Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 153 - Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: February 15, 2011

Comedian Lachlan Patterson returns to talk about The Tonight Show, building our own restaurant, and surprise parties.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 153, 153 for you math nerds out there. Stop podcasting yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is somebody who's super excited that it's our one year anniversary after the Olympics here in Vancouver, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm not not excited, but am I supposed to be excited? There's a bunch of events happening for no reason. Did you get the Olympics a gift? Oh my god. That was a

big expensive event. I probably should, you know. You should probably buy it something. Where is it registered? De Beers. And our guest today, a very funny man, returning guest to the show, here in town playing the local comedy club, the Comedy Mix, and just last week was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Mr. Lachlan Patterson is our guest. Hey! Hey, guys. How's it going?

I can talk now. Cool. We all, like, trying to just jump in. I was trying to be like magic, you know, like a wait for my cue like magicians. Sure. Is that how magicians do? I don't know. I guess it's all cued up if you're a magician. It's like pinpoint accuracy. Yeah, I think the magician controls the cues. It's the assistant who has to wait for the cues. All right, fine. Whoever's getting sawed in half. I'll stop talking. Do you want to get to know us? Oh, I would. Get to know us. So, Lachlan, you're living in Los Angeles.

Yes. And you've been down there for all totaled, like, how many years? You've been down there for all totaled, like, how many years? Well, I moved there, I think, when I was 24 for, I think, six years. And then I moved back, and then I moved back down there for another four. Okay. So 10 years. And you like it down there, right? Yeah, I love it.

I live in Venice, which is nice it's kind of just outside of hollywood so i don't have to you know you work out on the beach yeah i do a lot of running around half roller topless a lot of topless running yeah i have a girlfriend who made me get rid of my rollerblades she thinks they're gay and just you just switched you to the regular roller skates with the two sets of wheels i think maybe they look gay. She just switched you to the regular roller skates with two sets of wheels. I think maybe they look gay, but when you get the hockey ones, I think it's okay.

But you have to be carrying a hockey stick the whole time. It's okay to look gay no matter what, especially if you are gay. But you're not gay. And so that's... Am I right? Well, I said I had a girlfriend. That doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't mean anything, right? It's 2011. Yeah, well, I said I had a girlfriend. I'm trying to be... It doesn't mean anything.

No, it doesn't mean anything, right? It's 2011. Yeah, it's LA, you know? You know, in Turkey, I was listening to NPR, they said in Turkey, gay homosexuality is considered a disease. Really? Yeah. It was for a long time in the...

There's this book that comes out every year called... Is it the DSM? The Diagnostic something or other. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's the entire list. In like the 70s they took it out. Yeah, yeah. It's the entire list of all the kind of known medical problems that you can have. And like mental problems and whatnot. And for the longest time, homosexuality was in there. In America. Wow.

Up until like, it was until like the 80s. And now everyone in America knows it's a choice that you make. Yeah, exactly. When you get to a certain point in your life, you decide which one looks more fun. You come to a fork in the road and you're like, left or right?

Yeah, usually you make it in high school where it's really easy, seamless. It's seamlessly easy to make that decision and everybody respects your choices. So tell us about going on the Tonight Show. That's fascinating to me. It was kind of weird because they

didn't tell me I was going to be on. They told me I might be on. Whoa, like for how long did they tell you you might be on? They told me on, be on. Whoa. Like, for how long did they tell you you might be on? They told me on, I believe, a Thursday, and the show taped on Monday, that we might have you on. Okay. I think it was Thursday. It might have been Friday.

Did you say to your girlfriend, I need the rollerblades back. I gotta get them changed. I need my... No, I... So, I immediately called the club and asked for some stage time to work on the set. And they came down on the Saturday to look at the set. And they're like, okay, it's good, cool.

All right, be ready. For whenever. We're going to call you whenever? We're going to call you whenever. That is bizarre. And yeah, and I was like... And we'll pay you even if we don't use you. So I was like, cool. In pay you even if we don't use you.

So I was like, cool. In fact. I'm curious about that. Do you mind saying what do you get paid? I don't know yet, but I think it's about $1,000. Yeah. Wow. Good. That's pretty good.

For a month's work? Yeah. For four and a half minutes. And then they said, and if we don't use you, we promise we'll get you on in the next couple of weeks. So now I'm thinking, I hope I don't get on. Because that's $2,000. Right.

And I can tell people that I'm going to be on The Tonight Show instead of not being able to tell anybody. Right. And you can kind of work out, oh, you know, maybe not this thing, maybe that thing,

or whatever. Those last minute changes. So I posted on my Facebook something like, I might be on The Tonight Show. Those last minute changes. So I posted on my Facebook something like, I might be on The Tonight Show. Which is so lame. But when you say it like that, it sounds like

they were filming a thing at a mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was doing jaywalking. I was doing jaywalking, exactly. No, it sounds like, I don't know if they're going to use me. Jay Leno came to the food court and he was asking people

a lot of questions about world events that were easy, but everyone was getting them wrong. I made sure to screw mine up. Oh yeah, Egypt's president? King Tut? Really? Really? King Tut? Really? That's weird. I've heard worse. I've heard worse.

I've heard worse. I would just like to apologize. The moment we started recording the podcast, someone started an outboard engine outside of the window. Is that true? Is that what it is? It's some kind of awful mechanical device. I think it's leaving now.

Yeah, I think the motorboat is now leaving. It's that sound when you turn the steering wheel on an old car and it starts to... I think it's the fan belt or the... Oh, and it goes like the... Yeah, yeah. High-pitched squeal. That's embarrassing when you're on a date and you have that thing going. It just happens when it's wet.

Okay, so you were on Jaywalking. Right. Yeah. Let's get back in the story. You were on Jay Walken. Is the Tonight Show where it's taped now the same place that the Tonight Show used to be taped? Or did they move? You don't know. I don't know.

But I don't know. They don't have any pictures on the walls. I was hoping to walk in and just see all this nostalgia. Kind of like the old. Yeah, yeah. All the pictures are of old cars. Yeah. There's actually pictures of cars in the green room i'm not surprised um jay leno has i heard he has upwards of four cars he has i heard he has a large garage if you know what i'm saying

the limo driver said he has a different car every single day of the year and i remember michael jordan hearing michael jordan wears a different car every single day of the year and i remember michael jordan hearing michael jordan wears a different pair of shoes every game and thinking that was ridiculous yeah i heard that too and i and like those are expensive shoes yeah they're like over a hundred dollars at least a hundred i mean he probably gets a discount yeah because they've got his face he's got his uh silhouette on them um here well like some of the cars that jay leno owns are like old uh like steam powered cars and old uh fire engines and things like does he drive a fire engine to work some days yes he does and he has i've seen him that's i know one of them is like one of one of those train cars that just has two guys on either side raising and lowering the –

You should see Dave right now. He's doing the pumping action. You can't not look like you're humping yourself. Or punching yourself in the garage. Punching yourself in the balls. So – and then backstage, I've seen a lot of interpretations of what the backstage of a talk show looks like. How close is, say, like the Larry Sanders show interpretation? Oh, same.

Yeah. Yeah? So it's basically... Hallways with empty rooms with couches in them. And it's just like this branching off halls. Like, you ever go in an audition and they take you in a room full of little cubicles on your way to the audition yeah yeah it's like that it's like instead of cubicles though the cubicles reach the ceiling

and um it's really boring it's really i was expecting to see pictures of Johnny Carson all over the walls and Jay Leno all over the walls and all sorts of celebrities. And not so much Conan O'Brien. And not so much Conan. Maybe like two. Where do you keep your Conans? Yeah. First day, last day.

Yeah. Nothing. No, they don't really pepper the walls with anything but art. Stink-a-roo. And, which is totally, you know, fine. I just, you know, a little things. Yeah, it's a bit of a, in a way, a little bit of a letdown. It, anything, I feel like anything awesome that I can ever say that I did was a little

bit of a letdown. Oh, really? Well, because it's like this magic. When you see TV, it's magic. And then when you go behind the scenes, it's like you're seeing the tricks. Yeah, that's true. You see the studio without any people in it. And then you're like, oh, my God.

I remember when I saw this on TV, there was thousands. It looked like thousands of people. And then you're seeing it empty. And then you take a picture of Jay's desk. And you look at it through your camera. And you're like, oh, my god, there's nobody on this Jay's not there Did you sit behind the desk?

Yeah, I sat They told me I wasn't allowed to go there so I didn't until he called me over but yeah, I wanted to sit in his chair, but there's a lot of rules so many rules We were talking a while ago to a past guest Peter peter oldring who

was on the george lopez yeah to his set and he said uh they kept anytime they didn't need him they kept shuffling him off to catering that seemed to be where he would they would dump him whenever did you how was it like meat platter anything like that you know what's funny i brought i didn't have anyone to bring because it was so last minute. That's kind of a downer. I was in the corner. I would have invited a homeless guy in that was hanging around the outside. I did.

I invited my agent. No, I'm kidding. Last minute, so I asked my girlfriend. She wanted to bring anybody. And so she brought two of her friends. And they got all dressed up and they rocked the green room. We stole

everything. We ate everything. Stole some art off the wall. One of them, Marnie, was just down the hall getting to know everybody. She brought her own iPod and plugged it into the limo and was actually DJing in the limo. She really was like like i don't care

if you're going on i'm going to do the tonight show how i would do it and uh i mean i walked in the green room and all the food was gone the fruit platter was gone who are the other guests uh mark walberg and then a music guest oh here's here's a good story okay so back to the beginning the reason they asked me to be on hold and not and not tell me was because they were trying to get the super bowl winning quarterback oh but they didn't know who that would be till the super bowl was over so they wouldn't know till the day of right and i think he went on letterman and so that was what happened yeah that's exactly what happened and so they called me me, and I was coming. I was super excited. What they didn't tell me was not only did they not get him,

he was going on their Mortal Enemies show, the late show. So they're going to take it out on you. Right. So when I get there, I'm super excited, but I noticed sort of there's definitely an energy in the room where there's just some people who aren't happy. So as soon as I get in there i could i could feel i felt great and then i figured it out someone told me that he's doing the late show and i was like oh and then i started to piece it together in my mind my whole walk in and you know here's the thing i've always wondered is what when person goes to the chair to sit with Jay and then they go to commercial, what are they talking about?

Yeah. So that was really cool for me is when they went to commercial and I was sitting next to them, I'm like, what are we going to talk about? Right? We talked about nothing. It was like an awkward dance with a girl that you just asked to dance and you you were trying to get to know her, and all she wants to do is dance. All she wants to do. And you're like, hey, what's your name? And they're like, what?

I said, what's your name? Jay Leno. I'm the host. Yeah. That was my train parked outside. I'm having a great time. What? I said I'm having a great time. Oh? I said I'm having a great time.

There's a band going the whole time. Yeah, dude. And he's just not interested. And part of me is like, what a jerk. But then I realized Aaron Rodgers is supposed to be sitting here. Right. The Super Bowl winning quarterback. Like I am an interesting guest here.

Sure. Did you offer to throw some passes? Jay, you want to run some routes? And he just had Mark Wahlberg for two segments. It was just got nominated for seven. His movie got nominated for seven Oscars. So I could feel like my green room experience was like that with him, my little talk with him in the green room.

And then his Mark Wahlberg, I could hear them in the next room, and they were really talking. You know, of course I know who I am. I'm not Mark Wahlberg. But a little part of me was like, oh, I wish he could. But you're more entertaining than Aaron Rodgers would be. Yeah, that's true. He's pretty boring. Yeah.

Well, and also, is Mark Wahlberg that great of a guy? Yeah! Oh, sorry. No, no, no. I mean, yeah. I agree with you. Like, I think he's, yes, he's more famous, but that's about, I think that's about it. Like, I don't think...

Yeah, I don't think he's like a magnetic, charming guy. Like, if there was like a George Clooney there or Bruce Willis, then you'd be like, good! Yeah, I like... These guys are great! A famous guy who's got a ton of great stories. Yeah. Yeah. But Marky Mark just knows about the funky bunch.

They grew up in the same neighborhood, apparently, which is hilarious. Those two. But so. Hey, have you seen the town yet? Yeah,

it's just like my life. There's some interesting things like so watching him do work on his monologue before and just you know he's in his jean shirt right he's got a closet full of them yeah he loves the denim

I picture that outfit it looks like it's two pieces but I like to imagine it's just one. Like Michael Jordan, he wears a new one every day. He does. He throws it away. Throwing it away before the show. He throws it into the audience. I wonder if he's ever donated an autographed denim shirt to a charity auction or something. And how much did it get?

Or does he not know how much of a staple that is? Some people just don't realize that, oh... Oh, I wear this every day. And how much did it get? Or does he not know how much of a staple that is? You know, like some people just don't realize that, oh. Oh, I wear this every day. I wear this every day. They know that? He's got like a whole closet of other outfits, but that he always goes for the exact same one. Yeah. And today I will pick, oh, it feels like a denim shirt day.

What's the weather outside? 72 degrees? Okay. Denim shirt. Denim long sleeve. Now, I'm still, you know, I really, I want to take a page from Marnie's book. And that's, the next time I'm on a TV thing, I'm just going to do it like she did. Just enjoy the whole, just enjoy it she rocked it yeah she's we i

mean was it weird was anyone else enjoying it like because everyone else was working yeah no she was it was funny because they were everyone was working and uh i have people just follow me to the set so when i'm about to go on they actually said when i first worked the set they're like it's a minute too long. You got to cut your closer. And I was like, okay, that sucks. And then they go, but you can do your closer when you sit down with Jay. He'll set you up.

And I was like, I get to talk to Jay at the table or the seat? And they're like, yeah. And then we'll have another story after that because not having the Super Bowl quarterback, we need more time. Right. So we worked out stories. story after that because not having the super bowl quarterback we need more time right so we worked out stories i had a story about um a gig i did up in rocky mountain house oh really and so we were gonna i had all this content that apparently we were gonna do i want to hear this story about this rocky mountain house now uh lachlan i hear you were uh recently in rocky mountain so then i'm all excited and I'm about to go on stage.

And just like we had talked about before when you're on a plane and they say watch your step, they have a guy whose job it is to tell you to watch your step. And he tells you how many steps. And there's a guy who holds up a sign that says 30 seconds. I mean, they really micromanage there. Wow, I want to be in that union. Yeah, I'm the 30-second guy. I tell you how many steps there are.

Still 12. It's a recovery program. He goes, it's a one, then a one-two, and then a one. Oh. And if you watch it, you can see me. I did everything they did. Make sure you point to Jay. He likes that.

And make sure you point to the band. Because if you get on their side, then they'll laugh with you. And it makes the crowd see them laugh. And they're explaining how the actual happiness works yeah it's like point to Jay as you're coming out make sure you let Jay give him some sort of indication

give the leader of the band Ricky Miner some indication and then there's a spot you gotta hit as opposed to do they think you're not happy to be there like oh Jay's real sensitive oh the band is a unit they're animals Do they think you're not happy to be there? Like, oh, Jay's real sensitive. Oh, the band is a unit.

They're animals. You can't show any fear. Everyone's a jerk or something if you don't say something to them. Hey, what's this guy? He didn't point at me. Somebody just starts playing the trombone during your set. Why's he doing that? He didn't point to him.

You didn't point to the trombonist? He was told the rules. You gotta wave to the trombonist? He was told the rules. You got away with the trombone guy? It's like when you meet the queen. Yeah, it's exactly like that. Like I imagine someone says, remember when you meet the queen, not to look at her in the face or something. Don't turn your back on her. Don't hold the nickel up to her head and go, yep. And then, so when you watch, if you watch it, I point and I point.

And then I can't find the mark, so I go, and I actually point to the ground. Before I start my set, I point it, I go like this, I go like that. If you play it, you can see me go, oh, there it is. Thanks to Jay for having me, thanks for the band for the support, thanks for the ground for always being there for me. What up, gravity? So right before I'm about to go on, they go, okay, so do your time. Have a good time. He's going to hold up 30 seconds.

And then I think he put his hand up to his ear or something. And you're not going to do any panel. So we don't have enough time. So right before I go on, there's sadness. But make sure you still go over and sit down next to him and and uh and then you're gonna get up and shake uh you're gonna get up and watch the band play with him it was uh james blunt and then you're gonna meet james blunt and his and his and his band so we did the blunt tones and i got it was funny because i got in uh i in, I didn't know where to shake James Blunt's hand. So I'm going in front of Jay and the camera's on us.

And I'm like, oh, that's, no, there's the camera. Okay. I was like such an idiot. You just start pointing at the floor again. There it is. Yeah. Now, like, so you never got to tell your Rocky Mountain house story. No.

Can we hear the story? How was he going to set you up? So you're Canadian. You must be on the road a lot. What's that like? Yeah. And then he just falls asleep. He was just so uninterested in me.

But he's such a nice guy that I can understand why. I'm not Aaron Rodgers. I wouldn't want to talk to him. And it's my first time. For him, it's like, I don't really talk to the comics until it's like the third or fifth. Right. So I accepted that this is probably as good as it gets, which is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's amazing. Yeah, and you're downselling it, but you were on the Tonight Show. Yeah, thanks, buddy. it's amazing yeah and you're down selling it but you were on the tonight show yeah that's funny 99 of the people who uh most people aren't aren't huge comedy fans like we are but so for the general public like they'll just say oh have you been on a night show yeah and if you haven't oh whatever but if you have wow yeah you are in the elite i guess say that you're like you'll that's the thing is no matter what for your entire career like you know if you ever have kids or whatever or you know you have all these uh nieces and a nephew you can say i was on that legendary show think

about your bio all right you guys stop it think about the lowest thing on your bio you can knock that off now and put tonight show up top that gig at Rocky Mountain House can be knocked off I can take that off now XM radio is going to get knocked off I can finally take I can finally take laugh attack off

we're just joking thanks everyone at laugh attack for your support so so yeah no you're right it is a really i'm very i was in court uh disputing a traffic violation when i texted i checked my turn my phone on it said get ready it looks like you're gonna be on and that was at like 11 o'clock a.m and they shoot shoot, and I'm supposed to be picked up at 2. Oh, day of.

Day of. Ran out of the courthouse, briefcase opens, paper fly everywhere. Yeah, I wear a briefcase to traffic court. I dress up like I'm going to be alone. I've got recordings. I've got documents. I've got photos. This is objection, Your Honor.

This is traffic court. What I did want to say though they she came up she talked so fast because they have like 100 people to go through in court so she's like Lachlan Patterson you're charged with this how do you plead I said guilty and uh because I was just disputing the fine was massive it was a thousand dollars and she goes okay uh I'll waive the missed uh date, which is mostly fine, $150. Can you pay that right now? And I said, yes.

And deep down, I wanted to go, yes, I'll use my Tonight Show money that I'm going to be on right now. I wanted to turn around and say that, but I was worried that she'd start slamming the gavel. She's like, I've been on the Tonight Show as well. Yeah, I was one of the dancing eaters i think you should have brought your uh your girlfriend's fun friends to court yeah yeah made a cool mix marnie would like to say something to the jury she's awesome she's my yeah she's my girl's she's gonna steal some sugar packets i don't think you can have a name like marnie and not assign yourself to a life of having fun.

If you guys... Seems like a fun person coming. I've got a couple cousins. Oh, not great Marnies? They're great Marnies, but they're not like party animals. They're not party Marnies. Yeah. Find Marnie Castor on Facebook and add her and look at her videos.

They're hilarious. Okay, listeners. She's funny. Someone's going to get a bunch of new friends this week. Yeah, Marnie cast herself. She's inter-famous. Yeah, she's fantastic. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Well, nothing. Weren't you on? Yes, Dave. Jimmy Kimmel? Oh, he pulled out his notebook. I was on streaming radio. Jimmy Kimmel? Oh, he pulled out his notebook.

I was on streaming radio. Well, there's one thing that I noticed on TV that looks like it's going to be awful. Oh, yeah. And I really wanted to share it. It's this new TV show on NBC called America's Next Great Restaurant. Oh, I was really hoping that that was America's Next Great Wrestler. I was like, Dave, wait, this sounds great. Yeah.

I don't really know. I think it's a reality show, obviously. What if it wasn't? It's scripted? It's a sitcom? It's a drama. It's Law and Order. Restaurant unit But it was just the one thing

That really caught my ear In the commercial for it Was Super Chef Bobby Flay Super Chef, I love that term How do you get that? It's like Rocker Tommy Lee Bad boy chef Are you a chef now?

I'm a super chef. He may be one of the Iron Chefs. Is he? Is that the plural? Yeah, Iron Chefs. But he's in the commercial. And I think the whole premise of the show is balancing on what he says. And it's, everybody sometime in their life has had a great

idea for a restaurant. Really? No! I've had plenty of bad ideas for restaurants. Yeah, I've had some bad ones. Putting protein in all the food and supplements in all my food. Sorry, a restaurant full of food with supplements. Sure, yeah.

My friend in junior high had an idea that a restaurant a whole restaurant based around it looking like a bathroom and then what do you say excuse me where's your kitchen oh yeah the actual bathroom looks like a kitchen that's not bad the toilets are all like the girl's kitchen or the boy's kitchen? Instead of urinals, they have pizza ovens. And they're flaming. Just give them a sizzle. I like it.

That's a good one. Well, I guess he's right. Everybody has hit a great... Yeah, me too. That's a good... But that is such a weird... Does he believe that? That everyone in their life has had a great idea for a restaurant

he's just reading some dumb script that somebody wrote but no that's so not like um true yeah it's not a universal thing it's like no that's something a lot a lot of restaurateurs absolutely it's pretty vague and the other thing is how rich are they that they can just afford to like make a restaurant and have it fail and go, Oh, sorry, didn't work. Tune in next week when we open another restaurant. Oh, you think every week they open a... I imagine it's...

I don't know how that show could possibly work. I don't know how it will run. I imagine it's like 12 competitors. They each get to open a restaurant. And they close one of them a week. It costs like millions of dollars to open a restaurant. Yeah. That's going to be an expensive contest. Well, speaking of like weird

kind of phrases attached to a TV show, there's the new spinoff of The Biggest Loser that's about fat couples that are going to get married. It's called Sh called shedding for the wedding oh and uh i do like a good name i like a rhyme one of the taglines in it was uh one of the guys saying in the you know one of those confessional videos if we don't lose this weight

i don't know if there's going to be a wedding i'm like you don't have there's no size requirement on weddings. There should be. That'd be funny if your wedding agreement stipulates you have to lose the weight or we're not getting married. I think that's what these couples have done. It's a really bad deal for everybody involved. Yeah, sure. That's just a shallow... We just wanted to get married. Like, why do we have to lose weight?

Sorry. We like each other. The guy got engaged to get married. Why do we have to lose weight? We like each other. The size... The guy got engaged to the gal. Not with the promise of her losing 200 pounds. That's what the ring came with. Will you marry me? Happy losing 200 pounds.

Maybe the wedding will be catered by the next great restaurant. The all-protein restaurant. The all-protein restaurant. The all-protein supplement nutrition restaurant. Carrie's bathroom restaurant. Can I get a protein shake and a filet mignon? Can I get one of the urinal pucks? I know they're really crab cakes, but they're dyed blue. The bathroom restaurant.

My sister is on The Last Ten Pounds, which is a... Boot camp? Yeah. You know that one? Yeah. What's the name? Tommy? Tommy Gunn.

Tommy Orlando. He's got a great last name, whatever it is. It is. It's like Orlando or... Not Orlando. It is. It's like a place. It's like Tommy Michigan or something like that.

Oh, yeah. Tommy Bahamas? Oh, I will never know. Yeah, but he's... I met that guy. Did you? Around women, they like him a lot

because I think he puts them down. But he's like a macho guy. He puts them down just enough that they move forward. What's that called in the game? The Tommy Michigan maneuver. Because there's peacocking. That's when you dress up crazy.

And then there's something where you put down the woman a little bit. Oh, being a fuckwad. It's being the worst. That's what it is. It's a horrible strategy. Yeah, but it works for him. And then you give them a dumb trivia fact.

Yeah. They'll be like, did you know I was... I was named by Michigan? I was named after the place? Tell me Michigan. What is his last name? Oh, well. We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out in the break. Hey, Graham. Yeah? What's going on with you? Well, and continuing on this line of things I saw on television that I think are, they've missed the boat on something. There's an ad I saw this very morning for a movie with Vanessa... Hudgens? Hudgens.

Thank you. I knew you wouldn't forget the last name Williams. Yeah. Vanessa Michigan. And it's, it's, I think it's supposed to be like a play on beauty and the beast. It's called beastly or bestiality.

I think it's beastly. Okay. That's too bad. But the, the prologue and the, the ad was this guy is really, he's really shallow and he's just about good looks and he gets cursed with tattoos on his face or something. And then he finally, you know, the girl that he never noticed all of a sudden becomes his one hope. I'm like, the model? The international model was the one that you were overlooking?

The beautiful teen star? Teen sensation? The Neutrogena spokesperson? I love that you said he was cursed with tattoos on his face. Like he didn't mean to do it. No, he does. He gets hit by lightning magic, and then he's got tattoos on his face and no hair. Like powder.

Yeah, like powder. So this didn't really happen. This isn't reality. This isn't a documentary? No. All right, cool. No,. Yeah, like powder. So this didn't really happen. This isn't reality. This isn't a documentary? No. All right, cool. No, it's a reality show. And then he has to make America's next great restaurant.

And the other thing that happened this week, Dave and I both were at a surprise birthday party for past guest Kevin Lee. And that's the first surprise party I've been a part of. Have you ever? Yeah, I think in my life. Yeah, I've never been invited to one. Like, I've been invited to ones, and I haven't been able to make it. So this was the first time, like, I made it, and the surprise worked. And, yeah, have you ever?

I was at a surprise wedding proposal oh my god and i ruined it but you ruined it i i almost i was standing right behind they put a blindfold on her at the end of the party and the guy got down on one knee and he opened up his little ring and then i go i'm right behind her and i go oh my god they're not married yet oh because they had it was a baby shower slash surprise so your kid's a bastard and nobody heard me somehow except like the people i know and they punched me and i realized what a moron i was i'm like please please when you open your eyes act surprised oh man i've uh i've i i think i've been to a few when i was a

kid i like or i don't know how i guess not a kid because you never just surprise a kid a kid's expecting a birthday party not to be hacky but andicky, but guys never plan surprise parties. No. That's true. It seems like women always lead the charge on them. Yeah. So you were there, your first one. Yeah. And the most fun part of the whole party was when the couple of minutes that we were all hiding.

That was the most fun. Because it's that one time in life where you're not supposed to be making jokes and making any noise. And then everything's super funny. Right. Like a funeral. So every little joke. I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral. Me too.

That's funny. And of course, it was at a bar. And one of the waiters comes through the door as we're all hiding. and people get their hopes up, and no, it's just the waiter. Oh, you gotta have one of those. Yeah. You gotta have one of those. Oh, it's only Steve. Steve.

Classic Steve. What? But it was, yeah, that was, I don't think I've laughed so much at just nothing. They were just like little, tiny, like anybody who said anything was the funniest person ever in that two minutes. How can we recreate that in a comedy room? Sure. Yeah. We should tell everybody there that it's a surprise for one person.

And then the comic just makes jokes while you're waiting. Yeah, and we just an hour of waiting. The comic whispers jokes. Yeah. No microphone, just whispers jokes and everybody has a good time. Oh, we crush. Hey, is anyone from out of town? But actually, we never got used to his story.

Oh, yeah, Rocky Mountain House. Okay. Come on. Here we go. Here it is. Now, when I used to tell the story about this, it was really good. And I was prepared to tell it, and I was like, it's not going to be as funny. Anyway, Rocky Mountain House, you know, is an oil sands capital of Alberta. So oil fields.

I've never heard of it, actually. Yeah, it's not. There's one hotel. It's up north. It's in the middle of nowhere. It's up north. And this is a corporate gig for Christmas, their Christmas party. And the company was called Sierra

Trucking, I think. So these guys drive around in little vacuum trucks and they suck all the dirt which has oil in it and they filter out the dirt and they keep the oil and they're making millions and millions and millions of dollars. And when you're 18 years old, you can get a job working on these trucks and you can make like 70 grand a year from the first day you start. It's insane the money that is going into this town with nothing, right? So these people have all this money, and they have nothing to spend it on except their truck and their fridge. So they're salt of the earth, jeans t-shirts smoking drinking people jean shirts like jaylen a lot of jean shirts yeah and so when i get to the gig it's like 30 people in a room

and they're all hammered and they're massive trucker people and uh but so the woman comes out to me and she goes lachlan great, great to have you. This is my crew. It's a woman. She's the boss. I got you a microphone. I look at the microphone and it says Radio Shack on it. And the microphone, it's a cordless microphone. And then there's like a little plastic thing

that they plug into the wall with a little antenna, like your home phone has, with a little speaker on it. So it's like a speaker like your phone would have. And I was like, this won't work. And she goes, yeah, I know. We've been having some trouble getting it to work. Why don't you just not use it? And I'm like, well, I can't not use it because in comedy, if you take away my microphone,

I am no longer of any respect to the audience. I'm their equal and they will talk to me while, you know, so I'm going to hold the mic and I'm going to give it a shot and they're wasted. And all right, ladies and gentlemen, uh, you guys,

we've got comedian here for you. Woo. All right. So keep it down. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, LaShlan Peterson. And then I was like, hey, guys. You know, this is like 10 years ago, so I have like a half hour and I'm stretching for an hour. So, hey, guys, what's up?

Get rid of that microphone. It's stupid. We can't hear you oh come on guys get rid of it so i don't i get rid of it i put it down i guess and then i start telling my jokes every single joke i set up they yell out what they think the punchline should be oh man yeah like my girlfriend just broke up with me whoa that's because you're a stupid fucking idiot it's pretty nice oh they were so rude i've never been heckled so much and the woman who runs this is it's her it's her company she's like shut shut up like she's yelling at them for me which is basically just more heckling yeah so they're just cross heckling you shut up no you shut up all right cool so next joke and this was so bad and they were talking so much that there is a point i don't and i'm sure you guys had where

you're telling jokes and nobody's listening that you just say i'm just gonna roll through my jokes yeah yeah go through my set and they can yell at me and i'll i'll try to be nice and be like oh yeah that's really funny is that your wife cool so they're enjoying the beer great fantastic and i'm just kind of doing this and doing this and they're yelling and the woman's yelling shut up because she can see i'm miserable and no one's listening so finally at, about half an hour into the set, she stands up and she goes, everyone shut the fuck up.

Next person who speaks is gone. And I'm not talking about gone from the Christmas party. This happens every year. You did this to the comedian last year. I'm sick of it. I didn't pay good money to have this guy come down here. And you guys waste his time. This is it. I'm sick of it i didn't i didn't pay good money to have this guy come down here and you guys waste his time this is it i'm sick of you guys wow yeah it was really awkward it was really scary and everyone was quiet whoa so then i said okay and then i went kind of back into it slowly and then talking again talking again everyone's

yelling and talking like they didn't listen for more than they were scared for a minute and now they're not and then she just stands up and she again she goes again all right that's it next person who says two fucking words is out of here and then this kid this 17 year old kid yells out yeah everyone shut the fuck up and he's been doing all the talking and he's hammered and she walks right up and stands right next to him and she goes that means you i think his name was donnie that means you donnie yeah donnie say two more words no she she goes say one more word motherfucker And she's standing over him. Wow. And everyone is quiet. I have backed up into the corner of the room.

I'm so scared. Because she's Samuel L. Jackson-ing the situation. Totally. Say one word, motherfucker. And he's scared. Everyone's scared. Everyone's like, don't say anything, dude. And he goes, I'm sorry.

But to her, that was two fucking words. So she grabs him and she pushes him and says, get the fuck out. Get out and don't come back. And he gets up and he grabs his jacket because it's the middle of winter and it's freezing. And he goes outside and it's really sad. It's like we're all saying goodbye to him forever. Oh, man. And it was really, really awkward.

And I was in the corner. And the only thing I remember thinking in my head was, well, at least it's over. At least the show's over. Wait for it. So then she goes, and then she looks at everyone else, and everyone else is so sad. She's the only person that's not sad.

And she goes, anybody else have anything to say? Nothing, right? Okay, good. Lachlan, you may continue. Lachlan, you may continue. Yeah, Lachlan, you may continue continue and so I go okay cool all right so then I keep going and and they keep talking it's unbelievable these people are just absolutely the biggest morons I look at her and she goes, she puts her hands up like,

what else can I do? I can't fire everybody. So then I close early and I say, good night, everybody. And then I sit down next to her. She hands me a beer. I drink half of it in one sip. And she goes, I'm so sorry. We'd love to have you back next year.

And then right as I took another sip, I could hear her go. I hear her in behind us. Oh, God. Yeah. Like a clapping coming. And then everyone stands up and starts clapping again. And I'm like, you assholes that you're trying to clap for me now. And then they start yelling encore.

Dude, encore, go to hell, right? Are you kidding me? You just ruined my day, my everything. I'm miserable. Donnie's outside crying. His mom is actually beating the shit out of him in the parking lot

because that's family's money, right uh and uh then she stands up and she goes everyone shut the fuck up in my head i'm like yeah tell him and she's like let lachlan finish his beer before he comes back and then he'll come back oh do more jokes for you like she just gave them the like don't worry he's coming yeah yeah so everyone chill out he will definitely be back yeah oh and he promised me he's coming back next year too oh man unbelievable man that was miserable so i got up and i did another five minutes of jokes i haven't done in years and then i got the hell out of there oh man uh that's a good story yeah thanks yeah it was a great story you would have been bleeped on leno yeah yeah there's a lot of swears in there but you know what the donnie part really uh it brought a lot of swears in there. But you know what? The Donnie part really brought a lot of human element into the story for me.

I'm sorry is not... You're supposed to keep your mouth shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say one more word, motherfucker. I dare you. I double dog dare you. Isn't that what he said? Also, try not to be a drunk 17-year-old in a bar.

Were they not checking IDs? It's Alberta, man. I know, I know. Rules are different. What was that accent? Oh, did I do an accent? You sounded like Ringo Starr. You're from Calgary, right?

Yes. Okay, cool. That's how we say rules are different in our province. Well, do we want to move on to a little bit of business? Yes. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day.

You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got to do some more. Take care of business. All right, business. Business. Now, we have a commercial message.

Commercial message, sorry. And this one comes from a listener named Luke Black. And what they're doing is they're raising funds. They're Canadian filmmakers, and they're trying to make a short film. And it's very difficult to raise money to make a film, short or otherwise. I know this from uh first-hand experience so uh they're they're advertising that they are actively raising funds for their film it's called uni yeah and uh it's a comic satire about uh this kind of movement that's been going on where

they have these conversion camps for uh homosexual people where they say like oh we can turn you back to straight like the natural state of you is straight so you've gone astray we're gonna put you back your thetan levels are all wrong yeah and these are real things they're real things that exist do they still exist oh yeah absolutely do they exist now more than ever in the state uh the states and i'm sure they're here in canada as well i don't know specifically in canada but uh there yeah it's a big movement it's rooted in kind of the uh right wing christian oh is it ethos yeah i know you would think it would be uh libertarian well i don't think libertarian's the right word anyway um and this film they've already lined up a star a star who we know uh firsthand we've actually touched this

guy in real life uh a guy who's been on this episode this episode this show yeah uh on multiple episodes thrice at least thrice at least. Maybe four. The ads information said three times, but I don't know if they're counting the one with Debra. Oh, I think they're also thinking that he's a triple threat. Right. Sure. Singer, dancer, pot smoker. But it's Darcy Michael, a very funny comedian from out here in British Columbia. Also a gay.

An unconverted gay. Uncle Ben's unconverted gays. And he plays somebody by his own name, Darcy, a young man who loves nothing more than to dress up as a unicorn. Now, we got a little confused here, because Darcy, last time he was on the show, he talked about filming a movie, a feature film

about LARPing. Yes. Live action role playing in which he plays a guy dressed up as a unicorn. Yeah, so we're afraid of our friend getting typecast but you know what? I'm behind this because once you find a type in Hollywood you can be

a character actor. You can be a Bus hollywood you can be a character actor you can be a buscemi yeah you can be a pusselweight uh you can darcy michael will be that unicorn guy yeah yeah oh that guy in the unicorn movies um now here's what people get if they donate to this uh to this film project the basic satisfaction of helping out that's fantastic they also can get cool gifts uh that include buttons t-shirts copies of the finished film darcy michaels comedy album you're gay now uh and uh the gifts vary based on donation level i don't know what the strata is yeah it's all on their website and the website is indiegogo.com slash uni that's where you go to donate and that's indie i-n-d-i-e yes uh g-o-g-o dot c-o-m slash forward u-n-i

um and yeah i just think that's a really cool thing it is really uh having been through the ropes of uh of trying to get a short film oh i thought you meant having been through the ropes of gay conversion camp it worked on you yeah yeah exactly i'm uh i really feel good uh don't don't like men's butts at all anymore um at all what about spider-man have you seen those stills from the set? Yeah, he looks great. Andrew Garfield. Yeah. He hates Mondays. Sure.

Lasagna butt. Yeah, he's got a real lasagna butt. But I think this is a really cool thing. I know I probably will donate myself, actually. I always like to see people who are, you know, just, let's just do it. Let's try and get the money and and try and put it together and make it happen and i think it's a cool topic it's satire that's it's something is ripe for satire um these conversion camps are the most ridiculous goddamn thing in the world

and uh like i mean if they had gay like converting people to gay conversion camps there would be like a civil war in the states if there was somebody doing the right well certainly if half the government supported that but i don't think any official government supports either side of well you know the liberal media dave uh but yeah no absolutely i think on fox news they they claim that there are gay conversion camps too gay this is real topical stuff i said fox news anyways the website again if you want to uh be a part of this uh this cool short film starring darcy michael called uh uni you can go to indiegogo.com slash uni i-n-d-i-e-g-o-g-o dot com and uh thanks a lot for listening And if you would like to advertise on the show, you just email Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

Did I mumble that? Teresa at MaximumFun.org, and she will work something out with you. Yeah. The going rates are $150 for a business message and $100 for a personal message. And yeah, well, do you want to go on overheard? Sure do. Overheard. Overheards.

A segment du jour and every jour whenever we do the podcast. And we like to start always with the guest. Do you have an overheard? Sorry, I refreshed my memory. Okay, an overheard is, you know, something you would hear maybe in a checkout line or, you know, just something you've heard other people saying that you find hilarious. You found funny. Dave can go first.

Yeah, we can skip you. And then I'll go. We'll come back to you if you... Okay, I'm sure I can think of one. Usually we try to brief the guest before, but I guess... It's a good overheard. I, we can skip you. And then I'll go. We'll come back to you if you... Okay. I'm sure I can think of one. Usually we try to brief the guest before, but I guess we forgot. So mine is from

a grocery store, and there was a young dad who was carrying a baby, like a toddler, and he's just trying to keep the chatter going. I guess it's it's uh you know your kid only has so much composure and uh so he's just he's walking around at a brisk

pace picking up groceries as he goes talking to the kid at all times and uh just as he was passing me by i just uh heard this 100 cottage cheese cottage cheese topping. There it is. Make it so. Beautiful. Get her done. So many slogans! Yeah, he just has to keep it going. Just gotta keep a rhythm. Like a radio DJ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just no dead air in my conversations.

I like that he used get her done to close. Sure, yeah. You gotta. And they were all... There's no following get her done. Well, they were all three syllables. Get her done. Make it so.

Beautiful. There it is. Cottage cheese. Cottage cheese. What did he say about the cottage cheese again? It was beautiful. 100% a real cottage cheese topping. I forget what I said.

Ew. Is this fake cottage cheese? But a cottage cheese topping. I forget what I said. Ew. Is this fake cottage cheese? But a cottage cheese topping. Something you put on your cottage cheese. Or you don't eat this cottage cheese as cottage cheese. This is only to be enjoyed on top of an ice cream sundae. Cheese topping. It's a good one.

Mine comes courtesy of... There's this one train stop uh that i get out at and there there used to be like a there's kind of an area people walk through a back alley to get to the train it's a fast route and uh often there's people standing around there smoking and so you can always hear their conversation as you're walking up the side of the exit. And so these guys, they were beat. Freestyle rapping. Beatboxing. One guy was beatboxing.

They were beatniks. They might as well have been. One guy was beatboxing. One guy was freestyle rapping. And the only rhyme I heard was, sometimes we smoke dope just like the Pope. And then I came around the corner and they both stopped doing it. That's great. Super embarrassed. I feel like seeing someone rapping in public is something you would only see in a movie from the 80s.

Yeah. A la Teen Witch. Yeah. Or anything set in the gritty part of any inner city. This is where they put down cardboard boxes and breakdance and freestyle rap. Rap speaks the truth, too. And a lot of times I'll learn things from listening to rap. Did you know that the Pope smokes dope?

I did not know that the Pope smoked dope until I heard that. And apparently he smokes a lot. Yeah. Well, there is a... I've seen stickers with pictures of the old Pope smoking drugs. You know, photoshopped. Oh. But I just don't think, I think stoners just aren't very creative.

What rhymes with dope? I don't know, pope? Pope, dope. Should we make it sound like when I smoke dope, I feel like the pope? No, he smoked dope. Yeah. When I smoke dope, I like to grope. How about that?

That's pretty good. Do you smoke dope, I like to grope. How about that? That's pretty good. Do you smoke dope? Nope. Is there like a hemp soap that people call dope soap? Dope soap on a rope? Or hope? Because it's hemp. I hope this is dope soap on a rope.

Like the pope. Nope. So did that inspire anything in the overheard oeuvre? It's not an overheard if you're like... There's no rules here. In 153 episodes, we've bent them all. Between shows, I went up to my room and I came down. And on the 15th floor, a girl came into the elevator with her pants, but only one rung was...

The belt was just through the front rung loop and then just on the ground. And then her ankle, her jeans were soaked at the ankles and, uh, she gets in and she doesn't push a floor. And then we just start going and I turn and I go, what floor would you like? And she goes six really slowly. And I turn and I go, what floor would you like? And she goes, six, really slowly.

And I go, I push the six just in time. And it stops and it opens and she doesn't get out. And I go, and then I go, are you getting out? And she goes, no. And then it closes and it goes down a little further and i go so what floor would you like and she goes seven and i go you know if i push seven it's gonna take a while to get to it because we passed it so i press seven it shouldn't say anything so i press seven like okay and then i go are you okay? And she goes, no.

And I go, where do you want to go? And she goes, I want to go home. Wow. Which is really sad, right? Yeah. So I go, look. Donnie? Look.

Yeah. I said, look, let me put you in a cab. I'll pay for it. You can go anywhere you want to go. Where do you want to go? And she goes, seven. So I go, okay. And I push the seven at that point, I remember.

And then my floor opens at lower lobby. And I go, before I get out, I go, look, is everything okay? And she goes, I don't want to ruin your night oh wow wow so i go okay thanks i got a show to do you know i would have said too late yeah oh man that was pretty sad and then so hopefully she made it home yeah here's here's hoping. Or at least a seven. At least a seven. That was really weird. I like that you referred to her belt loops as rungs, like she's wearing a ladder. I don't know what it is.

It's not a rung, it's a loop. Rungs are the things on the ladder. Okay. I just, it sounds like... Yeah, no, I knew what you meant, but I kind of need to make you know you're wrong. Yeah. Thank you. That's how Dave builds himself up, by tearing others down. Yeah, you're wrong wrong.

Well, thank... Dope? Nope. Thanks for letting me tell a story that wasn't an overheard. It was a great story, though. Thank you for making the time for it. There was a good overheard that I read about Mubarak. Oh, yeah. I didn't copy about Mubarak. Oh, yeah.

I didn't copy and paste that one. I didn't like it as much as the other ones. No, I did. Trust me, these ones are great. Did you guys watch the protests? Did you really look at the pictures? Oh, yeah. Do you see what they put in the air? In the air?

Yeah, what they hold in their hand. You know how here we make signs? They hold their shoes. Like, you know how here we make signs? Okay. Not in Egypt. They hold their shoes. Shoes, yeah. Why? I don't know, but that's... Well, I think it's like the guy throwing his shoe at George W. Bush. It's the ultimate insult in the Middle East, in the Arab world, because a shoe is like

a thing that walks on the ground and it walks in garbage or whatever. Like a thing that walks on the ground and it walks in garbage or whatever. So if you hold your shoe up to somebody, it's one of the big insults. It's like giving the finger. Yeah. Did they hold it up with their bathroom hand or their eating hand? Probably bathroom hand, I'm guessing. It's like a double insult when you hold it up with your bathroom hand.

Speaking of which, where did all those protesters go to the bathroom? Think about it. I don't want an answer on that, but I just want to raise consciousness. Oh, the Nile. Oh, come on now. What? That's true. Was it the Euphrates or the Tigris?

Was it up the Sphinx's nose? We also have overheard sent in to us by listeners, bumpers if you will. If you want to send them in, stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com. And this first one comes from Richard A. I work in a middle school and caught this gem in the hallway. Boy one, I know what I'm going to do when I turn 18. Boy two, oh yeah. Boy one, Get a dog.

Once I'm legal. Yeah. That guy's shooting for the stars. It's such a practical plan. Well, yeah, and you can't get a dog license if you're a minor. Is that true? No, I have no idea. It's a legal document. You can't engage in a legal document with a minor. I know that. You have to take your dog test. It's a legal document. You can't engage in a legal document with a minor.

I know that. You have to take your dog test. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. They bring out a sample dog. They let you pet it. Yeah. If you pet it backwards and make his hair all stick up.

Well, you have six months, a learner's permit with a sample dog. And on the test, if you screw up, they grab your hand. They're like, ah, sorry. Don't get away from the dog. Will you be testing on a manual or an automatic? A spaniel or an automatic? Pretty good. Not bad.

I always want to know, did you guys fail your driver's tests? Yes. I failed mine. Yeah. I got so few demerits. I kicked ass. I had to take my California one. And it's really weird taking your driver's test when you're old.

Because the driving instructor is younger than you. They're texting. You're trying not to do all these habits that you've learned. You've got to stop. You're like, oh man, I blow through this stop sign all the time. Oh, so you already knew how to drive. Yeah, I had to get it last year. You had to get a new license.

Yeah, they make you retake the test in the States. Oh, that's smart. That's how it should be, logically. Yeah. It's like, because I've had a license for years and years and I drive at most once or twice a year. There's no reason I should just be able to maintain my license from driving several years ago.

It seems just like a cash grab, though. There's a lot of cash grabs. I like it, though. Do you mean one of those things where you stand in a thing and the money flies around? You're on Ellen. Like that, that's what you're talking about. Do you need a license for that?

It's funny that a cash grab sounds like a scam, but in reality, it's actually a very exciting thing. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun. Is this a cash grab? No? Oh, well. Let's play cash grab. I'm not interested.

I usually wear boxers, but I knew I was going to be in a cash grab today, so I wore briefs. I'm going to cram the money in there. Cram the money in there. Our second overheard comes from Ryan M. Also overheard from a child. Actually, all three of these are. Children say the darndest things. Two children are walking down Queen Street in Toronto with their dad.

One of the kids says, Dad, can we have a pet? The father replies with, we already have three pets. The boy then says, no, I mean like an eagle. Oh my god. Like an awesome pet. All three of these are going to be from children, and they're all going to be pet-related. No, no. The third one is meal-related. Oh, I can't wait. But, uh...

I like like an eagle. Like, this kid has several pets. A hawk he would settle for? Or like an eagle. So, yeah, like a hawk. I wonder what he would settle for like a like an eagle so yeah like a hawk i wonder what he would settle for like oh an eagle or i guess an iguana an iguana is pretty cool if for a kid like yeah you know but like that that's how you uh you get an iguana is you set the sights really high with eagle and your dad's like we'll get you an iguana we'll get you an iguana. We'll get you an eagle-eyed cherry CD. Save tonight.

Maybe watch The Eagle with me, starring... Come on. There's a movie called The Eagle? Is it about Eddie the Eagle? No, it's not even that cool. I thought there was a movie. Like a Roman centurion kind of oh with channing tatum yes

eddie the eagle there was a movie about him though he's also starring a young chan the british guy um skier skier who looked like bubbles ski jumper yeah actually not a skier ski jumper yeah he was a jumper uh like that movie yeah Jumper. That was the one. This last overheard comes from Bowen D. At my parents' house, watching TV in the lounge room. He's from Australia, so there's something called a lounge room. That sounds lovely.

Mom yells out that dinner is ready. My brother gets up and enters the kitchen. I then hear, Mom, this dinner is straight out of Compton. That's what that means. P.Ss the dinner was beef stroganoff by the way that's what straight out of compton means this beef stroganoff is straight out of compton i've actually been to compton a lot of beef stroganoff restaurants so the kid was he was uh geographically correct apparently people in compton it's a great idea for a restaurant to be stroganoff. Stroganoff is a Comptonese word.

Yeah. Comptonese. It's a Crips word. I just looked it up. Tommy Europe. Tommy Europe. I forgot to look it up before. Yeah.

So my sister got trained, a personal trainer, Tommy Europe me to help her lose the last 10 pounds. And you guys got to watch it. Her name's Shannon Patterson. And she lost more than 10. Like she lost, she did really well. Right on Shannon. Shedding for the wedding. Wait, that's a different show.

Okay. In addition to overheards that have been written in by children, we also have overheards that have been called in. And let's listen to three of them. And if you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328. Hey, guys, what's going on? It's Carlos from Texas, from Fort Worth, and I have an overheard. Okay, so the other day I was walking in downtown,

and there were two bums, and they were talking to each other and then one of the guys says, I haven't had sex in a while, but I'll fuck you up. That's a good line. That's great. Oh, man. That's like, I came here to kick ass

and chew bubble gum. Yeah, but you do have to admit that you haven't had sex in a while. Yeah, but that makes the way he said it, it was like, I haven't had sex in a while, yeah but that makes he also the way he said it was like i haven't had sex in a while so i'm not that good a fighter yeah right because i usually have to fight for sex like he's like look normally i'd really kick your ass but i haven't had sex in a while so i'm gonna fuck so he's like but i will still fuck you up because that's counterintuitive because like a boxing trainer will trainer will not let a boxer

have sex. Or he'll yell at him during it. Don't do it! I would kick your ass if I'd had sex in a while. Throw in the towel. Oh, dang. I don't even know what that means. I've never had sex. And you don't own any towels.

Is it that fun towel dance you do where you put it between your legs and you hold it in the front and back? I would love if in a fight someone, I was getting beat up so bad and they threw in the towel and I started doing that dance where I was rubbing it between my legs. Yeah, you're bleeding from the face. Oh, fun towel. Okay, next call. Hey, Dave and Graham, this is William Grady from Madison, Indiana. And I was at my high school a couple days ago, and I was in the shop class.

By the way, this is overheard. So I was at the shop class, and there were these two, I guess you'd call them stoner kids. And stoner one goes, dude, shut the hell up. And stoner two goes, dude, I'm telling you, I'm adopted. I don't believe you, dude, shut the hell up. And Stoner 2 goes, dude, I'm telling you, I'm adopted. I don't believe you, dude. Shut up, dude. It's not funny. Your melatonin's totally going to kick in and then you're going to be

black like your parents. I guess you would call them stoners. Is that the Canadian word for it? Is that what you guys call those people that do that? Blazers. They're called popes. They're called popes. I guess these popes

were... There were a couple popes in my shop class. They were carving a bone. I got a pope from Compton. He eats a stroganoff. That's what I'm working on. Comptonese. Does Straight Outta Comon have any lyrics specifically about stroganoff or are they all just metaphors yeah it's metaphorical yeah all the weaponry they refer to it's all about stroganoff that should be the name of our restaurant pitch all about stroganoff yes yeah it's called all

about stroganoff but it looks like a bathroom. And every meal comes with a protein thing. It's Kai's Cheese Toppings. And I know what you're thinking. Another Stroganoff restaurant in Compton. But this one's different. This one looks like you're in a bathroom. All About Stroganoff.

Looks like you're in a bathroom. Awesome. And finally... you're in a bathroom. Awesome. And finally... Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Adam from Vermont, United States, calling in with an overheard. I was walking to my local library when I saw exiting what was probably a 10-year-old child

and his mother. The child was yelling, I'm a 10-year-old poop. I'm a 10-year-old poop. I'm a ten-year-old poop in the butt. I'm not really sure. What happened at the end of the call? He didn't know what he meant. Oh, okay. I'm a ten-year-old poop in the butt?

Yeah. That's where it goes. Where was he from? No, that's not where it goes. I think he was from Vermont, United States. Thank you for making sure we knew which Vermont. Well, I like that no one knows any cities in Vermont. You could probably. Do you?

I bet you do. I don't. But I know that Vermont's in the United States. Well, we all learned something here today. Wait, isn't Burlington Vermont? Burlington? Home of the Burlington Goat Factory not really though

someone called in to correct us yeah and said and tried to suck all the fun out of that conversation yeah right um

so let's uh we'll wrap it up and Lachlan um is it Lachlan it's Lachlan Peterson uh you have

you have a CD yeah out uh and it's on you can get it at Rooftop Comedy. Hold it up to the camera. You can get it at my website, LachlanPatterson.com. Jokes to make love to. Jokes to make love to. And this episode will be coming out on Tuesday, probably, of next week? Yeah, February 15th.

So do you have upcoming gigs you'd like to plug? Because we have listeners all over the place. I'm headlining a comedy magic club on Thursday. That's in Hermosa Beach, California. That's in Hermosa. And then, let's see. Pretty good for me to know that. Yeah, well done.

And the following week, I am back here, maybe. What? I'm doing a charity show here. In Vancouver? Yeah. So I'll be back here March 1st. Oh, awesome. And if any of our listeners in town have never seen Lachlan, wonderful guy to see live.

Thanks, Graham. Is that possible that they can come to the charity show, or is it a private event? It's a private event, but if they go to my website, they're flying me in a day early on a Tuesday. Do you guys know any Tuesday places? We sure do. Yeah.

Where would be a good... Tuesday, March 1st. I will be at wherever Graham and Dave say I will be. Post it on your website, LachlanPatterson.com, and then people will know. Once we remember what those shows are. Yeah.

But that's great. And thanks so much for being a guest. Thanks, man. It was fun. Oh, it was fantastic. And congratulations again on the Tonight Show. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave, do you have anything that you want to plug? Listeners should go to maxfunstore.com. Absolutely, they should. And buy the new Stop Podcasting Yourself t-shirts. Yes. Available. And also, coming up, I believe, in the beginning of March. End of February, beginning of March.

Is the Fun Drive. Max Fun Drive. And now here's the thing, Stop Podcasting Yourself bumpers. We really like being a part of Max Fun, and they brought on a new show, My Brother, My Brother and Me, which is great. But we want Jesse and the gang to know that we mean business. So we really, you know, if you're a donor, if you've never donated before, you can donate whatever amount per month you want. And they're doing right now, they're doing challenge donations on the Maximum Fun website.

If you're a high roller, you can challenge somebody else to donate as much as you or die. Challenge your rival. It's a money grab. Yeah, it's a cash grab. And then we'll be having a cash grab. Oh, that'll be so much fun.

I just want the booth. I don't even want to fill it with dollar bills. I just want to fill it with, like, cheesies. Just fill it with loonies and toonies. Just drop down. Ow! And, oh, if you donate, there is a special, like, there will be prizes that you get for donating. There's going to be a tote bag, I think. There's going to be a DVD thing that has...

Well, I just want to say what we recorded earlier this week. Oh, please. A special episode for donors only of All Over Herds. Yeah, this is All Over Herds. And some drunk dials in there as well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a full-length episode. Full-length episode.

And it was a lot of fun to do. But only donors will get it, and everybody else, sorry. Yep. But thank you so much for listening to the podcast. If you enjoyed it, tell your friends. And yeah, come on back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.