Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 151 - Josh Loewen

Episode Date: February 1, 2011

Comedian and graphic designer Josh Loewen joins us to talk pizza, weddings, and punchability.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 151 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who always wanted to play in the big leagues, Mr. Dave Chumka. My boy's gonna play in the big leagues. Which one?

By which I mean my genital. Oh, come on. Or grandpa. Why do we have to start with a genital joke? Because that's the way we wrote the program. Yeah, sure. When we were sitting around spitballing in the writer's room, I think you pitched it. I pitched my genitals.

I knocked it out of the park. That's why I play in the big leagues. And our guest this week is a comedian slash graphic designer slash artist who designed our logo for our t-shirt, for sale at maximumfun.org, Mr. Josh Lowen. Hey, guys. What up? Hey, Josh.

Thanks for having me. Hey, man. And as part of the t-shirt agreement, he has won a chance to be on the show. Thanks, fellas. Yeah. Yay. We make good on our promises. It was my secret way in.

I tried the forums. It didn't work. T-shirt design is usually the way to go. Yeah, that's true. Don't tell the person who designed our first T-shirt. Whose name escapes me at this moment? Oh, it's an up-and-coming comedian, Bill Burr. He'll be on next week.

Alright, let's get to Noah. Get to Noah. So josh you're a graphic designer and you're a you're a gentleman who's uh you've been married for just over a year you said yeah and uh our our very own dave shumka he is uh as this year is going to become a married man you don't say yeah how does it feel a year in you're a young man like yeah people people see you and they don't think this guy's married no it's it's uh it's weird right huh i'm 30 it's weird to be married that young yeah you guys you're weirdos um it's not weird to be married that young but it is a little little weird pudding no it's not putting but it's becoming little... A little weird? Off-putting? No, it's not off-putting, but it's becoming more and more weird. Like, there was like...

Like, as this podcast goes on, it gets more weird. No, if, like, 50 years ago, if you were 30 and you weren't married, that would be weird. You were gay, right? Right. You were living a swinger's lifestyle.

Yeah, you were a confirmed bachelor. Tell us about your life. How is the married life? Good? Yeah, it's pretty good. You know, you're more comfortable. I plan on getting just fat. Oh, okay.

So that's my deal. No. No? No, I don't plan on getting fat. What about Abby? Is she going to get fat? Oh, yeah. Women?

Women be shopping? Yeah. So you're planning on getting fat. what are you doing to accomplish this uh your basic fat guy stuff but hanging around and fudge and hanging around you hang around enough fudge things happen um so we uh what do you do you do graphic design that's a thing that i think a lot of our listeners also do for a career um it's a career right it's not a hobby no but it's like a fake career right because very much people seem to just make it up yeah like you sell drugs or something yeah like i own a dog walking business but you just walk your own Well, it seems like every other friend of mine on Facebook either is starting an upstart photography business or is a dog walker. People need photos.

People need their dogs walked. Oh, wait, guys. Do people need photos of their dogs being walked? I feel like we're just stepping all over you, Josh. I apologize. Graphic design. What is it? It involves lots of fat dude stuff oh go on yeah hanging around fudging it uh it's actually a thing it's it's uh podcasts i think are popular with graphic

designers because uh you're kind of sitting there all day not doing anything, not listening to anything. Sitting on your duff. On your rump. So much duff sitting. Do you like I know in advertising there will be clients will be very specific

with what they want done to the point that they make terrible commercials. That's why most of the commercials on TV are terrible because of the dumb clients is that the same in graphic design yeah that's that's how exactly how it works you're an artist first and then people crush your dreams oh good consistently uh over time and then you just uh end up making shirts for podcasts for free they offer to pay you but you turn them down so what's the worst like don't without being you know specific to your job or whatever but has somebody come in and like you've done something and then they've mangled it with their uh awesome with their artistic view

well yeah it's uh it's kind of like dealing with your parents, right? Most clients are your parents' age, somewhere around there. My parents got married at 17, so my parents were pretty hip. So, you know, your parents, it's kind of like if you were designing a logo or something for your parents, or you're doing an ad for your parents, how that exchange would go, right? You would come up to them and you'd have something decent that was inspiring and neat. or you're doing an ad for your parents. Oh, okay. How that exchange would go, right? You would come up to them and you'd have something decent that was inspiring and neat, and then they would pretty much do what a parent would do. Right.

Right. They would talk about you to their friends. They would try to brag about you. I'm not actually sure what that meant. Have you ever had Coca--cola tell you to uh secretly put a naked lady in the design of their vending machine or whatever yeah people are getting oh like subliminal subliminal boners like mystery boners that they don't know why they're getting and then they buy a coke to cool things off is there a sexy lady in the Coca-Cola logo? I thought there was like a drug reference or something.

I know that in Aladdin there's the word sex appears in smoke. Do you do that? Is that what you do? That was my thing. I don't think... It wasn't Aladdin. It was the Lion King, wasn't it?

And then there was a Coca-Cola machine. I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about. It was like the picture of the can on the coca-cola machine and then there was in the like if you looked at the ice on top of it it was supposed to be a naked lady lying sideways really really rocky looking naked yeah translucent uh anyways i don't know why that was uh but do you do any of that stuff sure not much uh subliminal advertising i think you have to be good and uh rich to get into that league the big leagues sure this is no i'm actually really curious about it's like

yeah me too i i i had not considered it when you showed up and then graham said it and suddenly everything flooded in and you seem cold to the idea i'm talking about graphic design no i'm talking to the uh subliminal uh advertising and subliminal like could you how does he come up with that idea like how do you come up with that idea like how do you come up with a naked lady i mean that's pretty straightforward yeah of course that would have been the first thing i would have subliminalized naked lady and uh yeah i guess that would be about it that would be the first thing i would come up with and the last as i'd be like let's just put more naked ladies in the product uh but not you know not anything that would be inappropriate um yeah sure like a coke machine in high school or junior high um yeah i don't know there's all

sorts of there was like supposedly a thing they tried in movie theaters in the 50s but people were a lot dumber in the 50s people were a lot dumber like pre-1979 yeah and then things really then took off heated up with uh empire strikes back um so you're not only a graphic designer you're a comedian as well right you're still doing comedy right yeah of course and i only asked that not because i haven't seen you around i haven't been out i know to do do anything in the realm of comedy for weeks. I've been hunkered down. So what's going on in the comedy scene? Anything good?

Yeah. Anybody missing out? No. That's what I hear. Yeah, there's lots of good stuff. I haven't been. I'm working on an ad right now. I'm shooting an ad for a pizza company.

So I've been sort of indoors for the last month. Oh, really? Yeah. So is it Pizza 73 month. Oh, really? Yeah. So is it Pizza 73? What's Pizza 73? Yeah. Oh, it is? I've never heard of that.

Well, the Pizza 73, I remember when I was a kid because they had the catchiest phone number. It was 273-7373. Oh, really? Pizza 73. It's an Alberta thing. Oh. Yeah.

So you're really working on an ad for Pizza 73? Yeah, that's right. It's an Alberta thing. Oh. Yeah. So you're really working on an ad for Pizza 73. Yeah, that's right. That's outrageous. Oh. Wow. I just pulled that. I really just pulled that out of thin air. Did you not have Pizza 222?

No. Oh. You don't know what their number was? Go for it. 1-604-222-2222. It would have been great if there were no twos and their slogan was it's the phone number with no twos

just dial the number remember no twos it's named after our owner Jeffrey 222 it was Desmond 222 Desmond 22u's. Desmond Tutu II. There used to be this thing in Vancouver.

I don't know. You might have had it in your hometowns. Called the Talking Yellow Pages. And this was like... Maybe. People were trying to come up with a way to capitalize on touch-tone phones, which were a new invention. And so you'd call up this number. I think it was 299.

Oh, yeah. Get what you want when you want to know. Call 299-900-TYP. It's free. Talking yellow pages. And you call this number and... Oh man, that's a good slogan. And you call this number and there are...

I guess advertisers would put their ad in the regular yellow pages and they would put a four-digit code in their Yellow Pages ad. Oh, yeah. And you would call up this number and you'd call up the number to hear their ad. And I would call up Talking Yellow Pages and it would just be voicemail or whatever automated system is called.

And I would just randomly type in four-digit numbers trying to spell things. So I would type a... in four-digit numbers trying to spell things. Yeah. So I would type a... P-O-O. And that would take you to a... A pool hall. No, I would type in 2-2-2-2, and that was the one for 2-2-2 Pizza. But I remember I typed in S-E-X-X, and it was an escort agency.

And so that gave me enough resolve to try so many other ones so you you you're looking at the ad and then you call to hear the yeah and maybe they had specials on like it was the worst idea like it was um like people today don't even really know what a yellow pages is a yellow pages is is a directory of businesses in your town. It's like an atlas of phone numbers. But the thing is, is there's a new generation version of that exact same concept, where it's, there's like an ad somewhere, like either on the train or like an outdoor ad, and you shoot like you take a picture of the

little squiggle box in the corner and then it just gives you more ad on your phone. And that's supposed to be a thing that you're like awesome! Like more More ad. Yeah, so it's only a tiny step removed

from the horrible idea that was the talking yellow pages. TYP. It's free. TYP? Yeah. Yeah. Pretty young pring. Pretty young pring.

So you're shooting this pizza commercial. How many pizzas have you had to order? Zero? Okay. Oh, market testing. testing market research i get it pizzas you're doing fat guy stuff fat dude stuff yeah pizzas fudge yeah the internet yeah so uh is this a like a uh is it a cartoon commercial or why why is a graphic designer involved in Pizza 73's ad campaign? Oh my god, that's a great question.

Can you talk about it? Is this private? Are you going to lose the 73 account? Oh, I don't want you to lose the account. Let's see what happens. Well, just tell me this. Was Pizza 73 named because it was found in 1973 or because they just got the rights to the number? It was a phone number.

It was a phone number. Well, that's a load off. Have you ever worked on a commercial before, like shooting a commercial? Yeah, I worked on a few of them. Any hilarious mishaps? No. Really? I thought commercials were like...

All the commercials I ever worked on, it was like Mishap City. It was always... What did you work on? What did you do as a... What were you? Who do you think you are? I was a hand model. A spokesman.

I was a hand model spokesman. I worked for a company that made commercials in town right when I was out of film school. And it was a non-union, but it was the same company would shoot all these commercials. So every weekend, they would shoot a different commercial. And there was one, they were shooting for an American insurance company. And it was inside. And they had this like awesome set built that looked exactly like a kitchen uh and it was beautiful like they had the scenery in the

background and they the thing was at the end of the commercial an eagle flies through the window and i don't know if this was before family cat apart i don't know why they had a real eagle there, but they had a trained eagle that they brought in, and something spooked it, and it flew up to the top, to the rafters in the building and wouldn't come down. And there's no way to get an eagle down. I don't like that old saying. So we just stood there the whole day,

and the director had a meltdown, and this eagle was up there making eagle noises you were trying to record room tone an eagle doesn't give a shit about room tone so nothing like that on all the ads no pizza's a bit flying away

tell us about this because you're a graphic designer but you say you're shooting an ad. What does that mean? Yeah, I don't know. Is it video? You're shooting video? I've done some film stuff in the past.

Wow. And animation. I worked with an animation company for a while. So, you know, I have a little bit of that. And, you know. You got some animator in you? Yeah. Do you want some?

Oh! Well done, guys. guys good timing by everybody um so okay so but tell me about the pizza or you do not want to lose about the ad yeah or just talk about some pizza tell us about your favorite pizza they have heart-shaped ones. Oh, like Boston Pizza. Oh, yeah, it's almost that time of year for heart-shaped Boston pizzas. Or Pizza 73s. Yeah, or what are they called? What are the Boston pizzas called in the States?

Oh, Boston's? Boston's, for our America Lister. Boston's will have heart-shaped pizzas. Yeah, but I think they'll just have one franchise in Bellingham. Yeah, for our America Listers. Sure. That's where to go. For romance. Yeah. Get a meat lover's heart-shaped pizza and ask them for extra heart.

Did you guys hear that thing about how much... Why do we keep... I want to hear about this commercial. Okay. But I feel like he doesn't want to talk about the commercial. I feel like he does, but you're squashing his dreams. Am I wrong? No, no.

I'm half and half. It's exciting and it's fun and it's going to be super, super stupid. That's the whole thing. And it's going to be on Talking Yellow Pages. TYP. That's right. TYP sounds like something you'd say when you're out of toilet paper.

TYP. Let me get that for you. Okay, it's stupid you don't want to talk about it it's obvious you're very shy yeah but it's you know it's his business right

it's his business but what was see I had a diversion a heart-shaped pizza oh yeah the thing about how much of Taco Bell's meat is not meat or what

percentage yeah you know did you hear about this no see if you can guess what percentage of the ground beef that they use in their uh tacos and stuff is actually beef uh let me do a 75 lower do i keep guessing how much of the ground beef I buy in the store is ground beef? 100% I would hope. Oh, really? I would hope. Well, I'm just wondering what else they're putting in it. I can tell you exactly what they're putting in it.

Okay. Oats. Oh, fun. It's basically like a dough filling is the other portion of your ground beef. But it's lower than 75. 50. Lower. 40 than 75. 50. Lower. 40.

Lower. 30. A little bit higher. One. 36. 36 percent. 36 is way higher than 30. Yeah, fair enough.

But yeah, 36 percent real beef, and then the rest is oats. Oats and spices. Spicy oats. Well, spices are pretty expensive that's you know oh like you're getting your what you're not getting in beef you're getting in spices yeah yeah i understand like there were you know explorers would go around the world try to find spices yeah and now yeah that's weird beef yeah like isn't that weird that they that there was a time i mean there's a time

when people will look back and say isn't it weird that there was a time when people give a shit about gold and diamonds like they'll just think that when uh you know there was just laser things something to create like like acorns or something create the perfect laser thing or something in the future and we just passed them over you know because they were everywhere oh okay um yeah no it is strange that like like it's tea who gives a shit like you wouldn't even cross the street for tea someone was like ah this food's too bland go uh conquer a nation go conquer a nation for six years and come back with some saffron yeah some, some paprika, god damn it.

Times have changed. That's what I'm trying to say. If you want to learn more about the history of spices, watch the movie Salt. Watch the movie Spice World. And is there anything else interesting? You're working with Pizza 73. That's super exciting. What else is happening that's exciting? You're working with Pizza 73.

That's super exciting. What else is happening that's exciting? You're the new poster boy. Oh, man. Nothing, really? I've been animating this dumb commercial for a while. You know, you sit at a station, you just edit pizza stuff all damn big? I can totally... You know what I'm saying.

Identify. Well, I mean, when you say edit pizza stuff, I mean like I take little snips out of pizza and eat them. Until it's the perfect shape. Yeah. Heart. I got hired by a pizza company to turn all their round pizzas into heart pizzas by eating away that little portion. Here's a question. away that little portion here's a question is sometimes in pizza ads maybe it was an older thing but they would like they you would see the pizza and the green peppers had been sliced like

the whole pepper wise and just thrown on top of the pizza do you know what i'm talking about it was cooked yeah like it was like an outline of a whole pepper just sitting on top of the pizza do you know what i'm talking about? Instead of chopped up, it was just like they cut it like you would cut a tomato and just throw it on top. Oh, an entire... Oh, like just the middle of the pepper. Yeah. Not even the green part?

Just the white and the seeds? No, no, no. The green part, but it was like the perfect outline. They just took out the interior and just threw it on top of the pizza. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, man. I feel like a crazy person over here.

Dave, what's going on with you? Well, here's the thing. And this is not what's going on with me. But when you were saying that, it reminded me of... Simpler times. Like a puff piece that you would always see on the news or like a magazine TV show about how

they photograph food. Oh yeah. When they shoot a picture of ice cream for an ice cream box label, they don't really use ice cream because it melts too fast and you're under all these hot lights. They use Chicken McNuggets. I think for ice cream specifically, I remember they would use just lard. it melts too fast and you're under all these hot lights it's chicken mcnuggets yeah and i think

for ice cream specifically i remember they would use uh just lard just colored lard um that's where the term lard ass came from yeah sure are you sure no because i'm pretty sure if you eat regular ice cream you get fat as well and Then why would you call him a lard-ass when you call him ice cream-ass? Cream-ass. So that was a diversion that went nowhere. Here's what's going on with me. No, wait. I have said the fake food thing.

Uh-huh. Have you seen anything like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Because they would do... It was my favorite one was they would paint like a hamburger patty. And then they would have a guy come in with like, remember in Home Alone there's a hot, red hot thing that Kevin hangs on a door handle? Yeah, yes.

Yeah, whatever that thing is. What was that? What was that supposed to be? It was used for commercials when they were shooting a hamburger yeah yeah yeah well that's the exact same thing you would come in and he would make grill marks people don't know that in uh in home alone kevin's dad is a food faker he makes fake food for for commercials and also the ketchup and mustard is uh is oil paint. Ah. Yeah. And so, you know.

So they would just add fake grill marks to a hamburger? Yeah, but the hamburger would be painted brown, and then this dude comes in with this red thing and burns grill marks into it. Into the paint. Yeah, into the paint and into the burger. Gross, right? It's probably a pretty smelly day on set. Josh knows.

Yeah. Now they can just Photoshop the whole burger yeah yeah exactly they just take they take one of the old burgers from one of the old ads and move it into the new ad with photoshop yeah and they put kesha's face on it they make it into a tumblr page they should have a Kesha burger that just comes and it's got sparkles instead of sesame seeds on the bun. Yeah. But you're just like, ah, it's all over. I can't get it off my face. Like, this is a lot of sparkles.

Yeah. Edibles. Edibles. But still more food content than a Taco Bell ground beef thingy. Yeah. Yeah. And one in 40 Kesha burgers has a pair of panties in the

burger. Like zebra panties. Do you win anything if you get the one with the panties? It's like 36% panties. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So you worked all week on a fake commercial for ice cream and burgers

realsies happened to me is uh this past weekend i went to the first of its kind that's not true i went to the first one i've ever been to but we'll probably have to go to more uh wedding show oh is that where uh there's a current photo of you and uh yeah they did have a uh photo booth a photo booth and that was fun um and uh the one we went to because they they have wedding shows wedding fairs you know a few times a year at bc place the big stadium uh and they're like trade shows and you go around to all these booths and you get samples of cakes and invitations and stuff. Stay away from the hamburger stand. Those are fake.

They're just samples. Josh, when you got married... What? We didn't go to any of that. We kind of eloped. That's pretty gross. Oh, you eloped? Well, we brought our parents. Where'd you go? Salspr pretty gross. Oh, you eloped? Well, we brought our parents. Where'd you go?

Salt Spring Island. Oh, nice. SSI. Yeah, very beautiful backdrop. They make coffee. Do they have backdrops that you could buy at the wedding fair? Beautiful backdrops? I really am starting to envy Josh for eloping. Pseudo-eloping. Because this

is going to be a headache. Oh, dude. But there's this thing. I went to this wedding fair and it was like the cool hipster wedding fair. It was literally

called Indie I Do. As in independent. I don't want to be part of your wedding corporation. Indie I Do? I don't want to be part of your wedding corporation indy i do i don't want to be part of this machine put on by india re so what where was this this is at the heritage hall on main street okay so indy i do and uh okay here are some of the things that's what indiana jones girlfriend always wish she could say. Go ahead. That's pretty good. Which girlfriend? You know, the one that was in all the movies.

She could drink them under the table. But in Temple of Doom, it was someone else. Oh, I mean the one that was in the most recent one. Okay, yeah. Karen Carpenter. Is that her name? That's right, Karen Carpenter. Kathy Lee Gifford.

Go on. So, we go in. Kathy Lee Gifford. Go on. So we go in. It's $15. Oh, wow. To go into this place where people have already paid the people to set up booths. Yep. It's pretty indie. Yeah. And then we go in.

And I'm expecting there to be like tons and tons of free samples. There was like a gift bag if you got there early enough uh that you would get free stuff right but i just assumed that every table would have free stuff to give you yeah but they did not really these were actually charging you like to taste a cupcake so it wasn't like costco it was like it was the worst uh and since it was the indie I do, they had boudoir photography. Oh, wow. Did they have free samples of that? They did not. Well, they did have like a weird burlesque girl.

They'll just take a picture of your nipples. Sitting around, standing around in their old west prostitute garb. Yeah. And then there were... For your Old West prostitute themed wedding. There was only one food thing. Oh, there were some cupcake things. And then one guy just handing out

samples of barbecue. Sure. So was there anything like... Okay. Was there anything authentically like in the, about the wedding? Like, were there any things in there that were like, actually had to do with weddings? Or were these things where people were like, oh, this could be associated with a wedding? No, no, no.

It was all basically wedding things. Like there was caterers and photographers mostly photographers mostly those are those are the big things you have to but what about like a dress isn't that a thing yeah there were dresses but what were what's an indie dress i don't really know abby already knows what she's getting for a dress so we ignored that yeah she's uh i don't know what she's getting some sort of space dress yep some sort of future and then there were um uh a lot of, like, not a lot of, because there were only, like, 20 booths at this whole thing. It's a tiny room. Yeah.

There was, like, one or two green eco-wedding things. Like what? I don't know. Oh, like a turtle that walks your rings down the aisle? Yep. No, like invitations made out of bamboo. They're just done long pieces of bamboo. They're sticking out of people's mailbox.

Oh, yeah. So that was a big waste of money. But I get the feeling that this whole thing is going to be a big waste of money. Well, that's the whole you watch... I mean, you may not watch, but. Bridezilla.

Yeah, the, what is the one called? There's a Canadian one called Rich Bride, Poor Bride. Okay. And it's, they meet the couple beforehand and they kind of say, oh, what is it that you're going to do for your wedding? And then they talk about it and they show the process of the wedding and they kind of say oh what is it that you're gonna do for your wedding and then they talk about it and they show the process of the wedding and they show how much their budget was and then at the end they show by how much they went over or under their budget they've never ever on the show gone under and always over by a minimum of like five grand have

you watched 100 of the shows 100 of the shows i produced this show yeah they've never gone under i know i watched every show um but it's uh it doesn't seem like like if you went 5 000 over unless the number was zero then i was like you spent too much like 5 000 sounds like a good that's a good amount to spend on a one thing you know be a television a computer or what yeah the um uh am i right ladies photographers themselves are about five thousand dollars for the day yeah but why though i don't know like you know it's like you said all your friends are trying to start an independent photo it's so cheap to buy a really nice camera now anyone can start their own stupid company and charge me five thousand dollars i don't want i want to elope like josh i want to elope with josh

what was the eloping uh like do you have any photos of the day or did your mom or dad just take photos or what happened oh we got a photographer with there's a girl out there she was great so that was about the only thing and how much did she charge oh a few hundred bucks yeah hundred bucks you gotta get her yeah yeah no there are ones that are cheaper but like on average they're they're they're really gouging you you should just uh get one of those dog walkers to come out and put a camera a disposable camera on each dog and let them just run around the party that's indie yeah and then like you just get what whatever photos you get right probably a lot of photos of other dogs

just an album of that graham why aren't you a wedding planner i don't know i mean i'm not uh against being a wedding planner but you know i've. I mean, I'm not against being a wedding planner. But, you know, I've seen that movie with Jennifer Lopez, Made in Manhattan. You're afraid you'll fall in love with your client every time. Yeah, exactly. Because I do love love. Have you seen

Made in Manhattan? Sure. Because I'm a Ralph Fiennes completist completist oh i got that confused with what was the maid of honor that was the wedding one yeah um have you felt made of honor yeah spelled like well spelled like as if he was made out of honor yeah you said spelled and then you didn't spell it then you said exactly what we had i saying. I meant spelt. You know, like how you spell the spelt. Spelt being the grain? The grain, yeah.

And what's the... The Wedding Planner. Have you seen that? Yes. With Matthew McConaughey. She's a wedding planner who's like the world's greatest wedding planner, right? But she can't... She's an expert on love, except she herself can't find love.

Yeah, I like that. But she's an expert on love, except she herself can't find love. Yeah, I like that. Until one day she gets her heel stuck in a grate, and then a dumpster's going to hit her. Oh, yeah. And he pushes her out of the way. And Matthew McConaughey's in the dumpster. He's steering the dumpster. Matthew McConaughey's the world's premier dumpster driver. He lives in the dumpster.

He's Oscar the Grouch. There's a... I like that theme for just any kind of movie. I don't remember the theme from that movie. No, the idea of the person... Wedding planning. Na na na na na.

You just planned a wedding. It was great. You're alone. We only know the theme of Jurassic Park. But, like, a movie about somebody who's really good at something, but they can't have that thing themselves. Like, they're really good at owning a shooting range but they're really bad at shooting the gun example yeah like uh i just like that as a general thing oh that's that that is like the example for 90 of movies it's like this is this person is flawed in this way even though

they're amazing you know what i'm excited about in movies? The two Friends with Benefit films that have Well, I guess it's probably three. Because was the Anne Hathaway Jake Gyllenhaal one? Yeah, I think that was kind of like one. I didn't see it. Did you see it? No. No. Why is he married?

I don't know. Yeah, but not to a robot. So, there's, yeah, the Ashton Kutcher, don't lock the door. No strings attached. What's the next one? I think it's called Friends with Benefits. Okay. And that's Justin Timberlake.

Did you put random actors in it? Yeah, Justin Timberlake and a actors in it okay yeah justin timberlake and robot mila kunis yeah mila kunis um bastion kutcher and mila kunis in that 70s friends with benefits do you think that's the only reason they didn't pair those two up for those movies absolutely because they already and they're like oh the best friend is being played by Fez already. So that's going to be weird. He gets all the good roles. Yeah.

And how come I haven't seen more Topher Grace or Laura Prepon in movies? Well, Topher Grace, we saw him... As Venom. Yeah. And as Sid Venom. as Venom yeah and as Sid Venom

in the movie with Dennis Quaid where he was his boss oh yeah he was he was like gonna be the breakout from that movie

yeah and then it was Scar Jo who was dating the guy from Saturday Night Live or something what? Jason Sudeikis

oh is she? that's what I heard I don't know hey guys I'm not a Hollywood insider I don't know. Hey, guys, I'm not a Hollywood insider. I don't know, are you? No. No, I'm not. What are you, Stephen Kojikaru?

Is that the guy with the big face? His liver problem. Oh. Or kidney. Oh. What's the difference? Now I feel like a jerk. Maybe pancreas. Graham, what's going on with you? I almost wish you didn't ask. Oh, can I say, we referenced the theme from Jurassic Park.

And earlier, Abby and I had agreed that that would be our wedding song, that she would go down the aisle to that song. And we haven't talked about it in a while. Oh, so. But I hope she's still on board because here's the thing also was when we discussed it on the podcast many years ago i said that i would learn how to play that on clarinet and play it at your wedding and i have a clarinet and i think unless i'm mistaken i think i have the sheet music for

the jurassic park theme song do you know how to play clarinet? Oh yeah. That was the song that I knew how to play on clarinet from band class. Oh, okay. It's the only thing that really stuck. Balls in your court, Dave.

Well, your, your, um, bamboo invitation is in the mail. Um, uh, yeah,

I watched, uh, they were playing back to back Jurassic Park at the weekend, uh, one and two. Oh, okay. And so I watched it and were playing back-to-back Jurassic Park on the weekend, one and two. Oh, okay. And so I watched it back-to-back. And it's amazing how bad the sequel is compared to the first one.

There, I said it. Did you see the sequel, Josh? Pete Possilway was in it, wasn't he? Yes, he was. Yeah, he's good. He was good. Oh. Yeah, he was good.

And everybody in it were good actors but it was like why did there need to be I never saw the second one what's it about basically all you need to know is Tyrannosaurus Rex eats a dog and the dog's attached to the dog house via his collar

and that's pretty much the best scene in the movie give it a miss no not much is going on I've been spending all my time indoors and that's pretty much the best scene in the movie. Okay. Give it a miss. Give it a miss. No, not much is going on. I've been spending all my time indoors painting still with my beard. So that's taken up.

Whatever time I haven't been working, I've been doing that. I don't know social life, no going out, just painting with the beard and going to work. That's been my day and night as of late. How many paintings does that know?

I think I'm up over 20. That's too many. People weren't expecting that many when you started. Stop it. You know what? People, I shatter expectations, good and bad. But it's, stop it. Enough's enough. It's 50% joking.

Cut it up. Here's the the thing i don't know how serious you are about your art but you're one of the most successful artists uh probably working in vancouver right now yeah it's probably true you sell every painting right yeah yeah i don't have any in my house i've sold them all so and you know you didn't even have to resort to putting them in a coffee shop. Yeah, oh no. Having an art show in a store. No, exactly. But I am going to put on an actual art show of it.

Not a coffee shop, in an actual art place. That's how far I'm willing to take this kind of thing. I wish you would stop. I know, but I won't. And the more you wish, the less I'll stop. It's like fuel for my not stopping. Okay, that's a good metaphor. Yeah.

You know how fuel makes things not stop? No, I guess that's true. Fuel does make things not stop. It's just clumsy language. Oh, it is very clumsy. But you know what what the point gets across and uh oh and the other thing i was telling you on the way over is any listeners out there uh if if you really want to you know give yourself a treat the the best thing that's going on right

now on the internet slash television is american idols on now, which is horrible, but past guest and friend of the show, Paul F. Tompkins, is writing kind of reviews and recaps of every episode for New York Magazine's Culture Vulture column or section, and they are the best thing on the internet

right now. So I just want to spread the word. Yeah. So funny and accurate. So i don't even watch american idol and it's great but if you want to put yourself through the paces watch it and then be rewarded for the hilarity of the next day go ahead i would like to announce that talking yellow pages is great oh is it back yep it's better than ever. It's free. T-Y-P. Is that what it was?

P-Y-T? T-Y-P. It's free. I'm sorry. Now, we got two orders of business. Oh, we got a lot of ground to cover on this episode. Should we... Nah, this isn't filed under business.

But this is... I'll read this. This came a filed under business. But I'll read this. This came a couple weeks ago. I was talking about emceeing at a wedding, and then somebody wrote in and asked for advice last week for what should you do when you're emceeing a wedding. And we got an email from rodney d rodney d is with a story about emceeing a wedding that i thought was uh interesting and appropriate to the conversation about how it can go wrong um this is uh it says hi uh, Graham and Dave, impossible guest.

In episode number 150, you are giving advice on emceeing a wedding and the subject of toasting the bride and groom came up. Wedding toast could be a comedy goldmine on par with overheards. Well, maybe. Here's a wedding toast story. A long time ago, in the before times, 37 years ago. Yes, I am one of the old people that listens to your podcast. My best friend got married and I was the best man. At the reception, I incorporated the dreaded three rings toast in my speech.

Ah, the one I talked about. And how did it go again? I can't remember. Well, I think I figured it out a little better since I brought it up. And you're saying a marriage is like a circus. There are three rings. There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then the suffering. Mm-hmm.

So he... Classic awful joke. Yeah. He pulled out that chestnut. Uh-huh. Fast forward 11 years. My friend and his wife are now in the middle of a bad divorce battle. At one point, the former bride cites me giving the dreaded three rings toast as an underlying cause of their marital troubles.

Sure. Um, but, uh, so that just shows how bad it can go with a one off, uh, off color joke. But it's not even off color. It's just, uh, you know. Stupid. But maybe that, that story is 37 years old. Maybe he wrote that joke. Maybe it wasn't like something he found.

It certainly wasn't something he found on the internet under wedding jokes. No, but maybe he called the Talking Yellow pages under, he typed in J-O-K. It's a four-digit code. Well, I'm sorry. Joke. Yeah. My apologies. in j-o-k it's four it's a four digit code joke yeah uh my apologies um and we also have oh yes we do okay well um what did this start with we had a guy call in a guy called in we were talking about beard paintings he called in and said he couldn't find one for sale on the day he was looking and he had a bunch of money and he wanted to buy one. And for the record,

there's been many since and I don't know whether or not this gentleman has bought one or not. Yeah, but he just had this bad attitude and his voice. We said he had a punchable voice. Yeah, I think that came up. And he's called us. He's called us actually two or three times and we've...

Every time his voice just gets on our nerves. You more so than me. Oh, man. It's got his voice. I want to hear it so bad. He's got so much attitude. He thinks he's so great. What if he is great, though?

Fair enough. Oh, yeah. We compared his voice to Danny Bonaduce's face. You just can't help yourself. So he called us once again, and let's play that call. Hello, Dave and Graham. This is Matt from Oklahoma with The Attitude, and I wanted to let you know that I have started a Facebook poll

where people can decide if my face is more punchable than Danny Bonaduce. So I've emailed you guys a link and I invite everybody to join in the fun and whatnot. So also I've been gathering my friends around and asking all of them if they thought that my face or voice was punchable or if the punchability of it was off the charts. And apparently, it looks like it might be. I'd like to let the bumpers decide. So keep up the good work and have a terrific day.

I want to be perfectly clear that at no point did we say his face was punchable. Yeah, but even his have a terrific day was punchable. I think I'm so great. You know who would

really have a punchable face? Somebody with a really pillowy face. Who's got a pillow face? Somebody with a really pillowy face. Oh, man. Who's got a pillow face? I don't know. Like one of those guys, like the softy guys that are on the toilet paper. Oh, yeah. Like those guys are super punchable.

Love to punch that guy. So soft. Or like a bear. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Punch a bear in the face for me. Tell him Dave sent you. So this guy has set up a poll on facebook i guess he sent us a link to it and we will we'll put up we'll put it up on our blog but i mean he's really

just writing our hatred of his voice what if he starts his own punch his face podcast i'd listen to it yeah sure i think it's bigger than that. I think he's going to get a reality show on the Slice Network. Slice is my vice. It's going to be, it's going to follow Rich Bride, Poor Bride. It's going to be called Punchable Face. Punchable Face, Touchable Ass.

So thank you to that dude. Yeah. Yeah, we never cared about your face. No. Well, I do now. I don't want people to that dude. Yeah. Yeah, we never cared about your face. No. Well, I do now. I don't want people to punch it. Let me just say that. No, I want them to punch your voice.

I want them to punch you right in the vocal cord. Voice box. Okay, Overheards. Overheard. Overheards, a long, long running segment. Should you be a listener of the human condition, then boy, oh boy, make it your mission to go out fishing,

keep your fingers crossed, and keep wishing that you haven't overheard for us today. You can't see my hands, but I really did a great wish motion. Yeah, but we were really hoping for you to resolve that rhyme. Oh. Dishin'. Good. Oh, call us and start dishin'.

Yeah. Not bad. Mr. Josh Lone, we like to start with the guest. You know, you know the drill. You're a fan of the show. You designed our goddamn t-shirt logo. And a great logo it is, in case anybody hasn't seen it. It's like a play on the

Vancouver... And I don't think we've mentioned yet that you can buy the shirts at maxfunstore.com. We've mentioned it before, but not in this episode. Yeah, right? Get on board. Get on board. A portion of every t-shirt bought is

made of cotton. And on board. A portion of every t-shirt bought is made of cotton. Dave's really proud of himself. Josh, do you have an overheard you would like to share? I've got two. Will you start? We'll go Red Rover. That's not the word at all. We'll go around the horn.

Yeah, we'll go around the horn and we, we'll go around the horn, and we'll come back to you. All right. Yeah, I was in IGA in North Van. IGA for the uninitiated grocery store. Grocery store. International Grocery Association of IGAs. So I was in the grocery store, and there were three kind uh cheerleader types that were in there and uh pom-poms etc yeah yeah i know the type we want soup yes we do we want soup how about you

total hell cats three of them and they were all complaining and they were all saying uh arguing amongst one another they were saying uh well i don't know what he wants on his hot dog you know uh what you know him better what what is he what do you what he wants on his hot dog. You know him better. What do you think he wants on his hot dog? And the other one went, I didn't bring you here to argue about what he wants on the hot dog. We've got to get to the barbecue. And they were arguing, and I walked about three aisles over, and I heard one of them yell,

What the fuck is whole grain mustard? Keeps you regular, that's what. How much ketchup and mustard is bought by people just going to one barbecue? Oh, yeah, right. Like where it's just a little bit's going to get used. And the rest will end up in the stranger's fridge. I think it happens quite a bit. Do you think that there should be some sort of community

Like an indie mustard co-op? Sure, yeah Like a Sally Ann of kind Yeah, yeah, yeah Freagans Do you know what Freagans are? Oh, yeah Can you imagine having them already out?

Oh, man They'd steal so much stuff You'd be like, what happened to our Lee and Perrins? Seems like something they'd steal Like the bottle would still be there something they'd steal like the bottle would still be there but they'd have poured it into a like a plastic bag they keep in the uh their pocket if people don't know what freakins are they're people who they're freaky vegans they're just people who refuse to pay for food yeah what so they will go yeah but but they're like they're

not homeless bums They're people who But they're still bums 40% of all food gets wasted So we don't want to be part of the machine We're going to Indie I do Our wedding is going to be catered by a dumpster That would be great For a freaking wedding

You have all this stuff is from a dumpster And then you have little this stuff is from a dumpster and then you have little raccoons with bow ties. Well, that would be great for anywhere. Yeah, that would be pretty good. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Yeah, speaking of people who are homeless but not homeless, I was on the bus and there were these two guys who were like, they were like upwardly mobile homeless guys. I don't think

they were homeless, but they were soup kitchen types. They were talking about how they would go to they would be the people handing out food at soup kitchens. And then I think you get a little bit of money and you get a free meal.

There's no such thing, Dave. But like, so they were kind of like, I can't really explain it. Like, I don't really understand what they were, but they weren't getting handouts. They were working for it anyway. Yeah. And they were talking about all these free meals they had had and one one of them said to the other one uh hey that chicken at the church the other night was really good and the other guy goes oh the one with the chickpeas yeah leave the chickpea to the east indian

wow i don't even get it i don't know you lost me at chicken at the church because i started thinking about church's chicken um it that's a thing maybe they were talking about uh because there's a at the sikh temples there's a tradition where it's i think it's once it's once a week where they'll do a huge free dinner and anybody can line up and just have it. I went once years and years ago and it was amazing. Like it's the food is great. There's a lot of chickpeas. So maybe that was the.

We'll leave the chickpea to the East Indian. Yeah, right. The East Indian. Come on, guys. Update your parlance. There's only one kind of Indian. What are you? What are you guys dressed up like saloon prostitutes?

Graham? Yeah? Do you have an overheard? Yes, of course I do. Mine, as they often do, came courtesy of the train. There was two ladies, both from Vancouver Film School. I know this because they were wearing matching Vancouver Film School backpacks. They're everywhere.

You get when you enroll. And they were talking the entire time that I was near them, they were talking about the one girl's bangs. Should she get them cut? Should she grow them out? Should she cut them to the left or the right? And these girls, they seem like nice enough. They seem really dumb.

Like, really dumb. I'm going to guess. And no offense to any actors out there, but probably the Actors Program. Sure. But they, at one point, like, and homely girls. Sorry, I said that. But, like, homely actors, you're never gonna get hired oh come on uh what's his name uh paul giamatti yeah well that's only steve bucemi that's only because they're great actors uh well maybe these people will turn out to be great actresses uh but they were talking

name a fantastic ugly uh woman actress uh tilda Swinton. Oh, no, she's beautiful. Oh, she's beautiful inside. No, I think people think she's beautiful. Really? I don't know. No. Well, I honestly, I've never considered it. Who's that one actress with the glass eye?

I made her up. There's no actress with the glass eye. Okay, back to your word. I'll cut all this out. Anyways, they were talking the whole time about the bangs. And at the end of the train ride, she goes, I don't know, if you let them grow out a bit and swept them over, you would look exactly like Vanessa Hudgens.

Exactly. If you had a lazy eye and astigmatism, then yeah. Totally, she would. If the viewer. If the viewer had a lazy eye and astigmatism, then yeah. Totally, she would. If the viewer. If the viewer had a lazy eye and astigmatism. Lazy eye is when one eye doesn't focus as well as the other, right? I think it's when one eye takes a sojourn. Goes to discover themselves on a trip to Europe.

You're trying to put on weight, Josh. Tell us about a lazy eye. Your eyes look lazy. Have they been eating a lot of fudge? Yeah. So much fudge. The old fudge in the eye. Fudge drops.

Sure. Tilt your head back. Put those fudge drops in. Oh, man. Crying tears of fudge. You'd have so many dogs jumping on you. Sure. And they would die. They'd suck in your face. Yeah, it's true. They can't eat fudge drops in. Oh man, crying tears of fudge. You'd have so many dogs jumping on you. Sure, and they would die. Yeah, it's true. They can't eat fudge.

Well, they can lick fudge tears. They're not actual fudge. Actually, I looked it up and it takes quite a bit of chocolate to kill a dog. Oh, really? Because once Grandpa got into some chocolate and we were like, do we have to have some stomach pumps and

what are they gonna find hell yeah uh but but apparently grandpa's like 30 pounds a little less but uh he would have to eat over a pound of chocolate wow die. Which he shouldn't. No, nobody should. You shouldn't probably have a pound of chocolate on hand. Unless you're chocolatier Bernard Calabo. Yeah. I thought you were going to say Lance Toblerone.

I literally thought you were going to say Lance Toblerone. Now, Josh, I understand you have a second overheard. Oh, yeah, yeah. We were at this noisy pub, and we were all talking about our family's histories, and we're talking about our great-grandfathers, the grandfathers, where they all came from. And one guy said, oh, my great-grandfather's name was Socrates.

And everyone was like, oh, neat. And then one guy had a peculiar look on his face, and he said, what was your great-grandfather's name? Oh, he was Socrates. And he still had that look on his face and he went, your great-grandfather was named Soccer Jeans?

Oh, man. Not since Socrates has Socrates been so hilariously mispronounced. Also, that's a weird name for a great-grandfather. I assume he was Greek, and I assume he was time-traveling. Do people still name, like, it's weird that, you know, this especially happens in the Latin culture culture that people name their kids Jesus. Yeah, yeah. Do people still name their kids old-timey names like Socrates or Aristotle?

I guess Aristotle Onassis. Who would you have to be to name your kid, like, Plato? Yeah, well, I think even kind of the old-timey names like Brian or something. Is there anybody named Brian anymore? Yes. No. Like who? No, like young.

Are people today naming their kids like Brian or George or Bob? Not George, but I don't think Brian is as old. People our age are named Brian. No one our age is named George. Yeah, well, but, George or Bob. Oh, I thought Brian was in that same class. Brian's a little bit more. Brian was in my class.

Yeah, I guess there was a Brian at my school. That's true. Fred? I went to school with a guy named Fred. That's a little late. That's, like, that's an old guy name, right? Fred, Bob, George. What's another one?

Kaiser. Socrates. Socrates. an old guy name right fred bob george what's another one kaiser socrates um we also have overheard sent to us uh by listeners if you want to be somebody in that same league uh you can send your overheards to stop podcast yourself at gmail.com uh this uh first one comes from uh will s um no will s uh he lives in a building in los angeles uh with his wife uh josh you can relate to this um where we are the only people who are not crazy that's what they assume about their building uh the owner of the building is a hoarder who occupies the apartment above mine uh she shares this apartment with a roommate uh neither the owner or her roommate own a car so they call for taxis on daily basis that's funny that's a good uh screenplay thing if there's any aspiring screenwriters that would be a quirk for a character yeah sure

um lives in los ang, but can't drive. Yeah. He speaks very loudly, so we often pick up conversational jams like these. There's a whole list of them. But one of them was, cars make me agoraphobic, which is why I rent instead of buy.

So that's somebody who doesn't know what agoraphobic means. Sure. Or what cars are. And I brought you home one of those fusion drinks you like. It's like two drinks, but I only paid for one. This guy's got his

economic down. Anyone writing a screenplay, put those things in it. But like, to be a landlord, I've never heard of a landlord with a roommate. Yeah, that's true. it's usually a couple or a lonely weirdo because you get the place for free so i think you just need some buddy time yeah maybe like uh that's true well but what with xbox live you don't need that you can connect with your buddies over xbox gold um good good work dave

okay uh this one comes from brian s sorry hey brian what yeah but brian with a y not with an i so that's kind of like that's new school i don't like uh brian with a y why not he seems like a nice guy i just don't like the spelling graham i'm not i don't know him personally oh okay i haven't even heard the overheard yet fair enough well let's see let's see how you feel about him after although brian with an eye sometimes people think it's brain yeah people read it too fast because they're dumb well the people try to read too fast. Yeah, they're in a rush. In this go-go society. Like a brain singer. This is over her.

I think Brian Singer actually spells it with a Y. I might be wrong. Guys, let's all get along. This is Overheard This at the Park Today. I was there with my wife, 16-month-old. 16-month-old. There we go. Got it.

A group of four boys probably ten were in the middle of playing okay guys quick quiz how old were the boys those those old like they would give you all the math and then at the end it would be like what was the driver's name I can't operate on this person it's my husband a female doctor okay okay 16 month old 10 4 year olds or 4

10 year olds 4 oh shit yeah 4 10 year olds and the first overheard is not my favorite but the bonus overheard is great uh one of the four boys then said they should play zombie tag uh one one at a time three of the boys called out what roles they'd be playing in zombie tag boy a i'm richard nixon boy b i'm john f kennedy boy c then i'm john candy pretty good yeah wow diverse uh what variations on tag did you play as a young person i played the

uh was that lava version where everything's lava except the things uh yeah you would meet new kids and play tag with online yeah kids that you think you'd be good at playing tag with you to look at their tag profile number of people tagged number of times having been tagged is that what's actually on lava life profiles number of people had sex with i don't know i haven't been on lava life uh i've seen the commercials sounds like a really sexy place to hang out, internet-wise. I wonder if there's any online... Guys, be internet-wise.

If there's any online dating websites that have a thing for enter how many people you've had sex with. Number of dicks given, taken. Number of times doing it. Weirdest place. The butt.

But yeah, this is... Josh. The butt? Variations on tag. That was the greatest Josh the butt oh man did you have any variations on tag

oh man I don't know it's fine Graham got his I feel like I want to say that lava thing but that might be I think Patton Oswalt's got that I feel like I want to say that lava thing, but that might be... I think Patton Oswalt's got that. I feel like there was a melting one.

Oh, was it a freeze tag? It was a freeze tag, sure. I guess it's the opposite of melting. I remember something. It was a melting or some sort of freezing tag. How would melting even work? It was like an evaporation tag. Just go away.

Oh, God. All right, guys. Okay, the butt. One more. One more. This is from Andy K. Here's a conversation I overheard between two girls in the lobby of my college dorm. Girl one, where are you going?

Girl two, to the bathroom. Is that not okay college dorm. Girl one, where are you going? Girl two, to the bathroom. Is that not okay with you? Girl one, fine. You always take, like, five billion vagina years. That's pretty good. Five billion of them? I guess that's like... That's two human earth years.

So it's like a really small denomination. Yeah, they produce too many years. It's inflation. In the course of this podcast, hundreds of thousands of vagina years have gone by. Oh, thank you. Billions of vagina months and so on. Trillions and trillions of vagina months have passed. And are passing, as we discussed.

Guys, go out and live your life, because life is passing you by in the blink of a vagina year. In the blink of a vagina year. Guys, we also have overhearts that came in the form of telephones. Did you give the email address yet? I did, I did, yeah. Okay, well, stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. And if you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. It's a voicemail system.

You won't actually talk to us. Hit it. Hello, Dave and Graham. This is Andrea H. from Destin, Florida. I'm calling in with an overheard. I work at a clinic for kids with autism and developmental disabilities and was having a conversation with weekend and told her that she was turning 50 years old and she responded by saying, she will die soon. Holy shit! Oh my god.

That's very The Ring. Oh man, wow. No hesitation at all, eh? Yeah. Apparently at that school they don't teach them that 50 is the new 40. Yeah, there. It's 50 is the new death. She'll die soon.

Oh, that's very scary. We wish your mother well. Yeah, sure. Although we, you know, we sort of like the idea of a kid with cool premonitions. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. know we sort of like uh the idea of a kid with with cool premonitions yeah yeah oh yeah uh to whomever that uh whomever whoever uh that caller was if there's any more premonitions uh coming out from your work we would like to hear them all that yeah yeah hi this is allison in cincinnati i just

heard um a pretty fantastic overheard i was in the elevator at work, and there were two other girls. There was all some guys in there. And one of the girls turned to the other and said, he's just so obese. And then paused for a minute and said, I don't know what I'm going to do with a big dead monkey. So I do work in a research building at a hospital, but that was pretty fantastic.

I hope you're having a great day. Bye. Well, surely there should be, if you're working on monkeys, there should be a contingency somewhere along that if one of them dies, right? She shouldn't be figuring this out on her own time. But this monkey, I believe, is especially obese. Yeah. Oh, they might have been doing some sort of Josh Lohan fudge test.

Yeah, testing fudges. He's not getting obese enough. Josh, quick, what's your favorite type of fudge? Go. Are there types of fudge? I think there's like a clear fudge, isn't there? Yeah, Pepsi. Pepsi.

Isn't there like a corn syrup based fudge, isn't there? Yeah. Like a Pepsi. Isn't there like a corn syrup based fudge? There's, there, uh, over Christmas I went to a fudge uh, factory. It was in Banff and they had all the different, like maple fudge. They have flavors. Yeah. Yeah. They had maple fudge and then they had fudge like, like

a mint chocolate chip fudge, and just a fudgy fudge. Was the fudge factory, was it Ye Olde? Yeah, I think it might have been a Ye Olde. Oh, Ye Olde makes the best fudge. Ye Olde brand fudge factories. I wonder if there is a Ye Olde company, because you could make a killing in the nostalgia market. As soon as this podcast is done recording, we're going to check out if

yeold.com has taken it. If not, I'm buying it. If it's like a... Lost it. Well, we'll start a site of things that are just yeold. You know, butter served in a jar, right? Because it's been mixed at home.

Fudge, right? It's like acme. People already trust the name. mixed at home and fudge, right? Yeah. Aforementioned fudge. It's like acme. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People already trust the name. Because it's made all those great products for coyotes. Coyotes. Ronin stuff. Oh, good stuff.

This overheard is from your brother. Oh, really? And I didn't even know you had a brother. Oh, you did too. They've both been on the podcast. Hey, this is Graham's brother, Patrick, calling in with an overheard. I was at a movie about a week ago, and we were sitting in front of some girls that were talking quite loudly, but we couldn't really hear what they were saying through the previews

until one point where the entire theater went dead, and we just heard one of the girls say, I think Mileyrus is a great actress no disagreement here yeah it's that hannah montana who's a bad actor oh what if they got uh both nominated and were running against each other oh that would be a pretty good episode. So, yeah, if you do want to call us, it's 206-339-8328. And now we have, we got a couple more segments we want to do. Yeah.

But I think the first one we should do, we got a phone call. It's a drunk dial. Oh, yeah. And let's just play that. Yeah, let's just play a drunk dial. Should we play the theme first? We sure should. When I was a child Didn't know what a phone was I'm just kidding.

Never tasted liquor either But one day When I grew up Put two and two together Drunk-dark Telling my girlfriend to start her period Drunk-dark Telling my friend he looks like a wolfman

Drunk-dark Calling Future Shop and asking for Best Buy Drunk-dark Drunk-dark Runtels! Telling my friend he looks like a wolfman. Runtels! Calling Future Shop and asking for Best Buy. Runtels! Runtels! All right. That was great. And this guy, I don't remember him specifically, but I believe he's called us before.

From the way he talked on this phone call, I think he maybe said y'all a couple times in his previous call. And maybe we made fun of him. I have no memory of this. But he really pours on the y'alls in this one. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is David from Texas again. I was just calling you for all intended purposes. This wasn't supposed to be a drunk dive. But now I've been drinking and i remembered uh i just wanted to tell you that last night i had a dream

that um uh lance armstrong was on y'all show because i listened to your podcast uh even the ones i've heard before i listened to them as i'm falling asleep and i had a dream that for some reason y'all had Lance Armstrong, the bicycle rider from Texas, on y'all's show. And then I just downloaded y'all's new episode and I fell asleep. And I woke up about an hour and a half later and I heard my own voice and I was like, what is that? And I kind of freaked out and I was like, what is that? And, uh, I kind of freaked out and I started panicking a little bit. And then I realized it was my own overheard on, on the segment, but I hadn't actually heard it yet. So it sounded familiar and it sounded like

my voice, but I didn't know what it was cause I was really out of it. But, uh, just wanted to, uh, let you know that and, uh, hope, uh, y'all are having a good time on y'all's podcast. And I'll talk to y'all later. And long live vegetarians. I did not see that ending. I did not see that parting shot coming, but that was great. I saw it coming for miles. Seven y'alls.

Seven y'alls. I have no recollection was he um saying y'all with is that something that comes up when you're drunk do you think or do you think we've i don't know that's a good question like because some people just like uh they come out with kind of an accent or something yeah drink uh the one thing that my favorite like my favorite thing about that call was that he referred to Lance Armstrong as a bicycle rider from Texas. From Texas. Oh, you guys might know him. He's from Texas. But I was like, Lance Armstrong, famed bicycle rider.

He's known for his tricks. He's popped a wheelie or two. Great, great drunk dial. And also, if anybody here, we do recommend that you have our phone number in your phone for when you're drunk. So you don't call an ex, boyfriend or girlfriend, and you call us and lay it out. You know, 206-339-8328. We're very demure about it. We don't necessarily put every drunk dial

No we're not if you really embarrass yourself We'll listen to it but we're not going to put it on the podcast Yeah Wink at it I think I audibly winked I think it was like water suction noise But The other segment we would like to do

By popular request. Oh, yeah. Because a few weeks ago, we asked for listeners on the Maximum Fun forums to say what segments they would like us to do. And one of them was this. There's a lot of others. One of them is Graham's Dad Movie Reviews. That takes a lot. That's a lot of elbow work.

Elbow grease goes into that one. Elbow work work it's called but yeah uh this was one of the segments that people wanted we'll just play the theme you'll probably recognize it you can punch me in the belly you can call me retarded but don't get me started uh the segment is called don't get me started. The segment is called Don't Get Me Started. About things that make us all so angry. Yeah, we've got anger management issues. And our therapists, analysts, have told us to come up with a podcast segment to vent.

Our anal-ripists. Remember that show? Yeah. Dave. Yeah? How do you feel about vibration training? Oh, don't get me started. For one thing, I didn't know vibration training was a thing.

I saw this television commercial for a company that sells, like, workout gear and Stairmasters and ellipticals. And there was a guy who's a salesman in this workout store. And this lady wants a new workout. And the guy says, oh, you should try vibration training. And in the commercial, it sort of makes it seem like he's trying to sell her a sex item. Right. But he's not.

And then he demonstrates this product they have, which I don't know if you've ever seen this product before. It's built like a StairMaster, except there's no stairs. There's no treadmill. It's just a thing you stand on, and it vibrates. And your goal is to not fall over. And the guy just stands there. There's nothing to do. Like, it's the most boring workout ever.

And it appears to be the modern equivalent of those old-timey ones where you would put a big rubber belt around your thing. Oh, the old ladies? Yeah, and it would just shake you around. This is not a workout. Don't get me started. And I actually did some research on it to find out how it actually works and it worked like they came up the russians came up with it uh for cosmonauts because in space it's really hard to keep your muscle mass because there's nothing there's no uh gravity to work

against uh and so uh but we're on the planet earth and you're not gonna go and pay three thousand dollars for a thing that just shivers under your feet while you do a crossword puzzle. It's the worst. Don't get me started. Sorry, I did. Sounds like earthquake training. It is. It should be.

Did you see the earthquake training this week? I heard there was going to be earthquake training this week, but did it happen? I don't know. I missed it. Because I only watch the news with the sound off. I just like to have something. I get up really early in the morning, and I like to have just the light from the television in the room.

It's still dark out when I wake up in the morning. So I just like to turn the TV on. it's still dark out when I wake up in the morning. Yeah. So I just like to turn the TV on. And there were two news stories that were like three days long on the local news. And one was earthquake training. And the other was... Welcome home, Donna Freeze.

No, dogs. Dogs that, you know, help blind people. Oh, during earthquakes? No, they weren't related. Oh, wow. I'm sorry i got you started that would be a really specific dog yeah the best shaky shaky legs yeah just take a nap until there's an earthquake dog uh uh so oh do i need to get you started? Well, don't. Hey, Josh, what are your thoughts on decals? Oh, my God. Don't get me started on decals.

I was in Calgary a month ago. I saw a dude with a great big truck. You know, the trucks they have. They're huge. He had nuts. You know how you have a trucks they have. They're huge. He had like nuts. You know how you have a scrotum hanging off the back of your... Truck nuts. Truck nuts.

Who doesn't love a good truck nut? And he had this huge deckle on the side of his truck. And it was... There was a big cross. So it was like a Christian themed thing. And there was a cowboy kneeling in front of it, and his horse beside it, beside him kneeling at the cross. I don't know what angered me about it so much. Maybe it's because, I don't know, horses can't be Christian.

Maybe that's what really struck to the core. Maybe that's what really struck to the core. But, man, why would you want to broadcast that message on your truck with nuts? The whole package just set me off. Don't get you started. Sorry. Yeah, wow. He really got started over there.

Oh, I feel so started. Grant, you know what that reminds me of is Adam Sandler. Oh, I wish you had not got me started on Adam Sandler. Here's the thing about Adam Sandler is recently he's making another piece of shit film. But he's rich enough to not have to anymore. And I know that he has the ability to make a decent film as evidenced by a punch drunk, and by the first half of Funny People. So he's got the ability to do something meaningful and funny and touching, and yet he continually returns to making the shittiest, the blandest, most boring, predictable movies,

and you're giving Jennifer Aniston another movie to be in, which makes me most mad of all. Don't get me started on Adam Sandler. Yeah, speaking of people who don't need the money. It's just, you know, guys, like, come on. Jim Carrey's doing some risky stuff, you know? Everyone is making fun of this Adam Sandler movie.

Because it's the worst. But it's not. It seems okay. Nah, it's garbage. He plays a guy who wears a wedding ring because wedding rings attract women. Is that true, married men? I wouldn't know either way. Oh, a guy who wears a wedding ring because wedding rings attract women. Is that true, married man? I wouldn't know either way. Oh, do you not wear a wedding ring? Well, yeah, but the attention is what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, because I'm looking at the wrong hand. Isn't the wedding ring the left hand? Oh, it's the left hand. Okay, so you do wear a wedding ring. Yeah, yeah. What's the premise? Is that married guys are more attractive?

But he's not married. He just wears a ring. Because there is that sort of feeling among the Maxim reader that wearing a wedding ring will attract And that Olivia Munn's crotch will attract a Maxim buyer.

Sure. Or like walking around with a baby will crotch will attract a Maxim buyer sure or like you know having a walk walking around with a baby will bring women to you which it will like more than a piece of silver around your finger especially if the silver is a molded piece of foil that you've taken from sure you know from the dinner leftovers you know that only seems to happen in movies where the dinner leftovers are You know, that only seems to happen in movies where the dinner leftovers are shaped like

a duck or a swan. That never happens in my life. They just give you a paper box. Yeah. With on the side that says check out what is it? Just Between Us or whatever the crappy name of that

Adam Sandler. What is the Adam Sandler? Keep it going. I have no idea what it's called. Just go with it. Run with it. Anyways. I actually don't think that's that bad of an idea of a movie.

It's not that bad of an idea of a movie, but Adam Sandler could do... He's got more money than him and his family, like his kids and his kids' kids and his kids' kids' kids will ever be able to spend. He's got really slutty kids. But he could really experiment. He could go and do some risky shit like a guy like Jim Carrey who's doing now. He's in I Love You Philip Morris.

He's trying out different things. And Adam Sandler just keeps making the same boring shit. And it's really disappointing. You think he has it in him right now? Yeah, I do. Because funny people showed that he can do something different and new. And he can keep doing that. But he chooses to keep going back to these safe grown-ups or whatever.

These safe boring roles. The movies that he made fun of in Funny People. Yeah. I thought it was called Funky People. Am I wrong about that? Well, you're not wrong about that being a great possibility as a movie. Oh, yeah, sure. Who's in that movie?

George Clinton? Snoop Dogg plays the president in Funky People. Why is he the president? We're thinking of two different movies. In Funny People, no one was the president? We're thinking of two different movies. In Funny People, no one was the president. Aziz Ansari wasn't the president. No, no, I'm thinking of a political

thriller called Funky People. Do we want to move on to... Wrapping it up? Yeah, taking care of business. Oh, do we want to play the business thing? Yeah, you got to. Life can be fun. Don't get carried carried away you gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day you gotta shine your shoes you gotta sweep the floor you gotta clean your

house you gotta do some more take care of beers in the house uh what business needs taken care of uh well of course, Josh is here. Yeah, Josh is here. Let's promote our t-shirt designed by Josh. Designed by Josh and graciously redesigned so that it would fit the particular t-shirt format. You redesigned it color-wise. Because at first you did it for shorts. Yeah, board shorts.

To be honest, I was worried that your faces were going to show up on the nipples. Yeah, I know. That was one of the directions you gave to the printers. It's like, make sure the heads are above the nipples. Yeah. Bold. That's smart. Though that's something only a graphic designer would know to think of in advance.

Because I just, I don't think about nipples. I mean, I do. But you know what I mean. I don't think about nipples i mean i do but you know what i mean i don't think about them logistically do you know how many nipples we need we would need what kinds of nipples right yeah we take five billion vagina years um uh so josh um you you are a graphic artist is there anywhere online that people can go and see some of your work no really no well you there is one place uh max fun store.com that's where you can see one of his uh fine pieces of work for sale and you get one of our shirts yeah you're a very funny gentleman on twitter mm-hmm what's your what's your twitter name josh tastic josh

tastic so that's a So that's a thing? That's a thing, sure. You're too modest, I think, for this plugging segment. Is there anywhere else online that you are? Look up for a hot pizza ad coming to YouTube. Pizza 73. Oh, it's going to be... We will post it when it comes out.

Absolutely. I cannot wait to see it. Dave, do you have anything you want to plug? Oh, this week on CBCRadio3.com, normally I host shows on Friday morning for an hour, but this week I will be hosting shows. I think this episode will be out too late for the first show I'm hosting, but I will be hosting shows from 1,

and sorry, from 11 a. 11am to 2pm pacific Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week mostly music but you'll get to hear my voice I will say some things between music it'll be great you're at work, you're listening to things

why not listen to some Canadian independent music yeah and then go to an indie wedding pick out your song go to an indie wedding. Yeah, sure. I do. Pick out your song list for your indie wedding. Yeah.

You've got to pick some Dan Mangan for your wedding. And also, we will be appearing at Max Funcon. I don't think we need to mention that, but I will anyway. Yeah. I think the tickets are sold. Oh, they're all sold. It's completely sold out. Well, we'll see you there, whoever bought tickets.

Also, you should check out every week MaximumFun.org. Dave does a recap blog. Images and videos that accompany the podcast. Well, what do you think will make it? Probably something about Pizza 73, I would hope. Oh, yeah, or Talking Yellow Pages. Something from that era. well what do you think will make it probably something about pizza 73 oh yeah or talking

yellow pages something from that era um fudge factories yeah maybe a fudge factory so certainly something with fudge um and uh also despite dave's hatred of it i'm still selling beard paintings online for the benefit of my friend claire's cancer treatments well now i can't yeah now you can't make fun of it. But they will be online if you go on eBay and just type in Graham Clark beard painting. They're all going to be there. How many will you have up this week?

Probably by the time this is out, I'll have a couple up. I'll have at least two up, maybe three. Can you describe them? Well, the one that I'm putting up tomorrow is another octopus one. Close-up. A close-up of an octopus. I'm really obsessed with octopuses right now. Or octopi. I think it's pusses.

Oh, yeah. Let's all get some octopuses. That's what we're doing after the show, right, guys? We're going to get some octopuses? Yeah, we're going to get 500 octopuses a year. 5 billion octopuses. So usually a painter will move into, if he breaks through and he's just getting bored with it, you go and do other mediums.

Yeah. I think the plural of that is media. Or octopuses. Yeah, media. So another octopi of art that you could get into drawing. Yeah. With your beard. With my beard? Oh, sure. Beard sculptures. Yeah, beard sculptures. I like

the sound of that. Of beards. Very meta. That would take so long to sculpt something with your beard. Yeah. Worth it, though. It depends on what you're sculpting. But you can't use your chin. You can only use your beard. And so you would basically have to flake away at the clay.

It would dry by the time you're done. My beard would probably dry in it. You're carrying around this weird octopus in your beard. You write casts of your beard. That's what the song Octopus's Garden was based on. And then you'd have to put them in a kiln and fire them. Yeah. That's a Scottish thing that I don't own.

Step into my kiln. You're fired. So, yeah. There's that. And you can call us, as we said before, as 206-339- 8328, or write to us at

stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com. Thanks for being our guest, Josh. Oh, my pleasure, Phil. That was fantastic. Oh yeah, and if you're on the Maximum Fun boards, Josh is a long-time member. You can find him. He's a member known as The Groinery Nice

and thanks so much everybody for listening and we were in the Toronto Metro this week so welcome five new listeners who decided to download the podcast welcome to the podcast and join us here next week for another enthralling fudge based episode

of Stop Podcasting Yourself.