Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 260 - Michelle Shaughnessy

Episode Date: March 10, 2013

Comedian Michelle Shaughnessy returns to talk ugly blondes, pointless pets, and an uncomfortable taxi ride.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 260 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. With me as always is, I would say probably, Macklemore's number one fan, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm not familiar with who that is.

Are you going to pop some tags? Is that a thing? Is that one of his poems? I don't know who he is. I don't know who he is. And our guest today, returning guest, a woman who was part of the Vancouver scene for a while. Now she's flown the coop, as they say in the comedy world. And the chicken world.

That's right. And now makes her home in Toronto. But she's back in town doing the clubs this weekend. Yes. And we're very glad to have her back, Miss Michelle Shaughnessy. Thank you. It's very happy to be here. It is very. It is very happy.

It's very happy here and it's happy to be here. Welcome back. This beer is going to my head. Yeah. Well, it's fine. That's where it's supposed to go. As long as it doesn't go to your hips. Am I right, ladies?

Whoa. Whoa. Let's get to know us. This is fucking awesome. Get to know us. Michelle Shaughnessy. Graham Clark. What's shaking?

Not much. No, that's not true. That's not true. You're a blonde now. I'm a blonde now. After a lifelong of being brunette. Lifelong of being dark, dark brunette. I've never gone blonde before.

And? And I love it. Graham, you've been a blonde dark, dark brunette. I've never gone blonde before. And? And I love it. Graham, you've been a blonde your whole life. Yeah, and I've always had more fun. You seem like a guy who enjoys fun. Oh, absolutely. I'm having a bit too much fun. Like, I don't know what that means.

What does that mean? Like you're all tuckered out in the middle of the day and need a nap kind of fun? No, more like out till 6 a.m. kind of fun. But it's because it's like, you know, every day I wake up and I'm like, I'm blonde. I look good. I'm like, I want to go out and show it off. So I've just been doing that for like two weeks since I got it done. You don't automatically look good if you're blonde.

No, but I look good blonde. Right. Okay. Thank you. You sure do. Good word, Jake. Yeah. But like there's plenty of ugly blondes

oh sure Ed Begley Jr. is he ugly? no no no I mean you know he's Hollywood I'm not a good judge

yeah who's an ugly blonde oh the guy who played Dauber on Coach oh no Bill Fagerberg no I love Dauber oh okay sorry

yeah I had a crush on him for sure let's see Jerry Van Dyke from Coach no no no he's a very handsome who would be

an ugly blonde? Oh, brother. Craig T. Nelson. Not blonde. No, you're right. Shelley Long? Shelley Long was good looking.

Yeah, she was. Oh, man. This is tough stuff. Hulk Hogan? Oh, he's very handsome. He's very handsome. He's very handsome. Okay.

Oh, Fabio. What? Fabio's famously good looking. I think he's horrific looking. What? You're wrong about that. Yeah. Okay. Oh, Fabio. What? Fabio's famously good looking. I think he's horrific looking. What? You're wrong about that. Yeah.

Yeah. 50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong. I make bad decisions. Daniel Craig. Nope. No. Oh, he's a blonde Bond.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Do blonde Bonds have more fun? But are they all attractive? I guess all blondes are attractive. Bond. Blonde. Bond.

Yeah. I can't think of a... When he goes to have his tips frosted, he asks to be shaken, not stirred. That doesn't work. He just got me an ugly blonde. This is going to bother me for the rest of my life. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. For the rest of your life?

Well, you know what's going to happen. I'm going to go downtown after this and take pictures of blondes that may or may not be ugly, and I'm going to get punched in the face or something. What about Zachary Ty Bryan? No. Who's the ugliest of the... No, he wasn't. The youngest one was the ugliest.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. The kids from Home Improvement we're talking about? Yeah. And the best looking was, of course, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. JT.

Absolutely. JT Square. How cool do you think he's due for a comeback? Obviously. What do you think, what kind of comeback vehicle would suit a Jonathan Taylor Thomas? A TV show, for sure.

Like some sort of like One Tree Hill type show or something like that. Do you think he'd come back in a drama? I think so. Is that what One Tree Hill is? I, I, I, sure. Yeah. I like that that's part of your pitch and you're like, wait, I'm not sure what One Tree Hill is. Guys, it's kind of like One Tree Hill if you knew what that was.

As in I won't watch it either. I think maybe a reality show, following him around. No, he's not going to do a reality show. What's he not going to do? Is he sitting back on his money from that? He probably does have a lot of money. He did those Christmas movies,

like the I'll Be Home for Christmas. Oh, there was, wait, there was more than one of those? I'm pretty sure there was two. Okay. He might not have done the second one. I couldn't have named one of them. He was in Man of the House with Chevy Chase.

He was in Man of the House with Chevy Chase. I was almost his body double. What? Shut up, Dave. Dave, tell us the story, please. One day at my school, they said, hey, all the shortest kids, come over here. We're looking to cast the body double for Jonathan Taylor Thomas. So don't cut your hair, anyone, until summer.

So you were like Milhouse in that episode, the radioactive man. But I ended up not being his body double because I was too tall. Oh, that's sad. He's pint-sized. You should have cut your feet off. Don't cut your hair, but cut your feet off if you think you're too tall. We're going to need you to trim your feet a little. Yeah, there's tricks to make a person look taller, but I don't think there are any tricks to making you look shorter.

Yeah, they use apple boxes to make you taller. Yeah, or like you could wear lifts or you could like do your hair up taller. High heels. Like Macklemore? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Who is this? he's one of the ugliest blondes no don't

you shut your mouth okay you shut your mouth don't you shut your mouth don't you shut your mouth um which of the uh oh is one of the

Brady sisters from the Brady Bunch was the was one of them the ugly one she was the problem is famous people are good looking

exactly okay you're right there's gotta be oh oh Paula Deen. I don't think of her as blonde. I'm going to get hate mail now. That's what's going to happen. From her.

Written in butter. I was just going to say that. Is she blonde? I think of her as a white-haired silver fox. Yeah, a real... What's the name? Slathery? A guy from...

Yeah, John Slathery. Yeah. But she's more Butter Slathery. Butter Slathery. I love it. Oh, what about Tan Mom? Yeah. Okay, we found a good one.

She looks like she has a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But I'm not... I don't remember her well enough. But also, if she's tanning that much, she was a completely different Pantone. Like if she's tanning that much, there's a good chance that she's not naturally blonde.

Yeah, but we didn't say, I'm not natural blonde. And you're still having a lot of fun. Yeah. So much. It's not about fun. It's about looks. Oh, right. Whoops.

I forgot what we were talking about. I think I look better. Most people have said that. I've had maybe two people that say they preferred the brunette. And so you're never going back? That's not true. I'm not going back right now. Okay.

Yeah. I just wanted to change it up a little, you know? Sure. I wanted to feel pretty. And so you just recently, you transplanted from Vancouver to Toronto. You transplanted your hair? Yeah. You got a hair transplant.

I did. I did. What if that was the only way of doing it? Yeah. She got it from Dauber. Dauber gave up his celebrity loss. It was a reality show. You were on a reality show, weren't you?

I don't want to talk about that. I think we talked about that last time. All right. Yeah. I'm sorry. We might have, but you can find it in my stand-up. Yeah. I talk about it there.

Speaking of stand-up, you're going to the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. I am going to the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. I'm really excited. What's that about? What's your excitement about? I'm doing the Mars and Venus Gala, which I think is perfect for me because I have a lot of like... Because you've been to space. Yeah – Because you've been to space. Yeah.

Because I've been to space. Because you're a big fan of that Paul McCartney album. Well, because Venus rhymes with penis and I'm familiar with those. I think that was the obvious choice. Obvi. So I'm doing that and then I'm doing like the dark and stormy show. Yeah, and I'm excited. Like I've never done anything –

I'm trying to think of something Mars- I've never done any festivals for television before. So it's a new experience for me that I feel really honored to be included Have you ever been to Winnipeg? No Yeah, it's cold It's windy

I've heard That covers it, right? Cold and windy But they don't have any ugly people Yeah, all good looking people I don't want to go there again I love going to small towns where I'm like, I'm a tan. What, without, you know, putting yourself in harm's way, could you think of what the ugliest town you've ever played in?

Oh, of course I could. Like people wise or the surroundings? I mean, you know, six, one half the other. I was thinking people-wise. I think I might get in trouble if I say that, though. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, don't say it. We'll disguise your voice.

Yeah, I can totally think of it right now. Well, you should just say it. Well, we'll disguise your voice. All I know, on an unrelated note, I did a gig in Langley recently. Okay. She is, for the record. Sorry about did a gig in Langley recently. Okay.

She is, for the record. Sorry about that. Really? Langley? No good? Have you been to Langley? Langley is a suburb of British Columbia, for the listener not from around here. Yeah.

Langley. It's kind of, they referred to it as the boonies yesterday on Real Housewives of Vancouver. Langley would be super hot if it was the 90s. I just think that they're like a little behind. I saw a lot of Zach Morris hair and Kelly Kapowski like... Zach Morris is one of the ugly blondes. You shut your face.

You shut your face. I think you've had enough wine. I don't like the sass talk. Don't you talk about my Zach Morris. So Langley, but what was the city you were thinking of? There was one that obviously jumped to the front of your mind. I can't say it. I'll get in trouble.

Is it in Ontario? No. Is it in Alberta? No. Is it in Saskatchewan? No. Is it in BC? No.

Is it in, well, you've never been to Manitoba, so it's not Manitoba. Is it Manitoba? No. Is it in the Maritimes? Yes. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Fish face. Yeah. A lot of people breeding? Yes. Oh. Okay, yeah, fish face. Yeah. A lot of people breeding with fish. Yeah, a lot of... So instead of saying the actual city, let's just assume that you think everyone from the Maritimes is... No, no, don't say that. I love the Maritimes. You just don't want to look at their face.

Okay, not all places, just this one place. They were ugly. Yeah, well, like just at the show or everywhere you looked? Everywhere I looked. Wow. Yeah, I know. I felt really bad for the mayor of the town. The mayor was there? No, because then people would be like, you're the mayor of

Ugly Town. That's what I would say if I met him. Do you think that the mayor of Ugly Town benefits from being the ugliest guy in town or he's the best looking guy in town? That's why everybody voted for him. We should Google the mayor of this town and see what he looks like. Yeah. That should probably happen at some point. I'm surprised that you didn't march down to City Hall to see for yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was winter. Oh, sure. Yeah, I don't march in the winter. Fair enough. I'm Canadian. We should do a thing. Well, not us because it seems like it's going to require effort.

But they should do a thing where there's like a reality show search for Canada's ugliest town. Oh, yeah. Or even North America. I would let America in. And then, like, see what is so ugly about them. Like, when you visit, do they give you an ugly key to the city? Do they put a ring of garlic around your neck I don't know that people

if you went into people's towns and were like alright we're setting up cameras to find I think people would be offended I don't think

you tell them right away hey you don't tell them right away you say that this is the search for the most beautiful town yeah yeah yeah

it's like that that reality show they had where they were trying to find the worst singer but they WB superstar I was just about to bring that show up. That was the best show ever Do you think that was real wait? What was the thing? It was a reality show where they The the viewers were in on the joke

But the contestants were not and it was it was like it was the exact same setup as American Idol. But all the crazies that come to American Idol and are terrible singers. They were like, you're amazing. Yeah, they let them through. And anyone who could actually sing, they would freak out and be like, you're the worst. Like, who told you you were good? But then the girl that won, I felt so bad for her because she won and sang. And then they told her in front of all these people on TV and like, that it was a joke and that she was actually terrible.

Eventually, I think they kind of were onto it when they were like, hey, all these other people are terrible singers. I feel like that. I totally feel like that because I think that they were acting so much in that last episode. Like, they were, like, crawling on the floor, you know. But they didn't bring it back for another season. And the judges, do you remember? They didn't? No.

That does not surprise anybody. Do you remember the judges? Oh, it was for another season. And the judges, do you remember? They didn't? No. That does not surprise anybody. Do you remember the judges? Was one of them, oh, oh, Vitamin C? Yes, and Tone Loke, wasn't it? Oh, right, maybe. The funky cold Medina guy. And I forget who the other guy was. Vitamin C from the graduation song?

Yes, from only the graduation song. She had a song before that, I think. I don't know. Drink your OJ every day. Yeah, and I think she was in, she was on like, she was in the faculty or something. She was only in school related things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's the, what is the point of that show except to make one person feel really bad about themselves? That's the point. Yeah, that's the point. Yeah, that's it i

don't i think you're trying to look too deep here you're right man that's something i try to do a lot i'm a real deep thinker that way you're very deep um so uh canada's ugliest city covered um you're going to winnipeg first time ever first time being on television? No, no, no. First time doing a festival. No, I've done that. I gotta go. You were on WB Superstar. Listen, guys. You lost. Listen, do you want me to sing for you?

As we walk this... Everybody sings that song. Except one guy that sings Funky Cole Medina. Funky Cole Medina. Oh, you know the words. If I was going to go on a show like that, I would sing that. What's that song? Like, wow. One that doesn't have any words.

That would be my audition song. Oh, yeah. Yellow. Yeah. The theme from Ferris Bueller. Yeah. Yellow were like the taco of our generation. Yeah, that's true.

What was taco? Putting on the wrist? Yeah. That, that's true. What was taco? Putting on the Ritz? Yeah. That was just his recipe for an outrageous taco. Put it on a Ritz. Can we, do you guys, is there tacos here? Here and now? In Canada?

No, like, am I, is this? Oh, is this the prelude to where we bring out the tacos? Yeah, is that, am I supposed to be? We shoehorned, we're so glad you said yellow so I could say taco. Yeah. We're glad to welcome our new sponsor, Pace Picante. When's this going to be on? Ten minutes from now.

We're on a late time delay in case in case you make fun of any ugly cities so can I swear is that can I swear yeah absolutely

by the moon in the stars in the sun I swear boys to men like the shine no it's all for one oh sorry

the one with the one white guy oh what I don't remember that what I just remember yeah it was all for one white guy. The edge of Cinderella, you hoped it would come true. That one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you.

Do you remember now? Nope. WB Superstar. Give me another verse. You like romantic movies and you never will forget the way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet. And then the big baritone comes in. He's like, and all the time that you've been waiting, you don't have to wait no more. Were kids watching Romeo and Juliet?

I can love you like that. Is that the same song? I can't remember. Yeah, it is. Wait, was that the same song? Yeah, it was. Oh, wow. I just went into the chorus. Okay. All right. All right. I can love you like that. But that? I can't remember. Yeah, it is. Wait, was that the same song? Yeah, it was. Oh, wow. I just went into the chorus.

Okay. All right. All right. I Can Love You Like That, but that wasn't, I swear, was it? No. You went for the popular one, okay? Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay.

I'm so sorry. Those were both, forget the name of it. All for one. All for one. Thank you. Whew. Man, I did not know, and to this day do not know, my mixed singing group. There was one white guy.

Yeah, but that makes it mixed. Yeah, you're right. Was there a Chinese guy? No, it was just white. No, it was black and white. You don't believe that races should mix in singing groups. Yeah, well, not in singing groups. I don't think Chinese people, I've never seen it.

I'm trying to think of a boy band that has an Asian person. Oh, yeah. Oh. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, probably. Ugly blonde people. Yeah.

And boy bands. A boy band with Chinese people. These are all, these would be great things to just Google. I mean, there are Chinese boy bands that have nothing but Chinese. Yeah, there are, but they're all like Chinese. Yeah, they're all like Chinese. But I'm saying like, you know, like imagine if Boyz II Men had like a. I think it would that a little something so so like there would be a guy who because they all had personalities right yeah there was the bad boy and the less bad boy and the nice boy i don't know would the guy just

be the chinese boy probably oh he'd'd be, oh, he'd be. Don't say it. Don't say whatever you're thinking. He'd be the accountant. Oh, God. That's worse than what I thought you were going to say. Really? What did you think I was going to say?

The smart one. That's the same thing. That's not worse. It's not like I didn't say anything bad. Well, you didn't say anything good. No, I didn't. I could never be an accountant. How come? didn't say anything good. No, I didn't. I could never be an accountant. How come?

Because you're not Chinese. Oh, man. I think we learned that from your reality show appearance. Yeah. I hate you all. Canada's worst singer. Canada's worst accountant. I could be all of the amount.

Just call it Canada's worst. Oh, see, that would be. That would be a good show. Because there's a show. Canada's Worst Driver. Canada's Worst Driver. Is that an American a good show. Because there's a show. Canada's Worst Driver. Canada's Worst Driver. Is that an American show as well? Yeah, it was an American show, and then they brought it to Canada.

Well, no, I think it was a British show. I don't think they ever had it in the States. There's also Canada's Worst Handyman. Yes, there is. Handyman. That show is actually a lot of fun to watch. Oh, really? We should do Canada's Worst and then just find a bunch of, like,

shitty people. These shows do very well. Canada's Worst Rapist. I don't think anybody wants to see the worst or the best. The worst would be okay because you would

never get to do it. Well. Agreed and disagreed. Even then, I think the spirit of the show is in the wrong place. I feel like we're so different, you guys. Yeah, that's true.

I hate to give you notes and be the executive harshing your artistic vibe. But this comes all the way from the top. Yeah. Canada's worst rapist is a no-go. Yeah, it's a non-starter. Fine, I'll spend another three years of my life on another show writing and perfecting. So how are things in Toronto? I haven't been.

This is me changing gears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I ruined things. I think Ken has the worst gear change. I haven't been there much, but things are good. I love my roommate. He's hilarious and fun. So it's really, it's nice to live with another comic. I haven't done that ever but things are good I love my roommate he's hilarious and fun

so it's really it's nice to live with another comic I haven't done that ever you live with Garfield? I do I live with Garfield

I live with all of the Peanuts gang oh man that would be so loud because they always do those dance numbers I know and I'm just like Linus take a shower

oh wait Linus isn't the one that needs to wait who's the stinky one? Pigpen I was gonna say his name was Dirtbag Dirtbag? Well in Michelle's

defense she's choking to death Are you okay? I'm totally fine I quit smoking and now all this stuff is like coming up How long ago did you quit smoking? Oh it's been like a day. That's not true.

Has it only been a day? Okay, well. Why is your body reacting so harshly? I decided to stop three days ago, but the girl I'm staying with smokes, and I've had two of hers every night. So I went from a pack a day to two cigarettes a day, and now today is my first day with none. And how do you feel? Yeah, but what time did you have the two cigarettes? Every night.

Okay, my last cigarette was at 6 o'clock in the morning. But I was really drunk. You were really drunk at 6 o'clock in the morning? Yes. I told you, we were all hanging out. Yeah, yeah. So today is the first... First day of the rest of your life.

Yeah, but are you going of your life. Yeah. But are you going to start smoking? Since 4. Okay, well. Since 4 p.m. So you've been smoke-free for three hours. Yes. Thank you, guys.

And you're coughing up, though. I was a pack-a-day smoker. So there's stuff waiting to just get out of my was like, I was a pack-a-day smoker. So there's stuff, like, waiting to just get out of my body. When were you a pack-a-day smoker? For, like, the past five years. I was a pack-a-day wolf hunter. Really? I've been smoking for, I was smoking for 16 years. You've been smoking for 16 years?

A pack a day? No, a pack a day for about the past five years. That's too many packs. Yeah, that's amazing. I didn't, I had no idea. You must be rich. I knew that you smoked, but I didn't know. No, I'm not rich.

I just make really bad decisions. I hear you're an accountant. You're one of Canada's best. What's the old joke? Isn't there an old joke about a guy who like tells a person who smokes like, oh, if you didn't smoke, you'd have enough money for a Ferrari. And then the smoker's like, where's your fucking Ferrari? That's really funny. I'm going to smoke again.

Thank you. No, no, no. That makes me. Thank you. No, no, no. No, that makes me feel really good. No, no, no, no, no. Are you using like a gum? No, I don't believe in any of that. I don't believe in nicotine replacement therapy. How about hypnotism?

No, I don't ever want to get hypnotized. Why not? What do you think will happen? I don't know, but I don't want to know. I have a lot of secrets up here. Oh, really? I'm pointing at my head right now. Oh, you're afraid the hypnotist will be like, tell me the name of that ugly town.

Now that you're under. What do you think, like, if, so you're afraid that if somebody hypnotizes you, you'll just start telling secrets? I don't know. But I also – I knew someone who got hypnotized to quit smoking. Four of them did it.

Four girls that I worked with. I didn't do it. And then one girl was, like, in a dark depression for, like, three weeks, and she couldn't figure out why. And, like, her doctor was, like, sometimes that's a side effect of being hypnotized. Like, you just – like, and she was just – she walked around, like, so depressed for three weeks. Like, she had never suffered from depression in her life. Um, and for some reason that just, I don't know why. How did she come out of it? Did somebody just snap?

And she was like, Oh, I feel better. No, I think she just, I think it just took a bit of time. Like, but she just felt weird. She didn't feel like herself for three weeks. And she like went to the doctors and all this stuff. And they were like suffering from severe depression. And she's like, but I've never had this problem before. Cause like hypnotism is like a real thing, right?

Well, allegedly. No, it is. But like people, like it's not like a thing like. If you don't want to get put under, it's not going to happen. Oh, yeah. You can resist it. Yeah. Okay.

But like. You have to be in the right. You have to want it. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You have to be really relaxed. Are we talking about Canada's worst rapist again? Sorry. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You have to be really relaxed. Are we talking about Canada's Worst Rapist again? Sorry. You better be.

We mixed that idea right out of the gates. Stop pitching it. Stop trying to make it happen. Canada's Worst Hypnotist, however, would be a fantastic That would be really funny. Or if it was along the WB superstar model where they took people who thought they were really good hypnotists.

And like the people would play along and pretend to be hypnotized. That would be great. Dude, that would be really funny. And you'd be hypnotizing Tone Loke. You never wrote funky comatose. Yeah, that would be really funny. You'd love to do the wild thing. Hella funny.

Yeah, like, well, what's... funny hella funny yeah like well what uh because i remember when i was a kid at the stampede they used to have like uh celebrity not celebrity uh famous yeah celebrity cowboy it was like a like stage hypnotist okay yeah and uh they have stage hypnotist and they have like adult stage hypnotist this was i think he had an after dark show that he did but this was like the day daytime or after like you're gonna act like a chicken yeah yeah yeah but he brought up a girl that i knew from like uh like an acting class that i did when i was like that seems too coincidental that like he would just at random pick an actress person. Right, right, right.

You know what I mean? So like, is that also a part of it? You were also there and could have easily got picked and she would have been like, ah, that's an actor person. Yeah. So think about that.

Well, I saw what I am and I'm getting very sleepy. Why don't you Facebook her and ask her? We're not Facebook friends. I think this was pre-Facebook. This was when I was a kid. I don't even think we had phones yet. Was there dinosaurs? We're not Facebook friends. I think this was pre-Facebook. This was when I was a kid. I don't even think we had phones yet. Was there dinosaurs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. We didn't have Facebook. We had Dino Book. I saw one. Because we didn't have faces? It'd be more likely it was called Face Dino. Yeah.

They didn't even have books when they had dinosaurs. Dino Book. Those are the alarms. Can't read books. They didn't even have books with dinosaurs. Dino book. Because they're little arms. Can't read books. I saw an X-rated hypnotist. And he brought up like 20 people on stage. Who wants to be hypnotized? And people went up on stage.

And he went into his little thing. And he said, if you're still awake at the end of this, let me know. And you can just walk off stage and then and so like they're like half the people ended up not getting hypnotized because it doesn't work on everyone oh did you get hypnotized no okay i remember opening for a hypnotist in ottawa yes and he's like tony lee yeah probably probably he does all like the all the clubs did you have you ever worked with him yeah did you like where he made the he's like i need five minutes of silence or whatever in order to like get the yeah he has to get like yes you have to like he has to set the

room so like you spend half an hour like warming up the room and then he's like i need silence yeah it doesn't make any sense but but people really do it like i talked to people after, and they were legitimately shocked at the stuff that they've done. Because when they snap out of it, they feel like only a minute's gone by. Why do people volunteer for that? Because they don't know that they won't remember it. Oh, they think like, oh, this is going to be so crazy. This will be a fun thing. And he can tell.

I saw one guy that was faking it, and he was like, off. Like, you're not on there. Yeah, he used a dog command. Off. Is it like something like in CSI where you could hypnotize somebody and then tell them to murder somebody and then unhypnotize them? Absolutely. Can that happen? Well, that's what I'm asking you.

You're the expert. Do you guys have any books on hypnosis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave's got a whole collection. Yeah. Time-life collection. So you could just make somebody do bad things for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave's got a whole collection. Yeah. Time-life collection. So you could just make somebody do bad things for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or good things. Puppet stuff. Yeah, get you to do your chores for you. There's got to be a CSI about that. I think there is. I honestly think I feel like that's true. Las Vegas is full of these dirtbag hypnotists. Is there any hypnotist in-

Dude, there is an episode of that. There totally is an episode like that. It might not be CSI but it's something it might have been the new Miami Vice because it seems like a really shitty storyline

it will be on for four episodes or something no it's still on what yes it is are you thinking of the new Hawaii Five-0

that's what I said was there even a new Miami Vice there was a movie I feel like there might have been a new Miami Vice TV show. Okay, well, I meant the Hawaii Five-Up. But why are there hypnotists in Hawaii? This doesn't make any sense.

I think I'm wrong. Maybe I should go. No, you're doing great. The Toronto beer is getting... I'm drinking a beer from Toronto. Yeah. Because I saw it and he was like, which one do you want? And I was like, Toronto.

Not that I didn't love Vancouver. I don't want it to sound like them. No, absolutely. We're glad to have you back. Thanks. Now, so you're just getting back to the quitting smoking. You're just quitting. Cold turkey.

You didn't read a book. No, I did read a book, but I've read the book a million times. Oh, is it that book? That book, yeah. That everyone says works? Yeah, it does work, but every time I've started smoking again has been when I've been drinking. Like, I can have a few drinks and be fine, but last night I got to that point where I was like, give me a smoke. What is that point?

18 shots? Okay, here's the thing about me and alcohol. Go ahead. If I drink beer, three beers, and I'm shman. If I drink vodka, I could drink, like, 15 or 20 and still be fine. So I had, like, four or five beers last night. And I was like, and then we went to my friend's house with,

I told you, our friend Simon came with us. Yeah. And then we were drinking Sailor Jerry's and Coke. What is a Sailor Jerry's? Spice it up. That's a lot of sugar. I was really hung over today.

Yeah. Yeah. I was really hung over today. Why do you think you can drink so much vodka? Do you have Russian roots? Can you pronounce vodka for us again? Vodka. Vodka. Vodka. I thought she hungover. Why do you think you can drink so much vodka? Do you have Russian roots? Can you pronounce vodka for us again? Vodka. Vodka.

Vodka. I thought she said vodka. Vodka. I can drink as much vodka as I want. That's Fozzie the drunk. But I also think it's because when I drink vodka, I drink vodka and water. Yeah. So I think I'm essentially hydrating myself as I'm drinking as a hostages.

That's smart. So I think that might be why. Yeah. Which sucks because it's more expensive. But I'm a blonde girl. Worth it. So I'm drinking as a hostages. So I think that might be why. Which sucks because it's more expensive. But I'm a blonde girl so I'm not going to pay for drinks. Yeah, that's right. So you've read this book.

Can you sum up the smoking book for me? Not really. It's really hard. It's just... It's called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr. And it's like you read it. You don't quit smoking until you're done the book. And as you're reading it, it just talks.

Are you stuck on the last page? But as you're reading it, like it just talks more about like the brainwashing that you've encountered like by being a smoker, right? It's really hard to explain, honestly. I would just like I can email you a copy. I could probably look it up. No, Alan Carr, he's not even a, he's not a doctor or anything. He's just a guy who quits. No, but he has, his clinics, he has clinics all over England and the States.

I think he's passed away now. He's very old. He was very old. Oh, does the book have the word fag in it a lot? No. Oh, okay. But the British version might. Okay.

Because he changed it to the canadian version okay yeah so he um but his clinics had like an over like a 92 success rate or something like that oh yeah well you don't look like somebody who smoked a pack a day for five years i know right yeah but here's the thing i never had wrinkles before until like recently and that's what made me stop those are those aren't wrinkles those are laugh lines. Yeah, they're wrinkles. No, no. Well, I mean, they're technically wrinkles

but you can't avoid them. I got like injections to get rid of them and it only lasted like You got injections to get rid of them? Of course. Of what?

Of this. Of Juvederm. And it's like Botox but more expensive but it didn't like I don't know. It's like I just didn't take to it.

Like it didn't work. Like it only worked for like a month and then it just went away. What is Juvederm? Yeah. It's cosmetic I just didn't take to it. Like, it didn't work. Like, it only worked for like a month and then it just went away. What is Juvederm? Yeah. It's cosmetic filler. Oh, wow.

Yeah, so I'm going to go. We talked all about filler on the last episode. Did you? With the Real Housewives and the vampire facelift. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of the vampire facelift? No. That's where they take blood out of your arm and put it into your face.

Oh, my God. I'm going to do it. Oh, my God. But I am going back to get these done. Like here, I'm getting Botox in my head before I wear the peg. You're making them happen with your fingers right now. You can't even see them. Well, now you can see them, now that you're making a crazy

face. Does my brain hold if I do this? Is that a big part of your act now, is making crazy faces? Are you the new Jim Carrey? I'm a French comic they do that they make faces

yeah they do they do and that's why my French teacher in high school told me that a lot of French people don't get wrinkles

as like as you know like they get them when they're older because they use so much facial expressions

and stuff that they stretch their skin more than any other language like to speak French what? really? yeah I want to believe

watch a French person talk like they use their mouth a lot like they're stretching that's true plus all that kissing oh yeah they invented that stuff and steamies

yeah also the amount of hot dogs they eat okay Dave what's going on with you? oh you know I've been hanging out Also the amount of hot dogs they eat. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, you know. I've been hanging out with some completely pointless animals for the last few days.

That's pretty cool. We're taking care of a friend's guinea pig at the moment. Are you excited about that? Where is it? We had to hide it away because it is like a dander factory and graham is so allergic i'm very allergic oh it's probably the size of my chihuahua probably i could have brought a sweater but it is it is just the like i mean i got nothing against it i just feel bad for it because it you know it lives in a cage it It goes to the bathroom its entire weight in a day. You can't just

let it run around, eh? No, because it goes to the bathroom its entire weight. It's constantly going to the bathroom. And that's the animal that they choose to keep in an enclosed space. And it has no interaction with the outside world. That's really sad.

But it has no idea. Do guinea pigs exist in some sort of wild form? Are they like squirrels? Are they? They are. Actually, they are. I believe Abby told me this. There's an except like apparently Catholics on Friday aren't allowed to eat meat.

Okay. They can only eat fish. Yeah. Or guinea pigs. No. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

I've never heard. I was raised Catholic and I've never heard that. Well, because they don't have a... This is like, if I'm wrong, I feel like the biggest... And we're allowed to eat meat on Fridays now. The Pope changed that in the 80s, I think. Oh, cool. 70s or 80s or something like that.

That's why he was so beloved. Sure. That's true. But yeah, because that's what they had there. Oh, they? Well, no, because it was all based on the new world. Like the Pope wanted to have more Catholic places in the world. Right.

And so he's like, oh, yeah, by the way, we want to support all this fish that's coming from North America. So you all have to eat fish on Fridays. And South America, guinea pigs. Yeah, because of your abundance of guinea pigs. Have you guys seen a hairless guinea pig? Probably. They're the cutest little things ever. No, you would need a sweater for a hairless guinea pig.

Well, I mean, no. I guess I have seen hairless ones that have been cooked. Oh, yeah. Stop it. You have not. Well, I mean, I've seen cooked ones. Really? You've seen cooked guinea pig. Well, I mean, no. I guess I have seen hairless ones that have been cooked. Oh, yeah. Stop it. You have not. Well, I mean, I've seen cooked ones. Really? You've seen cooked guinea pigs?

Yeah. Where? Internet. Why are you Googling cooked guinea pigs? I'm not Googling them. It just... Why? Was it like an advertisement that just popped up?

No. Yeah. Like, what sites are you on? Yeah. Well, you know how Facebook will have... I was Googling cooked perils, and then I heard they get a big... Well, I'm not technically Googling them if I have a Google alert for them. But, yeah, I've seen cooked ones on a stick.

Oh, really? Well, everything's kind of cool on a stick. Yeah, no, that's true. So, gross. Yeah, okay, so that's an animal. I haven't really been interacting much with it. Except to try different sauces on it to see what goes best. Do you like this?

I feel like I'm forgiven for my TV show idea now. All right. You feel that way? I think people are going to be more – I think you're going to get some mail about eating guinea pigs. Sure. Yeah, sure. But maybe somebody – what if somebody sends you guys guinea pigs, like dehydrated guinea pigs to eat? Would you try it?

Like me, like in a Pringles tube or something? Yes. Would we try it? It's got to exist. No. I wouldn't try it. I wouldn't try it. But I'm a vegetarian.

Yeah. I don't think you're a vegetarian. That's right. I don't like mailed meat. Well, but what if you were part of a Jerky of the Month Club? Oh, man. You would love that. What if it was Guinea Jerky?

Okay. Okay. Now you're talking my language. if you were part of a jerky of the month club oh man you what if it was guinea jerky okay okay you're now you're talking my language uh and the other animal that i i've been dealing with is uh the other day i was uh my wife abby and i were uh we went over to my sister's house to babysit her kids and they have not a useless how dare you uh and they have goldfish. And one of them, the goldfish, like my sister said to me, oh, yeah, and if that goldfish is lying there, it's not D-E-A-D. Because apparently it will lie on this leaf at the top of its fishbowl. Oh, right.

Okay. So if it's lying on the leaf, it's not D-E-A-D. It's just resting. Okay. And then I thought she was, I thought the fish was dead. And like, she was like, she was just trying to get me to lie to the kid. But no, apparently the goldfish, when they bought it, they were like, oh yeah, you should get a plant for it. Because the fish store person was like, get a plant for it.

They really like plants. They like to rub up against them and rest against them and stuff. And so there's a- I didn't know that about goldfish. Me neither. And I feel bad that all the goldfish have had. Without a plant? They didn't have plants. What did they have?

Castles. Oh, yeah. That's fun. Well, yeah. They feel like kings. They like to feel like a king. But the- So this fish was resting on a leaf. And, you know, my niece hated that.

My niece was like, oh, just swim around, do something. So she would tap the glass. And I'm like, yeah, just, I don't. Maybe just let the fish sleep till your mom and dad get home. But then they fed it and it was swimming around and eating it and stuff.

And then, so that was all fine. And then my... That was all fine and dandy. And my sister texted me this morning. And... Guess who's D-E-A-D? Not only that.

Oh, gosh. This is going to be the best story I've ever heard. She texted me and said, the fish committed suicide last night. Did he jump out of the pool? We literally found her on the floor. She must have thrown herself out of the tank. Herself, by the way. Yeah, yeah.

That's very. That's so sad. That is sad. That's sad. I get it, fish. We all get sad. We all have sad days. That's so sad. That is sad. That's sad. I get it, fish. We all get sad. We all have sad days. Yeah, everybody hurts.

And I asked if my niece was devastated and she said, no, she was pretty upset, but has already forgotten about it. Yeah, that's kids really bounce back from this type of thing. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. They're resilient. But that's like godfather stuff, like to a kid, like waking up and having your fish on the floor. Yeah, that's true.

Oh, wait. Your sister doesn't have any debts, does she? She does. She does a lot to... Oh, my God. Sounds like the work of the codfather. We did it. That's how you got this executive meeting in the first place.

That was really funny. Yeah. I love puns. I get so excited about them. Yeah. I'm, like, tingly now. Did you ever have fish? I hated them, but...

No, I didn't. My brother had... What is the type of fish? I want to say it's called the samurai fighting fish. From Naked Gun. Yeah. It's a real, like, you can't have it in the same tank as anything else, especially another fighting fish. Right.

Because they will just immediately start. They'll eat each other, right? Yeah, they start tearing each other's fins off. They can't even be in the same ocean. So are you allergic to cats, too? Yeah. So you're allergic to cats, dogs, guinea pigs, hamsters, anything.

Dandruff. Yeah, dandruff. Okay. I could probably be around a lizard, but then, I mean, am I going to be that guy? Dude, you can't have a lizard with your beard. You would just be that guy.

Oh, what if I had a bearded dragon? One of those things. What, a bearded dragon? Yeah. Like Gandalf? No way. What about one of those? That's a wizard, sorry.

Sometimes they got wizards and dragons was he a wizard yeah he was a wizard you guys excited for this new oz movie um well it's a fine excitement um are you aware of it yeah i'm aware of it ditto i i i'm aware of it and i saw uh you know there's like the televisions that are like the higher frame rate and they make everything look like a soap opera. Yeah. A movie like Oz on one of those things. It looks so fucking crazy, like crazy bad. Wait, have you seen it? No, I saw a preview on one of those at this restaurant.

And it just looks like everybody's acting in front of a green screen. Which is not... It's what they are doing. I'm probably not going to see it. Why not? I don't know. What would it take for me to change your mind? A free ticket. It takes a... Fair enough.

I just don't watch a lot of movies and I should. What was the last movie you saw? Flight, and it was amazing. Amazing. How much of the movie is the plane upside down? Because that seems to be the big selling point. It's only the first 15 minutes. Well, but I thought it was most of the movie.

No, not at all, and it's amazing. Honestly, I didn't want to see it, and I've seen it four times now. What? It blew my mind, you guys. So you don't see movies, but you saw Flight? Here's what happens. Wait, how many times in the theater? I've also, I didn't.

Okay. I. You borrowed it. You borrowed it. You got a screener. You're in the pilot movie guild. Exactly. So I did.

They sent it to me for Oscar consideration. That's what it said at the bottom of the screen on the computer. So I, okay, I find movies that I like and I just watch them over and over again. Like I've seen all the Rockies like about 30, 30 to 40 times. Have you seen Rocky and Bullwinkle starring Robert De Niro? Um, no,

I haven't. Okay. Well, you haven't seen all the Rockies. Have you seen a mask? I did. I have seen mask. I saw that when I was a kid and like the drive in.

How many times have you seen it? Once. Oh, so that's like a thumbs down for me. Yeah. You can't download it. I was a kid in like the drive-in how many times have you seen it? once that was a long time oh so that's like a thumbs down for me yeah you can't download I was a child you can't watch that like

but in your world we're talking about Mask not the Mask right? like it's a guy but the guy with like the elephant Titus guy Rocky Dennis

oh right okay now I get the reference I was like why are you bringing this out that's weird and the Mighty Ducks 2 was my favorite movie when I was a kid and I watched it a hundred times how many times did you see it? a hundred bringing this out that's weird um and i the mighty ducks 2 was my favorite movie when i was a kid and i watched it a hundred times okay so that's the high end of the

scale mighty ducks 2 100 views so by that scale flight is quite bad because you only see but i just saw it okay so you're gonna see it more times obviously have you seen it uh no have you seen it no it's amazing i loved it. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. But see, if you don't watch more movies, how will you, you might be missing out on a new thing. I know. So I'm going to try.

That's one of my goals is to try to watch more, like make an effort. It's because I have ADD. Like I find it really hard to like sit there. Like a movie has to like get me right in the beginning or it'll be halfway through and I'll be like, I don't know what's going on. I'm just thinking about my looks in my head. So you're just looking at your reflection on the screen of the computer? Dude, I do that all the time.

As soon as I got here, I was like, I need to use your mirror. It's been like 20 minutes. Like, I'm crazy, Graham. You know that. You know I'm crazy. But yeah, I know you're loco. I'm insane. I'm insane.

And remember? No, I'm thinking. I figured it out. I think sex makes me pretty. So I should just stick more to that. Isn't that true? Hi. Dave just held up an iPhone thing so Michelle could see. Yeah, you really are.

Like, almost instantly. I'm not taking pictures or anything. You don't have to. I'm posing for you guys. You're welcome. We could. Anyway. Sorry, sex makes you prettier?

That's what I heard. Well, it hasn't made me uglier. Is that why blondes are so good looking? Hey-o. No, I'm just joking. That was a shameless plug on my comedy. Oh, wait, that sounded dirty. You're disgusting.

No, no, but what do you mean that's a plug on your comedy? Because that's like, I thought it was a funny thing to say. Yeah. Oh, but I thought you were shamelessly plugging like have sex with Michelle. No. Do you guys want to? I'm good. We're just, we're glad that you're here in the capacity of a podcast guest.

Yeah. Oh, oh, I get it. Yeah. So this wasn't a guise to. We'll see. Yeah, no. So there's no take your top off portion of this podcast. We'll see how it goes.

No, we did away with that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So there's no take your top off portion of this podcast. We'll see how it goes. No, we did away with that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Let's just play it by ear. I wouldn't mind a boyfriend if anybody's out there looking for love.

Okay. Okay. What likes and dislikes in the boyfriend column? You know what? Likes? I really, likes, you must have a bank account. That's my new, that's my new bare minimum. Not a big bank account? No, have a bank account. That's my new bare minimum. Not a big bank account?

No, just a bank account. That's my new bare minimum. So you could have dated 15-year-old me? Okay, must have a bank account. That's my new bare minimum. Must have a bank account. Wow, that's a really... I mean, you know, as bare minimums go, it's like, it says a lot.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Like that's, I'm not cashing checks for nobody. Was that a problem in past relationships? You were cashing checks? It's a problem in one past relationship. All right.

A long relationship. So must have bank account. Did you meet someone at a payday loan place? Must have bank account. Must have bank account. Must have bank account. Not live with their parents. Okay. Up 15-year-old you.

You're done. You're done. But 18-year-old me. I don't need somebody that can support me, but I need somebody who is supporting themselves at bare minimum.

Okay. Because I don't want to be a sugar mama. So far, you're just looking for what we would call just an adult man. Yeah.

You're looking for a single guy. Yeah. Now that these are coming out of my mouth, I'm like, these probably should have been like normal life standards that I had looked for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, but it's never too late to figure these things out.

I'm looking for an adult man. An adult man. An adult man. Yeah. Who likes comedy but doesn't want to do comedy ever. Okay. See, that comedy ever. Okay. See, that's good. Yeah, you could be a writer.

No, it's not competition. It's just so much like I just don't – I need to keep my life separate. Right. You know me. Like all my serious boyfriends have been comics. And it's just always – What if it was comedy adjacent? Like what if –

Comedy adjacent is fine. Would you date a weatherman? I would date a weatherman I would do I would not even a jay no I would I think a lot of weathermen are kind of funny oh yeah

I would date a weatherman I totally would I mean you would if there's any weathermen out there let's say in okay all right

listen get in touch with these guys I bet you we have at least one listener that's a weatherman if you're a weatherman can you please let us know if you're listening

to this yeah yeah let's see let's see how many weathermen we can get yeah weatherman weatherman okay so must have bank account Can you please let us know if you're listening to this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see how many weathermen we can get. Yeah. Weathermen. Weathermen.

Okay. So must have bank account. Must live alone. Must be a weatherman. Must be a weatherman. Must be an adult man. Adult man. Yeah. That's, yeah.

You know, he doesn't have to. Do you have anything, like, these are like bare minimums. What are your actual, these are basically dislikes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What are your dislikes? Those are, no no those are the likes I know but those are like

likes bank account yeah exactly exactly no I like someone who thinks I'm really funny yeah yeah yeah

if you laugh a lot like you're golden okay yep um somebody I can't say that what

I know it was about the penis oh yeah somebody with a world record breaking penis. No, it doesn't even need to be that big. Like, that's not that important. It has to be super tiny. A world record breaking.

I want an innie. I want an innie. Grain of rice. If you can write a long sentence on it. I prefer older men. Okay. I do. Like 40s.

Okay. All right. Yeah. So like an established weatherman. Yeah. Well, no, that's still pretty young. I mean, Al Roker's. Like 40s. Okay. Okay. All right. Yeah. So like an established weatherman. Yeah. Well, no, that's still pretty young. I mean, Al Roker's in his 50s. Oh, yeah.

What about Al Roker? Willard Scott is in his 150s. Yeah, I would totally date Al Roker. Okay. You're not worried about the incident? What incident? Never mind. Yeah.

What happened? It's not important. Tell me. Graham, what's going on with you? No, tell me. What did Al Roker do? You know, you're not the right person to know about this right's going on with you? No, tell me. What did Al Roker do? You're not the right person to know about this right now.

I'm going to Google this. Yeah, that's fine. But is there any other deal breakers in the search? Super religious is a deal breaker. Okay, yeah. I don't mind if you have faith and you have religion, but I'm not going to go to church with you or synagogue or whatever. So it can't be a weatherman who's like, and God's making it rain or God's crying again. No, but I was like, I can go to Judaism if I had to.

Oh, sure. It just seems like something like celebrities would do. It's a fun thing to do at a wedding, like for a wedding. For a wedding. Exactly. And then you can like stomp on plates and stuff, I think. No, you stomp on a glass. Or is that Greek?

Stomp on plates. There's no religion where you stomp on plates. No, Greek people, oh, they throw plates. They smash plates. They say, opah. It'd be very hard to break a plate if you stomped on it. You gotta get it. The edges.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. Anyways, any gentlemen out there, you know where to find us. I'm crazy. You need to be able to deal with this. You need to be able to deal with that. That's a normal thing. I will be insane always. That's just who I am, and I'm never going to change.

There you go. All right. Yeah. I have the mentality of like a 20 year old girl I think sure yeah

okay yeah see now you could just you know you're letting it all out there yeah I'm a former smoker

I'm an open book you know that I always do things I'm like nobody can know and then I'm like everybody guess what like I why are you afraid

of hypnotists taking your secrets I don't want I know I know no hypnotists there's still Why are you afraid of hypnotists taking your secrets? Yeah. I don't want... I know. I... No. No hypnotists. There's still stuff up here.

Yeah. No hypnotists. Uh, Graham. Yes. Let's get to know you. What's going on with you this week? What are you looking for? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's true. I, uh... What did I... Um... Here's a thing that happened. Not last week, but the week before. Uh... Really weird

Because Everybody who listens to the podcast knows That I'm a regular bus rider I ride the bus all the time And you'll run into people of varying Eccentricities On the bus So you're used to that

I'm not as used to Encountering that when I take a cab Which so you're used to that I'm not as used to encountering that when I take a cab which happened a couple weeks ago myself and past guests Alicia Tobin

and who else there was another person in the cab that I can't know I want to say it was past guests

Katie Ellen Humphries but can't remember who the other person was. But we got in the cab and we were having a conversation about whatever, garbage stuff, just chatting. And then the cab driver interrupts and starts talking about like the great flood that's gonna happen oh yeah yeah it starts just and uh you know in very broken english and so at first i was like oh he's just uh trying to contribute to the conversation yeah yeah yeah were you guys talking about the plagues we were talking about something locusts yeah we were i think we were talking plague adjacent um weathermen see yeah so we were just talking about whatever you know some comedy gossip i imagine

yeah and then uh do you hear michelle shaughnessy quit smoking yeah yeah i also heard that she's dating a hypnotist can't wait to hear all these secrets so we were just talking uh comedy gossip and then this guy yeah you just start well first he starts telling speaking in like an analogy about how a tree is like life and the seed falls from the tree and goes in the ground and creates another tree but only if it's in the sun and and uh and i was in the front seat with him. And so Alicia and the other person just kind of faded into the background and just left me to talk to this guy. And what did you say?

Like, oh yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of that. You're like, wow. Yeah, you bet. True that. You go, girl. Yeah, I said a lot of you go, girl. And then they got out at their uh street and i was still

literally like a bus there were stops yeah and i stayed on for the further and that's when he started saying like and uh everything must die and i was like not until the end of this camera not everything not not you and me, hey, buddy? No, we're in this together. Yeah, like way down the road is what you're talking about. Were you sitting in the front? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no way I was going to get out of the cab and then get in the back.

It was just like, I was like, it's not that far to go. But he was doing some real, and I got out 15 blocks before my husband walked the rest of the way. You're like, oh, I'll just get out here. Yeah, and I realized when I said I'll get out here, it was at the corner that it was only a graveyard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I'll get out here.

Now he thinks you're the weirdo. Yeah, he's like, so I was telling this guy this great story that I read. I was just trying to tell him about this awesome story about a flood. Maybe he just saw a tree of life and he was just describing the flood to me. Oh, yeah. Maybe it was broken English because he couldn't quite. She's checking herself on her phone.

I felt like I had sun in my teeth, okay? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, that's crazy. Yeah. Anyways, it was crazy. Yeah, anyways, it was crazy. And also your cab ride was crazy. Yeah, so that's what happened to me.

It was really spooky. Did you stick around in the graveyard? Yeah, well. Do some incantations? Yeah, I felt like I should have just walked into the graveyard and just pretended like, okay, I'm in, you can go now. You should do that thing where you mime walking down some stairs or take the elevator down into a grave. Okay, I'm in my house now. You can go.

Yeah. Do you ever, have you ever hung out in a graveyard? Oh, yeah. Like as a goth teen? As a goth teen, I hung out in many graveyards. Just the other day, a friend of the show, Jeanette, Jeanetto, is in town and I took her on a tour of the graveyard. Is there anyone famous buried there?

No. Jim Morrison. Yeah, Jim there? No. Jim Morrison. Yeah, Jim Morrison. The Vancouver Jim Morrison. Yes. No, there's a cool pile of old headstones that aren't being used anymore. Oh, cool. Yeah.

So if you're like, I need a thing for my garden. I could change my name to that guy's name. Yeah. Before I die. Exactly. Save some money on a headstone would be cheaper oh no or just get your friends to start calling you that as a nickname yeah yeah guys call me ronald from now on um yeah i tried to pick one up really heavy they're all just like you know just really like dense dense rock you guys it's not uh It's really dense rock, you guys.

It's not... So if you've got a group of friends and a Friday or a Saturday off... What are the famous graves in the world? Isn't Kurt Cobain's pretty famous? I don't know where he's buried. Seattle? Maybe. Elvis. Oh yeah, Elvis, absolutely.

In Graceland. The Jim Morrison one in Paris. I think that graveyard also has, like, Oscar Wilde and a few other people. Do you know when the movie Titanic came out, there was, like, girls, like, going to the grave of, like, someone with the same name? Oh. Who was, like, buried around. Captain Jack Sparrow.

Around Halifax no I think you're thinking of the wrong boat yeah yeah but yeah and they put like they made like shrines to like this guy

who was like not really because they thought he was like the real life Leo that guy didn't deserve respect no

he worked they said he was like a cook or something gross a cook what who could love a cook or something Gross A cook Who could love a cook? Wasn't there the guy that You could love a cook, sure

Just not a funny cook Not one that's too close to comedy Yeah, not like a cook that cooks at a comedy club This guy makes the popcorn This guy's a really good cook If you like chicken fingers. They're called chicken strips. Yeah.

Sorry, chicken fingers are the exact same thing that you feed to children. That's right. Yeah, because kids are stupid. They don't know chicken fingers. That's so dumb. Wasn't the guy that was like the British personality that turns out he was like a super... Creep? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He had a really famous gravestone. Who? They like smashed it. Who are you talking about? Jimmy? I don't know his name. Why was he a creep?

Oh, he was in sexual abuse charges and stuff. Oh, God. After he died, yeah. After he died? He was a BBC... Like, looking at pictures of him. You're like, how did nobody? Yeah, this guy was a creep from the get-go.

Yeah, he had like a page boy haircut and smoked cigars. I can't hear anything anymore. Oh, really? Yeah. Well. Oh, well. I don't know what to tell you. That's fine.

Well, we're about to take a break. Yeah. It's all good. You all right? Yeah, I'll be okay. Oh, wait, now I can hear everything. Is that good? Thank you.

Yeah. I'll be okay. Oh, wait. Now I can hear everything. Is that good? Thank you. Anyways, so this guy, when he died, either it was his estate or something, bought this huge, huge gravestone that had his picture on it. This was before the charges. This was before the charges.

And then once the charges were made, they went into the graveyard and smashed it. What was he, though? He was like a TV presenter. Yeah, a TV host. Oh, gosh. Yeah. How did all this stuff come out after he died? it what was he though like he was like an and he was like a tv presenter yeah tv host oh gosh yeah yeah he hosted britain's worst uh child molester yeah yeah but like he he had like a hello oh is this your backup pitch in case we didn't go for your number one idea. Anyways, those are all the famous graves that I know of. Jimmy, whatever.

Jiminy Glick. Elvis Presley. And anyways, if that cab driver is listening, I want to hear the end of that crazy story. Well, what happened after the part where he said everything must die that's where i said uh oh i know but like you say you want to hear the rest oh sure what else can there be but uh don't don't drive over here and tell me send it by uh brain message brain waves or a letter oh yeah absolutely send a letter send it by jerky of the month yeah send it this i would love jerky of the month if they had vegetarian jerky. Ew.

What would be just like a dried avocado? Yeah, that'd be yummy. One of my favorite things to eat is stale licorice. And I feel like that's kind of like. Stale licorice. It's so good. It goes forever. You just chew on it forever.

Stale licorice and stale Fig Newtons are two of my favorite things. You know what? Real easy Valentine's Day gift. Go to the gas station. I got a bank account. It's a junior starter account, but we're going to make this thing work. Oh, man. Oh, well.

So, do you want to move on to overheard please hi i'm homosexual brian soffy and i'm aaron gibson and we host a show on max fun called throwing shade it's about what we do okay it's amazing i wanted to say oh i wanted to say well let me go okay it's about a gay man and And a gay woman. Oh, well, you're not gay. Oh, a straight woman. Yeah. I forget. And we go through women and gay issues and treat them with much less respect than they

deserve. And I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes we drink and we do it. But it's always fun. It's always informative. It's very informal. And you can wear boxers or briefs. Subscribe for free in iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org.

Overheard. Overheards. Things that we walk around. Before we move on to overheards, it's time for my favorite segment on the show. Overheard. Okay. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. That's fine. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

These are things that you hear... Now, Dave, just before you do that... It's time for my favorite segment. Uh-huh. Overheard. Now, Overheard is a segment where you're walking around... No, Graham, shut up before I slap you.

It's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment I call Overhearts. Now, Overhearts is what you do here is you get a bunch of your friends to go. Wait, is it Over the Hurts? Yeah, Over the Hurts.

Over the Hurts? Is that through the woods? Because that's what I wrote about. It's ever my favorite segment. Hulk Hogan news. I was hoping we'd keep that going forever. Do we have a theme song? We do, but it's way too long.

Oh, really? Someone sent in a theme song that was like a minute and a half. Had a solo in the middle. Oh, wow. Really? I want to hear it. I'm going to. I really want to hear it.

I'm going to say. Oh, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Maybe the solo's at the end. Anyway. Okay.

Yay. Every week on the show, we do a segment where we take a time out. What's this way to business? And we recognize celebrities turning one year. Dave, shut up. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news.

It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news. You're taking a treadmill to Quiznos. We still haven't received any feedback on it. Dave, shut up! It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news, it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news

it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news I'm taking to interrupting this segment of the show for my favorite segment which is called Dave shut up! it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news

it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a hulk hulk and news it's a h Hogan dude. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan dude. This is the song? What do you call that song? Are we in a video game right now?

Wow, that was awesome. That was amazing. That made my life better. That was a... Things are going to be okay now. That was a Hulk Hogan news theme song from Kevin Chai. Kevin Chai? From hipstergbphotos.tumblr.com.

All right. If you have a theme song for Hulk Hogan news, please use this sample. It's a Hulk Hogan news. It's a Hulk Hogan news. And we love him so much. And we're taking a quiz nose. And also, please keep it under a hulk ogan news and we love him so much and we're taking a quiz nose um and also please keep it under a minute and uh yeah i guess you can play your website in your yeah why not what do i care yeah uh in hulk ogan news this week yeah uh oh it's a hulk ogan it's a hulk ogan

news now our close and personal friend i feel like we say that like, peace be with you. And also with you. That's right. Our close and personal friend, Brett the Hitman Hart. Who we met at the Canadian Comedy Awards last year. He's great. He's outstanding. He hangs out at the comedy bar all the time.

He's awesome. He's just a regular dude. Yeah. And when a wrestler talks about another wrestler, like kind of bitches about another wrestler, it's called shooting, right? You're shooting on somebody. What? It's not like in porn when you're shooting on somebody. Stop it.

What? Even if it's on camera? Yeah. Like if you're just talking trash. On camera or off camera? Either way? Yeah. Like if you're just, if you're like talking trash. On camera or off camera? Either way. Yeah. But if you're like, if somebody says, Bret Hart shoots about Hulk Hogan, that means

that he's like talking trash. Okay. In Jersey Shore, that show, they call it to put someone on blast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I know exactly what you mean. Exactly.

Cool. So Bret Hart put Hulk Hogan on blast. Okay. Yeah, so I know exactly what you mean. Exactly. Cool. So Bret Hart put Hulk Hogan on blast. Okay.

He was saying – this was – Bret Hart was talking about Hulk Hogan and his current role as an endorser of TNA Wrestling. He said, I've got no faith in either one of them. He was talking about Hulk Hogan and somebody else. I don't know. They're spending a fortune on a guy who's worthless talking about hulk oh my the only thing hulk hogan ever knew was how to make hulk hogan he couldn't tell you how to make aj styles or samoa joe what's hulk hogan going to tell samoa joe he's got nothing to even tell him he's got zero to offer. So there you go. Bret Hart's feelings. Yeah, way to shoot. Yeah.

Pew, pew. Blast, man. Blast. Absolutely. He put him on blast. Yeah, he totally put him on blast. He threw shade. He shot.

He leveled him. He really, what would you say? That's another one. Bad mouth. Yeah, bad mouth. We don't need to still do this segment no well also this week wrestling legend hulk hogan adjacent paul bearer passed away yeah rest in peace yeah legend you guys know about the hulk hogan grill right yeah you know that oh sure

absolutely all right i don't know you're right i'm not dealing with are you getting it confused with the george foreman grill no but you know it was going to be like he had the offer first to be like the Hulk Hogan grill. And he was like, no. Yeah. Originally, this segment was called the Hulk Hogan grill. It's the Hulk Hogan grill. It's the Hulk Hogan grill. So that's Hulk Hogan news.

Okay. Now it's time for my favorite segment. A segment called Overheard. Now what you need here are three friends, two ears, and one magical evening. Yeah. One enchanted evening. We always like to start with the guest when it comes to overheard. Michelle, I feel like you're up to the task.

I actually heard this last night because I was hanging out on Granville Street near the Roxy. And a girl turned to her friend. She's like, whatever. I'm not a hooker. I'm a model. Yeah. I can see how you get hooky. But she was wearing really high heels that were clear.

So I'm going to go that she was a sex model or something. There's no way. You're not going to see those on Cosmo. Well, you know, maybe if there's like a hooker chic, right? Yeah. If that comes back. Okay. She definitely had a good body body but it was definitely not real but i was like i like stock her body wasn't real her like i think it was her holograms her boobie yeah definitely holograms she had boobie holograms

she's boobie holograms three double d yeah wow yeah but i didn't i think i wanted to inquire that's really funny That was really funny. That was really funny. I guess. Took me a second to get it. I just enjoyed, I just enjoyed Dangerous Lots.

Wow. But I wanted to say something to her, but like, what do you, you know? Excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?

Are you a serious catalog model? Yeah. I don't know. Are you from? Like, where are you modeling on people's penises?

Like, this is awkward here. I don't think. All the shoots take place on someone's dick why would you i mean because she said i'm not a hooker i'm a model yeah how do you i'm sorry it's not like those things are really close no well no it depends what kind of i don't know it depends yeah like because what if you're like uh you're like a person who's like i'm off i'm a weird foot model like people pay me to put my foot i'm a vagina model the guys put canvases on their penis and take pictures of the inside of my vagina

sorry i'm really dirty i apologize but but there's got to be somebody who does that for textbooks and stuff and like that's not necessary right? I think they're called doctors No, no, the doctors don't do it on each other for textbooks Yeah, who takes Who are the naked people in like A textbook about skin I think they're drawings No, they're not drawings You've actually seen textbooks with real naked people

I've seen of textbooks Are they cadavers? They're cadavers Yeah, they're underwater corpses Cadavers Are they cadavers? They're cadavers. Oh, cadavers. Yeah, they're underwater corpses. Cadavers. They put a little scuba tank on them, put them underwater, and take naked pictures of them. For science.

For doctors. For doctors. This is the science. This is what a body looks like underwater. Yeah, yeah. Crazy, right? Cry. Totes cray. You'll never have to operate under these conditions.

That's what the caption says. Crazy, right? Cray. This photograph demonstrates how crazy the body looks. Look at this one. This guy's been dead a long time. The tide is high, but I'm closing in. You want to be?

Your number one. There you go. Cadaver. Weird version of that song. Yeah. That was my favorite version. I am going to make that song. Okay.

Yeah. I'll, like, next time you guys have me here, I'll perform it. Sounds dubious. I don't know what that word means, but it did sound promising. I mean, it's got a ton of little dubies in it. Yeah. Dave, do you have an overheard? My overheard is an overseen, and it is a vanity license plate.

Oh, I love it. I love it already. It was just like a plain white van, like a uh the kind a workman would have some kind of tradesman and uh judging by the license plate uh on this van um this guy was a plumber because his license plate said uh let me spell it for you p-l-u-M-B-A. Plumber. That's all. I like it. Or what if he was, yeah, no, I'm trying to think, like, is there, if he, like, made wine out of plums.

Plumber. Sorry, how did you spell it? Plumber. Like P-L-U-M-B-A? Yeah. What if it was plumba? Like Timon and Plumba. Is that a theme?

No. Timon and Plumba. Timon and plumba is that a thing no sorry anyway for the last week i've just been saying that's the kind of thing that um i saw it and i was like this is probably only funny to me nope you're wrong it's great plumb is great you know ramon and plumba from the lion president i'd love to see the lion president oh man When his dad, you know. Gets assassinated. Sure. Yeah. He dresses up. Why is there a book suppository in the jungle? His dad.

Did you say a book suppository? No, I said depository. I didn't say a book suppository. Did I say? Shut up. Did I really say suppository? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant to.

What is wrong with me? I have had like a beer and a half, you guys. This is what I told you. It should be vodka soda. Yeah. Like two beers beers I'm tipsy already although I've been there when like you have a book report due the next morning and you have to read the book really

fast it would be a lot easier yeah exactly now Graham get right up into the microphone what's your overheard son? mine is overseen. And it was great because alone was nothing that great. But the fact that I saw it on three separate occasions was what made it fantastic.

This is an overseen. You're aware of the band The Sheepdogs? Yes. Yes. Canadian band, Saskatchewanese. Yeah. They won the Beyond the Cover of Rolling Stone competition. Yeah.

And so they've got a new album out, I guess. And I saw on three separate bus stops, somebody had scratched out sheep and changed the band to the Wiener Dogs. That's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty awesome. Which for all intents and purposes like that's a better name of a band it works yeah it's i would listen to wiener dogs yeah one of the best types of dogs yeah and i think like uh to me the wiener dogs sounds like the type of band that would do

like they might be giants type of songs yeah wacky but still like musically decent and easy to listen to yeah yeah complex heady stuff yeah yeah math rock right although the sheepdogs music does sound like something sheepdogs would make it does it does yeah that's true they're the most southern rock of the dogs darwin d's no okay because i think his name should be wiener dog okay i'm gonna send you guys a song to listen to maybe you'll play it one day he has a song called radar detector I gotta go see you later

when this is over can we all sign off to the graduation song yeah I look forward to it now we also have overhears that have been sent in by listeners side off to the graduation song. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I look forward to it. Full circle. Now, we also have overhears that have been sent in by listeners. And if you would like to write us, our phone number is an email address. Yeah. It is spy at maximumfun.org.

That's right. New year. New you. Yeah. New email address. New Chinese New Year. Geng Hei Fat Choy. Geng Hei Fat year, new you. New email address. New Chinese New Year. Gung Hei Fat Choy. Gung Hei Fat Choy to you.

Now, this first one comes from Travis. He sent along a picture to accompany it. I saw this sign hanging in the school where I work. It seems kind of odd to me. Like they didn't think this all the way through. And it is the typical setup of the keep calm and carry on motif that said, keep calm, it's Black History Month. That's really funny. Yeah. That's really funny.

Like, it doesn't stand up to scrutiny. That's the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's an implied, like, you might freak out. Yeah, like, there may be panic in the air. Say what? So that's... so that's great it's great and you know it's crazy it's not black history month anymore though no uh but you know comes but once a year i know it's it's fleeting yeah and you know what you get caught up in it it used to be it's now it's more commercial than it used to be it

is more commercial yeah they start playing the music in january yeah i know starbucks has that drink yeah just black coffee not bad yeah i mean it's as inoffensive as you can get. This next one comes from Stacy W. By the way, those are the only Christmas things we could come up with. The music comes early and Starbucks has a drink. What about the decorations?

Yeah, sure, decorations. Black History Month decorations. Yeah, sure, absolutely. I think we're fine moving on. Yeah. Black History Month decorations. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. I think we're fine moving on.

Yeah. So this is from Stacy W. A few years ago at Christmas, my sister, who lives in Edmonton, had a baby, so we were all visiting her from out of town. She was telling us all about her visit to the hospital and the new maternity ward. She happened to mention the ward name, which is named after a famous Alberta politician and businesswoman. We all laughed at the ridiculous name, but carried on. Everyone except my mother, who laughed uncontrollably for several minutes.

It got to the point where we all had to ask her what was wrong with her, because it was funny, but not that funny. When my mom regained her composure enough to say, she said, I don't know why they would ever give it such a descriptive name. It's unbelievable i mean calling a maternity ward the lowest hole ward and the actual name of the ward is the lowest

hole ward not the lowest hole wow yeah right yeah pretty great yeah that's really funny especially that that's really it was the kid talking to the mother yeah that's really funny i love that a lot actually yeah like mom stop stop thinking this crazy thought. Yeah, get your head out of the gutter, mother. Yeah. Mother. Lowest hole award. Pretty great.

Yeah. It's one of them. Yeah, well, I mean, unless you got a hole in your foot. Mm-hmm. From that time you stepped on a rusty nail. Yeah. I thought it was a hole in my bucket. Oh, sure.

Dear Liza. Dear Liza's a hole in my bucket oh sure dear dear liza a hole i like to sing yeah yeah it's fun and why not you got a beautiful voice no i don't but thank you thanks um this uh comes from zach w in sacramento california hello dave gra, an amazingly gorgeous guest. According to the email. I was driving a bus full of kids to a field trip. And on the way to the destination, we passed a Taco Bell. Boy one, wow, it's a Taco Bell. Boy two, they make the best tacos in the world. These poor children.

But remember getting excited about things? Oh, man. So excited. Yes. Well, Canada just got a Target. We did? Not even here. But there's three in Ontario now.

You're from Ontario? Is there one in Toronto? I don't know. Well, Toronto adjacent. Well, look how excited you're getting about it. Okay, they were supposed to have one in Peterborough, Ontario, where I'm from. So they were going to build one. They had the site all picked.

And then Walmart freaked out because it was supposed to be right down the street from Walmart and bought it out. And now there's just two Walmarts on the same street. I'm not even joking. What a world. I'm not even joking. Isn't that ridiculous? They make the best tacos in the world. So now there's two Walmarts because they didn't want Target.

Wow. So now there's two Walmarts because they didn't want Target. Wow. Like, we, yeah, like, there's going to be a Nordstrom here in two years, and people are freaking out about how great. What is that? It's like a department store. Yeah, it's like a kind of higher end, but not. Yeah. It's not Walmart, but it's not like Henry Rosen or anything like that.

Like JCPenney? Like the Bay, kind of. It's a bit, yeah, I guess a bit higher scale than those. But wasn't there supposed to be a Walmart in Vancouver? People freaked out and like protested or something? Yeah. I don't know that it ever. And there's a Chipotle now in Vancouver.

What is that? People go nuts for it. Is that like a family restaurant? No, it's just a burrito place. Okay. Okay. And is it good? It's all right.

Yeah. It's just like, it's like the same. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And is it good? It's all right. Yeah. It's just like, it's like the same. Yeah. Yeah. It used to be owned by McDonald's. Oh. What was the other one that opened up? I remember there was a lot of Fufaro when it first opened up.

Taco Del Mar? Oh, Chronic Tacos. Yeah. Are you talking about Chronic Tacos? No, no. I know Chronic Tacos. Chronic Tacos is the worst. So is Taco Del Mar.

They're all the worst. My problem with Chronic Tacos is that they put an advertisement for a waitress and I applied and it was really just cashier taco maker. Not cool. Not cool Chronic Tacos. Now I want to eat at Chronic Tacos. You used to be the pinnacle of cool. Yeah.

I'm not a hooker. I'm a model. I'm not a cashier. I'm a taco maker. I'm not a waitress. I'm a taco fool. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, do so at your own peril.

Our phone number is 206-339-8328. Like these people here. Like these people here. This first one is kind of along the lines of your Taco Bell one. Nice. How about kids getting excited about terrible food. Hey, guys. It's Becca in Houston calling in with an overheard.

I was at an airport very early one morning. It was really quiet and there was no one around. And as I walked past a Burger King restaurant, they called out an order number. restaurant, they called out an order number, and a little boy, maybe five or six years old, jumped up out of his chair and yelled, yes, before grabbing his food. My Taco Bell's ready. Yeah. Yes. Not only excited about Taco Bell, but excited in an airport.

Oh, yeah. Because that's something grownups can't do. No, but kids... Didn't she say Burger King? Yeah, Burger King. Burger King. king yeah a burger king in an airport yeah you said taco bomb well i said taco but you know combination burger king taco it's fine probably it probably was uh yeah i think when i was a kid i remember anything where you went and then there was suddenly fast food was really, like, just so exciting.

Do you remember, like, did you ever get, like, Happy Meals when you were a kid and stuff? It wasn't, like, the most, because I only got them a few times. Like, it wasn't, we never. I don't think I ever did. I think I would just get a hamburger. Okay. Because my mom, like, used to show up. That was the best at lunch when you're about to eat your lunch in school and then your parents show up with, like, a Happy Meal and you're like.

What? Yeah. Your parents did that? Yeah, one time my dad bought Happy Meals for like everybody in my class.

What? Wow. Wow. But you couldn't do that now. Was your dad the president? No, he was a plumber. I'm not even joking.

Oh, really? But you couldn't, but people would get mad at you if you did that now. They'd be like, why are you giving my kids junk?

Whereas back then they'd be like, yay, it's the 80s. I mean, 90s. Shits, shits.'s the 80s. I mean, 90s. Shits. Shits.

The jig's up. I had cousins. I had cousins who, like, they were really good students. And I wasn't a good student. But if they, only if they got straight A's, like, which happens, you could, at maximum, three times a year. Yeah year on your three report cards. If they got straight A's, they got a Blizzard. Wow. I'd get a Blizzard after every softball game.

Yeah, I'd get a Blizzard just if I wanted a Blizzard. Oh, you're so spoiled. Yeah, that was too many Blizzards. Yeah, well. You couldn't make them special. There was no treat. What about a Treats of Pizza? Oh, my God. I love Treats of Pizzas. Yeah, well. You couldn't make them special. There was nothing. What about a Treats of Pizza? Oh my god, I love Treats of Pizzas.

Sorry. Nobody's ever loved Treats of Pizzas. I love Treats of Pizzas. They don't even have them anymore. You're like that kid that was excited about the Pizzas. They still have them. They absolutely still have them. What if you showed up? What if you got back

to Toronto and a weatherman with a Treat to pizza showed up on your doorstep, but he doesn't have a bank account? Oh, deal off. He's got a treat to pizza. No, no. And you can have all of it. No. And he's got $100 million in bonds.

Yeah. He doesn't have a bank account. But he has money. He has money, right? He's got no liquid assets. It's all in bonds. What does that mean? That means that I don't have to pay for everything. he has money. He has money, right? He's got no liquid assets. It's all in bonds. What does that mean? That means that I don't have to pay for everything.

I don't really know a lot about... I don't know anything about bonds. He's got no cash. Everything's tied up. No. He's all equities. No commodities. I'm not falling for the tied up thing ever again.

He's got pig iron. Last time I fell for that, I was... That sounds funny. I'm not falling for the tied up thing ever again. No, last time I fell for that, it was like four years of hell, okay? Yeah, I fell for it too. I'm not falling for that? That sounds funny. I'm not falling for the tied up thing ever again. No, last time I fell for that, it was like four years of hell, okay? Yeah, I fall for it too. I'm not falling for that. Everything's just tied up right now.

No. No, it's not. You have no money. Shut up. All right. So that's deal breaker. Yeah. Here is your next phone call.

Hello, Dave, Graham, and probably pretty cool guest. My name is Ryan from Edmonton, and I have an overheard for you. I was at a Five Guys Burgers and Fries, enjoying a burger and fries. I guess there are free peanuts there. That's a thing that they do. Anyway, there's a woman behind me, and she says,

oh, man, I just love salty nuts. And then there was a pause for a few seconds, and then she says, oh, man, I just love salty nuts. And then there was a pause for a few seconds. And then she says, oh, don't take it that way, Grandma. Yes, get your mind out of the gutter, Grandma. Yeah. This is a lot of similar phone calls. Are they all about food today? Yeah.

Yeah. Because that one was like the lowest toll maternity ward. Yeah. Yeah. Because that one was like the lowest toll. Lowest toll maternity award. I thought that he said they had three Peanuts. Three Nuts?

No, I thought like, you know, like they only had the rights to three of the Peanuts characters. But like three of the less popular. Yeah. Dirtbag. Linus. It's Pigpen. It's not Dirtbag. We established this earlier. Yeah.

I thought it was Linus. Stinky Linus. Yeah. Stink thought it was Linus Stinky Linus Yeah Stink Linus He had Stink Linus Come in the song Yeah Have you been to

A Five Guys Burgers? No I don't even know What that is Do we have those here? We don't have those here I don't think we have them In Ontario either What is a Five Guys

Look I said that like They're the greatest They're okay So there's Five Guys Burgers And then is there Three Guys Tires Or something like that? Yeah there's Three Guys Tires, and then is there Three Guys Tires or something like that? Yeah, there's Three Guys Tires.

There's Three Wise Men Tires. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh tires. Yeah, I don't know what Five Guys... They serve a burger in a peanut shell. You've got to crack it open and throw the shell on the floor. I love salty shells. They serve them just in tinfoil. That's their deal.

So what, are you just waiting in line to get your burger, and they're like, here's your pre-nuts, here's your pre-nuts? Oh, they're just in stacks all around the place. Oh, it's like one of those places where the floor is just covered in shells. I don't really remember. I love those places. They have one between here and Seattle, and I remember I went in, and I remember thinking,

oh, Graham could never go here. Yeah, that's true. Graham couldn't even be around. Are you allergic to peanuts? Very much so. Yeah, peanuts and cats. Oh, no. We can't make out now because I ate peanuts before I came here.

Oh, darn it. Well, also, you know, I'm... Be nice. What? I was going to say... Also, I don't want to make out with you. I was going to say another nut I was allergic to but then you misdetermined it

I get Botox that's not what you said before you said it was Juvederm I'm getting it all you guys have no idea I have like $3,000 of face work coming up what? don't do that

Dr. Oz said that you should start in your 20s. Dr. Oz is an idiot. You should start in your 20s because it's called preventative Botox. And you'll need, by the time you're 45 or 50, you'll need half as much as people who start when they're 45 or 50. But you don't need any. Yeah. Yeah. You don't need any.

And Dr. Oz looks like a World of Warcraft character. Oh, my God. I love him. He's so sexy. What part of him? The doctor part. Yeah. Well, yeah.

No, don't do anything to your face. Yeah, yeah. Leave it alone. Stop it. Yeah. Well, if Oz the Great and Powerful tells you to do something. I know it's none of our business, but stop it. Yeah, stop it. You're pretty. You don't need to do... Oh, thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. Yeah. Took the whole episode. Preventative...

Preventative Botox. Yeah. That's crazy he shouldn't have he should have his fucking doctor's license yeah or at least his TV host license no

I think that's part of the requirement of being on TV is to talk about Botox I honestly I don't think there's anything wrong with it like I think there's wrong when people go overboard

or they're spending money they can't afford on it or they're like literally like having surgeries and stuff like I would never have a facelift like I'm not gonna let anybody cut me open

but it's botulism you're putting botulism in your face yeah but it's good point good point good point counterpoint yeah this has been point counterpoint put it in my face um it makes you sweat less too well I'm fine with that some people who have you're not sweating they put it in their armpits

yeah that's fine yeah if it was like a medical thing where it's like doctor I gotta change my shirt five times a day but you don't have that no I don't wear shirts

on my face though oh well does your face sweat? sure that's not why you're doing it no I'm not but I'm pro it like I think if that's gonna make someone feel better about themselves do it. That's not why you're doing it. No, but I'm pro it. Like, I think

if that's going to make someone feel better about themselves, do it. Like, it's not expensive. I'm conning it. Are you? How expensive is it? Okay, Botox is about three to four hundred bucks, but it only lasts about four months. How many squishes in your face? For me, I'd probably only need a few, like, not a lot. Like, some of them

we get a ton, but... But, like, what is a few and what is a ton? I'm not sure. I sure last time i did it i got six injections whoa and then how long does it take to because it doesn't at first like blow your face like mine didn't like i don't have sensitive skin or anything like that so mine like the results were instant and i didn't have swelling or anything like that huh yeah yeah but i ended up getting it for free the first time that's how I got hooked yeah like me in the juice class

because I was in a doctor's office I was getting vein work done like I had veins that could have posed a health problem too many veins

oh like you had deep vein thrombosis yeah they could have so I just had vein work done and the doctor was supposed to teach all these new doctors

how to do Botox or Juvederm sorry and the girl that was supposed to come in and get it done on her was sick. And he was like, oh, my God, can you stay and get all this work done? I was like, obviously.

And then that. So that's how they get you. Yeah. That's how they get you. They use you as a test model. Better? No, I can't hear you. It's fine.

Oh, really? Yeah. Want to switch? No, it's not a big deal. I'm okay. If you guys are okay. Yeah, it's fine oh really yeah want to switch no it's not a big deal i'm okay if you guys are okay yeah it's fine okay oh a good name for a show just about like uh medical uh procedures like that would be called like botox would be good but it's spelled t-a-l-k-s oh oh yeah oh nailed it perfect Nailed it. Perfect. Thank you. I could be the host.

Okay, good. Oh, wait, what if it's like Bo Jackson? Oh, what if? Bo knows. Like, what if Bo... It's Bo's did my Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson. Bo Bridges. Oh, it's like the talk, but it's all Bo's.

Yeah, it's all Bo talk. What's the female Bo? What's her name? Bo... Bo Derek. Bo Derek. And then Belle Biv DeVoe. No. No, that's her name? Bo Derek. And then Belle Biv DeVoe. No, that's not right.

Bo Diddley. Yeah, that's right. Bo Brummel. Was he the original Dandy? Oh, right. Hey, Bo Dandy. No, that's not how it goes. I don't know what I'm doing right now. Oh, the Bo Deans.

Let's kind of roll that Bo text tech stuff I want people to know that I want people to be like that girl is so naturally young and beautiful so let's just take out all that we'll not do that here's your final phone call hi this is Chris from Utah calling in with an overheard

I was just at the grocery store, and my friend was trying to buy some string cheese from the self-checkout machine, and I kept telling him to put it in the bagging area, even though he already had. And as we were kind of trying to get that working, the cash guy turned to us and said,

she's such a bitch. About the computer? Yeah, the lady voice telling you. That was awesome. I assume it's a lady voice. It's a lady voice at my local. I like that the guy was so easily outsmarted by this thing. You just pick it up and put it back down again,

and then I'm like, thanks. Or you put a shoe on it. Yeah, but then it charges you for a shoe a shoe's worth of string cheese i don't know i i'm not smart about it every time i use it really yeah because it's very finicky yeah that's probably uh that's probably like somebody who designed it has like uh cashier sympathies and oh man so you would so they wouldn't all lose their jobs immediately, which should happen. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to put actual bugs in it

and all sorts of things. Like actual bugs in it. Yeah. I'm going to put some fleas in it. Anyways, next time just take it out of the bag area and put it back in the bag. Or maybe you're buying string cheese. Maybe buy something else.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Just buy some cheese. Yeah. Just some straight up. Or just some string. Oh, yeah. I had cheese for the first time in four years the other day. Oh, right.

You loved veganism. I had brie. Yeah. I had brie and cranberry and it was amazing. Yeah. And was it like just like waking up from a deep sleep? It was. I feel really guilty though, but I loved it.

Well, that's what you feel after you wake up from a deep sleep. You're like, oh shit, I wasted the whole day. Oh crap. Well, welcome. Are you going to be, are you going to go back to being a vegan? I've been a vegan for four days. I might. I might actually. I might. I might. I might actually.

I might. Right now I'm not just because I'm, yeah, I got to keep eggs in my diet because there's already so much stuff I don't eat. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm off all refined carbs and sugars, so I need something else. You got to, yes, you do have to eat something. I will not touch milk.

That grosses me out. But the cheese thing. Would you touch milk? You know what? What if somebody said that if you put milk on your face? I would put it on my face. Yeah, would you have it injected into your face?

I wouldn't care what the animals have had to do with my looks. I wouldn't. Wait, can you get Botox and still be considered a vegan? Why? It's not from animals, is it? Botulism is a type of bacteria. It's like pig bacteria, isn't it? Yeah, but it's just like yogurt.

Yogurt's bacteria and you eat that and you're a vegetarian. Yeah, but I also eat eggs and stuff. Yeah, you're not a vegan. Yeah, I'm not a vegan. I'm not accusing you of anything. Someone told me when I had a weave, a human hair weave, that I wasn't a vegan because it was a product from a living creature. Oh, what?

So you can't even eat a human when you're a vegan? That's outrageous. Ridiculous. Well, I think we're done here. I'm the lady who fell in that wine thing just can we can we just I just want everyone to know that I am 29

like I am crazy about no I really am I'll show you my birth certificate I am crazy about getting older but the stuff that I talked about makes it seem like I'm fucking 40 you guys and I'm not

I'm 29 years old I'll be 30 in January happy birthday thank you happy birthday yeah we wish you yeah Jesus guys and I'm not I'm 29 years old yeah I'll be 30 in January we never mentioned your age this whole episode no because it sounds like I'm talking about like my rocks on the staff they're gonna be like she's like 40 yeah I'm not I've smoked for 26 years guys um, guys. So, Michelle. Graham. You've been a wonderful guest.

Thank you. You're on tour right now. You're traveling around Canada. Where can people find out where you're going to play and where can they see you? Okay, my Twitter is at Michelle's Funny. Is that Michelle is funny or Michelle's? Michelle's Funny. Okay.

Is there an apostrophe in there no there's no apostrophes in Twitter get with it my website is michelleispretty.com

or michelleshauncey.com it is not michelleispretty is it it is oh my god who's rubbing that I thought it was fun

it was fun it's great or michelleshauncey.com but a lot of people can't find my last name so I had always people telling me they couldn't find my website and they were always telling you that you were pretty obviously

and by that I mean the voice in my head so it goes to the same website but you can check that out follow me on twitter or in real life and maybe we'll chat I think we definitely will chat Dave any plugs? yeah my website is...

Dave is handsome. Yeah, Dave is handsome. Dave is all-knowing. .co.uk Yeah, no big plugs this week. I just want to give mad love to guinea pigs. Yeah. I want to give them just a ton of broccoli.

Yeah, all the broccoli they can handle. I love fresh veg and meat. Not meat, fruit. Oh, I said meat too late. And that's it. Best wishes to you. Best wishes to everyone in this season of giving. Absolutely.

And jobless. March 18th is the Laugh Gallery. We'll be at the Havana. Oh, fun. I'm excited we'll be here. That's your monthly comedy show. Monthly comedy show, March 18th. And you're not going to be here for it, so I'll send you photos.

Okay, please, Daryl. And go check out StopPodcastingYourself.com. No, that'll take you to MaximumFun.org. Yeah, either or. It'll take you to MichelleIsSelfConfident.com. Michelle's pretty. Oh, wait. Check out the blog recap of this here episode.

Pictures and videos relating to the content of this show. Probably a link to Dr. Oz, maybe? A picture of his trollish face that apparently has been well Botoxed over the years. Yeah, what else did we talk about today? Maybe a picture of an ugly blonde. Tori Spelling.

She's not... Okay, my roommate Casey Corbin, very funny comic, he's obsessed with Tori Spelling. He's going to be so upset when he hears this. He's definitely going to write you guys. It's fine to be obsessed with, you know, like I used to be. She's his celebrity crush. Yeah, I used to be obsessed with the Boogeyman when I was a kid. But you didn't have a crush on him.

Well, yeah. You're right. I don't know you. Yeah, that's true. No kids really had crushes on the Boogeyman. Why do you think he was such a mean dude? I honestly don't know what he would look like. He'd look like modern day Dr. Oz.

Shut up. I want him so bad. If you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328. And come back next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.