Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 23 - Paul Bae

Episode Date: August 4, 2008

Comedian and sketch performer Paul Bae joins us to discuss blue collar food, Blue Collar TV, and blue collar Tim McGraw.  We also write a new Hockey Night in Canada theme, in case you were worried the podcast wasn't Canadian enough.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! All right, everybody, welcome to episode number 23. Good Lord, were we ever so young, Dave. Remember? It seems like episode 17 just came out. I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now.

My name's Graham Clark, and this is Stop Podcasting Yourself. And with me here in our downtown studio overlooking Coal Harbor is the hilarious and talented Mr. Dave Shumka. How are you, Dave? Terrific. How are you, Graeme? I just went for a power lunch and I feel great. What did you have?

I didn't actually. Oh, okay. No, I went to Subway and I ate fresh and I feel awful now that I did. But more on that later. Our guests today, the wonderfully talented writer, producer, sketch artist, but not sketch artist in the police way, and stand-up comic and former teacher, Paul Bay. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having me, gentlemen. How's it going? Pretty good.

I'm just blown away how Cole Harbour looks a lot like broadway and fraser it's the it's the lighting it's we've got weird track lighting yeah um but uh we like to start every show with a little segment we like to call get to know us get to know us. Why don't we start with our guest? I think that's the right way to do things. That seems like the right order. Paul.

Graham. Let's get to know you. What's shaking? What's going on? You just came back from a holiday like two weeks ago, right? It was a holiday. Yeah, it was a weird holiday. A month ago, I went to Hawaii to meet my girlfriend. We wanted to celebrate our one-year anniversary.

Wow. So you went to Hawaii. Yeah, we were supposed to go my girlfriend. We wanted to celebrate our one year anniversary. Wow. So you went to Hawaii. Yeah, we were supposed to go to Hawaii. Then as luck would have it, her older brother wanted to have his wedding there too.

Oh, that is lucky. So he paid for accommodations. It was beautiful. A beautiful seven bedroom estate on the beach for seven days. You were saying it like it wasn't lucky.

Yeah. But in actuality, it was lucky, yeah. It was lucky in terms of the accommodation. Yeah. But then it was the first time me meeting her whole family and stuff. So the whole family was there.

Mother, everything. And I got a glimpse into my future meeting her mother. How's it look? Well, my girlfriend's fluent in English right now. She'll be fluent in Chinese. She'll be just speaking only Chinese in the future. Really? Yeah.

That's how it turns out. She's not going to speak English. And she's going to yell at me in chinese and then when i asked her even a little thing like with all she's got so many kids i'm like hey i'm trying to make i'm just trying to be nice hey uh to her mother and i'm like hey uh chinese mother uh what's it like you're looking forward to wedding number three she go forget wedding number three how about number four looking right i'm like wow this is my future my wife's gonna yell at me in a Chinese accent.

Does your girlfriend speak Chinese now? No. Oh, but she's going to learn it. She's going to learn it. Yeah, in the future. How many siblings does your girlfriend have? She's got one sister and two brothers. Okay.

Yeah. Older brothers, younger brothers? She's the baby of the family. Oh, so they were all looking at you like, don't fuck this up. Yeah. Are you really 39? Our 27-year-old daughter wants to be with a 39. You know, that kind of thing.

There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of little things there. I tried to avoid. I tried to play with the kids the whole time. 39. Can you believe it? I know. He's dreamy.

You are dreamy. It's true. 39? No way. This is a podcast, but I should tell the listeners. We'll put up a photo of you. Yeah. Hasselhoff.

Naked Hasselhoff. Yeah. How do youff. Naked Hasselhoff. Yeah. How do you stay looking so young? Not to do my jokes, but it's like... I think it's genetics. You guys are... Does your father look... My parents look really young.

They look the same. And it's like... Everyone said when I quit teaching in 2002 i actually lost years yeah because i you posted a photo i think it's from your teaching days and you actually do look older i look older then because of the stress yeah five hours sleep a day now it's like you know comics life yeah now you're yeah sleeping in 16 16 to 20 hours a day yeah getting up for four hours, having a burrito. And the only stress as well is, is the bus driver going to know this transfer is fake? That's the only stress.

You say that like it's not stressful, but it is. Wow. So how long were you in Hawaii for? A week, and then we came back here, and then I had to go to Calgary the next week for the big Chinese wedding. Have you been to an authentic Chinese wedding? I can honestly say I haven't.

Have you? Charlie's. Well, that was like a half that was a half chinese wedding right but and so i've been to those ones half chinese weddings or or koreans trying to do a chinese wedding oh i went to a my brother's wedding in vietnam so okay there you go that's about as crazy as right did they do the whole 10 course meal thing uh yeah it was pretty i've never had one before i'm surprised i'm 39 now and I've never had one up to this point. Like, this dish came. I think it was dish number three. It was fried crab claw.

Okay. And everyone at the table says, oh, this is my favorite. I'm like, what? Is this normal? And then you end with fried rice. Like, you don't end with dessert. You end with fried rice. That's the big ta-da at the end?

That's the big thing at the end. It's like, ah, look. Fried rice. Leftovers. That's the big thing at the end. It's like, ah, look. Fried rice. Leftovers.

Do they, so it was like a straight up traditional Chinese wedding? Yeah. Do they have a cake? Did they do that at a Chinese wedding? Yeah, they did do the cake. They did do the cake. Yeah, but is that, that's not a traditional Chinese thing, is it? The tiered wedding cake? I have no clue.

I thought that was like a European, North American-based tradition. Around the corner from my house, there's a place called Anna's Cake House, which is a Chinese bakery that only, well, not only, but they make wedding cakes. Those ones in the window are fake, right? They've got to be. I don't know. They look real. They look like actual cakes.

My sister makes wedding cakes for a living. What? Yeah. No? Yeah. No. Yeah. She could be on one of those shows for kids like, cool jobs. Tell her that. Tell her I said that.

And usually people want like five or six tiers, but no one's ever going to eat that amount of cake. What happens to all the excess cake? Usually the bottom few tiers are styrofoam. Oh, I didn't know that. Are you serious? Yeah. So the whole thing's notam. Oh, I didn't know that. Are you serious? Yeah. So the whole thing's not edible?

No. I guess it could be. Well, have you guys ever watched Ace of Cakes? It's a real show? Yeah. No. It's a show on Food Network all about a company in Baltimore who makes really cool wedding cakes and birthday cakes.

Ace of Cakes. Is that the theme song like the motorhead song no why not does one of the guys have a huge mole on the side of his cheek and it pusses out on the cake while he's making it i wish i was a rock star but no i'm making fucking cakes uh no it's uh a bald dude with a soul patch and And all the cakes are like wacky shapes. And most of them don't have very much cake in them. Like if it's just a straight up cake, it'll be made out of cake. But if they need to make something shaped like a rooster,

they'll just make, it'll all be piping, like copper tubing. Oh, that's cheap. That's not making a cake in the shape of a rooster. Exactly. So is that how it usually works with cakes? like copper tubing. Oh, that's cheap. That's not making a cake in the shape of a rooster. Exactly. That's making something cake-like. Is that how it usually works with cakes? Unless, yeah. Or could there be a cake shaped like a rooster that's all cake?

Probably not. Because that would be tough, engineering-wise. Well, not only that, it's a surprise at the wedding. They're cutting the cake in here. Ding! Clang! Sparks. What they also do is they'll'll use rice crispy treats and just mold

those into different shapes that i agree with that's that's that's sound i rice crispy cake i can that would be amazing yeah how come nobody does that yeah i see it seems like it should be the last course at a chinese wedding fried rice instead of fried rice a rice crispy fried rice crispy can you do that? Fries Rice Krispie Square? You can do pretty much anything these days. Yeah, it is an awesome time to be a human. It's true. Have you ever had fried

Cheerios? No. No. It's like popcorn. Does it? Yep. I'm still bothered by the fact that I don't see Chinese eating Rice Krispies. That's sort of their thing. It should be their thing. I don't think... I wonder... Well, probably can't now but i i wonder if you could have ever got rice krispies in china like you can't now i'm sure because you can get anything american over there before but i don't think they had marshmallows but you know but just even the

you would think that that would have that they i wonder if the chinese came up with puffed rice as a thing. Or if that was... What was the name of Washington Carver? George Washington Carver? He came up with a bunch of uses for rice, right? No, peanuts. Oh, right. Peanuts.

History. I always wanted to come up with a character who was a white trash, George Washington Carver, who came up with a bunch of different uses for corn nuts. Washington Carver who came up with a bunch of different uses for corn nuts. Corn nuts, we've discussed this on numerous occasions. Not actually nuts. Not actually corn. It's like wheat.

I think it's like puffed corn. I thought it was puffed corn. It looks like you can see a kernel. Yeah, it's kernel-shaped. Oh, it's corn? Why is it called nuts then? It doesn't have nuts in it. But they're hard. Nut kernel. Yeah, it's kernely shaped. Oh, it's corn? Why is it called nuts then? It doesn't have nuts in it. But they're hard.

Nut consistency. Yeah. I never ate them because I'm allergic to nuts, and I just assumed they had nuts in them. They probably do. They probably threw some nuts at them. I also don't eat charlton chew because it's gross. It has nothing to do with allergies at all.

And you were in Calgary. Oh, you would have missed the stampede because that's happening in the all. And you were in Calgary. Oh, you would have missed the stampede because that's happening in the future. Yeah. Not in the past. So the rest of the family, they live in Calgary? Everyone lives in Calgary. Oh, wow. Except my girlfriend.

She grew up in Calgary? She grew up in Calgary. Came here to take a pharmacy job at Shoppers. And then... She came... Oh, she's a pharmacist. She's a pharmacist. Okay. I was like, that seems like a long way to go.

But then I was like, oh, no, wait. You probably have to actually have it. Yeah. You know, fucking training to be working at a pharmacy. Maybe she can answer this. Maybe you can answer this for her because she's not here right now. I was at the pharmacy today. I just want to get my prescription.

Why is there a wait on it? What takes so long? Because the prescription I get... Was it pills or was it a lotion? Actually, it's an inhaler. It's an inhaler? Yeah. Why does that take 20 minutes?

Usually, they have other stuff to do before your inhaler. I know that. So there's backlog. There's backlog. If you show up, I've seen it where I'm visiting her, and she's working on something that's going to take another 20 minutes to make, especially the lotions. They take a long time.

Do they have to make the lotion? They've got the different compounds. They've got to mix the consistency. If someone says, I want 1% of the active ingredient, or I want 3% of the active ingredient, and they'll sometimes see little numbers on your doctor's scrolling pad, and you see a little 1 or a 3 or something, it tells you the percentage of the active compound that needs to go in that mix.

I had no idea that they were making lotion. Yeah. That's, and what about, well, did you? I made a little lotion earlier. It's the difference between making and using, all right? I like how when Graham says inhaler, he used the air quotes. Did I? yeah

no I didn't stop spreading lies but what about the pills that's just taking pills out of one jar and putting it in a smaller jar right that's what I do

sometimes you just get the pills in a pre-packaged thing but that's what I had everything I was buying was like a thing of pills that were pre-packaged and an inhaler. It's just backup

because I know they have to count it and measure it out. Right, okay. And then they have to measure it out, do the inventory, say this many pills are gone, just regular inventory. But they can't put that first and then hold off on the lotion. Oh, right, okay. Lotion is the priority. If you've ever

needed a lotion, you know that it is a it's always a priority. It you've ever needed a lotion, you know that it is a... It puts the lotion on. Yeah. It puts the lotion on. You know how important that is. I just watched that last weekend. It's awesome. I forgot how...

You know how you forget how awesome something is and then you stumble across it again and you're like, oh, this was the best thing. I never saw it. Really? It's a great movie. I hate those movies like saw and stuff you know like hostile torture porn just yeah i hate that kind of stuff but stuff with something like silence of the lambs that was that was awesome

have you seen any of those like saw or hostile or uh did you see the first saw yeah that's the only one i saw this is a this is my favorite bit of trivia about this have you seen it yeah spoiler alert anybody who's too fucking maybe i'll get around to it someday uh in saw there's the dead body in the room with them and it's always made for like no money and so they couldn't afford to have a dummy made of that dead guy so the guy who plays the dead guy is actually lying in that scene the whole time. The whole movie.

Yeah, he's there, like, every time they shot a scene where he's visible, it's him lying there. Awesome. And he gets up, he has one line in the movie, or maybe not even.

Does he get up? Yeah, have you seen it? That's how it ends. That's the big reveal at the end. He's not dead. He's the guy. Oh, I totally forgot. He's the guy at the end of the movie I just remember there was one twist too many and like ah fuck it but that was the final twist

was the guy escapes and he runs out of the room and then the dead guy gets up and he's the guy and goes after him and presumably kills him or maybe bakes him a cake but maybe it wasn't all cake maybe there's a saw in it I actually had a buddy I actually had a buddy say after the movie he says is it called saw

because they have a saw or is it because we should have saw that I'm like you mean seen that yeah but he was dead serious because it just occurred to him that's why it's called saw you think it's about the saw but it but I should have saw that guy in the corner. That's pretty stupid. You were an English teacher?

Yeah. Ah, obviously. Correcting people's grammar. Do people, do you do that in day-to-day life? No, no. I hate it when people do that. But people do, my friends do ask me in the middle of a conversation, they'll say, who's right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I remember the last one, we're at this downtown restaurant, they go, is it gins and tonic or is it gin and tonics? I'm like, it's gins and tonic, just like mothers-in-law.

There's no such thing as mother-in-laws. Wait, so if I order a round of gin and tonic, it's gins and tonic. Gins and tonic. Yeah. Not gins and tonics?

No. Yeah, I would think it was gins and tonics. I thought both of tonics no yeah i would think it was gin gins and tonics i thought both of them would be plural as far as i know gins and gins and tonic mothers-in-law ginseng tonic ginseng tonic is that what you said ginseng lotions dave yes what's going on with you buddy oh what isn't i don't know uh i what isn's going on with you, buddy? Oh, what isn't? I don't know What isn't going on with you?

Well, I'll tell you what is This week I went, I have a friend So that's exciting A new friend? Nope, a friend, an old friend And he, every couple months Is it me?

Nope Is it Paul nope oh he isn't he lives alone and he's a grandpa no he moved out of his parents house I guess like two years ago and now he doesn't doesn't know how to cook AJ McKenzie no he still lives with his parents uh so my friend uh every couple of months i we get together and i try to teach him a recipe and as far as i know he's never made anything again after i've taught him but uh i went over and he tried to show me how how to cook because he uh he made a little uh he he had this recipe that he told me he had made before, and it was Asian-themed. It was a chicken stir-fry.

Nice. And I was a little worried when he showed me the recipe because the first ingredient in the sauce was ketchup. And how was it? It was decent. Tasted like ketchup, a little bit? A little bit like ketchup. We're going to have to exchange recipes again soon

Yeah, I've got a whole bunch of new cream dishes. I made you see my facebook pictures. I did yeah Yeah, can't you fried rice with spam? I'm not down without down with a spam or kimchi. Oh, I didn't know that okay? What's kimchi again that pickled spicy cabbage all right? Yeah wait, and you mix that with spam? Yeah, what do you do to the spam to prepare it? You cut it up and you fry it up Sounds like a bad idea It looks like tofu

It tastes like a meaty tofu Have you ever done fried bologna? Yeah That's delicious That's surprisingly delicious But fried spam sounds That doesn't even seem like it would hold Have you tried it?

No. And I refuse. No, no, you've got to do it. Just for like... Try cutting off a half inch slab of Spam, fry it up on both sides. So you can keep the rest of the Spam for later. Yeah, exactly.

Spam doesn't keep once you crank open that little can. We've got to take it out of the can. Yeah. Because it oxidizes and tastes funky. I've never had Spam at all. You've never had Spam? Never. What about Spork?

Nope, never. What about Click? What's Click? Click is like the chicken-ish situation. No. Yeah, there's Spam and Spork and Click. And then there was another one. Tang.

Splobster. Splobster. Splobster. Yeah, I've never had Spam. I've never had Spork. Why does it exist? Oh, I know. This is true. Factually, it was made during...

I don't know exactly if it was World War I or World War II, but... One of the Great Wars. One of the Great Wars was made for the troops because spam didn't... You could carry it on your back for years and it wouldn't go bad. And that tin was completely self-sustaining. So it was the one food that...

And it was very light and compact so they could put it in everybody's kit. And that's how spam... It seems like it would be more Spam is kind of, if the marketing department was wiser, they would market it as spam is an American hero. Because it was on the front lines

with the troops fighting the Nazis. They should have two spam blocks crumbling and put 9-11 on it. And then just say, don't let it happen again. Eat your fucking spam. Or else you're a terrorist.

Let's guilt people into spam. People get guilted into all sorts of things. It seems like it would have been more suited to the Depression than the Great Wars. In the Depression, the popular thing to give the people was nothing and have them die but spam can cause depression right that's true we used to i used to eat spam quite

a bit uh spam and the other thing that you get that's like spam that's um like corned beef hash oh yeah in the in the can that's good its place. You eat a lot of crap. Oh, yeah. No, I quit. I don't eat meat anymore. But I used to eat the corned beef hash and the spam and cooked ham in a can. And somebody told me they used to have, this was before my time, but they used to have a whole cooked chicken in a can. Do you remember that?

No. What shape of can? It's just like a giant can, and there's a whole cooked, deboned chicken in water. Yeah, no, don't make the face like it doesn't exist. You go on Google, you can find it. No, make the face that's gross. No, and it made, apparently, this is my friend told me this, this is from his youth, is that when you would dump it upside down, it would make that, like,

like the cranberry juice noise and just hit the plate with a splash. Have you seen the product Steak'Em? Steak'Em? Yeah. That's an American product. Yeah, you know how ridiculously easy it is to cook up just slices of beef?

Yeah. But they've done this for you already. Well done. They just microwave it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't... I think it's Jim Gaffigan has a joke. He says, is it steak? Um.

But I had that. He's got that joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn it, I was writing it this week. You know, I'm not writing any more food jokes until Gaffigan dies. Yeah, wow. Because he's got everything cornered. Exactly.

And if you guys don't know, who's listening out there, if you've never heard of Jim's listening out there if you never heard jim gaffigan check him out very funny um just youtube it yeah youtube it he's hilarious we there's something we wanted to talk about on the last podcast i was watching um the blue color tv oh yeah yeah you watch that yeah it was i because uh for the last two weeks i haven't been working because i've been uh kind of doing all the stuff because i'm going away you asked me if i'd ever seen it and i told you i hadn't have you seen it have you seen it no i've only seen ads for it yeah the one with larry the cable guy dressed like a baby with food all over his mouth and it looks like the worst thing you could ever

be like like punishment to be honest graham was there any of it funny um uh yeah there was wrong way right no wrong way it's not on it he's not on it no no it's not the same it's bill evangile and jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy and then like a supporting cast and i think there was one thing that like there was one line that i that i heard that actually struck me as funny but most of it is not most of it is very hit you on the head obvious right but it's obviously incredibly popular and uh like especially incredibly popular with the crowd that is there because people are losing their shit. Showtime at the Apollo.

It's that style. People standing up. Now, the weird thing was more than the show, I wasn't really paying attention to the show, although Brian Hart, who used to be one of the executive producers and head writers of Kids in the Hall, works on that show. Are you serious? Yeah. Which I thought was very odd huh he's making a killing oh absolutely yeah

and so these uh but the one thing i noticed about the crowd was the women in the crowd were incredibly attractive and the men in the crowd were borderline like neanderthal like just the ugliest group of guys but sitting right next to the most gorgeous group of women and then in one of the crowd reaction shots there was a guy with a fucking eye patch which i was like how the fuck was like yeah how the fuck would not only would there be a guy with an eye patch at a show, but that the cameraman would not realize that he was trained right on him. Like the director should be in his ear saying, get off. Get off of Johnny Eyepatch. That's crazy distracting.

We can't use that. That whole phenomenon about the hot women in the crowd and the ugly guys in the crowd. Yeah. I only noticed that with major comedians uh and rock concerts because every guy wants to be that guy yeah and every girl wants to that guy that's true well i realized it a lot in calgary growing up you would go if you ever went to any country music shows the women were outstanding looking and they're dressed like that kind of like country girl fantasy you know and you're like yay but then

all the guys in there are like i want to kill you like they just they're looking for a fight and they're crazy and they're scarred and they've just been like having firefights just before the concert my theory with uh why there were all the the uh ugly guys and the really hot women is because in the South, in America, I imagine that most of the guys have been killed off early in life through shotgun accidents, ATV accidents, Civil War reenactments gone wrong.

So this is natural selection? And now just the maimed leftovers have their pick of the women. Yeah. Here's another. While we're talking country music, I don't know if you guys saw the clip that's going around the Internet at the moment of Tim McGraw during one of his concerts. When someone grabbed his crotch?

No. Rescued a woman, right? Yeah, some guy was getting super aggressive with a woman in the audience. So Tim McGraw, during a song, reaches down and just pulls this guy up out of the audience. And then the security pounce on him and everything. But the greatest thing was, as soon as security's carting him off stage, that was during a solo. And then he busts right back into the song. And I was like, well, that's why he gets to stick it in Faith Hill

whenever he wants. Whenever? I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure he went home after that. Hey, if he can lift a guy out of the audience, he can hold Faith Hill down. Yeah. You don't think he's that strong?

The only clip I've seen is him, he and Faith Hill are doing a duet. And on stage women are reaching up for him and a woman totally just grabs his crotch and squeezes it

and then Faith Hill comes over and is giving her what for, telling her that she needs to learn some respect. That's not the way we do it. That could be for, telling her that she needs to learn some respect. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's not the way we do it down in Tejas. That could be a way of showing that respect. Tejano superstar Faith Hill.

Tejan. Do we want to move on to... Did we get to know you? Yeah, that was it. I made a ketchup dish. Tim McGraw. Shit. Is he the crime dog? Yeah.

No, I mean, there's, you know, we got to record a lot of podcasts. That's true. That's true. Let's move on to Overheard. That's what I want to do. Overheard. Overheard. All right.

You've listened to the podcast. You know how this works. Did we ask you to bring an Overheard? Did you. You've listened to the podcast. You know how this works. Did we ask you to bring an overheard? Did you think about it? No. Oh. That was probably unwise of us. What did I do?

What is this? Okay. I'll explain. Maybe, perhaps, there are some listeners that have never heard this segment before. If you're ever eavesdropping, you're in a lineup, you're on the bus, you're at a movie theater, you overhear things, somebody somebody saying something you thought was particularly hilarious this is what we do during this segment is we share things that we've heard people say so we'll let dave go first and then if you conjure one up that you can remember of something particularly hilarious

and you throw one down okay uh today i was in kingsgate Mall on Broadway, which is one of the top 50 malls in Vancouver. At least. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm including the lobbies of office buildings that have two stores in them as malls. And strip malls. Yeah, strip malls. Oh, if we include strip malls, it's in the top 150.

Oh, yeah. Then it suddenly gets bumped down. Kingsgate Mall is a but they're there's the thing about kingsgate mall before you got it's it's they're trying to class it up they got rid of the orange orange which was which was an orange julius that couldn't pay the licensing fees and now it's like a it's like a fancy croissant and coffee situation they still have the pimp suit store. Yeah. And the hooker boot store.

And the rayon shirt store. Oh, with the fiery dragon theme or dice. Yes. Dice and blue flames. Yeah. That's a good look. That is a good look for any guy. Let them know that you...

Don't button it up. Wear it over top of a wife beater. Oh, I know who you're talking about Anyways I don't Yes you do Graham just made the penis and vagina finger motion And I still don't know who he's talking about

What really? That doesn't clue you into it? Someone who has sex and On camera. Listeners, if you feel out of the loop... Oh! Someone who is not a DJ. Somebody who's not a DJ.

Now you're in the loop. Now you know. All right, so you're at Kingsgate Mall. Yeah, and they still have their big lottery stand, because that's a major industry in East Vancouver. Oh, good. Is the maybe winning the lottery. You're going to make it, lady in front of me.

And there was a guy who just bought his lottery ticket, and there was a huge sign, right? Like, he turned around to his buddy after he bought the lottery ticket, and he was up against this huge sign that said 32 million dollars because that's the the jackpot yeah and he said to his buddy man it'd be nice to win 400 dollars he's a guy who uh he's a little jaded i think that's awesome have you ever played the lottery have i ever played it yeah yeah i bought a lottery ticket before uh you ever played the lottery? Have I ever played it? Yeah. Yeah, I bought a lottery ticket before. Have you ever won anything? Nope. I've won $10.

I didn't win anything. I think it's really stupid. But, I mean, that goes without saying. But here's the thing. If you're going to buy lottery tickets, and you are, if you're that type of person, stupid. Right. Why don't you do it at the giant lottery kiosks located all over the place instead of at the gas station first thing in the morning or during rush hour when you're and like if you know you want this is the

thing when i smoked i didn't go up to the till and then peruse the different fucking cigarettes. I knew I wanted players, extra light, right? Or whatever I wanted. But these people go up and then it's just a mystery to them what lottery ticket they're gonna buy. One of those and maybe one of those. I don't know. It's the seven and the quick pick and it's fucking enough.

Morons. I've been considering taking up smoking and... Do it. Is it gay to smoke Slims? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Slims and menthols? Menthols.

Menthols are huge in the African-American community in the States. Really? I did not know that until last week. I didn't know. How did you find that out? I read it in a report about smoking. Who's buying menthols? Yeah, because I always thought that was the classic old lady smoke.

Was like a menthol slim. But they're disgusting. I thought it was for party smokers, especially I see girls all the time. Oh, because they're like, I don't like the taste. I like the taste of menthols. Or if you don't like banaca or mouthwash, you just do a menthol and you smell

like mint. Banaca? Or Bianca? Bianca. After Bianca? After Bianca, my mouth did not smell right. Yikes. Whoa. I would, I have been, I forgot to

mention this earlier. Paul is our only guest ever to be barefoot. Oh yeah, that's true. But you're a sandal man. I're a sandal man. I am a sandal man. The second that it's not torrential downpour, and even sometimes when it is, you're ready to go flip-flopperoo. I remember in 2002, I was in the States.

I was doing the Laugh Factory, and Bobby Lee got me that spot. And after my spot, he goes, first, he mounted up the pressure saying the owner's going to watch you. Afterwards, I go, what did you think? He goes, not bad, but come over to the side room. I've got to talk to you about something. So I thought it was important. I thought maybe I offended somebody. He goes, I know you're from Canada, so it's probably really hot down here.

Don't wear sandals on stage. Really? That was his big thing. Wow. I don't like seeing people in shorts on stage. Yeah, it disturbs me. Yeah, I don't like that either. It's too casual.

But I don't mind. A lot of people have like a toe phobia or are really grossed out by seeing people in flip flops. But listen to me, I stopped wearing sandals on stage because I noticed people in the front row do look at your toes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think you should be

wearing no shoes and you really shouldn't be wearing fancy shoes because mostly they probably should be looking at your upper torso. That's where the jokes come from. Unless you're one of those crazy ventriloquist acts where everything comes from the feet. You're like, listen. Oh, never mind.

Alright. Okay. This is... I like this overheard because of the way that the person said it. And they said it to the person who was asking them a question. Like the person who was asking the question was retarded. And that's what I liked about it.

Was because the person was, okay, it was two ladies. And one lady said the phrase, my sister-in-law's brother. And then the other lady said, your sister-in-law's brother. And then the other lady said, your brother-in-law? And then the woman goes, my sister-in-law's brother. Like she was... Like she was retarded.

But she was actually retarded. I like that a lot. You're not listening. Do anything? Do you have a memory for an overheard? Yeah. Last Friday. This better involve Bobby Lee.

How many times can I vlog that one? No, I was at my girlfriend and I with my brother and his fiance at Global Restaurant in Yaletown. Very posh type of place, right? So we're there. My brother's paying, so that's fine. That's pharmacist money.

That's pharmacist money. That's some brother's money. Art director money. So he's sitting there. He's an art director, wow. Okay, go ahead. He's the art director at Radical. He's a senior art director there.

He made all the Hulk games. Oh, very cool. Very artistic boy. Radical entertainment. Yes. But we're there, and this table next to us seats two.

It's packed on a Friday night, and four people sit at the table for two. And the manager comes. We over here. He can't sit there. And these two guys, you can tell they just reek of money. And they look like assholes.

And there were these two women. And he goes, well, why can't we sit here? They go, well, it's a dinner table for two. He goes, well, I'll get your most expensive bottle of champagne. What is it, $1,000? He goes, $800. He goes, yeah, give me that. As if nothing. So my girlfriend's elbowing me like, pay attention to this conversation. This is it? A thousand? He goes, 800. He goes, yeah, give me that. As if nothing.

So my girlfriend's elbowing me like, pay attention to this conversation, this is going to be good. So he brings this, and it's a huge deal, they bring like fondue

and it comes with a whole bunch of stuff. Right. It's not just a champagne, it's called Salon Champagne. I've never heard of this. Salon Champagne? Salon Champagne,

$800 a bottle. And plus another 200 for the service they're about to get. But you have to buy that. So he brings it out and he starts, the manager starts explaining story he goes well most people like cristal or dom perignon but the most distinguishing tastes and palates like salon did you know that during world war ii when hitler invaded poland he would only drink salon and everyone at the table table the two girls did this really?

and they looked at the glass and the light like wow this must be good. The Hitler? We couldn't believe it They drank that with so much joy. Really? So you mean Adolf Hitler? I don't think there's a lot of difference between someone who will spend $800 on a bottle of champagne and Hitler. And they took over that table like it was Poland. Did they annex the Sudetenland?

They're looking our way. That's so funny. I love it. I love it that that was the guy's selling point. Who's heard of Hitler? Raise your hand if you like Hitler. Raise it the other way. I know you don't like Heineken now, but have you heard of Mugabe?

Guess what quenches his thirst. I think that was the king of overheards. That was excellent. Well done. We should spring it on our future guests. Just surprise them. See what they conjure up. What do you want to do now, Dave? I had an idea.

Okay. Well, you had the idea, but we forgot to do it earlier. What's that? About the Hockey Night in Canada theme. Oh, yeah, right. The song? Yes. Well, you heard about this, right? The Hockey Night in Canada theme. Da-, right. The song? Yes. Well, you heard about this, right? Yes. The Hockey Night in Canada theme. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- to uh they refused to to negotiate for the ownership rights to the song which is ridiculous

because it was they the lady said like give me what was it two point something million dollars and you can have it yeah they were paying her 500 per use per use for decades yeah right like that's when did that song come out was it it the late 70s, early 80s? Oh, maybe even before that. I think it was over 35 years ago or about there. So if you were paying $500 a game, how many games a week? One. It was only one game?

Yeah. They only played it for that? Yeah, it was two. Two episodes now, but back in the old days. Okay, but you could say, like, wow, fucking... That's way over that span of time. It's way over the million, right? Right.

That she wanted. Yeah, right. You can own it for this much. They fucked it up. Yeah, they fucked it up. They didn't buy it. And then CTV, a rival network, pounced on it and bought it. Outright. Outright. And so they can use it for anything license it for anything they want they don't carry hockey night in canada but

they will they will uh and uh they carry other hockey shows or they own tsn who carries hockey and uh so now cbc is holding a hundred,000 contest to create the new Hockey Night in Canada theme song. You don't win $100,000. It just costs $100,000 to run the contest. Yeah. It's taxpayer money. But, man, it would be sweet to win $400. So, yeah.

Did Hitler have $400? No, because he had an $800 bottle of champagne. so yeah did Hitler have $400? no because he had an $800 bottle and I believe he was using Deutschmarks so we wanted to come up with or we wanted at least to throw our hat in the ring

of our new Huck Night in Canada theme song but we don't have anything yet. I had one idea for kind of a rhythm. Okay. That just goes, I'm talking Hockey Night in Canada.

He's talking... Would another voice come in? Yeah. Or like, we're talking... Like it's a whole gang at the mall. We're talking Hockey Night in Canada. Who's talking H hockey night in Canada? He is.

She is. They are. H-N-I-C. Any ideas to spitball? I think I just spitballed something. I say you make it hip-hop because black people love hockey. Just urbanize the whole thing. I'm listening.

Or you know what? Joking aside. There's more black players than Donald Brashear. Name them. Eldon Pokeretic. Good. Grant Fuhr. He's dying.

Current. Gaston Gingras. Jerome McGinley. Yeah, Jerome McGinley. Tony something. Blair. You just nodded. all right jerome mcginley uh yeah jerome uh uh tony something blair um you said you just nodded like you gave the nod to gil as if okay out of that list he's the one who's black yeah like wait a minute okay um um what do you what do you got oh wait you already said what you had yeah um it's a how about this see it goes down change a different note yeah if you what if you changed every second note

but it still had the same melody would that work or would that change the melody i don't know anything about music or different markets give it a like, one of those world music tinges to track, like, more people. A bunch of trismet at the front, right? And then, you know, a bunch of the Chinese people skating circles, right? Have it look like a precursor to Beijing, right? All this kind of stuff. Arrows flying through the air That transform into sticks And then at the end

It's just the In music form Yeah yeah We can get Peter Gabriel aboard We can get Yusuke Endure The silhouette of a king Annie Lennox Running

And then it turns Becomes hockey skates That's good That is good That's a visual and a song Yeah Cause you don't usually Make it very

Make it very Lion King Lion King the shit out of it And uh Well cause that's what that's what's hot right now yeah yeah because the lion king i believe came out this year yep it did i believe it won a tony it did win a tony it's hockey night in canada that's the old timey if you went like the way old timey with it well i think since we do so many theme songs on this show, we owe it to ourselves

to create a theme song. Well, we've thrown out a couple of possibilities. Yeah, I don't know where we go from here. Maybe I create a thing and add it at the end of the show so you keep listening and at the end of the show I'll take some world music

some Graham stuff and put it together and see how it goes we have to get back to the tribal roots of hockey that's all I'm saying yeah that's a good call I think it came from the streets that's why they call it street hockey yeah also at the end

I think there should be a whisper where it goes game on that's always good don't forget native elements because i think hockey actually started as lacrosse from guys who didn't know how to sew right so there was no basket for the stick and that's how they knew how to tape they knew how to knives have you seen the uh canadian outfits in the new olympics no they are I had a joke about it. I said that they fed a dog a bunch of crayons

and whatever he shat out was the pattern they went with. Not good? Not good. Is it really? But native themed. They're not though. No, they're Chinese themed. Yeah, they're Chinese. They're just a weird pattern of crap. Is it better than the Vancouver Voodoo's outfit?

Vancouver Voodoo ruled. No, it's just literally like, I think the primary colors are like red, yellow, turquoise, and something, and it's just like that's the sound that they make when they mass produce it. Why don't we ever just stick to red and white? I don't understand why we don't just stick to red and white.

It's astonishing to me that we don't stick to red and white. It's astonishing to me that we ever try to go outside of... I think the maple leaf is a pretty adaptable thing. You can do a lot with that. But there's always this... So they made these things... And there have been some great uniforms in the past.

I think the first year that Roots took it over, they kicked some ass. And pretty much every Canadian hockey uniform in the past has been pretty great. From the Canada Cups. Is Roots still involved? No. That was just that one-time winter thing? No, it was a couple of Olympics. And then the Bay outbid them. Oh, no.

And so that's why. CTV outbid them, actually. So they have Tamara Taggart designing the outfit. So that's our throw our hat in the ring for the Huck and I in Canada theme. So you can make the checkout to Paul Bay, Dave Shumka, and Dave Shumka. Oh, son of a gunders. Here's the thing. Game on.

Game on. But then it has to be accompanied by like the, what do you, like chimes? Yeah. Game on. Like that. I'm very excited to make this. Yeah. All right.

Well, I think it's time for another visit to the Celebrity Crush Hat. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity Crush Hat. Chapeau Chinois. Celebrity Crush Hat.

Crush Hat. So I choose the age and tell you my celebrity crushes. Yes. Okay. 26. 26. Can you remember?

Do you need a break to kind of look things up? Give me one second. 26. Can you remember? Do you need a break to kind of look things up? Hold on a second. 26. That was... We've decided, Graham and I decided, that we're going to involve ourselves less in the celebrity crush hat. Because we've pretty much gone through the gamut of crushes.

But I'm still always curious to find out who the guest had a crush on at that age. That's never going to get old to me. It was 1995. I was 26 years old. I'm going to make some guesses. Oh, go ahead. That would help me. 1995.

Salma Hayek. Laura Flynn Boyle. If Salma Hayek was in Desperado, was it Desperado? With Antonio Banderas? She was in that. Yeah, I had a crush on her on that one scene. The sex scene?

The sex scene. I thought she was hot in that sex scene. So that's not really technically a crush. No. Any one of the five Spice Girls? No, too early. Here's the problem. I was 26 at the time.

I didn't have really celebrity crushes after 22. I think. Really? You didn't think you didn't see a thing and then you were like, oh, that's hot. Who did you have a crush on who wasn't a celebrity? Who did you have a crush on at 22 that made 22 come to mind? That made 22 come to mind?

Yeah. Who's this mystery lady at 22? Daniel Sedin. He's number 22. The other one. I'll remember 26. 26, it must have been 1995.

You were heavy into Better Than Ezra. Nobody was better than Ezra. You were a big fan of the gin blossoms. It might have been Bjork. Paul is full of love. Because I loved her of the gin blossoms. It might have been Bjork. Oh! Paul is full of love. Because I loved her in the sugar cubes. Oh, really? Back in 88.

I can't remember what she had out at this time. I remember seeing a picture of her and I thought, well, she's quite something. Would that have been that era? The Spike Jonze video. When she started getting a bit more popular. She was always very cute. Would that have been that era? The Spike Jonze video. Yeah. Yeah. When she started getting a bit more popular and a bit more... Yeah. Yeah.

She was always very cute. Yeah. I wouldn't totally disagree with that. And crazy. Cute and crazy. She's wacky. Yeah. But she's not violent crazy.

Well, she has been. Did you ever see her attack that paparazzi? Yeah. Paparazzi? Yeah. At the airport. Yeah. Here's the thing about paparazzi is why would you give

a group of people who are easily the shittiest people going in society. It's like pedophiles and them. But pedophiles can't control it, right? Paparazzi's can't. So that makes them the shittiest. Pedophiles just are pedophiles.

Paparazzi's choose to be that fucking shitty. You can't have an intervention for pedophiles, but paparazzi's like choose to be that fucking shitty you can't have an intervention for pedophiles but paparazzi you should be able to intervene exactly but why would you give that group of guys that are that shitty because you watch TMZ

everybody does why would you give them the coolest fucking name that a job can have I'm a paparazzi why don't you just call them shit snakes nobody wants to be called a shit snake uh you said you do watch tmz on occasion yeah i've watched it a couple times and i love what's the guy harvey levin harvey levin yeah the guy from people's court who's the host host yeah he's not on it anymore he's very very rarely on it. On the TMZ show.

I only remember him, he always had a coffee, a hot coffee, not an iced coffee, with a straw. I doubt it was coffee. I think it was scotch and red. The guy that I hate the most on TMZ

is the guy with the long hair. Kato Katelyn looking guy. He's always got the lamest shit to throw in. It's Kato Katelyn. Yeah. He leans up against his desk at the back of the room by the window. Mr. Snarky Pants back there.

Waits for everyone to say something. Camera goes to him. He says something like, I don't know, maybe her and Brad are in love with his stylist. And then the whole room starts laughing. Yeah. Of stupid shit. It seems like it's a... It's terrible.

It's an entertainment show, but they decided, okay, well, we don't have any personalities on the show. But everyone's kind of funny around the office. Oh, do you know what they're doing? I think TMZ is trying to make the paparazzi not so hated. Like, hey, these are humans who can joke around. Yeah, do you know what they're doing? I think TMZ is trying to trying to bring like trying to make the paparazzi not so hated. Like, hey, these are humans who can joke around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very paparazzi centered around their own personalities. Totally. Yeah, they give the gossip and they look at the people who are taking these pictures like, we're not so bad.

Hey, look, we're joking around. They're all terrible. The celebrities that they follow are terrible and the people taking the photos are terrible. They're all terrible. Like, don't

the celebrities come on and they're like, but we're just trying to live our life no you're fucking not you're trying to be famous that's the whole reason you got into the game don't pretend then when it goes super shitty and you're like i just tried to pee in an alley and somebody took a photo it's your fault like i'd love to be famous because I would never go out. If I was... Yeah, I'd be famous for like 12 hours before I became a recluse. And they'd be like, whatever happened to Graham Clark? Well, there's tons of people that are super famous that you never hear about in the tabloids because they have normal lives.

The paparazzi just get bored while he's taking out the garbage again. I think if you stay away from Hollywood, like if you live in Wyoming, there's no paparazzi. Yeah, like Johnny Depp lives in France. So you never see, you see photos of him when he's in town. Yeah. William Hurt moved out to Oregon. Yeah, but William Hurt,

not that hot. He was in the Hulk. He had an awesome mustache. Actually, my girlfriend's, a lot of people think he's smoking. Would that be her celebrity crush, Ed? Maybe, I lot of people think he's smoking. Would that be her celebrity crush, Ed? Maybe, I don't know. That's funny.

Really? William Hurt? I got a lot of female friends think he's, well, because of his personality, his character. They saw Children of a Blessed God. That's the movie that did it for them. But do they know that he was not playing William Hurt in those movies? That that was not a documentary about William Hurt loves deaf people he's so caring why is he an asshole why is he trying to kill a green guy i love that uh marley matlin what show was she was on dancing with the stars and she's always referred to as oscar winner marley matlin what did she win an oscar for children of a lesser god

that must be something imagine if any of us won us won an Oscar and you'd have to introduce the guys. We got Oscar winner. Yeah, no, you know what? That is all I would have. I'd have it on my business card. That's all I would say. I would just hand it and say, Graham Clark, Oscar winner.

Every show you play, you have to say, I need somewhere to put my Oscar. I would just have it around my neck like a fucking medallion. Like Flava Flavs. Backstage, hey, do Oscar winners eat green Smarties? I didn't think so, fucker. Go back at the page.

But you were talking about TMZ trying to humanize the paparazzi. Yeah. I was noticing that the hosts of other entertainment shows are not human either. No. No. No. Rick Campanelli. Except maybe Mark McGrath. He's all too human.

But I only noticed this because Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight. She's a cyborg. She's a cyborg, but she showed some personality a couple weeks ago when she was interviewing Barry Gordy, the founder of Motown Records. Oh! And she was talking about his golf game, and she did an impression of the hip waggle

he does every time he... right before he swings a club. And her hip stayed on? That's awesome. Her hip stayed on. The warranty is intact. Well, I don't..., well, I don't want to watch that shit ever. You don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah, I didn't watch that. I didn't know TMZ existed until this past year when I had a girlfriend. But I watch fucking anything. I watched The View for 20 minutes today, and it had Spencer Pratt. That's who... Who won? Spencer Pratt. That's who was on it.

Spencer Pratt and his girlfriend. Heidi Montag. That's my favorite thing is that they're the new Paris Hilton. From the television show The Hills on MTV. You're not missing anything.

You're literally not missing anything. I watched every episode. They say it's a reality show, but the cameras somehow always seem to be there at these incredibly dramatic times. The lighting is immaculate. It's all perfectly set up.

They're in clubs. It's all written, but the thing is these two have emerged as like kind of a celebrity quotient of it and uh whatever right it's they're the new she's the new paris hilton the only difference is she's like more like she's a christian she doesn't drink or do drugs so it's not gonna be any fun that's the thing it has to be fun so we just drop her right if she's not going to just self-destruct then what the fuck point is it bringing her out and making her famous she's she's really dumb i remember from she's really dumb yeah of course

but that's not well it could be fun but it's only fun like she's dumb but so what right it's only fun when it's like somebody important is dumb. Hey, have you personally ever met anyone who you know thinks Paris Hilton is super cool? Have you met anyone that thinks that? Yeah. You have? Yeah. But they're all kids. Yeah, okay.

Did you know that former guest on our show, Paul Anthony, once squeezed Paris Hilton's boob? Really? Yeah. Really? It was his birthday. And I think they were in Sundance at the same time and he told her it was his birthday and she was like, okay.

Have a squeeze. Really? He meets more celebrities. He is the TMZ of Vancouver. There's a great picture of him at a Spice Girls concert with Alan Cumming. The best picture of him is with him and the lead singer. And Chad Kroger.

Yeah, Nickelback. That is the best photo in existence. Post that on your blog. I think this has been... We could do this all night. Enough is enough. Yeah. Paul, you got anything to plug

coming up in the next, say, six months? Jeffrey, you and I are co-featuring Yuck Yucks, downtown Vancouver, July 31st to August 2nd. Will this be out by then? Probably not. No, I think it will. Or maybe not.

Maybe not. You may have just missed it. You may have just missed it. That would be great, though. You know, Yuck Yucks is always going to sell out on the weekends. Yeah, you don't need to plug that. Do you have any personal projects?

You know what? Keep your fingers crossed. I got a pilot already in the can called Special Delivery. It's about Canadian stand-up comedians and the art of stand-up comedy in the club. Oh, cool.

And it's at Omni Films right now. We're trying to get that together. We also forgot to mention that you're one half of the Sketch Comedy Troop bucket. Bucket, yeah. Hopefully we're doing something at the Comedy Fest this year. We'll see. With Charlie Demers is the

other half. He was on episode four. Yeah, and keep an eye open at the Comedy Festival for those two. Yeah, who's? Quite a pair. Oh, Dave, you have nothing to plug, I have nothing to plug.

I do just want to remind people to listen after the show for our Hockey Night in Canada theme song. Yeah. Yeah, stay tuned. That's going to be special. And email us, stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com.

I would like to have people call in and we can talk to them. And so if you email that address, I'll give you my phone number if you're not a creep and I will hook something up. Right on, buddy.

This has been a lot of fun. Thanks again, Paul, for coming in and being a guest. Great, Dave. Wonderful host. Thanks for having me. We try, but come back again. Wonderful host. Thanks for having me. Ah, we try. But come back again. Listen again. We'll have more hilarious episodes waiting for you here at Stop Podcasting Yourself. We're talking hockey night in Canada

Don't mess with us cause we're in Canada Don't put your mouth on me, I'm Canada We're talking hockey night in Canada We're talking hockey night in Canada Who's talking hockey night in Canada? We're talking hockey night in Canada Who's talking hockey Night in Canada. Who's talking Hockey Night in Canada? He is.

She is. We are. Canada. Canada. Batman. I'm talking Hockey Night in Canada. Then I'ma get up in your trousers. Then we gon' go to Winford louder.

Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder.

Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. Then we gon' go to Winford louder. I'm talking hockey night in Canada Then I'ma get up in your trousers Then we gon' go to Winford Louder That's the store from the Drew Carey show Hope you don't like watching Vancouver Cause they are barely ever on the show I'm talking hockey night in Canada Then I'm gonna go see Kung Fu Panda It's the story of a panda who learns Kung Fu And the spirit that dwells inside you We're talking Hockey Night in Canada We're talking Hockey Night in Canada

We're talking Hockey Night in Canada We're talking Hockey Night in Canada We're talking Hockey Night in Canada We're talking Hockey Night in Canada We're talking Hockey Night in Canada Game on.