Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 229 - Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: August 6, 2012

Comedian Lachlan Patterson returns to talk about comedy merchandising, Xanadu, and dogcasts.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 229 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who likes to lead the pre-show prayer, Mr. Dave Shumka. I do a reading and then I do some hymns, you know, a lot of stuff about guiding me, O Thou Great Jehovah. Yeah.

Then I like to do a bit of crowd work. I like to spritz with the parishioners. Nice hat, lady. Anyway, you're from Nazareth. Anyway, you're from Nazareth. And our guest today is a return guest, third time? This is the third. Third time returning guest.

Very, very funny man, comedian, here in town playing at the comedy mix, but you can be seen all over America. Mr. Lachlan Patterson true guest very true that's me yeah you're a you're a full-time working comedian like the real deal yeah i guess there's i guess i'm part of the the top i guess the five percent would you say i'd say one percent one percent you're gonna give me no well i could just because you have all those protesters outside of your place. Yes, all those protesting homeless comedians. Yeah, well, let's get to know us. Okay. Get to know us.

Now, do you think that's like 5% is the amount of comedians? At my level, I think, I mean, if you count like all the comedians that are kind of open mic and all the way up i'd say five yeah yeah wow that's pretty good you too dude i'd say five get out of here stop this is not a compliment contest or is it i saw you on tv in the middle i went back to my hotel room between shows and i I saw this guy. On a show called? On a show called Talent Time. With past guest Paul Anthony as the host of that show. Yeah.

On television. And I probably didn't know that it was going to be on television. Yeah. You definitely didn't know it was going to be on television. Because you swore a lot. Yeah. I think I hold a record for a number of times swearing. And so you don't, I guess you never saw it. No, but I remember Paul Anthony saying, man, you really swore a lot.

And Paul Anthony is a fan of like the television of the 80s where instead of bleeping someone, you would add a cuckoo clock noise or a different sound effect. Is that what happened? I'm assuming um i i think they bleeped it but this is the best part underneath the graham performing uh it says on a ticker to find out what graham said go to www.talenttime.tv i'm assuming talent i didn't read it i think that's what it is yeah like anyone didn't know what you were saying Go to www.talenttime.tv. I'm assuming talent. I didn't read it. I think that's what it is. Like anyone didn't know what you were saying by the biting of your lower lip on the first letter.

I mean, really? And I'm curious to go to that website just to see if it's just like... Yeah, like it's actually like a transcript. He said fuck, he said shit. If it's like a Mad Lib. But it's just like the laziest Mad Lib ever. It's just enter swear word. I went to a fuck.

Those are the best. That's what I write on all my Mad Libs. Yeah, I remember taping that. But I remember thinking like, that's what i write on all my madness um yeah i remember taping that uh but i remember thinking like oh like this isn't necessarily ever gonna yeah go on like oh hey i don't actually want this set on tv i better start swearing about it that's one way to do it yeah it's uh and it's weird because i don't swear that often on stage. No, you don't.

No, not gratuitously. It was weird. Yeah, but sometimes I really just let it fly. And I guess that was one of those nights. All right. Yeah, you had a little goatee, so you weren't quite that full of weird. Oh, that was an old episode then. It was Graham. Oh, boy.

Yeah, exactly. He's more beard than man. It looked good. I think I know you're handy with the beard, but it looked good with the little goatee, too. Yeah, it's a look that I'm sure will come back around. Absolutely. Once you donate your beard to charity. Yeah.

To some needy kid. Yeah. That's a pretty needy kid yeah it's just for it's like a charity for kids who went through puberty late kids who need a beard yeah and you just do like the hooks around the ears and then yeah um so what's uh what's going on with you lachlan you travel you're doing a lot of shows. I saw you on television last week, the Halifax Comedy Festival. Oh, did that air?

Yep. Oh, that's good. Actually, we were there together. Yep. They sent me another check, which was nice. Nope. Did you get that? Yeah, not me.

Well, I had a really good set. So the check was just here's another they just if you have a good set they're like all right let's pay a little more um you did you had the set of the night at this one place called the horse seat seahorse oh my god you know you made it you really know you made it was that which one is the daytime show is that the like the one that's right next to the hotel? The daytime show, I can't remember what the name of the place was, but the seahorse was the nighttime show. Okay, because there's another daytime show that's in a food court. Yeah, I didn't have to do the food court.

No, me neither. I did the food court. And that was the best set that I did when I was there. Did they do the food court when we did it? No, no, the first time I went. Yeah, I remember that. And who else was there. Did they do the food court when we did it? No, no, the first time I... Right, yeah. I remember that. And who else was there? I think a lot of... I think New York Fries was popular. A great bit about clam chowder. Julius material. Any hot dog fans in the audience? So dogs. So what's new?

What's going on? Yeah, what is it? It's slowed down for me a little bit. I mean, in life, I lived with my woman, and that is no longer. So for the last two months, I have been crashing on comedians' couches. Oh, wow. Across Los Angeles. And how is it?

Is it horrible, or is it okay, or is it great? It's very interesting. I guess I just mean it's a fascinating study in human behavior. Who's got the nicest couch you've stayed on? That's easy. Tommy Johnigan. Tommy Johnigan. Tommy Johnigan. Tommy Johnigan is one of the most hospitable person I've ever met.

Like, you go, I went to his house, and he actually has, it's like I'm staying in a resort. He has my own set of towels with soaps and my own shampoos. What? That's great. Yeah. That is great. And it was really, I mean, everyone's obviously super nice, but that's like, here's the only problem with that is because I'm like you guys, I'm just drifting.

Tommy's like, so you're staying here tonight and tomorrow night. Checkout time is noon. Yeah, exactly. He's like, I've got you for tonight and tomorrow night. And I said, well, we'll see about tomorrow night i'll let you know when i wake up tomorrow morning just because um i don't know you know i don't know what's gonna go on maybe me and my girlfriend get back together maybe i'm not because tommy also lives far away maybe i got an audition i just want to fall asleep in my car right um and he got upset oh really? yeah because that behavior is

I made you towels man yeah oh okay so there's the slob who you can say I don't know man maybe I'll be here tomorrow but when someone is that hospitable you gotta respect that and I feel like maybe hopefully Tommy and I are still cool after that

I think probably but I think that's uh i wish i had i owned uh more than uh the one towel yeah because i really would do that i would give you know hey here's some towels um i yeah when we have guests oh and by the way thanks for saying like you guys i'm drifting you assume normal people with dishes in the sink. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, just like regular folk. Tommy's place is beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Like a museum beautiful. Like it should be in a magazine. And you don't want to commit to a new place because there's the chance of getting back together with a girlfriend? Yeah, and to be honest, it's a little intimidating, this place. I feel like... Oh, you can never live up to it? Yeah. He's like, you know, it's just so nice.

I don't know if I can feel comfortable in such a nice place. Oh, yeah, sure, sure. I don't know if you ever felt that way. Yeah, I've stayed in a place. I want to say it was in Halifax. They put us up at a place when I was writing for this hour's 22 minutes. Yeah. And it was so nice that I felt super duper uncomfortable the whole time.

When you're in the hotel lobby and you're like, I belong here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like everyone's looking at me like I'm here to just use the bathroom. Yeah. By the way, do you see him drop that little dime about this hour has 23? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good, right? Snuck that in there.

Pretty good. This is a real kind of resume show I'm doing. I can't remember, but I think it was when i wrote my first juno yeah i was getting i had this development deal at the time but it was it was so and it was huge that's the other thing too is like uh i don't know if you've ever stayed in a place that feels like too big for like you're only there for two nights or whatever and you're like what am i supposed to do with this extra room and but nothing you you're acting like you're uh uh tom hanks and castaway i'm not used to a comfy bed i'll sleep on the floor yeah that's

funny that's that was a perfect example of it where you're like i just slept in my car last night and you've got three towels for me for two days? Now, you can sleep in your car in LA. That's a thing that people do because you won't traffic so bad. People lose it when you tell them you're going to sleep in your car. They don't accept that. What are you driving? A station wagon.

Okay, that's better. Last time I... That makes sense. A sport wagon. I think you pulled up in a Mazda Miata. My mom's Mazda Miata, which is awesome. Yeah. Now, a sport wagon is...

I drive a sport wagon. Yeah. Which is basically just a fancy word for a hatchback. Okay, mine's like a... Yeah, I guess it's an Audi wagon. Oh, my. No, no, no... Yeah, I guess it's an Audi wagon. Oh, my. No, no, no, no, no. Not like that.

But it's enough room that I could sleep and be by myself. And L.A., they have showers at the beach. It's a hobo paradise. Yeah. It's not the worst. I'm going to go to a coffee shop all day anyway. That's what I do. Yeah. So, not the worst. I'm going to go to a coffee shop all day anyway. That's what I do. Yeah. So as a comedian, the life was fine.

And so that's what I've been doing. This is the top 5%. Sleeping in cars. All comedians listening right now. Showering at the beach. Tonight Show, Tosh.0, still homeless. Enjoy. Enjoy your stupid careers.

You're so dumb you're idiots you're absolute idiots stupid um i uh i was talking to somebody who had lit was living in a van uh like you know went traveling or whatever your hero exactly. But he, it was him and his girlfriend in a van. That seems like that would be the real, ooh, that'd be a real test. I think, have I worked with this guy? There's a guy doing, I've had a guy open for me who him and his girlfriend were on the road. She wasn't a comedian. Oh, okay.

No, this isn't, these are just two hippie hippies that I know. This is a guy who was working with me and he's selling chocolate bars after the show. Homemade? Or like... No, yeah, they're just chocolate bars. Like the girl guys? He has a joke about chocolate, and then he sells chocolate bars. That's a thing in the States, right? What?

Having a merchandise thing that ties into your act somehow. Well, first what you do is you get... I think what they do is they get the merchandise first. And then they're like, how do I tie this thing? Because the joke is always terrible. But this guy's thing is, I'm selling chocolate bars. And they've got his face on it or something. Not even.

It's like he bought the printer paper and took a hershey bar and taken the hershey bar off kept the tin aluminum and then um just taped taped his piece of paper around it and he's like all right chocolate joke chocolate joke something and it's reading the ingredients till he comes up with a chocolate joke yeah i would love the one night that he forgets to tell the joke but at the end of his set is like i'm selling chocolate we're raising money for my soccer team not gonna work buddy you're eating chocolate bars tonight because uh charlie demers told me a story about uh some comic that he worked with and the guy he had poker chips

with his... Dan Smith. I worked with him and he doesn't only tell a joke about the chips he tags it about 15 times. Oh, you gotta. Yeah. And then he And what is it, like, girls love chips or something?

Yeah, whores love chips well when i saw it it was girls but he's clearly uh yeah off the rails um um the shirt the classic i don't know have you seen the shirt that you fold and it says something else oh like a mad magazine yeah like you go like that and with the shirt you bend it in and it says like fuck you i gotta have that but but the when it's unfolded it says firetruck university and that's the worst is it doesn't say anything half the time it's just uh it's just lines and horizontal and vertical lines oh okay i'm not even creative sometimes how many of these are there? Ah, yeah.

When, yeah. What if that was like the latest trend in like, what are teens doing? Like hypercolor? Fold-in shirts. Fold-in shirts and like silly bands.

Fire Truck Universe. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That is pretty good. I think Fire Truck Universe would spell it. Yeah, that's not bad. But it would, like... That's really... Everything after the U would have to be so small.

Yeah, you definitely have to bend some areas more than others. You gotta teach people how to do it. I just remember that from my childhood. It was like, hey, I'm thinking of a word that starts with an F and ends with U-C-K. Firetruck. Yeah, firetruck and universe. Universe is just, it's not even in it. You just fold the universe out of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just disappears. It's like hypercolor. It gets hot and then the rest of the letters... Just don't wash it. Now, that should be a thing where, uh just letters disappear uh when you dance when your body gets too hot i worked with the guy who had a shirt and you know the run dmc logo where it's black letters and then a little red line and then black letters yeah and this was just his shirt it said instead of run dm, it said S-M-D L-M-B

and the joke was suck my dick and lick my balls. Was he a comedian? He was with the opening act. Yeah. And he's like, I have these shirts after it means suck my dick and lick my balls. Good night, everybody. And he gave it to me and I remember wearing it

one day and my girlfriend said, you better never wear that again. But no one would know what it stands for. No one would ever know. And you just have to have that knowledge for yourself. It's a conversation piece. It's a starter. Hey, do you know what this stands for? Graham, have you ever had any merch?

No. One time, like in my first year of comedy as a joke, I said I was selling CDs after the show and just sold a bunch of CDs that I had. Terrence Trent Darby. Yeah. That you already uploaded to iTunes. Yeah, and I thought that was funny.

But no, I've never had any merch, not even like a DVD or CD or anything like that. No, me neither. I had that joke about breakup cards. Okay. You know the one where it said, and inside it said, I just need space, and on the outside it was an astronaut.

And so I made those, and when I sold CDs, I would just give people. This is how horrible our business is. So I'm out in uh indio name dropping indio california and i'm selling i'm your headlining coachella opening for dat fan oh my oh wow a promotional mastermind this is how much he's in a promotion. Does he sell fans after the show? Dead fan fans? He sells everything. Yeah.

Dead fan, after you get off stage, before he goes on stage, he wants a picture with me. And I'm like, it's cool, dude. I'm still here. I'll be here after the show. And he goes, no, we need to take the picture now. Now, what is the height differential?

It's pretty big. Yeah, you're like 6'4"? Yeah, 6'4". Yeah, he's a little guy. I've met six four and he's yeah he's a little guy i i've met him too yeah he's a little guy but he's maybe he's maybe five four but five nine with his hair spiked up yeah he gets his hair up there that's true so after the show i go um i got my cd it's 10 bucks and if you if you buy it i'll throw in these cards and and they go nuts. The card gets this applause. So after the show, everyone's like, I want a CD.

I'm selling so many CDs with these cards. And I actually brought more cards than CDs by accident. And so I ran out of CDs. And then people are still coming out of the place, and they're going, how much for the card? So I start selling cards for five bucks. And it's gotten to the point where people would prefer the card than my CD, which is disgusting. I'm like, you know, the card is one joke, and the CD has 18 more.

You could have so much more here i worked so much harder on this they're like i will buy the card for 15 if you if you could throw in the cd yeah exactly so so i sold those for a while and it was you know it was clever i made them myself i had one that said somebody's getting dumped who could could it be? Like a surprise card. And then on the inside, there was a mirror. And I made them, and they were great.

But that, that to me, like, that makes sense, because you're talking about a product that doesn't exist, and then you've got the product that everybody was like,

hey, that's fun. How did Dat Fan fare that night? With his merchandise? Is Dat Fan, yeah, oh, Dat Fan actually, his girlfriend is his manager. Oh, that's got to be fun. She is.

They go around in a van together that they live in. They have pictures. They take pictures. So she's waiting with the camera, and he's outside, and he really works it. He's an enterprising young man, and then he's calling you the whole way home and asking you about where you're going and who's your agent and where do you work and can I work? He's working every angle, and then he's posting 50 things on your Facebook page. Wow, fun. The guy hustles to the point where you're just exhausted.

I can't be your friend because I just can't keep up with you, man. You're too fast for me. That's amazing. It's a lesson that every comedian could probably take a tiny bit of. If I have to answer

an email a day, I'm like, just exhausted. I see the email, I read it, I'll reply tomorrow. Gotta put that in the to-do. Yeah, I'm gonna put a star next to it and then never check my starred emails.

Yeah. It's like, I mean, it makes sense, I guess, to have a thing after a show if you did guess so you know to have like a thing After a show if you did really well And people want to buy a thing off of you People want something I love it when someone doesn't do well

And they don't They still like Tell you their name one more time Hey I've been Joe Smith And then they're like check me out Why wouldn't you want to be anonymous after that set? I will anonymously say, or I will not say the person's name.

Anonymously say? Well, we know who you are. We'll keep them anonymous. So this guy I was opening for did so bad, they were throwing stuff at him. What? Was it Fozzy? And you guys know him and it was at the yuck yucks in vancouver or the now comedy mix in vancouver which is awesome club um they were throwing stuff at him yelling they were dragging people out the bouncers were just it was just like a it was like a hell's angels party it was just dragging people

out it was so bad and after the show he goes check me out on this check me out on this check me out and he ran up after he got off stage he ran to the front and put a piece of paper on a pen so people could get on his fan list just absolutely no idea. No clue. It's like one of those guys who just can't read people at all. Oh, I love it. The fan list. Yeah. People, who brings stuff

to throw? The cops. The limes from their Coronas. Wow, that's, oh boy. You have to do some kind of bad to get... To get projectiles. Yeah, to have people throwing shit at you. Music is another funny thing that cracks me up

when people have music in their act. Oh, like a cue? That can be some kind of, like, a little bit of a hit or miss for me. What, like, oh, like a big closer with music? Sometimes there's something like some guys say i need music in my head because music gets big applause breaks and it absolutely does sometimes yeah it's really it's it's a lot easier when you're music yeah also impressions impressions will save the day yeah 10 times out of ten a backflip we all know

backflip is great but you know i've seen people like their entire set has been nothing and then they bust out an impression and people are right back down for it he was the greatest yeah yeah um but when yeah when they get the uh when they get that, when they get the clubs, uh, sound guy to just work all these cues and the guy's just exhausted and they get mad at him. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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no, at a club that's also does magic and the magicians have a ton of music right that's a big deal and they have music and uh they have a little they have their own button they have their own sound and they just it's in their pocket right and they turn it off and on and it's you know and then you know that's how you have to do it yeah yeah yeah do your work um do you are you have you ever been on a show with a magician? Yes, a lot A lot? A lot, yeah Really? Tons

How does the audience switch from comedy to magic? It's not good magic Is the structure usually comedian first, then magician? Or does it change? Comedy and Magic Club In Hermosa Beach? Yeah, usually they don't close with the magician to be honest really yeah usually i think that would be hard to follow it's not

but you definitely have to go a lot of times like you'll be like let's see them follow this and then the guy will walk out and be like hey so i was shopping the other day what are you doing man someone just disappeared someone just actually pulled a goose out of his ass while he's in a straitjacket that's an actual guy named ed alonzo oh yeah he's from uh saved by the bell yeah so he pulls a goose out of his ass after getting out of first of all he's just you just think it's a straitjack jacket bit where he gets on a straight jacket, but as he gets on a straight jacket and he's pulling that last strap out, he pulls a goose out of his ass and good night.

And then if you walk out there and go, so, uh, have you guys been to the new subway? Have you seen the new subway sandwich? Um, so you definitely got to, it is hard to follow, Subway? Have you seen the new Subway sandwich? Wow. So you definitely got to... It is hard to follow, but what you just do is you go one more time for Ed Alonso.

That was crazy. He's out of his ass. That was crazy. Now, do comedians and magicians backstage, do they have anything to talk about? It's interesting. Okay, so usually when you do those shows shows there's like seven or eight comedians and there's a couple of magicians and yeah there's definitely um i feel like the magicians are super nice and but they just i feel like they're kind of um it's harder for them to fit in they're quieter

the comedians all know each other and then these magicians who come from a different world the world is saved by the bell the world is saved by the bell and the magic castle and and other venues they're kind of like maybe they're even more competitive i don't know than comedians because we all can you know a lot of a lot of magicians do a lot of crossover bits oh yeah sure there's a ton of card bits and there's a ton of the rings. I get it. And the ropes. The rings. Did you say I get it? Like, enough with the rings?

I get that. Dude, how many times do I have to see the rings? Like, you know what's going to happen. The rings are connected, and then they're not. And then maybe they are again. Like, no one's going to be like, like the rings are what if the rings just stayed connected the whole time what if there's a comedian or a magician who just overthunk it yeah it'd be great it would probably be better it's very conceptual it's the last thing i'd expect

yeah hey guys these are rings tied together i haven't figured it out yet and then he just puts it back in the bag. Yeah, he just walks on with them, and that's it. I found these. What do you care? Mind your own business. These things are useless. Unless I'm, you know,

making a barrel. This is so much better than any magic that I've seen. seen yeah just some dude with some cards hey you guys anyone know how to play poker and then just throws them back is this a card it's my first time in my country we don't have cards yeah oh man i want to see this act pretty good there's a lot of the same song there's this one song that a lot of magicians use and

it's like it's in Kill Bill like it's this Kill Bill song oh is it the big like yeah that's a big magic song I think it's a big like introducing a sports team song as well. Oh, yeah, for sure. As your players kick the field.

Give it up! That's where the worlds of magic and sports really cross over. For the Fire Truck University Firemen. Now, everybody stand up and fold your shirts. They do a big fold-unfold thing. Fuck you, fuck you. Yeah. Do you guys ever have a song that you ask to come out to?

Nope. Well, I like Black Betty. That's the one they play at the club in town here. Ram Jam? Yeah. Yeah, that's the default song of the chain of Canada's yuck-yucks. Yeah, that's right. And there's a club in New Westminster that plays or played Bad to the Bone.

Bad to the Bone, yeah. And that's a good song for a girl. For Sam Kinison. Yeah, for a girl to walk by a group of guys and them to drop their beer. Because she's so hot. But yeah, I don't I can't imagine Although there are comics that have a song And they're like, I gotta come out to this song

I don't have a song But I think I do now I googled or youtube'd my name To see what was out I always check to make sure no one's putting any Recordings of me on And I typed in just my first name And there's a song called lachlan

and it's awesome really yeah it's really awesome and it's spelt my name my way because there's a lot of different spellings for lachlan and uh i have to figure out a way to get this song because it's it's just a it's just if you're if you're lachlan and you're spelled it's spelled the same way as me it's like a gift it's like someone just gave you a gift they spell it in the song they spell it in the song and it's like two girls who are in love with this guy named Lachlan

who is just amazing in bed and it's a punk song it's a pretty good song it seems like, yeah, why don't you just approach them and say like, I would like to purchase the rights to use this song. Yeah. Or, failing that, just download it. I don't know how you download it from YouTube, though.

And it's not on iTunes. But, yeah, I mean, it's a great intro song because it's very cheery. It's like a cheerily. It's like, you know, Saturday Night S-A-T-U-R. Oh, yeah, yeah. It kind of starts like that well see if you have a yeah if you have a song that's your name yeah then yes but l-a-c-h-l-a-n pretty close yeah the was the them having sex with them yeah that's the part where we

real quick and then they unfortunately they have a guy named Lachlan in the song. Oh, I hate that guy. So he goes, hi, ladies. And they go, hi, Lachlan. And he's got the gayest voice ever. I'm like, come on, man, give him a look. He's like, hello. I'm Lachlan. Maybe these girls live in the same city as you. Is that possible?

No, I wish. I was listening listening i'm like this that would be even awesome yeah of course can i re-record it with my voice they um hi girls i wish i had a deep voice you know he actually kind of sounds like me that's the worst part yeah i wish you had a deep voice too thanks man listen to that yeah it's a deep voice it is a deep it's a baritone. Until I get excited. And then it goes up the register.

Then it gets really hot. Why does it do that when you're excited? I don't know. It's really weird. But it just does. Biology. We haven't figured it out yet. The voice gene. Dave?

Yeah? What's going on with you? Well, yesterday... Now, you know I love the theater. You don't. I went to a play. Really? Well, a friend of my mother's for my wedding gave us some tickets to the Vancouver what do they call it?

The Arts Club Theater on Granville Island and they have a it was like a gift certificate so you could pick any play whenever and we looked at all the plays that were coming up and we were like we do not want to see any of these.

And we saw that they are doing a production of xanadu oh that was the one you picked that was the one we picked wow uh because we're a lot we thought okay well this is gonna at least be really bad have you seen the movies and i hadn't seen the movie xanadu um have you yes you obviously have now all right well the thing is... Because you said I hadn't. Well, I still haven't seen the movie. Have you seen the movie? No.

Okay. Just the song. That's enough. I went there and I was like... Because I'm not a fan of live theater. I find it very strange that you're in a room and there's five people out of a hundred who are pretending and you have to that's what you don't like yeah i'm like kind of like that that's a guy who any other day of the week isn't doing this or any other time of the day is just a guy it's weird

all right yeah like i can i can accept it on a screen, but in person... I have never thought about it that way. Like, that we're all in the same boat. The actors on stage and the people watching. Like, hey, we're all just people in a room together. Yeah. I never thought about it that way. Yeah, you feel like you're involved in it. Yeah.

That's the problem. Yeah, I don't. I want to wash my hands of this. Right. And I got there, and the first thing I saw when I was at the theater, totally reinforced my hatred of theater. And that was a car parked outside. A Mercedes with the license plate 2B are not.

Oh no. Yikes a daisy. Oh not. Which I thought might have been like two bedrooms. The best part? Not. The best part is he couldn't get to be at the end because someone else had that. Or it's like we don't have that many numbers or digits or whatever. Right.

Or he's so into the arts that he's like, if you don't understand, then you just don't even should be reading. So it was 2B or not. No, 2BRNOT. Okay, yeah, that would be the maximum. I guess. And he... Six is the maximum? I feel like he must...

Well, maybe seven's the maximum, but you can't have another 2B. 2B or not 2. 2B or not the sequel. But instead of not, you could just do NT. Maybe that was taken. I don't know. We've already spent way too much time on that. This guy seemed like a, well, he must be a regular there.

He probably owns the theater or something. Was he wearing some sort of velvet jacket? I didn't see the guy. What year was the Mercedes? Oh, it was a new Mercedes. Oh, so he's part of the 1%. Yeah, yeah. Certainly in the theater community.

Okay, great. And so we show up there. We go in. I had not seen Xanadu, the movie. But I know it's a terrible movie. Stop. It's mocked. Stop. You're hurting Graham's feelings right now. I think it was, terrible movie. Stop. It's mocked.

You're hurting Graham's feelings right now. I think it was, she did Olivia Newton-John. Olivia Newton-John, yeah. Did it right after Grease and flopped super hard after Grease was a huge hit. Yes. But the play that we saw. Was it originally a play? No, I don't think so.

I think it is, they made a play in 2007. I learned later. Okay. And it is sort of ironic and detached from the original. It makes fun of the movie. The play does? Yeah. And there's jokes in there, which I don't think the original was a comedy.

I don't know. No, it's not. It's very like it is. It's very extremely like campy. Yeah. Right. But not. Campy like Total Recall?

Yeah. Like it's not supposed to be campy. Right. But, you know, that plus time. Yeah. Really has made it like a campy, campy film. So, yeah, it's kind of like if you saw the Brady Bunch movie that... It was then turned into a play. But never had seen the Brady Bunch TV show. Oh, okay.

Because they made the Brady Bunch movie like 20 years later with all these jokes about... So can I ask, was it because everyone was over acting um well it's but they're overacting on like the actors are doing a great job but it's supposed to be like there's jokes making fun of the 80s they're turning to the audience during these jokes uh yeah i mean that's what theater is that's the problem they looked at them yeah that's right it's like when porno looks at you it engaged you too directly and uh um like there's uh they they're on roller skates in it okay um a lot of roller skating yeah and there's a um yeah so it's just sort of um too many like Too many... You can tell it was written in retrospect. Right.

There's modern sayings in it. Oh, no, you didn't. That didn't exist when the movie came out. I sort of knew that it was going to be... Because you can't put on a production of Xanadu and be 100%... Authentic. Authentic. Yeah, I'd agree with that. a production of Xanadu and be 100% authentic. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Like, it is really, like, I'm trying to think of, like, what a comparative recent film would be.

Like, it wasn't meant to be over the top, but it was. It was very over the top and silly. top and it's silly. And I've since looked up the movies, looked up the movie and that, Xanadu and Can't Stop the Music, is that what it's called? The Steve Guttenberg and

Village People movie? Oh yeah, right. Those two movies played on a double bill at one point and that was the inspiration for the Razzie Awards. Oh really? So the movie was so bad that it inspired awards to give away to terrible movies. Okay. Yeah, so we saw the play, and we're sitting there, and the singing was great, the acting was great.

Apparently now it's all the music of Electric Light Orchestra combined with the plot of Xanadu. Wow. But it did take a while to figure out what was going on. Right. Like, are we, oh, so this is a comedy that you're making fun of a movie I haven't seen. Should I have seen the movie? Did I have homework? Yeah.

Yeah, it was inside acting. Yeah, it was a lot of inside jokes for people who have seen this terrible movie that we've been told not to see because it's so terrible. It's also, that's a very niche. Yeah. Like, it's not like doing a stage play of Die Hard where everybody's like, Die Hard. Yeah, we know this. That isn't a bad idea. Die Hard. Oh, yeah. Great idea.

That isn't a bad idea. I used to have a joke about these Civil War reenactments and how it's supposed to be part of Americana to reenact a Civil War, which is horrible. Because to reenact a massacre in a near division of your whole country. If you want to reenact something American, reenact Die Hard. That would be fun. Like every Christmas. Every summer or whatever.

Yeah, Christmas. Die Hard was Christmas. For sure. And just have the guy in the limo, Argyle. like every christmas every every summer or whatever whatever yeah christmas diehard was christmas for sure and just have like the guy in the limo argyle oh yeah yeah starts it up yeah absolutely christmas wrap um yeah anything would have been better than this um like uh yeah, it just seems like a terrible idea for a thing. And it's not like a popular movie. No. Yeah. Like Die Hard.

Yeah, exactly. Everyone knows every beat of Die Hard. I knew pretty much everything about Die Hard before I saw it. I saw it like a couple of years ago. I would really like to see a musical based on Die Hard. Do you know there's a play, Point Break play, that there was? Oh, yes. And then, I guess, the audience,

they picked Keanu Reeves from the audience. Like, that's how bad they felt that he was, is that anyone in the audience could play him. There was a... Yeah, it was called Point Break Live, wasn't it? Maybe, yeah. Yeah, because I had a friend who had a t-shirt. I think they've done musicals of Robocop

and Silence of the Lambs, yeah. Yeah, because I had a friend who had a t-shirt. I think they've done musicals of Robocop and Silence of the Lambs, maybe. Ooh, Robocop the musical. Robocop's coming back, too, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, in what regard? They're making a Robocop movie. Oh, good. Mm-hmm.

But the thing is, like, why? Because... Because we tried robots and lasers and it didn't work. You're right. Yeah. We need to move on. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I want to see another Robocop movie. We all do. I haven't work. You're right. We need to move on. Yeah, yeah. I mean,

look, I want to see another RoboCop movie. We all do. I haven't seen the first or second. But, you know, I know. Campy. Very campy. It is very campy. Is it Paul Verhoeven? Did he do that? No, it was Peter Weller. Peter Weller played him.

Oh, yeah. I don't remember. The guy from... The dad from that 70s show. Oh, yeah. Kurtwood Smith. Yeah. Yeah, and it's really... There's the scene where Peter Weller gets killed.

It's very graphic. Violent. And he only ends up with a chin. That's all that's left, and that's what they make. That's what they built the rest of the robot on. They were actually going to put it upside down and put eyes on the chin and submit it to america's funniest people that was gonna be the top of the head was the chin yeah oh my god they're gonna ruin robocop yeah yeah well they're uh trying to ruin total recall right i thought it was called robot cop

am i wrong robo police yeah robo robo officer ruin Total Recall right now. I thought it was called Robot Cop. Am I wrong? Robo-police. Yeah, robot police. Robo-officer. Yes. Are you excited about the new Total Recall? No. No, me neither. Because that's, you know, speaking of things that were like, at the time, amazing, add time to it, it becomes a campy thing. It doesn't need to be a serious action movie. It's like, it's

fun. Like, people who want to see Total Recall should just watch Total Recall. They shouldn't... Because Arnold Schwarzenegger's so crazy in it. And there's a scene... Isn't there a scene where he beats up his wife, Sharon Stone? Beats the crap out of his wife. Well, she's very...

She started it. Yeah. Like, she's trying to kill him. Yes. And the scene where he, you know. Not to advocate that kind of behavior. No, but, like, it's so crazy. That movie is so, when he has the dream sequence or whatever, where he's out on, like, he goes

outside of the breathing area. Yeah. And his face goes crazy. Yeah. And he's doing that noise that now every Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is based on. It is the funniest, craziest

thing, and the lady who takes her head off and it explodes. I hope you enjoy the ride. The Johnny Cab? Johnny Cab? Yeah. That's great. None of that stuff that's funny is going to be in the new. No, it's not. It's just going to be a boring... Colin Farrell's not funny. Colin Farrell is in it. The the sharon stone character is kate beckinsale yeah i believe and the the other woman uh is jessica beal right and the third they there will be a three boobid woman

who by the way unnecessary to the plot yeah complete and this the other thing, is... Not just three boobs. Three perfect boobs. Yeah. Yeah. Which is, like, baffling, because you need that real estate in the middle of a chest to make the other ones anyway. And that's, like... Isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger just wearing khakis the whole film? I think maybe pleated.

Absolutely pleated. So that's not going I think maybe pleated. Absolutely pleated. So that's not going to be in the remake. Maybe even double pleated. Oh, you think Colin Farrell will have a flat front Stanton Chino from Jake Pruitt? He's not going to be wearing anything khaki, I guarantee. And also... Skinny jeans. The scene where it shows Arnold Schwarzenegger working as a construction guy,

that's one of the greatest scenes in movies. What if... Hey, you ever heard of recall? Oh, recall! Oh, you can't do that. Recall, recall. What if... He got himself lobotomized.

What if they chose one item of clothing just to be completely distracting. Like if Colin Farrell was wearing capri pants the whole time, and he keeps getting his shins busted up. That's today's campy. Yeah, wow. I don't know. That's one that I don't know why they remade it.

What they're doing now, if you haven't picked it up, is they're taking things from the 80s and 90s that worked, because they don't want to invest in new things anymore. Hollywood, it's too risky to make something new. Let's pick up something that has a following already, because we need to at least sell the money. We need to make our money back.

And we know that if we sell something that already has a following, we at least make our money back. Right. Which I understand that, but when something like... But they're ruining it. Yeah. It's just like, it's only fun to watch because it's Total Recall. I think we think that, that there are no original ideas.

But if you look back, every movie is based on a book. Well, Total Recall is based on a book. Yeah, yeah, a Philip K. Dick thingy. But even Gone with the Wind and Wizard of Oz, all the classic movies from 100 years ago are still books. Yeah, that too. Or at least video games. The Running Man, I never read that, but that was a book as well. Oh, yeah, we were assigned that in school now.

Was Terminator? No. Maybe Terminator was an original. No, Terminator was an original. I think all of James Cameron's stuff has been his own concept. Yeah, Titanic was based on a boat. That's true. It was based on a boat.

Avatar was based on 3D technology. The Titanic sinking was a book before it sank. Oh, boat. Avatar was based on 3D technology. The Titanic sinking was a book before it sank. Oh, yeah, that's true. Just no one read it. They really should have read the book. Yeah, they gave it to the captain. They're like, you should really read this. It's a good read. He's like, no time.

Let's get real close to these icebergs. Is this how campy the Running Man is? If you've ever watched it again, if anyone has ever watched it again. I'm sure they'll remake it.

I've never seen it. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger in a skin suit. It's a great movie to watch right now because it's the birth of reality TV. It's the first ever

reality TV show as far as I ever saw. And a reality TV show about these people who go to survive. And people watch it all over the world. Like even in the

poorest neighborhoods. People who what? People bet on... It's the Hunger Games. Oh, they're going to survive. Okay, sorry. So the guy who is the host of the show is Ray... Is it the guy from the...

It's the old host of... Family Feud? Family Feud. Ray Combs? The one before him. Oh. The guy who used to flirt. Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson, yeah, yeah. They're both dead. And so he's in his... Rest in peace. Yeah. feud rake holmes the one before him oh the guy who used to richard dawson richard dawson yeah they're both dead and so he's in rest in peace yeah so he's in his office and in his office uh around him is all his uh memorabilia from his other successful reality shows right and if you look in the background there's a poster for a show called Hate Boat. And that's it. And someone just made that poster, and it's just in the corner of the room. Hate Boat. And in my mind, I was like, someone needs to do a Hate Boat sketch.

Well, somebody needs to make a Hate Boat series. If not now, when? That's just a show. Yeah, wasn't to make a hate boat series. If not now, when? That's just a show. Yeah, wasn't there like a date boat? Well, there's Love Boat, and this was back when the Love Boat was on. Oh, I guess it's the opposite of love. It's just hate boat. What if you took a bunch of

couples that had just broken up and you put them all on a boat together and see what happens? And the staff is just like really angry as you come aboard. They're like, what do you want? Yeah. They're all Gordon Ramsay's. They just yell at everybody. Just a scream fest.

Everyone hates everybody. Yeah. Hate boat. Let's go. Well, so I saw a play, so that's about it. How about, what's up with you, Graham? Nothing much. I went and saw the Batman movie. Oh, nice.

We are recording this, by the way. Graham is away in England. I'm in England. I think you returned the day this episode is out. Welcome back, Graham. Yeah. How did you enjoy the Olympics? So, the Space Girls were great.

How about those female bodybuilders? I was going to say volleyball players. So bulky. Would it be fun to predict what people have been talking about during the Olympics? Did the white guy win? With the no legs? Was he invited? Blade Runner?

The white guy. That's how you identify. I want him to win for white people. I mean, if that's how we gotta win, by losing our legs, I'm in. Yep. You're into losing your legs. I mean, if he wins... You really are the 1%. Go white people. Come on.

Don't you want to win the 100 meter dash? Don't you want our people to have it back? Our people? Oh, no. I don't believe that I believe they come in with flags of their race. I think you come in with a flag of your country. The last time white people won the 100 meter

dash was like 1904, before black people were even allowed. It's when we used to run in pleated pants. Yeah, we used to run in khakis. Yeah, the tennis players played in long pants. Chariots of fire. Absolutely. And some

black guys. Stop it. Well, and some black guy come on stop it well anything else happen while you were in England you know like I say the Spice Girls closed the closing ceremony they were great

they reunited for this they're looking good which one? Scary Scary looks good Scary looks good united for this uh yeah they're looking good yeah who which one scary yeah here's the order scary looks good scary looks good yeah um here's the order in which they look good keep in mind i haven't seen them wait wait let's let's wait i think isn't probably who probably posh is in the best uh condition right i don't know she's a little scrawny. Yeah, she's scrawny, but she's probably just had the most money pumped into her face.

Ginger's great. None of them are poor. No, I think Sporty's face is poor. One of them's gotta be poor. Yeah, I think she blew some guys for money. Yeah. Well, this is great

yeah the Olympics were great that guy who lit the torch or woman really they hired the human torch yeah it was really emotional the whole Doctor Who themed opening was great

yeah other British things yeah The whole Doctor Who themed opening was great. Other British things. When they brought out the dancing bangers and mags. I don't know. Yeah, they had a World's Strongman. They had a double-decker bus competition. Yeah. Big Ben fought the cucumber building.

Yeah, sure. In a joust. It was really all over the map. They had a crumpet versus a tea. Yeah. Yeah, all of... Everybody that came into the stadium were holding, like, a teacup on a... It was very slow-moving, because it was filled with tea so nobody

wanted to spill and there was a lot of like uh uh it was the first um olympics where there was just an event called poise yeah yeah have we insulted all your english viewers yet uh it's fine yeah they if if uh anybody in the world has a better sense of humor about themselves than the English, I have not met them. So how was Batman? Great? It was okay. It was good.

You know. The only notable thing about watching it in the theater was opening day when I saw it. And the lady next to me... Did you have to pre-buy your tickets? Yeah, I just bought them online. Did you dress as Batman? Absolutely. No, I dressed as the Penguin.

And just get my fingers crossed that he would show up. I had a shirt on that said, Go Cobblepot. Is that a Penguin thing? That's his last name. Really? Penguin Cobblepot? You didn't watch the second one? Yeah, they call him Cobblepot a bunch of times. And then the lady next to me, every single twist in the plot through her fur loop that she kept throwing her hands up like,

Dah! What? She did that about, you know, 12 times, let's say. Every major turning point in the film. Dah! What? Dah! She must be fun to watch TV with, because they do that right in the film. Ah! What? Ah! She must be fun to watch TV with, because they do that right before the commercials, so she goes, ah! And then she has to get up and, you know, get stuff.

And she also did the thing where you open a hard candy very slowly, and you drag that tiny sound out over seven minutes, slowly twisting the candy. Then you smack it in your mouth.

Yeah. Anyway, so she was the worst. I don't know if she enjoyed the movie. I mean, maybe she did. Maybe she was throwing up her hands because she enjoyed it so much. Some people, that's how they watch movies. The worst. I think that'll be the last movie I see in the theater this summer.

First and last. Done. I read that the villain maybe wasn't the strongest villain. Oh, he was super strong. He could lift things. Not like that, I meant... No, you know what, it's the thing... Mumbliest.

Yeah, you couldn't... I mean, maybe other people could understand what he's saying. I caught some of it, which is fine. But there were certain points where you're like, I feel like I really needed to hear what he was saying there to understand the next thing that's happening. And also, it's like nearly three hours

long, and I've got a kid at home. Graham, you have a kid? I found a kid. I didn't know whether to say anything there. I was like, should I already have known that? Did he post pictures? No, I don't like him very much. He's ugly.

He broke the camera. Like in a cartoon. Yeah, I make him wear one of those Bane masks. Cover up as much of your face as possible. Anyway, so yeah, that's me. Good job, London, on the Olympics. Great work And let's move on to some Overheards

Overheard Overheards Things in your life Your friends life Hey man, shut up Before we move on to Overheards It's time for my favorite segment on the show A segment called celebrity

birthdays where we tell you which celebrities this is information you need to know which celebrities are a celebrating their birthdays and today is a special edition called celebrity Bulk Days. Bulk? Bulk. Okay. B-U-L-K. Bulk. Bulk. We will speculate what these celebrities buy in bulk. Oh, fun. This week's Celebrity Blank Day topic was submitted by a Dylan Speed. Go Dylan Speed. Go Dylan Speed of, I want to say San Diego?

Sure So these are for the week The day, August 7th Happy Celebrity Bowl Dave shut up Because it's time for my favorite segment A little segment called Hulk Hogan News Hulk Hogan News

It's the Hulk Hogan News It's the Hulk Hogan News Take it It's Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. Take it. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. Thank you. Perfect.

Thank you. Now, here's the thing. We're taping in bulk right now. The celebrity bulk days. I'm so lost. Yeah. You'll catch up. Just ride the wave.

You'll be great. We usually, each and every week, I report on what Hulk Hogan is up to in the world. But because we've recorded these so close together, it's not that I've run out, because there's always Hulk Hogan news. But by the time this comes out, it'll be Hulk Hogan old news. Too old. It won't make any sense. So I'm just going to lay a Hulk Hogan fact on you.

Oh, a perennial. Yeah, exactly. An evergreen. And this Hulk Hogan fact is brought to you by Hulk Hogan energy drinks. Does he have a Hulk Hogan energy drink? No. I mean, imagine. Well, someday.

Probably. He's not the most energetic wrestler. No, that's true. What's not the most energetic wrestler. What? No, that's true. He, what is it? What's his deal? He gets beaten almost to... To a pulp. Then he hulks up. Yeah, he hulks up.

I'm a real American. Here we go. I fight for the rights of every man. Does he really? That's my entry song. It's a good one. But I do comedy. That would be great.

That is absolutely legit. You have to get that one. Yeah, absolutely. But that would be for his energy drink. It should be something that just makes you Hulk up, but only when you're on the verge of defeat. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a two-minute energy drink.

Just enough to pin the guy. Yeah. But here's a Hulk Hogan fact fact may cause baldness yeah where's paul when he paul hogan that's what he looks like when he's not drinking yeah yeah exactly paul hogan's the before picture and hulk hogan's the before picture and Hulk Hogan's the after picture. But the Hulk Hogan fact is, apparently, when he was learning to be a wrestler, his trainer, a Japanese guy, on the first day of training, broke Hulk Hogan's leg purposefully to test how tough he was. And so, that's a Hulk Hogan fact for the ages

that hit that trainer's name, Ra's al Ghul. How do you... Do you just judge how tough they are by how much they wail in pain? Yeah, I guess. Or whether they come back? Yeah, whether they come back, absolutely. With a cast on. Yeah. Well, this guy isn't so back, absolutely. With a cast on.

This guy isn't so tough, he's wearing a cast. Can you sign it? Ask the trainer who broke it on purpose. Please sign my cast. And then he breaks your pen. How tough are you now? So there you go. Hulk Hogan fact today.

Well, now it is back to Celebrity Bulk Days. Happy Celebrity Bulk Day on this August 7th to actress Charlize Theron. She turns 37 today. What do you think she buys in bulk for her birthday? Banana clips for her hair. Does she still

have short hair? I don't know. Oh, you know what? Pistachios. White pistachios. Cigarettes. I know it's toilet paper. There you go. Because everyone buys toilet paper.

Yeah, that's true. Nobody buys a roll. Maybe I should start buying singles. Yeah, buy them at like the 7-Eleven. You're never going to know if you live past a week. Yeah, buy them at like the 7-Eleven. You're never going to know if you'll live past a week. Yeah, it's true. I don't want to leave a bunch of toilet paper that lawyers have to get involved in divvying it up.

Happy Celebrity Bulk Day to David Duchovny, who turns 52 today. It's like condoms, right? Yeah, pet food would be mine. He's the spokesman for... For Iams. He's like the voice of Iams.

Yeah, and a sex addict. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he's a sex addict. Yeah, and one of his sex acts that he loves is feeding women kibble. Yeah. He likes to role play. I tried on a pair of sunglasses in a store like a month ago, and the salesman was like,

hey, do you watch that David Duchovny show, Californication? He wears a pair of those. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it is pretty cool. And then I was like, well, even if I do end up buying these, it won't be from you. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's like a combo pack they have on sales,

the sunglasses and then a box of condoms. You'll be getting so much tail. Happy celebrity birthday to TV's Newman, Wayne Knight. Turns 57 today. Also from Jurassic Park. Right. And also from the sketch comedy Fox TV show, The Edge. Sure.

Starring Jennifer Aniston and non-downtown Julie Brown. Regular town Julie Brown. I think... That's the opposite of downtown. Regular town. Not uptown. Regular town. Happy... Wait, wait, wait. What is Wayne Nightbright? Candy.

Yeah, cookies. Did he lose a bunch of weight? I think... Yeah, maybe. I think he went... But I still think he buys candy. I. Yeah, cookies. Did he lose a bunch of weight? I think. Yeah, maybe. I think he went. But I still think he buys candy. I think he went normal. Normal size. Yeah.

Normal town. Uptown. Like Jared. Yeah, and then we didn't like him as much. Yeah, you gotta stay fat. I didn't like him after he did all that thing with the dinosaurs. That's what I really liked. Oh, yeah.

Well, he played a guy named dennis nedry i believe was the character's name and because in the book i i remember reading it and being like okay michael crichton you clearly just he's like the computer specialist and you change the word nerdy to nedry And happy 70th Celebrity Bulk Day to a Prairie Home companion host, Garrison Keillor, the world's most boring radio personality. And in radio, that's tough. What is something that an old man would buy in bulk? Oh, Metamucil. but you know but definitely brand fiber yeah just just fiber yeah and bird seed old people love birds

just got pockets full of it it's the only friend and you could feed bird seed to squirrels too yeah absolutely it's a multi-functioning seed so ducks floating bird seed bird seed is another thing you can only buy in bulk you can't buy one seed you can't buy a handful i'd like a bird seed please bird seed snack packs uh so this has been celebrity bulk days now it's time to move back to the realm of the overheard. And we always like to start with the guest. Yes. And Lachlan, if you would be so kind. I heard one that I didn't hear well enough, but the other one I heard that I did hear well enough was,

check out my haircut. This was a woman. The other person responded Wow looks great and the other girl goes back I know five bucks that's the one thing I just don't think you need to brag about the price yeah yeah five bucks though yeah like where I don't know and then the other thing i i told you last time i saw you about this oversaw do you remember that one i said if you ever if you ever can remember to mention it maybe you didn't but i was walking out of a store and i was walking down the stairs to the sidewalk

and there was a girl sitting on the sidewalk with a book open, like a notebook opened. And it was the first page of a brand new book. And there was one line written. And I actually had to turn to my buddy and ask him if he saw it too. And he's like, I saw it. And it said, well, today I bought a new pencil. The medium is the message. Just had nothing to say.'s like i gotta get something down you know what that's true because it's like uh uh writers say that there's nothing scarier than

a blank page uh first page is tough yeah but the uh opening sentence of a book pencils are weird today i bought pencil that's great uh and great. And then just holding the pencil and just staring. Yeah. You know, like, that's all I got. Think I might chew on it. All right, what now? Yeah, then you just see him throwing a notebook in the garbage. That'd be great to find that notebook.

Yeah, it wasn't today I bought a new notebook, because it was the first line of the notebook. Yeah. Today I'm using that dumb notebook I bought a decade ago, because I finally got a pencil. I wonder if she was just carrying on. I wonder if she's like, I can't say I bought a new notebook, because then it's going to look like I just started. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, she doesn't want to get in her own way. This is a continuance of my last notebook.

The last page of the last notebook was, I think I'll buy a new pencil tomorrow. It's a good thing I ran out of lead right when I ran out of paper. I need a new pencil. Dave, do you have an over... Mine is actually an overseen. Now,

something we've done in the past, one of the great places to look for overseens has been at Whole Foods. They have a board where people write their complaints or their suggestions. Mostly complaints. They whine about what brands they don't have

or why is there too much... It's mostly gluten-related. Yeah, gluten or, you know, spelt. Yeah. Spagnum. Oh, sure. Magma. Yeah, the molten core of this, etc.

Plasma. Now, this was actually a nice one. And it's different now at Whole Foods. They're all digital. Yeah. It's a big flat screen TV that just shows you all of the comments that they've gotten.

You can move them around. Oh, you can? Yeah, yeah. I had a lot of fun with that. And they... I had no idea. Yeah. Do people submit them by. Oh, you can? Yeah, yeah. I had a lot of fun with that. And they... I had no idea. Yeah. Do people submit them by email now, I guess?

Or I think they write them and then somebody types it in. I want that job. Yeah, absolutely. I bought a new pencil today. But I kept, yeah, like, spinning them around and stuff. It was a lot of fun. And this was actually a positive one. Normally they're negative jerks.

But the one I saw last weekend was they named names. They named the guy who was working at Whole Foods and they said, Kevin went out of his way to show us a phenomenal experience of thirst-quenching deliciousness.

Jeez. Poor Kevin. That's how you're coming out? Kevin's going to get teased for that one. Hey, why don't you show me some thirst-quenching deliciousness? Yeah, hey, what's up, delicious? Hey, Kevin, did you read the board? Got a lot of fans.

I got something that needs to be quenched over here. Thirsty boy. Yeah, the Whole Foods staff is a real boys club. Barrel in the back. Hey, here comes Snappin' Towel. Here comes Quenchy McGee.

Yeah, here's the guy what doesn't know his different types of kale. He thinks his quench don't stink. Oops, I dropped the arugula. Pick that up. The arugula. Pick up that.

Is arugula different from rocket? It's funnier. Funnier sound. Rocket's cooler, though, man. Yeah, absolutely. To the moon. Rocket is the coolest green. So, what's your overheard there, buddy?

This was notable because of the names of the children involved. There was a couple of kids screwing around on the escalator at the shopping mall. Going down the up escalator? They were just fucking around. the escalator at the uh going down the up escalator and they were just fucking around the one was putting uh the hand like their hand on it so that it was almost getting sucked into the uh yeah i used to do that yeah they were just doing dumb things that kids do and then their mother who just looked like any other mother like didn't look super hippie-ish or anything, called out to them and said, Sage, Passion, stop it. Wow.

It's like, wow. Sage and Passion. That's ironic. Two boys. They were boys? Yeah. There's such soft names. Yeah, but they're going to be the hardest guys around.

Yeah. I survived putting my hand in an escalator. Sage? I survived putting my hand in an escalator Sage When someone names their kids Sage I'm assuming They must mean it in the sense of like wisdom Oh I thought it was the I really did think it was the herb Yeah me too

I always think of the herb She should have let him get his hand cut But you don't name someone after such a use... I don't even know what sage tastes like. It's just like, uh, it's somewhere between parsley and thyme. Yeah, it's definitely... And there's edible and non-edible sage.

What? Yeah, like there's just sage that's for like, that's like in the desert and shit. Oh, like sage rush. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that would just... That'll just eat up your gums. So there's, yeah, yeah. And that'll just eat up your gums. So there's some Sage that's useless. He'll just eat up your gums.

Exactly. Well, it sounds like that Sage is useless. Yeah. That kid. That kid, absolutely. But Passion is in for it. Yeah. Passion's the dude?

Yeah. Gonna be an artist. That's a rough... He's gonna be an artist. He's gonna be a fighter. Not a lot of Sages working on the old construction. Well, there will be, because everybody keeps naming their kids crazy fucking things.

Every job is going to have people with crazy names in it, eventually. Trenchcoat. Hey, Trenchcoat. Do you think Passion will find a song to come out to when he does stand-up comedy like you did with Lachlan? There's a David Bowie song that goes, Passion. No, it's Fashion. Close enough. It is close.

I think I would still come out with it. I'd say, no, that's Passion. I'd spend my first ten minutes talking about David Bowie's speech impediment. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in wait in addition to our overheards we also accept overheards that you write in if you want to write us our phone number is not what you need you need our email address at gmail.com uh this first one comes to us from Andrew in Davis, California.

I was at a minor league baseball game last weekend and between innings to get the fans involved, they asked quiz questions for prizes. One question was, who is the father of the modern automobile? A, Carl Sagan, B,

Henry Ford, C, Henry Winkler. The woman behind me said to her husband, hmm, the modern automobile, though. That's really good. Yeah. Well, that's true. Carl Sagan.

It's got to be Carl Sagan. I mean, Henry Ford is the father of the least modern automobile Yeah absolutely It is a good question Yeah come on lady What has Fonzie done lately What has Henry Winkler

I think he designed that Tesla car The Henry Winkler choice though is to try to get you to Just accidentally Because it sounds Like henry ford i guess and it's just fun just makes you think of a movie or movie that you like the water boy yeah tv show that you like yeah that's what it is maybe you uh get henry winkler and the wankle rotary engine mixed up in your mind um i got a lot of good wankle rotary material.

This next one comes from Matt G. One morning, there were three kids who were obviously going to have a Spanish test that day, and the following was said. Josh, how do you say I am 12 in Spanish?

Tengo doce anos. But you have to make sure you have to pronounce the accent over the N as in anos, which means bottom. Right. And the kid looks wistfully out the window and says quietly, I have 12 bottoms. Like he was imagining a world where he could possibly have 12 bottoms. Yeah.

Or, I mean, isn't it, doesn't it, I mean, not just bottoms, anuses. Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly. So, one bottom, 12 anuses. I mean, I think of my whole butt as my bottom. Right. But there's only one anus. I mean, it's a specific location.

Yeah, yeah. Let's be precise, guys. It's like a city on the map. Mm-us. It's a specific location. Let's be precise, guys. It's like a city on the map. It's the capital. It's the capital of my bottom. The capital of Mexico. Spain. Whatever.

Whatever. This last one comes from Dana N. From Phoenix, Arizona. My husband teaches introductory biology at a community college intro bio i was helping him grade a homework assignment that asked students to design a scientific experiment and these were some of my favorite excerpts keep in mind these are college age students uh so here are some of the experts. I will put my cat underwater, and if it drowns, then cats cannot take

the oxygen out of water. I tried it myself, and it is highly impossible to breathe underwater. Therefore, my hypothesis is false. Is that the only one, or are there more? Oh, no, there's more. Okay. It sounds like it's just an excuse to drown a cat I tried it with four cats already

The next one is I will have an unlimited supply of penguins To throw off a cliff That's it Already I'm in This is another one. First, gather a number of babies who had been reportedly scared of fireworks.

According to a report, these babies... Like, you need evidence? Yeah. Apparently. Yeah. Like, people are suspicious? Do you have any video of this baby

being scared of fireworks? Are you willing to shoot a... Would you like some footage of your kid being scared by fireworks? A Roman candle next to his face? Reportedly. And the last one is, I forgot my group's scientific idea, but here is an experiment to test if my bunny is anorexic.

So... Do a lot of body shaming yeah it's been reading uh cosmo and thinking it's not as thin as the other yeah yeah playboy playboy bunny oh yeah oh yeah i feel really insecure about uh what they're doing um did uh that uh overheardard her say it was like her husband was teaching the class? Yeah, and she was just helping. Hey, it's college. You shouldn't have your wife help grade exams. Community College in Phoenix. Oh, that's true.

It was the University of Phoenix. Do you think it was the University of Phoenix? The University of Phoenix. Do they actually have a University of Phoenix in Phoenix? I wonder. I think it's literally a university of rising from the ashes. It's funny if there's one place they don't have a University of Phoenix.

Yeah. This is ITT Tech territory. Yeah, we're kind of a DeVry state. This is Barbizon wall-to-wall. I think it says that on the license plate. Arizona, the DeVry State. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also

accept phone calls. If you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328 like these people have. Barbizon. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Courtney calling from Ventura, California, with an overheard. I was at a pooch parade last weekend, which is the dog festival,

and I was watching a tail wagging contest, and right as they got ready to start it, the announcer said, all right, everybody, get your wieners out of your mouth. We're about to start. And that happened. That happened. It did happen. The tail wagging contest is great. What's more delightful than being at a pooch parade

right before the tail wagging contest? Yeah, exactly. Getting there just in time. They haven't started the wagging contest yet. Oh, do we miss the wagging contest? How do you get your dogs... I mean, you must just get them all fired up. Yeah.

It's tough because you're already outside, and that's what you... The promise of going outside is what usually gets them fired up. Yeah. You've got to be like, want to go for a car ride? Oh, yeah. Car ride? Where's the kitty?

Where's the kitty? Oh, listeners, take your headphones off, and for the next 10 seconds, put your headphones on your dog. Where's Kitty? Where's Kitty? Is that a squirrel? Is that a squirrel? Who's there?

Hey, who wants a treat? Treat? Do you have a treat? Do you have a treat? Yummies? Thank you. Yummies? Yummies?

Yummies. Yummies. Oh, okay. Yummies. Well, this has been 10 seconds of dog talk. All right. Next overheard. That was my favorite part.

Yeah, me too. It just reminds me of having a dog. Can we do a podcast just for dogs? Yes. Can we just completely reformat the show into being a 30-second show for dogs? Stop dog casting yourself. Stop dog casting. Very great.

Go to your bed. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Elizabeth in Oregon, and I'm calling with an overseen. I just passed. I'm driving. This is illegal. But I just passed a sign on someone's lawn. It's a political sign, so this is a political overheard.

I hope that's okay. And I had a picture of Barack Obama's face in a skull and crossbones, like a poison symbol. And the text on the sign said, Barack Obama, colon, economic poison and avid dog fancy subscriber. Dog fancy subscriber? Yeah, it's a magazine. Oh, you're a dog fancy subscriber. Dog fancy subscriber? Yeah, it's a magazine. Do you want dog fancy? Yeah.

Hope we change what we can believe in? Yeah. Is that what you want? Hope? Yeah. One more years? No. Do you want Obamacare?

No. Obamacare? Who wants Obamacare? Yeah. You're a good boy. Yeah. You're a good boy. Yeah, you're a good boy. You're a socialist? Are you a socialist?

Yes. In Pichu? Yeah. In Pichu? Where'd you go get your birth certificate? Go get your long-form birth certificate. Go get it. Go get your birth certificate.

Oh, it's a good boy. You can't swim? Can't swim? Wow. Can't swim to get your certificate. Oh, he's a good boy. Can't swim? Can't swim? Wow! Can't swim? Get your certificate? Finally, this overheard I don't believe is dog-related. Oh, actually, I believe it's cat-related.

Hi, I'm Ben Graham. This is Katie from Pennsylvania calling in with an overseen. So my town this weekend was host to a big bike rally, so lots of bikers everywhere and lots of unique biker t-shirts and jackets with slogans embroidered, ironed on, whatever. But this one guy in particular had a jacket and across the back of it expressed a sentiment I assume was supposed to be, get a real bike, pussy.

However, the lines were separated a little bit awkwardly, and there was no punctuation at all. So what it actually read was, get a real bike, pussy. That was one of those fold shirts. Yeah. Get a real bike, pussy. It said, fuck you or something. Get a real bike pussy. It's a fuck you or something. Get a real bike pussy.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Like, we knew how to talk to dogs. You talk to dogs in a real excited way. But you don't talk to cats. I mean, even if they are bike pussies. You make noises. You don't actually use words.

You just go. Yeah. And then when you do talk to them, you say, ah, get out of here. Knock it off. No claws. No claws. It wouldn't be as good a podcast. Casting yourself. Podcatting yourself. Yeah, of course. Write to self.

Stop dogcatting yourself. Ready, great. Topdogcatting. Quick, internet. Somebody make up our photo so it's two dogs and then the grandpa guy in the middle is a human. Yeah. Do that. That's your homework.

Yeah, I'll post the picture on our recap blog, so you definitely have a high-res version of work. Yeah, absolutely. And there has to be a bike pussy, like an actual cat on a bike. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe on a poster of the background, all sorts of possibilities. Um,

well, these have been our overheards. This has been great. It's time to wrap up the show. Lachlan, God bless us. Um, you're super fantastic.

You're hilarious. Thanks guys. People, uh, if they can, should go out and see you, uh, perform. Do you have any can, should go out and see you perform. Do you have any upcoming shows that you would like to plug?

This episode will be out August 7th. Yes. Yes, I will be in Calgary. I just booked a weekend there. I believe September 13th. I have a bunch of dates coming up all over the United States and a couple in Canada so you have a website?

LachlanPatterson.com you can go to my Twitter where I post all my dates at LachJaw someone told me I should switch that to Lachlan Patterson yeah switch to Lachlan Patterson how do you spell Lach? L-A-C-H-J-A-W I think it's a more professional.

At Lockland Patterson. Yeah. Then people can find you for sure. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, so go to the website. Check that out.

Can people go on YouTube and see your Tonight Show appearance? Or is that on your website? No, the people at Hulu have decided to control it, and Canada restricts what you watch from the United States. Oh, ain't that the truth. However, yeah, it's really hard to find, and actually I've been in contact with people at NBC trying to get a copy of it,

but there's a lot of copyright restrictions with it. So really, at this point, it's going to be really hard to find it. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, I'm lucky I saw it when I saw it. But you're not that lucky, because he's going to be back on The Tonight Show at some point. That's the rumor. I don't have a date, but they've assured me.

They've actually said they have a set of mine that they like and they want to hold it and i said okay and so this is outstanding yeah so i will be on again one day so everyone out there five percent tonight show every night uh dave do anything to play um we will be in toronto that's right uh stop podcasting yourself live uh at the canadian comedy awards that is uh what day the 20 the i want to say the 24th yeah i want to say the 24th. At the Comedy Bar. At the Comedy Bar. Tickets may... I don't know if we announced this last week, so... They may or may not.

They may or may not. Yeah, but for details, you can go to the Comedy Bar's website. ComedyBar.com, let's say? Yeah. Or.ca. I would guess.ca. Yep, sure. And do...

Oh, yeah. Here's a couple of things we're also doing live shows for. We will be in the Oleo Festival here in Vancouver. That's right. Bragging. That is in September. I'm not sure, as of the recording of this, I'm not sure about if you can get tickets to the single event,

but you can certainly buy passes to the entire Olio Festival at oliofestival.ca or com. I don't know. I don't have this information. And we will also be at MaxFunCon East in October. That's right. If you would like to...

It's going to be a great weekend. All of your favorite people are going to be there. Alan Fink. Alan Funt. Who's going to be a great weekend. All of your favorite people are going to be there. Alan Fink. Alan Funt. Who's going to be there? Alan Partridge. In addition to Jesse Thorne of the Maximum Fun Empire, you will also be able to see the likes of Dick Cavett.

Is that right? Yeah. What? Oh, I didn't know that he was going to be there. That's amazing. Michael Ian Black. Yep. Julie Klausner. Love Julie K's amazing. Michael Ian Black. Yep. Julie Klausner.

Love Julie Klausner. Jonathan Ames. Yep. More and more. Yeah. Harry Connolubu. Harry Connick Jr. Harry Connick Jr.

Harry Connobulu is his name. Very funny comedian. Yeah. I didn't know Dick Cavett's going to be there. That's going to be great. That's a lot of fun. Check out maxfuncon.com for information on that it's a great weekend in the poconos with us yeah just bing it do you ever hear that yeah bing is a an advertiser on the show yeah how do you like that

just bing it just we've been bong um and uh do go over to maximumumFun.org to check out the recap blog post that Dave does each and every week there will probably be a picture from Xanadu certainly that terrible license plate I saw oh you have a picture absolutely great

and yeah if you like the show tell your friends again Lachlan thank you for being here and come on back next week and yeah if you like the show tell your friends again Lachlan thank you for being here I guess yeah thanks for having me Graham lost job and come on back next week for another

thrilling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself