Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 202 - Kaitlin Fontana

Episode Date: January 31, 2012

Authoress and improviser Kaitlin Fontana returns to talk about New York, Polish singles, lasers, and absinthe. Also, Drunk Dials and Drunk E-mails!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 202 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's got a whole bunch of fancy side buttons on his sweater. For, by my count, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I think it's a maritime aesthetic.

What do you think that's? Is that in case of a boat sinking? You can unfasten your sweater quicker? I think if you're like a fancy French sailor, you would unbutton this and then tie a neckerchief around your neck. Ooh, la vagie. And then neck with another sailor. Ah. Poor Anus.

We were trying to figure out... Well, you had them down, all the French words for... French words for genitals? Yeah. I don't even know... Is it genital? Les genitals? Les genitals.

I don't know. That was one of the restaurants Gordon Ramsay yelled at the guys at, Les Genitals. Did you hear the horrible Gordon Ramsay story this week? What? About his porn lookalike being found dead in that was old that's in a badger cave that was from uh 2011 oh that guy didn't happen again unless it did holy shit they gotta keep finding more more gordon ramsay porn doubles in those movies is he just yelling at the sex partner yeah um not performing quite anyways um our guest this week a very very funny lady one of our one of our fave guests returning oh come

now no come on now you come now uh how many times on the podcast i think this is my third three four new numero trois right always a delight a delight. Miss Caitlin Fontana. Hi, guys. Hello. Hello. You're an actress and a writer, like a published author-writer. I think the last time you were here, your book was just, it was going to come out. Yes.

And now it is out. That's true, yeah. It's out. It's out there in the universe. Fresh at 20. Yeah. The Caitlin Fontana story. The story of Mint Records. Yes. Let's out there in the universe. Fresh at 20. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The Caleb Fontana stuff. The story of Mint Records.

Yes. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. So you just showed up to the podcast. Yeah. And you had very exciting news. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be in the New York Improv Festival in March.

Which is awesome. Yeah, very awesome. And why am I? Yeah, yeah. My friend Louie Perlman and I, lovely gentlemen from New York City, we're reprising our dormant duo that we used to tour with. It's like the Captain America of duos. Sure.

Can we use that? Yeah. Is Captain America dormant? He was in an ice thing for many years. Cube train? Ice cube train. He was in an ice cube fan club. Yeah, we're very happily going to be performing at the first annual New York Improv Festival.

How do they know it's annual yet? That's true. That's a very good question, Dave. And I will put it to them you gotta shoot how do you know where does this uh is it a festival that all takes place in one arena or a bunch of different arenas around the boroughs yeah me too yeah madison square garden yeah but like isn't that where improv is best performed in Yeah, a huge cavernous... Screaming fans? Jay-Z's building an arena in Brooklyn for it.

Oh, is he building an arena? For the Nets, I think. The Nets and the NY Imp. Good for him. Yeah, it takes place at the People's Improv Theater, or the Pit, in New York City. And that is going to be happening in late March. And you're excited? I'm very excited. I'm going to be happening in late march and you're excited i'm very excited

i'm going to be in new york anyway for most of march uh so it's a an extension of a trip that i was already taking which is lovely what type of new york things are you going to be doing okay skating out in front of 30 rock yep okay getting mugged um no i actually, I'm taking a group of teenagers from my hometown to New York, which is something I did a few years ago. This is great. This is the setup for Home Alone 2. Yeah. Lost in New York. For real.

My very small hometown of 5,000 people. Fernie? Fernie. Fernie, British Columbia. My mother's a drama teacher there. Oh, did you save the drama for your mama? I did. Yeah. Wonderful. I don't understand that. Is that a thing? It's a drama teacher there. Oh, did you save the drama for your mama? I did, yeah. I don't understand that. Is that a thing?

It's a thing. It's a very popular bumper sticker. Question mark? Yeah, a few years ago we took a group of 12 high school drama nerds, basically the cast of Glee, but from a small... So it's like glee and waiting for guffman combined um to a just to new york to hang out and see shows and see the city broadway etc so when we did it a few years ago there was a tour company but i was kind of the

chaperone because i've lived there and uh my uh my mom decided the tour company was no good so this time she's like you and louis just plan the whole thing. So we're like, okay. So yeah, we're doing this whole trip with these kids. Okay, so what have you planned so far? We're going to see lots of pretzels. Mustard. Oh yeah, some sort of mustard. Without the other.

Getting whistled at by construction workers. Why are you going to say, I'm walking here? Yeah. Just because I got heels doesn't mean I'm asking for it. Oh, nice. That's good. That's advanced. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to do some shows. We're going to do some workshops, improv stuff with them. Louie is part of the Story Pirates, which is a children's storytelling and puppeteering group. So we're going to do a puppetry workshop. Just a bunch of fun stuff. So we're going to do a puppetry workshop. Just a bunch of fun stuff. It's the funnest because it's a bunch of small town kids who are super excited to be there for like a whole week.

They're just excited about everything. How old are they? 15 to 17. They're going to be so drunk. So many hormones. So drunk. Yeah, lots of hormones. Last time one kid was like half asleep the entire time but would eat five entire pizzas a day. And I was like like you are a

teenage boy it's those thin crusts yeah yeah we're not used to them it's like jet lag anytime he would sit anywhere he'd fall asleep almost immediately it was the best were you a big sleeper in your teen years no never never have i enjoyed the uh luxuriousness of uh lots of sleep. I've always been a good, like, as a teenager, I was a good sleeper inner. Ah, yeah. Lots of long sleeps, like going to bed at two in the morning and sleeping until, like, two in the afternoon.

But I was up watching X-Files. It's all good. And your mom comes in and just, like, starts cleaning your room to wake you up. Do you need, can I throw this away? That was her. That was your mom's. What was she holding up when she said that?

Like a guitar magazine or something. Canadian musician. Is that an actual magazine? It was. I don't know if it still is. It always had Our Lady Peace on the cover. What do I get? It was like O Magazine. It always had Our Lady Peace on the cover. What do I get? It always had. It was like O Magazine.

It always had Oprah on the cover. Yeah. Canadian musician. Our Lady Peace. With Rain Maida, like, jumping. Yeah. Rain Maida at home. Rain Maida saves rainwater.

These jokes are not funny to your American listeners at all. No. That's okay. People will learn. It's an educational. It's like their audio version of your kids going to new york they're gonna learn things you're gonna have fun this is a real uh i don't know coffee from one of those greek cups

what isn't there like a new york has like this this um iconic kind of disposable blue coffee cup with like a Greek... All the street vendors have the same cups. Yeah. They have like the Acropolis. I thought like you meant there was a special cup that you threw on the ground after coffee. You're right because the three words I said were crazy. A Greek coffee cup. There's a thing I read about.

cup. There's a thing I read about. Apparently, the price of a slice of pizza in New York has always been directly proportionate to the price of a subway ticket. Since the two have existed together in New York, they've always been

they've always kept track of each other. Like a cartel. Yeah, exactly. The subways subways the pizza guys they're all involved the guys that make the i heart and y shirts they're all part of the same it's a delicate ecosystem so you're going uh how long are you with these kids do you enjoy teenage kids because uh they terrify me oh really no i like them i've well i've taught improv for a long time as well so i'm used to it and i was a camp counselor when i was younger um that's an age that i really like They terrify me. Oh, really? No, I like them. Well, I've taught improv for a long time as well. All right.

So I'm used to it. And I was a camp counselor when I was younger. That's an age that I really like, actually, when they're 15 to 18-ish. Where they're barely legal. Yeah. I love me some barely legal teens. Oh, wait. They're not quite legal. Yeah.

No, they're- They're not legal. They're barely, yeah. Like, so barely. It's not even there. Yeah. No, I do. I like them.

I especially like kids from my hometown because it's sort of a nostalgic trip for me. They're always quite lovely people. And I'm totally generalizing. There's definitely some shitheads in there. How often do you go back to your hometown? Once or twice a year. I don't get back too much. I'm about to go back.

That's still a lot. Once or twice a year to go to your small town hometown. Yeah. Well, it's where my family lives, so I like to see them. I feel like if you weren't going back as often, this could be just like your ticket back just through them. Right. Just learning about it. Hey, is the hardware store still open? Yeah, totally. Oh, like you wouldn't even have to go. It's just kind of a relay system. What's new? Any new ice cream flavors? Yeah. I'm also friends with a few of them on facebook so i've i do pick up on some

hometown things and it often produces like the awe there's an awe reaction what was the uh place that a bunch of teenagers would hang out in a small town like fernie when you were a teenager well when i was a teenager it wasn't that cool. Oh, but now it is? It's cool now, yeah. It's a resort town. It's a ski resort town. It was then, too, but it was just kind of still figuring out what it was about. Now it has much more of a sort of alternative culture than when I was a teenager.

But where did you hang out? Well, that's why I prefaced with it wasn't cool. Because where we hung out was the 7-Eleven parking lot. Oh, yeah, that's what I did in Calgary as well. Yeah, but Calgary's basically the same deal. It's two hours away from Bernie. That's what they did in Seattle in the movie Say Anything. That's true. Jeremy Piven was hanging out in the parking lot with Cusack.

Also, your clerks. Your Smashing Pumpkins in 1979 video. Yeah, your Justin Timberlake video where he's dancing in front of a 7-Eleven. Right, right. No, I think he's just wearing a 7-Eleven shirt. Weren't they in a 7-Eleven parking lot? Oh, you might be right. Oh, I feel like I am.

You might be right. Yeah. Now, there's a lot of loitering. That's called loitering, right? Yeah. That's what teens excel at. Teens are very good of loitering. That's called loitering, right? That's what teens excel at. Teens are very good at loitering. Have you ever gone on IMDB

and you can look up keywords from movies and see what movies have what in common? I bet loitering is a keyword in many of these movies we just mentioned. Yeah, that's true. Spoiler alert. Whoa. Whoa.

I loved it. Yeah, that was fun. We're Whoa. I loved it. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah? Really hitting our stride. Yeah, I think that that was a common thread in films of the 90s. I feel like teen movies now, teenagers are doing stuff all the time. Slow down, teenagers. I feel like all the teenagers in the movies now all have cars, which was...

I'm talking about the movie Cars. Cars 2. I think that's always been a case of, like, that divides the snobs from the slobs. Yeah, but it feels like in the 90s there was maybe a bit more focus on the slobs, and then it shifted. Like, we were watching the

tail end of Easy A. Everybody in that movie had a vehicle. Yeah, that's true. Right? Even the worst kids in the movie. They all seemed to be very mobile, be able to get around. Also, they have better computers now than we had. I'll tell that to Matthew Broderick at War Games. That's true. He had Tic-Tac-Toe.

He had Global Thermonuclear War. Yeah. Which are basically the same. Spoiler alert. Speaking of Matthew Broderick, do you guys know that he's reprising his character? Oh, that's old. That guy died a year ago. It's true.

That Gordon Ramsay dwarf thing was, I don't know how it got. Because it was the greatest headline ever. Like it was just not the greatest. Well, no, it's like man lands on the greatest headline ever. Like, it was just not the greatest. Well, no, it's like, man lands on the moon. Yeah. It was just, the combination of words was insane. Yeah. Gordon Ramsay, local, or what was it?

Porn sex double, found dead in Badger's den. Yeah. But the misleading. Did you hear this story? I can't say I did but i feel like i know the whole story right now exactly do you you're not even curious how he ended up in the bathroom the misleading word is double yeah like but he's not he just looked exactly like but there weren't they weren't making porn movies with gordon ramsay yeah that's true. But for the far away shot, they needed a little person.

To keep it all in perspective. Yeah. We're going to force perspective using a small camera. And the buildings get smaller and smaller. Pretty great. Why is Gordon Ramsay destroying this town? Yeah, so that's great. What's going on with you otherwise?

Let's talk about your book. Yeah, sure. You published a book. I did, yeah. It's a history of Mint Records, a local music label here. The local music label famous for the likes of Nardwar and the Evaporators. Yeah, and the New Pornographers, Nico Case, the Pac-AD, a number of bands over 20 years.

It's their 20th anniversary. The Smugglers. The Smugglers, indeed. Yeah, the book is out. It's been reviewed. It's, you know, every once in a while somebody will... It's been reviewed. So, it's out of my hands?

Well, this is the thing that makes it real for you is when someone else reads it and writes about it and you read that. And then you're like, oh, yeah, it exists. It's a very strange transition from how the reviews been good they have been yeah yeah they've been very good there's only been one or two where somebody has been um kind of a butthole about it if i may use a common vernacular yeah i think a lot of people are using that yeah a lot of teens outside the 7-eleven called me a butthole last week yeah um yeah so it's uh i'm very happy i'm pleased i'm starting to think about the next one which is something that when the book first came out i did not want to do because it seemed like the worst it's very analogous to a relationship i would say like when you're in a relationship

and then you get out of one and you're like i hate everyone i don't want to be with anyone the end that's the greatest time right when you're out and you're just like fuck everybody yeah just let yourself go and you just yeah it's awesome you're like i'm gonna love me for a while or hate me probably a combo yeah i'm just gonna hate myself for a while sure um yeah so that i feel like that happens with a big creative project like a book as well. And then you kind of think you'll never love again, as it were. This is a good metaphor. Thank you. I'm a writer. I wrote a book. Is it right-tress when it's a woman?

No, it's fuck you. It's a writer. Oh, yeah, it's a lady writer. No, it's a right-tricks, guys. Authoress, I've heard. Yeah, author Oh, yeah. It's a lady writer. No, it's a right-tricks, guys. Authoress, I've heard. Yeah, authoress, sure. You know that sounds like a sea monster. An authoress, a giant squid. A manatee.

Yep. The big three. There's definitely days where you feel like a manatee when you're writing. Oh, yeah. And when you get out of a big relationship, yeah. Big time. Yeah, so I now just have started thinking feel like a manatee when you're writing oh yeah and when you get out of a big relationship yeah big time uh yeah so i've i now just have started thinking about another book again which i think means that everything's okay nice well it's uh i haven't finished reading it but i enjoy what i've read so far well thank you i'm thinking about reading another book again yeah yeah what was

the last book that you broke up with yeah Yeah. It was Caitlin Fontana's book. Oh, really? Yeah. What caused the breakup? You wanted to read other books? Natch. Natch, guys. That's what I just said.

Yeah, you did. Sure, for naturally. How do you feel about it? I'm all right with it. On the page, is it N-A-T-C-H? Yeah, 100%. No, isn't it a pot? Is it?

Oh, no, right, because it's naturally. Never mind. There's certain words that when you... I was thinking if you were trying to say snatch without saying the S. Yeah, 100%. No, isn't it a pot? Is it? Oh, no, right, because it's naturally. Never mind. There's certain words that when you... I was thinking if you were trying to say snatch without saying the S. Snatch. Naturally. There are certain words that when you try to abbreviate them,

when you abbreviate them, you know, orally with your mouth, not with your ears, it's easy, but when you try to write it down, like casual. Cash. Yeah, that's a hard one. C-A-Z-H. C-A-J. K-A-C-Z.

Cash. Polish. Yeah. Yeah. But how else would you pronounce that? Kags? No, you'd read it like cash. Yeah, these are things.

These are all options. You should start a Polish bar called cash and spell it that way. Yeah, I should start a Polish bar. Or like just a... You're always saying that, and you're not wrong. Nope.

Or like, you know how there's websites and apps for people who just want to hook up? Yeah. I think cash would be like just for Polish people who want to hook up. But we could also put Polish jokes in there. Well, and also sausage number one would be taken immediately as a screen name. Polish sausage or whatever.

It'd be like, no, don't even bother. Somebody's going to take that. Now, hang on. I want to hear a Polish joke. Well, what are some dumb Polish inventions? Or like not. Oh, a screen door on a submarine exactly uh uh solar powered uh uh light switch uh right or flashlight or light

switch uh ejection seat on a helicopter solar powered light switch close my mind uh so you need light to make it work so why would you turn the light on so in a polish dating app casual sex app yeah what would the the thing be it would be like you have to have sex with the phone or it's like, yeah, I don't know. Like, yeah, something. I'm going to workshop it. I'll get there. Thanks.

Let's all workshop it. Send in your ideas, listeners. Yep. For our new app, Kaj. K-A-S-Z? Oh, it's K-A-C-Z. C-Z, okay. Or Z, as Americans would call it. Okay.

The last letter of the year. What would the Polish call it? Uh, Zoro's something. I don't know anything about these Polish jokes or how they're constructed. Yeah, I'm a quarter Polish. Are you? Yeah. You should be a quarter invested in this, at least.

I am. I'm investing a quarter. a quarter invested in this at least i am i'm investing a quarter and uh i've never experienced any like no no one ever made fun of polish people uh not to your face well like nobody around in my life it was always like blonde jokes or like the they were the stand-in for dumb people and uh yeah yeah and now that ann coulter's around you can't do that anymore because she's so smart and blonde. She's a real game changer. Political. Yeah, see? We like to throw in a little, you know, just a quick... Something for everyone. Yeah, exactly. What are you, Graham? What's your background?

Irish. 100%? Yeah, I mean, I think there's a bit of French Canadian in there. There's a bit of English in there maybe, but predominantly, yeah, Irish. All right. Fontana. Fontana. Frank Fontana. Yeah.

Italiano. I'm half Murphy Brown. Half Murphy Brown, half Miles Silverberg. I wish. Oh, that means I'd be their baby. Oh, wow. Remember their baby? What?

They didn't have a baby, did they? Murphy Brown had a baby. Yeah, with the painter guy. Remember? No. Was it Elvin? Didn't she have a... No.

Did we know who fathered the child? I feel like it was the baby. The baby fathered the child. Whoa. Dimensions. That is barely legal. No, no. The baby wasn't so far. Whoa, dimensions. That is barely legal. No, no, the paint, wasn't it? No, the painter, they never had a relationship.

Okay, I don't know. He helped out. I don't remember a lot of Murphy Brown. I just remember I was like 10 when it was very popular, and it won the Best Comedy Emmy year after year after year. It is really well written. She was a steamroller, that Candice Bergen. Couldn't keep her down. But she had a kid, and it wasn't with Miles, because that was her boss.

And it wasn't with the painter, because that was her painter. And it wasn't with Frank Fontana or Jim Dial or Corky Sherwood Forrest. Are we sure about that? Who's the father of her baby? Did we ever find out? I don't think that that was ever a thing. Like, I don't think he was ever part of the show. Well, that show got in big trouble from...

Dan Quayle. Yeah, wasn't it? Was it Dan Quayle? Or somebody that said portraying a single mother on television was, like, scandalizing. Yeah, family values, et cetera. Well, he can't spell potato, so. Yeah, that was a big thing. Let's be careful about throwing our

stuff around here. Yeah, we're real 1991 in this conversation. Growing up, all the dumb jokes were either about blonde people or Dan Quayle. How many Dan Quayles does it take? Etc. Dave, what's going on with you?

Last weekend, I went to a laser show. Oh. It's the annual convention of laser eye surgeons come together and show their new wares. No, the planetarium, the local planetarium, the H.R. McMillan, the planetarium, the local planetarium. Is that a rap song? It is now. Planetarium, the local planetarium. That's not bad.

Yeah. Someone remix that. Yeah. By the way. After 33 years, they stopped putting on laser shows. Tonight is the last Laser Floyd and Zeppelin. And last week, I went to Laser Radiohead. My question is, why now?

Why not a decade ago? A guy who listens to the podcast met me at a show. And he said, oh, I put on these laser shows at the planetarium. It's my dad's company. We've done them for over 30 years. You should come to one. Why can't I go to a laser show? Well, you weren't there. That's true.

You had to be there. I probably should have invited you. I feel like a jerk. So, yeah. So we went and it is... Have you ever gone to one? Yeah. My 19th year was pretty much spent there when I first moved to Vancouver.

And I did lots of mushrooms and went to the planetarium for laser shows. From the 7-Eleven parking lot to the planetarium. Small steps. The Caitlin Fontana story. Baby steps. The planetarium. The Vancouver planetarium. The planetarium.

The planetarium. The local planetarium? The local planetarium. There's one in every neighborhood. Every neighborhood has its local planetarium? The local planetarium. There's one in every neighborhood. Give or take. Because it's local planetarium. Contact your local planetarium. I went once when I was 1998.

I was 17. And I went and saw Laser Modern Rock. I remember there were some Beastie Boys. Was there a lot of Strokes in there? No, it was pre-Strokes. This was the era of maybe Marcy Playground. Oh yeah.

I saw Laser Floyd and Laser... I want to say Laser Green Day was a thing at some point. It certainly was, yeah. Yeah, it was right. And Laser Radiohead, I think, is pretty... As far as modern bands go, they're, you know, quite psychedelic or, like...

Sure. Yeah, I guess. Spacey. Yeah, and there were some good parts to it, but, like, there were times when I was like, oh, I really... Like, the lasers were doing one thing, and I was like, I really need to put myself in the head of someone who does drugs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, you sure do. I can't focus on this one thing. I have to be like, oh, this overall experience is crazy. And there actually were some really good ones, but, like, mostly the, like, really, there was one song where they just put the stars up in the sky.

What song? The Star Spangled Banner. By Radiohead. It was one of the newer ones. Like one of the... B-side? After they threw away guitars and never played guitars again. One of those ones.

And it was like you were just looking at the sky for like half the song. I was like, hey, that was really nice. I really enjoyed that. It seems exclusively that this is an event that would have been enjoyed by little kids and by high adults. That seems to be the, like, who else would be there? Not people who are interested in science. Maybe people who really like Radiohead? I'm trying to think of the Venn diagrams here.

Who is at this show? Who did you observe that was at this show? Oh, well, there were, like... Oh, drug people. Okay, mostly drug people. Because we got there half an hour early. Everything's not like thought. We were waiting there. But then but then occasionally throughout the show the

usher would let in a couple more people who showed up late and they were without question every time you would just get a cloud of pot smell around them uh and as we were leaving we heard someone complaining that some people came and sat next to them. They showed up late and then they made out through the whole thing. Oh, hot. Gross. It is pretty gross. But it's one of those sex bucket list things.

Make out at a planetarium. Sex bucket. That's the name of the rapper who does the song about planetariums. Oh yeah, your local planetarium. My sex bucket. That's the name of the rapper who does the song about planetariums. Oh, yeah. Your local planetarium. My sex bucket. But, yeah. All together, it was a fun night.

But there were just... There were a few, like, kaleidoscope-y things that I enjoyed. And one time where it looked like the Northern Lights. And then sometimes there was just like, it was too much brightness and flashing, but it's a good show. If you can go back in time and go to it, I recommend it.

Yeah. Wow. I feel like I only went to the, I might've gone to the Radiohead one. I think I might've, for sure I went to the Pink Floyd one and I feel like that's the most appropriate for a laser show. I think you're right.

Everything else is just a little bit not correct. Like there's a Led Zeppelin one. The Green Day one wasn't correct. Yeah, no, that's completely incorrect in my opinion. I know beef against Green Day, but it's just those two things don't go together. Yeah, I think it's something that people just you go once and then you kind of take it

for granted, but you go again. If you have a local laser planetarium show in your town, I want to keep the laser industry alive. Sure. Oh, no, don't worry. The laser people are going to be fine. They're going to go laser other things. They don't need to just stay at planetariums. They can laser your local

library. A hospital. They can work for villains. Yeah. They can work for villains. They can point a laser at, you know, the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, or at a pilot trying to land a plane. Or between James Bond's legs really slowly. Yeah, yeah. There's all sorts of things.

Lasers are, it's a real growing, it's a growth industry. And the other thing that I got up to this week is I started watching a TV show called Homeland. Oh, yeah. Are either of you familiar with it? Indeed. Claire Danes. It's of you familiar with it? Indeed. Claire Danes. It's canon, right, from my so-called life? It's Claire Danes' character.

It's the same character. She plays Jordan Catalano. Yeah. She's all grown up, and she's a crazy. Have you watched it? I watched clips of it during the Golden Close. I just saw the first episode. Yeah, the first episode is intriguing, but there's one thing I. I just saw the first episode. The first episode is intriguing,

but there's one thing I don't like about the first episode. We watched about six episodes, and in the first episode, they sort of like... She's a bit of a crazy person. She has to take crazy pills. But not to make her crazy.

No, to un-crazy her. Anti-crazy pills. There's a couple parts in the first episode where, like, to comfort herself, she listens to jazz music. And the opening theme is, like, jazz music. And you're like, uh-oh. Instead of making this person interesting, they're just going to make her listen to jazz music. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, she's so complicated. She sits there with an iPod and listens to someone scatting.

So were you afraid that this was a show about a lady who loves jazz? Yes, I was. But I continued watching it. And there's no more jazz in it. It was just episode one. Okay, good to know. She meets a guy at a jazz bar And listens to jazz on an iPod Do they even make mp3s of jazz?

Yes Let me answer that question Yes, they make mp3s of everything It's about her She's come home from a war Or she is the war She plays the war She's a CIA agent There's a the war. She's a CIA agent.

There's a war inside of her. Yeah. That only jazz can quell. Yeah. It's Heart's War, starring Bruce Willis. That's her heart. I don't know what that is. Oh, is that a...

It was a movie. Okay. Sure. No, she's a CIA agent, and then antics ensue. Oh, yeah. She's a CIA agent who may or may not be crazy. Oh, okay. That sounds like a pretty good premise.

It's a better premise than Californication, I think. If I had to pick one or the other, I think it's a better premise than Californication. Oh, yeah, and also she needs to do something illegal to support her family. Isn't that every cable show? Yeah. She has to weed some illegal to support her family. Isn't that every cable show? Yeah. Yeah.

She has to weeds some Breaking Bad and then watch Hung. And Pan Am? No? I don't know. Pan Am? So that was my week. Big one. Yeah, big one.

Like it. Well done. I like it. You, Graham? I watched Real Steel, finally. Oh, how was that? The Hugh Jackman robot boxing movie Are there lasers?

Yeah there's tons of lasers in it It is I wish you guys had seen it But I think you will based on my analysis It is by turns Fantastic When the robots fight And the dumbest movie I've ever seen

Whenever robots aren't on screen It's the dumbest movie i've ever seen whenever robots aren't on screen it's the dumbest movie ever made okay i love it so what era does it take place this is this is what is particularly funny about the movie is it takes place in the future they don't specifically say how far in the future but you can gauge it's like in an alternate timeline it's like 25 or 30 years from now okay because they keep saying like back in 2014 he fought this or whatever so uh but the only advancements in technology seem to be robot fighting everybody threw everything into that yeah cars are the same phones are pretty much the same computers are like one generation from what they're at now. The part that troubled me in the

trailer for the movie is why are these robots not super soldiers? Why are we using them for something as frivolous as boxing? They tried to explain it away. What's the fancy word for boxing? Punch-em-ups? The sweet science? Oh, you're talking They tried to explain it away. What's the fancy word for boxing?

Punch-a-mops? The sweet science? Oh, you're talking... Pugilism. Oh, punch-a-mops. Punch-a-mops. Okay, they explain it away in one sentence. Hugh Jackman says, you know, Oh, the evolution of boxing.

It was boxing and then it was MMA. This is my Hugh Jackman impression. And then it wasn't enough for people. So then they brought in these robots. You sound like a surfer John Lennon. So they don't really explain why there are these robots that fight, but it's the biggest event on Earth. People love these robots that fight. Wow. And biggest event on earth people love these robots that fight

wow and uh hugh jackman's like a guy used to be the best right at human fighting he was a good human fighter and then he was really good uh robot control guy are the robots controlled yes or they're not just programmed no they have to be controlled live during the fight by whoever has the controls or whatever super soldiers uh he's so he's taking around old broken down robots from town to town at the first scene is a robot fighting a bull and then uh this sounds amazing there's a scene where he fights a robot that's made up of all different robots and the robots have to be humanoid robots they have to have arms and legs yeah Yeah, yeah.

They can't be a ball robot? No, no. Because that was explained somehow as well. I guess they're... Is that automatons? They're not automatons, though. They have to be controlled. Okay, sorry.

What differentiates... What makes it, like, humanoid? Is it humanoid? Yeah. Did I use that right? Yeah. No. Okay.

But there's a couple things in it. Hawkezoid. They have, you know, they have ring girls in between rounds, right? And I don't understand why they're so much futuristic about the ring girls, because they're holding up ring cards that are like 3D hologram ring cards. And also, they're dressed kind of like robots. And I don't understand who that's supposed to be. Because robots aren't watching the fights.

They're robot spectators. Do you remember the George Michael video? Was it too sexy? With all the models walking down the runway? Oh, yeah. And there was one model who was wearing a C-3PO costume. Yeah, this is what the ring girl looks like. And it doesn't make sense. Like the sexy robot from metropolis yeah yeah so or have you been to

the library here lately uh for the laser show yeah the uh at the mount pleasant branch library there's a big sign when you walk into the library saying that the library is trying to upgrade its services basically to step into the future, and you can give them feedback. But the graphic that they've chosen to go with this is a super sexy, like, bionic woman. That's awesome, yeah. Really getting our attention there. Like, boobs forward.

Wow. Like, robot lady. You can rent movies here. Kind of. That's the name of the robot, boobs forward. Boobs forward. That also kind of looks like that robot that from the commercial we were growing up about how, you know, when he falls into the thing. Oh, Astar.

Astar, thank you. Astar would have had his whole body mangled by these real steel robots. I feel like I have probably put Astar in so many of our episode recaps. Astar is... Astar's come up a lot? Yeah. Yeah. He was a...

Monthly, I would say. A robot who taught kids not to... Jump into giant saws. Yeah, not to saw their arm off, basically. Not to jump into machinery. Yeah. He would be flipping through... And yet, kids still continue.

But if you watch Astar, the commercial for Astar... Now I'm going to have to post it. Because they redid it. They did a new Astar, the commercial for Astar, now I'm going to have to post it. Because they redid it. They did a new Astar one where he's, like, they did it, like, five years ago. Really? He's in this weird, you know, cyberspace thing. And it doesn't look as good as, like, the one from the 80s is amazing.

And scary. Yeah. He's this robot jumping through a world of saws. Yeah. His arm gets chopped off and he says, and he puts it back on, and he says, I am Astar, a robot. I can put my arm back on. You can't, so play safe.

Keep fit and have fun. A part of our heritage. That's basically the premise of Real Steel. Well, that's all you had to say. It's a real Astar vehicle. Without spoiling real steel there's no way for me to I'll spoil this for you

it's two hours long everything is it's crazy though because you get to I got to the hour point and I stopped it and I was like you know I was kind of just doing mental math like do I have enough time to go out is the grocery store still going to be open?

Whatever. And then I was like, an hour left? Are you going to be shitting me? Amazing. Oh, and the kid in it is terrible. Terrible. I hate to be mean to kid actors, but come on. There's probably a lot of really good kid actors out there.

Macaulay Culkin's little brother. Or the next generation of that. They're not that little anymore, those Culkins. But there's got to be a young Culkin somewhere in the family line that's got the juice, right? I don't know. No? The Culkin family is kind of like our Jackson family. Like, they're... What do you mean by our?

Our generation. Oh, it's like our... They're actually our age. It's not like you can't assume that there's always a baby Kulkin but it seems like there should be

because they were little when we were little yeah the Kulkin 5 yeah the Kulkin 5 are there any well no there are no

future Kulkins because they I think we sterilized them oh that's right that was very controversial at the time here's another thing

most people were in favor of it my question before you go on. In Real Steel, are there any jokes, I love this with robots, of a robot scratching his butt or doing something human? Well, yeah, without giving away all the whole plot. Like Hugh Jackman is controlling it. You know that scene in Naked Gun where he still has the microphone on and he goes to the bathroom?

Oh no, there's nothing where Hugh Jackman goes and jerks off and the robot is jerking off in front of a bunch of eighth graders. Grandmothers. Yeah, whatever's the most inappropriate. No, actually there is in the opening scene. Is him jacking off as a robot. He has sex with the bull. He gets distracted by a lady in the stands, and then the robot also is talking to the lady in the stands,

and that's when the bull sticks his horn in the robot's butt. Thank you. Oh, my God. I want to see it. Yeah, it's pretty great. I want to see the first scene Somebody should just edit All the robot Scenes together

And that's all Anybody really wants to see In the world Yeah Yeah Yeah All the robot scenes Somebody get to work on that

All the great robot scenes That have ever existed There you go Plus a photo Of this sexy robot From the library Sexy librarian robot Yeah

And Astar. What else was I going to say? Oh, this past week, for the first time ever, I tried Absinthe. What? Yeah. Is there anybody else? The real Absinthe with the crazy... Pouring device?

Yeah, yeah. No, that's not what I was going to say, but yes. Because there's a real kind that's from europe that is illegal i think to have that no this was uh wood or something in it yeah this has wormwood in it but it's not illegal here i think it's america america it's illegal really i don't know i don't know liquor laws when i was in uh denmark uh uh over christmas um i was offered some and and uh by a person on the street but by a wizard it was it smelled too licoricey and i was like i'm not i'm i'm not in the mood for this i i feel like i'm getting sick as it is it really uh

really numbs your face i was that's the thing i was surprised how much did you have i had enough uh you know whatever but it's like a complicated, you have to pour it over sugar and it's on fire. They light on a fire. Does it start off a certain color and then it turns milky? I don't remember that. Was it supposed to turn milky? That's the one that I saw poured in Denmark. Ooh.

Maybe we did it wrong. I don't know know i think there's more than one way to skin an absinthe yeah yeah what was the occasion upon which it was a uh it was a birthday party and somebody had bought like it was to lose the tracks birthday party yeah you were like yeah well if this little french guy wants me to drink this. It's the 1920s, so I bet. Yeah, I also said I'd give a shout-out to Toulouse-Lautrec, so thank you for doing that. Messy! That's a thing that seems to happen every time there's an article about Absinthe.

It's like, it was the favorite drink of these crazy people. Here's a list of tragic heroes. Yeah. But yeah, it's very It tastes like This is another shot in the dark It tastes like moonshine Has anybody had any

Homemade I've had screech Isn't that the same? I think it's worse It's like homemade, made in a bathtub somewhere Yeah, screech is like from Newfoundland It's really harsh, basically it's rubbing somewhere. Yeah, Screech is like from Newfoundland. It's really harsh. Basically, it's rubbing alcohol when you drink it.

Yeah. Or do you? Well, you... I don't. It's a choice you make, for sure. But yeah, anyways, it's like I can see why it's very... It's a very fancy drink to have because you pour it, it goes over the thing and it's got like a... Yeah, there's like a dagger spoon and you pour it and it goes over the thing and it's got like yeah there's like a dagger spoon

and you pour it and you light it on fire but then all it does all it seems to do is just it made my face numb it didn't i didn't feel like i was drunk uh and it gave me a horrible headache the next day so why was that so great to lose the trek i don't think anyone is saying it's great. I think they're saying it's crazy. It's sort of like, I don't know, heroin. Oh, yeah, but people say heroin's really great. Well, the first time. Yeah, well, then you're chasing the dragon. Yeah, I can understand why they use that expression, chasing a dragon, because that's probably really fun to chase a dragon around.

Until he knows you're behind him, and then he blows fire at you. So yeah, that was my week that was. Got to see some real steel, finally. Why didn't I go see that in the theater? It seems like something I would go see in the theater. You were going through a rough patch.

Yeah, that's true. You were doing a lot of heroin at the time. I was chasing a robot dragon. You know, Graham, you may be the only human in the world that this week watched Real Steel and had absinthe. Prove Caitlin wrong. Write into us at stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com. I bet you somebody did it. There was an overlapping.

Somebody had some absinthe and then said, let's watch Real Steel again. What if Hugh Jackman was the only other person who did it? Just a chronic absinthe and then said, let's watch Real Steel again. What if Hugh Jackman was the only other person who did that? Just a chronic absinthe drinker. Why is Hugh Jackman, aside from being like, he's a good looking guy, why is he a movie star? I don't, because in that movie, he doesn't have any though, does he? I've seen him have a great deal of charisma. Yeah, he looks enough like Wolverine that he could play Wolverine. What has he done that was movie star-ish before or after that?

Real Steel. He was the lead in that, and I don't know why. Well, he saved the musical. Oh, that's true. What musical was he in? He was in the Oscars. He proclaimed the musical is back. Right.

And then he gave everyone the finger what what movie was he charming in um i'm kind of embarrassed to say no no go ahead go ahead i think it's called kate and leopold oh yeah yeah movie with big ryan yeah where he's like from the 1700s and he comes up with a butter commercial for her or something yeah yeah he charms her and becomes a butter spokesperson. He did have... He had to make a choice. He was like, do I save the musical... Or butter.

Or I can either save the musical or Meg Ryan's career. And he saved the musical and ruined Meg Ryan's career. That was the choice that he was given. When you're in new york are you gonna go see his one-man show no i thought about it i may usually when i'm here you turn real steel

into a one-man show yeah i mean because the robots aren't technically men oh dear uh no i usually end up going to one weird rush ticket situation during the middle of the day so that could end up being that one last time i saw a be handing in spokane which was a play that had christopher walken and kevin pollack no no no no actually amazing actor that whose name escapes me at the moment but duncan hines yeah it was duncan hines uhcribe his face. Sam Rockwell is who I'm thinking of. Oh, okay. Sam Rockwell! Describe his face.

Sam Rockwell kind of face. Oh, Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken in a play together was very odd and amazing. Rockin' and walkin'. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I hadn't slept for over 24 hours, so it was a very weird experience. That's the best way to see a play. Yeah, definitely.

With your eyes closed sleeping because you're so tired. And bored. Oh, we love the theater. Yeah, apparently. Dave, do you want to move on to Overheard? Why not? Overheard. Overheard.

Overheard. Things overheard in your daily life, Or, you know, a weekend life. Doesn't have to be your daily workaday life, right? Could be on a weekend. Could be on a holiday. Vacay-sh, yeah. Sure. How would you spell vacay-sh?

V-A-C-A-S-H-E. Vacay-sh. It's like vacash. Yeah. Well, you asked me how to spell it. It's not my fault that's how it's spelled. There should be a Y in there. Yeah, vay. Two Ys. be a Y in there. Yeah, Vay.

Two Ys. Vay-case. Yeah. Vay-case. We always like to start with the guest. But before that, I want to interrupt with another segment called Celebrity Birthdays. But before that, I want to interrupt with a segment that I came up with called Hulk Hogan News. Because last week...

Last week you talked about how Hulk Hogan wanted to shave his mustache so he can get movie roles. And this week you sent me a piece of... I already forgot what it is. You sent me a piece of information that was just new on a music blog site. Oh, I know what it is, yeah. That, yeah, Hulk Hogan was possibly one of the original members of Metallica. Yeah.

Amazing. Yeah. Enter the Sandman, brother. Yeah, that's the exact thing. That's the exact headline. Yeah. That you should use. The song, I believe, is just Enter Sandman.

Yeah, it's true. No, he would have changed it. Let's make it more aggressive. That's why it's not in it now. Anyways, I just wanted to share some Hulk Hogan news. Oh, you were saying about Celebrity Birthdays? And to answer your question, bass. He would have played bass.

Shirtless. Here's the Celebrity Birthdays. This is a segment that we do every week. We still haven't received any feedback on it, which is weird. It is kind of weird, because usually at some point even somebody would just write in to say, Hey, stop asking for feedback. We haven't even got that. No, no one has said a peep.

But celebrating a celebrity birthday today. Backstreet Boy and train wreck Nick Carter is here. Oh, he's here. Please. Caitlin, we know that you used to have a crush on Nick Carter. No, I was a Howie Durow girl. I was. That's an honest answer.

Wow, that's like, you really were being reasonable. Yeah. Which one was Howie? Did he have blonde? He was the greasiest. Yeah, he was real greasy. He had greasy, curly hair. He was half Irishasiest. Yeah, he was real greasy. He had greasy curly hair. He's half Irish, half Spanish.

That's a guy who drinks his booze out of a piñata. No, wait, that's Mexican, not Spanish. Yeah, my parents are Irish and Spanish, so we had a lot of tapas and a lot of... Potatoes. Patas.

Thank you. Patas. Patatas. Thank you. Group effort. Group effort. Dave's dying of failing. Yeah. No, that's really, like, I'm very fascinated by girls who were like, I'm super into the Backstreet Boys.

I don't want to get my hopes up. I want to get someone attainable from the Backstreet Boys. Yeah, totally. That's exactly what it was. For me, it was that I was within, at that time, a friend group of very popular girls, and I was one of the least popular in that group, so it was a hierarchical choice. Somebody chose Brian Luttrell.

Somebody chose Nick. Outside the 7-Eleven, they would make you stand guard. So Nick is the only one I remember. Ryan. Short. Yeah, B-Rock. B-Rock. Brian Baitano. Yeah. Nick Carter. Kevin Frank. Kevin had kind of a fake mustache. Kevin Richardson. short yeah B-Rock B-Rock Brideway Towno yeah Kevin Kevin Frank

Kevin had kind of a fake mustache Kevin Richardson he was older than them well I remember him yeah he's Bride's cousin AJ McClain

had weird facial hair always yeah and sunglasses and like oh he was balding almost balding

yes and he maybe had a drug problem perhaps I think he was a sex addict I think he was balding. Almost balding, yeah. Yes! And he maybe had a drug problem? I think he was a sex addict. I think he was addicted to sexing drugs. Right. And then Howie. And then Howie was, you know, left over.

He was a sensible one. I was future projecting because he always talked about how he had, you know, invested in real estate and stuff like that. Oh, no. He's reasonable. That makes a teen girl's heart beat faster. Did you know the Backstreet Boys are the most successful of any of those artists from that era? From the post-Spice Girls era? I kind of feel like there are Jackson 5. Despite what Caitlin said earlier.

No, I'm single Culkins. The Culkin 2. So that's the first celebrity birthday. Elijah Wood. Actor, Hobbit, etc. Yeah. I think he owns a record label. He does. I think he probably owns a restaurant as well.

31 today. Oh, by the way. Doesn't look a day over 12. We are recording this on the 28th, Saturday the 28th of January. Happy New Year to all our Chinese listeners. Have you seen the... Elijah Wood has a TV show on FX with a man in a dog costume. Wilfred.

Jinx owe me a pop. Really? What kind of pop? Dr. Pepper. Diet or regular? Regular. There's a diet one in the fridge. I don't want it.

I've seen the... Taste the same. I had seen ads for this show, Wilfred, like posters for it. Yeah, where the guy's dog is licking Elijah Woods' face. Maybe. Yeah. And then I saw an actual televised ad for it. And I thought, oh, this looks terrible.

And then I saw an actual ad for it, and's australian and so i hate it even more and i can't justify why the dog is australian yeah i can't justify why i hate it so much more i don't remember the dog being australian he's got an accent uh there was i was standing at a bus stop and there was a very old guy and the bus pulled up and it had that poster for wilfred on the side where the dog in the guy in the dog costume is licking Elijah Wood's face. And the old guy had this look of disgust on his face. It was a million dollar look, just like, this is what's on the side of bus now? Yeah, in my day it was Carrie Bradshaw with a penis drawn near her.

Sex and the City, y'all. Former NSYNC member and attainable member of NSYNC, Joey Fatone is 35 today. Fatone is definitely the Howie Durow of NSYNC. Well, Chris Kirkpatrick. Yeah, the guy with the dread hair. Is that Chris Kirkpatrick? No, he's the AJ.

Oh, but he's... Anyway. We could argue about this all day. But he's... Anyway. We could argue about this all day. Lilith Fair, starter and dog crusader. Sarah McLachlan is 44 today. Dog crusader.

I don't come up with the title. Dog crusades are brutal. Can we all agree? Trying to Christianize all those dogs was a real thing. The dog inquisition was adorable, though, guys. You want to do it. Yeah, you do it. And the answer to this week's

trivia question. This French president is known to his friends as Sark Dog. Sark Dog Radio. Nicolas Sarkozy is 57. Oh, congratulations. Was he an attainable French president as they go?

Or was he kind of the Nick Carter of French presidents? He's no Francois Mitterrand. No, that's true. But he's more attainable than, say, a Charles de Gaulle. Yeah. No, he was definitely the Justin Timberlake of the Jackal. The Jackal tried to get him on the day. On that one day.

That one day. The day that Ice Cube wrote that song. That was off air. Oh, was it? Yes. Graham's calling back. That was a good callback. It was a really good one.

Now, Caitlin. Yes, sir. We like to start with the guest when it comes to overheards. I assume that you've come armed and ready. I am, locked and loaded. Armed and ready. I am. Locked and loaded. Armed and fabulous. Reeled and steeled. Who was armed and fabulous?

Missed ingeniality too? Maybe. I'm not sure. Mine is both an overheard and a joke that you're more than welcome to spread around. I live near a park and so often there are families walking by. And if I'm sitting peacefully in my house, I could hear snippets of kid conversation, which is the best. And one day,

a mom and a boy were walking by. And the little boy was like, Mom, Mom, I got a joke. The mom was like, okay, like, it was probably the 500th joke he told that day. It was probably the same joke he told 500 times. Oh, maybe. Who knows? She was just like exasperated. And I didn't look at them, so I still don't know what they look like, but I have a picture

of them in my head. But I just heard him say, what do you call a boob tornado? And she said... Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Just so you can guess. A titster? Is it a titster? No, I know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is. Do you? Yeah. But I don't want to spoil it.

Okay. And his mom was just like, oh, what? He's like, a teddy twister. Teddy twister. Yeah. Great. Great work, kid. But the best part about it was she was like, where did you hear that?

And he's like, what? Where did you hear that joke? He's like, I made it up. Where did you hear that joke? He's like, I made it up. You should sign that kid to a 20-year deal if he's making up Titty Twister. That's great. You got the goods.

Moms are never the best audience for that kind of thing. No, definitely not. What is it, a tornado of boobs? A boob tornado. A boob tornado. You call it, yeah, a titty twister. Oh, man.

I just like thinking about that. What do you call a boob tornado? Like it exists in the world. Yeah. A monstrosity. A miracle. Or like a monstrosity. Yeah, it could be a monstrosity. Dave, do you have it overheard?

Yeah. Local music store, HMV, went out of business recently. Her Majesty's Videos. Nope. His Master's Voice. And it, I mean, it's not local, it's international, but the local one went out of business. I think the whole company is going to stay open. That would explain why the going out of business sale had prices slashed by 10%. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, they're somehow going to... Real markdown. I bought a clock there that I gave away at that Christmas party. Oh, gift swap, yeah. It was a Slipknot clock. Perfect. It was four days before they were going out of business

and they were making a big deal about it. There were guys on the streets wearing sandwich boards pointing you in the way of this music store and DVDs and stuff. And I went in there and there's a guy like nothing was really on sale they had a bunch of seasons of everybody loves raymond on sale and they had this they had way too many dvds about canada's olympic gold win in hockey on sale uh but everything else was basically 10 off maybe and maybe. And they had...

Everybody loves Raymond. What time of day could you turn on the TV without seeing everybody love Raymond? And I just saw this employee who was totally flustered and had been with a customer and they had interrupted him. And then he was just getting back to what he was doing. And I just heard him say, okay, where was I? Nurse Jackie season. Oh boy. Oh wow.

Love it. Uh, what was your favorite season of everybody loves Raymond? Oh, season four. Yeah. Oh, that was,

I don't know. They, they, uh, jumped the shark when Greg joined the cast and the wacky neighbor. I've never seen an episode of Revealed in Training. When Greg joined. From Darman Greg, when he joined the cast.

Yeah, from NCIS. No, Criminal Minds. Criminal Minds, get it right. Sorry. Know your procedurals, Dave. Yeah. Pardon me. I'm writing a spec.

I just keep changing the names of all the characters. But they're crossovers, so it's like Lenny Briscoe with Briscoe County Jr. Yeah, yeah. Whatever that is. Is that a country western show? I believe so. Was Don Johnson on it? Oh, man. Okay, you. okay you uh i was shopping at a value village for prizes that i gave away at the um the first laugh gallery at the havana theater which was sold out and thank you to everybody who came that was a lot of fun lovely uh and i was trying on uh some clothing some secondhand clothing in

the change room and uh the person next to me was i i don't know if they were a couple or a brother and sister i couldn't figure out the dynamic but there was a guy trying on pants and the woman uh kept berating him to try on this one pair of garment that i couldn't see she's like just try them on and he's like oh you know how i feel about them and uh she's like no but i think these are gonna work for you and he's like i'm gonna try them on. And he's like, oh, you know how I feel about them. And she's like, no, but I think these are going to work for you. And he's like, I'm going to try them on, but you know I'm going to hate them. And she goes, I know. You've never had any luck with shorts. This guy his whole life.

They sounded like they were middle-aged, too. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Like they weren't young. He just, man, he'd had a hard time. Oh, I love middle-aged, too. Yeah. So it's like... Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Like they weren't young. He just... Man, he'd had a hard time. Oh, I love middle-aged brother and sister possibility. Yeah. I think it was a brother and sister because there's no way...

I don't feel like a wife would be corralling somebody so hard to wear shorts when obviously this guy is not good. He's not good in shorts. Yeah. But it's a sister. She doesn't have to... Unless they live together still. There's all sorts of possibilities.

Aw, I love them. Yeah, they were great they were great uh the only thing it wasn't great was i i realized i gotta get into some sort of shape that's what i realized from that visit to the oval yeah i got to get in a less ovular egg like uh humpty dumpty shape into more like what a man is shaped like. Sure. Now, was that because of how you felt trying clothes on or because of that conversation that you heard? Neither, because I have one mirror in my house and it only goes to about my upper chest. So I haven't seen the lower 48 for some time. What do you mean?

Oh, it goes down to your lower chest. Yeah, like it's only a bathroom mirror. That's the only mirror. I don't have like a full length mirror. Oh, okay. I thought you were describing one that goes up to your chest. Like I only see that and not my face? Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, you've aged. I see myself. Who knew? What happened? I just heard a big bang. Theory. Guys, in addition to overheards that we have ourselves, we also let you write us in overheards. Is that a sentence?

No, it is. It's a sentence. I mean, at least it felt like it was a sentence. I've heard better. Syntax error. Yeah, but you're a writer. You wrote a book. That's not fair.

Meh. it was a sentence. I've heard better. Yeah, but you're a writer. You wrote a book. That's not fair. We can't be judged by your awesome level of writer-ness. What do you call it when somebody writes something? Oh, you failed. Nope. Nope. Nope. Dave? Dave's gonna save it. If you want to write in to us,

our email number is 48225734 at CompuServe.com. It is. Tell them what it really is. Stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. Okay. Now, this first one, this is an overseen, sent in actually by a friend of mine, Christina G.

This is overseen at the Superstore in Vancouver. This is a thing hanging from the ceiling that describes what is in this aisle of the supermarket. So you have your aisles that are broke down by you, you have your cereals, your breads, your whatever. Baking needs, rice. This one starts with... Say stuff.

Asian. This is where... Oh, did I ruin it? No, not at all. It's got world foods, soup, international juices, Asian sauce, and envelope gravy. Envelope gravy. Yeah. Well, I know what they mean by it. But it's funny, the idea. Yeah. That sounds like a... Well, I know what they mean by it. But it's funny, the idea of opening up an envelope with a letter opener and gravy just pouring out of it.

But it sounds like... Happy Thanksgiving! It sounds like some gross euphemism for... Your grandma sent you gravy for Thanksgiving. In the mail. Sounds like something maybe the Jerky Boys would say. Yeah, you over there making envelope gravy. The Jerky Boys?

Yeah, they make phone calls. I know they do. I know who the Jerky Boys are. Jerky Boys calling. You're about to get pranked. Yeah. Please hold. Hello, Chumpy.

Do they call people Chumpy? They do now. The Chumpy Boys? Hello, chumpy. Do they call people chumpy? Do you now? The chumpy boys? All right. This is from Clay K. Clay K. Overheard at the DMV in Los Angeles. A guy in a mechanics uniform talking at an uncomfortable-looking older Chinese woman.

Oh, no. This isn't the part I want. I want the second part. This is the same guy, but later on, he's on the phone. She was uncomfortably Chinese. She's uncomfortably Chinese. This is the same guy on the phone. A few minutes later, he's asking,

Is Denise asleep? Wake that fat bitch up. Kidding. Don't tell her I said that. Rita, you know you got beautiful kids. Perfect. Don't tell her. That's really a...

Like a 180. Yeah. If you're talking about someone's kid, don't call them a fat bitch under any circumstances. Yeah, exactly. That's one of the rules. I don't know a lot about, you know, talking to people who have kids, but I know that's one of the top three rules.

Where's the little fat bitch at? Yeah, I love that idea, too, that maybe he's, like, a new boyfriend of this woman. Yeah, yeah. He's trying to, like, endearear himself so he's making just the worst jokes accidentally yeah no but seriously don't tell her i said that yeah she's always talking about how funny her last boyfriend was and so he's trying to yeah um now i'm more of like uh me like an insult comedian my last boyfriend was a jerky boy so you really have to you gotta outdo yourself.

Make an envelope gravy over here. Hey, you got an envelope of gravy? You bet you do. Now we've got this overheard. This is a long one, and I'm gonna employ Dave's acting skills to be the other half of this, because it's a back and forth dialogue journey. Unless Caitlin Fontana wants to act. Whatever you guys want. It's your show.

Dave? Sure. There's a female character in it. Oh, great. Yeah. You can be lady. I'll be clerk. Okay.

Can I do that? Am I first? Yeah. Well, let me just explain. Let me set it up. This is while waiting in the queue, which is British for lineup, for the customer service desk at TK Maxx, which is the British name for the American retailer TJ Maxx. Why? According to Wikipedia, they were trying to avoid confusing customers with local discount retail TJ Hughes, which I've never heard of.

Well, the letter J in Britain means fanny. This is the essence of the conversation that went on in front of me. I didn't hear every word, but I filled in the gaps based on wild gestures. Wait, now do I have to do a British accent? No, oh, I mean...

Uh-oh. I would like to return these jeans, because the button came off them. We can't accept these as they've been worn. No, they haven't. The button just came off. Do you have the button? Here you go. This doesn't look like the right button. It doesn't match the others.

It doesn't matter. This is unacceptable. I just want to return them. But they've been worn. No, they haven't. They're brand new. There's a cigarette in the pocket. That must have been there when I bought them. We wouldn't sell you jeans with a cigarette in the pocket. Well, you must have done. Don't you think if I was going to return these after wearing them that I would have checked the pockets? I didn't check the pockets when I bought them either. I never check the pockets of the clothes I buy. We wouldn't sell you jeans with a cigarette in the pocket. My son doesn't even smoke, so it couldn't be his. I'm afraid we can't take these back. I want to speak to someone about this. You're going to have

to call customer services. And where are they? They're on the phone. You're going to have to talk to them. But that's unacceptable. It's the last day I can return these according to the receipt. I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. I'm not leaving. I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do. You need to call customer services. In bracket, lady leaves. The end.

Pretty great. Caitlin Fontana. I think we just won a BAFTA. Yeah, I love theater. That was good. That was like an old radio play. Yeah, I liked it. If there was, you know, some closing doors. The was good. That was like an old radio play. Yeah, I liked it. If there was, you know, some closing doors. The cash register. Someone shaking a cookie sheet.

Yeah, it was really an episode of Are You Being Served? They just transcribed. But you guys had some pretty upper crust accents. Thank you. Upper crust for TK Maxx. No, TK Maxx is... What is TJ Maxx?

I don't even know what that is. Is it a... It's like a Winners. Oh. Yeah. Winners, where you can buy... I like to return these pants. We can do it again.

You want to do it again? Yeah. Now, Dave, we also have phoned in overheard. What? Oh, if you want to be somebody who calls us via telephonics, you can call us at 206-339-8328, like these people did. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Laura calling from Chicago with an overheard to be filed under the kids save the darndest category. I was in the grocery store, and a little girl was in the shopping cart with her mom eating some Cheerios out of a little Ziploc container.

And all of a sudden the container tipped over and the Cheerios got all over the floor. And the girl looked at her mom and said, oh, mom, I just threw up. It's pretty good. And then she turned to me and said, sorry, lady. I love that kid. Yeah, the darndest. Yeah, one of the darndest Yeah Super darndest One of the darndest kids ever

She and Titty Twister should get together Oh yeah Go on the road Nah, Titty Twister would just make Corrupt That other That Titty Twister He knows what he's up to

What do you call a scrotum meal? A sack lunch There's a million of them Yeah, there's a million of them yeah there's a million of them oh man kid jokes hello Dave and Graham and guest or not I'm happy

either way this is Katie calling from Vancouver with an overseen I was walking down Main Street the other day and graffiti on the side of a wall was the phrase I love salsa. Oh! Not bad! I love salsa. You gotta, if you

don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. I think more graffiti should be in the realm of, you know, friendly. Friendly conversation starters. You know, so that other graffitos can come by and write their opinions about salsa. I only like mild because of my ulcer.

Somebody could write underneath that. Now, is it the food or the dance, though? The food. Why did I assume it was the food? It's the food. No one likes the dance. No, but don't some people? Don't the people that were in that movie Dirty Dancing?

Yeah, or the salsa is something they do on Dancing with the Stars. Sure. Oh, so people, maybe that's their they do on Dancing with the Stars. Sure. Oh, so people, maybe that's their favorite night on Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. Sit down with some old El Paso, turn on Dancing with the Stars. Old El Paso, is that an international company? I think it's based in El Paso. No, just the old part.

Well, there's these commercials for old El Paso with this guy who's wearing a white suit who's... The Glad Man. The man from... Wait, is that... Is Old El Paso the one that's... This is really important. It's so important that I'm interrupting. Is that the one that...

This stuff's made in New York City. New York City. That's Pace Picante. That's Pace, yeah. Pace Picante. Pardon me? Old El Paso does everything. From beans.

You know what? From soup to nuts. Except, but not neither. By soup I mean taco shells and by nuts I mean beans. Taco filling. They made the taco shells that have the flat bottom so that you could flat bottom shells.

So you could make the rock and roll go round. But there's this one commercial where it's a guy, this Mexican man in a white suit is like, Chicken Thursdays. Chicken Thursdays. He's talking about how this woman is, we're all tired of having that one day a week where we eat chicken and he keeps

saying chicken thursdays but anyone who eats meat eats chicken roughly six days a week pretty much yeah like to only have chicken on thursdays that is uh it's the most consumed meat in the world i think that yeah a non-chicken thursday would be the, right? Like, what other, exactly, what kind of exotic or horrible meats are they eating the rest of the week? What kind of awful meats are they having where chicken's like... Manatee Mondays. Because of the manatee explosion of the early 2010. Yeah. It was too many manatees.

We had to start eating them. No, it was a literal explosion. And some landed in everyone's fridge. Pre-baggage. Gross. One more phone call. Hey, guys. This is Elaine from Burnaby.

I haven't overheard for you. I was just passing somebody who was on their cell phone, and a snippet I heard was a guy saying, Oh, man, I'm in trouble this year. I cashed in all those RSPs to buy a dirt bike. Just this year. He's in his accountant's office on the dirt bike. I also use my box of tax receipts as a ramp for my acid bike.

Dirt bike is like the irresponsible purchase. Yes. Because unless you live in a dirt area. Yeah, but you have to get to and from work through the dirt. Yeah, it's a cry for help. Yeah. Yeah, what about guys who are like, I'm going to be a professional dirt bike- Dirt biker?

Yeah, because that was what Vanilla Ice did before he rapped. Right. Well, there are X Games dirt bike- Yeah. You're Travis Pastrana's- Wasn't Pink married to a dirt bike guy? Yeah, Carey Hart, is that his name? Something like that, yeah.

He wore his sunglasses at night? Chinks on the above. Oh, two pops. Yeah, Dr. Pepper's both. uh it's jigsaw you pop oh two pops yeah dr peppers both um now uh we wanted to do dunk dials as well sure when i was a child didn't know what a phone was never tasted liquor either but one day when i grew up put two and two together drunk dials telling my girlfriend to start her period drunk dials telling my friend he looks like a wolf man drunk dials calling future shop and asking for best buy now drunk dials uh if you've never heard the segment before, we invite people who have been drinking heavily to program our phone number into their phone, 206-339-8328, and call us instead of that ex or your boss.

Or your teacher. Yeah, and just leave us whatever message you want. Get it out of your system. You want to call somebody, call us. Yeah. It's relatively consequence-free. So program it in right now 206-339-8328 now this week we're going to do things a little bit differently sure uh because

graham has noticed that we've actually been receiving some drunk emails and uh yeah we've got we've got a few and then just before we start up the segment dave noticed somebody sent one in right now yeah and the and the title of the subject was Drunk Again. So it's probably one of the ones that you were going to read anyway. Like, from this person. Yes, it is actually. Because you said it was Allie B. I did.

Yeah, I have hers right here. This is from January 14th. It says start, and like I say, I'm going to try and approximate the spelling. Now, do you want to go back and forth with phone calls? Yeah, let's go back and forth. So this is the first from Ali B.

Starts with, so drin. So not drunk. D-R-I-N apostrophe exclamation point. Sorry. Two Y's, one R. You be safe to bedempf. B-D-E-M-F, to L-B, capital S-E-R, space London, pound sign, period. Can you read it?

Just read it in one sentence. Okay. You be safe to bedempf to lib sir London pound sign. L'kiv here. Maybe out with Glyn. Capital G-L-Y-N. May pass out slash pee on street. Maybe pee?

Question mark. Sorry, period. We have met before period just don't leave Canada anymore oh man yeah I love it that's the whole thing that's the whole thing that's the end of Ali B's uh first all right well I will play a phone call but but great great yeah i'm surprised we haven't gotten more drunk emails and then we just sort of got them starting this year yeah we haven't asked for drunk you know there's a lot a lot of people's resolutions to send more drunk emails a lot of people saw their phone bills and were like oh this one uh sometimes people call us drunk and we'll leave a five-minute message.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, our machine cuts them off. I'm very proud of our machine because I believe our voicemail was like, this person is so annoying. Let's cut them off. Hi, guys. I'm Nicole, and I love your podcast. And I'm at a party right now, and I'm drunk. And so this is a drunk dial.

Because, yeah, I'm talking to a podcast. They're really good. You guys are really good. I really like your podcast. I'm Nicole. Yep, that's the only way that could have ended. call back oh i dropped my phone in the fish tank for some reason i just pictured her like some guys trying to make out with her and she's like no no no i gotta calling a podcast

usually it's uh it's not someone who it's usually someone by themselves not someone who's popular. Not that you are necessarily unpopular when you're drunk. Well, maybe you are. Well, some people are. But usually people wait for these moments of extreme loneliness, which is when they want to drunk dial someone else. Yeah, exactly. Now, this one comes from Jamie N., and the email was sent post being drunk, but was sent with the drunk email in the body of it so he just said i woke up this morning and went to check my email and discovered this

draft in process i think i passed out before i could send it so i decided that i should send it now and it says uh can i write a drunk email i know you do drunk dials, but I have no service where I am and can't call. Hank Godfur autocorrect because of what I said about being drunk. Did you know that sometimes when you're, period, drunk, one thing seems like a good idea until the other thing happens? Question mark. And then the other thing is like, whoa, back off. That's no longer good to think about.

Congratulations. That's my motto for life now. One thing is good until another thing comes. What was it? That middle one? Whoa, back off. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Feliz Navidad. I love that. comes what was it that little one yeah whoa back up congratulations congratulations felice navide i love that um can we just make the show drunk email me now do we have another drunk of course oh awesome well there's it's an endless well of drunken Darren Graham is a drunk dial. I'm dialing you. I'm drunk. I have some advice for you. That advice is to not buy a breathalyzer because that's an idea. Because what happens when you buy a breathalyzer is you start having contests to see who can get the highest. I mean, it's supposed to be for, like, making sure that you're okay with the size. But if no one's driving,

then you just start passing it around to see who can get the highest. And sometimes you win. That's really fun. But it just makes you keep drinking more beers. And, oh, okay, that's true. So maybe you should buy a breathalyzer because it's a fun drinking game

and I recommend it I don't know why I'm whispering because I'm alone in my apartment I wasn't though I mean when I was when we had the breathalyzer out. There was more than one person, so that was okay. I mean, it's okay.

It's a good drink alone, but I wasn't. And I hope... That's all. I think that's all. You guys are awesome. Stop podcasting yourself. I don't know why I'm singing, because I feel like when I'm singing, I'm just lessening my chances that you're going to play this on the podcast.

Nope. I'm not a very good singer, and I'm probably even worse than I am drunk. Bye. I'm just going to hang up now before you keep talking. You guys are awesome. Bye. Stop podcasting yourself. Just like our theme song.

I really like that she said bye and then was like, I'm going to hang up. No, you hang up first. I think she almost had a dark night of the soul and then stopped herself. It's okay to drink alone. Have you ever seen they sell them at 7-Eleven

the breathalyzers that you can just test yourself on. No, I was going to ask about that. Before you rest yourself. I've never heard about that. I got one in a gift bag at a comedy festival. Oh. But it was like a...

Was it a joke one that whenever you blew into it, it came out? Like a flag came out? Drunk. A fart noise. Or Mr. T said something. You're a drunk fool. It had an ugly woman on it, and when you blew into it, she became a beautiful woman. Oh, there you go.

I don't know how well it worked. We all used it at the party, but everybody was drunk, so it didn't... Do you know what I mean? Oh, so there was no control? There was no test group did she win is that was she trying to imply that she won i think she said it feels good to win yeah yeah well it always feels good to win regardless of the contest i don't know are there people like when someone says that oh i'm not very competitive when they win something or

they're like i don't care yeah oh? Like people who are just like, whatever. I've never met anyone who felt that way. Yeah. But everyone claims not to be competitive. Everyone? Everyone. I know lots of competitive people. Well, my family's Italian.

Yeah, I'm pretty competitive. What? I'm allowed to say that. So, a manja. Yeah. No, there is a definite competitive streak in my immediate heritage. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't really know if I care about competition that much. You know when people say go big or go home? Guess which one I pick. Yeah, that's true. But if you did win something, not because you were trying really hard, but just because you did, wouldn't you be happy? What do I win? That's really what it is. What did I win?

Did I win something good i think when people say they're not competitive it's because uh they don't want to get bummed out when they lose yeah fair but i think everyone likes to win i think everybody likes to win but i really do think there's some people who are just like born to be more competitive oh yeah yeah they get their motor running head up on the highway well no it's like board games, like the most meaningless things in the world, and then some people are super competitive at them. That's actually what I was thinking of with regards to my family. I can't think of anything that I would invest that much emotion in, like a sporting event or a board game or maybe gambling.

Gambling I would get really, oh, I want to win that because that's... Money. Yeah, but that's money I would be losing. Is gambling competing? Against the house? It's not competing. Yeah.

You know what, Graham? I got a system. House always wins. Now here's one... Always bet on black. One more from Allie B. Actually, it was a two-parter, but we'll see.

We'll see how the first one goes. Was this the one that just came in? That just came in, yeah. Starts with the word, ugh. Which is great. Ugh, full sentence. Stalked tonight. And then tonight is a link that you click on to go somewhere.

I don't know. I don't know where that link goes to. He wanted to take me to Paris, but to be here. B-U-T-B-H-E. Smelled bad. But he smelled bad. And short. Short with an I in the middle of it.

And creepy. They shouldn't put you's and Y's so close together. Also, he was the worst, period. Pound sign. When you say pound sign, do you mean British pound? Yeah, British pound, like the money. Oh, okay.

Yeah, because they call it a hashtag. Oh, yeah, dollar, dollar, billion. Julia and Amfu and Tongi had my back. Or something, with a pound sign in the middle or something. Classic Tonguey. Not make out some mmm mmm yet! Exclamation point.

So I don't, I can't actually tell you what. She was stalked by somebody that she... A Frenchman. A stinky Frenchman. A stinky short Frenchman. As all Frenchmen are. Yeah. And sailors. With buttons on their sweaters. And then this is the second half.

I told him-y, name was Abby! Exclamation point. He, Thogu, Ari. I didn't carissy him. Pound sign. In capital letters, HUGS. Oh, thanks. Yeah, congratulations.

You guys might be saving this girl's dating life. Yeah. It sounds like you're really just, you're the shoulder Yeah, I felt like, well, I don't know, I like to help Yeah Yeah I like emotions Like Atlas Yeah

Yeah Carrying the world's dating problems on his shoulders When he shrugs, your tears Harisi Go away Right Now, Caitlin Yes

You exist online in some sort of presence. You have a website. I do. Where do people go if they want to, A, find your book, and B, find out more about you? I have a website, CaitlinFontana.com. It's with a K, A-I-T-L-I-N, Fontana. Yeah. Dot com.

And I'm on Twitter, at Caitlin Fontana. Yeah. That's the most sort of current'm on Twitter, at Caitlin Fontana. Yeah. That's the most sort of current version of me, is the Twitter version. So keep up with, up to date. Yeah. You're going to tweet maybe today. Shows, jokes, book stuff, writing stuff. Yeah.

And your book is called Fresh at 20. Mm-hmm. The Oral History of Mint Records. And it's great. And if anybody wants... Is there an on-tape version yet? For the illiterates? No, there will be an e-book version shortly.

That's going to be fun. But I don't believe there's an audio version in the works. Okay. Well, don't say... Never say never. Never say never. Don't say never, never say never. No.

And Dave, do you have anything that you want to plug? Wii U. Wii U. Wii U. I have a new line of sirens coming out. If you buy sirens for a police company or an ambulance corporation. Get your sirens. Yeah, get your.

We do Wii U. We do Wii U. Wii U. Wii U. We do European donkey style. Donkey style. Now, well, we were going to... Last Wee-Uke, we plugged our Toronto show.

And in the meantime, tickets have since gone on sale. And I checked today and you couldn't buy any more tickets. We think it might be sold out. We think it might be sold out. Thank you everyone for buying tickets to that. I apologize that we didn't get to announce that tickets were on sale on the show. We didn't know.

Yeah, but we announced it online and we announced it in the Facebook group and hopefully everyone who wanted to get tickets got tickets. We also are doing a stand-up show that sameed in the Facebook group. And hopefully everyone who wanted to get tickets got tickets. Due diligence. We also are doing a stand-up show that same night in the smaller room. The cabaret. The cabaret room.

Welcome, welcome, cabaret. That's not how it goes. Yeah, it is. Liza. With a Z. So, yeah. You can go to comedybar.ca if you want to go to the stand-up show. Like Dave said, you can try to buy tickets to the podcast, but I think it probably is sold out.

Unless there was a glitch on the website. Oh, there might have been a glitch. So maybe check back later, but I don't know. If you don't know, I have no idea. Look, we just found out that it may have been sold out. We haven't checked in with the venue. But thank you. Yeah, thank you.

We're beyond thrilled to be going out to Toronto and to be, hopefully, to meet all of you people. Come out drunk if you want. Sure, it's going to be great. I don't want people coming out drunk. Why not? It's comedy bar. They will be. Awesome.

I've done improv there. If you want to reach us you can contact us at stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328

and check out maximumfun.org where there will be blog recaps there will be blog there will be blog there will probably be a video of

Astar the Robot maybe a clip from some sort of laser show a laser laser Green Day, a laser Pink Floyd, a laser Radiohead. I don't know that you can film a laser show. It's discouraged. Yeah, because you have a little video screen that you sort of need darkness. Yeah, totally. And, you know, there will be other all sorts of videos and links, maybe some sort of clip from Real Steel.

Maybe. Oh, please. And also, there's a bunch of wonderful shows at MaximumFun.org. If you are only familiar with our show, we're, you know, we've got all these brother and sister podcasts. My brother, my brother and me. Judge John Hodgman. George and Jesse Go. Bullseye, the new Bullseye.

Which I love. I think, like, I always like The Sound of Young America. I think Bullseye is taking all the best things about it. And just, it's all moved up a step. So check out all that stuff there. And please support your local planetarium. Your planetarium. your local planetarium. Your planetarium. Your local planetarium.

And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on our show, Jordan, Jesse, go. I would say that we share a little slice of our hearts. Yeah. And a little peek at our dicks.

But every week we have a podcast where we have fun and funny conversations with guests from the worlds of comedy, film, television. It's all online at MaximumFun.org or just search for Jordan Jesse Go in iTunes.