Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 170 - Alison Agosti

Episode Date: June 14, 2011

From the piping hot city of Lost Angeles, twitperstar Alison Agosti joins us to talk about moving, lady ministers, and Dorf.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 170 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and we are recording from sunny Los Angeles, made famous by the movie Battle Los Angeles. I'm here, as always, with the Randy Newman of the podcast scene, Mr. Dave Shumka. I love it. There you go.

And our guest, very special guest, a California native, a Twitter celebrity, a freelance writer, and the ex-guest of her own ex-podcast, Live From a Shoebox.

Ex-host. Yeah, what did I say? I think you said ex-guest. Sure. Ex-factor. Miss Alison Agosti is our guest. Hey. I think we say Agosti. Is it Agosti? I apologize. That's me and my Canadianisms.

Hello. Welcome. Thanks, Dave. Now, before we get to know us, Dave and Allison have... Okay, before we get to know nothing, we're recording, we have a mobile setup, there's a lot of Ps that be poppin'. I apologize for the audio quality, it's mostly Graham at this point. Wait, don't you mean you apologize? What do you mean it's mostly me?

I haven't moved an inch i know but your voice is the worst what am i supposed to do about my voice well let's get to know us for those listening at home we put human socks on the microphone dave's human socks dave's human socks at Allison's behest. Who was right. Yeah. Now, also, I should explain that you two have some weird divorced couple energy. I have that with a lot of women. Yeah, but it's very palatable. Listen to our episodes with, like, Jane Stanton.

Oh, yeah. I'm well aware of it. But this has been since poor Allison's walked in the hotel. It's true. And we have an internet history of it, too this has been since poor Allison's walked in the hotel. It's true. And we have an internet history of it, too. Yeah, you guys bicker online. People love it. Yeah, people do love it.

Yeah. We do kind of love it. So sweaty. This city's the worst. Also being yelled at about the sock thing. It's not helping me. Now, Allison, what's going on for you? You just moved.

Now, Allison, I ask this of every female I meet. Are you loving the new Adele CD? I am loving the new Adele CD. Are you? No. I remember the last time you were in town and just talking about how much you loved Katy Perry. Yeah, well, that's different. Why is that different?

Because Katy Perry's talented. You don't think? I'm just joking. Ah, you guys uh but uh man man people really love that adele women really love that adele do you love the adele yeah sure why not she's got a beautiful voice she sings about sad things what the fuck is your problem oh is this a no sway i feel like you guys don't know no we we swear it's okay we're in the states you know it's like things are a little more off the hook.

Don't we say the stoots? We always say it. Yeah, our accent is that we're going to the unuted stoots. We can't pronounce any vowels correctly. Yeah. Y'all. We're going to the unuted stoots. I'm going to need like an hour.

Okay, so that was fun to get out of the way. Let's learn a little bit about Allison Augusty. Yeah. What's going on? We're talking into human socks. Things are really coming together. She's really, she doesn't bring her A-game. She just can't focus.

She's losing her mind. There's a sock on my microphone. Yeah, your idea. Did it work? I don't know. You're not saying it. It worked. When are we going to start the show, you guys?

Davicus. It worked. Yeah, totally worked. Did you know that Dave was short for Davicus? How did you know that? In Canada, right? Yeah. It's just going to be Canadian jokes.

Second most common name in Canada. Davicus. Right after Derv. Donald Sutherland. Not Derv. Get out of here. Derv isn't a name. It's a position in Parliament.

Allison. You just moved. I did just move. You're living with a roommate. I am living with a roommate. Is this a house? Is this an apartment? What are we looking at here?

It's an apartment. Yeah. God, this is going to be thrilling. Well, you know what? We're just trying to get to know you. The funny will come from this. Okay. Do you love living in Los Angeles?

Yes, I do. What is your most favorite part aside from the nonstop sunniness? I mean, that's pretty good. Yeah, sure. I feel like there's something for everybody. That sounds super lame. Los Angeles.

Something for everybody. You should work for the Chamber of Commerce. I do. Really? No, not really. What is the Chamber of Commerce? Is it like a better business bureau? Sure.

Here's what I want to know if Los Angeles has. Aqueducts. Because that's what I'm into. Why are you into aqueducts? Don't ask why. Just do you have them? Yes. Oh, okay.

Well, this is the city for me. You can't see them right now. They're not in season yet. Yeah. They grow. What do you think an aqueduct is, Graham? Those things, the things that we saw

when we were flying in. The Terminator chased the kid in. Yeah, that's not an aqueduct, is it? An aqueduct is like... Isn't it that brings water

in and out of the city? Yeah, and the kids from Greece race their cars in it. Isn't that an aqueduct? Is that what that is? Is that not an aqueduct? What is that? A cliff? Do you know what that is? Is that not an aqueduct? What is that?

A cliff? Do you know what that is? Do you know what we're talking about? You're the worst tour guide. So no guests this week on the show. Sorry, guys. You're having fun, right? This is good.

I just want you to say funny words. We landed in town. Aqueduct. We discovered that there's a movie apparently called Mr. Popper's Penguins. Never heard of that. Yeah, I don't know anything about it other than Jim Carrey's in it. Yeah, and it's on every sign everywhere in Los Angeles. They want the Los Angelinos to really get into this penguin film.

Yeah, we are. Yeah? What's it about? There's something for everyone. Kind of like Los Angeles. Yeah. God damn it Gosh darn it I feel like I can't cuss in front of you guys

You cuss I feel like you're too Canadian Do you mean cuss? I don't hear cuss very much I say cuss and swear a lot I say swear Sure We call them swears

Sure Self mouth No one ever calls them cur curses uh that's true curse words what are you doing over there just feeling feeling the window yeah how come you're allowed to make window sounds and i'm not even allowed to you hear sounds yes sorry i apologize i just wanted to feel the cold window on the hot skin like a feral cat yeah now uh are we still on you've just moved i don't think we started recording yet no between you and me i'm enjoying every second of it actually um now uh you grew up in some place called kookamonga which rancho Cucamonga. Which, until very recently,

I thought Cucamonga was a made-up place. It's real. Yeah. Well, your boss convinced you it was a made-up place. Yeah, that Cucamonga was a thing that was made up by Warner Brothers, for Bugs Bunny to say. And Jack Benny.

What did Jack Benny... Jack Benny made it famous. Same thing. On the Jack Benny show Frank Nelson used to yell next stop kookamonga right yeah that's the one I'm thinking of and Bugs Bunny would say something too

yeah and it's but it's a real place and that's where you were born and raised that's where I was raised where were you born? Kansas City, Missouri and why did you guys move tornadoes, Missouri. Get out! Whoa, K-Simo! And why did you guys move?

Tornadoes. Too many tornadoes, right? Yes. Yeah. That exact reason. Oh, I'm always... Here's something that I've always wondered about. Kansas City, Missouri and Kansas City, Kansas, are they the same city? Just on the border or something?

Yeah, they're right next to each other, but... But they're not the same city. But they're not the same city. Do you think that they were the same city at some point and then they put up the border states and they were like well i'm not giving up the name well neither am i yeah do you think that yes you knew a lot about jack benny yes i do um what was life like in kookamonga why did you leave kookamonga let's just shorten it i could call it rancho or i could call it kookamonga it's just pretty fun to say too yeah no Rancho or I could call it Cucamonga. Rancho's pretty fun to say, too.

Yeah. No, put the whole thing together. Why did you leave Rancho Cucamonga? Because it sounds like a made-up place? Yeah, well, and you don't stay there unless you get pregnant in high school. Oh, and that didn't happen for you? No. Unfortunately, I kept waiting. I know.

I just didn't meet the right guy. You don't have to. You just have to do it with the right guy. I didn the right guy. You don't have to. You just have to do it with the right guy. I didn't do it. You don't have to really meet him. You don't even have to do that. You have to find a couple that's doing it, and then when they're done, just go rub up against stuff that they touched. Yeah, yeah, oh, right.

Is that how you think a baby gets made? Well, I mean, if you're desperate. If you're desperate to be a housewife. Not even a housewife, like just to live with your parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the main industry in Rancho Cucamonga is pregnancy. Teen pregnancy. Making babies.

Or just being like a suburban family. Sure. Is there a mill there or something? Orchards? There used to be grapevines. A mill is like a mom I'd like to lick. Yeah, yeah. I'd like... Yeah, that works. Pretty proud of myself.

Yeah, well, you should be. Or should you be? I don't like the influence this city has had on you, Dan. No, that's true. What do people do? Are your parents still in Rancho Cuconga yes what do they do uh fight this is not gonna be my uh my dad works for social security sure and my mom is a therapist oh i thought you're gonna say your mom collects social security that would have been perfect yeah

a lot of tension in that relationship when are you getting off of it when you stop giving it pretty good um any siblings no no oh only child what's that like yeah it's kind of weird and awful is it really but do you know what the alternatives are like it seems cool it seems cool to have a it is pretty cool We all wear shades in my family. Yeah. We do a lot of theme photography. We all wear the same outfit to Sears. And knowing that you could probably get an organ if you needed it.

Oh, that's true. I thought you... My brother was a Wurlitzer. Yeah, when you said that, I thought of the instrument. Because I thought, oh yeah, I guess you could start a family band. Yes! So, being Because I thought, oh yeah, I guess you could start a family band. So being an only child, some therapists say that only children grow up and they're weird. Is that true?

Do you feel like you're an outcast? Right? Some therapists think that. Sure. Probably a little true. was it sad or were they putting like all of their hopes and dreams into just you yeah i think a little bit of that and man that was not a good idea did you have friends did i have friends yeah um yes i had friends the reason i ask is because i am the youngest of four kids but my uh closest sibling is my sister, and she's four years older than me. And my parents were always like, oh, Dave, get some friends. Why don't you invite some friends over?

And I think they were really worried that when the last of my siblings moved away, I would just be this weird, lonely kid. And look at you now. Yeah, look at me now. I'm sweating in a hotel. Sure, but you don't have a sock on your mic, so. That's true. Now, here's the thing. You were the youngest.

When you went to school, did all the teachers know you? Like, oh, you're so-and-so's younger brother. Yeah, I did have a... Something to live up to. No, it was never any pressure placed on me, although my older siblings, some of them were very great students. Ah. Some of them were, I think, average, above average, I don't know.

We're like... Have you seen that movie, The Royal Tenenbaums? Yes. We're like the cab drivers in that movie. I understood. No, I never really had anything to live up to, but it was all like, oh, yeah, I used to teach your brother. Tell him I said hey. My younger brothers both got, I hope you won't talk as much in class.

Poor brother. Poor them. So much to live up to So you're an only child My cousin's an only child She turned out great Do you know her? Have you met Kristen?

Yeah at the conference The OCC The hugs are a little too long I held in Ord County this year It was the OCOCC We just quietly play with Legos in our bedroom The OCC held in Ord County this year. It was the OC OCC. Loner Con. We just quietly play with Legos in our bedroom. Yeah, the imaginary friend pavilion.

So you grew up there. Then Rancho Cucamonga is too small to contain the mind and the being of Alison Auguste. So you struck out for the big city. Sure. Right? And when you first moved here, did you live in like a slum? A barrio? Why? Well, you know, you always hear, you know,

oh, when I moved to LA, I lived in my car. I lived in some weird slum. Yeah, but she wasn't trying to make it. She wasn't like some hayseed. Yeah, but how do I? It sounded like she's from a hayseed town. That's true. Lots of pregnum. Yeah, but she wasn't trying to make it. She wasn't like some hayseed. Yeah, but how do I know? It sounded like she's from a hayseed town. Lots of pregnancies. Her mom's on social security.

But it's driving distance, isn't it? Yes, it's like an hour away. Getting off that bus. Must have been weird. One ticket for Los Angeles. No, the place that I lived in, I just moved out of the first place that I lived in. Oh, so you lived. It was only my second apartment in LA.

Now, do you miss your place? Or did you hate it? Did you hate it? Did you move out of it because you hated it? I kind of hated it. Okay, because you were in a slum? Like a barrio. Were there bodegas i lived in my car we don't know anything except um how far away from la

cienega boulevard we know i think i've proved that i don't either oh you don't know where la cienega is no i know where la cienega is? No, I know where La Cienega is, but I feel like... This is too local. People are going to turn it off. No, you know what? I feel like a fraud, an L.A. fraud. For people who aren't from L.A., La Cienega is where I first learned about Mr. Popper's penguins. Right? Okay, so that ties in altogether. Yeah. I don't even think you've specified that it's a street. At this point, it could be anything.

You said boulevard. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. maybe you did so uh you lived in uh where did you live what are you what you guys when are we gonna start the podcast yeah seriously so get to know us i think what we usually i'm trying to learn i think what we usually say is, hey, what's up? Which I did originally, and then she just started laughing. Am I? Are you? Allison Augusty, what's going on with you lately?

Gosh, other than moving, I don't know if I have anything for you. Well, now I want you to take your criticism back. I do, I do. It's on her. I'm a boring guest. That's not true. I've had a lot of fun so far. But what? Okay, I do. It's on her. I'm a boring guest. That's not true. I've had a lot of fun so far. Okay, the move. Friend move.

Movers. How did you just punch yourself in the face? It's okay. It's okay. I didn't think you were going to bring it up. Punching yourself in the face? That's okay. Just a little bit. She punched herself in the microphone. We all heard it.

But not as loudly because it's got a sock on it totally uh did you get friends to help you yeah how was that was it the worst yeah they were all mad at me i feel like at this point did you get them pizza or beers no neither neither and last night i have this pops insider incredibly heavy desk it's got to be a hundred pounds What? Like a marble desk? I don't know. 100 pounds isn't that heavy. I don't think I could lift 100 pounds. Okay. It's really heavy.

And taking it upstairs, and we moved it at like midnight. Why did you move it at midnight? It was just the weird time. That's when our lease ended. Yeah. It was just the weird time that he could do it. I feel like he just gave me the stink eye the whole time. I was just at the bottom of the stairs holding it up.

He was just glaring at me. We just did one step at a time. Lifting it, pushing it a little. Is it the kind of thing you can take apart? Are there pieces to it? Did you take the drawers out? No. You left the drawers of thing you can take apart are there pieces to it did you take the drawers out no you left the drawers did you take your drawers off what are drawers underwears yeah but like is there a specific kind of underwear are they boxers boxers draws

is that an accent yeah that's how uh will smith used to say it on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yeah, he's the only person I knew who said it either. Yeah, he said draws. I don't know anything about Fresh Prince culture, except what I saw on the television. Then you know everything about Fresh Prince culture. Then you're an expert. Well, then I know it's pronounced draws. Okay, sure. You moved.

You moved a desk. And you've got a new roommate. I do have a new roommate. And as your new roommate, are you the neatnik? Are you a real... No, I'm disgusting. Yeah. Oh, you're the real...

Oh, the beatnik and the neatnik. Ah, my two-person show. Yeah. The beatnik collects social security. The neatnik works for social security. Oh, that's pretty good. Cast it. Oh, okay. First of all, it would be on neatnik at night. Neatnik works for Social Security. That's pretty good. Cast it.

First of all, it would be on Neatnik at night. I think that the Neatnik should go against type. Jack Klugman. What is his name? Sean William Scott? Stifler. He should be the Neatnik. I like him when he tries to be serious.

When he tries to be a grown-up. Will this be like a grown-up the beatnik should be this also be against type no this will be with type i think it should be the drummer from the roots oh quest love yeah why couldn't if we're going with type and against type why can't we just use computers and have two sean william scott's sean william scott is the neatnik and the beat that probably saves a saves a lot of money, a la The Social Network. Yeah. Where they only had to hire one guy instead of a pair of twins. Yeah. Oh, brother, don't get me started on the twins union.

Dave, what's going on with you, buddy? Well, a couple weeks ago, you and I did a weekend at the comedy club. And when Allison was talking about lifting a desk, a of the comedy club and when allison was talking about lifting a desk a hundred pound desk and how hard that was it's probably a it's probably a lie too i bet it's 50 pounds well probably i'd love that we were talking backstage about uh um uh bench pressing because there were the two huge bench pressing dudes in the front row three sure sorry well one of them didn't he wasn't as big as the other two. Yeah, one of them wasn't so good at bench-pressing.

I think he was probably more of a rowing machine. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He had more of a swimmer's build. You're right. Yeah, or a dancer's body like myself. Yes. But we were talking backstage about bench-pressing, and we actually had Ivanivan look up who what

the world bench pressing record is and it's like a thousand and seventy pounds yeah which is like well how much does a car weigh a car is like over a ton i don't know um you know what it was after like you know after 10 pounds it's all a blur after yeah i know i can't lift a car i can but like i get my hands under the bumper of a car i can i can wiggle it i can yeah if i have a jack i can move a car like up yeah is that the problem that these bench present guys haven't discovered simple machines yeah yeah exactly i don't understand physics how much is a ton is a ton 2500 i thought oh i don't know is a ton a thousand pounds ton 2,500? Oh, I don't know. Is a ton 1,000 pounds?

It is 1,000 pounds. Oh. Yeah. And do not correct us on this. No, it is. It's 1,000 pounds because, you know, in those specials

where they have the morbidly obese people who can't fit through the doorways, they say, you know, if they're 1,000, 200. Yeah, exactly. No one's 1,000 pounds, though. No, yeah.

There have been. No, no, no. Yes, yes. 800, maybe. No, there's been 1,000 pounds, exactly. No one's 1,000 pounds, though. No, yeah, there have been. No, no, no. Yes, yes. 800 maybe. No, there's been 1,000 pound man. What does Shaq weigh? Shaq? Probably 300.

Yeah, he's probably like 300. You couldn't bench press him. Yeah, is that weird? I couldn't bench press Shaq? No. You're right. Well, that's because he's so wiggly. Yeah, and because he would keep talking to you, Dave, keep doing it. Well, if he because he's so wiggly. Yeah. And because he would keep talking to you, Dave, keep doing it.

Well, if he was trying to, is he coaching me through it or is he? He's coaching you through it halfway. Then he's making fun of you the rest of the time. When he's saying, Dave, keep doing it, is that too, because he really enjoys it? Yeah, yeah. You've got one hand on his butt. And the other one? On the back of his neck that's really stiff. And the other one's making a peace sign.

Is that Alanis? Yeah. Is that Adele? Now, guys, for reals. So we were talking backstage about you not being able to bench press. Wait, no. Well, you said you didn't think you could bench press... 45 pounds.

You said you didn't think you could bench press um 45 pounds you said you didn't think you could bench press 30 pounds yeah i said no way and i was like well that's two 15 pound weights you could totally do it nope and then uh uh someone backstage was like you know the bench pressing bar itself weighs 45 pounds yeah and i couldn't it. And we were trying to convince you that you could. And I was telling you guys that I cannot. But this is I, you know you can. It would be different if I was saying that I can and you guys were like nah, that's bullshit. No, no. But I'm telling you

I cannot. If you said you could, we would all just agree with you though. Like, yeah, you could. I don't know. You could do it with one hand. Oh, come on now. Let's not talk crazy talk. You've carried more than 45 with one hand. Oh, come on now. Let's not talk crazy talk. You've carried more than 45 pounds of groceries. Yeah, but that's leg muscle.

You know, when you're lifting things with your upper body and your legs combined. But bench press is all just your pecs and your arms. Actually, I don't think I ever have bench pressed, and I bet my legs would be all flopping everywhere, flailing around. Yeah, you'd be using all this lower muscle like why is it not going up to the top um yeah no it's uh so that's what's been going on with me no uh this uh past weekend uh abby and i um my beautiful fiance we went uh to gabriela island the site of our upcoming nuptials. I'm sorry, which ones? Is it nuptials or nachos? Yeah, oh, nachos are what you eat after the nuptials. Or during.

But yeah, so we had to meet with a couple of people. And my favorite was we met with the minister. Yeah. And her house is up on this hill. A lady minister. What year is this? 2011.

My goodness, eh? Yeah, it's the best. Are there going to be, like, wind chimes that you're winning? Yeah, well. There's going to be wind chimes. Who told you her name? Minister Wind Chimes. Yeah, of course there's going to be who told you her name minister winch yeah of course there's gonna be winch lucy winch reverend winch some sort of menstrual part of the reverend q winch q they're gonna be a menstrual part yes it's gonna be during the

high moon we're getting married on the solstice. Yeah. As dictated by Dave's Wicca religion. Describe her haircut. Short? It's gonna be akin to the Lion King when he holds up the baby lion. Is she gonna hold up both of you? That's gonna be more than 45

pounds. Yeah. Okay, for realsies. No, she's just a normal lady. Yeah. Lady ministers exist. Got a short, tight haircut, though. Nope. Long and loose and full of juice.

Okay. Wow, kind of like your hair, Allison. Yeah. You know what? Oh, now that I think of it. It was giggly, too. Yeah. You may now kiss the bride under the full moon.

Oh. I may now pronounce you man and werewolf. Man and wolf. Love it. Okay. For reals. Man and woman. He's serious when he's touching the window.

The window. Yeah. Gives me energy. Guys, I... Is this the worst podcast ever? No. No, believe me, it's not. Not even close.

Of ours? Yeah. Are you sure? Okay, so we went up to the lady. Yeah. Went up to her house to meet her. And I think she forgot that we were meeting her. No clocks.

She goes by the sun. She goes by the sun. She goes by scent. And she was frying up. It was at three o'clock in the afternoon. She was frying up some mushrooms that stunk. And placenta. Yep. Some placenta.

She was also a midwife who gets paid in placenta. She's also a midwife who gets paid in placenta. I get paid polenta. Do you think polenta and placenta are the same thing? I'm not convinced they're not, but go on. Okay, so we went up to her house. Lots of wind chimes, like Allison. There was probably a set of wind chimes. Yeah.

And we met with her and she was like, oh, you can't park in my driveway right now. You have to move your car because I have a friend over. He's... Talking cat. He's got some... He's got some health problems and he's just going to hang out for a little while

but we can still meet and the guy i didn't get a look at him i just heard him in the next room and uh he apparently had sleep apnea oh that means that you're uh too fat in the face i guess uh i didn't get a look at him, but he didn't sound fat, but he would be talking to our minister and then moments later snoring. Like snoring so loud through our entire meeting. And then we'd be laughing at him and he'd wake up. Oh yeah, I do that.

Well, it sounds like he's narcoleptic more than sleep apnea. If he was just falling asleep just all over the place in the middle of the day. I guess probably, yeah. Sounds like he was a warlock. Am I right? Yeah. Guys, this has gone far enough. All right, lady minister.

Listen, I will fight for female rights to be ministers, to be rabbis. Yeah, why do you want women to be back in the kitchen barefoot? No, no, I don't. I just, there's something weird about lady ministers. Is there something weird about lady politicians? No. You think so. Admit it, you think so.

What about lady doctors? No, that's fine. And what about me using the term lady? I mean, as long as OBGYNs. Yeah. No, no, no. What if a lady is a sports medicine doctor is that weird well like field hockey yeah yeah like a field hockey doctor it's fine

but she's pushing it okay what if uh what if a lady is an astronaut is that weird i mean diaper lady so we saw that went crazy diaper lady oh Huh? We saw that one. Crazy diaper lady. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, that's right. But was she an astronaut? She was having an affair with an astronaut who... I think she was an astronaut, too. Yeah, but he...

I think they were all astronauts. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, you know, but like people that just sleep with astronauts who are like groupies are called Tang Bunnies. Do I know that? Is that what you're asking me? Now you do.

Wikipedia. Are you super excited about the wedding after meeting with the lady minister? Yep. No, I'm not super excited about the wedding. It's going to be great. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be fun.

Yeah. We're going to have a lot of fun. I don't want, you know, it's not going to be a lot of fun i don't want you know it's not gonna be there's nothing to worry about for a second i felt like i was trying to calm you down alice i'm fine i don't know where my invite is did you no no and that's why i laughed just because you're not invited why would you be i don't know i wouldn I wouldn't go. Yeah, thanks. Really? No, she wouldn't. Get out of this smog, smog filled, whatever.

You guys, is it smoggy? In this room? No, you know, it's Los Angeles. We're just, you know, we're just ribbing it. You know, I think you could take it. We all watched L.A. Story last night. Sure. Yeah, to prepare for the trip. Wasn't that great?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Come on. Sarah Jessica Parker at her finest. At her, yeah. I think L.A. has had it with being ribbed. I think L.A.'s tired of it. Oh, really?

Do you think they're going to rise up? I think that they are. Uh-huh. And then what? With me, who doesn't really know what anything is. Yeah. Give us some communities in L.A. that you think are really going to come into their own. Yeah.

That are angry about being made fun of? No, they're gonna come into their own yeah that are that are angry about being made no they're just coming into their own they're rising up what are the uh according to la weekly yeah i think yes uh barrio town orange bag central yeah the airport yeah food truck district the food truck district la that can take a hike i'm so tired of people talking about food oh we're just getting them in vancouver yeah what's oh are you have you had it yeah enough of food trucks yeah i mean i was never into them to begin with but people just talking about where they're gonna be and how good they are i don't know i'm over it what kind of people are you hanging out with that's what i'm interested in and where good they are. I don't know. I'm over it. What kind of people are you hanging out with? That's what I'm interested in.

And where are they going to be? Yeah, where are they going to be? We're hanging out for a couple days. We need to know where they're going to be. It depends on what you want. Well, is it that the restaurants here are so bad that the trucks are the preferred way to get your food? I don't know what it is. I don't understand what the appeal of it is.

You can get a fancy grilled cheese sandwich. Sure. Kogi taco truck? I'm a vegetarian. I don't know. That apparently is amazing. understand what the appeal of it is you can get a fancy grilled cheese sandwich sure koge taco truck oh yeah i'm a vegetarian i don't know what that apparently is a fancy grilled grilled cheese sandwich is um is that from a truck yeah it's cooked on the uh radiator oh come on why not it's not every truck is gonna do that that's a special case you know that coke coke uh delivery drivers use coke to clean their engines i also heard that if you put a tooth in coke it'll come alive and go back in your mouth where you took it from i think that's a simpsons episode no you're thinking of something else family guy maybe and a little civilization grows oh no flintstones that's flintstones no

it's a simpsons. Deadsons. But we were in a local restaurant today. Local, like right next door. I mean, are you guys wandering? Are you staying on La Cienega? We're on third. Yeah, we walked around. This city is incredibly hard to walk in. Which mall are you asking about?

That one. Yeah, we went in that one. The Beverly Center? Yeah. Yeah, we saw a guy from Death Cab for Cutie in there. Yeah. The bearded guy with the hair that goes into two points. You know that that's 90% of the men in L.A., right?

That that probably wasn't Death Cab. They all look like that guy? Yeah. Are they all DJs or what do they do? Yeah, or rich parents. So what goes on in their first novel? I recognize this guy. But you meet a dude in Los Angeles. middle of writing their first novel? I recognize this guy. But you meet a dude in Los Angeles.

Why would someone write a novel? That's the worst. Oh, screenplay. I'm sorry. Good, yeah, people like those. Now, you're going out in the town in Los Angeles, say, right? You're a young lady. Good-looking, foxy lady, right?

Out on the town. You're meeting these guys. They got high haircuts, pointy beards, right? I don't know about pointy beards. Ironic mustaches. Oh, okay. So a guy with a... They dress in Mad Men casual wear. Sure. And what are they doing? They're talking about

food trucks. They're talking about food trucks. They design video games. They're talking about how they had to get up at 10 a.m. 10 a.m. to do what? What are they doing at 10 a.m.? I don't know. Waxing their surfboard. Had to meet with some guy. Meeting the guy. Selling a.m. 10 a.m. to do what? What are they doing at 10 a.m.? I don't know. Waxing their surface. Had to meet with some guy. Meeting the guy. Selling meth. Yeah.

Do you think the guys that sell meth, do they dress a little bit edgier than the average video game designer? Oh, in the city? I don't know what I'm asking. I don't know. Okay, here's the thing. Were you done with your lady minister? I feel bad.

Oh, no, I didn't have a... Or your wedding. I think it was just... Or the fact that... Can I still get invited? Do you want to come? Here's the thing. Were you done with your lady minister? I feel bad. Oh, no, I didn't have that. Or your wedding. Or the fact that, can I still get invited? Do you want to come? I mean, long trip. I don't see it happening.

Yeah, it's not happening. Why don't you come up? It'll be great. Hang out on the island of Dr. Moreau. This is going to be like a bonus episode, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not putting this out. Bonus for whom? So anything else? Oh, well, we went for pizzas.

And there was a girl, our pizza lady. Oh, yes, yeah. Who, after she served us pizza, went and sat down with this guy. It was a very, what's the word? L.A. thing. It was a very, what's the word, L.A. thing. Yeah, she looked like she could have played like a tough butch on the L Word Live, which is happening in Los Angeles. Oh, is it?

Is it a musical? I saw it on the side of a bus. But she was complaining the whole time we were eating about how. Did she have a sleeve tattoo? First of all... A sleever? A sleever? I don't know. She did have a few tattoos, but not of the entire arm. Yeah, she had one on her

neck, I feel like it was something. I think it was a picture of Fred Durst showing you his tattoo. Yeah. It was Eminem showing you his tattoo of his daughter who had a tattoo on her yeah oh actually she did have one of those portrait tattoos on her arm that look like the ones that they get on la ink where it's like oh my daughter you know got launched out of

a can i never saw her again she's mid-orbit. My daughter hates tattoos, and I really want to get a tattoo to show her how great they are. Can we do it over her face? But she was talking the whole time about how she never gets any roles, and why does this other person get roles? I think it's probably because of her neck but she kept saying how much better of an actor she was than this other bitch who got all the roles yeah and i was like oh this is such an la and it was like oh i could really go for some roles about that my headphones on backwards that's okay okay. That's fine. Lefty, lefty, righty, righty. It's not like we're still recording.

But we also saw, didn't we see a lady who you could tell she had a tattoo removed? Oh, yeah. Yeah. There was a lady walking by pushing a baby carriage. And she looked like she may have been a real rocking lady maybe eight years ago. Before the babies came. Before she rubbed up against a couple that had already had sex.

She rolled around in a sex couple's clothes. I also, like, rubbed up all over? Yeah, you just roll around in it. I think if you're that confused about it, you just do it. You just do whatever.

Like if a couple has sex in a pool and you go swimming afterwards, you probably will get pregnant. Even if it's not the same pool. If you're a man, if you have the baby, the next baby that you have, like if you're a man and you go swimming in a pool after a couple has had sex, you will impregnate the lady with that guy's sperm. What? Is that true? Yeah, yeah. The sperm stays in the swimming pool and goes in and hangs out in your balls. Until you

have sex and then... That's why a lot of marriages end in divorce. Because of that. People don't understand. It's an epidemic dude you were on the plane with me today you saw all the pools yeah yeah i know that well that's why it probably happened that's why divorce is so high in los angeles all the pools los angeles has had it with both of you and your shit oh we're not done um okay i'm not the person to defend it either

yeah anyway this woman had a tattoo removed. A barbed wire tattoo. Yeah, a barbed wire tattoo. Like from the movie Barbed Wire. Sure. Yeah. Which came out eight years ago. And it's weird with a removed tattoo because it just looks like you've got a weird sunburn that's shaped like a barbed wire.

Well, aren't there things that you can put on your body when you go into a tanning bed to give like the opposite of a tattoo? Or, yeah, the opposite of a sunburn? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I feel like eventually... go into a tanning bed to give like a the opposite of a tattoo or yeah the opposite of a sunburn yeah yes yeah it's like i feel like the eventually on my groin usually the groin isn't it yeah explaining tanning booths to children today is like how uh parents like my parents explained how you used to be able to smoke in an operating room. Like, it's like, oh, people did that, and that was fine. People still do that.

That's still a thing, yeah. That's definitely. What? Tanning? No, no, I mean down the line. Like, once everybody realizes that they always automatically cause cancer, that they will be like, oh, people paid money to go into these cancer booths and get turned into an orange weirdo.

Let's put cell phones up to our heads now it's all gonna be next yeah right yeah the future you guys hey graham yeah i guess let's get to know you i uh here's the thing this is what happened to me this past weekend i was doing shows with uh past guest uh mr john door in uh just on an island off of vancouver we did a show and then the next night we watched the vancouver canucks play a hockey game yeah and after that we were hanging out we went out for some drinks and we ended up at a pizza place this is not late this is this is you know maybe 12 o'clock 11 30 12 o'clock we're at this pizza place uh and then a bit of a brouhaha starts up a lady and a guy are both yelling at a dude that's in the pizza place so there's a lady a guy and a dude yeah in a pizza place okay two guys a

girl a pizza place okay sure um and then later seasons just Two guys, a girl, a pizza place. Okay, sure. And then later seasons, just two guys and a girl. Yeah, exactly. Did I mention that one of them was... Trailer of his name. Ryan Reynolds? Yeah, I was going to say Ryan Gosling. That was wrong. Anyways, started heating up.

This is obviously going to be a fight. At one point, she knocks his drink out of his hand, which spills on John door's leg john door right away gets in it says hey hey hey like you know i'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt well he could have too he had a foot uh you know a height on both of them and uh anyways the the girl grabbed the guy's face and pushed him into the wall, pushed his head into the wall. And then, you know, that's like bedlam breaks out. And her boyfriend kind of pulled her back because everybody kind of got in and was like, hey, hey, fighting. No bad.

And so they went outside and then she got loose of him and ran back, and I hooked her with my arm. Dose of dough? Yeah, well, like, right. I felt like, yeah, it was like a dosey dough. I grabbed her right around the waist and stopped her from going back in. You swung your partner. And ever since, my arm hurts, because I really put a lot of force into it because she was running at full tilt. Because you weighed about 45 pounds.

She was a hefty lady. She was probably double my weight, I would say. She was very big. And I hooked her. The hefty fight, too. Yeah, so I got a little brouhaha. Now I think I've injured my shoulder accidentally. When was the last?

Now, you've been punched in the face before. Yes, it's the worst. I've never been punched in the face. When's the last brouhaha? Like, were you out of brouhaha practice? Yeah, well, no. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I still got it.

I still hooked her like nobody's business, but now my arms sore. I mean, I haven't been stretching before. I didn't know this was going to happen. Yeah, that's a problem. You got to do some quick fight stretches. So it'll grease up your face. When you feel the situation's heating up. I start putting Vaseline on my face.

A lesson for everyone out there. Do some quick fight stretches. Say, hey, everyone. Can we take five minutes to stretch? Not five minutes. You only really need a minute, but it's important what you stretch. You've got to hold those stretches. Just you've got to let your muscles know that you're about to hurt them.

Your muscles must know this fact. Did you ever, like when you were a kid and you were, like, I guess in elementary school when you did gym class, there was really not much stretching going on. That's because your kid bones are all but but in high school in pe they you did like specific stretches for different muscles and then for me personally um after high school i didn't exercise for many years sure and then i tried to remember how to stretch and i was like uh i know there's one where you hold your foot yeah yeah stretching the old quad yeah and then and then uh you gotta you gotta grab your hands behind your back yeah that's called the hello how are you myself it's called the uh over the shoulder boulder holder

and then i just like sort of swung my arms alison lot. Allison, were you good in gym class? No. Did you ever fake a note? Yes. This isn't a note. It's a fake note. It's written on a popsicle stick. It's just a sandwich. You just mimed it.

It's just a sandwich. It was my note. We had to take swim class for a month, and I just said I was on my period for three weeks of it. And then they sent you to the nurse? And you were six years old. Like, nurse, this lady's got an unstopped period. I'm on that pill that you take. You only get one a year, but it happens very soon.

But look out. So does that mean you can't swim? Like you never learned how to swim? I counted my three-week period. I don't remember what the reason was, but that got you out of it. Yeah. Oh, was there somebody you had a crush on and then you didn't want to get in your bathing suit or something? Or did a couple have sex in the pool earlier?

Oh, yeah, exactly. And you were wise to the you didn't want to get pregnant. End up living in the kookamunga. Do you ever refer to Rancho Cucamunga as the kook? Hey, I'm heading back to the kook this weekend to see my parents. There aren't any funny... That's what she calls her parents, the kooks. Yeah, the kooks from the kook.

It'd be great to come up with a funny name for Rancho Cucamonga. Look at your little shit-eating face over there. Not literally. So you got in a fight. You love to fight. I don't love to fight. I feel like in another life and another set of circumstances, I would have been a very... What do they call uh mark

walberg's character in the fighter the fighter no where where the girl in the bar is making fun of him a million dollar baby he's like you're the you're the the knockdown guy or something like you're the one that the pros used to beat up i feel like i in another life i would have been that guy that uh guys beat up on their way up to the top. Stepping stone or something? Yeah, and I would have been like, I fought that guy. You know, like the pro guy. That would have been good.

That would have been some kind of life, eh? Well, do we want to move on to Overheard? Or do we want to even bother? Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. Overheards. Segment in which, if you're lucky enough to have good enough hearing or to be in proximity to people with very loud voices, you may report to us the hilarious things that you have heard.

Now, we always like to start with the guest. Okay. I'm ready. Allison, are you ready? Yeah. I stressed out about this. I don't have an overheard. I have an overseen. You can totally do an overseen. I should have made

that clause in there. If you saw something hilarious, also acceptable. Okay. Are you ready? Yes. I saw a dwarf baby that was in like hip-hop outfit. Okay. A dwarf or a dwarf?

Dwarf. A dwarf. He was on a golf course. What was the outfit. Okay. All right. A dwarf or a dwarf? Dwarf. A dwarf. He was on a golf course. What's the actor's name? Randy Newman. Tim Conway. Tim Conway.

Yeah. A dwarf. But it was very clearly a dwarf, but two years old. And what was this hip hop

clothing you're talking about? A for us, by us? What are we wearing? Sure, it had like a big puffy jacket on and little Timberlands. It?

Yeah, it. I did not know the sex of this dwarf baby. Oh, was it really baby Timberlands? Yeah, it had little baby Timberlands on. Well, how... I mean, I can get offensive about how I knew. I guess I don't get why this is a funny overseas. And not just a mean thing that will lose you 150,000 followers on Twitter.

Okay. Do you have that many followers on Twitter? Yeah. Twice that. Wow. So you're really, you're like, you're famous. No. Get out.

No. In this generation? Come on. No. In this gen? No. This post-Lincoln Park generation? Dave? Lincoln lawyer. Bring us out of this sad overseen... Do we want to make fun of a baby more?

Make fun of a deformed more? Is that something we want to do? I don't think you want to call it that. A dwarf baby. Oh, a dweby. Yeah. No, that dweby. Yeah. Oh. No, that's not amazing.

One, how often do you see a dwarf? There has to be. Two, do you think dwarves hatch? Out of an egg, right? Yeah, why do you think there wouldn't be a baby? And why do you think they wouldn't be street? Yeah. Yeah.

Both fair questions. Allison, please answer. I don't have an answer. Come on, come on. How on board do you want me to get with this? I want you to be more excited. All right, all right. Dwarf babies, what's their deal?

Like, why do they even bother? I don't know why I bring this gold to you people. My overheard is an overseen, and it's enjoyable for the whole family. Yeah, go on. I'm on your side, Allison. I don't feel like you are. He wasn't there. You made it very hard.

It had a poofy jacket on. Poofy or puffy? Both. It's pronounced poofy. You're in the steats now. My overseen is this. I was watching a said hockey game that you were watching also, but I was watching it on Gabriela Island.

Off the coast of Nanaimo, British Columbia. Yes. We went to Abby's parents' place, and they told us that they had cable and they totally didn't. Oh, nuts. No cable, no internet, so we had to... Did they have heat?

Yeah. Well, that's pretty good. Yeah, I guess. Some cabins don't. No, it's not a cabin. It's a house. Oh. That fully has, like we've been before,

cable, internet, and they've been paying the bills, but it's just not happening. I don't understand how Dwar dwarf baby's not funny and interesting. Well, it is interesting. Funny, I don't know. That a dwarf baby exists? Why is that funny?

I mean, like, no higher than your knee. Yeah, but a regular baby's no higher than my knee. Yeah. Also, a full-grown dwarf. Maybe a toddler. Twarf. Twadler? Twadler.

So my overseen is this. I'm out of here. That's happening. So we were watching the hockey game. We had to watch it at a sports bar, and it was packed, and it was awful. And there was a table full of, well, I told you off air that my ex-boss was there. Yeah, yeah. And unfortunately, he didn't see me.

It was a table full of dwarf babies. It was a table full of, it's like this, it was at the marina on this island, and so it was all very maritime enthusiasts and people who love owning a boat. all very maritime enthusiasts and people who love owning a boat. Sure. There was a table just of sunburnt middle-aged single fathers divorced

guys who love boats. And one guy had my favorite shirt that I saw that night. And it was a t-shirt. And it was a really subtle joke. It said, sex police, canine, doggy style unit.

Oh, the doggy style unit. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I don't think that's funny. Are you offended by it? I am offended by it. Well, I know we have a lot of doggy style practitioners listening. Yeah.

And so they're offended by it rude was it like weird and misshapen that would make it funny oh he also had a poofy jacket on top yeah he was wearing little timberlands he had tiny baby timberlands on his two big toes um it was very shocking come on sure but i think you can do better i can't though i feel like i stressed out about the overheard oh you needn't too late now though dwarf baby i'm fine with it speaking i'm gonna be vindicated in my overheard um it's actually uh but what i loved about the t-shirt oh go on it's how subtle it was sure because you could just say sex police canine unit and people would be like oh i bet he means doggy stuff yeah yeah but it said canine canine i don't know canine units like i'm into fucking dogs oh yeah yeah maybe maybe i would put the doggy style thing

on the back yeah like anything as a reveal anything goes that's what we've learned from the sex police yeah they don't really enforce law at all no but they do have their ways getting information um okay so i'm done with Okay, now my overheard is actually from the mouth of babes, myself. Because speaking of cabins, which you are a house, I guess. If a house isn't an island, I consider it a cabin. Most of the houses in Manhattan I consider cabins. Sure, yeah. Australia.

Exactly. sure yeah australia exactly i uh i was trying to describe i was on the ferry with john door this past weekend trying to describe that i know somebody that is a couple uh the wife is a holistic uh medicine practitioner and the husband is a magician and i was telling him like oh you know people who are not like rich people can afford to buy like a small house up island on this island and uh but when i said what they did for a living i accidentally said his wife is a holistic medicine practitioner and he's a wizard it's just basically the same right yeah yeah although do you think he's like uh he's a magician and he's like yeah my spacey wife the holistic medical yeah exactly like who gets ribbed the most in that relationship i guess uh well whoever didn't work with chris angel

he worked with chris angel oh did he did he? Yes. Oh, really? As what? A magician's assistant? Yeah. For opening acting? He was a consultant on those crazy tricks that he did. Oh, that'll never work. He actually, you know, like the segments where they would interview other magicians and they

would kind of upsell how dangerous this thing was? He was one of those guys. Oh, wow. Well, he should live in a mansion. Oh, do you think so? Do you think... So his wizard money probably was the... Again, I think it's just magic.

Oh, but what if he was able to turn coal into gold? Then that's some kind of wizard. Yeah. Dork baby. It sounded like he said dork baby, which would have been great. If you saw dork baby. But you guys aren't dork baby. Which would have been great. If you saw dork baby. But you guys aren't on board.

What do you think will make us on board? Repeating it? The Tiny Timberlands? Oh, what about a guy named Tiny Timberlands? I don't think you're really visualizing it. Tiny Timberlands should be in a ghetto Christmas carol. I like the idea of a tribute act to Timbaland that's a dwarf that's named Tiny

Timbaland. Yes, now we're on board. Yeah, now we're on board. We finally came around to something we can relate to. Now, if you out there in listener land in Bumperville want to send in your overheards, you can do so by two

routes. You can send them by email. One if by land. One if by land. Stop podcast yourself at gmail.com. One if by, two if by sea. 206-339-8328. And our first of the emailed in overheards comes from Jacob D.

He goes by Jake. That's cool, right? He says, hi, hello, my name is Jake. I am from Winnipeg. Congratulations on getting your hockey team back. Yeah. And I have a great overseen, I think. Hopefully it counts.

I was at the mall, and mom's boyfriend, he refused to call him dad. Mom's boyfriend du jour. Yeah. Pulled out his iPhone to check something on the internet and when his iPhone Mom's boyfriend's got an iPhone? Cool. He's super cool.

When his iPhone brought up the names of the servers one was called Me and My Huge Dick Hacked This Shit. We went to the mall customer service area which informed us that they know about the problem and have contacted the internet service but even they couldn't undo it uh pretty great yeah i loved it that way and complained about one of the servers in the area that was free yeah i don't like the name of this server is there anything you could do about that?

No, this guy and his huge dick hacked this shit. Yeah. Did you hear about how big his dick was? Hackers be compensating. Right? Right. The second one comes from Adam from Regina, Saskatchewan. Canada stuff.

What are we going to say about Regina? It rhymes with something, certainly. What does it rhyme with there, Allison? Placenta? I'm thinking about other stuff. Baby dwarf, that's what you're thinking. So funny. You're going to make it happen.

I was assistant teaching in a grade 7 class and overheard a boy defensively say to a group of classmates, she thinks I'm weird, she made a go-kart, and gave it to my neighbor. You've got to keep that go-kart. Yeah, that is weird to make a go-kart and then just give it away. keep that go-kart yeah that is weird to make a go-kart and then just give it away she works for a uh you know a go-kart organization go-karts for kids you know go-karts for neighbors speaking of go-karts oh dave and i when we were in the mall that is close to our uh hotel we were staying in the only store that we were curious enough to go in was the Ferrari store, which has everything, pretty much everything that you could name. Pencil case, Ferrari pencil case.

Yeah. Shot glasses, Ferrari shot glasses. Belt. Belts. Ferrari belt. Like little kid Ferraris to push kids around in. Ferrero Rochers, Ferrari Ferrero Rochers. Do you have Ferrero Rochers here?

Of course. Awesome. I don't know. Of course. Come on. You don't have Cosby. Cosby Crisp. Do you have Cosby Crisp?

The greatest cereal in the land. But we noticed that if you ever go to the Ferrari store. I do. And go. I do. Run. Don't walk. Their lunch specials are amazing. go i do run don't walk lunch special no drive don't walk um the uh it's like it's basically there you can't buy a ferrari there it's like the gift shop at the

end of the ferrari factory yeah but we didn't ask if they had ferraris for sale in all fairness no that's true maybe they had some you know behind they probably could have gotten you a ferrari do you think a sexy lady would try on a Ferrari for us? You know, like when you go to the lingerie store and you say, Hey, sexy lady. I'm buying one for my fiancé. But I don't know if she'll fit in this Ferrari. Yeah, I'm looking for a thigh-high Ferrari.

This last one comes from Bowen D. Regular contributor. Classic. Always has something good to say. Actually, he has two. I'm going to split them up into two different podcast arenas. I was waiting for the ferry with my parents and brother.

Don't thumbs down me. When I overheard a cyclist... Oh, I thought you were giving me one of these. No, I was giving you this guy. Alright, well, I'll take it. When I overheard a cyclist complaining to an old man about how somebody threw a liter of milk out of the car window at him. He's from Australia, so that's where things happen like that, where they throw a liter of milk at a cyclist.

Upon inspection of the cyclist, I could see his cycling gear was covered in milk. My dad also overheard this, and I saw him have a chuckle. His dad's enjoying this whole thing. The cyclist rode the ferry with us across the bay. When we got off the ferry, the cyclist got on his bike and was about to ride away. And when my dad said, hey, and stopped the cyclist, the cyclist turned around and looked at him. I turned to see dad's face, turned into a dastardly grin as he asked the cyclist, got milk? Pretty good, Bowen's dad.

That's mean, right? Yeah, it's mean. And also you overheard your dad say that. I'm not on board with that. Should I back it up with the secondary? Do I at least beat that one? Nope. I say nope. I said yope. That's a popular yogurt-based

drink. Now, in addition to overheards that have been called in, written in, sorry, in addition to overheards that have been called in, written in, sorry. In addition to overheards that have been written in at StopPodcastingShow at gmail.com. What was that? Yeah, what was that again? In addition to overheards that have been written in at StopPodcastingShow at gmail.com.

Oh, my goodness. You can also call us at 206-339-8328. I'm going crazy from the heat Yeah, right It's not that hot David Lee Roth No, but we're not heat people We're dying over here

Alright Ew, you're dry as a bone Yeah I'm loving it Come on California girls They're dry as a bone Bad lyric, eh?

Hey, stop podcasting yourself. This is Brian in South Florida. My wife and I were at the park today, and a trio of girls, probably 13, were running around, and one said to the others, check out what I can do. And she promptly got down and did three push-ups. And then she got up and said, today in PE, Nick Player, I was doing my sit-ups

and Nick Player came down and sat on my face. It was weird. First time for everything. Yeah. That's something kids do in high school. Guys will just fart in a girl's face. That's how you know you're pregnant.

Well, that's a sign of affection, right? Yeah. I feel like I've learned so much here today. Everything in high school is a sign of affection. Everything? Everything. Wow. Name some things.

Can you name three things? Okay. Math test. Lockers. Lockers. And what's the third thing in high school? Math test, lockers. That's about it. Oh, I knows has lockers. That's about it.

Oh, I know. Creative writing teachers. That's three. Do you remember your creative writing teacher's name? Yeah, I could tell by your sigh. What was his name? I don't remember his name. But do you remember what he was?

You don't remember his name. How old were you? Was he writing a book? He was writing a book, wasn't he? Yes. How about you? Did you guys have secrets? But he was my sixth period.

And I would just make up some excuse for why I couldn't be there. Because of having my sixth period. Boom. We all had fun with that. Yeah. I like that you guys made a look. Like, who's going to do it? Is it me?

Is it you? Both of us. Are we both going to do it at the same time? So much fun. He was my last class of the day. Yeah. And I would just say I wanted to go home. And I just never had to go

and not because that's why you had that that that sigh remembering that's why you can't remember his name i think yeah i mean he was just such a pushover did you write poems i don't think i did anything in that class what'd you do senior year i got a nice yes creative writing class was a you could get out of it very easily or go for a smoke break. And it was usually a guy who was writing a novel. Sure. And he, well, my creative writing teacher, he would read excerpts from his novel to us. And then we could do whatever we wanted.

He was in like a little group and they would film stuff on the weekends and he would show us their videos. Oh, really? Was it weird stuff? No. Was it sweet stuff? It. Was it sweet stuff? It would be like a comedy sketch but not funny. Oh, that sounds kind of fun. Short.

Everyone's hitting their mic so much. I don't have anything to contribute, so now I'm just going to make noises until you get mad at me. I'm mad at you right now. That was fast. My creative writing teacher What was his name?

Mr. Gillard. Oh, I don't remember. He was great. Oh, that was mine too. And he made us all do work and we did great work and I loved it. I wrote so much stuff.

Sounds like Ted Poe Society. Do you have anything you want to read? Yeah, sure. Oh, no, I didn't bring it with me. But I have a lot of stuff memorized from high school. I'm ready. Okay. We're both ready.

What do you want? Oh, the one about the snowman. Okay, but what is this? Is this a short story? Is this poetry? Okay, about the snowman? Yeah. Okay.

It's a limerick, too. It's called Sad Snowman. It's a limerick, too? Yeah. Okay, and it's a snowman? Yeah. Okay. It's a limerick, too. It's called a snowman. It's a limerick, too? Yeah. Okay, and it's a snowman? Oh, there once was a snowman from Nantucket. That's how it starts, if I recall correctly. It doesn't.

There once was a man with three balls. A snowman has, whose carrot was in his nose You do not know the format of a limerick Oh, because it has a rhyme? Yeah Yeah, that's a shame Let's listen to the second call Sure

And shut up your face There was a snowman from Nantucket Dwarf babies, funny Who melted and ended up in a bucket Third verse, go. I can't. I am doing my taxes. Why did you wait till now to do that?

I know, they're so late. I'm in trouble. This one is from my betrothed. Abby. Abby Campbell, who's also her own person. Hello, boys. It's Abby calling with an overheard. I just heard today walking down the street

and passing a young couple, a white man and a native woman in their 20s. And the girl is saying something to the guy. She's kind of upset. And she says, man, she's just fucking racist. You're just racist. And he looks at her and says, I'm fucking you, aren't I?

I like that she started that call. Hello, boy. Yeah, it's like she was going to give us the rundown. Yeah. This is the situation. And she knows my dark secret. She knows your dark secret? What's your dark secret?

Oh, I just said that. I thought it was implied that I'm a man. Oh, you're a man. Oh, right, you're boys. No way. Hello, boys. Meh. Come on, girls.

Hey, girls. You believe in love? But back in that day. Well, I got something to say about it. And it goes something like this. Don't get far, sir. I couldn't bear to break your body. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have to go up on that. Make your mix. There you go. There you go. Satin sheets are very romantic. The Lady Gaga of her day. Yeah. Madonna.

One more. Fine. One more. Hey there, Dave and Graham and Taz Van Rassel. Nope. This is Anna in New York, and I just overheard some teams. One of them was on the phone with his sister, and at some point he handed the phone

to his friend, and the friend got on the phone with the sister, and he was like, look, I don't know why your brother gave the phone to me. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know why he wanted me to talk to you, but he said some things that are not true. So if he tells you that I said I wanted to marry you on a mountain and then skydive off of a mountain, I never said that. That's not something I want to do. And I also never said that I wanted to come to your graduation and hold up a giant poster that said, do me. I never said that. So just don't listen to what he says.

The poster had to say what? Do me. Complex relationship. I never said I wanted to do that. You were the one. Oh, man. So great. I like that last one.

Really caps it off nicely. Do me. You know your love is real. You know you've got to. That song we're singing is um express yourself by madonna and it sounds exactly like the new

lady gaga song how do you pronounce it oh same yeah madonna yeah on madasher on madonna yeah lady garger uh lady garger Yeah, Madonna. Yeah. Yeah, on Medasher, on Madonna. Yeah. Lady Garger. Lady Garger. Dave, let's wrap this up. All right.

Well, thanks anyway. If you want to contact us, you can reach us at 206-339-8328 or stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. Now, Allison. What? Why don't you take that down with me? We can have an off episode every 107th. I'm so sorry. Now, you're a fantastically funny Twitterer.

Oh, thanks. Where can people... What is your Twitter handle? Just underscore Allison. So it's underscore Allison. That's all there is. Yes. And do you write out underscore?

Yes. Do you have four more questions? Just underscore Allison. Are's all there is. Yes. And do you write out underscore? Yes. Do you have four more questions? Just underscore Allison. Are you sure? I don't know. We haven't written the rest of the bit. But very, very funny. Follow her on Twitter. Please. Come on. Give yourself a treat. Here's the thing.

Whoa, what was that noise? I got an email. No one heard it. Here's the thing. You have more followers than maybe anyone I've ever met on Twitter? Wait, didn't you meet Ashton Kutcher? I didn't meet him. We just kissed.

It was wordless. It was so romantic. But here's the thingy. When I get a new Twitter follower, I get an email. Did you have to turn off your email? Yes. Yeah, because you was so romantic. But here's the thingy. When I get a new Twitter follower, I get an email. Did you have to turn off your email? Yes. Yeah, because you're so popular. It's tough. It is tough to be that popular. I wouldn't know.

Dave, we are a couple days... I think when this comes out, is it the next day? We're doing... Oh, yeah. No one's listening anymore. Is it over? Come see us at the Biltmore on the 14th in Vancouver. You, me, Charlie Demers, Hannibal Buress, $10.

Yeah. That's unbeatable. How is this not already sold out? $10 Canada dollars. Oh, which are worth $20 if you're American. Yeah, they probably are. And also, go to MaximumFun.org each and every week.

Dave posts a blog recap of the show. What are you doing? I'm just gazing out the window. With your little leg crossing? Yeah, he's dreaming. Let us finish the show. It's distracting. Why would you show up now? It's MaximumFun.org.

Go check it out. And if you like up now? It's MaximumFun.org Go check it out. And if you like the show, please do tell your friends and come on back next week. Maybe Allison will be here. Maybe not. Hard to say. You guys aren't going to let me tell. For another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself! Thank you.