Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 237 - Ross Dauk

Episode Date: October 2, 2012

Comedian Ross Dauk joins us to talk about enemies, rough housing, and postal work. Plus, the return of Drunk Dials!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 237 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the rappinest guy in the USA, Mr. Dave Shumka. Hi there and here I am. My name is Dave Shumka. My name's not Cam. There you go. See? Ah, the rappinest.

Are you here to say anything? Oh, yes. Hello there. My name is Dave Shumist. Are you here to say anything? Oh, yes. Hello there. My name's David Shumka. I'm here to say my name's David Shumka in a major way. See? He's the Rappinist. And our guest today,

comedian, would you say producer, former park ranger, current mailman, sort of. Mr. Ross Doak is our guest. Hi, everyone. Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Graham.

You're welcome. Yeah. And that brings us to the end of the show. Thanks for joining us. I'm happy to be here. Well, do you want to get to know us? Sure. Get to be here. Well, do you want to get to know us? Sure. Get to know us.

Now, Ross, we are also roommates. We are, yeah. Aren't we all? Yeah, well, in the larger sense. This planet is kind of like a one-bedroom. Yes, this planet is very much like a one-bedroom. And we have messy roommates in this one-bedroom. Yeah, right?

And sometimes you stay up late at night listening to them fight. And other times you're like, I just want to sleep, man. And sometimes they're having sex and then you have to hear it. And sometimes that's good. And sometimes you need to talk to Halliburton

about all their dirty dishes in the sink. Take care of that, man. Yeah, man. Who left all the oil in the sink. You should take care of that, man. Yeah, man. Who left all the oil in the ocean, dude? Yeah. That's a pretty good metaphor. Who got their chocolate in my peanut butter? When you, you know...

When you're spreading chocolate. Well, no. This metaphor only applies to the Reese Corporation and their pollution. Now, a while ago on the show, I had to move from a place that was, we got evicted and moved into a new place. And you were the roommate that was fighting against the eviction. Timely bring up. And we haven't even spoken about this, but I feel like i owe bring up yeah thank you i feel like i owe an explanation to like uh stop podcasting

yourself listeners because people around vancouver when they find out that i'm the main roommate uh they have been like oh it's you i was like yeah i know because because it's hard on you and i felt bad you went i know i'm a i'm a hothouse flower. You entered into the storm. And what's interesting is that literally today, I had the last court appearance with my terrible landlord. So it is all of my businesses wrapped up as of today. The battle ends. Thank you very much. So what's the ruling?

Right. So the ruling, it's been a long process. What happened was Graham entered into the midsection. What happened is like we solar plexus. Yeah. When I fight, I enter into the midsection. What happened is like we... That's how I always do it. Yeah, when I fight, I enter into the midsection. A lot of body blows. What happened was that the place was run down, and I fought this guy.

I would say run down would be, you know, like you sell a used car, it's a little run down. Gently used. Yeah. Pre-loved. This place was held together with paint. The room I was in was just held together with a paint yeah paint that i applied not the landlord one of my no the floor right oh yeah okay at one point the floor literally got removed from the basement and instead of replacing the

rug he just painted the concrete floor there's cracks and nails sticking i thought you were gonna say he painted the dirt yeah it was a little bit of dirt and uh anyway so what happened was like he so uh when i brought the attention to the legal places about how run down this was we won like some money and the right like that he had to fix out the place and that's when it went crazy that was that before graham it was before yeah it was before graham and then you just had this huge windfall yes you want you wanted so much money the thing is that he didn't he didn't pay us and he also didn't fix up the place like he was legally supposed to and that's when he turned into a villain right and we did not know before that point that he was gonna go so crazy it's like in breaking bad where you're like yeah

how does walter white wait spoilers oh no yeah he becomes good at the end breaking pretty good or does he yeah so this guy became a villain yeah and then you good at the end. Breaking pretty good. Or does he? Yeah. So this guy became a villain. Yeah. And then you entered into the worst. And that was tough for me because we were friends but not good friends. And I looked up to you as well. And suddenly this guy that I liked and wanted everything to go well walked into a swamp room. Yeah.

And the guy that was the landlord, he didn't look like a guy where you're like, oh, the banality of evil. He looked like an evil guy like he had a real evil guy hairdo and he wore scarves and like long black trench coats every day yeah yeah and he drove a very kind of like a car that an evil guy would drive tinted windows yeah and he had like kind of a wife that looked like Cruella de Vil. Okay. Yeah. Cruella de Vil? What was... Cruella. Cruella. Emphasis on the Cruella. Oh, wait.

I just got that. Like, I thought it was just Cruella, like it was like... Like a cruller? Yeah, or a gorilla de Vil. Yeah. Wasn't she skinny? Less gorilla. Or chimpanzee.

But she was always covered in hair. Oh, yeah. True. That's true. She loved dog coats. Was that her deal, or was that just The Simpsons? Oh, man. You know what?

I'm not sure at this point that I've ever seen 101 Dalmatians. I think it's one of two Disney movies I've seen. Maybe three. What? The other ones being? The Great Mouse Detective and Aladdin. Which one's The Great Mouse Detective? I don't think I've ever heard of that one.

It's about these two mice detectives once okay one sort of the the watson one sort of the lisa ling to the oh guys are you excited to the johnny lee miller mouse johnny lee mouse look oh um oh am i excited about that johnny cheese miller? Because he's a mouse? Sure. No? That's not? No?

Yeah, that's fine. Okay. Am I excited about that show? Not so much. I'll watch it once. Abby will watch it. Yeah. My darling wife.

Ross, are you excited about it? I don't even know what show you're talking about. It's like a new Sherlock Holmes. It's an homage. But it's called Elementary. Oh, yeah. And it stars Johnny Lee Miller, who you might remember from Hackers. Sherlock Holmes. It's an homage. It's called Elementary. Oh, yeah. And it stars Johnny Lee Miller, who you might remember from Hackers. It's Sherlock Holmes in elementary school.

Yeah. He solves recess crimes. That would be a great show. Yeah. Especially if, like, why is Lisa Ling in this? She's too old to be. She just does. She just voices a character. Oh, okay.

They do, like, the babe, you know, like, mouth. Yeah. Yeah. On a character. They do the mouth on a kid. They just make the kid talk with Lisa Ling's voice. Production. Lucy Liu, not Lisa Ling. That really caused a lot of the confusion for me. You're like, why is a reporter involved in this? Didn't we do that the whole time? Yeah, you did.

But Lucy Liu, she's in a lot of stuff she shouldn't be in, I think. She's not in anything. She's in that new RZA action. There's a Kung Fu movie. They put the F-U in Kung Fu. And she is in that. Ballistic RZA versus Sever. Yeah, RZA versus Sever.

They put the F-U in Kung Fu. Who put the other U in Kung Fu? Yeah, whoZA versus Sever. They put the F-U in Kung Fu. Who put the other U in Kung Fu? Yeah, who put the Kung? You, the audience. Hopefully. You, the audience, put the U in the Kung part, but not the F-U part. And somebody with the last name Ng put the N-G in. That K just showed up by itself.

Sure. Who put the K, like, that greenlit the film? Okay. Who did that? Oh, that's, yeah, the executive producer. Yeah, I guess so. So what else is out? What's new?

You settled your court. Yeah, so it's all good. Like, so the villain is out of my life. I get to become a better person. Did you get more money out of this? No, no. So what happened was he came for damages on top. So not only did he take our home, he sued me for eight grand.

Eight grand? eight grand yeah and so what came out is like it all kind of came out neutral so it's good uh his evil didn't prevail in the end and what's interesting is that he apologized to me today which is interesting he apologized twice and it seemed genuine which i didn't really like because i didn't want this story to wrap up all nice i wanted it to end with a sequel where I become the villain and I come for him. But now he like, he, you know,

he learned. Like you go for him. I go, I go, I'm coming for him. I'm coming for you. I wanted this to change. I'm coming for you. I just have this,

you guys are trying to like, break it. I'm like, I'm coming for you. I'm your wifey. I'm coming for your wifey. Stop. Okay,

no, you're right. You're right. We're friends. It's good. I shook his hand. Really? Yeah,

I shook his hand. Oh, that sucks. Well, my heart is a little bit hurt. Yeah. I've got to become a better person. It's good to have someone you can hate. Yeah, it's true. It's good to have an enemy, right?

Keeps you sharp. Yeah, it really does. Like, what would James Bond be without Professor Moriarty? He wouldn't be the great mouse detective he is to me. Yeah. What would Lucy Liu be without Professor Moriarty? He wouldn't be the great mouse detective he is today. What would Lucy Liu be without Lisa Ling? Oh, man, that's embarrassing. I'm glad we caught it. Yeah, I'm glad that we caught it instead of somebody else, but I wish it would never happen.

I don't think it's... Are you afraid that it's racist? No. Because they're very similar looking. They're the same age. They've got the same initials. They've also both... Yeah.

Like, I don't... I only remember Lucy Liu from... Ballistic X vs. Severn. That's right. Ally McBeal. No, what am I... Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels, yep.

Choppy's Angels. Yeah. And Lisa Ling was on the original cast of The View. Yeah, and then she did... Didn't she do a thing where she got her passport taken away? Yeah. And Bill Clinton had to save her sister. Where's that...

What? Why did she have her passport taken away. Yeah. And Bill Clinton had to save her sister. Where's that Lucy? What? Why did she have her passport taken away? Because she, uh, she joined Charlie's family. No one really

gets my stories. They took her passport away because it had the wrong name on it. It had Lucy Liu. Yeah, there was something,

yeah, her sister ended up in, like, uh, something, yeah, her sister ended up in, like, being, like, held hostage or something. Yeah, in a terrible country that we can't name. Yeah, she was thrown in the same, in the Bane prison. Yeah, no, yeah, she was in,

she was beyond Rangoon. So, you've made amends with your enemy. So you've got to find a new enemy i guess yeah yeah i guess so what if the enemy's inside yeah it's possibly true what's interesting is i've been like wronged by two people before this and neither of them have apologized that means that this guy is like possibly better than this one ex-girlfriend and this one ex-friend of mine. Now, how many times have you been wronged? I feel like I've been wronged a thousand times. Really?

Today. Just today. Well, yeah. Was that because of your roof? You can only count two wrongings? Three wrongings? And one was a... Yeah, I haven't been wronged a lot, but they've been major. Like heartbreaks, where I have to reconsider whether I become a villain. Like you're thinking of the guy that drank the root beer really fast before he got on the bus and burped on the bus. That counts as one.

That's one. Wow, jeez. That's one of many today. Who else today? These pants. Why these pants? I don't know. I had them hemmed, and the lady was like, oh, you're not going to want to wash these pants i don't know i i had them hemmed and the lady was like oh you're gonna

you're not gonna want to wash these pants ever they're these are corduroys and she she was like they're they're gonna be like denim you're not gonna want to wash them for the first six months and i was like i'm probably gonna want to wash them plus they're so inky that it turned everything blue so yeah yeah so i was like uh uh do i wash them before I get them hemmed, or do I just get them hemmed right away? And she's like, no, you're not going to want to wash them. So I got them hemmed, and then I was like, I got to wash these. I washed them, and now they're way too short. I'm trying to pull them off.

So that lady's an enemy. Yeah. Yeah. That's a major wronging. Well, so you feel like you've only been wronged. Like, what is your definition? Well, I guess, what are your differing definitions on being wronged? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, for me, it's major events. Me too! Like, operatic. Yeah. Have you cried about your pant length? No, but... Have you, like, raised your fists and yelled in public? Like, oh oh that woman

i'm not a dramatic idiot yeah i am i am operatic i like yeah i like i raise my fists a lot tell me about these wrongings unless you don't want to uh no it's okay it seems like it's personal yeah they're a little bit personal that's all right this time it's personal this time it is personal uh one was just like a girlfriend who straight out lied and took advantage of my trusting heart. Yep. Right? And I think that's happened to a lot of people. Now, this is the girl that whenever you refer to her, you refer to her as the girl.

She's my least favorite ex-girlfriend. But don't you say the girl who wronged me? Yeah, the girl that wronged me. Yeah. So he's like an old Westie. Yeah, exactly. Because there's been one other rough breakup, but it wasn't a wrong. girl that wronged me yeah because uh because it's like uh he's like an old west yeah exactly because like there's been there's been like uh one other rough breakup but that it wasn't a wrong hey sometimes it goes sideways this one was a wronging there was clear communication and she went

sideways i was like how dare thee and then you know we battle in the desert or whatever's gonna happen she went sideways uh something went sideways yeah did you go see sideways? Yeah and she didn't get the seats I wanted In the front are you kidding me? Back middle Back middle lady Or middle middle Middle middle is ideal Or middle side

Middle side is not bad Sure Anywhere but front Anything but love The other one is the interesting one though Anywhere but here The other one's the interesting one though the other one's interesting to me is because what happened was

I was in love with a girl but I couldn't get over her and then a good friend of mine for 10 years sent me an email I was like hey Ross, you still interested in that girl? I'm like I'm interested in going on a date with her be totally honest with me I was like if you would have just said honest I would have been like hey go for it, we're adults, it's been years but I was like to be honest would have just said honest, I would have been like, hey, go for it. We're adults. It's been years. But I was like, to be honest,

to be completely honest, I am trying to get over her. I can't. She's all I care about in the world. Ten years later? No, it was just like a couple years. And then he's like, okay, sounds good. And then when I came back to my hometown, there was a weird vibe. And it turned out they were

a dating. What else are they going to do in that shitty old hometown it's not a tiny town it's like a big town there's other people well there's yes there are attractive as good looking as her yeah she was just normal looking

she's not like does it seem to fit the narrative at all I liked her because we got along well she was very beautiful obviously sometimes but other people were like she looks like an alien Does it seem to fit the narrative at all? Hey, I liked her because we got along well. She was very beautiful, obviously, sometimes. But other people were like, oh, she looks like an alien sometimes. Which she did.

Giant eyes. Was it Mina Suvari? Bone structure. Yeah, it was Mina Suvari. She had great work, but she's self-conscious that she hasn't gotten anything recently. That's hard. Yeah, anyways. And then so this guy went for it, but then lied to her, I think, too. Saying I gave it the okay.

And then he still hung out with me And didn't say it Big wronging Oh so she's operating Like under the That it's all cool Oh wow Yeah yeah

And then Yeah and then we kind of had it out It was interesting Oh really? Did you guys get into I went there Like I have a no violence policy And I went there

With the express reason To give him a punching Because he knew My no violence policy And also He makes me So you had to jump on him no violence policy. And also, he makes me... So you admit this to jump on him. Yeah, and he wouldn't meet me anywhere that wasn't public

because he was nervous, which is crazy, because I've never instilled fear before, I don't think. But wouldn't that be, like, I mean, if you were really going to go back to the hometown to lay a punching on somebody, wouldn't you want to do it in public? Oh, yeah. Like, this is like the town square.

Mayor column lead. Hear column. Here you go. And then what was interesting is he also, he and I share a thing. We don't like being told what to do. We don't like being scolded. Oh, I love being told what to do and scolded. Who doesn't like being scolded? So we were in a bar. I like being scolded.

That's my thing. I should have went with hot water. At worst, if it goes sideways. I have a very strict no hot water. At worst, if it goes sideways. I have a very strict no hot water policy so he never would have expected that. Yeah, he's drinking a chilled drink. So hot.

So eventually what happened was that I scolded him in public and I called him a coward. Which I think in this day and age like because he you know he could have just told me and be like hey here's the deal i'm going for it i'm like okay respect that but instead he lied he went around it's like you're a coward and it was funny because and everyone in the bar yeah and then everyone in the bar like was listening because it got weird

and i stood up he's like hey sit down like no no i stand as i do this and then get off the mechanical ball yeah ladies night it was a weird choice of venue uh it was a club that's very you know the man who shot liberty balance or something i'm gonna settle this score in the street i feel like i'm an emotional batman like you know batman is like writing justices i'm just like writing small emotional ones. I think Batman was in an emotional Batman movie. When I say that, sometimes people think I just mean I'm a weeping Batman. How often do you say you're an emotional Batman? Three times in my life.

One for every wronging. Yeah, exactly. Batman was only really wronged the one time. Like, outside of being Batman. And if the Joker would just shake his hand and apologize. Do you think that would blow Batman's mind? I'm so wee, Batman.

Yeah, he owes a bunch of poison cards. I want to do a little reveal about what it's like to live with Graham. Is that if you do something nice in the household, sometimes you get a written note signed by Cobblepot or maybe Bane. Yeah, yeah. Bane, Cobblepot. These are my go-to pen names. At least I think it's Graham. Cobblepot, I just learned a few weeks ago, is the penguin's last name.

Penguin Q Cobblepot. Well, because Ross rewatched The Batman Returns. People talk about how there's no more people with the last name Hitler, but there's no more Cobblepots. No, but it was only after Batman Returns came out. It was like 25 in the phone book, and then the next year, zero Cobblepots. But he comes out of the sewer to run for mayor, and he gets pretty close, right? Yeah, definitely. to run for mayor and he gets pretty close yeah right yeah definitely that's the crazy thing is that the people of gotham are considering uh electing a man that has been in the sewer for

20 years and there's a lot about water design right yeah a lot of he's going really on the infrastructure yeah yeah but like is it because they're in a city where they've handed over the law enforcement to a guy who dresses like a bat. Yeah, it's a weird psyche of the entire population of that city. And so much stuff happens in the sewer. Yeah. It's true.

If you guys remember, the ending is very poignant, because his penguins... This is Batman Returns. Yeah, Paul Bearer, the penguin's body into the water, and these penguins solemnly walk his body out to rest it's like kind of poignant it's pretty sweet yeah you know you know doesn't he in the very opening like when he arrives he like crashes through a rich person's

party on a giant rubber duck and like that could have been any batman movie That happened in Batman 1 with the Joker. Yeah, but not on a rubber. No, he had his face. He was wearing white face. Oh, that's right. He was in beige face. He was in beige face. Apparently,

on that movie, because the penguins, most of them were real, including Danny DeVito. He lived with penguins for a of them were real, including Danny. He lived with penguins for a year to get him here. They were treated so well, I guess it's a good sign if penguins mate.

That means that they're having a good time. I mean, any species, really. But anyways, they all mated on the set. Oh, so there were a lot of batman babies oh yeah yeah exactly it was a real summer of love oh yeah imagine what those would go for on ebay a batman baby yeah a penguin born on the set of batman yeah or like conceived on the set of batman conceived while thinking of danny david real hollywood family um but, he comes very close to being almost elected mayor in that.

He does, yeah. Even though he bites off a person's nose and is creeping on every woman in a very sexually explicit way. Like, that's the craziest part. But women in Gotham can't vote. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Catwoman can. If you're some sort of...

Nine times. She stole someone's ballot. Yeah, exactly. She's a master thief. Although she wasn't in that movie. She was just a crazy lady. Oh, that movie is so strange. Have you seen the Catwoman movie?

With Halle Berry? No. Have you? I don't think I have. I don't know if anybody has. No. I'll bet you if you really pressed Halle Berry on it, and wouldn't we all like to play it? She would say, I don't remember.

I wonder. That was filmed in Vancouver. Was it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. So Vancouver was a stand-in for Gotham City? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Perfect. I was thinking, like, someone should compile a list, and if if who better than us yes of the worst movies ever filmed in vancouver because there are some doozies there's like that electra movie yep there was uh what's the all the uve bowl movies really yeah oh which ones are those it's Dungeon Siege yeah a lot of castles in the area right yeah yeah Vancouver's famous

for its many castles what else all the Fantastic Four movies the one the Arnold Schwarzenegger one where he's in the sixth day

no the yeah sixth day yeah yeah that wasn't so bad it's alright it's interesting a lot of it was filmed at the library

anytime I see that library I lose I lose track of... Battlestar Galactica was hard because it's a good thing. You're like, oh, they're on this world. Nope, just Vancouver. Just the library over and over again from every angle. Oh, is it really? Yeah, that's the most spacey, agey.

Yeah, the library is also the building on the TV show Fringe. It's like their head office. Oh, wow. So curvy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So Coliseum-like. I want to...

Now I have a thirst to watch this Catwoman movie. Yeah, I think Sharon Stone's in it. So you know it's good. Yeah. 21st century Sharon Stone? She plays, you know, Catwoman's boss. Didn't her husband get, like get bitten by a Gila monster or something? Was that Cindy Crawford's husband, maybe?

No, Cindy Crawford's husband, Richard Gere, stuck a Gila monster up his butt. No, a Komodo dragon bit Sharon's toe's husband when they were on vacation, he lost a toe or something. Are you thinking of Lisa Ling? Lisa Ling was kidnapped by Komodo dragon. No, that was Lucy Ling. Oh, man. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, you were talking about living with Graham.

Oh, right. Well, here's what's going on with me. Uh you were talking about living with graham yeah oh right um well here's what's going on with me oh i uh oh in a couple of days you and i will be in calgary alberta for a live podcast and i will be staying at your family's house yeah and your face is all tense and now i'm suddenly uh they well suddenly thinking, what a great treasure. Is this your childhood home? Yeah. That's where I grew up. Will I see your boyhood?

My boy parts? You see his boyhood. Will I see your boyhood? Where my room was. Are your brothers still living there uh no will i wrestle with them yeah lots of knuckle sandwiches they will definitely come over and uh yeah lots of noogies i meant noogies but you were doing the jerk off motion. The boyhood, right? After my brothers and I left

the house, my parents really... My parents still haunt it to this day. They really fancied it up. So where my room was is now a bathroom. Oh, really? That is the fanciest way to change a room.

Is to make it into a bathroom. Put a toilet where my bed used to be. Upstairs is all bathrooms. A bunk toilet. But yeah, they put in a nice, fancy kitchen. What about a bunk bath? Has anyone ever come up with that idea?

So what, two baths on top of each other? One bath on top of the other, yeah. Yeah, but like... One rains into the next one. Sort of. Like an infinity pool kind of thing? Like the water just gets, ooh, cycled around. No, maybe not that, but like...

You fill a bath. The plumbing doesn't need to be connected. Right. Between the two. So there's a bath that you just like, I'm getting in the upper deck. Yeah, it top bath topsies it's a good idea would they be a good idea dave thanks yeah yeah it is a it's surprising that it doesn't exist is it it's a terrible infrastructure to hold up a tub would be huge yeah i feel like the best thing to hold up a tub is a floor. Or a roof.

Come on, to be fair. Or a deck. That's also when my parents put a tub on the roof. That was one of the renovations they did. Threw a bathtub up there. What can I expect? From Kessa Clark. You're gonna meet my parents' dog, Jordy,

who is a Jack Russell Terrier, who will, at one point or another, try to make out with your face. Like, while you're sitting down, he'll... Deal. Yeah. So, you're gonna love that. Is he named after Jordy LaForge? He came with that name, so maybe.

Okay. Yeah. He did have... When he arrived, he had this visor thing that he couldn't see without, but now he can see without it. Well, he just bumps into a thing that he couldn't see without. But now he can see without it. Well, he just bumps into a lot of stuff. We're not sure. We just don't care what he sees.

My parents have satellite television. So that's going to be great. I'm there one night. What else? My mom, she'll make something. She is excited as all get out to her as a guest. And

I was like, well, it doesn't look anything like the house I grew up in. When I go back, it's like they moved into a different house. Because we wrecked the house that we grew up in. Well, you were Hellions. There was three of us. And we used to...

A lot of the walls had gouges in it and stuff. You know, by the time we left, so... Forehead-shaped gouges and whatnot. Yeah. So they fixed up the place real nice. What's the worst it ever got? Rough housing. You mean like...

Just like house damage or body damage. I think we've covered childhood injuries pretty extensively on this show. Yeah, because one time I threw a soup can at my brother's head. Full one, not open. I think at one point I remember my brother and I got in an all-out brawl and he came at me with

what do you think? He poked a fire log with? A poker. But he did not poke. He whacked me with it. And it hurt a lot. I don't know. My parents probably remember. I remember once

my dad said, like, stop roughhousing. And then we continued roughhousing and we broke a lamp. There was a lot of that kind of stuff. Like, this is your final warning. And then we would push it one extra notch past final warning oh and getting so much trouble how about you ross did you what was your sibling situation yeah that's i had three older sisters uh but two of them were six feet tall so i got pummeled by these girls for years and then one day i became six feet two inches tall

and had a man body and suddenly violence wasn't allowed so all my thing is like me defending with a stacking stool we all know we all know how you are anti-violent uh not then i want anti-hot water i wanted some sweet vengeance oh man i think i have a problem yeah there's a lot of defense of me running out of the house because like the other thing was is if they beat me up and i started throwing punches then it would go like i was it's like i'm from saskatchewan there's an inherent sexism to it that like if ever it got to fisticuffs i was in the wrong because there was like yeah that's generally but that's an adult thing i think children can sort of it's still held the lines blur i think

for me that did you guys have those poles That go through the house There's a fireman upstairs With the carpeting around maybe Oh yeah We had that through our living room And that was the thing that for whatever reason We were not allowed to mess with We couldn't climb on that

That's a load bearing pole I wanted to climb on that so badly So I remember that was the trouble point If you're climbing up that And then we'd get caught like our weight would pull it down yeah we had a banister in the basement that it was like don't put any weight on the banister because it's connected with screws in the wall and uh we'd always swing around full force on it yeah and i remember the first time it came down oh shit the sound was The sound was just, like, unmistakable. Satisfying of every screw popping out all the way up.

Yeah, but just this, like, pat-dow, pat-dow, like, the whole thing just coming out of the wall. Oh, so much shit. Dave, what is your sibling circumstance? I have an older brother and two older sisters. Ah, interesting. They seem, your older brother, though, Mark, he seems

very peace-loving. He doesn't seem like a guy. He's the Ross Doak of our family. He's eight years older than me, so it was never even close. Right. Like it wasn't fun. Yeah. It was fun because we would wrestle and he would just throw me around and onto a mattress or a trampoline or something.

Jeez. That was nice of him. Yeah. We had this trampoline set up outside, which is the best place for a trampoline. And it was below, like we, the deck sort of came out of the – it was above ground, the deck. Yeah. And so you would jump off the patio onto the trampoline. And the patio became the top rope and we would wrestle.

That is the daydream was just to jump off of something onto a trampoline. And it was maybe three feet above the trampoline. It wasn't crazy. That or jumping off of a thing into a pool. Oh, man. If you could do all three, that would be the greatest thing. Yeah. If you could bounce off a trampoline into a pool. Oh man, if you could do all three that would be the greatest thing ever. Yeah, if you could bounce off a trampoline into a pool. Holy shit.

If you could jump off a roof, bounce off a trampoline into a pool. Skateboard off a ramp. And ends in a cannonball and everyone cheering. Yeah. My brothers and I, because I was the king of not knowing when to thank you uh not knowing when to

say when like when the boiling point was at its maximum and then pushing it one step further until it things just went uh haywire yeah sideways but then most of my brothers uh they ended up like learning Kung Fu and stuff. Right? The FU and Kung Fu. I remember in the first year that they had gained weight advantage on me. They kicked the shit. My brother, Dan, kicked the shit out of me.

Because you're the oldest. Yeah. So you used to be dominant. Yeah. Then when they gained that advantage plus Kung Fu, they really... and so you've just been gaining weight ever since exactly i'm like see if you can kick this blob i remember really the only martial art my family knew uh was the one where you hold the smaller person down and then have a string of spit go almost on their face oh yeah yeah i remember uh my one sister did this

thing that still weirds me out to this day is like we were all a shy uncomfortable family and we were kind of fighting and she started to moon me and that grossed me out so much i had to run in the other direction because i did not want to see my sister's butt no matter what she was older she knew it probably didn't matter too much it was just a butt but that was like an indefensible move we were fighting that's true i think uh familial nudity will always uh put you in a defensive position i feel like that's a little bit of a crime that's healthy yeah you had a healthy healthy reaction she was testing you yeah that's true. If you went to work there, like licking your chops. Oh, man. Oh, this is the worst.

I feel like getting pummeled by those large ladies. Well, just tall, not large. Have set up a weird path. These gorgeous ladies of wrestling. Have set up a weird path with women in my life. If I would have been into her butt nudity, I would be the most messed up. Yeah, there's many

crossroads that we come to in our lives yeah let's see and i make an enemy at everyone your your childhood sounds like what robert crumb would have had as his childhood to be like obsessed with giant women but he only had brothers so maybe you want what you never had. So maybe you want a covered butt. Leave the butt flap on. I would definitely switch childhoods with R. Crumb. I heard one time he roller skated into a pool. He had an awesome upbringing. Oh, lordy.

So, Graham, what's going on with you um speaking of uh like childhood shenanigans i saw a great child like let's say these are uh 13 year old boys uh i was getting off of the train and uh i think like it must be a catholic school because they were all in uniforms were getting on or they just gotten out of school and they were getting on the train and uh i think like it must be a catholic school because they were all in uniforms were getting on or they just gotten out of school and they were getting on the train and in vancouver the doors on the train if they close if you put something in between them they open back up again and uh so it was this kid who was running for the door he had a longboard skateboard with him and i'm rooting against him yeah he's running for the door he had a longboard skateboard with him and i'm rooting against him yeah he's running for the door and he threw down his skateboard to block the doors and it was successful

but then the doors like they open back up again but only briefly and then they close again so they were just closing on the skateboard and uh he was trying to wedge himself into the door and then his friend or enemy it looked like he was trying to help by pushing him through the door uh like helping him push but what he did was he pushed him and then he pantsed him just so did the kid end up being pantsed inside the train with his friend outside the train yep I think he thought he was being helped too

but then he just got pantsed and everyone in the train is already annoyed that you're holding them up and then his pants are pulled down that's the greatest it was really good so that was the best thing I don't think I could top that.

Yeah. Yeah. I, um... Yeah, there's nothing... Well, I mean, when the train... Never mind. The train doors closed on me the other day, like, on my shoulders. It's embarrassing.

And I wasn't expecting it, and I felt like a real puddle of goop. And everybody kind of looks at you like, this jerk. Yeah. Because it... I wasn't even racing for the doors. I guess I missed the little sound that it makes. Yeah, because every time that it reopens, it goes

do-do-do. Yeah. But then, because there's people that will stand and wait for their friends and be flagging in their friends and it drives everybody crazy. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. But this pantsing made up for all of those years of that. Yeah.

But also, like, if an adult runs and gets the train on time and gets through, like, I want us all to be like, yes, good job. Because it's crazy for an adult to run ever. It's true. I'm like, that's amazing. Yeah. Although, in the back of my mind, I'm like, don't run for the train. You're embarrassing yourself. There's one in three minutes.

I've heard you say that. Yeah. I mean, it's so... Like, isn't it... Don't you lose enough dignity riding public transit that now they're making you run for it? It's true. I ran for the bus a couple nights ago, and I stopped because I could tell that the bus driver

had acknowledged, like, okay, I'll wait until he comes. So then I walked the rest of the way, and the bus driver, when I got out, said, why'd you stop running? Oh, man. I was like, well, you know, like know like you say dignity i wanted to have a little yeah but you know then her announcing in front of everybody took took away the little dignity i had oh well hey you still made your bus yeah that's true yeah that was great growing up i

thought the two greatest jobs like uh blowjob and handjob. Growing up now, completely different. Satisfying job. The two greatest jobs were bus driver and mailman. Because you get to, you know... See the neighborhood. You see the neighborhood, and as a mailman, you're on your own all day. You get to get exercise. Get exercise.

And then as a bus driver, you think of a cartoon with a happy bus driver. And that is like, I can see mailman being a decent job. You can shed some light on that. It's interesting. But bus driver is a nightmare. I feel like bus driving is most like that Seinfeld thing where Kramer is fighting someone off and keeps making the stops. They're like, well, They keep ringing the bell. I feel like that stress is real. That they have to make those stops

and it's going to be difficult. The bus I ride all the time is like a weird conflict. It's like a milk run because there's a stop every three blocks and it makes every single stop. Nobody gets off at the same stop ever.

I was... Yeah, I guess growing up. I only ever took the bus to school and it was through my neighborhood to this school, so it was like no one was on their way to work. There was no one miserable on the bus.

Yeah, it was still... You had this very sunshiny image of what a bus could be. Also sounds like you weren't bullied because, you know, some kids are playing Uno and having fun and other ones are getting knuckle sandwiches. Oh, I mean noogies. Yeah. No, it wasn't a school bus or anything. So it was just a public bus.

Okay, interesting. Oh, yeah. I think a school bus was bully central. Oh, yeah. I got noogied when I got to school. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about mail.

Okay, yeah. So, it's interesting. You guys have actually... Like, I'm a fan of the podcast, and you guys talked about mail. It was maybe three quarters of a year. A lot. You guys were like, there's a lot of mail bring-ups. It's an all right job, I think, but the employees there are stretched thin and they're annoyed.

And there was a strike last year and people are really upset. So it really is a job that's demoralizing because they treat the counter post letter carriers like they're idiots. And so all these adults are like, I'm not an idiot, but they're treated that way. Their signs are all spelled wrong. Yeah. I'm not an idiot. The walking around part is great. The unfortunate part is everyone has to get up early and you sort all the mail.

So you're there at 6 a.m. or something and you're just sorting mail for hours and hours before you go and walk around. The walking around part is great. No one bothers you. It's just you're in a huge plant and there's mail getting carted around. There's mail shucking out of things. And then you have to sort them to each house. And so I have never gotten good at sorting. So that part is stressful.

So to be honest, what happened is I've been employed there for a year. But I only have worked there for the four months until I got past the probation. And then I've been on the bench, it's called. So really, I'm not the most experienced employee. But so the walking around part is great. The other part is not so good. Do you ever get attacked by a dog yeah so that have that is actually quite common and i only had it once and i'm not afraid of dogs because i've been a lot as like a kid

because i was like you bit a lot of dogs i got bit by a lot of dogs so i like i like he calls them dogs yeah yeah those giant those giant dogs uh so i like uh i just had like one encounter but they're sort of common oddly but you were offered dog spray which I think is funny and they treat it very seriously

like bear spray yeah okay to be honest the funniest part about Counter Post is like how they treat safety because it's a giant corporation so safety is of the utmost

and we had we had because they want to minimize their loss so dogs are very a big deal also walking on grass is a big safety hazard.

And in my training, they had a safety guy. Wait, walking on glass? On grass. Oh, grass. The slipperiest of the surfaces. Walking on grass. It may be softer to fall, but they're so slippery. Literally, our safety guy said, hey, guys, did you ever hear?

In the States, in this meat plant plant this guy went in to clean the meat grinder and he didn't turn the safety on another guy came turned on the meat grinder he lost his legs and we're all like oh my god he's like yeah so don't walk on the grass i was like are you kidding me it's insane like the stretch is so wild but what what happens? Did they end up eating the guy's leg? They did. Did people slip? Yeah, slip trips and falls are a big deal, and then dogs. And just trying to prevent that is so annoying.

Literally, they'll put up signs that are like, hey, right footwear? Yes, we're all wearing shoes. Thank you. I've worked at a bunch of places where they had this old poster from probably the 70s and it's like of a like a converse sneaker yeah it's like there's tons of blood around it and there's like so like a fucking axe or something has gone through the shoe and i was like but why would you work like even back when there weren't that many shoe choices still converse would be the obvious not true or axe handling yeah exactly so but is that like posters like that like yeah sort of there's all

sorts of weird like propaganda posters like any sort of giant corporation there's all sorts of weird posters in the place uh let's see here's the here's the best part about uh being oh this is a actually a major crime i'm going to admit to but i don't care uh is like there is uh there is normal mail and then there's ad mail and ad mail is like uh is like when uh any business like sends a thing personalized hey graham want this thing yes i don't what about my monthly j crew catalog that comes every month that if it's to you i don't know what that is actually it's probably why do i get't know what that is, actually. It's probably AdMail. Why do I get so many? So that's probably AdMail. Because you love J.Crew? Well, who doesn't?

Especially this time of year. Yeah. Layers. I feel like you get a weird amount of catalogs. Yeah, because I bought something for years ago for somebody from... What the fuck is the company called the architect one or no no it's it's only women's clothing i get this fucking catalog every month and i because i bought a lady a sweater from this website and it's like they don't even check if it's like a toots name or

whatever they don't care so i just get this dumb catalog dumb catalog. And it's all women's stuff. It is. It's sitting on our kitchen table. I don't know why. It's in Graham's personal bathroom, everybody. No, it's not. Guys, so this AdMail thing is Starbucks on your birthday sends you out a card that gives you a free drink. If you sign up.

Save the magic code. Yeah, or whatever it is. But that's AdMail. And if you can't deliver AdMail, if the person doesn't live there or if they whatever, you just destroy it. You take it back and destroy it. They don't resend it. If it's real mail, they take it back. But instead of destroying this free drink, I just put that into my pocket.

I don't even go to Starbucks. The only times I've went to Starbucks is to use these. And so the first ones I used. Oh, man. Ones! Yeah, yeah, yeah. But unfortunately, the last one I did like was for a person named

Fumitsu Meomatsu or whatever and I was like hey you don't know if I was adopted and then someone's like Ross that's a female's name

I was like oh oh take an easy go it's a female's name a Japanese female you should have

stood up waited outside Starbucks until you saw somebody that fit the profile. I'll split this free drink with you. The person knew what was going on.

The person knew. They probably just thought I was a male thief or something. Were you wearing your male uniform? Yeah, which I was. Oh, wow. A real peek behind the blue polyester curtain. Yeah. The thin cargo-painted line.

Yeah. Well, let's take a break for business. Let's do. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor.

You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take gotta sweep the floor You gotta clean your house, you gotta do some more Take care of beers in the house That music means it is time for business. Just one item on the agenda today. October 15th is Max Fun Day. We are trying to get as many brand new donors as possible to donate to MaximumFun.org and coming up on october 15th what will

you get you're gonna get a bonus episode of all of the max fun podcasts that you uh so love and cherish and uh there's gonna be google hangouts yeah now this is uh i've never been part of a google hangout uh i've always wanted to be. Yeah, you've never been invited. Yeah, every time that I try to join a Google circle, I feel like I'm standing just outside of it. But yeah, all the personalities from the shows are going to be on Google, hanging out in Google. We're driving to Google headquarters. We'll all be there, and we can all share a shandy.

Yep. And this is all because we're adding some members to the Maximum Fun family. And, of course, if you are a current donor, you will be getting the bonus material. This is just going to be, instead of the usual the usual two week max fun drive that happens in, uh, uh, March ish. Yeah.

This is like, uh, this is a blast. Yeah. One day thing. In fact, let's, let's not even talk about it anymore.

Uh, yeah. Let's talk about my flash mob that I'm working on. Um, so, uh, that's October 15th max fun day. Also,

if you would like to, to, uh, have a message in this business portion of the show, head over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Shall we move on to the Overheard? I'm glad to say yes. Overheard.

Now, Overheard is a segment in which a young man, a young woman... Wait, Graham. Yes. You can continue with overhearts. Oh, really? No celebrity birthdays? This week, I'd like to take a break from celebrity birthdays. I understand, because it's Because last week it was fumes.

And this week, I think that time could be better spent. We've got so many drunk dials built up, and we just haven't had time to get around to them because of all these dumb extra segments. I got you. You know, like this next one that you're about to announce. Dan, shut up, because you know what?

Some weeks Hulk Hogan taketh away, and some weeks Hulk Hogan giveth. And my Hulk cup runneth over, because this week pro wrestling icon Hulk Hogan.iveth. And my Hulk Cup run of the world. Because this week, pro wrestling icon Hulk Hogan. Wait a minute. Did you say the title of this segment? Oh, sorry. It's Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News? It's Hulk Hogan News.

Pro wrestling icon Hulk Hogan was in Fishkill, New York. Which, maybe it's pronounced something else, but it sounds better when you say Fishkill. Yeah. He was at an event called wrestling under the stars it sounds very romantic yeah um wrestling in the park he anyways he was there and uh he hung out and signed out autographs and uh took pictures with people for three and a half hours. Aw. Because he's that kind of dude.

Uh-huh. And the fans were very excited to finally get to meet the wrestling icon. Hogan appeared in the ring with Roddy Piper later on in the night. Two oldsters greasing bodies. Yeah. Under the stars. Yeah, exactly. Falling in love. Reaffirming their commitment to each other Renewing their vows

Were they Pals back in the day Or were they enemies? I feel like Roddy Piper was sort of a heel Yeah, like I think They went back and forth Yeah, they had a real back and forth He would say, hey, kilt face.

And he'd be like, hey, fish kill. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I think they fought at different. Did Roddy Piper leave his T-shirt on the whole time he wrestled? No, he would, I think. Oh, he'd take off the kilt too. Yeah.

Yeah, that was just sort of his. But I think he would just take off the shirt. There was nothing dramatic about it. I think it was just so that he could sell shirts that said Hot Rod. Right. Which had nothing else to do with, with like hot rod never was a catchphrase yeah it was a weird sort of aesthetic because it was uh his rowdiness uh his rottiness his routing has manifested itself in the wrestling his rottiness through the t-shirt and his piperness through the kilt yeah he never came out and played bagpipes or anything.

He really just, the kilt was it. He was Scottish from the waist down and dirtbag from the waist up. I mean, I guess. The t-shirt had flaming hot rod on it. Yeah, it just said hot rod. In flames. Yeah, yeah. But it's not like he ever drove a hot rod.

No. It was just this confluence of names. It was red and... I think it was flames, because it was red and yellow. So it might have been ketchup and mustard. Yeah, like the rod in question was a hot dog. A red hot. A rod hot. That was hulk hogan news all right now it

is time for celebrity no it's not time for overheard we'll do some uh drunk dials after that sounds fun yeah now uh we always ross you know yeah i like to start with the guests so you're ready i i am ready um like i might have, but the thing is, the second one I'm nervous about. I don't know. So I'm going to leave it up to you guys. The first one, I've been sitting on this for a while. I'm a fan of the show. I think this is funny.

What happened was I was on Granville Street, which is like a party street here. And I was there after a comedy show. I was not involved with the revelry. And I was going by a club-like circumstance. And a couple pushed out of the club, and they were heated. And the guy was like, he's like, bitch,

of course I've seen Avatar. It's about saving the world. Which is a little odd. Yeah. I mean, it's about saving that world. A world, yeah. Avatar. What was the name of that planet?

Unobtained planet? Oh, no, what was it? It was called Pandora. Yeah, you're right. Pangaea. It was a real Pangaea's box. Can I know you guys, like, wrap around. Can I just do the second one I'm nervous about a little bit?

It's because I ran it by our other roommate, Andrew, and he said it sounds a little make-believe, and I'm nervous to talk about it a little bit, but it's just an overseen. It's really quick. All right. What do I care? Go for it. Okay. Okay.

I'm just nervous because I saw an older white. Don't. Why are you nervous now? You haven't been nervous for the first 45 minutes. Yes, I'm nervous now. An older white guy. He's like sort of a coolish dude, and he's wearing a t-shirt that boldly said just it said 100% negro

on his shirt whoa was he no he's white tanned a little bit but I don't think that counts at all no yeah

what percentage is a tanned white guy yeah oh man zero probably still zero guys I believe it was Edward Said

who said black people drive a car like this yeah it's crazy that made me 100% uncomfortable yeah who said, black people drive a car like this. Yeah. It's crazy. That made me 100% uncomfortable. I'm sorry, everybody. It's fine.

You said he was an older white man? Yeah, he's like, say, in his 40s. Gross. He wasn't like 100 when he got that shirt, when it was still... Yeah, when that was the parlance. Yeah. And it's not like he was down and out, but he obviously wasn doing well it looked like a second hand he wasn't up and up this guy

anyways wow uh dave i had another overheard but i think i'll do the one that uh the one that brought you well i i was gonna do this other one but i heard today um and your overheard sort of reminded me of it. There was this homeless guy who sits outside the 7-Eleven near my work, and I was going into 7-Eleven today to use the cash machine and the candy. You were using one to buy the other. Yeah. And the homeless guy was in sort of uh a mood he was talking he like instead of just sitting there he had a lot to say sure and sort of uh offensive things to say

and he kept grabbing at his crotch and he was telling these two guys who were waiting at the corner just waiting for the light to change so they could walk away from him yeah sure he was talking about how he was using the word penis he said oh man something about how he has a big penis and his penis could knock them over and then i'd like to see that and then so i went but i found it strange that he didn't you know dirty up the terms he used the clinical yeah yeah he's a doctor and i also think the two guys were standing there, couldn't speak English, or they were doing a pretty good job. Yeah, they refused to acknowledge

his English. So I went into the 7-Eleven, and then as I was walking out, I made a concerted effort to immediately go in a direction where he couldn't talk to me. And as soon as I walked out, I heard him say,

What's up, dog? And I was like, that's weird. And I turned to my left and there was a black guy walking past. Oh, man. I was really hoping that there was going to be a dog. Oh, man. Yeah, so we're treading on rachel yeah this is uh yeah we really uh and as three white guys why shouldn't we i mean we've got enough privilege the viewing audience didn't know

as we're entitled to talk about right now yeah no it's true it's uh it's our birthright. My overheard comes courtesy of a couple on public transit that seemed to think that everybody else around them was, I don't know, throw pillows for their romantic conversation. They were talking so loud and to each other. But it was like how basically like in a sitcom when two people like enter a dance club and like all of a sudden there's no music in the background oh yeah you can hear that's what it was like it's like they thought everybody should just douse their conversation so they could talk talk their dumb talk and um i can't remember what the guy said that that brought on this comment by the girl but

she's like i know the last time i went to an art gallery i was standing outside looking at this painting and telling my friend how much i liked it and then i realized they were displays for an art class for five-year-olds and i wasn't in an art gallery at all i was in a community center yeah i was at the y um yeah so great couple yeah great observation look no one gets art it's not ours to get um no as white people it is oh yeah that's true right yeah come on we are things art make yourself known what if some guy named art walked in oh that would be fun um that would be a real big bang theory is that what they do i don't know they i think the big bang theory uh john crier really John Cryer really deserved his Emmy for whatever he does on that show. Yeah.

Fumpfer. Exacerbate. When Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother came out... Oh, see, I thought I would just put together two shows, because he's on a different show. John Cryer is on the third show. Two and a half months. Yeah. Yeah.

He's on a different show. John Cryer is on a third show. Two and a half months. Yeah. Yeah. When those shows came on the air, I remember thinking, oh, I'm sure I'll catch those in reruns, like in syndication. And I never have. Really? Not at all?

No. But, like, when they come on, you just turn the channel. That's why, right? Yeah, because there's other things. Turns out they invented other entertainment since then. Have you guys seen the video on YouTube of Big Bang Theory without the laugh track? Yes. That is amazing. Have you seen Gangnam Style without the laugh track?

Loved it. 14 million people. What? This is a real question. Is that a thing that everybody likes? That it's just everybody liked ironically and now it's become like a standoff.

Gangnam Style? Yeah, like people are refusing to back off. The viral video sensation that is Gangnam Style. Yeah. I don't think people like it, ironically. It is so enjoyable. There are so many parts of it that are unique and entertaining and eye-catching. So you're in the camp that is legit, people like it?

Yes. They actually like it. People actually like it, of course. But it's getting old. I mean, the lifespan of the internet. The guy, I think his name is Psy, P-S-Y. He's making appearances on TV shows. He's got nothing to say.

He signed a contract with Justin Bieber's... Manager. Yeah, like, he actually... But I was like... That was the point where I was like, don't people just like this as an internet video? Yeah, if Chocolate Rain... Yeah, like, does everything have to become another thing?

Can it just be chocolate rain? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe not. I think there's a lot to like about it. Okay, all right. He seems like he's enjoying himself. I don't have anything against him, but it seems like, what, this guy's going to put out a record now? There's going to be a whole...

Well, he's put out many records in Korea. This is his Mambo No. yeah oh man lubega where are you still cranking out records cranking out mambos numbered mambos new mambo style oh what if yeah now he's doing them for like uh uh you know, kids' names today. A little bit of... Missing kids. A little bit of Madison. A little bit of Apple.

A little bit of Aiden. Sure. We also, on the topic of overheards, we have overheards that were sent in by people via electronic mail. If you want to be one of those people, send it to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. If you want to be one of those people, send it to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. This first one comes from Rebecca S. from right here in Vancouver. Woo! Thank you.

I overheard this conversation between a customer and a pharmacist at a shopper's drug mart. Everything you want in a drugstore. Absolutely. Old spokesperson used to be B. Arthur. Really? Yep. Shopper's drug mart. Wow. Br spokesperson used to be B. Arthur. Really? Yep. Shopper's Drug Mart. Brought to you by B. Arthur. Customer. I started smoking to lose weight.

Now I've lost the weight. I want to know my options for helping me quit. Pharmacist. When did you start smoking? Customer. When I was five. To lose weight? Now that I've lost the weight? It seems to me you've gained a lot of weight since I was five. To lose weight? Yeah. Now that I've lost the weight? It seems to me you've gained a lot of weight since you were five.

What if the doctor was like, well, the only way to quit smoking is to gain weight? Yeah. I prescribe a smoked ham. Do you want to get bagged down to your five-year-old waist? We can place you in a giant pencil sharpener. I had to get rid of this baby fat. I was going for a lot of rolls. How old is this person, though? Because that means that it's someone younger.

And a very convincing fake ID. Yeah. Can you go to a pharmacy? Because they have a lot of stuff behind the counter that you can see. Can they prescribe stuff to you? Can you get Nicorette from the pharmacy? You don't need a prescription for Nicorette. But they don't... That's an over-the-counter.

Now it's just on shelves. Oh, really? Yeah, it used to be you would have to ask the pharmacist for it, but now it's just out there. So any jerk can go and just... Hey, yeah,

I just thought about that. Like a kid can just go buy nicotine gum and give it to his friend. Yeah, the ones who are in trouble who have a smoking addiction since five years old. No, but that would be in trouble who have a smoking addiction since five years old. No, but that would be, if I was a kid

and I had some money, I would go buy nicotine gum and then give it to my friends. Like, oh, do you want some gum? And then they would bite into it and be like, I feel weird. Oh, man. I think I'd like to try nicotine gum. It's very much

like regular gum now. It used to be like this weird, it was like a piece of leather. And now it's just like a gum. Beef jerky, now a gum. Yeah, it used to be like this weird, like it was off-white. But does it give you a crazy buzz? Imagine if it never smoked, imagine it would. I need to know.

Two in one. Yeah, no, absolutely absolutely especially if you don't smoke it's just putting like the amount like it would be like if you smoked a cigarette so just but straight to your bloodstream so yeah you get lightheaded and it makes your stomach hurt so bad oh man yeah give you lightheaded and then, you know, etc. Don't smoke kids. Yeah. Don't smoke kids. Yeah, they're addictive.

This next one comes from Rachel B. in Portland, Oregon. I was at the doctor's office the other day and overheard a woman making an excuse for why she was so late. She was a little out of breath and then she said, It was up until 2.30 a.m. with my ball python. I don't think he's going to make it. I don't know what a ball python is. It's a circular python. It's like a spherical python.

Usually they're long and smooth. A ball python is shaped like a ball, like a basketball with teeth. A fish and traveler just rolls everywhere it goes. Yeah, yeah. And they eat. Rarely gathers moths. They eat smaller balls and mice. It's not fun to watch them eat a mouse, though, because usually you can see the shape of the food. Yeah.

It's just like if you put a ball. You just hear that noise when it bounces. Yeah, you hear it rattling around. Yeah. I was up until 2 in the morning dunking my ball python i don't know if he's gonna make it to the hoop um now what in uh america state parlance uh ia is IA is Idaho? Iowa. Iowa. Iowa. I think ID is Idaho. Okay, so this is from a guy named Chris in Ames, Idaho. Iowa.

Iowa. Iowa. I owe you one more. Stop. I owe you one more. Stop. Writing in with an overseen was looking around at Target tonight, specifically at the Soda Stream, in case it hasn't made it to Canada yet. Soda Stream's here, right?

Yeah. It's where you pour water in it, and it turns it into carbonated water. Yeah. And you can put sugar in it and it makes soda. Yeah. You can make your own soda. You can put flavor. Yeah. You can put put sugar in it and it makes soda. Yeah, you can put flavor. Mad flavor in it. Some brand new flavor in your ear. Absolutely.

Anyways, the store seemed to have run out of Dr. Pete, their Dr. Pepper clone. Dr. Pete's pretty funny. And the good folks at Target had a perfect alternate plan, as shown by the enclosed photo. So it has a a sign up that says we're out of Dr. Pete. So it says, we are sold out of SodaStream Dr. Pete. Please substitute Sunbeam Rock Salt.

So I don't know what that means. I'm not sure like, I guess they're down on their own imitation brand. Oh, yeah. By the way, if you just put this terrible poison product in there. Yeah. Yeah. If you just drink bubbly salt water.

We are out of Dr. Pete. Please go fuck yourself. Please pour Robitussin in the machine. Yeah. Has anybody here had dr pete no my doctor's name is brad yeah would you drink a soda called dr brad oh would i he's a tall drinker so yeah spritz up is my favorite of the of the generic brands the old spritz up yeah spritz up's good what is that i think it's a

seven up and sprite mix up i think both work there oh yeah what's the um is there another doctor what is there's dr skipper oh dr really yeah okay i think that's the safeway brand yeah and uh dr octopus yeah i don't Enjoy pop enough to drink the bad stuff. No, although I remember you were, at one point you were able to buy like Royal Crown or that associated brand for a quarter at a machine. And that was pretty, even though like when you got it,

you're like, ooh, I want 15 cents. Yeah, at Superstore 15 cents yeah at superstore those president choice i couldn't believe the cans were yeah i think they were 45 cents so you put in 50 you get five cents back and you're like well thank you for that nickel yeah yeah you know it's yeah that's true it was like a strange thing would you drink uh a soda that just was called soda and you didn't know what flavor it was until you opened it. Comes in a silver can. That's a great prank. With Helvetica soda on it.

As you go into someone's canned section of their cupboard, and you take off all the things so that they don't know what your canned goods are. It's not so much a prank as a waste of food. Well, no. They get to decide, is this pineapples or is this beans? Yeah, and then they throw out... Yeah, seven or eight cans. It's not like a Top Chef challenge. Like, in lightness, you decide what you're going to make for dinner before you open the can.

Oh, no, that would be a great Top Chef, though, if it was just a bunch of cans that were unlabeled. I'm sure they've done that. If they haven't, Top Chef, hire us. Let's do it. Also, have you ever had a can of... What are you doing?

Really leaning into that. Dave's just finishing some ribs. You didn't know that Dave's been eating ribs this entire time. I had some and everybody lost it. Good cover, though. He's just finishing some ribs. You didn't know that Dave's been eating ribs this entire time. No, I didn't. I had some, but I lost it. Good cover, though. In addition to overheards that have been written in, we also accept phone calls.

If you want to be that type of person, get yourself a phone. Get yourself a phone plan or get a pay-as-you-go burner. Yeah, get a burner cell phone. Get a burner. Deal drugs. When somebody calls you on your shit, break the phone in half and throw it in the garbage. Or the ocean. Throw it in an ocean.

But not the closest ocean. Too obvious. Throw half of the phone in the closest ocean. 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is Greg from Omaha calling in an overheard. I was at the grocery store the other night, and there was a young boy and an older gentleman,

and they were looking at Pop-Tarts. And the old man asked, where are the grape ones? And the young man responded, man, they don't make grape Pop-Tarts. You're smoking crack, Grandpa. Stop smoking crack, Grandpa. That's not grape. It's purple stuff. Don't you watch any Sunny D commercials?

Do they not make grape Pop-Tarts? They should. Why not? Yeah, well, if you're going to make grape ones, why wouldn't you make raisin ones? Ew. What's the difference? That's your difference. Why wouldn't you make...

Dryness. Why wouldn't you make... Yeah. Raisin ones would be a lot less juicy. The only way you would make raisin ones is that you'd want a chocolate one, and then it'd be a raisin one, and then you'd throw it to the ground. Could you make a grape one and then ferment it and become a wine Pop-Tart? Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. The answer to. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. The answer to your question is yes, absolutely. Second follow-up question. Follow-up answer. You know how sometimes they bring in famous designers to design a line of pants or something? Would it be interesting to have famous chefs come in and design a line of Pop-Tarts? Yes, it would. Who would you be and design a line of Pop-Tarts? Yes, it would. Who would you be rooting for to design a Pop-Tart?

I mean, Mario Batali would do like a nice... It would be full of spaghetti sauce. Yeah, a nice marinara Pop-Tart. There aren't too many famous chefs who do fruit. What about Anthony Bortain who would have heroin in him? Fruit sort of does itself. Yeah, that's true. That's true. There's no famous... famous chefs who do fruit. What about Anthony Bourdain who would have heroin in it? Fruit sort of does itself. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. There's no famous... We take care of our own. Bruce Springsteen taught us that. Yeah, Paula Deen is like butter. Yeah, oh yeah, it would just be a butter tart. Yeah. It would just be a butter tart.

Pretty good. Yeah, I can't think of any... Oh, Rachel Ray. Yeah, she's not really a chef no what is she she's just like a pop-tart designer yeah sure like she's a qualified yeah um wolfgang puck would put some of his signature soup in there these are all so gross it would just leak into your toaster and burn it. Guy Fieri, not a chef either.

Oh, did you hear that the lead singer of Smash Mouth and Guy Fieri are writing a cookbook together? Have written. Don't they have the same hairdo? They do. They're the same guy. It's ever closer. Although the guy from Smash Mouth has surprisingly, despite creating

this disgusting cookbook, he's surprisingly lost a lot of weight smoking. Oh, man. Anyways, if anybody at the Pop-Tart Corporation is interested in our saucy tarts. Anyone at the Kellogg Corporation. Or anyone from the

Road to Wellville. I can't believe they still exist. I just want to say that. I can't believe they still exist. I just want to say that. I can't believe that Pop-Tarts still exist. They're better than ever. Good work, Alex. Going strong. What if that was the hidden ingredient in a Top Chef?

Growing up, I really liked the regular one, the strawberry with the white frosting and little sprinkly things on it. It's great. I remember seeing them on television and thinking they would probably taste delicious, and then having one and feeling like... I don't know. Feeling like it was...

Did you ever have a toaster strudel? That was in sort of like a flaky phyllo pastry. Is that the right term? It was filled with like apple, and it came with this... Oh, it came with like a goo. A goo. A icing sugar bag. Yeah, like, apple. Yeah. And it came with this... Oh, it came with, like, a goo. A goo. An icing sugar bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember the concept. Yeah, those were fine as well. They were frozen, so it was... So there was more, like, legitimacy to them? It was a time... Like a pizza pop. It was a hard thing to time, though, to not overcook, but also not have the middle still frozen. Could you cook a pizza pop

in a toaster hmm yeah yeah a toaster oven oh not no no no a toaster just like could you put two pizza pops innovative you're innovating yeah i don't see why not i don't see when they could you when they come up and then you put the icing sugar from the strudel next phone call hello dave graham and probable guest uh this is chase from bowling green ohio calling in with an overseen i work as a janitor for a company that will go unnamed and i was doing a little cleaning and i uh came upon a desk with a strange blue bottle sitting on it. And I go up to the blue bottle and I move it to start cleaning around it. And I notice it is empty.

It is about the size of an apple, maybe two apples, one stacked on top of the other. And the bottle is completely empty, but has one thing written on it. Viking Essentials. What? I subscribe to that magazine. Viking essentials. What a weird unit of measurement. Apples?

That's how the Smurfs are measured. Is that right? Aren't they three apples high or something? Maybe two apples high. And they were blue as well. Oh, this is odd. And they were conquerors. And they were Vikings.

Is that where he got that from then? No. The Two Apples High thing? No, I think when he said Two Apples High, I immediately thought of that virgin soda Pammy bottle. Is that not just like a pop bottle? Is that not just a soda can? Is that not Two Apples High?

Yeah, Two Apples High is... It's the easier measurement. Oh, yeah. Yeah. soda can is that not yeah two apples high is it's the easier measurement yeah oh yeah yeah isn't well you would say uh two apples high and two fiona apples wide yeah it's very skinny uh vikings essentials what are viking essentials an axe sure herring kit mustache yeah some sort of uh an oar because didn't they weren't they big roars definitely some sort of sheepskin

shawl throw shawl something mighty yeah a shield a dirty face a conquering horn hey we're conquering you

that's more of a conquering trumpet yeah there we go you gotta have some fear with it. Oh, yeah. No, it's not the review horn. That's for the celebration afterwards. Yeah, we did it, guys.

Pillaged. Finally. Hey, guys, it's Sharky in Boston. This is a, I guess, combination drunk style overheard. I'm walking back home from the bar right now, and there were two real Boston-y kind of guys with the accents I won't try to

do, having some kind of screaming arguments on the street, and all I heard was, dude, you're just pissed off because you don't even know your son. So I thought that was it. The person he was arguing with, Darth Vader. I'm sorry, I missed that. It was too...

Dude, you're pissed off because you don't even know your son. It was because it was Father Day and one of them got a rock paperweight painted like something. Yeah, and the other one got a paperweight painted with uh right like something yeah and the other one got a got a paperweight painted with just a question mark this came in the mail for you yeah from your son who knows you

but you don't know him you're my son is stalking me i just want to find my son That would be funny if that Give me back my son Oh man So these have been overheards That one was a bit drunk It was a little bit drunk Now we've got months and months of drunk dials That we haven't played For no particular reason Except for largely drunk dials

As the person who screens them Hard to listen to They're not good. And they are long, usually. Boy, can a drunk person talk for a long time. They can talk about their son. They can talk about Pop-Tarts

forever. So I don't really know which of these are good. I've labeled... Anyone that I've labeled labeled i've deemed pretty much good enough for the show okay but i don't know uh i don't know what we're gonna hear okay so let's play the drunk dials theme when i was a child didn't know what a phone was never tasted liquor either but one day when grew up Put two and two together

Drunk Dials Telling my girlfriend to start her period Drunk Dials Telling my friend he looks like a wolfman Drunk Dials Calling Future Shop and asking for Best Buy Drunk Dials Drunk Dials

It's a Drunk Dial News It's a Drunk Dial News Alright, here's the first Oh yeah and by the way the the we haven't done this in a while if you uh are ever drunk yeah right now but while you're listening to this program our phone number into your phone [phone] then when you are drunk instead of calling your ex and uh or your boss yeah and telling off your boss or your boss or your landlord or any of your major wrongs in your life

or your great mouse detective would he answer on the tiny little phone oh it would be adorable his number is just 2 instead of calling any of those bozos, call us and talk about whatever, I guess. Yeah, just ramble on. We'll find out.

Hey, Dave and Graham, it's Mike from New York calling with a drunk dial. Oh, man. It's also a sunstroke drunk dial. I should specify I called in

I played hooky from work today of the chill gang and I used another job which I promptly got and tomorrow I get to stick it to the man and tell my old boss that he can take this job and shove it

so instead of doing that I'm going to be real polite and I'm going to tell you guys that you can take this job and shove it. And after that, after I found out I got the job, I went to the beach and Jacob Reese Park in the Rockaways here in New York. And I met up with my friend Rachel and got too much sun and swam in the ocean a lot. It was fun. It's 45 more seconds.

Really? I'm going to stop it. Well, so he got a new job. He told us to shove it or stuff it. One of the two. He got drunk in Rockaway Beach. It's not hard to reach. That's what the Ramones taught us.

Sure, rock lobster. And then he got heat stroke and drunk stroke. Yeah. I think that joke peaked at the first five seconds when we found out he had sunstroke. Yeah, that's true. Okay, let's move on to the next. Okay, here we go. Hi, Dave and Graham of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

I just wanted to say that this is a drunk dial, and my name is Alex from New Brunswick, and no one ever says things to your guests. So, guests, you know what? I hope you're having a great time on the show. I am, thanks. Good job on the thing that you said that was probably funny. That was all right.

Good job. Dave, I'm coming for you. Great show, guys. Okay. Good night. That was very sweet. Oh, geez. Concise.

Yeah. That hardly sounded drunk at all. He just becomes lighter. Did we play that before? I feel like we may have played that. I don't think... I feel like New Brunswick, if anything, is very underrepresented

on this podcast. New Brunswickers will agree. Yeah. Well, thanks for that. That was nice. I loved that thing I said. Yeah, it was a good thing. About macing dogs. Note.

Alright. Let's do a couple more. Yeah, fun. Hey, stop podcasting yourself. It's Sam from Drunk Dial with Seattle. So drunk.

Oh, man. Need to dial someone. Thought I would take him grand. Cause they're the best. They're the best. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It's the same four notes. Oh, I feel like you guys got a theme song. Oh, man, that was so good. I'm kind of a big lyrics guy Yeah Well that was all lyrics

More than it was melody There was some heart there too That's some heart Okay These speak for themselves They really do, you're right That one sang for itself I guess one more?

Yeah, absolutely. Hey, guys. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Did you know what? Did you know?

Did you know? That you're awesome? That's right. Guys. That sounds like something you'd whisper to somebody you're in bed with. When you're so drunk. Oh, that's a good note to leave it on. That was great.

Is that it? That's amazing. That's the whole call. What? Like Dave said, if you want to... And they didn't even say they were drunk. I mean, I had to assume. Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is an overheard.

Yeah. 206-339-8328 That brings us to the End of this here show Now Ross If people want to find you online They want to learn How to become one that wronged you Yeah

It takes a lot It's pretty easy to wrong me. Yeah. Avoid Dave with the wrongings. But if you want serious advice on how to handle revenge, follow me on Twitter. Ross Douk. That's D-A-U-K. Yeah.

That's about it. You should change your name to Ross Da-U-K. With that sound? Okay. Yeah. I mean, if you're willing To become some sort of Club DJ Yeah

Or The UK Yeah If you're willing to become A United Kingdom Dave do you have anything Coming up? I don't know what I do

Check out Dave's New pasta restaurant Yeah It's my Mario Batali impression. I don't know how he sounds. Croc, croc, croc, croc. Yeah. Croc.

Because he wears crocs. Because he wears crocs. Yeah. Let's say, let's say no. Okay. Sure. You know what? Follow me on Twitter.

Yeah. Oh, my God. If you're not following What the fuck are you doing on Twitter? No, no, no, watch me Now I feel like I've been wrong And follow Graham on Twitter No

Stop it, you guys And also go check out Maximumfun.org Check out the blog Recap That's done each and every week by Dave. Put up photos and videos that relate to the goings on of the podcast. I can't imagine that there wouldn't be a photo of Mario Batali. Guys, there's only one thing on this and it's Lucy Liu a million times over.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Well, Lucy Liu and Lisa Ling. Yeah. Who's that? Vote for your favorite. Did we even say Lisa Ling? Yeah.

I don't think so. I think we were right the whole time. Okay. So check out MaximumFun.org. And remember, yeah, October 15th is a one-day only MaxFun day. And if you like the podcast, please tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Small Podcasts with yourself