Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 183 - Chris Casillan

Episode Date: September 20, 2011

Improviser Chris Casillan joins us to talk about Entourage, bike theft, and shoelaces.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 183 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's devastated by the fact that Entourage is over, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it'll be missed. But apparently they're going to make a movie. Oh, sure.

Who's going to play Turtle in the movie? Oh, they're going to a movie oh sure um yeah uh who's gonna play turtle in the movie oh they're gonna they're gonna recast yeah yeah donatello will play turtle a bit of stunt casting oh yeah who's who will play uh jeremy piven's role oh i don't know oh who could outpiven the piv someone it's gonna have to be someone with hair plugs so kevin james sure uh i i think go younger a ryan reynolds in the jeremy piven role does he have hair plugs no no but you know he's got the energy oh yeah yeah the bro-y energy well don't worry entourage they'll remake the series just like they're doing with charlie's angels oh yeah hello entourage they to, you know, mishmash them. Sure. Do a mashup?

Yeah. Where the Entourage guys solve crimes. I wouldn't mind if that was what the movie was. I would absolutely not mind that at all. Where they just solve a Hollywood murder. Yeah, yeah. The next M. Night Shyamalan script has been stolen. And our guest today is somebody that we've, we had on a list ages ago, all the people

that we thought, you know, we'd love to have on the podcast, and it's, it has literally taken us this long. That list was stolen, and then the Entourage guys had to find it. They're on the case. Yeah. Yeah. Ari, attorney, no, detective at law? No.

Never mind. Yeah, detective at law. This gentleman, he is an improviser, an actor. You can see him if you're in Vancouver. He is part of the theater sports world. He will be going out to, it's in Toronto this year, the Canadian Comedy Awards with Urban Improv. And he's also a part, we just learned,

of something called FOB. And you forgot Titmouse as well. Oh, Titmouse, which is, there's going to be a Titmouse show this month, September... 21st. 21st. Very funny young man, Mr. Christopher Kassilin is our guest. Hello. Thanks for being our guest.

Awesome to be here. Oh, man, it's good to to finally we're working our way through that list that list now that we got it back from the evil uh jerry bruckheimer thank you ari and uh what's his assistant's name lloyd he's not his assistant anymore he's he runs the tv department now the the tv department yeah okay sure i don't i have only seen uh the one season of entourage and the same episodes from that one season. Although currently, as of the end of the series, spoiler alert, he now also runs the opera division of the agency. Should we get to know us?

Yes, let's. Get to know us. So now you were saying just before, well, two things. When you came in here today, you arrived by a bicycle. And your bicycle is a beautiful old bike from the 70s that still has a Burnaby bike license on it, which Dave and I had never heard of a bike license. Yeah. For people not from Vancouver, Burnaby is a suburb of Vancouver.

Yeah. It's a good place to go get an ABC buffet dinner. Yeah, sure. They've got an IHOP. Sure. It's a good place to sit around in maybe a sports field and smoke marijuana out of an apple. Yeah, sure. I think they have laser tag in the mall.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Some kind of laser. There's like a laser thing. That's a problem with downtown everywhere. There's no laser tag. They should, though. I think that's a great idea for like a high rise.

Like you got to go upstairs and downstairs, die hard style. Die hard, yeah. You have to take off your shoes at one point and walk over gummy bears. Candy glass. Yeah, exactly. Is that a thing? So you bought this bike. You haven't had this bike.

This hasn't been like a dynasty bike that's been handed down. This is not an heirloom bike. No, no. I got it a year ago. What do you think about a bike license? Are you pro? Yeah, I would be pro. I had a bike stolen already.

I basically gave it away because I did one of those, oh, I'm just going to turn the bike upside down. I've never heard of this method. That was instead of locking it up? I went into a store just right on Main, just off of Broadway there, right beside the mixed martial arts place in the corner store. It's the cigarettes, and I was looking at camo shirts in the store.

cigarettes and I was looking at camo shirts in the store. And then, of course, I had my bike, you know, locked, you know, by... In the upside down position. Yeah. And beside that bike was my buddy James's bike and his is like this powder blue bike with like a light leather seat and tassels. Like it looks kind of like cowboy... Sure. Okay. You know, like... Leather tassels. It looks kind of like cowboy. Sure, okay. Leather tassels.

I was thinking of the streamers. Yeah, exactly. Streamers, right? And he's a black fellow, too. Oh, wow. Nice, cool contrast. So nobody messed with his bike because they assumed a cowboy was riding it.

Exactly. Right? Yeah. It must have been packing heat. But no, they took my bike, yeah. was his upside down as well no no no but this is the first time i've ever heard of turning a bike i know i know like i said i basically gave it away it was horrible and it's like putting your wallet in your shoe at the beach yeah exactly yeah yeah you just you just Or it's like Putting your car upside down

Or hey I don't want my kid to get kidnapped Do a head spin Walk on your hands You know what in those two instances though It would make it very difficult to steal a car that's upside down And it would be hard to get away with a kid Who's moving so slow because he's walking on his hands Right

Unless you can pick him up and run so slow because he's walking on his hands. Right? Unless you can pick him up and run. Oh, sure, if he's a light kid. I was thinking about these kids today with the obesity epidemic. Sure, you can't pick those kids up. But can they walk on their hands? You need to be reasonably fit to do that. It's true. Here, walk on your hands into the back of my van.

It's true. Here, walk on your hands into the back of my van. Now, you were telling us that as well as being a part of all these different improv troops and stuff, you are also part of something called FOB, which is? Filipinos on Board. Okay, and what is the premise? It's just three Filipino guys doing... On a boat. Upside down boat for security.

Well, you know, what's been servicing in the city too is like, you know, the gay improv. Oh, sure. And we're going like, you know, let's hit that market where it's just like an all Asian sort of vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Vijay De La Reus, he does theater sports as well.

Man, that is a good name. Yeah. What does Vijay stand for? Victor Juan. Oh, my goodness. Victor John, I think. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's, he sounds. Victor John, I think. Yeah. Juan.

Wow. That sounds like a lover, not a fighter. He's pretty awesome. He's funny. And so is David Dimapelis. Yeah. Good names all around. Yeah.

Vasylen, Dimapelis. And what was the other one? Delos Reyes. Oh, yeah. That's just funny. So dreamy. That was very synchronized. And so when you say you're playing at, like, what, Filipino, some sort of Filipino days, or where are you playing at? Yeah, just recently at the Roundhouse Community Center in Yaletown, Vancouver, D.C.

It was the Etch Your Sketch Off, you know, like sort of a sketch comedy competition. Sure. And it's been going on since 2005. And yeah, we just decided to enter that. How'd it go? It went really well. We kind of did a bit of a sweep oh nice yeah um but wow like just the press i mean you know like um that we got from it alone was just like it was surprisingly fantastic you know i was just like wow this is i guess they have something to sort of write about. Sure. Filipinos doing it for themselves.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so it's been really good, and it continues to be such a fun thing. Now, when you're doing these, is this improv or sketch? This is both. Is it all pertaining to being Filipino? Filipino culture? And by the way, canham and i try to name some things from filipino culture of course oh uh pandasel yeah pandasel yeah pandasel yeah it's a sweet uh bun roll yeah delicious okay uh the philippines yes yes i can't think of anything

oh uh isn't like uh i know there's a comedian named Ron Jostle, and he has a bit about first generation immigrants will pronounce their P's as B's, or is it the other way around? Oh, P's are F's and F's are P's. There you go. P's as F's. Yeah. PDF files. Yeah.

Very hard for them to pronounce. Acrobat files. PDF. PDF. PDF files very hard for them to pronounce acrobatic files PDF but my father still has he's very articulate but he's got a thick Filipino accent it's a very charming

accent, the Filipino accent it really is you can hear it at Tim Hortons a lot, too, you know, when they take your order. Hello, welcome to Tim Hortons. Can I take your order? That sounds like fun. Yeah. I wouldn't usually go to a Tim Hortons, but if it was like the drive-thru.

If it was guaranteed Filipino. Yeah. Now, you've never had Panda Cell. No, I've never had panda anything. Endangered brand. I got addicted to it. There's a place in Vancouver, I think it's called Alling Mary? Yeah, Alling Mary.

And they would sell, it's like a dollar for a bag of these amazing things. And you just eat them, you know know like how you eat cotton candy like it's just like it's just gone and explain what they are again i wasn't paying attention it's like a uh it's like a dinner roll but like there's like sweet and it's very it's very sweet and and yeah it just it does kind of like rip off when it's hot and fresh like it rips off like cotton candy it's got that uh texture and you finish it within you know two minutes of leaving the store and then like i was eating because i worked like a block away from the place so i'd pick one like a bag up on the way home every day and i just got fat as shit like all my pants couldn't fit and my friend

was like oh it's because you're eating basically a loaf of bread every day on the way home from work. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so what else is – what is another Filipino dish? Like chicken adobo. What's adobo? It's – I know chicken. Chicken you meant.

Chicken? Chicken. Pronounced in the Philippines. I love it. Chicken. Chicken. Not chicken, but chicken. Chicken you meant. Chicken? Chicken. Pronounced in the Philippines. I love it. Chicken. Chicken. Not chicken, but chicken. Chicken adobo.

It's kind of, it's, yeah, like it's very sauced. It's chicken with this adobo sauce. I think there's like, you know, soy sauce and kind of garlic. Yeah, it's very tasty. Dave, have you had any chicken adobo? No. Nothing? No. I eat, as far as Asian food,

apparently every other kind other than this. You might have eaten pancet, which is kind of like egg noodles. Maybe by accident. Where's the Filipino restaurant? Are there Filipino... I don't know that I've been.

Well, I feel like I have. On on Main Street there's Josephine's which is which is very good it's right beside Alling Mary's ah well I have my eyes set on Alling Mary yeah yeah exactly that was a very uh complex time of my life I only owned two pairs of pants neither of them fit have you ever had that where you've gained a little bit of weight and had to leave the top button undone on your pants? And just untuck a shirt to cover up that fact? No. I've never gained that much weight. Yes.

Yeah, right. I have. I have. Yeah, eating lots of bandisa. Yeah, yeah. I've had like eating too much in one sitting and been like, well, let's relieve some pressure here. Loosen the button. But never just in general

life where you're like, oh, these pants won't Wasn't there a Pussycat Dolls song called Buttons that was like loosen up my butt? Oh, yeah. But it was like sexy. It wasn't about eating too much Thanksgiving dinner. Eating a lasagna to yourself. Yeah.

eating too much Thanksgiving dinner. Eating a lasagna to yourself. Yeah. And so you're going to the Canadian Comedy Awards, which if I don't know that anybody would know that that is a thing, except maybe comedians, because it's only comedians

that go to it. It's not like everybody comes out and watches these things. It's all comedians. It's like comedians that go to it it's not like uh everybody comes out and watches these things it's all comedians it's like people get really drunk yes yes phenomenally fall down accept their awards and cuss out like somebody that they're gonna have to apologize to the next day type of drunk oh yeah yeah i've done it i've been there a couple years in rowan but i don't i remember showing up and realizing that everybody had a fancy outfit and having to go to the thrift store and buy a jacket and some tight pants. And a corsage for myself.

So people think that somebody's interested in what I'm doing. A wrist corsage. One year they had a thing. It was like everybody had to go on a bus to get to... Were you there? Yeah, I think... Was that in... Well, it was in London, Ontario.

It was in London, Ontario. A few times, yeah. Yeah. It was a double-decker bus. Yeah. That's right. And all that that did was concentrate the amount of people who had brought bottles in their pockets and get them to fraternize and really trade up with other people they brought.

Yeah. I brought fireball whiskey. You brought Jägermeister. Let's switch. And so, like, in the whatever it was, it was only like a six-block drive, but they rented out this double-decker bus and people got uh piss tanked on it it was great yeah these are some of the best days of my life dave oh back in the summer of 69 yeah you know um but are you excited well how many times have you gone to the comedy awards

i think this will be the seventh wow yeah the Jesus Christ. Wow. The seventh. Have you collected wins in those years? One win. One win with Canadian content. Sure. Yeah. Canadian sketch comedy. Yeah.

Yeah. We won it in 2009. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Seven years. This is going to be the seventh.

Mm-hmm. Is this your year? Is this the year for urban improv? Probably not. Are you going to buy some fireball whiskey and carry it in your coat pocket? Are you going to get on a double-decker bus whether it's offered or not? I will.

Now, London, Ontario, do they have double-decker buses just because, hey, it's like London. We're called London. They're called London. All a spot of tea. Also, their cops don't carry guns and are regularly jumped for their hats. I found myself really specifically saying, I'm going to London, Ontario or London, UK.

Right. Because the next year canadian content actually went to london uk really yeah so that was doing you know our produced self-produced show in west london that was really cool you did that like like for for like weeks in a row didn't you yeah yeah like in the west End or something. Yeah, West London. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. What was your favorite thing about hanging out in London? Did you like the food, the nightlife, the disregard for your lungs, health at all? Lack of toothpaste.

Abundance of mad cow. Yeah, crazy frog ringtones. Spice's girl power. Channels devoted to Big Brother auditions. Big Brother auditions. It's true. There's a channel of just the auditions? Yes.

Wow. It's true. There's a channel of just the auditions? Yes. Wow. Yeah. It was a bit of a struggle for us to actually get, you know, bums in seats. You mean homeless people.

Fannies. Yes. We had to actually go out and flyer it. We were all like being all stinky. I don't want to go out and flyer for the show. But it took that much to get people into our theater, which was like the smaller theater of the Leicester Square Theater. And if you've ever been to Leicester Square, that's where they have a lot of movie theaters. Yeah, yeah. All showing Harry Potter year round.

Yeah, yeah. All showing Harry Potter year-round. But that square or that area, Leicester Square, it's like downtown Granville Street, Vancouver. You see it on a Friday, Saturday night. It's just totally packed with... And there's people everywhere handing out flyers. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, too. And there's people everywhere handing out flyers.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, too. And I think it was the... I forget. It was the comedy club or the improv club where they've been doing improv for quite a while now. Sure, sure. And we were up against... Who was it?

Patrick Stewart was doing a show with... Pretty unbeatable. With the guy who played Magneto. Oh, Ian McKellen? Yeah. So were they doing played Magneto Ian McKellen? so were they doing the Magneto and Professor X monologue? they were doing X-Men live I think they were doing Waiting for

Godot Waiting for Beast Waiting for Gambit pretty great I think Fanny's Waiting for G. Waiting for Gambit. Pretty great. I think fannies, you say get fannies in seats. I think in Britain, isn't fannies... Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It's the opposite.

The front one. Because they call, what we call a fanny pack, they call a bum bag. Right. And what we call a diaper, they call a nappy Oh man, so much great slang Is it slang or is it, that's just the word there? I guess because they live in England and they're responsible for English We're the ones who are deviating from what is correct

They're responsible for England They're responsible for the maintenance and preservation of English. I found there when I was meeting lots of Londoners, they said literally a lot.

I was like, literally. I literally was going to the pub and I literally ran into a friend. And he literally, literally, it was literally everything. So metaphors are kind of on the outs in London. Exactly.

I metaphorically like Adele. So, well, thank you for being the guest stopping by I hope that you pick up a Canadian Comedy Award that would be oh thank you

I mean you know Vancouver typically not big winners when it comes to no it's very east coast centric

our friend Taz Van Rassel has won I think just Ontario yeah exactly now Dave yeah are you going to the Canadian Comedy Award no I'm not what Not even East Coast-centric. Just Ontario-centric. Yeah, exactly. Now, Dave.

Yeah. Are you going to the Conomity Awards? No, I'm not. What? For the seventh year in a row, I'm not going. So what is going on with you? Oh, big week this week. Okay.

Let me tell you guys. Obamacare. I got kind of a ridiculous story of a thing I did I have these boots They're desert boots Made for walking? They're made for desert walking Sure Although ironically they're better

Like you'd think they were a summertime thing You know Sure Dry hot weather But no you would rather wear them On a cold day yeah sure uh but uh like a year ago i broke one of the uh one of the shoelaces on these boots and i went around looking for a replacement and they're so hard to find like it's a really specific length

that is really uncommon and uh did you look in the desert? I did not. The laces are really narrow and flat. And so I eventually found some that were the right color, the right length, the right size, everything, except that they were waxed laces. Like a candy? I don't... I'm thinking of wax lips. Yeah. And so I

bought a pack, and the pack came with two pairs of laces. And so I put one in and wore them for a while, and they were just kind of stiff and, like, didn't... There's no flow. They didn't obey the rules of gravity. You tie a bow, and the bow just sticks up.

So I wore them for months and months. And always in the back of my mind, I was like, I have this other pair just that I haven't used yet. I feel like I should do something with them to maybe soften them up and then use them as my laces. Wait a minute. So you have two pairs of desert boots? No, no, no use them as my laces. Wait a minute. So you have two pairs of desert boots? No, no, no. Two pairs of laces.

Oh, sorry. When I bought replacement laces, it came in a pack of two pairs. Oh, okay. All right. I got you. So I had this other pair, and I was like, I need, I want to use these, but I want them to work better than these other ones that I've been using. I have a feeling I know where this is going so i uh i've i've just been imagining like i've been fantasizing about what would happen if like i sometimes have these fantasies like for some reason the idea of just

sticking a bunch of pins through a popsicle stick and making a comb really appeals to me. I've never done it. But, like, the pin side of the pin would be too sharp. Sure. So I would use the other side, but I would use solder in my mind to keep them all in place. Anyway, so I've never done that. Probably never will do that. But I've always fantasized about

just opening up this other pair of laces and putting them in a pot of boiling water. Yeah, yeah, that's totally where I was hoping this was going. And so that's what I did this week. I boiled up a nice pot of water. While you were combing your hair, because a watch pot never boils. And so I threw the boot laces in there. Yeah.

And it moved around. I had a little fork that I was stirring. Did you put salt in the water? You always put salt in the water. I didn't put salt in the water. Did you throw it at the fridge? You always put salt in the water. I didn't put salt in the water. Oh, yeah. Did you throw it at the fridge to see if it's ready? So, yeah, I let them boil for like 10 minutes.

And I noticed that like, oh, some like maybe some wax is coming off of them. There seems to be something in the water. Like it's bubbling with like a little bit of brown on the surface. And so I finally took them something in the water. It's bubbling with a little bit of brown on the surface. Sure. And so I finally took them out of the water. And they're still super stiff. Oh, wow. Did not work. But it did ruin the pot.

Cannot clean the brown goop around the edge of the pot. Oh, man. Well, I'm not surprised. Like, it's the thing. Like, I'm not surprised the laces would stand up to heat. Desert boots. Desert laces. Oh, hello, dog.

Yes. Neighborhood dog, apparently, outside the window. Wow. So now the pot's done. Well, I think I'm going to try to a few other things. Basically, I've just been loading it with warm water and soap. But I think it might just be like literally wax stuck to it. So I might have to just put an empty pot on the burner.

Yeah. And then boil the wax and then pour it on Willem Dafoe's chest. Yeah, for a sexy body of evidence style. I never saw that movie, but I'm familiar with that. Yeah, I think that's the only clip that I've ever seen in that movie is that sex scene. Willem Dafoe and Madonna. They're in a courtroom trial with that with sexy results yeah a sexy verdict yeah

now uh the the big rumor uh via the internet uh this week was that mad was at the Toronto International Film Festival and that she required that all the volunteers, when she was walking backstage, all the volunteers had to face to the wall and not make any eye contact with her. Madonna, should we

put her on an island where nobody can find her? Should she be swept away? Should she be a body of evidence? Should we leave her on La Isla Bonita? Yeah, what is her contribution to anything anymore? She directed a movie this year. Oh, yeah, that's right. Madonna was at the festival because she's directed a fictional movie that has nothing to do with her being Madonna.

Like, even though, like, if you're going to be, like, directed by Madonna, then it's going to be bigger than the movie. Yeah, she's not also starring in it, though, right? No, no, no. But after that, because, like, that's a horrible, I've heard, I guess, Sylvester Stallone also did a similar thing where you weren't allowed to make eye contact with him on sets. That's a famous diva-y thing to do. But it's usually actors who are in character, maybe. Maybe she's just a character actor. And her life is... the character is her.

Yeah. And she's a super bitch. Yeah. the character is is her yeah and she's a super bitch yeah so like and then i was thinking about it it's like well if martin scorsese was at a film festival and his request was i don't want to make eye contact with anybody then i'd be like okay well you're you know one of the geniuses of film so we'll allow it but madonna has never done anything good in film ever as far as i went on imdb and i was like aside from maybe dick tracy where she played madonna she played 40s madonna and i guess truth or dare was you know it was pretty boner-tastic in its day. Evita? Was she good in Evita?

Or do people just like Evita? I don't know. I never saw it. Nobody ever saw it. That's three out of three. So Evita could be the... Sure, she was good in A League of Their Own. Oh, that's right. She was. She was...

I think she was good in Dick Tracy. Who's That Girl? Was okay. Never saw it uh who's that girl who was okay never saw it desperately seeking susan never saw no no i don't think desperately seeking susan's any good i don't think it's coming out on blu-ray uh well vision quest was that the name of that movie where she just did a bit of a cameo. It was about that wrestler. What? Is it? No, like I really now am hoping that this true. Tell us more about it. It was like when she was

kind of up and coming and she was in a bar and she just sang Crazy For You. Was that Desperately Seeking Susan? Could have been. We'll look it up on the break. I was thinking Vision something. Now what's Vision Quest? Because that sounds great. Was that Desperately Seeking Susan? Could have been. We'll look it up on the break. I was thinking Vision something.

What's Vision Quest? Because that sounds great. I thought that was the name of the movie. And it's about an upcoming wrestler named Desperately Seeking Vision. Vision Quest is the name of the wrestler. His finishing move was putting candle wax on a man's chest. He wears a blindfold the whole time.

I never understood that. I remember seeing that scene as a kid and being like, I don't get why this is sexy at all. The candle wax? Yeah. Do you get it now? No. No, I mean...

Well, I also... Because Willem Dafoe since then has played a string of like cuckoo bananas characters, so it's hard to not see him as like the green goblin. I feel like I maybe have seen more of that movie. I feel like there was also a scene in the parking lot. They just wanted to do weird sex to each other at all times. And so I feel like she climbed up on his shoulders to watch a concert.

My bodyguard kind of stuff. There were a giant trench coat to sneak into an amusement park for seven foot and above people to ride a crazy roller coaster. And then they had sex on the roller coaster. No, but she was on his shoulders and she smashed out a light bulb. And then maybe probably used the

shards of glass to do a sex thing on his nipples. Yeah. Yeah. thing on his nipples yeah yeah also speaking of the genre of sexy sex movies somebody posted a clip of the the greatest lines from showgirls now I really want to watch showgirls again yeah it's yeah what did you have what are some of the best lines I remember the guy she was dating. Have you seen Showgirls, Chris? No. Really?

No. Oh, wow, okay. You were familiar with the... Paul Verhoeven, right? Yeah. Yeah. And the lady that played... Jessie Spano.

Jessie Spano. Elizabeth Berkley. Yeah, yeah. I've just seen clips, but not, like, the movie. Yeah, I don't know that you have to see the movie. The weird thing is, is I've seen the movie either on television or at a friend's house probably, like, six times. I've never seen the ending of the movie.

I've been told how it ends, and it makes no sense, given the preceding film. But there's a scene in it where, who's the other lady in it who played gina gershon that's right yeah they're at a restaurant and uh gina gershon says you got nice tits i like i like your i like that you have nice tits and then elizabeth berkeley goes i like having nice tits and then gina gershon says, how do you like to have them? And then she's, it was like, it seems like that was a typo that they just left.

And she says, I like having them in a, in a tight dress. And then they both sip champagne. So I think that was a favorite line. Yeah. Mine is either. Well,

there's the part where she gets a Versace dress, but she's never heard of Versace before, and she keeps calling it a Versace. Small town girl. Yeah. Right? And there's the part where she's on the showgirl line, but the assembly line. No, they're in a, they're like in rehearsal and what's the guy's name?

Alan Rachins? Alan Rachins? He was a bald lawyer on L.A. Law. Okay. He is the director of the boobie show. Sure. What if it was just like some ridiculous madcap show that she was in?

Like a real Benny Hill kind of? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Las Vegas brings you the ridiculousness of boobs. It just plays that... But I just remember he says to her, your nipples aren't sticking up. Stick them up.

And she, I think literally there are ice cubes. Yeah, that's what bank robbers used to mean when they said stick them here's some ice cubes come on guys stick them up um anyways i haven't seen it since i was uh in my uh my teenage years yeah i maybe saw it 10 years ago yeah i but i feel like i could watch it again start to finish well finally watch it to the end like i feel like bad almost let's do it yeah right today guys yeah we'll order it on demand um and then there's of course that ridiculous sex scene with um uh uh kyle mclaughlin in the

swimming pool yeah yeah that's again that's another scene where when I was watching it, I was like, I don't get why this is good. Looks like she's going to drown. But that movie's reached, like, cult status, hasn't it? Oh, I think it reached it immediately. Yeah. And I remember in the heyday of DVD, like, they had, like, this anniversary packaging where it was just like, you like, it's the tin packaging.

It's reached tin packaging status. I love when they do that. Make it so it won't fit on your shelf. Yeah, exactly. Your Lord of the Rings trilogy that shows Mount Dune. You're legally blonde. It's all pink and fluffy. Is it the Criterion edition of Showgirls?

I think it was like on, because they did, they released like an anniversary, like the 10 year anniversary edition. And, but it was weird. I remember when it came out, it was the only movie around that was, they had to make up, I think that's when 17A came into being. In Canada? Yeah. Because it was, maybe it was R, but then like, R wasn't

strong enough, so they had to come up with one more, because there was so much nudity in it. Yeah, but it's just boobs and butts. Yeah. And that one great sex scene in the pool. Where she nearly drowns. So that's almost violence end. Well, she kicks Gina Gershon down some stairs.

Yeah, sure. And then there's a lady comedian that she presses a button and then her dress falls down and it goes... Do you remember that? Is she a big fat lady? Yeah. That doesn't count. Because it's comedy.

Because it's played for laughs. Yeah. I gotcha. All right. Well, that was a fun trip down memory lane. What's going on with you? Boil any shoelaces? No.

I did something equally as dumb. Just not last night, but the night before i was going to uh take out the garbage and um i don't like having i don't think anybody likes having moths in their house but uh this was like 10 o'clock at night and so i'm going to take out the garbage and a moth flies right at me and my gut reaction was i don't want to let the moth into the house and i pulled on the door too much and locked myself out of the house and i was just wearing like uh i was just wearing like pants that i had been painting in that are all like torn up and stuff and a white beater and And really mashed up shoes.

So then I knocked downstairs to try and get the superintendent guy to let me in. And he wasn't there. And so I had to go. I went to go try and find him. What time of day was this? This is 10 o'clock at night. Okay. And the weather had just turned too cold to be outside in this type of getup.

So I was like, what do I... So I went to a payphone to see if I could call Miss Alicia Tobin, who had the other key. And the lady on the... First of all, I called the operator. I didn't have any money on me or anything, so I was going to call Collect. What do you say? Like, I'm a deadbeat deadbeat well here's the thing finding a payphone first of all uh next to impossible yes like it's i know that everybody has cell phones but it's a wild assumption to assume that everybody's always gonna have their cell phones on them always and there's not gonna

be an emergency uh so i finally found a pay phone and i called you call zero and the off the first operator came on and i said i need to place a collect call and i gave her the number and then she said you can't make a collect call to this number because i guess you can't collect call to a cell phone because they don't have the i don't know so and then i was like what do you mean and she just hung up on me and i was like i don't think i've ever felt so impotent in my life i'm like there is nothing i could do about this lady's rudeness like she just hung up on me so i called the operator back and i'm hoping it would be the same lady and be like listen i'm a citizen but it was a different lady and she tried and nothing so then I had to go to the gas station and ask if I could use their phone.

And I had to walk. Like, this is about 10 blocks now that I've had to walk in public in a wife beater and, like, torn up pants. I was hoping it was going to start with you just in a bathrobe. I was hoping it was going to start with you just in a bathrobe. Yeah, I just, I was always paranoid enough to always put on a pair of pants, but never to bring enough change to use the phone. So I went to the gas station and I asked the guy, I was like, hey, lock myself out of my house, can I use the phone? And so I was calling and then there's this neighbor,

I think I've talked about him on the podcast there's this neighborhood can collector guy that's in like awesome shape and in the summer he like walks around shirtless and he looks like he looks like when people draw god like that's what he looks like he's got a giant beard and like huge pecs and an awesome six-pack so i'm standing there on the phone and he comes in got got a nice warm jacket on, buys a Coke, looks like a million bucks. And I'm like, I'm sub homeless to him. He buys a Coke. You're asking if you can get the can.

Can I have the can? I'm going to try and use this to get a phone call. To get a phone call. So I didn't. A fifth of a phone call. So I didn't get through. So I left a message. And then when I was walking home, there's like a grate over where the subway part of the SkyTrain is. And it's really warm.

So I just grabbed a newspaper and just stood there to keep warm. Because at this point, I was it's starting to get really really cold yeah but it was weird that nobody as I was walking along the street that nobody stopped to go like are you okay because everybody else is wearing a jacket yeah like it looked at the very least like I had been robbed and my jacket had been stolen yeah because usually I think of the general public as being really understanding towards homeless and other down on their luck people. Yeah. So that was a real first hand experience. Life.

Life on the streets. How long were you on the street? An hour. I was on it for an hour walking around. And but yeah, it's... You couldn't have... I guess it was too late. You couldn't go into a store and...

Oh, just browsing. Maybe I'm going to buy a shirt. I was kind of afraid of running into somebody that I knew. That was the principal worry that I had. Like somebody like, ah, so that thing's really not working out for you there at all. Don't even have a jacket anymore, huh? And the pants

were covered in paint and they had holes in them. Oh, Dave. Yeah, because of the moths. Yeah. So that happened and... is it was it a learning experience yeah i felt like i learned i feel like um uh people when they think that you're homeless will avoid eye contact with you at all costs even a guy who is a bottle collector will not want to associate with you at all costs even a guy who is a bottle collector will not want to associate with you

uh and always i guess i will never leave my house without my keys in my pocket like even to go throw out the garbage but it was the second it happened you know that thing like where it's like the second that you've done it you've like i did a very small thing to prevent something insignificant and have now landed myself in the maximum amount of trouble yeah have you ever had anything like that um i just know that feeling where it's like one second ago i was not in trouble at all and right now I am so screwed. Have you ever had something like that, Chris? Yeah, most definitely. Go ahead and explain.

Don't leave me out here by myself. It was just the old kind of like leaving your keys in the car and running. Oh, running. Yeah, and leaving it there for a while and me doing my thing, say it was like an hour and a half that I was away from my car and I'm going, where's my keys? So you left it running and didn't notice right away?

Yeah, exactly. So when you came back, your car was running and you're like, oh, that's not good. Better stop that. Good thing I left it upside down. Yeah, exactly. I remember when I was a kid, there was an incident where there was a guy had left, like he had a hockey bag at school.

And I was walking towards the hockey bag and it was blocking my way. So I thought in my head, I'm like, the easiest way is, you know, the way that will cause the least trouble is I will jump over the hockey bag. And I did. And the guy who owned the hockey bag saw me and thought I had jumped on the hockey bag and came over and beat me up. So I'm just thinking like one of those things where it's like i the least trouble possible is if i do this thing leading to the maximum amount of trouble yeah if anybody out there has anything that wants to uh share stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com a real sitcom yeah a real sitcom moment is what we're looking for um so i had that and then speaking of sitcom moments, I gave a lecture to somebody on the bus the other day.

Okay, don't be that guy. We had this conversation. I had a real Larry David moment, though, because there was a huge lineup. We just, two weeks ago, we... You said don't lecture people on the bus. Don't say anything on the bus. You're always wrong. Anyone talking on the bus is crazy.

Here's what happened. Let me explain in full. I don't disagree with the talking on the bus is crazy. Here's what happened. Let me explain in full. I don't disagree with the talking on the bus is the crazy thing. But this, there was a huge lineup to get on the bus. The 99 bus. Everybody lines up. And I saw this lady who Lady! Yes, thank you.

Who was she just walked up and stood next to the line. I was like, everybody in the line knows what you're doing. But nobody's saying anything about it. And then the bus comes and she sneaks right on. So I ran up and tapped her on the shoulder and said, hey, there's a line here. And she pretended she didn't speak English, which was a clever way out.

Except that I followed her under the bus and I said, hey, come on, there's rules. And there were people looking at me like, you're one of us. You're doing it because we're too afraid to. But I felt much like Larry David that I was like, I have to correct this tiny wrong. Did you call her on pretending not to speak English? Oh, yeah. And then she said, there's no rules. And I looked at other people who were on the line.

I'm like, I think there are rules. And people were giving me the nod like, yeah, finally. Fists in the air. Yeah, exactly. We better nod, otherwise this guy is going to go crazy. I saw him walking around without a jacket on the other night. That is, well, you're like the Rosa Parks of the opposite of Rosa Parks. So that's...

But I have, I absolutely, I sort of kind of, when I'm getting on a bus, I will sort of encourage disorder. Like I... Okay. I will want... You're an agent of chaos, like the joker yeah i want there to be i want everyone to be kind of confused as to whether or not there is a line so i can sneak past them like oh you've been waiting here longer but there's no established line so here i go if there's no established line i'm for it but there was, it was like a 12 or 13 people long line. She saw it because she was crossing the street and decided not to engage.

But man, was she sheepish when I was like, I think there are rules. And people were, yeah, like you say. Chris, do you ever use transit? I do, actually. I feel like a lot of what we talk about on the show is transit based. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a big part of our lives.

I grew up in richmond or i graduated from richmond high school and um but actually more grew up in eastbound but anyways uh so it is that like long bus ride you know it's either the number three or the number one number three exactly and um but uh uh so and i just fall asleep like it's almost automatic i'd taken transit like you know from richmond into vancouver like a lot like so i i kind of just wake up and kind of go oh okay i'm here you know like it's it's kind of in my system but you wake up before your stop exactly exactly i had it pretty well timed but i don't know this was back in the day too so i was kind of thinking like i i i woke up

and i was fell asleep on some woman's shoulder and she actually just like let me like just let me sleep on her shoulder um woman's name yeah rose apart and then and then uh and the other one was uh like falling asleep waking up and having having this really long drool almost like five inches from the bus floor. Just waking up and just realizing that it's just hanging there.

It's the worst. I don't know how long I was doing it. Oh man. There would be two things that i would not want to wake up in public having done drooling that long and my penis being out did you guys all see that how long has this been out for? You put it back in your pants and you get off at the next stop. Yeah, it's true.

If not sooner, you try and get out at a red light. Just break the window. Oh, man. Well, I think we have some business to attend to. We absolutely do. Let's play the business theme. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away.

You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of beers in the house. All right. That music means it's time to handle a tiny bit of business.

And this is the fun kind of business where I tell you, you know, make sure to top up your retirement savings account. Yeah, buy Warbond. This is a fun, this is one of the jumbotron messages fun way to tell somebody your affections it's the jumbotron at funway park in boston kiss kiss kiss um so this message is for andy hi andy and, the guy who owns the toys from Toy Story. Right? Oh, yeah, that is the character's name. Yeah. Also, co-manager of the radio station at

WKRP in Cincinnati. Yeah. Andy Travis. Yeah, and I think Andy Dick was also on a radio related show. Absolutely! He played Matthew. This is for Andy from Liz. White diamonds.

The message is, Happy Birthday! Capitals. To my favorite podcast listener in all the world, I love you, and if I don't get a job soon, this may be your Christmas gift too. I echo that sentiment in my own life. Yeah, if Graham doesn't get a job soon, this is Andy's Christmas gift.

I count myself as in on this. P.S. Jeffrey loves you. Hit one for Jeffrey. Okay. Hit one what? A home run. A home run. I assume Jeffrey is a sick kid in the hospital.

Or, you know, hit it at the club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hit it or quit it. Yeah, yeah. Did I ever tell you about that episode of, I don't even think it was LA Inc. or New York Inc. or Miami Inc. It was the A&E version. Inked?

Ink Pinky Stink. Ink Pinky Stink riding on a horse's dink. Yeah. Where the woman wanted a tattoo right above her crotch. Sure. Of a pair of boxing gloves and the phrase, hit it like a champ. Gross.

Yeah. So do that for Jeffrey. Yeah, do that for Jeffrey, Andy. You got to. Yeah. So, I mean, happy birthday. That's fantastic. What a great life that you got. A partner or friend.

Yeah. Like Liz. It's a little bit up in the air at this point. But you know what? If she's just a friend, it's time to make a move. Yeah, dude. Also, what's this Jeffrey all about? Is that a roommate? Is it her pet crocodile? Massage her boobs.

Oh, yeah, right? Give her a front massage. Now, if you want to give someone a front massage on our airwaves, go to MaximumFun.org slash jumbotron it's the funway park style of advertising graham do you want to move on to some overheard i do happy birthday andy overheard overheards um a segment uh in which as we're saying off mic it's the exact opposite of how a lot of people try to interact with society were saying off mic it's the exact

opposite of how a lot of people try to interact with society. A lot of times it's earbuds in, you're reading something, you're wearing a hood you've got a kindle on the go you're taking a vision quest like that famous movie Vision Quest that we didn't look up in the break

oh yeah and yeah if you we didn't look up in the brick. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, if you, you know, if you're out there in society, you're going to overhear something hilarious. Yeah, and if you're listening to this segment right now, you might overhear a chainsaw in the background as one of my neighbors is chainsawing a...

Human? Well, it's a piece of wood. It's a tree stump in his yard. I'm hoping he's chainsawing it's a piece of wood. It's a tree stump in his yard. I'm hoping he's chainsawing it into a work of art. I'm hoping that he's chainsawing it into a little wooden boy who hopes to become a real boy. But is stuck in the ground. A real boy, but not a real doll. Because aren't those the sex ones?

Right. But they're not made of wood. I don't know. I don't. I literally don't know. That would be weird if that was the made of wood. I don't know. I literally don't know. That would be weird if that was the material of choice. They're like, wood is the only, it's the closest thing that we can find to a woman's touch is cedar. I hardly know her. So we always like to start the overheards with the guest.

And Chris, if you would, lead us, lead the charge, lead us into overheards. Well, I overheard a girl. She was shopping in Costco with her mom. And basically she was like, you know, like the big grocery section. And of course there's all the Costco-sized groceries. But she just was in this mode of like indicating how much sugar was in like some of the items she was looking at.

And for a good long while, she's like, Mom, come over here. Look how much sugar there is in this thing. I know, there's a lot of sugar in there, dear. Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in there dear yeah there's a lot of sugar and and then they move on to something else probably like you know that uh sugar substitute but then they're probably going like this thing must be really sweet but you know there's no sugar or something but yeah like i just i it was it was odd to me because you you kind of

hear it was that very kind of like um you know, young kind of take on it. Like, wow, like I've just discovered that something, you know, like. This is a thing that I can tell my parents about. I'm really impressed. Yeah. Sugar's the second ingredient after water. Yeah, right. Sucrose fructose.

Remember when you learned what that was? No? What's was? No? What's that? Sugar? This is some kind of sugar? It's sugar, yeah. Fancy sugar? Dave?

Well, on the sugar topic, there are, I see so many of those things that are like TV segments or like news segments about people like, nothing's good for you. Like sugar, like, oh, this has sugar in it. Well, sugar's not as bad for you as fat. This has so much fat. Well, fat may be not the best indicator. You need cholesterol. This says it has a lot of cholesterol.

Well, check out the calories on it. It's complicated. Let's just eat mud. Here's my thing I've noticed, is every time that they do a show where it's like a village on a diet or this couple's gonna turn around their eating habits they use the same shot from the grocery store of somebody picking up a broccoli it's always what about broccoli let's put that on our diet instead of our morning donut like it's always the most extreme

thing instead of just like hey just cut out that one thing it's like all broccoli all the time all of a sudden or like oh the if you're drinking something from starbucks like i i get a big latte and uh a guy at work will be like you know that's like drinking a donut. Well, it's not that good. It's pretty good, but... I can't dump this into a coffee, which gives me an idea. Yeah. Coffee you could dip into a coffee. Wasn't there... There was this news story, really slow news day, where Tim Hortons, national coffee chain,

decided... Full of Filipino employees, apparently. Yes. On Vancouver Island. They have like a 24-ounce cup now? A 20-ounce or a 24-metric? Like, you know, that's like the big, almost like a big cup of coffee.

It is, yeah. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, that's a lot of coffee like i think your body is only supposed to strain like zero coffee in a day and then if you have one it's like okay don't put any more of that i think a bit of coffee's okay it is like good for you i heard that it was only broccoli no only red wine uh i the other uh a couple weeks ago i had the week off and i was uh uh i was doing some experimenting college days i got a new coffee maker and i wanted to make ice coffee and so uh i had heard that it like a good recipe for making ice coffee just – Put your boot laces in a cup.

Make very concentrated coffee, like double the amount of coffee you use and cut the amount of water you use. Yeah, because of the ice cubes. Yeah. Yeah. And you're going to use more milk. Sure. And so I had my morning coffee, a couple cups of coffee. And then later in the afternoon, I doubled my usual coffee amount, but with half the water.

And so basically I had like three times the amount of coffee I usually have in a day. And then I was cooking dinner and I forgot something. So I had to go back to the grocery store and I was driving and I was like i am impaired like i am a dangerous driver right now if i get in an accident there will be no like it it will be all my fault there's nothing i'm not doing anything illegal why was it that you were so wired i was so it was yeah i was like it was like you were seeing eight minutes into the future yeah but i wasn't seeing the present. Have you decided whether or not to use that power for good? Yeah, I'm going to use it to determine the source code

or whatever. Is that a movie? Snake Eyes. That's a movie I slept through. Dave, do you have an overheard? I do. This one is also bus related. As are our lives. Sure. I was on the bus related. Oh, hey. As our lives. Sure.

I was on the bus going home the other day, and there was two people, a girl and a guy, sitting. And I was standing right, like it was a crowded bus, I was standing right over top of them. And they were talking about phones, and one of them must work at a phone store because he had all this information about phones. Sure. He's the worst. Yeah. And, like, the girl was like, oh, I think I'm getting the 1600 model. What's the difference between the 1600 model and the 900 model?

And the guy was like, oh, well, the 1600 model has a 3 megapixel camera that's front facing and a 5 megapixel spec. He knew every spec on yeah uh and then he was really gonna get some yeah uh and then they were talking about uh iphones and the guy was like i used to have an iphone but i uh i threw it into the ocean and let me tell you uh i it's not as dramatic as it sounded. I was down at the beach with my friend Jessica, and we were watering the blue aardvark. And the girl goes, watering the blue aardvark? And then the guy puts his thumb and his index finger up to his mouth and makes the pot smoking gesture.

Watering the blue aardvark? You know. The blue aardvark. You know. Watering the blue aardvark. And I'm certain that's what he said. Like, I've Googled it in different ways to, like, see if I've gotten the wording wrong. But there's nothing even close to that being an experiment. We were watering the blue aardvark. And then he just told this big lie about he dropped his iPhone into the ocean.

But it's still, like, I couldn't use it, but it was still playing music, and it was getting text messages. So you could use it. I could still hear it getting text messages in the water. Now you've heard the thing that you're supposed to do if your

iPhone gets wet. Put it in rice? Yeah. Did we talk about this? No. That's a strange... Who was the first? Uncle Ben. He was probably the first.

When his iPhone landed in a bucket of water. Yeah. Ironically, he was making some rice. That's all he eats. But you're not then supposed to throw the rice at a bunch of wetting people. Because then birds will eat it. And they'll explode here's a question and i'm not sure but you know how uh there's like a lot of advertisements

that have um celebrities voices but they're not identified as such yeah there's a pedigree commercial david de covney is the voice john ham is the voice of uh. Sure. Your Sam Elliott, he's in a truck commercial. Oh, yeah. Dennis Leary does the Ford commercial. I think the Uncle Ben commercial right now, unless I'm mistaken, is LeVar Burton. Oh, really? It's just only a guess. But because the only reason is because he used to be on Reading Rainbow.

So I'm used to his voiceover voice. Just a thought. Like, Uncle Ben's is really great rice, but don't take my word for it. Let's get Ving Reams to do that voice. Yo, man, have some rice. Uncle Ben's rice is like the best rice you could ever eat, you know what I mean? Let's get that thing steaming. Served.

Get that thing steaming. That came out of nowhere. But I loved it, though. Graham, you haven't overheard. I overheard Ving Rhames advertising Uncle Ben's. So, steamed rice. That's rice fucking with you, is what he would say. Pulp Fiction style.

What is my... Oh, my overheard. I was walking down the street near my house. Wearing not a shirt. No jacket, no shirt. Like Peter? Honestly, and I was... That's the thing. We've discussed how I have a Paul Giamatti

body. Giamatti body. Giamatti body? Yeah. From sideways? Yeah, totally. But it's like super accentuated when I wear an undershirt wife beater type. Is this literally unoverheard from your? No, no, no.

But I was just thinking about how I must have appeared to the general public. Sure, Giamatti, yes. I was walking down the street and there was a group of three people and two of them were very, very hipster, like

extremely over the top to the point where you weren't even sure they were hipsters anymore. You're like, maybe that is how they are dressing. Like a bow tie and gum boots and some weird vest and, uh, you know, crazy glasses. And I don't know why, uh, glasses, um, those 2010 glasses, those should become a hipster thing. Oh, like the, the, the new year's glasses. Yeah. That to me, I think will be the next hipster thing.

Can you get a prescription in those? Sure. They're glasses. You can do it. But the one guy was saying to the other two, he was like, I don't know, man. I'm just really into Ed Sullivan right now. I was like, what?

How can that be a thing you're into? It's not a thing that's around to be into. They have been replaying old Ed Sullivan's on PBS. Yes, the comedy classics. Everything classics. Do you know what? They show those comedy clips, and they're dated, right? Because they're from 50 years ago.

50 years ago. So a lot of them, you're like, I appreciate the historical context, but it's not funny outright. Except there was one clip of Red Skelton. He spends like 30 or 40 seconds just combing his hair. He's like combing his hair and talking to the audience. And then he sneezes and his hair goes crazy. And that shit made me laugh so hard. If a comic did that today, I'd be be like this comic's going at the top he's like a troll pencil yeah yeah

smooth out the hair then spin it but but it was just uh man i didn't see it coming i didn't know he was combing his hair so much. Speaking of pencils, do kids need pencils anymore? Because I know everything's text-based and blah, blah, blah. But kids will never know the joy of a pencil topper. What about a new pack of pencil crayons? Oh, yeah. Or like some kids in my class i remember in like grade one had to

get like special had to put a rubber thing around the outside of the pencil because they weren't gripping it properly oh yeah yeah that's right but apparently a lot of states uh have stopped stop teaching cursive uh like uh your fucks your shits yes uh handwriting yeah so like they'll teach you printing and then that's all you need to know they i read an article like literally this morning about kids in kindergarten uh like one you know that they would send home a list to parents like this is the supplies for the year that you have to have for your kid, and an iPad was one of the... The kids are learning... That's great.

Both versions. We require iPad 1 and 2. My handwriting isn't... It's not like... It's like a hybrid of handwriting and printing. Sure. How about you? Mine is straight up printing.

I don't connect, cursive, this was my thing when I was a kid. And turns out I was right a couple of times when the teacher said, you won't be able to move to the next grade, first of all, and you won't be able to get a job and stuff if you don't know how to write in cursive. And in my head, just knowing that computers existed, I knew that that was bullshit. I was like, it just is inconceivable that by the time I'm an adult,

people will still be writing things in longhand. So I was like, that's horseshit. And the same thing when they said, you need to know your multiplication tables. I was like like i was already calculators are everywhere yeah and now obviously you don't need to know how to do either you can literally google an equation how's your handwriting chris um i still print and i let go of uh bubble dotting the eyes that's good. Except if you're writing a romantic note.

Exactly. But my parents' handwriting, like if I was ever late to class or had a doctor's appointment, they would write this beautiful... Exactly. Sure. And my dad would be able to write the same word,

it would be identical a hundred times in a row if he did it. My mother is, she, much like anybody in the medical profession, has handwriting that is like indiscernible. She would write us notes that maybe it said pick up radishes. Maybe it said I'll be back at 5 o'clock. No way to tell. Like just completely indescribable my dad's handwriting very very neat but yeah my mom's famously hilariously unreadable handwriting

but it's gone now unless you were like uh when would you use handwriting like you sign your signature yeah um that's it like when else would you mean you have to write a note to yourself for later prisoners right sure if you want to do like a fancy tattoo on your

you know lower back that says hey take it easy hey hey take it easy back there sailor

my mother has got some you know beautiful handwriting. I thought you were going to say some tattoos. She's got some great tattoos. Some to-do lists. To do in life. Oh, she got her bucket list tattooed on?

Smart. But no, she's still got some great handwriting. By trade, in the Philippines, she was a teacher. But when we came to Canada, she just didn't feel comfortable about her English speaking ability and that she couldn't hit the kids. Those are the two things you missed about the motherland no no it's just like just the whole like disciplining thing you know like the whole like you know spanking in the the you know the upper you know crest schools sure yeah like yeah but but it was just um yeah like uh she didn't let the kids get away with anything if i remember what do you mean by spanking in the upper crest school well you know like the paddle you know or like you know that kind of thing you know what

do they call that cor Corporal? Yeah. Corporal punishment. Yeah. That's kind of what I was alluding to. But I don't, yeah, that hasn't existed here for many, many years, even in the lower crest schools. Even in the crustiest of schools. Even in the pine. Like, I don't, like,

yeah, our teachers, like, couldn't touch us. Yeah. I mean, they could touch us you know uh like i have a few teachers who touched me you know sure uh in the heart yeah yeah i had a teacher who slapped me in the face but i was really asking for it really yeah yeah have you told this story i think so it was a science teacher and i uh i a girl over. And she liked it? I think she did. It was all part of we were working through our crushes for each other.

Anyways, he saw it, and then he slapped me in the face. How old were you? Fifteen. Too old for you to be pushing a girl. About right. Yeah, right. When he did it, I wasn't shocked at all. Did you give him a little fist bump?

Yeah, I think he asked me a question, and I said, I plead the fifth, because I saw somebody on TV saying that. And he was like, this is Canada. Yeah, that's what he said. He said, there is no such thing in Canada. Oh, man. I plead the fifth element.

Just quoted from the movie. Why did you push Mila Jovovich? Oh, guys. We also have overheards that were sent in via email. If you want to be one of these people, you can send them in to stoppodcastyourmail.com our first one comes from chris s uh this isn't overheard i was at the dollar store and saw a woman with three kids she was the mother or grandmother uh or maybe kidnapper is what it says but i think let's play this uh let's play this as the mother or grandmother a rough-looking mother a young-looking grandmother.

That's weird. Usually you can tell, can't you? Yeah, instead of doing the old, like, oh, is your sister at home? It's like, oh, is your granddaughter at home? Not a nanny, right? Not a nanny. Yeah, not a nanny. We know that.

Or she's either a regular mother. No, wait. A regular grandmother or a uh scientific miracle benjamin button moment yeah someone who had been implanted with embryos the youngest of the kids brought a bat with five inches of padding to the woman and asked what is this for the woman replied it's for hitting people. This is where I turned the corner and couldn't see them anymore. She then said, but don't hit your brother with it.

I then heard a loud crack. The woman then said, what did I just say? Of course, it's for hitting people. Well, I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't. I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't. I would be doing this bat a disservice if I didn't hit my brother with it.

This is fun because it looks, this reminds me of something that I would do, like speaking of high school days and such. This is from Danny M. Danny's, I've got an overseen for you. I was in my math class today, and in the textbook I was issued, there was a comment written on the back page. It read, I hate you, math book. I hope you die on fire. That's a good way to kill a math book. Yeah. Oh, I love it.

A note to a math book. Yeah, note to you, math book. Oh, man. Great work. And I found this one to be, this is very endearing. This is from Megan M. from Burnaby, where we established. Great place to smoke pot in a football field. Apparently.

Go to a, what kind of restaurant? Laser tag restaurant. Oh, laser tag restaurant. Let's open up a laser tag high rise, guys. And I mean the entire, not just two or three floors. The entire building is a laser tag arena not just two or three floors the entire building is a laser tag arena and it's just called the laser building yeah and there's some offices in it just to defray the cost there are some offices in it but they're not off limits

yeah you have to work in a black light office um i'm this is uh megan m i'm taking the West Coast Express down to Seattle. This is on the Labor Day weekend. And four elderly people sit down across the aisle. They begin talking about Washington in all its glory. And the most talkative grandfather says, I always wanted to see this part of Washington. This is where our birdbath came from.

Wow. Yeah. Let's take a picture of me with the birdbath and then at the place where we got our birdbath. Or at least where it was constructed? Yeah, sure. You know, like a cement place that fabricates birdbaths.

Birdbaths are, I guess they are really only for old people, or people who are, you know, home in the day and have to look out the window. Or a really smart cat that knows how to use a credit card. The paralyzed. The diving bell

and the butterflies. Yeah, the Hannibal Lecters. Cannibals who've been strapped to some sort of apparatus where all they can do is look at the birdbath. That's what I find, too. So, like, older people, they just love nature, hey? Like, the older you get, the more you get into nature. It's true.

It's like, I wish I had that kind of patience and appreciation for birds that birdwatchers have. Oh, man. Yeah, that... Like, I can understand the love of nature, but, like, just trees. Like, I like trees, I like water, I like, oh, look at the pretty mountain.

Yeah. But, like, so wait around for some dumb bird to have sex? Wait a minute, to have sex? Well, that's the only... That's people who are cruising. Bird watchers who are, like... The only... That's people who are cruising. Bird watchers. The only thing birds do are like, they chase around food or nectar. Sure.

They sing. They sing. Well, yeah. They sing the most beautiful songs. They sing to have sex. Oh, yeah. Like, hey, come here. But isn't that what you do at karaoke, pretty much?

How like us we are. How like us we are? Yeah. So says Joey Fatone, host of karaoke sa have you seen that show no no i watched it for the first time last night uh it's uh carnie wilson is one of the did he host something else before did he host one of those there were like two or three lyrics shows yeah he did he did he hosted the lyrics b or something or like a dance was it did he host the dance crew dance dance lyrics america's next pasta eating champion yeah my big fact greek wedding star joey fatone yeah stars in stuff your face what is uh america's

god appetite yeah what is karaoke challenge usa challenge well it just finished last night so i know will it be out on dvd it's hard to say is it on netflix yet uh it's he's the host and it's just people who do karaoke going up is there a a prize is there a winner yeah but i don't think like the prize you know, it's not worth going on the show for. Do you know what I mean? It seems like it was shot in a really small studio, and the judges were a guy who was apparently good at karaoke, some writer from Rolling Stone, and Carney Wilson.

So, you know, I don't know. I don't know how much more. I only watched part of an episode, and the lady who is an African-American lady was by far and away the best, and she lost to the white woman. Right? Yeah.

Race politics in reality television. Where was Rosa Parks? Are you going to take it this fall? In addition to overheards that have been written into us, we also get overheards by phone. And if you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. That's 206-339-TEET. Someone called in actually asking why we don't say teet anymore. We just did.

Yeah, probably because we got tired of saying the same joke a hundred times in a row. Put that in your pipe and karaoke it. Overhearts. Hey, Dave, Graham, and Grandpa. It's Paige calling from Calgary. I just got off the bus and had a funny overheard where I did an interjection and I felt it was pretty perfect. There were a bunch of high school kids

and they were talking about why they didn't understand why this bitch was really upset about them for holding on to the back bumper of her car while wearing rollerblades and because she had said something about them smashing their face on her back bumper and they didn't understand how that was going to happen um now at this very moment the bus had made an abrupt stop and one of them that was leaning forward digging in their backpack smashed their face into the seat in front of them and i just sort of turned to them and calmly said that's why yeah yeah i like that that's a that's a cool calm collected uh interjection but i also like the idea that kids didn't understand why someone was mad at them for riding the back of their car.

We had to be told specifically as late as high school not to grab onto the back of buses and when it had snowed and the streets were really icy, not to grab onto the back of buses and ride them down the street.

We had to be told that. Because kids... The fact that any kid makes it to 18 back of buses and ride them down the street oh right yeah like we had to be told that uh because kids i mean the fact that any kid makes it to 18 is like like when you see a whole room of them you're like how did you all not die doing hilariously bad things that's all kids do their tour of duty known as teenage yeah yeah right yeah like you expect them all to be in those crazy neck braces where the screws are in your head. Because they all did weird flips. I remember my sister, my parents were away and my sister, my older sister had a party. And I was like 12 at the time.

And she had a bunch of people over and there was one guy who had a stutter. Yeah. And I made fun of him for having a stutter, which is awful. Sure. What did you call him? Stutter buddy? No, I would just kind of just talk with a stutter, which is awful. Sure. What did you call him? Stutter buddy? No, I would just kind of talk with a stutterer. It's really bad. And there was another guy who had

his... was in one of those crazy neck braces with the screws in your head and just like a cube around your head. Yeah, yeah. And then when my parents got home... I don't remember doing anything mean to him, but when my parents got home And I Like I don't remember doing anything mean to them But when my parents got home

My sister told on me And she was like Dave made fun of this guy For his stutter And he was staring at this guy in a neck brace Like he looked like a robot And my dad was like Dave Come on you know better than that Did you though?

About the stutter. But I bet that guy totally looked like a robot. He was off the hook for half of it. I feel like I've told this story on the show before. I don't think so. It sounds like that guy was like, remember there was a He-Man character who could change his face? He had like a weird blocky head. Yeah, yeah.

Robot blockhead. Many face. Many face. There you go. Was it really? Yeah, I think it was many face. It's not very creatively made. Also, what kind of crazy party was your sister throwing at these two guys?

There were just people from her class. She wasn't throwing like a sideshow party. There were two of, you two of 30 people there. It sounds like when you have a crazy party scene, you would put in the guy with the neck brace just to add a kooky element to it. A guy dressed like one of the early Beastie Boys would be in there. The guy from the Goonies would be in the back.

When you said that, I thought of... There's a scene at the beginning of Say Anything where the John Cusack movie. Oh, yes. Where Ione Sky is at this party. Yeah. And John Cusack is in charge of everyone's keys. The key holder.

Yeah. And his name is Lloyd Dobler. Yeah. And they're talking about him in one room. And then just this really drunk guy walks by and goes, Lloyd Dobler, all right. Hello. That's awesome. He was the character in that one.

And of course, Lily Taylor wrote these, had written a bunch of crazy songs about her ex-boyfriend. Sure. And they're awful. But it's like there was a great scene in the John Candy film Uncle Buck, where he infiltrates a house party and somebody trades hats with him. He takes off his old man hat and puts a crazy bebop hat on him. But yeah, you need those characters at a party. A guy in a weird hat, a guy in a neck brace, a guy riding a motorcycle.

Yeah, all those medical apparatus things look kind of funny. How about the one with the brace one? Yeah, yeah. Like headgear? Yeah, I haven't seen anybody in them lately. Yeah, do they do headgear anymore? I think that they figured out a way via braces to not have a whole... Like, it's man, oh man, as if being a teenager isn't bad enough.

Now they have braces on the inside of teeth, don't they? I had the full... I had headgear, I had braces. You had headgear? Oh, yeah, I think you've told me that. But, like, only, like, for six months, and then the orthodontist was like, okay, you're done. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot, though.

It's a lot for a kid to go through. It is. It definitely is. Headgear. Yeah, but how about that one where you put it, like, right in between your legs, and they kind of have to, like... It's a real girl? No, the one, like, it's your legs and they kind of have to like it's a real girl no the one like it's just like kind of at your ankles and maybe it's something screwed up with your actual legs oh yeah and then you you kind of kind of kind of like a forest gump

leg brace yeah situation yeah yeah sounds awful i knew somebody that had the leg braces a la forest gump that were like with the metal part that went down the side of the leg. And that was there for it. It was unfortunate because you couldn't wear pants over it. It had to be over the pants. Unless you had like rave pants. Sure. Which we all did.

He still had to wear them over. Over the pants. That was an after school activity. Over the pants. Or the MC Hammer pants. Under the shirt, over the pants. Over the pants. That was an after-school activity. Over the pants. Under the shirt. Over the bra. Look out. Something here comes. Next phone call.

Hi, David Graham. This is Katie from Pennsylvania. Oh, also, hi, guest. Forgot about that part. Calling in with an overheard. I was just in a Walmart parking lot walking behind this guy on my way to return my cart. It was like middle-aged,

bald business guy. Says, so you're saying you want 52 t-shirts? Then a pause. So did you masturbate right afterwards? Longer pause. So what are you at? Fucking Chuck E. Cheese?

All right. Bye. I think after hearing 52, I would have said, hey, one per week. One per deck of a card in a deck. Sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah. A great, yeah, multi, that'd be a great strip poker thing if you were all 52. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nine of hearts, take it off. If you play strip 52 pickup. Why would you ask if you masturbated? Oh, I guess the excitement. Maybe he was talking to a bonobo monkey. Is that what they constantly do? Yeah, if they get scared, they have sex or masturbate. That's what bird watchers are watching for.

Sex monkeys. And then Chuck E. Cheese at the end. Really, they do that amongst themselves? Yeah, yeah. I think it's bonobos that their panic response is to have sex. Like everybody at the Roxy. Or like any of those movies where it's like oh it's the end of the world actually though that never happens in movies where it's the end of the world like 2012 there's no there's no panic like hey it's our last night on earth what was the women just

on their last night i don't know if they just want to nag you they just want to vacuum and nag change the channels oh no they want to stay on a channel i don't remember bonbons um i don't think yeah i don't think but that's always the thing is like you're like i just wait till that last day on earth but probably there's some crazy shit happening that you would like yeah be distracting from having sex sex would probably be like the most boring thing you could do when there's like dragons yeah like the ground is opening up zombies are running around and you're like yeah i'm gonna finally get to do it with what's your name yeah chris cheryl high school. Captain of the football lady team. I meant the painted ladies.

Head cheerleader. Our football lady team. Go ladies! One more over here. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Terry, soon to be a resident of Chicago, Illinois. I'm calling in with an overheard. Recently I was hanging around some very religious churchy types,

and one of them picked up a cross, held it like a gun, and pointed it at another person. And my confusion at this gesture was quickly replaced by stifled laughter when he followed that up by saying, Don't worry. it's filled with a never-ending clip of hope, love, and faith. Oh! Wow!

Total G's a weapon. I'm out of faith. Oh, wow. Let me fill you up with my gun. Yeah. Yeah, gross. I mean, not even gross, just nerdy.

Yeah, I was... Yesterday I was at an Army-Navy surplus store. Did they have any Jesus guns? Yeah, I was looking specifically for any kind of Jesus gun. What gun would Jesus use? Yeah, I was looking specifically for any kind of Jesus gun. What gun would Jesus use? Yeah, W-G- W-J-U. And

they had, like, the most intricate array of pellet guns and paintball guns that looked like, they looked like machine guns, and they looked like handguns. And like I thought like paintball just had the one conventional size of gun. And also, why are you using a pellet gun?

You're only killing small animals if you have a pellet gun, right? What else are you doing with it? Yeah. Shooting your little brother. Yeah. Shooting a squirrel. Shooting a bird. A can.

A can? Yeah, I think that you would start with cans to get your aim ready to shoot a small animal. Yeah. Shooting your little brother. Yeah. Shooting a squirrel. Shooting a bird. A can. A can? Yeah, I think that you would start with cans to get your aim ready to shoot a small animal. Yeah. Pellet guns, to me, it's more... It's kind of more awful that they're selling those than actual guns. Because I'm like, well, what would you use a pellet gun for if there was an emergency... It's only used to rob a bank because they look like a real gun. Or shoot a small animal.

Am I wrong? There's a gun store in my neighborhood. It's called Reliable Gun. It should be. And I think they sell actual rifles and hunting supplies. And I've never seen... I don't go in there. I never even walk past.

Sometimes I drive past. Sure. And I never notice it except one time there. I never even walk past. Sometimes I drive past, and I never notice it, except one time there was a lineup around the block. I don't know if there was a signing or a meet and greet or some kind of like... Yeah, Pecos Bill was there. Who? I don't know.

That's like a famous, you know, like a Paul Bunyan, but with guns. Oh, I don't know that. Pecos Bill. Ted you know, like a Paul Bunyan, but with guns. I don't know that. There goes Bill. Ted Nugent. Yeah, maybe Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent, yeah. Sign his new album with, he'll shoot his signature. Just write up his tag with bullets.

Oh, man. Well, this has been fantastic. Hasn't it, though? Yeah. What a great Saturday. The sun has gone away. Summer's over. See you later.

You know, it's... Rise of the Palos. It's Doug E. Fresh's birthday. Oh, happy birthday, Doug E. Fresh. It's Nate Berkus' birthday. Oh, I don't celebrate that. Rita Rudner's birthday. Oh, I celebrate that. Let's see. Who else did I see? Oh, Flo Rida. It's Nate Berkus' birthday. Oh, I don't celebrate that. Rita Rudner's birthday. Oh, I celebrate that.

Let's see. Who else did I see? Oh, Flo Rida. It's his birthday today. Oh, Flo Rida. Yeah. So it's a big day. Guys, I just realized.

I'm glad we got to be here. Florida. Florida. Doy. Just joking, guys. Now, we were talking off the top of the show, Chris. Joking, guys. Now, we were talking off the top of the show, Chris.

Titmouse is a show. It will be happening at the Cosmic Zoo, formerly the Hennessy. That's the same place that the Sunday Service does their show each and every Sunday. You guys are going to be there September 21. Correct. Are you going to try to ask them to change their name back to something less ridiculous? I'll start the campaign. There you go. So you've got that.

You're going out to the Canadian Comedy Awards. If people want to find you online, they want to see a little bit of Chris Cassell, where do they go? They can reach me at urbanimprov.ca. Urbanimprov.ca? Okayimprov.ca, okay. Or vtsl.com. Vancouvertheatersportsleague.com, yes. And that's pretty much about it. Nice.

Well, thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you for having me. I hope that your upside-down bicycle trick worked, because I know that you parked it here, and let's hope it's still there. It's a rough neighborhood. Dave, do you have anything coming up? This Friday.

Or Saturday, pardon me. Saturday at the Biltmore. You and I will be at the Biltmore with who else is on the show? There's past guests, Jane Stanton, Ivan Decker, Alicia Tobin, yourself, me as host,

Ben Mills. A super special guest. A super special surprise guest, not to be announced, so you just have to show up and see what that's about. You can get tickets for that at Oleo. Is it oleo.com? I think so. Yeah, well, just look up the Oleo Festival.

O-L-I-O. And I think you could probably get tickets at the door as well. Yes. Thursday as well-I-O. And I think you could probably get tickets at the door as well. Yes. Thursday as well. Thursday as well. Beard Painting Show at the Little Mountain Gallery. That's on Main and 26th. Little Mountain Gallery. That should be a fun time. Yeah.

And yeah, anything that... I'll post pictures online of all the paintings. Speaking of pictures online, how about this Ian Gallant character? Oh, yeah. A podcast listener in our Facebook group. Yes. Has been, like, the, I don't think we mentioned it.

The show two weeks ago when we were talking about the Walrus movie. Eyebalrus. Yeah. The Walrus with the two eyeballs on his tusks. Yeah. he did a a poster for that movie that was fantastic super great

and this week he did a uh we were talking last week about the Archie kiss crossover and he made a cover of a

little jinx mini kiss crossover and it looks I mean it looks as if it really existed yeah it's that good we'll post it on the blog

at MaximumFun.org this week. And speaking of MaximumFun.org, if you want to buy a personal message like we did earlier in the show, you can go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And that's where you...

Sending a personal message to somebody that you love? Maybe you have a crush on? Yeah, a secret admirer. Oh, that's fun.'re sending a personal message to somebody that you love. Maybe you have a crush on. You, yeah. A secret admirer. Oh, that's fun. That's a fun way to let them know that you're ready to do some deep dicking. Sure. Don't just push them in your science class and then get slapped by your teacher.

And everybody, do check out the blog recap. It's at MaximumFun.org. That's pictures, videos that relate to things that we talked about on the podcast here today. And thanks everybody for listening. We'll see you back here next week for another scintillating episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. speaking of karaoke makes me think of what was the movie with gwyneth paltrow in it duets duets is the ad the television commercial for contag, where she's having the weird seizure, the funniest thing on television right now? It's pretty funny. Yeah, like that's the only clip of her in the movie.

And Gwyneth Paltrow as this puddle of goo.