Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 249 - Alicia Tobin

Episode Date: December 20, 2012

Alicia Tobin returns for our Christmas episode in which we talk about our top Christmas movies and foods, Alicia's fractured shoulder, and then exchange gifts. Also, we're the worst.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 249 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, a holiday spectacular. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-ring-a-ring-a-ring. Poof, poof, poof, poof.

Boinga, boinga. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is the happiest little caroler on earth mr dave shumka a wassailing i go wassailing and wrassling a fattened goose for all y'all if you haven't got a hay penny then gby and our guest today uh a long time fan favorite podcast podcast favorite, really funny comedian. Personal favorite. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Personal favorite, friend of the prime minister.

No. Leader of numerous special interest groups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lobbyist. Lobbyist. Rapporteur. Doorman. Dormant. Yeah. Superintendent. Superintendent. Super dependent. Yeah. Lobbyist Door man Door mat

Super dependent Super dependent Super elite Killer elite Killer elite The killers Front man Hi Alicia Tobin

Hi bumpers Hello Thank you for being our guest Thanks for having me. I love you guys. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. You celebrate Kwanzaa.

And? And New Year's. And Hanukkah. We are recording this a few days before the drop date, which is the 25th of December. And we're also recording this in the temporary studio, which is a bit reverb-y. Echo-y. Yeah. It overlooks Times Square.

Yep. And we're in- We're ready. Studio City, Hollywood, overlooking Times Square. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. How's everything going, Alicia? Guys, everything is great.

Stop talking like you're promoting a hip-hop film. She was gesturing a lot. How are you doing, Alicia? Welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I love the carpet in this room. Yeah, it's very lush. People at home, it is a dove gray. Okay is that's not what does like like dove soap oh yeah absolutely yeah that fell down behind the gym shower yeah yeah um uh so what else is going on well uh dave's already annoyed and I'm not even sure why.

Oh, because it's the holiday, hustle and bustle. Oh, that's right, yeah. I was in line all night trying to get a Furby. Yeah. This is, right now is like the first 20 minutes of Home Alone, where everything's crazy. Oh, they're trying to get organized for the holiday. Someone's ordering pizza. No one's paying the pizza guy.

Someone drank the last Pepsi. I don't really remember the beginning of that movie. You haven't seen Home Alone? No, I'm just kidding. It's like the highest grossing Christmas movie of all time. I'm going to say yes. What's your favorite Christmas movie of all time?

It's a good Christmas special. Yeah, probably the one with the That's a good Christmas special. Yeah. Probably the one with the BB gun. The Christmas story. Okay. That's, I think. Did you know that they made a second version of that in Jane Stanton, local comedians in it? Yeah, they shot it here in Vancouver.

Yeah. I'm really looking forward to renting that. Is it out yet? Really? It's out. You guys want to come over and watch it? Yeah. Okay.

Only if Jane's in the room in character. She does not want... Yep, we can work it out. What does she play in it? A woman in a shoe store, I think. Funny. Shoe store woman. You're gonna buy some shoes.

I don't love that movie as much as everyone else seems to. Me either. What, The Christmas Story? Yeah. I don't love that movie as much as everyone else seems to. Me either. Oh, what? The Christmas story? Yeah. It used to be one of those things, you know, like when you had a favorite band or album that not that many people had heard of. Oh, okay.

It used to be one of those things. Nobody had really seen it. And then I think with the advent of, like, Advent Calendars. Yeah, sure. The 24 Days of Christmas movies. Yeah. I feel it was TBS maybe that ended up playing it 24 hours straight of just a Christmas story. It's like the Christmas log, the Christmas fire.

Yeah, that everybody all of a sudden knew it. And now it's not as fun anymore. Oh, no, also Christmas Vacation. Yeah. Oh, they play the- That's an excellent choice. The S word out of that. What do you like Christmas-wise?

Well, when we were in New York, did you remember, do you remember that we had a fight in the street? No, we saw that there was a Christmas story musical, or play. I don't know if it's a musical or not. Yeah, but it had the fancy

leg lamp. Yeah, it's going to be the leg lamp, it's going to be the eye shooting out, little orphan Annie. It's got a lot of touchstones. Oh, absolutely. Shoot your eye out, kid. Racism? There's some racism in that. The tongue stuck to the pole.

Oh, yeah. Sid Farkas? Sure. He was the bully? Scott Farkas? Maybe it's Scott Farkas. Yeah, he had gross teeth. I like the part of that movie when they get the lamp and it says, oh, it's Italian. It's fragile. Yeah, fragile. Yeah, it's fragile.

What about you, Alicia? You asked the question. Now answer it. My favorite one is the one with Rudolph, the claymation one. Oh, Frosty the Snowman. Yeah, that one's my favorite. Frosty the Snowman. Yeah.

That one's my favorite. Rasty the Snowman. Yeah. That one's my favorite, and I do, I love Christmas Vacation. That's a tradition in the Tobin household or before that was broken up by divorce. The real Christmas Vacation. Our favorite was Christmas Vacation, and I do love Elf. Like, I can't not watch it. Elf. Elf. Elf.

What? A-L-F. Alien Life Force. Alien Life Force Alien Life Force Yeah I like if I This is a good time So what's new with me? Yeah

Well Graham already spilled the beans I fell down the stairs a month ago and I fractured a bone in my arm Oh yeah I forgot about that

Like an old woman But you're When an old woman suffers that the death is not far away. It's true. The tiny death. Yeah. The petit mort.

Look it up, kids. You're going to learn about something. So, yeah, that's kind of fun. What's fun about it? Did you take full advantage of having a broken arm? Did you get people to spoon feed you soup? Not much. Did you have people open doors for you?

No, I'm not really like that. The first few days I was... Well, maybe... Your friend Graham helped you out apparently? He helped me a lot. He was with me at the hospital the whole time. But you also like to tell people that you fell down the stairs so you could get attention. Yeah, it's a bit of sympathy.

Nice once in a while. I like to show people my bruises, but they're gone now. But I can show you photos on my phone. Was your arm ever in a sling? Twas. Her ass was also in a sling. Was it because of the captain? Captain's going to have your ass in a sling. It was in a sling? Twas. Her ass was also in a sling. Was it because of the captain? Captain's gonna have your ass in a sling.

Was it in a sling? Did he have you hand in your sidearm badge? Had to hand it in, guys. How long was it in a slink for? It was in a slink for just a... Is it a sling or a slink? A slink. Yeah, because you fall down stairs.

She made a slinkity sound slink. Yeah, because you fall down stairs. She made a slinkity sound. Oh, marvelous. So I was in a slink for a few days. Just a few days? Well, I could leave it on or take it off, but I heard that you could get a frozen shoulder if you leave it in the slink for too long. Oh, is that permanent?

It could be. Pro show? Pro show could end up being semi-permanent. Really? Betting right now you you've got full range of motion. Pretty much, yo. Yeah, you're back on top. Yeah, back on top. First physios on Friday. That's really good.

Yeah, congrats. My chair is quite creaky. I apologize. It's your butt. Yeah. Your butt's all creaky. Had you ever broken anything before? Was it like broken? Like the bone got through the skin? No, it's all creaky. Had you ever broken anything before? Was it like broken?

Like the bone got through the skin? No, it's just a fracture. I don't know what that means. I've never broken anything. It's cracked. Oh, there's just like a crack in it. Like an egg. Like a butt.

Like a butt crack. Well, they showed you, like we went in, looked at the x-rays. Like they actually took x-rays. X-rays. at the x-rays like they actually took x-rays and then i'm not sure why they showed it to us like because it's not like uh like where you circle the photo and go that one yeah yeah oh they always do that yeah but it's we you know she goes see there's like this little chip here on the bone we're like i don't know yeah yeah can you show me a healthy bone yeah yeah like it looked the whole time i was completely distracted because for some reason in this x-ray my armpit

fat showed up in the x-ray so she's showing me the fractured bone which i've been waiting for hours to find out about but i'm just so distracted about this pouch of fat in my armpit which i spend my whole life trying to hide from people yeah i mean you're not doing a good job we're all talking about it i know and then i didn't think graham noticed and then afterwards i was like i guess that's a fat pouch in my armpit he's like yeah i totally saw that i was like fuck that's all i really remember just cover it with hair i just cover it with t-shirts and shirts okay and don't uh you know talk about it remember the guy that was there he was a real baby but he was like an adult guy who fell on his butt yeah oh yeah and his sexy older girlfriend they're like an older couple yeah but she was she was much younger than him

no he she was not yeah you were a terrible judge of age no well he was ancient he looked like less nesman and she looked like He was about 45 and she was exactly 45. 45? No way. He just had gray hair. Can we just move on from how much you hate this man? Also he broke his butt by falling off. Did he ever touch a gray? Well, it seems like we'll

never come to a conclusion about how old this couple was. I would like to apologize for our listeners who don't care. There's no way he was 45. He was 60 if he was a 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you seriously have a question? No, I just want Graham to stop talking.

This is a... I feel like this might be a weird episode. You said that already. No, no, no. Just because it is Christmassy, This is a... I feel like this might be a weird episode. You said that already. No, no, no. Just because it is Christmassy, we're releasing it on Christmas Day or thereabouts. I'm ready for this holiday to be over. But by the time people listen to it, it'll probably be afterwards. So I wonder if they'll think, if they'll be all confused, what is this Christmas?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, here, the thing is, if you're listening to this, this means that, hey, we all survived the apocalypse, right? Didn't happen. So put your money back in the bank. Return those guns that you bought. Oh, my God. The gun store near your house was packed the other day. Yeah, Graham told me.

You saw that, too? Line up around the block. Why? They had a porta potty put out there because there were so many people. I could have used that. Yeah. No, I was filled with gun nuts. Yeah.

They did shooting. Yeah. We don't have a firing range, so just please shoot into the porta potty. Into the toilet. Okay, Dan. Right? Yeah. No, this is the biggest gun sale of the year.

At that tiny, reliable gun store. Yeah, it's reliable. Yeah, no, it was the biggest gun sale of the year. At that tiny, reliable gun store. Yeah, it's reliable. Well, apparently so. They had bouncers. Yeah. Weren't carrying guns. But were. Handsome.

They were bringing knives to a gun fight. I feel like we've been over this. Now, what are your favorite Christmas treats? My favorite Christmas treats are shortbread cookies Yeah? Yeah, shortbread cookies, hands down Are you a shortbread cookie? No, I hate them

Yeah, me too What a waste When you could be eating gingerbread cookies Second favorite First favorite Second captain, first pick Did you ever, either of you, was it ever a tradition Either in school or whatever to make a gingerbread house?

Nope. Or a house made of graham crackers? That's a distant second. No. No? Well, yeah, the graham cracker was a, yeah, I've seen that done. Yeah. It's disappointing.

You basically put icing on a milk carton. Yeah. And then stick it to the side. Well, I was in Whole Foods the other day. And I had been to another grocery store before where the bakery had pre-made gingerbread men with the icing on them. And I was like, oh, I'll just get one of these and eat it. And I did. And it was great.

Good story. Whole Foods. I was in Whole Foods. And I saw, oh, they have gingerbread houses. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, if they have gingerbread houses, they got to have gingerbread men. And I spent like 10 minutes wandering the bakery department looking for gingerbread men. And they didn't have any. So I got a gingerbread house and I took it up to the counter and it was a bit broken.

And the guy was like, oh, this one's broken. Do you want to get another? And I was like, no, I'm just going to the counter and it was a bit broken. And the guy was like, oh, this one's broken. Do you want to get another? And I was like, no, I'm just going to eat it in the car. Question. Yeah. Did any of that happen? Part of it. What a liar.

Would a... I considered buying it, but I held off. Yeah. You're waiting for the 26th. Yeah, exactly. Boxingth yeah exactly boxing day special um would uh gingerbread madman be a big seller yeah i think so is that how is that not a meme right you imagine the john ham one they did they did a madman well you're just thinking of his wiener i know that is what you're thinking of though right no when No. When you said the Jon Hamm one

you were thinking about his wiener. I was thinking you would probably need three legs for a gingerbread. See? I'm so sorry

to Jon Hamm's girlfriend and to Jon Hamm for saying that. She's fine. But seriously, gingerbread madmen. How is that not a thing? They did a gingerbread peeps

like marshmallow peeps a few years ago. Sorry, not a gingerbread peeps. Ginger peeps a few years ago i'm sorry not gingerbread gingerbread shut up shut up shut up shut up uh they did a mad men peeps mad men uh easter peeps marshmallow peeps okay a few years ago out of gingerbread um yeah maybe this year they'll do like well I mean by the time this episode comes out they will have done like a Game of Thrones a Gingerbread Game of Thrones

oh sure or what's new and hot Gingerbread Veep Gingerbread Veep the walking gingerbread no that's not bad the walking bread yeah the walking bread

oh my god that's done it's a done deal yeah we really trademarked oh man put it in an envelope and help yourself yeah Yeah, the walking bread! Oh my god! That's done, that's a done deal. Yeah, we really... Trademarked. Oh man. Put it in an envelope and help yourself.

Yeah, that's... I always liked that that would be like irrefutable proof in court. Well... Yeah, and sealed. Your Honor, there's no way we could have sealed this envelope with any kind of conventional glue. It obviously was sealed on the date. But it's a postmark. Oh, and then you have to...

But you could have a... Theoretically, a postmark. You could steam it open and un-steam it. Un-steam it. Re-glue it. Put in the pilot episode of Veep. Steam it. Seal it.

Why didn't I pick something more profitable? You put in a show that was canceled, Missy? Pan Am? Remember that Dane Cook one that didn't even make the air? Oh, so funny. Didn't even know. And they won't even air the episodes? No, yeah, they shot six episodes.

They won't air them because they're so unfunny, which is unheard of. That they would shoot that many episodes and not just air them to fill time. Was it a comedy? Yeah. No, it's a murder mystery. He plays the

world's hottest detective. He strangled him to death with his super tight pants. He's the new narrator on planet Earth and it's not funny. Whoa, and then check out this penguin she's like i don't know how he sounds these days i uh was watching a smash mouth video the other day and there was a clip in it from the movie mystery men oh and dame cook is in Mystery Man. Yeah, he's the waffler. Did you just know that? No, but I did know that it's a cool place.

And they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now. Wait till you get older. It's Rockstar, isn't it? Yeah. No, I remember I rewatched that video like a year ago for no reason. No, for a reason. It's a great song.

Great video. Lots of memories. Yeah. No. for a reason. It's a great song. Great video. Lots of memories. Yeah. No, yeah. Great work. Merry Christmas, Smash Mouth, and they put out a holiday album? I guarantee you they have.

They must have done some kind of holiday cover song. The lead singer is putting out a book, a cookbook with Guy Fieri. No, he's not. Okay, fine. This sounds like a Christmas prank. No, he's not. Okay, fine. This sounds like a Christmas prank. Nope, it's coming out January 13th. I'm chasing an interview. Oh, wow! Really? Yeah. What is the... besides the fact that they are the same

man? The lead singer of Smash Mouth has lost an immense amount of weight. I don't know about immense. But he looks great, and his cookbook is going to be just disgusting Guy Fieri-style food. I think Sammy know about a mince. But he looks great and his cookbook is going to be just disgusting Guy Fieri style food. I think Sammy Hagar is also involved. It's just like sweaty blonde dudes.

Sammy Hagar has expressed interest in the project. Yeah, it's the round-faced red-faced round-faced cookbook. Round-faced rounders. So what else is going on? I got some bangs. Yeah! I cut my hair I got some bangs I cut my hair I got a professional cut my hair and cut bangs into it

and that was really exciting how long has that been going on? for three days now how many of them from where I'm I think your hair's been sort of pulled back a bit by your headphones so it looks like you have a bang.

Yeah, yeah. You've got a bit of a Superman swirl. Yeah, that's natural. Yeah, it's perfectly natural. Yeah, it looks great. Nothing to be ashamed of. How have you been... I feel like this is something women...

Women are different from men. Wait, where do they stand on toilet seat being up? Oh, brother. But is this something that you've been thinking about for months? For years and years. Years. And then every time I get my haircut, I say, may I please have bangs this time?

And my hairdresser says, no. How come? Because I have curly hair, and she didn't think that I would take care of them. And you're like, I'll walk them, and I'll wash them. Yeah. Please, I promise. them and you're like i'll walk them and i'll wash them yeah please i promise um or you could just say i will make another appointment with you in four days if it doesn't work out yeah that's true this could all work to your event your hairdresser is vidal sessu yeah now oh is it is his policy

that if you don't look good he don't look good? Yeah. Sure. Fun. Great. The bangs look great. Thank you. You've had them three days. Are you taking good care of them? Really good care of them, guys. Have you taken them out for walks?

Yeah. What is needed? They got wet. I was going from having a gizmo to a gremlin. You can't ever get your hair wet? What about feeding them after a minute? Yeah, do you need to use like a powder shampoo, a dry shampoo? Well, I can wash my hair and then dry the bangs part straight.

What do you mean? I'll explain later. Oh, okay. I'm trying to do a diagram. What do you mean dry them straight? Do you use a flat iron? Yeah, I have to flat iron them. As soon as you get out of the shower?

No, as soon as they're dry. Okay, all right. They can be a bit damp, I think? Yeah, I have to flat iron them. As soon as you get out of the shower? No, as soon as they're dry. You can be a bit damp, I think. Yeah, I guess. What brand flat iron do you use? It's called the Sun Tachi. It's from Korea. Oh, my. Gangnam style. Dong, dong, dong, dong. Never heard it. You haven't heard Gangnam style?

No. How do you think it sounds that was your approximation do it wow it's not far off like kind of a western no

yeah that's it yeah oh I yeah no that's what you were doing yeah

well all songs sound like that to me. Okay. Yeah. Sing your favorite Christmas carol in that. I don't know what to say right now. I'm gonna cry because you think I'm racist. But I never saw that one.

How did you avoid it? I don't really. Oh, you've been saying off the internet. Yeah. Yeah. I don't watch a lot of television that isn't planned. I just watch the shows that I like to watch. I have a lot of unplanned television.

And it's a lot of mouths to feed. Sometimes I do have unplanned television. I watch The Mistress. What's that? What is that? It's an awful reality show about mistresses in vancouver what that seems like the last thing you would want for a second i thought you meant escort but a mistress is like a woman the other woman yeah the other but how is that a real that's fake then though right because they

can no guy would be like oh yeah we should be on that show it's just the woman do you ever see the guys uh they're blurred out they're like oh really yeah because they always break up with them yeah oh wow they always break up with them at granville island it's weird oh that's fun because then you can go get one of those good hot dogs i wonder what the top breakup spots are what hot dogs graham they got the there's the hot dog place that's down by uh the soup place kitty corner to the soup place in the market that's a hamburger place oh no no hot dogs i don't think it's a hot dog place yeah yeah yeah hot dogs okay well let's move along no let's agree to disagree because yeah yeah hot

dog isn't a great argument well but it's a hot dog place it's not a hamburger place i worked there for six years i know and i can't believe you're getting this wrong it's a hot dog place. It's not a hamburger place. I worked there for six years. I know, and I can't believe you're getting this wrong. No, it's a soup place. There's a pie place. Yeah, and then straight across from the pie place is a hot dog place. No, no, no. That is the hamburger place.

They have hot dogs. Guys, I hate to burden you with the fact that we're doing this show. But that went on far too long. I tried to make him stop. I know, right? You tried to make me stop by saying that you were right. I tried to make you stop.

Well, I'm glad I fixed it. Guys, but we're talking about mistresses getting broken up with at Gravel Island. What do you think are the best places to break up? In life? Yeah. Or in Vancouver? Well, I mean, I think in life. I think in the desert.

Okay. Is good. Nobody's around to hear you scream. No one's around to remember your name. Yeah. Oh, space is another one. Are you breaking up with a cactus? I'm breaking up with somebody because I found out she was a murderer.

Okay. So. So you're driving away from her in the desert yeah yeah like but i don't uh i don't want to do it in a public place because she'll murder everybody yeah yeah they say to do it usually in a restaurant or something but she's opposite oh a restaurant seems like a bad idea unless it's a mcdonald's everybody's day is already down the road anyway but like if you do it in a restaurant, you have to pick what course to do it. You can't do it while the waiter is telling you the specials. You slip the waiter an extra $20 to put a note in her dessert that says,

we're breaking up. You slip the waiter an extra $20 to give her a ring box. We're done inside. She thinks you're getting married. At the end of the meal, you get all the waiters together to sing a breakup song. Like Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake. We are never, ever, ever. Oh, that's a better one. Yeah.

I don't know where would be good i think probably some place that you guys both really cherish yeah sure the old swing yeah the church that you met at um the place that you both killed that guy we're in this together we might as well start dating yeah exactly yeah do you like movies not really i wish i could kill you too and you need to find a different accomplice to kill you the good news is i found an accomplice i'm moving on the bad news is I'm killing you. That could be a sitcom on, you know, FX. Yeah.

Edgy. Yeah. What about you? Where would you break up with a woman? Like a well. If one of us is in a well. It's done. Yeah.

Like, even if I'm the one breaking up and I'm in the well, I'm like, hey, we're breaking up. Send help. I would probably, no, it's a bad idea, right? I found this frog. I'm going to stay with this frog. i'm the one breaking up and i'm in the well i'm like hey we're breaking up send help i mean i would probably no it's a bad idea right i found this frog i'm gonna stay with this frog yeah as well there's someone else or something else i'm hoping that if i kiss this frog it'll turn into a beautiful princess that how it works yeah yeah yeah i don't know if they should do they did it like i know where the best place is to break out. Okay.

A dance club. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Because then he can still hook up later. Yeah. With some floozy. Did you just do the finger going in the A-okay? Yeah.

Okay. Meaning that break up is A-okay. Yeah, yeah. I think a dance club is as good as any place, because then at least you're out, you're having fun. And they're loud, so nobody's going to hear you. Does one of you then, can you both stay in the dance club, or does the breaker-upper have to leave? You have to have one last dance.

Oh, really? Yeah. To save it. The last dance. Yeah, that's when you slip the DJ $ twenty dollars when you slip the dj a roofie and he passes out on the the records the record table and then yeah and then you say this is why we can't have nice things yeah the dj spins um yeah dj spins that's a good name for a DJ. That's as good as any. Um, now, uh, we, this is our Christmas episode.

Yeah. And we are very much in the spirit of the season. How so? La la la la la. Um, but, uh, we semi-organized, what we usually do every year is Graham and I, uh, do a Secret Santa exchange. Yeah. Uh, but we don't involve the guest and we think it's really funny, uh, because who else could we have for Secret Santa but each exchange. Yeah. But we don't involve the guest, and we think it's really funny, because who else could we have for Secret Santa but each other?

Yeah. And do you remember any of the gifts you've gotten? I remember last year you got me the script for Seabiscuit. Yeah. There was a watch at some point. Oh, I bought you a weird watch. Yeah, a weird watch. With the Haitian dictator Papa Doc Duvalier on it.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And at one point we gave to charities in each other's name. I gave to the Geena Davis Foundation. And I gave to the Ludacris Foundation. And the Geena Davis one. Big Arms Foundation. Yeah. And the Geena Davis one was to get more roles for little girls on television, not for women, just for... Yeah, that's right.

Really? Yeah. That's why it became the Suite Life for Zack and Cody and Jeanette. And girls. Yeah. That's why they did a baby version of girls. Girl babies. Yeah.

So, this year, you're involved. But, we also didn't coordinate. Yeah.

One of us stopped replying to texts. Alaysia. So, we didn't get... It was Graham. It was Graham.

They were at Christmas every Friday. You were right about the hamburgers. Or the hot dogs. I wasn't paying attention. Yeah, it's called the Market Grill. Yeah, the grill hot dogs, too.

Is there a chance you're both right? Yeah, absolutely. I conceded that they're... It's not known for its hot dogs. Oh, man. Oh, man. Orange Julius isn't known for its hot dogs, but it still sells them. Thank you.

Case closed, Your Honor. You're both right, but it still sells them. Thank you. Case closed, Your Honor. You're both right, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Just leave it. Yeah. Let's all leave it. Let's go to Gravel Island tomorrow and enjoy ourselves a hot dog. On Boxing Day?

Oh, yeah, right. And so I intended for this to be like one of those swap things where, because the gifts that I bought weren't for anyone in specific. Or anyone specific. But then, somebody bought two gifts. So, I don't know. I guess you go first, Graham?

Sure. Okay, so Graham is giving... Okay, I'm going to give this present to Alicia. Okay, I'm going to describe it. The one that's wrapped. It's a ball-shaped thing wrapped in newspaper. With an elastic.

With an elastic band. This is very environmentally friendly. No tape was wasted. This paper, I already read it. So it's already done. And then, yeah. Oh, I didn't get a chance to read it, can I get the paper? yeah absolutely, the paper is I think it's the horoscope or

where the hookers advertise it's the back of the paper it isn't, it is actually the index I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by this transsexual can we stop arguing? I don't know that we can.

It's making me uncomfortable. Okay, I'm opening it. Okay. Oh, convincing. Yeah. It's a sound studio. I'm punching a lettuce. No, I saw this.

It's the worst thing I've ever seen. I can't believe you bought it for me. I saw it when I was with you. I hate it so much. It's a Vaseline Christmas ornament. It's got three different kinds of Vaseline in it. What kind are they? Chipotle?

Chipotle? Chipotle, miso, and original. For the home listener, it's not Vaseline lotion. It's Vaseline petroleum jelly. Yeah, yeah. And there's three tiny little, you know, the traditional package with the blue top. There's three of them, and one of them is cocoa butter. And the other two are original.

Original, yeah. And it's like a frosty globe. And it's real. It's real stuff, man. Of course. Do you use Vaseline? God no, it's a petroleum product. Yeah, aren't you supposed to not use it especially for sex?

I use it on my teeth before... Yeah, pageants. So thank you yeah you happy holidays you can whip them at cars i remember showing you this and making that barf noise that i made yeah and then you right away were like i'm getting that for her what is that barf noise again oh yeah or what's the word that you say lash lash um there was this The other thing that I was gonna buy, but they didn't have it at this particular drugstore, is they have these

combs for old people that have these huge long handles on them. Like the handles are like two feet long. For their pubic hair. No, it's not for pubic hair. But it's for old people that can't lift their arms up so that they comb their hair from waist level.

Oh, man. You could have benefited from that when you only had one arm. I have to say the most difficult thing was bathing, which I insist on doing daily. Did you empathize with the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard during that period? More than ever before. So pretty good. Yeah. That's great. Thank you so much. So pretty good. Yeah. Right?

That's great. Thank you so much. So how does this work? Do you give me the next thing? Or, you know, what do you go? And then I'll reveal the other thing. So. I guess give.

No, I guess you have to give me something. Give something to Dave. Give Corey and the other thing. This is what I call be the coolest kid at the party pack. Oh, man. Awesome. This is a lot of stuff. It's in a Santa Claus bag.

Some Vancouver Canucks socks. Ooh, Dave loves that. Remember those guys? Dave loves both of the things involved in that. Socks. Vancouver. Some Girl Guide cookies. Yum.

Yeah, yeah. Imagine you showed up at a party wearing those socks with those cookies. They're the mint flavored ones So delicious Are they called thin mints? I don't know Here they're just called chocolatey mint cookies Or discreet chocolat a l'amour

Weren't they called like peppermint patties? Oh no that's Peppermint patties That's a cartoon lesbian Why do we have to fight she says That's why Oh yeah so you can be like a cartoon lesbian. Why do we have to fight, she says. That's why. Oh, yeah, so you can be like, Oh, you want...

Juicy fruit flavored lip balm in the shape of... A gum. Of the gum. It's the only rectangular lip balm. A rectangular lip balm. Wow. Yeah, crazy, right?

Yeah. Get your skis shined up. Take a sniff. Pull it out. Is this a bald wig? No, it's elf ears. Yeah, because you're going to be Get your skis shined up. Take a sniff, pull it out. Is this a bald wig? No, it's elf ears. Yeah, because you're going to be the coolest guy at the Christmas party. I considered getting a bald wig.

These are $100 bill Kleenexes? Kleenex? Well, no, they're napkins. So you can be like, people will think you're really rich and you can just wipe your brow with money. Yeah. And throw it away.

So you'd be there. Thank you. $100 bills, y'all. And glow sticks. These are glow sticks. There's red and green ones. And more glow sticks. Because it's Christmas.

Oh, for Christmas. Yeah. And finally, a candied necklace. Nice. Cool guy party pack. Yeah, you'd be the coolest. You're still pretty cool with your Christmas ornament. You've got the greasiest lips at the party.

I feel like these are... I'm going to give my gift. It's from J.Crew? It's not from J.Crew. It's in a J.Crew bag. It's a lobster shirt from J.Crew. What's a lobster shirt? I had this really nice lobster shirt in the summer.

How? Describe. That doesn't tell me what a lobster shirt is. This is a t-shirt with a lobster on it. Well, mine has three things, but I feel like Elyse has gotten screwed so far. Yeah. Well, give it to her. No, no.

Give it to Graham. Give like Santa, but give like Scrooge. All right, well, here, Graham, and Alicia, you actually might not be able to enjoy all of these. I'll just hand this to you, then, Graham. Okay, and I will... Oh, awesome.

Betty and Veronica comic book. It's the one where they meet Lady Gaga. What the shit? Yeah. Wow. Which one is Betty and which one is Gaga? Actually, awesome. Betty and Veronica comic book. It's the one where they meet Lady Gaga. What the shit? Yeah. Wow. Which one is Betty and which one is Gaga? I don't actually know. Because the cover has two of them on it.

Yeah, exactly. The one on the left is Betty, right? I don't know. Fuck me. Read and find out. Why are you swearing? Oh, because I'm excited. That's Veronica.

That's Betty. Before you go on, I went to a comic shop to buy that. Really? Yeah. And I felt quite embarrassed. There's legitimate nerds buying $50 worth of comics at a time. And I'm timidly like, I'm getting this Betty and Veronica. They had a Garfield magazine.

Wow. Garfmag. They had a Garfield magazine. Wow. Garfmag. How much like that horrible show Comic Book Man is an actual comic book store? It was similar in that I was only in there for about two minutes before I changed the channel on my life. This is nice.

And that's the thing is it should be noted this isn't a double digest. This isn't the small typical Archie size. This is a full-size comic book. It is gorgeous. It's a collector's item. They said, do you want $25 for a bag and board? And I said, shove it up your ass. $0.25. Sorry. $25.

Seems excessive. Bag and board? That's something that they offer. Oh, yeah. $0.25. I excessive. Bag and board? Like, that's something that they offer? Oh, yeah. 25 cents. I bet that they're losing money on that. Bag and board? Yeah. I don't think so.

Maybe on the labor of assembling bags to boards. They're mostly losing money. It's always one of their hairs, isn't it? On personalized hockey jerseys. Right? That's a Kevin Smith thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That says podcast or something on it.

He's one of our finest podcasters. He really is. Now, I believe there's a coupon book here. Yeah. I'm going to hand that to Alicia to describe. So it is a clearly homemade book.

I'll have you know I did it at work. It says, sexy coupons from Dave Crossed Out Secret Santa. Good for zero back rubs. Good for a million back rubs. Expires November 2012. There's a lot of coupons in there. Present this coupon and I'll tell you that I had a dream about you last night.

And you were committing genocide and it was just horrible. This coupon entitles you to the least valuable thing in my wallet at any given time. Where's your wallet? Give me the coupon. Oh, this is fun. The least

valuable thing in my wallet. Oh, that would be so great if there was another coupon there oh man um let's see uh i mean these are all so funny the uh the peace of mind is uh that i have from you know having a bcaa card is probably probably the least expensive thing i can give you a photo of my wife. I'll take it. Or, I need that receipt to get my drawing clean.

How about this? It's a gift card to the alibi room. I don't want it. I don't want it. Trust me, you don't want anything in my wallet. Yeah, there you go. $25? Is this still good? You're up money. Okay, present this coupon and I'll my wallet. Yeah, there you go. $25? Hey, you're up. Is this still good?

You're up money. Okay, present this coupon and I'll ask you if you got a new haircut. No? Well, you're doing something right. But you did get a new haircut. Present this coupon and I'll pick you up or drop you off sometime in the next decade. Decade. But I get to choose when.

And then I ask you for the coupon. Present this coupon and I'll stop for 10 seconds and think about you for a change. This is a magic coupon that makes you not have any allergies for 24 hours. Oh, I want that one. Try it. The other one's the best one. What's the other one? You can't have it. She's tearing something out, weirdly.

This is the allergy one, right? Thank you. This coupon looks like a wiener. That's the entire coupon. Present this coupon and I'll tell you how much better looking you are than a dead celebrity of your choice. Of your choice.

You can save these for throughout the podcast if you want to. Oh, man. If it starts to drag and you want. Okay, I'm going to save the last,

they're all, they're all great. The best coupons I've ever had. Okay, well. And the final thing in the bag is fudge-covered

Ritz crackers. Wow. Yeah, right? Weird. Those sound delicious. They sort of do.. Yeah, right? Weird. Those sound delicious. They sort of do. Limited edition, I'll say. They're not cheese Ritz, right?

No, they're chocolate over cheese Ritz. Yeah, isn't it? Isn't that what Ritz is? It's a ween album. They're chocolate covered jalapeno Ritz. Yeah. It's weird. Has that ever been a thing where you put dip a Ritz in chocolate?

No, it hasn't. Like a chocolate-covered pretzel or something like that? Yeah, yeah. I like Ritz. I like chocolate. Just give them back to Dave. I'm probably going to get them. Oh, yeah.

Dave? I mean, they probably have gluten, so you're out. You're out. Yeah, they definitely have gluten. Why don't you take in the coupon book? I'll take the Betty and Veronica comment. And give Dave the... And Dave gets the fudge covered. But, they definitely have gluten. Why don't you take in the coupon book? I'll take the Betty and Veronica. And give Dave the... And Dave gets the fudge covered.

But he also gets cookies then. And a cool guy party pack. Oh, man. And whatever Graham still has to give him. Yeah, Dave made off like a bandit. Feel free to steal anything from the cool guy party pack. I'm gonna. Those socks.

Because you know what? Oh, I really want Dave to have those. Okay, Dave, you can have the socks. I won't wear them. He's a big sex fan. Okay, I really want Dave to have those. Okay, Dave, you can have the socks. I won't wear them. Okay, I've got to go home. Now, I believe there's just one more thing to be given, and it's given to me.

Yeah, you and Mr. Greedy. It's not something that's present here physically, but what I got for you is a 12-month subscription. This is not in the $20 limit. It's not that far out. 12-month subscription to Flex Magazine. Magazine for bodybuilders. Be delivered to your house for the next 12 months.

It was worth it, right? But I don't want it. No, you can't avoid it. Yeah, you can't avoid it. And it will have your name on it. Is it possible to just stop? I have neighbors. I don't want this.

Yeah, I know. That's why it's going to be delivered to the front door. They're going to keep looking for you to get bigger and more muscular. Oh, man. I went to the magazine aisle and I was thinking what magazine would be hilarious to get a subscription to. And Flex really was the funniest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to get you a subscription to Playgirl, but that's not a physical magazine anymore. It's just a men's Borna site. Oh, okay. Yeah. Men for men. Designed by men.

Okay. So interesting. By the men, for the men, of the men. Yeah, exactly. Well, guys, this has been great so far. It's been absolutely totes great. We should probably move on to Overheard. Sure.

Okay. Overheard. Overheards. Now, overheards are things when you go out. Now, Graham, shut up. I need you to wrap your mouth in swaddling bands and lay it in a manger. I need you to make like a creature and not stir even a mouse. I need you to use your frankincense.

I need you to... Shush your face. Murder it up. I'm looking for a silent night here, Graham. For serious. Still a noct. Heilig a noct. Because, oh, Tannenbaum,

I bring you glad tidings of great joy. It is Celebrity Birthdays Christmas Edition for Unto Us a Child is Born. Wonderful Counselor, etc. Now, these are Celebrity Birthdays being celebrated on December 25th, Christmas Day. What day is it today? You there, young boy, what day is this? It's Dum Dum Day. Why, it's your future.

You're still dead, Mr. Scrooge. What day is it today? Why, it's the birthday of pop singer Dido. She's 41 today. Don't let me get me nope i'm my own worst enemy um she sang that one from the eminem song tears or something don't rewind hey dear eminem my name is stan i'm gonna this. I'm writing it all down. My name is Dido. I'm going to sing like this one. I'm not dead at all. Hey, Eminem. It's me, Stan.

You notice that nobody writes letters anymore? And I don't wear a shirt. Because it's not so bad. It's not so bad. Dido. Happy 41st birthday. Fido Dido. Seven ups. Fido Dido. Fido. Seven ups. Fido Dido.

Also celebrating a celebrity birthday today. Oh, I hope I don't get interrupted before I do anything. I don't think you will because there has been no news in the world of Hulk Hogan. We covered a lot of it in previous weeks. Oh, man. It's a Christmas miracle. Ho, ho, Hulk. Well, happy celebrity birthday to friend of the show,

trance DJ Armin van Buuren is 36 today. 36 years young. Drop the beat and blow out the cake. A-V-B. Big happy birthday to Survivor star Boston Rob Mariano is 37 today. Really? 37? That's old. I mean, sure, it's older than a Chelsea Handler.

Happy birthday to political wunderkind and son of former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, Justin Trudeau is 41 today. He shares his birthday with Dido. Yeah, same birthday. He looks young, eh? Do you think he looks older than 41? Do you think that I look younger? Yeah. Yes.

How old do you guys think I look? 22. I knew you on the way in. Because this is a 21 and over pause? Yeah. Yes. How old do you guys think I look? 22. We were going to ID you on the way in. Because this is a 21 and over pop. Yeah. Happy birthday to retired baseball player Ricky Henderson is 54. He's my favorite. He used to play for the Boston Orioles.

Yep. Happy birthday to black velvet the Boston Orioles. Happy birthday to black velvet singer Alana Miles. No, she's 50? 62? In between those numbers. I know she's older. I was just

Googling her. For your new line of black velvet. She's 54. Wow. She's really talented. For your new line of black velvet. She's 54. Oh, wow. She's really talented. She really screwed up her back by going to the chiropractor too much.

Oh, no. Yeah. Really? That's what black velvet's about. She was on... Black velvet, oh, my back is super sore. A new religion. I'll bring you to your knees. Ow, my back.

Oh, no. She was on that show, Cover Me Canada, which was the talent show for people doing cover songs. And she came on and she had like two crutches that she had to have at all times because she was like visited the chiropractor 800 times or something. People can get addicted to things like, I'm surprised. I feel good. Let's stop. Oh wow. And of course, big happy celebrity

birthday to the reason for this season, our lord and savior, pop singer Annie Lennox. 58. Let's sing an Annie Lennox song. Cause I feel just like I'm walking on broken glass.

Walking on, walking on broken glass. Now, I don't think we've mentioned this yet on the show that we in the second segment of the show we turned off all the lights. We cracked open all of our glow sticks. And we're turning this into a real Armin van Buuren style rave.

I'm kind of shocked at how much light these radiate because I'm holding my hand about six inches away from my face and it's got like green glow on it. Don't you dare. I was going to save this one. I had one more glow stick left, and I left it on the floor, and I picked it up, and I accidentally snapped it.

It's been a while since I've... It's been a while since we raved, guys. Yeah, I haven't snapped a glow stick since I was maybe 10. Oh. But didn't you... You had these... These were out in forest at your wedding.

Oh, I didn't bring them. But did you get to snap any? I don't remember the glow sticks. It was my wedding. They were snapped for me. That's right. You had them designed by an artisanal glow stick maker. Yeah, so just for the home listener,

we're having a very festive rave-style Christmas. Yeah, it's a real Boney M. I always hated the name Boney M. Yeah? Yeah, when I was a kid, I was like, it sounds weird. It does. It's the worst name. Yeah.

But they make the best. Are they a super group that just got together to make a Christmas album? Yeah. Or are they a real group? Oh, I didn't know. I don't know anything about Christmas. Yeah, it was Jeff Boney and M. Lady Marmalade.

Yeah. M, the Madame Butterfly movie with Jeremy Irons. Now, it's really time for overheards, guys. Okay. This has been Celebrity Birthday. Celebrity Birthday. Thank you. Now, with overheards, we like to start with the guest.

Okay. And Alicia, would you please lead the way? All right. So, at work the other day, this man came into the store where I work. I work at an integrated pharmacy so there's So they have blacks and whites? Yeah, I fought against it. Not yet. So we have lots of natural and holistic approaches to healthcare as well as a full pharmacy and this man came in and asked to speak to the manager slash buyer. Obviously he'd been in before

and so when she presented herself he said hi i have the cure for schizophrenia and i would like you to make it for me and she was very very polite i don't quite remember what she said and she's like well how come you haven't made it yourself he says well i cured myself of schizophrenia but now the government's trying to steal it from me oh brother sure yeah that's rough yeah yeah exactly you get that far that's my over yeah that is that is tough man yeah uh i thought that he was gonna be like list off the ingredients no but i can guess what's at in it but i don't want the home listener to steal the ingredients yeah schizophrenia medicine first

of all and mint flavor do you have any of this crystal methamphetamine it was my overhead was the worst. No, it was great. This guy's found the cure for the common skits. Jesus. Now, in a pharmacy, like, as someone who works in a pharmacy, are there products that you know don't work? Especially because you work in one that sort of, like, deals in the holistic side. Yeah, for sure. Like, I think they did a study recently or a couple years ago that airborne stuff doesn't work. Oh, that's interesting.

Before you get a cold. I've seen it there, but I've never used it. It's not a product that I've... There are definitely things that I would say don't work and a lot of them are on Dr. Oz. So people come in and they're like, I would like raspberry ketones. And I was like, well, guess what? What is a raspberry ketones. And I was like, well, guess what?

What is a raspberry ketone? It's a supplement. They're almost always help with weight loss. How do you spell ketones? Q-U-I? Yeah, ketones. Ketones. Dr. Oth.

I've been watching Dr. Mehmet Oth. I was watching Dr. Mammoth. Dr. Oz, I've only seen that show like, let's say, seven times total. And the first couple of times I noticed it. How many times have you watched Dr. Phil? Oh, Dr. Phil I watch all the time. I know. I know. I think Dr. Phil is hilarious.

How about The Doctors? Have you seen that? I can't watch that show. Oh, it's so awful. I don't like any except for The View. I like The View. You hilarious. How about The Doctors? Have you seen that? I can't watch that show. Oh, it's so awful. I don't like any... They're too good looking. Except for The View. I like The View.

You learn a lot on The View. But Dr. Oz, like, I thought it was just a phase he was going through where he, everything had to have, like, a model or a demo. You know what I mean? Like, and then I thought, oh, that was just, like, a thing they were doing to make it more palatable for TV. But then I thought oh that was just like a thing they were doing to make it more palatable for TV but then I watched it recently and that's all he does is he'll go

just to show you how much insulin you need and then it'll be some crazy diagram this thing was about this is you if you were a bucket full of potatoes yeah if you were made out of feathers we're going to prove were made out of feathers.

Take this many feathers. We're going to prove that a pound of feathers and a pound of lead weigh the same on today's show. Yeah, exactly. Dr. Oz is all alchemy. Anyways. I was for the secret Santa going to bring you guys. There's so many things in the pharmacy that are gross

and then I didn't want you to be stuck with something gross in your house, but you have that magazine coming. I see that not as many people are as thoughtful. How do you, by the way, oh, and I'll let you finish. There's this thing called Microlax, and it's a miniature enema. And it's in the size of something about the size of a chapstick, and you break the top and put it in your butt. Like a glow stick.

Like a glow stick, yeah. And we're wearing them around our necks right now. And it fires some liquid hot burning green liquid into your patoot, etc. But that's basically my job is helping people go to the bathroom. Gross. I had something I was going to ask, but I forget. Dave, do you have an overheard? I do have one of those.

Mine takes place in a grocery store because men be shopping. I was at a grocery store in Yaletown, Vancouver, British Columbia, near my work. And I went, I picked up some things. Yeah.

It's not important what I was shopping for. Micro wax. Yeah, I was buying some $800 olive oil. For your butt. For my wrestling. Actually, olive oil will come in handy once I get those. Flex magazine. Absolutely. My question was this. Can you cancel

a magazine that's being sent to your hub? Can you send them a change of address for them? Look. Hey, guess what? I moved to the sun. I can deliver these to the sun. And they're like, oh, nice tan. Yeah.

Totes gels. My overheard. Yeah. I'm totes jealous. Yeah, exactly. My overheard is this. I was in this grocery store, and it's not often that you see an employee in a grocery store being sort of, like, aggressive or in your face with a customer. Oh, I like this. And this one was a, the employee went up to a woman. It was a male employee. And he went up to a woman. It was a male employee, and he went up to a woman, and he said, excuse me, that's not a garbage can,

and he pointed, and it was a Christmas tree in the store, just a little in-store Christmas tree, and the woman didn't speak English and was unfazed. Yeah, she was hacking up her Vaseline ornament Like, hey, excuse me Were you at Urban Fair? Yes I see, you know, you can see Roberto Luongo there sometimes I've seen him there a few times

Him, not working? Local hockey Last year while working, if you don't mind Oh, I do mind Well, I don't Gary Bettman Alright, guys. Enough hockey talk.

Nobody likes this. Now, Graham, do you have an overheard? I have an overseen. And it's holiday themed. My overseen is, I was walking by a Scotiabank and I think the

ladies inside were getting ready for the Christmas party. Yeah, exactly. They were putting on masks, getting out sacks with dollar signs on them. You don't know if that was a robbery. Yeah. Or, yeah, an elaborate sex party. But it looked very much like these were employees that were setting up chairs and stuff for Christmas party. The for Christmas party.

The worst Christmas party. Yeah, that was happening in the workplace. But then I saw something I didn't know that women did for other women's amusement. I know women will sometimes do it for guys because guys are so immature and will make them laugh. But a lady was decorating the tree and she turned around to her friends and had like two the christmas balls and was dangling them like nuts didn't know that women did that for each other come on grow up of course we do yeah it's hilarious wow i didn't know that either yeah nice like do they also do the jack off motion yeah probably

they probably do all sorts of stuff we don't know we for sure do all of that fart in each other's face hold down each other and fart in their face

never farting no ladies do they fart around each other no it's not cool I think it's hilarious I don't think it's great no it's disgusting you think it's hilarious

I think I'd be great I don't I think it's funny if someone else did it. But if I did it, I would be mortified. I would have my butt removed and go to a doctor and be like, get rid of this thing. I can't handle it. You're right.

You're right. Now, Graham, is that all we have in the way of overheard? It isn't. Because also, if you out there would like to contribute to the overheards and overseen pile you can send them to us at stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and uh we we've got a some really really good ones some weeks you never know but this week locked in the final overheards of 2012 absolutely um this first one comes all the way from Brooklyn, New York City. I'm walking over

here. Yeah. Did you see there was a really nice video online of Jay-Z and an old lady? Yeah, Jay-Z and the old lady. She's not that old, actually. No, but she was acting very... Have you seen it? No, I don't know about the

internet. Yeah, do you want to think Gangnam you seen it? No, I don't know about the internet. Yeah. Do you want to sing Gangnam Style for us? No. Jay-Z is on the train. He takes the subway to his concerts in Brooklyn because he's pretending to be a man of the people. Yeah, a man of the people. Yeah, even though he's got about 10 security guards with him. Yeah, and...

And one Beyonce. He sits next to this old woman and she's like, oh, are you famous? And he says, yes, I'm famous, but you don't know me. Yeah. Well, what do you do? I make music. Oh, what's your name? My name is Jay.

She's like, nice to meet you, Jay. Nice to meet you, Jay. I'm Rose from the Golden Girls. Yeah, and then he says, she goes, what was your name again so I don't forget it? He goes, Jay. Jay Z. She goes, oh, I know Jay Z. That's very cute.

Great. So cute. I have a celebrity crush on Jay Z. Yeah, me too. Yeah, right? Everybody does. Hova. This comes from Adam C. in Brooklyn, New York.

I was walking around my neighborhood a couple of weeks ago and came to a street corner where a small girl, probably around five years old, was standing with her father waiting to cross the street. I waited for the only car on the street to pass and then started to cross, even though the light still said, don't walk. As I was crossing, I heard the girl ask her father, Daddy, why did that man cross the street when the light told him not to? The father responded, that's because people are animals, dear.

Wow. Yeah, dear. Wow. Yeah, I would say. Is their dad Jeremy Irons? Yeah. Did that sound like Jeremy Irons? I would have said he's a. I've been drinking. Because he's a criminal.

He's a smooth criminal. I really like accusing people of large crimes when they have small crimes. Like if someone changes lanes without signaling, I'll yell, Criminal! Inside your head, when you're mad at somebody that you don't know, like driving, what's the swear word that you think?

Oh, jeez. Probably mother humper. But with an F. What is this? What was the question? When you're by yourself and you don't actually swear, but in your mind. Oh, what is the swear word that I... What's the swear that you use? Oh, I don't want to say it.

Okay. Yeah, it's really gross. Yeah, okay. Like, it's for my ears only. Only for ears. Yeah. Yeah, it's Only for ears. Yeah. Yeah, it's only for ears. Guys, this next one comes from Lizzie D.

In Seattle, Washington. We got purple stuff. Lizzie D. I was walking to work this morning. A car was pulled over by a motorcycle cop about a block in front of me. As I passed by the car, I overheard the cop saying that he would let the driver off with a warning, but the driver interrupts saying, But I don't even have a license.

Someone who's trying to get arrested so they can, like, rob the prison vault. Yeah, exactly. Rob the prison cafeteria. No, exactly. Rob the prison cafeteria. No, no, no, no. You gotta send me to jail, you pig. Oink, oink. Am I right? Bacon.

Ahuga. This final one comes from Benjamin from Parts Unknown. He says, hello, Dave. Hello, Graham. Hello, guests. Hi. Hello, Graham. Hello, guest. Hi. The big three. Yeah.

My family has had its first dog for a little over three months now. Delicious. She's very small and enjoys jumping off of things, chewing on old socks, and barking at her own reflection. I love this dog. Yeah, it sounds great, right? This afternoon, we were all in the kitchen when my 15-year-old sister spotted the dog in the other room trying to tear apart a sock for probably the 100th time. After a few seconds of watching this, my sister turned and asked my parents very sincerely,

Do dogs have brains? Kind of yes, kind of no. Yeah. Well well they're tiny They have tiny little dog brains And actually I think I was telling you this The other week That our dog, Grandpa Is such a stupid little idiot

So, so dumb And he's got Like one time Not for anything untoward Or anything, Abby tried on his collar. Oh, sure. And she realized that she and the dog have the same size neck. But her brain is so much bigger. And conceivably, like, if his brain got rattled around enough, he could swallow his own brain.

Like, it would fit down his throat. Yeah. And that doesn't seem like something that's out of the world of possibilities with a guy like Grappler. Yeah, he shakes his head like nobody's business. And sometimes when he stares at you, his eyes go just off in the opposite directions enough to look kind of like

Stimpy. That's what he was doing when I was telling him he was gorgeous in the hallway. He's kind of looking at you, but not really. He was looking up and at me, sort of. But he's like, are you sure I'm gorgeous? What are those words? Yeah. He's a wonderful, wonderful being.

Yeah, absolutely. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hi, Dave Graham and charming guests. This is Chloe from Providence, Rhode Island with an overheard. So we're having our first snow right now. And there are these like big, soft, fun snowflakes that are kind of falling slowly from the sky. And everything is really quiet.

And I'm walking on Brown's campus. This happened just now and I had to call. So I'm walking and three students are walking toward me. There's almost no one else around. It's really quiet. And two of them are really quiet also. They look tired. And then the one on the far end is laughing to herself

and catching snowflakes on her tongue. And her friends are sort of just trudging along. Like, ugh. And she's just laughing and catching snowflakes. And no one is saying a word. And I'm walking toward them. And right as I'm walking by, she stops laughing. And she goes, ugh, I think I'm still drunk from last night.

It's a magical time of year. Yeah. Oh, I love snow so much. I hope we get so much snow one day. Yeah. And it shuts down the whole city. And then we die. One way.

Yeah, I hope we die, guys. How do you guys want us to all die at the same time? Oh. Like the fireball in Melancholia. Oh, no spoilers. No no that happens in the beginning okay oh is that a spoiler is it a good movie is that the kirsten dunst i loved it feature yeah the lars von trist but i love kirsten dunst and the last one is she nude in that oh yes okay oh my god what am i waiting for? You are losing time, my friend.

And in one scene, she's wearing these riding boots and then the perfect jeans. And I was like, well. Yeah, Dave. You know how you're always talking about that. Yeah, yeah. All right. Next phone call. Say to baby, bring me some riding boots and jeans.

And some jeans that are super tight on your butt. We are so annoying. Hi, I'm calling with an overheard from D.C. I was in the grocery store and they were starting to play Christmas music and they were playing Santa Claus is Coming to Town and I was

walking past this guy who was pushing his cart and shaking his head and I heard it came to the part where it said, Santa Claus is coming. And this guy next to me under his breath goes, in your mom. Yeah. What? Balls deep. Piss off it.

What? That's what he was talking about, right? I know he was. But also, to the listener at home, after Graham made that joke, he did a fist pump. Yeah. And none of us cared.

Yeah. Balls deep. Go for it. Balls deep. That was great. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. There's a little bit

of Christmas magic in every call we get. Yeah. That's the inevitable conclusion to I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Yeah. All right. Here is your final overheard.

Final overheard of 2012. Hi, this is Zach. I'm calling from Perth, Western Australia. And I just have an overseen slash heard. I was coming home and we had just gotten a pizza and we were kind of slowly taking pieces out of the box when three guys

pulled up in a car and got out and said, yeah, I think this is it, and then climbed a tree. Perfect. We're going to get that bird. This is where Curly's gold is. At the top of this tree. If you're looking to hide that bird This is where Curly's gold is At the top of this tree

If you're looking to hide some gold Hide it atop something Yeah, burying it deep Everybody already knows to go down But if it goes up high How deep would you bury something? Balls Balls deep

Oh lordy Oh the worst Oh, Lordy. Oh, the worst. Okay, so that really does bring us to the end of the episode. Now, young Miss Tobin. Yes. What are you promoting? What can people look for from you in the new year? What's going on?

Yeah, what does 2013 hold for an Alicia Tobin? Well, if we make it past the 21st. Well, no. I mean, that we already have. People are listening to this. We've if we make it past the 21st. Well, no. I mean, we already have. People are listening to this. We've cleared the fence. This is the future. I'm working on a book.

The illustrations are done by our friend Jeanette Langmaid. Very talented. So, stay tuned. I continue to do my... Tell us a bit about the book. It's a book... I don't know how much I want to say about the book. Well, it's a book. I don't know how much I want to say about the book.

It's co-authored by Dr. Oz. It's co-authored by Dr. Buzz. You know what? It's fine. What is the book? Is it a kid's book? Is it an adult book? It's a book for adults. It's called So You're a Little Bit Fat, So What? There you go. And it's a bunch of ways to feel good about yourself.

That sounds nice. Sounds great. Yeah, that's really nice. Affirmations. Yeah. Sounds like it'll be great. Yeah. I know it'll be great, you guys.

It will be great. 2013. Dave? Yep. Anything? You're going to do a juice cleanse in the new year? It's so crazy, Dave. Is there a Laugh Calorie show happening this new year?

Oh, yeah. Is there? Well, there's happening this new year? Oh, yeah. Is there? Well, there's allegedly. I have very little details. I'm supposed to be hosting it. It's happening at the Welsh Hall. The Cambrian Hall. I love it there.

And tickets are probably available. It'll be on Facebook. Yeah. Also, usually it's at Hot Wax Records on Main Street. What was the word? Red Cat? Red Cat. Thank you.

Neptune. Neptune. Thank you. Neptune Records. And you can remember that it's called Neptune Records because that's the sign outside. It says Neptune Records. And it's blue like Neptune. Okay.

Why don't I just put a link to whatever the ticket info is on the blog at MaximumFun.org on the recap of this episode. Hey, everybody, stay safe this Christmas Eve. What are you doing? Aren't you beard painting? No, they've already all been sold. I'm ruining that part. I promoted them on past episodes, but it's already coming on. This is the 25th. We'm ruining that part. Yeah, no, I promoted them on past episodes,

but it's already coming on. This is the 25th. We're in the future. It's not your fault. Are we? Is this happening right now? Or are we?

No, I don't have anything. Dave? No. Aside from that, so, thanks for sticking around all of 2012. Yeah. Folks. Thanks for doing this podcast. It's so funny. So, thanks for sticking around all of 2012. Yeah.

Folks. Thanks for doing this podcast. It's so funny. Oh, it's our pleasure. Thank you for doing this podcast. Yeah, thank you for being

our last guest of the year. This is my favorite thing to do, so thank you. Aw, yeah, and we got to do the glow sticks. Glow sticks. I'm going to take home

some of those Ritz fudge. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fudgy Ritzes. Yeah. I'm going to fudge my Ritzes. Oh, yeah. Woo! That's as good a note as any to go out on. If you like the podcast,

mosey on over to MaximumFun.org and check out the recap blog that Dave does each and every week for the podcast, photos and videos relating to the content of the episode. Go ahead and write. You know what? For Christmas this year, what you can get us is a positive review on iTunes.

Go over to iTunes, write a review. Tell everybody. Tell the world how much you like the show. Put your favorite quote on there. Do whatever you like. Yeah. Now, before we end, I just recently rediscovered

our friend of the show, one of the favorite guests. Oh, without a doubt. Top 20 guests. Paul F. Tompkins, two years ago, released through the Pod F Tomp cast a song called PFT on Earth slash Little Gruber Boy. Okay. And I just... It's him and Dave Gruber Allen yes

uh doing the famous Bing Crosby David Bowie peace on earth little drummer boy and it is the funniest fucking thing on the internet

and you have permission I have permission from Paul F. Tompkins to play it at the end of this episode okay and it's a great way to end off the year

sure and uh let's all enjoy it together. Please join us next week and Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Come, they told me, pa rum pum pum pum A newborn king to see, pa rum pum pum pum Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum Rump-a-bum-bum, rump-a-bum-bum Peace on earth, can it be A newborn king to see, perhaps we'll see Our finest gifts we bring of glory To lay before the King of the world When men of good will live in peace Live in peace again Peace on earth Can it be

Here's for now Perhaps we'll see We'll see the day of glory See the day When men of good will Live in peace Live in peace again Every child must be made aware May it up with will, live in peace, live in peace again.

Every child must be made aware. Every child must be made to care. Care enough for his fellow man. To give all the love that he can. I pray my dream will come true For my child And your child too They'll see the day of glory See the day when men of good will live in peace, live in peace again.

He's honored. Can it be? Blink, blink, blink. Blink, blink. Can it be? Probably can't. Oh, come on.