okay all right you know I get it like I was trying to lean and listen yeah I was sneakily mine comes courtesy of being I went out to Surrey

earlier in the week to go buy prizes for the Laugh Gallery show that will be on New Year's Eve. You went to the Value Village in Surrey? I went to the Value Village. I also went to the Mennonite Thrift Store. You've been with me one time. The Mennonite Thrift Store

is a goldmine. I cannot say enough good things about the Mennonite Thrift Store. Who are the Mennonites? Are they like the Amish? Were they the guys that Harrison Ford hit out with? Those are the Amish. Oh, the Amish. Mennonites are... Hutterites are like our Amish.

Mennonites are... And Luddites are afraid of computers. Yeah, that's right. And this, I was on the train coming back, and it was a lengthy trip back. It's over, you know, it's a half an hour train ride at least. And there was a girl sitting next to me on the phone the entire trip. So most, I imagine most of my overheards for the next three weeks will be from this one person.

Because it was just one after another after another and just loud only person on the entire train talking on her phone so everybody's privy to every this thing and that thing and at one point she gets in a disagreement with her friend on the phone over uh the ethnicity of this one guy they're talking about and she goes i'm pretty sure that he's Russian. Long pause. Well, I don't know where you're getting that from, but I think he's Russian. His name is Mario.

So that was just one of the many gems. Like Super Mario Brothers. Yeah. Like the Russian video game. Yeah, except Tetris. His name is Tetris. His name was Tetris. His name was Zangief.

Is that what Street Fighter is? Zangief? Yeah. He was the Russian. Yeah, absolutely. So now you're on, Damon. Do you have one? Yeah. It can be from anywhere in your history.

I'll tie this in with a bow. I was at Shopper's Drug Mart. Oh, everything down in town. Yeah, at the drug store. But I was in the post office lineup in the back. And there was a woman talking to the guy who works at the post office, where Mr. Postman guy. Please.

Yeah. So she's going on about, you know, she's sending this package to Puerto Rico. And the guy puts the stamp on it. She's like, wow, that's a U.S. stamp. That's kind of odd. He's like, yeah, I don't know why when we send stuff to Puerto Rico, it's a U.S. stamp. He's like, it's kind of the same as Alaska.

It's its own country, but whenever we send stuff there, it goes through the U.S. Postal Service. Alaska, its own country. Yeah, its own country. And the person agreed. Yeah, that's right. It's like Texas. Alaska. Its own country. Yeah. Yeah, its own country. And the person agreed. Yeah, that's right. It's like Texas. Yes.

So I just... For some reason, yeah, the U.S. handles it for him. Yeah, the U.S. handles it for him. So I thought Mr. Postman would know his countries, at least. Sure. But to him, Alaska's a satellite state. Puerto Rico is a U.S. It's not a state, but it's a... But it's like they kind of own it or something, right? It's like satellite state. Puerto Rico is a U.S. It's not a state, but it's a...

It's like they kind of own it or something, right? It's like Guam. Yeah, it's... Would you say it's a protectorate? Sure. I wouldn't, but I'll let you say it. I'm not going to fight you over it. We also have overheard sent in to us via electronic mail.

And if you want to write to us, you can write to us via StopPodcastingYourself at gmail.com. This first one comes from a gentleman named Quinn. This is Quinn from Texas with an overseen from my 10-year-old son. He made a birthday

card for his mom, my wife, which consisted of an elaborate drawing of stick figure ninjas fighting, as they want to do on birthdays. My wife's birthday was on Thanksgiving's Day this year, so in an attempt to wrap it all together, he wrote on the front of the card, hope your birth

giving is full of action. Nice work, right? Nice work. Giving birth. On Thanksgiving. Thanks for giving birth. Making cards was always fun. Yeah, did you make cards? Did your parents ever make you make cards for...

We did it in school and stuff. Father's Day or something, you had to make like a, you know, in the shape of a tie or something. You write something to your dad and he pulls off a new tie with a chore that you'll do or something like that. You had to write a chore you would do? Something like you could cash him in coupons

but they were on ties. So you're like one free do the dishes or whatever. You made up your coupons

for your dad and you could just rip it off because I guess you'd give your dad a tie every fall or Wednesday, right? Yeah.

You like couples do that with good for one sexy back rub. Yeah. One sexy back rub. yeah yeah dad dad hey dad i'm gonna pop that thing on your neck for you you know the funny thing is that would probably get written on a card by a kid who's got a dad with a boil for years he's just been waiting to lance yeah so he puts it in his

this is done with you you to one free lanson um this is from heath uh in atlanta georgia don't get a lot of heaths no right it's a good name though i had a i had a i disagree oh really yeah okay um don't listen to him heath dave doesn't know. I'm watching the SEC Championship football game going on right now. Typical Heath. At halftime, there was a competition where two high school seniors were trying to throw as many footballs as possible into a giant inflatable Dr. Pepper bottle. They only had 30 seconds to do this, and the person who got the most in would win something like $125,000 for college tuition.

Wow. Afterwards, at the nice little presentation of the big check, the girl who won was asked if she had any comments on her win. She took a breath and yelled out, Thank God, and thank Dr. Pepper. In that order. Yeah. Or not necessarily. But it's like she was thanking, like a doctor sure like uh dr barry pepper oh

i thought the dr pepper actually makes the drink thank you my doctor my my family physician dr pepper um 125 000 for tuition that seems high that seems high but uh you know the 120 that's what they say tuition costs over the four years, plus residence, plus books, plus condoms. No, books are the worst. Booze. Yeah, Connie's. Connie's.

Dome's. $125,000 in four years isn't bad. Like, think how much you spend just living. Yeah, that's true. For four years. Yeah. But as, like, an 18-year-old, you learn to live without.

In those post-high school years, you sort of... A Canadian college, what does that cost? $10,000 a year? It depends. I really do think it depends on where you're going and if you have to live there. That's extra cost

i stayed at my parents house and went to college yeah so i was in the basement yeah but uh yeah i think if you have uh rooming and then food and tuition and books and you know then just spending money on a kid it's a lot lot. I think it amounts to a lot. Yeah, no, it's the worst. It's the worst. Yeah, I think like, now, I think my tuition at UVic was like $2,500. Really?

Like, thinking back, but at the time, people were like bitching about it because it had gone up. It was going up to $3,200 the next year. Well, that's what happened in Britain. There was a riot

about the... People who painted the prints. Yeah. Really? Which prints? Prince Charles. Not the print... He wasn't the guy who was like the Prince of Paint or something. Really? Which prince? Prince Charles. Not the prince. He wasn't the guy who was like the Prince of Paint or something.

The artist formerly known as Prince. Oh, yeah. And this final overheard comes to us courtesy of Matthew. Oh, M-A-T-H-I-E-U. That is correct. From Ann Arbor, Michigan. Oh, that's a French name in an English-speaking town. That's right.

Speaking of universities, that's a university town. Ann Arbor? Yeah. Well, it's the university. University of Michigan. Oh, hello. Go Wolverines. Yeah, thank Dr. Pepper.

I was in France with my family, and we were taking the train to the countryside to visit my grandparents in a small town outside of Paris. Typical Mathieu. This is from many, many years ago, incidentally. We got to the station late, so the train was already pretty packed by the time we got on. My mom and I managed to find seats together,

but my dad had to sit next to a little Boy Scout, or whatever the French equivalent is. Behind my dad and this Boy Scout was a whole troop of boisterous, very French Boy Scouts. About an hour into the train ride, a terrible odor wafted over me, and I noticed that my father was giving me a knowing look, signaling to me that he was the culprit. However, right at that time, another Boy Scout shouted, I'm not sure how to pronounce this, you farted. Yeah, you farted, you bastard. Okay. My dad was momentarily terrified, but it soon became clear that this was not directed at my dad, but rather at the poor kid sitting next to my dad. A group of Boy Scouts then proceeded to gang up on the boy, punching him repeatedly. My father's face turned red, but of course he didn't dare speak up.

That was my favorite one. Wow, yeah. I sort of think of Boy Scouts... Silent but deadly. Pendered on a French Boy Scout or the equivalent. I like that. Whatever they're called.

Yeah, I think of Boy Scouts as being a very North American thing. Yeah. Lord Bain Powell. Yeah. Well, he was British, wasn't he? Yeah, but he started the Boy Scouts, I thought. Well, that's a European thing.

But what would a French Boy Scout do? Petit resistance? Yeah. Petit resistance. thought well that's a european thing but what would a french boy scout do petit resistance yeah i like that as a name for the boys but like do they learn knots or do they learn wines do they learn to learn how to make like a knotted uh uh swiss bread oh yeah did you guys ever serve any time in the Corps? I did, yeah. I did, yeah.

Dib, dib, dib, dib. Dob, dob, dob, dob. Oh, yeah. I promised to do my best, to do my duty, to God and the Queen, to keep the law of the Wolf Cub Pack, and to do a good deed for someone every day. Ours was do a good turn for someone every day. Oh, okay.

I can't remember. Regional. But I only made it through Wolf Cubs. I can't remember. Regional. Do everything. Turn, turn, turn. I only made it through Wolf Cubs. I didn't become a scout. I made it. Yeah, I didn't become a scout.

I didn't become a scout either because if you're a teenager and you're in scouts, you're not going to get chicks. You're not popularity goodbye. I thought you were going to say you're kissing boys in the moment. They teach you knots and they teach you various ways to kiss boys.

Yeah. Well, who are you going to practice your kissing on before you... Yeah, sure. You don't want to go in cold. Your elbow, your reflection. Sure. An orange, a cantaloupe. But, like, what did you learn in Wolf Cubs?

I can't remember learning any. I remember that I really didn't care much for camping. Yeah. They take you out, like, for a day out in the pouring rain. You know, I tied some knots. You played a couple of red ropes. I don't even think we learned knots. I can't remember learning anything.

I remember we had... Well, we were divided into different colors. Like, there was the blue squad. And I remember one of the colors was tawny. Which I thought, that's not even a color. And then we would go for inspection. And they would check your nails to see if they were clean. Yeah, that's right.

Hair and nails. I don't remember. Yeah, I remember that. You had to have your hair had to be clean and your nails had to be like trimmed and brushed and there was another like at this was one thing i've learned and i've used it in my everyday life ever since is that when the kids when we went out to cub camp they made the kids eat popcorn before bed because the salt in it balanced out how much water or fluid you drank during the day. So kids weren't waking up in the middle of the night and having to go out into the outhouse.

So still to this day, a couple of potato chips. You don't have to worry about it. So I'll pass that on to all the listeners. The only thing I really remember about Wolf Cups is they brought in a scout. Like a boy scout came in to like, hey, I'm a scout. Oh, sure, yeah. He came in and was like, oh, hey, here comes a boy scout.

He's going to teach us. You know, you're in a church basement or whatever. Yeah, yeah. It was some like, okay, we're going to play like some sort of game of tag. And he gave us all a big lecture on safety first and this type of thing the kid was probably what 12 pretty bit and uh so then he wanted to give an example of uh the safety and he had some kid chasing they took off and he ran and he ran right face first into a cement pillar in the bottom of

the basement and knocked himself out. And that's the hardest I've ever seen anyone run into something like face first. Like he didn't he was at full speed looking at the wolf cub chasing him and then right when he turned he hit the pillar. It's also the first time I ever saw a kid knocked out. Yeah. Right? Like all of a sudden there's just a kid

out cold. Oh I see them all the time. You see them all the time. Knocked out kids. Knocked out kids. But it was kind of like half cool like oh man he got knocked out you know yeah wow i remember in my because my boy scout thing was in our uh cubs was in a gym at a school yeah and uh they had these they had a whole like kind of thing with ladders and ropes and stuff but it was it kind of folded up into the wall and every week i was like oh man i can't wait till that's unfolded it's gonna be so sweet and i just every week i go and it would still be folded up but then it would correspond

to the school year like when they were doing the jungle gym thing do you know what i'm talking about like it would be like stairs and stuff. It would swing out from the wall and it would become this whole kind of... It was like a pop-up book, basically. The stairs would come... Choose your own adventure. You'd make the... Scratch and stamps.

Yeah, yeah. And they'd wheel up... No, no, no. This would be like a ladder and a rope swing and kind of that spider web thing. But it would fold up into the wall and then it would pop out. Did you ever do the group like parachute activity? Yeah. Once in my life.

What's the group parachute activity? Well, you had this giant, it wasn't actually a parachute. I think it was a parachute. It was this nylon circle. Yeah. And it was enormous. Yeah. It was this nylon circle And it was enormous And you and like I don't know A hundred kids

Would get in a circle And everyone would grab onto this thing And you would basically run to the middle And it would inflate with air And then run back And that was it And sometimes a kid would put his head through the circle part Maybe yeah

A hundred kids You get a circle of a hundred kids and that was it and sometimes a kid would put his head through the circle part maybe yeah I don't really remember a hundred kids yeah a hundred kids you get a circle of a hundred kids you needed like more than one class

okay yeah they would call an assembly yeah it was what pulp described as a different class

now in one thing I remember with Cubs was we did these cars like it was like soapbox derby races. Cub cars.

But just with cars that you carve out of wood. Just like little tiny... Your first whittle. Yeah, your first whittle. And my dad did mine for me. My dad helped me with mine. My dad did all of it. I think my dad did most of it.

I think I painted mine. Do you have any woodworking tools at home? Yeah. How can people be dads these days? No one. No one. That's a shock with all the woodworking tools. A lathe.

Got a lathe. The other kid with the dad with the lathe. He's got perfectly symmetrical wheels on his. There was always a kid that would show up and i'm sure we've talked about this on the podcast but there was always a kid that would show up with just the block with the wheels inserted yeah into it hammered into it and i remember there was one kid and i think i've told this story before but maybe not where he showed up with the block. It was the kind of the Ralphie, you know, kid who had no help from the parents. Yeah.

And, uh, he was racing this guy who had this super aerodynamic one that his dad had made and it was weighted. It had a different weights on it. And, uh, but it was too light and it flew off the track.

So there's block with wheels crossed the finish line and actually won oh like just because by virtue of staying on the track a tortoise and the hare yeah people yeah we wanted it to be heavier because it would uh uh stay down like it would just go faster yeah but the block won um i remember that people would uh drill holes in them and fill them with coins just to make them heavier i have a feeling i dropped out of cubs earlier than i thought because i remember making wooden cars and uh you saw some kid get knocked out that was probably yeah i was like yeah you know that's what happens when you become a scout i'm out right like that's it pulled the plug did you scout. I'm out. Right? Like you're in a sunset.

Pulled the plug. Did you get it? Do you remember any badges that you got? I got a lot of them. I can remember getting badges, but I can't remember. I did like first aid I got, the theater badge. I think I got the theater badge too. And I had the team sports one.

Yeah, I got that. I got, you know, like the whatever, like the one you get for sewing because we learned how to make a wallet. Yeah, sure. You learned how to sew a badge onto your sash. Sure, yep. Yeah, I was a sixer, though. Oh, you were the head. Yeah, I ran the whole little pack.

Yeah, I was in charge of six other cubs. I don't think I ever became a sixer. Yeah. I've never even heard of that. Yeah, you probably weren't paying attention. Well, probably. I was too busy whittling my car. Euphemism. My dad made my car

and he made it in the shape of a raindrop because he's like, well, that's aerodynamic. Because rain hits the ground pretty fast. As fast as possible. It's nature's shape. It wasn't the fastest car. In addition to overheards that we've had written in, we also have It's nature's shape. It wasn't the fastest coming up. Not that long shot.

In addition to overheards that we've had written in, we also have overheards that people have phoned us in. And if you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people did. Hi, guys. This is Christina in Los Angeles. I have an overheard for you. I am just leaving the animal emergency

room, and we're taking our giant Doberman into the hospital, and these two little girls are fighting over the status of our dog, and one is saying, don't touch him. He's a guard dog, and the other little girl goes, no, he's not a guard dog because he's not wearing a security hat.

A little cartoon logic there for you. That was very well done. But wouldn't he, like, if he's going to the hospital, the animal hospital, and by the way, I hope your guard dog is doing well. You'd think he would take off his uniform. Well, maybe not. Some of those guys like to throw it around.

But what if they're bringing him to a hospital from a dog peep show? And his dog pants are down? Yeah, his dog pants are down. He's lost his hat. It's still in the back of a dog peep show somewhere. He's got to get that back. They make you pay for your own. Yeah.

Yeah, guard dog. I like that pay for your own. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to pay for his. Yeah. Guard dog. I like that one a lot. Kids. Go kids. And what are these kids doing hanging out outside an animal house? Oh, they found a squirrel. Yeah. They brought in a squirrel.

They found a squirrel, brought him in a box. Yeah, exactly. No, I think there's loitering, hanging out all day. Seeing dogs. Yeah, that dog is a professor. I'd do that. That owl is a professor. He doesn't have a professor hat.

Wears his mortar board. Why are owls... Owls are always professors. No, but they're wearing the mortar board, the graduation hat. Yes. No professor wears that. No, owls, the graduation hat. Yeah. No professor wears that. No. Owls are just consistently graduating.

Yeah. Yes. Or they're guardians of Calhoul or whatever that movie was called. Could they be the alma mater guy who comes back and talks? Do they give him a hat on the day? Is that a reason to wear the hat? It's like a successful owl graduate. A successful owl graduate comes back to tell

the other owls. An honorary doctorate. He comes back. He's the spokesperson for Tootsie Roll Pops. He's the Dr. William Cosby. Yeah. He's the Tootsie Roll Owl?

Yeah. He's the guy who's the highest on the chain? Yeah. As far as I understand. How many licks does it take to get to the center

of a Tootsie Roll Pop? One, two, three. I played the snow owl in Dumb and Dumber. The one who wasn't hit with the quirk. Went on to fame. Famous owls.

Possibly the most famous owl. Yeah. I still think... Oh, you mean of the real owls? I guess owls of Gahool. Yeah, they're pretty big. What is this? Like a blue man group that goes around?

Yeah. Owls of Gahool? It's like they do a puppetry of the penis. It's like a Polar Express style animated movie. Yeah. Where they actually put owls in... Tom Hanks' body. Yeah, they put them in motion capture suits and had them act out zombie fantasies.

Train fantasies. Dumb. Next! Hi, Dave Graham and probable guests. This is Chase from Washington, D.C. in the good old U.S. Bay, and I have an overheard. Walking through the library, you know, minding my own business as it were, and walked past a library attendant saying to a man,

well, it's free to borrow the books, but you have to bring them back. Love the show, guys. Bye. Yeah. That's how a library works. It's not free to have. It's a borrow. Maybe the guy was trying to buy a book.

Oh, yeah. That's a bookstore he was looking for. Or an Amazon.com. Which is a bookstore. Yeah. But an online version. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. Kudos.

You could pick up any number of books about owls. The Gahool series. The owl magazine for kids. Yeah. Ranger Rick. Is owl magazine still a thing? Probably not. Have you ever seen an owl?

In real life? Yeah. Yeah. is still a thing? Probably not. Have you ever seen an owl? In real life? Yeah. Either my dad or my brother was attacked by an owl while riding a bicycle.

That's a great story. Wait a minute. Your dad's walking down the street. He's riding a bicycle. He's having a Tootsie Pop. An owl comes out of nowhere and attacks him. My dad was riding on a bike, chewing on a rat that the owl thought was his rightful property.

He was reading a Farley Mowat book. Yeah, so I believe it was my dad and not my brother who was attacked by an owl. I didn't know owls attack when owls attack. Yeah, sure. Well, that was remarkable when someone says have you ever seen an owl

you don't expect oh yeah my dad was attacked by one and every once a month he turns into a half owl on a train I'd never seen one in my whole life and then maybe a summer ago

back to back owls within a week. It was a two-for-two thing. One in Quebec. I was in Canby country. I saw my first owl, giant owl. And then I was going through Stanley Park and big owls. So I had to look up what happens when you start seeing owls. It was like a death thing coming at me.

Dream analysis. And it was a whole bunch of different stuff. It means you're about to graduate. I think Thunderheart, the owl used to show up if someone had died or something. In those movies, an owl would just be looking at Zerian Carter. Thunderheart is a famous owl? Thunderheart was not the owl.

He was the Val Kilmer. Oh, Thunderheart is a movie with Val Kilmer. Thunderheart is a movie with Val Kilmer where he's actually a born-again native guy or something. Yeah, and the owl's like a harbinger. You're thinking of Goonies. Yes, yes. I am thinking of Goonies. And when an owl shows up, you find treasure.

Yeah, Val Kilmer's finest role. Yeah, Cyndi Lauper sings to the owl. As Senior Truffle Shuffle. Why is he Spanish? You have to see the movie. Okay. And finally, we have a third phone call from a local.

Oh, nice. One of our townies. A 604. A 778. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Max from Vancouver calling with a great overseen. I was driving with my lovely girlfriend

who is her own person up Georgia Street and we stopped at a light and I looked over and I saw a security guard outside of a building and he was looking very perplexed and pointing at a bike lockup.

There was another security guard inside the building and he was gesturing, the one security guard was gesturing There was another security guard inside the building, and he was gesturing, the one security guard was gesturing to the other security guard, and he was looking like, hmm, what's going on? And I was like, look at these two schmoes, security guards in their orange jackets. The other security guard came out to meet the first security guard, and they were pointing at the bike lockup. I looked down, and it turned out there was a Quidditch broom chained to the bike lockup. Ah.

I've seen that. I saw that downtown somebody else had hooked up a Quidditch broom to a... Is that a thing? Maybe that's a thing. Quidditch, the Harry Potter... Maybe that's the exact same Quidditch one that he's talking about. What is a Quidditch broom? It's in Harry Potter. They fly around on brooms and play this...

Also, some pretty famous owls in that. Fine. Past it. They play this dumb wizard sport called Quidditch. Okay. Which now real-life nerds play on brooms that don't fly. Yeah, they run around on a course. Like the old, like a kid with a horse? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're flying around, so then a guy, okay. Yeah, I haven't seen Goonies or any of the Harry Potters. I used to have a joke about how a father who had, you know, was like a sports kind of father had raised a nerd son, and then he went off to college and then uh came back

at thanksgiving to tell him that he had made the team and uh dad was very proud until he found out it was the quidditch team he was the head whatever you call it he was a sixer sweeper a sixer he was a sixer um my did i ever tell the story of how my brother saw this news story about his alma mater, the university that he went to, and how they have a Quidditch team? No. And this university... It's not a small university he went to. He went to Princeton. He went to Princeton.

I know. It's a big university. I don't want to out my brother. You outed that Princeton has a Quidditch team. That's worse than... Well, he saw this news story and he was so embarrassed that these kids who go to this famous school

were such huge nerds. And there was this news story all about I think it was Greg Gumbel or Bryant Gumbel. One of the Gumbels. Gumbel the Gumbel. Was announcing it. And not only was my I think it was Greg Gumbel or Bryant Gumbel. One of the Gumbels. Sure. Gumbel the Gumbel. Yep. Was announcing it.

And not only was my brother embarrassed that they had a Quidditch team, but they lost 100 to nothing. Go Tigers. What happens in a quidditch match is it like you uh have to capture a thing and throw a thing through a thing like a capture the flags but you've got to keep your broom yeah i don't know like i mean in the movie it looks great because they're flying around and they're capturing a flying ball okay what is the ball called uh golden butt i don't know golden so it's like polo for people who can't afford horses they kind of uh magic people yeah it's for magic people okay for magic people okay fair enough now that gentleman who called us uh uh called us twice in a row and uh

i want to play a second call as well i'm pretty sure we were talking about the same Quidditch broom being turned into a light bulb. Yeah, how many can there be? Who knows? It's a crazy city. Lots of owls. Hi, Dave and Graham. It's Max from Vancouver. Again, this is an addendum to my previous call. I just wanted to thank you guys very much. I was painfully circumcised at 25 years old, and I don't think I could have gotten through it without the humor and wit of you guys

from your podcast so thank you very very much oh that was in reference to uh we were talking about that was that last week were we talking about that when have we talked about painful circumcisions uh i assume they're all painful to a degree no but oh no That was I was talking at a bar. I know somebody that had to get a late in life circumcision. I know four people who have had late in life circumcisions. Conversions? Or just medical? Medical. Medical.

Same here. Medical. Was one of them your guest? No. A couple of them have been our guests, but I don't know if they've ever talked about it. The person I know was not a guest. Oh, no. No. No i know was not a guest oh no no no it was not a guest but uh uh like i think he just brought that up out of nowhere maybe yeah but uh no i think he he was saying that listening to us during his having the process

helped him through well thanks we also got a very nice email in the you're welcome. Yeah, thanks, thanks. And you're welcome. And sorry about that. Yeah, better luck next time. We got another one about a lady who was going through a cancer procedure and listened to the podcast and she sent us a message. That's not as funny. I don't think either are particularly funny.

No, I think grown-up circumcision is pretty funny. Well, I think you think it until it happens to you. No, exactly. But if it happens to your loved one,cision is pretty funny. Well, I think you think it until it happens to you. No, exactly. But if it happens to your loved one, it's pretty funny. Somebody you love very much. Yeah. As long as it's not happening to you, it's funny.

Whereas the other thing, not funny. Right. I can't even say it. I just called it the other thing. I understand. I'm just offended that I wasn't referred to as probable guest. Was that Colin? Did I get back-to-back probable guest? You may have.

It's the thing that goes on in the show. Do you guys sometimes do this just together? Like no guest? Yeah, just the two of us. And people have called in and said, hello, Graham and Dave and guest. Oh, we go nuts. There's no guest. Because how would they know?

Exactly. And yet we mock them. We go real balls to the wall. Yeah, we're Sixers. Now, Damon, we've reached the end of the show, as it were. Do you have anything you would like to plug? Do you have any upcoming dates? Not as much.

Do I have anything to plug? Geez. No, I'll be in Calgary and Edmonton the end of January. Okay. If there's anyone there. Where are you playing at? The Yuck Yucks out there. Okay.

And if people want to find you online, where should they go? Go to DamonSchrider.com. And all those dates will be listed on there? Yeah. Everything will be listed on there. And if you can spell DamonSchrider.com and follow that. Spell it for them. Well, it's on your iPod right now.

Look down at your iPod. It's right there. Oh, good. That's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It'll be on there. Okay.

So, yeah. It's just all of it in one. That's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It'll be on there. Okay. So, yeah. It's just all of it in one. DamonSchroeder.com. No spaces. No spaces. This is one of the few web addresses that doesn't have spaces in it. Yes. So, cool.

Well, thank you very much for being our guest. Thanks for having me over here, guys. It's been a fun afternoon. Oh, fantastic. Dave, do you need to plug anything? Do you have anything coming up? Just people should check out the blog. Yes.

On MaximumFun.org. Go to MaximumFun.org. And pretty soon, I'm pretty sure they're going to... Oh, and actually, on the blog, I'll put a link to your beard paintings. Awesome. And also, at the end of this month, New Year's Eve, myself and Dave and a bunch of other comics will be at the Laugh Gallery New Year's Eve, myself and Dave and a bunch of other comics will be at the Laugh Gallery New Year's Eve show. If you're in Vancouver

or somewhere nearby Vancouver, you can pick up tickets at Neptune Records. And it's going to be the cheapest ticket in town for a New Year's Eve show, as far as I know. Unless you're staying home and watching Dick Clark. Probably the funniest show. I'm going to say so. I'm here in town doing stuff. I think it's pretty funny,

but your guys' show is going to be better. I like how to say so. I'm here in town doing stuff. I think it's pretty funny, but your guys' show is going to be better. I like how you say it. I like it. Oh, and here's the thing we'd like to start to do. If anyone listens to Jordan Jesse Go, the podcast from our mother corporation, they do a thing

where you can let them know of an event that you have have and they'll promote it for $100. We're about to do the same thing. If you have something that you'd like to promote and it's a personal message like a

happy birthday or a happy anniversary or whatever, we'll talk about it on the show for $100. If it's something commercial that you're making money from, it's only $150, and we will promote that on the show. Sure.

And if you would like that, email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A, at MaximumFun.org. And also, I encourage you to go check out the blog that Dave does each and every week at MaximumFun.org. And also, I encourage you to go check out the blog that Dave does each and every week at MaximumFun.org. It's very funny. It'll have pictures and videos relating to what we talked about this week. And thanks everybody for listening.

If you like the show, tell your friends. And come on back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.