Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 194 - Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: December 5, 2011

Comedian Paul F. Tompkins returns to talk about mayors, Saxobeats, and on-stage injuries.  Then we play some failed overheards.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 194 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who was just overjoyed to see two old men fighting over the Grey Cup, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, they weren't fighting over it, they were fighting... They had passed troubles?

Yeah, two Canadian football heroes got into a cane fight. Yeah, at a luncheon during the Great Cup weekend. Yeah, they were auxiliary members of the football squadrons. Yeah, and they got in a fight, and it's been in the American press, and it's been just the greatest. It's been a great week for Canada. A guy swung a cane. Yeah, hit the guy right in the eye. And our guest today, one of our all-time favorite guests, a gentleman who is up here in Vancouver.

He's being part of a radio show called The Debaters. He's also doing his own show, The Rio Theater. And if you're listening to this now, you've missed it. It's come and gone. Chump. The radio show will be on the radio. That'll be coming up still. But very, very funny man

Mr. Paul F. Tompkins returns Guys hi! Hey thanks for coming back I'm glad to be back Does anyone pitch themselves As a guest more than I do? Yeah but not usually People who have made it onto the podcast Oh!

They had that coming! Those delusional weirdos yeah here's what happened here's what i go through is that if i know i'm gonna be in town i hope i didn't do it when you guys were in la no no that's me when i'm gonna be in town this is the second time that i've said hey i'm gonna be in mac hoover can i be a guest on the show and it's always after you guys agree that i think oh is that weird no it's never weird it's the greatest we love agree that I think, oh, is that weird? No, it's never weird. It's the greatest.

We love that you do it. Well, of course you're going to say that now. Because you gave us your exclusive podcast offer. You will not appear on any podcast. That is true. In the year that you appear on ours. Any Vancouver podcast. That's correct.

Let's get to know us, guys. Get to know us. You know what? Can I say this? Yeah, say it. I've yet to tire of that. Isn't that strange? After so long.

You've been doing... What episode is this? This is 194. That's 194 times. What? Crazy. That I've heard that song. No, that's not true. Because the very first one I couldn't listen to.

Oh, no, no. I listened to it long enough to hear that! But that was... I think I've told you guys that. It was too weird. It was very weird, because there was a lot of talk about what is a podcast. It was the past. It was the past! Nobody knew jack shit back then.

That's the funniest thing, because when I was thinking about it today, when Dave proposed the podcast at first, he was like, I got down on one knee. Yeah, he did it properly. I asked his father. That's right. But he said, there's only like three comedy podcasts out there. And that's roughly true.

There was hardly any. Yeah. Like there was no comedians doing podcasts. No. And now it's just, whoa, that couldn't be farther from the truth. Do you guys prefigure Never Not Funny? No, no, no, no. No.

They were one. They were one of them. The ones that we knew about were Never Not Funny, Jordan, Jesse Go. Yeah. And I don't know if there were. Oh, and the best show on WFMU. Yeah, but that was still, to this day, a radio show, first and foremost. But, like, the only other ones I listened to were all, like, lost that's still, to this day, a radio show, first and foremost. But the only other ones I listened to were all Lost fans talking about,

what do you think is going to happen next week on Lost? And they were fantastic. Those were like, this is the perfect... But you really enjoyed them because you were a fan of the show, so it was fun to listen to? Yeah. That's why I listen to the Breaking Bad podcast. I love that one.

Yes. But that's not fans. That's people who listen to the Breaking Bad podcast. I love that one. Yes. But that's not fans. That's people who are connected with the show. But only a fan would enjoy it, because it would be some dry listening if you didn't watch the show. You really turned that around on me. Huh? Congratulations. Thank you.

I enjoyed a couple of those Lost podcasts so much that I saved them. I saved most podcasts, or ones that i think i might enjoy later but i saved those lost ones for a long time because i was like maybe i will not only revisit the entire series of lost but also would like to hear people's theories as to what's going on again and then what happened like eventually you're like i'm not gonna ever listen to this stuff yeah and well my favorite one they one of the guys joined the navy in the middle uh of the podcast wow in the middle of the pot like somebody recruited him in the middle or he got he got the text that said you're he got drafted by one of the navies uh you know he joined them joined the navy and then so

they stopped after like season four of lost, how many people were part of this podcast? Two. One guy was like, I couldn't do it without my buddy. Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't they do it via naval Skype? I'm assuming they have a different. Like a different.

Sonar. Skype-nar. Why didn't they do it by Skype-nar? Self-contained underwater. I'm a Suey. self-contained underwater so what's going on Paul you're in town you're doing shows you're all over the place

I'm in town I'm doing shows I'm literally all over the place I am very happy to be back in Vancouver I'm really looking forward to this is the beginning of my journey I was just fresh off the plane this is the beginning of my journey. I was just, just fresh off the plane, checked in the hotel,

came over here, visited with grandpa, as I always do. We catch up. He's the same. I'm the same. It's great. I had an experience at the airport.

It is still bugging me. This was in Los Angeles on the way here. I did not know that this was a very busy travel day, that the Monday after Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving. And after our Grey Cup. Also, big influence. After what? Grey Cup?

Oh, Grey Cup. I thought that was a kind of breakup that is called a Grey Cup. Yeah. It's a great breakup. Or a guy that you broke up with is named Greg. Yeah. It's when you smile with your eyes. What?

You smile with your eyes? That's a Tyra Banks called smizing. Oh, smizing. She's terrific. So it's packed at the Alaska airline. It's packed there. So much of the overflow is at LAX. It is packed at the Alaska Air Terminal.

And there's not a seat. I've never experienced this before. Coming up here, it's always been like, you know, because there's a lot of little gates. There's a lot of, you know, commuter planes that are going. It was just like jam-packed. And so I was looking for a seat and I saw a seat near the Samsung recharging station.

And so I thought I'll sit there and I'll charge my phone. And so there's this... When in Rome. Look, I wanted to fit in. Check out the guy not charging anything. Who does he think he is? So I go and there's one seat in the midst of all these old folks that are sitting down.

Charging their pacemakers. They're charging their hearts. Their hearts are plugged in directly to the Samsung charging station. their hearts are plugged in directly to the Samsung charging station there's this one seat that's open and there's like some bit of it's almost like it looks like somebody just bought a computer

and they took the thing that is on like they just bought a laptop and they took the thing that is covering the keyboard and they just put that next to them and so I say is does this seat take it? And this woman looks at me, looks down at this bit of foam or whatever it is, and she goes, you can sit here, as if it's a crazy thing

that I'm asking to sit down at this packed airport. And so I sit down, and the other old people kind of look at me and then look away. And then there's a woman in a wheelchair sitting a couple seats away. And I know she's glaring at me and I look over at her and I'm like, I don't know what's going on. Then I realized like, well,

mine's some old person section. Like this is for people because it's so, it's the closest to the counter, you know, and closest to the gate like oh maybe that's i missed a sign or something i'm looking around there's no sign or anything and then i'm sitting then i'm sitting there i'm thinking about it i'm like okay this one old lady she's like giving me attitude about city town she had to move her foam thing and then

uh this old this other lady in a wheelchair it's like giving me a hard time there's other old people then there's there's like an old indian man like this guy is like out of a movie like ancient long beer and the turban and everything i'm like well am i supposed to get up and let him sit down i and i keep going back over it i didn't see a sign i didn't see a sign and eventually i get so freaked out that i i'm shamed that i get up and i move and i like i'm so far away from the samsung charging station now there's no hope of charging my phone but i go but i go like as i'm leaving and gathering my stuff together again i'm looking like everywhere i can for a sign like did i miss a sign how does this lady just know like she's and then i thought how is it that somehow there's just an understanding

yeah that no this is just the old people section this guy should know better i fly all the time all the time there's no understanding about that at all and it's not like these people all knew each other it was just like some weird sort of thing evolved right while I was there that was just like, yeah, okay, look, we got more than three old people here. I guess this is our section now. Yeah. Enough so that we're going to give this guy a hard time if he sits down with us, like doesn't get the hint. When I put this foam rectangle here, it means only old people can sit. It's like the kids who smoked in high school. When I put this foam rectangle here, it means only old people can sit. Yeah.

It's like the kids who smoked in high school. They would just stake out an area, and then if you weren't smoking, they'd be like, Hey, hit the road. That is weird. Yeah. But they just picked a spot arbitrarily, and they're like, now it's smoker territory. I never would have gone over there, though. Well, who would? No, yeah, it's gross.

If you're not smoking, yeah. And old people are gross, so point taken. Why did I sit there? They're disgusting. But they can really band together. That's, I think, what we've learned. They are the greatest generation. There's some fight left in them.

I like it, too, because it sounds like you had kind of an international flavor. There was the Indian guy was there. Actually, it was like a United Nations of the Elderly. Maybe that's why they were so mad. I was like Gaddafi or whatever. You're not part of the senior UN. No. The senior UN.

We don't have to talk about that. Yeah. When old people do their own mock UN. It's not just for kids anymore. It's like, yeah, they go to New York, they get to sit in the seat of the country they represent at the community center. Yeah, your desire to be in a pretend UN shouldn't end with childhood. No, exactly. It should go on and on.

But you should never want to be in the real UN. No. That's for idiots. I really feel like there is probably something not unlike that. Or in the future, when this generation gets uh to be seniors i feel there will be you know made up role-playing games and stuff yes because people as as as people you know future generations continue to age the uh desire to keep replicating everything from your childhood will continue so it'll just always be school all the time yeah people never ever leave school

what do you think who do you think is like uh or how old do you think is the world's oldest gamer oh well because like when would what would be the first game would be pong yeah but were there any like 40 year olds who picked up pong and were hooked and then have since... I bet. I bet. Are in their 70s maybe? Yeah, I bet you that there's people since the Wii came out. I bet you that there's lots of seniors that like playing the bowling and the tennis and such. Yeah, they did put that in old folks' homes.

I would hate to think of somebody in their 70s as playing like Duke Nukem or something. The latest Call of Duty. Why not? And you know what? I like those games, but... Are you a video game guy? I do like video games.

I haven't played them forever, but I do really enjoy it. Yeah. But I feel like I'd be embarrassed if I was doing that in my sunset years. When you... I'm already pushing it in my 40s. Do you ever play online?

Like with a headset and stuff? No. Okay. No. And I have no desire to. You're afraid of getting recognized? Wait a second, I know that voice. Yeah.

I'm sorry I called you that name. Bowtie Man. I assume that's your online name. That's right. Exactly. DapperDam79 Wow, yeah I don't ever get to play video games

I don't have a video game system But you like them I do like them Yes I do enjoy them But they don't leave The older you get The worse you feel playing them

Well, when you get into that That state where you can't stop playing it like you have to i'm gonna finish this level i can't do any i can't do anything else in life until i finish this level including fixing these couch cushions that i'm crutching that is i i was part of a group of guys that included maybe 20 people all together in a sort of rotation but i was one of the mainstays of this group there was like i would say 10 of us who played every weekend we play halo we would hook four xboxes to four tvs so there could be as many as 16 of us playing at one time.

There was one night. Jesus. Yeah. There was one night where there was like four guys waiting to play. We had, we had all slots filled and it was insane and it was so much fun, but we would routinely play until the sun came up until it was dawn. And it felt bad. It was so much it was so much fun until the the rosy fingers of dawn

would come creeping over the horizon yeah and you could see the light coming in the window like oh you would instantly it would come over you look at that like a hangover like it's like bang like if you were drinking then all of a sudden it's like now you're hungover that's what it was that's what it was like like oh i feel just fatigued we gotta get out of here all that pizza i ate oh oh man you can really eat a lot of pizza when there's a lot of people around playing video games yeah it's a crazy stimulus that you have to keep like you're trying to just like dampen down your adrenaline you know and yet keep your fingers clean enough. That was a big part of it. We had to break.

Like, okay, everybody, it's time to eat. We would eat, and then we would go back. And we quickly figured out the kinds of snacks that you could not have. Yeah, wings are out. Wings are out. Certain types of potato chips? Not good. Certain types of potato chips? Okay. Yeah, like a Pringles would have been,

I assume. You would think that. chips not good certain types of potato chips okay yeah like a pringles would have been i assume that's you would think that it's on the edge it leaves a little bit of a residue you would uh the host it's so gross it's made out of weird flakes of potato it's true well you're not gonna like this we eat pop chips oh because they were dry as a bone am i not gonna like that aren't they made from i like pop chips yeah they're. Aren't they made from whole potatoes? Some people are weird about them. Okay. I love them. The Pringles people.

It's probably that anti-viral advertising. They pay people to go talk shit about Popchips. I don't like them. You know what I like? Pringles. Twirling his enormous Pringles mustache. That person's not good at their job.

It's obvious what they're doing. But I have somebody. You're from Pringles. We get it. Message received. We got it, Mr. Pringle. I understand you're wearing arm guarders. Does he have a name

That character Is he Mr. Chips He might be Mr. Pringle He might be Mr. Chips That one sounds familiar for some reason Well goodbye Mr. Chips No that's a different movie Looking for Mr. Goodbar

What other food proper names are there Oh Henry Oh yeah What other food proper names are there? Oh, Henry? It's not Crackle. Oh, yeah. No. It's the chocolate bar with the twist at the end. Robert Crackle.

James T. Eatmore. You guys don't have Eatmore in the States. No, what is that? It's a weird... I don't know. Have we talked about it before on the podcast? It's got nuts in it. I've never had it, but it's like a toft molasses. Oh, because you're allergic.

What aren't you allergic to? Has that list ever been compiled? Affection. Oh, but some types of affection I steer away from. That's more of a personal question. Yeah, exactly. That's not an analogy. You could never kiss someone who eats a lot of peanuts.

No. Yeah. You'll never love a woman who owns a Thai food store. Yeah. That would be like a Romeo and Juliet for you. Oh, yeah. If I met and fell in love with a Thai woman who only ate Thai food because of her religion. Thai. And she was also a Muay Thai fighter

And I don't like that at all But I still like her for some reason I hate all the things that she likes Look, the heart wants what it wants And she might be the love of your life But it is verboten Yeah My antibodies

In Thai I don't take anything for granted In Thai bodies? antibodies. I don't take anything for granted. Yeah. Antibodies? Is that what you just said? No, I said verboten is tie. Oh, no. I like that you said antibodies. I've got

antibodies against that. What if her name was Antai? And she had a beautiful body. My antibodies won't let me near Antai's body That's the takeaway line Can I ask this question? Please

About your mayor of Vancouver You heard our live podcast In which our real life mayor Stopped in the middle of the podcast to make podcast history. Yeah. He's a very handsome man. Is he?

Is he? Yes. Yes. He's a juice magnate. Yeah. Really? He created a line of juice called Happy Planet. Have you ever heard of it?

Do they have that in the States? I've heard of juice and it was created by smashing some fruits up. Gallagher. So he didn't create it. Juice has been around. This guy's got you guys all fooled. Why? That was his campaign slogan.

I invented juice. Oh, I'm voting for that guy. I love juice. I just want to thank him with my vote. Somebody else went on the liver and onions ticket. Liver and onions. You know the comedy trope that liver is disgusting, right? Yeah.

Guess what? It is. Yeah. Have you tried it? Yes. I haven't tried it, no. It looks disgusting. You've never had liver?

Yeah. No, I know better. Oh, man. It has the common decency to look disgusting. You've never had liver? Yeah. No, I know better. Oh, man. It has the common decency to look disgusting. Yeah. It was a regular in our house growing up, and my dad loved it. Did you grow up in the Depression? Yes.

No, wait. Was I depressed growing up? Is that what you're asking? Are there any foods that look delicious but are gross? Yeah, what's that one that's the smelliest fruit? That looks pretty tasty. Durian? Yeah, the durian.

It looks tasty. Is this from Star Trek? It's from Thailand. That's from Star Trek. No, I went to Vietnam. Namaste. He was drafted. I joined the Dharma Initiative.

I went to Vietnam. And in the hotels They have two signs One says no Vietnamese women Like if you're white you cannot go to your room With a Vietnamese woman Oh I beg your pardon And no durian Which is the stinky fruit

Because it's just going to mess up the room It stinks so bad Like to high heaven apparently What does it stink like? I heard it's just going to mess up the room? It stinks so bad. Like, to high heaven, apparently. What does it stink like? I don't know. They did... What's the show? It's like a talk...

Where they bust nids? No. The Chew? Was it The Chew? Yes. And they opened up a jury at the end of the show, and they were passing it around for people to smell. And this one lady took a big whiff, and you could tell her nose was broken like she couldn't

smell anything. I thought you meant from smelling the thing. She took a big whiff you could tell her nose was broken. She was too proud to admit it. I love it! She smelled it. She got right in there and she was like, it's not bad at all.

And then the woman next to her did the same and nearly threw up. It was so great. It was one of the greatest moments of TV history. It was the worst hustle in the world. She got right into it. You could tell her nose was breaking.

It smells great. So you have a question about our mayor. I have a couple questions. Gregor Robertson questions Gregor Robertson Gregor Robertson How Here's my first question Did anyone know he was going to show up there

We did You guys did The Sunday Service did not Yes they did as well The audience did not But he was supposed to show up before the show And we were like Okay he'll do a thing and then

we'll start recording a podcast yes uh and then they were like he's gonna be another five minutes and we're like okay we'll push back the podcast 10 minutes and then they were like that's nice you give him a five minute buffer yeah yeah yeah we're gents and then uh and then they were like oh he's gonna be another 45 minutes wait It went from five minutes to 45 minutes. And yeah, and so he showed up halfway through. And even then, had to lock up his bike. Yeah, his commitment to biking in the city is so authentic that he actually does bike everywhere. And he has to lock that thing up like crazy because it would be so embarrassing if it got stolen.

When he's that guy. Yeah, the juicy mayor who says, hey, everybody, be like me and be rich, biking eccentric. And if somebody stole his bike, they'd be like, you're an idiot. And what a get for that bike thief. Exactly. Oh, on the black bike market?

I'm so excited to say it. But why wouldn't he have like... the back black bike market i'm so excited to say it but why wouldn't he have like the back black bike market why wouldn't he have a campaign manager lock up his bike for him because then campaign managers i didn't even go lower i didn't go to an intern yeah like oh second in command. Look, if you want me to get reelected, you'll lock up my bike for me. You know how Karl Rove used to lock up George W. Bush's bike. Yay. Now, do mayors in... Don't forget, I have another question.

But I was just like, would the mayor of Los Angeles, would he... Or is it she? Is it she? Something Villa Yeragosa Something Villa Yeragosa. Villa Yeragosa. Would he have bodyguards? Interesting story about that name. Go ahead.

He might have bodyguards. I think that that, I think if you are an elected official, like of that status. Of a city that huge. Maybe it's if you, if somebody is threatening, but you've got to figure people are threatening all the time. Yeah. Because there's plenty of crazy people and cowardly people. Sure.

Who like to instill fear in other people. Yeah. But I don't know if they get like a sort of secret servicing. I would imagine anytime they appear in public at a rally or something like that, there is some kind of security. But I don't think they necessarily have people following them around all the time. Because this guy's riding around on a bicycle. Well, who knows what they do up here. Right?

I mean, you guys. It's crazy. I know. You can walk around with a marijuana cigarette. And nobody says boo. But you can't have a bottle of beer on a Sunday past 10 o'clock or whatever. It's because everybody's too high. That's right.

I don't know how to open the bottle. Yeah, exactly. Follow-up question. Yes. How old is this mare? or whatever. It's because everybody's too high. I don't know how to open the bottle. Follow-up question. Yes. How old is this mayor? I would say mid-forties. Yeah. Wow. If that. He looks very young. Like, he looks like he comes across very young. He just sounded like some dude.

To the point where I was like, is this a sketch or is this really the mayor? A lot of people were asking us if that was really the mayor. Very casual about everything. Yes. Did not sound very mayoral. What he said was written by the Sunday service and approved by the mayor's office.

But it was his, well, that's insane. But it was the, it was when he was clearly talking as himself that seemed to me like, this guy's very, it's just like hanging out. Which on the one hand, great, I guess. But on the other hand, he did not seem like a mayor at all.

So what should a mayor be? Like, it's the dumbest job. Like, what are you in charge of? The city? But barely. I mean, the city is encompassed in, you know, people who are really in charge. Oh, so we should just let people help themselves

to the keys to the city? We shouldn't have any sort of official guardian of those? The thing that's crazy in Canada, like, between Toronto... I'm glad you narrowed it down to one thing. I'm kidding around! You crazy cadets. I love it up here. If you see the mayor of Toronto standing next to our mayor, it does look like a guy and his crazy uncle.

Well, their mayor is like, he's that guy. He looks like a guy. When you picture mayor of a city, that to me is the guy that I picture. Like a big guy. Like a cartoon of a mayor. Yeah, absolutely. If you picture Brian Dennehy as the mayor of a city. Well, if you picture a corrupt mayor of a city.

Yes. Like, he just looks... I don't even know if he is corrupt. I know he's not maybe the nicest guy in the world. No, I don't think he's corrupt, but he's certainly... We'll find out later. Red-faced. Yes.

He looks like a backroom dealing kind of... But you see those two guys next to each other. It could not be more of like... What would a Sunday newspaper cartoonist, how would he draw the mayors of Vancouver and Toronto, respectively? I would like them to run against each other for PM. Yes. See what happens. The bike versus the truck.

Because he's a big truck driving guy, right? He likes, he hates bikes. That was one of the things he got in on the election. He hates bikes. It's like we've been coddling bike riders for too long. He hates bikes. That was one of the things he got in on the election. He hates bikes. It's like we've been coddling bike riders for too long. He hates them. By not smashing them with our trucks. Well, what happened is Toronto incorporated all the suburbs into the city.

And so they all, they have a mega city, I think. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And so they all vote for the mayor. And so, of course, the people in the suburbs hate bikes as well. They can't take bikes to work. Why did that happen? I don't know. But then they all voted

for red-faced Brian Dennehy. Yeah, Brian Dennehy for mayor. Is it that they're trying to bring all of the very scattered population of Canada all together? They're just trying to gradually absorb everyone to one... Take one huge city?

Yeah, one gigantic city. And there's like all this space everywhere else yeah the metro canadia area yeah exactly going up to canada are you going where there's uh people or where there's no people you want to be alone for a while alone with your thoughts oh you're not allowed to go there it's everyone all people have to be in one area the rest is just unspoiled wilderness. Yeah, it's just deer. That's actually not so bad. That sounds really good.

But you don't get to go see it. Yeah. What about if there was like a lottery every year and some people got special passes? Or they got stoned to death. One or the other. Or both. After they go get to see nature, then we stone them to death. We.

I'm part of it too. Yeah, totally. I'll come up for that. You like trees? You like stones? Once a year and I will always come up. I, I'm part of it too. Yeah, totally. I'll come up for that. Do you like trees? Do you like stones? Once a year, and I will always come up, I'll be the mayor of it.

Yeah. You're the mayor of the stoning. I cut the ribbon on the stoning. With big novelty scissors. Yeah. And then I run out of the way because people can't wait. Then you play a hilarious game

of rock, paper, scissors, and then you go. Now, there's an interesting thing on the internets that I noticed. It's currently your Twitter profile pic. It's not an action figure, but it's like a figurine. Like a dolly. Figurine, indeed. Based on you and...

Yours. Well, based on a character. Yes. The characters that myself and Padgett Brewster play in the Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast. And this guy, Paul Pape. Very fun to say. He's making action figures of various podcasting people. And I will be, I think, the only person who will have two of

these are you kidding me he's also doing a pot of tomcast one of me and evan schletter that's amazing it's very exciting because it was like a really neat thing to see it yeah that's a level i feel like uh you know um what's her name carrie fisher has like a part about about having a Princess Leia toy. That's a crazy thing to have a toy of yourself. Like a toy made in your image. I think you can order your own bobbleheads now. Yes, you can. There have been services like that for a little while, but I don't know how many people actually do it because I think it is kind of expensive.

And also kind of, come on. Is that good? What does that say about you if you ordered your own bobblehead? Well, here's the thing is that you either do it for yourself or somebody does it for you. But if somebody does it for you, how are they going to get all the – Nooks and crannies? You have to get like – I'm imagining you're getting a Muffin I didn't know a polite way to say it

How are they going to take a full body cast of you Of your English Muffin I remember friends sending me A link to a website that did That thing that you could make an action figure of yourself But it was really pricey And they required so many different angles of your face You had to send pictures

There were so many different angles of your face How do you I would never do that for myself Make this thing of me so many different angles of your face. You had to send pictures. There were so many different angles of your face. Like, how do you... I would never do that for myself. Like, yeah, make this thing of me. Yeah. But somebody else doing it... How do you surprise someone?

Yes, exactly. Like, can I just take a picture of the back? Hey, look over there! What was that flash? Oh, it's raining, I think. I'm doing a Matrix effect thing. I have to take pictures all around your head. Yeah.

Hey, just in case you ever get drowned in a river, I should take a bunch of detailed pictures of your face so they can trace, like, yeah, of course you'll be all bloated and stuff when they fish you out. But these pictures will really help. I imagine your teeth will have been taken out, so your dental records will do no good.

These people are professionals. Yeah. You made some powerful enemies with this river. But I feel like that's a pretty, that's an amazing kind of milestone for somebody to have, that a figure has been rendered of them. I was very flattered, yes. Yeah. I was very excited when I saw it. It was really neat.

Because there is that fingers crossed moment of like, I hope this is not going to be something that will make me feel bad about the way I look. And then everyone will agree it looks exactly like you. So, yes, I was relieved. If there is a second one, will you make them kiss or will you make them fight? Can I just pause and say that I can see the shadow of grandpa under the door and it's like a horror movie. He's waiting. He knows we're in here uh yeah abby sometimes takes pictures of him he just waits outside he loves me uh the answer is yes of course i will make them i'm tired of that that uh question i was gonna say joke you admit it was a joke

this podcast is the worst Lost podcast of all time We barely talked about Lost That was what was so great about them They knew all the names of the extras Why don't you do a podcast about that Lost podcast? Yeah So catch up with the guy who joined the Navy And then halfway through that

I give up Halfway through the run of that Yes, you give up. Halfway through the run of that, yes, you give up. You join the army. Yeah. One of me joins the National Guard. Oh, sorry.

It was called Make Your Own Kind of Music with Scott and Steve. And their names weren't Scott and Steve. That was an inside lost joke. Guys. Oh, my God. What is Make Your Own Kind of Music? Is that a lost joke? It's a lost reference that I get, actually.

When we meet Desmond. He's listening to Mama Cass. He's down there in the hatch. Right? Yeah. I've only seen one episode of Lost, so I would have been. Which one? The last one.

Didn't make any sense to me. It wasn't as much a disappointment to me as it was to others. I feel like I did that too. I saw the last episode of some big pop culture phenomenon show. I was like, I don't know. This is dumb. This is why everyone loves the show. Now, do you have Lost on DVD?

No. I think when we first discovered Lost, it was in the middle of the second season. Okay. And Abby's parents lived in... Mr. and Mrs. Abby. Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. They lived in Westminster, Abby. Lived in Vietnam, so we waited for Christmas for Abby to bring back the really cheap...

They lived in Vietnam? Yeah. Well, I don't get what's going on here. Her dad works for a cement, an international cement company. Sounds made up, doesn't it? That's the phoniest thing I've ever heard. And they need cement all around the world. He kills people.

Yeah. He kills people. Yeah, in cement. Yeah, it's like the Jason Statham movie, The Cement Maker. I kill people and encase them in cement. He's run out of one-word job titles. The Cementer? The Cementist. The reason I ask is that I have some television programs on DVD, and I'm sort of getting the point where I'm realizing

I'm never going to watch that stuff again. Yeah, it's true. Oh, we have the entire Sopranos. Yes, that's the one most recently that somebody said, you know what, I've never seen an episode of the Sopranos. And I said, oh, I'll give you all of it. You may have it forever and don't ever give it back

to me because I don't need it and I will be dead soon. Oh, sorry. Are you the kind of person who would, like, you wouldn't just go back and watch your favorite episodes? You'd have to be a completist and watch the entire thing again? Well, I can't remember what my favorite episode was. Yeah, same. You know what my fear is?

I don't think Sopranos will hold up well. It holds up pretty well. I watch it on Annie, so they always replay it and it's still... The episode that I watched like two days ago was still good. The Christmas episode all held up. Oh, yeah. Alright. That's good to know. Yeah, like... Even though I will never

watch it again. I'm glad to hear that. Here's a thing that happened to me recently, re-The Sopranos. I was chatting with somebody like a bunch of writers like people who write television as a living and larry gilbart yeah larry gilbert was there um joss whedon the guy who wrote alan mcbeal i can't remember i can't remember any names now i hope that's what you call it when you see them at your writers' retreats.

But I was saying, like, I don't know how it came up, but we were talking about the ending of The Sopranos. And this guy was like, hey, guys, I haven't seen it. And so we're like, we're not allowed to discuss this because you didn't get off your hump for six years. Like, it's been off the air for six years. This year this happened? This happened last week. And the guy was serious. Yeah. He was was like he didn't want the ending spoiled and i was like but what was the what's your hold up it's what i'd say to that guy here's here's two things you do go fuck yourself then go hang yourself the sheer gall it was crazy because it's not like if I said, you know, like I asked Dave before the podcast,

oh, did you see Walking Dead the other night? No, I didn't see it. That's acceptable. Last night. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you how strong the urge was to ruin it right now? Have you not seen it?

Still not seen it? I still have not seen it. Thank God my better nature prevailed. But I always blurted out like this gigantic thing. Oh, but it's something that you thought was funny about it? Because there were some things in there that I thought were. No. Well, let me say this.

How much tiptoeing around it? I want to see actually how much tiptoeing around it you guys can do without this. Are you bothered by if somebody alludes to a big thing happening on a TV show? Or even if a movie trailer will say, and one of the most unbelievable twist endings. Right. Oh, okay. I'll wait for that. That's all you think about.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or even if it says M. Night Shyamalan's blank. Boy, oh boy. I still like The Sixth Sense, though. I feel like people retroactively dismiss that movie. When I first saw it,th Sense, though. I feel like people retroactively just missed that movie. When I first saw it, I really enjoyed it.

When I first saw it, I knew how it ended, so it was a real surprise. Oh, yeah, me too. Somebody told you, or you figured it out? Somebody told me. Somebody told you? Somebody told me because I was going. My mother saw the movie. Mrs. Shumka.

Didn't realize the ending was supposed to be a twist ending. Thought, oh, you were supposed to know that the whole time? So she sort of felt like... She was doing me a favor. Like when it was revealed, she was like, oh, we were supposed to know that. Yeah. So I haven't been paying attention again. I'm going to see the sixth sense.

Oh, just so you know, someone was dead the whole time. Oh, someone? Who? Someone! Now, to be fair, to be fair, to be fair, he wasn't dead the whole time.

He was dead after he got shot in the first scene. That's right, that's right. There was a good three minutes he wasn't dead. Did I, I told you this, I think I've told this story on the podcast,

my dad and watching The Usual Suspects. Probably. Where we told him, like, he rented it. And then we were like, you've seen this. We've watched it together. And he goes, nah, no, I've never seen this. And he watched the whole movie.

And then, like, five minutes before the end, he goes, oh, yeah, that guy's the guy. He goes, yeah, it's that guy's the guy. Oh, Papa Clark. That is classic. That is classic. That is classic. But yeah, like this guy didn't want me to ruin the ending of the... So what are you going to say? Tiptoe around the Walking Dead thing so Dave doesn't figure it out?

I don't know that you need to do it anymore. No, I'm curious to see how... I want to see his tiptoe skills. I like that show. People are hating on it, but I like it. It slowed down a lot. There was a lot of talking this season. They can't be zombies all the time, Graham.

I want to see it from the zombie's point of view. Oh, that's something else, right? That would be the show. Absolutely. Right? Oh, so hungry, they would be saying to each other. Oh, so hungry. Here's a question, and this is...

The fact that you're not even tiptoeing around it, but I feel like I can't contribute to this, because at that you're not even tiptoeing around it But I feel like I can't contribute to this Because at any point you might start tiptoeing Oh we're not tiptoeing around anything Oh okay Have you not seen the show at all or just this recent episode? Yeah I've seen everything except this recent episode But I was waiting for you to tiptoe around

And you're like me so hungry Oh did you There's a racist zombie that shows up And does a racist impression He has the power of speech There's a racist zombie that shows up and does racist impressions. He has the power of speech. Everyone's more offended by that than the fact that he wants to eat them. Here's a question, though.

Somebody brought up with me... We were talking about The Walking Dead and we were just trying to figure out the zombie logic of not just that show, but in general, they're always hungry right uh but i gotta have their pops but they don't like if they don't eat they still live right yeah what like isn't the idea well they do i think the idea is that they not to cut you off but i want to talk

yeah i think the idea is that they just uh until they just, seriously, just like crumble to dust, they will keep trying to eat stuff. But do they? So the theory is that eventually they will crumble to dust if they don't eat. But it's taking them a long time. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And there was another, there was on the season, which was an episode you saw if you are watching the season, they found, they came across a zombie who had hanged himself. But I was like, did he hang himself as a zombie?

He went, someone told him to go fuck himself. Yeah. And then go hang himself. Yeah. It's about the Spanos. No, he had a suicide note pinned. Yeah. He got bit and then he hanged himself, but then he came back as a zombie while he was

hanging there in the room. Oh, he got bit and then he hanged himself, but then he came back as a zombie while he was hanging there in the room. Oh, he got bit, and then he hanged himself. I did not catch that. I thought that he had hanged himself, and then somebody came along and bit him, and then that turned him into a zombie somehow. But yours makes sense. It does, right? Yeah. Fuck, I should be watching the show.

We should Skype when the show comes on. Obviously, I was lost. Guys, let's talk about lost. Let's Skype about it. Dave, let's talk about lost. Let's talk about it. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, here's a thing. It didn't happen to me, but my dad just flew in yesterday from... How are his arms?

Exhausted. Shumka Pear. Is that my dad's name? Yeah. He flew in from Australia and he landed... What? He goes to Australia.

They need cement there now? No, he's not. My dad doesn't do cement. Who does the cement again? My dad's in the boomerang industry. My dad does cement. The cement boomerang industry? Yeah, but the best thing about that is...

Very unpopular. He'll always come back. He flew in, he landed yesterday in Vancouver, and the pilot, as they were approaching Vancouver, the pilot said, Hey, everybody. This is your pilot.

Just so everyone knows, this is my last flight. I'm retiring. After 38 years as a pilot, this is my last flight. And just so everyone knows when the plane lands just in case this happens sometimes it happens there might be a couple of fire engines on the ground spraying down the plane after i land that's just something they do after a pirate when a pilot or a pirate retire whoever's Whoever's flying the plane. Or if a plane's on fire.

That's the other occasion when the plane is on fire. But he didn't explain it further. It's just the tradition. Wow! Did they do it? Yes, and they did it. Wow. They foamed the plane? Well, water. Oh, I thought they used foam.

Those fire hydrants that are sticking out of the ground? They foamed the runway. Well, when you started, when you were explaining what the guy was saying, I thought foamed the runway, too. Foamed the runway, yeah. But no, you're like, after the planes landed, they come out and squirt water on you. This is a thing we've never heard of. Yeah. They mix it with Gatorade.

Gatorade, champagne, everything's in there. It's a real celebratory beverage. Now, did your father believe this? Because I don't believe it for a second. I think something was wrong. Oh. That's a pretty clever cover. Because why would the tradition be this thing you had to explain to everybody?

Hey, listen, plane's on fire. We're not going to die. Everything's going to be fine. Why would that be? Let's do a weird thing that's going to freak out a bunch of people. I feel like pilots are like a morbid sort of crew. I don't give a fuck.

I'd pay good money for a seat on this plane all the way from Australia and now I land to what? Hell on Earth. Is that what it was? That's what I guess I would characterize that as hell on Earth. If you landed and they squirted your plane with some water. Like going through a car wash?

Well, if you were landing and you saw out the window, like, holy shit, there's a bunch of fire engines. Yeah, I worry about the other planes that didn't get the warning. They're like, stay away from the plane on fire. No, do they have to do that? The pilot of the other plane is like, ugh. Okay, everybody, look. This jerk, he's getting out of the game. Try those fire engines down there.

I'm still doing this. I got 37 more years to go. I landed everybody on the Hudson. A miracle. doing this i got 37 more years to go i landed everybody on the hudson miracle i feel like i'm now the uh uh air travel consultant for msnbc or whatever well yeah when it's thanksgiving like a lot of people are unhappy out there huh so he's like yeah yeah it gets uh gets crowded thanks for that insight um i feel like he was tempting fate by saying this is going to be my last flight. Wouldn't you decide that after you landed successfully?

And you're like, this is it. That felt good. Like, isn't it like, oh, I'm going to retire, you know, spend some time with my lovely wife and grandchildren. You know, I think you're when you're like a pilot, they need two weeks notice. Well, he could tell other people. He doesn't have to tell. Yeah, the people on board. Well, but he could keep it on the QT enough that he doesn't summon fire hydrants.

Yeah, exactly. Or the final destination coast. They're blabbermouths. Loose lips do not sink planes. Look, I don't pretend to know everything about the aviation industry, but I do act like I know everything about the aviation industry, which is a form of pretending. Yeah, you're bluffing.

You watch a lot of MSNBC. Just for the travel updates. Oh, man. Were you going anywhere with that? And lock up, of course. I don't pretend to, but... No, no, no.

I got there. Here's another thing that's been going on with me. I have this song stuck in my head. Yeah. And I've been listening... And one in your heart. I've been listening to pop music on the radio, and I've noticed that they only...

Well, of course course they only play the same 10 songs over and over it's the worst but uh one song that they play i've never heard of the artist before and i guess i've just heard it enough to know that it's just stuck in my head to know that it is a song that keeps coming back and it is a song called mr saxo beat coming back and it is a song called mr saxo beat and it is a uh you haven't looked this up uh i have oh you have okay do you know anything about mr saxo beat i don't is this this sounds like a song that was it's the first ringtone to make it onto the pop charts like a thing just designed crazy crazy frog of course my, of course! My apologies to Crazy Frog. Yeah.

A true pioneer. And his family. Our thoughts and prayers are with all the Crazy Frogs across America. Mr. Saxo Beat is a Euro... Pause your podcast right now. Go listen to Mr. Saxo Beat. Sure. Or just play it underneath this part of the show so people get the flavor.

Oh, yeah. A little soundtrack. It's a Euro trash dance song. Paul and I are doing... Euro trash dance. Like Raggedy Ann and Andy sort of dance to get Euro trash. And there's this saxophone line that's not at all by a saxophone. It's a keyboard with a bad saxophone sound.

And the song goes... You listen up, if it's a listen up make me move like a freak mr saxo beat and that's the entire song it's got 20 words the frustrating thing is i only know five of them and one of them is saxo beat and i went i was like what is this song? How have I, you know, this must just be some new song that is never going to go anywhere. I look it up. It's got 100 million views on YouTube. Sure. The singer is a very pretty lady.

Is she Japanese? She's Romanian. Okay. Congratulations. I recommend you go check out Mr. Saxo Beat at your leisure. Yeah, or at your local record store. Now, would you say seek it out on YouTube rather than on iTunes? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to own this. But, I mean, I don't want to hear the sample on iTunes. I do want to see the pretty Romanian lady singing this. Yeah. Her name is not important. Saxo Beat. Look, is any woman's name important? Right, fellas?

Well, I mean, like... Is that not this kind of podcast? It's not like she has some name like... Harder podcasts like that? Oh, my God. That's most of them, I think. Or a bunch of creeps sit around being creeps. I think that's 99% of them.

Oh, man. We aren't the 99%. But it's the worst song. I don't like Katy Perry, but I like Katy Perry. I mean, that's a fun song, but this is just that one Katy Perry song. Where she talked about all the things that she did? That Friday night song? I don't know? I said...

I don't know what I said. But Katy Perry famously has the most hit songs at the moment, doesn't she? Her album has as many hit songs on it than Michael Jackson's. She's got hooks. Sure. For sure. I don't mind a pop song, but this is just awful, and yet I can't stop singing it. Can you enjoy bad music the same way you can enjoy bad movies?

Yeah. I mean, yeah. People have guilty pleasure songs that are like, they're super dumb, but they listen to them. But a guilty pleasure is a different thing than what Dave is talking about, I think, which is, can you get entertainment value out of something that is bad uh the way you see a bad movie and it's like it's funny how inept or how right overblown or stupid it is but a bad song tends to be just irritating but there's a song called oh i don't remember the name of it it's by dan fogelberg and it's it's some it's loosely christmas themed

like i think the song it's like an old story song from the 70s or early 80s um that begins met my old lover at a grocery store he like runs into his old girlfriend at a supermarket she's buying shoes for her dying mother no no it is not i know no. It is not like a maudlin song in that way. It's very 70s, early 80s kind of vibe to it where it's like he runs into his ex and he's like, Oh, does she see me? She doesn't see me. And she's over in the frozen foods and I'm around the corner or whatever. And then they strike up a conversation like, whatever happened to us us and then they sit in the parking lot and drink beer in the car

yeah that's not good this is a song that i had grown up hearing on the radio when i was a kid and then my wife and i were somewhere and it came on i it was it was christmas time last year we were driving around south carolina and it came on the radio and because we were parked somewhere i listened to the lyrics for the first time ever like this song is weird i i wish i could remember the name of it it's got something to do with christmas but it's sung in this like the wimpiest way and it's just like this loser dude who convinces his ex-girlfriend to sit in a car supermarket parking lot and drink beer he's like get out i'm gonna drive home there was one uh it was a different time it was a concept album then it crashes into a tree there's a song about that yeah yeah one year at christmas uh my brother and my sister got each other the Bryan Adams Christmas album.

Or Christmas single. But she sold her CD player to buy him the CD. It was on green vinyl. Which is an awful Christmas present, because you can't listen to it the day after. It's like a big fuck you. But the B-side to that song uh the song was like something about christmas it like literally is called something something about christmas time that one yeah and the b side is reggae christmas oh i remember when that happened yeah i never heard it but i remember when

that and i knew even then i was like this is bad yeah but you've heard the song oh Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How does it go? Do you remember? Christmas is cool in Canada If you like being up to your knees in snow It's not nice in Germany You gotta find another place to go. We're having a reggae Christmas. We're having a good time too.

We're having a reggae Christmas. Merry Christmas and a reggae New Year to you. Oh, wow. Why is he dragging other countries into it? Why did he pick on Germany out of all of them? Poor Germany. Do other countries get name checked or is it just Germany?

No, he goes through all of them. What does that have to do with reggae? Christmas ain't nice in Belarus. There's fallout from Chernobyl. No. Oh, would that be great? That would have redeemed it for me now i'm trying to think of if i have a song like that that's like haunted my brain oh there was

one on a i don't even know i don't know the title of it but mr saxo beat yeah i think it was mr is there a thing that like bygone, bygone era where like at gas stations, they used to be able to buy like a dollar 99 cassette with like a bunch of artists on it. Absolutely. And it was just like, well, whatever, you know, it's $1.99. What are you going to do? It's a classic gas station mixtape. Exactly. And there was a country song that has been in my head.

I don't know the name of it, but I want, I've heard it one time outside of the car, and it was at a diner. And I scrambled to the, like, the jukebox, like, what is it? To make sure you were not imagining it. And it was, I think it was Clint Black. Is that a guy?

Yeah. That's a guy. I think it was Clint. Is he married to Amy Grant? Maybe that makes him too... Oh. Because I'm wondering if that makes him too young. He was like a guy that was a famous country guy in the early 80s.

He's been around for a while, though, Clint Black. Randy Travis? I think he's been around for a while. Oh, it might have been Randy Travis. I think that's it. Yeah. I think that was I used the, you know, what do you call it? Pneumonic device? Umami. Umami? Yeah.

And umami. You like that because you're vegetarian. Yeah, I like umami humor. Artichoke humor, too. What is the Wait, what is, too. What's the... Wait, what was the song? It was called Digging Up Bones.

Was it about Christmas? No, it wasn't a Christmas song. Was it about the nightmare before Christmas? It was about an archaeologist. Easter. There aren't as many Easter... An archaeologist celebrating Easter. Yeah.

I wish it was Christmas But I'm digging up bones Yeah You guys got it Randy Travis Winks at the camera Little tip of the hat Tip of the pith helmet

Yeah the video takes place And then Jesus rises from the dead Yeah Graham what's going on with you? I'm just digging up bones You know I understand something Happ happened to your thumb Wait, I want to hear how the song goes

The only lyrics I know are Digging up bones, exhuming things That are better left alone Exhuming Who's exhuming who? More like exhuming than exhuming It was a rethorac Who's exhuming who?

How did the tune go? Are you not much of a singer? Oh, it went It was I'm digging up bones And then some bassy guy go I'm digging up bones Oh, so it was like a barbershop Yeah

A barbershop country quartet Yeah, yeah I'm exhuming things that are better left alone And then I don't know the rest of the lyrics But I heard it once in a diner And I was like, digging up bones. The dinosaur song.

Was it by Was Not Was? Now let's get to know you. Sure. Yeah, I bashed my, I have a bruise that's not showing up as well in this light, but a blood blister and cuts and a bruise that's not showing up as well in this light, but a blood blister and cuts and a bruise. This happened on... He's pointing to his... The webbed part between the thumb and the index finger.

Oh, that does have a name, doesn't it? Doesn't that have a name? Yeah, I'm just trying to... That webbing between your forefinger and your thumb? My thumb pit. Thumb pit, I beg your pardon. Ask and answer. I was doing a show in Victoria.

Humblebrag. A little bit, right? Whatever. At a place called Heckler's. A place called Heckler's. Out of control with people saying that, by the way. Humblebrag? Humblebrag, yes.

It has spread like a virus. It really is. People don't know what it means anymore. Yeah, it's just you say anything. Humblebrag. Gotta go have dinner. Humblebrag. It would be if you were talking to a starving guy.

Like when Alanis Morissette had that song about where she mentioned a bunch of different things that weren't quite humblebrags, but she called them humblebrags. Yes, yes. And I don't know if this has happened to either of you in your stand-up careers, but I injured myself literally one minute into the show of a closing set. And so had to, like, I was like, nobody saw it. How did it happen? The mic stand, you know, there's two kinds of mic stands. There's like the twist and you can adjust the heights. And then there's one that you kind of pinch.

Yes. And it just falls down. yeah yeah and this the guy that was hosting the show's named kevin banner he's very tall and he left it at his height and so when i moved as a joke on you no i think he just he just left it there like he never took the mic great job graham's not like weirdly short no but if you're very tall yeah he's tall. He's the weirdo in this scenario. Make no mistake about it. He's, so he left the mic stand up, and so when I grabbed the mic stand to move it behind me, I accidentally triggered the top part of it to fall down, and it caught my hand. And I was like, ooh, that hurts so much!

But nobody saw it so to acknowledge it without having even said a joke it was gonna wonk out the show you know like weird opener yeah so i just kept going and the whole time my hand felt like it was on fire like was it uh it was bleeding so i had to keep it close to my shirt so as to not throw blood at somebody in the front row. Did you really just have to kind of tuck your hand in? Yeah, I kept dabbing my hand on my shirt. Fortunately, you were wearing a crimson shirt. I was wearing a red checkered shirt, so a perfect murder shirt.

But have you ever had that where you've injured your... Like, I had a friend who... No, I sure haven't. He bashed himself in the tooth with the mic, like the mic was stuck, and he bashed himself in the tooth. Oh, yeah, like chip his tooth or anything. Yeah, he chipped his tooth. Oh, goddammit! And he did the whole set.

He did the whole set with the... And Damon Schritter, Paschus Damon Schritter, he did a similar thing where the mic was stuck and he bashed himself in the nose but then it was bleeding. And so then he had to stop because people were like, this is like a horror show. But he was going to try to continue. He kept going but it was

pouring out of his face. Just like dabbing it with a napkin? Oh, it's okay, folks. It's all right. Just listen to the content of what I'm saying. Not the weird horror show. In high school, I did an improv show that was supposed to be at lunch hour, and I was on the other side of campus. And so I ran down the hall, and I ran down some stairs, and i had just gone through a growth spurt and i could

sort of like go upstairs two at a time sure but running downstairs i was like i'll try to go downstairs two at a time and accelerate oh two two at a time oops now four at a time oh and now the other 16 uh so i really hurt my ankle that day. And I had to go do this improv shows. But I mean, there were like eight other people on the team. Sure. But you worked through the pain. Yeah.

Just, you know, no pratfalls. Yeah. Right? Then you got addicted to back pills. Yeah. Like Chevy Chase. And then you got in a fight with Bill Murray. Right? Is that what Chevy Chase was about? I in a fight with Bill Murray right?

I don't think that's the right order no it was different for you you're not Chevy Chase oh good catch also that was the weird painful thing of the evening the weird thing of the evening was before the show started

we were sitting at the table and Kevin Banner, who was hosting, he listens to the podcast. This tall guy? This tall guy. Mr. Inconsiderate? Oh, I hope I never meet this dude. He's a very friendly guy. Oh, I'll bet he is. On his terms.

table at the back and this guy walks out of the bathroom in a full head-to-toe wario costume like it's like it's a thing that is a nor it wasn't you know it wasn't a cabaret night or why did he do this well we didn't know because and kevin because we joke about wario often enough that he was like i think that guy i think that guy must listen to the podcast and he's dressed as Wario for some reason. And I was like, that doesn't seem right. It seems crazy to me that somebody would do that. But before the show, we crossed paths

he was going outside a smoked pot. Surprise, surprise. Sure, absolutely. Which is the opposite of what Mario would do. That's right. He would say no to drugs. What does he do? He eats flowers. That's right. He would say no to drugs. Yeah, he would. What does he do? He eats flowers.

Yeah. He's a big drinker. No, he does mushrooms. Big drinker. He's a big drinker. He does mushrooms. It's like platoon. He does mushrooms. That's right.

So, Wario smoking pot. He walked by me, and there was no acknowledgement of... Who you are. Yeah, like, I don't know who you are. And I'm like, but I know that you're dressed like Wario. But he also didn't acknowledge that my staring at him was like, you know, hey, I'm in a costume and I know it kind of thing. Like, I was like, oh, this is really weird. Can I say you're missing the most obvious explanation?

That he's Wario? It was Wario. Oh, yeah. Yeah. say you're missing the most obvious explanation that he's wario it was wario oh yeah yeah so you're staring at him and he's like maybe he thinks you're staring at him because he's famous oh right not again but the look on your face is like or worse i'm making fun of me he thinks i think that he's mario and he's like oh this again i bet it happens all the time I bet it happens all the time No, I'm Frank Stallone So, halfway through the show

I said, like, did anybody else see this dude in the Wario costume? And everybody was laughing And I brought him up on stage, just to prove to the rest of the room that hadn't seen him, hey, this is the guy And I asked him, like, why are you dressed like this? And he said he was on the way to a video game costume party and i was like well how did you this is a

weird amount of stopping off on the way to somewhere yeah and i was like but you showed up by yourself here with a wario costume he said no my girlfriend's dressed as princess Peach, which is the princess, I guess, right, that you rescue. And I was like, okay, that kind of makes sense. They were a couple, right? Well, when I saw them making out at the bar later on in the evening, I was like, whoa, that doesn't... No, but in the Mario-verse. Yeah, but would Wario make out with Princess Peach?

Would that happen? Sure. She's a slut. Wait a minute. No. Right? Yeah, that wouldn a slut. Wait a minute. No. Right? Yeah, that wouldn't happen. I bet that felt hot.

Yeah. It was fruit. Literally. Literally. Peach! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Mr. Saxo Peach.

Let's move on to an advertisement from a sponsor. Yes, let's. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house.

You gotta do some more. Take care of beers in the house. Business. That's right. That song means it's business time. And this week we have a sponsor, a corporate sponsor from corporations. They're people. The man.

And it is the Improv Monday show at Rowan's Roof in Vancouver. So if you're in Vancouver, this show, Rowan's Roof used to be... Chivana. Yeah, which had the long running urban improv show. And the show has recently been taken over. And every week it features a veritable variety of Vancouver's finest improvisers, including a lot of people we've had as past guests. I asked Chip, who runs the show, who's been on it, and he named like 15 people who are regulars on the show and uh i met chip at uh at the live podcast he's a super nice guy he was really excited about the

taking over the show and running the the thing every week it's uh it's a nice uh restaurant too it's not just it's not just for watching comedy they the food there is actually really quite good. So it's an awesome improv show. Every Monday in Vancouver at Rowan's Roof, 2340 West 4th Avenue near 4th and Vine in Kitts. I think it's across from a Safeway. It is. That's the big landmark because it's actually kind of hard to find the place

because it is upstairs. Yeah, it's a roof. It is a roof. So you actually, if you're standing across from the Safeway, you are where you need to be for laughter, love, and lobster. I think they serve lobster there. Oh, I hope they do.

Oh, and like them on Facebook. Yep. And email them for info. The email address is improvmonday at gmail.com if you want to advertise with us you can go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron it's 100 for personal message 200 for one of those corporate messages man one percent yeah uh do you want to move on to the overheard? I sure do. Overheard. Beep bop boop.

That's a robot. From what year? 1921? That's what they sounded like. Beep bop boop. Before we do our overheards, let's pause and have a look at today's celebrity birthday. Oh, sure. This is a segment that is becoming one of my favorites. For real.

You are not alone. Oh, aren't you? Or perhaps you? Oh, aren't you? Today is November 28th, three days before my birthday. Yay. We did it. Thanks.

Almost. I guess probably for all the Facebook messages Sure From everyone Seems like a thing that gets done But on November 28th Big celebrity happy birthday To pretty lady Karen Gillan

Is 24 She's on Doctor Who Oh okay She has red hair I thought by saying pretty lady That she was like Supporting cast in Pretty Woman Or something like that

No How would she be 24? She's pretty too. Yeah sure. Am I allowed to talk during the birthday? Oh yeah. You're allowed to scream. We're not in space. In cyberspace no one can hear you scream.

Pretty Lady Mary Elizabeth Winstead is 27. Okay. She's from... Is she, uh... Mr. Who? No, what was she in? She was in the most recent Die Hard.

And she was in Death Proof. She wore the cheerleader outfit in Death Proof. Ah, yes. Mr. Who. What were we saying was the name of the doctor from Heart of Dixie? Dr. Saxo Beat? No. It was Dr. Sally Doctor.

Oh, not Dr. Dixie Heart? Yeah, Dr. Dixie Heart. No, not Dr. Dixie. Dixie Heart. Funny Man John Stewart celebrates his 49th birthday. Oh, Gray Fox Piano man Paul Schaefer is 62 And the answer to our trivia question

Which Apathe Merkerson starred in 391 episodes of Law and Order? Paul! Is it S. Apathe Merkerson? It is, she is 59 today Oh boy She's also the spokesperson for Uniball Pens What? Is it Essa Paytham-Merkerson? It is. She is 59 today. Oh, boy. She's also the spokesperson for Uniball Pens. What?

Yes, that's right. Really? Yes. She also played Rose on Lost. No, she didn't. She could have, though. Wow. She could have.

I bet she would have been good. Happy birthday, all. Now, Paul. Hi, there. We like to do this segment called Overheards. Overheards. Exactly. And we like to start with a guest.

I know. And you know what? I came prepared. Yes. Because I feel like I have not had good ones, and I always want to have good ones, and I feel like I forget about the segment, and I don't have it. I've been making notes. Yes. In anticipation of being here. Not all of these are mind-blowing.

None of them are. So what I have for you is some quick hits. Do you want to go first and last or between us or all rapid fire? I think it might be better

if I do it rapid fire. I'm excited about this. Well, don't be. Why not? I gotta be excited about something. I don't have anything, Paul. Lost his thumb. Here's what I heard.

These were all from over my Thanksgiving weekend, American Thanksgiving. The original. Which is just like your Thanksgiving, except our government doesn't pay for it. You have to buy your own turkey. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And giblets. All right, so... Centerpieces. This was on the plane, waiting in the breezeway to board the plane from Philadelphia back to Los Angeles to high school age girls in front of me. breezeway to board the plane from Philadelphia back to Los Angeles to high school age girls in front of me.

I would say they were probably freshmen or sophomores. They're very young. Grade 9 or grade 10. Grade 9 or grade 10. They were talking to each other and I heard this one girl say to the other, why does everybody call him Mac?

He likes PCs anyway. I like it yeah i was at a diner this place called little pete's in philadelphia which i love sounds good it's pretty good and the staff there is like straight up diner staff yeah and i overheard they do they call you honey? Oh yeah Hun Waitress yelling to the kitchen Do you know What made this happen But I just heard her say Pineapple stupid

When's the last time Someone called you stupid As a name It's been a while it's been a while um and then i heard um this this was in my own family and i don't remember who said it i made a note of it um but it was not i was not looking at the the people i literally overheard this um one no this is my thing this is my friends uh who are all parents good save and one said the people. I literally overheard this. No, this is my friends who are all parents. Good save. And one said...

I don't mean to implicate my family in this. One said, my kids like Fleetwood Mac. And the other person said, oh no. Now, can I tell you a chilling tale Which is related to overheards Yes

And I don't know what this counts Is this an overseen? Fleetwood Mac? No, no It's not related to Fleetwood Mac I kind of want to discuss kids liking Fleetwood Mac It's a problem Look, it's always a shame in any family

First it was sexting Yes Then it was cheese That's right Cheese Now it's always a shame in any family. First it was sexting. Yes. Then it was cheese. That's right. Cheese. Now it's Fleetwood Mac. I was... Kids putting cheese up their butts.

Yeah, is that what it was? The Fleetwood Mac is a tusk. Is there some drug called Crocodile? Has anybody heard about that? Crocodile? Yeah. Oh, Crocodile. Does it have dill in it?

Yeah, it's just mashed up dill. Isn't it ground up French alligators? You put it on salmon? That's right. Listen to my chilling tale. Okay, chilling tale. Everyone listening right now should hold a flashlight up to their faces. Like they're telling the story?

Yeah, hold it up to the iPhone because that's the one telling the story. Exactly. Look up what Paul F. Tompkins looks like, then shine a... Please. Yes. Shine a flashlight under my... The chin. Light under his bushel.

So... Is that right? Which scripture tells us to do. I am taking a hike up the... Take a hike. Up to the... Oh. I already do.

Comedies. That was like, hee-haw level. Yeah, it was great. So, yeah. No, that's what I meant. It was great. So I'm taking a hike up to the Griffith Park Observatory in Los Angeles. And I am listening to Stop Podcasting Your yourself as i make my way up the hill

there was a weird now a little backstory i sometimes when i see somebody who looks like a celebrity i will think to myself look at that blank looking motherfucker this dates back to one time i was in a car with a friend of mine i was in the passenger seat a friend was driving and i'm very emphatically talking about something i was all worked up about something and to kind of take the edge off my rant uh because i realized i was getting way too worked up i looked over at the car next to me at this person who looked like lily tomlin and i said am i right lily tomlin looking motherfucker and then it was lily tomlin which was really weird it's always if you see somebody looks like lily tomlin it is yeah so i got in the habit of doing

that it's a thing that only happens in my head and amuses me privately. I see somebody who vaguely looks like somebody else, and I say, blank-looking motherfucker. So somebody is approaching me who looks like Tilda Swinton, and I just think in my head, look at this Tilda Swinton-looking motherfucker. At the exact moment that I am thinking that, you said Tilda Swinton looking motherfucker At the exact moment that I'm thinking that You said Tilda Swinton Dave It was the weirdest Weirdest thing

I thought it and you said it at the exact same time It was probably a celebrity birthday I think Yes that's exactly what it was Was she wearing like a beekeeper costume That's how I imagine Tilda Swinton Has to be out in the sun Yeah yeah covered head to toe It was mostly just a person A beekeeper costume? That's how I imagine Tilda Swinton has to be out in the sun. Yeah, yeah. Covered head to toe.

It was mostly just a person who sort of looked like Tilda Swinton. Did you know that Tilda Swinton has multiple lovers? Did you know that? Ooh, la la. Is that right? Yeah. I'd like to know more. She's polyamorous.

Ooh. That's the term. Ooh. Ew. You guys both looked at me like I had more information It was starting to get good Wow That is my overheards and my chill That was awesome

No but you know what Do you know what That was really freaky to me You guys were like oh Like I'm your son We're going to put that over her down the fridge. I showed you a ladybug that I found in the garden. That's nice.

Oh, look at that. Yeah. Don't bring it inside. Because you don't want to upset the ecosystem inside the house. If you introduce a ladybug into this home, then what? All their fruits and vegetables. Forget about them.

What about my aphids? My precious aphid collection. Starring Sally Field. What about my aphids? Not without my aphids. That movie, I had made the title in my head, Not With My Daughter You Don't. When in your head did you make that?

I can't remember. But it wasn't just now. No, no, no. I was trying to tell somebody about that movie. You know the movie Sally Field, Not With My Daughter, You Don't? But I caught myself before I said it. And I realized that is not the name of that movie.

Was that a theatrical release, or was it a Lifetime movie, or was it just the epitome of a Lifetime movie? Dave, I don't remember. Okay. I feel like that was released in the theater. Not without my daughter. With my daughter, you don't. Not without my daughter, you don't. It's a different movie.

Dave, do you have an overheard? My overheard is from a television commercial. Are you familiar with classical violinist Andre Rieu? Of course. No. Oh. Of course. Andre Rieu is the most famous classical violinist in the world.

He's this... Today. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, not from the 50s. We thought it was going to go back to like the 18th century. Yeah, there might be older dudes who are

more famous. Let's all name them. The Kulak crew. He plays the violoncelle. Andre Rieu is, I think, Austrian. He's got long, flowing hair. Oh, go on. He's very Austrian-looking. I know exactly what that means.

Always wears a tuxedo. Like Austrians do. And I just know who he is. You don't need to know who he is for this. But it was an ad during Jeopardy. Sure. And it was for Andre Ryu's new album. And it goes, Andre Ryu. And the waltz goes on Ryu's new album. And it goes, Andre Ryu.

And the waltz goes on. The new album. Indulge yourself in Elvis's Are You Lonesome Tonight. Stroll down memory lane with Vera Lynn's Till We Meet Again. And immerse yourself in the opulence of the title track written by Sir Anthony Hopkins. What? Wow! track written by sir anthony hopkins wow so anthony hopkins wrote this big orchestral waltz called and the waltz goes on which might be the most hannibal lecter thing he's ever done

yeah that's true wow that's craziness are you sure it's the anthony hopkins i mean why would you mention it otherwise yeah Anthony Hopkins, not that Anthony Sir Anthony Hopkins, the other knight Written by an Anthony Hopkins That would be a I don't know how well it would work But if you cast a movie with all people with famous names Because you put it on the poster

It's not lying to say George Clooney is in this movie Even though he's a mechanic I think the Screen Actors Guild would... No, this is not, I don't work with the Guild, this is an independent feature. You'd have to add another hyphenate to David Hyde Pierce, to the David Hyde Pierce UCAS. You assume that in my movie

there's George Clooney, David Hyde Pierce, scored by Anthony Hopkins. Absolutely. Anthony Hopkins, as a composer, I don't think they have the same strict guild rules. Oh, sure. That's why Anthony A. Hopkins, like Mr. Holland's

Opus, they were allowed to have. Mr. Holland's Opus. Roy Scheider. That's your reference. Oh, man. Graham, do you have an overheard? I do. Paul was going to say something. Roy Scheider. That's your best question. Oh, man. Graham. Graham, do you have an overheard?

I do. Paul was going to say something. I was just going to say, when Mr. Holland's Opus came out, I have not seen that movie, but whenever I would see the commercial, that's what I would do. Say, a la Richard Dreyfuss, the title of the film. Overheard, you don't. The title of the film. Overheard, Graeme, go. Mine's also from television. It was from a newscast from, I think, Ontario.

And they do the same news story every year. You know, there's like just stories that they happen the same way every year. They cover Black Friday and they cover, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's always the same, same, same, same. And so it was a story about cross-border shopping, people going to Pennsylvania to cross-border shop. Did you see any of these Canadians,

these Canadian yahoos at your local Wawa? But the lady on the news report said Yeah I go down to Pennsylvania I gotta buy the things that The teens want You know the Uggs Things the teens want That was the one thing she

They do want them and they're all over Pennsylvania As a Pennsylvania I can tell you As a Pennsylvania We are Ugg deep in Uggs. Oh, man. I kind of like that Uggs exist, because it shows that girls can also not give a shit about their appearance. Like, it used to be it was just...

They give more of a shit about not giving a shit, though. You think, like, they go so far in the other direction. Like, women spending, I don't know how much Uggs cost. A lot. Are they expensive? I think, but you can get imitation Uggs at, like, Payless. You should.

Yeah. That's what the name implies, right? You go to Payless? Gals, if you're in a budget, get yourself some of those Payless Uggs. But I think, like, women spending, you Women spending $200 On Uggs is the equivalent of

A guy buying $5 sweatpants Yeah, it's true At Walmart So you're saying that guys can look like shit But for cheaper than what Will the inequality never end? Yeah

They work twice as hard for half the wages and then they gotta pay double to look just as shitty. Man. That's a man's world. It really is, right? Right?

It's a man's, man's, man's, man's world. Yeah. Despite what the... Is it Beyonce's song? Girls Rule the World? Yeah. Yes.

Chap them. In a post-apocalyptic future. Oh, sure. Oh, is it? Yes. Is she the ruler of the women that rule the world? Yes. We all vote Beyonce! Because her campaign was so flashy.

I'm picturing her. I haven't seen the video. I'm picturing her in a Tina Turner Thunderdome style outfit. Yes, no crazy horn. No, you know what? It is pretty much that, yeah. Oh, they're black as the ace of spades. And those legs? They go on forever in a day.

From here to yaya. Is that a thing? Yes. Is that a thing? Is that a thing? I think it is. We also get overheards sent in. He's got a grandma named Yaya. Yeah.

Doesn't like her being dragged into it. She's part of the sisterhood. Yaya Shumka. We also have overheards sent in to us via email by our listeners. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. Like this first person did. Do it. That was some off-air conversation.

Oh, we have such fun here. Brittany G. One night, Me, my boyfriend This is the way it was written Distance yourself from that grammar You're not going to put sick in between some brackets? Me, my boyfriend And one of our friends

Were hanging out at our house I was trying to go to sleep You assumed that some sort of Some sort of Tilda Swinton thing was about to go down. I have a problem. I was trying to go to sleep, and they were talking in the kitchen. I could only hear pieces of the conversation, but was able to figure out that they were talking about one of their friends who they apparently felt was immature. There was some discussion.

who they apparently felt was immature. There was some discussion. Then I hear our friend say, he's such a complex baby. Which is a... You know how babies have those complex needs. What could be more hellish than a complex baby? He's crying, but you don't know why. He gives you a weird look after he's done crying.

He's shaking his head. You try to feed him a bottle. But all he does is stare at that picture of milk he's complex he's complex this one

George C who lives in Hollywood, California George C. Scott yes he's exciting star of stage who else would it be it It's gotta be him.

Yeah, I didn't want to say the name because, you know, you don't read out the full name. I probably shouldn't have said anything. That's okay. We can get his son to come here and read it. It's his son's name again. Scott C. Scott? Ugh. What's his... Campbell! Campbell. Dumb name. I mean, it's my wife's maiden name.

What if it was pronounced Camp Bell? Oh, yeah. The Camp Bell and the Butterfly. wife's maiden name. What if it was pronounced Camp Bell? Oh, yeah. The Camp Bell and the butterfly. He's correcting people. Although, my wife, Abby, her maiden name. Your wife. Yay! It's back.

Yay. Her maiden name is Campbell. Sure. And once her Aunt Sheila and her. Ooh, Aunt Sheila. They were going to a restaurant, and there was going to be a big wait for a table. And the hostess was being quite a pill. And Sheila said, okay, how long?

45 minutes or whatever. Can I have your name? Campbell. And then the hostess said, your first name? And Sheila said, Campbell. Campbell Scott. Wow. Thanks, George C.

Good overheard. Next. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I live in Hollywood, California. Hold on a second. This is the George T. one, right? Yes.

Okay. Yeah. All right. And was walking into my apartment complex when a panicked, dingy-looking man wearing a Bret Michaels-type hat. Picture it. Sure. Yeah.

I got that locked in. Bandana. Absolutely. He said- Bandana with hair attached. Yeah. Maybe a cowboy hat on top of bandana. Sure.

Absolutely. He stopped me and he said, hey, man, frozen turkey, 10 bucks. He used tons of strength and brought the turkey up to show me. It was wrapped in a shopping bag. I said, I'm sorry, man, and started to unlock the door to my complex. He starts leaning into the windows of the first floor, dragging this heavy bag, saying, frozen turkey! Ten bucks! Come on!

Just as I get into the complex, he says, you gotta take this turkey, man! I ignored him and walked into my apartment. A minute later, from inside my apartment, I can hear a Sam Kinison-esque shriek, ten fucking dollars, man! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Pretty great.

Wow. The crazier a homeless person acts, the more you ignore them. They're like... Yes! Because they're being scary. They're like the Smiths. There was a guy... I had some boots that were really stiff.

Were they made for walking? They were. All boots are. No, no, some are made for dancing. Dancing boots? You've got to be able to at least walk in them. Sure, to the dance floor. No parking on the dance floor, by the way.

I suppose you could fit anything with tap things at the front and back. Is that something you can go to a shoemaker for? Yeah. Turn these into tap shoes, please. A fancy shoe. I caught a lot of those words. But these boots were really stiff, and I was running to try to cross the street.

I wasn't quite at the corner yet, and so I guess I looked kind of weird running, and a homeless guy was crossing the other way, and I noticed him do a weird cartoonish tiptoeing thing. And I was like, oh, what's that about? And then as I crossed him, he turned and continued to do his weird tiptoeing thing backwards away from me. So I was like, oh, he's doing this for me. That must be what I look like.

He made fun of you. Good thing I'm good at ignoring him. There you go. This last one comes from Holly P. I'm good at ignoring him. There you go. This last one comes from Holly P. I was driving around the neighborhood. Holly Robinson Pete? Yeah. Oh my god. All the stars are out tonight. I deleted the R

in the hope that you wouldn't figure it out. You're too good. I always know. I was driving around the neighborhood with my son, and we were counting houses that had Christmas lights up, and at the same time we said seven, and then he said, Jinx, you owe me a sofa. Pretty great.

Did he mistype soda in his brain? Yeah, or maybe he just always thought that if you said Jinx then you exchange furniture. Maybe he's just trying to liven things up from that boring activity. What do you do when you get the number? Alright, well, 18 That's done

Christmas is over It's like an advent calendar That's pretty tough And interesting I've long wondered A lot of these overheard sometimes They're not overheard, the person is talking directly to them So does that count as an overheard?

Anything goes. All right. You guys are very generous. We try to be. We give back to the community. It's given so much to us. One of us does. Old Beardo over there.

Sure. I take and take and take. Sure. Do you remember when Holly Robinson, when Rodney Peete proposed to her on the set of Hanging with Mr. Cooper? I don't. They covered it for entertainment tonight. I don't feel like that. How come they haven't revisited them?

Oh, done like an update? How are they doing now? Is Holly Robinson Peet on a show? Is she on the talk? I don't know who she is. I know that it's a name of a show business. She was on Hanging Mitt, Mr. Cooper.

In Germany. Was she on 21 Jump Street? Hanging Mitt. That's a really good question that I do not have the answer to. Too much I do not have the answer. Hanging Mitt, Herr Cooper. The only thing hanging there. Hanging Mitt, Herr Cooper.

In addition to overheards that have been written in, we're going to listen to some phoners. I dare you to. Our phone number is 206-339-8328. 206-339-8328. This is Herbert from South... Oh, never mind. Yes, please.

I don't think we're counting that one. I think we still have three calls. That counts. That's one. That's one. That was great. Never mind. I gotta go.

Not any indication whatsoever What it was about Oh never mind Do you want another failed one? Yes! Please! Why is this a regular feature? That was great

Hi Dave and Graham Possible guests Liam in Halifax. I just had a bit of an overheard, overexperienced. I was in the grocery store. I was walking past the aisles, and I saw a lady holding a block of black diamond cheese beside her head, pointing at it and yelling yelling at the manager I just want to know

if I can pay Visa for it to whose reply oh fuck I give up fuck it fuck it

fucked up sorry bye oh my god the guy took it really hard fuck it fuck it I fucked up did the win a bagel man I took it really hard. Fuck it. I fucked up.

Did the Winnebago man? Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That was pretty great. And finally. Hi, guys. This is Kirsten, your biggest fan in Colonial Williamsburg. This one's a real one.

I'm calling in with an overheard. It actually doesn't come from CW. It comes from Brooklyn, where I was visiting friends this past weekend. CW. And my friend and I went to a flea market, and we were at a stand that was selling antique prints of scientific nature, botanical specimens, as well as things like architectural drawings. And a man came up to the owner, who was sitting on a chair in front of her tent, but we couldn't see him because he was kind of concealed by a flap of the tent. concealed by a flap of the tent.

But we heard him ask her, Hi, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for something very specific. I'm looking for Japanese erotica featuring octopi. And, of course, my friend and I completely stopped what we were doing and froze and looked at each other. stopped what we were doing and froze and looked at each other and um the woman kind of said no i i don't carry that i don't have anything like that and there was this long silence and then she just said not that there's anything wrong with that so anyway i can think of several things wrong with that yeah no there's something wrong with it yeah i, anyway. I can think of several things wrong with that. Yeah.

No, there's something wrong with it. Yeah. I feel like I've heard of that. Yeah. Of like, that's a thing. Of like... Because I believe it's octopi and women, right? Oh, I think a man and an octopi.

Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah, it's two... An octopi. Yeah, it's not a threesome. Oh, no. I didn't mean it in like, you know, slang. Oh, no, that's what I thought you were going forreesome. Oh, no. I didn't mean it in, like, slang. Oh, no, that's what I thought you were going for.

No, no, no. Octopus. A man and one octopus. Yeah. It's funny the second time you say it. Still good. Oh, man, that's some good stuff. So what is it?

Is it that they're naked and they're eating an octopus oh they're just like oh oh i guess the woman like uh the there might be eight women oh sure oh maybe that's like slang for an eightsome yeah octopus, eight arms to hold you. Eightsome. Because if you said, I, never mind. That would be so hard to make happen. A manada wheat. Yeah, an eightsome. Yeah, I mean, you know. Because I feel, because let's say. Twosome is a hard one to really get going.

At what point does it become an orgy? Let's say you get five, right? Yeah, I'm listening. That's hard. Then you introduce a sixth person. Somebody in the original five is like, that's too much for me. That's too weird.

So you're constantly having to trade out that fifth person. Hold it all together. I imagine it's a lot like your 16-person Halo parties. Where there's four people waiting on the side. People are dipping cheesy bread. And then, yeah, then the cold light or the light of dawn shows you feel like, it's time

to put that octopus back in the tank. I feel awful. Well, you know what the horrible thing is about all this is that at some point now I'm going to have to google that and it's probably going to be something horrible I can show you pictures well it's not going to be photographs I don't think I think it'll be drawings

what if it is what if it is photographs though I don't want that we could be going down a very dark also why didn't this guy just go online and look for stuff? Why is he going out there in person asking for that? Embarrassing himself and other people.

Yeah. Horrifying other people. Hey, you got any of those old engravings where there's octopus having sex with ladies? I'm embarrassed. Or any of those ceramic covers that go over your tissue box?

Once for my wife. I'm embarrassed to talk to a salesman at a store that like, do you carry this brand or am I crazy? I'm sorry for asking. I'm looking for, have you heard of this brand? It's called Octopus Sex. Octopus Sex.

It's Japanese. Yeah, I like the designation. Not Belgian. What if she had been... We have Taiwanese. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah, not interested.

Their octopus look weird. It's a squid culture. Which country has the weirdest looking octopuses right in right in with your thoughts yes everyone right in to uh oh that was me oh was it yeah oh sorry um bang with a broom like i wouldn't down there. Yeah. But they've had it coming. Yeah, totally. Oh, they're very stompy clompy. I don't like that. Now, we want to bring this thing to a... Yeah, let's bring it.

Let's bring it to a bring. The new year. Now, Paul, you've got so many things going on. So many. Your podcast. That's it. One of the greatest things out there on the internet. That will start happening again soon.

The Pod F Tomcast. Thank you very much. People who have not listened to it before, go ahead. Now's the time to get in. Because we are behind in putting it out. Yes. And it's great.

Because if you haven't, it would be a lot of fun. See, I always feel jealous of people who have kind of missed a thing and then they find out about it and they get to enjoy it in one large clump. Yes. Like TV or DVD.

Like the clumps. Like all the clumps movies. So I gotta know these movies are out there. I'm a fan of people with plastic faces. Yeah. Do you count Coming to America Among the Clumps? Sure. Ooh.

That was the original title of it. Among the Clumps. Didn't make any sense Nobody knew it We gotta change the title Or else Herb what's his name Herb Clump Herb Clump

You know what I'm talking about right There was a newspaper columnist Who claimed that The idea for coming to america was his oh no and eddie murphy and arsenio hall stole it from him wow it doesn't seem like a very well i was obsessed with arsenio hall in my uh in in the late 80s why wouldn't you be it was it was the time when america was obsessed with top of his head was so flat yeah he did an uh like an

aids prevention video with magic johnson and i think something good it did i know see the it wasn't before he got just the most random oh shit we were about to put that video out now of all the guys to get hiv he did a wife safety video with Robert Blake. Wife safety. Rent it from your library. That's right. Wife safety. Do you have any books about wife safety?

Not the ones with octopuses. If she's climbing a ladder, hold it for her. That's right. That's very safety. It's a big deal. So you've got the podcast. Yes, that's true. You're touring, all the time touring. I'm going to be doing a big tour in May.

Okay. Where rather than do it over the course of the year, where I go one or two places a month and then get really tired by December, I'm going to, in May, do a multi-city stand-up tour. And then retire for the rest of the year. That's right. Wow.

That's exactly right. And people will be able to find out those dates on paulftompkins.com. They're not there yet. We're putting it all together now. Absolutely. Now, Dave, do you have anything that you need to talk about?

I also do a monthly show at Largo called the Paul F. Tompkins Show. Yeah, it's a good show when you do it. Yeah. I riff a bit off the top.

Sure. can I plug something though? Yes, please. Because I don't think it's, I think there's a few tickets left still. December 22nd,

I will be performing at Theater 99 in Charleston, South Carolina. This is my, the first time I Theater 99 in Charleston, South Carolina this is the first time I'm performing in Charleston which is a city that I love dearly because my wife grew up there will the Weiss family be there? yes, absolutely

and it's a benefit for Crisis Ministries which is a local homeless charity it's almost sold out though so please do get a ticket if you're going to be in the Charleston area, home for Christmas. Our first caller tonight may have been from South Carolina.

He stopped at the word South. That's right. Might have been Dakota. Yeah. Hard to say. I don't think I have anything to plug. I will be, you know, around. Yeah, you're going to be around, right?

Oh, I'm producing this thing at CBC Radio 3 called the Bucky Awards. It's our annual celebration of Canadian independent music. It goes live on December 7th. Listen on the internet. CBCRadio3.com. Are you nervous because it'll be live? It doesn't really go live. It's pre-taped.

Why did you lie? I mean't really go live. It's pre-taped. Why did you lie? It goes live. It becomes activated. It goes on the air. That's not the same thing. It seems live. Now I'm scared. It's like that show Almost Live. John Keister.

Yes. Joel McHale. Speaking of December things, I will be headlining at the comedy mix Speaking of December things I think we were right We were all talking about things in December Speaking of December things If I see Clement Moore

I will be headlining at the comedy mix The 17th, 18th and 19th of December That's three nights in a row I know They're night shows right Yeah one's a matinee. Bring the kids. Oh, what's better than comedy in the daytime?

Outdoor comedy. Outdoor daytime comedy. Oh, yeah. The top brand of comedy. If you could incorporate a fun run. Thank you again for being our guest. Thank you for having me. I'm pointing at both of you guys.

Oh, get out. It's always my pleasure. I'm pointing at both of you guys. Oh, get out. It's always my pleasure. Whenever, every single time that I've seen you, you're almost treading into the category of being too handsome for comedy. Nah. It's true. It's true. He's lost weight since the last time we, right?

You've lost weight. And Graham, you're in the category of too gay for words. Hey! Oh, hey! Wow. Oh, I hate what Dave is doing right now. It's really good, though. He's really good at it.

He's doing this. I'm doing that finger snap thing. Yeah, it's the worst. Ugh, gross. Can I tell you about it? Allie G can do it. Ugh, no. Don't talk about it anymore.

Can I tell you about it? No, I don't want to know about it. I want to hear about it. Ew, gross. When I was in grade 12. Weren't we wrapping this up? Yeah, I know. Weren't we going to go eat?

This is the worst. You were a senior in high school? I hate you so much right now. It's going to be so good. Oh, if it is not funny, I will eat your hand. I will just rip that hand right off of your arm. Well, let me tell it then. No, I don't want to hear it.

Graham, I have a good feeling about this. Also, you look like a big cracker to me. When I was in grade 12. Big pressure, Dave. Yeah, I know. Well, I know. When know when you were saying that i was like it's not gonna pay off uh uh sorry seemed more appetizing before uh when i was in grade 12 uh the the new crew of grade eights came to high school and there were all these little thugs, and they were all doing that thing. And then all the grade 12s started doing this to make fun of them.

And then they stopped doing it, and we just kept doing it. Tiny payoff. A little bit. Let's go eat food with our boss. We haven't signed off the podcast yet. Oh, my God. Just do it. Robert's rules of order over here.

No, I want to tell a story about my hands. Great tools. Hey, everybody. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Come back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. and then past dave will remember to send you future dave a message telling you remember to send you the message. To a present Dave. Who's future Dave to past Dave? It's still going.

Sometimes you have to, right? Sometimes you have to see the top of that mountain. Start a climbing. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Oh yeah. But you know what? I never do. Now, this may sound dumb.

Is that from the Bible? I think it was. Is it Judas? It's from the book of Judas. Oh, my God, guys. We should have been rolling on that because it's such good stuff for fun. We were. Deleted scenes.

Every once in a while you guys will do that. You'll throw a little thing on you. It's always nice. Because you don't always do it. You never know when it's going to happen. Yeah, and it's a bonus to people who listen all the way through. Yeah, I know. Fun.