Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 245 - Katie-Ellen Humphries

Episode Date: November 27, 2012

Katie-Ellen Humphries returns to talk about how people ask each other out on dates, Dave's mustache, and Magic Mike.

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And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 245 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who just spilled some piping hot coffee on his lap, Mr. Dave Shunka. Yeah, I'm gonna have a big lap scar. Yeah, lap scar. That's, uh, chicks love lap scars. Yeah. If you can get them close enough to check out your lap scars, you're in, like, uh...

Who's that guy who got burned really badly? Oh, Flynn. Okay, yeah. Oh, Flynn. Okay, yeah. And our guest today is a returning guest, an extremely funny lady who does the stand-up comedy and some writing stuff and just a personal fave. Oh. Miss Katie Ellen Humphries is here with us today.

Hey, fellas. Hey, lady. Thanks for joining us. My pleasure. Do you want to get to know us? Badly. Get to know us. So, Katie, what's going on?

What's new? Tell us all about it. All about it. Well, I've had a pretty stellar week. Yeah. Because a Saturday I went to a schoole-themed birthday party. Okay. Okay.

Let's slow it down for the rest of this. What is a birthday party? It was the birthday celebration of one shmoole Marmerstein. So the theme was shmoole. Okay. You're going backwards, but then further forwards that we are able to come back. You take two steps forward, we take two steps back. So the Old Testament. Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about the Bibble? Yep. Yep. Shmult. Shmult. Shlomil. Shlomot. He's a dear friend of mine, but more importantly...

His name is crazy. Yeah. More importantly, when I enter his name into my phone, it autocorrects it to Samuel, which is the Gentile version of his Hebrew name. Oh, right. Because my phone is a Holocaust denier. I thought it would autocorrect it to

Schmooze. Hey, we're going to go schmoozing. Yeah. Right, Schmooze? Schmoozing with Schmooze. Not bad. Okay, so that's a human being's name. Yes. Schmooze. Is it a Hebrew name? Yes. Yes. And his last name is?'s name. Yes. Shmuel. Is a Hebrew name? Yes. Yes. And his last name is? Marmisteen.

Marmisteen, which is- The story checks out. Yep. And it was his birthday, so you had a birthday where the theme was the guy whose birthday it was? Yeah, so his friends had made all these memes and then made t-shirts around them. So all week, I had been wearing, like, after shows, like, it's under a blazer, but I know it's there, a t-shirt that says, uh, Schmool Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.

Oh, that's fact? Yeah, and I feel great wearing it. Uh-huh. So I got that going. What else was Schmool themed about? Yeah, I want to know what other memes there were. Well, there were other t-shirts, uh, Schmool Schmool Summer. Uh-huh, as opposed to... Cruel Summer. Cruel Summer. Yeah, there were other t-shirts. Shmool, shmool summer. Uh-huh. As opposed to

cruel, cruel, cruel summer. Yeah, and then I'll be honest, there was another popular shirt that just said it's cool, it's shmool and I don't get that one. Yeah, I don't get it either. I get that those words make sense. Oh, is that from the song

Scooby Snacks by Fun Lovin' Criminals? What was it? There's a line where it says, everything's cool, everything's schmool. Ah, there we go. That's probably it. Must be. And then everybody had to wear...

Why did you have to wear them all week? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. You did not have to. I am explaining why my week has been better than an average week. Oh, I get it. Okay, all right. Because you've been wearing the same shirt all week.

I have a knot. Can you do that as a woman? Like wear a shirt more than one day in a row? I'll tell you what I can get away with because I work from home. So the clothes that I wear out to a show, I only wear like... You do stand-up comedy from home. I only wear real human clothes for a couple hours

into the day. Do you wear animal clothes? Yeah. Do you wear a thunder shirt? I could be not wearing clothes. No one would know. That's true. You'd know, though. And wouldn't you sign off your emails,

nudely yours? Warmly, but not too warmly, because I'm nude. I'm freezing up in here. Bit of a draft. Okay. So... Sitting on a towel.

You only have a couple hours where you're in these clothes, so they- Sitting on a towel. You only have a couple hours where you're in these clothes so they can get recycled. They're back in the cycle sooner maybe than an eight or nine hour wear. Yeah, I think so. Is this what we're saying? I think women in general, though, can wear- I think a woman can wear a shirt three days for every guy's one. That's- Yeah, I think that's about right.

And also, you don't need to shower as often as a man. No. Congrats. Yeah. Women have it easy. Boy, oh boy. The more I think about it, the more I hate it. Anyways, girls rule the world.

Yeah. Beyonce. Uh-huh. Yeah, I've heard that. Girls rule, boys drool. How was the Shmuel-themed Shmuel party? Yeah, what did Shmuel do? Did Shmuel appreciate it? He did, yeah. That's party. Yeah, what did Shmuel do? Did Shmuel appreciate it?

He did, yeah. That's nice. Yeah, I was pretty surprised. Was there a pool at this party? So you went to, was it a surprise party? The party, not a surprise. The t-shirts, surprise. Fun.

Yeah. Yeah. And then what else? What else is going on? Now, outside of that one social thing. T-shirts. Surprise. Fun. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Pretty good. And then what else? What else is going on? Now, outside of that one social thing. It was great. I did. Which was great. And I got a cool T-shirt out of it.

Yeah. And four minutes of material. Right. Outside of that, as of late, the only thing that I do besides stand-up shows is various forms of working out. Oh. Like, I have a new thing in my life is that a gentleman will ask me out on dates. That's never happened before.

And I have recently, I have canceled more than four dates to just be like, can I go for a run or something. Wow. You've had, wait. It's a problem. Recently you've had four dates. It's a new, that is a, yeah, it's a new phenomenon. How new is the phenomenon? Yeah. You're a pretty lady.

Yeah. You've had funny, you've had men in your life. Yeah. You've had men in Jadis. Um, uh, yeah. I mean, I mean, I've had like, I've had one man in my life. But now it feels like the, like, it's like. But now it feels like men are just waking up. They're getting the news.

I don't know. It is something that is completely new for me. And it's terrifying. And I don't like it. How are they doing it? I'm curious about this. How does a man ask out a lady? Are these strangers or are these people?

It has been. Wow. It's very bizarre. Like, strangers are coming up to you. Exchanging glances. They're not in your house because you work from home. Not in my house. So these are not a plumber coming in and saying, hey.

Not the UPS guy. Hey, it's quite a stained t-shirt you got there. Yeah, who's this schmool guy everybody's talking about? So you, these guys are coming up to you. They're introducing themselves. Are they like, hey, can I buy you a drink type of guys? Or how does this work? Dave and I are both clueless.

Listen, as am I. Every time it happens, I'm fascinated. And each time, like I get, the reason they even get my phone numbers i'm like well that was uh i don't know that was i guess how this is how this happens they say i need somebody to be my emergency contact i would i'm a great emergency contact yeah Yeah, exactly. I'm always available. Absolutely. I have a car. Reliable. Oh. Smart, on the ball, trustworthy. I can't imagine having, especially in this day and age, do they call you?

No. Or is it mostly, do you say- Thankfully, mostly text. Can you just text me, please? Yeah. Oh, wow. I don't know what I would do if they phoned. Oh, that would be a deal breaker.

What do you want to talk? That phone ring. Gross. Oh, that would be a deal breaker. What do you want to talk? Gross. And then when they meet you, do you get picked up? Physically? No, no. Do you meet them for something or do they pick you up at your place? Oh, no.

I've never had that. Okay. I'm wondering if the new... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember people used to say, hey, don't honk the horn. Go in and meet the girl and escort her from her door. I wonder if now it's just texting, I'm here. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. I don't know.

I haven't, I mean, I'm not. Okay, so give us an example of how you get, of how a man would approach a Katie Ellen Humphrey. Okay, so I was walking to a show not so long ago, just along 2nd Avenue, and a gentleman just stopped me. In the street? On the sidewalk. Was he in a car? I ain't no hollaback girl. I ain't no hollaback girl.

Now, I was initially put out because I was listening to my headphones, which I feel is a pretty solid sign for like, don't. Yeah, do not approach. Also, we live in a city where if anyone tries to talk to you, you know that they're going to try to get money from you. Yeah. Yeah, at the very least, I assume this person needed the time. Okay. Oh, that's not a bad thing. Or directions. Yeah, but it totally threw me because he like said something and i took out my earphones and then he just asked me like how my

night was and i was like that's uh that's brisk yeah same way i like my iced tea yeah and uh yeah and then he yeah he just chatted to me chatted at me chatted at me and then and then he did ask if i was single and i i'd never i don't know that i've ever been asked so i was thrown because i didn't want to say yes but i also it's not untrue i guess although it's like i wish there was like a way how in real life you could just like on your Facebook profile, just like not have that as an option. Yeah. Because I'm like, I don't feel like I'm single really represents me. Because I'm like, I'm not ready to mingle. That's for sure.

Well, maybe people should just ask that. But I am also not like attached. So it's like, I mean, I guess. Is there a thing on Facebook where you can just put none of your business? Oh, yeah. Or, like, you know, is there a sassy rejoiner where you just say, like, somebody says, are you single? Then you say, like, hey, fuck off, man. But something more clever.

Sassy. Yeah. You know, like, something that would still, like still like You know leave it open for discussion Yeah yeah yeah Who's asking That's one of my favorites So you told him I guess I'm single Kind of I'm sure I mumbled

I don't know Look I don't have a ring on my finger I mean I do but it's not a wedding ring I have several rings I got them from Yeah. I mean, I do, but it's not a wedding ring. It's just a ring I have. I have several rings. I got them from the Nanar Republic. Right.

I mean, I'm alone because that is my preferred state of being. Now that, to me, that seems like a thing that doesn't happen ever in this city where a guy would go up

and approach a lady. Because a couple weeks ago I was talking about how I went up to a lady on the street and just told her that she had a very nice dress. How would you feel if someone did that to you?

If you were wearing a nice dress and if somebody came up and just said, dress looks very nice on you, and that's it. Yeah. For me, I think that stuff is great. Okay. I think any kind of positive stuff like that, why not? You're not being a creep. Well, maybe, but it depends if you're not being a creep no well maybe but yeah it depends if you're a creep yeah i guess so i love also i love any kind of passing interaction

oh where you don't have to break your stride well you're never gonna hold me down but i liked being cashier for that reason like i liked interacting with people for like one to two minutes tops goodbye and then they're gone and you don't have to like yeah yeah that's true you have an automatic out i work here yeah yeah here's your receipt yeah it's so this uh is that how it happened because you said there's like right so this but this so this first gentleman i gave him my phone number based entirely upon the fact of like, well, this doesn't happen. And he was so appropriate. And he never like, he didn't even, he didn't say anything about my appearance or anything

weird. And I was like, well, I don't want to spend time with you because you're a human. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But, but I also, I want you to keep doing this because it's nice and you should. And you will meet a nice Galsom. You want him to keep doing it to other people. Yeah.

I see. You want to encourage that kind of behavior, but you have enough people in your life. Which there's almost no people. Yeah. I don't need to program another phone number into my phone ever. What, am I going to get a cell phone plan that's not my five? Yeah, my five. So you

said, here's the number. He texted you. You said, you have the wrong phone number. This is the folly of my plan. I get excited, or I'm like, I'm so happy at any human like, people trying to do that kind of

thing, that i want like yeah definitely i want to encourage it and then even though i don't you end up marrying him yeah weird social obligation yeah it's the right thing to do yeah to do otherwise would be rude i spent we did go two times and i spent the whole time both of them looking for reasons not i'm like he's got i mean there's got. He's got a reason not to see him. He's gonna do something terrible, right? And did he? No. No. Was he swell? Yeah.

Oh, well, this sounds great. Did you lose a guy in ten days? Oh, yeah. I still don't. Don't worry. It's done. I cut it off. Because I kept canceling on him to do things like go to yoga. And then I'm like, I'm so busy. You have to really want to not do something if the option is yoga.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. I'd rather discover inner nothingness. Yeah. I have some really bad tattoos to look at. Yeah. I'm going to go clean up some remains. Oh, man.

So you cancel four dates with one guy? No, no. Four dates with four guys? It's happening. How brief of a window has this been that men are approaching you? Months? Weeks? Yeah, I feel like it's been, I mean, tops

the last, like, six months? Maybe? Do you think you're putting out a vibe? Like, subconsciously? Because because consciously you hate it i hate it i'm the worst i feel terrible and then all i know like oh i've done that awful thing where i'm like well at least i got like two jokes out of that date that's all at least from that really nice thing that human being did trying to connect with a partner i was like i'm glad that interaction was worth it oh my god i'm so terrible but i also love the jokes yeah of course well don't stop yeah yeah you gotta keep you gotta keep playing the field if it hey is there a baseball analogy is playing

the field the baseball analogy yeah you play in the field absolutely but just well that's where you play it but you never score from the Yeah, and balls just get shot at you. Bad analogy. Yeah. For strangers coming up to you on the street. Playing the field. Is that possibly what that means? Could it be a different...

Has it to do with cow tipping? Yeah, yeah. Oh, like we're playing in a field. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know nothing about no play in the field. Yeah, about baseball. This is like my favorite movie, Field of Suitors.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, put on a nice dress and they'll come. Yes. And your dad comes out of the corn. Anyway. He's so proud of me. So what if it's one of those things where it's like the secret where like you put out a thought into the universe but the universe misheard what it was and uh or misunderstood what you were asking for and now it's giving you like in abundance things that you're like this is not does your vision board

just have nice men on it yeah these are the guys i'd like to see around yeah um yeah something like that is that possible because Because what has changed? If you say it's just all of a sudden out of nowhere The season's changed But not where a young man's fancy turns to luck No Have any of the dates been a disaster? I don't look good I don't even been on very many

I do look good Oh, I was going to say in a toque I didn't finish because we got in a fog No, you do, you look good Well, I look better than I ever have That's part of it. Yeah. But I used to look really poorly.

Okay. Has any of the dates been a disaster? As I was asking before, you cut yourself off by saying you look really good. Guys, podcast listeners, I look good. She does look good. There's no question about it. Come on.

listeners. I look good. She does look good. There's no question about it. Come on. If anything, she does not want to use this podcast to encourage more Sooners. Again, have any of the dates been a disaster?

No, but I haven't got that many. I've been a disaster on them. You've mostly been avoiding the dates. Yeah, but I'm mostly avoiding all things. How have you been a disaster on the dates? It's very much like I'm being right now. Oh, I think that's what everyone is like on dates. Especially like first dates.

They're like, am I talking enough? You're so terrible. Why do people date? I don't know why they're hoping man it's about hope i guess so it's about playing that goddamn field sowing seeds i don't know um well like what do you do like see that's the thing what do you do on a date you don't take somebody to a movie. I know that. If I've seen enough episodes of Blind Date, you put on those sumo suits. Yeah. You go learn karate.

Yeah. And then one of the people takes it a little too seriously and the other one gets hurt. Yeah. And then you go hang gliding or you go parasailing or something like that. Then you get drunk. You get drunk and you get in a hot tub. Therapist Joe says. I have been really disappointed in the lack of hot tubs.

Well, that's on you. Yeah. You're working out so much. Why don't you go to the gym? There's probably a hot tub there. Go take your date. Take my date to the ladies' steam room. Yeah.

So what do you do? Is this like you go for coffee? You go to a bar? Yeah, I guess walking oh you hate it oh my god we went bowling really that sounds fun i guess bowling is more fun than you give it credit you know what no i don't think so you don't like bowling here's the thing about bowling bowling's fun for like three frames and then usually when you go bowl i've been with like one other person usually it's a group and you now you're socializing

you're hanging out with your friends you start talking to someone and then someone's like Kate, Kate, Katie it's your turn it's your turn and you're like

I just did this how could it be my turn again I feel the opposite I wish it was always my turn I want to bowl I want to go by myself yeah just go you can

solo bowl I know I can live your life oh wow that's something i should do yeah you could do that yeah i like i like everything about it i like exchanging shoes i don't like exchanging pleasantries you like the black light you like uh yeah i go disco bowling by myself hits of the early 2000s listening to some soul decision i like the idea that you go to

regular bowling because the hours are more suitable for you, but you bring an iPod and you solo disco. Oh, and I dress in like crazy clothes. Yeah. Glow sticks. Yeah. Oh, this white shirt is going to be crazy under the black light. Yeah, wait until you see all the lint on this thing.

Yeah. That's all it is. It's like, huh, that guy's teeth don't look as white as everyone else's. That's all it is. It's like, huh, that guy's teeth don't look as white as everyone else's. I feel like I really want to stress that when I say I've been asked out a lot, I mean for me. Not like I've been getting more male attention than I ever have. But that's still, it's not.

Do you ever get, have you been asked out? I'm not a showstopper, ladies and gentlemen. Why are you trying to downplay so much? Because I'm super, because. This is so foreign to me. Well, Dave's married. Did you know that? Yeah. He doesn't date at all.

I've been with my wife since I was 19, so I've never had crazy 20s or anything. I don't know how anyone meets in their 20s. Oh, it's like friends mostly. I was single until I was 25, and I didn't have a crazy 20s. Right. No. You didn't have a roaring 20s? No. But the whole thing fascinates me, how people put themselves out there. You're just setting yourself up for such a humiliating embarrassment.

Yeah, absolutely. That's why there's Christian mingle. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, absolutely. So that's why there's Christian mingle. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And I have to tell, you have siblings? What do you do? Do you ever just lie just for your own amusement? Yeah.

That's not the worst. Because I'm not not lying. Because I'm also not really giving them the straight. I don't really want them to get to know me. I went to a play recently called Blind Date, and it was, did you see this? Yeah, I know what it is, yeah. And it is a 90-minute improvised date. With somebody from the crowd.

Yeah, a gal, she pulls a gentleman from the audience, and they do 90 minutes. Is she the only person in it? She pulls a gentleman from the audience and they do nine minutes. Is she the only person in it? There's two kind of helper cast members that come in once in a while for like, I don't know, comic relief or whatever to bring them a glass of wine. Because the rest of the show is a nightmare. Because you are watching someone have excruciating first date conversation. And you're like, you should take a date to that play.

Oh, yeah. And then just leave at intermission. Try to fix him up with the lead. Yeah. She's a French clown. He goes back to his seat. What's the deepest question you've been asked on a first date? Oh, brother.

I don't like religion stuff or like what happens to you after you die? Politics. No, mostly people want to talk about. Like religion stuff or like what happens to you after you die? Politics? No, mostly people want to talk about comedy. Do people meet you knowing you're a comedian generally? Excuse me, comedian. Thank you. I typically, because that is the few, that's when I'm outside of my home or the gym. Is at a show or on my way to a show or coming home from a show.

But that guy that met you on the street, he didn't know. He just thought you were a beautiful flower. Well, that's why he stopped me because of my flower-like qualities. But then he said, what are you doing tonight? I'm like, I'm going to that place to do a comedy show. Yeah. I'm going there to tell a grown-up. Yeah.

I'm looking for a block parent. Oh, man. Oh, he's such a wonderful person. I'm terrible. No, you got the goods, Katie Allen. That's what it is. You got the goods. Just keep getting them jokes.

Yeah. You're right. Exactly. Harvest them jokes. Chase that paper um and uh one day you'll end up on that that hot tub date i guarantee yeah just head over to uh just ladies fitness what if a guy showed up wearing swim trunks instead of underwear in the hopes that he would end up in a hot tub would that guy be the greatest guy yeah yeah he seems like he'd be the greatest guy i wouldn't dismiss someone for that yeah because it's not like he's trying to to get laid no he just wants

he's just hoping yeah he's hoping to go into a hot tub it's not like oh i didn't bring any protection i'm not having sex with you tonight yeah i but he did bring i did bring swim trunks in the hopes that we would play water polo it would would be kind of a fun reveal if he's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And then he comes back and one of the strings is sticking out of his pants. And then you're like, what's going on? He's like, okay, confession time. But I would be like, you didn't do laundry. Oh, no.

But in this scenario, this guy owns a laundromat. So he always does laundry. And his name's Marco Polo. Yeah. Every time you say his first name, he screams his last name. Oh, lordy. So Katie Allen's on fire. She's out in the world.

Absolutely. Look me up, fella. Dave. Yeah? How many people have asked you out on dates? Oh, none. What? I, fella. Dave. Yeah? How many people have asked you out on dates? Oh, none. What?

I don't think so. I'm really bad at reading signals. I have a bit of the autism. I have a touch of the autism. That's catchy. Yeah. Here's what's going on with me. I've got this thing called a mustache sort of on my face.

Yeah. For Movember. Now Movember, if you would like to support me in my mustachery, head over to Movember.com and look up my name. Also support your local mustachery. Yeah, absolutely. But in past years, I've seen guys doing Movember, and I like the name of the campaign, even though I don't spell mustache with an O.

I don't like the look of that. I like it just M-U. Mustache. Yeah. In past years, I've seen so many people in the city with these bad mustaches that eventually start to fill out around the 25th. Yeah. That's true. It's like Movember Christmas. But this year, I haven't seen very many.

And then I feel a bit bitter. I feel like it's a prank being played on me. Like this whole movement has just been one year, Dave's going to grow a mustache and everybody else don't participate. And it's just at the point now where you can sort of see it. Yeah, I can see it. Most days. In the right light. Yeah, and if I catch myself in the mirror, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm doing that, aren't I?

Yeah. And then I forget I have it at all times. But I don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it and its presence on your face. Yeah. Have you seen a lot of people with mustaches? It does. I have also felt that this year seemed like not as popular as in years previous.

Yeah. I feel like I remember last year or maybe the year before, a lot of news anchors were having them. Oh, really? There was a lot of people on television, and it was like that scene in the original Batman where all the cosmetics have been taken away because the Joker's poisoned them all, and all the newscasters look like shit.

That's what it looked like for a month. It looked like people forgot to shave. I don't think I even remember that gag. Oh, it's a good one to shave. I don't think I even remember that gag. Oh, it's... It's a good one. It's a pretty good gag. Yeah. But, yeah, like, his...

There was a guy, I guess a sports guy, and his never came in. But it always looked... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always looked terrible. Yeah, it's... I feel like I have a bit of a vote for Pedro in my... On my upper lip. You should be confident in that.

I like it. Yeah, I think it looks good. It's fine. It's going to be fine. I think I'm over the hump. But I don't... I also respect that you're not going to grow a full beard, shave, and no mustache route. I don't care for that. Yeah, I agree. I think that is cheating.

I think the point of getting people to donate to your mustache is that you are suffering with this terrible caterpillar on your upper lip. And my beard grows in red, so it's like... It's very Viking-ish. It takes a while. It's disconcerting what's on my face right now. But I'm powering through it. It's just been ruining my life for the last couple of weeks.

But it's for a good cause. It is for a good cause. And that's the important thing. Absolutely. Have you ever dated a man? Has a man with a mustache ever asked you out? Oh, gentlemen with mustaches, come on. To the front of the line.

Get on board. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. I love it. I love it a lot. That's not happened to me yet uh my my brother just shaved a mustache because he like it kind of grew in and he's like but he wasn't doing movember and he he visited last weekend and he was sue he was super sad all

weekend after he shaved and up and he like come to the road he was like it's sad but like i'm the kind of guy that looks better as a creep. Yeah. Like, you do. Some people do. That's fine. Yeah. I'm always encouraging him to grow back.

Much to his girlfriend's chagrin. Why? What's wrong with his girlfriend? Doesn't she get it? Australian. Well, that is a problem. But I think it's not a problem that she prefers a shaved mustache. A shaved mustache? Yeah. that's a drink you buy at an australian bar that's not a shaved mustache

yeah give me a shaved mustache mate yeah australia um yeah i don't i i really have nothing else no it's interesting uh because i just think about like when i was growing up what types of people in my life had mustaches and they were all you know like men over 40 that were kind of like authority figures or goats yeah yeah or celics those were the three categories but i i was never around when mustache was originally a cool yeah i lived through the whole phase where like a mustache was something only an old man had yeah and now it's like kids have must or like a 20 year old has a mustache and that's a legitimate so it's very strange for me to my it's like my uh internal programming won't allow you know what i mean who was the last president with a mustache teddy roosevelt yeah probably hitler they say the

president that uh there was a statistician who said uh there will never again, ever since when women started voting, that was the last time anybody with facial hair ever got into office. Oh, wow. And they were like, it will never, ever happen ever again. There will never be a president with facial hair. What about a bearded lady? Yeah, bearded lady, absolutely. A crazy monobrow?

Check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sideburns. Big, bushy sideburns. On a lady. Yeah, bearded lady, absolutely. A crazy monobrow? Check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sideburns. Big, bushy sideburns. On a lady. Yeah. Or the kind that are kind of shaved into a point. Like an evil beard.

No, like a rockabilly guy. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'll happen. The president of, you know, Stray Cats. Stand-up bass know Stray Cats I can't think of a place where Stray Cats would go they play Zoot Suit Riot whenever he walks in the door

instead of here comes the president I've also heard that about Balds Balds can't get elected uh yeah i guess there hasn't been a bald president since like uh eisenhower yeah probably i yeah, it's... Ever since television, yeah, he had to have full head of hair. That's non-negotiable. We almost had a bald prime minister.

Yeah, well, not almost, but... And he had a mustache. And he had a mustache, yeah. Smashing through to the other side. That's Canada. Anyway, so these have been my struggles with a mustache you're doing great thank you for hearing me out what have you been up to um i went to toronto ontario canada oh for the debaters yeah and uh now that is a show for the new listener that graham it's a radio show

on cbc radio one in canada that I sometimes work for. For whom? For whom I sometimes work. And I, it was one of those trips where you don't see anything. You go to the place and you just work. And then, you know, as much as I saw Toronto was driving into Toronto, then driving out of Toronto. That's how Rihanna feels. Yeah, absolutely. That's how all these rock stars and pop stars who write these songs about alienation on the road.

Sure. Was I just in Rome? Who knows? Yeah, yeah. Who knows? Who cares? A new city every night. A new woman every night.

Yeah, absolutely. In my case, no women. But really nice hotel room. At first, where I was like, oh, this is too nice. Hot tub? The hotel hot tub? Yeah, absolutely. Two hot tubs, which was too much.

Too much for one man to use. You could stand with a foot in each hot tub. Make two different kinds of tea. Which is where you invented jacuzzi shoes. Oh, yeah. This one's got more of a pulse. This one's just got straight jets yeah because not every person is the same so especially not even every foot is the same oh

not even close so you know a lot of airport stuff a lot of airplane shenanigans uh i got stuck next to a real chatty kathy and we're on the runway for two hours before we left. She started telling me about her vacation. And I was like, well, I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know. Oh, out of the conversation? Yeah, because I'm pinned against, you know, I'm at the window seat. And she was telling me.

And then before I know it, she's got her iPad out. I'm looking at photos. I'm looking at photos and videos of this lady. It was crazy. But then I could tell the subtext of her telling me this was that everybody in her life was absolutely uninterested in her trip. Right. Because she would say, I tried to tell my roommate. I asked my sister or whatever.

And it was like, oh, everybody thinks you're dark. It's not subtext. It's just straight up telling you. Nobody thinks this is interesting's not subtext. It's just straight up telling you. Nobody thinks this is interesting. It's text. She's just oblivious to it. She had that subtext in her own brain. So, yeah, she just, like, really just the whole...

And that's the thing, too. Like, for all intents and purposes, I could have been a murderer. You look like one. Yeah, she. Like, for all intents and purposes, I could have been a murderer. You look like one. Yeah, she never asked, do you murder? Have you murdered? Yeah. What's the most dangerous game? So, you know, telling me where she's staying in Vancouver, showing me pictures of family and friends, you know, just details.

Tells me where she works. Tells you a good way to get away with her murder yeah absolutely she's like i keep the rubber gloves in the hallway yeah uh but yeah so anyways there was no way out of it and so eventually i just uh i just started a movie no on the and i just put my earphones in. I just took the one breath that she kind of gave me. And I just watched Magic Mike. That was my out.

I was like, I'm going to watch Magic Mike. Is that the one with the female MMA fighter? Yeah, yeah. Magic Michelle is the full title. So, that was most of the trip was that. And then the rest of the time I was at the big CBC building in Toronto where I saw live and in person Peter Mansbridge talking on a cell phone. And it was just the greatest.

Because seeing him is one thing, but hearing him in person. You think he was getting a scoop? I was just talking about you know, I'm going to pick up this thing, drop off this thing, and it was a drug deal. Just going to pick up this briefcase, exchange it for this briefcase. He's a bald. Yeah, absolutely. And he grew

a Movember last year and it looked hysterical. Oh yeah, because he's a blonde bald. Yeah, yeah. And he was for... He was forever a combed over. Yeah, he's... For anyone who doesn't know who we're talking about, he's Canada's

national anchor. News anchor. Yeah, yeah. Like Brian Williams or even higher. Kind of like an elder statesman kind of guy. Anyway, so I got to see him live and in person. That was pretty great. And that's it, you know? That's it.

Then I flew back and met this lady who went to India. What? Well, that was her vacation. I was about to be like, well, that is way more interesting than wherever this other broad went. No, no. You mentioned she took out her iPad and started showing you pictures. Yeah, yeah.

I ordered sushi the other day, and I was waiting to pick it up, and they were making it, and I was just standing right by the counter, or sitting right by the counter while more customers were coming in, and one customer knew the sushi chef, and it was like an old lady, and she knew the chef, and she said, Eric, how have you been? And the guy was not interested. He was like, good. Yeah. Oh, and how's your wife been?

Same. Look, we had an affair. I get it. Stop throwing it in my face. How's the new baby? Same. Getting any sleep? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, do you have a picture? And so he's making sushi yeah yeah and he takes his iphone out of his pocket and uh shows it to the lady uh shows a picture and she looks at it and gives it back he puts it back in his pocket he doesn't wash his hands oh that's that's a gross thing that'sgregious. Yeah. Your iPhone is a thing you put up to your gross ear and mouth. Yeah, yeah. And your fingers. Your face and pocket.

Yeah. And you never wash your iPhone. Ever. No. It's never been sanitized since point of purchase. You don't wipe it down. You just sort of spread the grease evenly. Yeah, on your pants.

Yeah. On the butt of your pants. So it's not... So I was like... Kept an eagle eye on this guy to make sure he wasn't making my sushi. Yeah. Did he? No. Poppy's getting a little sloppy. But I didn't know how...

I don't know how I would have... What I would have done in that situation. I would have still eaten it. I wouldn't have. Well, no, I would have. I don't care. I would have gotten carrot stuff. Or whatever. Oh, yeah. That was the other thing. Because would have. I don't care. I would have gotten carrot stuff. I've got to build antibodies or whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was the other thing.

Because I did. I started watching Magic Mike to get away from this lady. And then I felt like, I've got to keep the movie train going for this whole flight. Oh, yeah. So Magic Mike, lots of sexy dancing men shirtless all the time. Channing Tatum. Matthew McConaughey. Matt Bomer.

Yeah. The guy from CSI, the David Caruso. Yeah. No, the guy that with the cane. Horatio Cain. Yeah.

So I watched that and then I thought, and she kept looking over at my screen. So every time she looked over the screen, there was like a stripper thing or whatever. And so I thought I'll i'll purposely i'll watch a movie that i think will have the opposite of that so i watched this movie canadian movie called take this waltz uh which had more nudity than uh magic mike oh really yeah it was uh um but it was gross canadian nudity no it was gross Canadian nudity. No, it was fine. Oh, it's the Michelle Williams Seth Rogen?

Yeah, Sarah Silverman's naked in it. Michelle Williams naked in it. And there's this one gigantic sex scene that the lady only looked over when there was a sex scene. Did you look right back at her? Yeah, and I said, next year in India.

So yeah, I watched that and then i watched another movie where she looked over during the only sex yeah yeah well i think it was the lorax speaking of november i think in other places they call it no shave november which i think it's just because no one else spells mustache with an O. Oh, yeah. Okay. No Shave November. And then it's Do It Up December. Yeah.

And Jump Rope January. Shave It Off January. So, yeah, that's everything. I guess maybe we move on to some business. Yeah. Stop podcasting yourself. We'll be right back. So stick around.

Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house.

You gotta do some more. Take care of beers now. That music means it is time for a bit of business. Business! And we would like to let you know that support for Stop Podcasting Yourself comes from Audible.com,

provider of digital audiobooks and more, with more than 100,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature, including fiction, nonfiction, and periodicals. Now, based on today's episode with Katie Ellen, do you have any recommendations?

Well, we were talking earlier about how uh dudes be hitting on katie ellen they'll be coming up to her on the street they know the bars and where do they learn those tricks probably from the game penetrating the secret society of pickup artists by neil strauss and that is available if you head over to audible podcast.com spy you'll get a 30-day free trial membership you'll hear the game narrated by neil struss yeah not narrated by the rapper yeah the soundtrack is provided by the game yeah and it's this is the abridged version yeah so if you uh cannot wait to get uh get your knee deep and tang come on uh is that what you do, or do you do Elbows Deep? Yay!

This is a commercial. I know, we're just having fun. They have all the game books. Hunger Games, Game of Thrones, Patriot Games. Oh, yeah, yeah. Patriot Games, not a bad starter conversation. We're trying to pick a lady. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who's your favorite Tom Clancy book?

Who's your favorite tom clancy who's your favorite jack ryan um so uh if you want that three uh 30-day trial membership audiblepodcast.com slash spy also another thing i would like to plug uh recently i was on the podcast doug loves movies uh alongside big irish jay Jay Hollingsworth and Harland Williams. And you got one inch punched in the dick, right? Again. Why is this gross? I don't know. Head over to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Loves Movies.

Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of MaximumFun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, MaxFunCon West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to Max Fun Con before, get ready to reunite with your old friends.

And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at maxfuncon.com. So act fast. Max Fun Con pretty much always sells out. We don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to maxfuncon.com. Overheard. Overheards.

If you are new to the show, this segment kind of, you know, speaks for itself. Things that you've overheard. And that's what I like so much about it, Graham. Yeah. Is that it speaks for itself. It acts for itself. It does its own stunts. The thing about Overheard. Dave, may I interrupt you? Only if you tell me to shut up. Okay, Dave, shut up. Okay.

It's time for just a very quick brief glimpse into the world of pro wrestling superstar hulk hogan oh it's a hulk hogan news it's a hulk hogan news um now this week we actually have uh someone else has sent in a uh a remix oh yeah right um it's great yeah well well let's play that one right now it's time for my favorite segment hulk hogan news brother graham shut up. Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News.

It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News. Take it. It's Hulk Hogan News. It's Hulk Hogan News.

Remix. Brother. Each and every week, I report on what Hulk Hogan is up to in the world. Thank you, Noah J. Yes, that was fantastic. And if you would like to send in a Hulk Hogan theme song, here is the piece of music that you need to steal from. It's a Hulk Hogan news.

It's a Hulk Hogan news. There you go. Even clean, right? This week in Hulk Hogan news, it's been a big week for the Hulk. Absolutely. Wait a minute, I'm not the one who does this. This week is a strange

little tidbit. Personally, I'm done with the sex tape trial. There's been developments but nothing... Are they going to televise the sex tape trial? Or are they just going to leak it to Gawker? They're going to put it on instead of the Macy's Christmas Day Parade or whatever.

Thanksgiving. This is like a weird kind of thing that I found from digging. There was this wrestler that predated Hulk Hogan named the superstar Billy Graham. Not the evangelist. No. But this guy basically came up with all of the stuff that a lot of wrestlers would then do. He was kind of the originator.

He was the first guy to say brother over and over again. He was the first guy to make his boobs bounce up and down. He had the handlebar mustache. Hulk Hogan took a lot of stuff from superstar Billy Graham. And superstar Billy Graham was kind of like the guy who came up with all this stuff but never became the famous. Yeah, he was a real wrestler's wrestler. And so recently... He wrestled for the back

of the room. In a weird twist, Superstar Billy Graham, I guess, has taken up painting and has a painting currently for sale on eBay of Hulk Hogan huh and it's uh i have it there that's it's not bad it's it looks like it's maybe uh done with um like airbrush yeah yeah it does yeah like it would be on the side of someone's van

absolutely some cool guy something he would have to paint while wearing a gas mask um so it's you know by the time this episode airs it will have been uh will have been sold what's it currently at it is currently at 100 the buy it now price is 250 oh my and buy it now yeah buy it now yeah i should buy it now uh so that superstar uh wrestler Billy Graham, yeah, painting the guy who kind of, he helped into being the Hulk Hogan we all know today. Yeah, that would be like if, wait, what's an example? I was going to say if Johnny Depp did a painting of Skeet Ulrich. But Skeet Ulrich may have stolen or used the same shtick, but wasn't as successful. Maybe it would be like, who's somebody that we know is like a... Who's somebody that Kurt Cobain listened to?

Someone like Seattle Grunge Band that nobody's ever heard of. Oh, sure. Mud Honey. Yeah, if Mark Arm did a painting of Kurt Cobain. Yeah, exactly. There you go. We did it. Yeah. I knew we could. Oh, sure. Mud Honey. Yeah, if Mark Arm did a painting of Kurt Cobain. Yeah, exactly. There you go. We did it. I knew we could. Yeah, sure. Now it is actually time for Overheards.

In the tradition of the podcast, we always like it if the guest leads the way into Overheards. We love it. Sure. Would ya? I will. Awesome. Now, I have one. It is in my least favorite genre of overheard and that is something i saw on television okay it's not as organic but was reality television it's kind of like i i overheard this conversation and these people stopped being polite and started

being real yeah uh they weren't there to make friends ah Yes! Now, but it's haunted me, this line. It was from a program called Bridezilla, which I love. Is it on TLC? I had to watch it on Netflix. Had to. Had to. Yeah. Had to.

Yeah, all of the time that I'm not spending courting gentlemen suitors. I'm spending watching wedding shows. Interesting. I love them. Or going to the gym. Yeah. Absolutely. To fit into the wedding dress I'm going to buy.

What other wedding shows do you watch? Do you watch Say Yes to the Dress? Say Yes to the Dress is my favorite. Absolutely. Do you like the original? Do you like Atlanta?

I like the original. I will watch the other versions of it. I will watch Atlanta. All of this is when I am staying at my parents' house who get TLC. Yeah. Okay. You go to Kleinfeld's with your friend Shmuel Kleinfeld. Yeah.

Do you watch Four Weddings? Four Weddings. I love Four Weddings. Four Weddings is good. Four Weddings is like the consolation of going on shitty road gigs because they also have that at the hotel. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I just love them.

I love everything about them. And Bridesgills is a great one, because it's just people mostly spending... Well, the first season was people spending just astronomical, to me, amounts of money on their weddings. Like $300,000 on their weddings. Just like no budget. But then the second season, that was still the concept of like these horrible brides. But then it was mostly like pretty regular, if not like sometimes like poor teenagers. Yeah.

And it was like, no, you really, I don't know what happened on this show. Is everybody going to wear tracksuits? Yeah. But it was an aversion. It was a gentleman, a financier, some kind of high finance gentleman. Yeah, sure. He was getting married to a much younger gal. And she was really excited.

She was planning this beautiful wedding. And she brought him to listen to this gospel choir that she wanted to have sing as she walked down the aisle. And his line about it, which has been haunting me, was, I didn't spend 12 years in boarding school just to have a gospel choir at my second wedding. Whoa! You do the math. Yeah, wow. Geez, he's a real groomzilla.

Yeah. He's a real groomkong. Is there a male equivalent of a bridezilla? I don't know, but I know there's a mothra in law. Yeah. It's also in that genre of things that we've been seeing a lot of lately of, like, a well-to-do, sort of sophisticated gentleman saying something like... Basically saying, like, I hate poor people.

Yeah. And I'm racist. Yeah. But I don't want to just come out and say something flat-out racist. Yeah. But I don't want to just come out and say something flat out racist. Yeah. So I'll hide it in this weird riddle about how many years I was away from home as a youth. Yeah, boarding school is a weird, like... Yeah.

Because that's a sacrifice he made to become the man he is. Yeah, but he didn't choose to go to boarding school for 12 years. Yeah, that's all of the years. That's grade 1 through grade 12. Yeah, wow. Wow, yeah, his parents had no love for him. Yeah. No love.

No love lost between these parents and kids. I didn't have an affair with my au pair. So you could walk down the aisle while I listened to Billy Joel classics. Listen, I didn't leave my wife just to hear a bunch of beautiful humans make a joyful noise. Yeah. While I celebrate the love of a much younger woman.

Was it Joyful Noise? Was that a movie recently? Joyful Noise. Yeah, yeah. Was it about the noids? The noid? Yeah. From Domino's Pizza?

He was just sad because everybody was avoiding him. Yeah. He had given up on stealing pizzas a long time ago, but everybody still remembered to avoid him. Joyful Noids, everybody. Dave, do you have an overheard? My overheard is an overseen. Now, a few months ago, the bench at the bus stop near where I live was destroyed. Oh.

In Hurricane Irene. Oh, no. No, it was just the bench was damaged, and then the transit people came by and just removed it. Oh, yeah. And I think I've talked about this before, that someone, like for a few weeks, there was no bench there, so someone just put a bench in. Put a bench in, yeah, yeah. I sat on that bench. But it's just raw wood. like no condom yeah do not sit on it in short shorts you don't make the same mistake um but uh uh there's been uh some graffiti on it

and uh i just noticed some the other day and it it was done with a ballpoint pen. And when you write on raw wood, unfinished wood, with a ballpoint pen, it looks kind of crude. The pen gets stuck in the ruts, the grain of the wood. And so it's not a very good drawing, but I can tell that they drew a saxophone, a trumpet, a violin, and a jug. Yeah. And then above that they wrote, we fuck your bitch every day. Whoa. Yeah.

Band class style. I want to apologize for the swearing. But yeah Eryday E-R-R-Y-D-A-Y Jesus Eryday That's when they fuck you bitch With their jug band

Well there you go That's what I get for leaving her alone With these creepy band guys Yeah Fair enough I mean it goes both ways Fool me once Junk band

I thought it was safe Because they were out On the porch Yeah exactly Fool me once Junk band Shame on me Fool me every day

Yeah yeah exactly Shame on me Contact my lawyer Wow Alright Now you Graham Yeah You also participate in this

My Mine is a combo Overseen Overheard It was everything It was a full experience Oh yeah Now Now you, Graham, you also participate in this. Mine is a combo overseen, overheard. It was everything. It was a full experience. Oh, yeah. Now, you two are familiar with In the Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2. In theory.

Not much of a reader. Okay. There were two, I want to say they were In the Cat in the Hat's helpers, but they kind of just make mischief. They're these two little guys, and one has a thing that says thing one on his stomach, and the other one has a thing that says thing two on his stomach. I think it's possible Dr. Seuss really awakened my hatred of reading. No, sure. But you're familiar with this general concept.

Yeah, I've seen the hat. So when I was walking to my gate in the Toronto airport, there was a lady wearing a shirt that just said Thing 1. And I was like, oh, hey, Dr. Seuss. And then when I was walking back, I was going to go get a coffee, I saw a lady wearing a Thing 2 shirt running to her gate. And I said, oh, hey, Thing 1 one's that way and then heard three other people do the exact same joke poor lady no one said oh the blazes you'll go different book yeah i know were they honeymooners they were two ladies so maybe yeah you know anything it's canada i thought they were gonna be like a theme uh it looked to me like they were going to be twins like a theme it looked to me

like they might be on like a like a getaway of some sort so either they were married or one of them was going to get married

to a cat in a hat yeah yeah I when you as soon as you said Thing 1

I assumed that Thing 2 was going to be Thing 1's twin. Oh, yeah. No, these ladies were not twins. Do you ever see grown-up twins dressed the same? Sure. But, in fairness, I hang out on a lot of talent shows. Or not even dressed the same, but in a theme thing.

Like Two Sailors. Yeah, or Salt-N-Pepa. Yeah, exactly. or not even dressed the same but like in a theme thing um like one and two sailors yeah or salt and pepper yeah yeah exactly uh spaceman and alien yeah the old one two punch spaceman and alien um and now we have other uh we have overheards that are sent in to us uh by listeners from around the world and if you want to do the same you can send them to stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and um this first one speaking of like from around the world comes to us from todd h in belgrade serbia oh wow yeah way way over yonder yeah um i live in in Belgrade and was out at a pub with people from a variety of embassies.

I overheard one of the Canadian embassy staff members say, and that's why if I was a reindeer, I would kick your butt. Diplomatic immunity. In summation. Yeah, exactly. I've provided you with all the arguments. Yeah. The floor is

yours. Maybe they're having a nice debate over it. And Santa was the moderator. Look, guys. I don't know where to go from your reindeer bit. I don't know how to play your reindeer games. I'm not allowed to join

in any of them. Now, this is a twofer. These are going to be the next I don't know how to play your reindeer games. Great. I'm not allowed to join in any of them. Now, this is a twofer. These are going to be the next two are both from the same person. Okay. And they're from Ashley Y. in Mountain View, California. The first overheard comes from a football game. I was at a 49ers game this weekend, which was a Veterans Day weekend here in the States. In a burst of patriotism, the crowd started chanting, USA, USA.

The little girl I was with, about four or five, sitting with her family, asked her dad, what does USA stand for? National Public Radio? Pretty great little kid, right? It was the Bay Area. Very liberal. When I was a kid, I had a friend who, for some reason, I remember like two or three times he bragged that he knew what JFK stood for, and

then he would say, John F. Kennedy. Wow. And I'd say, what does the F stand for? And he'd say, I don't know. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. And PR. This second one comes from a coworker.

While starting to make a lunch for her three- or four-year-old, she asked him what he wanted to eat. He responded, I want a knuckle sandwich. She asked him what is in a knuckle sandwich and he said, pickles and peanut butter. Yeah, absolutely. Make your kid a knuckle sandwich. Is that an actual sandwich? Not knuckle, but pickles and

peanut butter? Seems like something Elvis would eat. Yeah. I mean, anything's a sandwich if you put it between two pieces of bread. Also, I feel like there was a time that anything was something Elvis would eat. Oh, yeah, absolutely. He ate his first gold record. Yeah, that's true.

We once had a theme party that was Elvis-themed, and it was like, make something that seems like something Elvis would have eaten. Oh, wow. And I think the best... A bowl full of sequins. It was all like some kind of weird, like, high cuisine fused with trash.

Yeah, yeah. So there was, my favorite was Velveeta sushi. Oh, yeah, no, absolutely. Sushi had been as popular back then. That's all he would have eaten. Maybe it'd still be with us. Yeah. He had eaten better. Yeah. Yeah. Sushi had been as popular back then. That's all he would have eaten. Maybe he'd still be with us. He had eaten better.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phoned calls. If you want to phone us with your calls, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Dig it. Hey, host and probable guest. Hey, host, host, and probable guest. This is JC from Ottawa with an over-experienced herd slash experience. That happened a few years back when I was shopping for a car at a dealership. Well, I was actually looking at some trucks, and I was out with a few guy friends, acting all, like, cool and stuff. But anyways, this dealer,

guy dealer comes out with a smoke wanting to act as cool as us. And I was looking at a single truck in the front lot and his comment was, well, we got a shitload of those fuckers in the back. Yeah, cool. Oh, you must be one of those cool guys i hear about yeah i think um if you're like being a car salesman seems great because you can smoke while you do it and swear at customers yeah and so much free coffee yeah not to mention just like i think it's kind of fun

to get a car with a stranger and just go for a ride. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which car dealership guys get to do that. And they put a license plate in a bag and they hang it off the back. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, just shoot the shit, you know. How old are you kids? Yeah.

This seat folds down. So you can sleep here. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Shit doesn't work out for you. You could totally live in this car. You fuckers. Buy this car, why don't you? Buy it while times are good, because things aren't going to last, trust me.

I just know from experience. Next, a phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham and guests. I'm calling in with an overheard slash overseen. I was on my college campus today, and I saw a girl hugging what I'm assuming is her parents as they were about to leave after a visit. And her father said, don't forget to fly in your dreams tonight. Love you. Bye. And then her mother said, okay, I'm going to take this stick from our front yard.

I can't even do this without laughing. Okay, I'm going to stick... Hold on, one more try, one more try. I'm going to take this stick from our front yard and leave it right here on the ground for you. And I didn't mishear this because she took a stick out of the trunk. It was about a foot long and put it down on the pavement behind their car. And then they got in their car to drive away.

So I don't know what that was about, but yeah, I couldn't stop laughing. Who was the stick for? It was for her. For the girl that was gonna fly in her dreams yeah oh wow i think i'm guessing homeschool was involved don't forget to fly in your dreams is it possible that they are a family of witches yeah oh she's gonna fly on the like trainer room stick that she left oh There we go. You gotta practice in your dreams and then use the stick in real life.

I'm gonna leave it here amongst the sticks that have naturally fallen. And if it's true, you truly are a witch. Yeah, you will find it and then float when we throw you in the river. This is not bad. This is not... Yeah.

Yeah, there's some... I had a dream where I had a dishwasher. Oh, yeah? How did your life improve? When I woke up, I felt like I had an extra 20 minutes on my plate to just do whatever I wanted with. And then you could just throw your plate. Yeah, yeah.

Good working. Good working. I think the big advantage of a dishwasher is a place to just put dirty dishes yeah like not have them out and then once it breaks just to put other stuff on an engine of a car yeah you found yeah yeah drugs yeah hide stuff a gun um if you're a kid a good place to play hide and seek oh absolutely yeah if you can't get into the fridge you would never put dirty as someone like I don't have a dishwasher, but I would never put dirty dishes just like, I'd never reserve like one cabinet just to

put all my dirty dishes in until I was ready to wash them. But that is essentially what I would be doing. With a dishwasher. With a dishwasher. Yeah, that would be your mouse cabinet. Yeah. We have, there is a mouse in our walls. Oh, mouse in the the house But it's not

It used to come into We found Some of its leavings In one of the cupboards but then we sealed up Where it had come in It hasn't been back In the apartment but it is We hear it at night and we hope

It's trapped in the walls and we hope it's trapped in the walls, and we hope it dies. Yes. I have similar noises in the night, and I look, and I can't find a place that it's come in, but I'm all, oh, I just, oh. Yeah. I mean, it's, oh, I'm so afraid of it. I'm not afraid of it.

I'm just more, I mean, if I saw it, I would scream. Yeah. But it's more that I feel like it really... It's listening to you live your life. No, I feel like it just makes me closer to a piece of dirt. And I have to do the dumbest, I try to anthropomorphize it, so I'm like, it's wearing a vest. You don't know that it's not. I don't know that it's not, or I will it's not or i will do i will pretend that it like again to go back to witches as if it has it was a child

that's been turned to a mouse and it's trying to get back to its grandmother yeah yeah or if it's wearing a vest it's matthew mcconaughey from magic mike it's trapped in your wearing a leather hat yeah in the middle of the night does the mouth have abs all right all right all right let me out of this wall he's always hitting on inappropriately younger mice. All right, all right, all right. Where's the cheese? Fun. Final overheard.

Hi, Dave, Grandman Possible Guest. This is Joel from Louisiana. I have an overheard. I was in a grocery store a little while ago, and I heard over the loudspeaker somebody announce, Brandy, dial 106. Brandy and Candy, dial 106. Brandy, Candy, and Sandy, dial 106.

I think it was Randy. Oh, really? Randy, Brandy, and Candy? It might have been Brandy, anyway. Oh, Brandy and Candy. Yeah, Sandy and Candy. But, yeah, I think if you... There's no other aisle that you can rhyme like do you think they just put them in that aisle for fun for for that purpose i misunderstood i thought it was two people oh yeah that's what

i thought no no it was randy in candy oh randy and candy aisle yeah oh i thought it was randy and then also they were Paging Candy. No, no, they needed a price check on like a $100,000 bar. And it's like Randy's like, why do I, I don't even work in the Candy Isle. Every time that somebody has a candy question, they got to do Randy and Candy. No, he is Randy and Candy. He does work in the Candy Isle. He's like, he's been promoted to head of candy.

They put him, well, I mean. Everyone's in charge of an aisle. Candy Randy. Chip and chips. He used to work at an erotic cake shop or erotic chocolates. So he sold Randy candies. Right. What are erotic chocolates, Graham?

You know, tits. Chocolate tits. Yeah, I mean, there's... I guess if you're Ellie in the deli. Absolutely. Avery in the bakery? No. No, yeah. Jesus in Cheesus.

Jesus in Cheesus. We have a lot of fun here at the supermarket. Now, that does bring us to the end of this here podcast. And we want to thank you very much, Katie Ellen Humphries, for being our guest. Thank you. It was my pleasure. If people are interested in seeing you perform. Bryce and Rice.

Bryce and Rice. Bryce and Rice, absolutely. Where can people find you online, Katie Ellen? I would love it if they were to find me upon Twitter. You can find me at Miss Katie Ellen, M-S-K-A-T-I-E-E-L-L-E-N. And I do want to say, from the times that I've been on the podcast, your fans are some of the greatest, most interesting. They're so funny, so creative. And I have legitimate friendships with people based on relationships I've made

from being on your podcast. And I love it so much. And your fans are wonderful. And they have brought a lot of wonderful things to my life, and I want to thank you guys for that. Oh, wow. That's great. They're top drawer. You're a top drawer lady.

Have any of them asked you out? You're on the market? I am the superman. I heard you're ready to mingle. Dave, do you have anything? you're ready to mingle yeah um dave do you have anything um uh go to movember.com and look up my name and uh you can donate to my mustache there uh the benefits uh prostates yeah uh and men's health in general you know what it's like this this thing on my face is the grossest thing um about a prostate yeah like The fact that you have to get

to a prostate through a butt isn't as gross as my mustache. You can get to it through a guy's mustache. It just takes longer. Yeah, I think you can get to it through the urethra. Sure. Yeah, you can, you know what? If you're in her space. Where there's a will, there's a way. If you want to head over to

MaximumFun.org and check out our sister and brother podcasts. Also, if you want to head over to MaximumFun.org Check out our sister and brother podcasts Also, if you want to advertise on the show You can go to MaximumFun.org Slash Jumbotron And also check out the blog recap That Dave does each and every week Featuring photos and videos of content discussed

On this here episode Oh yeah, Magic Mike will be involved week featuring photos and videos of content discussed on this here episode oh yeah magic mike will be involved maybe this picture that uh legendary billy graham did of hulk hogan oh yeah the picture of uh the we fuck yo bitch everyday jug band absolutely um and uh if you like the show tell your friends if you want to contact us at stop podcast yourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328. And we'll see you again here next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.