Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 150 - Craig Anderson

Episode Date: January 25, 2011

Comedian and actor Craig Anderson returns to talk fantasy novels, autographs, and Burlington Coat Factory.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 150 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is... I don't know what to say about this guy. He may or may not have just been on television in the last hour when we were recording this podcast

talking about baby celebrities. It's Mr. Dave Shumka. I just got a phone call literally as we were setting up this podcast from my father uh asking if i was on television and i said not not that i know of but he described it in a way of like it was like there was a picture of you and it was a side view and you're wearing a brown sports coat and i could definitely i know those pictures exist yeah but what it was like, I have two questions for you. Question one, were you just on television?

No. Question two, are you involved with baby celebrities somehow? I do have a blog, sort of, about... Yeah. Kidcasting. Yeah. But usually the phone calls are, why doesn't my TV work?

I sat on the remote and now nothing works. I've accidentally activated the panic room. And our guest today, a returning guest, a favorite guest, and somebody we're very glad to have back, especially on this, the momentous 150th episode, episode, Mr. Craig Anderson, who you may have seen him. He's one of the leads in Thundercats. Yep. That's right. On the CW network.

On the WB. Yeah. On the WB. Correct. Sorry, my mistake. Every Saturday morning at 9.30 a.m. He is also a member of the Sunday Service, and uh they have a podcast out the second episode is already out you're working on the third i imagine that's correct yes and uh it's mr craig anderson

hi everyone thanks for being our guest thanks for having me fellas do you want to get to know us i would love to get to know us you are on on a television show. Correct. That features a group of cheerleaders, and you are a law student? Yep. Or a lawyer proper? Pre-law student. And your character's name is? Morgan Pepper.

Love it. Good southern name. And you, like we were discussing, that hopes are high for a spinoff. Morgan Pepper, attorney at law. Yeah, absolutely. It's Wildcats, right? Or is it Hellcats? discussing that hopes are high for a spinoff. Morgan Piper, attorney at law. Yeah, absolutely. It's Wildcats, right?

Or is it Hellcats? It's Hellcats. Yeah, that's right. Creeps. Creeps. Who, us? Yeah, we're creeps. No, never. Well, welcome to the show, and we're about ready to start the podcast.

and we're about ready to start the podcast. So, between podcasting and starring in a television show and just living in life. Just living. What's new, buddy? Yeah, what is new? That's pretty much it. I was telling you guys earlier I had some time

off from the show, so I've been trying to rearrange my apartment. I got a lot of good fantasy novels over the Christmas holidays. Just diving into those. Fantasy novels are the ones that are enormous. They're the big ones. They're the ones where a man finds a woman

kind of down on her luck. No, those are different kinds. Those are fantasy novels. And then, you know, he's brash and she's a milk she's a milkmaid he's a yeah yeah and then right yeah yeah and then he's wearing a blouse take us through a fantasy novel because they're they are enormous i've never read them they're huge what could pause what is it just a ton of detail or is there a ton of action are there maps

oh there's always maps oh buddy that's the best part of anyone check out that map right off the bat and some dramatis personae possibly that's a list of the characters yeah yeah because there's so many no you're gonna keep going back oh yeah oh that's who troll is he's troll. That's how I'd write a fantasy. I'd be like, hero, troll. I would at least sort of like turn them into names. The betrayer.

Betrayal guy. But his last name is But Not Yet. He's best friend of hero. I'm excited to find out why Betrayal is named Betrayal. So, have you, like, a lifelong fantasy fan? Kind of. Or did you just get a lot of them for Christmas? I feel obliged to read them.

I've been into it since, like, high school, I guess. There's just, once you get into them they're like each novel is really long but then there's like they're usually like five to ten novels to like right it's they're just sagas i don't know there's a lot going on but then like do you become is it is it the same as sci-fi like where you have to you know this one and what it can do and all the details of the place and the tools that they use, etc. That's what sci-fi is.

That's what the extended fanship is, right? You gotta know all the... You gotta know and know all of them. Yeah, yeah. If you were to dive into like halfway through the book that I'm reading, it would just be nonsense to you. Oh, please tell us the title of the book you're reading.

It's called Midnight Tides. It's book five of the Malazan Book of the Fallen series. Of course. Written by Canadian Steven Erickson. But Midnight Tide sounds like one of those ones I was describing. Yeah, it does. With the milkmaid. Yeah.

And now, fantasy is like science fiction, but instead of in space, it's set in... Swords and dragons and horses. In sword dragon time. Yeah. So what if somebody has a sword in outer space? Sci-fi or fantasy?

I think it's... Ooh, I don't know. Steampunk. Yeah. Actually, are there any steampunk books? There must be Wild Wild West, the novelization. That's at least one. There's a fantasy series, it's a television series called Escaflowne, which is about robots and space and dragons. And swords.

That sounds like... Sword lords. That sounds like... Sword Lords. Escaflowne sounds like a thing you put in your nose. Oh, sure, yeah. Flownes. Flownes, thank you. The nascent XP. But is there... On your part, say that that person that you said was the author was in town,

would you go to a book signing is it that level no that would be weird there'd be weird people there no well well but maybe they would be the normals and you would be that's right that's right the other series i read that's equally as long was so long that that the guy writing it died before he could finish it i would have gotten to meet him carpal tunnel robert jordan and then then his like his wife had to like carefully select like another guy to oh wow take up all of his like notes and stuff and continue the series which is now on book 13 wow and so like but do they ever come out in hardcover they always come out in paperback no they come in hardcover do they really yeah i don't

think i've ever seen a fantasy book in hard i've never looked they're they're huge because they're that much bigger it's like yeah they're i don't know the size of a something come on uh size of a... Something. Come on. The size of a... VHS player. Nice. Nice. Not bad. Or just a VHS rewinder. Oh, yeah. Shaped like a car. A car.

They're always cars. They're always Ferraris. You also impressed us with a statistic about taxi drivers before we started the podcast. That's right. It was what? One in every... One in every 50 taxi drivers is a jazz guy. That's true. It is true. And in every 50 taxi drivers is a jazz guy. That's true.

It is true. And he's listening to it so loud. What about in New Orleans, though? It's probably the average is higher. Yeah, well, even your airport shuttle driver. Yeah, is probably listening to some kind of jazz. But one in 50 cab drivers is a Zydeco guy. I'm reading the Zydeco series right now

i've got one of the scenes from zydeco painted on the side of my van wasn't that a thing like a fantasy scene airbrushed on your van yeah but like it seemed like the guys who drove vans were also not the guys reading fantasy well i think am i wrong about that i think there may have been some overlap between like It seemed like the guys who drove vans were also not the guys reading fantasy novels. Am I wrong about that? I think there may have been some overlap between, like, prog rock and fantasy. Well, wasn't Led Zeppelin, weren't they big into the fantasy? They have several songs referencing, like, Mordor.

Yeah. But it's, like, part of the song is about, like, being with your lady, but then it's, like, Oh, then Gollum came along. Just peppering in fantasy references you gotta take off your sword um i'm a pretty good impressionist i don't even really know led zeppelin but i feel like my impression was pretty good yeah thank you um so you've been reading books you You've been doing crosswords. Oh, yeah. What crosswords do you like? I just do the one in the Vancouver Sun, which is the one from the New York Times. Oh, okay.

Okay. Well, there's two in the Vancouver Sun. Okay. Well, I just did one. Is there one for jerks and one for smarties? No. Yeah. Well, the one for jerks is the Vancouver Sun one. And then there's the one from the New York Times, which gets harder as the week goes on.

See, I did like a... And then what happens at the end of the week? I think I did a Monday. At the end of the week, they start over. No, but like, does it culminate in something? Well, the Sunday one. The Sunday one. But the Sunday isn't super hard.

It's just more involved. It has a theme. Oh. It's maybe as hard as a Thursday, Friday. I never get much farther in a crossword than the... I find, not out of frustration, but out of I just don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I'm that way with a lot of games and pursuits. You know, like a puzzle, I'll just be like, I just don't want to do this anymore.

Which, by the way, Dave has finished a puzzle. Beautiful puzzle. I did not finish the puzzle. I finished the puzzle. I did not start it. No, but it was a collaborative. It was on the table. I ignored the puzzle for a did not start it. No, but it was a collaborative. It was on the table. I ignored the puzzle for a long time.

It was a gift from a secret Santa or in a Yankee swap. And Abby started it a couple weeks ago, and then I finished it off to take all the glory. But here I am, not taking the glory. No, right? And then I was talking to you last week about puzzle glue and how there's people who finish puzzles and then they glue them together and then they frame them. Lacquer it down. Yeah.

Like, do you do that with a crossword? Do you just lacquer it so you're like, it's finished? I'll put it in the file with the others. Laminate it. Yeah. Where in your new rearranged apartment do you do your crosswords? I'm really milking this for all I can. I'm like Pierce Morgan. I do crosswords? I'm really milking this for all I can. I'm like Piers Morgan.

I do crosswords at the coffee shop. I don't take my work home with me. Leave that where it belongs. You wake up, 7am, put on a suit, put your crossword in a briefcase, go down to the coffee shop, finish crossword,

burn it so that nobody else can have the answers. You go with your crossword and you ask the barista, so what's your Wi-Fi password? I don't need it. I'm doing crossword. Yeah, and question four is what's your Wi-Fi password? Four down. Question four. I'm an idiot crossword wise. They're called clues. So that's it? That's all that's been going on?

It's been a while since we talked to you. Surely something must have happened. Yeah, well... Okay, let's ask you this. How is it working on a television series? It's awesome. Is it really? It's great, yeah. Explained.

In detail. Starting now. The character I play is fun and gets to be silly. I don't have to do any of the really involved cheering routines that everyone else does. Everyone else has to work a lot harder on the show. I just get to be silly. And you get to sit in a nice trailer and people take care of you. Do you think that there will be an episode...

Let me rephrase the question. There will be an episode where the lead has a dream sequence where you are a cheerleader in it. And then you'll have to... Then you will have to... A male cheerleader. With a sweater and the slacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, sweaters and slacks. There are male cheerleaders on the show. I've seen it many times. Males and females. They're called bases. The guys are called bases? Yeah. Bases and flyers.

Oh, flyers. Yeah, I picked that up. I would just like to apologize for the awful children who are banging on the... Oh, they're just basing and flying up there. Yeah. When I moved in, my upstairs neighbors have these rowdy children, and when I moved in, their bedtime was about 7.

It seems to be about 11 now. A year later. They grow up so fast. They do. So you haven't done any cheerleading on the show. No. But you hope to. Yeah. It's your aspiration. Did you try out for a cheerleader role and then not get it?

How many, like, as an actor, do you audition a lot? Or was it like... I did, yeah. Before the show, I did. I don't much anymore because I don't have any... Reason to. Yeah. Or time to do shows.

But, like, would you ever get... Would someone... What I'm asking is here we go someone who's trying out for the role of cheerleader would they ask them to come up with their own chair yeah do you think that sorry yes the answer the answer to your long question is yes okay no this do you get um because it's a show that's aimed at the demographic, probably teen girls, I'm guessing. Oh, yeah. And you, Graham Clarks. Do you get fan mail?

Is there any of that situation going on? No. Are you a heartthrob yet? Yes or no? No. Why? Have you been in Bop? Have you been in Teen Beat?

I don't think so. That would be amazing. Yeah. But it seems like something that you've got to get somebody to, you know, Zac Efron's people on that, on you. Yeah. Yeah, let's start creating a buzz here. Because that seems like a thing, right, that could happen?

Yeah. What if that happened? That would be awesome. I guess it would be awesome. I would love that. I think we preferred talking about fantasy novels. Well, it just dawned on me that you could be the first person that I actually know who could be a heartthrob.

Who could be in someone's locker. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Whoa! Like, legitimately in somebody's locker. Not just... I got in there yeah crawled in fifth period i spilled food or you're just going through high schools putting your picture

consider putting me on the vote craig for putting me in your locker okay how about this what did you guys have in your lockers in high school? In high school? Well, yeah. Or junior high. It was uncool to use lockers in high school at my high school. What? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

Where did you hide your drugs? I didn't have any drugs to hide in high school. No, me neither. Dave Shumka. Well, didn't you have to... Oh, I guess you guys don't have to wear jackets to school here. No, I'm from Calgary, too. Oh, yeah.

Well, what do you mean you didn't use a locker? This is crazy talk. In grade 10, I did, but then they just... It was in a weird corner of the school. I don't know. No one used them. No one in the entire school used a locker? Well, I didn't.

I don't know. Me and my friends didn't. I think it was... We were big snowboard guys. We probably liked wearing our coats around. Yeah. Did you have cargo pants every day? Oh, definitely.

Sometimes they zipped off. Yeah, cargo shorts. So you just carried your books inside of those giant pockets and then you were... Yeah, well, that makes no sense. I used a locker in high school. I had a picture of two elephants having sex in my locker. I thought that was pretty keen. In junior high, I had some clippings from YM Magazine that I had taken from my older sister.

Some say anything. Drew Barrymore. Oh, nice. And that's all I can remember. When I was in junior high, my locker pal? Locker mate? Buddy. Locker pal.

Hey, pal. My locker chum, he insisted on having, he put up a picture, I think from a similar magazine, YM. Like, one of them was, what's her name from Beverly Hills 90210? Shannon Doherty Yeah, Shannon Doherty and the blonde one Jenny Garth And I was like I don't want either of these

Oh, Jenny Garth, the handsome lady She's married to Peter Fettinelli Oh! Who's Peter Fettinelli? Oh you know from I don't know what was he in? Sabrina the Teenage Witch He was in movies

I know what you did last summer maybe Oh was he the Italian guy? He played Fettinelli What did you have? Betrayer Betrayer What did you have in your locker in grade eight i uh went through all my cds uh which yeah i maybe had i don't know 45 i had some

45 yeah uh and i uh looked through all the addresses like through all the liner notes to see if they had addresses where you could write to the artists. Yeah. And I wrote all of the artists that were available who had an address and I asked them for an autographed picture. These are the nerds you were talking about who use lockers. Yeah. And I think I heard back from most artists, or like their people. Yeah.

But most of them didn't send an autographed picture. The only people I didn't hear back from was George Thorogood. He's getting a real job. Yeah. He's taking a page out of his own. He's bad to the bone. It's bad to the bone. But so I had autographed pictures of, the only two I can remember are The Odds, local Vancouver band The Odds.

Sure. And Sean Cullen's band, comedy band, Corky and the Juice Pigs. Oh, nice. Yeah. I remember once in high school a band came and played in our cafeteria and I felt that was I feel it might have been the president or not the president, the principal's

friend or cousin because they were old dudes old blues guys they all drove up in taxis one in a hundred guys are blues guys it was like an old guy cover band, and they played in our high school cafeteria for no reason whatsoever. And I remember I had their picture up in my locker for a while that I got them to autograph.

What kind of assemblies do you remember? Assemblies? I don't really remember assemblies. Like, did you ever have a special, like, other than the wedding band that came to your school, like a special presentation that no one, it was always something no one was expecting. Like, no one got a heads up about it. It was like, oh, yeah, by the way, for the class today, we all have to go to the auditorium. And, you know. This man had an icicle fall on his head.

Yeah, it was always scary stuff. Yeah, we had like a drug guy that was like... Told you about how drugs were bad. Yeah. Now he got run over by a motorcycle once or something. What? Because of drugs. I don't know.

Without so much coke, someone drove over me in a motorcycle. Man, I wish we had that i had uh i remember a guy who had been a student at our junior high that was then an astronaut and his story about going into space was the most boring thing i've ever heard in my life which is too bad because it sounds like a neat experience that a really boring guy was ruining. Unlike your guy that was able to spin a motorcycle story into a real memory. Yeah, like in the two stories

I would go with motorcycle drug guy. And then yeah, that weird wedding band that I got them to sign their headshot and I hung it in my locker. But I pretended it was for my friend who was in the hospital with a broken arm. So all the things said, get well soon. Yeah, there was a weird, like,

as a child, not understanding what celebrity is. Yeah. And so you would get autographs from whoever. Yeah. Like, I met one of the guys who was on Breaker High when I was first doing comedy. And so you would get autographs from whoever. Yeah. Like I met one of the guys who was on Breaker High when I was first doing comedy. And then somebody said, go get his autograph. So then I got his autograph.

I got the guy who dared me to him on the back of a coaster. Still have it at home. It was the guy, the heavy guy from Breaker High. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who then grew up to become Ryan Reynolds. No, what is his name? Tyler something? Labine. Yeah.

Tyler Labine. Nailed it. Nice work, guys. Good teamwork. Co-started with Ryan Gosling. Yeah. Who's in a few people's lockers, I'm sure. Yeah.

Yeah, right? I never would have thought back in the Breaker High days that he would be locker material. Dave, what's going on with you? They should have a section in those magazines called locker material. You hear the up-and-comers. Yeah, right. Well, what's going on with me? Come on.

Sock it to us. Shut up. What's the rush? me? Come on. Suck it to us. Shut up. What's the rush? I don't know. Well, you know, about a year ago, my windshield wipers on my car started breaking down. And so I got new windshield wipers. Yes. And they didn't seem right.

And when I would use them, they would squeak really badly. And just, they were the worst. But they, I mean, they basically cleared up the rain. Right. They didn't do a great job of it. And I took my car in for servicing. Like servicing like wink wink? Yeah.

Like servicing like wink wink. Yeah. I took my car in to a man who could satisfy it. The way I never could. And the guy was like, oh, do you know your windshield wipers? They don't fit. They're completely wrong. And I was like, yeah, I know.

I just got them. But I'm going to return them. And I never did. Pride is a strange animal i uh yeah it was a weird mixture of pride and shame yeah sure too much of one not enough of the other uh and so uh but it finally got to the point where i just couldn't see out of my windshield anymore yeah and so i got some new ones and i when I bought the ones last year... This time they were spatulas. Yeah. When I bought the ones last year, there's a little computer at the store that you put the make and model of your car in.

And it'll tell you what windshield wipers to get. Really? Yeah. The world we live in. Yeah. And it was wrong. But this year I went back and they didn't have the computer anymore. They just had a binder full of every car ever made.

Oh, we're going back in time. Yeah. Well, because I drive a DeLorean. And so I got these windshield wipers. You have to steal windshield wipers from the Libyans. Sure, yeah. Because you need windshield wipers to produce 1.21 gigawatts of something.

Of clear vision. But I put them on and they worked and they were so quiet that I literally gasped. I was like, And then And we all apparently ever after.

And when you gasped like that, the guy was like, Oh no, I when you gasped like that the guy was like oh no i installed them wrong because yeah the guy was like i don't think you can go that's one of the things with a car that you can't like you have to be a man and do it you have to install your yeah that's the one circumstance in which i would hire a prostitute and i would say go in i'll pay you to just this is what gets me off. Drive in there and ask them to fix the windshield wipers on the car for you. That gets me off. Because the service will cost like five times what the windshield wipers cost.

Yeah, but not for a pretty lady, you know. Sure. And while you're in there, have sex with everyone. Trying to have sex with somebody who looks important. Not the guy sweeping up. I'm not paying you to just sleep with nobody that can help me. It ends up costing you like eight grand. I don't get it.

I don't know. the whole scenario is great it's fun for you so that's what's been going on with me yep some weeks are better than others yeah this week was very eventful yeah

oh man well I hired a hooker to do my tasks very eventful. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Whew. Well, I hired a hooker to do my taxes. To do your taxes? Yeah. I figured the government would give me some breaks if it was a pretty lady.

Sure. But send the taxes to someone who looks important. Yeah. Run to some poindexter. Yeah. So,

yeah, okay. So, you've uh cross-wording it up uh you white person white person white piece shit i don't even know if i have anything that's gonna top that to be perfectly honest that was a pretty uh i went to victoria over the weekend oh right you played at heckler's yeah the the um heckler Bar and Grill. One of the worst names for a comedy club. Yeah, but a great, great comedy club. Yeah, but it encourages bad behavior. Yeah, comedy clubs just encourage bad behavior. But it was good. It was all right.

That would be like a daycare called Tantrums. Anything else it would be like? Oh, auto body shop called Rust Buckets. No, Craig, you go. Shirt store called Rips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just looked at the shirt hanging on the wall there. Yeah, shirt store.

It's called Jim's. Okay, let's do another round. Let's do another round. I got another one. Okay, go. It's called Jim's. Okay, let's do another rant. Let's do another rant. I got another one. Okay, go. It's a gym called Bitch Tits. Oh, yeah. So...

Oh, we're not doing another rant? Oh, no, yeah, okay. It's like a shooting range. Go shoot yourself in the face. a shooting range called Shoot Yourself in the Face. Called Suicide Lanes. Now you go crazy. It's like a dojo

called Sit Down and Relax. A dojo called Let It Happen. Don't stand up for yourself. Just take it. I'd go to that dojo. That's like Gandhi's dojo.

Got a TV in there. Everyone's just hanging out. If you had a dojo how long that's a big if how long before it just became a place where you watched martial arts movies like a video store

people just come in and you're like nah I could teach you that well because you're rich enough to have a dojo in your house oh it's in my house a personal dojo a personal dojo or if you were Oh, it's in my house. Personal dojo. Oh, yeah, yeah. A PD. A personal dojo.

Or if you were rich enough and you liked martial arts movies enough, how long would it be before your home theater turned into your dojo? You get so psyched up when you're watching Bloodsport. I just want to spar a little bit down here. I'm going to tear out all these seats. Also, that's super rich that you have a room just for one genre of movies this is my karate movie room the western one is so dusty yeah you like west got saloon doors that'd be the worst there'd be all sorts of light coming and you you go in and you you want to watch a dvd and you have your friend slide it down the bar oh man uh i love this guy's life that we've made up.

So I went to Victoria. Not really anything happened in Victoria. Nothing really ever kind of happened. Sleepy town. Yeah. For listeners outside of Canada, it's kind of like a Florida type place. A lot of senior citizens

and not too much goes down. It's quite pretty. City of Gardens? Sure. Yeah, it's the Garden City. Is it the Garden City? It might be. I used to live there. I don't remember.

Yeah, right? You lived there for a while. What was there to do that wasn't going to Heckler's? You know exactly what there is to do. There's a wax museum. Not anymore. Oh, really? Yeah.

Closed. We have a couple of really charming tall ships in the harbor there. Yeah. I like those a lot. Sure. There's a miniature world. Yeah, a world of miniatures. There's a bug zoo.

A zoo that's just bugs. I would like a bug stampede or rodeo oh yeah um like where a a smaller bug would get on the back of a praying mantis yeah and ride it around with a baby saddle a baby saddle like you know small enough for a baby human something that would crush the bug is what you're looking for. I understand. What else is there to do there? There's a very nice hotel that serves tea for $100. Really? I think it's very expensive.

They've got million-dollar babies and $100 teas. I only said that because I saw a million-dollar baby this week as well. Depressing movie. I've never seen it. No. Have you never seen it? But I know how it ends. Yeah, me too. So when you watch it, it's never seen it. You've never seen it? But I know how it ends. Yeah, me too. So when you watch it, it's kind of like...

Have you ever seen it? I'm not going to say how it ends if you've not seen it. I have not seen it. You can say it. No, but you know, this is the thing. She gets paralyzed. You would have to watch it in your paralyzed room. But not the positive

paralyzed room. The depressing depressing one you have two different paralyzed genre movie rooms you're rich you're really are there positive paralyzed movies uh i guess the diving bell and the butterfly there you go see sure playing 24 hours a day in the positive paralyzed um but yeah it's uh i think clwood is, uh, he sounds like a Muppet in it. His voice is very Oscar the Grouch, but it's supposed to be very dramatic. But every time he talks, you can't not picture Oscar the Grouch, uh, talking to this paralyzed woman. Uh, anyways.

Have you seen any of his other movies in recent years? Yeah. He sounds like Oscar the Grouch in all of them It's his voice They're good, he's a good movie maker Yeah Have you seen Gran Torino? Yes It's hilarious

But he does sound like Oscar the Grouch in it, does he not? Yeah, yeah, yeah But my favorite part is the ending Because it's a really serious movie And then at the end There's a song that plays over the closing credits And he sings it And he wrote it No, really? movie, and then at the end there's a song that plays over the closing credits, and he sings it, and he wrote it. Really? Yeah, yeah. That was him?

Yeah. And it's hilarious because he's singing about his grand arena. Oh, man. That's like at the end of a, there's a Jackie Chan film, and at the end of it he sings the closing credit song, and the song is High Upon High, I Adventure Into the Sky. He barely speaks any English, sings the closing credit songs and the song is high upon high i adventure into the sky he barely

speaks any english but it's a uh an anthem called high upon high so if you're a fan of jackie chan's early work oh early yeah okay police story i think it was uh high upon high i travel into the sky you can't sing it wasn Was it an English language movie? No, it was dubbed, but I think he was like, you know what? I'm going to record a version for the English market. Sure. I didn't do any of the talking in the movie in English, but...

He's spending all his time learning the lyrics to High Upon High. Sure. I've got my hands full with High Upon High. Come on. I can't learn. Speaking of films, I've gotten several emails, mostly from listeners of the podcast, congratulating me on being in a Jason Statham movie that I am not in, but that some guy named Ben Foster, who wears a hat. Oh, Ben Foster.

And has a beard. Many people have sent me the trailer congratulating me. He wears a hat that looks like your hat. Yeah. And he has a beard. And you don't see him a lot in the trailer. So it could be me, in theory, except that I'm not an actor and not in that movie. But thanks, everybody, for the congratulations. Ben Foster is in Get Over It, starring Sisko.

That's right, and Martin Short. Yes, and Martin Short. I believe he was, or maybe still is, dating Lenny Kravitz's daughter. Oh, Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf Kravitz. It's not what I meant to say. It's just what came out of my mouth. I'm sorry.

Yeah, on the way over, we were talking about, it's your theme song that you created for Graham's Dad movie reviews. Yeah. One of the all-time great theme songs. I was happy with it. we were talking about it's your your theme song that you created for uh graham's dad right movie reviews yeah one of the all-time great theme songs i was happy with it um we now this don't feel no pressure whatsoever but we recently on the podcast we've had to take care of like business stuff during the podcast we don't have a theme for it making it like we've been making more and more announcements about stuff yes stuff you know business if there was a song about taking care of business we just use that but there isn't yeah so there's no such song but uh if i don't know like i say no pressure but uh perhaps you might want to lend your pipes to a song that would you know, it would be about us taking care of housekeeping

or house cleaning, whatever. The business side of it. The Dow Jones Industrial. Yeah. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor.

You gotta clean your house. you gotta do some more. Take care of business. That was very Dolly Parton. Yeah. You all, that, that, yeah, wow. That was incredible. So first of all, we have finally some merchandise. Yes.

To sell you. Uh, people have been asking for well over a year about t-shirts and they are finally for sale. You can go to MaximumFun.org and there will be a link. Yeah. Or just, you can go straight to MaxFunStore.com. Oh, right. And, uh, the t-shirts are great.

They're designed by a local comedian and artist, Josh Lowen the T-shirts are great. They're designed by local comedian and artist Josh Lowen. And they are based on the coat of arms of the city of Vancouver. Yeah. That features two little men in high-waisted pants. Men. And, yeah, two and a half little men. And Josh has changed their faces, so they are our faces. Yeah.

And it says, stop podcasting yourself on the crest, and it's great. It's super fantastic, and they're on alternative apparel t-shirts. They're super soft. Yeah, some of the softest you can buy in the world. A million thread count. Yeah, there's a, I don't know what the unit of measure of softness is. Is it pillows? Yeah, there's a... I don't know what the unit of measure of softness is. Is it pillows? Yeah, little pillows.

Like peppers at Earl's. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is a three-pepper meal. I shouldn't order that. Or I should order it with milk. So, yeah, head on over there and you can order as many as you like. No limit per customer, as far as I know. It's too unlimited. And also, in the Maximum Fun universe, there is a new podcast that is a member of the Maximum Fun family. It's a very funny podcast, one I actually had not heard of until Jesse Thorne told us that they were joining the family, and I listened to it, and it's very funny.

Yeah, it is called My Brother, My Brother, and Me. And it's an advice show where, you know, listeners every week, they send in questions and seek advice. So you write in to them with your problems, you know, lighthearted problems. Yeah, totally just like questions about, you know, what can I do to better my life, etc. And as it so happens, this week we got two emails from bumpers, from listeners who had... Wanted our advice. Yeah. Who actually sought some advice from us.

And, Craig, if you're willing, these are real things that we got. If you have any... Let's do it. This first one comes from Andrew S. He says, hello, and he says, a quick one, I am a civilian, in brackets, non-comedian, and have been asked by my buddy to emcee his wedding. I know in the past Graham has mentioned emceeing as well as performing at weddings.

Any advice? Now, this is not just limited to me. I've had some experience with emceeing weddings. Have you ever emceed a wedding? No. Have you ever had to make a speech at a wedding? Negative. Really? I've never really been to a wedding as an adult, actually. Is that right? Just as a kid? Just as a child, yes.

Did you dance on somebody's feet? Did you do that thing? Yeah, fine. No, we weren't even allowed to go to the fun party. We just went to the ceremony. Oh, sucky. Oh, yeah. That's awful. I'm really sorry to hear that, man. Do you want to come to my wedding? Yeah.

That'd be fun. Can I dance on your feet? Sure. Thank you. Now, you've done speeches at weddings, right? I had to emcee. I emceed my sister's wedding. This was before... This was after I had become a comedian. Or after I had started doing comedy. I don't know. After you passed the comedian test?

People are like, you're not really a comedian until you, you know. Until you. Eat a pound of fudge in front of me. But it was before anyone in my family knew about it. So they're like, where does he have all this, where did he get all this spritzing ability? But it was was my tips are my tip is basically just keep it moving. Just introduce things.

That's a good, yeah, that's a solid tip. Be unmemorable. I say start with some light humor, gentle jabs, nothing devastating. Yeah, that's a big mistake a lot of people make. Don't try to embarrass the couple. Don't say anything that's remotely embarrassing to the couple ask the couple

this was the most recent one that i emceed ask the couple for a sweet anecdote they kind of either about when they were getting together or whatever just something short and sweet and you kind of lead off the speeches with that. Just something short. If you have a couple jokes about them, you know, if the guy's always late or, you know, he cheated on her. Sure. But, yeah, nothing gross, nothing embarrassing. Because, like, the best man can do that stuff with the MCs, just, like, supposed to hold the whole night together. Yeah, and everyone, all the speeches will probably go really long, right?

Most of them, yeah. So if you are quick, that speeches will probably go really long, right? Most of them. Yeah. So if you are, some of them, some of them will be bordering on tears. Yeah. Waterworks. There was one,

I did this wedding that I am seed and it's for a couple. I didn't know, but the, the husband had a, he was marrying a woman that had a little kid. And the kid made a speech about how much he loved having this guy as his dad. And everybody in the room just lost their shit. Everybody was just crying and it was crazy.

And there were still three more speeches after that. And one guy just did impressions. They just talked about their grade 12 camping trip. It was not good at all. Connor, who we mentioned earlier, who I did Brock's cheer with, was recently in Croatia for a wedding. Yo, he told that story. Oh, he did?

Yeah. Did he tell it when the Croatian comedian told the soup joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, just go back and listen to that. Go back three episodes. But, yeah, the best thing, and also, if it's your friend, just be sincere. Like, if you're not, if what you were saying is you're a civilian and not a comedian, if that was your way of saying that you're not funny, don't try to be funny.

Be sincere. Yeah. If you got one quick joke that you can uh let fly off the top it's great don't do the joke uh that uh the three the joke about the three rings um which one is that three ring circus uh there's uh something involved i forget one ring to rule them all. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's the one, yeah. No, it's literally, if you look up wedding jokes on the internet, there's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. Oh, it's in the ring around the bathtub.

On Honeymoon. Gross, guys. Anyways, I hope something in there was helpful to you. see that's why my brother my brother and me is probably the podcast for uh these type of questions i agree with the advice although i think we're gonna make really good on this uh this uh question sure advice yeah exactly this is from lisa w. I have an odd request. Help me create the ultimate comeback or one-up or take that jerk. Sure, right. Jerk story. Here's the situation.

I moved back to my hometown a few years ago. Not too long ago, I was at the grocery store with my mother when I saw an older man who was my basketball coach when I was a sweet little 10-year-old. I told my mom that I thought I saw Mr. Mean, my basketball coach when i was a sweet little 10 year old i told my mom that i thought i saw mr mean my old coach that's a pretend name so that i can see my a cover my ass huh so his name is mr mean yeah but not really for our purposes because he's a mean person yeah okay like mr betrayal uh yeah the betrayal sorry my bad. She said he's a jerk and then told me why she thought so. Apparently, while I was a sweet, innocent little 10-year-old girl full of joy and smiles,

I was terrible at basketball. I knew at the time I wasn't the best player on the team, but I had so much fun with the game that that's what it was about when you're 10. That and teamwork. We had a big game coming up and the coach mr mean told the other girls on the team not to tell me about the big game so i wouldn't drag them down awful one girl who was a good friend of mine from the team felt terrible about this and told her mother who then called my mother to tell her about the game and

what the coach did to my mother's credit i did not know about this until i was 29 wow i don't think i would have handled it well at 10 nobody would have that's horrible you're not invited even just to be at the game is that that's what i'm hearing right i've got that yeah yeah yeah that sounds like what the bad dojo did in karate that's how they treated their young athletes yeah yeah cobra kai maybe this was the basketball team's name for our purposes it is since I've moved back to my hometown I keep seeing Mr. Mean around town

at the grocery store getting a sandwich on my lunch break etc. never been good at confrontation but I feel like it's necessary now as an adult to let this guy know that I know what he did and that it was a very mean thing can you think of something I could say to this jerk the know that I know what he did and that it was a very mean thing. Can you think of something I could say to this jerk the next time I see him?

Needs to be pretty awesome, and the best I can think of is to tell him I'm a psychiatrist now conducting a study on parent-child relations and how they affect development. In fact, he might be the perfect person to study. I have to make up business cards for this. This is elaborate.

Wow. Can you think of anything better? I'd really like to stick it to him for the 10-year-old me. Okay, well... Lisa, this is big, so I want some thinking caps on here. Well, first of all,

I'm so sorry that you moved back to your hometown. Unless your hometown is New York City. Yeah, otherwise, congratulations. Wait, no. In which case, congratulations. Wait, no. In which case, congratulations. Otherwise, things are not going well for you. But how do you know? Maybe she went, sowed her wild oats, and then realized there's no place like home.

Yeah. You think she had a really slutty period? Yeah, everybody does, don't they? Like, have a happy period. You have a really slutty period. Sure, gross. Gross, guys. Gross.

Guys, thinking caps on. Okay, so you're moved back to your hometown. happy period you have a really slutty period sure gross uh gross guys gross gross guys thinking caps on okay so uh you're moved back to your hometown you see all the it's the old coach oh and he okay here's i'm just gonna throw this out this is off the top of my head there are no bad things this is brainstorming oh i got a feeling this is a bad thing no you go up to him he's getting a sandwich and you blow a whistle right in his ear. Like a coach whistle. He doesn't see it coming, you just blow the whistle right in his ear. Probably deafen him in the one year. Just do it.

Come on. Everybody brings them. I like how elaborate she was getting with the business cards. So, get some track pants and a bag of soccer balls. This was basketball? Coaches always have bags of soccer balls. This was basketball? Yeah. Coaches always have bags of soccer balls. It doesn't matter what sport.

Yeah. And maybe put them in a hatchback or something, sort of a coach car. Yeah, sure. I think I had a coach that always had a hatchback full of soccer balls. Yeah, I think that's right. Cut them some orange slices. Yeah, yeah, get those.

Oh, God. Approach him and say, some orange slices. Get those. Approach him and say, oh hey, I'm a young aspiring sport coach and I got your number from...

Does the sport coach recognize her? No, I don't think so. Mr. Mean. I think what we're looking for here is what you're doing. You've got an undercover, you're approaching him and then when he starts giving advice, you go, when, like, what you're doing. Like, you've got, like, an undercover. You're approaching him. And then when he starts giving advice, you go, when I was 10, you did this. And, like, totally pin him to the wall.

But don't do that. But what about. Okay, no, Craig, you're not done. Yeah, keep going. Yeah, I heard about you from, like, the Coaching Association Hall of Fame. And, like, we want you to come, like, give a talk to all these other coaches. And then, like, want you to come like give a talk to all these other coaches and then like invite him to some place

and then when he gets there do something awful to him I don't know or yeah no yeah it's just a bunch break a champagne bottle

across his face I christen you Mr. Mean yeah when he gets there it's just like sacks of potatoes with glasses on them

like instead of people that he's giving a speech to. You put a hat and a pair of glasses on a bag of oranges. Okay, let's take care. Or wait, you actually get a coach convention together.

You get all the greatest sports coaches, and you host a convention, and you invite him, and you wait until he builds lasting relationships with all the other coaches, and then you throw a big party at the end, and you don't invite him to the party, and then you send him some photos of all the coaches

that he befriended, not at the party. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Why don't you... Oh, wait. Okay, fine. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. Why don't you... Oh, wait. Okay, fine. Oh, no, go ahead. Well, mine was about, you know how the greatest thing you can do to a coach is pour a tub

of Gatorade on them? Yeah. Get a tub of Gatorade, but fill it with acid. And that way he'll be like, really? Thank you. And then it goes on him and he's like, uh-oh. I melted. I'm trying

to think um okay if he's still a teacher you could pay a prostitute to change his windshield wipers you know they they have um like dignity right yeah i'm not asking them to do anything out of the ordinary oh and i am but nothing oh gross yeah uh no uh what if um like this dude's kind of old right and i mean yeah right but lisa she sounds like she's young and hot like so what if you flirt with them well she's 29 yeah but he's not he's a he's like uh right yeah to him yeah so she flirts with him and then maybe like you give them you give the phone number and uh and then uh you know when he calls you up you say fuck you or something like that like you really lay into him on the phone really gotta lead him on for a long time though i think yeah like until he's got a real boner yeah

like he's in the boners you gotta have him uh you know uh invest in some kind of boner pill yeah um oh yeah maybe his uh maybe like get him to cheat on his wife with you it's not a single white femaleist wait no that way you actually have sex yeah um we him. Yeah. We are not good at this. I think a way that... Like, if you want to be right to the point, I think if you... The problem is you would have to initiate a conversation with him in order to get to the point where he realizes who you are and that you're paying him back.

Unless... Oh, wait. She says she sees him getting lunch sometimes. Here it is. Poison his lunch. Even better. You get him while he's got his lunch. It's probably on a tray, right?

You yell out his name. He turns around and you give him a basketball pass right to his lunch and it goes flying everywhere. And then you go, this is for 10-year-old me. Look alive. Yeah, look alive. And then you walk out. Look alive, number nine.

I think that would be great. Like if you just have a basketball and you chest pass it into his lunch in front of everybody. Or bounce pass it into his balls. So hopefully one of those helps you, Lisa. Don't poison them. We're accessories. I watch a lot of SVU. We're not accessories to murder.

I was going to say we're accessories to fashion. I'm sure, yeah. We're Claire's accessories. So yeah, in the most roundabout way, check out My Brother, My Brother and Me on MaximumFun.org Do you want to move on to Overheard? I would love to

Overheard So we're in Overheard But first things first This probably could have gone under the Tag of business Let's play the theme again Why not? I'm so in love with that theme I know but it really sticks with you You don't need to hear it twice It's like the theme again. No, let's not. Why not? I'm so in love with that theme.

I know, but it really sticks with you. You don't need to hear it twice. It's like the CeeLo song, that one from last year. It was just like you heard it once, and then it was burrowed in your head. Yeah, and it really makes more sense without the swear in it. You saw that on Saturday Night Live, right? Yeah. It didn't really need the swear, did it?

No, it absolutely needs the swear. Do you think so? It would not be a hit song without the swear. Yeah, I guess you're right Live, right? Yeah. It didn't really need the swear, did it? No, it absolutely needs the swear. Do you think so? It would not be a hit song without the swear. Yeah, I guess you're right. Forget you. Yeah. But it would still work, though. That was the crazy thing.

But, you know, that's not a sentiment people have. Forget you. Forget you. It's like, oh, we just need an F word. It just needs to be F. Yeah. Anyway. Frame you? Yeah, sure. I'll frame you. It just needs to be F. Yeah. Anyway. Frame you?

Yeah, sure. I'll frame you. Go to jail. That's what Lisa should do with Mr. Mean. Frame him. Yeah, I was going to say something, and then I was like, nah, that's gross. I was going in a gross direction in my brain. All right.

That has nothing to do with framing. Now, let's talk about your beard paintings, Greg. Because... Still on sale. They're still on sale on eBay. And now my question about your beard paintings is, you said you wanted to do these because your beard is way too long and you wanted to do something before you trimmed your beard. Yeah. It now sort of seems like you're doing something to procrastinate about trimming your beard. Give your beard purpose.

What had happened was is that I thought that... I says to him. I says to him, I says, I didn't think from the origins of this whole thing, I really didn't think that I would still be able to put things online and people would buy them. But it keeps happening. And my friend needs to raise a lot of money so i'm just keeping to do it as long as i can trim a lot of beard i could trim a lot of beard but then i would have nothing to paint with i know nobody wants to just see a painting that i painted with my hands i know but i feel like when people got into this to to buying these paintings, it was kind of a special edition. They didn't realize there would be so many of them. I.e., every painting you paint, the one that I've already purchased, goes down in value.

But here's the thing, guys. Eventually I'm going to die, and then things go way up again. Right. Forget you. Yeah. Forget you, too. And a couple weeks ago, we had a guy calling in and complaining that he didn't know uh where to find these paintings right uh and then uh we called but they are on ebay

yeah and and we we we played his call and we uh got mad at him for having too much of an attitude and then he called us back and uh well we uh he still had a bit of an attitude, so we were sort of harsh with him. Right. But he's called back a third time. Okay. Do you want to play that call? I would love to. Dave and Graham, this is Matt.

This will be my third time calling. I really didn't mean for my phone call to have any kind of attitude in it. I really was thrilled that you played my voice over the podcast Airwaves. So, yeah. This guy does not know when to quit. Man, he is just getting... More and more attitude. Yeah. Come on, Matt.

Of course, we're joking. We're joking, Matt. You actually sounded a little bit sad there. But no, yeah. Matt, come on. You're one of the family now. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you like to razz our family. Yeah, it's the Olive Garden. You're among friends. When you hear your family. Oh, sorry. You're among friends. Witness protection. At Swiss Chalet, Boston Pizza the Olive Garden. You're among friends. When you're near your family. Oh, sorry. You're among friends. Witness protection. At Swish LA, Boston Pizza.

Boston Pizza. The keg. Oh, the keg. Keg, do it tonight. Make it right. Yeah. See you tonight. Swish LA, let's have some.

Nothing tastes as good as Swish LA. Oh, right. Juicy fruit is going to move you. Craig, do you have an overheard that you would like to share with the listening audience? I do. Oh. I heard it the other day in timely fashion for this show. I was walking down Main Street at the kind of the time when bars get out on a Saturday night,

which is a great time for overheards. Yeah. A lot of real smart people wandering the streets with big voices. And this guy and this girl were going home together, and they're walking. Like, you know when a guy's walking with his arm all the way around a girl? Oh. That doesn't...

And it's no way to walk. It's not comfortable. It's stupid. Anyways, that's neither here nor there. You're jealous. His overheard was yeah he was explaining to her and he's saying he's like no no no here's how it works the drug money goes in and then the clean money comes out i still don't understand exactly how it works he's like no you're not listening you put the drug money into the business and then you get clean money out.

And it was just such a perfect example of like... She probably didn't know that it... She probably thought it had to be a laundry business. That's where she was confused. Is that all money laundering is? Yeah. But it doesn't have to go offshore? No. Do you have to go to the Turks and Caicos?

Cayman Offshore. Is that all money laundering Did you have to go offshore? No. Did you have to go to the Turks and Caicos? Came in offshore. Is that all money laundering is? Yeah. I think there's more to it than that. I've been money laundering this whole time. Money goes in. Dirty money. Dirty money.

But I think that was just his dumb idea of it. No, it's money laundering Greg. Dirty. Dirty money goes in. Did you call him Greg? Huh? Did you just call him Greg? Craig. I money laundering Greg. Dirty. Did you call him Greg? Huh? Did you just call him Greg? Craig. I think you said Greg.

Let's just erase the tape. Sure. But it's just money passed through an intermediary and then... What if you eat the money? Then you poo it out and it's double dirty, but it's clean government-wise. Poo money is the dirtiest money of all. You know that, Dave. Yeah, that's the old expression.

You watch The Sopranos. What if it's... When Tony ate all that money. What if it's got an exploded ink packet in it? Oh, you could wash that off. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's like bank robbery money, though.

Yeah. Yeah, this is money like... Okay, if I sell you some of my prime hashish... Yeah, sure. And then I'm like, I can't just... Hashish is a... It's a version of some kind of treated pot, I believe. It's like a Mediterranean dish.

Right. Like a tapas. Yeah. No, no, no. Closer to, like, Lebanon. Oh, right. Yeah. Away from tapas.

Yeah. It's that thing on a spit that you see in a Middle Eastern restaurant. A vertical spit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also known as shawarma. You can get it in a donair. But yeah, money laundering, like you, I would take

your hashish money. I can't just take it to the bank because it's too big of a denomination to deposit without the bank becoming suspicious. So then I invest it in a crooked company. I say I'm an investor in say whatever usually a restaurant yeah because there's so much cash then the cash goes through the restaurant they deposit the money in smaller increments and they also spend the money on

the restaurant and they pay you back with money brought in by the restaurant and that there you go money has been laundered through an intermediary. So he was right. And his girlfriend was just. She was playing dumb. In this neighborhood. Have you ever been in a restaurant. Where you're like this is absolutely a front.

Yeah. When you go. You order a pizza. And then they bring out a delicio. I've been in restaurants where it's like, everyone but me in this place is a gangster. And you're not allowed to smoke in restaurants, but everyone is smoking.

And they're doing the knife game with their hands on the table. Dave, do you have it over her? I do. Okay, so I was in the sears popular uh department store yeah very popular sure sears roebuck yeah uh and i thought they bought roebuck out oh i think they're uh i think it's still it's sears roebuck gimbals is the uh full company name um black snake mo yeah i was at uh in sears roebuck the other day and I heard an announcement

come over the loudspeaker. It was just a weird announcement. I had never heard it before and I don't know what it means. It was just major appliances, congratulations, major appliances, congratulations. I don't know what that could possibly mean. Oh, it means that somebody crazy is on the mic. Sure. I would like to congratulate this refrigerator.

On marrying this blender. Sure. That's a minor appliance, to be fair. That's true. That's true. You can't marry below your cast. By the way, appliances definitely have a cast system. There's no doubt about it.

KitchenAid is on top. Everybody knows it. Sure. You know, washers and dryers are untouchable. They can murder as many appliances as they want. Is that what untouchables can do? It's one of the things they can do, no? I literally don't know what the cast system is

um oh it's like uh when a broadway show there's a chorus line well it's a cast yeah sure and then you you you make gina gershon fall down the stairs and then you become the head showgirl oh man why wasn't the movie burlesque more like showgirls and why wasn't showgirls up for five golden globes uh that was a good question did you either of you guys watch the golden globes i watched a bit of this watch a bit of it yeah i don't do you have any favorite parts uh can i tell you mine please yes tilda swinton comes out oh yeah looking like an alien and dressed in a crazy outfit but like not crazy uh over the top just crazy like i think it was just like a she was wearing an enormous uh oxford shirt right like just

an entire shirt as a dress i don't quite remember but it was like an oversized thing to make it was like what an alien would wear she's an alien yeah studied our culture very for a very short time i was like i gotta wear something to it went to sears robuck yeah she only watched any show yeah she bought a tuxedo shirt got confused um made it into a gown uh and just she comes out and she says happy new year but it's too late to say happy did she say happy new year oh what a weirdo too late uh tilda swinton is my animal companion in the golden compass world oh sure she's your spirit animal yeah exactly in the golden compass world if your animal companion in the Golden Compass world. She's your spirit animal. In the Golden Compass world,

if your animal companion dies, do you die? I think so. I haven't finished it. I only watched half of it today. Spoiler alert. But don't they make the rules of the universe? What? They sort of set it up at the beginning that if your animal dies, you die.

Probably. No animal has died yet. I don't know that for know that there's one guy who's training his animal to be a boxer who's become paralyzed but it's unclear whether yeah if you're paralyzed you're still cool right you just walk with a limp oh man that would suck if if that was the case because animals live most animals live much shorter than humans Plus they're little and they're easy to kill and hurt I'm big Macaws live a long time

Tortoises Yeah and the same rules don't apply to animals That's true Jungle rules Well I mean like if I kick a dog I might get a few months in prison Yeah or you might get a dog bite But I'm not going to get a few months in prison for kicking a dog Did I hear, I might get a few months in prison. Yeah, or you might get a dog bite. But I'm not going to get

a few months in prison for kicking a dog. Did I hear myself say that right? You're not going to prison for a few months for kicking a dog. Oh, is it a police dog? Maybe. Oh, okay. You don't know. It was dark. Maybe. It's hard to say. But then that's pretty cool. You get a lot of respect in prison for that. You have to go to

a special prison where it's mostly dogs. It's called a pound. No, it's called Prison for Dogs. It's the sequel to Hotel for that. You have to go to a special prison where it's mostly dogs. It's called The Pound. No, it's called Prison for Dogs. It's the sequel to Hotel for Dogs. All dogs go to prison. Is that true? Yeah. All dogs

go to purgatory. Oh, goodness gracious. Oh, man. Overheard, Greg. Oh, overheard, right. Or Golden Globes story. I was in a restaurant, and there was a lady having an obscenely loud conversation on her cell phone about very sensitive family business, i.e., the social worker was coming over to see if the repairs were made to the house so that the child could return to said house. Wow. This lady was having this conversation like loud enough.

There was only eight or nine people in the restaurant. It was a front. I was saying. Sure. Everyone was smoking. Gambling. She said very loudly into the phone that I gave her $65 for clothes, and she had better not spend it on no alcohol. But this was a woman that looked about 26, so her kid that she was talking about, at most, 12.

Oh, so she gave the kid $65. Yeah, and she better not spend it on no alcohol. Oh, man. Maybe she said it alcohol. I can't remember. Maybe she was trying to make it funky. That's what you would tell the social worker. You'd blame it on the alcohol.

Now, what kind of repairs would need to be made to a house for a kid to move back? Like, crocodile cage repairs? Croc keeps getting out? Yeah. Bring your kid back here, but you gotta keep that croc. This is my spirit animal. Can't keep it caged.

Like Miley Cyrus, it can't be caged. Alright, we also have overheards that have come to us via listeners. Bumpers have sent them in if you want to send one in you can send them in to stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and okay this uh this first one comes from robert t robert t hey guys this is rob from burlington vt vermont vermont thank you burlington vermont uh home of the burlington coat factory yeah i bought From Burlington, VT? Vermont. Vermont. Thank you. Burlington, Vermont. Home of the Burlington Coat Factory. I bought it at the factory. Wow.

The Burlington Coat Factory. The Burlington Coat Factory will save you money. Is that one of their slogans? Yeah. Wasn't he the guy? He was from Barney Miller. Was he Burlington Coat Factory? No, that was a different factory.

The Oak Barn will save you money. Sorry. Ah. Wow. No. Barney Miller guy was. The Oak Barn will save you money. Sorry. Ah, wow. No, Barney Miller guy was for United Buy and Sell Furniture Warehouse. Furniture Warehouse, you're right. Sorry. Steve Landisberg. The Lake Great.

The Lake Great. Okay, this is very confusing for people. Okay. Burlington, Vermont, home of the Huskies. Yes. Nope, that might be Connecticut. No, they're home of the Burlington Coats. That's the local...

The Coats. Yeah. The Burlington... the Burlington Coats. That's the one with the coats. Every sports team is forced to wear leather coats done up all the way to a sports show. Just sweating. What's the mascot? It's another guy from Bernie Miller. Not the guy we were talking about. Abe Vigoda.

But like a cartoony Abe Vigoda dumb yeah but great uh this is rob from burlington vermont factory the other day i was at a local college dive bar and i heard a giant misheard conversation guy hey, do you think pizza dick? Guy two, if I had a pizza dick, I hope it would be pepperoni. Pretty good, right? That's a weird question to start out. Do you think pizza dick? Do you think pizza dick? Are you calling me pizza dick?

Are you calling me pizza dick and asking me if I can't think? But you would never ask someone, do you think Graham is a dick? You would say, hey, Graham's a dick, don't you think? Pizza dick? You just don't know pizza dick the way I know him. He's not delivering. All right.

It's not delivering. Alright. Okay, this is from Matt B. Matt B. Said by a middle-aged wife to her husband after they sat right next to us when there was nobody else in the movie theater. When he's not being Larry the Cable Guy,

he's actually pretty funny. Don't know what to... I have no idea what that could be in reference to. What? When is Larry the Cable Guy not Larry the Cable Guy? Oh, when it's a raven writing desk. Oh, shit. I was trying to think of it as like a riddle.

When is a door not a door? Yeah. When is a raven like a writing desk? Is Larry the Cable Guy in a movie where he's not later the cable guy he's always billed as larry the cable guy yeah but even his character like in delta farce for some reason the the covert ops team has a cable guy maybe those people knew him personally like he had come over for dinner the previous night. He was nice. He brought over a nice wine.

He was a good emcee at our wedding. He emceed the shit out of my wedding. That soup joke even made sense. I can't even remember the soup joke. I remember him telling us. It's a good thing it didn't rain. Because otherwise

you would never be able to finish your soup. God damn it. Okay. This is from Nathan D. Nathan D. Oh, we've had him before because we kept calling him Nathan Detroit. Oh, right!

Good call. From the cast system. The original cast system. Of course, line. No, guys and dolls. Yeah. That's right. I've been stockpiling overheards, and I'll only read one of the three, but a grade nine kid says to his friend, why do you have BG written on your hand?

What is that, blowjob? Pretty good. Pretty good spelling mistake, kid. Yeah. Blowgob. Popular Canadian band Blowgob. Yeah. I want to jump in a lake. Was that Gob's hit?

Yeah, and also the zombie soccer video. Was that Matthew Goode? No, that was Gob. I Hear You Calling. I Hear You Calling. Yeah, that's right. They had one where a guy was chasing a girl, but it turns out he got him at the end, and the girl was another guy with long hair, and then he blew a snot bubble out of his nose.

What was that? I could not. For the life of me. Yeah, not for your whole life-ity. Yeah, anyone out there should look up Canadian 90s punk band Gob. Yeah, and tell them we say hello. Yeah. So yeah, if you want to write to us, again, it's stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com.

And if you would like to call us with your overheard, our phone number is 206-339-8328. We got three calls coming at ya. Pizza Dick. What's up, Pizza Dick? Can you even think, Pizza Dick? Like Pizza Dick's essentially really stupid? Aw, jeez, Pizza Dick. Can you even think anymore?

Do you think? Do you think? Do you ever think? Think before you speak, pizza. Sorry. But women can't resist the taste of your delicious pizza dick. Look, the only reason we brought you along to this bar is because girls love your pizza dick. What?

Shut up. What? It's getting hot out here, pizza dick. He starts melting. Go on. Oh, the way pizza melts. What? It's really hot.

It's pizza. It's melting. Oh, my hands are going. I had pizza in my hand, but it melted because it got too hot. Eat your pizza cone before it melts. Have you had a pizza cone? On Broadway, there's a place you can get it. It's like pizza, but it's in a cone

shape. It's awesome. I feel like you could make any pizza into a cone. Yeah, but this place does. They take away the possibility. Exactly. They do what we're all thinking. Do they make it out of a slice, or do they make it out of a whole pizza? It's like they make a crust

into the cone, and then the filling is all in there. They just pour it in? Yeah, it's really good. And they put ice cream on top? Yeah. It's waffle, so it's a mix of flavors. It's dessert and dinner. I would eat a pizza on a waffle.

And the only way you can buy it is if you're with a dad and he opens a big wallet. All right. All right. All right, but don't tell the police i'm so long that's who buys ice cream for people dads open up a big wallet and they're, alright, alright. How about the whole team, eh? Yeah. Yeah. And then you turn around and somebody throws a basketball

at your face. That would be great if a dad brought the whole team for ice cream but only bought ice cream for his son. Alright, everyone watch my son eat ice cream. Don't get any ideas. Alright. Overhearts. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Greg

from Omaha calling in an overheard. Today, my wife and I were in a school. We do assemblies in schools, and we were walking to the gym with the principal, and there was a kid on his way to class, and the principal said, hey, Jacob, how was your Christmas?

Jacob responded, oh, it was great. I got a skedaddle. And the principal said, Hey, Jacob, how was your Christmas? Jacob responded, Oh, it was great. I got a skedaddle. And the principal responded, Well, that sounds like a really fun toy. A skedaddle. I got a skedaddle. Years from now when they ask him where did he get the idea for the skedaddle,

the most popular toy in America. Yeah. The principal and Jacob will be appearing soon on the road as like a vaudeville duo. What's a skedaddle? Although I do find it strange that a child is using the term, I got a skedaddle, and the principal has never heard of it. The child's being raised by his grandparents. He's an old soul.

Yeah. This is his last. He's an old soul. Yeah. This is his last pass through before his final reward. Also, if you're doing an assembly at a school and you've got to walk with the principal, that's got to be an awkward four-minute walk. Especially if you were a guy who got run over by a motorcycle. So is your face like that permanently? I think they think I'm a good adult. So is your face like that permanently? Anyway, there you go. Now, I don't remember exactly.

I didn't label these. And I kind of forgot which overheards I included. But I think that was Greg. And I think we may have an overheard from Greg's wife. Oh, sweet. Hi, guys. This is Shannon from Omaha calling in an overseen. Yesterday here in America, it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day,

and I went to the thrift store, and there was a sign that said, free at last, free at last, buy one, get one, free at last. Pretty good. It's a pretty good marketing thing. Yeah, well, I imagine they probably sold a lot of stuff. Bogo. Yeah, is that a... I'm unfamiliar up until probably this year that MLK Day was used as a sales thing?

I didn't know that. I thought it was like Remembrance Day, like you don't sell, you know, two-for-one bologna on Remembrance Day. I don't know. I think most holidays in the United States are... Sale days? Yeah, most stores are open. Except for Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day. Yeah.

But it's fine for it to be open, but do they have to incorporate it into a sale? Yeah, they have to. There's President's Day sales. Martin Luther King? Martin Luther King was never president. Why is he so special? Because he freed the squares, Dave. He freed the squares?

Ah, that's from the Simpsons. No, it's Huey Lewis. No. Yeah, Huey Lewis freed the squares. Huey Lewis Day. That's from the Simpsons. No, it's Huey Lewis. No. Yeah, Huey Lewis. Huey Lewis Day. Great sales. On new drugs. All right.

One more? New drugs, sports. What else is a Huey Lewis reference? Second time. Don't need to take a train. Power of love. The guy's got great hair. Still, to this day.

Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Ed in Chicago. I haven't overheard for you. Walking up to my local Starbucks, I hear the wailing of a young boy who is perched on his father's hip. And a friend is there, just about to say,

Hey, little Munster, how are you doing? And the father replies, I'm stinky. To which the friend says, Ha ha, well, enjoy it. And he leaves. Confusing. It's confusing.

Yeah, what happened? One guy called his kid a Munster and the other one called him Smelly? Stinky. Well, confusing. Yeah, what happened? It's crazy. One guy called his kid a monster and the other one called him smelly? Stinky. Well, no, no, no. I think there was two movements to that. The child didn't talk. Yeah. The first is that the dad acted like a baby.

Wait, did the dad call his kid a monster? Okay, no, the dad did not. A guy came up to the guy and asked the kid. Oh, man. Come on. No, seriously've asked the kid what's up little monster the kid said nothing right the dad said i'm stinky and then the guy said enjoy it enjoy so you gave the kid away to this stranger and said, enjoy it. Enjoy this kid. He's stinky. He can build shoes. You can call him stinky monster. He makes me stinky.

He's good at creating human stink. That could be mistaken for animal stink. Yeah, boy for sale. Well, thanks everybody for calling in those. We didn't end strong. But you know what? There's always next week. You can call us, 206-339-8328.

Yeah, please call us, especially if you're from Omaha. Yeah, anywhere in Nebraska. Yeah. Or the other place that we were talking about earlier. Burlington Coat Factory. Yeah, Burlington. If you work at Burlington Coat Factory, call us and just tell us about it.

Yeah, I'm curious to know what goes on in a Burlington Coat Factory. It seems like it's more of a store than a factory. I don't believe that for a second. It's called Burlington Coat Factory until I hear otherwise. I'm going to assume it's a factory. But you can't walk into a factory and buy something. You could go to Charlie Chocolate Factory.

Charlie Chocolate Factory. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Charlie Chocolate Factory. Yeah, that's the name of the place. You know the... It's a Chinese restaurant. It's a front.

Charlie Chocolate Factory. But Charlie had nothing to do with the chocolate factory. It was Willy Wonka. Oh, he murdered Willy Wonka, and Charlie was the guy who inherited it as well. Spoiler alert. Yeah, sorry.

Craig, now you've got a couple places people can find you online. Why don't you direct them? Yeah, let's wrap this show up. Yeah, let's wrap it up. First of all, thanks for being our guest. Hey, thanks for having me. This was great.

Fantastic. You can find me online at sundayservice.ca, bronxsheercomedy.com. You're on Twitter? Your podcast. They can get from iTunes. You can get from sundayservice.ca. Yeah, yeah. Twitter, millioncraigs.

At a millioncraigs is my Twitter. Very funny Twitter. Describe why that name exists. I don't get it. I imagine it like the Million Man March, But just you get a million guys named Craig together Oh wow What happened with the million Craig march Same

Just walk But for fitness Someone just started following me today Called club Craig Which I believe is like a twitter for just Craig Celebrating Craig You know what? I think that that might be a gay club. Club Craig does sound gay.

Sorry. But that's cool, man. You know, if there are a bunch of gay dudes named Craig, they all want to hang out. You know? I wonder, like, is this homophobic to say, but, like... Wait. Are you afraid of what you're about to say? Wait, are you afraid of what you're about to say?

Yes, I'm afraid of him. I don't think I could ever date another guy named Dave. Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. I can see that. That's fair. Yeah. First of all, no, I don't think that's homophobic.

No, because there's unisex names that I could apply to. Like if your name is Dana or Cameron or... Yeah, but if I was dating a dude, I wouldn't want him to have my name. I also don't think I could date Cameron Diaz. But if we got married, I'd want him to take my first name. That's what gay couples do, right? Yeah. That's why the big controversy around gay weddings.

It's like you're supposed to take the last name, but they're like, no, we're going to take first names. Yeah, I'm going to be Craig Craig. You take their first name as your last name. But it's also my first name, so I'm going to have to hyphenate it. I'm Craig Craig Craig. Craig Craig Craig. Yeah, we're really going out on a high note here. Tell us a little bit about the podcast.

Because our listeners, I don't know if you know this, but our listeners listen to podcasts. Oh, yeah. What a perfect opportunity to reach out to listeners. Go ahead. We do a podcast called The Sunday Service Presents a Beautiful Podcast. It comes out once a month. It is sketches and improv. So not as much chit-chat.

Exactly. So many podcasts are just a bunch of white people sitting around chit-chatting. Chit-chatting. Yeah. Trying to find the funny in Burlington Co. I think we found it. No, it's very funny. You've had two episodes so far.

They're very funny. Absolutely. You can search for them on iTunes or go to thesundayservice.ca. And in the matter of business, as we're saying about checking out podcasts, again, welcome to the Maximum Fun family, my brother, my brother, and me. Happy to have you.

And check them out. I'm sure we will never meet. I don't. I'm not so sure. Yeah, I wouldn't say I'm sure. I'm going on a tour of all the Burlington coat factories. I'm sure I'll run into them somewhere. And as Dave mentioned before, there are still beard paintings for sale. All proceeds going towards

my friend Claire's cancer treatments. Matt, please feel free to call back and respond to any misunderstanding we have about the beard paintings and your awful attitude. But also, we're joking. We're joking. We're totally joking.

But do call back. Dave, do you have anything that you would like to plug in the future? If you're in Canada, you should listen every Friday. Dave does the Shumka Chunk on CBC Radio 3. You know, it's not just in Canada. You can listen on the web. In fact, it's not actually on the radio at all.

Go on. Where would they find it on the web? You would find it on cbcradio3.com every Friday morning from 7 to 8 Pacific, 10 to 11 Eastern, or on Sirius Satellite. I want to say 86? Why not? Sure. Say whatever number you want.

It's free country. And do check out at Maximumfund.org the the the blog that dave updates uh every week that accompanies the show it's well worth seeing very funny let's let's um what are your predictions predictions of what i'll post on the blog today probably a picture of some guy's van yeah with a fantasy scene on it I think probably a picture of Burlington Coat Factory. Yeah, sure. Maybe a commercial for the Oak Barn.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. They'll save you money. Probably a picture of a spirit animal that you predict for yourself. Oh, yeah. You'll do something clever with spirit animal. Maybe I'll do something. Thanks for giving me homework.

Maybe I'll Photoshop a picture of me and Tilda Swinton as my spirit animal. Yeah, that would be good. That would be a good idea. That's where we go. But do check that out, MaximumFun.org. And if you enjoyed listening to the podcast, tell your friends, spread it around. And buy a t-shirt. Yeah.

MaxFunStore.com. And come on back next week for what I can only expect will be a mind-blowing episode of stop podcasting yourself life can be fun but don't get carried away you gotta do your homework and do the things that have to be taken care of I'll do it again you can do it again life can be fun but don't get carried away you gotta do the things you don't want to do

to get through the day you gotta sweep the floor you gotta shine shoes you gotta build a coast that's not a word Pick it up from wherever you want You're gone, you're gone Yep

Don't get carried away Life can be fun But don't get carried away You gotta do the things you don't wanna do To get through the day You gotta shine your shoes You gotta sweep the floor You gotta take care of the beers

And yes You gotta shine your shoes, you gotta sweep the floor You gotta take care of the business Oh, close, I'm close