Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 217 - Nicole Passmore

Episode Date: May 15, 2012

Improviser Nicole Passmore returns to talk West Edmonton Mall, Gene Simmons' kids, and marathons. And some terrible Drunk Dials.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 217 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I'm sure like myself is dreading the beginning of summer, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh, so many bugs flew in my mouth today. Oh, and I sweat. I sweated twice on the bus.

Oh, gross. I know, but I smell like Tropicana sunscreen. Is that right? Is it Tropicana? Tropicana makes an orange juice. Yeah, they make a really sticky sunscreen that attracts flies. Pulpy. Yeah, pulpy. It's not great, and I think it doesn't block

out the sun. I think I may have just put on orange concentrate. You wore sunscreen today. Yeah. I've got a big giant forehead and i saw someone call it a five head uh yeah six head tyra would call it that and i saw a reflection of myself in a storefront window and my head was shining so much that i was like oh that's a lot of sun rays hitting my uh because there's still skin that's still part of my anatomy you're not i don't think you can get a sunburn in the city.

I disagree because I know I've done it. I'll do it again. I think the only places you can get a sunburn in the city are on the beach or in the stands of a baseball game. Oh, sure. But what about waiting for a bus where there's no bus shelter for half an hour? Nah, you're fine. I don't believe you. And our guest today, returning guest, I'm going to go out on a limb and say a favorite.

An all-time favorite. A very funny lady indeed. She's an improviser. An improviser instructor. And what else would you say? What else would you say about our guest? What would I say? Is that an introduction?

Okay. Hello. Welcome. Hi. How are you? I'm great. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me back.

I'm nervous. Why? Because you said favorite. So? Your favorite? Yeah. Okay, as long as you're not speaking for anyone else. I like you fine.

All right, let's get to Noah. Get to Noah. Get to Noah. Nicole. Did I get it all right? You're an improviser. You teach improv to youth. Yeah. At-risk youth.

At-risk youth. I have, yeah. In a shelter. You're joking, but I have taught improv to at-risk youth. We've covered you. You don't know that. No, we were making jackass-y jokes, but actually you have done this. Good job, guys.

Tell us about this at Rescue. Well, it was for elementary school students whose parents were addicted to substances. Oh, this is a bummer. Like drugs. Yeah, redo. Yeah. So I understand that you teach improv to people who are

at no risk. I think that must be extremely intimidating, A. And if it goes well, extremely rewarding? Question mark? I hope so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. Yeah?

It is. I mean, I've also taught normal kids. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Throw it out there. Throw the N-word out there. Oh, man. Oh, boy. I think the last time you were on, I can't remember if it was the last time or the time

before, but you were taking a group of students that you had instructed in the ways of improv. That was a couple of years ago. To France. To France. To France. To find their fathers. I was coaching a high school team, and now I don't because I'm a judge. Got too close.

Oh, you're a judge. I'm a judge for that tournament now. So I can't really coach. Is it like how when you are a lawyer and then you become a judge and then a Supreme Court judge? Like, is there a process? Oh, yeah. Can you get appointed to, like, the Supreme Court of Canadian Improv Judges? Yeah. So what's going on with you?

What's going on? Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to GANSA in June. What's that on? Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to Gansa in June. What's that? Improv-a-Gansa. It's Edmonton's improv festival. I literally thought it was...

I thought it was somewhere in Africa. I thought it was near the Ganges in India. You thought, oh, you guys are bad. What? What? A couple of N words. I was going to say, you're both pretty normal. No, I'm going to Edmonton for that.

For the Gans? For the Gans. So what is that? What does that include? It's like an improv festival mainly, but they have some sketch and stand up. Like Maria Bamford's going to be there. Nice. The Bamber.

Yeah. Bamber at the Ganza. That's what she goes by, right? Yeah. She'll be impressed if you know that. That's a good opening I just gave you. Oh. I'm not going to be able to talk to her at all.

Why? I don't know. From what I understand, she's very socially awkward. And from what I know, I am incredibly socially awkward. And from what I know, I am incredibly socially awkward. Now, at an improv festival, I only know from stand-up festivals. But I know that it's a big... They're big drinkathlons. Yeah, and people hook up.

Yeah, there's a lot of... Well, there's also... I don't know if this is true of other festivals. That's when you plug in your VCR. Have you heard of technology? Yeah. Oh, so when my mom invites me over to hook up, she just needs a favor.

Yeah, yeah. A favor? Gross. Gross, guys. So at... Wait, okay. My question to you is at stand-up festivals, and maybe it's not the same,

but is there a bunch of, like, really intense flirting that never goes anywhere? Because I feel like improvisers flirt a lot. I feel like stand-ups are, first of all, every stand-up festival is a crazy sausage party. Right. It's almost all dudes. And, yeah, and then I don't feel like there's a lot of flirting. There is hooking up. But I don't know if there's anything that leads up to that or if it's just end of night.

And hooking up is sex or makeup? No, no, no. I don't want to explain this to you. This is a VCR. There's hooking up. Come to my hotel room. I can't get anything to work. There's a USB.

Yeah, what does hooking up mean? That means, because now teenagers, they've got a whole different vocab. Oh, yeah, it's like silly bands. Sure, right? What do you get, a different one for every? Every kind of hookup, you get a different colored bracelet. You didn't get anything when I was in high school. We didn't even have hand sanitizer when I was in high school.

What? What does that mean? Oh, a couple weeks ago, there was a news story about kids are drinking hand sanitizer. Oh, that's right. What? Yeah. You know. You judge kids.

Yeah. These are two things you should know about kids. Kids are drinking hand sanitizer. And also, some kids, I learned this from one of our sister podcasts, Throwing Shade, something called butt chugging. Oh. Which is putting a woman's tampon in vodka and putting it in yonder butt. So, men do this. Yes.

Or men boys. Yeah, men boys. Men boys and girly girls do this and it gets them drunk very quickly. Creative. Yes. Or men boys. Yeah, men boys. Men boys and girly girls do this, and it gets them drunk very quickly. Creative. Yeah. Without all the drinking. Yeah, and their breath smells fine. They don't need to drink Silent Sam.

That's just true. Yeah, that's right. If the cops pull you over and smell your butt, big trouble. If they have a police dog with them. If they have a fart-alizer. I would have gone for butt-alizer, but that's just me. Well, we're from two different worlds. We really are.

So that's what teens are doing now. Yeah. They're at so much risk. I want to know more about this flirting that goes nowhere. What does that mean? That seems like a... Well, good night. Yeah, Dave, can you go in the other room

oh no no that's how the that's the end of the night after all the like three hours of flirting yeah you're cute okay bye yeah um i don't know i feel like i feel may i maybe maybe improvisers will get mad at me for saying this, but I feel like a lot of them are very, very flirty. And, like, aren't either available... Oh! While the cat's away, etc. Yeah.

Or emotionally available. Which is what you need in a hookup. So they can get attached to that VCR. Yeah. So, uh yeah because that seems well that seems par for the course festival wise but there's more lady folk at a sketch and improv festival i'm assuming than at a stand-up festival yeah so i would think so i mean there's still a a lot of men, but there's a bunch of women. Yeah! Yeah!

This is happening. How about it? Girls! Yeah, all the single ladies. Yeah. All the single ladies. Remember that song? Remember that dance?

I remember it more as a movement, no? Yeah, it was a dance movement. Yeah. I remember it more as a movement, no? Yeah, it was a dance movement. Yeah. So you're going to... Sorry, it's called Improvaganza? It's just called Ganza.

It's called Ganza. What a jerk. Well, the full name is Improvaganza, but they call it Ganza. Yeah, but the fact that you thought we would know what you meant. Going to Ganza. Well, I'm sorry. I thought you guys were better than normal. Oh no, we're worse.

Much worse than normal. Do you attend something like this as an individual or do you go with an improv group? I'm going as part of the ensemble, so I'm going as an individual. That's like the select squadron. Is that what that is?

I guess. How does that work? I don't know how many of our listeners know the ins and outs of the improv world. I don't even know. What does the ensemble mean? Oh, it means that, well, there's 10 of us in this case, but it's people from all over. Like there's somebody from Germany, there's somebody from LA, there's people from all across Canada. Germany. Some of the funniest people on earth. My goodness.

I'm hoping it's the funniest. Oh, it's a he? Oh. Let's see if he knows how to go the distance. It's a real bratwurst part. Yeah, and then we basically work together and then put shows

on. Yeah. And then there's groups like the Sunday Service that come pre-assembled. Is the Sunday Service going as well? Yeah. This is going to be the greatest weekend week? Their whole festival is two weeks. Are you going for two weeks? I'll be there for just about two weeks.

My God, this is going to be the two weeks. This is going to be like, it's going to change your life. There's going to be a little bit of Cedar Rapids, a little bit of Breakfast Club. Like, you're really going to get out outside of yourself. Yeah, it's going to be summer campy. At the end, you're not going to want to leave. I'm going to come home with a mild liver disease. You're going to drink it?

The hope. Or just get an appetite. The hope plant cheats your love. No, I meant because of drinking. I'm hoping to come home with some form of hepatitis. Come on, B. What's the difference between the three

hepatitis? I don't know. Hepatite I? I always remember by using it's like Alvin and the Chipmunks it's like A is like Alvin

where he's like he's precocious yeah and what about Simon and Theodore what letters are they Simon is B cause

he's dispensable and Theodore he will kill you that one's a killer is one of Hep C is the word that's the one that's the Pamela Anderson oh that's how she died Expensible. And Theodore, he will kill you. That one's a killer. Hep C is the word. That's the one. That's the Pamela Anderson.

Oh, that's how she died. Yeah, exactly. That's how she passed away. Her first death. She got a pass. She has nine lives. So, will you go to West Edmonton Mall? Yeah, I've never been.

What? I've never been to Edmonton. And everybody's like, oh, it's just a mall. Oh, no, it's not. No, I can't believe that to be true. It used to be the biggest mall in the world. Before it was eclipsed by Mall of America? And now probably like eight malls in Dubai. Yeah, the first ever 30-story mall. Just go straight up into the air.

Into the Earth's core. So, okay, West Edmonton Mall. Yeah, I want to go. I've been once, I think. I've been five or six times. Got the worst haircut ever. Oh, really? You got a haircut?

From a dolphin. Why, of all of the things that you could do there, did you get a haircut? Most people would say, like, I'm going to go to the gun range or to the pool or to the amusement park. And you went to a Great Cuts? I was, I guess, 13. I'm the youngest in my family. How do you know it was a Great Cuts? Somebody's been doing their research.

Did you go to Great Cuts? I was the youngest in my family. How do you know it was a Great Cuts? Somebody's been doing their research. Did you go to Great Cuts? I was the youngest in my family by a few years. At that point, I was basically an only child. And I went with my parents. We drove there. And we went to Drumheller, Alberta. Saw some dino bones. Oh, you should do a day trip.

I want to do that, but it's far, isn't it? No. Not when you get there. You realize the distance hardly existed at all. And then, yeah, we went to West Image Mall. I don't know if we even went to the water park or anything. The only thing I remember is getting the worst haircut. Because I wanted a mushroom cut, because that was the style at the time.

Sure, you loved Mario Brothers. I wanted a mushroom cut, because that was the style at the time. Sure, you loved Mario Brothers. Shaved, like with clippers on the back. Yeah. I had one, too. Longer. But the woman misinterpreted what I meant by shaved.

And literally razor. Like just skin on the back and side of my head. Gross. And then my parents came back and they're like, what happened? And I was too shy to tell her not to. Oh, wow. And then they had to walk around the mall with this weird looking kid. With like a cholo kid. Oh, man. The last time I was in West Edmonton Mall

I was working There's a comedy club inside of West Edmonton Mall And I was working there And Before and in between shows You're just in Like you're in the mall Because outside it was like blizzarding

So you just Like it's weird because usually if you're doing two shows, you go out and you get something. But you're, like, just always in the mall. It's very, you kind of never get over it. Like, you go and there's the submarine ride, which everybody, every stand-up comedy guy in the 90s made fun of. By saying, Canada's military ain't so great. One of our submarines is in West Edmonton Mall.

Yeah, our Navy has two submarines and our biggest mall has three. Something like that. The submarine ride, long wait, not worth it. Did it four times when I was there. And then the amusement park is more of a bee amusement park because the thing like a lot of people won't know because they didn't grow up in canada but it was like people got beheaded or something and on that roller coaster right remember like a bunch of

people got killed on that roller coaster yeah it behemoth park. Yeah. It was a real behemoth. You thought Behemoth Park is the... They should call it Behemoth Mall. Behemoth Park. Oh. I'm dying. So what are you looking forward to from West Edmonton Mall? What are your expectations? Oh, I think it's going to be horrific.

It's got a wave pool. Yeah, yeah, I want to go to the wave pool. Yeah, you should go to the wave pool. Although, it's gross. Like, think about how many bandits come loose in that wave pool. That's where you're going to get the liver disease. My sister almost drowned in that wave pool. But you didn't even go.

No, I wasn't alive. Oh, you were dead briefly. No, that's why they had hers like we're gonna need a sister to donate organs to the one that nearly drowned yeah yeah my pregnant mom had she wasn't even pregnant with me i have two older sisters but wow are you the youngest yeah she was pregnant with one of my older sisters and another was like drowning my mom was like eight months pregnant and jumped in the pool to save my sister wow of course that's the mom instinct it's uh it goes from moment of birth all the way to death either a mom or chance um happy mother's day yeah yeah uh

well that's a sad story um this is just a tragedy maul she survived well it's not that sad I'm

but now I'm thinking people probably haven't there's probably it's probably been a drowning pool and the bodies have hit the floor well we already talked

there was you didn't have any problem making light of the fact that people were beheaded on the rollercoaster. That seemed to go down easy with you. But the fact that people drowned in the pool... Well, I mean, enough is enough.

What do you think the death rate is at any of the Dubai malls? It's high. Do you think they would hide it? Oh, I mean, they. I don't know. it's high do you think they would hide it what do you mean they I don't know because they probably have actual real amusement

park beheadings yeah and there's also a mall I think in Dubai where you go thinking that it's a mall and then you are hunted by the richest of the rich yeah you just go in and then you're like oh this looks a lot like a paintball course except instead of paintballs it's bullets and instead of it being a course they murder you instead of it being of course it is a mall yeah

like you can go you can get a pretzel uh but yeah uh yeah i think there's oh there's uh you i mean west edmonton mall is the thing like if you're in edmonton if you don't do it you're a sucker because it's a thing it's great yeah amusement park but if you're only there two weeks i don't know if you'll have time because there's a lot to do in edmonton it's true is that. It will snow. Yeah, it'll probably snow while you're there. So take one of the snow days, go into the mall. Okay. I'm trying to think. First time I went there, I remember as a kid, the movie Leprechaun was out in theaters,

and just the poster scared the shit out of me. I was like, ugh. And I can't believe I was ever scared of Leprechaun, now that I think about it. I was terrified of the one in... Was it in space? Yeah, he went to space. Is there wrapping involved in the movie? There was one where he went to the hood.

Both of them scared me. Seems like you spent a lot of time in both. Space and the wrapping one. What was it that scared you about those? He was so angry. Yeah, if you go to space and someone's after you, I mean, it's a bad situation. Well, no one can hear you scream.

That's the first part. Yeah. But no one can hear you rap, either. Yeah. And even if you call 911, you're like, can you send out a cop into space? I got a spooky feeling. That's what you say when you want to have a cop come over.

I want to have a spooky feeling. Yeah. Can a cop come and, you know, reassure me? Look under the bed, look in the closet. Yeah. Tell me a story until I fall asleep. A story about, you know, cop stuff. Yeah. Sip of wits. Oh, oh well i'm jealous that you get to go

to west ocean mall it's been too long yeah yeah well i'm excited about all of it no but mostly not just the mall i'm really excited for hepe yeah there's an improv theater also in the mall. There's an... Yeah. Well, there was when I was there. There was an improv place and a stand-up club all inside of the mall. Edmonton should just make its whole city into a mall, right? And then it'll be, A, the largest mall

in the world, and also you won't have to go to West Edmonton. You just go to Edmonton and it is a mall. Your colder Canadian cities have sort of underground like the buildings are attached underground so you don't have to go outside But I want shops in all of those connectors

I want to be able to go into a Roots and just not buy anything just look at, you know The heart wants what it wants So you're going to a festival, that's great That's your June The heart wants what it wants. So you're going to a festival. That's great. That's your June.

That's my June. What's your five-year plan? Oh, God. This show should just transform into asking people what their five-year plans are. And then we give them economic advice on how to make it happen. So let me get this straight. You're going to invite a bunch of comedians on. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. We might branch out. Talk about their five-year plan. Yeah. And then you're going to give them economic advice. Yes. We're going to be kind of like the Suzy Ormond slash. I don't think there's a d at the end of that uh i think it's ormond no it's suzy armand armando i think actually i think i i think the o sign

but when you spell it it's suzy armando it's orlando i think it's suzy orlando tony i think it's suze it is spelt suze suze orlando suzeE. Suze Armando. Suze Orlando. Suze Orlando. Suze Orlando, king of the bonkers. You should convert to that five-year plan thing. Yeah. Because it would be, like, really inspiring. Let's do it right now. What's your five-year plan?

What are you listening to? FYP. It would be really inspiring to other people because comedians have no idea. I don't think anyone has a five-year plan. Only, like... Yeah, no, people have five-year plans. Smug jerks. I feel like people who are doing martial arts have a five-year plan because it's like black,

like they're like, by this year... I'm going to be black. Yeah. No, but there's also people like... But it's all... People like my older sister. But they're not... Who's like, I'm going to buy a house by this point.

Exactly, their jerk plan. And then I'm going to meet somebody and have a baby. Exactly. It's like ever since she survived that drowning, it's all planning. She thinks she controls the universe now. Yeah. You're like, you know this whole plan can be wiped out by one wave pool. You know it.

Do you know what's depressing? You know what's depressing is that the only thing I know in my five-year plan is that I want to write a comic series called The League of Extraordinary Gentle Cats, which just has a bunch of historic and imaginary figures who are cats. Are they real cats or are they like humans reimagined as cats? They're like cats more dressed like humans. Okay. So like... But they're not like a George Washington, but a cat version of George Washington. Or is it? Or is it like Garfield?

No, it would be like... Cat Stevens. Well, Cat Stevens, yeah, but it would be a cat right yeah that looked like cat steven oh so these are their historical gentle cats or or fictional yeah yeah there's gonna be a mix but are the fictionals gonna be takes on famous fictionals like a sherlock holmes cat or are these made up it has to be it has to be the ones that have viable puns. Like, there are the classics. The classics like Meow-ja-dong and like,

Kittler. Right, sure. Absolutely. Franz Kotka. Yep. F. Scott Kitzgerald. Keep going. Cleocatra.

Yep. Nobody said stop. Keep going. I hate you. Tabby Gale Breslin. Tabail tabby gail oh i didn't have that one i did have um i did have i did have uh tabaret sadibi but i didn't have tabby gail breslin i have a list of 50 really okay i have a list of 50. Really? I have a list of 50 that I'm going to make characters for. Why does this have to be over five years? Why can't this just happen inside of this year? Why can't this just happen right now?

Yeah, we want this now. Why can't this happen right meow? Because I'm lazy. No, no, that's not true. Like a cat. You've got the ganza coming up. You're going to the Ganges. You've smoked tons of ganza.

I'm traveling to Africa. Yeah. I'm helping everyone in Africa soon How could I possibly think of imaginary cats? Doing improv in Africa As part of the Peace Corps They probably do, right? Peace Corps probably has an improv wing Give me an occupation Peace Corps Give me an improv wing. Give me an occupation.

Peace Corps. Yeah. Give me a grain. Mill it. Oh, lordy. Well, I want this on my desk before December 31st. Yeah, we're going to make this your... Five years from now.

No, no, no, no. Five months? Writing it? You know what? no, no. Five months? Writing it? You know what? Fine. Fine. Five months and your listeners, only like two of which will give a shit about that. That's not true.

Can hold me accountable. We only have two listeners. And both of them are big cat people. Big shit givers. Yeah. And historical buffs. All of your cat loving listeners can hold me accountable. Okay.

Five months. You'll be back on the show? Well, hold me accountable. Okay. Five months. You'll be back on the show? Well, no, no, no. Come on. No, I won't be back on. Why not? I want this updated. I want this held accountable.

I want footnotes. Footnotes. Bibliography. Paw notes, right? Because it's cat. That's what's fun. You can do all the different things, right? Okay, yeah.

Instead of footnotes it's paw notes do they have paws cats claw notes yes we'll work on it we'll work on it

there's no bad ideas in the room you just throw them out and they grow there's one it's a big one one bad idea which

what paw notes that wasn't bad no I mean the whole cat thing the whole cat thing. The whole thing of extraordinary cats. That's her.

Now you're Dave. Now you're just Ian. It's her pet project. See, this is why we don't have five-year plans. No, it's a great idea. No, it's a lot of fun. This is why people like me don't plan beyond tomorrow. Oh, you're going to cry? No, I was just being a fun guy. Was that what you were being? Yeah, yeah. I like to be antagonisms. Oh, you're going to cry? No, I was just being a fun guy.

Was that what you were being? Yeah, yeah. I like to be antagonisms. Yeah, yeah. Do you guys have five-year plans? No. Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah. I think we've talked about ours before. Yeah, I'm in karate, so I want to get to that black belt. Yeah. As previously said. And I'm going to fall in love with your sister. Yeah. Also,

I'm going to fall in love with your sister. Dave and I will probably kill each other over it. We're going to get sucked into your sister's five-year plan. Yeah, and she's going to get sucked into a drain at the wave pool. Oh, we're having a lot of fun. Cheers to that. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, not a lot.

But I... Have you seen... I think we've talked about this before, Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, not a lot. But I... Have you seen... I think we've talked about this before, how sometimes the local casinos will have ads for their upcoming acts, and it's a lot of washed-up singers and... Hermits, herbits.

Yeah, herbits, herbots. Herbits, herbits. And then comedians, and sometimes reality show people. Or, like, even, like, Perez Hilton. Yeah, what was the one, it was, like, the whole cast of Deadliest Catch. Yeah. Live on stage. The surviving Deadliest Catchers.

Or, yeah, I, yeah. They did, a few months ago, they had everyone from Gene Simmons' family, Jules. Gross. At the racetrack. Oh, at the racetrack? Yeah. Doing what? Just there.

Just as a sideshow? Seriously. They went to the racetrack one day. I heard that Gene Simmons bedded a horse. The winner. But, you know. That's what I heard. They did a, they came to the casino and they did like a Q&A or whatever. Or whatever people would pay 80 bucks to go see.

But now. Are your platforms really high? Yep. How long does it take you to put on the makeup? Follow up question. put on the makeup? Follow-up question. Take off the makeup. Uh, now I saw that they're,

just the two kids from the show, uh, Gene Simmons, Gene Simmons' kids, uh, his son and his daughter, who are like, The Kislets.

in their late teens, maybe they're 20-ish, Sure. uh, are coming to Vancouver to perform some blues and jazz standards. Ah! What? Do you have your ticket?

I don't have my ticket. My question is who... Ooh! Sorry, an owl is in the room. My question is who would go to this? I think, first of all, first and foremost, blues and jazz fans.

Fans of the classics. People who owe the casino money and are forced to buy tickets to every event in order to pay off their debt. The deaf. The blind. The dumb.

People who have wandered in there and have just been charged. the deaf, the blind, the dumb. Sure, yeah. People have wandered in there and have just been charged. Yeah, people who are trapped here. People who don't know. What is the name of the Gene Simmons duo? Is it just called the Kids of Gene Simmons? Yeah, it's like Nick and Ruth Simmons. It's not Ruth. I don't know her name

it is Nick though how do you know the boy's name because I saw the commercial I wonder if some of the people that show up won't be people who are wondering if they're going to recognize a brother or sister because Gene Simmons slept around a lot so maybe there will be people

looking for a family connection but I think they know the kid's mother well around a lot. So maybe there'll be people looking for a family connection. But I think they know the kids' mothers. Well, I mean, he says he slept with a lot of ladies. He's left a trail of unsatisfied women. So you're saying, oh, half brothers. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Illegitimate kids. These are who I think will show up I think a series of four dogs standing on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat and a hat who loves who loves blues and jazz yeah I also think a ghost of an old blues man

who needs to see one last concert I think that'll be somebody who'll be there who's got unfinished business vis-a-vis jazz I think somebody who has a Google Alert for Everything kiss who just automatically buys tickets. He's got a bot that buys

Everything kiss. He's gonna show up in his full costume. I think there's gonna be one Saudi Arabian businessman who comes, kidnaps the children, and brings them to the biggest mall in Dubai. Manhunt mall.

Why is it called that? You'll see. Someone paid a lot of money. Get a haircut. You'll see. So yeah, I'm really looking forward to that. I don't understand how there's enough of an audience

for them to go on tour as that uh have they sung on the show nope no and even when they went to the hastings racetrack you didn't have were you there it was the day i went to the racetrack a while ago you don't have to pay ever to the racetrack no and you didn't even have to pay to see them oh oh okay so i guess this is more people... I don't... He was like, they're doing a brief talk. But the whole family was going... And they advertised it.

There's nothing he won't do. I guess the draw is more tacky people will show up and bet more. Yeah. Sure. Was their horse painted to look like Kiss? Oh, that's a good... That would have been good. That would have been great. I would have liked good. That would have been great. Carrying a base shaped like an axe.

He's not going to win if he's carrying a base. Or maybe it's painted on to look like it. He's got little horse hands playing. That would be the greatest. If the horse was painted to look like Gene Simmons and the jockey looked like Paul Stanley, that would be great.

I'm going to start a uh web series yeah called the league of extraordinary horses uh-huh well now how does that work is it like historical figures that have horse names oh just really great horses oh oh so like uh sea biscuit yeah yeah sea biscuit um palominouit. Palomino-bama. Palomino-bama. Great work. You're dumb. No, no, that's brilliant. You're getting the words crossed again. No, I mean, we're dumb.

Oh, we're dumb as a unit. Unit of extraordinary dumb guys. So that's all that's going on with me Gonna go see The Simmons The Simmons Tweeds The Simmons Tweeds Blues Experience Yeah Tweet Simmons Blues Experience Or Explosion

John Spencer is an explosion So that's all That's literally all Well I can't wait to welcome them to Vancouver Yeah I hope we can get them on the show. Maybe they can sing at last. I guess that's technically neither jazz nor blues. No.

Graham, what's going on with you? Hi. Here's the thing that happened last week. My brother, past guest Patrick Clark, last weekend ran the Vancouver Marathon. Past guest Patrick Clark last weekend ran the Vancouver Marathon, finished it, didn't just run it and then quit halfway and say that he did it. He went the whole nine. He didn't do part of it on a scooter. No. On a Razor scooter. Oh, that would have been.

Can you tow me on this Razor scooter? And I went out. My parents were in town and we And we watched him run this race. And right off the bat, I don't understand. Is that 26 miles? It's 26 miles, 44 kilometers. Gross. It is gross.

It's gross. Ew, yuck. Yeah, right? Down with distance. Here's a question. Right off the bat, there was a guy... This is at the start line. We were waiting for everything to get started.

Okay, no. Start backing up even one more note. Dadada. In road races... I didn't realize this until I ran the Sun Run. People show up in clothes that they then just throw away. Okay. They just throw them off to the side of the road before the race...

Because it's cold out and they're waiting for the race to start. And then they throw jackets and pants and throw them off to the side of the road before the race, because it's cold out and they're waiting for the race to start, and then they throw, like, jackets and pants and stuff just off to the side. So, myself and my brother's girlfriend walked up and down the start line trying on, I was trying on hoodies, and I found one that was, like,

perfect fit, so I left my gross hoodie that I didn't want anymore and took a brand new hoodie. So that was great. That was a great start to the day. That's so scummy. What else am I supposed to do? Do they not go and pick that clothing?

No, they don't. Is the start line not also the finish line? No, it's not. And there's no... Someone's never seen a marathon. Well, I don't know. They could have it be a loop around the city. No. Did he run to the city? Yes, he did.

So that was great. That was a great start to the day. Second of all, there was a lot of people, a lot of people showing up in outfits. There was a guy dressed as a gorilla. There were two guys dressed in suits. And there was one lady who showed up with just so much eye makeup on. And I said right off the bat, I was like, I cannot wait to see this at the finish line. This is like maybe she's being sponsored by a no run makeup.

Yeah. And it did not no run. It was like it was a horror show because she finished shortly after my brother and it was everywhere it was terrifying um and uh yeah so a lot of people dress up and i don't understand is that a cachet to say i ran a marathon dressed as a gorilla or is that so that you can abandon like halfway and nobody knows that you quit because you're dressed like a gorilla yeah just throw away the costume or it can be be like, well, you know, I did it, what's a good time to run

a marathon? My brother finished in three hours and thirty minutes. So I think that's good. So if you're like, oh, it took me eight hours, but I was dressed as a gorilla. Oh, it's like a built-in, like I ran but I was a whole puppet show set and I was doing a puppet show.

I was the amazing Christopher. I saw the Green Men run a marathon once. The Green Men are like the Canucks, the hockey fans who wear green unitards. Yeah. And how was that? Was that good for you? Bad for you? I think it was a half marathon, but they were disgustingly sweaty.

Yeah, of course. They're in a full kind of a body condom, basically. Now, gross things happen in a marathon, right? Yes. Bowels evacuate. Stop it. Well, you asked. I was going for more like nipple chafing.

Yeah, nipples bleed. And they get that crazy legs. Yeah, they get super wobbly legs. Is that what you're talking about? It's like jelly legs. Yeah. At the end. Not in the get super wobbly legs. It's like jelly legs at the end. Not in the middle? No, but some people, if they aren't

prepared, that's what it looks like. It's like their legs wobble, but it looks like they're doing a crazy dance. And there's also those crazy veins some people have. Varicose. Did your brother tape up his nipples? Yes.

He sent them to storage. He didn't even use them that day. Varicose. Did your brother tape up his nipples? Yes. Does everyone tape up their nipples? He sent them to storage. He didn't even use them that day. Were people pulling off their nipple tape at the starting line? You were trying them on? Forget this. Yeah, I was trying on people's different nipple band-aids. Hey, you know what?

Free band-aids. This was like a brand new hoodie That somebody just threw on the ground Like what If not me who Maybe they were going to come back and get it though But how and who And also they didn't even have their name on it So there could have been a whole pile of blue hoodies

Maybe their name was Russell Athletic So yeah It was weird I guess people get cold at the end of marathons There were a lot of people shivering at the end of the marathon So, yeah, it was weird. It was a weird experience. I guess people get cold at the end of marathons. There were a lot of people shivering at the end of the marathon. Oh, yeah, and they put them in those, like, reflective blankets. Foil, yeah, foil blankets, which is...

Have you ever used one of those? Sure. No. Yeah, when I tan in the summer. I lay it out on the lawn. They're like emergency blankets. Yeah, I guess they keep the heat in better um yeah and also you can use them to signal overhead planes oh right right right strando

i would how would you would you i feel like there should be like a day-to-day use of them uh like if you live in a cold place like oh i you know i don't i can't afford a nice blanket but i do have this reflective foil one that I also use. You wouldn't use it by itself, but in conjunction with a duvet. Oh, sure. Like, oh, you put it under the duvet. Yeah. Because it's tacky looking, but it's nice when you're warm.

It's like, hey. It's a real lady killer. It is tacky looking. What about a lady who's a real fan of baked potatoes? That'd be kind of fun. It's like, what would it be like to sleep... And what woman isn't? Right?

To sleep in a giant baked potato. What woman isn't a fan of baking something in the oven? Oh, man. Like, that's, like, so kinky. What? Baked potato sex? Yeah, you got like some scallions in there. Some sour cream.

Some melted cheese. Dave, did you just grab your chest? Yeah, I think he did. All this talk of scallions. I guess I'm having, you know, palpitations. That could be all the baked potatoes you ate. I got chills. They're multiplying. So you went on a, you ate earlier in the day. I got chills. They're multiplying. So you went on, you saw a

tato race. I saw a tato, yeah. It was a sack race. Did I mention it was a sack race? It was three-legged. So I did that, and also I went to the Vancouver Aquarium. My brother's girlfriend, Renee, that was number one on the

docket the day before the marathon. I haven't been, I've been like once or twice since living here. Do you ever, Aquarium? I went on a date there a couple of years ago. Good date place.

Yeah. Except it smells a little. Yeah. But if you're a bit smelly, it kind of, right? But it is a good date place because you can look at things if a person's

being born yeah and then you like suddenly realize how much he looks like a sea turtle and you're like oh this was not better and this if you're gonna look like a sea turtle now what can i expect 10 years yeah what's your 10-year plan for looking like a sea turtle? What is your five-year plan to stay attractive while simultaneously looking like a sea creature? What's the most attractive sea creature? Go. Dolphin. Wait, wait. Underwater?

Or just all things that live in the sea? Yeah. All things that live in the sea. Oh, shit. Pirates. No. Yeah, yeah. Seahorses. Submarines. Se No. Yeah. Seahorses.

Submarines. Seahorses. Seahorses? Wait, what? Why dolphins? I don't know. Because they're sleek. I think like those

Nemo fish. Oh, the clown fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're fun. You know what? They're marriage material. I'm looking at just who am I messing around with.

Seahorses. Fuck, marry, kill. Yeah. Okay, yes. Seahorses? Yeah. A dolphin. Yeah. fun they you know what they're marriage material i'm looking at just who am i messing around with sea fuck mary kill yeah okay yes yeah a dolphin and a clownfish okay fuck the seahorse no doubt marry the dolphin and uh i think i'm gonna kill the clownfish nicole um oh god i going to kill the seahorse. Oh, wow. Okay. Marry the dolphin. Fuck the clownfish. Marry the clownfish.

Because you know they'd have a good time. And then kill the urchin or whatever. Seahorse. Wow. Two for killing the seahorse. Well, they're... Yeah. And they're easily killable.

But you know what the problem is? Oh, I forgot about sea monkeys. Sea horses... Oh, also... Men have the babies in the sea horse, so you're like, if you only hang out with the females, no chance of getting the females.

Yeah, that's true. I'm going to put sea horses in my League of Extraordinary Horses. Yeah, absolutely. Horses in the sea. Male sea horse. From the Spice Girls? No, I got it.

I got it. I understood the joke. And so how was the aquarium? Are you sighing at me or did we have to talk more about the aquarium? You. The aquarium was great. At one point, walking along with my parents, we ran into Young

Ms. Nicole Passmore That's true I met Graham's parents At the Not at the aquarium Just walking down the street Oh okay And they were

This is crazy Because They listened to every episode Of the podcast And they knew exactly Who you were As soon as I said And they knew

Like they knew Parts from that episode It was great So it was like they they were they became real fanboys both my parents uh but at the aquarium uh if i if anybody's coming to vancouver and they're gonna go to the aquarium may i suggest spending 100 of your time at the otter enclosure because those guys are showmen yeah they know how to put on a great show and this otter kept uh um attending to its own genitals which was great that was great first of all because i saw a lot of parents uh like okay let's go like that's enough like this you know

but what look at me. I'm an otter. But the great thing is that when otters do that, they don't just do it in a corner or whatever. The otter attached its face to its gennolaire and then spun around in the water like a tire kind of spinning in dirt. And it was the most entertaining shit. And then it would stop and the parents were like, oh, thank God that's over. And then the otter would swim by and then start doing it again. Like, it seemed like the otter knew exactly the amount of time to draw people back and like, okay, I'm past that now. And then the second the crowd of 40 would do it.

That's awesome. Yeah, it was great. I hear in the wild that otters are ferocious. They're vicious. Yeah, I hear they kill dogs. Really? Like if a dog was swimming in the ocean. If a dog is swimming in the ocean, you should steer clear of where the otters are because

they will pull the dogs under and then let them up and sort of play with them a bit. Yeah. Pull them under and let them up and then slash their throats. Wow. They're very territorial i guess okay guys fuck mary kill otter otter a dead dog i'd kill the dead dog that is horrifying my uh parents were in victoria before they came to vancouver and they were at my grandmother's house and she lives right near the water. And an otter was in her,

like in the flower bed of the apartment. She lives at you. It's cute, but also super terrifying because they are wild animals with giant jagged teeth. Like they're super cute when you're like, yeah, there's like eight inches of glass between me and that. And again,

he doesn't care about me at all because i'm not as private right ah but on land they're menace anyway so that's all that's all the news that's fit to print well that's great how did and so three and a half hours as a was your brother happy with that marathoning yeah i guess i guess uh the vancouver marathon is used as a qualifying marathon to get into the Boston Marathon. So there's real people who have come from all over the world to run this marathon so that they can qualify. So it's weird that there's these elite athletes and then also somebody in a gorilla costume. It's just a real mixed bag. But yeah, he was happy.

He survived. He didn't have to use a foil blanket. Oh, good, good, good. Didn't get wobbly legs. Nope. No wobbly legs. Didn't evacuate. Nope.

He carb-loaded. And we all carb-loaded with him like a sympathy pregnancy pain. Yeah, at the Olive Garden. Yeah, and I just feel like garbage a week later. Because why did I keep carb-loading after they left? That doesn't make any sense. And during the race. Yeah.

Guys, I brought more carbs. Why did I show up with a giant thing of garlic bread? Yeah. We're good, Graham. You guys maybe are. Oh, Lordy. Let's move on to some overheard. Let's do some business.

Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of business. This week's business is of the birthday variety, we think. Well, it's hinted at. Yeah. I hope it's not a surprise birthday. Oh, yes.

I believe it is a birthday. It is a happy birthday this week to Erin from Seth. Now, Erin is a listener to the show. And a couple of years ago, maybe about a year ago, she sent in an overheard about Sicilian pizza. Sure. Something about mad bread. Yeah, mad bread. And apparently she's a very big fan. Sicilian pizza. Something about mad bread. Add mad bread.

Apparently she's a very big fan. She has the Spy Tote Bag. The limited edition Much Ballyhooed Spy Tote Bag. I have one. You have one. Oh, maybe I do have one. I don't know. I always forget bags at home. Yes, I'll take the plastic bags.

Horrible. Yeah, so happy birthday to erin from seth uh you'll be uh uh enjoy your trip to seattle in july yeah she said any chance of a live vancouver spy but i don't think so but not that we know of but if if we if we find out you'll be the first to know but i do spend a lot of my hangout time at the Space Needle. You know that. That I go down there at least once every two weeks. I've got a standing gig at the Space Needle.

I went to Seattle this past weekend for my niece's birthday. And shopped at all the premium outlets. Sure. You went to Armani Exchange. You went to a Nike's Away. You went to Ree Nike's Away. You went to a Reebok's Outside. These are all the outlet stores

you've got to check out. I went to Le Sportsac. So happy birthday to Aaron. Yes. Seth either loves you very much or loves you like a sister. Or likes you like more than a friend. Yeah, definitely. I think Either way

Now if you would like to have a message read on the air Or, you know, sort of butchered on the air What? By who? If you would like to wish someone a happy birthday Or have another message That you would like to spread Congratulate them on their divorce Go to MaximumFun.org

Give them big ups for coming out of the closet. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's $100 for a personal message like that. Or if you have a business, it's $200 for a business message. Also, Graham and I were talking about this before the show. How sometimes people complain that they've sent in overheards that haven't been read on the show. Yeah, give us $100. We'll get 100% guarantee. we'll read your overheard.

Yeah, if you can fit it into the text part of the Jumbotron. If you can fit in that, and also we'll read it, and Dave and I will freestyle rap about your overheard. That's my guarantee to you. Because we're good at freestyle rapping. We're good about freestyle rapping. freestyle rapping we're good about freestyle rapping yeah we're good about it we follow through

well we've never turned it down we've never turned down an invitation yep so that's that let's move on to overheards

overheards so overheards maybe you've heard of it maybe you haven't but it's things that you've heard using your head portions

but I suppose before we do overheards, Graham. Oh, what? It's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment called Celebrity Birthday. Celebrity Birthday. It's a celebrity birthday.

We wish you very happy ones. Big celebrity birthday. We were recording this on May the 12th. Big happy celebrity birthday. Dave, shut up before that i want to do my favorite segment which is hulk hogan news uh hulk hogan news i reported for my many hulkamaniac reporters in the field a couple weeks ago that hulk hogan was selling his mansion his mants uh and he was gonna buy this is in florida this is in yeah miami florida uh he

yeah he had a mansion in a swamp uh he was gonna sell this mansion downgrade go for something a little bit more simple he has purchased a mansion a hulk a mansion a 3 Hulk-a-mansion. A $3.3 million mansion. It's modest compared to, I believe, the one that he sold was in the teens or $20 million range. Yeah, it's where Hogan Knows Best was shot. I want to say $6 million. It has heritage status. It has movie star status. You can't renovate it because it's got heritage.

Yeah, so Hulk Hogan and his wife, Macho Woman, are moving into a new Hulk mansion. Is he with his wife? He's with a new wife. He's got a new wife? Yeah. Why didn't I hear about this on Hulk Hogan News? Oh, this is before Hulk Hogan News even existed. Exactly.

News. Oh, this is before Hulk Hogan even existed. Exactly. He married a woman that looks exactly like a young version of his wife. Oh, okay. So like a Brooke. Yeah, he basically, yes, he basically married Brooke Hogan.

And they're now living together in a modest, by Hogan standards. It's probably very white, and there's probably a tiger skin rug somewhere. The sliding scale of modesty for a man who wears a speedo every day to work.

So congratulations to Mr. Hogan on his new home. Mazel tov. Home is where the Hulk is. Okay. Well that is some great Hulk is. Okay. Well, that is some great Hulk Ogan news. I don't know if anyone can hear it. I hope not.

But there is some construction across the street from here. I apologize if it makes it into your ear canals. Rowdy Rowdy Piper is moving it across the street and he's customizing a house. Oh yeah, maybe the Hulkster is moving north to escape Vietnam. You know what?

It would be too hard. Because he's always shirtless. He'd have... What? To escape Vietnam. The war. The war effort. Oh, not the country.

Yeah, Charlie don't surf, et cetera. Napalm smells. Do you smell some napalm? I think that's the line from that movie. Hmm, I like that smell. What time is it? Is it the morning? Oh, I think that's the line from that movie. Hmm, I like that smell. What time is it? Is it the morning? Oh, I like this time of day and that smell.

Mmm. Oh, no. It wasn't napalm. It was Johnny Cakes. Mmm, I sure could go for some Johnny Cakes. Robert Duvall. Yeah. It's Celebrity Birthdays.

It is May 12th. Happy Celebrity Birthday to friend of Stifler, Jason Biggs. He is 34 today. 34. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Biggsie. What do you have sex with on your 34th birthday? Oh, yeah.

What pastry? Is it the paper anniversary? Happy celebrity birthday to Tootie from the Facts of Life. Kim Fields is 43. Really? Was she also on Live and Single? Am I being racial? What is Live and Single?

It was a show on Fox. I remember she made a guest appearance on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That's what I'm thinking of. And that was a big, like, hey, Tootie's really moving up in the world. Gone are the roller skates. In are the spike heels. She took the good, she took the bad. Are spike heels

the thing? Spike heels? Like stiletto heels? I don't know. I don't know. I just heard the phrase but it was in an 80s movie. I think that that means like a stiletto heel. That's some real

grindage. Speaking of grindage, happy celebrity birthday to Tony Hawk. Oh, well done. It's 44 today. Thank you very much to the person operating the grinding device outside the window. It's just a giant rock polisher.

Bring out your rocks, neighbors Tony Hawk Maker of the Tony Hawk video games Do people still play those? I don't think so Do you think that Tony Hawk lets his kids skateboard Or is he like Yeah, he's like

I went down a weird path I don't want my kids to follow me Went down a weird path, made me a multi-millionaire But it's like I'm sure Bob Dylan told Jacob Dylan, hey, come on, do anything but music, because I'm Bob Dylan. You know what I mean?

It's like, you're not going to be good. I'm Tony Hawk. But Jacob Dylan proved him wrong. You're right. He proved him wronger than, you know, Paul McCartney's weird son. I listened to one headlight on the way here. Oh, really? It was one of the songs that I listened to one headlight on the way here. Oh, really?

It was one of the songs that I listened to. You turned the engine, but the engine didn't turn. It smells of cheap wine and cigarettes. This place is always such a mess. Sometimes I think I like to watch it burn. Is he talking about Sears when he says that? Yeah, this place is always such a mess. I think it's Nordstrom Rack.

So, happy birthday to Tony Hawk. Also, big celebrity happy birthday to Emilio Estevez. Emilio Earhart. It's Emilio Earhart. He's 50 today. He's a brother of a sheen. Yeah, and he... I mean, everybody wants to know is there a chance of a Mighty Ducks

18 or whatever number they got up to it would be 4 was it really? they only got up to 3 on video? no no no they didn't even do a video they were all theatrical releases I feel like there may have been a video do you think they would reunite

the original Mighty Ducks and it would have mid-30s Joshua Jackson and Kenan Thompson? Yes. I would watch that. I think everybody would. They're playing beer league hockey. I would watch that. I would watch

a Sandlot reunion film. Everybody wants that. Everybody wanted a Stand a sandlot reunion film oh yeah everybody wants that everybody wanted a stand by me too yeah then everybody died in it nobody nobody's left who's left from stand by me uh jerry o'connell he died he died in a surfing accident no no no no just his career died in the surfing jerry o'connell's going strong he's's on Broadway. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Phantom of the Opera? No, he plays... The Lion King?

The plant in Little Shop of Horrors. He's featuring in Sliders the Musical. Yeah. I would go to see that. What, Sliders the Musical? Yes. Are you watching Sliders on Netflix currently? No, I watched Sliders on TV when Sliders was on TV. Yeah, Friday night.

Yeah. Does it hold up is the question. The answer coming quickly. No. I don't think it was ever good, but I watched it. It was like the only sci-fi thing I ever watched. Really? Oh, I watched them all. Yeah, because I've been re-watching Quantum

Leap on Netflix, and I realize I love it just as much. I think it's pronounced Quantum Leaf. Yeah, that's true, actually, because they just browse through the pages of history. Just leaf them through. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Happy celebrity birthday to Ving Rhames is 53 today.

Great. Anything about him? He's going to star in the sequel to Piranha 3D Piranha 3DD and in that movie spoiler alert the piranhas eat his legs in the first one

so in the second one he comes and he's got metal poles for legs and the answer to this week's celebrity trivia question celebrity birthday trivia question. Celebrity birthday trivia question. This actor makes Billy Baldwin look like Alec Baldwin. Daniel Baldwin. Stephen Baldwin. Stephen.

Of course it had to be Stephen. He's 46 today. Daniel Baldwin came into the coffee shop I used to work at and did cocaine in the bathroom. And also smoked a cigarette in the bathroom. We had to ask him to leave. Did he tip you? Did he buy coffee? Yeah, he bought a coffee, but he never drank it.

He bought a coffee as a way to, like, I'm coming back for my coffee, and then he locked himself in the bathroom and smoked a cigarette and did cocaine. And it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon. What day of the week? I'm going to say a Wednesday. Oh, that's like a big cocaine day.

Yeah, you got to get over the hump. Hump day. Yay. Guys. Well, hump day, bump day. Oh, that's a thing. Bump of cocaine. Yeah.

Wow. Keep going. And then you get high. And? And then you smoke a cigarette while ruminating on how you're the most failure brother. And then? They might have a non-actor brother. No.

No way. No, no, no. There might be like 11 Baldwins. I think this was the non-actor brother. Technically. Yeah. He'd been in a thing, but it was just like, ugh. Shouldn't Alec Baldwin have said to all of his

brothers something similar like Bob Dylan would have said to Jacob? Like, just don't bother. I thought you said sent all of his brothers. Like, sent away. I don't know. Billy had some luck. Did he?

Daniel was in The Usual Suspects. I thought Stephen was in The Usual Suspects. I don't know Billy had some luck Did he? Billy and Daniel Was in The Usual Suspects I thought Stephen Was in The Usual Suspects Sorry Yeah Stephen was in The Usual Suspects And Celebrity Apprentice

Billy was in Backdraft Stephen was also in The Viva Rock Vegas Flintstones sequel Did he play Fred? No he played Barney Oh Silly me

Yeah The guy The British guy That was in I think The Full Monty sequel. Did he play Fred? No, he played Barney. Oh, silly me. Yeah, the guy, the British guy that was in, I think, The Full Monty? Yeah, yeah, you have to be of noble birth to compete. Yes, yeah, he was Fred Flintstone. That's from The Full Monty.

Was he, well, he had a sitcom. Yeah. Why bother? Anyway, happy celebrity birthday to all you jerks. Now, Nicole, we like to start always with the guests. Overheards are things that people overhear on the street, in a parking lot, in a head shop, doing a bump of cocaine. In a bathroom, in a coffee shop bathroom. Do you have one?

Are you ready? Well, I mean, it's not funny. It's more depressing. I can't wait. Well, it was depressing to me because I don't drive. Don't know how, never do. So I'm a bus frequenter. Unlicensed?

I'm unlicensed. Do you have an ID card? How do you get into clubs? Passport? I use my passport. No, you don't. Yeah. Wow.

I know. Abby uses. Really? Yeah. You know you can get a government ID card that looks like a driver's license. Yeah, like a BCID. Yeah. But I had one, but then it got stolen, and then I didn't replace it.

How's your identity doing? Also stolen? Well, I have no money. I work as a comedian mostly. So, you know. So you've got fun. What if someone else tries to show up to Ganza as you? Then good for them, I guess.

Yeah. I figure if they worked hard enough for it, they earned it. Yeah, that's the law of crime. Well, they worked very hard by finding your ID. Yeah. You guys planned this crime really well, so I can't necessarily arrest you because you really wanted these jewels.

Yeah. If you can make counterfeit money good enough to pass as real, I don't think you should go to jail. I think you should be applauded. If you make it reasonably the same color, I think... You think you should be hired by the government? Or you should be able to spend it.

Yeah. But only at those exchange shops. Like the outside outlet stores. You're allowed to spend it there. Only at Le Sport Sac. So, you can't drive. You're a buspo. shops like the outside outlet stores you're allowed to spend it there low sports yeah low sports exactly so you can't drive you're a bus po i was on the bus and there were a bunch of people just uh chilling just talking and i guess it was a family they were somehow related i couldn't

really say like maybe cousins or siblings um and they were talking about this awful member of their family who might have been the dad, some patriarchal figure, and how he just sounded awful, like a drunk and just trashy. But at one point, one of the girls said, God, he thinks he's so cool because he's mentally challenged. God, he thinks he's so cool because he's mentally challenged. And I almost wanted to interject and just be like, do you know either the definition of the word cool... Or the definition.

Or mentally challenged? Or what sort of state have you been raised in which that is the test of coolness? It's pretty cool. Also, just like cool for... You know who I think is really cool? Sling Blade. Yeah, right? Anyway, so that was just a thing.

And I'm not certain that this person actually is mentally challenged or she just doesn't understand. Or maybe she meant like... I don't know the details. The reason he thinks he's cool is because he's meant to. Maybe, but it really didn't come across that way. Really didn't come across that way. Sounds like a real... Where was this?

In Burnaby, if that means anything to anybody. Oh, it means a lot to me. Deep down. Dave, overhe Hurds? Mine's an overseen... I don't know if this is anything. Why not upsell it? Well, Hurds was like, I don't know

if this is funny. Well, it's more depressing than if anything, really. Mine was just... Do you know the song Classical Gas? Yes. No. It is a guitar song. It's like an instrumental song from the 60s, I think. It's very, very hard to play.

We can drive it home with one headlight. Oh, I know that one. with one head Oh, I know that one. A guy, a busker in, it's an overseen a busker in the Skytrain station here was playing it

was just starting it up and then like a drunk guy was standing next to him and playing air guitar right next to him. I thought that was great. A guy playing air guitar next to a and playing air guitar. Thought that was great. A guy playing air guitar next to a guy playing real guitar. He should have put down a hat as well. Yeah, yeah.

Just like, well, let's see what people... Is it the showmanship or the way that you play? Yeah. Hey, Graham. Yep. You? hey graham yep you uh i have been looking at places to live and uh good for you thank you um it's the worst and it is the worst it's like a job interview but the the end result is that you will end up paying money to the person who is interviewing you. In a perfect world. Yeah, absolutely.

Uh, so I, we went to this one place and, there was a gentleman showing us around and then there was an older gentleman wearing what I think to me is the perfect outfit for an old man, which is a jumpsuit, one piece with a, just a zipper. I think that's great with white sneakers.

So he was wearing the exact thing that I hope to be wearing. Uh, well, one piece, with just a zipper. I think that's great, with white sneakers. So he was wearing the exact thing that I hoped to be wearing. Sunday. Well, yeah, not far from now. Like a jumpsuit, like a... Like a mechanic. Oh, okay. I was thinking like an Air Force pilot. Same thing.

Same. Same. Just one zipper. And we were checking out the place, and in the basement they had what's called, like, I guess an old house that had a cold room where you would put preserves, right? Oh, like a pantry or a wine cellar. But it's, like, downstairs, and it is cold, like, it's not insulated at all, so it's, like, the undergroundness keeps things cool or whatever. And this old guy just started talking about canned preserves i was looking in the other rooms but you could hear him in the other room talking just in general about

canned preserves and saying how uh his mom used to make canned preserves and that's what that was for and then he said girls today they don't they do not make jams and then he changed his tooth like in the middle like it was like he was condemning the girls of today and then he backed off and was like and why would they you go to a grocery store you could buy every type of jam so i really thought this was gonna be like here's what's wrong with girls today but really it was here's what's right with jams today. With jam availability. Yeah. Well, with a name like Smucker's, you guys.

It's gotta be good. It does. It's gotta be good. This guy was the great... I really, like, I want to be like that old guy. But like, not even when I'm old. Just soon. Soon.

Yeah. So, if you, listeners, if you have a one-piece jumpsuit you would like to send to Graham. Or me. Would you like to do that, too? I seriously would love the ease of just wearing a jumpsuit every day. Yeah. There's this singer named Charles Bradley, and on the cover of his album, he's wearing a jumpsuit. And to me, it's like the perfect.

What era are we talking about? He is modern, but he's an old guy. But he's wearing like a black jumpsuit that has like pockets, but with like gold zippers on them. So it's also like awesome. Yeah, of course he would. Right? Yeah. You haven't even seen it.

No, I know. Exactly. Right? If it fit me. Even if it didn't really fit me. You would roll cuffs? Absolutely. The only problem.

Because that's the beauty of a jumpsuit. You can do that. Everything about a jumpsuit is beautiful. Here's what's not beautiful about it. Sorry to rock your world. Okay, Dave. You're wearing pants and a shirt. You spill mustard on your shirt.

You just change your shirt. Jumpsuit? Oh, I've i gotta take off my entire thing i don't you know what first of all here's here's the first thing when i start wearing the jumpsuit i'm gonna move into a different stage of my life i'm not gonna be around people all preserves also i'm not gonna be around people who are gonna be so finicky about that type of stuff they're all gonna have slop on their clothes. Because we're just a roving band of good time guys. Is that how you imagine jumpsuits?

That's how I imagine my life. I just imagine that they have that, like, polyester sheen that you can just wipe everything off of. Oh, like they're so easy to clean. You spray them with... Some sort of varnish that propels. Ouch, shout, shout. Ouch spray them with... Some sort of varnish that propels. What's the... Scotchgard.

Out, shout, shout. Out, shout. Scotchgard. Uh-oh. Isn't there something called shout? None of us are modern women. Shout out, out, out, shout, oust. Grout, grout, scout.

Scout, scout. Scout. Yeah, I'd also just think get the black one with the gold zippers, and the stains don't show up. Yeah, no doubt. Because I'd be eating mostly gold leaf, gold slugger. I'd be drinking gold slugger. And eating black caviar. You'd feel so good in that goddamn jumpsuit.

There's no question I would feel good in it. And just the fact that this guy was taking the time to talk preserves, it was great. Life's great. Life can be really beautiful if you wait, if you smell the old guys. Well, thanks everyone for listening.

We don't have any more overheards? Oh, we do actually. Oh, we do, okay. Because people from around the world can send in their own overheards via an email transfer. Like on Dias. You can send them to

stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com Like these people did. This first one comes from Luis. Via Condios. North Devon, UK. Okay.

Devonshire, home of the cream. Is that right? I don't know. Okay. I was in my local Tesco. Does everybody know Tesco? Is it a grocery? It is a grocery. Yeah. Store. Store. Shop. Supermarket. Yes. Actually, that's what the next word is. I should have read the next word.

Would have cleared it all up. I was in my local Tesco supermarket this afternoon and overheard an elderly and rather severe woman say to her very leathery and tired-looking husband, That's very interesting.

The soup here is two pee more expensive than at the campsite. Pause. Oh, no it's not. Says Louis. I'm not sure whether she realized she was wrong about the price Or how interesting it was

That's true Right? Yeah A P is a unit of measurement A pence Why? There's pence and then pounds But they also call them P and quid

Ugh Quid pro quo Well, we call dollars bucks or buckaroonies. Snackers. Bones. Dough. Red. Cheddar. No one calls them dough. It costs me 40 dough.

I do. Or 40 cheddar. But we don't shorten cents, do we? Well, pennies. They're called pennies. Calling them cents is a shortening. $4.35 pennies. Well.

You're not wrong. I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong. They're getting rid of the penny. Thoughts. Oh, right. We don't have that anymore. I think it's going to be really hard to pay all these crazy prices that are like something 38 with no pennies.

I guess I owe you two, or I can just have it for the 35. There will be a rounding up procedure. Will there? I think so. What about penny candy? If you buy one piece of penny candy, will they round it down to zero? Okay, is there a heritage site that you can still buy penny candies that's less than five cents you're right this next one comes from jason r jason r um

he sent in many but this is the one that really uh tickled my fancy the uh happened in a bathroom at a local bar i was at the urinal while the guy at the urinal next to me left, and a new guy came to take his spot. The new guy looks over at the original guy and says, Whoa, did you eat asparagus, brah? Pretty great. So gross. No, but I mean,

what is a better conversation opener than that? Yes, I did. No, I didn't. What's your favorite asparagus recipe? Steamed. Steamed with butter. Yeah. You know what my favorite

thing to talk about in the bathroom is? Silence. Yeah. Oh, man. Sure, it's quiet in here, right? But now, that's a dude thing only

because in a ladies' bathroom it's a chatter fest, right? Everybody's talking about everything. No. What? I thought it was a community because girls go to the bathroom together yeah and uh let me just step in some uh arena that no comedian has ever touched what's with that well guys after i finish making

my daily preserves go on um what do you do a peach i a satoon berry? I certainly have to go to the bathroom with another woman. Because... You have done that at a bar. Yeah, of course. You talk to your friends, but you wouldn't talk to strangers. We're not nice. We're women. Oh, yeah.

Meow. Like, men are... Build that into the League of Extraordinary Gentle Cats. Oh, meow. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to have... This should be a place where they're very catty with each other. I'm simultaneously unimpressed with you and with myself right now.

But also using cattiness to fend off his suggestion of cattiness. Yeah. Oh. Very meta. Yeah, me. This is a... To the ow. Me wow. Me wow. yeah oh very meta yeah me this is a to the me wow me wow um but you sometimes you yeah i guess you

would talk to the women you go to the washroom with and we sometimes make polite conversation at the sink but when the door is closed you don't really talk to people When the door is closed Hey Daniel Baldwin, are you doing a cocaine? I've been to those restaurants Where it's like the bathrooms are separate But there's a communal sink And women act very different around the sink Than guys do What do we do?

What do we do? I represent all women. I am man. Hear me roar. I feel like women are paying more attention to what they look like in the mirror and guys are mostly just washing their hands and looking for a thing to dry them on. They're looking for the Dyson. They're looking for a paper towel.

Worried that a drop of urine is on their pants. Great, so women are passive and men are active. Or are women active about how much they care about how they look and men are just a bunch of jerks. Men are trying to get out of there. I think you misread my broad characterization. I've been to, yeah, I've been in bathrooms like that before and I sort of like make a deal with myself that I never

need to go to those again yeah I feel like it's not it doesn't encourage understanding it just creates more confusion amongst sexists it's just uncomfortable oh sure this last one comes from Brittany

in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I work at a company that helps people file for social security disability and I have come across some great real names. Just a list of... One of my favorite things.

First of all, there was about 12 people with the first name Gay. That seems crazy that anybody... First of all, because it would be Gaylord. There is no woman version of Gay. Yeah, there is. Is there really? Gay. Just as Gay. G-A-Y-E. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah, I think there was a woman in our church named Gay. There's somebody named Dat Boy. That's pretty great. Dat Boy. Somebody with the first named Dat Boy. That's pretty great. Somebody with the first name Beaver. It's a woman. Somebody with the name Hans Franz. And finally, somebody with the name Bienvenido Condom.

Welcome, condom. Bienvenido condomom so those were all great if you want to send your own stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept overheards that are telephoned in if you would like to call in

our phone number is 206-339-8328 like these people have. Hi, this is Michael calling from the small town of Acton, Massachusetts, with an overheard. So the other day I was at a supermarket here in Acton called Donalyn's, basically a small chain in Massachusetts. I don't know if they're anywhere else. But they're around here, and there's one in Acton. So I was there the other day

and I was going to buy some ice cream, one of those little pints of Ben and Jerry's. And so I walk by and I see these two larger women, one of them in her 40s, late 40s probably, and another probably in her 20s or 30s. I would presume it's a mother and daughter. The mother obviously being the older one. So as I was walking by

looking for the Ben and Jerry's, I found the Ben and Jerry's and I was opening the freezer and choosing out my flavor. And the woman walked by with their cart, and I hear them say, and I hear them suggest to each other they get some ice cream. And then the mother says to the child, let's get some cones, though, because remember, skinny people don't eat ice cream straight out of the tub.

That's what the person at their gym told them. Remember to portion these out with cones. Waffle if you have to. You know when you're watching a movie with a skinny person in it, how you only see them use a cone? Always. Do either of you eat ice cream out of the tub? Yes.

Yeah? Am I? Really? I feel like I need to put it from tub into bowl. If it's the Ben and Jerry's, the little tubs, why bother? Why bother putting it in the bowl? Okay. How little are these tubs are we talking?

What are they, a pint? Oh, like a pint. Like a half a liter. So like, would you eat an entire pint? No, not at once. Unless you just got broken up with. Well, yeah, I think you say it's depending on the size. For me, it's depending on the size of the hole I need to fill in my heart.

Oh, girl. Damn, girl. Oh, girl, that's sad. You'd be brokenhearted. Oh, shit, girl. Oh, girl, that's sad. Yeah. No, but... You be brokenhearted. Oh, shit, girl. You be mad sad. Oh, that means you eating twice.

You eating for two. Are you talking... You eating for two emotions. This is... I'm getting increasingly more uncomfortable with this accent you guys are doing. Why? We're from Texas. Yeah. But it turned into a real Amos and Andy affair.

I'm doing Tejano singer Selena. The late great. Damn. I'm dead. My fan club leader killed me. I can't eat. I can't eat. Ain't no ghost ice cream.

Is that her song? Itty bitty bum bum. Is that her song? Yeah. Itty bitty bum bum. No, bitty bitty bum bum. No wonder she was famous. You guys don't know anything about Selena. No, we don't. No, wait.

I know her. She's dead. Her dad was Edward James August. These are two things I know. Yeah. Play more. Play more music, daughter. Well, all accents aside, it depends if I'm in a real lazy mood.

Of course I'll eat out of the tub. Sure. And of course I'll eat a whole thing if it's delicious and I have... Well, it's always delicious. Yeah. I... Yeah, no, I generally will put it in a container unless it is the Ben and Jerry's. Oh, that's good.

They put weird things in their foods. I'm not an ice cream guy, first and foremost. So it doesn't really... This world is not... This world is just for you. A lot of it's very confusing to me. Having a pint that's not a drinking pint. Like when I think pint, I think filling my hole with

beers. My emotional hole. Also my face hole. Your pie hole. Well, this is great. Next phone call. This is a similar one from a grocery store. Actually, from the frozen food section. Hey, fellas.

I've gotten overheard for you. I was at the grocery store from the frozen food section. Hey, fellas. I've gotten overheard for you. I was at the grocery store in the frozen food aisle, and there was this 20-something couple getting popsicles, and the girl was kind of chewing the guy out, complaining about him to his face. She was just staring vacantly at the popsicles while she berated him. Then he picked out a box,

and she said, Why did you choose those? I hate those. And he snapped his head around to look at her, and said, maybe I just want something for myself, Karen. In the divorce,

she got the house, I got the popsicles. Yeah. I think if you're in your mid-twenties arguing about popsicles, it's probably not a marriage. I might be wrong. Yeah. Am I right, fellas? Here's a question.

Summer's coming. Favorite type of popsicle. Oh. And this includes fudgesicles and anything that you get from an ice cream man. Oh, man. If you can get a root beer popsicle. Oh. Lordy, lordy. They're rare, but oh, brother, where are they?

Orange creamsicle. Orange creamsicle, a classic, absolutely. I like just a very simple cherry red. Oh, yeah, yeah. Classic, where you get two. Share it with a friend. Yeah, absolutely. Break it in Classic. Share it with a friend. Yeah, absolutely. Break it in half, share it with a friend.

If this couple is arguing around something as joyous as popsicles, then they're in real trouble. Yeah, exactly. The guy's like, you're giving me too many orgasms. This is another example of a joyous thing they might have a disagreement about. Yeah, his orgasms. No, having too many, right? That's an embarrassment.

Yeah, an embarrassment of OGGs. Finally. Hey, this is Nate calling from Brooklyn. I am leaving a message for Dave and Graham about an overheard I had this morning. I was at Bellevue Hospital in New York City

in the part of the hospital where they are treating bone fractures, where I heard one of the health care workers behind the counter, not a patient, and yet I overheard her saying this to a co-worker. She said, yeah, yeah, I broke my butt. And you know what it was? You know what it was? A dirty-ass horse. So she broke it was? A dirty-ass horse. So she broke her butt on a dirty-ass horse? Well, because of a dirty-ass horse. Oh, like maybe not on it, but because she was in love with it?

Yeah, I broke my butt to impress this horse. Nothing would impress a horse more, except some hay. Yeah, except anything. Oh, man. If you want to be somebody who calls in an overheard or a drunk dial. Or if you just want to be somebody. Yeah. Ooh, drunk dial.

Yeah, absolutely. We provide a service to the public. If you're drunk and you're thinking, I'm going to call my boss, tell him what a dick he is. Or I'm going to call my ex. Tell him what a dick he is? Yeah. It my boss, tell him what a dickie is, or I'm going to call my ex. Tell him what a dickie is? Yeah. It's like... Tell him what a dickie is.

It's sort of like a turtleneck that isn't the entire shirt. Yeah. Where can you buy a dickie? 2012. Do you have to buy one used, or where can you get a new dickie? I don't know. Army and Navy? I bet you could get one at...

Nope. At the shirt park store. Where were you thinking? I was going to say Marksburg Warehouse. Yeah. Maybe at like... No, I like her answer the best. Where do priests get their little weird collars?

Marksburg Warehouse. The sports sack? It's French for the sports sack. Oh, wow. But if you want to call us with a drunk dial or with an overheard, it's 206-339-8328. This is the end of the show. Yeah. Here's a question for all of you, but mostly just Nicole.

Nicole, when I said at the beginning of the episode that you were a favorite, I didn't lie. You came through in the clutch. Good question. Right? I'm leading up to this. This is how you lead up to a question.

Listen and learn. I bet you a lot of people who listen to this also consider you a favorite. Where can they find out more about you? That's how you ask a question. I guess you could add me as a friend on that weird thing called Facebook. You just accept friends from strange posts? If I know they're friends with you guys, sure. Why not? Why not?

That's a safe... That's like walking somebody home or whatever. What if they listen to the show, but they don't want to be our friends, but they want to be your friends? That's a safe... That's like walking somebody home or whatever. What if they listen to the show, but they don't want to be our friends, but they want to be your friends? That's fine. I guess that's okay. Send a message with your friend request.

Yeah, I would probably need the heads up. So this is going great. So add Nicole on... Or I guess I just started a Twitter account. What? When? I don't guess, but I just made a Twitter account. What? When? I don't guess, but I just made a Twitter account, and I haven't tweeted anything yet. Oh, wow. Because I'm like, uh.

Will I or won't I? How many people are following you currently? Zero? Two. Who? Like another joke account that was made a long time ago for a web series I did and then a friend so you're sitting currently at 2

I want to see how many via just people who listen to the podcast will follow what's the handle? I just made it normal so it's at Nicola Passmore? I made it a bunch of things and then switched them all.

But it's NL Passmore. But I think I'm going to change it to The Bone Wolf, if I can. So nobody take that, okay? No, well, right now it's at NL Passmore. Yeah. Let's just leave it at that. Look, I don't know how Twitter works. Just leave it.

Don't change it to Bone Wolf. The Bone Wolf. The underscore bone underscore wolf underscore Okay. N-L Passmore. What's your middle name? It's Lillian. Lillian. Lillian. Salut. Salut Dave.

Salut David. Salut Lillian. Bonne nuit Lillian. David do you have a real question for me? A real question? Or just the garbage? The waste The waste The dirt No I don't have a question for you

So NL Bones Bones It's NL Passmore. Okay. Predictions? 40 followers. Five. Five. No. 100. Five. Prove me right, listening

audience. 100 followers for NL Passmore. Yeah. She's got a lot to say. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. Imagine. The first thing that she's going to changing account to bone sword bone sword yeah bone of destiny yeah bone sword of destiny uh dave anything to plug oh uh i believe uh for the next three weeks I am guest hosting on CBC Radio 3

from 1 o'clock to 5 o'clock Monday through Friday that is Pacific time cbcradio3.com or.ca or cbcmusic.ca it's me talking between Canadian indie rock songs it's great

I advise to listen to it. So do that with your afternoons. Also, if you're new to the podcast and you live anywhere near Chicago, there is a group started on Facebook that's Bring Spy Down to Chi-Town. And it's literally just like we did in Toronto. I would say if we get a hundred and how many? 120 people? A hundred and 300.

300 and 300 people. 400 people. We'll make the trip down to Chicago and do a live podcast because we love doing it. And we love Chicago. Dave loves a deep dish. I love Wendy's. Have you been to either? Have you been to Chicago?

Have either of us been to Chicago? I have never's. Have you been to either? Have you been to Chicago? Have either of us been to Chicago? I have never been. I've been to the airport. I cannot wait to go sign up if you want, or if you know people that would think that that would be great. Like, you don't live in Chicago, but your friend does. Peer pressure, though. Yeah, peer pressure.

Absolutely. Say, hey, you know what? Just the first taste is free. Yeah, and then the second taste is deep dish And finally May 28th At the Havana Theater On Commercial Drive

The Laugh Gallery Show Featuring a spot by our guest Nicole Passmore That's me It's, you know what Five bucks at the door, I'll buy you the best night of entertainment of your whole week and that includes

going to Mexico and seeing a zebra fuck a thing whatever whatever it is they make a zebra fuck in Mexico how are you not

looking for there's these weird shows Dave I'll talk about it to you off the air okay um but this is better

than that and all legal nothing we do at the Havana show is illegal. Dave, you can testify to that, right? Yeah, totally legal. We got that one kid drunk.

Barely legal. Except Billy Baldwin will do a cocaine in the bathroom. He will. No, Billy. Okay, whatever. Times have changed. Thanks for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week

for another episode of stop podcasting yourself