Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 246 - Warren Bates

Episode Date: December 4, 2012

Warren Bates returns to talk fast food promotional cups, communal dining, and Graham's dumb art project.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 246 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who we just had a delightful Mexican dinner together, Mr. Dave Shumka. It was a feast or as Mexicans call it, a fiesta. Yeah, el fiesta.

It was a real Ford fiesta. Yeah, yeah, that's the first Mexican-American car. Yeah, it's a real party car. Yeah, if you bust it up, candy goes everywhere, right? If you get in a car accident, the airbag blows candy into your face. And our guest this week, second time returning guest, really funny guy, improviser, sketch, stand-up, soon to be producing a regular monthly stand-up show here in Vancouver. And a big Lord of the Rings fan, this guy, Mr. Warren Bates.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. What was that? The horn of the car. La Cucaracha. I thought that was a thing from Lord of the Rings. I thought it was... Like, that's where it fit in the conversation. Yeah.

Lord of the Rings song. Lord of the Rings song. When Gandalf shows up... The dub over for the Peter Jackson trilogy has a lot of... Like, for the Mexican version? Yeah. Spanish, I should say. Mm-hmm.

It depends. There's a lot of cultural things they add in. Like? Well, when Gimli blows the horn. Yeah. In Elm's Deep, it's ma-ma-ma-ma. You can continue. You can do the whole song.

Oh, that would take hours. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. I have to do the original, traditional one. Yeah, sure. And those tree people are cactuses. Do you want to get to know us? Yeah!

Get to know us! Well, thanks for joining us. Yeah, you've been great. We're going to wrap things up. You were telling us before the show that Denny's has a promotion of the Hobbit movie. There's like a second breakfast. Yes. It's a look like a Hobbit promotion.

I've been told there's a Hobbit menu. But you have to ask for a special... You have to be this high to eat it. A lot of restaurants have special items. And I use restaurants. I mean fast food restaurants. Have special items that are on the menu.

And you can be like, hey, can I get the double heart attack milkshake? Right. And then they punch you in the face with a bag of milk. Medically. Is that In-N-Out Burger that does that? A lot of places do. Like what else? Like there's a secret.

Apparently there's something called an all-Canadian meal you can get at McDonald's. Really? And that's a cheeseburger. It's just, like, instead of a regular value meal, it's just a cheeseburger with your extra value meal, I think. Really? Where do you learn these things? Chat rooms? Why is that Canadian?

I don't know. I don't know if that one was right. But I know there are special, like, Taco Bell things that you can get really right that are i remember shack had a shack pack a snack shack shack back oh you mean shack shaquille o'neal shaquille o'neal had a special burger named after him where i talk about i think it was a burger king give me the snack shack. And they'd be like, ooh, we gotta defrost that one thing of burgers we got. Whatever you say.

Whatever it is. We're not questioning you. We have no idea. Was it spelled like shack? Like S-A-T-Q-P-A-Q? Yeah. Everything is. I think so.

Okay. And this was at what restaurant? Burger King, I believe. Oh, wow. And you'd just go, give me the shack pack. Yeah. And then was at what restaurant? Burger King, I believe. Oh, wow. And you just go, give me the Shaq pack. Yeah. And then they would just say, what is that? This is my first day.

Yeah. There's no Shaq pack. I do remember that the commercial was him. It was like a Shaft-esque song. It's like, who is the man who can dunk over any of these dunks and stuff? Yeah. Damn right. Order a Shaq pack. Yeah. he's one of our finest yeah what's he doing now movies voiceover work all the all the public appearances

tweeting yeah oh yeah that's right he was he was one of the first big twitter celebrities yeah Yeah, and he got famous on Twitter. And then, yeah, once they met him, they were like, you'd be really good at basketball. It's surprising that you're good at Twitter with those gigantic hands. Yeah, some people get comedy things, but he got basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came up in the same class as shit my dad. Do you think that Shaq has difficulty using a typical smartphone? Because he has very, like, huge monster hands. Yeah.

So an iPad to him would look like an iPhone to the rest of us, right? Does he perceive it the same way? Yeah. Everything looks tiny to him because he's so huge. Have you seen his girlfriend? His girlfriend is tiny by tiny people standards. What is that supposed to mean well like she's under five feet tall oh he's like what almost seven feet tall right that's a lot that's a whole guys math wise over two feet yeah yeah um so do you does he bend down to kiss her or does does she get up? Does she straddle his knee?

What does she do? I think there's probably a lot of lounging in that household. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good thought. He can't be upright all day long. Like a Roman emperor. He's as good as that.

How good is that? No, I'm like, he's as glorious as a Roman emperor. Yeah. I imagine his life is much like that. Palm fronds. Peeled grapes. So what else is new you've enjoyed the denny's menu i haven't i haven't had it and i don't endorse it i'm just saying it exists okay okay would you endorse it oh for enough for enough free because i know denny's denny's does a lot of TV commercials. Yeah. That's why I can't think of a single one of them.

Not since those two old ladies has Denny's done commercials. And they'd say, where's the bees? One of them thought it was called Lenny's. Oh, that's very funny. Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. Anyway, so you're endorsing this. Yeah.

Go out, grab all your money, run to Denny's. Go out, grab all your money. Press pause on this podcast. It seems weird that, because The Hobbit, isn't that a big deal? Like, wouldn't they be able to score a better endorsement than a Denny's? Like IHOP? Because like Subway, when I was at last at the Subway around the corner from here, they had stuff from Frank and Weenie. And I was like, that seems about right. Frank and Weenie and Subway teaming I was at last at the Subway around the corner from here, they had stuff from Frank and Weenie.

And I was like, that seems about right. Frank and Weenie and Subway teaming up. Right. It's embarrassing. Battleship was Mr. Sub's horse that they backed. It's embarrassing when they pick a movie that is really hyped and it doesn't do well. And they're stuck with tons of these promotional cups. Yeah. Yeah yeah a lot

of merch from the pelham one two three yeah yeah the last great cup was the mcdonald's jurassic park that was the last great cup yeah all the cups are whoa do they have raptors on them or something eating burgers oh did they ever have have a crossover like that? Where the raptors are doing McDonald's things? Ronald McDonald's hunting raptors. Yeah. They're just eating a Grimace. Grimace is on the toilet and the T-Rex

is ripping his head off. The Hamburglar tries to get away. The Spitter eats him in the car. Yeah, that's right. He stole some hamburgers and some DNA. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. He stole some hamburgers and some DNA. Yeah. So, right, sure, that's the Flintstones. I remember there being better cups.

Not better cups, but good cups after that. I don't know if there were great cups. But when they redid the Star Wars movies, or the prequels, 7-Eleven, I think, had Slurpee cups that had like a Darth Vader lid on them. Oh, that's pretty good. That's tough to beat. And it was in the shape of his face.

There were cups that came out with Batman Forever that were like coffee cups that you got from McDonald's. Yeah, McDonald's does those a lot. Do you remember those? No. Oh, there was one. And they were glass. They were glass.

And there was a two-face one where the handle was the coin kind of flipping in air. Wow. I remember making my dad take me to see it twice. What, Batman Forever? Oh, yeah. Wow. And he was really angry the second time. He was like, we've already seen this.

Oh, yeah. And he wanted to see while you were sleeping with Sandra Bullock, I think. Oh. And I was like, what? Couldn't you have... Did you live in a town that only had one movie going on at a time? Like, couldn't he have gone to While You Were Sleeping and then you gone to Batman Forever? I think he didn't want to have me alone in a theater.

Yeah. He was still kind of... Because, you know... Because all sorts of crazy things. Right. I think Batman Forever may have inspired my hatred of going to opening night of anything. Oh, yeah. Because I had to line up.

I went to opening night of that, lined up around the block. Really? Wow. Yeah, it was big. Wow. I guess so. And finally got in the theater. It was full.

Like, people, everyone bothering everyone else. Like, I'm sorry. Can you move over? We're two people. If you do the math, then I can sit with her. And then people screaming when, like, Chris O'Donnell came on the screen. And his butt. Yeah, yeah.

People being like, whee! phallic comer yeah crazy time and then like people ironically screaming when alfred came on the screen dude no was it uh who's the love interest in that uh nicole kidman nicole kidman as oh what was her name meridian oh yeah chase meridian chase meridian chase meridian wow um you know because you've seen it twice i've seen it more than once i just don't remember i remember tommy lee jones is in it and i remember this cup that i had yeah featuring tommy lee jones jim carrey's in it. And I think the Flaming Lips are on the soundtrack. The big soundtrack. Was that U2 was on that?

U2. Seal. Oh, Kiss from a Rose. That's where Kiss from a Rose was. Wow. That's probably the biggest soundtrack of our lives. Better than the Pulp Fiction one, for sure. So, yeah, that's weird.

I don't remember. The only thing I've ever gone to on opening night was The Phantom Menace, and that was horrifying. I think we were in the second row, and it was like nerds were yelling out things, but there weren't things to yell out yet, because it was the first night. So there was no inside jokes or whatever but the nerds really like were pressing it like yeah so and so they brought stuff they brought like rice to throw during the wedding scene yeah um uh have you ever been to a opening night thing but like like a nerdy one. Like a nerdy one? Yeah, I saw The Lord of the Rings.

Oh, there you go. The first one. I won tickets. And everything went smoothly. Oh, you won tickets to like a preview. Yeah, like a preview. And then the next day I went to the opening night because I already had tickets. And the whole time I was like, oh, I love this part.

Yeah. And people hated me. Wait, was it the first of the three? Yeah. I saw it three times in a row within four or five days. Uh-huh, why'd you do that? I was in grade 12 and had no girlfriend.

And his dad wanted to see Are You Sleeping? They were playing a double role. I actually wanted to see Mr. Wrong. He just likes Bill Pullman romantic comedies. You know what? Probably. That is a good assessment of what my dad likes. Now, in the summer, we were at the same comedy festival in Saskatchewan.

And I met your brother. And Warren's brother is like a heavy metal guy. Like he's the exact. If you picture a heavy metal guy and then his exact opposite, that's Warren. And then. But it was like. Then go back and picture a heavy metal guy again. And that's Warren's brother.

Yeah. He's. Although I wouldn't say he's more into. What is he? I don't even know what he's into. I don't know. But he's got like super long hair and he was wearing a leather jacket. He had a giant beard.

Is he younger or older? He's younger by about a year and a little bit. He's giant. He's a giant, yeah. He's like a giant man. How is he at Twitter? Doesn't do it. What if the taller you were, the better you were at Twitter?

I don't see any evidence to the contrary. Who are some of the tallest people? Tom Cruise is probably very bad at Twitter. Conan O'Brien's very good at Twitter. Shaq. George Morazan. Jeff Goldblum. That's a parody account.

It's just the tweets about my joint. Jeff Goldblum tall? He's l parody account. It's just the tweets about my giant. Jeff, go womb tall. He's lanky. Who's tall? Wasn't there somebody that I just saw? Tim Robbins? Oh, yeah. Oh, the guy that Jon Stewart debated.

Bill O'Reilly? Bill O'Reilly. He's really tall. How did that person go? I didn't watch it. I think the big thing was the internet cut out. Oh, that's right. I didn't watch it. I think there was a big thing was the internet cut out. Oh, that's right. A big chunk of it.

And it went back on and the chair slipped over. Yeah. What happened? Raptor prints everywhere. Like the cameras went back on and everyone just heard them say, well, thanks for a wonderful debate. I can't believe both of you each changed your mind. The big thing

was Jon Stewart had a hydraulic lift because he was remarkable. He's bad at Twitter. They were the same height differential as a Shaq and his girlfriend. Jon Stewart and O'Reilly.

He had a hydraulic lift that brought him up to... You're serious, though. Yeah. As a joke. As a joke thing. And then he did it really, really funny the first time. Diminishing Returns the second time. By the eighth time he had done it, people were like,

are you actually going to debate anything, or is it all just... It's just like, this chair is broken, it won't let me... Just... Now I'm going to take the elevator down. Okay, alright. It's just like, this chair is broken It won't let me Oh my god Now I'm going to take the elevator down How's the ignorance up there? Bill That's probably a line he used

Yeah, yeah, I don't know, cut out Halfway Cut out right when he used that line So what's going on, Warren? Tell us, you're a man on the go. You're a man on the scene. Oh, boy. I've been doing a lot of improv.

Yeah? Right now? Right now? Yeah. What do you mean you've been doing a lot of improv? Where? Yeah, what's that like? I did the Vancouver International Improv Festival.

Interstellar. Interstellar. Interstellar Igneous. How was that? It was great. It was good. I have to hear about one more laser tag. Yeah, I didn't know. I'm trying not to talk about it.

So many people. So many improvisers. Yeah. Is that good or bad? Being around a lot of improvisers? It's great. But it's a little much. Like how much too much? You know what it's like to be around a lot of stand-ups?

Depressing. Yeah. Okay. So is it like that? No, I feel like it's more exhausting. It's exhausting. Yeah. It's like a bunch of puppies.

You want to pet them all. You want to pet them all. Feed them all. Lay down some newspaper. You have to pet them all. I want to pet them all. Feed them all. Lay down some newspaper. You have to sell them one by one to different people. Yeah. Can't sell them all at the same time. Yeah, it's great.

Everything's a bit. And then it's great. And then you have to go home all night and recharge. It's a fun festival. That was the last big thing that happened to me, I guess. Yeah. You're also going to run a show. That's what you just said. That's true. So what that happened to me, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. You're also going to run a show. That's what you just said.

That's true. So what's that? Yeah, Little Mountain Galleries. Going to launch a great... See, the thing is, if I had a name for it, I could be like, it's called this... Oh, yeah. Well, let's do a quick brainstorm. Yeah.

Tell us about the show. We'll name it for you. Because we're pretty good at naming things. We do host podcasts. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, exactly. Please come do stand-up. Okay.

It's at Little Mountain. So that's where we start. It's going to be all of that six performers. Little Bighorn. Yeah. Minnie Mounts. Minnie Mounts. Minnie Mounts Presents.

Tiny Mountie. Come and see this. Come and see this. Come and see this. That's not bad. I actually wanted to call it Little Mountain Big Laughs. That's alright. What do you need us for? Yeah, you already did it. It's once a month, though, right?

First Friday of every month. Why don't you just call it that? First Friday Faws. Like it's Gafaws, but like apostrophe F that? First Friday Fonz. Like it's G-F-O-Z, but like apostrophe F-O-Z. First Friday F-O-Z. How about Fonz? That doesn't make any sense. Is there going to be anything Fonz related on it?

No. Okay. Nothing. All right. All right. You know that there's a crotchety person that lives across the alley from there. I do. That calls the cops on everybody

I thought they sorted that out Yeah, I mean, if sorted it out, you mean they stopped hosting things there So that the guy wouldn't call the cops Well, I'll put an end to that I don't know what that means Have you ever called the cops on, like, noisy partiers? My roommate apparently has called the cops on the people across the alley

from us three times in the last month. Have you noticed the parties? I haven't been there. It's not parties. Domestic disturbances. That's different. It's worse. Considerably worse. That's a better word choice.

Yeah. Apparently. What's the lag time? He said the cops showed up half an hour after he called. I feel like... It's very rare that a fight lasts more than a couple minutes, right? It's not still going to be going on when the cops show up. Unless it's one of those things where it's like... Where it's like someone's throwing out the other person's belongings into the yard.

Because that takes a while. Depends on how many belongings they have. Yeah. Well, but then you sort of, you got that momentum. You're like, and I'm also throwing the toilet lid out. This feels like a movie thing. I don't know. Have you seen ever, do you know of any disputes?

No, I don't know. That is definitely a movie thing. It's like, baby, don't. Yeah. All of his stuff is out on the lawn. I don't know if it's, it might just be like, because we're Canadian and people are generally sort of mild-mannered. I've seen an eviction where they've thrown all the person's stuff out on the sidewalk.

And you know what? People are not shy about combing through that stuff and taking what they like. Really? Yeah. We're very crow-like in our abilities to separate that somebody just lost their house. Well, I mean, I know in this city, often a way to get rid of things is to just put it on your front lawn and put a sign that says free. And then let the rain fall on it for two weeks.

And we go, maybe someone still wants these soggy encyclopedias. And still leave it on your lawn. This waterlogged computer monitor. Someone still might want it. The Soggies from Captain Crunch would want those. The Soggies were the bad guys

from the Captain Crunch-iverse. Different than the Whedon-verse. I don't know what it is. Are they milk? Yeah. Two of them are milk. One's lemonade. And around the corner.

There's the fudge factory. Yeah. There's Dr. Fudgemeyer. What was he battling? he was battling milk but like don't they work together don't they have a treaty doesn't captain crunch and milk fighting the concept of sogginess because captain crunch stays crunchy even if it's in milk i don't know man yeah i don't know it's not true but yeah because it it starts. It doesn't kind of turn slimy in milk. Yeah, it starts off as jagged as rocks. Yeah, it's like Triscuits.

Yeah. It's the Triscuits of cereals. And then there's maybe like a two-minute window where the milk absorbs enough to make it edible. But then after that, the soggies take over. There was... It's like... It's a very... It's almost like the story of the gremlins like

eat your captain crunch you're gonna say of gaza no it's almost like the story of the gaza strip very educated on captain crunch not so much on foreign yeah well then do you know about this turn in the captain crunch universe where there was captain crunch that had berries in it. Crunch berries. Then there was one that was all the Captain Crunch was gone. It was just Crunch Berries. And it was called something like Whoops! It was called something like Oops! It was like

they screwed up at the factory. Yeah! I love those. And it was a commercial. Commercial premises. Yeah. And you would just get it would all be just a red was a commercial. Commercial premises. And you would just get it. It would all be just a red cereal. There are so many commercial premises. And meanwhile, there is

a team of marketing people trying to figure out how to sell this accidental cereal. A graphics team is working on box designs. They had to call in extra people because they accidentally made this cereal. Why did we let the real Captain Crutch

Run our factory for a day He's just a captain He made six employees walk the plank The union's up my ass Hey guys Don't go on strike Oh man Do you think there were even kids who believed that...

Oh, it was a real mistake cereal? Yeah, like it's like a liquidation warehouse. Like, we've got to get rid of these Crunch Berries. Oh, man. No, but there were probably a few confused grandmothers that believed it. Oh, yeah. I bought you Crunch Berries. They're just as expensive

Yeah I thought these would have a discount on them But with the mistake being printed right on the box Utility cereal What was Captain Like he never in any of the commercials that I saw He never was piloting a ship or anything You're wrong about that Oh really was he on the ship?

That's pretty much his deal, I think. I don't remember anything about him. I don't remember the Soggies. I feel like the Crunch Berries maybe were a team of, like it was a rock band of Crunch Berries or something. I don't think I ever saw him using a compass in his combat. No, you're right. I think I remember him on a skateboard. Is that possible?

Admiral Crunch. Yeah, no, I think he was... First mate. He was very maritime. Okay. Yeah, I don't remember specifically very much either. No. But I do... I think that's a pretty easy universe to contain him in.

What did Tony the Tiger do? He just helped kids. Yeah, he just helped out. He was a real motivational. He was like a community builder. Toucan Sam was good at following his nose. That's right. Yeah.

The Trix Rabbit always stole the Trix? He always wanted to steal it, but they weren't for him. They were for kids. Right. And the Lucky Charms guy, they stole from him. Oh yeah, that's right. But then he was always like, ha ha, you kids. Well, he's not gonna

kill the kids. In the commercials. He's gonna wait until after. But every year, once a year at Christmas, they would do one where he was allowed to kill a kid. Yeah. And eat the Lucky Charms they'd eat out of their stomach, using their stomach like a bowl. It was really graphic.

Yeah. No, I don't remember that, but yeah. Yeah, and then the Cuckoo Bird. Cuckoo Bird, Cuckoo Crispies. Oh. Yeah, what was it? He was crazy for Cocoa Puffs. He was Cuckoo for, cuckoo crispies. Oh, yeah. What was it? He was crazy for Cocoa Puffs. He was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

And the sugar bear just sang. Yeah. He couldn't get enough of that sugar crisp. Yeah. He was a real suave character. He had a lot of Indiana Jones type adventures. Yeah. And I think he was also a thief.

Yeah, that seems right. A serial thief. It was like he was based on Dean Martin or something. Yeah. He was very like, his a real thief. It was like he was based on Dean Martin or something. Yeah. He was very, like, his eyes were closed. If he really tried to pull off a real heist, he'd get caught right away. Why? He's just very slow.

Oh, no, was he? And he's a bear. Yeah. In a half shirt. Yeah. Oh, man. Good trip down serial memory lane.

Well, it's funny because you said he's wearing a half shirt and that's quite common in cartoon animals. Just putting a shirt on them and having their genitals exposed. Yeah.

I thought Sugar Bear's genitals were way too prominent in all the packaging. His genitals would just be resting on the side of the bowl. I would say suggested, sir. But, and people kind of make fun of that.

Sure. Like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse even. Oh. But Mickey Mouse doesn't have the shirt. He's got the shorts.

He's only got pants. But like, when people dress up their dogs, they never put pants on. They only put, like, a jacket. That's true. I think that would be a real... If it hasn't already been done. Good avant-garde

exhibit where it's all the characters but with their genitalia drawn on it. I think there's been... Feels like something R. Crumb would have done. There was an SNL TV funhouse called Anatominals. That was pretty good. Oh.

I've never seen that. Check it out. Okay. Yeah. Bring your dad. After your dad's finished watching it, watch it twice. Yeah, watch Dick in a Box. Are You Sleeping or whatever it's called.

What was it called? While You Were Sleeping. No, it's called Are You Sleeping. Are You Sleeping Yet? It was about sneaking out to play video games. Oh, that's pretty good premise. Yeah. That's what the wizard is.

Yeah. Well, they didn't sneak out. They ran away from home. Sure. Okay. Because their dad was abusive? No. Bo Bridges.

Bo Bridges, Christian Slater. Their dad was Bo Bridges. I remember remember had the line twice i believe oh let's just go get a cheeseburger i might be making that up yeah i remember it like that if you go to mcdonald's and order the christian slater they'll just give you a cheeseburger and uh super mario brothers 3 game cartridge that's's true. Really? No! Pulled me so quickly. Yeah, but you really wanted to believe, and that's the key. That's the key to any good gag. Dave?

Yeah? Is there anything going on with you? Well, my... I just discovered that my cell phone hasn't been receiving texts for the last few days, and it has affected my life 0%. Oh, really? Yeah.

But here's what's going on with me. Well, the other day I went. It was Abby's birthday, my wife. Also, she's still her own person, right? Yeah, yeah. For the purposes of introducing her to strangers. Oh, absolutely. It wasn't your birthday as well. No, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. For the purposes of, you know, introducing her to strangers. Oh, absolutely. Like it wasn't your birthday as well.

No, no, right, yeah. Okay. We weren't celebrating her birthday because I gave it to her. Between you and me. So I took her out for dinner, and we went to a place that has a communal table. Ooh. Like one big table that everybody sits at. It's not the only table. Is it like a Japanese style?

No, no. Where you're sitting at the bar kind of thing? No, it's a table that you all sit around. And there's a few restaurants in the city that do that, where they just try to encourage this this uh you know spirit of community but really they're just trying to cram as many people in yeah it seems like something that you would hate yeah yeah yeah yeah um but uh fortunately that's not the only seating arrangement okay uh so we sat at a table for two meanwhile there is a table for 16 people who don't know each other to sit together. Okay. Even more, probably. And what type of food is this?

This was like a charcuterie. Oh, I don't know what that means. Italian? Is that Italian? It's like meat and cheese and like... All right. Yeah. That was my contribution.

Yeah. Yeah. And so that was great. But then we went for dessert. We went to a place that's the polar opposite. A place that is so... Where you sit in a tube by yourself. Well, they... Depending on the amount of people in your party,

they will sit you at a larger table, but they'll put up a little screen. Like they'll put up a little divider on the amount of people in your party, they will sit you at a larger table, but they'll put up a little screen. Whoa! They'll put up a little divider on the table for you to not have to look at the people next to you. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, I like that a lot, too. Table for one, please, and a screen. But it was funny because we didn't intend on having that experience in that one night of

going to this one place that encourages community and this one place that sort of banishes you to your own cubicle. Could you have it so that they can have a screen divide and the two people facing each other? Oh yeah, probably. It's like, you know what, this day doesn't go

on so well. One table, two screens. I bet they could if you go there by yourself. Just box you into a corner? Yeah. Like, I just need to study. Yeah, this loner is also... It's like a... Like, it's not well-lit or anything.

It's the place you go, they only serve dessert. Oh, I need to study romance. It's on mainstream? Yeah, yeah. Sweet Revenge. Oh, yeah. And it is delicious, but it's not a good place to go study. No.

But I think it would be, I do like that idea of going by yourself and having a bunch of... Having a trifold out that just kind of surrounds you and you just eat by yourself. Is there one of those Japanese screens that you can change behind and have a sexy silhouette of you eating cake? I'm just going to slip out of my clothes. Slip into a more comfortable bib. I'm taking the shame out of going to eat cake by myself. Was it delicious? Of course.

I don't know. Maybe they're just good at screens. There's a little place on Yelp and there's a selection for screens. Yeah. Or it's like we put up screens so that people can't see how disgusted they are with their gross desserts. Yeah, the food is secondary to the screens. You pay for the screens. The food is free.

It's understood. When you were talking about this communal restaurant, I thought, I remembered reading that there's a place in town, this follows from the cereal thing we were talking about earlier, that has a cereal buffet. The Waldorf in the mornings now has, yeah, like, it's like a bar of all the different types of cereal. Oh, like how many? I don't know, like over 20. Yeah. And you just go and eat cereal. Does that seem like a thing? That doesn't seem like a, like, that's like the one thing you would not pay for outside of your house, right? Like, I get kind of like, why am I paying for a grilled cheese? You know, like, I can make my own grilled cheese kind of thing.

But cereal is like, you really can have your own cereal at home. Like, we're too lazy for cereal. I used to do that if my family ever went to, like, stay at a hotel. I would get the cereal that comes in the box. Oh, that's fun. The little personal box that you open up the side and eat out of. It's because it's like a craft. It's like a Kinder Surprise. It all works together.

Have you ever eaten it out of the side or did you use a bowl? You just said right out of the side. Well, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, yeah, you can tear it open. Yeah, that's what I said. Oh, okay. I don't know.

You tear it open, you make a divider so you don't have to see your family. And then you, yeah, you eat it right out of the box. Yeah, you put those flaps over your eyes. Have you not had that? What's going on? I have. Okay. But once you said that i was

thinking about uh one time that was my dad's thing like uh we were like uh that was his idea of taking us out went to the grocery store got the variety pack and we just sat in a carton of milk we just sat at a park bench and ate all of them well that's kind of nice that's not bad yeah it's a fun day out. Do you have brothers and sisters? Are you an only kid and it would just be you and him? My brother. That's right, your brother from earlier.

Was he on the scene at the time? I think that would be a great thing if you didn't have any training in child care and you wanted to open a day camp, that would be a good activity. Cereal. Yeah. That would be your morning.

It wouldn't even be lunch. Cereal. It would be activity. 9 a.m. to noon. Go to the store. Buy a variety pack of cereal. Yeah. Some disposable spoons.

Yeah. Kids will... What other stuff you you do in your day camp oh uh invented i'm like i was thinking about something to do with like a handful of quarters like every kid would be given a handful of quarters and you just go into a you know just see how many like see if you can make a you know give them a list like can you make a phone call can you do a load of laundry? Like, or just wash your own shirt. Can you just do one shirt at the laundromat, wash and dry? And then also, what else would you use quarters for? Pay somebody's parking.

Find somebody who's parking and pay for their first 10 minutes. Call football. He starts in the football. Yeah, that's right. Call a king off. I would go take them to Sharper Image and try out all the chairs. Try out all the gadgets.

Yeah, take them to the bay and let them have a nap in the bed section. Take out a shopping cart and put it back. Oh yeah, that's fun. Kids love shopping carts. A lot of stuff that kids sort of think is cool until they realize that it's all chore-related.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, have you been to a grocery store where they have, like, there's a cart for the kid to push around? Shopper in training. Right? Yeah. I wonder if Adbusters has done something with that yet. Oh, yeah.

They're really going to blow that shit out of the water. Drone-entraining. Consumer-entraining. Yeah. And then, oh, man, there's also, like, it could be, like, a little fetus with a tiny little cart. It's entraining to be entraining. Man, this art exhibit I'm putting together is really... You're really pushing the limits of what people will tolerate.

Yeah. When we were at MaxFunCon, you did a seminar on beard painting. Yes. And I didn't do any seminars because I don't have any fun training or fun skills. But when we were at the lodge there in the Poconos, I noticed that they had a claw machine. Oh, yeah. And I think that would have been a fun session of, like, I get $100 worth of quarters. And we're going to win this.

And for 90 minutes, me and six other people take turns just seeing what we can get. It's true. There's a Denny's here in Vancouver that has the claw machine right at the entranceway. That is the most fun. Have you ever gotten anything? I deserve to get something.

I don't know what happened. All three prongs have been on all sides of the object and it just slides off. It's very weak. They grease up the objects before they put them back. Yeah, you don't want them. They're destroyed by the olive oil.

I'm always surprised when I see one of the claw machines that has current things in it. Yeah. Did someone win the old stuff? Wasn't there one? I feel like there was one at the Cobalt that had inappropriate things in it. Like there was a vibrator in it and cigarettes.

Am I remembering this correctly? Or am I just inventing something for my art exhibit? Drone in training. I want to go to your art exhibit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is, when you get something in the claw machine and it grabs onto you,

something comes, like a claw comes and grabs onto your head at the same time, so you can feel what it feels like. Yeah, materialism. Yeah, yeah, you're grabbing it. The claw says materialism so you you can feel what it feels like materialism and it says yeah yeah you're grabbing it because it's materialism so you don't miss what it's about yeah it has all the subtleness of the political car yeah all my stuff is very like you know it's uncle sam but not only is it uncle sam it says uncle sam and g-O-P. USA, USA. All the best art has all words on it, just explaining what everything is. Yeah, like it's a man coming into an office and the man has like a sash that says,

Union. And his shoes say, you know, Don't Run. And you're like, what? He's doodling? In the first draft of the Mona Lisa, she was wearing a sash that said, what's her deal? Yeah.

Yeah, and there was also an elephant on one side and a donkey on the other. Going at it. Yeah, doing it. Doing it. Oh, what does that mean? It's like they're all in it together. They've got hands in each other's pockets. Yeah, yeah.

But they're having sex and they're also pulling money out of each other's pockets. Lots of money sex. Lots of money sex. Oh, man. We are really awful. I mean, what is art? Yeah, no, that's a good question. It's not a pipe.

Whoa. Right? But it is a toilet. I don't know what I'm talking about. What was that, Duchamp? The guy with the toilet? Yeah. Lusso.

Inspector Clu. Yeah, that's right. So that's been my week. That's been great. Communal eating and... Was it a big wood table? Yeah, of course Like a big medieval looking thing Yeah, there's a few places like that

It really just seems like Hey, let's cram as many people in here as possible And say Hey, meet your neighbor, man Let's pass the peace, bro Gross Your server today will be wearing meet your neighbor, man. Let's pass the peace, bro. Your server today will be wearing sandals. Hey, man, everything we serve has beats.

They're having a moment. Yeah, it's called the beat generation, but it's spelled B-E-T-E-T. B-E-E-E-T. We're just like Jack Kerouac, except our fingers are stained red. Yeah, and we only show BET. Yeah. I feel like we've done a lot of good work here.

Let's wrap up this. What's going on with you, my friend? Not too much. I mean, this weekend was exciting because you were on Doug Love's movies. Oh, that's right. I was. Yeah. I think we'll probably have put an ad

in a previous episode about that. We're pre-taping a bunch of episodes of this show. If you haven't listened to it, it's great. You do great. You win. Spoiler. I won. I was on Doug Love's movies with Harland Williams, who's a

great big weirdo. He's Canada's own, right? Yeah. He's so funny. Are you a fan? Yeah. I read this book when I was starting out in comedy. It was called The Guide to Canadian Comedy.

And it kind of followed Yuck Yucks through the 70s and the 80s. And at the end, it was like, who's going to be the next big star? And Jim Carrey was mentioned very briefly in it, but it really focused on Harlan Williams. It was like, Harlan Williams is going to be the next big thing. And it was pre, obviously, it was pre like Dumb and Dumber. Because Jim Carrey was in Parallel Invention. Yeah. But it was pre obviously it was pre like Dumb and Dumber because Jim Carrey was apparently in pension yeah but it was funny they really this

whoever wrote this book like really banked on Harlan not that he didn't he went and made tons of movies and is a famous guy but it was funny that the only other guy mentioned was Jim Carrey like of all the other right right anyway so that was cool.

Yeah, it was fun. And that's all that's gone with me. You were on Doug's Lost Movies. I didn't do anything. What did I do? Do you know Doug? No. Because he asked a lot of questions about you.

Oh, maybe. Oh, we met in Seattle a long time ago. Oh, okay. Well... I introduced him to marijuana. I... we met in Seattle a long time ago. Okay, well. I introduced him to marijuana. What did I do? I caught up on The Walking Dead. That was my big thing, as I was like four weeks behind.

Why did it take you so long to catch up to them? They're so slow. Yeah! It's weird that... Were you disappointed by your own joke that's good uh i was gonna give up on it because uh i don't i think i'm kind of done with zombies is that possible that i've kind of just i've had my fill of it seems like there's been a lot of zombie stuff yeah in the past i don't know, six years or something.

It's like, I'm ready for a werewolf thing or a mummy thing. What have been the big zombie things? This, Zombieland, Adventureland. Yeah. Also World War Z. Yeah. Yeah. And also just there was a lot of...

Shaun of the Dead. Shaun of the Dead. And just lots of other auxiliary zombie things. And there's been a lot of stuff that's like check out our new take on zombies yeah and there's never new enough you know what i mean like it's like yeah there's still you gotta hit them in the head to kill them and they're still undead and they still move slow sometimes there's fast ones but what's the next there's a movie coming out about a zombie love story oh yeah

it's called uh what is it called warm warm bodies warm body yeah maybe and that's it i'm just like how many more twists on right you know what i mean like uh am i am i alone on i think a lot of people uh feel that way i know i do but i'm also very squeamish about gore, and I can't watch. I think I would love it if I could watch it. Oh, you can? It just terrifies me. Yeah. It's pretty gory. It disturbs me. Oh, it's very gory. That's the only redeeming

part, because the rest of it is so boring. Well, there's a character on it, without saying any spoilers or whatever, but she's the most infuriatingly dumb character I think I've ever seen on a show. And every time that they cut to her storyline, just like, ugh. Like, I wouldn't be a genius in a post-zombie world. I'd probably be dead very quickly.

But I know they wouldn't keep fucking the evil guys i know that uh which seems to be her major fault uh anyways like i don't know like how many more how like what's the what is the best case scenario for these guys in the post zombie world yeah well like what are they living here yeah but well who the zombies aren't working on it and the people in the show are just trying not to get killed so who's working on the right like uh is it just gonna be like oh it was only it's then i gotta pull like the what was that movie where it was only england oh 28 days later yeah yeah and it was like everywhere else is fine it's just your it's just this place.

We've sealed you off with all the zombies and now that's the country of zombies. It's very unpopular with tourists. Zombie International Airport. Baggage fee?

Yucks. Zombies were very rude to me. They just... You just look out the window of the plane And the zombies are just dropping suitcases All over the runway Why did we check back? This is your captain's office Why is he still flying a plane

i know but he doesn't work for the airport he works for the airline are they is that the hub yeah it's the hub oh yeah absolutely that's a good twist on that like there's a zombie country and you go there and you visit it like right yeah it's a tourist destination yeah they're sort of toned it down a bit with the zombies yeah zombie stuff because it's bad for tourism yeah but every once in a while a waiter just eats a guy yeah and they have like a history of zombies museum yeah exactly um but it's like in a really warm place so people are like like i don't like the zombies but it's so cheap yeah they take american money i don't need to even exchange currency oh yeah well i think we just wrote the new yeah the new twist on

on zombies. It's called Vacation on Zombie Island starring George Clooney. Well, he's expressed interest in the project. Maybe just as a producer. Yeah, he's getting a lot of buzz. Yeah, absolutely. And so that's it, man.

I caught up on The Walking Dead. And also I went to a big communal dinner. I've never eaten at a communal table before in a dining situation. Yeah, it's still your own food. It's not like... Oh, that would be so terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, tonight you're eating this stuff.

Yeah. Here's the trough People would love that If there was a restaurant that was just like potluck You just pay ten bucks And then it's just whatever The health inspector comes in You can't do this

My ring's gone Everybody stop eating lasagna You pay ten dollars But you also have to bring lasagna Yeah, how does this restaurant work? No, I was just thinking You pay $10, but you also have to bring lasagna? Yeah, how does this restaurant work? No, I was just thinking the place... There are some kinks. We didn't say there weren't kinks.

Yeah, I was just thinking this place was so gross that people were scooping up lasagna with their hands and just putting it on their plates. Yeah. Yeah. And it's one of those places where you eat in the dark. Oh, yeah, those places. Oh, that's a thing. Have you ever done that? No, I've Yeah. And it's one of those places where you eat in the dark. Oh, yeah. Those places. Oh, that's a thing. Have you ever done that?

No, I've heard. Would you? Now, remember how squeamish you are about gore. I've heard of these places. And the waiters, they have bowls of, like, grapes, and they're like, these are my bowls. Yeah, yeah. Here, have some hair. And the waiters are actually blind.

Oh, yeah. Or I've heard that the waiters have night vision goggles. Oh, NVGs. Yeah, and so they walk around like a bunch of Ghostbusters. Or part of the fun is just hearing the waiters trip and spill food. Oh, blind waiters, that makes sense. I mean, wait, does it? Well, if it's completely pitch black, it makes no difference.

Is the kitchen also? Yep. Chefs have to make the food. They can't even use a flame. So they don't even know what they made? I think this is linguine. I either made you some grapes or eyeballs.

Same joke, but different room. One room over. But it would be just tough with spices because all spices feel the same. Yeah, you. But it would be just tough with spices, because all spices feel the same, right? Yeah, you'd probably just use an allspice, right? Is that... That's what allspice is.

Yeah, it's all of the spices. Every spice. Yeah, isn't that what allspice is? What is allspice? That's what old spice is. Yeah, allspice is... Isn't allspice got a bit of island flavor? It's like a Jamaican thing.

Yeah, but you know, it's like, you know, you put it on your pasta, you put it in. I don't think that's what that is. I don't think it's like the duct tape of spices. It's the Star Trek of spices. Oh, guys. Well, it's the Star Trek of spices. Well, in Star Trek they have machines that duplicate whatever food you want. Really? Yeah. Why don't we machines that duplicate whatever food you want. Really?

Yeah. Why don't we have that? I don't know. Anyways, so yeah, that brings us up to present time. All right. And why don't we move on to Overherds? We'll see. Life can be fun.

Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. That music, of course, means it is not time for overheards. It's time for a bit of business. And this week we got something up on the Jumbotron. and this week we got something up on the Jumbotron a book called The Time Traveler's Pocket Guide by Katie Sikelski we have done an ad for this particular book in the past or was it the future?

it's a guide for anybody who likes to think a lot about time travel it's a guide, kind of an all-purpose here are the things that you may need if you travel back or forward through time uh including uh what to do if you meet yourself a series of different possible handshakes you might need to know yeah uh how to uh make out with celebrities before they get famous oh yeah like but some of that would be gross for some, right? Like, Leonardo DiCaprio would have been

just a kid. That's true. Why is that the one that I picked out of all the possible celebrities? It also has an emergency set of mutton chops that come in handy in multiple times throughout history. It's an excellent Christmas gift for the special nerd

in your life, and they probably don't even have it yet. So if your loved one already has every last piece of Doctor Who merch, this is probably what you're looking for. Doctor Whom. Pardon me. It's also been recently released as an e-book or e-book. Yeah, as you say in our past parlance. In the future, they'll pronounce it e-book. Yeah, as you say in our past parlance. In the future, they'll pronounce it e-books. So if you have a Kindle, then it works on that.

It is. What about an iPad? Would it work on that? I just know it's definitely going to work on a Kindle. But yeah, so that is the Time Traveler's Pocket Guide. Head over to timetravelbureau.com slash bumpers to get a 10% discount. You'll need that money in the future. Or the past. Let's hear a quick message before we move on to overheards.

Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of MaximumFun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, MaxFunCon West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to MaxFunCon before, get ready to reunite with your old friends. And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones.

Registration is now open at MaxFunCon.com. So act fast. MaxFun Con pretty much always sells out. We don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to maxfuncon.com. Overheard. Guys. Overheard. Overheard's segment

where all people from all... And I, for one, am excited about it. Just to paint an audio picture, Dave crossed his arms and sat back with a real satisfied smile after saying that. Real satisfied. Yep. You bet. Can't wait for these overheards But first

Shut up, Graham You shut up, Dave I want to bring you just a quick Just a quick read On Hulk Hogan News Hulk Hogan News? It's Hulk Hogan News Hulk Hogan was asked on Twitter

About rumors That Triple H Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Is that the full name of Triple H? That was his official title when he started out. He was a wrestler. He was a wrestler. Greasy kind of wrestler? Yeah, long greasy hair.

And originally was supposed to be like a fancy king or something. Oh, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Yeah, and then it just turned into Triple H, which was like a... Suck it. Yeah, like a fancy king or something. Oh, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Yeah, and then it just turned into Triple H, which was like a... Suck it. Yeah, like a... Oh, yeah. Just a heavy breath.

And Hulk Hogan has been asked if Triple H is interested in signing Sting to the WWE after his TNA contract expires. I dream of rain, la loom, la lay. What was that? I dream of lay. La lay, la lay. It's Sting.

Oh. Yeah, same guy. Desi Rose. Yeah, that's his finishing move, his tantric sex with his opponent. Oh, gross. His finishing move takes eight hours. Yeah, exactly.

And Hulk says he's not committing one way or the other. Is Sting going to move to the WWE? Hulk says. Sting is an actual wrestler. Yeah. Who is maybe the same age as Hulk Hogan, like 60. Yeah, like he's been around forever. Yeah.

There's a picture. Did he used to paint his face? He still paints his face. But he used to paint his face like the Ultimate Warrior. Yeah. And now he paints his face like the crow. It's like the crow face. And I have a picture on my Facebook.

It's a well-known picture of Sting and Robocop, I think, posing for some sort of anti-drug thing. Oh, okay. Or maybe they teamed up in the ring. I can't remember. Or maybe they teamed up in the ring. I can't remember. But Hulk says Sting is hotter than he's ever been and still moves like he's a teenager. Which is not true.

And that actually sounds a little bit creepy. He runs up to his room a lot and slams the door. Plenty of nice to be born. I wanted the belt. Turns up his green day real loud yeah sting's got a bunch of posters on his wall yeah of sting pointing at him hey you sting this is other sting telling you uh so anyways and also hulk denies that he's looking to the possibility of Ted Turner investing in TNA Wrestling. Okay.

Well, this was unnecessary news. No, I mean, for fans of Sting, it was important. Do you think Sting, the musician, would have had the same impact if he was only known for that one song? How does it go? Oh, yeah. I dreamed of rain. What? Is there a good Sting song?

Solo Sting song? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Because he did a lot of stuff that had pan pipes and stuff. Yeah, he did a lot of re-recording police songs with the jazz people. He's like, this was the way it was meant to be recorded. Yeah, he did a lot of, like, re-recording police songs with the jazz people.

He's like, this was the way it was meant to be recorded. Yeah, if you like jazz, and I mean Spanish jazz. Yeah. You're really gonna like this cover. El Roxanarino. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, for real, Overherds, and for real, Worn Bates, this is your time to shine, because we like to start with the guest. Huh. And that's you, man.ates, this is your time to shine. Because we like to start with the guest. And that's you, man.

Yeah. Now, last time, mine wasn't very good. And mine, this time, is going to be the best. Oh, yeah. All right. I'm going to have to paraphrase it, though, because I didn't quite understand the gentleman. A while ago, at a Starbucks, this guy was, I think he was an architect or a planner of some sort was talking to these other two guys and he had a French

accent and I was close enough to hear something to the effect of they're discussing the why an L-shaped room has its downfalls. An L-shaped room, right?

She's like, so if you don't know, someone's walking in on you masturbating. And the other two guys are like, yeah, I can see that. That's a bad... Like the door, like you don't hear the door, and then you just walk around a corridor it's like an l-shaped room if you're in a square room i mean oh it depends where the door is lock

the door though yeah yeah in either shape of room lock the door if you're gonna mess yeah but it's easier to remember in an l-shaped room because lock starts with an Yeah. Yeah, also long and loose. Yeah. Yeah. Which is your wiener. So that's mine. Yeah. That's great. That's pretty good.

Pretty good. Oh, wow. Put well on my head. Yeah. Although it might be, it's like a good shape of room to hide. Oh, sure. Right around the corner.

Yeah. And masturbate. He's like, the one downfall is that you can get caught masturbating but the upside is that you can hide i just feel like i imagine so in any room you know like you know like in a movie where they're uh the camera pans and someone's got their back totally against the wall creeping up but also they're masturbating like i can't wait till this guy comes around the corner and sees what I'm doing.

Oh, wow. Dave? Yes, I haven't overheard. Mine is, there was this, I'm guessing this woman, young woman, like 20-ish, was in art school. But I got on the bus and she was sitting in a this sort of maybe relates to your uh a bad art project um uh she was sitting on the bus and she was wearing uh like a like kind of a sexy school girl outfit right um she had uh like patent leather shoe well i know what she was wearing because in her overheard, she told the person on the phone what she was wearing.

Oh, wow. Okay. But I actually didn't pay attention to most of the phone call for the first half of the bus ride. And then I was like, oh, she's talking on the phone really loud. I should probably pay attention to her. And so I took my headphones off and I was listening in and she was talking about, she was like, yeah, I'm wearing these patent leather shoes and like knee socks that have a little bow on them and a little skirt. And my hair is all crimped and I'm wearing this hat over top and I have put black around

my eyes. I look like a total, like a 14 year old leukemia girl. I look like a total, like a 14-year-old leukemia girl. Gross. And then she's talking about how this guy should come over and make a video with her. And like, you can bring your charcoals and paint up my back. Oh, that does sound like an art project. And she described herself. She said, because I'm biased and imaginative and jaded.

And the only other thing I remember her saying or that I wrote down was, we need to take so much advantage of being young and not famous. Yeah, absolutely. I think most people take full advantage of being young and not famous. Yeah, peeing outdoors, you know, masturbating in L-shaped rooms. These are two things you do when you're not famous. You can't do that when you're old or famous. No, absolutely. You've got to grow out of that shit.

You've got to go into a Q-shaped room. You have to go into a movie theater. Isn't when you're an art school student, isn't everything that you're doing a prelude to trying to have sex? Isn't that the whole premise that you're like, come see my

etchings, draw a thing on my back. Isn't that all just... Right? I feel like regular college is like that, but more alcohol is involved than that. Art school doesn't need as much. Yeah, it's just incense. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I've never... I didn't go to art school. Yeah, I feel like I wish I had some kind of visual art talent. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well. Those Emily Carr kids are pretty cool. What are you basing that on? My own feelings of watching Scott Pilgrim.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I feel like they get more scowling done in a day than any other school. Yeah. It's all a prelude to having sex, but just... Scowly sex. So, yeah. What a bummer. Yeah.

It's not good but it is moody and it's going to inform my next project which is sort of about how bad you are at sex I'm not talking about consumerism anymore yeah found that was a little obvious yeah this next it's a love handle machine but all of them it's like there's all the modes are like

bad at sex when you said love handle machine i thought of muffin top oh that's what a love like one of those those those squeezing thingsing things. Right. That measure. I said that wrong. The love meter. Yeah. That you squeeze the handle. You squeeze the handle. No, I'm interested in this love handle machine.

Like, it's kind of a doughy guy. Just grab him. Yeah. Grab him, yeah. And then it tells you, like, hot stuff. Yeah. Or just... Cold hands.

Try a different pant size. Yeah. Don't need to wear a belt Wear a shirt that Goes past your belt That is a good hint For anybody who's battling a muffin top Tucking in is tough When your cup overflows Yeah, also Low when things are over, when your cup overflowed.

Yeah. Also, um, uh, low rise pants are the enemy. Uh, oh yeah, absolutely. You can't, you can't tuck in when the, the, the, the waist is a couple inches shorter of the shirt. Unless you're wearing like a robe. Uh huh. That's true. Yeah.

Then you have too much to tuck in. Yeah. And then you, well, you can, you can tuck in if you're wearing a robe as a top. Right's true, yeah. You have too much to tuck in. You can tuck in, if you're wearing a robe as a top, tuck it in, leave a little bit out to be sort of like a flouncy little thing. So you're tucking the robe in so it's all bunched up

kind of at the top. I'm thinking of a bathrobe that comes down to your knees. Yeah, okay. You pull it out a bit and then you take the belt Out of the robe Put it around your pants You got a pant robe

Yeah, this is good It's a good look That's where we get bathrobes from They used to be men's tops Until the invention of pants And margarine It used to be a lot of butter My overheard Comes courtesy of Right. And margarine. It used to be a lot of butter they were eating.

My overheard comes courtesy of a lady and her friend who were talking very loud on the train. And I feel like maybe they had talked earlier in the day about the movie or the book The Outsiders. Because when the ladies parted ways at one of the train stations uh the one lady tried to quote from it and did that thing where you miss the quote by just enough that you know where it's from but you know that it's wrong so she said super loud she's like all right be strong pony boy I was like, close. Nothing feels worse than that. Be strong, Ponyboy. It's Stay Gold, right?

Yeah. I haven't seen the movie or read the book. But you know that quote, right? Yeah. It's also a Get Up Kids song title. It is a good emo song. Oh, wow. Real emo.

What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. No, it means something. Come, wow. Real emo. What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. No, it means something. Come on, Warren Bates. What is real emo? It used to mean just wearing a sweater. Yeah. Tucked into your jeans.

It used to mean... I don't know. I really wasn't into that kind of music. What was the original... Because emo then became... Some say Sunny Day Real Estate was the first. And then it's stuff like Promise Ring. The Anniversary.

Yeah. Jimmy Eat World? Yeah. And then... But before, Fall Out Boy became emo. But it wasn't down-tempo stuff, necessarily. No, it was like peppy power pop punk. Oh!

But with sad emotional lyrics. More acoustics in it. Oh, yeah. All right. Were you an emo? You were an emo guy. Yeah, I felt that was my identity. Were you in Saskatchewan at the time?

Oh, yeah. Were you the emo kid in Saskatchewan? I was the only... You were the only one in all of Saskatchewan with an emotion. Yeah. Yeah. Besides rage. White hot rage.

Well, you don't seem emo you don't seem like an emo guy now you seem like a thoughtful young gentleman I'm really into I don't know go on thoughtful core thoughtful core all the songs are about

writing a thank you note okay actually bringing it bringing a hostess gift yeah packing an umbrella yeah yeah a second umbrella yeah yeah uh putting your coat down for someone to walk on no one's ever done that uh outside of a cartoon seems very uh like an unreasonable thing like you've ruined your coat so that somebody's boots don't get... Yeah. Hey, lady, why don't you step four steps the other direction around

the puddle. Also, what are you wearing? Paper shoes? Why can't they get a little wet? Yeah, well, maybe she's wearing... Maybe she's headed out to a night on the town. Maybe she's wearing heels. She doesn't want to step in a big puddle. No, that's true. But I shouldn't have to sacrifice my $800 coat.

In this situation, I own an $800 coat. It's made of flax. Yeah, why did you buy such an expensive coat? And why are you going out with this precious lady? Why don't I just lift her? Or like... Well, that'd be good. Yeah, lift her across.

Or maybe if the car's right there that she's getting into, sort of like toss her gently. Is being picked up a thing that ladies like or are terrified of? Depends on how strong you are yeah but if if you are also semi-weak but really funny it at least makes them laugh yeah so like where you're barely doing it yeah also but if you stay like no i'm gonna do it then it's funny also if you live in a basement apartment like myself uh you have to beware of hitting your wife's head on the ceiling there is a scene in magic mike uh where where because these guys are always on stage picking these ladies up and there's one scene where he's one of the characters has the lady

and she's upside down and he's like like kind of of jostling her up and down, and he hurts his back. And he just walks off the stage, and the lady is still standing on stage like, what the fuck? And he just gets him to cut the music like, my back, I can't. Man, that made me laugh, because I was like, oh, that is so what would happen. I would try it once, and my back would go up. When you first said that, I thought you meant you were talking about Like Mike. Is that the Lil' Romeo or Lil' Bow Wow movie? Yeah.

One of the Lulz. One of the Lulz. It's basically the same movie. Stuart Little. Yeah, for all intents and purposes. It's about a mouse that wants to become a male stripper um guys we also have in the movie magic mike who plays mike uh that's channing okay he's magic mike okay even though he's not the well yeah he is the hero of the movie that actually i think

matthew mcconaughey's the hero of the movie because uh he's in this contract that's why um no just because he does He just makes it his own. Yeah. He makes it work. Guys, we also have overheards from all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to stoppodcastyourself

at gmail.com This comes from Ashley Y in San Jose, California, uh, where she runs an afterschool program for middle school girls. Is that junior? Yeah. Junior.

And they, uh, say some weird things. Uh, and this is one of the things, uh, One Direction, the boy band is very popular with my girls. Uh, all girls, right? They're the, they're the new beatles that's what i heard uh they name uh projects after them and talk about them constantly did you do that when you were a kid yeah i named everything after one direction i can't wait for these guys to be born if you were allowed to pick your own topic of what you

were going to do a writing assignment you'd be like ninja turtles yeah and so the teacher would have to read 29 essays about ninja turtles yeah no what was yours mine was they were like in grade two you had you got to pick the five words you wanted to spell and there were like five words a week and once my five words were uncle scrooge duck and tails and i don't remember what the other one it might have been like launch yeah and if there was a six word, it would have been pad. Yeah. During one of the conversations about which one was the cutest, Scrooge McDuck or Launchpad,

this one especially awkward sixth grader, or, as you say, grade six, I love Zaneane he's so cute I just want to sit on his lap a real Santa kind of yeah yeah

he's the one with the big white beard and the round belly right Zane well that's the thing about boy bands

is that the they're safe and they're yeah and the girls don't know what they would do right oh yeah

they can't explain this attraction they're like oh I just don't they can't explain this attraction they're like oh i just want to i just want to you know hold his hand and then what for how long i just want to cry in front of him for like an hour yeah just cry and lose my mind yeah that's true because then yeah once you got past that you'd be like well that was great holding zane's hand at least like a teenage boy who has a crush on a 30 year old jessica alba knows what he would do yeah yeah he would ejaculate on the walk to her house and get caught. It's a fantasy. He doesn't even have a car. Well, let's be realistic.

Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna have sex with Jessica Elba, but I'm not gonna drive her. Yeah, I'm 14. She'll pick me up. This next one comes from Austin from Kentucky. This is in the kids say the darndest category, courtesy of public transit girl saying to her mother,

mom, am I getting a present from Santa this year? Mom? Well, you don't believe in Santa anymore, honey girl, but mom, I believe in you.

Pretty good, right? That's some good guilt yeah so make with the prezzies um nobody says that when you stopped believing in santa oh sorry listeners um do you remember how old you were and you And you remember if you then received fewer gifts? I don't remember. That's the thing. I don't remember as a kid thinking it was a real thing. I'm sure there was a time that I did, but I don't remember it. I remember the conceit being my mom would write from Santa, but it was her handwriting.

I still believed though i was like santa santa knows my parents right yeah i remember being the like you just figured out i remember one uh one year we spent in spokane washington with my cousins we stayed up all night listening for santa and even then i just did it a like, this is kind of fun to try to make yourself believe. I'm not going to be able to sleep anyway with all these prezzies in the morning. Yeah, you did it!

I remember, I was probably seven or eight, and I was sort of caught on that there wasn't any Santa anymore, but I really still wanted there to be. And then one of my siblings was like hey i know you don't believe in santa anymore but don't ruin it for your cousins oh wow so then you you like transferred from being you were now the uh perpetrator but i wasn't doing anything it was just like it was like a preemptive thing but in

a mean voice yeah it was like yeah Dave, don't fuck this up. The police officer cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave, I want to see some wonder in their eyes. Yeah, exactly. My kids also still believe in the law. This final one comes from Charles in Redondo Beach. Fun.

Yeah. Where's that? California? Yeah. Is it? It is. Okay. This is an... There's an arcade near my house that is like a bizarro world. Old machines, all four time crisis

games. Oh. What's time crisis? Time crisis, I believe, is a game where you you're in the arcade with... It's one of those gun games. You hold a gun. Okay. Yep. Uh, and a haunting puppet show of nightmares. Uh,

there is also a real tombstone made of real stone at the entrance that I'm sure is just left over from Halloween. Uh, anyways, the most bizarre part of all is the prizes that are offered along with the usual candies, inflatables, and small toys. You can also win a, win a wood picture frame,

two tokens, each token is 25 tickets, blank coffee mugs, so just coffee mugs, an electric massage table, 800 tokens, used bicycles, 50 tokens, wedding guest books, one token. Individual batteries that are just laying in a bin, not in any packaging, one token each.

But the strangest prize is a talking Dennis Miller doll. He attached a picture of it, and it's in a package, and the quote bubble coming out of his head says, Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. And there's a whole, there's like eight of them. Yeah. Yeah, like you can win this talking Dennis Miller doll. So greatest arcade ever?

That sounds like a good... I think we've talked about this on the show before, about there was a, in the early days of CD-ROM, there was a Dennis Miller CD-ROM. And it was like a nerd versus Dennis Miller, and a nerd would give you what the actual computer term meant, and Dennis Miller would get on

a RAM rant. What did he say? I don't want to get started on a RAM rant? I'm just... You know what? We're just riffing. I like the guy who his remote runs down the batteries. Gotta head down to the arcade.

Play a couple rounds of Pac-Man. Yeah, of Time Bandit. What was it called? Time Bandits again. Time Crisis. Thanks. Thanks, guys. Now, in addition to overheards that have been written in, we also accept overheards

from your telephones. If you have a telephone, congratulations. You are a winner. You probably won it from that arcade. Put these numbers in it. It is 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave and Graham. It's Tom from Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

I was just calling in with an overheard. I was just out in with an overheard. I was just out walking my dog, and a possibly drunk guy was riding his bike up to the intersection and looked at me and looked at my dog and smiled and said, he looks like Scrooge McDuck's dog. So, there you are. What does Scrooge McDuck's dog. So, there you are. What did Scrooge McDuck's dog look like? I don't remember. That guy called back a little bit later and said,

I just looked it up. Scrooge McDuck didn't have a dog. That looks like a dog that could swim in coins. Weren't there, in DuckTales, was there, I feel like in the opening credits, there were some dogs wearing bandit masks. Weren't there In DuckTales Was there I feel like in the opening credits There were some dogs wearing bandit masks Oh well the Bugle Boys

I never watched the show Or am I thinking of the The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys Yeah are you thinking of Bette Midler's catalog Were they the Bugle Boys I think they were called the Bugle Boys They were the Disney animal that might be a gopher, might be a dog. That weird...

Oh, yeah, they wore red shirts. Yeah. Possibly? I think it was striped prison uniforms at times. Okay. I don't know. But I don't... It wasn't one of the five words he was able to spell. Oh, yeah. Or the five words you were allowed

to say on television. Duck tail. You were allowed to say on television. Duck tail. You were allowed to say on television. Ladies and gentlemen, there are five words you're allowed to say on television. Scrooge McDuck. Duck tails. Launch.

Here's your next phone call. Dave, shut up. This is Ed from Atlanta calling with an overheard. I was out picking up a pizza in the neighborhood tonight. It's Halloween. And as I was getting back into my car, this lady came by on the passenger side and was just, oh, and swears coming to cover the little one's ears she was just like fuck you fuck you fuck you don't don't call my fucking phone and she shoved her phone back in

her pocket her friend said uh aren't y'all two supposed to be getting married i thought that yeah well that's part of the process that's's why you go to counseling. Yeah. Never call the bride before the wedding. Yeah. At all. In the months leading up to the wedding. You may not see the bride. But if you do, tell her to go fuck herself. Yeah.

Three times. Yeah. It's luck. It's a little superstition. Something borrowed, something blue. Fuck you. When he said that he was getting a pizza on Halloween, I wonder if there was a, like,

if you could get it, like, a scary, like, make it look like the pepperonis make it look like a ghost or something. Graves on it? No! Make it feel scary. And taste gross. Like, could you, you know, Halloween only.

Blood pizza. Yeah, yeah. Where they don't put cheese over the sauce, just put sauce on exactly well there's something to make it spooky i guess you can't really make pizza spooky it has real animal flesh cooked into it oh yeah yeah scary like the hot dog in the crust oh yeah like they just put candy corn in the crust. I'm like, ooh, gross. I mean, I'll try it. Or just pumpkin. I'll eat anything.

Yeah, pumpkin crust. It's really overpowering the taste of the pizza. Or they carve a really intricate pumpkin with Roseanne's family. Into the pizza. Is that not the laziest thing that they do in sitcoms is the episode that takes place during halloween and then they just get a bunch of like really easy laughs from like it's the people walk out in a funny car yeah he would dresses that yeah exactly it's like really the costume department's time to shine yeah of course it is those are the those are

the episodes that they send in for the Emmy consideration. For best costume design. Now, this episode, I don't think will come out until December. Oh, Merry Christmas! Yeah. Halloween is a... Oh, I mean, happy holidays. ...is a distant memory. It is weird that that happened, right?

That November happened? Yeah. What a stinkeruma. Yeah. I mean, we made some memories. Sure, we made the best of it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. What a stinkeruma. Yeah. I mean, we made some memories. Sure, we made the best of it. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. It's pretty gross. What's fun about November? Losing your poppy five times. Oh, yeah. How many times did I get stabbed my own nipple with that poppy? Several. More than I ever thought was possible.

But I'll keep the same one till next year. See if it won't stab me next year. Like three people, I worked on Remembrance and three people came in. I work at a coffee shop, by the way. Three people came in and were like, do you guys sell poppies? Like those, they were like frantically, before

11 o'clock, trying to pin one on them. For people who aren't from Canada. Or the UK. Yeah. On the 11th of November. Remember, remember the 11th of November. We all put on Guy Fawkes masks. Actually, leading up to it, we all wear these

fake poppy flowers on our chests in remembrance of the brave men and women who fought the Kaiser. Yeah. And when they come in and ask you, do you sell poppies? You should say, no, but I do sell heroin. Yeah.

Take out the middleman. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Or opium, which is, or fake opium made from fake poppies. Well, that's what I was going with, the heroin thing.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is heroin made from poppies? Yeah, man. I know that laudanum and opium is. Laudanum? Yeah, what's that? Laudanum? I know that it's almost like opium, but...

Oh, it's the stuff that Scrooge McDuck used to use. Probably. Yeah, before he'd go jump in money. Yeah. And your final overheard. Hey, Graven Dam. I'm Joey from Milwaukee. I just got an overheard in the kids say the darnedest category for you.

I was volunteering passing out turkeys for uh american thanksgiving the real thanksgiving which is in november um yeesh again we don't care he asked me how old i am and i tell him and he's like oh did you know michael jackson when he was alive and i laugh and said no and he looks really disappointed and he goes over to the next adult and he says, did you know Michael Jackson when he was alive? And that's pretty good. The easiest thing

is just to say yes, because he's not going to be able to ask Michael Jackson because he's dead. Yeah, I knew him well. I was the one who gave him those drugs that killed him. They pinned it on the doctor, though. Yeah. Don't tell anybody, kid.

Here's your turkey. Yeah, we don't have a ton of pride around our Thanksgiving, so you don't need to throw it in our faces. Yeah, it usually passes without much notice. I do get angry when people say, the real NASCAR, our nascar is just as good yeah um our northern association i do think american thanksgiving is weird though this like this is when people travel to see their families yeah as opposed to the christmas time how come there's so many movies that uh take place around christmas and that so many so that then there were like horror movies that take place around Christmas and so many so that then there were horror movies that took place around Christmas.

You're like, Black Christmas and stuff. But there's no horror Thanksgiving movie. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Oh, yeah, that's true. Spooky. Of what really happened after Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. There's a box of that.

That should go in your arts. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Thanksgiving. Thanks is in quotes. Yeah. And the turkeys are being, you know, killed. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks in brackets for nothing. Giving. Giving us. Mr. President. Yeah. Who put Whitey in the White House. Well, I guess that does bring us to the end of the show, technically.

Warren, you've got this great new show coming up. Yeah. It's going to be the first Friday of every month. If you're in there, starting when? Next month. This month, December. Oh, December. It's actuallycember 7th will be the first uh first that's a friday yeah yeah and uh where could people go online to find out more about warren

bates well um you can i don't have a web oh i have a twitter handle yeah warren h bates warren h bates and um if you're in vancouver and you want to see me do improv you can go into instant theater.com and if you want to see a website i really like it's called uh cute overload that is a good one so check that out what's cute overload like puppies tons of cute animals oh man that sounds great yeah you can get they sell a calendar and it's a cute thing a day. That's good. That's how there is money for cuteness. Yeah, for cute awareness.

And cute research. Into what things are cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big eyes, small faces. And Dave, anything upcoming, outgoing? Well, this episode is coming out December 3rd ish, 3rd, 4th Thanks for all the

warm birthday wishes Absolutely I want to give a shout out to all my fellow Sagittarians Dave's turning 39 again And I would like to say that in the coming week we will be celebrating Pearl Harbor Day

That's when the movie came out. The anniversary of John Lennon's murder. Oh. And That's about it. Right on. And I should say during the

month of DeSombra I'm going to be selling hopefully beard painting prints. But failing that, beard paintings themselves, to give money to various charities. Very cherry. Yeah. Delicious. And you can either find them through beardpaintings.com. Or if you want to go on Twitter, it's Graham Clark.

There will be links. I'll post the information on our recap blog at maximumfun.org. How about that? Pretty good. And also, yeah, if you want to get in touch with us, stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328. Thanks for being our guest, Warren. Thank you for having me. You're welcome.

And you're welcome. Now let's all go pick us up one of those dogs that Scrooge McDuck's got and call it a night. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.