Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 164 - Jayden Pfeifer

Episode Date: May 3, 2011

Improviser Jayden Pfeifer joins us to talk karate, sneezing, and speed dating.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 164 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man, not just any man, a man who has a plan, a man whose name is not Stan. Sure, Canal Panama. Yeah, a man not from Iran, but a man who always says, I can.

Mr. Dave Shumka. Yep. Hi. How are you? Great. You? Oh, I'm pretty sharp. Except for those three false start intros we did.

No one will ever hear those. Exactly. Why did I bring it up? Because this is like an Inside the Actor's Studio. Behind the curtain. Yeah. In front of the curtain. James Lipton.

Mm-hmm. And our guest this week, a gentleman who I just met. Just met before we were doing the podcast. Same as you. Yeah. Very funny man, I gather, from... He better be. Yeah, right?

This is the worst intro so far. No, no, it's going to get better. This is the little intro so far. No, no, it's going to get better. This is the little intro that could. He is from Saskatchewan. He's not getting anybody. Wait, wait. He's the artistic director of General Fools. Sure.

Yeah, right? You're a comedian, actor, improviser, and you're in town because some pals of the Sunday service said, hey, why don't you come on out to Vancouver and pal around. Thank you for being our guest, Mr. Jaden Pfeiffer. Hello, gentlemen. Oh, hello. Thank you for that. It was a very extensive

and oddly touching intro. Yeah, right? Now, we only just met you, but I've seen you perform before uh in vancouver you were you came here for the improv festival i have several times yeah that's uh many many years i came so that's something yeah something so we've got that between that's a basis to build a relationship yeah well let's get to know us fair enough get to know us Now, you actually, you were brung over to us by former guest Taz Van Rassel, which has never happened before.

Because sometimes we have guests who we've never met before, but we're like, hey, let's have them on, let's try them out. And it's weird, but he was a really good buffer. Yeah, he was a social convener. He really brought us together. He was what Malcolm Gladwell calls a guy who knows a bunch of people. Oh, yeah. A popular guy.

A jock. Yeah. Sure. Prunking. A teen wolf. Yeah, a real teen wolf. Yeah, I had met up with Taz earlier today, and then I said, okay, I'm going to go meet these guys. He's like, I'll walk you over.

Like a protective father. I like it. Like, I'll go make some introductions. Yeah's very kind of him did you ever have that in uh your uh childhood or early teendom where a kid's dad came down to the school to set set things straight you know so what like like stop bullying my kid yeah yeah like some kind of trouble had occurred and then the dad came down to sort things out. That never happened? There was an older brother of a kid whose name I can't recall, but who came to- Ruttiger.

Yeah, Ruttiger. It was Ruttiger and his older brother, Harlow. Harlow and Ruttiger. Yeah, who came down to the school to yell at some other kids for bullying his brother. Oh, yeah, yeah yeah in like grade six like but he was like 19 like much much like an adult like a very older but he was his older brother and came down and just like yelled at a bunch of grade sixes one day i just came out of my parents basement to tell you listen my fiera's parked over there yeah did that ever

happen to you as well no but i kind of wish i had like a kid brother that i could go do that for yeah because if i had a kid brother he would be such a weenie you could be a big brother i mean you could i should and then you just a bully small kid i'll go to big brothers and i'll say who's your most bullied kid yeah which is the one who's the wiener i don't even want to know his name. Just point at him. Where do you go to school? I remember when I was a kid, there was a kid in my class. He was an only child, so no big brothers to stand up for him.

And somebody was fucking with his bike. And his dad came down the next day and Michael was his name. He pointed out the kids who were fucking with his bike. and then the dad came over and yelled, which is like the most terrifying thing for a kid ever. But this kid was really troubled. He stared down that dad like nothing. He's probably in prison now, hey? Like a kid that's staring down

an adult like, what are you? He's probably done something. I don't understand kids who are able to be indignant to adults. I think they know that adults can't hurt them how do they know that like because their dads are horrible people i guess i was so terrified of adults as a child like like not terrified of them but just like like all respect like no matter what if an adult says something i'm like okay you're right whatever it is yeah

i have no knowledge i still in that way like i don't think i i think of other people as adults and myself yeah as a child i had no concept that adults were fallible like that that you had to you could disagree with them well kids don't they kids have not grown up in that same atmosphere like adults are uh you know they talk to them when they get in trouble and stuff like they're not there's no monster side to adults for the kids they're not hitting them enough yeah yeah well the was the principal's office scary anymore uh well my principal was a mummy his office was very it was terrifying catacomby and lots of spider webs you got lost in it yeah there was a lot of hieroglyphics.

He couldn't figure out where his office was. There was a family that lived around the corner from us, and the father of the family had been or was a disgraced karate teacher. Like he'd been like a dis- Wow. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Take this one step at a time. All right. Slow it down.

Maybe it was Taekwondo. Are you going to get into how he became disgraced? I don't know the answer to that question. Okay. We can only speculate, and we will for the next 90 minutes. Okay. Something to do with a fight of honor. He hide when he should have yod.

Exactly. He had been, from what I gather. He wouldn't take off his shoes exactly he didn't but he took his eyes off his opponent more a black belt with brown shoes gross gross everybody um he uh he had been like he had ran a dojo at some point uh had been kicked off the Karate Council or whatever system they used. Saskatchewan's Karate Council. The guy from Cobra Kai.

Yeah, exactly. He was the SKC. He was kicked out of Fight Parliament. Anyway, in Fight Parliament, when people want to agree with what you say, they break boards. And the first rule of Fight Parliament is, no one talks about Fight Parliament. Is that the first rule? I thought it was

break boards, if you agree with me. Second rule is don't say anything about Fight Parliament. And so, anyway, he had trained his son until he was, like, not at the school anymore. Until his son became too powerful. Exactly. And overran him. I never realized how awesome

this story is. Yeah. Everything about it is awesome. Anyway, the point is he We're not going to let you tell. He had trained his son into a really vicious bully. Oh, nice. Kept him tied up in the front yard.

Just threw bones at him. And he was in my grade. The son was in my grade. son was in my grade and whenever his son got into a fight at school or a disagreement his father would march him to that other kid's house after school and stand on their driveway and like call out the kid like in front of their parents and it and and that is crazy two doors down from us was like on my street was a kid who they got in a fight with and as like a nine year Old I stood on my front step with my parents

And watched him and his son Yell at the house like come out here And fight my son right now And the father If you don't we'll spray paint your garage Yeah exactly we got a bunch of eggs here But and the father of the guy who lived on our street Was like I'm not sending my son

Like I'm going to phone the police. He was like, Do you be a chicken? Get out of here. Settle this like a man. Cobra Kai. Cobra Kai. I think the best way,

instead of yelling at them, he should have done the say anything thing and just held up a boon box. That played Kung Fu Fight. You're the best by Esposito. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have taught my son a lesson by grabbing a rifle and confronting him with that. Or like an axe, like anything.

I'm in a house. There's so many things in a house. That would be my way of teaching my son about evolution and opposable thumbs and what they can build. When I was a kid, I remember so many cases of people being like, oh, man, I'd totally like to learn karate. And then being told, oh, you can only use it for self-defense. Never mind. Never mind. I just wanted to punch people with the side of my hand.

Yeah, I wanted to chop people in half. I guess it's not a punch anymore. It's a slice punch. Not these days. When we were growing up, it was a punch. Kids, am I right? It was as close to a punch as any of us got. Which of them are Olympic sports of the martial arts?

I think just judo. Yeah, because judo's dumb. No, karate is. Is karate? I don't think karate is. I don't think it is. What about... I think it might just be judo.

I think it's just judo. Capoeira? It's the worst. It's just grappling. Dance fight. Yeah, it's just grappling and throwing. Yeah, but that's all anything is these days, right? It's all gymnastics. I guess we can all agree that if somebody... I mean, we're sort grappling and throwing. Yeah, but that's all anything is these days, right? It's all gymnastics.

I guess we can all agree that if somebody... I mean, we're sort of dissing judo, but if we knew somebody was good at it, they could kill any of us. They would, like, super flip us hard. I guess. But I would just... I'd play dead.

I would. I'd have my... Cover your vitals. Yeah, make myself weigh a lot. I would have my rifle. Right, you still have the rifle in this case. I'd soil myself. Yeah, I'm always wondering rifle. Right, you still have the rifle in this case. I'd soil myself. Yeah, I was wondering about

yeah, soiling myself. Anyway, like how scary an event would have to be for my bowels to just kind of, you know. So go on, which ones have you decided? Well, I was watching a show, and it's a show, I don't know if it's just Canadian

or if it's an American show that we get up here but they they like test uh different vehicles uh like you know they did a thing where it was an oil tanker truck and they saw like how much does it take to blow up an oil tanker truck like how reinforced are they and they were doing a thing about um like an armored is it not mythbusters yeah no it's notbusters. They only do things just to test their claims of how strong they are. So they did an armored... Strengthbusters. Yeah, Strengthbusters. Yeah.

They did an armored... It doesn't sell well. That title doesn't sell well. It's one none of us know about. Yeah, exactly. It was an armored limo, and they blew up. They bombed the side of it. And one of the guys, like the professional guys, was like, well, you wouldn't get killed.

You'd soil yourself, but you wouldn't get killed. And I was like, how does he know the bladder abilities or, you know, I guess not bladder, poop chute, whatever you call that. Colon ability. I think doctors call it poop shoot. Have you ever been like, taken action beforehand for like, well, I'm going to be seeing a scary movie. Better go to the bathroom first.

Yeah, better wear a diaper. Wouldn't hurt to wear a diaper. I'm going to go on that ride at the carnival where they just drop you. Oh, I've done that. I did none of those things. Oh, really really i haven't seen a scary movie i've seen but i've seen scary movies but i don't wait did you see a scary movie because that's not scary i was terrified you guys what do you guys which movie are you guys talking

about um i uh yeah i don't i'm i i don't mind scary movies but i can't i can't abide by gory movies like at all i just don't epic movie oh the best yeah nobody ever by gory movies, like, at all. What about epic movie? Oh, the best. Yeah, nobody ever made a gory movie yet. Yeah, why didn't they? I think that's in the scary movie realm. I guess. But also rides, like roller coasters or, like, you know, Drop of Doom. None of those things just never appealed to me at all. Not an adrenaline junkie at all?

When we were kids and go to, like, you know, whatever the, like, large carnivals or the X or whatever, I would always just play games and stand, like stand with my uncle while my cousins went on rides. Your uncle, who would pick fights with little kids. Absolutely. And then I had to fight them. And when I fight one, I got a big stuff bear. Now, you're from Saskatchewan. Yes.

Are you born and raised? Born and raised in Regina. And I've moved around a little bit. I lived in Vancouver for a year. How was that? It was great. I love this town. Yeah, right?

Yeah. No snow? There was actually a little bit of snow. Busted. The winter that I was here. And it's so, I mean. Reinforcement busted. I know that it's so like, it must be, I don't know if you guys hear this a lot from people

who aren't from Vancouver, but it is funny to see Vancouver when there's snow. snow yeah it's so comical yeah well it's uh you know i grew up in the prairies as well so right it's true it's really it was hilarious wear a scarf all wrong what's the umbrellas um yeah like people when it would snow and people would like wipe off their windshield one gloves width so their eyes could see out of it but none of the other windows like it's just terrifying that's terrifying chinese menus yeah no i i would always uh scrape off my uh frosted up window with ah pepsi taste whatever, not a card that I needed, but it was like, oh, apparently I'm a member in the electronics boutique games club. My default, if for some reason I don't have an ice scraper, it was always my air miles

card. Oh, right. It was always the air miles. Are air miles a thing? Does that exist? Oh, yeah. Okay. I must have accumulated so many.

I've never redeemed them. I feel like I must have thousands and thousands. You'd probably be surprised. At how few I have. Yeah, there's still a thing. I've never actually tried to use them to book a flight, but I know that we have them. Yeah, in this country.

We have them. We have that honor. It's the second highest honor you can achieve in this country. The first being a black belt. The black belt, Order of Canada. Reinforcements. Hey, I was thinking of reinforcements.

Do you remember when you were a kid? Driving around in armor and limbo on? No, but I guess it was a school supply, or I guess it's an office supply as an adult. Sure. For a binder. If your three-hole-punch paper breaks, there are these things called reinforcements. Oh, yeah. And little circle stickers.

And I always thought that was the coolest name for them. Oh, man, I bought some reinforcements. Really? Let me see. I remember as a child not understanding what they were. Like seeing with sheets of them and i didn't get it i didn't know what they were for kids don't use binders anymore do they that's a thing of the fact they all have ipads put it on their smartphones yeah they don't i don't think uh these kids don't even go to school these days yeah right what with their uh hieroglyphic principles. Yeah, mummy principle. They were...

Yeah, I don't ever see kids. They're still kids, right? Yeah, right. Me and kids have stopped seeing each other. I think they probably still have binders. They must learn... Do you have anything called a binder reminder? Is that a thing?

Or maybe that was just regional. Yeah, no. What's a binder reminder? I don't know. I just remember something being called... Is there what's a binder i don't know i just remember is there a chance that our listeners don't know what a binder is uh i don't think so a duo tang there would no don't bring up a duo tank because people don't know what that is yeah that's uh it's like a big duo tang with snaps instead of clips um i remember uh getting like tearing three ring binders they would call them yeah in the states sometimes they were c- up... Three-ring binders, they would call them. Yeah. In the States.

Sometimes they were C-ring or O-ring, and sometimes they were D-ring. O-ring. I'll show you the O-ring. Stop it. I remember getting a piece of paper torn out of a binder and thinking that instead of... In order to use the reinforcements, you had to tear off the other bit of the paper that was torn. Oh, and catch them? Like, literally recreate the hole through things. And it turns out that doesn't work at all.

All I ever used to do is if something fell out, I would just punch holes through whatever the next available paper was. And it would be a shorter page than all the other pages. Oh, I would just be really careful. I would just put it back where it was and make sure it didn't fall out later. Well done. And then I would never go check my notes again because i was a bad student right i wrote notes to every other kid that would get my textbooks because they recycled textbooks

year in year out so i would you know draw the favorite thing was the old uh you know there'd be a photo and somebody would draw a wiener on it but i would i would always add a thought bubble of what the wiener was thinking i i would have been uh so terrified to do that like for like to write in a textbook like i was ruining it and i would get in trouble for it oh no i was like a very kind student as a kid like yeah i didn't want to get in trouble i like wanted to do well like nice to teachers and like i got in detention once when i was in grade six, and I cried. What did you get detention for? Getting in a schoolyard rumble that I was not involved in. But your uncle was.

My uncle was there. They can't put your uncle in detention. He ran away pretty fast. I'm not weak, kids. It was like a bunch of kids got in a fight and i was just standing watching it and me and another friend just got put in detention because they thought we were involved and i cried i just bawled in detention until the teacher was like just go home yeah this is the worst in retrospect i guess i would have done the same

as a teacher like oh shut up kids you wouldn't last a day no sir juvie no sir and juvie even now at 31 14 year olds would have me i i'd be the new fish i could probably pick up some chicks and juvie yeah co-ed juvie it must be no juvie are you kidding me they're all the same no i don't think so bad kids are all the same boys girls yeah they all they want the same thing yeah yeah bites yeah wieners with thought bubbles uh dave what's uh what's uh going on with your wiener uh oh did we not get to know we didn't get to know him at all we know he's from saskatchewan yeah we know he's a terrified of adults yeah his uncle's a big fighter yep uh Only one time.

Good student. Good kid. Once saw a Kung Fu man try to lure a Kung Fu child out to fight his Kung Fu child. That's the greatest. I say you got to know a lot. Yeah. More than I even intended to give away. Well, I told the story on stage, and you were there.

Oh, I was there, yeah. Soaking it in. I don't think I told it on the podcast, though. But on 420, I was taking a bus ride home. And I won't tell the whole story, but a guy sat next to me and passed out. Yeah. And he started drooling onto his shirt uh and i was like oh that's cool i'll just i'll just sit here and pretend to ignore it and then he uh kept drooling

and drooled more and more in my mind i was like oh that's perfectly normal yeah he's some sort of dog human hybrid yeah i'll just be polite to this guy who's passed out and drooling on himself but he wasn't drooling. He was puking. And then as soon as I got up, he started puking. Like, I got up with two seconds to spare, and he started puking all over the seat I was sitting in. Wow. You have the shining. But then, so this week, I had a thing happen on the bus where I was the creep.

Oh. And you were puking? I wasn't puking. Guys, let's get... Don't get it twisted. I think I must have it twisted. Yeah, that's probably... Let me check it out.

Yes, it's twisted. I was just sitting and listening to my iPod on the bus, and I felt a sneeze. Hi-yah! Stop it. No. I felt a sneeze coming on, and so I was like, okay, better prepare for the sneeze. Got ready, covered my mouth, and it was the hugest sneeze. And it was the hugest sneeze.

And I saw out of the corner of my eye, a bit of saliva went flying outside of where my hand was blocking my mouth. Oh. And my headphones popped out. And your eyes popped out. And your tongue rolled down. And your toes popped to your shoes. And the guy who had been sitting beside me, the guy who had been sitting beside me, the guy who had been sitting beside me,

got up and went to the exit and waited at the exit. And he didn't get off at the next bus stop. He just didn't want to be around you. I caused someone else to move. He just wanted to be close to the door. Because of my grossness. He sneezed in the back of an old lady's head. Oh, Lord.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's... Well, here's the thing. Past guest Jane Stanton. I was watching a comedy show the other night, and she was there. And she's one of these people, like... Jane's a very lovely person, but she falls in the category of people that I think are the worst. They're the people who, like, feel like, if I don't show up despite my illness, everything will fall apart.

Right. Right. So she was there. So you're saying she falls in the category of people you think are the worst. Exactly. And she was coughing on everything. Like, everybody was like, just go home. Like, this is the worst.

Why do we have to be a part of this disgusting spectacle? She's like, no, no, I'm doing you a favor. Yeah, yeah. You guys don't really. So, at one point, she was standing next to me, and she coughed, like, on my beer. And I had to, it was like an almost full beer, and I had to put it down and buy a new one. Because I was like, oh, that is the worst. She wasn't, like, covered. She covered she's just like coughing out into the sometimes people when people are coughing

a lot they're like look i'm i'm gonna cover my mouth nine times out of ten but you know you're gonna get sometimes it's just gonna be out loud there's gonna be some spittle flying your way it was disgusting it was uh just the worst night of everybody's life thanks jane for ruining everything i will admit that if i ever have like a really if i'm in a pool and i have a really big sneeze coming on i really enjoy putting my head underwater and sneezing i've never done that it's the greatest sneezing underwater it's like pretty fun there's like an explosion around your face it's like it seems it's an oddly great experience something we would do an astronaut camp like in the right stuff. Yeah, exactly.

Whereas you're going to do gravity tests, sneeze tests. We've got to see how well you can sneeze under high pressure. You're going to have to. Yeah, exactly. Wow, there's a lot of dust in space. Space debris. But, yeah, what's going on with you? I'm just trying to think.

Well, I already blew my sneezing story that was uh i went uh last last week we had deborah d giovanni as our guest and uh later uh i don't think it was that night it was the night after i went to see her perform at uh the comedy mix here and uh we had a drink between shows. There's a bar upstairs. It's kind of a loungy bar. And there was a singles, what do you call it?

Like a speed dating thing going on. It was like a Jewish, young Jewish professional speed dating situation. Yeah. Why J-Pease? You beat me to that. I was trying so hard to put that together in my head. Yeah, Juppies.

Yeah, Joopies, I think. Yeah, Joopies, thank you. So, it was fascinating. Like, I don't think I've ever been that captivated by others in the bar. They have a spectator section? Everything that was not their

party was the spectator was there were there signage or were you like these guys are total jews and they're dating it was uh usually that lounge is uh fairly sparsely like people they're just there from the hotel or in between shows but it was packed like you could barely even get in so So we asked the hostess. She said, oh, it's this dating thing. And just watching, there was one guy who gave up at one point. He was watching the hockey game. He just pulled up a seat next to where we were sitting and just started watching the hockey game. And at one point, they have loungy chairs, of kind of low, deep set kind of chairs.

And this one guy asked, oh, is anybody using this chair? And we said no. And you could tell he was moving it to sit to talk to this girl. And he had the hardest time moving this chair. Like, just comical Jerry Lewis style movements. Like, he underestimated completely how heavy it was. So on his first pass, like, he nearly fell fell over backwards and she was watching the whole thing and i was like well you should just sit with us yeah imagine wasting most of your five minutes of a speed date

doing a terrible job doing physical activity like comically terrible like he had never moved a chair ever in his life i mean i think in my life I've moved a chair twice. Sure, but you would know not to try and bear hug it and pick it up over your head. Why did you go along with that? I've moved thousands of chairs. How long?

You said five minutes. That seems long for a speed date. I mean, I've never been to one, but isn't it like five minutes? I would think it would be like two i know in that stupid movie that jake gyllenhaal was in the the thing was that you hold a match you light a match and that's how much time you get what no no way because that's like 10 seconds and also there's so many fingers yeah exactly exactly but that's uh you know kids are better right that's

how it starts yeah yeah kids is better play with? That's how it starts. Yeah. Yeah, kids look better. Play with fire. The ladies just want to see if you flinch when you get burned. Yeah. Like, you're not a man. Yeah, I don't want a man who's not afraid of the terrifying pain. Of fire. Yeah, come on.

Like, if you flinch, no, you're being burned. Your skin is burning off your body. You might as well be that guy who moved the chair. Yeah. You're not getting a lady that night. Yeah, exactly. Ladies like a man with a calloused finger uh so that was amazing because i've never i've seen i've i've done comedy at nights that were part of dating groups where they did they did the dating group thing and like you know one week was comedy night and the next week

was kayak night or whatever but i'd never seen i'd never ever seen a speed dating uh style thing so it was what other what other dating activities are there because internet because there's yeah for people who hookups just what you just want to meet randos randos oh there's a thing in vancouver and it's probably an idea that is elsewhere as well that's called it's just lunch and it's that you put people together and they have lunch professionals yeah pros yeah one's a pro assassin and the other one's a prostitute uh pretty great um i think that date was sound a little something like the movie assassins yeah or or antonio banderas yeah antonio banderas stallone and not sure in stone guys speaking

of stallone arnold schwarzenegger and terminator 5 thoughts uh i am not uh i'm not a i'm not a schwarzenegger um aficionado i mean i i know all the movies i so you soundegger aficionado. I mean, I know all the movies. So you sound like an aficionado. Well, I spent a lot of years working for video stores as part-time jobs. Any hilarious names of video stores? No, always Rogers. Oh, Rogers.

So there's no Jumbo Video. No. Video to you. No. Those are hilarious names. They weren't good. So I know all the movies, but I don't have a thing for Schwarzenegger. I have a really good friend. Like a boner. Yeah.

I don't have a Schwarzen-boner. That's not a joke. So I don't really care. I think that's more kitschy than interesting for me. To me, it's... I mean, obviously the question why comes up a lot.

Why, why, why? I've only seen Terminator 2. You've never seen the first one? Nope. Skip it. I did. Yeah, you won't be wowed. Terminator 3 is so bad. I mean, it's beyond.

And even then, Arnold Schwarzenegger was really pushing it. Age-wise. I'll be back. Yeah. Wait here. I don't know why Skynet would design a robot that had wrinkles like if they're going to make him look like a human

he might as well be young and attractive yeah and not well they did a thing in the version that had Christian Bale in it where there was a computer generated version of Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was a young Terminator 1 Schwarzenegger

that's fine. Like if they just wanted to do a movie like that, like the Polar Express, only with Terminator. Yeah, because the problem with the Polar Express kind of animation is their dead eyes, but he wears sunglasses. Zombies. That's true. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh,

and they say they're getting together the original cast. That was the latest thing I heard. Oh, really? Linda Hamilton's still around? Linda Hamilton, yeah. She's available. And Michael Bean? Mr. Bean? Mr. Bean.

Mr. Bean. I'd watch that movie. Oh, Terminator 5 with Mr. Bean in it? Oh, Terminator 5 takes London. Also, that made me think of a hilarious Photoshop in my head. And it just made me think that all this week, Dave really got the ball rolling on this, but it's taken off and it is hysterical.

I posted a photo. Where's that from? During the taping of the debaters, they took some backstage, like in front of a green screen shots in case they were going to do something with them graphically. And so I have a picture of me looking super dumb, and I'm wearing a lumberjack jacket, and Dave photoshopped me first into the cast of Gossip Girl.

Well, because you were on a green screen, so I figured we might as well use this for something. So is there, like, an easy function that you just make the green screen vanish with or something? There's, on Photoshop, it's called Magic Wand. Right. And it will just take out that color. So, yeah.

So, he put me in the cast of Gossip Girl, and then I was standing on the work beam where all the guys are eating lunch in that old photo. Beam lunchers, he called it. And then you put me in the cast of The Cosby Show. Yeah. You're the white guy. Yeah.

You're the grandfather. You're of The Cosby Show. Yeah. You're the white guy. Yeah. You're the grandfather. You're Theo's other weird friend. Yeah. And then other... Cockroach? Yeah. Cockroach. Or Adam Sandler's character.

Wasn't he on it? Yeah. He was not boner, but something like that. Yeah. Reefer. Cornflakes. Skippy. Cornflakes.

And then was that... Oh, no no then there was one of me that classic uh uh those that couple kissing in paris and you're just staring at i'm staring at them and then uh past guest josh lowen jumped in and he uh i was in dumb and dumber and naked gun two and a half i think I think. Sure. The best of the series. And then Matthew Kay, who is a long-time listener, he did, he put that picture of me out in front of the Boulevard of Broken Dreams photo with James Dean and Elvis

and Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, you're staring in the cafe and there's even reflection on the window. Yeah, it's real. And you're painted. Yeah, it's very detailed. But I just wanted to bring that up. If anybody out there is itching to do some Photoshop work while you're at work and you're bored and you hate your job, you don't care too much about getting fired. But for some reason you have Photoshop on your computer? Yeah, like you're a graphic artist, which I know a lot of people listening to the podcast are.

If you have an idea of where to put that hilarious photo, we should put it up maybe on the blog. Yeah, sure. Yeah. So that, sure. Yeah. So that's fun. Yeah. Also, this past week, you opened a stand-up comedy show for Patton Oswalt. That's correct. So awesome.

And I was just thinking, I think in one of our, maybe episode one or two, we recorded it right before you had to leave to open for him in the past. That's right. And I did, yeah. I did open for him years ago same place same bat time yeah and he the the first time he didn't he wasn't able to show up before just just before he was about to go on so i didn't actually get to talk to him very much but this time he showed up before he was very friendly. And I talked to him about our past guest, Kyle Kinane, who regularly opens for him on the road. And so we chatted. He's super nice, super funny.

His show is amazing. And, yeah, a lot of people, I guess. We got some messages from people who started listening to the podcast after. So welcome if you're new. And, yeah, i don't know just it just came up and it was great and uh if pad never listens hello mr uh what else uh if there are any uh jews listening i know where you could go on a speed date i was thinking after you brought that up i was thinking like how many people do you think go to the young jewish professional dating service and just say that they are jewish oh yeah in the hopes of scoring a date no you have to pass

a test you have to take a picture of your penis next to the day's newspaper you know other people are allowed to be circumcised right they what uh i just imagine like all dating sites but why would why would you want to go to a young jewish there all of every religion and race do the i mean why why yeah why limit your options it's just you know if you really find somebody and you really connect, then like after the one year anniversary, you're like, here's a gift, the truth. Then you eat some bacon. That's how you tell them. There's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Yeah. Yeah. As you're wiping off your makeup. off your makeup. That seemed to be like a mini trend in the 80s. Movies where... Jewish makeup? Yeah, where guys were wearing Jewish makeup.

No, there was at least two movies where somebody... Soul Man. Which one was Soul Man? Where the guy turned black, took tanning pills or something And turned black What was the point of that movie? I think he ended up getting a scholarship

That's the one I'm thinking of And he cut his hair short Maybe it was just one movie And they chose him to be on a basketball team And he's like, I'm not really good And they're like, we know that you probably are I'm only black to the neck i can't take off this turtleneck i say i'm wearing a turtleneck and gloves was it c thomas howell yes howell thomas howell um oh man but someone must have

said that 20 years that's on their family crest. That's the logo. But that's a lot of blackface. Yeah, that's more than was acceptable at the time, which was zero, I think. It's still the running number, right? Yeah. Well, I'm Robert Downey Jr. Oh, yeah. Nearly got an Oscar nomination.

No, did he get an Oscar nomination for it? I think he got a Golden Globe. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like he got nominated for a Golden Globe for that. Honest to God. Birthers. Am I right? Sure. They get it.

Yeah. Did anybody watch, speaking of big stories in the news, his birth certificate? That was big. Followed only, the only thing bigger than Obama's birth certificate, the Royal Welding. I saw the highlights yeah i was uh flying uh here while it was happening like it red eye like so i was yeah i was i was at the reduction at the regina airport at like 5 15 a.m and there was a huge crowd of people in the lounge that's the most romantic place to watch it yeah it was it meant a lot to me because it's because it's the queen city uh that's right it is yeah it's a queen city regina means queen right uh i think it was i think it was the name or the middle name of two queens ago no no i don't know

the history no regina does mean queen does it well because like any uh federal court case yeah canada is represented by the queen, and so it's Regina versus... I just thought Regina was very litigious. More litigious than any other city. I just thought everyone else in Canada hated Regina, and every court case was versus the city. We just blame you for all our problems. Yeah, there was the one hat that everybody's been making fun of. I can't get it out of my head.

It makes me want to puke. It looks like a... It was this beige. It looks like, what are those? Not zoodles, but they're the same as zoodles, only they're O's. What am I thinking? Spaghetti O's? Spaghetti O's?

Yeah, it looked like a Spaghetti O. No, it had swoops and stuff. Yeah, it looked like a Spaghetti O where it was an O, and then there was a couple manufacturing defaults attached to it. Yeah, it looked like a Spaghetti-O where it was an O and then there was a couple manufacturing defaults attached to it. Anyways, I can't... When I try to sleep, I see it in my... It was one of Sarah Ferguson

or Fergie from Black Eyed Peas. Her daughters wore this hat. Yeah. Would you call it a hat if it's only on your forehead? What if it wasn't a hat and it was like a birthday gift? Because it was beige. Or if it's only on your forehead? What if it wasn't a hat and it was like a birthday gift? Because it was beige. Or if it was like, you know, concealer. Just gone wrong.

She was far too much. Yeah. She was really flush and they're like, just put a little more. Just put on a little more. She built a whole, like, structure out of concealer by accident. But it was too late. She woke up late, like the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. When I was...

Spoilers. It's the first scene in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral when I was spoilers it's the first scene in the movie the WestJet staff like I was on when I was on the plane could not stop commenting over

the loudspeaker about the royal wedding oh now that's that is the worst were you all watching it in the airport well we'll have it on the TVs

in just a second and then they would like on the flight like everybody was watching it WestJet lets you pick your channel but I assume

on your flight they didn't let you. No, we had to watch it. And also, isn't the assumption with a red-eye flight that some people are business people that are going to have a little sleep on their flight? Everybody wake up! Here's the thing. Speaking of red-eye,

do you think on the cannibal edition of Top Chef they have red eye reductions? Thank you. I don't know. Is there any such thing as a cannibal version? No. Oh, okay.

All right. He's saying when it does happen in 2012 when everything goes crazy. That's how the world's going to end. As predicted by John Cusack. JC. Anything else? No, Overheard. Oh, shit.

Why do we have to leave on that note? Overheard. Overheard. Wait, before we do Overheard, here's a thing that might happen. If you were offered free tickets to see Charlie Sheen, would you go? If I was offered free tickets to see Charlie Sheen, would you go? If I was offered free tickets to see

Charlie Sheen in my hometown? What do you mean? If I was offered free tickets and plane tickets to where he was playing, no free hotels. But if somebody's like, oh, I have two tickets to a sold-out one, but it's in Seattle, so I have to drive to Seattle to go see it.

You know what I mean? Like, not... Like, you're saying in my hometown. Sure. No, I wouldn't go. What? What if it was a different town? I just don't want to be seen by people I know. What if you had free tickets to a far from sold out Charlie Sheen appearance?

No, I wouldn't go. Because I think it wouldn't be... Everybody says that the problem with it is less that it's uh you know charlie sheen or is that it's just boring yeah it's a waste of your time it's poorly put together and and also he like you know uh the the thing is is like he's like a uh horrible horrible like wife beating i think wife shooting i think yeah he shot and it's like it's the same reason to have a wife he shot a wife he shot a wife in the leg he may have stabbed somebody else's wife shot a wife in the leg kelly preston who's currently married to john travolta when they were

married he shot her on an airplane john travolta was piloting oh no that's how they met yeah is there a doctor on the plane there's a pilot there's an actor posing as a pilot sure yeah no i uh it's the same kind of thing it's like you know i used to be a huge chris brown fan and now i'm not mike tyson all of them all of the great i would have to go i think i'd have to go. And not because I have any fascination with him. It's just that I'm okay with going to watch a train wreck. I like watching. I get an odd fascination out of watching really bad improv shows or bad comedy shows.

I am laughing internally and often externally at how poorly it's going yeah like not not in a mean sense but like i kind of want to go and just like stare at it i well yeah i do that with the spider-man broadway musical but i don't think i would do it for charlie sheen spider-man never beat his wife important did spider-man ever marry mary jane or did you did i never send you that hilarious... Somebody sent it to me. They did a thing when Spider-Man in the comic... Did he ever settle on Betty or Veronica?

Midge, I think. Yeah, he was more of a Midge guy. He was more of a Midge guy. Odie. Odie. When Spider-Man married Mary Jane in the comics, they did a thing on, I think it was Good Morning America, but it might be the other equivalent. The Today Show? Yeah.

Or CBS This Morning? Because they did a huge promotional thing where somebody dressed in a Spider-Man costume married somebody who who was dressed like Mary Jane at what's the big baseball stadium in New York? Yankee Stadium? Yes, Yankee Stadium. They got married in the middle of the field there and people...

And it was all fake. It was all, you know, because they're not real people. So wait, they aren't married? I don't get it. It's a sham wedding but only because they were sham people yeah and because the uh priest had actually become a priest online at the end of it he took his mask off and it was ted dancing it was mysterio um ray mysterio yeah junior uh mysterio was a super spider-man oh yeah, with the fishbowl on his head. I don't know, he was a superhero.

Yeah, that's right, he was an ex-magician. I hope that one's in the next Spider-Man movie. With a huge cape and a fishbowl head. But yeah, anyways, there's a clip online of them, like, the then cast of

Good Morning America interviewing Stan Lee and this fake, so Spider-Man wearing a tuxedo and this lady who was playing Mary Jane. It was the funniest, worst crossover of fake life and real life. Why do people think Stan Lee is someone they should ever talk to? Yeah, no kidding. Or get to be in a movie. Well, because he didn't even invent the Hulk.

Yeah, he did. He invented all of them. Yeah. But not a magnetic character of his own. You know who is? Magneto. Oh, son of a bitch. But one other addition to that line of thought.

thought uh on the american uh associated press released a story today that in the comics superman renouncing his american citizen i saw that i definitely saw that well because he's a birther yeah yeah he doesn't like obama donald trump is in this issue but it's just the head of donald trump on a robot body. Superman is huge. He's one of the top superheroes year in, year out. This is a classy superhero. He's hired. So, I have

been offered tickets to this Charlie Sheen event on Monday. You should go. You should go. I think they're free. I don't want to ask. Yeah, you should definitely go Unless they turn out not to be free Oh yeah, no, and then you shouldn't go Wait, is there any chance

Any chance at all Of his co-stars from Two and a Half Men showing up I think John Cryer John Wayne Gacy is his name, go on Young Weird men Two and a Half Weird Men Wayne Gacy is his name. Go on. Angus Young. Yeah, from ACDC. Weird man.

Two and a half weird men. But no, there's no chance. I mean, there's always a chance. Yeah. Apparently he switches it up because he's realizing the formula is not working. But is his closer, like, what does he do? Does he masturbate on stage or something? Like, is there some like thing that he does yeah he masturbates on stage oh okay oh yeah maybe you're saying you wouldn't go see that for free yeah no i mean now that i know that but how

long a show can he do and can i open for it well yeah and is there an intermission the early shows were less than an hour oh like the original shows pretty good. Like he couldn't sustain the audience for more than about 50 minutes. Neither can I. There you go. Ah. So then you've got that in common. So all you need to do is shoot your wife. Damn.

Winning. Weird man. Oh, yeah. He did that one. He was really weird for like a week when he had all that. He gave all those interviews and said all those crazy things. And he's just coasting off of that. Yeah.

Like that is... He should get out of a limo and flash his crotch. Like that's his... You know, like he's a classic rock band that is just... Okay, well, I'll do all the hits. You don't want to hear the new stuff. Yeah, yeah. He's a one-hit wonder.

Yeah. He's a one-shoot wonder. I'll do Owner of a Lonely Heart. He's like the band Fastball. Sure. The Way. Wow. Oh, right.

Weird man. Did they not have a follow-up single? I think they did. They had one second single. But they even... Oh, it was... Somebody once told me the world's gonna roll me. I think Fastball, who did the song The Way,

do you want to hum a few bars? I honestly can't remember it. I remember the video was shot all in one take. No, it was not shot at all in one take. Oh. You're thinking of Closing Time by Semisonic. I'm thinking of Touch of Evil by Orson Welles. I'm thinking of Touch of Evil by Orson Welles.

But it was... Yeah, I remember it was a hit when I was in grade 12. But even then, they were like 38 years old. There were this success story of a band who just stuck with it. I said, yeah, what a concept. I could use a little fuel myself. All those bands. Smash Mouth still? Yeah.

All those bands, Smash Mouth, Fastball, were really popular. I was living in Quebec. Smash Mouth. Fast Mouth. Were still good names. You switch them back and forth. It's good. They were super popular when I was living in Quebec for a year.

And they were always on the radio. And it was always funny to hear the DJ come on and constantly reference those songs and be like smash mouth like fastball smash mouth

you know how they talk and we could all use a little change over her the years got running and the something else You know how they talk. And we could all use a little change. Overheard. Well, the years got running and the something else doing it. Yeah, and I'm the Smash Mouth. For fun. Was the lead singer's name Smash Mouth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am the Smash Mouth. Kevin Smash Mouth. Oh, I thought it was Kenny Smith. No, that was his father. Who used to stick up for him in fights at school. Overhearts. Overhearts.

If you're new to the show, it's a segment where we overhear things. If you're old to the show, welcome back. We like to start with the guest, always. You said you have more than one. In preparation, I had thought of a couple. And actually, in the past, since we had never met you, when we have a new person who we're not that familiar with, I always try to email them and say, have you heard the show before? Do you know the concept? And you had said, yes, I listen to the show.

I'm an avid listener. And I actually searched our email and you had sent in overheards in the past. Do you remember what episodes they aired? I don't remember what numbers, but I remember I sent in a couple did they ever any of them one of them did i was very proud wow yeah it was about a guy in a big bag of bagels oh bagel bag was it him saying like he had to get his kid a present it was like that's yeah i remember that yeah it was in a walmart it's my kid's birthday so he's like a bag of bagels yeah he was like i haven't seen my kid in about 10 months so i figured i better get him something yeah and he had and i don't think i don't think he was referencing the bagels but he had this

giant bag of like like industrial plain bagels like 40 bagels okay well from the uh so yeah so i yeah i so i was like preparing uh overheard so that i would have like good ones yeah let's hear it come on well you do one and then we'll come back around to you and we'll do another okay how about that uh okay that's that makes two i tried to think of ones that were recent uh and so that they're that time has no place yeah right good point as long as you're not referencing like the uh truman Right. Or the Truman Show. Also dated. So I only have one then.

This one, the first one is from the other night during Canucks game seven with the Blackhawks, which I ended up watching. I'm not a big hockey fan, but I was in a sports bar and watching it. And we were sitting beside this two older gentlemen who were talking about engines and cars a lot and they were very like intelligent, complacent men. Like clearly they knew what they were doing and like they understood the mechanics

of engines. And there was this long pause in their conversation and then the one old man just goes I mean you think about the makeup of water. You've got oxygen to burn, hydrogen is your fuel, only thing left is the carbon weird yeah it was so bizarre and we were sitting at the table and i like i was with my friend

who is uh who has studied like chemistry before oddly and i looked over i'm like did you hear what those guys just said can you explain it to me and no matter what we discussed we couldn't figure out what in the world he was referring to. Unless he just doesn't understand the makeup of water. Right. Which has no carbon in it. Yeah. And oxygen to burn and hydrogen to fuel. Those things mean the same thing.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly, yeah. Like, I assumed he was talking about hydrogen engines. And, like, one of them is the fuel. But I don't know. So they're both burning? Like a steam engine? Yeah.

I was just so tied up. Like, I was so, my mind was just blown by it. He was talking about Santa's address that you do at Christmas. Oh, H-O-H-O-H-O. There you go. That's right. C-2-O-1-H. No, three of each.

Ozone. Hydro. What is it when it's three? Tri-hydro-ozonol? I think, wait, is ozone H-3-O? Yep. What's O-H? No, no, O-3 is ozone. O-. Is ozone H3O? Yep. What's OH? No, no.

O3 is ozone. O3 is ozone. Okay. Yeah. OH is like ammonium. OH. Or ammonia. Oh, hey.

Don't email us. No, it's called Danzanite. We do not care. Oh, hey. Danzanite. Nice. Yeah, very good. Dave, do you have one?

Yeah. Okay. Mine's kind of an overseen. It's this commercial that's been on the last few weeks. In Vancouver there's this show happening right now and it's happening. I don't know. It might be over. It's this thing called Cavalia.

Oh, it's horses and humans working together. Centaurs, you're saying. Exactly. Working together to make a baby. It's like they do it in the place where they always do the Cirque du Soleil. The bedroom. They do it in the stables. They also, it has something to do with Cirque du Soleil.

Like it's one of the founders. It might be. Yeah. Because it's like Cirque du Soleil with horses. Yeah. And the commercials for it are just the riders from the show. They come on and they talk about it. And there's this one.

I remember the woman's name is Fairland Ferguson. Which, of course it is. Yeah, yeah, of course. Because she used to be a racing horse. I think they have to have those names just to be involved she comes on and she's talking about you know uh the union between a rider and the horse and how there's so much trust there and the horse is standing behind her it's just like dark but like beautifully lit background uh the horse is behind her and starts to nuzzle the back of her

head and then and then she uh as she's talking she reaches up behind her and pats the horse is behind her and starts to nuzzle the back of her head. And then she, as she's talking, she reaches up behind her and pats the horse and the horse pulls his face away. It's full of her hair. No, no, I don't love you. I'm trying to eat you. Yes, I want to eat your hair.

And it's not acknowledged by anyone. And that's the cut that they took. We did 35 takes, and that was the best one. I showed it to Abby, because I recorded it, because I was like, you've got to see this. And she wasn't impressed. Because it doesn't take a big mouthful of her hair, but there's a bunch of hair in the horse's mouth. And that's straight from the horse's mouth. Fair enough. bunch of hair in the horse's mouth and that's straight from the horse's mouth um the uh this is the thing about that uh show in vancouver i don't know what it's like elsewhere but

they've set up the tents on uh you know it's an abandoned lot it's right near right next to where the uh olympic athletes village was was, where the Olympic athletes stayed. It's right next door to that. You know, there's just two syllables in the word athlete, right? What did I say? Athletes? Athletes. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I think that's how the Greeks originally said it. And they were naked most of the time. Put them up, put them up, athlete. Who am I thinking of? Snagglepuss? Yeah. Yeah. But what They've set it up

It's very industrial It's just a bunch of garbage next to Not unlike bagels I was thinking of the Cowardly Lion Yeah, Cowardly Lion Got him confused with Snagglepuss But yeah The pen What do you call it paddock

where you put the horses let's call it a pen it's paddock uh it's just the worst like shittiest wherever the horses were before being uh brought in to be part of the circus could not have like it's literally their next door neighbor is garbage there's and it's just dirt like it's just but not good like you know dirt you know let's plant something here like not just like yeah like filthy shit dirt yeah usually you think of circus animals as being treated really well but i thought that the whole now i could be wrong that they're associated somehow with cirque du soleil but i thought it was the guy who founded cirque du Soleil. This was his next. You know, this was the Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance to the Riverdance original.

He took the circus idea and mixed that with the idea of a 12-year-old girl who loved horses. Anyways, just the saddest looking situation. Probably that's why it's hungry for hair. Oh, that's because people are dumb

yeah but i don't get why people are that dumb well people go to charlie jean but no they don't this is the same thing as the charlie jean show only a horse comes out on stage and talks about how bad they have it and the the posters for for this horse show uh which makes it seem like a real it's a real dog and pony show minus the dogs. This horse show. It sounds like it's horse shit. This pile of horse show. The quote on it says, the greatest show I've ever seen.

Jay Leno. Oh lord. You notice how he didn't include his own crappy show in that. It would be funny if the quote was on a poster for the Jay Leno show. The greatest show I've ever seen. I think it would be funny if the horses came out dressed as Judge Ito and started dancing.

He'll never live that down in your eyes. That was his peak for me. The Ito dancers? Do you remember that? The dancing Itos. Sorry. Either way it works or doesn't uh my overheard oh please comes courtesy oh please uh of the uh dating uh the speed dating night uh-huh

as i was walking in uh there was a very a very beautiful uh lady talking to a man who was shorter than her she wasn't super tall but he was maybe below average height. She was a shiksa? Yeah, you betcha. And she, she was saying, yeah,

you know, I've traveled all, I've traveled all around China. And he said, oh, that's good. Is that difficult for, to be,

to do that and be a tall woman? That was his conversation piece. he might have been the one i saw sit down and watch the whole game i'm out ah it's all never mind you know what never mind i just was racist and dumb there i'm just gonna go what's up is that difficult are people always asking you to like settle bets for them and fight people for them? Now, you had another overheard, yes? Yeah, from this morning. Ooh, recent. I stopped by a Vancouver local herd.

I stopped by a coffee shop on my way on a little walk this morning. Give a shout out to the coffee shop. What was the name of it? It was Bean Around the World in Kitsilano. Bean is spelled as B-e-a-n yeah which i can never get over like the world is spelled wrong too yeah an umlaut i can never get over how annoying i find the idea that coffee shops need to always remind you they sell coffee yeah it's it's so frustrating to me like we get it yeah cup of joe and it's not bump and grind

like we get it coffee exists and you sell it like it's not like anyone consumes it in bean form yeah that's true chocolate covered um anyway so i went to the coffee shop this morning and there was uh there was a couple uh two uh two older folks sitting at a table and they were being very catty uh over the newspaper like pointing out celebrities in the paper and like, oh, that guy. And then this younger couple came in and they started talking. And while I was waiting for my coffee, the man in the couple, the older man, got really quiet. And he said to them, well, you know, Obama wasn't invited to the royal wedding.

So I'm starting a rumor that the Brits don't like blacks. I'm starting. I know. If you hear that rumor, that's from me. It's from the guy. I love the idea that he's like, I have a network, and I'm going to start telling people this, and it's going to spread. Well, I actually saw a tweet that you tweeted from that very coffee shop.

Yeah. A picture of the... Of the postcards. Yeah. Yeah. They ask for their for their customers if their customers are going out of town to uh send them a postcard to to your favorite and they have a whole wall of them there's like 10 of them i mean that's it's not a whole wall sure a very small wall for that

specific thing there's a little it's like there's a sign that's like send us a postcard and i read a bunch of them and it's like hey, hey, I'm here in Tibet. Really wish I had coffee here. It's terrible. Can't wait to come home. Your pal, Susan. I bet you that's all that they get. It's just like, you can't get a caramel macchiato.

Yeah, it was a great five minutes in that coffee shop. Somebody's in Italy. Can't get a decent cup of coffee. Sorry, guys. It's really good over here. You guys are fucking it up really bad. It was a great five minutes for me. Like, I heard this old guy be catty about Obama and the Royals

and the weird racism that he's spreading. And then, yeah, and then I saw the postcard thing that just blew my mind. I'm going to start a rumor amongst myself and my cat. I love that he was so quiet. He's like, listen, I'm going to start a rumor. No blacks. Yeah, the'm going to... The blacks. The Brits don't like blacks. We also collect overheard... Much like a coffee shop would collect postcards

from around the world. We invite people to send in their overheards to us, both in written form and in phone form. If you want to send in an overheard to us, you can send form and in phone form. If you want to send in an overheard to us, you can send it to StopPodcastingYourself

at gmail.com. And it doesn't cost them anything to email us, right? Yeah. No, it's free. Wow. Yeah, exactly. It should be called

free mail. Yeah. Nailed it. Not bad. This is an overseen from Aaron M. This was given...en from Aaron M. Aaron Mechard.

Dreamy. This was given out to the volunteers at the Eugene, Oregon Park Service. He sent a picture, and what they call the volunteers, it's Parks and Open Spaces Volunteers, and the short form is POS Volunteers. Right. Piece of shit, everybody. on in case piece of ass um uh who had that song wide open spaces oh dixie chicks dixie chicks oh is that the one it goes uh somebody once told me the girl that's the one yes no you're you got the lyrics wrong. Four words in. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Star.

Something star. Homestar. What? What was their song called? All Star. All Star. Rock Star? All Star.

All Star Supernova. This next one comes from Angelo S. Angelo S. My girlfriend had the radio on in the next room while the two of us were getting ready for work in the morning. Sounds nice. That sounds nice. It's a sweet picture. Turn on the radio.

Maybe he's having a shave. Maybe she's shaving. Also, right? Something else. And they splash each other with the water a little bit. Yeah, they're splashing each other. They've got two sinks. Oh, such a nice house. What do you think they're listening to on the radio? Oh, I'll tell you. Smash Mouth?

Yeah. When I managed to... Quebec wants Smash Mouth Station? I managed to catch the following overheard. First radio personality, you know they're shutting down the last typewriter factory down in India. Second radio personality, really? First radio personality, yep, it's true.

Remember those old typewriters back then? A-S-D-F-J-K-L semicolon. That's your home row, kids. Pauses for a second. Oh, wait, they have home rows on computer keyboards, too. Well done. Stupid.

I guess not, but there's never... No kids are learning in school how to text, right? Like as a class? Not yet, but I can see that being... They're bringing those things in. They're bringing in smart... Kids know how to...

Little, little kids know how to use an iPhone and stuff like that. I have a two-year-old who can use an iPad as well as I can. Do you have a son? I have a son, a two and a half year old son. And knows how to use... Yeah, and we have an iPad and he understands like, drag this to the side,

the screen comes up, flip through the screens, find the app. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he learned it so quickly. Yeah. And also he understands that my phone is the same as the iPad

and he can use my phone the same way. Like he gets it. You have a pad phone? Yeah, I have a pad phone. I carry it in a pad phone it's a i carry in a backpack it's pad time yeah um my yeah my niece i always get phone calls from my sister and i pick it up and it's just my niece has accidentally called me here's a question how is it that the last typewriter factory was closing down in 2011 yeah these people probably just forgot

it was there and they went in to set up something else. What are you guys doing in here? Making typewriters? We just never stopped. Do you mean people aren't buying them? Where have they all been going? Some guy, he's the guy in the shipping route just backs it into the dump. All the new typewriters.

And beavers make dams out of them. I think it might be just like an eccentric billionaire who was like, I'm just going to keep making them. Yeah. I saw a photo. Did I say this? I saw a photo of a thing that was an iPad. Like it was a thing that you would put your iPad in and you could type on it and it was shaped like an old typewriter.

I don't know if that was just a graphic that somebody just made up. That sounds like something for an eccentric billionaire. It sounds like something a steampunk would buy, right? Is there steampunk music? Is there steampunk dollars? That's what I was going to say. Oh, there is one band.

The Steampunk Rays. It's Smash Mouth, but they wear... They call themselves Steam Mouth. And they were way ahead of their time. They wear like a copper corset. This last overseen comes from Colin in Bloomington, Indiana. Does Colin have a last?

Nope, not on this. Written on a chalkboard in a coffee shop bathroom, in quotes, the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Hitler. It's a different Hitler. Yeah, Angelo Hitler, you know, the hippie. Angelo. I don't know.

I figured his initials had to stay the same. Angelo. I'll allow it. Yeah um yeah well i don't think he ever said that but i to be fair i haven't read mind comp yeah i find it weird when someone has i tried oh yeah i tried in uh high school yeah it was very it was in our high school library yeah and also uh the reason i stopped is it's unreadable it's areadable Not just that the tone of it is terrible But it's also very poorly written Maybe it's the translation

Like Madonna's sex And his drawings So bad That's what I'm told I remember in high school When someone had read the entire bible And was just like I read it because I don't agree with it.

Yeah. I could never read a book I dislike that much. I have hard enough time finishing off a book I enjoy. Yeah. Sometimes I get midway and then I'm like, yeah, I'm going to fold up. Yeah. Time to send, you know, fold up shop here.

Halfway through a book. I've read two books in really close succession and I realize I'm not good at reading serious books by authors but a book by a comedian, I can read that real fast I can Mo Rocca through it

I read the new Mo Rocca on how to be a judge on top or an iron chef his name's just made up, right? Because it's like Maraca. Right? He just picked an instrument. I wonder.

Yeah. Are there any other examples? Yeah. You, Kolele. That was going to be mine. Tom Boreen. You, Kolele. You isn't a first name.

No, but Tom is. It's just his first initial. Yeah, sure. Tom Boreen, come on. Tom Boreen's pretty good. That's pretty grand. Do we have... We've got called in overheards as well.

Nope. Oh, shit. Oh, we do. Oh, we've got a ton of them. I'll play three. It's been... We're still catching up after you were away. Yeah, I know.

It's crazy. This morning I listened to, I think Maybe 70 of them It took me over an hour Same here, it took me an hour to go through all the written But don't let that stop you Even for a second We certainly go through them all

We don't write back to people anymore, do we? No, I can't Because there's too many people I don't have a job now, but I had's too too many people and uh i don't have a job now but i had a job for a while yeah we don't even write back to people who just say hey i really enjoy the show yeah well what i'm supposed to say i enjoyed your email i guess that'd be really nice but you know a good point i'm gonna start but but we read them all immediately yes like they get they get i read them every day They're black and white and red all over. That's the first thing I look at when I go on the internet is see who wrote to us.

Oh. And then I check out that, what would Tyler Durden do? Filth, you know? Yeah, sure. Roll around in the muck for a bit. Yeah, he doesn't respect bad-looking actresses. Okay. All right.

If you want to call in, it's 206-339-8328. Hello, it's Abby's Aunt Sheila calling from Sweden. I have a bus overheard from the Helsingborg ferry terminal that runs between Sweden and Denmark. Bus driver, not a native Swede, I'm going to guess. He was a swarthy chap. And I got on, I had headphones on. And I was taking a really long

time to leave the stop. And I realized there were some backpackers sort of arguing back and forth with the bus driver, having a difficult time communicating. But I saw that they were holding Danish money instead of Swedish.

And they got off the bus all frustrated. And the bus driver yells to them, If I cut slacks for you, then I have to cut slacks for everyone. Former tailor. I love what she said, holding, as soon as she said holding Danish, I just pictured everybody holding a Danish. Oh, yeah. Well, no, I heard you chuckle a little bit when you said that. I imagined you imagining them holding little Danish money. Is that not what they use as money?

You think it's the plural Danai? Is the plural Danai? What is it? Kroner? No, Kroner. Kroner is Swedish. Yeah. And Danish is also a different kind of Kroner, probably.

Danish Kroners. Now, that's Abby's Aunt Sheila. Abby is my fiancée. Sheila is her aunt. Yes. So she's sort of your Aunt Sheila. Soon. Aunt-in-law.

Yeah. And this summer, she has been a listener to the show since episode one. And this summer, during the wedding, I'll finally get to meet Aunt Sheila. Hopefully before the wedding. Not during the wedding. That'll disrupt everything. No, it's my plan. I'm showing up. Hey, Sheila!

I'm going to do a graduate style. Except... Not the seduction part. Is that what you call meeting people? Yeah. Guys, come on. I'm talking about the part where he sinks down to the bottom of the pool. Have you guys ever done backpacking? Around Europe?

Yeah, I own a backpack. Let's just call it down there. I've done messenger bagging. I wanted to so bad when I got out of high school. I wanted that lifestyle so bad. A smelly lifestyle smelly life yeah like i'm gonna backpack and just sleep in valleys and just around europe and like learn the world

and i did none of it oh really yeah no you went to none of it yeah too late i did none of it i did um i wasn't even called that yet i just knew it oh jayden i think we're gonna get along just fine um i did it i did it as a matter of like uh oh this is what you're supposed to do now yeah that's i think that's how i felt too i think i just i had i had even been to europe and stayed in hotels and you know how great they were yeah oh no how not great they were and how hostiles hostile must be a step down from that. And was it? Yes. But you know it's fun to be on a train in England where

drunk soccer hooligans are making fun of you for reading a book. Oi bookie! Yeah, a book by a comedian. I think I was reading, I was pretending I was you know, life was meaningful back atlas shrugged yeah sure sure the unbearable lightness of being i think it had a lot to do for me i think a lot

to do with growing up on the prairies and uh like idolizing um brent but a brent but and so and i knew that he moved to vancouver and i was like i'm gonna be a backpacker like everyone who lives on the west coast like ordering like ordering everything I could from Mountain Equipment Co-op and having a ton of gear and have nothing to do with it. You buy all tent poles. Yeah. I bought 110 poles. Another one? Who's the kicker?

What? Oh, wait. Before you say it, are you talking about the football place kicker from Saskatchewan? Dave Ridgway? Was it Dave Ridgway? Dave Ridgway played for the 1989 Rough Riders who won the Grey Cup. Was he the kicker? He was the robo kicker, he was called.

Because he had a prosthetic leg. A prosthetic leg. And they never stopped him from using it. He was always 100% because he was dialing the coordinates. It was always the ball and his legs sometimes. Another team had a horse, right? There was nothing in the rule book

that said that you can't have a tinned wolf, a horse, and Smash Mouth. Was that your question? I came up with Brent Butt as a prairie person. Dave Ridgway isn't from Saskatchewan, though. He's American.

That's where he hit his stride. Yes, he's very, very, very famous. Although I believe he also went on to beat his wife after he retired. And everybody in Saskatchewan was like, oh, Dave Ridgway. I'm not taking free tickets to see him kick a ball into this theater.

One of our 1980s football heroes was Swervin mervin fernandez yeah and he was later uh i think arrested for exposing himself in front of a window that's why they called him swervin although i'm like an angan langan yeah and i feel feel like that's kind of like... That could happen to any of us. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Well, I'm staying with your past guest, Ryan Beal, while I'm in town. And was in his shower this morning. And didn't notice until halfway through that the window beside the shower was wide open the whole time. And there's like tons of windows in the building next door. And I was very visible to everybody. You're giving everybody the hot dog dance. Never even thought about it. Mervin.

Yeah. That's what they call me. Get your Mervin on. Yeah, that's what I call it. Mervin's California. Hey, this is Sam from Rockford, Illinois. I just heard a kid outside of a trading card game store wearing a shirt with well, a shirt

with a nerdy reference on it and carrying a big deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, talking to his friend. This kid is about, I'd say, eight or nine, or maybe a little older. I heard him say, yeah, I'm going to give that bitch a week. Give me back my Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Yu-Gi-Oh? Yu-Gi-Oh. I-Gi-Oh, Yu-Gi-Oh card

Yu-Gi-Oh? Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh I-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh We all do For Yu-Gi-Oh Those stores

Yes How do they stay in business? Do they charge you to come in and play? What? Card stores? Yeah Drugs It's a front

Yeah, your answer is drugs Nationwide Drug money Because, I mean they they sell cards but they also hold these like nerdaments yeah yeah it's true probably entry fees yeah is it like an entry no drugs honestly it's like it's all cash nobody none of those kids are coming with credit cards so it's all cash transaction it's perfect as a drug front like a restaurant it's second only to restaurant card shops are the new restaurant because it's all cash transaction it's perfect as a drug front like a restaurant it's second

only to restaurant card shops are the new restaurant because it's usually some uh you know dweeby guy that the mob could really push around easily he doesn't know kung fu or have a rifle or a dad yeah he has a lot of swords around the store but he doesn't know how to use them and they're not sharp yeah there's a there's a nerds uh sword shop up near where i live uh you've talked about it many times yeah well every time somebody says nerds and swords i feel like i have to bring up the fact that it's still in business that's the name of it nerds and swords they sell the uh candy nerds and if you can cut a nerd in half with a sword and it's just uh the the uh logo is a guy trying to push up his glasses but he's got a bloody stump because of his sword because he

sorted himself yeah because he's not because he's a nerd he's not a swordsman no he's a nerdsman nerdsmith oh uh man yeah i don't know how they stay in business. There was one by my house growing up, and it didn't stay in business. Now that you mention that about kids not being – kids don't have credit cards or debit cards. They would have if the Kardashians had continued with their credit card plan, then all the kids would have them. with their credit card plan than all the kids would have them. That's weird, because kids are so... Like you were talking about

with your iPad, kids are so used to new technology and stuff, and yet handling money is still probably something that kids have to do. You're not giving a debit card to a kid. But it's weird, though,

that that's the most primitive thing that a kid will do. That's true. That's true. Aside from learning cursive. Yeah. And I almost guarantee they don't do that anymore. I remember. Thank you for your almost guarantee.

Yeah, it's a half guarantee. So if you disprove it, I don't care. I remember when I was a kid and some teacher told me that you would have to know how to do cursive. And even as a kid, I instinctively new i don't believe it i am living proof that that is untrue because i i learning cursive writing i can't do it never could yeah and uh and i had several teachers try really hard to get me to and then in grade five i had this great teacher uh mr moppin who i was trying really hard Really hard to try

He just shrunk Mary Poppin together That's all he did Mr. Moppen Who just said, you know what He was just like, you know what, don't worry about it He said he was a teacher Oddly he wasn't there most days Mr. Sweepin and Mr. Moppen

Also I went to school in a gymnasium and thermostates. Mr. Sweeping and Mr. Mopping. Also, I went to school in a gymnasium. I had a teacher once tell me that I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. How was she looking? I don't know what the next line is. She was looking kind of dumb

with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead. That's a good line. Well, the years stopped coming and they don't stop going. Where have all these lyrics been the whole time? They fed you the rules and they hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun.

Your brain gets smart, but your head gets done. So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with digging the back street? You never know until you don't grow? No. You never shine if you don't grow? No. You never shine if you don't glow. I know that. Rook-a-rick-rook.

Rap scratch. I don't remember there being a turntablist in the Smash Mouth 3. I would buy their greatest hits. Yeah. It'd be short. Cheap. No, it wouldn't. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom,ap. No, it wouldn't.

Can't get enough of you, baby. Yeah. And they got that song from the In Sound from Way Out. Their first hit was that one that went, Walking on the Sun, it was called. Oh, yeah. And the riff was from the first ever electronic album called the In in sound from way out wasn't that a beastie boys album well it was named after it oh okay god damn you guys are a uh this feels right this is we uh we filled out the wiki pdf page wiki pdf smash man get out of here mr wiki did yeah all right finally hey stop podcasting yourself We kill Wiki, dude. All right, finally.

Hey, stop podcasting yourself. This is Austin from Utah, and I have an overheard, an overread, rather. Several months ago in my email inbox, I was sifting through the spam and trying to find anything meaningful because sometimes it gets sent there. And I had one email from a company that wanted to make my penis larger and the subject line of the email read big penis like a girl.

Oh, wow. He got that backwards. Girls like a big penis. Oh, right. Wow, gross. i love that he refers to it as a company who wanted to make his like not that you want it we really would just email us back we want to help help me help you yeah they're a group of wish granters show us the penis oh come on uh for our listeners out there your penis is perfect the way it is.

Yeah, right? Just enjoy your penis. Enjoy it with your significant other or by yourself or in front of a store window like a NCFeller. It wasn't a store window. It was his apartment window. Oh, yeah. But he lived in the Hudson's Bay. Yeah.

Oh, I thought he flashed people that were in a store. No, he flashed people. He didn't. I'm sure, like, if... He, like, got out of a shower. Yeah, I'm sure it was me in my situation. Was it you that did it? Yes.

Ah, what a concept. Take that mask off. It's me, swerving Mervin. Swerving Mervin. Slopping Mopping. Flopping Min', probably. If you want to call in overheards, you can do so at 206-339-8328 or stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com.

That pretty much brings us to the end of things. I know you asked for dreams. Oh, and I got one, but I want to pile it up. We were saying last week, you know how boring it is when somebody tells you a dream? Sure. Forward us your dreams. We'll analyze them. Or we'll just chat about them.

But save your friends the trouble. Can we just... Can the segment just be us talking about how boring your dream is? Mm-hmm. Every show. Because I hate this idea. Okay. And then I love that you hate it.

So I want it to happen even more now. Like I said, 206-339-8328 or stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. Hey now. Yeah, hey now. You're a rock star. All-star? All-star. Where can we find you online?

You can find jadenpfeiffer.com exists but has nothing on it. But it belongs to you? It belongs to me. It's not some weird real estate guy? No, I own the domain. Does it have the little picture of a guy digging a hole and it says working on it? But it belongs to you? It belongs to me. It's not some weird real estate guy? No, I own the domain. Does it have the little picture of a guy digging a hole and it says working on it? Probably. A little gif.

Yeah. You can, probably the best place is on Twitter, which is at Jaden Pfeiffer. Spell it out. J-A-Y-D-E-N-P-F-E-I-F-E-R. Like the sexy Pfeiffer. That's right. Well, both of them, Mak and uh yeah what about paul yeah paul oh marilyn manson no thanks uh and it's not that good and or uh uh on facebook jayden

pfeiffer you can check me out there jayden five and do you have anything upcoming that you want um i run a i i produce a uh like a live variety show uh in reg Red Hot Riot, which is once a month on a Sunday. The next one's on May 15th. So if people are in Regina or area, which I'm sure you have many listeners from that area, they can come check it out. Where is it at?

It is at a little theater in Regina called The Artesian, a great little theater. Nice. So you can check that out on Facebook as well. Red Hot Riot Show is where it's listed.

ZootSuitRiot.com. Exactly. Thank you. Well, that's awesome. Yeah. And do you have other things to plug? Sorry, I cut you off. No, that's not really.

General Fools, my improv company, we produce a large festival every year, which is in June. So that's General Fools Festival in mid-June. Also in Regina. Also at the Artesian, GeneralFools.com. Wow, good plugs. Sorry, I really do feel bad that I cut you off there. You had a whole other thing to plug. Not at all.

Thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me, guys. Dave, do you have anything you want to plug? I don't think so. I will say to people in Vancouver, at the end of May, I will be headlining at the Comedy Mix. Dave Shumka will also be on the show, and past guest

Ivan Decker as well will be on the show. Is he your host? He is the host for the evening. You will be the feature act, and I will be the headline act. Great! So that will be the last weekend of May at the Comedy Mix in Vancouver. And also

we will be on a show with Hannibal Buress, a very funny comedian, in the middle of June at the Biltmore. Tickets for that are still online, I think. Yes, if you go to the Biltmore website, which I think is Biltmore.ca. I think it might be BiltmoreCabaret.something. Goodness gracious. Anyway. we've built more cabaret dot something.

Goodness gracious. Anyway. And also, you will be appearing on a television show that is now airing on CBC. Yeah, the Debaters Comedy Show. The Debaters Variety Hour. Many of our guests have been on. Many of our guests, many of Canada's best and brightest are on the show. Unfortunately, there's not a predetermined time slot, but if you go to

cbc.ca slash the debaters, you will be able to find out when episodes are airing in your local area. And yeah, that's everything. I think that's the best way to launch a new TV show, is not to give it a predetermined time. And also, yeah, force people to go to a website

with a slash in it. Unless it's slash.com which is so popular um thank you again jayden for being our guest thanks for having me uh dave i'm singing the guitar solo from uh oh i know that song november rain yeah somebody once told me thanks everybody for listening to the show if you like to tell your friends and come on back next week for another smash mouthian episode of stop podcasting yourself alright you guys ready totally All right. You guys ready?

Totally. Dave? Energy. Thank you. Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 164. You need to restart. Thank you, Dave. Jesus Christ.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number... Oh, no. What do I have to do? What do I have to do? What do I have to do? Everybody just relax. Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at him.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number... Oh, shit. Come on. Come on now. Please. Come on, guys. If you guys wanted to do a big favor to me, you would use all of this. It would mean the world.