Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 254 - Charlie Demers

Episode Date: January 28, 2013

Comedian Charlie Demers returns to talk professoring, pigeons, and the weird kid in class.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 254 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who can have whatever he likes, Mr. Dave Shumka. Is that a TI reference? That is correct.

Whenever Charlie's around, I like... Oh yeah, I thought you were kind of torturing me because I thought I was supposed to be quiet at this point. I was like, oh, are you talking to me? Is that your favorite song? Or do you just love Texas Instruments? A little of both. It's great. I used to play that song all the time when we worked together.

You know what song of his I really enjoy? It's What You Know About Me. What you know about that. Something, something, something that I know all about that. It called smarty pants yeah yeah smarty pants as long as you got rubber band banks in your pocket of course our guests today of course who else would have multiple a very funny comedian and author mr uh charlie demers is with us thank you for having me uh fellas and and as i understand it i'm the first guest in this new uh setup yeah which uh we're all sitting kind of charlie rose style like like it's a lot more uh feels a lot more official

we're around a little table i feel that a little table is a bit demeaning if you if you can picture the ladies on that snl sketch delicious dish this is absolutely from my angle and it's like you you two are the delicious dish ladies and then maybe also you're alec baldwin and you know what i just realized is that sweaty balls kind of sounds like sweaty balls took me months to piece that together just months did you only see the sketch for the first time it took me months then i was in a car accident forgot everything that i know and then that was the first thing you learned back oh you guys sweaty balls sweaty balls do you balls. Do you get it? Yeah. Let's get to know us.

Get to know us. Now, after you came out of the coma, was the first thing that they're like, we got to recap the career of Alec Baldwin? Yeah, because where I was recovering, they were showing 30 Rock, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. This isn't a movie.

This isn't Beetlejuice. Well, at least this weekend I can watch On a Gas Dyer and Molly Shannon on Saturday Night Live. For the home listener, you need to know this. This is the first time we're recording in this setup. We mentioned it before.

We have a little table. It's tiny. There's no other way to describe it. It's a really small table. What would you say? Like two feet by two feet? I would say it's about six inches by six inches, but I'm really bad with that. Yeah, I'm guesstimating.

No, it's probably, I'd say 30 inches by 36 inches. I would say three feet by three feet. You can't put a party sub on here. It would fall off. You could put it diagonally. If you cut it up. Pythagoras proved it. And it's our first time not where people aren't sitting on a couch.

So expect a different energy. People, we're getting up. Yeah. Rise up. Rise up. Yeah, we're taking back the podcast. It does feel a little bit less... Because in the past, I've sort of treated the podcast as like...

Remember at the end of Manhattan when Woody Allen... Yeah, sorry, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, he's a pedophile in the movie. And he's lying on the couch and he's recording. He's just like, you know, things that Groucho Marx. You know, he's just kind of, he's listing off good things. Tracy's face, you know, that's what makes him go run. But he just kind of, he's really lying down and kind of like, slack. The jaw is slackened and lowered down into the neck.

And he's just kind of speaking into a microphone in his chest. That's how I've approached things before. Now I feel like... I forgot what we were talking about. Yeah, sorry. Like, it would not be out of the ordinary to see at a setup like this, people talking about the decline of the Euro. Yeah. But they would have a shorter

beard and hair than way longer yeah i don't know what's going on with the euro dude is that your impression of marx yeah yeah that's called marx truck stop mark the history of all civilizations has been fucking class war, bro. I bought this table at a store that sells used tables. Well, used hotel furniture. Oh, okay. So this is covered in sperm. Yeah, everything.

It's from the hotel lobby of a sex hotel. And, um well the guy at the at the store was like oh yeah everything here is from a five-star hotel like i care yeah but uh if that's the case then the rich who stay at five-star hotels have got to stop putting their gum on everything oh really there's gum underneath it was a Diamond encrusted. Yeah. It's like that like Sertz or whatever. Flavor crystals.

Yeah, with Retsin. Global Retsin supplies are desperately low because of companies like Sertz. Yeah, they thought we had Retsin forever, but we were wrong. Am I echoing? No. You can have whatever you want. But every piece of furniture in the store has gum on it.

Ew. Yeah. Really? Yeah. People are disgusting. I chew gum compulsively. And I don't ever put gum. I never, ever have stuck gum on a thing.

That's not your style, though. No. Who does that? Monsters? Yeah, monster sociopaths. Yeah, deadbeats. But it's like, even as a kid, I was like,

oh, this math doesn't line up. We have garbage cans. It's add up, so you really are as bad. You don't line up math. These numbers don't line up. You mean add.

I think it might be that you're just in that hotel mindset. And you're like, I can be filthy. I can be the worst. No one's going to know. The people cleaning up after me don't even speak English. I don't... So they can't tell anyone. Exactly.

Do you... When you stay at a hotel... We've all stayed at hotels. We're not bragging here. I can't relate. Like, I don't let the staff come in. Like, if I'm there for a week. While you're staying there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can't get my head around somebody who would want somebody, like, coming in and cleaning up. It feels weird, right? The worst is when they come in more than once a day. When they're like, oh, do you want turndown service? I turn them down. That's what I do. When they're like, oh, do you want turndown service? I turn them down. That's what I do. I want turn-on service.

This is from the sex hotel I was talking about earlier. I was going to tell you about the time that Cara and I, we had just come out of a concert at the media club, and so we went to use the bathroom in the Rosedale Hotel by CBC. And there were two prostitutes in the um uh bathroom in the lobby bathroom like cleaning up after they just had a fight with this uh with a trick or whatever with a john thank you very much well whoop that john doesn't sound uh appealing uh so uh anyway they're these two women who like very clearly dressed for um

for sex work right like they were dressed for the job they want to have they had you know anyway it was very clearly but kara my wife is very um uh she's an she's an innocent lady she comes from a very innocent background or whatever and And we stayed and kind of helped them. And they were kind of calling an ambulance. Because one of them had been hurt by one of the dudes or whatever. But then as we were leaving, Carol was like, man, those girls were way too good looking for those guys. Still not putting it together. Yeah.

Like, they had literally been on the cell phone to their pimp. Like, yeah. And then we got up to the trick's room and this trick was like blah blah blah blah and Carol was just like, you know, you girls could do so much better than that than those older businessmen

from out of town. Here's a question, you know, like... I don't want to make light of violence against sex workers, I'm worried that that's how that story came across. No, it was about innocence. You helped them out. oh yeah i didn't help them out yeah that no like uh it's well known that a that a prostitute it's not nothing's well known no no they will go like when a convention's in town right okay yeah that's like a well-known kind of or when the the navy fleet is in town sure well i mean you're gonna make more money with the business convention, right? That's true.

The Navy fleet will only be able to pay you in shells. Shells and rope. Mess hall tokens. So, at a comic book convention, are there like, prostitutes that like, dress up like a Leia?

Or cosplay? Or like, yeah, like a Wonder Woman prostitute? Yeah. Costitutes. Not bad at all. Yeah, they wear Cosby sweaters.

I like that idea. Because at a comic book convention, I've never been, but I imagine you spend, you know, you're used to shelling out a few dollars for like an autograph or something. Yeah. And like, you know, Slave Leia. Supergirl. A Catwoman. And also when you finish having sex

with a constitute, there's like one of those Batman sound effects comes up and he goes, come! My parents listen to this show, Charlie. Come over and read comic books. I'm sorry, and your parents are so sweet, too. Well, no more fruit arrangements for me

If your parents were jerks Then you'd have no problem This is what you get So what's new, Charlie? What's going on? Tell us about your life Well, I just came from I'm doing this show with the Push Festival Right now the Push Festival is a

festival that happens for three weeks every winter in Vancouver it's like an arts it's like an experimental theater kind of push it's like a kind of push the boundaries or push the lines so it's usually kind of multimedia sort of experimental stuff

it's like the beer hall push and so the piece that I'm a part of is by this Argentinian playwright where we basically sit in public spaces. It's being done at the Vancouver Art Gallery and at the Vancouver Library. I was at the art gallery today. And we're hooked up to computers. We're just writing in computers. No, no, no. Go back.

It's monitoring your heart rate. We're on treadmills. We're fighting Rocky. We've got an IV drip. We're taking steroids. We're sitting at computers that are hooked up to big screens in the space. And then we're just supposed to make up stories about the people that we see right and then they notice the screen or sometimes

they don't and other people are impressed yeah and then so yeah and it's been it's been it's been neat because it's sort of like I write a lot but I also do a lot of stand-up and besides like the whole kind of writing of jokes or whatever there's very little overlap between like writing prose and and writing and like doing comedy but this is like kind of improvised text-based crowd work almost like it's a lot of like uh hey fatso yeah a lot of. Anybody here celebrating anything? But it's been neat. It's cool.

It's really long, though. It's like, it's two hours a day. A lot of experimental theater is. It's two hours a day. It feels like four hours. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the three weeks of the festival. So it's like 18 hours of writing. Wow. Mine would be all just people

would be like i think i see the word you were going for there yeah it's true one of the locations it's a mac and so i'm fine but the other one's like uh it's this big old pc and so it's just there's a whole bunch of forward slashes and back slashes that I'm worried people are going to think I'm trying to be artistic. God forbid. But anyway, so I'm doing that. That seems very much like that setup is the exact type of setup that they have on like a Just for Laughs gag. Essentially. of setup that they have on like a just for laughs gags where it's like essentially like you know it's oh can you watch my screen for a minute and then the screen starts writing like really mean

things about people walking by with a speech bubble there's a uh like a youtube prank video of a guy uh in a store on a cell phone who's like... Rupert G? No, no. And he's on his cell phone and he's describing where he is. He's like, yeah, there's a big fatso in a striped shirt next to me. That's nice. There's another guy that...

I don't remember his name, but he'll sneak up behind somebody who's on a cell phone and be the other half of the conversation. Like, he's talking on the cell phone, but he's responding to their... It's fun. YouTube's full of fun stuff, guys. So, again, I should say, the piece does probably clock in a little higher brow than YouTube pranks. But it's... What other pranks are there at this festival? Do they have any of those drive-thru ones?

The pull my finger festival. Yeah, exactly. Push my finger. So, what is... Have you seen any of the experimental theater i went and saw some other uh another show i went and saw hoxley workman did this like kind of one man um one man band musical about this like greek uh sex and wine myth or whatever this like dionysian oh no it's very much true yeah the greeks are totally

into it but it was really amazing he was uh he was incredible the crowd just went bananas at one point he was he was all about sex and whatever and then at one point there's this mannequin that's supposed to be the king uh but he's wearing this like sexy silk teddy or whatever and he he lifts it apart and puts his head under the teddy and starts playing harmonica. But it looks like he's performing oral pleasure. With a harmonica. No, it was...

And the crowd just went... Graham's parents listen to this podcast. You can get gross sound effects, but not... It wasn't me. That's Shaggygy not T.I. yeah plays they're the best yeah so I'm doing that and I'm

teaching again this year do you wear a jacket with suede patches not necessarily on the elbow just somewhere do you wear like a jacket that's all like patchwork? So you look like the Fisher King.

Yeah. And then, uh, on the first day I come in, I just kind of look at them. I take off the jacket swinging around my head, throw the patches on them. And I go,

I'm here to learn from you. I know. And you fall asleep. You start texting. Yeah, so, I don't know. Anything but making a living being a comedian and writer. What are you teaching again? I'm teaching at UBC, the University of British Columbia.

I'm teaching Introduction to Writing for New Media. Although we're going to add new media um although we're gonna add and it looks like we're gonna add a writing for comedic forms class which will be cool like we'll be teaching basically comedy writing in the creative writing department okay um what's a perfect example right like a big bang theory yeah or like uh black people do this white people do this well i mean women and men are cats and dogs seminars on all those things we won't get into i mean it'll be an introductory class so we won't get into what animals Women and men are cats and dogs. Seminars on all those things. We won't get into... I mean, it'll be an introductory class, so we won't get into what animals men and women are. We'll introduce the idea that...

No, men and women are cats and dogs. Men and women do this. Cats and dogs do this. Yeah, it's just a really confusing bit. Men and women get married. Cats and dogs fight. But I guess a cat and dog could get married if you made it. And men and dogs fight. But I guess a cat and dog could get married if you made them. Well, yeah, these days.

The gay rights agenda has its way. Cats and dogs will be marrying all kinds of each other. Trees and rocks. Why is that even a big deal? People are like, yeah, you can marry a man. If a man can marry a man, next he'll be marrying a table. So? Yeah.

I think that's somebody's bit. I'm sorry. Now, if you did marry a table, would a tree be the father to give away the table? No, it would be the hotel. The guy from Leon's. It would be a guy from the hotel where the table had been. And he would take off gum and put it on your finger would they be allowed to adopt then?

if so would they only be allowed to adopt half table half people? this is one of the worst bits we've ever no it's the best one the best one yet a child that's half table and half you have to tell it to get off itself

it's a real problem for parents kids are on the table remember when you're a kid and you go on the table and your parents say you get off come on mabel they didn't say that to you get off the table mabel they had a rhyme get off the table mabel no what other were you fun things were you djing at the time get off the couch you grouch yeah yeah well you know they didn't say that 50 ways to discipline your children the rhymings get out of that grave day that you know too close to home i was into vampire stuff. How about you? Sorry, no, go ahead.

How about me still? Sorry. We've got questions. How about you? Yeah. We've got spirit. Being a teacher, that sounds absolutely terrifying. You've done it once before. Yeah, I taught, I think, maybe not the last time I was in here, but the time before that, I had just started teaching.

It's a good gig for if you're doing comedy or whatever, because I basically teach Monday afternoon. So I do a bit of prep time on Sunday. But is it not being like having to stand up there and be like, I know a bunch of stuff, and you better listen. Yeah, it is. But then it's also like you get up and at first what makes you nervous is that you're not making them laugh. And you're like, I'm bumming up here. This club's never going to have me back. And then you're like, oh, wait, I'm not supposed to make them laugh. They're not even ordering drinks.

Yeah. If I make them laugh like three times, I'm the funniest professor they've ever had. That's true. If I make them laugh like three times, I'm the funniest professor they've ever had, right? That's true. So that's the weirdest thing is like to start, to stop thinking of them as like an audience. Because they're not an audience, right? Tell that to Robin Williams and Dead Puts.

Do you inspire them? Well, yeah. Does any of them kill themselves? It's more difficult to do it at university because the desks are so small. They're those little fold-out, they fold out of the side of the chair. You get them to stand up on it. Yeah. Snap, snap, snap.

Get off the desk, Mabel. Yeah, exactly. Get off the desk, Mabel. Now it's too big a class. I have like 180 students. No, 200 students. So I can't... What?

Wow. I can't tell if any of them are inspired. They are. If any of them look inspired, it's probably just drugs has anybody done the indiana jones thing where they've written love you on their eyelids or shut up yeah yeah they don't write like love messages but it's just really banal like i need to go home early extension please huge eyelids can i submit my assignment in eyelid form good stuff yeah um what's going on with you dave well um i there you go sorry uh i've had um

a couple run-ins with pigeons in the last couple of weeks. The long wing of the law. Yeah. The first is I work at the CBC, and there's a coffee shop outside. JJ Bean? Yeah, it's an outdoor coffee shop. It has a lawn on its roof. Yeah.

But sorry, it also has walls and a roof that make it indoors in itself. Yeah, but the customers are outdoors. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also it looks like they're really cold inside of that. Yeah, sometimes they're wearing big jackets and stuff. Yeah. But yeah, so the customers, you don't have to go through a door to get into this coffee

shop. And as such, there is frequently... Well, not frequently. I've worked there for two years. And in the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that there's a pigeon that started hanging out there. Uh-oh. And people... Like, first people are grossed out by it.

But then they see it's limping. Aw. And it's got a laptop. It's working on its screenplay. Yeah. Exterior. Sky. Smash cut statue.

And so people have, like, it just hangs out there and people give it bits of muffin and stuff. And that is the worst. Because it is, not only is it um uh disgusting mit romney for pigeons but it's put it with the handouts but it's not like so what if it's limping it can still fly like oh no your foot's a little screwed up you can still fly um, but people really like... Crows. I love them. I don't know and understand the feeding a pigeon thing, because to me, like, you wouldn't feed a rat, right?

Okay, okay. All right. See, that was me testing the waters. Yeah. I mean, are these lab pigeons? No, like, let's go to the park and feed some rats. No, it's true. I had a seagull.

I had a pet seagull when I was growing up. Is that what your pets told you? Yeah. Oh, there goes your pet. Sorry, Charlie, we can't get a dog. We already have you. We already got that pet seagull for you. There he goes. Yeah.

And then when he died, they were like, he's flying around eating garbage at a farm. When he died? Why would he have to die? It's a different pigeon every time. Seagull. I mean, seagull. First of all, it was a seagull, Dave. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. But, like, I was sitting, and I was listening to my headphones, and I was sitting at False Creek, and I had some spelt sticks in my hand. And I was eating them and just listening to music and looking out at the water. And this seagull, like, dive-bombed my hand that I couldn't see it. Wow. But it just, it was so ballsy, and I just went, ooh. And then afterwards, like, my first reaction was just out of this, like, terrified anger. I threw the spelt sticks at the seagull.

And it was like, dude, that's, like, what I was hoping would happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then I was trying to scare it off. And it was just totally nonplussed. He put on a pair of sunglasses. Yeah. You're like, oh, no. He's the coolest pair of sunglasses. You're like, oh no! He's the coolest eagle! But he was, right?

So I totally lose this fight with him. I'm trying to scare him off. I'm doing all kinds of herky-jerky things with my body to get him to leave. So then I kind of concede and I just walk away. And then I realize, like, Falls Creek, there are thousands of

condominiums, hundreds of people walking by. And it occurred to me that if any one of them had a cell phone camera out, like, the next day I would be an internet sensation. Yeah, yeah. Herky-jerky Siegel guy. Herky-jerky man versus Siegel. You'll be surprised how it is you know that youtube video would be called douchebag seagull fail i know and it's like you would have no like they'd be on the news the next night and be like and finally tonight oh our leading story yeah anytime vancouver is Yeah, anytime Vancouver is on anything, it's the number one story on the news.

And my other run-in with a seagull, if I may. Pigeon? Oh, yeah. I get them confused. It's like Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman. Like half a block from where that other seagull hangs out, I was walking down the street and it was, it's like, I guess it's kind of crowded.

Like there were a lot of people on the street and there was a pigeon taking off. And I do mean pigeon this time. Yeah. A pigeon taking off and flew right by my face. And if I hadn't like turned my head super quickly to get away from him, he would have hit me harder than he actually did. Wow. But he did brush his wing up against my lip.

I'd have to get new lips. And I was like, I was about to go out. I was leaving work to go for lunch. And I'm like, Oh, go back and watch my mouth. I would have.

Yeah, absolutely. I would have gone and bought Listerine. Did you do anything? What did you do? What can you do? I felt gross for a little while, and then I forgot about it. I got on this subject of bird attacks.

I was attacked by a crow last year. But sometimes they dive bomb you because you're close to the nest. Yeah. But this one dive bombed me. Graham's literally got the eggs are in the pockets of his shirt. Pack off, crow. Finders keepers. One of these delicious

crow omelets. Can you imagine what kind of cafe would serve crow omelets? Oh, spooky. Oh, I was going to say East Van. It totally seems like a kind of East Van. These are East Van crow omelets. I'm a locavore. And the only birds around here are crows.

Yeah, we've got crow omelets. And if you want... Well, I couldn't think of a starch. I couldn't think of a funny starch. A gum off of the bottom of the hotel table. That's our starch today. And our main is a raccoon. Served on a bed of old copies of The Buzzer, the transit newsletter.

The crow attacked me for my pizza and I gave it up. Like, right away. You got it. Yeah. You got it, crow. Just mostly because of the movie The Crow. I'm like,

I wronged somebody in a past life and now they're coming back for my pizza. I feel like we need to go back and cover what our spelt sticks. Oh, spelt sticks. That's a good question. I thought you were going to go back and cover what what are spelt sticks oh spelt stick that's a good question i thought you were gonna go back and give it i i'm i'm living with remorse at having opened with that um a hooker story because i feel like i was making a gag out of it and they'd been attacked but i promise that's not no butelt sticks. Stop trying to avoid the topic. Anyway. What is spelt and how do they stick it?

Is it like gross Pocky? Yeah, I'm picturing Pocky that's just falling apart. No, it's like they're like, you know those sesame sticks? No. No, sorry. As I said it, I just realized that's the thing. They're called spelt sesame sticks. All right.

And I was just like, you know, the other name for the same thing. What is spelt? It's a grain. It's one of the loser grains. It's a loser grain. What are the best grains? Is rice a grain? Whole wheat. Rice is a grain. Wheat.

Potato. Potato's not a grain. Okay. Rice. Quinoa, is that a grain? It's a false grain, I believe is the term. Shreddies? Yeah. Shreddies are a grain. Not diamond shreddies. Square shreddies are a grain. Here's just a

slight diversion. The thing about, like, wasn't there a big story? Okay, we better get back to covering what all the grains are. The quinoa... Sand? There was a story about, like, how demand for quinoa and a story about like how demand for quinoa in the first world is now yeah depleting quinoa resources to the nation but here's the thing it's okay like the story I think was the guardian that had this story and the headline was can vegans stomach this

quinoa crisis or whatever yeah and i was like is that they only go with that because the editor said hey you can't just put fuck you vegans like other people eat quinoa right yeah and it's it doesn't replace a meat or a cheese it It kind of does, because that's the thing that people like about it, is that it's also complete protein. That's why quinoa. Quinoa.

Yeah. So spelt is the... Spelt's one of the... Isn't that a thing that you use? Spagnum is a... Spagnum? Spagnum with a P-H? I thought that's like a gynecologist uses that.

Yeah, I think it's like there's a... What am I thinking of? You're thinking of spagnum P-I. That show on Showcase. I think it's a... The only time I've ever heard it mentioned is in a natural brand of tampon or pad. We use sphagnum? Yeah, it's like an absorbent grain.

Gross. This is a real toilet episode. Well, it's the table. I blame the table. It's from that sex hotel, that's why. I thought we were going to go in a real round table on the key walk. How do we fix the structural deficit to kind of add direction? Instead we went

the... Okay. New topic. Are we ready for it? We've named all the grains. Graham, can you hand me that stuff over there? Oh, yeah. And the envelope is there an envelope there yeah uh over the last couple weeks we've gotten some stuff in the mail

from uh our listeners and if you ever want to send us anything in the mail um just uh it's not drugs yeah just uh email drugs email us and say um give us a thousand reasons why you're not going to come and murder me at my house if If I give you my address. Or just one really good reason. A thousand small reasons. So one person has sent us, I think these are basically Christmas gifts. You really will give your address? It's not a P.O. box?

Well, does it look like a P.O. box? Jesus mercy. Yeah, we live on the edge here. I don't even throw out, like, mail, like, envelopes that have my name and address on them. I black them out before I even put them in the recycling. Who's after you? Yeah. The seagulls?

So many seagulls. Dave and, okay, so this one is from a gentleman by the name of Robert B. Robert B. I love that I give him my address, but I will disguise his name. Yeah, he's earned it. Bobby B. It's Bobby Brown, actually. Well, will disguise his name. Yeah, he's earned it. Bobby B. It's Bobby Brown, actually. Well, it's his problem.

Yeah, exactly. Dave and Graham, I thought of you two when I dug these out of my closet. The band. Yeah. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. I guarantee you they will go into the garbage. Graham, you can probably figure out which one is for you. Oh, yeah.

Thanks so much for all the entertainment Enjoy, Bobby B And they are a collection of cards Oh, like trading cards Is that Princess Diana? It's someone named Mon Mothma Is that from something? Oh, is this a Star Wars deal?

I don't know Wrapped in Cellophane Cellophane Yeah, aluminium Oh, they are Star Wars-y Oh, cool Wrapped in cellophane. Cellophoyle. Yeah. Aluminium. Oh, they are Star Wars-y. Oh, cool.

Yeah, no. Hey, there's Jabba the Hutt. Jabba the Hutt, intergalactic gangster. Size noodles and the Rebo band. Oh, I think I found the one that's for me. Is it a bearded gentleman? It's a Hulk Hogan. Oh!

It's a sticker. It's a Hulk Hogan guy. Yeah,'s a sticker. It's a Hulk Hogan guy. Yeah, this is from 1985. That was a good era. That was a good... Oh, and also... Yeah, all that totalitarianism from 1984 had been cleared up. And then this is a picture of Mr. Fuji wrestling. That's a young Mr. Fuji.

Sort of Jackie in the ring. An Eastern Jackie Robinson of an Eastern Jackie Robinson of the wrestling world. Would you care to elaborate? No. Oh, wow. Here, Charlie. Oh, yeah, cool. Does this guy have a cat? I don't know.

Probably. Alright, well, thanks for that. This is awesome. This is, You know what? Here's a picture where it's Luke Skywalker, and he's got his saber out, and you can really see how fake it is on these cards, right? Like, that really looks phony baloney. Oof, my dome.

But the thing is, it's got captions. These cards are like if Star Wars had been a silent movie Because it's like a photo of them entering the throne room And then it says, entering the throne room But throne room has a trademark after it And the Rancor Pit does as well The Rancor Pit, patent pending Admiral Ackbar in this card

And it just says, benevolent creature But he's wearing a funny hat Oh, maybe he's not pending admiral akbar in this card and it just says benevolent creature but he's wearing a funny hat oh maybe he's not an admiral at that point he's just a chef yeah um and then we we received remember that matt graining uh cartoon strip uh admiral akbar and The two gay guys in space Fun Yeah, it's a trap Bib Fortuna And this is another We got another package with some Christmas presents Merry late Christmas

Blah blah blah blah But you're part Ukrainian, so it's not that late Oh no, I don't know what any of that Look at that, January 10th She only missed your people's Christmas by like a couple days I don't even know when my people's Christmas is. What does that mean? There's a different Christmas?

Yeah. For Ukrainians? Yeah. Does Santa come out of a giant egg? Mm-hmm. If I knew... Instead of reindeer, he rides magical sauerkrauts. I think you mean like just cabbage rolls.

Yeah. Various cabbage things. If I was more in touch with my heritage, I would be so offended. Let's see. You guys are one of my favorite podcasts. Whoa. Yikes. Yikes.

Goo. Should I be talking while you read this? I feel like... I'm not... It's a long note. I feel like it's like a dinner party and my wife's gone to the kitchen to refresh the salami tray. That's our code for sex. It's from someone named Jamie.

And there's something for Graham and something for Dave. Oh, this is for my favorite vegetarian. Oh, that's me. Yeah. And apparently. Yeah. It's going to be like a gluten jerky. I dig it.

If it is a gluten jerky. Yeah. I'll eat it so much. Or some kind of spelt stick. And mine, apparently I need to read all of the fine print. Oh, this is an air freshener that is shaped like a bacon. And I'm willing to bet... Smells like a bacon?

Yep. So that was kind of a screw you favorite. So first she says you're one of my favorite podcasts. She didn't even say one of my favorite podcasts. She actually said one of my favorite Maximum Fun podcasts. How many are there? There's like six or seven. Do you know that a Maximum Fun podcast is one of the assigned readings in my introduction to writing for new media?

I assigned an episode of The Memory Palace. The Memory Palace, yeah. All right. This is... What is this? If this is a new segment, can I vote for you? No, thumbs down. Yeah. Vote either for you or you. Wait, what is this? If this is a new segment, can I vote for you? No, thumbs down, yeah. Vote either for you or you.

It's some kind of spray Canadian thing. Look, don't send us things anymore, anybody. No way. This is... What is this? I don't know. This is a... Thanks anyway.

Look and feel Canadian instantly. It's a breath spray that makes American publications ignore your comedy. This is from Jesus Had a Sister Productions. Offers you the unique opportunity to look and feel Canadian. Instantly experience

an enhanced appreciation of freshwater lakes, rippling streams, moose, squirrels. We're not boating. Appreciate moose, squirrels. We're not bowling. Yeah. Appreciate moose and squirrel. Discover simple pleasures like trout fishing, snowshoeing. Didn't you just go snowshoeing? I went snowshoeing a couple days ago.

Classic. Can I just say, so much fun. And snow. So much snow. Not enough shoe. Why were you snowshoeing and where? Because there's no snow here. You said that to me as though you were reading it off the back of the package.

You were reading the back of the thing and then said that. And I thought, creep? Oh. How did they know this? No, this is the great thing about Vancouver is that people forget about, right? Because I often feel like, oh, we get left out of the whole Canadian winter wonderland thing. Yeah. But the winter wonderland is just a 25-minute drive.

Yeah. Up a mountain that's right there, right? Yeah. So you go, and I don't know, I have these friends that are just like, they're white people in the sense that I mean when I say white people. You know, just really tall, healthy, rich guys. And they were like, you want to go snowshoeing? And I was like, yes, I do. The last time I went was like grade seven,

which is our version of seventh grade. And it was a field trip. And then I went the other day, and they've completely reinvented snowshoes in the last like 15 years. It was like basically tennis racket, tennis racket tennis racket tennis racket tennis racket for 500 years and then in the time since i got out of elementary school they're like hold on a fucking second we could do better than this shit and they rearranged them so now they're like little um like i was describing

them like a little deer and he said no but guy Guy McPherson. But Guy McPherson actually described them really well. You're wearing two halves of a leghold trap on the bottom of your feet. How does he know these things? He lives a real misery kind of lifestyle. Yeah, well, you're forgetting that

Guy spent about half of his 20s stuck in a leghold trap. While he walks with a limp? Yeah. So if you're ever going to send us anything, these were duds. Oh, come on. They were okay. I loved my Hulk Hogan sticker.

That's going to go on my iPhone case. I just feel like it's something that you could have opened pre-show, had a look at, as opposed to five minutes of rustling wrapping paper. I was hoping for a big surprise. Yeah, if you're going to send us something, a thousand reasons why you're not going to come and kill us. And tell us what it is, because we don't want your dumb thing. This is a...

Look, I already feel like a Canadian. I don't need your dumb spray. Manufacturer's warning. Physical results may vary. In emergency situations, may be used as bug spray. Does it really say that? Little tiny print right down there. I don't know how much of Jesus Had a Sister Productions I should...

Can I just say that they made a real... They lost a chance by not spelling it Spur-ay. Like Canadian Spur-ay. That's what I should have said but it would look it would just say like spru like nobody would get it canadian spray yeah so let's have a quick hold here so i can edit this all out hey graham what's up with you i want to say thanks for the sticker yeah yeah no they were neat i liked the gifts just for the record my problem was from a production angle not from a kindness of the gift

angle um i have been um you know put down the sticker and talk to us i just I can't figure out what belt he's won in this. May I see it? Nope. It's a yellow belt. Oh, it's a, uh. I, uh. I'll figure it out. It's when he got a white belt. Yeah. It's just, it was something that, when he was just boots. When he was the lead singer of Keen.

I don't know what that means. What does that mean? The lead singer of Keen used to wear, and maybe he still does, would wear a black pants, black shirt, and white belt. Now he's half of the super group Keen used to wear, maybe he still does, would wear a black pants, black shirt, and white belt. Now he's half of the supergroup Keen. With who? Some curious

guy. I often will browse this website called Reddit, which I enjoy very much. And there's... Check it out. Put it in your Yahoo search bar.

Yeah, exactly. And there was this interesting topic that was about, like, do you remember the weird kid from your school? Like, the weird kid. And if you don't... It's you or him. The the like the weird kid and if you don't you were him the guy the weird kid with the crow egg sandwich but i thought i started thinking about the the one of the weird kids that i went to school with there's this kid that showed up every day in a red leisure suit from the 70s. And you were born in 1967, so it was okay. Yeah, so it was fine.

And kids were big into leisure. And he would wear bright yellow running shoes. He was like something else's kid. Yeah, was he Flash? Yeah, but he wore this red like something that like clark griswold's uh randy quaid oh right brother-in-law would wear uh every day like it was a uniform like he was gonna go work on cars or whatever uh and so he was really weird he He was, and then I looked him up on Facebook and he's just like regular old dude likes MMA and you know,

just, well, I was hoping like, I was like, Oh, maybe he went into something eccentric. Yeah. Like he,

you know, he, he's a Wes Anderson character. Yeah. I've developed a whole new sort of soft drink, but do you know what I mean? Like, absolutely. Like he wasn't weird in that way

like people didn't like people thought he was awesome yeah but super weird right he was the weird kid and you would just say his name everybody knew who he was and he was uh you know leisure suit lawrence jr but do you guys did you have The weird kid? I think I was a little bit the weird kid. But I was trying too hard. Like, this kid sounds like he didn't know better. I think he, if anything, he toned it down. Yeah. I think he would have worn something way flashier if his parents let him.

My brother used to, he always wanted to wear pajamas to school. That's a thing now. Yeah. Kids do that now. Well, he was big on sneaking whatever he wanted to wear under his, so like he'd be wearing regular clothes over pajamas and then get to school and ditch the regular clothes. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, he was. He was a non-slutty Stephanie Kay. I remember he snuck some cowboy boots to school. Is he a younger brother? Yeah, my little brother. That's so great. But your dad was like, hey, you can't wear cowboy boots to school. I think so.

It's a weird hill to die on. Yeah, my dad was very uh liberal parent like very um capital l liberal i mean like he introduced uh health care and uh canada pension plan to our home bilingualism uh he was uh my dad was very laissez-faire like was really not uh but he i guess he didn't want because nick would do like crazy he wanted to dress crazy i don't know like would he wear pajamas and cowboy boots at the same time i don't well if you want to sleep in the west i don't know i don't uh i don't remember it all that well but he uh it was a big thing like what nick would do to like get under the radar and be

able to wear whatever he wanted. I love the idea of that kid wearing a uniform, like wearing the same thing every day. Yeah. If you could do that, what would your uniform be? Now or as a kid? You first, Graham. Now as or? Now as a kid.

Now, I would definitely have a cape. So with the benefit of hindsight, you mean like as a kid? No, no, I was joking. I mean right now. Right now, I would definitely have a cape. So with the benefit of hindsight, you mean like as a... No, no, I was joking. I mean right now. Right now, I would definitely have a cape. Like, not a long one, not one that I would trip up on. But something like... I feel that you can do that.

Like you... Yeah, I guess I could. I mean, the only thing standing in your way of most uniforms is cleaning them. But the cape's not going to get dirty. Well, the way I... The things I do. Yeah. The way the way i play yeah that's the thing most cape wearers fly you'd just be like sitting on a sky train with it yeah like i think it would get red it also wipe my mouth um yeah i don't know like uh cape you know something something probably what the weird

kid at my school were can you make him a cape uh to go with his denim jumpsuit i can make you a cape right now it's a towel no but you know charlie knows i want something that's kind of cool it's only a cape do you want a like a superhero cape or It's only a cape. Do you want a superhero cape or a Dracula cape that has a bit that comes up at the top? I want an Evel Knievel cape. Oh, like an Evel Knievel cape. Yeah, that's what I'm picturing. Oh, a cape is attached to your arm?

The wings of a flying squirrel. Yeah, when you move your arms out, you've got cape hands. Yeah, maybe not attached, but that dimension is what I think. Yeah, Evel Knievel is a good model. Semi-circle shape. Half a semi-circle. Would you want that in, so with your denim jumpsuit, would it be denim? Or would it be white with red and blue stars?

Yeah, exactly. Something that really offsets the whole outfit. Like a Knievel cape. A Knievel cape. Yeah. Why not corduroy? Probably because of the noise. Couldn a Knievel cape. A Knievel cape. Yeah. Why not corduroy? Probably because the noise can sneak up on people. Like I like.

What about you? One outfit. Oh man. Okay. Okay. SS uniform. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it is like a Wes Anderson character Because they all Wear the same thing every day

In every movie Like you know would you That's a big question would it have A head component would it be a hat Or a space helmet Yeah a space helmet or like A headband a goggle Yeah a Bane mask.

Has anybody ever done a Bane impression? Not on a podcast. It's never been done. It's too risky. Too risky. Patrick Maliha says it's just Sean Connery into a cup. Well, that's fine. Yeah. Okay. I don that's fine. Yeah.

Okay. I don't know. Headband. No, but like the outfit. What would you wear? Headband. Is that it? Headband. Around his dick. A series of headbands. Oh, so not the same headband. A headband around my head.

And then headbands. Around your nipple. No, just like smaller headbands all the way down from like armpit. All the way down to your nipple. To waist. Yeah. And then little headbands up each leg. Okay.

All right. So kind of a skin tight affair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it leaves nothing to the imagination. Yeah. Except why is he... Yeah.

Where did he get those headbands? Charles? I think it would be like Tony Soprano in the kitchen or when he goes to get the paper. Except, where did he get those headbands? Charles? I think it would be like Tony Soprano in the kitchen, or when he goes to get the paper, like the big plush robe with a hood, which I have one of those. And then just like, yeah, boxers and a t-shirt. Yeah, that's not bad. I feel like if I could only wear one thing forever, settle me down. Into that.

That's not bad at all. Yeah, so that's what's new with me. I've reconnected with the weird kid. Did you friend him? Yeah, did you speak to him? No, you know, because I don't feel like... I was like, warning his friends.

Here's a picture of him. Y'all, you should totally do that. If he's trying to pass himself off as normal, he is not. Here's the proof. No, you know, some things are just better left... In the octagon.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's a motto I live my life by. Would he remember you? Probably not. Graham was the bearded kid. Yeah, exactly. I was one of many bearded kids at my school.

Stubble Academy. Where they developed the stubble telescope. We're moving on. Yeah, sorry. Are you? You seem pretty pleased with yourself. Yeah. All right, let's move on to Overheard.

Overheard. It's time for Overheards. We're in a person. Now, Graham, shut up. It's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment that is called Fanta Tweets. Is this tweets by the Fanta Corporation? These are tweets by the Fanta Corporation, specifically the tweeter account, Fanta Fun.

Fanta is a fruit beverage, a fruit soda. Oh, I thought it was haunting the Paris Opera. Mmm. Now, Dave, before you start, this Fanta Fun Fruit tweets. Okay. Fanta tweets. Yeah. I have some important Hulk Hogan news in it.

Oh, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. Actually, we do have another theme song sent in by a listener. Let's hear it right now. Awesome. Hulk Hogan news. Actually, we do have another theme song sent in by a listener. Let's hear it right now. Awesome. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news.

Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news.

Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan news. Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News. Brother. Oh, man. That was great. Who was that? That one was by P. Richards. And if you would like to send in a remix of our Hulk Hogan News theme song, feel free to use this sample.

It's a Hulk Hogan News. It's a Hulk Hogan News. It's a Hulk Hogan News It's a Hulk Hogan news It's a Hulk Hogan news That was a good capper So this week in Hulk Hogan news Couple months ago Maybe four or five months ago Hulk Hogan

Tried to fan the flames of a rumor That he was the original bassist for Metallica Yeah, rock outfit Metallica. Really? Then the drummer Lars Ulrichsen. I think it's Large Ulrichsen.

He said on a show that that never happened. There was no Hulk Hogan audition and that he was like, yeah, I think I'd remember if Hulk Hogan was in our band. But they'd remember if Hulk Hogan was in our band. But they did go after Hulk Hogan for downloading songs on Napster. So now Hulk Hogan has gone, cleared the air about what had happened.

Metallica-wise. Yeah, he did an interview with uh something called krang i assume that's a brain inside of a robot that fights ninja turtles it is a british music magazine uh like like hard music like uh like a metallica it's either a magazine or it might actually be a tv station that shows Korn music videos. Freak on a leash. Yeah. So he said,

you know, he used to play music years ago. It was a mistake. He said, when I heard they were looking for a bass player, I got my tapes together from the old band. What was the old band? The Hulk Hogan boot band? yeah yeah the wrestling boot band uh it simon cowell produced uh oh i heard about this on this program so because simon cowell produced

with me green jelly and i did an old gary glitter song leader of the gang and uh kiddie porn downloader yeah that's right oh i think worse than downloader oh really yeah um back in the day before he got his uh break uh this is before simon cowell got his break but i got all that stuff together to send it to metallica and never heard from them uh they never responded they either thought i was a joke or they thought it was a joke and it wasn't me or i was no good i never heard back from them. I tried, but I never did audition for Metallica. I wish I would have, but the bass player they got was so good.

So it worked out, I mean, for the best. But that bass player secretly wanted to be a wrestler. If you were a Hogan mad at you, you'd be sleeping with one eye open, gripping your pillow pretty tightly. Wasn't, isn't Metallica's story that their bass player died? In by a wrestler, but no one knows

what wrestler. Their bass player died in a, like a bus crash. Yeah, that's right. The whole band was in a bus crash and he died.

That was insensitive of me. Yeah, well. What's done is done. Yeah. Sorry. You can apologize to Lars Ulrich and company

I don't remember the rest of them who's the other guy? Stieg Larsson it's just the Nordics Tleef Aronson and the Sedina twins it's a real power group but yeah if they thought it was a joke

then it's a really insensitive joke hey I heard your bass player died. Here's my... I want to audition. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for nothing.

I'm a real American, by which I mean alive. And not Danish like you, Lars. Now it's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment called Fanta Tweets, or Fanta, depending where you're from. Fanta. Now, this is kind of a game. Okay. Do I have to play it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta be in it to win it. The Fanta Corporation, Fanta Corp. Previously, Phantom Corp. President Christine Daae. Don't get it. That was the girl in the Phantom of the Opera who the Phantom was kind of preparing. I don't know the story.

Preparing her for like a dinner? No. She's going to cook her in a cauldron? No. The whole thing of Phantom of the Opera is he likes this young... No, you know what? I'll wait for it. I'll wait to see it.

Wait for it to come out as a movie in 1928. There was a movie with Gerard Butler 10 years ago, wasn't it? There was 11 or 12 Phantom of the Opera movies.

Phantoms of the Opera. Yeah, but he falls in love with her despite his melted face. I think it's the... Yeah. Why would having your own melted face prevent you from loving someone else?

A lot of uggos are in love with prittos. Oh, speaking of which, have you ever seen the Canadian Heritage moment where it's the guy from... I'm the phantom, eh? No, it's the guy from that CBC show, O'Doyle or whatever. Republic of Doyle? Yeah, O'Doyle Rules. show uh oh doyle or whatever republic yeah republic of doyle he he plays a guy who's like he's talking in the scene and he looks like normal uh doyle and then he turns and his other face is all phantom of the opera all this is a heritage moment yeah i've never seen it before oh what is

the remember when canadian two-face right about two-Face? Remember when Canadian Harvey Dent became Attorney General in the United States? Yeah. Okay. So this has been Fanta Tweets. I'm sorry. Can we clear up what this is a heritage moment about? About the war or something. Oh.

Are you thinking of... Richard Harrow style. Yeah. Are you thinking of Boardwalk Empire? Doyle, sort of. Harrow style. Yeah, are you thinking of Boardwalk Empire? Doyle, sort of talk like this. Yeah. And then killed some people. Yeah, yeah.

Tried to commit suicide, but people were like, please don't do it on our land. So, Fanta tweets. Here's what's up. Fanta tweets. Yeah. Now, remember that Fanta is a corporation that makes orange Fanta. Yeah, Fanta Corp. that Fanta is a corporation that makes orange Fanta. Yeah, Fanta Corp. Great Fanta.

And their Twitter account is nonsense. Okay. Always followed by hashtags. Yeah. So I will read to you the hashtag, and you will have to guess what they tweeted. Okay. And remembering that they are a company that only makes... Soda.

Yeah, fruit-flavored soda. Okay. They don't make root beer? Oh, I don't think so. Okay, okay. They're the drink you buy if you're in a shawarma place that only sells Fanta. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

You feel awful and want something to drink. Stop it. Hashtag just because. Went to see Justin Bieber. Hashtag just because. Orange, you glad you bought Fanta? Just because. The correct answer is retweet if you're never too old to go down a slide.

Oh, I can see this. How many retweets did that get? I don't know. Seven. Seven retweets. How many MTs? Modified tweets? Yeah.

Oh, man. Hashtag loves it. Oh, grandma drinking Fanta. Grandma's drinking a bucket of Fanta. Hashtag loves it. I know. It has nothing to bucket of Fanta hashtag loves it I know it has nothing to do with Fanta riding shotgun loves it

the song currently stuck in my head is blank loves it this is really interactive okay alright this is Fanta related These are really interactive. Okay. All right. This is Fanta related. Okay. Oh, I should mention this happened on January 19th, this tweet, because that comes into play.

Never forget. Hashtag perfect pair. Oh, Dolly Parton's birthday. Dolly Parton's birthday. Yeah. We're trying to develop a pear-flavored Fanta. National Popcorn Day means popcorn and Fanta. I forgot it was National Popcorn Day I actually accidentally went into work

I was so embarrassed Because everything was locked That's buttercore Yeah, it's headed by a colonel Hashtag Ways to drink a Fanta Oh, um Straw

Through a dead friend. What? Not a Phantom. Waste a drink of Phantom. Waste a drink of Phantom. Drink your Fanta all at once or sip it slowly.

Yeah. Those are actually the only two ways. Yeah, that's true. This one's from New Year's Eve. Hashtag starting off right. Pour Fanta on your girlfriend. Gonna start drinking more Fanta. No, it was atone for your sins. Was it really?

No, it was don't forget to bring a Fanta out to bring in the new year. Some bouncer is going through your bag. to bring a Fanta out to bring in the New Year. Some bouncers going through your bag. But maybe at FantaCore they're like Smurfs where they just put Fanta in where it means other words like don't forget to bring a Fanta. Go Fanta yourself.

When you go swimming. Hashtag for serious. Buy a Fanta for a veteran. Hashtag for serious. Buy a Fanta for a veteran. I like Charlie's a lot. What is it? Was it for serious?

Hashtag for serious. It's popcorn day again. No, the correct tweet was, would you rather pet a lion cub or a baby penguin? Oh, for serious? Hashtag spotted orange Still good enough for Fanta Cousin of spotted dick See anything orange? Show us Don't look in a rhyming dictionary.

Hashtag because winter. Because winter. Toques. Or indoors. Indoors. Just slipped on a patch of Fanta. Oh, no, wait. Try your Fanta hot.

Mold Fanta. Add some cloves. Oh, Fanta Claus. Yeah. Oh, Fanta hot. Mold Fanta. Add some cloves. Oh, Fanta Claus. Yeah. Oh, Fanta Claus. Yeah, there you go. Fanta Claus is coming to town because winter. Idea for today?

Make an igloo and drink Fanta inside of it. Jesus Murphy. Just got out the middleman. Use a fridge. All right. A couple more. Just one more. All right.

None. Oh couple more. Just one more. All right. Okay. These are both terrible. The rest have been good, but... Yeah. Both Cs. Both Cs? Okay. That's how I vote.

Hashtag grape FTW. That's grape for the win. Or fuck the world. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Grape fuck the world. Grape for the win. Hashtag grape for the win. Or fuck the world. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Grape fuck the world. Grape for the win. Hashtag grape for the win. Oh, uh...

Italian man's foot. Healthier than ever. What? Because he's been stomping grapes. And they got an anti-octane... Isn't that the French? No, it's everyone. Yeah, everyone stomps grapes.

In Europe. That's how the Second World War got started. Isn't that the French? No, it's everyone. Yeah, everyone stomps grapes. That's how the Second World War got started. They were looking for new ways to stomp grapes. With tanks. Meat tanks. Meat tanks, yeah. That was my catch-all in Europa. This one's dumb.

Grape Fanta is better than blank. Is greater than blank. Sperm. than blank sperm sex hashtag grape for the win and finally from fanta fun hashtag decisions oh uh to have a kid yeah you're gonna have a kid decisions kill this store owner for the Fanta. That's it. That's it. You're right. It's weird how some of them are Fanta related and some of them are just not. It's like life.

Yeah. Every day. Do one thing that's Fanta. Do one thing that's Fanta. This tweet was, catch up on sleep or stay up late decisions. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. tweet was catch up on sleep or stay up late decisions oh yeah absolutely well catch up on sleep absolutely really good question doesn't even say like what did it say just stay up a decision decisions no but like it wasn't like stay up and party no just stay up like it was It was like, sleep or don't sleep. But not like to do something cool.

No. Fanta decisions. Eat a meal or start yourself. This has been Celebrity Birthdays. Now let's move on to Overheards. Now with Overheards, we always like to start with a guest. Okay. I have a couple.

Okay. Hit us. You have a perfect pair, as I understand. I have a couple. Okay. Hit us. Hit us with the... You have a perfect pair, as I understand. I have potentially three, depending on how we want to do this.

I'm just opening up a note. This is... I took this note in October. October 19th, 2012, I was in Halifax, Nova Scotia. My dad took me to a pub by his house to eat before I went and did a show at the Yuck Yucks there. And I went into the bathroom at the pub on the way out and there were two guys at the two urinals when I walked in silently peeing. And so I walked in, I was like, well, urinals are taken, I'm going to go in the stall. So I went in the stall. And then as I

started going, one of them sort of piped up to the other one. And he's got this real thick East Coast accent. And he goes, so they were quiet the whole time. And they're just peeing. And then one of them goes, the idea is fine, but it's not legal. The idea? The idea. The idea. The idea. Idea.

The idea is fine, but it's not legal. Like as though that were kind of the... That was the deciding factor. That's where they get you. Yeah. The legalities. The law. I want to make the statue of cocaine.

I want to burn O'Doyle's face in just half of it, though. Doyle. I'm thinking about the guy who rules. That's O'Doyle, right? Yeah, the character from Billy Madison, the family. Do we want to go around and come back to our friend Charlie? Yeah. Sure. Mine isn't

funny. Oh. Mine is just tragic over here. Mine's it's just really weird uh uh it's just kind of remarkable uh there was uh abby and i were out at a mexican restaurant last night and we overheard some farts um pretty great uh no we uh the table right behind us, there were two women. I think they were on a date. Because they were talking about things and they had so much in common. Everything one woman would say.

They had the same genitals. They lacked the same rights. They both made about 70% of what I make. They both made about 70% of what I make. So, but the weirdest part was when one of them was talking about how, yeah, when my mother was born, my mother was being born, my grandmother was at gunpoint. Jesus. It was in the Soviet Union, and there was a Soviet troop just pointing a gun at her, and she couldn't make any noise. My grandmother, when my mother was born.

And the other woman was like, oh, weird, because when my mother was pregnant with me, she was taken hostage like four times. What? Yikes. Not without my daughters. The reality show. Wow.

It wasn't funny. It was just crazy that they had this thing in common. Well, they're probably meant to be together. If they've got that much overlap in life experience. In Soviet Union, they take you home. Baby delivers you. But yeah, no, I listened a little bit more, and apparently the being held hostage was a little bit of an overstatement. They lived on a military base that sometimes people would take over. Jesus. like a military base that yeah sometimes people would take over jesus they're for sure going to

be able to figure out who we're talking about if they uh oh yeah if they're they're big fans i hope you guys are okay yeah yeah well i'm sure they are they they seem yeah yeah they've triumphed literally yeah from these things that happened before they were born still there are a real couple of Oprahs. Nice ladies. Well, one Gail. It's true. Greg. Mine also comes from two ladies talking. Not on a date, though. Just friends.

Still hot, though. With benefits, though. Yeah, you know, picking each other up, giving each other rides. Yeah, yeah. Friends. Two of the same thing. That's all. The only two things that Dave can think of that a friend does are one thing. I can think of things that friends do that aren't beneficial.

But, you know, picking each other up, giving each other rides, dropping each other off. Taking you to a place. Going somewhere. Driving you. Getting you from point A to point B. And they were, I don't know that they were even talking about movies or actors, but I think this was the one lady's attempt to kind of steer the conversation in a new direction. And her attempt was, I think Jonah Hill is just perfect. That's a new direction.

Yeah. Like, what do you say to that? Yes or no? Agree or argue? I like Jonah Hill a lot. I think he's perfect. I don't know why I like him so much. I never thought about it.

I think, you know what? I think I'm going to see those movies of his that I've never seen. You're going to see any movies? I'm going to see The Sitter. I'm going to see Cyrus. Yeah. Cyrus is good. Cyrus is supposed to be good. I haven't seen him. Karis is very funny. Cyrus is good. He's good. I'm going to see Cyrus. Yeah. Cyrus is good. Cyrus is supposed to be good.

I haven't seen him. Karis is very funny. Cyrus is good. He's good. I'm going to see Bernie. That's not him. Nope. That's right.

But he's been in some good stuff. Funny. He's fine. 21 Jump Street. Yep. That was funny. I didn't see it. It was funny.

It seems cuckoo bananas that that was the reboot of that. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was the most po-faced show. Yeah. Po-faced? Like po-boys? Like just very,

there was no sense of humor to it. There was no levity to it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess the Peter DeLuise character was kind of goofy. They only added 21. It was a script already. It wasn't Peter DeLuise.

It was Paul Prudhomme. Dom DeLuise. It was Dom DeLuise. He played a high school student. He had a big beard. 350 pounds. And he would always cook stuff in the home ec. I'm gonna make my

biggest chicken kitchen toaster. Yeah, but anyways, apparently the script was just a script about two undercover guys that go back to high school and then somebody was like oh that's the same as 21 jump street let's just call it 21 jump street so it doesn't actually oh yeah well the same thing was with moneyball they just a guy who figured out a different way to do baseball now i hear you have a third over her. Yeah, but can I do the second one? Yeah, sure. So, this is...

Kara, my wife, has... She's constantly mixing up... Confused about prostitutes. Yeah. But she's also constantly mixing up the names of white men. She's always thinking somebody, somebody else, and somebody... She wants, in one sentence, simultaneous... No, she's not white. She's always thinking somebody, somebody else. She wants, in one sentence, simultaneous

No, she's not white. She's not white, yeah. She's all the other races. She's a Benettonite. Yeah. She was born in the United Nations building. In a twins-esque

multi-sperm cocktail. So, she... But she... You gotta try the multi-sperm cocktail. It's delicious. It's on special today. She's always mixing up... So, she once simultaneously,

in one sentence, confused Judge Reinhold, Judd Hirsch, and Judd Apatow. All in one sentence confused judge reinhold judd hirsch and judd apatow all in one yeah judge dredd so last night a lot of people do confuse judd hirsch judge reinhold and judd nelson uh Nelson. Yeah, Judd Nelson. And Ashley Judd. Yeah. So she, last night, she says to me, we were listening to an interview of David Chase, the guy who created The Sopranos. And I'm a very big fan. That was Friday night. For you, you listened to an interview?

Yeah. Well, no, we were watching The Sopranos together and then, anyway. Oh, a new episode? Yeah, a new episode. It's the one where he is in crime. And she said to me, she was like, who would you rather meet? Now, here's the thing. I have been watching a lot of The Larry Sanders Show recently because I lent my – I have the complete DVDs and I lent them to a neighbor.

And then when I got them back, watched them again and I just love the show so much both of them Sopranos and the Larry Sanders show and so listening to the interview and she goes to me who would you rather meet David Chase or Gary

Marshall that's a tough choice I was so confused because I mean it would be neat to meet Gary Marshall I guess but I've never displayed any interest

at all in like Laverne Shirley New Year's Eve like I've shown like the fact that she was like it was like if somebody were to say to you like who would you rather meet Woody Allen or

the guy who delivers our pizza it was just the strangest but she meant Gary Shandling when you said David Chase then she put her Gary Marshall an evening with Gary Marshall tickets in the shredder. Well, I guess he doesn't like it. Uh-oh. Our anniversary.

The other thing that I have was an overseen, and I'm actually kind of wrestling with whether it's an appropriate one to bring up or not. Oh, then don't say it. Yeah, we're fine. We'll move on. No, of course say it. You're not really wrestling. You're gonna tell. No, I am. I'm on the fence about it because I... Okay, so what it was... Okay, fine. Don't say it. This is from... Wow. You sure?

No, I'm not sure. You're gonna say it. This is from one... But I reserve the right if we want to go back and excise it. It's just because it sort of centers around the N-word, the one from the United States. Okay. What's the one here? Niagara.

That's the Canadian boner pill. Oh, no. No. So anyway, when we were in Paris last fall, Cara and I went to the Eiffel Tower, which, I don't know, if you go to Paris, check it out. And when we were there, there's all kinds of people from all over the world are at the Eiffel Tower. But you wait in lineups to like get up the stages of it right right so there was uh so while we were there we were waiting in one of the lineups and there was

this dude right by us and uh he was a black guy from england and he was wearing a hat of the jay-z um kanye west song n words in paris so he was like he'd clearly done it on purpose to make a joke yeah that shit correct to be like yeah but no one could say to him like hey i get it because it'd be like boy the fuck you mean you get it? Like, if it wasn't on purpose. So it was just this thing that I saw that this guy was, like, trying to make a gag, trying to make a joke, but everyone was just kind of averting their eyes and unwilling to acknowledge that a joke had been made. I like it. Pretty good.

It's the most on-the-nose you could do it. Like, literally, you're at the Eiffel Tower. Oh, is that in Paris? Just don't sign it. Yeah, okay. And we're in Versailles. And we're in Versailles. Didn't Gwyneth...

No, no, what's her name? Gwyneth Paltrow? Gwyneth Paltrow, yeah. She sang it on stage or something? Did she really? No. She did something. She tweeted something. Well, someone sang it on stage who shouldn't have. She did something. She tweeted something.

Well, someone sang it on stage who shouldn't have. Yeah. I forget who it was. I feel like it was Gwyneth Paltrow. It was Paris Hilton. Like, technically, you guys. Alright. I just got it. Overheards are not just reserved for people in this room. Fuck that.

I'm out of here. They can also be sent in from people all over the world. And if you want to be one of those people, you can send it in to StopPodcastYourself at gmail.com And this first one comes from Scott from Minneapolis.

The Minneapolis, right? Yeah, one of the twin cities. The evil twin. I was in the locker room, and these dudes were talking about tattoos and motorcycles. Then they talked about a friend who had immigrated from Germany. Guy number one. My buddy was totally freaked out when he came to Minnesota and he saw all

this country, like all this empty land. Guy two, yeah? Guy one, it's super packed in Europe, I guess. Guy two, totally. Guy one, like, did you know that London is the size of Florida? Guy two, whoa, that's crazy. Guy one, or England or whatever. Guy two, whoa, that's crazy.

Guy one, or England or whatever. Because if London was the size of Florida... It's huge. It'd be the biggest city ever. Come check out our anging chads. Come to spring training. I love that I was in the locker room and they were talking about tattoos and motorcycles.

That's what men talk about in the locker room. Yeah, guy stuff. I got a tattoo of a motorcycle. They were in the locker room, so it was like, nice tattoo of a motorcycle on your butt. But isn't one of the big things that hitler's whole thing was his whole thing well one of his whole things uh was uh liebensraum

like more room living living space florida city he had a big living room so why was this german you'd think he'd be all lusty. Like, look at all this. I'm going to leave and all over it. Good historical perspective there. A little bit of historical perspective mixed in with ethnic prejudice. Absolutely. Send your letters to Dave's home address. Coming up, we've got pink.

This next one comes from Emmy from Buffalo. A friend of mine works for DC Public Schools at the elementary level. That's not a comic book. Yeah, it is. All the teachers are wearing Batman outfits. Yeah, the coach of the track team is the flash, et cetera, et cetera.

Oh man. So good. Uh, he can't stay. He can't stand grading all of their papers, but every now and then it's worth it. And this is a photo of a kid's answer about, uh,

it's like the question is about similes. So the setup is a simile is a comparison of two unlike people or things using the words like or as. Similes often contain exaggeration. John is as strong as a bull. Mary is like a human calculator. I think you should be emphasizing as. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Then it is his right, six similes. But six different people you know. The first one is, my neighbor is as high as a tower. That's pretty great. Students are like the endless treasure trove of overseens. Yeah. I don't grade any of this stuff at UBC, but when I was a TA at SFU

years ago, I was reading an essay about the Middle East, and one of the students wrote, religion was a big thing in the old Islam. Glad they got over that. Ye old Islam. In the old Islam. Good to be back here in the old islam what's the new islam like not that religious not as much as you think um this last one comes from joe m uh this isn't a direct overheard but i thought it was worth sharing. In a restroom at an Indiana University basketball game, college student whispering,

That's Meg Ryan next to you. High school age girl. Who's Meg Ryan? College student. She's dating John Mellencamp. Girl. Who's John Mellencamp? It's been pretty great.

Was it Meg Ryan? It was. Apparently it was Meg made by two cougars um pretty good yeah it was pretty good a couple of cougs uh so yeah uh them's them's all the overheards i got yeah uh well that's it for the show in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phone calls. If you've got the means. Who does these days? Yeah, I know. In this economy?

There you go. Good work, you guys. Phone us with your phone. [phone]. Like these people have. Heels. Hey, guys. This is Brian in South Florida with the overheard.

Hey, guys. This is Brian in South Florida with Overheard. We were at a family festival in downtown West Palm Beach last week, and they had people dressed up as Disney characters. There was a young lady dressed up as Ariel, a little mermaid, and getting in line to meet her as we walked by was a heavyset couple, and, like, their seven-year-old son dressed up as a pirate and the kid did not want to meet Ariel and take a picture and the father said, come on, buddy, I'll go up there and take a picture with you.

When his wife turned to him in a low, angry tone said, I bet you would. You've been looking at these mermaids all day. You're no Sebastian the Crab, you know. Sebastian the Crab wanted to have sex with Ariel, right? Who didn't? Who didn't, yeah. She was the real Jessica Rabbit of just a couple months after Jessica Rabbit. Of just a couple months after Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah. If you type in Jessica Rabbit into a Google search bar, it still says, like, Jessica Rabbit. Hot. Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. Naked. Like, it's been 25 years. People still want to fuck that cartoon. There are so many, like, most actresses today, if you do a Google search of them, because sometimes, like, someone will mention one.

You know, this is me having to explain why I'm Googling actresses. Yeah. And they'll be like, who's that person? Yeah. Who's this Jessica Rabbit? But you search for an actress, and the first word isn't always what you'd expect, which is like topless or nude. It's usually feet. Oh, yeah, creeps.

Quentin Tarantino's googling a lot of actresses. Oh, I thought you meant like something they'd accomplished. Yeah. Like what's one of Meg Ryan's feet? Jessica Alba, Feet of Strength. She fought that volcano. Jessica Alba's Feet of Strength. I googled the...

I got your volcano. On our fifth wedding anniversary, I posted the photo of... Jessica Alba. Yeah, and I was like, come on! Give me a free D5! I posted a photo of... Because Kara, my wife and I look a lot like Bobby Hill and Connie. Oh, yeah.

Susan is from... Yeah, from King of the Hill. Like, it's pretty ridiculous. And so I was looking for, like, a fun photo of the two of them to post to my Facebook. But as a little kind of sweet little thing for my wife but all you find when you google cartoon characters is

crude drawings of them fucking each other so it's just like it's just like it's Bobby Hill with a great big veiny dick or somebody having sex with It's just like Bobby Hill with a great big veiny dick. It's somebody having sex with. Oh, it's so vile.

You're not wrong. So disgusting. Because the market for that must be huge because it's everywhere. I can't stop seeing pictures of cartoon characters having sex. You just have to remember to put safe search back on if you're looking for anything cartoon related. Oh, so you should have just posted that? Well, that's what I did. Yeah. Because it was for romance.

It was the anniversary of our honeymoon. Yeah. Oh, wow. Next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Anne in Los Angeles. I have an overheard that is a combo, kids say the darndest things, and it's about hockey.

I've been volunteering at 826LA, which is a nonprofit that offers after-school programs, and I was working with a kid who was interviewing another kid on his feelings about the NHL lockout that had just ended. And this kid said, the players are probably ticked off because they're not getting the money and they lose teeth that they've already lost. They break bones. They get blood all over the ice.

They get hit so hard that they make babies. It's true. Guys, I missed my third period. You did it. You did it. Yeah, climbed that mountain. That's kind of stolen from a joke my aunt accidentally made once. Someone asked her right after she got married,

she got married to this super sports guy that she got divorced from. And so it didn't go into overtime. Yeah. Pretty good. So somebody said to her, they were like, how's married life? She's like, it's fine. In between periods. Pretty good.

That is pretty good. Classic family line. That's where you get it from. Yep. Oh, man. That is awesome. Making babies on the ice Yeah somebody really dropped the ball On the talk

I'll get to the other part of it After this period They're losing teeth, they're bleeding on the ice They're making babies They get to hit so hard Oh wow Oh I love it Like a worm cut in half that becomes two worms.

You just knock a guy hard enough. Then you just make another worm. A chunk of him flies off and becomes his child. When you cut a worm in half, I never considered that. When you cut a worm in half, it becomes two worms. Does one of them become the baby of the other one? Like, what are their opinions of each other? What's their relation?

Yeah. The one that is the butt half ends up being the baby. Because he's really dumb. He's got butt for brains. Yeah, exactly. So it's the head half. Because he's the only one who can hold down a worm job. A worm job.

Yeah, you know, he knows where all the tunnels are. Apple isn't going to hold itself. Here's your final phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Katie from Oakland, California. I'm calling to report an overheard. I just started working as an intern at a middle school, which is kind of a hotbed for overheards.

And pretty much every day I hear something pretty great. But on my first day, I heard, especially the one I wanted to share, during the announcement, the assistant principal told the kids that they needed to clean up the litter that was in the yard, that there was so much litter in the yard and that it was unacceptable. And I heard a kid in the classroom next door say, but the trash is famous. Like a tourist attraction. People come by the school to see our trash. Yeah, exactly.

It's gotten really a good reputation. Got a lot of followers on Twitter. My favorite is still that she phrased it that she had to report. I'm calling a report and overheard What is the police code for an overheard? I want to record a 187 Wait, what's a 187?

That's a murder Oh, that's what you do when you blink Is that 187? No, it's 182 Yeah, that's right Blink 187 is like the super group, like, gangster rap slash pop punk. Blink 187. What is it, 187?

A murder. Yeah. Ah, was that the case they gave you? We are running on views. Well, this has been great. Thanks, Charlie. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye, everybody.

Fastest wrap-up ever. Charlie, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Where can people find you online, et cetera? They can find me on Twitter at at Charlie Demers. That's two ats? At at Charlie. Yeah. It's a stammer? At at Charlie. Yeah. It's a

it's a stammer all the time online. I'll be in Victoria in February at

Heckler's and I'll be back in March for an episode of the Debaters a taping of the Debaters in Victoria and also

if you're planning long term I'm going to be at the Halifax Comedy Festival this year. Nice! At the end of April. So if you're mad about me doing a Newfoundland accent for my Nova Scotia overheard, come angrily heckle.

Yeah, exactly. Go throw a card at us. Go throw a card like they can find any. There it is. Dave, anything to plug? Just in case the listeners don't know, I don't know if everyone updates their podcasts daily, but in the past week we've released two bonus episodes.

One episode was our live episode from Calgary, which people quite enjoyed. Yeah. We recorded on the back of a bowl. Yeah. That's right. Which I don't remember very well, which people quite enjoyed. Yeah. Recorded on the back of a bowl. Yeah. Yep. That's right. And I,

which I don't remember very well because people kept sending us up shots of Jägermeister. Yeah, that's right. We asked them for them. Yeah. So that was our own fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, clearly we've done

200 some odd episodes where we drink Jägermeister every day. It's our thing. Where we do Jäger bombs. Yeah, we want people to send us Jäger. It's our thing. That's a reputation we've been building so we don't have to buy our own Jägermeister.

Yeah, it's expensive. And also an episode live from, oh yeah, and the guests on that one are Amanda Brook-Perrin and Ryan Belville and your father. Yes. Movie reviewer. Oh, pretty good. And a lot of fun a live episode from max fun con

east with harry conda bolu yeah which was also a lot yeah totally um and also you know while you're checking things out like that go over to maximum fun.org read the blog recap that dave puts up

each and every week pictures and videos relating to the content may i may i plug one more thing? Please. This coming Saturday, the 2nd of February, Groundhog Day, there is a show happening at the Little Mountain Gallery on

26th and Main. Rap battles. Oh yeah. Rap battles. And you'll be there? I'll be there rapping. Yeah, it is a... I think we spoke about it once. Graham and I saw it in Toronto and we loved it. Yeah. We're thrilled.

Yeah. It's this amazing show where two people are paired up, and they do characters, and they rap against each other, and it'll be great. Yes. So look for that. Yeah, and the plug-overse on the 18th of February. That's the Laugh Gallery at the Havana. Hey. Hey now. Hey now. Is that Gary Marshall?

That's Gary Marshall. And two days after that, if you don't mind me piggybacking that, if you like comedy and you like commercial drive, which why wouldn't you? I only like one of those things. Guess which one. If you were at the Laugh Gallery on the 18 18th on the 20th you can come see my monthly show at falcon eddies yeah why not damon shredder will be headlining i

don't know he does sort of past guest damon shredder past guest he does three podcasts yeah he's fun he's fun uh so that's good. Good round of plugs. Dave's going to go to bed. Thanks for listening to the show. If you want to get in touch with us, it's Stop Podcasting Yourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting yourself.