Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 262 - Kevin Banner

Episode Date: March 26, 2013

Comedian Kevin Banner joins us to talk attempted murder, talking to strangers, and seaplanes.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 262 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man who lives by the credo, women be shopping, Mr. Dave Shumka. I absolutely be not be living by that credo.

That be misogynist. That be offensive in this day and age. Absolutely. What do women be doing? Women be giving life, taking life. Oh, sure. Yeah, women be murdering. Women be whatever women want to be.

Yeah, women be whatever want to be. Is it Women's History Month right now? I didn't know that that was a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think March, it's still March by the time you hear this. Send a card. Yeah. Yeah, women be celebrating.

Oh, absolutely. And we be celebrating women. Well, come on. One of us be. Our guest this week, first time here on the podcast, very funny gentleman, does comedy here in Vancouver. Mr. Kevin B banner is our guest k bands hello that's not how he bands does anyone call you k bands yes like the sunglasses wait wait more like uh it was like a like a oh i see why you got confused uh my ex-girlfriend's sister

called me that because that was when britney spe was all the rage. Oh, Kay Fed. And she was with Kay Fed. Yeah. And I was Kay Van. That was really, really great. He's great. He's great. Did he release an album? Popo Zao. What was that? That was... What happened there?

Dave, are you having a stroke? Okay. Britney Spears was dating this guy named Kevin Federline. They got married. He released an album. He did release an album. Yeah. They were...

At one point, there's a... This is a great story. album. Yeah, they were at one point. This is a great story. Yeah, well, I'm not the man to tell it, but if only, you know, Billy Bush were here. He gave like a preview of it, of him in studio with this song called Popo Zao. Po, po, po, po, popo's Owl, Popo's Owl. I want to see your titty and a little bit of kitty. Want to know where to go when I'm in your city? Oh, check out our many Walmarts.

Which is weird that a guy purporting to be a ladies' man is only famous because he's married to someone. Yeah. Like, you're unavailable, sir. But he... Oh, yeah. Was he married at the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugh, gross.

And it was the worst song, and it was him, like, in the studio, like, totally grooving to the track. And everyone made fun of it. And later he was like, no, I'm in on the joke. And then he performed, I think, at the Video Music Awards. Yes, and it was the worst. Closet full of kicks, garage full of whips. What? Like whips?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a sex garage. Why does he keep them in the garage? Oh, yeah. He does this Indiana Jones style thing. I think probably when you buy a whip it would say keep it in a like a warm not a cold place because oh yeah right kevin when does your album come out and how often do you have to polish your whip um you you have to condition that

leather don't you yeah you got to use whip polish but you just whip it he's cool whip yeah straight arrow mane and tail actually oh right yeah it's the uh it's the horse hair shampoo yeah we mentioned it on the last time it's by horses for never mind all right uh let's get to know us get to know us now kevin banner you're a stand-up comedian of a couple of years, right? More than a couple, yeah. Yeah.

Let's go with a couple, though. Very funny stand-up comedian. Well, thank you. And before that, you wanted to be something that was very near and dear to my heart. You wanted to be a pro wrestler. I did, and that was a dumb idea. That's what I wanted to do when I graduated high school. I wanted to be a pro wrestler.

But you need that diploma. Yeah, definitely. You don't want to be going into the uncertain world of pro wrestling without at least a high school diploma. Because when you're addicted to Oxycontin in your mid-30s. When they're looking at your resume. Yeah. Say, hey, I see. When they're looking at your resume. Yeah. Say, hey, I see you haven't done anything since your life. What exactly have you been up to?

How do you feel about the top rope? Yeah. What about a turnbuckle pad? A turnbuckle pad. We here at the wrestling corporation. At the wrestling. That's what they call it. We here at the wrestling want you to climb to the top rope.

We don't want you to see a glass ceiling at the end. So how – how? How? Yeah, yeah. What steps did you take? What – how – tell us your journey. It was about six weeks before I gave up completely. No, I went down. I had a friend who was a pro wrestler and I went down to California

and stayed with a friend of his. Now, when you say he was a pro wrestler, what do you mean like he wasn't Yokozuna? No, no, no, no, no. The greatest wrestler of all time. Yoko. May he rest in peace. He broke up wrestling.

He broke up the heart foundation. Yeah, and the Bushwhackers. Oh, God. That's better. You can't break up the Bushwhackers. Those guys are still going strong. Are they really? In theory.

Sure. They were when I went to see them 14 years ago. I don't think anything has changed since 14 years ago. But... Well, their age. I'll get back to you. Let me see what Wikipedia says. Yeah, I went down to California

and went to do this. I just went to this guy who had a ring and that's kind of how it goes. But no, it was this guy, Bulldog Brian Raymond. BBR. Yeah, you've heard of him. Now, wait a second.

With this guy, is this a nickname that he would have come up with for himself? Or is that like something he earned because he was like so tenacious? Or pudgy? No, he had breathing problems. He had sex with a bulldog. So he was very much like a bulldog in that he had breathing problems. He had sex with a bulldog. Very much like a bulldog in that he had respiratory issues. No, he was

a compact kind of guy, so I don't know that he gave it to himself. He's also from the Fresno area, and I believe those are the Fresno State Bulldogs. That could have something to do with it. I think we're overthinking this part of the story. But anyway, I went down there for 10 days, and i got in the

ring a bit and uh i didn't uh like it as much as i had thought i would um this was your first time going in like do you think do they make you do a bunch of stuff first like medicine ball stuff or is it like immediately no it was just a couple of oxycontin and right into the ring. No, I just, he just, he was a friend of a friend. And so I got in the ring with him and he showed me some stuff. And I came back up to Canada and I got to be in a battle royal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which is more, but it was at like. Do you know what they call that in France?

In France? Quarter pounder. They call it a quarter pounder. And no, I got to be in a battle royal, but it was the wrestling equivalent of an open mic battle royal. Yeah, that's a thing. That's pretty awesome. It was in like the training school. So they had like, they do, I think, two shows a month where like the students would get to be on the show.

Like a recital? Mixed with pros. Yes. Came down and we played the piano. And then we got in the ring and took some bumps. But I got to be in a battle royal. And because my friend was the champion of the territory at the time, the guy's like, okay, well, Kev will win.

And the guy didn't know what my name was because I'd also managed my buddy on a show before. Oh, wow. Which was the greatest because i got when you say the show how big of a like what is this in a rec hall the show that the show that i did was in uh it was in the esquimalt high school gymnasium in the summer of 2001 i think it was and uh my buddy, Dr. Luther, who – Wait a minute. Real doctor? Or honorary doctorate? He was actually a bulldog.

Honorary doctorate from the School of Hard Knocks. And he got his name. He was wrestling for this company in Japan that would make a lot of the characters were based on horror movie characters. So Dr. Luther was just a knockoff of Dr. Lecter. Dr. Luther. So he – Oh, so he was like Hannibal. Yeah, like Hannibal Lecter.

So he'd come out in like the overalls. I almost said an overcoat. He came out in an elegant overcoat. He'd come out in overalls with like the half mask thing to like stop him from biting people or he'd be wheeled out on a cart oh that's fun um so i got to manage why would they why would they then let him wrestle like they took all the stuff off i assume when he wrestled he's gonna kill the guy yeah but they don't want him hurting any of the fans oh okay it's an insurance thing yeah yeah yeah yeah um it's fine if he eats a wrestler.

Does that ever happen? I'll check Wikipedia. I'm not sure. So your friend, the doctor, you were managing him. Yes. What was your name? I was known as Bukon, which, yeah, we'll get into that. Yes, please.

He had a character that his character after the dr luther in japan thing he came back and he was more of like a uh a cult leader kind of character in in north america okay and so he did this thing where like he would take people under his wing he would strip them of their christian name and he would give them this so i no longer was was Hot Pants Banner. I was Bukon, which is, as I'm sure you guys know, this is for the fans, is the demon of hatred from the Satanic Bible. So I walk out to the ring with Dr. Luther and Juggernaut, a very large fellow, like 6'5", 400 and something. Wow. And so we walk out to the ring. And I finally, I got this ons the because this show was being recorded and he says uh dr luther not only accompanied to the ring by the voices in his head he's accompanied to the ring by the near 400 pound juggernaut and the

near 400 pound i don't know who that is and so the other commentator goes oh because the the one guy who said that his name was Lady's Choice. He goes, oh, good job, LC. Really good research on that. And I'm thinking, oh, finally, he's going to say, that's, of course, Bucon, the demon of hatred from the Satanic Bible. And he goes, so anyway, and he just put it on. So there's no proof of me being Bucon other than the sign that my friend painted for me. And it's in a –

Go, Bucon. My parents. My brother had a sign. Bucon's number one. My brother had a sign in the crowd. It said, Bucon is a joke. And... This was your brother?

My little brother, yeah. And so I grabbed the sign from him and I ripped it in half and I went to throw it in his face. And I hit this Asian pharmacist right between the eyes. How could you tell he or she was a pharmacist? Well, he went to him to get the Oxycontin the next day. Yeah.

He was a guy, he's from Souk. Oh, right. We only have so many pharmacists out there. Wow. And then what do you do as a manager? Like, because, you know, I imagine during the day, there's all sorts of papers that need to be filed. Yeah, what is expected of a professional wrestling manager? Like, because, you know, I imagine during the day, there's all sorts of papers that need to be filed.

Yeah, what is expected of a professional wrestling manager? It's a lot of time on Travelocity. But I managed him and he was wrestling Sabu, who wrestling fans know who Sabu is. He was in all the big companies in the business. And I was really... Sabu? You would see him anyway he uh so i uh we're in the locker room going over what's going to happen in the match and then doc says okay so at this point uh big kev he'll jump in sabu will hit you and he said to me i was 18 at the time and he goes all right kid I'll come across, I'll hit you, if I break your teeth don't worry, I'll pay for them

and I was just like okay, what do you say to that so I said okay, and he laughed I love this kid, and he took me around to all the other wrestlers, he's like, I said I was gonna break his fucking teeth, and he said okay and everybody's like, boo come on, boo

I assure you nobody was chanting Boo Con so my two things in the match I handed the brass knuckles to the good doctor

oh okay as a manager yes that's part of my managerial duties I advise you to use these as your manager

as a manager and as a friend by the way we have manager-wrestler confidentiality. So you only did the one match as a manager? Yes. One in the ring and one out of the ring. And I won that battle royal. So I did retire undefeated.

I'm like the non-Jewish Goldberg. Oh, wow. Yeah. It was Goldberg, an undefeated wrestler? Yeah. He went on this like 170-something match streak. But it was like every week the number of wins that he had would have gone up by like eight. And it's like, well, they didn't have eight shows since last Monday.

He did. You just weren't there for him. And did he play up the Judaism? No, which you would think would be dynamite for a wrestling company based in the south. But WCW. So and then like after that run, that was it. You were like, I'm getting out of. There was nothing for me to really get out of.

Stop calling me wrestling. It's like just when I thought I was out. They suplexed me back in. But I know because when I really wanted to do it, like when I was 16, 17, there was a company in BC that ran 20-something shows a month. So guys were making a living doing wrestling. They weren't making money, but they were getting by. Is that the ECCW? ECCW.

Yeah. Is that no longer a thing? It is, but it's like I think every two months they do a show maybe. Oh, you can't get by on that. You can't get by on that. Well, so what do – because there are guys that – like that guy that you said, Ladies' Choice. Right, Elsie. He still is a guy that wrestles, right?

I don't know. He is in that commercial for like Mr. Lube. He's the guy singing Turn Me Loose. Have you seen that commercial? No. I won't shoot. You guys know the song. But he was singing that song.

For non-Canadian listeners, Mr mr lube is a company that makes sex lubricants uh we're a very for men yeah a very open culture that we allow that kind of stuff on primetime tv actually they do have like ky jelly commercials on tv yeah and also there's an ad there's so many of them now There's an ad that uses that premise. It's an ad for gum, but it intimates that the old lady is talking about a lube to the young guy. Or a condom. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, jeez, I read way too much into it.

Yeah, because at the beginning of that commercial, the girl's like, hey, you need to go get some. Hey, I'm super dry, she says. Exactly! It's quite the bro-fest. Yeah, that's true. We've really been bro-ing down. Apologies to the ladies. And in your history month

of all months. When's dude's history month? When does AMC get to celebrate Dude's History Month? When does Spike TV get to show Goodfellas? Yeah, nothing but Clint Eastwood movies all day long. Or Clint Howard.

What if they did do a Clint Eastwood thing on Spike, but it was all his more sentimental pictures? Oh yeah, sure, the bridges of sentimental pictures. Oh, yeah. Sure. The Bridges of Madison County. Yeah. Clintfest. And then it's that dumb movie about baseball.

Yeah. Problem with the curve. Trouble with the curve. Trouble with the curve. Yeah. Mind the curve. Yeah. So anyways, that whole thing that fascinates me that there's – so there are still pro

wrestlers? Yeah. No. Every Monday on the television. But how does – like how do you make a living as a pro? Not in this country. You don't. No, you can't do that. As far as I know now, if there are any – maybe out east but definitely not in the west.

I know that there's nobody currently just making a full-time living on wrestling. Hmm. What do these guys do? I spend all of my money on wrestling. Do you get paid by the Oxycontin people every time you say it? Actually, yes. Today's Stop Podcasting Yourself is brought to you by... Which?

What? The good people at Oxycontin. There you go. And so now you're not in. You've disavowed wrestling and all of its affiliates. You were banned. Lifetime ban. Ban, ban Bigelow.

No, the only thing that remains is I have a small collection of Mexican wrestling masks that have been given to me by friends over the years. And I get to try those on every week on Skype when I talk to my three-year-old niece because that's the only interest she has in me is where are your masks? I want to talk to Uncle Luchador. Uncle Libre. So now what's going on? Tell us a tale. What's happening with you lately? Oh, I just came back from a wonderful weekend on the road with Graham Clark.

Oh, I know him. In Kamloops. He's all right. He's no ladies' choice, I can tell you that. That guy had the greatest theme song in wrestling history. It was right up there with Shawn Michaels' Sexy Boy. What was the ladies' choice theme song? It was Turn Me Loose from the Mr. Lube commercial. It was him singing, and it was –

Well, like a guy who records his own theme song. Oh, yeah. He put money in. It was like, I'm the man with a master plan, and I got a million-dollar California tan. Which I checked into it. It does not cost that much to get a tan in the state of California. I don't know. If you're really pale, it might take you a while.

Yeah, yeah. If you want it to really, really glow, if you want to like the glamorous ladies of wrestling. Yeah. Oh, I just watched a week ago. I just watched like a whole series of glow glow videos on youtube because somebody uh mentioned that at the last at the wrestling show that i did somebody yelled out glow and i was like oh yeah i should have put on oh yeah that guy that was the worst that guy that just kept yelling out stuff that didn't help the show oh he was the best i hope he's listening i'm his manager all right um but yeah glow was uh it was crazier than

i remember as a uh as a kid sneaking a watch of it like it's uh and then off to bed five minutes of glow and then bedtime the the ropes were different they were made of uh i think kind of like inner tube material as opposed to the... This is female wrestlers. Yes. An all-female wrestling manifestation. Yeah, but also they were all female, but all of them, they all had super crazy characters. Like even crazier than the male equivalent.

Like their characters had way more elaborate costumes and would stay in costume during the match my question is this were you worried that we don't talk enough about wrestling that's why i invented give it up i was listening to the the the recent kevin lee episode today and i was like damn it they're talking about wrestling There's no way we can just bounce back with a wrestling episode. Oh, you're right. But look what we did. So we went to Kamloops together. We had a cab driver who was an attempted murderer.

Really? Oh, yeah. You forgot to tell the story. This is a great, yeah. We're getting a ride back from the gig and the cab driver asked us where we live and Graham actually lives like two blocks from the guy's house that he has in Vancouver. And we asked him like why do you have – Wait, wait.

I'm confused. Yeah. The cab driver in Kamloops owns a house in Vancouver. And he said, where do you live? Owns? Yeah, yeah. I was like – that's where the story started weird. It was like what?

Yeah. Like it's hard for a rich person to own a home in Vancouver. Yeah. And also a rich person. But it's hard for a cab driver certainly to own a home. Yeah. And he that's how he started out. He said, where do you live?

And I told him the general area. And he said, oh, yeah, I own a house a couple blocks away from there. So we were curious, like, why would you move out of – well, it turns out when you try to kill a police officer, they get a little upset. So he was driving his cab one night and I guess the cop gave him a speeding ticket and – He's also a cab driver here. He was. OK. Yeah.

He got run out of town on a rail. And he was standing – he said the cop was standing in front of him kind of being obnoxious. And the cop said to him, what are you going to do, run me over? Which is not something you should say when you're standing in front of a car. Because this guy, he's like, I think he said he drove like a block with the cop on his hood. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. But he appealed to us as if well the guy said what am i gonna do

and i told him i'm gonna run you over and the cop was like don't do it but i already told him i was gonna and he was he wanted us to agree with him as though like yeah no you were totally well within your rights yeah and then he wanted it like and then they gave you grief for that afterwards like yeah yeah so i you know i had to leave town i'm like well yeah yeah and he did he said uh it was really weird he was like he's like do you remember this no that's how he said it he goes do you remember this story about a guy who drove around with a cop on the car hood? Like a hood ornament? Yeah.

And I was like, I said, yeah, that sounds familiar, even though it didn't. And he goes, that was me. You may know me from my previous work. Now, I don't think it's cool to hit someone with a car, but I do think it's cool if they are on the hood for a while. Yeah. Yeah. And especially if you're communicating still with them, like, you stop now. No way.

Yeah, because you're really screwed if they're on the hood of your car. You can't, like. Yeah. Unless you can hold on until they go home and then you just get off in their driveway and i mean as the driver oh sure yeah you're supposed to hit them and they get knocked down or out of the way but but then they're you know you could try the windshield wipers all you want and it may work yeah well there are advancements being made in swerving so that is one way to get them off the... I like the...

That was the second cab we took. The first cab that we took, we got in, we asked the guy, we were like, Ah, so how's it going? And he just went, Not good. Busy night so far? No.

And then we sat in silence for the rest of the trip listen to where the streets have no name oh yeah yeah it was a fun little trip uh back to the first guy um can you get in trouble for just saying to a cop i'm gonna run you over like uh like what's the consequence of that i think you better not i think at there's probably the reason that he's not in prison is probably because his the police officer superior was probably like stop stop taunting vehicles yeah you gotta stop doing that yeah what how did he describe that the guy was asking for it like he said the guy was you know taught like I imagine shaking his hips a lot. He gave him the ticket and then he said like, okay, just give me the ticket.

I'm in a hurry. Oh, yeah, that's right. Then the guy was like, well, what are you going to do? Run me over? Oh, yeah. And then he kind of did. He ran him forward. He didn't really run him over.

Yeah, he ran him up on top and then just drove him around for a block and then yeah so then he was like ah so then i couldn't live there anymore so now he drives a cab in kamloops i hadn't considered the consequences of just like the cops hating you oh in your city yeah apparently uh it's weird too because i feel like he probably like so much police horse manure on your lawn every morning. They're just. They can't do anything violent to you. They're using your backyard as a drunk tank. Drop off all the drunks.

All right, guys, you're all sleeping here for the night. Just like drive by with the sirens on at all hours. Yeah. Yeah. Like he said he was, that he was, he was harassed or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. As you should be. Yes, that's true.

Of any group. The system works. If you run over a player for the Canucks, I would assume that Sergio Mamesa would give you grief next time he saw you. Yeah, yeah. At the very least. Yeah, all of your retired hockey players would. I kind of like – cops are the only –

So I'm pouring some very loud wine. Pardon me. Also probably if you piss somebody off from the post office, that would probably have some real dire repercussions. Just like envelopes full of powder. The DVD. Well, because I think a mail carrier has a certain degree of autonomy when it comes to junk mail. So I think they could just really junk up your mail slot.

This is true. I was a mailman for a while. What? Kevin? Oh, yeah. I hated a mailman for a while. What? Kevin! Oh, yeah. I hated it. But yeah, absolutely. What did you hate the most about it?

Sorting. Because the first two hours of your day is you're sorting all the letters on your route. And then once you've sorted all the letters, you sort all the junk mail. Then you sort all the, sorry, ad mail. Then you sort all the magazines and stuff. And then the parcels.

And it's just like the first two, three hours of your day is just sorting. And I would have like dreams of just making stacks of envelopes. And so then you never really – But then you got to live that dream. That's pretty good. People are always saying to live your dreams. Yeah. No, you're right.

Follow your dreams. My friend or your friend as well, Paz Gasparas, talked about being a postman and had that very same complaint. Yeah. And also there is a real like a real life opposition between postmen and dogs. Oh, yeah. Like that actually exists. Yeah. There was a dog. My one mailman dog story is there was a large Rottweiler jumped up on the edge of a fence.

Like I started to walk into the yard and then this dog came around the house and I backed up and closed the fence in front of me and the dog jumped up and was gnashing its teeth at me and growling. And the owner comes out and he goes, hey, he's okay. He's gnashing his teeth at me. I was not. So I made the guy come down to the, because I'm a bit of a badass. I said, no, you come here.

You come here and get this Victoria's Secret catalog. And he was like, with pleasure. That was a big thing in the 90s before the internet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? Also, Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Oh, yeah. That was a really big.

I subscribed to Sports Illustrated. I did not, as a teenager, have any reason to receive the Victoria's Secret catalog. Yeah, I don't think. I really, like, in all truth, I don't think we ever had one in our house. We definitely had like the Eaton's catalog. And that was mostly I think there was like a couple ladies in pajamas maybe. Yeah, there was a lot of ordering. Beige bras.

Ordering the wrong hockey sweater. Do you remember or is this like way too obscure of a thing? There used to be a thing called consumers distributing. Consumers? Consumers. Do you remember, or is this like way too obscure of a thing? There used to be a thing called consumers distributing. Consumers? Consumers. Do you remember this? The name rings a bell. It was like, this was like, this will make me sound like the oldest old man when I'm an old man.

In my day. Yeah. That this used to exist even seems crazy to me. That you would get a catalog and there would be stuff in it like appliances or toys. That was the big thing is toys. They had awesome toys in there. Awesome. They were awesome.

Okay. Yeah. And then you would pick out what you wanted. And then there were offices that you went to like the consumer's distributing office. And you would be like, number 49, please. And then they would go in the back and just bring it out. But there was no storefront or whatever. It was just an office that you would go to.

And there was a desk. And you just talked to the person and be like, I would like this, please. And they would just go in the back and get it. Yeah. And now it's Amazon. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

You don't have to go. But you don't have to get the thing and then go down there and talk to somebody. You don't ever have to talk to anybody. Did you ever have, I mean, probably, a publisher's clearinghouse? They gave away money, right? Yeah, they gave away money, but they were also, their deal was that they were a clearinghouse for publishers. So they sold magazine subscriptions. Oh, that's what that was.

And I think... I never knew that until now. Same here. We're learning. Yeah, you weren't supposed to... Like, you could enter the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstake without getting a magazine subscription, but there was, like, an implied,

you have better chances if you get the Muppet magazine. I remember that. What was the one that you could get, like, the 12 CDs for four pennies or something? Columbia House. Columbia House, yeah. And then later, BMG. Now you can get 12 CDs for free. That's right.

That sounded like something. That was a really funny thing because it was like, you were like, holy shit, 12 CDs for a penny. And then they would send you the catalog. You're like, I don't like any of these. No, the only time I ordered it was I ordered them out of a magazine. Yeah. And it was just whatever, the ones they had. Yeah.

And then they get you. They send you one every month and you have to pay for it. Yeah. Yeah. And I did not read that fine print. I do not want 29 Palms by Robert Plant. But then if you don't pay for it, they stop sending you CDs. And all you get is bad credit for life.

Here's your Right Said Fred CD. No, I don't want. I don't know what to do with this. Oh, man. That is some good. Reminiscent. Consumers distributing. It seems like that would still work.

I mean, it is. It's Amazon. But I bet you as a kid, whoever owns Amazon probably went to consumers distributing. Well, on the drive home, too, we had an awesome shopping experience. They had that Husky station we went to. They had a – I got 19 lighters for $5 because it was as many as you could grab in your hand. Wow. Which is how they should sell everything.

Just a quick handful of SpaghettiOs at the grocery store or whatever. But no, 19 lighters. And I grabbed a bunch the first time and I felt bad. And the guy's like, come on, put those back. You can do better than that. Yeah, yeah. I thought he was going to chastise him for like, don't be greedy with the lighters. Yeah, yeah.

But no, I had 19 and he said that. For how much? Five bucks. Five bucks. I've been making it the lighters. Yeah, yeah. I had 19 and he said that... For how much? Five bucks. Five bucks. I've been making it rain lighters all over this town. Do you need any lighters? I need one, you know, to smoke my things. But no, it's definitely to smoke my Oxycontin.

My friend Drew, legendary, I don't want to say dumb guy because that's not what I want to get out of this. But he's known in my small circle of friends for fucking up every saying and every expression. And he called OxyContin icy cotton for the longest time. Oh, I want to eat that. Yeah, that's delicious. It's like a frozen cotton candy. Yeah, or a frozen shirt. Drew also once used the term, sometimes you just got to read between the fine print, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. He was a master of combining those things. Drew, we salute you. Yeah. Do you remember, speaking of stores with crazy wacky deals, a handful of lighters is worth two in the bush. Do you remember when we were in the Yukon and the store had unbreakable combs? I still have mine. Still unbroken.

And we all bought one. And we all immediately tried to smash them. Yeah, but it was like the greatest gimmick because none of us were going to buy a comb. No. But it said it like had, and then it was in quotes too, unbreakable comb. And then you look and it's got Bruce Willis from the movie Unbreakable. Yeah, and then it just snaps in half. Ah, shit.

I got the Mr. Glass one. Oh, man. Yeah, that was a great marketing play. And that's all we bought. We bought three combs and then we headed on our way brushing. Well, not brushing, combing. My apologies to the Comb Corporation. I still have mine.

Do you still have yours? Probably somewhere. It's a bond that can never be broken. We're like Stand By Me, you, me, and Charlie, because we all bought those combs. Then we barfed after that comb-eating contest. And then we found that dead body and barfed on it. Oh, man. What's going on with you, Dave?

I have been, the last couple of days i've had um just the the worst guys i don't want to get into it but i feel like i'm compelled no uh the just the worst like interactions with strangers um and it's happened at like identical situations. One, I was standing at a corner. I was on my way to work waiting for the light to change. And a guy 20 feet away from me said, like in my general direction, I can hear you, but I can't understand you. I'm not talking at all. And he says, I can hear you, but i can't understand you and i look around and i look panicked yeah and he walks up to me and he's not like outwardly uh uh you know

crazy or homeless or anything yeah uh he's just a guy he does have a big booger sticking out of his nose. Okay. And he says to me, do you know where a guy can get an honest job in this city? And I said, nope. And he said, that's okay. I'm a druggie. Well, he was very honest. So he does qualify for an honest job. Yeah. And then. I can't job. Yeah. And then...

I can't tell a lie. And I was waiting at the light, and then I just started walking into traffic away from this guy. I've seen that Dave Schunke maneuver before. Yeah. He'll walk into traffic. And then today, I was on my lunch break, and I was walking back to to work and I noticed there was a guy crossing the street, going in my direction but on the other side of the road. And he started crossing before the light changed. And so he was like – he was in the middle of the road and a car was about to hit him.

So he went back but he tried to turn it into a move. He was a younger guy. I'd say in his 20s, but he kind of had the look of a performer. And then he started doing a goofy walk through the middle of the crosswalk. For who? I don't know. And then so I walk a block and forget about him,

and then I turn around and he's right beside me. Are you still doing the goofy walk? Hey, buddy. And he says to me, you look very nice today. And I said, what do you say in that situation? Thank you. Well, no, what you say is, thank you. Thanks.

And I'm waiting at a light at this point again and uh he's he has a camera with him and he's got this little notebook full of just like paper and he starts pulling out a piece of paper and he says to me uh do you mind if i take a portrait of your beard? And I said, I gotta go. And I walked into traffic. Oh, man. And then you were like, come on, don't hit me, cars. I dare you. I dare you.

So you just funky walked right across that street and got out of there. Oh, wow. Yeah, you did the electric slide across the intersection. I did the thing where you're miming that you're pulling a rope. Well, I'm at the end of this rope. I'm walking against the wind. Well, my kite's really taking off. But this is why people don't make eye contact in this city.

This is why people don't talk to strangers ever because it's always something like that can i draw a portrait of your beard can i take a portrait of your beard he had a camera oh right yeah but i think that he had something written on the card and he was going to give it to me and i don't know i didn't want no part was it something like he was going to write something like smile at one person today or something like that. Probably, yeah. That's not even good advice. I was walking down 11th Avenue and I walked by a lady

and I said, just hello. Why? I know, I'm an idiot! And she responded the same way because I said hello and she goes, okay. I said hello, thanks. The only people i will say hello to are the elderly yeah the agent or dogs yeah i will talk to dogs yeah i do i say i say hello to a lot of dogs

i say yeah i guess i don't say hello to a lot of people uh she was pretty she was a pretty lady i'd say but not pretty enough that i didn't think i could say hello she wasn't so pretty that i couldn't say right yeah i couldn't greet her as a human right like but she was treating it like okay like this is weird but it is it is okay what's your what are you selling me? What do you need from me? So whenever you say, because I've been in this circumstance of having, you know, if like you just ask like for directions, that really is, that really puts you in that. And I love giving directions. Oh, me too. It's the greatest.

I get to feel useful. Yeah, even if I don't know where they're going. Yeah. I guess. Yeah, usually I feel like there's a deadline, and so I have to have an answer. Yeah, they're like, where's 2689? And I'm like, left. It's right that way.

You can't miss it. My answer is usually, get an iPhone. Yeah, I've definitely had people not reciprocate my nice hellos. Old people love it, though. I go to this one bakery. All the old ladies in line want to talk about what cake are you going to buy, what cookie are you going to buy. What cake are you going to buy?

Yeah, it's great. I love it because they're from a time when, like, yes, that was a thing that people did. Oh, boy, was it. Yeah. And I'm from a time when consumers distributing was a thing. Yeah. We're two different times.

Consumers distributed? Consumers distributing. Are you sure? Yep. So you just go down and give them catalog number 468-B, and they bring out a Bundt cake. Well, you know, yeah. This is the bakery consumer. You're mixing together two of my great anecdotes.

I'm not, actually. Yeah, you need to read between the fine print. Yeah. I'm looking it up. Consumers distributing. Yeah, that's right. Which is, I think, what one of us said. So, yeah, that's it.

Don't talk to me. Look, I don't mean, if you're listening, absolutely come talk to me. But if you're just a guy who's trying to kill me, don't talk to me. Knock it off. Trying to steal my beard essence yeah he was trying to do that yeah yeah uh graham what's up with you um i also feel like if some guy's taking pictures of you yeah it seems like a thing that would be like the big reveal in seven that you go over to his house and he's got portraits of you. Yeah.

And then I'm, yeah, I get this, what's my sin? I guess sloth, because you have a beard, you let your hair grow on your face. Okay, do you think the seven of us, the three of us, pardon me, can name the seven deadly sins? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And can we find the one that's closest to what i do all right sloth sloth wrath wrath pride pride um it's pride uh lust lust gluttony gluttony vanity oh no no maybe vanity is not maybe vanity not pride a pride is definitely well i know this wrath navaris is greed oh greed because shake the snake Because Jake Roberts once used that in a promo and I had to Google it.

Good. I was worried we weren't talking about wrestling enough. We'll get back to it. So OxyContin. Okay. So we're at the big five. Are we at five or six? Was Glamour one of them?

A subscription to Glamour magazine is one of the seven deadly sins are glamour us why people um um uh no no i i i'm really just trying to think of the movie yeah I feel like there's one you know how like in the Ten Commandments there's one that's like respect your parents or something like that there's like one that seems out of line

stop coveting weird stuff one of the seven deadly sins is also like that. One of them is like, if there's time to lean, there's time to cling. It's like it doesn't fit with the rest of them. Yeah. Okay. Okay, what do I do in a day that's gross? Let's see.

We said gluttony. Yeah. Yeah. Sloth. Did we say sloth? Gluttony, sloth, wrath. Gluttony, sloth is my favorite animal. Wrath.

Um, pork after Friday. Yeah. I think we've, I think we've actually lost ones that we had previously. Oh, I'm forgetting ones that we already had. What are... Okay. Envy. Yeah.

Envy's one of them. Here's... Oh, the Wikipedia entry is not so good. It's all Latin. And here's the thing. Superbia. NVIDIA. IRA.

Okay. They're lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. I feel like we got them all. Yeah, we said them all. And did I not say that last week that the guy who created Gilgan's Island, Sherwood Schwartz, said in an interview years after the show was off the air that he modeled the characters after the Seven Deadly Sins. I was not aware of that. Okay, so...

Captain Skipper is Wrath. Oh, not Gluttony. No, one of the Howls was Gluttony. Okay, one was Greed, one was Gluttony? Yeah. And... Ginger's Lust. Ginger's Lust. Ginger's lust.

Marianne was envy. Because she was always envious of the attention that Ginger would get. Gilligan was... Sloth. And the professor was... Pride. Because he was always... What about and the rest?

And the Harlem Globetrotters were... I don't know how they figured it. Meadowlark Lemon. So, yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's good. Good work, team. Yeah.

Now you, Graham. Let's get back to you. You went to Consumers Distributor. Yep. I picked out a Ninja Turtle. Michelangelo. Oh, really? Yeah.

Donatello, but that's okay. Yeah, Raphael, personally. Oh, right. Yeah, he was cool, but rude. He was red.. Oh, right. Yeah, he was cool but rude. He was red. Michelangelo was, yeah, he was the party dude. I always wanted to be Donatello as a kid because it was the easiest to have his weapon. It was just a stick.

Yeah. You needed a stick. Who's opposed to that? Well, it was a stick. They were easily accessible. You could get a stick anywhere. Yeah, that's true. What was the least accessible?

Sides? Sides. Sides. Sides? Sides for a play that you're reading for? Yeah, the Ninja Turtles play? Barefoot in the sewer? Fun. Yeah, in one of my other traveling exploits, I talked about this on Monday. You guys were both at the show about taking one of these float planes that they take off from the water and land on the water.

And they're very tiny, only about like eight people can fit in one. And I took one of those from here to Victoria and back again. And I did one of those from here to Victoria and back again. And I did not enjoy. Yeah, you felt barfy. I felt very sick. And I also felt that the casual nature of the pilot, it was inverse to like how a regular flight would have so many instructions about what safety is. And they have like light up things in the rows. And it just felt like this guy was taking it real easy.

Like he, how many rows were there? So like four, yeah, four. And then, but it was just like, I don't know.

I just felt very like, you know, Hey, and we wish you the best. And away we go. It was very pre 9-11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't even feel I feel like that is the most hijackable of all of the aircraft.

Yeah. But it's the tiniest. Yeah. But if a bunch of guys all got them going. Like Voltron style. But, right? Like, I mean, it wouldn't blow up a whole building, but you could really destroy, like, somebody's greenhouse.

Really take out somebody's shed. But, like, if you crashed one of those into a house, it would really destroy the house. So what if it was, like like a top official's house? That's pretty true. That's pretty true. I think, yeah, there is like, I know that outside the White House, and when I say I know this, I don't know this. But I think they could shoot down a Cessna that is flying too close to the White House.

Really? Yeah. Wow. That'd be a pretty good way to go. Like, I mean, you know, for your family to be able to tell the tale. Yeah. He flew too close to the White House. He was like Icarus.

Yeah. But yeah, like, I don't know. It was so casual and I felt like the pilot, like, I was like, oh, you know, somebody just tried to take the controls. And one of the people sitting next to him is just somebody who's flying. It's not a pilot and a co-pilot. Yeah. It's just another passenger. It's like when you have to sit next to the taxi driver because the taxi is so full.

Yeah. Oh, I was terrified that I was going to be the guy that they put up front because you have to put on a headset and you could only talk to the pilot. But you get to talk through a headset? Yeah, well, yeah. Can you talk to the, do they have like a flight control plan man with a job called? Navigator? No, no, no, the guy on the ground. Oh.

In the tower. Like, yeah, ground control. Ground control at the major town. Billy Bob Thorpe. Yeah. Was that from Pushing Tin? Exactly. No, I believe that was Tin Cup.

Yeah. It was... No, you just get in... We don't know the term yet. I'm not going to let... It's avarice. Flight control agent? Flight control agent flight control agent yeah yeah well there has to be a word traffic controller oh man and the answer is no there's no it's just a guy gets it's like it's too casual all of it just walks in off of the dock and he doesn't have to have like, he's just

wearing whatever garment he was wearing that morning. Kevin and I are from the coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is this old hat to us. You're from the prairies. I mean, I'm all, I'm fine with getting at a crop duster. You're a landlubber. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I understand the protocol. Yeah, what's the getting at a crop duster. You're a landlubber. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I understand the protocol. Yeah, what's the deal with a crop duster? Just one guy gets in there with a bunch of poison and just drops it everywhere. Yeah, what could possibly go wrong? Flies it into the White House. Anyways, I just, yeah, I didn't. And then I was like, where does does the luggage where do they put the luggage where's the lug but like i couldn't figure it because i didn't see them putting the luggage

on and it wasn't in the plane with us because they were super sensitive about the weight they made uh one of us like shift seats i was like like, I don't like that. That could decide if this plane flies or not. This guy's doing math up at the front. Sonny Dollywalt, past guest of the show. He was talking about it. You don't get to do that. And also it sounded like you were eulogizing him. We've come here.

We've gathered here today to remember past guest of the show, Sonny D. But when he was saying he had to move and they were worried. Have any of our guests died? No. Okay, good. Not yet. Someday.

Yeah. Something to shoot for. I'm looking forward to it. Has Kyle Bottom been on the show? Yeah. Okay. He's still alive. Let's hope he's first.

Oh, geez. No, I mean that. No, I only mean like I want him to die first. They're friends. Yeah. Oh, jeez. No, I mean that. No, I only mean like I want him to die first. They're friends. Yeah. They're not enemies. He's not that beloved to our audience. There's Avarice, and then what is the stuff they make perfume out of?

Avarice Levine. No, you know what I'm talking about. It's like whale vomit that's polished by the sea. Pumice? No, not pumice. Well, why is this the episode where we talk about most of it? Abacor? It's something owl...

He's naming a tuna. Why is this the episode where it's on the tip of our tongue episode? Yeah, it is like abalone. Abalone? Abalone. Folks, it's what they use. They use it to make perfumes air traffic controller

did you have another point about abercriss about sunny dolly wall weighing too much no i just didn't like that the pilot was just having a like he was rule of thumb in it. You know, he's like, nah, it's not. And then they put the luggage in the landing pontoons or whatever. Like, that's where your luggage is, is in the thing that lands on the water. Ambergris? Ambergris, yes. Oh, yeah, I've never heard of that. Yeah, me neither. I heard of it once.

Anyway, so, you know, you guys are more used to flying around in uh little tiny planes yeah of course pick land on the water and take off from the water if like if you think flying is unnatural flying and landing on the water is the most unnatural of the why that's what ducks do that's what all but ducks also have those crazy corkscrew penises. That's what us West Coasters have. Oh man, it's a whole new world. Anyway, so that's me. Don't you dare close your eyes. Should we move on to overheards?

Yeah. Hello, I'm Judge John Hodgman. And I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Can you force your girlfriend to listen to heavy metal music? Is a machine gun a robot? Is it okay to take And I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Is a machine gun a robot? What should you do if your parrot attacks your husband? Only one man can decide. Judge John Hodgman.

If you have a case for the judge's court, visit MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho. If you just want to listen in, find us on the web or free in iTunes. Hi, everybody. This is Justin McElroy and in the rich fiction we just created, the hosts of this podcast have gone for a little pee break. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. Quick, while they're not looking, slip our comedy in. I'm Griffin McElroy, the baby brother, and stop, I'm the police. What are we doing?

This is My Brother, My Brother and Me, where we take questions and turn them into wisdom and make fun of you. We make fun with you? We make fun with you because English is our second language. Well, now it's getting racist. We literally had 25 seconds and we did racist with it. So racist. We have, we literally had 25 seconds

and we did racist with it. So wait till you see what we can do with a whole hour on my brother, my brother and me. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry. Overheard. Overheard's a segment on the show. Now, Graham, before we get onto this, it's time for my favorite segment on the show. The segment where we get onto this it's time for my favorite segment

on the show the segment where we talk about the max fun drive that is coming up next week fun uh next week and the following week uh the first two weeks of april if i'm not mistaken those are they yep uh we will be uh uh we're gonna be uh basically asking you for money, listeners. Yeah, and we as if you're regular to the MaxFun universe, you know that every year for two weeks we have a couple episodes that are dedicated to saying like, hey, can't you

kick in some money? This whole enterprise. Shows are listener supported and your donations help us make the show sound good. Let us be generous to our guests. Yeah. Kevin has indulged in many Fabergé eggs since he's been here.

And as per usual, there are gifts that are on board and being lined up for people who donate at different levels. And bonus episodes. We recorded our bonus episode about a week ago. Yeah, it's good stuff. We answer questions that have been sitting in our email for five years. Yeah, we really capped off some mysteries. We also found out who shot JR. Yeah.

And, you know, what happened to Nicolas Cage's American Treasures or whatever that movie was called. Nicolas Cage's

American Treasures. It sounds like a PBS show. So we'll have more of that next week. But now it's time for my favorite segment on the show, a segment called

Overheard. Oh, yeah. Now what these is, is what? I'm only interrupting you to tell you that this week, unlike many weeks, there's no Hulk Hogan news to report. Yes. The well is dry. Oh, thank goodness.

The well's been dry for a few weeks. But as a supplement. Try some ball refill. Yeah. I'm going to bring you this macho man fact okay it's a macho man fact oh yeah um one time uh when macho man was wrestling macho man randy savage for the uninitiated this is another former wrestler. This one's a dead. Yeah, he's passed away. His status is still passed away.

Yeah, his status is snap into a slung. Yeah, one time he got bitten by Jake. Radioactive. Yeah, Jake the Snake's snake, Damien. Some radioactive macho. That's the fact that he got bitten by a snake. Oh, that was it? Oh, I'm sorry I interrupted.

No, that's fine. That was the fact that he got bit by a snake. Oh, that was it? Oh, I'm sorry I interrupted. No, that's fine. That was the fact. Okay. I don't think anybody thought that that snake had fangs. No. He did. Yeah. He bit Macho Man.

Fangs anyway. Now it is time for my favorite segment on the show, Overheards. Now what this is, is every week we get together and the more we get together, the happier we'll be. Fact. Fact. Now, we'd like to start with the guest. And I know for a fact that you have an overheard, because you were going to tell me yours. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. I tried to pitch it, and I got shut down. You betcha. My favorite overheard of all time, if you go back to the Erica Sigurdsson episode, it's in the 80s. I called one in. Check it out, fans. But this one, this is from a few years ago. I was living in the great state of Fort McMurray, Alberta.

And I was there for about eight months. And I was working with my brother. We were working in this company. And the owner of the company, his son was 15 or 16. And we'd always come over when we were working on something. And he would mouth off like he uh the owner of the company his son was 15 or 16 and we'd always come over when we were working on something and he would mouth off like he was the owner's son so he had this shitty attitude love it it's like we're washing the truck and then we're done and he goes oh so you guys just giving like a quick once over today not really going to give it like a real good wash or he was wearing daisy dukes the whole time at our on the glass so i go in the uh i go into this trailer on the job site and i come out

to hear my brother now what my brother said was not the overheard what the kid said was but we'll get to that um so i walk out of the trailer and i guess he had just mouthed off to my brother who's a dick so he goes you know that's pretty tough talk for somebody who doesn't even have pubes. And then the kid goes, I've got more pubes than you, which I don't know if that's a measure of awesomeness. No, I still think it is. The more pubes, the better. At the moment, I've got none. What scenario would you need to prove more pubes?

I know you're considering a lot of people for this job. Yeah. But. Do any of them have this many pubes? Yeah. I'm going to throw a piece of gum at your chest and see what happens. That was very cleaned up. Yeah, yeah.

How are you going to throw gum at his wiener? Is he not wearing any pants? No one considers those pubes. What do they consider them? Chest hair. Well, they're wrong. They're all pubes. I know.

They all come in post-puberty. They're pubic hairs. Thank you. Or public hairs. Where's the pubic bone? By your pubes? I'm not allowed to talk about that. Yeah, that's where all the pubes are generated

from your pubis oh man yeah this has been a real bro fest what do you mean everyone's got a pubis oh yeah oh man um yeah um dave do do you have an overpubed? Let's all grow up. I can't. Let's all grow some pews. Guys, let's take a step back. Let's reconsider what we've done with our lives. Yeah, right?

My overheard is from a magical place called chipotle tell me about this because this is an american chain i've never been to before okay well this is a we have it here now get it get some it's next to chapters because all of our businesses must be alphabetical. So it's a burrito place. And you want a burrito, they've got five kinds. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah.

Red, green, brown, white. Yeah, you want, they've got chicken, they've got beef, they've got, I want to say pork, they've got something called barbacoa. Ooh. Which is like this amorphous blob that was kevin federline's second album barbacoa uh and then they've got vegetarian nice then you add toppings oh anyway it's very popular at the moment there was a long lineup and i was at the back of it until these two guys showed up behind me and one of them said I just feel like at my age I shouldn't have to line up anymore and I turned around and he was like 35 oh boy he's in for a long life yeah well

then these two guys this guy who was complaining about having to line up, he then proposed an idea to his buddy. Let's get married. That was, what if there was a plan, like a card that you could flash that you pay a fee every year and you don't have to line up for anything? You don't have to line up at restaurants. You don't have to line up for anything. You don't have to line up at restaurants. You don't have to line up for the bathroom at like a concert. You don't have to line up at a store. We all know that there's a basic flaw built into this whole idea. Which is?

Everybody signs up for the card and then you have to stand in line to flash a card. But his – he said, oh, no, no, no, but there would be a fee you would have to pay. He said, oh, no, no, no, but there would be a fee you would have to pay. So basically he's creating a two-class system for the lineup. And so this is the guy whose idea it was, who hates standing in line. And his buddy was like, well, what would you pay for it? And the guy was like, I don't know. What's a good amount? And the guy and his friend was like, well, I guess like $1,000 a year.

Oh, Jesus. And the guy said, no, that's too much. But like if you don't make the cost prohibitive, then everyone will just get the thing. Yeah, of course. And we're talking about this is a card that works unilaterally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, bars have to accept it. The government has to accept it. It's Black Friday. You want to be the first one to get trampled?

Yeah. And they were coming up with a system like, I think it would just be province-wide. I don't think we could get it nationally. What if people were lined up to get an autograph from somebody? You flash your thing. So Lady Gaga has to abide by this. At every... Everyone hates you if you have this card. Like, if you use this at the urinal, people will pee on you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Well, this guy hasn. That's true. Yeah. Well, this guy hasn't thought anything through. No, they really hadn't. But this guy's... Did he even, when he got his burrito, he was like, I don't even remember what we were lined up for. It's been so long. No, he actually did the thing.

I didn't know him, but he said, I'll have what he's having. Jesus. Like he was, he liked everything that i got on my beret yeah you you did have a loud orgasm at the front of the line yeah yeah yes yes yes yes yes i said he was rob reiner's mother um um my oh you go now i will goGi-Oh. Mine is an overseen from a store, and I've never seen a sign that has said this ever. It's a two-part. It's a sign like, not sandwich board, but kind of a shittier version of a sandwich board. It's on a spring.

Like a pita board. Yeah. Thank you. Like a spring. Like a pita board. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

And it's in front of a store that I, up until, like, I saw this sign, I thought was, like, an Indian video rental store. Because they have pictures on the front of videos. So I thought, oh, it's a video store. Videos of, like, Bollywood movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like. Dances with wolves. yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, like... Dances with Wolves. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, Eagle Heart. Or what is that movie? Eagle Heart or Thunder Heart? Val Kilmer was in a movie about... Oh, The Doors. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had overtones.

It had a Native American in it. That's right. Yep. As far as I can tell from the Wayne's World 2 recreation. So, anyways, on the PETA board out front, it said, we have Interac and we have camel meat. What? Yeah. Oh, man.

We have camel meat. Straight off the hump. You can pay it with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to pay. meat. Straight off the hump. But you can pay it with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to pay. It's straight off the hump. You don't have to pay with cash anymore. Oh, boy.

Yeah. I didn't know. But I mean, obviously, somewhere in the world, people are eating camel meat. I believe our friend Adam Pateman has eaten some camel meat. He told us once about a trip through Africa. It seems like it would be very hard to cook because every time you'd add water, it would just suck it all up. Isn't that what camels are famous for?

I don't know. Not having to drink? That's it. That's pretty much all. Yeah, anyways, I'm super curious if any of our listeners have had camel meat. What does that taste like? Or bought it. You should buy some.

Yeah, you should buy some. What do I do with it then? Give it to me. Okay. I'll throw it away. Is this a local Vancouver place? Yeah. I will buy camel meat this week and tell you how it tastes.

Okay. What animals have you eaten? It's easier for me to tell you what I have not. I have not tried porpoise. Have you had an eagle? A bald-headed eagle? I believe that's what Chris Gordon called it, a bald-headed eagle. Bald-headed eagle?

No, and it's not for a lack of trying. Have you eaten a tiger? That'd be fun, but no. A rhino. All right, so when I said it, it'd be easier to name what I haven't. I basically have had some moose. Have you had some elk? I haven't had moose.

I haven't had bison, I don't think. I've had deer. What's the weirdest thing? I had snake once. Oh. Like years and years ago. I had a snake. Like one time I ate the surprise part of the Kinder Surprise. It's the most dangerous game. Yeah.

I had moose heart once. That was... What? That's one of my favorite movies with a bell color. It was like, yeah, we, moose hunting when I was young with my dad, and we got a moose, and then you go and you cook it. It's just, it's the heart. It's and you cook it. It's just the heart.

It's just a muscle. It's like a roast. There's a, I think it's, is it Bear Krills? The guy, the survivor guy. He's definitely the less cool. He's the one who drinks his pee. Yeah. Les Stroud is the good one, the survivor man.

I can't remember which one it was, but I think it's Les Stroud, where he's up in the Arctic and he's basically dying. And an Inuit guy comes by and has just killed a seal. And the seal eye is a big delicacy. And he just handed it to him like, here you go. And this guy, oh, it was really gross. But as you can imagine, it was really gross. But yeah, like eating, you can eat, like if you kill the thing, you can just eat its heart. Like that won't make you sick or whatever.

What's the weirdest vegetable you've eaten? Broccoli. It's weird. It's all fuzzy. Graham took my answer. I was thinking about how weird the snack ants on the log is oh yeah it's just a concept last night i couldn't sleep and i couldn't stop thinking about like just like eating an ant on a log and how gross that would be or eating a raisin yeah but like it's like three things that don't

ever meet raisins isn't Isn't it? Celery. And peanut butter. And peanut butter. Or I guess like the other. Cheese whiz. Cheese whiz, which is just disgusting. Raisins and cheese whiz. Yeah, that's not a good combination.

No. Why is putting that on a celery make it more acceptable? Well, it adds personality. Yeah. I don't know. Anyways. Now. Dancing along is gross.

Is that all we have as far as overheards? No, dancing along is gross. Is that all we have as far as overheards? No, it's not actually. Yes. Luckily, we have people who have sent in overheards from all over the world and literally all over the world. If you want to be one of these people who sends in overheards, you can send them to us at spy at maximumfund.org. Thank you. That's spy at maximumfund.org. Now, this first one comes from – all the way from Sydney, Australia.

Oh, you weren't kidding when you said all over the world. This is from – I don't know how to pronounce this name. It's J-O-C-Y. J-O-C-Y. J-O-C-Y. Is that Jockey? Jossie. Josseline. Short for Josseline.

I'm going to go with Josseline. Jossie. Jossie. Jossie. Jossie. All right. Thank you. I haven't overheard – I would love to share.

A few years ago, my friends and I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the cinema. As we were leaving our seats, I heard a woman ask her friend, was that based on a true story? Remember? He reverse ages and then turns into a sperm. He doesn't turn into a sperm. I never saw it. He goes back up into a penis.

Isn't that what happens? It's like a Disney wish. And it goes into a penis. Isn't that what happens? It's like a Disney wish. Like, whoop! And it goes into a guy's penis. Yep, he makes a Disney wish. You know what I'm talking about. No! Oh, boy. When you wish upon a

pew. Anyways, how does it end? Doesn't he just turn into an egg and a sperm? No, he turns into a baby and dies. He doesn't shrink back down to like a zygote? No. He's a zygote. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. All right. This next one comes. How did he get born? I don't know. I've never seen it. Yeah, me neither.

I watched it really quick once. Like in Fast Forward. For my kid casting blog. He falls in love with a woman. And then there's a point where they're like – it's like an acceptable – They meet in the middle. Yeah. And then – He has an old man. He falls it's like an acceptable. They meet in the middle. Yeah. And then.

He falls in, he has an old man. He falls in love with a little girl. Oh yeah. Like, why is that okay in a movie? Why is that like. Because it's this weird movie. But like then any guy can be like, I'm, I'm also turning young. I find these young women attractive. Just give me time.

I'll turn young. Pretty good. So far we've mentioned two David Fincher movies. Oh, yeah. Don't try and force it, but let's see if we can go for three. Yeah. The first rule is don't force it. This next one comes from Kyle.

I have an overheard slash seen. We were at a social gathering at a friend's house and his kid jokingly threw something. Panic room. Well done. The thing is to not force it. We were at a social gathering at a friend's house and his kid jokingly threw something at one of the guys the kid was next to their pool so everyone

started chanting pool pool pool pool he picked up the boy tossed him in and when he surfaced he said very sternly this is not going to help my ear infection but he was asking for it. It's great that if there's a pool nearby, all you have to do is chant pool and somebody will take up the cause. Were you that kind of kid who, either of you, were the kind of kid who invited that kind of attention from bigger people?

Like you liked getting a little bit beaten up and thrown around? I absolutely was. Oh, really? We had a trampoline, and my brother's friends would just toss me around on it. And you were like, you'd make fun of them? You'd razz them? I'd razz them a bit. But then I would also immediately turn it around and be like, you hoed me.

You're mean. Yeah. No, I didn't because I was the oldest. So, yeah, I totally used my powers for bad. I was doing the hurting,

not being the hurted. I find doing the hooting, not being the hooted. I find it weird that in our relationship, I grew up as the youngest and you grew up as the oldest. That doesn't really come out. No, well, we don't have a trampoline. We've never been to a trampoline together or a pool.

Things might be different. My instincts may kick in, throw you through a trampoline into the pool. Oh, what a dream come true. Any kid who had a trampoline wished he had a pool. No one ever had both. Yeah. Oh, did I have a friend who had both?

I remember there was a friend growing up that had a pool and we were just like, that guy just made summers. An outdoor pool? An outdoor pool, yeah. In Calgary, Alberta. In Calgary, Alberta. So not used very often. And like, you know, there's like always debris in Canada. I feel like Canada is like debris heavy.

Like there's always either shit falling down or there's salt on the road or like there's just fucking leaves falling. So there's just always like garbage in this guy's pool. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, organic garbage. Yeah. The earth's garbage. The earth's garbage always ends up in this guy's pool.

So, yeah, it was always filled with like, you know, buds from the trees and like leaves and just filth. It was great. Still great. Splashing into that pool top drawer um now this is uh this i like this it's not necessarily that this uh overheard is funny but it's all the way from norway oh wow this is so international and and it's kind of just like a nice where was the second one from uh no fixed address okay parts unknown this uh this comes from a person named magnus oh this this is authentic

so far the story checks out yeah uh this overheard comes from magnus in rainy uh how do you pronounce Bergin, Norway, or Bergin? Bergina. Bergina. The proud hometown of Varg Vikernes. The guy that we were talking about. From Mayhem. Yeah. Yeah. What? The black metal guy who killed the other black metal guy from that other black metal band you talked about in the previous show.

This is all his writing. Thanks, Varg. Or Magnus. Or whatever. It says, I'm happy to live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood in Bergen. I'm not. And on my way home the other day, I walked behind a Middle Eastern mother and what I presume must have been her four or five-year-old son. They were holding hands while conversing in a foreign language I didn't understand. I have no idea what they said to each other, but I'm pretty sure I recognize the last bit coming from the small boy after a short silence as he gazed out on the field by the estate.

Super out of tune, it was clearly the riff from Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple. Yeah. Was there smoke on the water? It must have been, the kid it's uh it's universal yeah that song knows no language barriers no cultural barriers no age barriers yeah smoke on the water is for everybody yeah yeah it's the only song that's for everybody what age were you when you learned about spoke on the water uh i don't know. My brother played guitar so early. Right.

Because that's the first thing you learn to play a guitar. Yeah. Even before chords. Open three, five. Open three, six, five. Yeah. Open three, five. Three, five.

Something like that. Yeah. Can you remember? It's like it must have been one of those things like it was floating around the universe and the guy just plucked it out. Because he didn't, like, create a song that everybody would be able to. Oh, you mean the riff itself? Like, the riff must just be, like, ancient Egyptians used it. It's just been around forever.

Like, it's just part of our, it's part of the fabric of the universe. The song is based on a fire in a boat in Switzerland or something. Yeah, that makes sense. That's where the smoke would come from. Yeah. Oh, on the water. Right, right. Right.

Yeah. Where was the fire? It was in the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wait a minute. In the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wait a minute. In the sky. Okay.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us with your calls, call us, call us, call us at 206-339-8328. Like these people here. Like these ding-a-lings. Hey, Dave Graham, guest. This is Nathan from Philadelphia calling in with an overheard. I'm standing in line at the

grocery store, the checkout counter, and I hear a cute kid behind me saying, Mom, if I eat all of these, I am going to grow up to be big and strong. And I turn around and he's holding a box of Lucky Charms. He'll become one of those two things. If that guy only had paid his thousand dollars, he wouldn't even have heard that because he wouldn't have been standing in line. Oh, that's right. Yeah. He would have just been at home. To honest i simplified that story but the the um idea was

that for this not waiting in line pass you paid ten thousand dollars for ten years um but uh if you eat one box of lucky charms you won't nothing's gonna happen at all one way or the other that's true but what do you guys eat for breakfast? Usually, you know, I have – it depends on how much camel meat I've had. I don't know. Fruit, usually. Instant oats. Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm a Quaker oats guy. That's very hearty. I'm in the pocket of big Quaker. Big oat. I'm on a big Apple Jacks kicks kick oh i didn't know they still had those that sounds like something i want to be a part of yeah yeah you do they're not appley are they jackie they're absolutely jackie they're jackie jackie yeah they're jackie joyner cursey i uh i haven't eaten cereal in a long time like i've never i haven't eaten cereal in a long time. Like I haven't bought cereal. Sure, but you find it.

Yeah, I'll steal some. You fall into cereal. But, you know, like when we were in Kamloops, there was a breakfast buffet. I was about to call you a huge liar. I had Special K and I was like, like celery, it's not worth the calories that you go through to eat it. Chew it. Yeah. But once you pour a good half-

That's not what they say about celery. It's not worth the calories you go through. No, like if you're starving, don't eat celery. Oh, right. Because you'll burn up the exact amount of calories. Right? Isn't that the old- I guess if you were starving, though, you'd probably also be dehydrated, and celery would

be a good source of water. Well, unless you're starving and not dehydrated. Oh, didn't Bear Grylls, he drank like – He peed on some celery. He drank out of camel poo. Like he picked up camel poo and like squeezed it. We've talked too much about poo in the most – in the most – last few episodes. But people need to know this because if you're – if you forgot – if you remembered to pack your iPod and podcasts, but not your water canteen, and you're stranded in the desert right now, you could just, don't just eat the, don't eat it like chewing tobacco.

Like squeeze the water out of it. Bring cheesecloth with you. What if you brought all the stuff for having water? You had like a glass and an ice cube tray, but no water. You just had all the stuff. You had limes. But there was time for this. Here's your next phone call.

Hey, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is Brian from South Florida with an over scene. I was driving on a local street, and there were two dump trucks, one behind the other, in a turn lane, and I'm facing them. And at one moment, a guy on a bicycle rides behind the truck in the front, and it takes like 30 seconds for the bike and the guy to come out on the other end. And then the light changes and as the front truck starts driving away, all of the dirt starts coming out of the lift gate in the back and it's turning

and the dirt just keeps falling and the truck in the back is just leaning on the horn, but the guy in the front is totally unaware, and all this dirt is just dumping out in the street as it's driving. And I think what happened was this guy on the bike played the ultimate prank on the truck and unlatched the gate before it drove away. Thanks. The ultimate prank. You were laughing through the whole call. Yeah, because he started laughing

and I was like, oh man, something's going to start dumping out or falling off of the thing. I love shit like that. It's that easy to open up a dump truck? Yeah. A couple of little pins. Easier than opening a bank account.

Ask us today. You can than opening a bank account. Ask us today. Yeah. You can open our dump truck. Our dirt bank account. When someone says they have a dirt farm, what does that mean? It just means they're a shitty farmer. Okay. You know, we've got the dirt.

You can put stuff in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. That's funny. That's pretty fun. Oh, man. It's like, I don't know why. My brain is really stuck in that mode of just finding like, yeah, a pile of dirt falling over is really funny.

I just don't think that that shit's fucking hilarious. Yeah, you're big on a bucket full of water on a door. Oh, man. Or if you don't have water, a bucket full of water on a door yeah oh man or if you don't have water a bucket full of camel shit that you squeeze out onto someone just the water portion here's your final phone call of the night this is scott from philadelphia calling in with an overheard i work at a restaurant that is uh across the street from a famous historical penitentiary called Eastern State Penitentiary, built in the 1820s. It counts among several famous inmates, Al Capone. This happened this past weekend over some, thanks to St. Patrick's

Day festivities, four girls were coming into the restaurant, all St. Patrick's Day festivities, four girls were coming into the restaurants, all St. Patrick's Day-ed out, green everywhere, shamrocks, you know, everything. And one of them, gesturing behind her toward the colossal edifice of Eastern State Penitentiary, says to the other girls, Yeah, Al Pacino lived at Alcatraz. Ooh, ah. Yep. When I was going through these calls, when he said Al Capone, I, in my head, I went Al Pacino.

I was like, Al Pacino never went to to prison but then i realized that i'm as dumb as these girls yeah he was a method actor he's going there to research for a role yeah he did it for his role in uh jack and jill where he plays himself he's like i want to play myself as if i spent some time in prison yeah but i oh that's a great movie at the end when he does the dance it is amazing it is pretty amazing the al pacino cappuccino from duncan donut jesus no is that actually yeah yeah that's from jack and jill yeah it's weird it's really weird because like i don't know like you get this feeling like adam sandler and al pacino must know each other socially because there's – there's just no way that he would end up in that –

I don't think Al Pacino knows people socially. Him and Robert De Niro hang out apparently. Yeah, in heat. Yeah. Well, that's all they ever talk about. Remember in heat? Yeah. Remember Righteous Kill?

We were in that as well. Ah, lordy. Well, if you want to get in touch with us, it's 206-339-8328 or spy at MaximumFun.org. Now, Kevin, this brings us to the end of the show. Do you have anything that you would like to plug? Yeah. You can follow me on Twitter, at Banner Comedy. You can also unfollow Chris Gordon.

That'd be fun, too. At LLGordonJ. You've got a lot of comedy enemies. No, no, no. Frenemies. Yeah. Um, yeah. And, and, uh, every second Monday of the month, Kyle Bottom and I run a show at, uh, eight and a half.

Uh, it's eight and main street in Vancouver. And, uh. What is that? It's a fun little show. It used to be, um be the place Phil Hanley. He hosted a comedy show there for years. Eighth and Main. Oh, oh, the was it the one in the the vegetarian place?

Yeah. OK. Yeah. Honestly, I don't know why I can't remember the name of the place, but it's like two doors in from the Main Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Main and 8th, and it's eight and a half inches of comedy every, I know, believe me, I know. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I couldn't. Jokingly, Kyle and I were pitching names of the show back and forth, and I said, how about inches of comedy at eight and a half? And he said that that was one of the ones he took to the owner. And the owner goes, yeah, 8 1⁄2, Inches of Comedy. I love it. And I was like, that wasn't quite what I wanted. It's a porn-themed bar, right? Yeah.

Yeah. They have, you know. Camel meat. That guy that just died. Oh, yeah. Ron Jeremy died? No. Oh, Deep Throat.

Deep Throat, Magoo. Not Deep Throatroat the informant. That guy. Harry Reams. Harry Reams. Harry Reads. Harry Reads. Senate Committee on Porno.

Rex Reads. Hates. Anyway. And if you do follow me based on my spy appearance. That would be weird. Jesus. What is wrong with your life? By all means,

tweet something at me. Let me know where you picked up the old Bansky. And what is your Twitter handle? The old Bansky? It's at Banner Comedy, which I hate, but I'm stuck with it.

You should change it to at the old Bansky. The old Bansky. The old Bannister. Are you Bankanshee? Tell us now. That's the thing. It's like if a cop propositing a prostitute or Banshee, they have to tell you if they're them.

You got to tell me if you're a cop or Banshee. He pulls out a stencil and it says, I'm a cop. Anyways, Dave, anything to plug? Max's Fun Drive is coming up next week. Get your affairs in order. Yeah, and you'll be hearing more from us re-that engagement. And also on the 30th of this month, you will be there. I will be there.

Rap battles. Rap battles at the Little Mountain Gallery. Yeah. And that was a – I didn't get to go to the last one, but I hear it was a – Oh, it's so much fun. Cracker Jack, Choco Block, Cheeked Jowl, just bumper to bumper fun. The funnest fun. Funnest fun.

Yeah, absolutely. Lots of past guests. Oh, yeah. Exclusively. And yeah, so come by, check that out. And go over to MaximumFun.org. Check out all our brother and sister podcasts. There's a lot of them.

There's a lot of them to check out. A lot of good stuff being pumped out each and every week. And check out the recap blog that Dave does every week that accompanies the show. Pictures and videos relating to the content of the show. Yeah. For instance, this week we will absolutely have – Picture from Consumers Distributed. Yeah.

The Seven Deadly Sins. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Air Traffic Controllers. That's right. picture from consumers distributing yeah the seven deadly sins oh yeah yeah air traffic controllers and whatever abalone oxycontin ambergris

oh yeah well absolutely have oxycontin yeah and ambergris is whale vomit ambergris ambergris yeah it's whale vomit that's floated around

on the ocean and has been polished it's very sought after by perfumers. Under the sea. And if you want to go over to iTunes, leave us a review. Say, hey, nice work, you guys. Keep it up.

Keep it up. Yeah. I like to support the community. Yeah. And if you need to get in touch, 206-339-8328 or spy at MaximumFun.org. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Boo! Thank you.