Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 152 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: February 8, 2011

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk about jail, wine, and the Amish.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 152 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who runs the most successful Scared Straight program in all of the country, Mr. Dave Shumka. I can't wait till we get to talk about Scared Straight. And our guest today, a very nice young man, a repeat guest on the program,

and somebody who was kind enough to join us at the very last minute when another guest bailed on us. He shall remain nameless and banned for life. But a very funny man, and we're very glad to have him back, Mr. Ivan Decker. Ah, hello. Hello, how are you? Thank you for having me no well thank you you're we owe you the thanks yes not the other way around i i appreciate every time i come down here i have a great time and uh it's always a pleasure to hang out all right we're gonna scare you straight oh i can't wait should we get to scare us

get to know us the reason for all this uh scared straight talk is we were watching a show called scared beyond scared oh beyond scared yeah scared beyond regular regular scared straight was not good enough um and uh it's i guess they take i don't know is it a school program or is it illegal apparently it is run by inmates. It's idiotic. According to the show's description, it's an inmate-run program. They go on Facebook and they find people who are commenting too much. Do you find yourself not scared enough? And then if you click the like box, two guys show up at your house.

So we were watching it and they explained to the the new kids the new recruits the new kids on the new class it was a it was a celebrity episode especially now that that one of them came out of the closet oh yeah and then also isn't uh donnie walberg isn't he kind of a badass isn't he oh yeah he's dangerous i think he set a fire in a in a hotel once you can say in a hospital i was gonna say hospital he set a fire in a in a hospital in an hotel as it's known in french a god's hospital god's hotel that's what a hospital is called. It's called God's Hotel. Probably doesn't need to go to the hospital. Or the hotel.

So they told these newbies that they were called, that the nickname for them was hams. Yeah. Which was hot. Ass. Mass. Yeah. And then we came up with a term called hamph,

which was hot ass masturbation fantasy, which is what they probably all would become yeah um well the weird thing about i had no part in the hamph oh no but you repeated it though you enjoyed it sure i like a good hamph here and there but the weird thing about ham was that uh that it was something that the prisoners had come up with. It was clearly lingo around prison. You guys, you know what we call guys like you? Ham. You know what that means?

You're hot-ass messes. And that means you're about nothing. And it's the weirdest explanation for it. What do you step up from ham to? What's the most? You step up to the streets. Step up 3D. You step up from ham, too. Like, where's the most? You step up to the streets. But it was... Step up 3D.

It was the worst, like... Like, that's not a term outside of that prison. That hasn't made it to other prisons. I think they talk, the inmates. They have, like, this program where they can... Well, how could they? The inmate exchange program. Do you think the inmates on that television show

get fan mail from other inmates i really liked when you yelled at that girl told her to pick up her tray because that's all inmates have time to do is write fan mail to people they see on tv it was weird that they had a girl at the guy's prison yeah they had teens and like one of them yeah because she looked like she was pretty horny the whole time like she was really enjoying the whole thing i didn't see that i didn't notice that about the scene where she went to the weight room she just watched guys just sweating the whole time she keeps patting her brow she's like i know i'm straight i'm scared of how straight i am right now yeah how would you like to shower in a gang oh goodness i was surprised that the men in prison were controlling themselves around dangerous 16-year-old girls.

Yeah. Like, what's going to happen to them? They're going to go to prison? No, but nobody... They're literally in jail and she's jailbait. They're on death row. Like, they can't punish them anymore. But it's a social status thing.

Nobody in there wants to be known as the guy who had sex with a ham there's an american pie movie sequel oh man so ivan let's get to know you you've been to prison yeah you just got yeah you said you've been to prison i while we were watching that yeah no well it's not actually like i was in a holding cell when i was a kid how old of a kid were you because you're still kind of a kid yeah i was i guess 17 maybe we went to this uh like a couple friends and i were hanging out in the town i grew up in latin or british columbia and there was this house that was like uh under construction and we went into the house and we were just kind of like hanging around in there and then a friend of

mine kicked this paint can that was empty and i immediately was like okay we gotta get out of here someone obviously heard that uh and they were nah, let's just stay around and do drugs. So then... So you did heroin. So we... That was the first time I did crystal meth. Yeah. That was the first time I got my rig out.

And shot up. My rig! Ah, good terminology. Yeah, my first rig. That was where it was. You did horse. A bunch of horses. MDMA. It was a weird place to do it. I got my first rig. That was where it was. You did horse? A bunch of horses? MDMA.

It was a weird place to do it. I injected eight horses. And down the stretch they come. One of my friends convinced me, was trying to convince me that it was okay to do some weird pill once. And I was like, I'm not going to take a random pill. And his argument was like, what? It's just horse tranquilizer. It only tranquilizes horses.

So these are the people that I was hanging out with at the time. And then we spoke to Joy in the house, and then afterwards we walked down the stairs and there was a police officer in the house with a flashlight that's like, hey, we're the cops and you're arrested.

I'm paraphrasing. We got a call about a paint can being kicked around. Yeah, well, because apparently the problem had been the house that was under construction was owned by a member of the police. And it was built on a

ancient Indian paragraph. It was haunted. And apparently other people had been going in and vandalizing punching the drywall and stuff and breaking it and so we weren't doing any of that but they just assumed we knew it was you

we didn't do it I don't think I would go to an abandoned house smash up the drywall and then go back the next night now was it an abandoned house or a house that drywall, and then go back the next night. Now, was it an abandoned house or a house that was being built? A house that was being built, but nobody was living in it yet because it was very... But it hadn't been abandoned. Yeah, no. Did I say abandoned?

Yeah. Okay. I just want to be clear on... That was a different story. You don't expect people to live in a house the moment they pour the foundation, do you? They live there and they abandon it. They're like, we should come back when it's done. We were squatting

I guess I would have been really impressed if you guys were smoking a joint in like a haunted house sure yeah but it was like we went in and there was no doors on the house but they still arrested us for breaking you just entered you didn't break nothing yeah we didn't break anything

well I don't know this paint can who knows what it did but then they took us to they took us to... They took us down to the Delta police station. And we were... They put all four of us in a holding cell. He said the Delta Hotel. They took us to the Delta Hotel.

Named after Delta Bert. They treat them really nicely in South Delta. But they... Yeah, basically we were just there. And they're like, I didn't even care at all because i had i don't even care i had a discman at the time with music on it and i just put they didn't take it away so i just like i had headphones and i was just sitting there like all right and then my friends were all like freaking out i guess my because they were on horse tranquilizers and i i guess there was a horse in there with them and it was doing heroin

but it snuck in some or as a horse calls it human yeah it took up a lot of space you would think that they would have not put all four of us in there with a horse given that it was such a small heroin in one of its four stomachs yeah that's a cow. That horse kicked over so many paint cans. That's what horses do. It was kicking the drywall, too, actually. They didn't realize it was horse-shaped. Like a hoof. They were like, let me see your shoes.

And I was like, I swear they're not. Which one of you is wearing horse shoes? And then the horse just taps two times for not me. The horse was in a burglar mask on, and it was like really well hidden behind a lot of things. How did you get out of prison? Did you break up? No, no, no.

Our parents came and picked us up. But we were there for a good like three or four hours. I knew my mom would understand because my mom's kind of cool that way. I knew I could explain it like, look, we weren't doing anything wrong. We just went to this house, and we were just hanging out in there we didn't break anything we were just kind of exploring i guess was sort of the main idea and your bodies each other's bodies you know it's like you still even though you're like a teenager you still have that like sort of juvenile desire to be like i want to be in this place that's cool. I've never, you know.

Just because, even though you're a teenager, I think only because you're a teenager you want to be in the place that's cool. Yeah, I mean, because, like, kids have it too, but, like, you try not to behave, like, kiddish. Like, I know, like, even when I was a teenager, I was like, I still like Lego, because that's, like, a thing that I would like as a kid.

Were you hoping to find Lego in the house? Well, yeah. The house was made of Lego. Yeah, sure. Well, who could resist?'s why we're practically because i wanted the pieces that were behind it they were begging people to come in if they were making a house out of lego oh man they were just they went to ballroom it was made most of it was made of cotton candy it was i don't know why they didn't have a fence uh yeah i've never i've never uh never been in a holding cell or anything i've i've uh i i said i never bailed out anybody but i did go pick up a friend from the drunk tank so that's the one time that i've like been in that arena but that's it like i never

i'm like my prison my prison stories are lacking because I feel like I don't have any, you know? I didn't perform in any. I never got shanked. I never shanked anybody. A lot of regret. You never made a shiv? I've made it. Like, you have an old toothbrush.

You're not going to throw it away. So you just, like, shiv, make it a shiv. Oh, no, I throw them away. See? You've got to shiv them first. You've got to keep them to, you know, you might need to clean grout later. Yeah, that's true. Grout.

I have an extra whitening toothpaste. You know you can. Grout. I have an extra whitening toothpaste. You know you can boil... What? You have an extra whitening toothbrush? Yeah, they make whitening brushes. They just have bits of rubber in there. No, I have ones with bits of rubber on them. Those are just to make it squeaky. Squeaky?

Squeaks when you brush your teeth? So when you brush your teeth, it sounds like guys playing basketball. Sounds like a Reebok commercial. If you boil a toothbrush, all the bristles will fall out, and then you can make it into a wristband. That I learned in high school. While you were hanging out in abandoned houses, I was making jewelry. Yeah.

So you make it into a... The bristles fall out how? Well, if you put just a plastic, like a simple toothbrush, not one of the ones with rubber on it and stuff, but one that the dentist gives you that's just like the plastic. Boring. The old oral bee. The dentist gives you the worst brushes. With the weird rubber pick on the end?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you put that, if you boil that then it expands and all the bristles just will fall out what if you're someone who has really hot saliva hot teeth yeah like did do you have to replace your toothbrush every day fire yeah oh if you're a dragon no or a dolphin from street fighter they the fire burns the plaque off your teeth so you're fine don't worry about that. That's true. And then while it's hot, you bend it into a...

Yeah, you just bend it into a wrist shape, and then you let it cool, and then boom. A wrist shape or a circle? How do you get it off your wrist? Is it just all the way forever? Oh, it's flexible. Like, you know, a toothbrush has got a lot of bend to it, guys. Really? I don't know if you know, they're not super solid.

They're bendable plastic. But they make shivs out of them. They must be a little bit solid. Yeah, I mean... Yeah. Well, the prison ones are different. Prison toothbrushes are made of old knives. Which is why it's so easy to make a shiv out of them.

They don't make... I don't give them oral B1s in prison. They don't trust me with those. They just put a bunch of horse hair on the end of a knife. No, they're more like the things that you scrape your barbecue with. Those things? Yeah. That's what a prison toothbrush is like.

Because all those guys wear grills. Pretty good. You can keep your grill clean. Yeah, that was pretty good. Steel wool. So you haven't been in prison. What else has been going on? Yeah, a lot of stuff happened since I was here last.

I had a good year of... I went to the States more last year than I have been. And that's a good thing? I went to Seattle last summer for the Penny Arcade Expo, which is sort of like Comic-Con. Full explanation. It's like Comic-Con, but for video games. So they have a lot of video games that are coming out.

A friend of mine is a very hardcore video game player. Gamer. Gamer, yes, what they prefer to be called. Like the movie Gamer. Yep, with Gerard Butler. Very, I don't know if it was good. Gerard Butler, Gerard Depardieu. Gamer, you control another human.

Is that what it is? Yeah, I think that's the plot. It's like you're playing Counter-Strike, but you don't... I don't know if they knew or if they didn't know. Gerard Butler plays a Scottish guy who has an unconvincing American accent. Yes, exactly. And abs of steel. But weren't there... There was another movie like that where it was like,

the game is... You're playing the game, but the game is real. And it's actually killing people. Lawnmower Man? Is that what Lawn think that's a lawnmower man you're not thinking of the game are you there was uh what's the game with michael douglas no no no like all those keys that was a good scene they were playing like that movie with the keys what was it a key party yeah i don't remember that i think it's in the glove box or something he's trying to find the right key i don't remember that i think it's in the glove box or something he's trying to find the right key i don't remember that scene specifically a whole bunch of keys but i remember a lot of people didn't like that movie because there were a lot of cop-outs in it but it was all part of the

game yeah right yeah yeah i thought it was suspenseful oh i liked it a lot i don't remember the key scene your favorite scene a lot It was the key scene of the movie. That was the worst pun. Well, I like the... It's no worse than the brushes on the grills. I should have made a Bear Grills joke. PAX was fun. It was good. It was sort of cool to see.

I've never been to any sort of convention like that. What did you call it? PAX. Penny Arcade Expo. Penny Arcade Expo. Penny Arcade Expo. It's like the ham expo that we're going to. Ham.

You guys are going to change the world there. You're like, all right, out with the ham, in with the ham. You're going to have a booth. Everybody's going to be like,

I like this. So what was, like at a comic convention, you've got people There's a bunch of nerds, but I bet a video game convention is cool. Well, actually,

that was part of the, one of the good things that i overheard there a lot was uh people walking around because like there's a couple different types of gamers that would go there is there like there's the hardcore gamers who are they just embrace it like they're not they don't do their hair they don't care they embrace it like their pants can't embrace them yeah exactly and they just they love it and they're happy and good for them but then there was also these guys who are like tight t-shirts and they were and they're walking around at this expo for people who play video games basically nerds and they're walking around like oh i can't believe there's so many nerds here i'm like you're one of them was there any i feel like everyone's t-shirt must have been tight.

That's what I was going to say. Just because a t-shirt's tight does not indicate the type of individual. Yeah, that's true. They were muscular. No, there's a lot of very thin nerds as well. Video game nerds, their hands are busy playing games, so they don't actually eat much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As opposed to your Star Trek nerd who can eat while they watch.

No, here's a question. But a video game nerd will indulge in an energy drink to stay up all night. Yes. That's why they look like mechanics. A surge. A monster. A red rain. A rock star. A red rain rock star.

Was there anybody, like a really old person at the expo, who thought it was really about Penny Arcade? Yeah. He was there. He had a booth for Pong. What is about Penny Arcade. Yeah. He was there. He had a booth for Pong. What is a Penny Arcade? Well, Penny Arcades used to be, before video arcades, Penny Arcades were like, they were all like these old-timey machines.

There was like the one where you'd put a coin in, and there was a thing pushing coins to the edge of the, you know. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they have it at the fair, but with loonies now. Yeah, so that's what the type of game that would be in a penny arcade. Yeah, you would play a weird mahjong, or one of those weird Japanese ball bouncing everywhere games, or you would see a flea circus. Yeah, exactly.

You would see or become a part of a flea circus yeah yeah exactly you would be you would see or become a part of a flea circus you would have a mustache with wax in it but uh what so like out of uh comic-con or whatever people dressed up in costumes there were some great great costumes uh really at packs at packs and video games people dressed up as Mario Brothers. Mario Brothers was common. There was some terrible Mario Brothers, but there were also some great ones. There was just a janitor there, an old Italian janitor everybody kept making fun of. They were like, he got such a great Mario Brothers.

Where's Luigi? He's like, I don't know what you're talking about. My name's Luigi. He's my cousin Warrior He's not a bad seed And he eats a giant mushroom He eats a giant peach He picked one of the flowers

And then he shot fire At a couple people What's the turtle doing here? Let me just slide that along the floor I gave him part of my raccoon costume and he flew away. Other Mario things. Yeah.

Oh, the princess. And question mark box was his mop thing. And Koopa Troopa. Toad. And what kind of celebrities would be there? Because that's the other thing. Actually, one of the celebrities uh who we met we actually there was a guy who his name is justin wong and he is oh he's like the big famous

he's a street fighter he's the he's the best street fighter player in okay i thought north america yeah not actual fighting uh fighting with characters uh what if a guy showed up there i heard the best street fighter is here and I want to kill him. With my street fighting. What's your style? I fight through Chun-Li. What's your blood type? So he was there. It was actually

kind of cool. It was a huge lineup for people to play a match. You could play a match against him. And if you won a match, you would get a t-shirt. Actually, on the first day, all you had to do was play against him and you'd get a t-shirt. And then on the second day, they were like, you've got to win a match to get the t-shirt. But I played against him on the first day and got the t-shirt. So for the rest of the weekend, I was walking around with the t-shirt and people were like,

oh, that guy must have beat Justin Wong. I mean, I got annihilated. Did you assume people thought that about you or did anyone actually come up to you? I just assumed it. Nobody actually came up to me. Well, the non-stop blowjobs were pretty good. Yeah were pretty good i thought that would be the reward if you beat him yeah i didn't really know because like my friend is very good at street fighter and like i play with him occasionally uh online but like it's a huge thing like they have this thing in las vegas every year which

is actually an international street fighter tournament where people come in and they play Street Fighter. The ISFT. Yeah. It's called, what's it called? I forget. Evo. Seems like it was ripped off by a certain The Wizard movie. Sure, yeah. Find that warp whistle.

Wow. So, I have a question about Street Fighter. i have so many questions is it street fighter two still there was there there was that was a thing at evo they do a thing where they play a whole bunch of them they play street fighter 2 which is like there's a thing called hd remix which is basically a re-release street fighter 2 yeah there's that but then no they may they mainly play street fighter 4 which is street fighter 4 super street fighter 4 actually and how is that different from Street Fighter 2?

Is it three-dimensional? It's still two-dimensional. I mean, obviously the graphics are better. There's like newer moves that you can do now. Okay. Focus attack dash cancel. Stop it. That's a thing. I know terms like that because of my

friends. And then, was that guy Mr. Wong, was he the most... Mr. Wong! I don't think anybody calls him that. Well, when you're that good at Street Fighter, they call you Mr. Wong. His sponsor was Mr. Big. Was there any... That was the t-shirt you got.

It just said Mr. Big. It had no indication that you played Street Fighter at all. No, not at all. They were like, have you got a Mr. Big t-shirt? indication that you played street fighter at all not at all like if you got a mr big t-shirt and then the back it said mr wong it said mr big on the front and then an arrow pointing down saying but not this one yeah yeah i said wong um mr big there was actually a picture that said mr wong or said mr wong and it pointed to your crotch and it was very confusing he was like really upset when they were like, this is the t-shirt people are going to use. Really? I don't know if that is that flattering for me.

I'm with Mr. Wong. Okay. So was he the most famous guy there? Or was the guy from King of Kong there? Like who else is famous in video game world? At a convention, do you just play the games? Oh, were there autographs, the things where you got to meet? There were some where you got to meet, like, the developer.

You got to meet Link. They announced. Yeah, I mean, some of them, yeah, they had models come in, like, girls, and you could play, like, Need for Speed, and then afterwards there would be, like, these two girls dressed up as cops that were obviously models that they hired. You can get your picture taken with these girls. And I remember I played it.

And then I walked. They were like, get your picture with them. I'm like, nah, it's OK. And they're like, really? And I was like, yeah, I don't care. Wow. I'm the coolest guy here. Yeah.

I was like, look at all these nerds. Yeah, look at my Mr. Wong shirt. I'm with Mr. Wong. I don't need a picture with you. There was a picture series that showed up online that was from some sci-fi convention where it was all the actors from Serenity? Is that a thing? Yeah, that's a thing.

I don't know if that's what it was, but it was the whole cast of a very popular sci-fi show. And all the people who had their pictures taken with these people. And it's just a very odd assortment of people. But the one thing that I thought that was very strange was one of the actresses showed up in a sleeveless top. And the whole day, she must have like people were going to be putting their hands on her arm that seems like a huge miscalculation on her part right sleeves if you're going to be doing a whole day of photos yeah her arm must have been covered in uh orange

cheesy dust these are our listeners probably I mean I know I don't mean to badmouth our listeners I love our listeners but a lot of them occupy this world somebody's on a bus right now just throwing his cheesies down like god damn it Dave you know me to a T if any of the cast

that show that I said is listening it's not Serenity though that's the same thing one was a movie and one was a TV show If any of the cast of that show that I said is listening... It's not Serenity, though. It's Firefly? That's the same thing. One was a movie and one was a TV show. But I saw what you're talking about. What's the one, the Canadian guy? Nathan Fillion?

Okay, it might have been. Yeah, he was one of the guys. Okay, because I've seen a bunch of those with the people from Star Trek. No, yeah, this is... The Next Generation. The girl, she's got short hair, she's on that show V. She was also on this. V for Vendetta?

No, just V. Did I say for Vendetta? I don't know, I thought you were shortening it. Is there any other V that we care about, Graham? I can think of one. Vangelis, the composer. Does it rhyme with V-smard? Is it Vangelis or Vangelis?

Vangelis. He did Chariots of Fire and Blade Runner. I'm a Blade Runner. He didn't write the lyrics. Is that what they call movie lines? Lyrics now? Yep. He wrote the lyrics for Blade Runner.

So, Dave, what's going on with you? Well, I've gone out to dinner a few times lately. Yeah, it seems like you've really been hitting the town. I really like... Dine Out Vancouver is happening. Dine Out Vancouver is happening right now. Is seems like you've really been hitting the town. I really like... Dine Out Vancouver is happening right now. Dine Out Vancouver is happening right now. Is that what you've been doing? Yeah.

Oh, yummy. You're like Regis Philbin when he recaps his... We were at this great restaurant last night. Did you say Philbin? Yeah, isn't it Philbin? Philbin. What is it? Philbin? Philbin.

Oh, Philbin. I thought it was Philbin. Apparently. Oh, Philbin. Oh, Filbin. I thought it was Filbmin. Apparently. Oh, Filbin. Okay, go on. Well, let me fill you in on this. Yeah. You and Joy were at a restaurant last night.

Yeah, me and Joy Bear. Joy Bear. No, he has a nickname for Joy. I forget what it is. Jibé. It's is. Jemay. It's probably not Jemay. Go on. I require silence.

Dino Vancouver is this thing where there are certain restaurants offer a special meal, like a set menu at a set price. And there's three price levels. And you go there and... Do you have to get that? You don't have to get that. So you could just get their regular menu. Yeah.

Okay. And it's actually generally not that good of a deal. Or like some restaurants don't offer what they're known for. And you're like, why bother? You go to a seafood restaurant, it's chicken. I that kind of thing um well no one of them we went to a an italian restaurant and there was no like no pasta oh really yeah there was like uh uh pork belly oh with the you know some kind of italian sauce wrapped in a fajita. But anyway, my problem is these are

like, you know, not the nicest restaurants, but they're on the nice side. They're not super expensive. They're on the nice side of restaurant scales? Or nice side of town? Yeah, they're like above a chain restaurant. Oh, ooh. So, not a keg, but a... Yeah.

Something that's not a keg. Anyway anyway so we've gone to a couple of them and they all i know this is kind of like an old comedy premise or like it's sort of played out but what's with these salty peanuts it's sort of this is sort of on the level of people complaining about hey why did starbucks have such weird names for their things yeah okay okay uh but i don't need the wine to be described to me and i don't like i i don't like wine but i will drink it to impress the waiter but like don't don't tell me what i'm supposed to be tasting because you're lucky i'm drinking it at all like this is it's a weird room temperature soup that you're giving me and it's got,

it somehow turned alcoholic. I, so, just, and I just don't like having to pretend, because there was one meal we went to that

had three courses and each had a, a different wine. And so, every wine I had to sit through. And then they do the thing where they come up with the bottle and they pour a little bit

and they hand you the glass and then they look at you so you gotta taste it and be like, yeah, yeah, okay. I've to sit through. And then they do the thing where they come up with the bottle and they pour a little bit and they hand you the glass and then they look at you so you gotta taste it and be like yeah, yeah, okay. I've done that before. That sounds like school. I'll have it, I guess. I don't know. Horrible. Sure. Which one of us is paying for this? Can I just have this little sip and not have the rest of the bottle that you just opened?

Do you have any Pepsi? I would actually like to taste it and be like, no, I don't like it. This is weak. Put some cinnamon in this. I don't know if you're allowed to do that. I think it's like you're tasting for impurities. Like you could be like, oh, the cork is off.

I don't know what people say. I've never seen sideways. You're off your cork, I think is how they say it. Tastes whiny. These grapes have gone a long time ago. This Welch's is gross. I can't taste it in my jeans. But do either of you drink wine?

No. I mean, I will if there's... I won't drink red wine because I think I'm allergic to it. That's probably a good assumption. Sulfites. When in doubt, yeah uh i break out in hives and stuff when i drink it and i get a really horrible headache so that's got to be something bad right or is that what wine's supposed to do is that why everybody loves it so much yeah

they love the flush it's like a real experience oh this rash is divine. I'm tripping balls. Are you seeing fish? This is so much better. Are everyone's heads misshapen? So you're going out to dinner tomorrow night. Is that also? That is also, but I'm not going to get that menu. No, you're just going to... So you're hitting the town.

I am hitting the town a tiny bit. You wearing sports coats? Occasionally. Nice. Although the last time I did, it was really... There were kids running around. It was the McDonald's place. It's weird that they had a Dine Out Vancouver menu.

It is weird that... When I was a kid, I never went to this nice of a restaurant. Oh, no. And these aren't super nice restaurants. Nice restaurants are wasted on kids. Oh, totally. But, like, this is a $28 a person menu, which isn't very expensive. It's not over the top. Maybe not for you.

Well, no, it's unusual for me. It's not over the top. Maybe not for you. Well, no. It's unusual for me. But, you know, every time that I see a kid, like, either going into or coming out of a fancy restaurant, I think of an episode of The Cosby Show where Bill Cosby, like, tries to take them to a fancy restaurant and they just want hamburgers. Right.

And so then the restaurant makes them, like, fancy hamburgers and they don't like them. And it's just, like, he wastes all this money and time. And I'm like, that's the experience makes them like fancy hamburgers and they don't like them and it's just like he wastes all this money and time and I'm like that's the experience with kids in fancy restaurants they don't care about oh Jew but yeah there's an episode of The Wire as well

where they take all the at risk youth oh yeah to the fancy restaurants that's right they get all weirded out. They don't like the experience at all. Someone tries to take their coat and they think someone's trying to take their coat. That episode was ripped off at the coffee shop.

It's weird that at the door of the restaurant they said, give me your coat, motherfucker. Which is weird. And then they held out a knife for them to hang their coat on. That's how they do it in really fancy restaurants. Put your coat on my sword. But other than that, just... Well, you got...

It was picture day today, I gather. It was picture day today at work. How did you gather that? You saw one of my co-workers' Facebook? Yes, your co-worker's Facebook said, oh, it's picture day. This feels just like high school or, you know, some such, something about Jostens.

It is great. How creepy was the photographer? No, the photographer was the guy who sits right next to me every day at work. just like high school or you know some such something about justin's it is great how creepy was the photographer uh no the photographer was the guy who sits right next to me every day at work so how creepy uh so it wasn't uh no he's a good guy but it was actually kind of fun because i knew the photographer and uh he took like it's digital so he took a thousand pictures he played some of your favorite music. Got you in the mood. Got a wind machine going.

I really let my guard down and took off my clothes and showed my wiener. Like, I can see why Levi Johnston did it. Was that that guy's name? The guy who was naked? Yeah. Yeah. Naked Palin, they call him. who was naked yeah yeah um naked palin um yeah they uh i was watching an ad for the next uh cycle of america's next top model okay yeah they call them cycles yeah and the the clip on the show

was it's a real wild season and then they showed a clip where the girls had to have pictures taken with bees on their face is that something that models have to do sometimes like not freak related models like guinness book of world record models but just like well when i'm thinking of a purse i'm signed with rip please i'm with the rip please agency this dress is very expensive Could I wear it with bees on my face? Can I wear giant nails on my hands? You think you're overdressed Wearing a sport coat to a restaurant Try going to a restaurant

With bees on your face Sometimes when I go out I wear an embalmed fetus Around my neck and jaw People brought their kids here My embalmed child is not interested in these fancy hamburgers. America's Next Top Model, every season,

there's always, you have to pose nude. Yeah. Because that's something real models have to do. Well, these bees were nude. They weren't wearing little bee pants. Sure. But every season, there's people who object to it. There's models who have seen every episode

and know that they're going to have to pose nude, but then when the time finally comes, they're like, oh, I'm not doing that. No one told me about that. And then they get kicked off or what? It depends. It just creates a buzz. Yeah, they're always like,

she didn't want to pose nude, good for her. And then some other people are like, oh, get her out of here. Yeah, there's always somebody who's like, whip them out. Whip him out. Whip him out. Well, sometimes if two or three people refuse to pose nude, only one of them gets kicked off.

That's power in numbers. So that's me. Graham, what's up with you? Not much, but one great thing. Oh, yeah, you were excited. Well, actually, two really extraordinary things. First of all, we got an overheard sent in by a guy named

Arliss. Was it with two dollar signs? Yeah, he's a sports agent. You may have heard of him. He works at Ripley's. Does Ripley's represent athletes as well? If so, what sports? Ripley's is a huge agency.

They handle freaks. Sports freaks. Models. Models that will wear beads. But this guy, Arliss, he is a Vancouverite, like the three of us. And he sent in an email

with an overheard. And at the bottom of the page, he had a link to his uh blog and i anytime somebody sends one of those i always click on it and just kind of see oh you know what is this person you're gonna get so many emails this week oh i know i can't wait uh because this one really paid off this guy uh quite a snappy dresser dresses very much in the kind of uh madman-esque kind of era uh very you know just very clean snappy dresser so he's clicking through his photos and then there were photos of his wedding day and uh

you know just kind of a nice wedding night it's just nice outdoor wedding nothing kind of to speak of you know everybody looked very nice but then i came across a photo and it seemed that the wedding was being officiated by tommy chong which and i there was like three or four pictures of tommy chong the bride and the groom and tommy chong in the middle of them yeah arliss somehow got tommy chong so i don't know who this guy is. He wrote in to us. He's a fan of the podcast. I need to know more about how you got Tommy Chung to officiate your wedding.

I think you can become a justice of the peace fairly easily. It's like a course. Oh, yeah. I know. He spent some time in jail. He probably found some sort of internet religion. Sure. Lolcats.

But it really blew my mind because it was one of those... It wasn't like at a party where it's just somebody taking a picture with a celebrity who was there. What was Tommy Chong wearing? He was wearing kind of like... He was wearing a... Tuxedo shirt. Like fake tuxedo t-shirt.

Vest. Yeah, leather headband. Leather vest. Or combat vest and bell bottoms. It might have just been a cardboard cutout of Tommy Chung. Now that I think of it. Cheech was also there, but they were in front of Cheech.

Oh no, you're right. He was playing the organ. It's just a cardboard cutout. Instead of exchanging rings, they exchanged doobies. And then this morning when I woke up, there was an infomercial on TV that I've never seen before. I used to think that the most inconceivable and bizarre infomercial was the one where Mr. T was on for the flavor wave. Yeah. Because it seems like... Talking to a scared white woman.

Yeah. And he talks about how he likes his pizza crispy. And it's just kind of like a crazy thing. This infomercial goes so many light years beyond in craziness. It was an ad for... It was like a fake fireplace that you would buy that generated some heat and looked super fake. And when the hosts were talking about how great this product was, there was all these Amish people in the background. And I couldn't piece it together because they didn't reference the Amish people at all.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they're built by the Amish people at all. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they're built by the Amish. The wooden case that the thing is in is built by Amish people. Yeah. And they keep saying, like, made with Amish craftsmanship. But they don't...

Yeah, they don't appreciate the idea of a fake fire, or... Well, and they show this one Amish guy putting the fake fire in, and fuck it with the knob, he never turns it on. That's the other thing that's hilarious yeah he's scratching his head he's like he's like all right can you cut before i turn it on because i don't think the testimonials in it there's just like these people like just

talking about how it's warm like it's it's great it's a heater in my place and it's warm and that's all that they can say about it, because there's nothing else to say. Amish about it. But then the Amish guy that they interviewed, they can't look into the camera. Because it will steal their soul? Or something. So he was looking. It's filming the side of his head while he's talking about the craftsmanship. And then it shows a barn full of Amish people making these cabinets. Have you seen this infomercial?

I've seen part of it. I don't know if i've seen it as in-depth as you but i've definitely heard of the product it's called the heat surge are amish people second class citizens um are they less than us no i think they're actually more than us but i was very surprised to see them on tv yeah because it's weird that they because i don't think they wanted anything to do with the English. That's what they called it in that Harrison Ford movie. Yeah, but like the fact that they... Air Force One. Yeah. Air Force One, that Amish guy on the plane.

Give me back my son, right guys? Drown you in cornmeal. Get off my wagon. But, yeah, anyways. I'd never seen this before and it was mind-blowing because i watched it for at least 10 minutes before they ever made any reference to why there were amish people in the commercial but it would show somebody at home like relaxing by the fire and then it would show an amish person like sanding wood and i was like i don't you're gonna explain this at some point now amish people do a thing uh in like their young adulthood where they they get to live among the english and

decide if they want to stay or if they want to go back to the amish yeah it's called rim springer i think it's rumspringa which sounds sounds sinister. It sounds like Kristallnacht. But every time that they talk about it, that song Should I Stay or Should I Go plays. Every time? And then that song Rumspringa plays. For hundreds of years. The one by Du Haas. That was by Rumspringa, wasn't it?

But what... Are they noticeable when they're around? Do you know? They don't have buttons but they wear cool hats Are they not like journeyman carpenters In Europe Who have to wear the old timey later hosen When they go walking around

I always get confused There's so many different kinds There's Amish and there's Mennonites And then there's Quakers Hudderites Ducobores many different kinds there's like they're amish and then there's mennonites and then there's quakers hutter right quakers hutter rights duke of bores yeah i hear they make good borscht i don't know yeah um uh whirling dervishes yeah those are totally hutter rights did you say yeah hutter rights um uh jebediah but there's in bc there's that big colony of i've actually been to some mennonite uh elementary schools oh sex parties uh at elementary schools um for my job sometimes i

tour to elementary schools do shows for kids and occasionally we've done shows with at mennonite schools and it's it's always funny because it's a science show, but they're like, don't say anything. They're like, we had a guy come up afterwards once, and he's like, okay, kids. Because you work for Science World, just to clarify for anybody who's like, why are you going to schools? Yeah. You work for a science world.

Right, that sometimes is scientific. And we've gone to, yes, and it's always funny because we've done these very religious schools sometimes and Mennonite schools, and then the principal would come up at the end and be like, okay, kids, that wasn't magic. Oh, wow. That was science that God created. Oh. Do not burn him. He is not a witch.

Yeah. It was kind of funny how they had to clarify this whole idea of like, there's no such thing as magic. That wasn't magic. Thank you for coming to our town. Here's your heat surge fireplace. Not to dump on any religion, you know, anybody's religion, but it really was a shocking thing to see Amish people in an infomercial. I never thought

I would see that. Neither did they. Do you have Amish listeners? How could we? Yeah, I don't think that that's possible. We've got some listeners who are Amish. We also put out one wax cylinder a year. That's a best of. Are they allowed to have those? I think somebody goes to the

Amish community and then listens to the podcast and then just says it as it's happening. They do your voice and then they do Dave's voice. And then the bearded one says. The bearded one, or as we call him, our favorite. Exactly. You know what's a great Amish

name? You don't have buttons right now either. Give him a zipper, though. Hamish is a good Amish name because it's the whole religion with just an A. But Hamish is like, thatish name because it's the whole religion but Hamish is like that's the only time you would ever hear a Hamish would be on Amish territory I think it's more of a Scottish thing I might be thinking of Seamus

now you were saying they can't have buttons they don't have buttons they have buttons what do they have Velcro? Nothing zippers? it's all pullovers and strings no they have buttons. They have buttons. No. What do they have? Velcro? Nothing. Zippers? It's all pullovers and strings.

No, they have buttons. No buttons. Have you seen pictures of Amish people on rollerblades? What? Yes. That's a real thing? Yeah, because it's a wheel. Yeah. So they're allowed to have wheels. Although I think it's a gray area. They're allowed to do rollerblades, but they're not allowed to do any

tricks. And they can't have the ones that use those plastic parts, like the to attach, you know, the ones with the ratchet. No idea. The ratchet plastic as opposed to laces. No, no, they have to... Oh, okay, like ski bindings. Yeah, they're not allowed to have those.

They can't even have laces. They just have glue. They hammer them to the face. For some reason. That's their one exception. Actually, they're not even allowed to use nails. No, that's your full of shit. No, they don't use nails.

No, they can use nails. How do you think their farts are made? They have a system where they put a wooden peg through with a mallet. I'm pretty sure they don't use nails. Like a dovetail joint. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. No nails, no buttons.

I think you're confused about the technology cutoff date. Buttons and nails? So is that what Amish is? It's a cutoff date? It's like steampunk. Yeah, they don't... It's like people... Because there's like yeah they don't it's like people because there's people who aren't of any uh faith who just are like i only 1920s are my cut off for for the technology

and the way i dress yeah same thing except with with a religious i'm pretty sure they don't use but but the amish aren't uh well they don't use buttons maybe they don't have buttons on their jackets i think what you're thinking is they don't use buttons to on their wooden products and they don't use nails to close their clothes but they do use them traditionally sure do they have you ever heard an amish version of that uh a pussycat doll's song buttons no is it called my Up My Glue Strings? Why would they have strings made out of glue? That sounds really hard.

Loosen up my girdle. Is that what they have? Girdles? Why would they? Yeah. Well, now let's take some time to handle some of our business. Life can be fun.

Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta do the things you don't wanna do To get through the day You gotta shine your shoes You gotta sweep the floor You gotta clean your house You gotta do some more

Take care of business So now that we're a big time, big shot podcast We are open to advertising Yes, and if you would like to advertise on our precious airwaves, there's no actual airwaves. Oh, earwaves. Internet waves. Is the internet made of waves?

What was the thing called? Heat gauge? What was the thing? Oh, your Amish product? Yeah. Surge wave. Heat surge. Then, if you would like to advertise here, email Teresa. That's T-H-E-R-E-S-A, as in there's a, at MaximumFun.org. And for a corporate message, it is $150.

For a corporate message, it is $150 Earth. And for a personal message, like, does anyone know where I left my hat? Yeah, that's $100 Pluto dollars. Yeah, sure. Or Earth. Okay, so this first message is of the personal variety. So is it romantic in nature? Oh, it sure is, Dave. Should we provide a musical background?

Yes, please. This is a Valentine's message, so if you would, Dave. You and me We used to be together Every day together Always Okay, that's not the message. To Gavin.

Thank you for being sweet to me always. For winding down the car window when you fart. For sitting on my feet when they are cold. Making me laugh. Giving me super kisses and hugs. For being the dumpy to my grumpy. And my very best friend. There is no one I would rather watch

purple rain and eat chips with in bed. Happy Valentine's Day, my love. Don't speak. Maria. Happy Valentine's Day, Gavin. And Maria. I hope tonight is a precious one.

Wait. This episode gets released on Tuesday. Also, there's no such thing as a precious one. Wait. This episode gets released on Tuesday. Also, there's no such thing as a precious night. This episode gets released on the 8th-ish, so don't listen to it until Valentine's Day. And then totally... Wait. Base your night on

the novel Push by Precious. No, wait. Stop. If you get to this point, stop now and rewind and don't have listened to the last part. Yeah. Unlisten. Get one of those

Men in Black Men in Black memory erasers. Now, we also have We do have a great We have a unromantic message. Yeah, but it's I feel the love from this.

This is a corporate sponsorship of the Buck 50 variety. Yeah, sure. And I know a lot of people out there are anti-corporation, but this is a tiny, tiny corporation. Yeah, this is like what the Ford company used to be before they sold out. When Henry Ford was really cool. So the company's name is Fuzzy Balls Apparel. And a lot of our listeners also listen to Jordan Jesse Go, and they might have noticed that this company has advertised on both shows.

And hey, yeah, that's pretty awesome. Yeah, exactly. And the way they describe themselves is, purveyors of cute and creepy t-shirts and things for women, men, children, and babies. All their shirts are printed on American-made, American apparel clothing items. Free shipping on all U.S. orders. And this is a special thing. If you're a listener, to stop podcasting yourself, all orders of $25 get an extra mystery pack filled with goodies.

And orders of $50 or more get the goodies. They get the mystery pack. And they get one pair of hot unicorn mantis, which before this evening, didn't know what those were. I assumed that they were panties for men. But they're like a classy Y-front brief with they're like a Y-front. They're like a classy Y-front brief with a unicorn. A Y-front, eh? Yeah, because isn't that what they're? Yeah, a brief.

Like it's a brief, but it's got a thing wherein your wiener can come out of that hole, right? That's what it's for. Around the gate. Yeah, I never used that as a child, though. Did you go over the top as a kid? Oh, yeah, everybody goes over the top. Oh, he's over the top. I used to wear sweatpants.

That's what that... Everyday sweatpants. Is that what the Sylvester Stallone movie is about? Over the top? Yeah, it's about peeing with sweatpants on. And the gentleman who is the... Oh, wait, just before you say that. When you put the order, if you're a spy listener,

if you write spy and the size of Manti you would like in the comments at the time of checkout, that's how you can receive the special goodie box and for $50 orders, the Mantis with the unicorn on them as well. And this guy, he sent us a huge box of this stuff. We're looking at the Mantis as we speak. We really went overboard on these. Thank you very much, Roy.

His name is Roy. He sent them. And this is a side project. He's an artist. He certainly is an artist. There's a very kind of unique kind of thing. And let's go through this stuff and sort of describe what it is. Well, right now I'm holding in my hand a box that's called Los Huevos, which is...

Which means the eggs. The eggs. In Amish. And it's, there's four designs of these eggs, and they're like, they're kind of weighted, and they're, they almost look like Christmas ornaments, but like a Parade of the Dead Mexican style. Yeah, that seems to be the style. They almost look like Christmas ornaments But like a Parade of the Dead Mexican style Yeah, that seems to be the style It's sort of like a cartoon

Voodoo cartoon Day of the Dead Yeah, I'm holding Raul, the skeleton bear Skeleton bear in a bear costume He's cute and creepy And Ivan is holding Gato I think Raul, I swear to God, Raul must be Raul Oh yeah, Raul Like the actor Raul must be Raul Oh yeah Raul

Like the actor Raul Julia And it's ages 6 and up How old is yours? 6 plus So 5 year olds if you're listening No eggs for you It's a collectible sculpture With a fake ID

Which one are you? You're Gato That sounded Japanese. Gato. Oh, Domo. Arigato. That's his name. So he's a cat and he knows it.

Yo lo soy. Yo tu lo sabes. Yo lo sé. I'm sorry for butchering the beautiful Spanish language. And I'm holding in my hand a bunch of tattoos. Temporary. Oh, no. Okay. Well, I'm only interested my hand a bunch of tattoos, temporary. Oh, no. Okay.

Well, I'm only interested in the permanent. You don't get a lot of permanent tattoos through the mail. This one I'm looking at right now is a human heart, like the actual organ, with what looks to be frosting and sprinkles all over it. Okay. And it says sweetheart on it. You shouldn't do that to a human heart. I know very little about the human anatomy,

but I know that'll probably kill you. It does not increase productivity. Despite what Michael Phelps would tell you. Put sprinkles on your heart. That guy eats so much. It will not make you wet. I know. Three fried egg sandwiches.

And then a ton of t-shirts. And he sent us a pint glass. The pint glass looks pretty substantial That is pretty great And what's on that? I think it's Raul And he's drinking It's pronounced Raul

Raul Rolly Rolly Polly And it says Mmm beer Mmm beer Right To tell you

And you've got a nice coffee mug Don't put milk in this Dave claimed the coffee mug Outright With four characters Who like their coffee Different ways How does Gato like his coffee? Which one's Gato?

The cat Gato says I don't drink coffee What about Bastardo? I describe him He's the rabbit With the mouth that goes all the way around He says I like it black like my soul And bitter like my heart.

Oh, goodness. Well, let's give the last word to Raul. Or Raul. He seems to be the guy. Raul likes it smooth and mellow. Yeah, that's right. I like this stuff a lot. It's very, it is,

it's like a very kind of Mexican inspired. And like, I think cute and creepy is the perfect kind of definition for it. T-shirts and things. I thought it was cute and creepy when you were describing the Y-fronts on this underwear Graham and you actually put your hand in the clutch. Yeah, and I made a wiener motion with my fingers.

Like my wiener was going like, he's a penal colony. You did the jack-off motion. So Fuzzy Balls Apparel dot com is where they can go. And repeat the deal again one more time for them. Well, let me just call it up here. The deal is special for Stop Podcasting Yourself listeners.

All orders of $25 get an extra mystery pack filled with goodies. And orders of $50 or more get the goodies and one pair of hot unicorn mantis. And let me tell you, they're so hot that your wiener is going to pop right out the side. That's what you're testing for. And remember when I sang Don't Speak? Yeah. Okay. Let's move on to Overheard.

Oh, Overheard. Overheard. overheard overheards a uh you know it will echo through the uh mists of time i'm sure as one of the greater segments to have ever happened time is a mist yeah well it's misty um man isn't it though yeah when time gets in your eyes you'll get a little misty in the morning uh now ivan you've been on the show before you know how we like to roll we like to start with the guest you said you didn't have an overheard so much when overseen lay it on us yeah i i desperately when you told me today that that you wanted me on the podcast i was like oh that's so awesome i need an overheard so i took the bus here uh i did

not hear it even though there was a there was a girl talking on the phone like right next to me the whole bus trip and i was like oh say something good but she didn't really say anything good i did notice that she was making uh she was talking in like a iphone style so she has like earbuds in her ears so she didn't even have a phone up your ear she was just standing talking but still making a lot of facial expressions while on the phone which i thought was weird um but yeah she didn't really say anything that exciting but keep describing but after i got off the bus i and then i got off and i walked to there's like a video store on the corner of fraser and uh broadway i guess yes it is drops you off it's got four names i think on every side of it has a different name yeah i think it

used to be called dvd only because that was a big deal back in the day but now people are like do blu-ray and they're like oh damn it yes we were all about the future before uh but they have a uh a poster for the movie piranha and i thought that it was quite funny the tagline because you know they have a movie poster and they have a tagline and the tagline said uh sea like the ocean comma sex and dot dot dot blood sea sex and blood yeah well that basically uh describes although it didn't take place in a sea it took place in in a lake, didn't it? Havasu, I believe. Who's marketing that movie? Yeah, spoiler. Did you see that movie?

No, I did not. Oh, see it. Was it good? It's pretty ridiculous. How much do you like gore? I know there was a guy in the trailer doing a catwalk on a motorcycle, which I thought was cool. It's fun gore. Some of it's fun gore.

It's fun gory. It gets to a point where it does become a little... But there's some really ridiculous nudity. Yeah, I see it for the nudity. Love it. And then leave for the goriness. There's a scene that you're like, am I imagining this? These women are swimming underwater for 20 minutes.

I know. Without breathing. Completely naked. I'm telling you, my wiener got right around my unicorn man. Sure, yeah. it went through your wife right through the wife Dave do you have an overseen again mine is an overseen and I don't think we've ever had an overseen

as lazy as the tagline from a movie poster I have another one but this was the headlock I just thought this was the funniest it was in the newspaper Vancouver's tabloid paper But this was the headlock. I just thought this was the funniest. It was in the newspaper, Vancouver's tabloid paper, the Vancouver Province. And the cover was this woman who was 112 years old, and she's now Canada's oldest citizen.

Yes. And she is from the Vancouver area. And it was front page news. On the front page it said, Canada's oldest whatever, blah, blah. She loves the iPhone, football, and fatty snacks. And I was like, okay, she doesn't love the iPhone. Yeah. Her great-great-grandson was like, I showed her my iPhone, she fell asleep.

But it didn't kill her. But she does love her fatty snacks. But inside the newspaper, it said, Life's still fun for Sam Ying Fung, which is her name. Sure. She's an old Asian lady. And her quote on her 112th birthday, I don't know when to die.

I've been eating so many fatty foods hoping to speed up the process. Why should I die? It's really a question that all of us should ask. You don't know? Yeah, you have to know when to die. You don't want to be all un have to know when to die. Oh, wow.

You don't want to be all unclassy and die at the wrong moment. Yeah, so sad. You had a house guest die, like, ugh. That was the wrong time. Yeah, bad timing. My overheard comes courtesy of being in Yaletown on a Saturday night. Yaletown, for anyone not from Vancouver, is a very... It's a...

Yuppie? Yuppie, I think you would say. Upwardly mobile... Urban area. Urban. Trust fund kids with money to spend. But in a... Yeah, not...

Well, I mean, yeah, it's a lot of people with a lot of money. Yeah, it's an apartment area as opposed to a house area. Yeah. A lot of condos, I think, more... What's the difference? They own them so they have money. Is, it's an apartment area as opposed to a house area. A lot of condos, I think. What's the difference? They own them, so they have money. Is that all the difference? But like, when you

build a building, do you build a condo different than an apartment? Yeah, condos have washer-dryers in those motherfuckers. He knows. He's kicked a lot of paint cans in a lot of abandoned condos. You're like, condo. I have a lot of experience with construction. I thought this was an apartment. Me and that horse.

The horse was a condo. My overheard comes courtesy of a couple of women who were just walking by while I was trying, I was buzzing my friend's apartment, and they were walking by, and all they said was, I don't know what happened, but today was supposed to be

a cell phone a bottle of wine and a lot of crafts so something derailed that shit and big time that's a fun day yeah right i like having days like that when it's planned out what that you're gonna do garbage yeah you're gonna do crafts but what was a cell phone i don't know see it's it's so if anything it just opened more mysteries than it's so... If anything, it just opened more mysteries than it saw. What are the ingredients in your lazy days? Heat gauge, or whatever it's called. Heat surge. Surge heat gauge.

I don't think you like this product as much as you think you do. Surging... I can't get the name right. I feel ridiculous. The surging Amish. Yeah. A button master. Yeah, some sort of... I forget, did we say on the air whether Amish. Yeah. A button master. Yeah, some sort of... I forget, did we say on the air whether Amish people have buttons? Yes, they have buttons, and Ivan was basing that on the lyrics from Weird Al Yankovic's Amish Paradise.

That is a reputable source. All right. Okay, no, but your lazy days. Oh, what do I do on my lazy days? I don't have any lately, but I guess a lazy day would be multiple movie watchings. Usually of a movie I've already seen. That seems to me to epitomize a lazy day. If you're watching Jurassic Park 3 and you don't even like it, but you're just watching it because you're like,

I don't want to even change the channel. That's to me the height of a lazy day. You? Good. Mostly a laptop and a dog yeah uh both on my lap yeah you get the dog to do some some surfing of his own well he will he i think he gets jealous of the laptop on my computer yeah he'll start putting his hands on it and i've seen the picture it will ruin uh like if i'm trying to use the mouse area and he's touching control then it it uh it's like it'll start doing things i don't want it to do or like it'll start making the screen go in uh closer than i don't know

he's like zooming on that thing how about you lazy cat uh sweatpants Manufacturing your own sweatpants Over the top I have a sweatpants company called Over the top sweatpants They're the only one with a Y for Sweatpants That is you are supposed to opt out Of the Y

Alright Now we have overheards sent in That is, you are supposed to opt out of the one. All right. Now, we have overheards sent in by listeners. And if you are somebody that overhears things and you think they're hilarious, the place to send them, stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. We got Arliss is in there. I think Arliss got enough, uh, play on this show. Hit the road, Robert Wool. Do you still do the phone-in ones?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're gonna get to that. Don't you, uh, you know, don't. Okay, okay. All right. Um, all right. Here we go. Here we go.

Uh, the first one comes to, oh, here we go. The first one, uh, comes to us from Josh C. This is Josh C. in Whitehorse. Uh, this was at the grocery store mid-afternoon on a Saturday. Five-year-old boy. Do you like it when I tell you, uh, I love you? Fifty-ish woman. Yes, I like it very much.

Boy, I love you, grandma. Woman, I'm not Grandma. I'm your mommy. It's so touching. What are you, Grandma? Yeah, you get it. I'm not Grandma. The amount of times I've said that.

Okay. This one comes from Jessica. Jessica R. My husband and I were at the University of Oregon's women's basketball game this weekend, which we were... Go Beavers. Yeah, go Beavers. Which we were losing at. A kid sitting right next to us, probably 12 old blurted out we're winning his family quickly corrected him and told him that we were losing the kid responded yeah but our to's are

better the to's he was referring to were the timeouts that were still available to each team no point in taking a timeout if you're down by 50 points. Oh, yeah. This final one comes from Ian G. The main reason I'm emailing this overheard and not calling in is because I'm terrified Dave might find my voice punchable. See what you've started? Scaring people. That guy's voice was so fucking punchable. Scaring people. That guy's voice was so fucking punchable.

I was traveling downtown Halifax on the bus with my then seven-month-old son, and soon after we got on, a group of kids came aboard with what I assumed was a teacher. The kids were about eight or nine years old and were having a heated discussion about colors. It was St. Patrick's Day, and every time one of the kids saw something green, he would shout out, there's some green. His companion would then respond with his own observation of something yellow with, There's some yellow! This went on for longer than you can imagine,

and the longer it went on, the louder and more aggressive the kids seemed to get. After a few more volleys of that's green and that's yellow, the teacher tried to make some kind of peace by saying, Okay now, why don't we just call it truce? To which, after a beat, the first kid replied, you can call it chartreuse if you want to, but I still say it's green. No idea where a kid that young would ever hear the word chartreuse.

Wow, that's good. That's all the way from Nova Scotia. Yeah. One of our lesser provinces. No, Dave, don't even start. No, I like it very much. It's One of our lesser province. No, Dave, don't even start. No, I like it very much. It's a very punchable province. That is very funny, but it seems a little bit like an old joke.

Yeah. You want to punch this guy, don't you? No. If he had called in, I certainly wouldn't have. But I do want to punch him now. But honestly, the only guy whose voice I ever wanted to punch had the most punchable voice. And the things he was saying. He's like, I've got a thousand bucks to spend.

I'm trying to find some beard paintings, but... We're just joking around. Matt was his name, wasn't it? Punchy voice? Yeah. was his name, wasn't it? Punchy Voice? Yeah.

Ugh. Also, speaking of Nova Scotia and Halifax, I will be appearing there in your local comedy festival this April. So batten down the hatches and what else? Lobster up the things. Yeah, lobster up the things. Dartmouth up the bridge. Butter on the baby Butter on the baby

Tell Ron James to come on down Is he from Halifax? Start pronouncing car, car Well, you don't need to start You do it already Anyways, so that's a note Anyways, we also have phoned in over Yes, we do

People this week have really phoned them in No, I mean We got a bunch of calls have phoned in over her. Yes, we do. People this week have really phoned them in. No, I mean, we got a bunch of calls. What did I say? You guys misunderstood. And if you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hello, Dave and Graham and hilarious guests.

It's Matthew from Vancouver. So a co-worker was just telling a story that turned out to be an awesome overheard. She gave me the okay to call it in. So she was on the bus on the way here, actually, and a girl was going on about Black Swan, apparently spoiling the plot for the whole bus. She didn't like it, and here's why.

The movie was such a downer. I thought it was going to be about ballerinas and dancing and bulimia. You know, happy things. Bulimia, right? Not Bohemia? That's what he said? Bulimia? Yeah, bulimia and rhapsody. Is that Matthew, the Matthew we know from Vancouver? Was he from Vancouver?

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, that was him. Oh, right on. Hey, Matt. Matthew K. Yeah, thanks for calling. Thank you for acknowledging me as the various guest. Yeah, I think there will be more of that. I am very various. You're one of the most various. We got one phone call this week that was Graham Dave Improbable Male

Guest. Ooh. I do not care for that. I don't care for that. I think we have more female guests than your average podcast. Yeah, and we strive for it. There's literally not as many. But we don't have to strive for it. What is this, Colorado? Yeah, this could just be a dude cast.

But we don't have to strive for it because there are so many funny women around. Damn right, Steve. Take off your top. Hi, this is Matthew in Austin, Texas with a secondhand overheard. your time. Hi, this is Matthew in Austin, Texas with a second hand overheard. My girlfriend was at her place of work and they were getting some supplies delivered. And she says that one of the guys carrying in the boxes of stuff made an offhand comment to her about how he can't wait until it's the future when cardboard boxes no longer exist. And she had to ask him what he was talking about. And he said, you know, in the future,

we'll just carry stuff around in holograms or whatever. I thought that was pretty funny. Oh, man, that guy doesn't know anything about holograms. Laser box. Well, we'll just carry our smaller holograms around in bigger holograms. Sure. Oh, man.

Holograms or whatever. I find that the more holograms you own, the more they end up owning you. Do you remember that hologram store on Robson? Yes! It was very brief. Yeah. They used to have a store where you could...

I'm sorry, no, I don't. It wasn't as brief as you might think it would be. It was, like, way longer lasting than... Wait, what are you talking about? What's a hologram store? It was a store that just sold holograms. You can define a hologram. It's a box that you can put things in and carry it around.

Come on, it's the future. It's a thing for carrying things that's lighter than cardboard. And it's totally recyclable. When I think of a hologram, I think of either... Jem. Jem's backup band.

The news to her Huey Lewis. Or Will.i.am on cnn yeah no i think of uh princess leia uh that image that r2d2 was yeah help me one obi-wan you're my only hope yeah uh or i think of uh like a sticker that you that has a certificate of authenticity on like an nba hat yeah they sold all those things yeah All the things we mentioned they sell. They just sell. But it's still the broken clip of Princess Leia where you can't get the whole thing.

Did that store exist or did I? Yeah, no, it did. It had like glasses that had hologram eyes and it had like holograms. Or like watches with a skull. So that it had a certain angle. Like a 3D skull. And it had like stone things that turned into different holograms. Or like watches with a skull. So that it had a certain angle. Like a 3D skull. And it had like stone things

that turned into different holograms. Like a werewolf face and then not a werewolf face. And they just had like a frame. Just like a picture. I don't know why I'm doing the hand thing. You can't. Sure, yeah.

You're L7. They had a framed picture. Like just, it was just a hologram. One of them was really cool because it was a hologram of a telescope. And then like if you moved, because it's like a a 3d image and if you moved so that you were actually looking through the telescope it would actually have like a little magnified version is that magic uh it's both there was another one that when you looked at it it looked it you couldn't

really tell but it just looked like like a waistband and then you looked at it closely and a dick came over the top it's one of those oh yeah well those there were things like that too that uh they weren't like a silver like the the certificate of authenticity things are like a silver uh sticker yeah but then there are ones that ones that are a piece of paper that has some kind of, you know, like corrugated plaster in it. You can only see it from one angle. You animate it when you turn it. The hologram store didn't sell those.

Okay. The new driver's licenses have a hologram. Maybe that's not a hologram. Do you get animated with it? But it was on Robson for a longer time than it would be. It's true. It was like prime real estate.

It's the big shopping strip in Vancouver. It was right there. It was like a block. It's our Las Ramblas. Was it at Robson and Thurlow? It was right next to that Starbucks that's across the street from the other Starbucks. Yeah, the kitty corner Starbucks.

Finally. Oh, let's listen. Hi, Dave, Graham, corner of Starbucks. Finally. Oh, let's listen. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. My name is Priscilla, and I'm calling in with an overseen. This morning, I logged into Netflix, and occasionally on the side, it will have a short survey of interest or movie categories to try to find out what you're interested in

so that they can recommend things. This morning, it asked me if I like to watch mysteries and also if I like to watch racism. I like to watch it, not participate in it. I don't participate, but I'm a big fan of watching. I do stand idly by when a lot of racism goes down.

I find all I can do is watch. One of those people. I don't help. Thank you, everybody, for calling in. If you want to call in, the number is 206-339-8328. And if you want to write in, stop podcasting yourself at gmail.de. We are now moving over to a Denmark-based email server. Yeah, through Gmail.

Graham, stop podcasting yourself at Gmail.com. No one likes your tomfoolery. No one. Not even the Denmarkians. Not even the people who listen. The Denmarkimarks. That's what they're called. The funky bunch.

The country of a funky bunch Now, Ivan Is it Diven? Diven, yep That's my god-given name Ivan God Hospital Yeah

God Hotel God Hotel Who would be the doctor That would work on God At the God Hospital? Who would be the bellman At the God Hotel? That's true

God Hotel Oh, guys, come on God Hotel Knock it off, jerks What about Goat Hotel? Oh, guys, come on. Knock it off. Knock it off, jerks. What about a goat hotel? Yeah, well, Hotel for Goats. How's your goatee? As in greatest of all time. Ivan, you're on the internet. What about a ham hotel? All the time, right? Yep.

Where can people find you? They can find me on Twitter or Facebook. What's your Twitter name? It's the worst one ever. It's IV and then a four instead of an A and an N because I played video games on the internet. Sure, sure. Yeah, sure. And what is it? Oh, I think last time you were on, you mentioned your Xbox Live name.

Have you got any randos? Did I? No, I don't think I did. Maybe I did. Yeah, my Xbox Live name was Captain1000. I'm never on Xbox Live, though. I'm on PlayStation Network now. I've changed over.

And what's the name there, Captain1000? No, it is Flash Fisticuffs. That's pretty good. All one word. Well, why would it be more than one word? Well, there's no dash. Well, one of them is... I don't have time

for hyphens it would be confusing if you had a dash because it would be flash dash fisticuffs fisticuffs

flash dash fisticuffs that's hard to say and is there a website anybody can go to find out dates yeah

ivandegra.com the dates just go I mean for dates I normally just post those on my Facebook fan page because I find that updating

the website is next weekend actually with future guest Lachlan Patterson I'm assuming dates, I normally just post those on my Facebook fan page. Any big dates coming up? Next weekend, actually, with future guest Lachlan Patterson, I'm assuming. I will be middling for him next weekend at the Comedy Mix. The 10th to the 12th of February. Not that far from where the old hologram store used to be. That's true. You could go a couple blocks away.

You could go take a tour of where the hologram store used to be. It's on all the haunted tours of Vancouver. Yeah, it's the haunted hologram history tour. And you bring a hologram and fill it full of things. Dave, do you have anything you would like to promote? I will be... If you're listening, if you get the moment it is released... I sound stressed out about it, whatever it is.

Well, no, I'm filling in hosting on CBC Radio 3 on Monday and Tuesday of next week. This episode won't get released until probably Monday night, and so if you want to hear me talk about the Tuesday new releases in Canada, you want to

hear me talk about the new Young Galaxy album, then listen to hear me talk about the new Young Galaxy album, then listen to me on Tuesday morning from 7 to 10 Pacific on cbcradio3.com Sirius Channel 86. Awesome! Do you like how I

turn on a tiny bit of a radio voice? I don't think that like is the word I'd use, but it's something. Did you go to broadcasting school? I did, but not to be on air. Yeah, isn't that the way it goes? Still works out. Yeah, right? There's probably tons of people that did go to be on air, and they're like, oh, I'm at home doing nothing.

Yeah. I'm stealing food out of their mouths. Not having a great podcast. And for myself, like I said before, I'll be in the Halifax Comedy Festival come April. Right? Up here. There we go. And also, I am continuing on my ever-expanding...

Dave hates it so much. I don't hate the... I just hate the work you're producing. I love it. I like it. I prefer your early work. Oh, well, see? And that's...

It's because Dave's a purist. Dave is a purist. Ivan is a... I don't know what you are. Getting better and better. Well, you guys are both... You're both sweet in your own way. The growth is exponential.

Well, also the growth in my beard is exponential, and therefore it's easier to paint with. The farther away it is from my face, the easier it is. When did you start these? Have you gone over the... December? December, yeah. Okay, so it's been like three months.

The beginning of December, so... Yeah, almost three months, yeah. That's amazing. And this was all because you wanted to do something before you trimmed your beard. Not shaved, trimmed. And it's still... Yeah, I haven't even got to that point. Where did it...

Was it that night that Charlie and you and I were talking and never met? That's how it came about. It was you and charlie were like you were joking oh you should paint things with your beard then i brought it to the podcast people emailed in and said i would actually buy one i got an email from a friend of mine claire who was looking to try and raise money for her cancer treatment this is a dovetail it was all dovetail so i'm still painting things with my beard. They will still be up for auction on eBay.

You go to eBay, type in beard painting, Graham Clark. And I know a lot of our listeners have tried to buy beard paintings, but have been outbid. I know. They're going for like 200 bucks a piece now. It's crazy. But I think the more you make, the more affordable they will get. Because they can't get better. Spline demand. Spline demand. Because they can't get better.

Spline demand. They are getting so much better. Really? The Cookie Monster one? The Cookie Monster one's almost at $200. Oh, so that makes it better? It's great for a kid's room. You can't put weird impressionist abstract painting in a kid's room. Of course you can.

No, the kid will turn out to do crack. You've got to put Cookie Monster. I don't want any kids to do crack, Dave. They'll go on Scared Straight programs. They'll turn into ham. Yeah, I don't want them turning into ham. It's no good. Cookie Monster above the crib.

Well, thanks again for being our guest this week and filling in at the last minute. This is so wonderful to have you here. It was really, really fun. Delightful. And thanks, everybody, for listening. And if you do want to contact for advertising purposes, it's Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

And if you want to write in overheards or any other concerns, and please, Arliss, what's up with Chong as your wedding official? We need to know. Stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. We don't need to give that again at gmail.de. We've given the email. I know, but you know. Let's get out of here so I can play more No Doubt songs.

Oh, okay. From Dave and myself and all the people here at Stop Podcast Yourself, join us next week for another Stop Podcast Yourself. yourself.