Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 215 - Rachel Burns

Episode Date: April 30, 2012

Comedian Rachel Burns joins us to talk acupuncture, Turks and Caicos, and evictions.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 215 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who just came back from a tropical isle with almost not even a tan. Like a little bit but maybe not so much. A lot of sunscreen? A lot of shade? Mr. Dave Shumka. A lot of shade, Mr. Dave Shumka.

Yeah, a lot of sunscreen. Yeah. And a lot of shade, but usually, like, towards the end of the day, every day, or even the beginning of the day, I would feel my skin tingling with sunniness. With Sunny D. Sunny D, and purple stuff. Yeah. Did you wear a big fluffy hat? I did wear, like um the kind you would wear to um uh the kentucky derby like oh like a big show hat yeah yeah yeah yeah okay and a fascinator on top of that

which is a word we learned last year uh yeah that's right uh ladies put them on their heads to distract you from their face yeah yeah and you look at them and they say, my eyes are down here. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's the one time you get to do that, unless you're in a well. And you're screaming for help. My eyes are down here. And our guest today, a very, very funny comedian and somebody who is kind enough to join us. At the last minute, that was my fault for booking

so late but uh you are uh i i am forever in your debt uh miss rachel burns is our guest today welcome rachel thank you for having me oh thank you for coming how are you i'm good good let's get to know us get to know us rachel burns you are a comedian you are a Rachel Burns, you are a comedian. You are a sketch comedian. You are a stand-up comedian. Do you write stuff as well? You write funny things. You write things down and remember them.

You make lists of things to buy at the grocery store. You are a role model. A sister? Yeah, a big sister daughter a friend a friend yeah yeah um uh an inspiration um mostly an inspiration yeah an icon vanguard uh uh it's you uh we were talking last night this is this is what like we were chatting last night about uh pinterest and about how uh we didn't understand what it was interest for people who don't know and we are all of them we don't it's a social network for uh just uh pictures of wedding cakes? Wedding cakes or, I guess, musicians that you like or a dog that tickles your fancy. But none of them are pictures that you've taken.

They're pictures, I think, that you've just found elsewhere. Okay. And then we're talking about how that is like the collage of now. That's the teenage collage of today is Pinterest. And the kids won't get to experience cutting things out of magazines and gluing them to a piece of construction paper and making like an old time collage. Rachel? Yes.

Question number one. Cutting things out of magazines, etc. Who was inside your high school locker? Well, I was telling Graham when I was 12. I had a collage of my own on my wall. Yeah. And it consisted mostly of like pictures of Beck. Okay.

Mia Hamm, the soccer player. And Jared Leto. Now, Mia Hamm isn't the one who took her shirt off. I don't think. No, I think that was one who took her shirt off. I don't think. No, I think that was before. That was her teammate, I think. Yeah. Oh.

It was an American. That took her shirt off. In celebration. Oh, right. Yeah. And made, it was the sports bra her round the world. Yeah. Okay.

Jared Leto. The actor or the singer? Okay, Jared Leto. The actor or the singer? How disappointed were you when he started becoming a singer and started becoming super weird? I think I had moved on by then. Were there still, though, some ties that you were like, I kind of wish he ended up cooler? I was a little disappointed. My so-called life, I think it set him up for, like, big things.

And then, you know, like, my teenage soul was, like, a little crushed. Yeah, he got a weird haircut. He started wearing weird vesty things. Eyeliner. Guyliner. Spyliner. Spyliner. Is there a difference between eyeliner and guyliner?

Or is it just a naming thing to get guys to wear eyeliner? I think it's just a name. It's a convention. Yeah, but then guys who are wearing eyeliner don't feel insecure about wearing eyeliner. Like, they don't feel like they need a manlier eyeliner, do they? Am I wrong? Am I the one that's incorrect? I feel like this might have been during the, what was the, the, the metrosexual period when they were trying to, when they were trying to convert men to become metrosexuals.

Pink eyeliner. Yeah, it was like, we'll call it guy liner. Yeah. That way when we, you know, kidnap guys and put them in our van and brainwash them into becoming metros. They'll be able to take that with them. Now, what's his name? Clark.

The guy who used to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Michael Clark Duncan. Wendell Clark. Wendell Clark. He's now advertising skin products. I'm glad that we have a lady here to shine a light on this. Finally. Is this important to lady folks that guys are putting skin creams on

and possibly using some eyeliner to highlight what... Maybe to bring out their eyes or to hide their horrible eye. Yeah. Should men be wearing one to emphasize their good eye some uh clog work orange style guy liner thoughts thoughts hmm well i i think it never hurts to moisturize okay all right um men with eyeliner i think it's uh it's a personal choice i don't know but like when they make that choice what is your response to it there's a it's a personal choice to to ride one of those really tall bikes but it's it's always the wrong one um i'd say it'd have to be like

well applied okay it'd have to be like a good technique so it can't be just like a uh just a quick dash is something where somebody has to like yeah like who are we talking about an adam lambert yeah oh of course yeah yeah he's a guy who knows his guyliner right of course um i can't think of any very many more because jared leto to me doesn't seem like a guy is it leto or leto we were all thinking it i've always said leto yeah but i've also maybe said it out loud once um yeah he seems like he's sloppy with it right it could be maybe it's overdone yeah it feels like he's going for like a real um adam lambert uh yeah is it lambert or lambert uh

uh is he he's still around right he's still uh adam lambert yeah yeah he's singing uh with queen oh really he's freddieizing. He's the Freddie Mercury in Queen? Well, I don't know if he's permanent, but he's trying on his cape. Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, does everybody get to wear a cape when they sing for Queen?

The theme from Flash? Uh, yes. Um, so, okay. We've covered two really important points so far guyliner eyeliner lito letto right um here's a quick question should we call the whole thing off you call it guyliner i call it eyeliner yeah you call it jared leto i say jared lito well why hasn't anybody rewritten that song for for the next generation nobody says tomato or potato nobody says potato right uh nelly frittata yeah she's the person to do it uh like maybe potato? Nelly Frittato? Put herself in it.

Have Timbaland cross his arms and bob his head along. So what is a Rachel Burns doing these days? You work during the day. You do comedy during the evening. That's a crazy schedule to keep.

Is there anything particular that you're working on right now or is it just whatever man yeah I was just trying to write some stuff as well like just writing script or whatever like television type? I don't know but kind of do some sort of

mediocre well I won't say mediocre yet. It hasn't been done. Kind of do some sort of web series thing or whatever. I have a lot of confidence in myself is what I'm trying to say. Going to a lot of acupuncture. Tell us about that.

Tell us about that. What is a lot of acupuncture? Well, I was going like once a week. Wow. That seems like a lot. I feel like that's a lot of acupuncture? Well, I was going like once a week. Wow. That seems like a lot. I feel like that's a lot. Yeah. It seems like a heavy acupuncture schedule.

I've gone once a, well, like when I hurt something, I went once every couple of weeks. But once a week seems like a lot. Yeah. Was it for like therapy or did you just get addicted to it? Actually, that's funny because like I was starting to kind of get addicted to it and my boyfriend started calling it good girl cocaine. Because like you can go to acupuncture and it can like really like kind of energize you or it can kind of make you calm. So it kind of like, I don't know, I was calling it was like cranking my yang. You were calling it was like cranking my yang you were calling it well um acupuncturist said i had like too much moon energy oh yeah yeah she wanted to crank my

yeah that's like that uh comedy central show crank yangers so so uh a quick question is it bullshit is it like oh yeah uh yeah i'm gonna can they do the same things to raise your energy that they do to calm you down or is it just like uh or do you actually feel a difference or is it psychosomatic hard to say i feel like i feel a difference but it's also kind of terrifying. And so maybe it's just like your brain is just so, because you're having needles like pushed in you and moved. And it hurts, right? Yeah, it does hurt. It hurts a lot.

Do you bleed at all? I don't know. I just like close my eyes. But like when you put your clothes over top of the skin, are there spots of blood? Well, I think like if there is blood just probably like wiping it up before is it like when you cut yourself shaving do you have a bunch of little pieces of toilet paper all over your flesh um because it's have you ever had it before no it's like i don't know if this is only the uh like because i went to physiotherapy and they did it

but i just like i assume it's the same everywhere but maybe not maybe it's uh but they like stick the needle in and then they kind of like tweak it and you're like ow that hurts a lot like because they don't it's not just like getting a a thumbtack in your finger or whatever it's like in the nerve they they like target it right and you're like oh that doesn't feel so bad at all and then they wiggle it to make sure that it hurts a lot and then and then you just is that the same yeah it seems uh it worked it worked a lot like because i hurt my neck and it uh worked on like loosening it up because of adrenaline that was the theory they were saying is it's like you stab something and then adrenaline goes to that place it goes there

and uh and then you feel like if you feel better you feel like energized in that but i don't know where you're where the moon is uh yeah where's your moon in the seventh house yeah and mercury uh is the place that you go is it very is it like very new agey or is it or is it like hardcore asian is it like oh yeah like uh uh by the harbor and then there's like a community one somewhere down on main street yeah it's called like pricks yeah i think. It's run by, it's a co-op. You got to do a certain amount of hours of it.

You got to do a certain amount of pokes a month. Tell us about your moon. Yeah. We didn't really go into it that much, but just basically

there's too much moon energy. Got to raise up the moon and let out the yang uh so what's the wouldn't you put in sun to counter it yeah and wouldn't you use ying or yin to get rid of yang that would make more sense yeah i don't do a lot of questioning though i'm just kind of person's like we're really gonna put a lot of yang in here and you're like but another person told me my yang was too high. But I've never heard of people just going once a week.

Like, that's a, it's a real lifestyle thing. Yeah, it takes a lot of time. Yeah. It's like big commitment out of your day. Yeah. Once a week. And then you're also a yoga person. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're like, you're like one of the, you're like the healthy, what Vancouver's famous for. Yeah. Once a week. And then you're also a yoga person. Yeah. So you're like the healthy... What Vancouver's famous for. The healthy person that takes care of themselves and does healthy things. And probably, do you go outside a lot? I hate the outdoors. Oh, right. There you go.

Because otherwise, what a cliche you would be. You hate the outdoors. Well, I don't hate it. I just would rather not. When a crow flies too close to your head, do you panic? They do look like they're scheming all the time. Yeah, absolutely.

I don't trust the crows. Nature's pranksters, I think, aren't they? Yeah, that's what schemers do. Nature's schemesters. Now, you're not from here originally. You moved here from... Ontario. You moved for the acupuncture.

Yeah, you made a real face when you said Ontario. Were you small town Ontario? Like London, Ontario. Oh, London, Ontario. I've been many times ontario is kind of like um uh china and that there's you know what they consider small towns are are uh bigger than yeah the cities out here yeah like in china there's cities you've never heard of that have 20 million people that's right uh yeah and london is uh often considered the china of the west yep um uh was growing up in

london was that fun like i've been there i went to comedy awards there two years ago i don't remember there was there was a theater that was nice and also there was laser tag downtown oh yeah does that does that ring any bells for? A laser tag being right in the middle of downtown? That sums up London pretty well. Did you ever go to the laser tag downtown? There's probably lots of birthday parties. Yeah, absolutely.

Would a group acupuncture be a fun thing to do for a birthday? Yeah, or like a bridal shower. Alright, everybody. Everybody gets the exact same treatment, so they feel... Well, this is kind of like a control group. You can see if it really worked.

Yeah. Oh, they told me my moon was too high. But then they did the same thing they did to you? Well, when did you move out here? When I was like 15. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. You left home, you said. here? When I was like 15. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

You left home, you said. Yeah. You left your collages. I got my bindle. Yeah, you burned your collages so that nobody else can have them. Yeah. If I can't have them, then no one can. When I get to Vancouver, I'm going to idolize a different female soccer player.

Cheryl Swoops. Swoops. player Cheryl swoops so you came out here to finish high school yeah I finished high school or did you come out here to drop out yeah I came here just for the quality high school I heard they were really great. I begged my parents. Yeah. They uprooted their lives so I could play lacrosse. Oh, yeah. What were you in school?

Were you a theater kid? Here's what I'm going to guess. Theater? Soccer. Oh, yeah. Oh, duh. That's really paying attention. 30 seconds to Mars.

Her three interests. Soccer, guyliner, and Beck. Were you a soccer player? Yeah, like early in high school, and then I stopped playing. How come? It was a lot of effort. This is boring. Yeah. No wonder nobody watches effort. This is boring. Yeah.

No wonder nobody watches this. Soccer girls, they're like a very specific breed of female. Is that right? Am I right? Am I? They seem like... What are you saying? They seem like they're hard partying, if I recall correctly.

There's a very... And they're like the type of gals that aren't afraid to uh just like slide tackle well yeah push a guy over i remember them being very rough and tough well there's one uh video on the internet a couple years ago of this girl who was like yanking on other girls ponytails and stuff and yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm talking hard partying. Yeah. Drinking a keg in the locker room. So you can see why I fit in. Yeah, exactly. You wanted to...

I get it. You wanted to really rebel against the system, but soccer was the only way you knew how. I get it. So that's you had to move in the midst of high school. That must have been fairly miserable, no? It wasn't like the best, no

It was alright But everyone else seemed to really enjoy high school Yeah, I mean high school was a lot of fun Yeah, but you had a miserable high school experience Because you had to move Everyone else was having a great time Yeah, everybody was having a great time Probably the people back in London were like

Oh, it was really great Really things All the storylines really tied up nicely. Yeah, you're like the character. You're like the weird kids from Good Morning Miss Bliss. When the show became Saved by the Bell, you disappeared. Oh, that's right. Yeah, he just suddenly transferred out.

I don't remember their names. No, neither do I. I don't remember that that was a subplot of that there were kids that just vanished. Well, before, in the early years of Saved by the Bell, there was Hayley Mills was the teacher, Miss Bliss. Yeah. And then when it became Saved by the bell uh they added slater yeah and they got rid of some of those uggos and in this story you are one of the uggos sorry i didn't mean it when i started out with the story i didn't know we would go ago but yeah it did yeah definitely uh yeah it really

winded down a door sorry um i don't know it was something about high school i don't know i don't know what was your locker combination did you have locker partners in high school no i did and that was i feel like overcrowding you know i feel like it's something it's like the very first phase of you living with roommates uh then kind of just goes just you either go to university and you live in a dorm and you're like a little more of this and then you grow up and then you get roommates and then you either get married or you move into an old person's home but it's like roommates from lockers on you never get a right unless you're like a recluse or rich did you have a locker partner no no i had my own yeah what really in high school i think in

elementary school we had to share lockers. You had lockers in elementary school? In the higher grades. Wow. Oh, man. We had hooks. Yeah, cubby holes. Yeah. But yeah, you do have to sort of figure out a little, you know, you have to share a lock.

That's a lot of responsibility. Yeah. that's a lot of responsibility yeah and then also that's where you put your lunch and uh and also you have to decide early on what type of decorations are we going to have on the inside of the locker are we going to be a couple of guys that got gals on the locker or is this going to be a girl guy situation where we've got some neutral colors of benetton commercials that we've cut out of my co-ed locker oh yeahed locker? Oh yeah, there were co-ed lockers. That seems advanced. You know what I think it was? I think you were handed a locker partner and then I think there was a lot of tradesies.

Oh, okay. I want to be with Graham because I want to get, you know, I want to eat some of his cheesies. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That guy's always got tons of cheesies and Twizzlers. Yeah. But I'm really surprised. Maybe, yeah, my school was overcrowded. tons of cheesies and Twizzlers. Yeah. But I'm really surprised. Maybe, yeah, my school was overcrowded.

I'm surprised you guys had your own lockers. That sounds really luxurious. All the things I would have put in there. I would have brought stuff to school I didn't even need. A rifle. Et cetera, et cetera. A plan. A plan for my rifle.

Did you guys decorate the inside of your lockers? Rachel? Yeah. What did you guys have? Just stuff, cut out stuff? Or like personal photos? I remember... A mirror? Those were popular? Locker mirrors? When I was in grade 8,

we took, on spring break, we had to fly through Los Angeles and I went to the airport bookstore and they had Laugh Factory magazine. The magazine of the comedy club The Laugh Factory. With Tim Allen on the cover.

Oh, man. Who would read that magazine? And there was like a bunch of funny things in it. Oh, man. And there was just like... Who would read the magazine? And there was like a... There were a bunch of just, you know, funny things in it. Yeah. There was like lists and there was this... Remember there was a comic about a Jewish superhero named Super Minch? What?

And... Oh, man. This is all really good stuff. And like there was... I remember one thing that I cut out that I put in my locker was a list of reasons you would stop drinking coffee. And the only reason I could think of from the list is that it turned your urine jet black. I like to laugh. Yeah, yeah.

So you covered the inside of your locker full with jokes. And I kept it pristine. Like, I was very careful about putting the stuff up. So I think I had the same stuff in my locker year after year. Like, I would transport it. Oh, wow. You had a theme. Yeah.

And then, of course, an autographed picture of Corky and the Juice Pig. Rachel, anything that you can remember? All I remember about my locker is I had a giant yellow pillow in it. What? Because I used to like I didn't like science class, so I'd bring my pillow to science. That seems like...

And I would put my head down on the pillow and class. On the Bunsen burner. And like just in the middle of biology, like I just would put my head on this yellow pillow that I took from my couch at home. Didn't the teachers take that as kind of a warning sign? Or like, incredibly rude? The teacher wasn't like, overly impressed with me. No? I wouldn't say.

Hey, where can I set up this hammock? You'll teach. Was that a lot of comments in your yearbook? Where, hey, pillow, something, something, pillow, pillow fight. Where you voted most likely to nap. I don't really know why I thought I had the right to, like, nap. You didn't like and a teacher one time i did it again in university and like this and then like a tutorial and the ta

actually like picked up a piece of chalk and threw it at me and then i actually like i picked up the chalk and i was just like did you want this this back? And I went back to sleep. I was having the strangest dream. Fuck chalk. Oh, wow. I don't think I've ever... I mean, there's kids that do all sorts of ballsy things to say I'm not interested in what you're talking about. But bringing a pillow really is like you're forecasting that you're going to lay it down at some point. Wearing a nightcap.

Yeah, yeah. I changed into my pajamas before biology class. Walking, carrying a candle. Blow it out. Good night, everyone. It's like a cup of chamomile tea. Yeah. Wow.

That's really funny. I'm trying to think. I can't remember what I decorated my locker with. I remember there was a band that played at our school in the cafeteria at some point, and I got a picture autographed by them, and I can't remember what they were called. But they were... I don't think they were a band either that was on their way up. I think they were a band that was on their way down

I think maybe like the principal's cousin played in the band the principal's cousin is a good name for the band but they were called like something like party star or something like that like not a great name and then I can't remember

what my locker mate but I don't think we had similar tastes in locker deck. Oh, did you put a line of tape down the middle where this is where my decorating starts? I think I had maybe the top half, and then they had the bottom half. Oh, right. That doesn't seem even. Well, I don't think either of us had a mirror, so that didn't really factor into it.

You know, I don't know. Or maybe I had the bottom half. Maybe I had the bottom of the locker, but the top half of the locker door. And then they had the other. So I had to roll up my coat and put it down where the shoes are. That seems to be a memory

that I recall. Yeah, I think I just threw everything in the shoes are. That seems to be a memory that I recall. Yeah, I think I just threw everything in the bottom anyway. Yeah? You didn't hang them up on the fancy little hooks? Maybe my coat, but like all the books and garbage. Yeah, and garbage being the key. I think I did leave a lot of garbage in there.

Sometimes they'd use it instead of a garbage can. Oh, wow. Good memories. I'm glad we dredged those up. What did you take in university that you slept through with your pillows? I think it was like Canadian sociology or something. Yeah.

Even the teacher comes in with a pillow. In like the what do they call that? the book that has all of the courses you can take i haven't heard of the registration guide yeah sure they should have like you know how in restaurants they'll have like a jalapeno next to a dish yeah to tell you it's spicy or uh they'll have like a fish to say it's fish. They should have like Zeds. Yeah.

Next to a sleeping dog. Sawing the log. Yeah. Or and then like in an art class, there should be like a sign that means possible nudity. Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you? You just came back from Paradisia.

I just got back from my honeymoon. Right? Right? You guys went to Niagara Falls. No, we went to... We didn't actually do much research on where we were going. We picked the place. We went to a place where Mexican gangs rule the roost.

Yeah. It's run by wild dogs. No, we went to Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean. And we had, like, we just wanted to go somewhere that was, like, beachy. And then that's basically all the research we did. So we didn't know. Where is Turks and Caicos? It's literally in the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, wow. It's like just north of the Dominican Republic. Follow-up question. Did you see Amelia Earhart? Yeah, she says hello. Oh, to me? Yeah. She sends her best.

She's got a bone to pick with Hilary Swank. Yeah. Oh, she's seen the movie. She's seen it, yeah. Oh, to me? Yeah. Oh, to who? She sends her best. She's got a bone to pick with Hilary Swank. Yeah. Oh, she's seen the movie. She's seen it, yeah. Oh, that's embarrassing. I think that's the only place it was screened. It was in the tri, the triang. Yeah, so we went to Turks and Caicos, and the day before we were leaving, we were like,

what language do they speak there? What currency do they use uh but we figured it all out english yeah the u.s dollar oh that was easy yeah it was all it was very easy and um uh yeah it was like our days consisted of usually when we go anywhere we'll go to a city and we'll do stuff and this was was the opposite. We just went and we like, oh, we got to get up before they stop serving breakfast. And then we got to go back and lie down outside. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Wow.

Did you guys jet ski everywhere? No, we didn't do anything. Except one day we were like, we got to do something while we're here. We're like, we got to do some kind of activity. And so we did a tour. It was like a boat tour that went around the reef. And we did some snorkeling. And we went to the Island of the Iguanas.

Wow, that sounds very terrifying. An island that has 5,000 iguanas. And it's uninhabited by humans. Because the iguanas voted them out. They're very territorial. And there was an iguana there named Grandpa. Oh, what? And he was 29 years old in human years.

And half of his tail was missing because he got in a fight with this, I think, one named Rocky. Oh, man. This is the greatest honeymoon ever. Oh, and the best part of this tour that we went on is as soon as we got on the boat the captain announced everyone speaks with a Jamaican accent.

So you'll have to pardon mine. My patois. The captain announced, alright, I be your captain. My name be Pringles. So, Captain Pringles. Of the SS Iguana. I don't remember the name of the boat, but yeah, us and Pringles

and oh, they must be so sick of hearing Bob Marley Because everywhere you go It's like there are other Reggae artists that have happened since Yeah, or like Just other music

Are they doing it for our benefit? Like, oh, okay, people came here to hear Reggae Yeah, I guess. Yeah, we do the same thing, don't we? Yeah, we play nothing but Guess Who? When tourists are in a rush on every corner. Yeah, so it was fantastic.

And Pringles was there. Yeah. We went out to dinner every night and basically every place had a live band that played reggae. This one's from a little guy you might know named Bob Marley.

One time a band was about to, like they played One Love by Bob Marley. Then they played some other song. And then they started up One Love again. This one's called Two Love. And one of the guys was like, hey, we just played One Love. And so they played Stir It Up.

So Marley Fest. And yeah, it was fantastic. I recommend it. I've never been on one of these holidays of just sitting around and doing nothing. Yeah, me neither. Have you ever been? On like a beach holiday or a resort holiday? Where'd you go? Just to Mexico.

Now, what did you do? The same thing? Like, just sit around on the beach and... Yeah, just a lot of... Well, my stepbrother lives there, so it was kind of like I could visit him and he could show me kind of his mother's stuff. So you went into the city. Yes, we did some more stuff. But we did a lot of just like sitting around.

I don't get it. I don't see the appeal. It seems it's like it'd be hot. Right? Well, yeah, it is. And I don't deal well with the heat. Yeah. But you're right next to an ocean and a swimming pool.

Yeah. And also you're not like... It's not like here when you're hot and you have to go somewhere. You don't have anywhere to be. So it's fine if you're just like a sweaty mess. Yeah, but you won't be.

I would be, I think. There's no layers little enough that I would not be just sweating. I'm a sweaty guy, too, bro. Yeah. But it was fine being on the beach, wasn't it? No. I mean, like I said before, I could feel a sunburn coming on at all times. Yeah.

So I was reapplying lotions at all uh hours you're the same rachel you're a pale you're of the pale squad i was the only girl i think in mexico that like did not wear a bathing suit the entire time totally nude i don't know i just like i was like wearing shorts like all the time i just i couldn't i was like my skin can't handle the sun like i'm gonna burn it's amazing how people uh think that they can tolerate the sun and then they get a weird tan and they think that that's good like they there's a lot of people like that that like go and they're like no i'm great in the sun and then they get like a horrible tan that seems like their body's warning them like no more of that like i'm coloring you an unflattering color just so when you look in the mirror you remember not to do that also you'll be in pain for the next

two weeks yeah oh but beauty is pain um i saw a lady on the bus uh this is my tie-in to your uh to your uh holiday story i saw a lady on the bus with very tanned feet which i haven't seen and i don't know how that would happen because it hasn't been sunny enough well they're they have uh uh many ways of tanning things i guess right but would you bronze your feet oh you use bronzer or you would go to a uh bed a footbed yeah like you just put your feet in the thing and then lower it down and yeah or you know how i don't know i don't think anyone does it looks like you're wearing brown socks all the time i don't think anyone does this anymore but uh and it might just be something that they did on tv in like the 80s and 70s. Where someone would tan with one of those like reflective things all around their chest.

Their torso. They would have like a foldable tin foil thing. To, you know, reflect the sun back up at their face. Yeah, because back in those days it was like nothing keeps the wrinkles off like sun. Yeah, gotta get my face from every angle. Yeah, because back in those days, it was like, nothing keeps the wrinkles off like sun. Yeah, gotta get my face from every angle. Yeah, exactly. Get a nice even sun to blast off the wrinkles. But maybe they were wearing those on their feet. Weird reflective sandals.

Her feet, like, she was wearing a type of shoe that was showing off how tanned her feet were uh so much so that i was like oh yeah it's like i was kind of worried about was this a white person or yeah it's just someone who had darker skin no no she was white but her feet were like mixed race I've seen videos of people's feet and people's genitals getting it on. And do you think that's maybe how that happened? What do you mean? What did you mean by that last sentence? Well, like, maybe her father was white. Yeah.

And her mother was like a foot. Like a black lady's foot are you glad that you showed up on some short notice oh lordy yeah so it was great and another highlight of that little tour

the little boat tour we did there were like maybe 20 people on the tour uh and one of four of them were this family of two parents and two shitty teenagers who were so miserable to be there oh nice and that's like that that is as interesting to abby and myself as it is as like the beautiful tropical fish. It's like we could look at these fish all day, but we really want to see these kids hate their parents. Were they wearing all black or something really inappropriate?

A leather jacket? No. I hate it here. They were happy to be in the tropics, but they did not. They were just completely embarrassed of their parents. Were their parents doing a lot of funny parent stuff? Oh, yeah.

Like, their mother would address the whole tour like, hey, everybody, can I have your attention, please? And so, they were like, mom, stop! You're not the boss of the tour! And that's great. I could uh relate to that although my parents weren't embarrassing i mean i guess they probably were but everything's

embarrassing that's one of the uh from what i understand of parenting that's one of the key perks uh is having somebody that's younger and defenseless around you that you can embarrass at all times in front of their friends, right? Yeah. Like, well, I just, I can really, like the whole movie Uncle Buck, like I was like, I could see being an Uncle Buck and embarrassing kids at school driving a hilarious car, showing up in some sort of hilarious costume. Yeah, being in the small urinal.

Yeah, yelling something hilarious. Rachel, were your parents ever embarrassing? Did they do anything ever to mortify you? Yeah. Specific. I just pictured a grade eight dance. Chaperoning? Rachel went to the dance, and my dad, instead of waiting in the car, maybe outside, decides to come into the school to pick up Rachel.

And I just remember, like, running as fast as I can. Away or towards? Like, just, like, towards the parking lot, just pretending I didn't know who this person was. Was it, like, at the end of the dance? Yeah, the dance was finished, but none of the other parents came in to pick up their kids. They had enough sense, you know, sit in the parking lot. Absolutely.

After the dance, that's when the spooching... There's things happening. You gotta back off. Give me a minute. Did you bring your pillow to the dance? The pillow was her date. I was going rachel but i think she's got her eyes on that yellow stupid yellow pillow that she's carrying around i put a face on it yep and you called him bob oh yeah sure bob um wow yeah uh that's a pretty great way to embarrass a kid show up at the and you called him? Bob. Oh, yeah, sure, Bob. Wow, yeah.

That's a pretty great way to embarrass a kid. Show up at the... Oh, just show up at the dance. Do a hilarious dance. Just cut loose. Yeah, exactly. Go, Rachel. Go, Rachel. Come on, honey, go.

Yeah. Do that dance you do at home. Everyone's screaming your name. You're the only one screaming it. My dad would probably, like, interfere and go up to some boy and be like, why you not dance with my daughter? My daughter is a smart jam cook dancer. He'd say something ridiculous.

He'd say the Mia Hamm of dancing. You're making a big mistake. Gather around, guys. Gather around. I want to tell you a little something about a girl in your class named Rachel. R, really awesome. A, awesome. C, cool.

I downgraded her. H, Hot. Hi, I'm Rachel's dad. Oh, man. E. We've got to finish. Yeah, E. Everything to me.

Everybody loves Rach. Yeah. Rachmond. And L. L. I'll see you in the parking lot. I love that. Oh, man. So, great honeymoon.

Yep. Everybody, go get married, do a honeymoon. It's great. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds real relaxing. Mm-hmm. I like the idea of that island of the iguanas. Yeah.

I like the idea of an island of any just species where no humans are allowed. That sounds a lot of fun to me. Like an island of apes or an island just of bears or whatever. An island of Dr. Moreau. Oh, no, no thanks. What? I've seen that movie. Oh.

Have you seen which one? The color one or the black and white one i don't see colored um but also which one did you say i saw the one with a uh marlon brando okay that's that's that's the color one yeah and um val kilmer yeah and scotty Pippen, I think, was in it. He plays part human, part bull. Chicago Bull. It was a real wink to the audience. Okay, well, that was a great story.

What's been going on with you, Graham? I went to Turks and Pink. Oh, I didn't see you. Yeah, I was there. I was working. I was on a work exchange program. Now, when we last spoke, you thought you might be evicted. And you know

what, guys? Dreams come true. I was evicted this morning. So, yeah. So that, I know, right? It was a, when I moved into this place, we were served with an eviction notice, but we were so confident, because the eviction notice was, it was all trumped up, made up things. You had this party on this night.

Well, there was no party on that night. And the cops were called at this time and the cops were not called at that time or whatever. They were called four minutes later. Four minutes later, exactly. There's nothing lined up. They were called four minutes later. Four minutes later, exactly. Nothing lined up.

But anyways, we thought, given the fact that they had no evidence, that we win. But I guess Vancouver's kind of in love with slumlords. They kind of love them and love having them here and let them do whatever they want. And the city's kind of built around letting people just buy property and then be shitty shitty people so we've just fallen victim of that uh shame spiral uh so yeah i bought like for the first time ever rented a storage locker which uh i don't know it was really weird because they're like go take a look at it and you open it it up, and you're like, ooh, yeah, looks a lot like... Storage Wars. Yeah, I asked the guy about Storage Wars.

I was like, have you ever watched that show? And he was just like, bleh, that'll bring my work home with me. Oh, really? Yeah. He's like, I'm gonna go home and watch Storage Wars after a day working in the storage place. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

I'm sorry I brought it up. I'm sorry. Obviously, I brought it up. Like, I don't go up to just any girl and say, have you seen Girls, that new show? Yeah. You don't go up to everyone who belongs to a duck dynasty and ask them about duck dynasty. Exactly. So, yeah, I got a storage unit.

That was weird. Mostly just want to get rid of all my stuff. I don't know why I'm going to store it. I don't like any of my stuff. Can I show me your incinerator, please? They should. I mean, storage businesses are missing out on half of the money that they could be making by destroying the other stuff that people don't want to store, right? Like you charge them a one-time destroying fee.

Right? Wouldn't that be something? I don't know. I don't know anything about business, clearly. Would you prefer your stuff be incinerated or crushed into a tiny cube i'm gonna say cube yeah your right answer yeah it's more nostalgic it is right because you can take it's like a collage yeah it's like a tiny it's like a real life pinterest yeah you can put it in your pocket carry it with you a piece of everything you want everything you've ever owned um yeah so that's i've been having a real thing with like this stuff i own is like i don't know why i have it but now that i've had to cart it around i'm like

twice yeah like you really kind of lose any kind of affection for these. Especially the heavier things. Your records. Your books. All of a sudden, like, you just want, like, I don't know, you just really want to James Dean it. Just wear some jeans and a tight white shirt. Ride around on a motorcycle. Roll up all of your possessions into your t-shirt sleeve. I'm moving out guys um yeah so uh and i know you've been evicted before

oh yeah rachel have you ever been evicted kind of yeah what was the story oh like we were renting a house and they they said that we could stay for year. And then they sold it in the middle of the year. Classic. Yeah, mine was, they said that they were going to move into our suite. So we had to move. And so that's like the only reason you can evict someone without cause. Yeah, except apparently you can also not have a cause, lie about the cause, and then also evict people.

So that's a hot tip for any landlord any slumlords listening um just make things up but that didn't happen um so yeah i don't know if anybody in vancouver wants a chair i'm getting rid of a chair is it the one i gave you uh no i'm gonna keep that one i'm gonna get rid of my previous chair uh probably a stool i don't know if we got a any use for that also this happened this week uh i had rented a microphone stand from long and mcquade like four months ago and i like moved with it like it was my microphone stand and then they called me the other day and said like hey you still have our microphone stand and i just used i was used to it being my microphone stand but my coat's hanging on it yeah well it's what i was using it for was i would uh ratchet it up as high as it would go and then i would hang my drying pants on

it after like doing the laundry because i didn't want them to shrink so that's all i was being used for and uh they called me and said because my credit card had switched they said oh uh hi mr clark the credit card that you rented the uh microphone stand on isn't good anymore and then they said what so what's your plan and it was just like i don't even know how to answer that question. Why don't I just keep it and you don't charge me anymore? Yeah, yeah. Like, you can't possibly charge me because not only do I not have the credit card, but also I'm not going to be living at the place that you thought I was living at.

Yeah. So, yeah, it was really funny. I've never been on that side of, ah, really. So, on one hand, I was on the. I've never been on that side of, ah, really. So, on one hand, I was on the bad side of the power struggle, but then with Long McQuade, I really came to my own. Really turned the tables. Yeah, so I'm going to do an open mic on the street.

With no microphone, just the stand. Oh, yeah, yeah. With your pants hanging over it. Talking into your pants yeah um yeah so yeah i mean that's uh hey what's the deal with belt loops right just talking oh that would be a really great uh park crazy right like local local hobo oh yeah color he's the stand-up comedian who talks into his pants about pants. Comedy for the pants, by the pants, of the pants. That would be great. I would go and see a show if there was something that... It's 24 hours a day in the park.

Yeah, this guy talks into his pants. Oh yeah, I was going to tell another thing, but it's totally my overseen, so I won't mention that. But if anybody wants me to live with them, this is really your chance. Graham, that couch you're on folds out into a futon bed.

Oh, I know. I'm very excited. Oh yeah, that's the other thing. My bed got ruined at this place. In your last move. Yeah. No. In this move, it got ruined in the last week. There was like weird water seeped up out of the ground and ruined my bed.

Out of the ground? Because you ruined the frame in the move. Oh, yeah. I broke the bed frame in the move. So it was no longer off the ground. Yeah, it was just on the ground. And then I was flipping it over, and then the bottom of it was soaking wet. And then my roommate went to the landlord and was like, hey.

Can you fix this? Yeah, they're like, hey, there's like weird water coming up through the floor. And then the lady said, how do I know he didn't just tie one on and piss the bed? And I was like, why would I bring over the landlord if that was the case? Why would I like, hey, my mistake. I'm going to turn it to my advantage. Smell this. Yeah. So that was weird is like having my name dragged through the mud or urine in this case yeah but dudes I've been dry for like 10 years

yeah um your uh situation sounds terrible yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bad. But I got this really nice new storage wars. And that's the thing, too. As I was paying for it, I was viewed into the future where I did not pay the thing. And then there was a storage wars at my locker. Oh, and they had to bid they could bid on it. Yeah, and then they go, there's a lot in those fucking brown boxes

there and then they just look and it's just old newspapers. Yeah, you should have put something or you still can. You haven't defaulted on this yet. I don't know if that credit card's going to hold up. What's your plan for the storage locker?

Yeah, you should put something that looks valuable near the front. Oh, yeah. And then really screw over Daryl. I should arrange boxes so that it looks like a motorcycle and then put a tarp over it. Like, just get one motorcycle tire to be like be on the bottom of the tarp so that the guy's like i think that's a motorcycle yeah and then he unveils it's just a bunch of boxes uh and a mattress with mold all over it oh it's just a moldy mattress and a broken bicycle tire uh, so things are looking up.

Things are going great. Well, that's fantastic. You're right. Well, we should probably move on. Well, we should take care of some business. Yeah, I was going to say that. Oh, it's fun. Don't get carried away.

You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got do the things you don't wanna do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of business. Yeah, we got some business for you. And this week's business is a personal message, and this one comes from Corinne to someone

named Andrew. They are in love. Andy! They are fianced. And Corinne wants to wish Andrew a very happy 28th birthday. She says, what do you get the guy who buys himself everything he wants?

A personal message on Spy. Corinne and Roxy and Ernie, those last two are cats. The first one might also be a cat. Would like to simultaneously support Stop Podcasting Yourself, that's us, Finn and Roxy and Ernie, those last two are cats. The first one might also be a cat. Would like to simultaneously support Stop Podcasting Yourself, that's us, and wish Andrew a very, very happy 28th birthday. Andrew, you mean the world to her.

And she is so excited that they are making this permanent by getting married this September on Cape Cod. Now, Cape Cod, that's where the space shuttles fly out. That's where you get married by a ship's captain. Yeah, you get married to the sea. I think when you get married in Cape Cod, the appropriate dress is a sweater knotted effortlessly around your shoulders. Oh, or a cape. Yeah. Yeah.

And some critters on your chinos. They say we're invited to the wedding with guests. It's not often that you get the plus one. Mm-hmm. We both listen to the podcast every week. They recommend the show to all their friends, which we encourage all of you. Right?

Don't leave this just to Corinne and Andy and Rocky and Ernie and Cape and Cod. Yep. Andrew, this is me channeling Corinne a la Whoopi Goldberg channeling Patrick Swayze. Andrew, I hope you have a great day. I miss you. Love, Corinne.

Now, I'm going to the bank to cash in this million dollars. Now, if anybody out there... Is that from Ghost? No, that's from Blank Check. Oh, okay. If anybody out there would like to have an ad featured on Stop Podcasting Yourself... Yeah, if you want to give a shout-out to your friend on their special day, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's $100 for a personal message, $200 for a corporate message to tell us about your company. If you want to learn more about Red Lobster, go to RedLobster.com slash Jumbotron. Let's move on to overheards. Overheard. Overhes. Things overheard in your everyday life using your ears, your eyes, your sense of touch, your smell, but not taste. This is not an overtasted segment. This is just strictly overheards, overseens, over-experienced. We like to start with the guest.

And Rachel, you came with With an overheard Yeah I have A weird overheard I was walking on Berard Your Robson And this woman Wait before we get overheards Oh wow

You really let it go there I was worried I was like oh I forgot that it's my turn to interrupt I apologize We'll let you get on with that in a bit that's all that's on me man that was incredibly rude of me but it is you're still on island time yeah i i uh i apologize i'm feeling iry um now it's time for my favorite segment on the show, a segment called Celebrity Birthdays. We are recording this on Thursday, April 26th, and big happy celebrity birthday to Channing Tatum.

Dave, shut up before you finish that thought. Sorry, I'm also on island time. It's time for my favorite segment, which is Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Oh, somebody sent in a segment, like a theme song. Why don't we play that here? What do you think?

I'm not sure we played it. Well, I think, well, let's play it here. Okay, there you go. Didn't make it either. What? Oh, no. Hulk Hogan this week, in a continuation of the sex tape scandal. Oh, from a lot of months ago.

Yeah, has demanded that a website called, I believe it's called The Nasty, take down black and white photos that are pulled from the sex tape. Is the sex tape in black and white? Or did they just make it like an art film? Well, they made an artistic choice. Anyway, so there's three photos that it is unmistakably Hulk Hogan. Is it unmistakably sex? Oh, yes.

Oh, grody. Anyways, he's demanding that those pictures be taken down. The website says, make us. And so they are still up. Whoa. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to taunt the beast. Yeah.

Run something wild on us is what they said, which is tempting fate. Right. I don't know. Anyways, so he's demanding it. They're saying nada. It's a classic matchup. Will they meet in the squared circle? Well, they're going to have to.

That's the only way Hulk Hogan knows how to solve things. Describe these still images. They're very grainy black and white. One has Hulk Hogan from the behind so you can see that it is his hair and his baldness

and then hair. And then there's two of him on the bed and I won't get too graphic with that but you can see that his handlebar mustache. So you know that it's him. He doesn't wear the bandana? Oh no, he's fully fully he's all natural yeah yeah oh no he's still wearing his wrestling boots but that's it and uh elbow pads yeah yeah um i would also like to thank uh somebody i can't

remember the name of the person who sent us a link to an episode of Baywatch where Hulk Hogan and Macho Man have a piss off? No. They have a jet ski race and Hulk Hogan ends up with a jet ski landing on his head.

Causing permanent baldness. And then the Baywatch people resuscitate him, and he wakes up, and he hits on all of them. And then Macho Man comes in and goes, Ooh, I like these odds. It's really creepy, because I think they were both married at the time. I'm trying to see if I can find out the name of the person who said that. But anyways. Anyways, happy birthday to Channing Tatum.

He's 32 today. He's an actor. He's on 21 Jump Street, which I saw. Has anybody else? No, I'd like to. Surprisingly funny. I don't think it's surprising. I think it looks good.

To me, it was very surprising. Happy birthday to TLC member T-Boz. She plays T. She's 42 today. I heard a rumor that TLC is going to go on tour using the hologram thing. Using Adam Lambert. No, really. Lisa Left Eye Lambert.

Left Eye Lambert is going to step in. Big happy birthday to... A big happy birthday to celebrity wife Melania Trump is 42 today. Is she the latest and greatest? She's the current Trump wife or daughter. And also a happy birthday to celebrity zookeeper Kevin James. Oh, Paul Blart. Yes.

They're making a sequel to Grown Ups. Did you know that? Oh, Grown Uptor. Happy celebrity birthday to famous Jet. Jet Li. One of the most famous jets yeah there's the he was in West Side Story one of the jets

yeah exactly he was a jet all the way in Romeo Must Die they did a brief West Side Story interlude happy birthday to Gus from Breaking Bad. Giancarlo Esposito is 54.

And the answer to this week's celebrity trivia question. This woman was voted funniest woman alive by Earlobe Tugger Monthly. Oh, Channing Tatum. Carol Burnett is 79. 79? Really? Yeah. Wow. Congratulations. Do you think that's young?

She's kind of timeless. I think we can all agree. I was surprised that she has an age. Sure. She's like the Hills. You mean the ones that have eyes? The Hills have no age. So, happy celebrity birthday. Now, I understand, Rachel. You were walking down Barard near Robson.

Take us to this overheard. Take us live. All right. So, I was walking. Can we speak to the overheard? And this woman, and I assume she's trying to teach her child about environmentalism, but she takes kind of an interesting approach. She says, honey, it's like in that movie.

Once we cut down all the trees, then we'll have to buy the air. Wow. What movie? The Lorax? Is that the Lorax? I don't know. It wasn't 21 Jump Street. I know.

I just saw that one. So it's. Is it. Oh, you know what? wasn't 21 Jump Street. I know I just saw that one. So it's... Is it... Oh, you know what? It might be Spaceballs. It might be Spaceballs. It could be Spaceballs. Oh, I never thought of that as a parable for environmentalism.

Because I remember that Emperor Scrooge... Yep. Continue. One of the characters played by Mel Brooks, who plays, I think, Scroog Yogurt. I believe he also plays several of the clumps. He drinks Perrier, which is a brand of air. Oh, right. I believe it's the sparkling air.

But isn't there, yeah yeah they vacuum all the air out of the yeah something yeah um they cut down all the trees put them in a tree museum uh oh it was joni mitchell the movie yeah it was paved paradise the the counting crows remix maybe it was like a hippie parent movie yeah like that you only get from the library. The day the trees disappeared. It just seemed like a weird message. The trees are providing all this free air for now, but then in the future, it's like,

we're going to have to pay for that shit. You better start saving your nickels and dimes. That's the worst part about cutting the trees down. Saving up for your air allowance. In this economy? People buy bottled water now, but that didn't used to happen

until we cut down all the seaweed. All the whales. All the kelp. Oh, man. The Lorax. The Lorax then went on to endorse a... Hybrid? Yeah, but like an SUV hybrid. hybrid yeah which basically is just a car

that doesn't mean anything if it's a hybrid and it's also an suv those cancel each other out right no i i don't care it's like being a tough guy that wears guyliner right yeah oh maybe a tough guy with guyliner is a tougher guy than a guy without guyliner. Ooh, which one would I rather get in a fight with? Oh, yeah, that's one of those riddles of the ages. It's like... Yeah, because what I'd be wondering the whole time, is that a black eye? You'd be wondering maybe he's born with it.

This guy, I think he's giving me the London look. Yeah. Oh, Good stuff. Room tone? No, I think you're supposed to ask me if I have an overheard. Oh, Dave, do you have an overheard? I do. Do you have any room tone?

We haven't recorded in a couple weeks. Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do have an overheard. Oh, sorry. Mine is from my honeymoon. When did you go on a honeymoon? I talked about it before. We watched a lot of television in the room because we got all the good channels.

And HBO. No. Don't get greedy. We watched a lot of whatever we were talking about before duck dynasty oh that's not a good channel um storage wars and during storage wars they only have commercials for like class action lawsuits it's like did you take this drug and have these side effects? Well, you should. Did you have a hip joint replaced? Well, they did it wrong, so you should join this

lawsuit. But during one of the, I think it was probably in the morning during The View. Great honeymoon. We, there was a commercial for a dentist,

and someone who does dentist stuff. Dentistry. Dental implants, like veneers and teeth. Sure. Yeah. Mullers. And I just thought this was funny. In the commercial, they introduced the person as diplomat of the American Board of Oral Implantology. He's their diplomat.

Yeah. He's not the treasurer. Diplomat of what? Ornamental? Diplomat of the American Board of Oral Implantology. So, yeah, it's D-O-A-B. There's nothing. I don't think you used the of.

D-A-B-O-I. Da boy. That's on his business card? Yeah. Doctor whatever DDS da boy. My. Oh, great. You have an overheard too how rude of me not to ask i know where are our manners we've been all over the map i apologize rachel you have to be on the first week back blowing the dust off of everything blowing the dust off the rust and next week week, we've got to get the rust off my bust.

I haven't overseen. And this, honestly, there's, like, I knew the second I was walking down to the bus stop today, there were these guys that were dressed so much like guys who wanted to be uh an inner city gangster as to be cartoonish like as if they were going to a theme party but it was only two o'clock in the afternoon so i was like i think these guys are actually dressed like that you know oh you you didn't get my invite to the dress is your favorite gang member at two o'clock on a Thursday. But they were like three, you know, really white dudes. And they were wearing like big gaudy like gold chains and their hats askew.

And one guy was wearing golden sneakers. What gang were they in? The bus stop danglers. Okay. And they, anyways, they were drunk. They were drunk. And it was two in the afternoon and they were drunk. And at one point, this one, the lead guy goes to drop kick the bus stop post that says bus stop on it.

Why wouldn't he get one of his cronies to do it i know right and uh he drop kicks it well he misses it and nearly goes like balls into the bus stop sign but at the same time his giant chain swings around and hits him in the face which was the greatest because then he was going oh my god and uh and his uh his dude friends didn't know what to do to console him um and then i found out a lady started yelling them uh to stop swearing and then he said uh it's my birthday and so she thinks i'm drunk okay i'm i'm kind of drunk he says it at first like he's defensive and then he got on the bus and was trying this was

the greatest where he sat down in the back bench of the bus and he was yelling back and forth with this woman who was yelling at him before he got on the bus and he sat next to the only black guy on the bus and tried to cozy up to him and the black guy was like I'm only not murdering you

because like he was doing all sorts of hey i'm trying to do a fist bump with the guy and the guy's like i don't so black people are murderers uh oh i don't think that's what i said uh but you could tell in his face he's like i don't want why are these guys sitting next to me and trying to relate to me um which is what they were doing. And anyways, then they got out at the next stop because they felt they kind of like, I think they thought everybody was going to join in like, yeah!

Fuck that woman with the kids! And nobody did and then they got out at the next stop. I heard that there is now a social network for transit users in Vancouver. Is that right? And I don't know how it works.

Like, I went to the website. It doesn't work. Nobody updates it. I went to the website, and it just said, enter the bus stop number you're at. And I was like, well, I'm not at a bus stop. I'm at work. Yeah. And I don't work.

I'm not a bus driver. So that's not part of my work. I did no further reading. But maybe I'll have an update next week. We'll see. I'm sorry my over scene kind of went all crazy there. It was like a long story, but I felt like it was a story that needed to be told. Yep, absolutely.

Now, Graham. Yes. Now, in addition to overheards that we ourselves have, does anyone else get to contribute? You bet. People do. From all over the globe. If you want to send an overheard to us, you can send it to us via email to stoppodcastingourselfatgmail.com. Like these people have.

That's right. And we will start with a kids say the darndest things style overheard. This is from Heidiidi r um in minnesota heidi r uh i was visiting my sister in washington dc and her young neighbor came over to talk to her this kid was probably five years old and he was wearing a bunch of animal shaped silly bands do you know what i'm talking about yeah i like these rubber things kids wear, you know? Okay, we're all good. They're like Livestrong bracelets for... For animals. For animals.

He was taking them off to show her the different animals, and one of the crocodiles snapped. He said right away, now the crocodile ain't got no wife. I thought that was hilarious. But then it got better when a few minutes later, he was doing a comedy bit in which he would pretend that the lid on the garbage can wouldn't close, pretending to press it closed, but continuously letting it pop back up

and pretending to be frustrated. That's a great bit. That's all really funny, good visual. Can't get this working. All of a sudden, he froze like he had an idea, looked and pointed at the garbage can and said i got a job for you you want to marry a crocodile he called back to a thing his own joke from earlier all right natural born comic um i i like that uh one of the crocodiles snapped because that's what they do with their mouths uh yeah oh exactly. Double entendre. Right.

That's what makes that whole bit, it's like a three-way hilarious. Like that expression. A snapping turtle. Crocodile. This one is sent to us by Ryan D. I'm at a bar with some friends and a man just walked by

and said to nobody in particular, Look out, it's about to get funky in here. He then played Faith by Limp Bizkit on the jukebox. That's a George Michael cover? Yes, that was their first thing that they got. That was their mainstream crossover. Because they did a terrible version of that song. Yeah, but wasn't it really? That was their mainstream crossover. Because they did a terrible version of that song. Yeah, but wasn't it really?

That was really popular. Yeah, but it was not good. Well, I mean... Like the rest of their Ove. I mean, what is the definition of not good? Was it something that you could punch a stranger to? Yes. That you could punch a stranger to.

Yes. Was it a music that could make a whole Woodstock push over a soundstage? Yes. Yeah, a soundstage. So those are two... Didn't they shoot... A lot of people think that Woodstock really happened, but I say it was filmed on a soundstage. It was done by Kubrick while he was doing the uh the hoax the apollo hoax um uh and this uh this last one is a gentleman named steven n who comes to us via one of our uh

brother casts uh my brother my brother and me okay um he emailed them this to them and they forwarded it to us through our pneumatic tube system um a friend of mine and i were visiting uh your lovely city vancouver that's us wow uh for the first time last october from baltimore and pittsburgh uh respectively for a vacation which culminated in going to the NHL opener between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Canucks. The morning of the game, we decided to walk up to Stanley Park since we had nothing else to do, and we didn't realize how far

it was away from Rogers Arena. Very far, right? It's not close at all. While walking down a beady street, this guy is dropping local references. Yeah, are we supposed to yell our approval of these local hollers? While walking down Beattie Street, we are

approached by a man who is pretty obviously about to ask us for money. We politely decline to give him any, but wish him well. And then he notices the penguin shirts that we are both wearing, at which he points to us and says, Penguin shirts, eh? Man, you guys are real fans white power

and needless to say we kept on walking is that is that the penguin slogan that's just a thing that you i think it's just like a uh um like uh you go girl oh yeah right. It's just something that you say to people to empower girls. Girl power. Girl power the Spice Girls were never criticized for their hate speech.

Yeah, exactly. And why does the white pride parade always get rained on? And the pride parade Oh, stop. Stop, you. No, you stop. I'm pointing at myself.

Yeah. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also get overheards that are phoned in. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328, like these people have. Hello, this is Luke in Seattle, and I'm calling with an overheard slash drunk dial

because I'm at the grocery store. How else are you supposed to do it? Anyway, I was in the Asian food aisle, and someone walked up behind me, and they were with a friend of theirs, and one of them said, there's Panda Express, and the other one said, no, that's just Panda. They try to

get you. And the first girl said, well, what the fuck soy sauce are we supposed to buy? What? What was that last part? What the F soy sauce are we supposed to buy? If not Panda Express. Panda Express, that's a chain in the States. I think that's like a food court.

Chinese food. Yeah, okay. And they have their own line of soy sauce. I don't know. I don't know if there's any difference in any soy sauce I've ever tasted. Yeah, that's true. Also, how long does a bottle of soy sauce last you? 25 years?

Quarter century? I have a lot of stuff in my fridge, like soy sauce and Worcester sauce. Sure. Sure. Well, I don't. I think it has anchovies in it, doesn't it? Worcester sauce?

I never considered that.ovies in it. Doesn't it? Worcestershire? I had never considered that. And like liquid smoke. Secondhand liquid smoke. And I had it all in sort of my, just in a cupboard. And then I looked at all of the bottles and they said, refrigerate immediately after use. And I was like, I don't have to rebuy this stuff, do I? So it's just still in my fridge years later. It's fine.

Yeah. It's not fine? It's fine. Is it fine or is it not fine? It's fine. You're indicating you are not in. You are shaking and like. It's fine.

Your head, you weren't just shaking. What's the, can you think offhand what the oldest thing in your pantry or fridge is? Oh, my. I know exactly what mine is. Well, you've lived in your place for less than a month. No, no, but I have one thing that I've carried over with me. I think the oldest thing in our fridge is, Damon Schritter was on our show a little while ago. Like a year and a half ago.

And he's the only guest who has ever brought his own beer. And it's still in the fridge. Yeah. Pilsner. Pilsner. Yeah. What's yours? Well, I'm going to ask Rachel.

Same question. Oldest thing in pantry or fridge? Oldest thing. I think I have like a bag of orzo because I thought it was rice. Oh, I had orzo for dinner. And I was so disappointed because I was like, oh, yeah. And so that orzo is just like still sitting there. Mocking your decision.

It's like a rogue pasta. It's great. It is. It's delicious. It's rice-shaped pasta. But you thought it was giant rice. Yeah, and I was just like so angry that it tricked me. Growing up, my mother called it bird tongues.

Gross! Because it's roughly the size and shape of bird tongues. That doesn't... But not the pallor. It's like the cookies that they call ladies' fingers. I always thought that was really really unappetizing... Right? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Ladies' fingers?

Just lady fingers, I think. No, ladies' fingers. Okay. For many different ladies. And you? My oldest is a can of beans that I brought with me when I moved here from Calgary. It said, official beans of the Calgary Stampede on them.

And they stopped the Stampede in like 1982. Yeah, yeah, this was from when the Stampede first started. From the old west? I don't know why, but it was the one thing I grabbed from the kitchen where I was like, these beans! I'll bring them with me.

And why do you keep bringing them with you? As a bad luck charm? Hey Graham, here's a tip for your next move. Chuck them beans. I'm going to leave the beans at this house. But I just always thought it was very funny to like, and it was funny to move into a place and the first thing you do is

put a thing of beans in the cupboard and close it. See you in five years, beans. That is funny. Stop it. They're bringing you nothing but bad luck. Next overheard. Curse of the beans. Hey, fellows and possible guests.

I haven't overseen for you. I think this is actually a pretty common occurrence, but it's still funny to me. I think this is actually a pretty common occurrence, but it's still funny to me. I was walking past a football field, and a mother was dropping her son off for a practice or something. The son looked to be about 13 years old or so. She stops the car, he steps out of the passenger seat, leaves the passenger door wide open, just keeps walking onto the field and never looks back. That's all I got.

So he gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and just walks away. Yeah, that's like something out of Fargo. It's like he's committed all the murders he can commit. It's like when you're arguing with your parents and you're tired of slamming doors. You take the opposite tack and you just leave the door wide open and your mom can't close it from where she's sitting. So what's she going to do? She has to get out.

And then leave. Get out. Close that door. Go embarrass him at his football practice. door go embarrass him at his football practice um yeah so they just walked away with leaving the door ajar yeah um i had a thing like this was like a month ago or something i was walking past a car where the the what do you call it like the the hatchback was open. The hatch. The hatch. And I was like, I looked around. It was obvious that this had not been on purpose.

It's not like somebody was unloading something or coming right back. So I tried to close it. And I was, first of all, I was amazed by how many people just walked by it. Like, I was like, this is obviously somebody's left their car open to... You tried to close this person's car? Yeah. And boy, was that unsuccessful. Because every time I did it, the hatch just kept opening up. So I was like, oh, this is a broken hatch.

Yeah. Maybe it's not your problem. Well, it became my problem pretty quick. Because then people thought it was my car that wouldn't close. It was like a just for laughs game. It did. Oh, God. You just like to do tubes.

I just hear a bunch of tuba music. Oh, no. And you turn around and your bad luck can of beans is staring at you. Just can't give up the beans, man. Bad luck beans. The official beans of the Calgary Stampede. And finally. Do you remember or did you see the spaceship that they attached to the airplane?

They were retiring a spaceship shuttle in the NASA area and they were retiring it and it was on the news and they were transporting it across the country on top of a 747. Did you see that? No. Okay, well, that happened. This call has to do with that. Relevance. Hey, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is John from Hyattsville, Maryland, and I have an overheard for you.

I was at my job in Washington, D.C. today, and we all went up on the roof to see the space shuttle Discovery come on the back of a 747. It was circling around the city. There were a bunch of people up there watching. And there was a fighter jet accompanying it, the standard escort, I guess. And I hear one guy say, can't they just mount the fighter jet on top of the space shuttle, on top of the 747? And another guy says to him, oh, like a turducken. Oh, yeah. top of the 747 and another guy says to him oh like a turducken oh yeah but this guy doesn't know that he had a secret overheard that he delivered in his telling of the overheard

was that the shuttle was coming on the back of the shut up yeah but that's that was that was the secret surprise yeah that was the easter egg inside of that over yeah um yeah turd duck and planes great uh yeah great if you guys uh out there would like to call in your own overheards where you talk about machinery ejaculating another machinery uh 206-339-8328 and uh rachel burns let's try this from Matt yeah this will watch me elegantly move from point A to point B Rachel Burns

thank you so much for being a guest thanks for having me no thank you for coming you were great well thank you now

if people would like to learn more about you online where do they go where's a good place to find you online well I haven't really built up my web presence.

I know that you were planning on doing some web videos or something. Yeah, I don't know. I guess you could just find me on Twitter. Yeah, you're writing a script for some web videos or something. But you're also doing acupuncture and that's the route we went down. Working on making a website.

Yeah, you can find me on Twitter. Which is at? At analog underscore r. Analog underscore r. And you're tweeting daily. You're tweeting funny things. Hopefully, yeah. Observations about the world.

I'm making lots of observations. You're a regular Yang Cranker. Yeah, exactly. Retweeting a lot of political anger yeah yeah no i'm just yeah well yeah you're like oh what about what this mp said yeah those are the good tweets i guarantee you if you retweet something that an mp said that is an automatic unfollow yeah Yeah. Not on my Twitter feed. Jokes and celebrity gossip only. No Canadian politics.

No American politics. Although it is more entertaining. It is, but keep it, come on, keep it above the tweet line. Dave, do you have anything you would like to promote? I'm going to guess I probably don't. This is coming out the beginning of May Aren't you gonna open for a reggae band In Turks and Caicos?

I am I'm opening for Ziggy's and the Wiggies When the reggae bands were on They would always just add in Bruh And watch me now uh yeah so i will be

uh the hype man for some turks and cake i don't even know what the demonym is i don't know what people from the country turquoises yeah the turquoises turkikosians turkosians turkosians anyway

i really settled that Yeah, turquoiseans. Turquoiseans. Anyway. I really settled that. Whoa. Yep. So no. So no. But I will be posting a wrap-up blog, a recap blog at MaximumFun.org. What will be on it?

Oh, I don't know. Probably Jared Leto. Oh, I hope so. In an eyeliner. Also an Adam Lambert singing in a queen. I don't know if there's that footage. Singing inside a queen. Ooh,

what else? Whatever that crazy movie Rachel was talking about with the air being traded for bottled air. Yep. The Lorax. So that, and also bring maximum, bring, was talking about with the air being traded for bottled air. The Lorax. And also stop podcasting yourself to Chicago is a Facebook group that is

existing. Join that if you would like us to come to Chicago. Boy, we're rusty. A couple of rusty bolts. Oh, brother. Also, things of promotion-wise, May 17th at the Waldorf still tickets available if you want to see me record a comedy

special that will be released online only so people that live in other cities your Chicago's your Baltimore's I don't know any other cities you will be able to download it when it's done but people in Vancouver who want to come brownpapertickets.com, type in Graham Clark, and away you go.

It'll be great. Right? Great. Right. And if you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Turco-Casting Yourself.