Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 247 - Kurt Braunohler

Episode Date: December 11, 2012

Comedian Kurt Braunohler joins us to talk about the world's largest truck stop, western movies, and prank videos.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 247 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I think you're almost done with your November mustache, right? Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting. I hate it so much. I don't want to live this way. Mr. Dave Shumka.

Thank you. We're actually not going to release this for about two weeks, I think. Oh, yeah, so it's already long gone. Yeah, this will be just a glimmer in my sink's eye. Gross. Or whatever you say about things. Yeah, we're recording this today in my basement, which has

water coming through the carpet at me, and I'm surrounded in a jungle of wires. Yeah. Which is a bad situation if you like electricity. But you're doing great. But if you love electricity, it's great, because I'm going to feel it. You're probably going to get some electricity.

You're going to be fine. All of these wires are insulated you have a towel on the floor this is how podcasting used to be done in the pioneer days uh our guest this week uh very very funny uh stand-up comedian and uh what else what else could i include under that banner sketch comedian oh sketch comedian writer actor uh uh producer bronzed god oh yeah i forgot to mention the bronze yeah you said before the show please please please mention i've been working on my bronze uh mr kurt braunholler is our guest hello thank you for coming thank you for having me oh it's a pleasure okay all are good thank you for bronzing and the, it's a pleasure. Okay. As all are. Good. Thank you for bronzing.

And you guys can't see me, but I am very white. So the bronze joke is, it's killing in the room. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'm very pale. White porcelain, you would say. We're very, we are also very pale. We're all pale gentlemen. So we're all comfortable with each other's level of pale.

Super honkies in this are you are you uh uh does it does the sun get mad at you do you deal how do you deal with the sun i i wear a big old hat really yeah oh you're that kind of no i do i bought a i bought a hat in colorado were you gonna say a panama hat i think i was gonna say a pat. I bought like a fishing hat, like one used by like old men fishermen. Oh, yeah. And then whenever I put it on, if I'm with people, I'm like, hey, you guys brought your cool friend. Good thing. Hey, guys, remember cake?

Oh, we should get to know us. Oh, yeah. Get to know us. I saw yeah. Get to know us. I saw you perform last night. Very funny. Thank you. And during your set, you mentioned something that it's an affliction both Dave and I have, is that you're always like sweating.

Oh, yeah. Always hot. Running a couple degrees hot. Yeah. That is, we're the same. We're all in the same boat. I was like, here we go. This is something we can relate to. When you do stand up you are always hot yes always sweating yeah

just in general the idea like i love the idea of wearing a suit on stage or just like a sport coat yeah i'm gonna uh i'm gonna be wearing a layer of sweat as well and my face gets my face i sweat mostly through my face which is... Which is the worst place. Which is the worst place. Yeah. Everybody can see that. But I don't really sweat from my underarms, though. So, like, people get, like, pits.

I don't... That's nothing. Never happens. It's just all face. All the water comes out of my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also, whenever I perform with my comedy partner, I only wear suits with her on stage. Oh, right, right, right. And so I know we've done months of shows at festivals where it's just soaking through three layers of a suit and then putting it on the next day and doing the same thing.

But see, that's the thing is last night you said like, oh, I'm super sweaty and stuff. I didn't notice it until you said it. And then I was like, oh, yeah, he's super sweaty. I think at the early show, I was think oh at the early show i was pretty sweaty at the early show late show i wasn't sometimes i sweat it out like you lose all your sweat yeah i'm just drinking alcohol and like then i'm just dehydrated so there's no more sweat to come out that's what i'll try and do i'll try and dry out i'm gonna be drinking a bunch of vodka before going on stage oh the best is afterwards

if someone's like hey can i get a picture with you yeah and you're just like i'm really wet yeah um now you just moved to los angeles so is that like sweat sweat town no because what's weird about los angeles is it's like mostly no it's kind of cold most of the time. Really? Not cold. I'm from New York City, so I know what cold is. I understand cold. But it's like, you expect it to be hot all the time. Yeah. And the majority of the time it's in like the 60s.

And when you're trying to think, when you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt, you're just cold all the time. It's my fault for wearing shorts and a t-shirt, I guess,'s 60 degrees out yeah oh wait what's 60 60 would be in the high teens 15 20 15 or 16 20 see like that to me too hot yeah already too hot 20 that's impossible how's anybody surviving that kind of heat um because then you meet people that are like from ari Arizona or something And you're like, what the hell? That's really hot down there Like, what do you do?

What are some other hot places? The center of the earth Okay, yeah The sun Volcanoes Absolutely Volcano town Like two blankets

Yeah Oh, man Yeah Like a hotel lobby that has a fireplace. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. That would be hot. I can't turn the heat off in my hotel room, so I'm just naked the whole time with big

windows, because I don't know how to make it cooler. Hello, everybody. Yeah. There must be a thermostat. You should call that a thermostat. There is. There is. And I just keep turning it off, and it doesn't affect the heat oh wow yeah oh so that's just a uh it's a placebo yeah it's a

placebo make me think also it just says 10 20 30 so it doesn't make any sense to me and i'm like all of this is below freezing um now this is your first time ever coming to vancouver yes this is your first time ever in canada. Is this your first time ever in Canada? No, I've been to Canada a lot. I've been to Montreal a bunch for the Comedy Festival and Toronto as well. And I think Vancouver, I mean, Toronto and Montreal are the only places. I think of any guest we've ever had, you're doing the most. Without breaking the conversation.

Take off a sweater. Take off a sweater. You've been opening and closing your bottle of water. And you were just cleaning glasses. Take it off your headphones. I take this time for me time. This is how I get stuff done. I want to see you start folding laundry.

Clipping coupons. Yeah. I can't remember what I was asking yeah you've you've been to canada before you've been to canada before yeah i've been a bit but only on the east coast yeah what is this shirt that you've taken off a shirt and now you have a shirt underneath that looks like it's a dog's face oh yeah it's a dog's face i got this i got this at the world's largest truck stop on I-80 in Iowa. What? And it's this giant dog's face. And when I stand up, he really stares into your soul.

Yeah. He stares from your nipples into my soul. He has an eyeball over each nipple, and it's a use of the whole shirt. Yeah. It's a very native shirt. It uses the whole shirt. Every part of it. Every part of the shirt's a dog.

Now, the world's largest truck stop, is it mind-boggling how big it is? You know, it could be bigger. I'll be honest with you. I was like, yeah, pretty big, but I can walk around. Does it have multiple

stores, or is it just one big... Does it only service as monster trucks? It's one big store. And then they have upstairs, they have, you can go to the dentist, you can go see a movie. Oh. You can go. You can get a massage. You can take showers.

All that sort of stuff. And we walked in. It's a free movie theater. What? Yeah. And we just walked in. There was one dude watching um uh rush hour three one guy by himself and i was like this is the creepiest place yeah when you when you said it

was a free movie theater i imagine it was showing like a five minute movie on the history of the truck stop oh no it just shows different movies all day long and then they had this thing there that i will probably regret not purchasing for the rest of my life it was a um pocket knife in the shape of a gun you brought a gun and a knife to a gun fight yeah it was amazing and the size of a gun as well it was a little smaller so it looked even sillier yeah right but it was like you know a handgun and then you'd hit a button and then this knife would come out. Yeah. Would come out of where the bullet would come out of. Oh, I love it. Yeah.

Now come closer so I can stab you. Yeah, I always liked the idea of a switchblade as a kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Butterfly knife, too. Or even one of those cool combs. Yeah. I had one of those combs.

Butterfly knife seems like you would automatically chop off a finger just opening it, right? I don't think I would know how to. Oh, is that the one you said? I've played with one before. You have not. Yes, I have. What? Guys, I've got, I play with Chinese stars.

I've played with it all. You name it. If a 14-year-old likes it, I've played with it. Yeah, I think they're made so that you don't cut your fingers off okay maybe i don't know i'm not sure about that um this world's biggest truck stop fascinates me because there must be kids that grew up somewhere nearby that that's like their mall right oh yeah 100 so they just grew up with like more kind of just trucker... The mall would always be filled with truckers, right? Yeah.

That'd be weird. And also, I don't know why, but a bunch of truck stops in that part of the country had a lot of figurines. Okay. Like collectible figurines, and they would all be of a type. And the one that I saw that was the most confusing to me was there was like, I'm talking hundreds of little figurines of just white people who have no faces wearing blue jeans doing things. Blue jeans and white t-shirts with no faces, like holding hands or going swimming

or like holding each other or kissing. It was the weirdest thing. I don't know why they had no faces and their blue jeans and white t-shirts. So you can picture yourself in the figurine. Are you supposed to paint the face? I don't know. It was just like, look like all Cobra Commando.

And you like, I guess people collect these. I mean, the suggestion was that they do. I don't know who does. Does anyone... Like, when I was growing up, old people had collections of these sorts of things. Yeah, the Humboldts.

Is it... Or Hummel. Hummel? Is it Hummel? Hummel. Humboldt is up here. What is Humboldt? It's a town in California.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm talking about a different thing. They make knockoff Hummel figures. But do people of our generation collect those things when we get older? Or is it just like... Weren't there like little gangster ones? Oh, homies? Yeah, homies.

Homies. Yeah, homies are our Hummel. Or will we just get handed those down from our grandparents? I wonder what else we could collect. My grandmother had a spoon collection. Pokemon? Didn't kids? Yeah, you've got to catch them all. What were the things?

They were like little teddy bears. Oh, Beanie Babies. Beanie Babies. That was a thing. Like crazy people. I think Beanie Babies would come back ironically, right? Yeah. Like with funny mustaches? Yeah. Yeah. like crazy crazy people i think beanie babies would come back ironically right yeah like yeah with funny mustaches yeah yeah and people are ironically trying to cash in on the craze yeah

that was a weird investment it was a weird investment well it worked for it must have worked for somebody else right right exactly so that it could like yeah oh yeah i'm gonna do that too because uh america bear or, that's a super rare bear. But if you think about like... The Bob Dole bear. The investment, like the investment concept of it is that like these are rare and they'll be worth more money. They're things that can be mass produced millions a second. Millions a second.

Like someone can just turn a machine on and all of your things are devalued instantly. Well, like, yeah, what was the thing? I guess that's exactly, it's like the Disney vault. Yeah. When they talk about that. It's like, it's not really a vault. Yeah. And these guys can open it anytime.

It's not like, like Disney struck a deal with the devil and the vault is only open certain times of the year. Okay, we'll take out Peter Pan. I wonder if it's a real vault. Well, they have a picture of it in the commercial. It looks like Mickey's head and it's got... And they mass produce or not mass produce. They limited edition produce videotapes in those weird puffy containers. Oh, yeah.

That you can't fit in with your other tapes. Are there DVDs like that? I wonder i wonder yeah i wonder about these be really nice if it was yeah i'm just really screwing over your collection yeah are there uh digital downloads like that now uh when you uh went to the world's largest truck stop this was on your journey from new york to LA? Yeah. Was there any other like world's largest or roadside attractions that you hit? There was this one place that we went to, which was amazing. It wasn't ironic or anything. I just really enjoyed it. It was in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

And it was this place. It was like natural springs that came out of a mountain. It was like natural springs that came out of a mountain. And then some weird, crazy millionaire had made it into like the most beautiful system of pools, like going from hottest to coldest down at the bottom. Oh, cool. And it was just 10 bucks and you would just go and go into like hot, natural spring water and like swim around. And that was pretty awesome. That was like my favorite part of the trip, hands down.

Oh, and then also we went to this fucking cave in utah oh man i had to do i had to do shows i had to do shows at salt lake city and so my girlfriend was like hey there's this amazing cave like 20 minutes away do you want to go i'm like sure so we go we drive out to this like national park and this yeah and supposed to be a really great cave and the cave was totally amazing but it's a mile and a half up a side of a mountain so you have to hike a mile and a half oh right okay and so it takes you like it can't be mile and no it's a mile and a half trail mile and a half up is in space i wasn't gonna say anything I was like holy shit It's a mile and a half It's taller than Mount Everest right?

Probably So it's not a mile and a half But it's a mile and a half hike And it's probably like a bunch of feet And so it's fucking exhausting To get up there It's like a really long hike But everyone in Utah

Because it's a bunch of Mormons they just all have their kids with them and like people start having kids at a young age and then simply don't stop having kids and they just bring their kids with them everywhere because they're young and fucking stupid anyway and so all of these people brought tiny children like between the ages of three and five to the top of this mountain i don't even there was no handrails it was the most dangerous hike i've ever been on you could just fall off the side of this mountain and then there's all these children and so we go into this fucking cave with 12 children under the age of five years old wow and the only rule inside the cave is that you can't touch anything it's like the worst place to bring a fucking four-year-old they're gonna they don't

even start making memories until five so why the fuck are they at this cave and they screamed just constantly for the 25 minute okay that had some crazy echo it ruined the whole thing it echoed I'm not going to say he was the ringleader but he was like an asshole his name was Kale which is like you piece of shit parents naming your kid Kale

like his brother's collared greens and mustard and Kale would just wait for everything to get quiet he would raise his hand and then the park ranger would call on him and he would just scream as loud as he could multiple times we kept falling for it we kept falling for it and then he would in the in the fucking cave it was a nightmare but the park ranger kept falling for it yeah okay kale you have a question you just screamed oh no it's like the story of the boy who cried atrociously yeah now like

is the is the thing in the town is it like come see our cave like is that it's part of like the the park the park is like this is and also the cave was if those kids weren't there it would have been magical yeah amazing really impressive it has stalactites oh so many yeah it has stuff that looked like vaginas it had stuff it was designed by h.r keegar oh yeah it really everything for some reason too looked like food in some way like i, that looked like bacon. That looks like ice cream. And you wanted to lick everything. Oh, that's why they put up the don't touch anything sign. Does it make you hallucinate?

Is there some gas that's given off? It's like, you see food? No, but all of the names that they have, like the people who do spelunking or whatever, all their names are food-based. Like, when you get there, there's a connection between caves and food that has not been explored enough.

What do you mean? They're like, watch out for the bacon rock? Yes. No, no. Really? One part of the rock is called a bacon. They're these pieces of whatever rock that come down wavy like that. They look exactly like bacon. Then there's these other little weird stalactites that are called popcorn.

I don't know what those look like. There's other things that are called ice cream like they definitely have a food connection that's fun isn't that weird yeah well i mean they had to right like either you'd have to name it something super scientific or something fun yeah or something fun yeah but the amount that the fun thing goes right to food i think there's a weird connection in our brains that like we want to eat rocks i don't know guys let me go out on a brains that like, we want to eat rocks. I don't know, guys. Let me go out on a limb here. Yeah, yeah.

We want to eat rocks. It's scientifically proven. Yeah, that's why we have pop rocks. That's why we're like... Gob sours. Isn't there... There's other like, crystal-y things that we eat. Crystal light. Yep.

Yeah. That weird deodorant crystal. I told you we used one of those, right? We eat that all the time. Yeah, yeah, Yep. Yeah. That weird deodorant crystal. I told you we used one of those, right? We had that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That deodorant crystal, that is 100%. We had one when I was a kid. That's terrible.

Really? It took a while to break in. Yeah. Because what you're doing, you're just shoving dirt up into your pores so it doesn't sweat. Well, it's more like salt. It's more like you're putting a giant salt lick in but it is it's jagged yeah and then eventually it softens after enough rubs it sort of conforms to your piet but it's like when i saw it i was like this is it for me man crystal crystal deodorant yes harnessing the power of the crystal for our own uses?

And then it was just the biggest... Not just for dreaming anymore. I think it even, if anything, I think it may have opened up the pores just to allow more sweat through. I don't think it did any of the things it was supposed to do. Was it just a salt? I don't think it was salt, but it was

probably not far off. Like it was just like a hunk of something that they pulled out of the ocean or something. Like silica or something. Yeah, maybe. So maybe like make things dry. But I don't know. Look, we had it when I was eight. I didn't have the greatest need for deodorant.

And it was my sister's. And so I was just like using her which now it's sounds gross to use something else someone puts in their armpit but i had it for the thing is like you could use it every day and have it for years like you would have to then pass it down that's what we could pass down to the next generation a crazy crystal deodorant it's an heirloom deodorant. Have you been to any other biggest things, either of you, in the world?

I've been to tons of them. Oh, really? Like what? Canada's got a lot of them, like the world's biggest nickel and the world's biggest hockey stick and the world's biggest lobster statue and the world's biggest channel catfish is in Selkirk, Manitoba. Wait, what?

The world's biggest catfish is in a channel? No, the world's big, I guess there are catfish and then channel catfish. Oh, channel catfish. Yeah. I know very little about catfish, but I know that I've seen the world's largest channel catfish, and it's in Selkirk, Manitoba. Is it dead? Or is it a carving? It's a carving, yeah.

That's when they say it's the world's largest lobster or whatever. It's like a big lobster statue. I mean, the world's biggest truck stop is a real truck stop. It's a real truck stop. It's not a carving of a truck stop. But that world's biggest nickel, right? It's in Ontario. It's not legal tender, yeah. It's not, well, it looks like a nickel

but like the story behind it is the guy who built it like the town didn't want it at all. And he like, he and his buddy were like, well, we're making it. And then the town didn't want it. And then a farmer who owned this plot of land was like,

you can put your giant nickel on my land and it was like the highest point in the town so it like looked down and now that's what the town is famous for is like is it sudbury ontario sudbury yeah home of the world's giant sudbury yeah i've been to the world's second largest ikea where stockholm sweden wow oh where's the first biggest somewhere in russia although now there might be a bigger one in china oh sure yeah uh but uh yeah it was it was very large very impressive how many floors uh oh eight or nine oh yeah what eight or nine yeah it was like wow i've only seen one with two floors. Yeah, exactly. It wasn't the widest.

I mean, maybe it was an eight or nine. It was five or six. Would you say it went a mile up? I felt like it walked a mile. A mile and a half. We're definitely into space. It's hard to breathe up in this game. It had multiple restaurants.

Oh, wow. All Ikea. Yeah. All Ikea restaurants. We have meatballs. Yeah. We also have meatballs. But yeah, no.

Wow. I recommend it. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, not a heck of a lot. What? Graham's preparing to go away in January? Yeah, which may or may not happen

I'm supposed to go to London But the booker That I've booked through Did not book any work for me Oh, you're kidding So I may have to Enjoy beautiful January Here in Vancouver.

One of the nicest times of year to be here. We're pre-taping a few episodes ahead, just in case. We last recorded on Wednesday. Not a ton has happened. Yesterday was

Buy Nothing Day. It was also Black Friday. How are those two things? That's not a... No, I thought today was Buy Nothing Day. Oh, really? Yeah, I think they have Black Friday and then Buy Nothing Day. Because they're realistic about it?

Yeah. Oh, no, actually, you know what? Saturday is supposed to be like Buy at Tiny Stores Day. Oh, to support your local businesses. Oh, not literally. Buy at Tiny Store? No, buy at... Like like someplace that's really narrow. One customer at a time, please.

It's a closet. It's the world's smallest truck stop. Yeah. It's actually something, it's located inside the world's largest truck stop. The world's tiniest truck stop. Well, you know what the buy nothing day people really aren't on their game wasn't that adbusters it was adbusters it used to be adbusters yeah they they start they started it right all right yeah they started it um yeah well i guess i

don't know if i bought anything or if i i bought some gum yesterday so i bought oh i bought just buying a movie ticket count buy nothing man yeah you have to pre-buy your movies i bought i bought food i bought food yeah i bought food as well but like isn't that doesn't that uh the whole thing if you're like oh i'm not gonna buy anything tomorrow so i'll buy all my stuff yeah yeah isn't that the whole undoing? Well, wasn't there a few years ago there was like a plan like, everybody don't buy gas on this one day. And this one, if we don't buy gas on one day,

it'll have a ripple effect and it'll make the price of gas around the world go down. But then everyone was like, but what if I need gas? Should I just buy it the day before? Yeah. Yeah, and then there was obviously probably people who was like, but what if I need gas? Should I just buy it the day before? Yeah. Yeah. And then there was obviously probably people who were like, oh, there's not going to be any lineups at the gas station. It's going to be great.

I mean, there's not usually lineups. See, I don't drive. You're the only time you view lineups. Yeah. Are there not, dude? Sometimes you have to wait. Post-Hurricane Sandy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. We're all, dude? Sometimes you have to wait. Post-Hurricane Sandy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah. We're all on the same page. So, yeah. Didn't buy anything. The other thing that's been going on.

What is your least favorite genre of movies? Ooh. I think maybe Merchant. Oh, Merchant Ivory. Yeah, Merchant Ivory. Yeah, Merchant Ivory. Is that like period piece? That's like Howard's End and Remains of the Dead. That's exactly what I was going to say.

Like anything that's kind of Victorian England. Oh, you stinker. Yeah, I think I agree with you. Let's get obsessed with the weird idiosyncrasies of an old culture. Yeah. And always the rich half of the culture. Yeah, always the rich half. Oh, it must have been so hard to be the only people

who didn't smell like garbage all the time. Yeah. Who didn't just eat one onion and beer for dinner. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, it's a lot of navel-gazing in those films. I think, well, let's see if that's true, if it's the real least favorite. Well, mine is Westerns. Oh, okay.

I walked in and you're watching a John Wayne movie. Well, that's why I bring it up, is I've never... I always just assumed I hated Westerns. Right. And we were eating oatmeal this morning that's a very western kind of and uh the movie uh space cowboys was on it's not a western but as it sounded as we were eating it uh a guy barfed and it looked exactly like oatmeal and so we're like okay let's change it and we we put it on uh the last 20 minutes of this movie called McClintock.

Yep. Which is John Wayne. And I think the reason I didn't think I would like Western movies is because sort of from the same old timey reason you don't like Merchant Ivory. Like, I don't relate with these people. Yeah. And everything's so dusty. Yeah. Makes me's so dusty. Yeah. That's true.

Makes me uncomfortable to watch it. Just think about the sweeping you'd have to do. Oh, yeah. And all the, like, everything's sun bleached. Oh, yeah. And they're not very nice to those locals. And they're blankets. But here's a question, though, for you.

Have you ever seen Deadwood? Yeah. Now that, you enjoyed that, didn't you? Yeah, I did. I couldn't really follow it very well. Oh, no? A lot of that language was like, it was like Shakespearean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And not just the C word, which isn't quite Shakespearean. But this last 20 minutes of this movie, McClintock, has everything you need out of a Western movie. Oh, sure. And it's reprehensible. I looked at the little description of the movie on the TV and it said, a cattle rancher is... Threatened by something. Threatened by his divorce uh divorce happy wife

wow and so the last 20 minutes is him chasing around uh his uh his wife and she is uh the whole town is chasing her around they're watching him chase her around but it's like what it's like a lynch mob they're all supposed to be a comedy? I don't know. But she's running. Her dress gets caught on stuff. She's running around in her underwear, which is old-timey underwear, so it's barely. But it's like, this is getting a little take back the night. And the town is hunting her down. She falls in one of those horse... Classic. Oh, yeah.

...trough things. I don't even think the horses used those. They were just for falling in. They were just for falling in, yeah. He kicks in a door. He kicks over a table. Yep. She falls in some hay.

She falls through a window. You know what I do have, though, an obsession about Westerns like that is that I want to know, I want to taste whatever that is in the bottle at the, like, the one bottle at the bar. Oh, the, like, crazy. With the X's on it. I want to taste that.

Is it, like, it's probably iced tea. Delicious iced tea. It's that color, right? Yeah. Yeah, but it is, it's the one that, like, you know, can bring you back from the dead and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, bring me the bottle. And it's the only thing that they have.

It's the one bottle they have. Yeah. Always. And there's a drunk guy who's stumbling around, but like middle of the day, stumbling around like actor drunk. You know what I mean? Like if you're stumbling around that much,

you should just lie down. There's this one actor that he, like I think that was his whole thing. He was kind of the oaf character, and he was in about, like, 50 different Westerns, and he had, like, a crazy voice like this. And that's the only character he played was, like, the oafish. I think in one movie he was the sheriff that was, like, scared of everything. Okay, sure. But he was in the 50s um in the same yeah

same era as john wayne uh kind of like the black puss he was he straddled kind of the black and white and the color era but he was like this big fat rosa parks yeah and his voice was he had this crazy voice yeah i know the one do you know who I'm talking about? I don't know. But he was, like, alive into old age, right? Yeah, yeah. And he was in, sort of, in the movies in the 80s as well. He may have been.

He just had this crazy voice, and he was always, like, if ever, like, a character had, like, just made dinner, he'd be like, well, I'm here anyways. He was like a human cactus yeah he was really shitty he was the shitty old dumb guy in the old west and think about that guy like that guy never no one ever we don't know his name now but he probably had like a pretty cool life yeah yeah he was in he was the sheriff in the movie the man Who Shot Liberty Valance. So he was like the cowardly sheriff that let Liberty Valance run the town. And I think the other reason I don't like these movies is because, I mean, I don't like old movies in general. Also, if you ever look through a Leonard Maltin book of all the movies ever made, all these movies before 1960 get five stars.

Well, I can see it. I mean, you have to watch them with the... Because the acting is crazy. Everything's super theater style. So it's very like... But sometimes like Rolling Stone will review albums that they gave reviews to 20 years ago and review them again. Oh. But movie places don't, or movie whatever, publications don't go and re-review a movie from the 40s. Guess what? It stinks now.

Because also it was so much younger. You know, it was an art form that just hadn't existed yet For very long People were The first movie where there was a train coming at the The camera People ran out of the theater The train was in black and white

And it is like And there was a piano playing, train noises It was also like People would faint during movies Like during Kingong or something yeah people would just like pass out freak out but that was because they had an onion and a beer for dinner but i feel like i i don't know there's nothing is there anything equivalent to that where like it's something that's just entertainment but our dumb minds can't

get get around it so we like magic eye yeah magic eyes probably our closest people remember in the early 90s when people would just freak out looking at a magic guy oh yeah it had to be institutional i don't think i've ever seen one i mean like i've never actually seen through it oh really oh yeah it just always was i would try for so long. My girlfriend recently was like, oh, yeah, man, I do those great. She tried to tell me that she had a specific skill that allowed her to see magic eyes really fast. Yeah, I went to the doctor and they said I have a particular type of brain.

Yeah. I nailed those. I need to update my resume. Special skills. Do you like old movies? Where do you stand on old-timey films? I can get into them. Because I do like, I think it's almost like

you have to reset your brain to be in a slower time. Yeah. And when you do that, then there's some, you know, it's actually a really cool feeling when you finish film you kind of feel like you read an important book or something yeah yeah i do feel like whenever uh i see something that's like one of the greats yeah like all right well that's over with yeah i did it i never have to see the maltese falcon again, that's the thing. Like in the, I think when I was in college, in high school even, I loved that shit. Because I thought like in my head, I was like, this is better.

This is better than what we have now. Yeah. And now I'm like, I'm not so sure it's better. It was just before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just prior. Part of the evolution. Every year at the Oscars, they do like, let's look back at punches in movies.

Let's look back at the best close-ups on tires ever. I'm always like, ooh, I gotta see these movies. And then I don't. Yeah. So yeah. That's what's been going on with me.

I watched 20 minutes of a Western. How about you? Ooh, are those mashed potatoes? That guy is the greatest. There's no as good guy that plays the

same character in every movie now. Danny Trejo? Oh yeah, Danny Trejo's pretty good. What have I done? Oh, here's a thing

that the other day, I can't remember how this started, but you know sometimes you watch a YouTube video, and then you're like, I'll watch the suggested one that YouTube says I might also like. And then 20 minutes later, you're like, What happened? Yeah, where am I?

How did I get here? I always get into GoPro movies at that point. Have you ever watched those? No, what's that? The little cameras? The little cameras. There's like surfing ones. They do like base jumping with them.

It's just pornography for like, you know, weird shit. And I just watch. I'll watch this for like an hour. What is it like you, it's a tiny camera? It's a tiny camera to like mount on helmets or like some people hold them above their head while they do crazy things like jump out of an airplane with skis on

land on a mountain, start skiing, jump off another cliff, and then to open a parachute and then go into a crowd of people. Open a bag of Doritos. Yeah, it's the craziest shit ever. Those are the ones I get stuck in. There have been a lot of videos of, a bird stole my GoPro, and so it'll be like, but I got it back. Really? Someone will post a video idea a bird who comes along picks up and then you just see literally the bird's foot

view i just i watched a uh a seagull people went swimming there and they had left burger king a full bag of burger king on the beach oh man it was but it was inside their bag the bird walked up looked in the bag pulled the back the bag of burger it was but it was inside their bag the bird walked up looked in the bag pulled the back the bag of bird king out grabbed it by the bottom dumped everything out then opened up the chicken sandwich that was wrapped up grabbed it and then flew away with a full chicken sandwich all before the people could run out of the ocean to their bag it It was amazing. What you can do! Were they watching it happen? They were like, no! And it's a seagull who can't wing his flight ratio.

That chicken sandwich weighs as much as him. So he's having a real tough time getting off the ground with it. And other birds start attacking him. But I mean, he got the... Yeah, I hope he gets it to himself. I hate when you feed birds and then uh you you're you know every day when you go out and you feed birds

you know yeah you really intend on this runty guy getting some yeah and then someone else comes over literally swoops in that seagull's a real champ yeah so we cut you off yeah oh no yeah it was exactly that i started watching one thing and then I started watching this whole series of, like, I can't remember the first one I watched, but it was like a boyfriend pranking his girlfriend. Oh, that's a good way to score points. Yeah, like, I watched one, and I was like, ugh, that seemed kind of cruel. But then I was like, oh, wait, there's a following one where she pranks him. And then I ended up watching, like, 20, 25 of them. And the pranks were, some i ended up watching like 20 25 of them and the pranks were some of them were

great uh they had multiple levels like this person will do this and then when they go to get water this water is going to be filled with vinegar so it was like uh the guy made her a sandwich right and instead of guacamole it was all wasabi and so she took a bite and then she's like oh i need water and he had put vinegar in a bottle of water and then she spat a bite and then she's like oh i need water and he had put vinegar in a bottle of water and then she spat that out and then she ran over to the sink and he had put tape over the sink so when she turned on the sink the water flashed into her face so great that's amazing how did you film it like by hand they know they all uh they hide the cameras around the house and they do these and they're like escalating some of them are very like emotionally uh seem like they've got a real toll to them there's the greatest one she did on him

was she pretended that she took his philadelphia flyers uh tickets and threw them in the fireplace and he was like he wasn't buying it he was like nah there's no way this is a prank and then she's like okay you got me and she hands him the tickets but prank. And then she's like, okay, you got me. And she hands him the tickets, but they're fake. And she's like, oh shit, I think I put the real ones in the fireplace. And he got so sad, he like went to his room and started crying. Oh man. You know, my favorite boyfriend, girlfriend pranks are on narcoleptics. Have you ever seen those?

No. and girlfriend pranks are on narcoleptics have you ever seen those no so apparently a bunch of people have this thing where they their narcolepsy is cued to anxiety and stress so if you just scare them they just fall asleep like those fainting goats yeah like the fainting well the fainting goats they're just their body just lock up yeah you know and they just fall over i love those but they just go straight to sleep and it's the best it's like it'll literally be like a girl just, like, hanging out watching TV or chatting, and then somebody goes, blah, and she just goes, boom. It's really the best. If you're narcoleptic, are you allowed to drive?

No. Oh. Yeah, not at all. Oh, okay. Have you seen the narcoleptic dog? He has the same thing where he gets excited, he falls asleep. Oh, I have. And dogs are constantly getting excited.

That's true. A dog can't go through a day without falling asleep 18, 20 times. Just him, she's like, come on up on the bed, come up on the bed. She's just patting on the bed for him to jump up, and then he just falls over. Oh, man. It is so so funny it's so cute and yeah a little bit tragic tragic a little bit tragic i mean he's got a fine life he's a fucking yeah he's great this uh yeah but anyways i've never seen anything like that before i've i'd seen things where it was like a prank where the boyfriend did on the girlfriend i like, I don't understand how

a girl would stay in that relationship. But this seems to be the core of this couple's relationship. Is that they just prank each other and put sand in each other's food. Stuff like that. But anyways,

yeah, I guess it just reaffirmed my faith in relationships and how great they can be for everyone. I remember the first time anyone introduced the concept of April Fool's Day to me, my brother kept threatening that he was going to suck my blood, which was more of a Halloween thing. Yeah. Also. Weird. Very weird.

Definitely not a prank. He kept saying he wanted to fatten me up so he could eat me anyway and then my sister uh put uh salt on my cereal instead of sugar yeah well that that just ruined my cereal yeah and she didn't even videotape it for my enjoyment yeah with an enormous video camera from 1986 yeah exactly it's hidden inside this giant moose head uh so yeah that's all i did in the last um let's say 48 hours sure oh but man i feel like i'm in it with this couple now like i feel like uh like i know these two oh yeah and like what what prank ratios

they have and you know what the thing would really piss her off and what really anger that guy yeah and you're gonna follow along with the couple i hope so i hope we grow old together yeah i hope i hope when we're all old man they're still pranking what if they break up would you be would are you emotionally invested yeah like that's the thing is I hope that there isn't, I hope that if they break up, it isn't because of a prank, but I hope that it is a prank on their larger audience. Like, nah, we just, we're still together. Nobody else could tolerate our shitty attitudes. Anyways, do you want to move on to Overheards?

Yep. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got to do some more.

Take care of business. That music, of course, means it's not quite time for overheards. Don't panic. It's time for a bit of business. This week, our show is sponsored by the folks at Stack Soap. And it's not that many folks. It's a small enterprise. It's a startup.

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It smells good too Yeah it's a great stocking stuffer. Yeah. Plenty of time before Christmas. Get someone a half dozen soaps. Oh, I thought it just meant you put it in your sock so your feet don't smell. Like, it's just a good thing to stuff into your socks. I guess so.

You could stuff that in your sock. You stuff it in your sock. And you know what? You could stuff it inside if you're in prison and use it as a weapon. Oh, absolutely. Does that not leave bruises? Is that're in prison and use it as a weapon. Oh, absolutely. Does that not leave bruises? Is that the thing? That's the key.

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If you would like to advertise on the show, head over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And now for a brief message. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the state and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. Risk is the latest addition to the roster of podcasts at Maximum Fun, and it is jam-packed with unforgettable stuff. Your favorite writers, comedians, even fans like you share X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising Risk can be. Both radio-style stories and stories told at our live shows, you've heard people say, ooh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at Risk, we say screw that. We'll see you next time. Or, of course, just go to Podcast at the iTunes Store and search for Risk.

Risk! Overheard. Overheards. A segment in which people go out in the world using their ears and eyes. Graham, I love these overheards. They are the reason that I get up in the morning. The thing about them that I enjoy the most shut up why don't you because uh before we do overheards i like to bring attention to one of my favorite segments that we do here on the show even though recently i got a

request to never do it again that was one person one voice among thousands that said keep doing this segment which is called called Hulk Hogan News. It's a Hulk Hogan News. It's a Hulk Hogan News. Now, each and every week, I scour the internet, trying to find the most kind of overlooked and interesting news regarding professional wrestler

Hulk Hogan. Oh, is that what he does? Well, he's also an entrepreneur. He owns a shop in Clearwater, Florida. He's also a speedo magnet. Yeah, he is also an entrepreneur. He owns a shop in Clearwater, Florida. Yeah, he's also a speedo magnet. Yeah, he is also a sex machine. But this week, one of the only professional wrestlers that both Dave and I have met in real life, Brett the Hitman Hart, was being interviewed about all things wrestling. uh he straight up dissed hulk hogan

what and i know i thought they were buddies i'm sure that those guys hung out uh but he said uh this is a quote i don't want to rag too much on hulk hogan but he's pretty one-dimensional a very big guy the great magnificent body that he had, the 22-inch arms and all that stuff. But after a while, the ultimate warrior came. It was like, enough of the bodybuilding. Let's go with who can actually do a dropkick and who can actually climb up on top and do stuff. Wow. Wow, that is some inside wrestling.

So far that I feel gross. Like that's that guy's actual opinions. Yeah, but if you saw that sex video, he goes on top of that stuff. Yay! We did it, gang. Oh, yeah. Those 22-inch arms. I wonder, like, as a kid, I never even knew what that was.

I had a 22-inch waist. Yeah. But I didn't know that at the time. He used to call them his two shumkas um but they uh uh i wonder if wrestlers had like uh python envy oh sure absolutely must be yeah taking a shower with hulk hogan oh boy oh he's already got his muscle yeah well the bully it takes him forever to soap up those muscles and when when we met Brett the Hitman Hart, he had like three words for us. He was going on and on about Hulk Hogan. Oh, that's true.

Yeah. But also, the best part is that he called him one-dimensional. He's a fucking professional wrestler. How many dimensions are you expected to have? I mean, you can be... Well, two. Yeah. You can be in movies.

Yeah, absolutely. And you need to talk into a microphone. But you don't necessarily need to be in movies. And Hulk was in four or five. And you didn't have to yell. You could just yell into a microphone and not say anything. You could have your manager do all the talking if you just made a crazy face.

That would be great if there was a wrestler who didn't have grasp of any language but was full of fury yeah you know and just like if nell was a wrestler i like i like the wrestlers where the conceit is that there's some sort of either supernatural being or something that they found, like, in a pit in the desert. Right. And we... And the best use we could think of this person is to turn them into a respite. Yeah. We're not gonna study how they survived

in this crazy climate for so long. No, we're gonna make them fight Doink the Clown. Anyway, so that was some good Hulk Hogan news. I'll keep you guys up to date if Hulk Hogan has any response for Bret the Hitman Hart about

how many dimensions. He has. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Okay, now overheards for real. And we like to start with the guest. Does that work for you? Sure. Alright. I heard a... this was a little while ago i heard a a homeless man in new york city on the subway as a as a woman and her child

were exiting the subway he just leaned into the child and said so specific yeah it's vegetable oil too and i don't know why he's just like the kid it's that kid is never gonna forget that well just i mean the child was small it was in a uh you know a push cart whatever you call those things for children. What are they called? Stroller. Push cart. He was in a shopping cart. Yeah, he was in a wheelbarrow. You know, a hand truck for a child. Yeah, a dolly.

Fantastic. Yeah. Dave? Mine took place last night. I took my wife out for Lebanese food because we love... You know what? We like to something our palate. You like a little meat pie. Exactly.

I want to have... What is Lebanese food? A lot of meat pies. Yeah. You know, like a chicken pot pie. The British and the Lebanese. Meat pies, as far as the eye can see. Lebanese food is like falafel, hummus, this kind of thing.

You're going to get... Chickpea. Chickpea central. If you're going to get a meat, it's probably going to be a lamb. Oh, sure. And so... Delicioso, as they would say. It was a very crowded restaurant, and there was a couple sitting next to us,

and I was sort of like leaning in to um to see if they had anything juicy to say to each other uh and they were so boring uh so this is sort of like a non-overheard because they were just talking about like religion and war but it was like he had stuff to say that i mean sort of everyone knows like he was like you know there are christian people who believe this and uh the u.s army spends this much on their military i mean the u.s army spends all of their money on their military but the u.s government a little bit kept over for birthday cake yeah uh and then i think he maybe noticed me listening in and at one point he stopped talking he looked over at me

and he said let's move our table over really? so they moved their table over two inches it was a crowded restaurant towards you? I think this guy is digging our conversation and then I think Abby and I became sort of like the couple that they decided

to hate oh wow but you were already there you're like i was ready to hit you guys and we were there first and uh when i got there uh they had a special on this lamb thing and so i ordered it and she's like oh it's the last one and then later uh when they actually delivered it the woman sitting next to me was like he got the last one of what i want oh really yeah yes and oh and then uh they finished their meal you guys got in the same cab they finished their meal before us uh because i guess they didn't have the food that they wanted. And so they were going over the desserts that they might have, and one was really big, and the guy in the relationship said to his wife,

hey, maybe we just get the big one, and we leave the leftovers for these guys. Like, we were just the people they chose to hate. That's awesome. That's pretty great. Yeah. We didn't do anything except listen to their boring college conversation about war. I've got, wait, oh, I have an idea for this segment too. So I always get a lot of ideas like as I'm falling asleep.

Yeah. And I had two last night and I don't know what they, I don't remember what they were. Okay. Oh, this is exciting. Oh, do you think we were there? Oh no. Well, this is the first one.

I don't know. I'm going to cut it off if it's terrible or embarrassing. I started feeling bad about my belly and then, um, I was like, this is so unnatural. I'm doing such a terrible thing. And I don't remember monkeys.

Like orangutans and shit. Like, pray me to walk like this. And then walk with my belly out, with my arms hanging down. Like, all the time. And they're fine. They're just eating bananas. So I'm probably doing okay.

I was thinking about how orangutans walk with their belly out and their arms like hanging down those fucking things have bellies we are all out there with our bellies of course we are oh man you are not wrong mostly asleep Kurt they got no

no one's telling them to stand up straight stick their chest out yeah it's true. I don't know. And the women dig it. Yeah, they love it. The women monkeys. Yeah.

The female monkeys. She apes. He ape and she ape. Yeah. That's what they're titles. I like it. Yeah, man. Yeah.

I feel like we just had an overheard from another dimension. Yeah, it's like from your... A dimension that Hulk Hogan doesn't even have. Graham, do you have an overheard? Oh, yeah, I do. I have one from yesterday on the bus. Most of my overheards are bus-based. Yeah.

There was an old guy i think these two old guys that didn't know each other that were sitting across from each other on the bus and they were trying to one-up each other with um old sayings that they thought were humorous okay uh and i don't remember what the the there was one guy that had a big bushy white beard and then another guy who was like bald and wore uh i think it was a seattle mariners cap so seattle mariners guy i didn't hear what his last one was uh but but sorry uh what kind of stuff were that you know like like stuff like uh you know can't can't complain even if i did who would care you know stuff like that like things that old men think are the greatest yeah yeah like old men sayings um you know if you if you don't like the weather wait five minutes right that kind of stuff they are the greatest and then uh the one guy said uh what about uh my get up and go just left and the guy said, God up and went.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like, you fucked up the only good part of it. Yeah, yeah. Might have get up and go. Vamoose. Yeah. Made like a tree and leave.

Left. Even screwed that up. Oh, old men are the greatest. Oh, yeah. They're our greatest resource. I like that they just gravitated towards each other. Like the way if you see someone

with the same shirt or driving the same car, you would wave at them. If two little kids see each other, they just kind of walk up to each other and start talking. It's the same. And these guys were probably the same age. And I bet you that it just started organically. Oh, what year were you born?

Or what's your favorite saying? What's your favorite old man saying? What did you do during the Depression? How much dirt did you eat? Yeah. Now, we also have overheards that are sent in to us via listeners from around the world. And if you want to do the same, you can send them to stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. And this first person, this is Dana N.

From Parts Unknown. This is around Thanksgiving time in the States is when this was sent. So a couple days ago, our time. Weeks ago, listener time. I was at the busy supermarket this morning as i walked out of an aisle i saw a frazzled woman standing over a stroller the reclining kind so the child could not be over one or two years old right as i passed she said in a very serious voice just wait until we get home and all of this dramatic wave of hand over the stroller comes back to haunt you what is she talking about and who is she talking to i know exactly what she means what does she mean the kid's gonna get punished when he gets home yeah oh like you're

gonna all of this action all of this action i'm not gonna beat the shit out of you in public but in private yeah when we get our push cart home um uh you were in canada for american thanksgiving i was yeah do you feel did you miss out on the i was kind of weird it's the first time i haven't been yeah is it it's not a big deal here like it like right you guys have it in october yeah and even then it's not it's not that big like people don't travel home for the like they do in planes, trains, and automobiles. No, that's the one thing I did like about it, avoiding traveling during Thanksgiving. Traveling during Thanksgiving in the States is insane. But coming to Canada on Thanksgiving Day was nobody was anywhere.

Yeah, exactly. It was pretty great. So, yeah, it was weird, but it was fine. Do you want us to cook you a turkey? Yeah, would you? Absolutely. Yeah, bring it tonight to the show. What do you like?

What kind of stuffing? Like something with fruit in it? Like raisins? Do you want oyster stuffing? Oyster, oyster stuffing. Yeah, I want all oyster stuffing. My uncle makes oyster stuffing. No, thank you.

Are you joking? No. No, that's not not nice that's not a thing no i so it's an oyster and bread it's yeah oyster bread maybe some black current it is it's a nightmare whoa yeah what if you just filled a turkey with oysters that would then cook it wouldn't that be great he's awesome he's a german man it would make quite a sound when you first cut into it yeah splurgeurge Everything just slides out on the counter Fucking awful

Yeah, in America Do you go home for Thanksgiving and then go home for Christmas? Yeah That's a lot of plane travel It depends on if you Probably if you're across the country You'd go home for just Christmas That's the more important one Yeah, Christmas is the more important one on if you i mean like if probably if you're across the country you'd go home for just christmas okay

yeah that's the more important one yeah christmas is the more important one it's the birth of our turkey savior yeah yeah um this next one comes from bart m dallas texas uh two teenager teenager girls talking to each other at the shopping center girl one i can't believe you reached into that toilet girl two while he wasn't going to just let your phone stay underwater girl one that was so sweet of you girl two i wouldn't have done it if i known it was just your cell phone case oh what a jerk your friend is Oh my phone Somebody grab it If your phone's in the toilet

It's done I don't think you can come back from that No you totally can What you put it in rice right? Yeah but in a bag of rice Put it inside Oh a bag of rice is a great idea Have you never heard that before?

No I would just leave it out But it's also It's toilet water And maybe matter Oh that's true I mean if there's actual shit in the toilet at that time, maybe not. But if it's an empty toilet. You just flush your toilet.

I have a dog, so I have plastic bags in the pockets of all my jackets because everywhere I go, I might be walking a dog so i have like plastic bags in the pockets of all my jackets because uh every everywhere i go i might be walking a dog and it comes in handy all the time to be like picking up trash off the ground um uh it's it's like having a actually we have some now some uh poop bags that are shaped like oven mitts like they come up half of your arm and they have a thumb in them. Yikes. That's like for... Because they have those for veterinarians that have to stick their hands in cows and stuff. Yeah, we do that.

We do that. Okay. Your dog shitting inside of a cow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gross. This last one comes from two co-workers. This is from Ed in Vancouver. Two co-workers, an older guy and a young woman, were discussing pet rabbits when the following exchange occurred.

Guy, my daughter had a rabbit. I made it a really nice pen in the backyard, but it only lasted about two hours out there. Woman, cheerfully, then it dug under the fence and escaped into the forest. Guy, no, it got eaten by a hawk. Nature. Can't beat it it's just sort of like your seagull story yeah that burger didn't have a chance out in its pen they eat rabbit in like europe right yeah they eat it in north america we eat rabbit here why't there... I feel like that would be good burger meat. Rabbit meat?

Yeah. I guess maybe that you... It's a little gamey. Yeah. And also a cow can just produce so much of it. Right. It would have to be like one whole rabbit. Yeah.

It would make one burger. Yeah. It's not very fictitious. Pretty gross. No, you're right. You guys are right. Let's continue to not eat rabbit. Yeah.

Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave and Graham, this is Greg from Omaha. I was just calling in an overheard. Went to Kansas City to see Superego and stopped at a 7-Eleven. Asked for the show, tickets and provisions, and a girl walked in with her friend and loudly proclaimed to her friend, Girl, I gots to get some cinnamon gum up in this bitch.

And it was awesome. Cinnamon gum up in this bitch? Yeah. I'm a pretty big fan that he's just said provisions. I live in a zombie land. Yeah, yeah. I just got one thing of spaghetti noodles and a gallon of water. I had to get some cinnamon gun.

Cinnamon gun. A cinnamon gun. She seems like she's fun to hang out with. Yeah. Cinnamon gum rations. Yeah, she seems like there's no activity that she would do that she wouldn't make into a big fun gesture. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, just buying gum is pretty boring. She's like, I gotta get some cinnamon gum up in this bitch. Have you had that apple pie flavored gum? You bet I have. No. Is it good? How much do you like apple pie? I love apple pie. How much do you like just the taste of it without having the pie?

Satisfaction. Yeah, without having the pie part. Does it taste a lot like it? Yeah, it tastes like the, you know, whatever they put on apple pie. Cinnamon. Basically, it tastes like cinnamon. Yeah, just the concept. Yeah.

It tastes like your memories of apple pie. Like, if I gave you it and you didn't know what it was, then you might not guess apple pie. Oh, okay. You might just say, oh, it might be like a spice. This is spice gum. That's what's interesting, too, about flavor scientists is that they can now make flavors that don't exist. That are real. Like, we could have a flavor called the industrial age that we don't

even know about yet because we've never eaten it but they it exists somewhere they could put it in gum they could make a chicken sandwich where do these flavor scientists work like food they work at food places yeah yeah yeah i mean like think about like i remember there was a wendy's had a chicken sandwich that they would just you got different a chicken sandwich that they would just, you got a different flavors, chicken sandwich. And they would just take the fried Patty, dip it in the sauce and then like put it on the bun. But it was just a flavor sauce. Whoa.

Yeah. So they can make any flavor they want. I think you're describing all sauces. No, I'm talking about, they're making this shit on a molecular level, man. Well,

there's the, the famous thing. There's a Wiley Duprain up in here. It's like, McDonald's used to make their fries in, it was beef fat was what they fried them in. And then vegetarians got. Yeah, vegetarians got very, all bent out of shape. So they started making them in vegetable oil, but they didn't taste. Yeah, the same. So they had a lab come up with a scent.

Like a Labrador? Yeah, they had a Labrador. It was a chocolate lab. They've got a great sense of smell. Super smart. It was out floating in a lake. The lab jumped out, grabbed it, brought it to shore. But it's the same company that made Ralph Lauren colognes and stuff came up with this stuff

and they just spray the fries with it and it's like a scent. That makes it taste better. Yeah. I mean, think about Juicy Fruit. Juicy Fruit's not a flavor that exists in nature. That's true. And it's delicious. It's a little bit like, oh, what is it?

Dragon Fruit? There's some Asian... When Juicy Fruit was created, Americans didn't know about dragon fruit. No, maybe it's not dragon fruit. Is dragon fruit the one that's like a kiwi? Dragon fruit's the one that's like green and purple and it has all the tendrils at the top. Yeah, it's not that. It's, uh...

Star fruit? Maybe. Maybe that. That's where Starburst came from. Yeah. Star fruit. Next phone call. Hey, stop podcasting yourself.

This is Marty from Gaithersburg, Maryland, and I'm calling in with an overheard sent to me from a friend in California. He was in line at Disneyland, and he's walking in behind a very angry mother and her son, who had been about 9 or 10 years old. So the mom says to the son, What do you see in front of you? And the kid is a little bit bewildered, and he says,

People? And the mom says, Yes. And you will run in front of them, and you will make them trip, and we will lose our house. Do you want to lose our beautiful house? That's thanks a lot yeah losing the house yeah that's such a weird thing to put on a kid yeah because you keep tripping people i know and it's such a it's so many leaps forward in causality to imagine like my actions cause a trip

and they cause a lawsuit and then that lawsuit results in the loss of our house and then we're homeless like especially for a child for a child you're not putting that together it's like don't trip people also that lady has zero confidence in the justice system

that losing her house is the most logical thing that would happen. And like, we're not going to get a good lawyer. Yeah. If you think we're going

to splurge on a lawyer just because you keep tripping people. You know, 30, 90% of all court cases are about children tripping adults.

And then suddenly Disney owns our house. Yeah. And Goofy lives in your room. Yeah. Do you want that? Yes!

Yay! And your final phone call. Yeah. Do you just want to sleep out and camp out every night? Yay! Hi, Dave and Graham, and guest if there is one. This is Tara from Edmonton, and I have a fresh overheard that I just heard taking the bus home from work today. So I was at the bus stop, and there was a man with his maybe seven or eight

year old daughter. And I gleaned from their conversation that she doesn't normally live with him, but is spending the weekend with him, and that tomorrow is her birthday. So what I overheard was he said, and when we get home, you'll see a whole bunch of presents in the living room. And then the girl says, yay. And then he's like, no, wait. They're not for you. And then he lists off who they're for. And he says, and then two of them are for me from you.

And the girl says, what? And he says, yeah. So, I was buying myself some stuff recently. And then I thought to myself no you know what I'll wait and so I wrapped them up and they're gifts for me from my Haley and then the girl is kind of like yay again and then he says so on Christmas day when you're unwrapping your gifts I'll have something to unwrap too And by then I won't Sorry And by then

I won't remember what they are So he said And by then I won't remember what they are Sorry It was hard not to laugh too when I was standing behind them So that was it Bye So the dad is

I'm going to buy them, wrap them, forget what they are And then open them And they'll be from you Yeah I like that he's giving in He's just totally giving in My brain doesn't work well at all anymore Also that the kid can get excited about just about anything

Yay Oh yay Your birthday is coming up tomorrow We got so many presents None are for you Very cruel Oh man That does bring us to the end of the program It's funny though

We often talk about how great kids are With overheards Like they say the darndest things They do say the darndest things There are a lot this time that were adults talking to kids Oh yeah I think it loosens up adults talking to kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think it loosens up adults talking to kids.

They say crazier stuff. Yeah. They're like, you guys say the darndest, so you're going to understand. Yeah. I've got to step my game up. Yeah. I've got to darndest it up. So now we're at the end of the show.

Kurt, if people want to find you online and stuff, like if they want to learn more about you. Yes. See what you're doing. Understand who you are. Where should they go? KurtSquirtComedy.com. I mean, it's also my,

you can also do my name, Kurt Brown, but that's more difficult to spell. So Kurt Squirt Comedy. And Squirt is the conventional? Yep. The conventional. As opposed to, I don't know.

S-K-U-R-T? S-K-W-I-R-T? Yeah. S-K-W-Y. Yeah. My last name is too hard for some people to spell that. Kurt Squirt is spelled... S-Q-R-R-R.

And you're on Twitter and do you have any upcoming dates when will this air this will be about the 10th of December 10th of December I'll just have been in Arlington, Virginia how was it

we went really at Arlington Draft House did you visit Lincoln's grave yeah visit Lincoln's grave? I don't know. Yeah, visited Lincoln's grave. Kennedy's grave? Is there a famous graveyard in Arlington? Yeah, Arlington Cemetery.

Yeah. No, I won't have gone there. Okay. And then I think after that, opening for the Hold Steady in Boston and in Montclair, New Jersey for New Year's Eve. Wow. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah, it'll be really fun. Nice. Thank you so much for New Year's Eve. Wow. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah, it'll be really fun.

Nice. Thank you so much for being a guest. Thank you, guys. It's a real treat. Oh, yeah. Dave, do you have anything to plug? You know, Christmas is coming. Don't forget to tip your garbage man.

Absolutely. That's a good call. Mail carrier as well. Yeah. You know what? Different strokes, different folks. Oh, yeah. Garbage man person.

Uh-huh. Yeah, they could be garbage women. Yeah, I guess tip your male carrier. You know what? I don't see either of them. What do you think? Send a bottle of booze to your dentist? Oh, jeez, no.

No? Okay, all right. You don't want them all boozed up? No, it's too far ahead. I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, I understand. I have things for sale at beardpaintings.com. If you want to go and buy it, that's a perfect gift.

That is a conversation piece. Do you paint with your beard? I do, yeah. You do? Yeah. And then I sell them and I give the money to various charities. Oh, my God. Beards for kids.

That was an idea that I had pitched for Bunk. Really? Which was beard painting. So everyone would put on a fake beard and then they would have to paint something really quickly and then explain it. And then it got mistranslated in my pitch. And what it ended up being was, it never made its air but people we would put people would put beards on made of tape like double-sided tape and then they would have to quickly stick things to their face to make a beard with a specific theme that's pretty good yeah that's

both are good yeah um well we were at uh the max fun con convention in the Poconos last month, Graham gave a tutorial on beard painting and he brought a bunch of fake beards for people to wear. Oh, that's great. For the lady folk. Yeah, yeah. That's very cool. The regular man folk. Yeah, the regular shorn folk. But beardpaintings.com, there'll

be paintings for sale, you know, for the loved one in your life. That's a great idea. And if you like the show, head over to the blog, recap at maximumfun.org, pictures and videos relating to the content of this here episode, maybe a picture of the world's largest truck stop. Yeah, maybe one of those prank videos. Oh, yeah.

That couple's great. They're going to prank their kids so much. they're going to prank their kids so much. And if you want to get in touch with us, it's Stop Podcasting Yourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328. And head over to iTunes and leave a review if you like the show. And come on back next week for another episode

of Stop Podcasting Yourself. I have a great idea for that couple. This would be the ultimate prank. Are you ready? Yeah. Because you said kids? Yeah. when they're because you said kids yeah when they're trying to have kids are they both white people yes then he gets a hold of some black sperm and then inseminates her without her knowledge and then the black baby That would be the best prank ever for that couple.

It would be so much easier for her to do that. I didn't even think about that. Thank you.