Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 184 - Adam Pateman

Episode Date: September 27, 2011

Comedian Adam Pateman returns to talk New York, Real Steel, and eyebrows. Also, stories of getting locked out.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 184 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a guy who gave up his career in training robots how to box to host this very podcast, Mr. Dave Shumka. Have you seen the previews for Real Steel? I have.

It looks amazing. Can we talk about it in the show today, please? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. It seems like they didn't get the rights to Rock'em Talk'em Robots. That seems like what happened in that. But that's what I'm guessing. Yeah, it's...

We gotta wait. We'll wait. No, we'll wait. Our guest today, a returning guest, a gentleman we didn't know. We had no idea if he was ever going to come back to the city. guest, a gentleman we didn't know. We had no idea if he was ever going to come back to the city. He went and he lived in New York, strictly based on the movie The Muppets Take Manhattan. You assumed that that's what it was going to be like. And you found out that it was pretty close. Oh, yeah.

And you lived in Manhattan, central Manhattan. Near it, yeah. And then you, just recently, you went down to Austin with the kind of sentiment that, maybe I'll just stay in Austin. But you came back. Yeah. And the Muppets take the middle part of Texas. Yeah.

The Muppets take that popular music festival. He's a very funny comedian, and we're very glad to have him back on the show. Mr. Adam Pateman. Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks for coming back from New York. You it thanks for escaping new york it's been uh 130 some episodes since the last year it's been a chunk of time yeah um yeah things things have happened i'm not gonna lie well let's get to know us yeah get to know us uh things have happened to us, too. Real Steel came out. We're really excited about that.

It didn't come out yet. No, I know, but we're really excited about the trailers. Yeah, it does look good. Adam, you went and lived in the city that Jay-Z loves to rap about. That's right. Chi-town. Specifically Brooklyn, too, yeah. I think he named himself

After the subway stops that he lived by It was the JMZ Is the subway line That I think he lived by I lived on that line So you're right I didn't even know That's like when Jennifer Lopez

Named her album On The Six Is that really a thing? Yeah, it wasn't a sex thing. She said sex like she was a New Zealander. On the Six. No, she did it like when you're checking out a girl

and you're like, hey, cute girl, 6 o'clock. She's on the Six. On the Six. You were the Six of the 69. I'm on the 6 was You were the 6 of the 69 I'm on the 6 There's a bunch of 6 Can we 69? I'll be 6 You be the 9

So you lived off the Jay-Z line So you're talking about the Jay-Z song Where Alicia Keys sings About New York Yes Is the line in that song Concrete jungles where dreams are made of? What are the other options?

Oh, God, I don't know. Concrete jungles where dreams are made from? Shouldn't it just be Concrete jungle where dreams are made? Yeah, she can't end it with a preposition. We're getting stickler here. But they're not Where are dreams made of?

This is probably well-trod territory It's a song from 45 years ago In the medulla omplungata That's where dreams are constructed Sure Yeah, why not? I'll be a scientist today When you were in New York

Was that song popular? Yeah, it was It played everywhere you went Which is surprising, was that song popular? Yeah, it was. It played everywhere you went. Which is surprising. I thought that it was like a thing like, oh, well, no one wants to hear about how great New York is if you're in New York. But no, it's like every single time you walk, if you walk past a drugstore, it's like, oh, all right, that's the song that they're playing. Really? Like, it's like if you went to a monster party and they were playing the Monster Mash. You'd be like, really? A little on the nose.

A little too obvious. A little on someone else's nose, Frankenstein. Now, you lived in New York. You were doing comedy in New York. Yes. You worked at a Mac store in New York. I worked at the Apple store for a while. Oh, the Apple store.

I meant Mac. No, it's not the Mac store. What are you talking about? It's the makeup store. I worked right by there, though, and that confused people. People would come in and be like, is this a makeup place? Like, no, but I know what's going on. And there was a mac and cheese place, too, that was also a couple blocks

away. So it was constant. But it's not like you had the words the Mac store there. It was a picture of an apple. People would Google it on phones, and then they'd just be staring at a phone, and then they'd walk in and be like, oh, nope. And then they would just turn around. They'd walk in with their fork and knife.

Oh, this is not. Bib already on. I love mac and cheese. Most likely they were using a phone that they had bought at the store. I know. Where they were trying to get some macaroni. Androids. And there was a store that only sold the movie Mac and Me.

A movie about an alien? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, and he whistled. Like, that was his way of summoning the other aliens or something. And there was, like, a McDonald's scene where he scene where he would dance at the table dressed as a bear. Am I crazy? Dressed as a bear? Mac and me.

I haven't seen it. Is Mac and me the one with the big dance number in the McDonald's? It is. It honestly is. Because there is a famous dance scene from a movie in the 80s, and everybody in the McDonald's does a huge dance number. And they dance on the giant piano. That's Big Mac and me. It's all the magic, guys.

It's the magic. Oh, that's also in New York. Yeah, that's in the jungle. Sure. There have been upwards of five movies that have taken place. Ghostbusters. Yep. That one with Nicolas Cage.

The one at World Trade Center. L.A. Confidential? No. Latter. Latter 49. Leaving Las Vegas? Damn it. Yeah.

Paris Je T'aime? Something, something Colorado. I don't know.'aime? Something Something Colorado? I don't know. Is there a movie with Colorado in it? Something Something Colorado? I'm writing that movie there when you're dead. Congratulations, you're a lead role in that. Something Something Colorado.

How was New York? It was great. The first year, I hated it. I hated it so much. It was great. The first year, I hated it. I hated it so much. It was very, very poor. Like, to an extent of poor that I have never encountered before in my life. But then the last year was great. I made a lot of really good friends.

The comedy scene there is super fun. But it's not like here where you can get up three times times at night and you can like establish yourself as a comic. Yeah. Like a year in and be like, oh, I'm on all the shows there. It's like, oh, well get in this long line of comedians. And so it was a little bit tougher, but it's, it was worth it in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. When you were super poor. Yeah. Were you wearing socks as gloves? How low did you get? What was your lowest moment? All right. Well, uh, socks, if you want to talk about like uh i want to talk about different desperate socks situations there was it was like mid-winter and it was like the first year i was there and i had no money like at all like literally no money so i used um bread bags over my uh worn

out socks that had holes in my shoes uh- shoes it was like straight up like Angela's ashes like I don't have shoes they would have been happy to have bread bags in Angela's ashes that was a Christmas present if you were good because that implied bread I had bread and then I had shoes

it was great it sounds pretty good so far bread and shoes what brand of shoes are those? Wonder. But yeah, I got so poor. How poor? That happened in my head. I was like, I hope this doesn't happen out loud.

Oops, it did. I actually, I was working as a birthday party coordinator in the Brooklyn Children's Museum, which is like Science World Part 2. All right. And I didn't have – I was making no money at all there, even though I was working an office job, which always pay well. Did they tell you in New York that they don't pay people who work in museums? Why were you making no money?

Well, it's like comedy. The first year, you're just trying to get your name out there, working in an office. They could see a sucker a mile away. Ah, we'll just pay him in museum entries. You can go to the museum anytime you want. Work in it. You showed up

with your suitcases. You walked right from the bus station. Suitcases were covered in stickers from different parts of the world. You were just on a steam ship. My name is Adam P. Rube. So, yeah, I was just at a low wage there. So I bought a bag of balloon animal balloons,

and I just went to Central Park in the middle of the winter, and I was like, I just need enough money to buy groceries. So I had enough to buy this bag of balloons. I wanted to turn that bag of balloons into money. And it fucking worked. It worked. So I went and just made balloon animals for one day. I'm like, maybe this will work.

And I made $35 in the first hour. And I was like, oh, I'm just going to do this all the time. I can buy as many bags of bread For my feet as I want So I ended up Leaving that job And in the spring, balloon animal season was great So that's all I did

Those animals just want to get together And have sex They reproduce like crazy That's a great story It's like one of those ones Like my grandfather came to this country with $10 to his name, and he took that $10. He bought balloon animals.

It was exactly like that, yeah. I just went on YouTube. I learned how to make Elmo and stuff, and then I just, yeah, that's a big seller, the Elmo balloon, oof. I don't think in a million years if I was down to a tiny amount of money that my instinct would ever push me towards buying balloons and assuming i could make balloon

well i just i i already had the know-how uh i learned it was like a trade a trade i don't think so right now i guess uh but it's a skill i picked up it's like oh i guess i'll i'll do whatever i can uh it was either that or like hand out flyers in times square which was another option but like yeah it's but it's something like if i only had ten dollars i think i would uh put a down payment on a ticket out of the city so did you uh uh you know how like when you see sketch artists on the street or like uh people who do uh will draw you or whatever they've got yeah pictures of tupac and scarface we would fight for the same spot did but did you ever have to like did you ever pre-set up an elmo or a tupac or a scarface i wish i could pick a tupac

balloon animal that is my i i will try that check YouTube. I'll at least Google image search it, and it'll be there. But, no, I had this rack that I would put in my backpack. A rack? All right. Well, yeah, it was my balloon animal rack that was like a shoe rack, and it was collapsible, and I would just set it up, and I would just start making balloon animals and stick it in the shoe rack, and I would just be dressed the way I dress.

I wouldn't dress up like a clown because i hate clowns and uh yeah and i would just keep filling it up until people would walk by and be like how much are they it's and i would be like they're by donation and then they're like oh and it's like a rich area so they would just like leave me ten dollar tips and an entire chocolate bar like a full-size yeah total room and they would always talk like uh wealthy dowagers oh oh heaven donation you say love it i had celebrities buy balloon apples off oh yeah how many and can we guess them yeah yeah yes please just make a broad top three celebrities how were there three of them were there three i i there know. There was one other girl that probably was a celebrity because she was with the other celebrity.

But I didn't know who she was, but she was very pretty. Ben Affleck. Nope. Good guess, though. Both were female. I want to narrow it down. Okay, so they're both female. Nicole Richie. One of them is related.

I don't know if she's a celebrity then, now that I'm saying it. But she's related to the person whose birthday it is today. If he was still alive, he'd be turning 75. Jim Henson. Brian Henson. His daughter. I just said it. Jim Henson's daughter.

She bought some Muppet balloons off me. We're not calling that a celebrity. Come on! She bought up all your Muppet balloons and then sued you. Yeah, don't make me worry. I was like, as soon as I found out who she was, her kid said who they were. He was like, you know, my grandpa

is Jim Henson. I'm like, oh shit, I just sold you an Elmo balloon. I'm going to jail. Wow. That's pretty braggy of that kid, for one thing. If you had that in your arsenal.

But, like, the kid probably had never even met his grandfather. I've got Muppet in my blood. Yeah, I'm part Muppet. I've got felt in my veins. I've got some Muppet blood. I've got to go to the hospital, because it's going to get stuck in my brain somewhere. Okay, so that was the first celebrity. Is the second celebrity more or less famous?

It's more famous. And you said that there was a third celebrity you think was a celebrity because they were hanging out with... Yeah, she was just some girl hanging out with this next one. Oh, it wasn't just some girl hanging out with Jim Henson's daughter? Yeah, that's right. Matt Damon. No, these aren't guesses.

We've got to narrow it down. I'm helping you. I've just narrowed it down. You know it's not Matt Damon. Okay, black or white? White. Those are the only kind of celebrities. Michael Jackson. Oh, hey.

A 30 or below? Below it. Oh, Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze? 30 or below. Oh, come on. I guess he quips. I'm the rapper.

He's the DJ. Is that a thing? Okay. All right, now I'm ready. This is my guess. Okay. Lindsay Lohan. Oh, no, but also has freckles.

Also has freckles. Is it a redhead? No. Okay. She also has freckles. Somebody brish. Yeah. Mr. B. She also has freckles. Somebody brish. Yeah. Mr. B. She's like a new celebrity. Oh.

Emma Stone. Uh, no. But that would be great. Oh, is it Evangeline Lilly? No. She played freckles on Lost. She did. She's from Abbotsford. I don't know how to... We're not going to guess it either.

Okay, so it was the girl who played Maybe Fionn Kay. Oh, that's fun. And when it happened, I was like, I think it's her! And then when I later worked at the Apple store, she came in again there with Michael Cera. And I was like, oh, that was her. Weird.

Possible cast reunion? Or are they fulfilling their cousin dreams cousin dreams they were cousins on the show I thought you said cousin dreams as if cousin dreams are a thing people have oh yeah people have cousin dreams do you ever have a cousin dream

I have one right now so you hobnobbed with the rich and famous you hung out in famous center I guess that's me hobnobbed with the rich and famous. Mm-hmm. You hung out in famous center. I guess that's me hobnobbing. I'm thinking she wasn't hanging out with another celebrity. Well, it was just some girl who's very pretty. Okay.

And they're both actors. Oh, they're both actors. I don't know all celebrities. What... I'm just assuming there was another celebrity. What balloon animal did they get? She got a sword, I think, and an Elmo as well. And stabbed it into the Elmo. Yeah, swords are pretty sweet.

Yeah, I didn't know you could make a balloon sword. I guess you can make anything out of balloons if you want to try. As soon as you give it to the kid, they immediately attack their parents with it. Pretty great. Yeah, it's great as soon as you give it to the kid they immediately attack their parents with it pretty great yeah ah it's wonderful um did you after hours make like a beige sword that kind of looked like a wiener oh just for adults oh i've made wiener balloons for sure oh wow yeah do you do a lot of bachelorette parties no i'm not bad though that is a thing yeah because if you made a hat that looked like a wiener, a bachelorette would wear it. They love wearing wieners on their head. They wear them to comedy clubs.

There's nothing that women love more than wearing a wiener on their head. Or going to a comedy show for their stagette and just ruining the show. And ruining everyone's life. My husband won't let me do this once we're married. I'm just going to be able to ruin him. Coming from a married man. I know, I just realized I'm just going to be able to ruin him. Oh, right. Coming from a married man.

I know, I just realized I'm a married man. Congratulations, by the way. I'll be able to tell you in person. That's wonderful. Adam was going to send you some balloon animals in the mail. Then they shriveled over time. Could you make a balloon animal and then deflate it

to save in shipping costs? Have somebody inflate it on the go? Yeah. Oh, like put liquid nitrogen in with it or something so it just like shrivels up? Oh, no, I just mean like don't just untie the ends of the balloons and then have the people tie them back up. I don't think so, but you might be onto something there, buddy. Like pre-made. Yeah, buddy. Like, free mail. Yeah, you're now my business partner.

So you were doing comedy. You were living in hipster paradise. In Squalor. I was living in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Yeah. What was the most hilarious hipster outfit that you saw? Oh, man. They are up there.

Somebody in Lederhosen, perhaps? I saw a group of guys who looked like they were all bank tellers from 1930. And they all had the curly mustache. And they were like, I'm ruined. What has happened? Yeah, it was like that. It was like a slightly disheveled curly mustache um but like the pinstripe suit thing tight pinstripe suits and wait a minute tight pinstripe suits why is

that a thing i don't know they were just they were they they made them tight i don't know were the suits tight or the stripes both very. Very thin stripes. But yeah, no, there's... I feel like it's not as bad as it used to be. I think when I first moved there, it was very hipster time. And now people are... Since this recession, none of these hipsters are getting money from mom and dad. So they're like, oh, I guess we've got to get jobs or move out of the city. Get jobs at an artisanal uh chocolate shop

i gotta work on a fancy cheese place on bedford so you left new york though um uh pourquoi uh well i i lined up a bunch of uh paid work out here um i always like to come back to uh vancouver to like do uh shows out here because you can get a lot more stage time. It's a good place to develop material. Whereas New York is a really good place to showcase it. Yeah. It's like – because if you can only get up so many times and every show is pretty important because you want people to see you and like you. But if you want to develop new material, you don't want to do new material on those super important shows necessarily.

I mean, because, I don't know, if it's something that you're not totally 100% on, and then people will be like, oh, yeah, no. Right. I know that sound. I hear that a lot. No, no. No, thanks. No, but it's good. But what's really interesting about New York is that it's just like, it's, you have to be, like, there is that, you're being forced to constantly write new stuff all the time

because it's all comics that are at the shows. It's not a huge place for audiences to go. Like, here you get, like, 45 people in a crowd. There it's, like, three people that know, like, the comics. And the rest are all, like, 70 comics sitting in the back and I've heard everyone's stuff before so you have to develop all this. Where are all the people in New York? I hear this about comedy

clubs but aren't there like millions and millions of people in New York? There's just so many things to do Like what? There's 8 million stories in the Naked City Yeah, it's like that movie 200 Cigarettes I don't know everything's going on 300 to 200 a bunch of cigarettes the losing of a hundred cigarettes

a lot of a lot of different plots to follow um no how much of uh escape from new york is what is true about new york is it closer to that or big? Well, I did overnight turn into Tom Hanks. So that was pretty accurate, with at least my experience with it. I actually never seen it. I don't know if I've seen Escape from New York. Which one is that? The one where they escape from L.A.

Oh, leaving Las Vegas again. Yeah, I've seen that. No, it really is just like a place. It just a big it's a it's just a big place with like a lot of scary building stuff going on and that's what scary buildings scary graffiti uh people with knives on the subway um old lady hip-hop uh rappers oh i wish i wish old school uh hip-hop uh dance troops on every corner doing freestyle dances. People opening up fire hydrants and having street parties. That is a thing.

Yeah. People open up the fire hydrants and waste a ton of water in the summer. And kids will play in it for five minutes and be like, oh, I'm all wet. And then just bring for another 12 hours. Everyone just leaves it. Exactly. And it just floods the street. And people are like, well, that's just what you do. We're crazy.

Concrete jungle, where dreams are made of. So you came back to Vancouver for a while. Then you went to Austin. Yeah, I was doing a festival down there. And South by Southwest. No, it was the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival. Now, what does that mean? Does it mean, oh, you know. Were you on the nasty show real risky i was on okay it was a it's actually an improv

festival but they were like hey let's put on some stand-up comics as well so i was in the one venue where it was just like all comics were put on but we weren't paid uh i've been to that festival Yeah It wasn't Yeah I don't feel bad saying it It wasn't a very well run festival It was just a lot of people Like myself Who've come from very far to be there And they're like oh we don't have any money now

We're just here And then I'm sitting You went to the balloon shop I'm going gonna save this festival oh but yeah no it was i don't want to speak too ill of it it was fun it was really fun this the the crowds there are awesome um the food is great great in texas i'd never had tex mix before and it's tasty it's a good thing now that's a mix of two cultures. Yeah, it's a Texas version of Mexican food, which means that there's, like, plasticky cheese in it,

which is awesome. Like American slices of American cheese. No, like Velveeta, Cheeto Velveeta. What? Is that what Tex-Mex is? Well, that's a big thing. That's queso is the sauce. It's just melted Velveeta cheese on everything that's Mexican, is uh is the sauce it's like it's just it's velveta melted velveta cheese on everything that's mexican and it's fantastic oh sounds good oh it's your pro yeah yeah i mean

like i'm all about uh cultures coming together uh like the pad thai sure yeah had people in the thai people making a delicious dish who are the pad people. They're like pod people. Who live underwater. I was going to say they work in the Mac store. We're on the same page. Yeah. So you're back. And welcome back. Oh, thank you very much.

And we're glad you survived. And you were only mugged by stereotypes how many times in New York? I was actually only mugged once. I was beat up. I was beat up. I was beat up by a group of six 20-year-olds. They're just looking for someone

to beat up. All the thick Boston accents. It's actually an insane story if you want to hear. I'll give you a quick rundown of it. We are really short on time. I've told this story before and like and then what okay so um yeah i got i i was i came out of a subway and i saw these like guys sorry this was new york subway store or subway subway stop okay i'm in brooklyn that's

what they call subway stores in new york subway stops yeah that is confusing though yeah people are like okay i just came out of a subway i ate fresh it's not what you think i was eating in a very fresh way in a very will smith type of way i was eating uh what fresh i was yeah i was eating a philly cheese steak on the subway i gotcha okay so this story that he claims is long We're gonna make it so long Alright I'll tell you quickly I came out of the subway stop And as soon as I walk out

As I'm walking up those stairs I just see these six guys Walking towards me and they're like smashing bottles on the ground I'm like oh they're gonna kick the shit out of somebody I'm like I better I better take off this penis hat That I made. He's wearing

a balloon hat. Hope these guys don't beat me up. It's not far off from that. I tried to look nonchalant. I was like, oh, I don't want these guys to beat me up. So I'm just going to pretend that I'm like, you know, I don't even care. I don't even notice

them. And they're destroying stuff so there's a pole that comes out of every subway stop and I swung around it daintily to be nonchalant Swinging in the rain style Yeah swinging in the rain style like I'm just on my way home not trying to draw any attention to me

You made yourself a hat out of balloons very quickly Essentially So as soon as they saw that, they all just got quiet and they're like, oh, and so I'm walking and then they just like, they got really quiet and then I could just tell that they're all walking really close behind me

and I was like, don't turn around. That's just going to provoke them. Just keep walking. And then I got hit in the back of the head with like a pipe or something. Like straight up 1930's style. And I just fell to the back of the head with like a pipe or something like straight up 1930s style like kazoom and I just fell to the ground like and then yeah they kicked me in the ribs

and the head how long did it go on for I've never been beaten only about like 30 seconds and then they just grabbed my wallet and my bag but that sucks to them because I didn't have any money in my wallet and my credit cards were maxed out.

So I didn't have to cancel anything. The debt collectors go to them from now on. I feel bad for those guys. That would be the greatest. If someone stole your credit card, if they inherited your debt. Yeah. And if you had your student loan papers in your

wallet too they have to pay back that's why i always carry them around i kind of like that as a general rule is yeah if you if you're a mugger and you steal something if it's money good for you you got away with some money but if it's debt yeah you have to pay off oh no there's a bounty on this guy's head and if you steal their phone you have you have to now all the debt. Oh no, there's a bounty on this guy's head. And if you steal their phone, you have to now be friends with all the people in their contact list. Yeah, you must answer all their texts. In a friendly way.

Update my Facebook profile. But the only thing they stole other than my wallet was my bag. And they left my bag and my wallet just empty. I'm like, oh, I got my ID back and stuff. But the only thing they took from my bag was a baby's shoe that I had in my bag. Why? I had a baby's shoe in my bag because I... Part of a gang initiation. I don't know why they took it.

Was the foot still attached? I don't know why they took it, but the reason... I found it on the street, and I was like... When I first saw it, I'm'm like i don't need a baby when i find the baby that fits this shoe it will be my baby it's a cinderella baby situation no uh i was honestly i was thinking of the movie because i saw this baby shoe and uh i needed to go see a movie that day but again i had no money and i remember the scene from from uh look who's talking where he has the baby and he takes the baby's shoe off and he goes, oh, I need to go back inside.

My baby left his shoe inside the theater. So I'm like, I'll just do the other way around. I'll take this baby's shoe. I left my baby inside the theater. Yeah, not necessarily that. Just if I have a shoe, I'll be like, oh, I need to go get my baby's other shoe. My baby's in the car with my girlfriend. I'll be right back.

And it worked. I saw like three four movies so i had this baby show my backpack for like my bag for like a week and i just kept seeing movies like i saw you were living a real hobo yeah absolutely absolutely i but i'm i'm do you believe in karma do you believe that maybe you got beaten up because you kept... Well, that's what I'm thinking because here's what's crazy. I found that shoe and then, like, a week later,

these guys beat me up and take the shoe and I realize as I'm, like, getting up and, like, getting my bag and stuff that they beat me up in the exact place

where I found the shoe. Oh, wow. So, like, from whence it came. How do you know it wasn't a roving gang looking for that baby's other shoe? I don't know thatving gang looking for that baby's other shoe?

I don't know that. I'm assuming that this baby probably dropped his shoe and couldn't communicate to his mom that he dropped the shoe. And then he went inside a house and he's watched the shoe. And then he sees me grab it and pick it up. So he gets all of his friends or thugs to beat me up and get his shoe back. It's so tough for a baby because they're not allowed to round plastic bags so you can't put a bread bag on their foot.

Anyway. That was a real Warriors come out and play story. Took a lot out of me. You lived the Michael Jackson video. I'm clanging two bottles. Doesn't sound as good. Because wasn't there a fight in a subway station in the bad video?

Yeah, and the Weird Al fat video. Which came first. I assume the Weird Al one. Dave, what's going on with you? Any muggings? No muggings. Today I saw a movie on opening day. I never do that.

Wait, let me guess. Fastball. The movie of Fast never do that wait let me guess Fastball the movie of Fastball the movie about the band Fastball yeah The Way it was Moneyball you're right you were close

it was Moneyball and I for some reason I knew I had this Friday off yeah and I was like oh so you're super excited about Moneyball I'm absolutely gonna

go see money ball a matinee on opening day so i did it was pretty good it's a good baseball what if it was rained out that would have been pretty great right yeah ironical um uh i like uh you know it's a good movie uh you know all those uh baseball players in the tight pants all the handsome men in their tight pants. Yeah, the syrup socks. So it's a story where Jonah Hill... It must have been shot a long time ago because Jonah Hill is very fat in it and he's not that fat anymore.

But didn't he just get the Wilson Phillips thing done? Didn't he just have his stomach pulled out? Oh, God! It held on for one more day. I don't know what he did, but he looks fantastic. Does he?

Does he not just look like a guy that... A skinny Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill, yeah. Not skinny. No, but he still has a Jonah Hill face. Yeah. Right? A million dollar Jonah Hill face.

Yeah. It really is. Yeah, Jonah Hill face. Yeah. It really is. Jonah Hill figure. Now, he's got a Jonah Hill figure. Pretty great. Is the movie about a game that doesn't exist? I was hoping it was. It was like Murderball or, well, no, that is about wheelchair sports.

No, what's the one with Cuba Gooding? No, not Cuba Gooding. Rollerball. Rollerball, yeah. LL Cool J. Yeah. Lose it. The movie's about moneyball, a futuristic sport that is played.

With cash. Yeah. It's played, like, the object of the sport is just a gamble. It's all, it's very Eastern European. Yeah. We call it poker very Eastern European. Yeah. We call it poker in our culture. We call it moneyball. There's no ball involved.

Really, it's just money. But, yeah, it was okay. I would recommend. Brad Pitt, Oscar-worthy performance? Nope. No? That's what somebody from the Denver Post said in their commercial. Oh, was it someone named Oscar?

Yeah, is his character named Oscar? This was worth my time. It wasn't Oscar worth... They just hired a movie reviewer who was named Oscar specifically so he can hand out those quotes. Worthy of me. That is pretty great. Yeah, it's good. It's no real steel, though.

Real steel. Hugh Jackman teaches a robot how to fight. Have you seen the previews for Real Steel? No. Okay, Real Steel. It's this movie that takes place in the not-too-distant future where robots... We've harnessed the power of robots,

but we're only using them. And they're like fearsome fighting machines. Yeah, they look like giant men. They're not like robots that make cars. Right. But we're not using them to defeat the Russians or go to war. Defeat the Russians? They have been defeated.

That's how robots would say it. We're using them to be in prize fights. Yeah. And Hugh Jackman is in charge of one of the robots. A dusty old robot. A dusty old robot from the not-too-distant past. Future past. Yeah.

Called Johnny Five. Yeah. Finally getting some more work. From what I could tell, they're like 20 feet tall. And Hugh Jackman is controlling this one robot. Like, the robot is mimicking what Hugh Jackman does. So Hugh Jackman is basically just punching air. So the robot's always having gay sex with other robots.

Singing and dancing. Proclaiming the musical is back. Yeah. Being Wolverine, sort of. Screaming at the sky. Hugh Jackman things. But it's unclear in the previews for this movie if any of the other robots are controlled by humans. Oh, yeah. And also, it seems like in the movie preview, which I assume is exactly what's going to happen in the movie, the robot that they train is like a decommissioned piece of shit robot, and he's fighting like the brand new style robot. And that seems to me like, that's a theme we've seen, Terminator 2, etc. But that's not how it is in the real robot world.

It's a sports movie, so I think it's supposed to be a Rocky as opposed to a Terminator 2. But isn't the whole thing in Terminator 2 that an older school robot beats a newer school robot? I think the point of Terminator 2 2 correct me if i'm wrong is that everybody melts yeah as long as john connor is safe everything's gonna be okay no wait here's another thing about uh about because like that would be like akin to saying that a disc man would beat an ipod in a fight. Which we both, we all know that an iPod would win. But they're not programmed to fight. Well, what if they were doing

a number of... They're programmed to love. Yeah, what about robots that just love each other? Well, that would be pointless. I'd watch that movie, though. Hugh Jackman would be there. He teaches the robot how to, you know, do things in the robot boudoir.

Do you know what the... Never mind. Any questions, Adam? You were talking about a baseball movie and then a robot movie. And all I could think of was that old... That video game? Yeah, the NES game where robots play baseball? Yeah.

What was the name of that game? I don't know, but I know what you're talking about. It's unbelievably good. Please don't email us with that information. How come that never got turned into a movie, but a movie where Matt LeBlanc plays on a baseball team with a monkey was made into a movie? Well, that needed to happen. Yeah. That's why.

Budget, Graham. That's true. That was a very cheap monkey. Would you watch... Monkeys are disposable. Would you watch a movie that was kind of like The Planet of the Apes, but about baseball, where it's an all-monkey team that lets one human play on the team? Oh, my God.

I would absolutely watch that. Oh, that's The Planet of the Apes with baseball. Baseball. Well, that's the plan of the apes with baseball. Baseball. Except they love the human because he's really good at their ape ball. They call it ape ball. They're like smurfs.

Everything's ape this and ape that. Or wait, what if it was a basketball team of all golden retrievers? And get one human to bathe. Yeah, but five. Yeah, that's where I assume this is all going retrievers. And get one human to be. Yeah, but five. Yeah, that's where I assume And the dog is like, the dog ref is like, there's nothing in the rule book. I love how that was the cartoon dog-ism.

Like, I just make all the words start with R's. That's how dogs will speak. That's Scooby-Doo and Astro. Yeah. Digby's in the dog house no no you don't remember digby's it was about it was like a y tv show about a uh a cop uh and a dog who he gets they get struck by lightning and then the cop ends up in the dog and then the guy just dies so he's stuck in this dog and the dog's just like, all it is is a dog fed peanut butter. So it's kind of chewing all the time.

And they make it look like he's talking. Wasn't there a movie with Peter Boyle? It was a pilot with Peter Boyle. Where it was the ghost of Peter Boyle ends up in a dog that was like a puppet dog. Have you ever seen that? No, that sounds amazing. It's called like Wade and McGruff or something ever seen that? No, that sounds amazing. That name. It's called like Wade and McGruff

or something like that. Scraps and Scrumbles. Did he say it for me to poop on a lot? Which one is the cop in Scraps and Scrumbles? You don't know Scraps and Scrumbles?

No, what's that? Maria Bello plays Scrumbles. Hat scraps. A prime suspect for dogs. Woo! Now, that was a good one. Woo So yeah I saw that movie And then I saw a preview for another movie Which? We talked about it

Also I've been I got a parking ticket today What? She's in such a bad mood about it And you know I came home from the movie I got the parking ticket at the movie and uh i hadn't eaten in so long and i was in such a bad mood and i was i was like oh i need

to like you know when you're really hungry and you're really cranky yeah fourth meal and you don't know what it what's causing it you don't know if it's because you're hungry or because this bad thing just happened. So I ate a pizza and I felt a lot better. But now I'm like, oh, now do I have this unhealthy attachment to food? It has this emotional thing. Things are going out of control. So I might be developing some kind of eating disorder. Yeah, you're eating your emotions. Yeah, I'm eating my feelings. You're eating your feelings, not. Yeah, you're eating your emotions. Yeah, I'm eating my feelings.

Yeah, your feelings, not your emotions. You're eating your rage. You should have done... Have you ever contemplated doing the thing that fellow comedian Jai Harris used to talk about in his act? You put a slice of pizza in an envelope, but don't mail it. Then you patent the pizza? No, that's when you mail it. You do mail it.

To yourself? Patent the pizza. This is an amazing recipe. No, it's like I... It's completely... You can see through the envelope. Should I write out the recipe and mail that to myself?

No, I'll just make the pizza and put that in a box. Mail that to myself. No, I mean I'm going to regret eating this pizza so I'll just put it in the mail or i'll put it in an envelope but i won't send it i'll just keep it here in my desk no the uh the parking ticket thing where he took the parking ticket off of his car and he just

looked for the most expensive car on the street yeah and put the parking ticket under their windshield wiper and then the guy just paid the ticket. Didn't even look to see if it was for his car. And that's more evil than using a baby shoe to get into a movie, guys. That thing that I didn't do? Yeah, why did you do that? Send the pizza to yourself. So my emotions seem all right now.

You seem fine. Yeah, you're very... Well, I'm good at hiding. You don't look like you just ate a whole pizza. I didn't eat the entire thing. Oh, okay. I slowed down. I ran about the halfway point.

You ate half of your emotions. I ate half of my emotions. Put the other half in the fridge for later. For breakfast. What's going on with you, Graham? What is going on with me? I did that at the Beard Painting Art Show last night.

You missed it. You weren't there. I was at another show. I know. You're a very busy man. Well, I was there and it was fantastic. It was fun. It was a great Paul Giamatti painting. Oh, really? Oh, that's awesome. Many faces of Paul Giamatti. Many looks

and faces and expressions. How many did you sell so far? I sold five of the 12 that were for sale. Hmm. That's more than half. Yeah, as far as I know. And it was great. It's a nice space, and past guest Aaron Salazar runs the place, and he's like a neighborhood favorite up there.

Everybody in the neighborhood seems to know him. And the Indian restaurant next door brought over, like, free thing of chai and, like, pakoras. And there was lots of food. Alicia Tobin made a bunch of food. And there was balloons that the convenience store next door brought over. It was a big affair. That sounds amazing. Yeah, it was fun.

I drank all of the beers. That caribou? No, no. I bought a slightly more upmarket, but only just slightly more upmarket. And then, so that happened, and it was great, and thanks to everybody who came out. It was fantastic. And I met a gentleman, a listener to the podcast, podcast i cannot remember his name right now but he bought one of them and uh he donated the proceeds to the same charity that jimmy parto uh regularly

the smile smile train and um so that was great and then um i was trying to think on the way over here i was like what else happened this week and one one thing that I wanted to ask you guys, if you think this is a thing or not, I noticed it on a billboard. It was a young model with, like, really pretty bushy eyebrows. Woman. Is that a thing now? Big eyebrows? Has that come about? The Kathy Ireland look.

But even bushier. Like straight up Sesame Street. Like Peter Gallagher? Just shy of a Peter Gallagher. Was it working for her? Did it look good? It stuck out, apparently. Yeah, yeah.

But I've noticed it in a couple different ads. and I just don't know... Eyebrow ads. Yeah. Yeah, eyebrow piercings and accessories. Non-waxing kits. Yeah, what else? Anti-threading campaigns.

It's just a box with nothing in it. What other products are there for your eyebrows? Combs. Teeny tiny com there for your eyebrows? Combs. Teeny tiny combs. Really big sunglasses. Some sort of laser hair removal. But this would be the opposite of that. Nobody gets their eyebrows removed though, right?

Not on purpose. Was she the before? No, no. It was like an H&M type of ad. Okay. Yeah, I think all kinds of body hair is coming back. Oh, really? Do you think a woman with a mustache will be a thing?

If it works, if she can grow one. What about... Like, not an artificial mustache. No, but, okay, what about a lady in an H&M commercial that has a mole with, like, two scraggly hairs growing out of it? I mean, if it works, it works. But how would that possibly work? Would the billboard be three-dimensional with actual hair coming out of it?

One would hope. Like yarn? Yarn and smoke coming out of the mall. I would be so tempted to just pull that off the poster as soon as I saw that poster. And add it to your collection at home. That would be great for a laser removal system if it was like yarn and smoke coming out of it so it's like an ad like come to johnny's laser face johnny's laser face oh it's horrifying and notary public i thought

that you were like when you said it was like a hair removal course like that you would be able to pull the hair off and like it would have like a floss kind of cutter so you just pull the hair off and then there was like a motor that would then regrow the hair for the next like uh so and you could pull the hair out of the poster and it would have like an ad on the hair no it would be floss it would be like a dual ad with your phone yeah um yeah or uh yeah it would regenerate like play-doh out of a hole yeah or it's just uh dental floss it's like a

double ad there's an ad for a laser place is that and then when you it's you know on the other side yeah yeah uh why don't they advertise on dental floss more? Stupid question. Because nobody does. No one will ever floss.

I know, you floss every day. We're very proud of you. I am very proud of myself. Do you floss every day? I do, actually. I changed my habits. I was horrible with my teeth, and now I'm great. Yeah, you only get one set, unless you're a shark.

Oh, you get two sets, actually. Oh, yeah, right. Kid teeth. So I got mine. That's how good I am with my teeth. My adult teeth haven't even grown in yet. I thought you just kept all your kid teeth. Nope, still in my mouth.

Okay. No way. Yeah. It's not a thing. Of course, look. Oh, yeah, you're right. Those are kid teeth. You're a little bit gullible But at first I thought you just kept all your kid teeth

Like in a box In case I ever need to get into a movie theater My kid's still in there This is all of his teeth That's horrific I left one of my kid's teeth in there He's in the car with my wife T as you'll see from the set of teeth

One of the teeth If you look at his dental records here Here are the receipts from the tooth fairy But that's the thing Now that I'm thinking of it It's not that hard to pull one over on a movie Theater employee They don't care You could just say I need one over on a movie theater employee like they don't

care yeah you could just say i need to get into a movie without paying and they'd be like no yeah uh i have a friend who just like instead of buying a ticket he just hands uh the person five five bucks instead of a ticket you hand him a five dollar bill and they go this isn't a ticket and he's like i know it's for you he's like oh thank you go It's for you. He's like, oh, thank you. Go right ahead, sir. Or the guy who's not paying attention just rips the five in half. Cinema three. Cinema five, I guess. Wilford Laurier, that way. In New York?

Come on, Adam. You never know. There might be a guy named Wilford Laurier. So that's it. Yeah, I saw that poster. And I was was wondering are eyebrows really are they really charging back into vogue you know whatever works for you i think it doesn't i don't know that it works for me but i don't know that it doesn't work for me not you the model

but what does that mean works for you does it like because every model wants to stand out in one way or another what if there was a model with just one eye? Would that be a thing? Is it like a cyclops? Yeah, yeah. It's right in the middle of her head. Yeah, that's a thing. Although, she's not really relatable.

Like, you can't... It's like how Taylor Swift, they can't use her to market aging cream because she's 17 years old. So it's like you can't use the Cyclops lady to They could market pro-aging cream with Taylor Swift. Sure. Sure.

Want to look older? Need to get into the bar? Don't have any big idea? I think pro-aging cream is like just makeup that you get at the Halloween It's just putting Elmer's glue on your face and then scrunching it. Did you ever do that?

Oh, yeah. I've done it on my hands for sure. I did it on my hand a lot. It's a great way to create instant wrinkles. Have you ever put it all over your entire face? Yeah. For Halloween or just for the yucks? No, well, both. Just for yucks.

I played that festival. I did a... One year for Halloween, I wanted to be an old man, so I put flour in my hair. And someone else later told me, you should put a baby powder. Because flour, it soaks up the moisture and sticks to your scalp, and you have dandruff for a month. Oh, really? Is that true?

It's not skin dandruff. It is actually flour, yeah. And your head smells like fresh bread. You have to use yeast as well. You get a lot more body. You get a lot more body. That's good. Baby powder.

Yeah. Halloween. Is anybody doing anything? Dave? No. Adam? I have no plans yet. It is...

Let's all Elmer glue our faces. And we'll go as old Taylor Swift. Okay. Deal. That's so far the best idea that's been had. We're all Old Taylor Swift. All three of us. Oh, there was

one other thing, but I can do it after Overheard. Some people wrote in their great stories of getting locked out of their house. Oh, let's do that after Overheard. I'm dying for a break. Oh, let's have a break then. Shall we do that after Overheard. Okay. I'm dying for a break. Oh, let's have a break then. Shall we move on to Overheard? Yeah.

Overheard. Overheards. When you're standing in a bank lineup, when you're waiting to buy bread to wear bags on your feet in the cold, cold weather, you might overhear people talking, saying hilarious things. When you're sliding into second and your pants are full of... Wait, that was the wrong... That's the... Peckin? Yeah, no.

Isn't peck peckton? Yeah. Pepsid. Overheards. Adam, we'd like to start with the guest. Okay. Of which you are one. Oh.

So, if you would like to lead the charge with Overheards, we would sure appreciate it. Surely. Yeah, this happened about a year ago. I was at a show in the Upper East Side of New York, and there was a table of these white-collar gentlemen who were just not paying attention to the show at all. There was a show going on. They were just happy drinking, and they just got off work, and they're like, yay. But for some reason, they were sitting with a homeless guy who got off work and they're like yay but for some reason they were sitting with a homeless guy who was just like at the table with them so they're all

loud and the homeless guy is just like trying to add to the conversation like in a really earnest way and uh so there's just i've had a pen time to the show so there's just like this quiet part of the show happens or like a comics and then like right in between like words. And the whole like crowd is just like really quiet and just like listening. And the blue collar guys or the white collar guys weren't saying anything, but like in the middle of like just this little bit of silence, this homeless guy just says out loud, he goes, how old is the Russian Empire anyways?

Because it's driving me fucking crazy. That's all. I'm like, I don't know what the context of it was. No. No, there's no way to know. The context is a bunch of rich dudes hired a homeless guy to hang out with. Or. They promised him soup.

He is the... They tried to kill Rasputin with all those different ways, but he managed to live. And he was asking those guys, like, how long has that empire been around? That was his...

He was trying to create an in for himself with the guys. Hey, if you think that empire's great, let me tell you a story. I want to know what was driving him crazy.

Was it the fact that... Was it just the Russian Empire itself? Oh, Syphilis was driving him crazy. Oh, yeah. Or is he, the fact that he didn't know how old it was, was driving him crazy. He was like, I hate this empire. I just don't know how old it is, and that's what's driving me crazy. Do you think that maybe he is a guy that they, like, he's a homeless dude, or at least, like, a rough-around-the-edges guy, but he's, like, an amazing stock picker.

Oh, it's possible. Right? Yeah. And he doesn't even know that he's picking the stocks, but, like, when he says, you know, how old is the Russian dynasty? They look in the papers, and they're like, Russian dynasty just came on the market. Oh, wow!

Well, you're blocking my line, man! I think we just... That's a great idea for a movie. It's just a homeless guy who saves America in the stock market. He's limitless. I think you should sell. What? That's crazy. Oh, my God. He was right.

Yeah. Now give me some change. And they're like, change, change. I don't know if that's something you yell in the stock market. Change. Change! God bless! God bless! What do homeless people say? Hey, you! Speaking of

Rasputin in Moneyball, Jonah Hill plays kind of a Rasputin character. He has sex with the Russian. He's advising the general manager manager and everyone else thinks it's crazy. But in the end he has a huge penis.

And they roll him up in a carpet and throw him in the rhyme? No, that's true. They stab him and shoot him and poison him and throw him in the water. Wait, did Rasputin have a big penis? He did, but he had that surgery where they staple it to shrink it down.

The way you were motioning it was like you were saying you had that surgery where they staple it to your stomach. Yeah, so you don't get embarrassing boners. You get the regular type. The staple stomach boners. That's what they used to mean when they said stomach staples.

Was a guy had a long penis stapled to his stomach. Why wouldn't they call it penis staples? Oh, because it was mixed company. It was a politer time. Dave, do you have an overheard? My overheard involves a prostitute.

I think she was a prostitute. i think she was a prostitute yeah she was a prostitute i was i was taking the bus uh in the morning uh and there was a prostitute on my bus uh and uh she was she might have just been dressed slutty yeah at eight in the morning oh yeah to be fair it was nine oh there you go see the witching hour uh but the bus i go i i take to work it's also the bus that goes to the downtown east side which is uh where where the the drugs come from what's the drugs go to uh the drugs basically live there yeah you're right they come and go as they please she was wearing these uh these very short skirt and fishnet stockings, but like a very wide fishnet.

These were not going to catch anything. Oh, yeah. They were for your mackerels. Yeah, sure. Swordfish. Yeah. Copies of swordfish. And she... The bus wasn't that full, but it was full enough that people needed

to sit near her. But you could tell that people were giving her a wide berth. That's also the berth she gave. She insisted on a wide berth. No? Nothing? You guys. You guys are the worst. I don't understand what you mean.

I don't know. I don't know either. I'm trying to figure this out. I don't know. Guys, I just heard wide berth, and I thought I'd try to make it into something. Wide berth is... But if she wasn't a baby haver. Is that what you meant?

Baby haver? Yeah. Whoa. I guess that's what I meant. But also, but like... Breeder. The birth... The other birth is with an E.

Yeah. A wide berth is like with an E. Maybe I should have just said maybe her name was Wide Bertha. Wide Bertha. That would have been better. We could probably go back. Punch it up. Wide Bertha was there on the bus. People were giving her

a wide berth. Which is a sex term. How much for a wide berth? There's a lot more we could have done with wide berths. We're getting a lot of mileage out of it, regardless. And she... What I did is I saw her sitting at the back of the bus and never looked at her again.

Because I knew... You don't want to stare at a hooker on the bus uh i might fall in love that's the first rule dave um and then but and then at one point she just started uh talking and you're like oh no one else is talking and maybe i'm being talked to oh no it's the hookers talking to herself okay so every everyone on the bus started looking at her and then quickly looked away from her when they realized what was going on. She had headphones on and she was listening to live radio. And they were giving away $10,000. And I guess the person who was trying to win $10,000 had lost.

had lost. The person who was trying to win $10,000 had lost. And so then the hooker started telling the girl next to her on the bus, Thursday morning, they're going to give away another $10,000. Try to win it. Die like crazy. That was all.

Wisdom of the streets. Maybe she was just channeling some commercial on the radio. Maybe that was quite good. She had some metal in her braces. She was just on the radio. Maybe that was going on. She had some metal in her braces like she was just hearing the radio and she was saying I like that actually. Like it was just like the radio was just coming out of her mouth.

Yeah. Coming out of her mouth. Wide berth. And you overheard. I was recently, I don't know if you guys know this, Nationwide, this happened a while ago in America, but in Canada, Blockbuster held on like grim death for another year, I think?

Six months, maybe? Sure. All of the Blockbusters in Canada are closing, and there's one on Main Street. They're having their, you know, 50% off everything sale. And so I went to go see, maybe there's some DVDs that I might like to have in my collection. And when I was in there, there was an old guy doing the old guy cell phone thing where he's yelling into the cell phone, but it's not, it was like the quietest. It was just me and him in the store. And he was yelling.

He was definitely talking to his wife. I don't know why, but it just definitely sounded like a husband talking to his wife. And he was asking her. He was asking, hey, I was just calling to ask you, do we have a copy of Final Destination 3D? And then a long pause. Well, can you go check? Oh my God. Well, why was that guy buying that?

Because you can't rent it anymore. It's true. There's a great visual that goes with it. There's an old guy and his wife sitting on a couch with glasses on, watching their flat screen. I don't't know is it coming out for you is it looking 3d for you yeah so uh my eyes uh guys if you live in canada blockbuster yeah we got a business but i guess i guess they so they're only selling now you can't go in and rent stuff you're like i promised to have this back before you guys shut your doors. Yeah.

No, yeah, they're selling stuff. I bought two films that I'm a fan of. Tell me about them. I bought The Wrestler, starring a young Todd Berry and a slightly less young Mickey Rourke. You bought it for the shirtless,

the topless scenes with Mickey Rourke. I thought it for the shirtless, the topless scenes with Mickey Rourke. I thought you said shirtless and then went topless. Well, I mean, if a woman is shirtless, then it's a crime. But if she's topless, then it's sexy. But it sounds like, because you said she's topless.

No service, right? Yeah. Fair enough. And what was the other movie? Pollock. The movie about the fish. That got away. The fish often used as imitation crab, if I'm not mistaken.

Ew, really? Yeah. In the wild, do they pretend to be like crabs? Is that why it's so easy for them to be imitation crab and food? All I know is i love that stuff you can buy like that imitation crab for two bucks the safe way just eat it straight out of the package that's all you get you get sushi you get a california roll roll uh usually that's uh uh imitation crab so what do they do? Do they dye it so it looks like crab? You don't need to dye it. You look great. Oh, get out of here.

Oh man, I'm off my game. We also have overheards sent in to us via electronic mail. Did you know about electronic mail? I've heard of it. You worked in a Macintosh store. Yeah, we sold typewriters

attached to TVs. And if you want to do the same, you can send them in to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com The first one comes from John C. Reilly from Oakland, California. John C. Reilly. Home of Moneyball.

This overheard came from a co-worker On the phone Quote I mean when you dance with an animated cat There's only so far you can go Right? That's true Did you guys see X Factor this week?

Adam didn't, I know he's living without television He's watching a Bread bag Guys, I have the internet Let's not go crazy living without television. He's watching a bread bag. Guys, I have the internet. Let's not go crazy here. Wait, you can only go so far dancing with an animated cat?

She means sexually. MC Scat Cat. The scat meant what he was into. Did Paula Abdul have a song called Rush Rush? Yeah, hurry, hurry, love, come to me. Yeah, and did the video have Keanu Ree Rush Rush yeah hurry hurry love come to me yeah and did the video have Keanu Reeves in it but was Keanu Reeves playing like James Dean basically in that video or am I making that up no he was playing uh Christian Slater was playing Jack Nicholson um uh Luke Perry was playing James Dean Keanu Reeves was playing

I don't know Was Keanu Reeves ever the modern day anybody? Yeah Neo He was our Neo Modern day Neo How far do you think you can go with an animated cat? All the way to the bank

If the animated cat is Garfield Am I right guys? How much money did that movie make? Probably a lot. Just six. Whatever. On the six. Did you see X Factor, Graham?

It's the new American Idol style show with half the cast of American Idol. No, you know what I did is I flipped past it and maybe it was my television and that wasn't working or something, but the applause sounded very edited. Like everything that everybody said got laughs or applause, and I was like, I think my TV's broken.

So I just turned it to something else. All right, that's good to know. I'll follow it. Instead of it being the only difference is that they do all the auditions in front of a crowd, right? Well, no, the difference is there are no age limits Oh, so like an old man can come out and sing about his favorite movie Final Destination 3D Yeah, and you don't have to be a solo performer

Oh, okay Or you don't have to sing You can also be like, they do jugglers, too. Do they really? No. Oh, man. Now you've got balloon animalists. Great. Balloon animal wranglers. Isn't that what the proper

term is? Oh, God, I don't know. Look it up. Balloon zoologists. I should know. You're right. You guys are the greatest. How is X FFactor different than American Idol? American Idol's got talent. Oh, it's closer to American Idol. Oh.

Okay. It's because they're just really brutal. They say really horrible things to them. Yeah, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are the judges. Oh, okay. Then it is the same. Yeah. Oh.

I love that they're being really creative with what's going on on TV. And they have a different black guy. Oh, yeah. DJ Jeff. Who is the black guy? Nicole Swearinger. She's Pussycat Dolls, right?

Al Swearingen. He's from Deadwood. He's a gunslinger from the old class. He says the C word to all the contestants uh then there's al from quantum leap he's got ziggy and he tells him yeah what and then what your score there's al from uh home improvement yeah ted bundy yeah convicted murderer. Giselle Bundchen. Ted Kennedy. The Ghost of Ted Kaczynski. Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber.

L.A. Reid is the other black guy. Who is that? He's a record executive. He's mentioned in that one pink song. What song? L.A. told me you'll be a pop star oh all you have to change to the city is everything you are tired of being compared well you damn britney spears she's so pretty that just ain't me so is that her saying that she's not pretty? Every day I fight a war against the mirror.

I think that's what she says. Then she punches the mirror. I think that's what happens. I know I was singing it all verbatim, but I think that's what happens. Don't let me get me. What does that mean? Don't let me get me.

She's against herself. I'm my own worst enemy. Shabba shuba shab shee shee. Shabba shuba shab shee? get me she's against herself oh my own worst enemy the way you're just saying that it sounded like a great uh intro song for a sitcom about a girl trying to make it man two and a half pinks um that's on the speed channel. Yeah, that sounds dirty. This next one comes from Sarah from Omaha, Nebraska. And she writes, As an accountant who worked her way through college, waiting tables, and tending bar, I spend seven Saturdays each year reliving my youth, slinging beer at a local Husker football fan hangout in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Corn Huskers. Sure. This past Saturday, I heard two separate exchanges, I will only read one, between two different sets of women in their early 20s that I thoroughly enjoyed. Girl one, the minute I met you, I knew you weren't as skanky as your sister.

Girl two, oh my god, you are so sweet. A hug then ensued. Sha-na-na-na. Oh my god, you are so sweet. A hug then ensued. Sha-na-na-na. The moment I met you. I've got skank-dar. You had me at slightly less skankiness. Is it

run in the family? I guess. Skankiness? Yeah, you can catch that. It skips a generation. My grandma was a skink. And this last one comes from Kate M. Kate M. She's from Australia. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, where?

What's the parallel on that? I think it's near Nebraska. Yep. South of Nebraska. Yeah. She's a dingo husker. My boyfriend and I went to go see Bridesmaids a while back. We were waiting for the theater to open, and there were a couple of young women next to us who were super dressed up.

They were talking about how they were going to go out and pick up afterwards with lots of details. There was a pause in the conversation and then, girl one, So, what's this movie about? Girl two, Um, it's like a modern day Bridget Jones's Diary. Only funny. Girl one, Ooh.

Modern day. Is it, were we ever so young? Bridget Jones's Diary was set, It was a Jane Austen book, right? Yeah. When did that come out? The aughts? Yeah, I would say Bridget Jones' Diary came out ten years ago. But did it take place in an old time?

No. No, no. Then, yeah. That was ridiculous. It's like the Spider-Man reboot. It's like... They have to do it. They have to reboot the franchise.

Otherwise, Bridget Jones will get absorbed into the Avengers. I just want them to reboot reboot. I want that show to be rebooted. Now, is that a Canada-only thing? Or is that something that people all around the world enjoy? I think they had it in the States as well. But it was definitely made in Vancouver. Yeah, it was a computer animated series very early on.

Before Toy Story even. Yeah, it was essentially Tron, but for kids in the 90s. Are you saying that Tron was for adults? Yeah, I guess it was. It was basically a TV show about that robot who could put his arm back on. But who can't? That's a Canadian thing.

Yeah. So, yeah. I was trying to think Is it like Bridesmaids at all? Is Bridget Jones and Bridesmaids at all similar? No. One's about a British lady

who smokes and drinks and tries to get a man. And the other one's Bridget Jones. Now, in addition to overheards that have been written in, we also get calls. And if you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. That's 206-339- T.

Pink. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest Mike W. from, I guess, Ithaca, New York. I haven't overheard. I was at the grocery store the other day, and I was in the cookie aisle

hoping to have cookies, and I heard a lady behind me sort of whispering to herself, I think we already have snacks. And I, you know, it seemed very clear to me she was talking about sort of deciding amongst herself whether or not she needed cookies. And then about a half a second later, I hear her sort of storming down the aisles, yelling in another language. And I glance over to my left, and I see this man,

just as quickly as he possibly could, removing all the cookies from his cart and putting them back on the shelf. Oh, man. We know who wears the cookie pants in that relationship cookie pants we all have that pair i wish i wouldn't even cook mine i like them raw it's not a sex thing it's not a sex thing i just like the dough um my favorite i did not think it was my favorite part of My favorite part of that call was he said, I was in the cookie aisle hoping to have cookies. Or hoping to be in that aisle.

Lo and behold, it was there. It was all good. Hope springs eternal. Hope floats. Next call. Don't let me get me. Oh, this one. Do you remember on our Facebook group, someone posted a picture of someone was wearing, I think, flip-flops or something.

And you could see their toenails. And the person had the longest, most disgusting toenails ever. Yes. I thought it was just something they had found on the internet. But this caller is calling about that actual person. Gross. Hey, Graham and Dave, this is Brian calling from South Florida. I had put a

photograph on a Facebook group two weeks ago of a pair of horrible feet with horrible, disgusting nails protruding several inches from the toe. Very hard to look at, so I had to share it on the page.

Tonight was back-to-school night. I was covering for another teacher who had to be absent, and one of the parents who showed up to that classroom was this individual with the nails. She was very nice. And as I was speaking to her, I noticed the gold chain around her neck and attached to the chain with holes through them were four toenails, each one at least six inches long, like trophies that Dolph Lundgren has an universal soldier of years around his neck.

I feel like I'm going to be followed by this woman the rest of my life and she will show up periodically to remind me how frightening her feet and now her necklace are. Thank you. Whoa. So they like, oh, wow. So there.'re yeah so she's proud of it yeah no you have to be yeah she knows it's an issue and she's made a necklace that's weird like that's her thing it's like yeah i grew my toenails real long what do you do so her toenails are no longer long they're're now a necklace or these are in addition?

I think those are in addition. Do you know what would be the weirdest is if during the interview, you know that sound that you make when you're drumming your fingers on a desk? If she was doing that with her foot on the floor. I'd quit my job right there. Oh, my God. And I'd light the school on fire. Imagine those with a pair of bread bags around them.

Not likely, right? Get shredded up in seconds. Yeah. What would you have to do if you had long toenails like that? Tell yourself. No, you'd go to a subway place and get the foot-long sub bag. Guys, you've got to improvise, right? Big city.

Or just cut your toenails. But there's Guinness World Records of people who get their fingernails to curl. And they curl back. Yeah, they do weird curly stuff. Yeah. Ah, it's unbelievable. Well, it's your body's way of telling you not to do that. When it curls back under, it's like, yeah, we're too long now.

It's like when a rabbit's tooth grows through its face. You're like, oh, that's what they have to chew on. I didn't know that was... Oh, yeah, that's what they chew on salt. So get your rodents to chew on salt. All rodents' teeth don't stop growing their entire lives. Wow. That's why beeves need to chew some wood.

Beeves? Yeah. Justin Bieber. Oh, the beeve. Beeves. Yeah, why would anyone want a Guinness World Record? Because you're just going to impress an eight-year-old whose uncle gave him the Guinness Book of World Records for Christmas.

Meet the end. You know what's weird is that they haven't just put all the stuff on their website. Like, you can't just go to the website and type in, like, Beebeard and find out what the record is. No, you've got to buy the book. Yeah. Well, nobody's gonna. Yeah, uncles do. And they give them to their nephews.

I can't wait to have a nephew. I'm going to get him so many books. I love how that's a quintessentially uncle thing. It's like, here's something that'll grow such a dad. I like the sound of your uncle. Yeah, Uncle Dirtbag. Uncle Dirtbag. He took you to the horse track, no doubt.

I wear patches on my elbows. Yeah, tell you how to mix a Manhattan. And our final overheard don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy don't let me get me is filmed in front of a live studio audience pink slip

pink slip hey guys this is Tom in Austin just calling with a fresh overseen. I just drove by a new aquarium store, and outside there's a banner with two-foot-high letters that say, Fish Make Me Wet. Who says the economy's in trouble? Oh, that's great. Yeah.

If new aquarium stores are opening, then the economy's going to be open. Fish Make Me Wet or Fish Get Me Wet? Make Me. Get Me Wet would be a lot more dirty. I think he probably came up with the slogan and then was like, what do I got to do, make an aquarium store or something like that? First things first, slogan. Fish makes me wet and then it's crossed out.

I sleep with the fishes, which is crossed out. Not fish makes me wet because that implies that it's food. Oh, no. I thought that it was like fish make him horny and he's a woman. No, no. But fish make... And he's a woman. Yeah.

Fish make me, not fish makes me. Because fish makes me implies that it's food. Yeah. The food. You know what I mean? Oh, I see. Yeah. Like having fish at dinner would make me wet.

Yeah. Yeah, I got you. Okay, yeah. So it's an aquarium store, and he's saying that... That having fish in an aquarium... But doesn't that mean your aquariums are horrible if you're getting wet? Yeah, you've got to contain that water. We're being stomped on by our upstairs neighbors.

There may or may not be people above us right now stomping on us. But is there a chance that he was advertising to other fish? Why was it... Why are you getting wet if you're selling fish aquariums? Well, when a man and a woman... When a mommy and a daddy... Fish.

They breathe through their gills. They breathe water. Like animals. Like Kevin Costner. Like all animals. I haven't seen water world i've seen bits of it i know he pees he drinks his own pee yeah he steals dirt from the ocean floor um but uh he has gills he has does he develop gills are they a big spoiler at the end or no no he's always had gills and he has webbed feet feet. Okay. He's an aqua breed, and he does very well for himself because dirt is the big, you know,

like it's like money in the future. Is he a rare species? Yeah. Okay. And he goes, he swims to the ocean floor and collects dirt and then dries it in the sun and then sells dirt. But everybody in the movie is really dirty. Yeah.

Weird. And this is all a prequel to the movie The Postman. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Neil Testino. Where instead of gills, he has a hand that shoots newspapers and mail. Paperboy the movie.

Yeah. Papers and mail. Paper Boy the movie. If you want to call in overheards, please do so at 206-339-8328. And if you would like to advertise on the show, let's throw this in right here. What? Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. And it's fun.

Maybe you've got a crush on somebody? Yeah. Hey, I'm looking at you, you say. From XXL. I'm going to give you a wide berth, you'll say. Now, one more thing before we put a big cap on this and send it off to school for its first year. Wear your cap. Last week I told a story

about accidentally locking myself out of my house in nothing but a tattered pair of pants and a wife beater and having to wander around the streets like a hobo. A hobo. A hobo. Okay.

You sound like you have a cold. I do. I still have a cold from wandering around in that city. I asked some people if there was anybody else that had similar turns of fate with a door or something like that, and some people responded. I just have a quick question. Go ahead. When is a door not a door?

Oh. When it's a jar. I don't get it. Oh. I was going to say when it's a writing raven's desk. What was that one? I apologize. This first one comes actually from Abby, your current wife.

Her aunt. Your current wife. Her aunt. Your current wife. Not my future wife? Yeah. This is Aunt Sheila relaying a lockout experience. In 2005, after only a few weeks of moving to Sweden, I helped Magnus, her betrothed. Is that right? I don't know if her betrothed. Is that right? I don't know if that's a Swedish word.

I helped Magnus take the two dogs out of the car barefoot and waved them off for the weekend as they drove up to his parents' house for the night, about an hour away. I think I had a job interview, so I didn't go as well. I then returned to the front door and discovered that he had locked it uh it was on the it was a first floor apartment and the cat sat in the window mocking me from behind thick rose bushes i totally panicked and actually tried running after the car like some crazed farm dog i tried to get in the window but after about 10 minutes i was able to pull it together enough to remember his mobile number. That's cellular phone.

And borrow a neighbor's phone. That is pretty bad. Because it was like, that was a two-person effort. And there's no backup. If the person with the other key is just taking off for the night. Yeah. And she had no shoes. Well, and I don't know anyone's phone number anymore.

Yeah, that used to be how you knew if someone was like a close friend. Like, oh, I know your number by heart. Like, I still know my friend Ryan's number from when I was a kid. Does he still have that number? Yeah. Oh, okay.

I thought you were going to say like, that's not his number anymore. But I call it every now and then just to talk to somebody. Yeah, I think I know like four phone numbers. Is one of them 911? Five phone numbers. It was the 10th anniversary of 911.

Oh, is that right? How did that play out? You weren't in New York during either of those. No, I was in grade 12. It was the first year of grade 12. Oh, did they come on the intercom? The first year of grade 12? How many years? Oh, sorry, first week. I meant to say first week of grade 12. Oh, God, guys.

First year. Grade 12 was the college I went to. I'm still in it. Is there other locked out stories? Oh, there is do you have one i have an okay one i want to cap it off with yours if that okay you got it um this is another good one i enjoyed this this is uh this is from ken the cincinnati bumper um this is a sudden trouble story that happened

when i was trying to forge my mother's signature on a progress report in grade school. Oh, love it. The progress report in question was informing my parents that I was doing terribly in math class that quarter and had better improve or I would fail. I was supposed to have my mom or dad sign this report and return it to school by Friday. sign this report and return it to school by friday not wanting to put myself in hot water with the folks i thought i could just forge this one and then double my efforts in the class and pass with no one the wiser here's where the trouble starts my parents left for work before us kids so they left us to close the door which would then automatically lock and catch the bus none of us had keys to the door so as soon as my mom left that morning i took out a light box

they had given me to trace the sunday comics and do art type things with did you ever have one of those no one of those light box yeah it's just a light box and you you could trace it's just oh a light box it's just a light box it's just a box it's a box it's not too well it emits light um i have a paper with my mom's signature on it, which I lay on the light box, and then I line up the progress report and begin to forge my mom's name. Suddenly, one of my brothers yells, Bus! And I panic.

I'm not done with the forgery. I run out onto the porch, careful not to close the door all the way, because that would be the death of me. I see that my brother had just been playing a joke on me. The bus was nowhere to be seen. I grab the screen door and make to rush back into the house, but the suction of the screen door pulls the front door closed and locks it. So I go to school that day,

knowing there's a partially forged progress report on my bedroom floor, sitting on a glowing light box, beckoning my mother into the room. Fate must have been smiling on me that day because my parents were killed um but ed's that is like man oh man you were in the middle of trying to pull a sneak uh-huh and then all day long that's all you can think about oh my god like it's it was a pretty like kid that for a kid forging a signature pretty good it's well i mean we didn't see it i'm sure it was pretty pretty terrible he just ends up drawing

that's a smart way to do it for sure i mean yeah that's definitely a smart way to do it although you got to be pretty good because the thing about a signature is it's fluid yeah your hand never stops did you uh did you ever no ah i've tried to i've tried to forge uh yeah i've just tried to like see if i could redo a signature that already existed but yeah it's the same thing where if you stop and go it's like this is terrible the thing the trick is is to do it kids listening on their trick to faking forging your parents signature is just to keep doing it over and over again until you've perfected it so that you don't have to move slowly. You just do it quickly.

Yeah. And that's how Grant became his parents. The trick is repetition. I sometimes will just practice a signature of me and my future wife. Yeah. Pink. David Pink. Now you said

you have a locked-out story. Yeah. A few months ago in Brooklyn, the laundry room in my building was downstairs. And all my clothes were down there. And I was just in my underwear and a crappy T-shirt. The worst possible thing to be locked out with and of course you know i would go down to the laundry room and uh my keys are inside and i've got like uh a stir fry cooking oh no it's in there you gotta keep stirring it no and you're trying to afford somebody's

signature over top of the steam yeah you're trying to open someone's mail with the steam so i'm like i'm in the hallway just but like and I don't have a cell phone to call the super or anything to get him to help me out. So I just start knocking on my neighbor's doors in my underwear. I feel like, do you have a super? Can you call the super? It was like, you have the same super intended as I do. And this one guy's like, yeah, you can't get a hold of him. But he has a lock-picking kit for some reason.

Oh, wow. My neighbor had a lock-picking kit. And so he's like, oh, I'll help you get in. I'm like, ah, that's kind of weird that you have this, but awesome. And it worked. After like 10 minutes, he got me in. And as he's like, all right, well, there you go, buddy. I'm like, thank you so much.

I'm like, okay, go fix my burnt stir fry. And as he's leaving, I'm like well, there you go, buddy. I'm like, thank you so much. Go fix my burnt stir fry. And as he's leaving, I'm like, oh, hey, wait a minute. Why do you have a lockpicking kit? And he just goes, I'm getting ready for the apocalypse. That was his reasoning. Wow. I guess it's true, though, because you're going to need to get into places when the apocalypse hits. Well, unless you're hit early on.

I think you can probably smash a lot of... kick doors in and smash windows and stuff. I would like it as if he walked into your apartment and he said right away, just like I left it. Oh, stir fry. You're welcome. I started that.

Let's wrap up this guy Yeah Now Adam You're a very funny comedian You're traveling all over the North Americas If people want to find out where you're playing They want to learn more about Adam Pateman Where should they go online?

Oh they can go to AdamPateman.com And that's spelled Pate Man Pate Man Without the ex-ante goo Just regular E. I will be returning to New York in the spring. But between now and then, I will be mostly here on the West Coast. I heard it's the best coast.

The West Coast is the best coast. And, yeah. So, yeah, that's where most listings are. And I will also be at the Comedy Mix on the first weekend of October in Vancouver so if anyone's listening and wants to come yeah, you can come

who's that with? I actually don't know yet I think it's Adam Pateman and Friends all I know is I am doing the middle spot and yeah, it will be awesome. I should know that letters. Now,

Dave, anything that you are plugging at? I don't believe so this week. I think we're good. Just, yeah, sponsor our show. Maximumfun.org

slash Jumbotron. Absolutely. And if you happen to be a listener who lives in Kelowna, B.C., I will be there with CBC Radio's The Debaters on October 4th.

I think there might be tickets available, but maybe not. But tell me what's the awesome strip club to go to, and I'll meet you there after the show. God, that doesn't sound like you. No, it doesn't. I'm kidding around, guys. There's probably more than one in Kelowna, though, right?

They're like opinions. Every town's got them. Also, go to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recaps that Dave does each and every week. They're fantastic. Wait, aren't opinions like assholes?

Or farts or something? I don't know. They're fantastic. Wait, aren't opinions like assholes? Yeah. Or farts or something? I forget. And thanks, everybody, for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends. And come on back next week for another opinionless episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.