Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 265

Episode Date: April 15, 2013

No guest this week as we talk barbers, the apocalypse, and top fives. Also, Drunk Dials makes its return.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 265 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who looks so fresh and so clean with his brand new haircut, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I went and I asked for the Daniel Day-Lewis. And they started giving you a Daniel Plainview and you were like, no, no, no, the Daniel Day-Lewis.

I actually got my haircut last night, and I asked the woman, my hairdresser, wee-wee, I've gone to her for the last six or seven years, maybe? And she, I mean, I think the world might no i i do but i think my haircut is a pretty easy haircut for her yeah yeah yeah uh but i like i go because i've never i i've only ever had awkward silences with hairdressers and uh we hit it off the first time i got my haircut by her but um the uh i asked her night, do people come in with pictures? And do they, like, what do most men ask for these days? Like Jennifer Aniston.

Yeah. And she said, oh, there's not like a specific celebrity or anything, but it's shaved basically all the way around. Like super short, not like Bic razor shave. Okay. Because I was like, what, like rugby players? Yeah, shaved super short all up until basically like really high on the head. Really? Like above the temples and then long.

And I was like, is there a name for that? And she was like, the SS, I think. Oh, the SS. It's like a Hitler haircut. Weird oh the ss it's like a hitler haircut weird yeah because that's um yeah who maybe like the guy from maroon five has a haircut like that yeah what's his name stacy oh the lead singer i don't know the lead singer's name i know the other four guys the other five yeah jeff jeffrey thompson the drummer no they you're wrong they're they all have the last name maroon oh yeah the traveling wilburys

the traveling wilbury tom wilbury no they all had will fake wilbury they did names yeah but everyone knew their real identities it's not like the ramones where no one knows Joey Ramone's real name unless they go to Wikipedia. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. So you get your hair cut at night. Yeah. That's weird.

Kind of a daytime activity. It's like going to the dentist at night. Ooh, night dentist. Oh, yeah. Gross. oh i didn't go like at four in the morning it wasn't like an all-night haircut place do those probably exist in like a los angeles or something like all-night haircut yeah even i don't think so even i don't think so oh by the way for the listener no guests this week oh that's right um and uh we just want to to – we thought every 10 episodes or so we do one of just the two of us. And it's been like 15 or 16 episodes. This is a real sorbet.

Well, how so? You know, reset your palate. Okay. Isn't that what a sorbet is? Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Now, why wouldn't a 24 hour haircut place?

Well, I know why it would be gross, but why wouldn't it work? Because it's gross? Like, I don't think I think, well, I mean, the way haircut places work now in general is I think you, someone owns the salon and then you have to rent a chair. Right. So the three to 7 a.m. chair would probably be empty most of the time. Yeah. But except for truckers, right? Prostitutes.

Sure. Who mostly just wants something cut out of their hair all day. Which ones? The truck drivers? I don't know. It seems like a thing. It just seems like an all-night laundromat and also haircutting. What are the all-night things?

There's not much round here. Well, round here, you always stand up straight. Denny's. Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand. She said, I'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. Stoico. Denny's. Used to be Home Depot.

Was a 24-hour. Rally. Yeah. Used to be able to go and buy, whatever, a hammer or a frame. Sure. Yeah. A hammer. A shovel. Yeah. He used to be able to go and buy, whatever, a hammer or a frame. Sure. Yeah. A hammer. A shovel.

Yeah. Make a canvas sheet. Bunch of garbage bags. A tarp. Bleach. Yeah. Lime. Where do you keep your lime?

Yeah. Denny's. Various diners. Yeah. Convenience stores. At various diners. Yeah. Convenience stores.

Also, like, there's some bakeries that are, like, 24 hours because they have to start so early in the day anyways. They might as well have someone work in the front. Yeah. While they work the back. Yeah. And then, you know, like, nothing. There's nothing wholesome, really. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no jimbery. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's no Gymboree. Oh, maybe there's 24-hour – no, there's not 24-hour bookstores. That would just turn into a giant like homeless sleeping center. A lot of people with a magazine covering their face pass out in your onboard Starbucks. Yeah, like – oh, 24-hour coffee coffee shops we've got quite a few of those in uh vancouver for whatever reason yeah i guess you know your waves yeah why wouldn't you i don't get why any coffee shop is open past four um because people gotta get up get a coffee go get their haircut it's true they don't want to be drows coffee, go get their haircut. It's true. They don't want to be drowsy when they get their haircut.

I don't know. It just seems like if you were in Vegas, I bet you there's a place that you can get your haircut at like 4 in the morning. Oh, yeah, sure. There's a whole haircut-themed casino. Yeah, it's a giant barber pole. And you go in and eat meat pies from Sweeney Todd. Well, actually, they do a Sweeney Todd Cirque du Soleil thing.

Yeah, and then there's a barber of Seville slots. Yeah, a little shop of horrors, something. Yeah. Craps. And then, oh, on stage, the stand-up comedians of the movie Barbershop. Yeah, yeah. And that's as good a theme as any theme to the hotel. Yeah, the men and women's bathrooms are Barbershop and Beauty Shop themed.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Yeah. All this week, Queen Latifah. And all the toilets are like barber chairs. Well, that'd be kind of fun, actually. There's a mirror in front of you. The toilet water's blue barbicide.

There's a bunch of combs sitting in the toilet. Yeah. What they make up for in all the gambling revenues, they lose in flushing combs down the toilet. And calling plumbers. Fortunately, the plumber-themed casino is right next door. Hey, Tony. Yeah, this is Ray from the barber casino.

You'll never guess what happened. We just keep a plumber on retainer. Because someone flushed their retainer down the toilet. I haven't had a haircut in many, many, many years now. Is there a barber shop in Little Shop of Horrors? Dentist. Yeah, I think it is. I mean, but all the elements were there. You were thinking of somebody wearing an apron and know kind of an apron and shop is in

the title yeah yeah easily it could have been um i'm trying to think of what else what other like oh uh the man uh who wasn't there yeah that's a great uh barber flick sure yeah also a great dry cleaning flick do you think i'm next time i go to a barber which could be any year now, I'm going to ask. Yeah, it's been two or three years, hasn't it? Yeah. Do you want us, because I was asking you when your last haircut was, and you complained that the guy who cuts your hair costs too much. He's out of your price range now. Yeah.

Do you want if I go every three years? Yeah. Should we start a... Oh, by the way, thanks everyone for supporting Max Fun Drive. Now it's time for Max Haircut Drive. We're trying to get a thousand new donors to help cut Graham's hair. But we want you to come and cut it personally. We don't want you to donate money.

Yeah, we want to donate you. We want you to donate a clip. Yeah, your time. One snip. Yeah, we want to donate you. We want you to donate a clip. Yeah, your time. One snip. Yeah, that's the website. Go to onesniponeclip.org. Yeah. Together, we can cut Graham's hair.

One time I went and got a haircut at like a hipster barber guy. So like a – that word doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. Was it like an old-timey place? Yeah, but it wasn't an old-timey guy. It was a guy my age. Oh, it wasn't a guy from the 1800s? No, yeah, yeah. a guy from the 1800s no yeah yeah oh that kind of uh um uh uh trend of having like throwback to the the old west yeah style general stores and uh barbers would be great if they could reanimate

people i i would be and i think i'm the only one but if they if hipsterssters got into doing the old time like bath, you know, the old cowboy baths that like – Outdoor metal. Yeah, and then like a lady would come and dump a pitcher of hot water on your head. And like right next to it is a trough that a horse is – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like – you got the back scratcher. And yeah, if there was a hipster thing like that. Like I think like Portland would be the perfect place for like.

Shanghai noon style. Yeah, like an old timey, an old west bath house. But not. Not a bath house. Not a bath house. But like a house of baths. Yeah. Where you just go in and just have a bath.

You pay like five bucks. And you get to sit in a basin of hot water. Have a bath. It's tough though because it's so dusty. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. There's, you know, wish brooms. Yeah.

What are those things? Tumble weeds. Wish brooms? What's a wish broom? Tumble weeds and stuff. And you're still wet and all the dust and, you know, thickets stick to your skin. This thing, because it's now, like, you would have doors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would just look like then, but it's now. Oh, okay. So it would have doors, air conditioning. Saloon doors, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't keep anything out. Were saloons 24-hour things? Because they...

In the Old West, I feel like everything was 24 hours. Yeah, because you have these saloon doors. Okay, we're closed. Then I'll just... Just put the latch on it? Yeah, put the latch over the saloon doors. Oh, they must be closed. But in the Old West, if you were a drunk that wanted to get in, you had to limbo under the doors.

You couldn't just crawl under. You must be this short to drink after hours. Yeah, short people were always drunk in the Old West. They got no reason. But, yeah, I went to, like, a barbershop that looked like a 70-year-old guy who, you know, served in a war. But it was a young guy who looked like a 70-year-old guy? Had his hair cut like a 70-year-old guy. Scrimshaw?

Yeah, yeah. And he gave me a real haircut that would have been good 50 years ago. What was wrong with it? Because I feel like a haircut 50 years ago, men's heads haven't changed. Like a haircut 30 years ago, men's heads haven't changed. Well. Like a haircut 30 years ago is a bad one. Like if someone gave you like a. It was too short.

It was too short. A bowl cut from eight is enough. Then that would be trouble. Yeah, yeah. That's he put a bowl on my head and I was like, wait a minute. And he's like, no, just trust me. Just hold your breath until I'm done. But I think an early 60s haircut is a classic that will stand the test of time i don't think there is too short uh it was

ladies am i right it made me look like a little kid um like a like a kid that was like getting uh his like uh sixth grade did, but you love it? No, no. Everybody was like, looks like a little kid's haircut. Maybe this guy, maybe I misread the sign. Maybe it was a haircut place for kids. Yeah, maybe it was a throwback to

your elementary school days. It wasn't a throwback to the early 1900s. It was the early 1990s yeah that's my age um i don't uh anyways it was like i think like there was maybe even alcohol or i don't know there were porno magazines in the place it was something that is trying to make it like more like mannish i was like like, I don't know. I think I would rather just go to a place where there's ladies.

But it was a – because there is a man-themed one on Canby called Jack. Oh, no. I never went in there because that one's got – That's like a sports bar-looking one. It's like if Tim Allen ran a haircutting place. Yeah. They probably only do one kind of haircut there. These Clippers need more power.

Yeah, they're the only Clippers in town that have a pull start. Yeah. Many, many men have lost ears. Yeah, everybody either gets the rugby cut or the hockey cut. They're like, what beer league do you belong to? I think that place is still there. Yeah, I think so. It does well.

Yeah, sure. People want to look like a man. Yeah, I was trying to think of a famous sports haircut. Oh, Joe Namath. Yeah. Or Johnny Unitas. Johnny Unitas, right? He had a blocky.

According to that episode of The Simpsons. I looked it up online he has like the uh the military yeah yeah and then um joe namath had long hair and then who's the guy who's in the head and shoulders commercials oh troy palomalu yeah yeah he's famous football hair yeah um yeah these are all great dues yeah great sports Great sports cuts. What about, oh, Joe Montana. When I think of like a, like a, like 80s quarterback guy, he has the exact right haircut. Yeah. Joe Montana had sort of the same hair as Wayne Gretzky.

Yeah. Kind of feathered, parted in the middle maybe. Yeah. And then like kind of long over the ears a bit and then hanging down at the back. That's a great haircut. Yeah. Why don't, uh, oh, I know why guys don't do that anymore it's ugly you have to be uh a successful millionaire to pull it off a sports hero um what do you think

was like the coolest thing that joel montana had in his house joel montana yeah his brother probably the guy who started Montana Steakhouse. What's the coolest thing Joe Montana had in his house? It was like a novelty thing that would have existed. I don't know. He was kind of a humble guy as far as I remember. Maybe he had humble pie. Sure. I don't know.

Just something like a VHS Rewinder or something like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, like big deal 80s things yeah yeah like because he was a football star like he's like oh check out my oh yeah like a well a football phone that he got with a subscription to sports illustrated oh yeah that's true well that was free um and. But also probably the five-pound cell phone. Oh, yeah. He probably had a car phone, and he probably had one of the first fax machines ever. Yeah.

What, a little robot that could swallow quarters? Yeah, yeah, and came in, put sodas on a tray, and just spilled soda all over your carpet. Yeah. I have spilled soda all over your new carpet. And then it commits suicide. It's like one of, it's a seppuku. I have shamed my family, my robot family. Yeah.

And then he stabs himself, all these quarters fall out. My robot family. Yeah, and then he stabs himself. All these quarters fall out. There's a photo or like a series of photos of one of the first houses that Mike Tyson bought when he like first became the heavyweight champion and, you know, kind of had millions at his disposal. So he's like 20 and he's got a mansion and it's like totally like the mansion in the jerk like it's just like like one room's all gold yeah like it's just gold everything and then crazy room that has like four staircases i love it the escher room yeah he's like here's the physics defined room yeah but uh he abandoned it like nobody's ever uh bought it he's a band he abandoned it like nobody's ever bought it.

He abandoned it like nobody's business. Yeah. He beat the shit out of it and left it out in the field. Yeah. But it's still – apparently it's still there and like some kids broke into it and took photos of it. Deer populate it. That's – yeah. They all drink out of the hot tub it's like the local watering hole

for the deer um that would probably hunters hang out in there shoot the deer that are in the that would be a fun like my favorite part of uh the apocalypse is uh wait wait wait count down your top five favorite oh boy uh okay number five number five. Coming in at number five. Would be like countdowns. They do at the end of... At the end of the year. At the end of the year, but they're like, oh, it's the end of mankind. Well, here are the top 50...

Style mistakes. Yeah. Here are the greatest one-note guitar solos. Well, I hope Cinnamon Girl is number one. Number four on my countdown of my favorite things about the apocalypse would be, you know, just rediscovering prayer. Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. Communing with a force bigger than you.

Yeah, yeah. Just recognizing that, all right, you were right. Yeah, there's something outside of me that's also inside of me. Oh, boy, yeah. That's why there's synergy is mentioned so often in the Bible.

Yeah, exactly. Coming in at number three. Number three would be yard sales. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Getting rid of my fridge. Barely used. Number three would be yard sales. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Getting rid of my fridge. Yeah. Barely used.

I don't need these possessions. And I'd be like, well. I do. Yeah. Maybe I do. Look, I'm going to try to survive this apocalypse. What do you think? The people are getting rid of their possessions.

What do they want in exchange? Ammo, I guess. Yeah, ammo. Oh, boy. Ammo. Amber. Amber. they might want to like have a have a dinosaur make a dinosaur out of out of amber um that's basically it ammo and amber the two a's the two a's of apocalypse survival uh-huh and uh And finally, number two. Number two. Not finally.

The other, the final thing. Dave's looking around the room frantically. Tables, tables. I wonder how tables would react to the apocalypse. And number one, with a bullet. With a bullet. With a bullet. Would be like the ecosystems that grew into where people used to live.

Yeah, yeah. Like Mike Tyson's old house. There's a documentary based on a book called The World Without Us. And they chart just using like different statistics and stuff how long different areas would take to be repopulated by animals grubs grubs yeah uh yeah the statue of liberty would be taken over within a week by grubs it would be lineups for grubs to go and see at the top they love that copper um that uh that uh so you see the said the grubs lining up inside it, not crawling up the outside? Yeah, yeah.

No, they're going on the tour like humans. Oh, okay. Sure. They're very like us. How long until Alcatraz? Oh, you mean until stuff grows over Alcatraz? Yeah, or grubs. Grubs go on tours.

Grub tours. So you think grubs are going to survive? I don't see why not. They're going to be the dominant species. Well, I mean, there's going to be enough of them to feed the other species. Birds are going to survive. Yeah, absolutely. They can just fly away.

That's what Nelly Furtado was on about. Yeah. The apocalypse. Yeah. She's promiscuous. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, lots of birds are. It's yeah uh penguins aren't they made for life well they're supposed to but they're still you know but they also don't fly away like nelly for dollars that's true there's kind of don draper penguins there's You know, they made the vow. Yeah. They're out of town.

Anyways, yeah. Statue of Liberty seems like it always takes the brunt of any apocalypse. Yeah. Like it's always. Planet of the Apes. First to be knocked down. Cloverdale. Escape from New York. Cloverfield. Cloverfield. That one where New York gets frozen. Cloverdale. Escape from New York.

Cloverfield. Cloverfield. That one where New York gets frozen. Oh, yeah. Where there's a whole storm. The day after Tamari. Yeah. Tuesdays with Tamari. Tuesdays with Tamari.

Yeah. And I'm sure there's others. But, yeah, Statue of Liberty always. Yeah. Real target. You shouldn't be around it. If the apocalypse is is coming that's the one place you shouldn't be because uh yeah there's nothing the apocalypse likes more than knocking that thing down any kind of real world shift wants to knock the shit out of that statue yeah anything the French have given you, hide it.

The apocalypse does not take kindly to gifts from those people. What do you mean, those people? The French. Oh, right. Dave, what's going on with you? About 20 minutes in and getting to know us. Oh, not much. Today I was walking my dog.

Grandpa. Someone wrote me, I think on Twitter, and said that there's actually in the new Evil Dead movie, there's a dog named Grandpa. It's a common name. I'm not going to get mad. I am.

On your behalf. Sure. Why do they need to remake that movie anyways? I don't know. I never saw it the first time. Oh, really? Yeah. I think I'll just see this one.

I'm sure it's fine. Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine, but it's like, I don't know. Come on. Come on. Come on. Make a movie, guys. Come on.

Yeah. I got a script writer. Sit around a room. Come up with an idea. You know? Like, we just came up with a whole bunch of ideas that are great. Movie worthy. Yeah. Great movies. The barbershop. Barbershop casino. We just came up with a whole bunch of ideas that are great. Movie worthy.

Great movies. The Barbershop Casino. Starring Joe Pesci. Yeah, starring the cast of Barbershop, the cast of Casino. Oh shit, that would be amazing. So funny, so violent. So yeah, walking my dog. I'm going to try to make this as clean as possible all right but uh on a walk he'll do his business and he'll go once whatever because he has to then he has

taxes then he wants to to do his business again oh grandpa but he'll wait until he has an audience. Oh, gross. Yeah. Grandpa. So he loves, like, the summer is his favorite time because there's people sitting in their yard. And so he'll just go like, oh, this is the place. And sometimes he'll time it perfectly so that, like, oh, someone's parking their car. Okay, yeah, I'll just, I'll wait till they get out. I'll stop here.

And then I'll start doing the little circle as they're getting out of their car. And that's great because I enjoy avoiding these people's eye contact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And today, today was, it was going to be the greatest thing possible. Yeah. Because there were these people going door to door. Like, I think they were, I'm guessing, Jehovah's Witnesses. Are they the people who do it?

They were hitting my neighborhood pretty hard last week or so. Okay. Yeah. And they were in this yard, and I guess Grandpa noticed that. And they were knocking on the door, and I was like, oh, this is going to be the best. Because imagine opening your door, and there's two Jehovah's Witnesses who are about to expound on the glory of Jehovah. And then you also see right outside your gate a dog.

What's that extra doing in the background? A dog circling. But unfortunately, the people didn't answer their door, but I was getting so excited. Oh, yeah, sure. It's timing. It's all about timing. It was about 9 in the morning, so it would have been like the perfect way to start your Saturday morning. Yeah, a real nabob moment. Yeah, a real Nabob moment.

Yeah, the best part of waking up. What is that, Folgers? That's Folgers. Ah, Folgers. Nabob also has a moment. Yeah, let's give Nabob their due. Now that Kodak doesn't, Kodak's dead, right? Oh, no.

Kodak's still a thing. But what do they make? Cameras? They don't make film. I think they make film still. Because most movies that you see are on film. Oh, yeah. And most movies still shot on film.

On Kodachrome. Yeah. Most are shot on Kodachrome. Because they make those... I can't remember that song. Please don't take my Chronochrome. Yeah, yeah. What part of it?

Something about the colors. The greens of summer. Yeah. Ooh. No, no. That's the part you skipped over. Rewind. Oh, yeah. That's not part of the song.

I don't remember. But my question is this. Now that Kodak's dead. Yeah. Fuji finally gets to rise. They don't get, they don't use the, like, if and when they go away, they won't be needing the Kodak moment. Slogan anymore. So can you say, like you said,

a real Nabob moment. Can other companies then come along and take that? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, nobody has a trademark

on the word moment as far as I know. So, you know, I'm trying to think of another company that would be like, like Xerox doesn't really have a moment.

Or like a thing that could use the word moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something where it would be appropriate, like. I mean, like Trojan. Oh, yeah. Sounds like you're having a trojan moment um why are the only companies that i can life is made up of moments graham don't don't you realize that uh top five moments oh okay uh there was one where uh i'm like protesting against these loggers and then there's one where I'm

surfing and then there's one where I got a tattoo on my lip that said live life and then I drank a Corona It's a Corona moment Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, a Corona moment Yeah, Corona Chrome All of those images were taken from

a Corona commercial that I saw last night. Oh, yeah? Yeah. How are they doing? You know, good with a slice of lemon or a slice of lime. Yeah, they prefer a lime. They prefer it. Who they? The French?

Someone was criticizing me. Was it somebody close to you? It was a co-worker because I bought Corona. Uh-huh. which is at seven in the morning at seven in the morning um uh and they thought it was they think that's terrible beer what i like shut up is all i have to say yeah well i mean it's not get out of my business yeah like it's beer you know it's good yes Get out of my business. Yeah, like it's beer, you know. It's good. It's nice.

But they were saying something about, I feel like I may have mentioned this on the show, about how, oh, that's the only beer that has to test for rat feces. And I was like, well, why don't other beers? Like, I'd rather drink the beer that tests for it. Because most of the other beers, the rats that swim around in it wear trunks. Sure. That hold the feces in. And the other beers have like – I hear that they put in a special chemical that if you take a poo, then it turns a different color so that everybody can see who did it. Oh, yeah.

The greens of summer. That's what Kodachrome is about. That's like an urban legend thing, right? That's not a thing. Oh, the – Like peeing in a pool. It'll change. Yeah, it happens.

I saw it in this documentary about grownups. Oh, right. That's where it was from. But it was also in a – it was in a movie that wasn't – I think it was in that movie with Michelle Williams and Seth Rogen. It was like a Sarah P paulie movie oh yeah uh dance uh take this waltz dance fighters yeah dance fighters uh dance fighters too take this waltz and shove it yeah uh is that not what the full title is like yeah take this waltz and shove it is that what the what take this waltz refers to no it's a leonard cohen song oh and shove it

yeah take this waltz and shove it um uh but it's uh they don't do the brackets they do on the soundtrack take this waltz i'm sure but uh okay top five songs that have brackets in the title oh oh oh oh well i just died in your arms tonight yep uh everything i. I do it for you. Okay. Well, those are parentheses. Does it matter? No.

Parentheses or parentheses? No. Because sometimes the parentheses or brackets will say featuring Flo Rida. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that doesn't count. No featureings. Was the boy is mine? Did that have a parentheses on it?

The boy is mine? Or the boy is mine, not yours. No, I don't think so. The one that we made it. I think that's five. Which ones do we say? We said five of them. Something, something, Flo Rida.

Something, something in your arms tonight. Flo Rida. What did I say? Flo Rida. Like the state of Flo Rida? No, no, no. That's all the stuff that he gets backstage at his show. It's Flo Rida?

Yeah. Flo Rida's Flo Rida. Yeah, Brown M&M's. Brown Bunny on DVD. Gross. That's the thing that you have to make sure that they read the whole contract? Yeah. Where's the

copy of brown bunny queued up to my favorite scene yeah the closing credits um yeah what we're talking about oh originally um uh my dog's business but that's fine i'm glad we i had nothing so yeah no that's great um don't glad we... I had nothing, so... Yeah. No, that was great. Don't take my Kodachrome away. Yeah. Wee-woo. Is that a parentheses? Don't take my Kodachrome away.

Yeah. Yeah. If you put parentheses... Oh, oh, ah, ah. Was there another song that you thought of? I thought I did. Oh, oh, ah, ah. Was there another song that you thought of? I thought I did.

I feel like ones like that, like, that are like, have like a vocal hook, like a da, da, da. Oh, yeah, yeah. They also have words in parentheses. Yeah. Please, Hammer, don't hurt him, but in parentheses. But if you do, take it easy over there, Hammer. Right? Is that how it goes?

Why did I bring parentheses back up? That was dumb of me. Yeah. So, yeah, what's going on with you? Well, I opened my door and there was a dog taking a shit. But good news, I'm now a Jehovah jehovah's witness yeah it's a real upside downside yeah i'm gonna uh i'm getting really excited for christmas this year um they uh i'm not sure if it was the jehovah's witness because you don't like celebrating

your birthday go on you don't like celebrating Christmas. I like knocking on people's doors. And yet, no Halloween. Yeah, the... No New Year's Day. I like to do this at least once a year. Usually when the winter fades away away spring has sprung and uh we're we're we're coasting towards uh balmy summer okay and uh it's my public service to everyone uh particularly the menfolk to uh try to dissuade them year in year out from wearing flip-flops, because guys, it's the worst.

Your feet are a plague. They are the worst part of any man's body, and they should be covered up. Now, let's go through the top five worst parts of every man's body. Oh, okay. Number one. No, number five. Oh, yeah, number five. Elbow skin.

Okay. Yeah. Because guys don't moisturize that. And it turns flaky. And like sometimes dudes have like weird scabs there. Okay. Yeah. So number five with a bullet.

My elbow skin is great. Yeah. Dave, we're not talking about you. We're talking about the average guy. Oh, yeah. I'm above average. Number four. In terms of body parts. Men's nose hair. Oh, yeah, guy. Oh, yeah. I'm above average. Number four. In terms of body parts.

Men's nose hair. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take care of that, right? What's better, nose or ear? Well, if you're wearing headphones all the time, then ear. Yeah, people don't need to look into your ears as often as they need to look into your nose. Yeah, like if you're talking to somebody and you've got crazy nose hairs everywhere. So that's a big one. number three uh crazy eyebrow hair that's that's that's worse than

nose hair yeah because i can if i like i can just keep eye contact uh but if you've got crazy eyebrows crazy eyebrows are kind of great uh are they? Yeah. I don't know. They're not as gross as nose hairs. Okay, so you would flip-flop those. Ah, gross. I'm thinking of flip-flops. No, don't. Number two.

Number two. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just the genitals? Yeah, I guess those are pretty gross. I mean, no, you know what?

The small of a man's back when there's like a tuft of hair on it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Disgusting. Above your shorts? Yeah. Yeah. That's way worse than any genital. And then number one with a bullet, your feet.

Yeah, okay. They're gross. Ladies take great care of their feet. They paint up the nails. They feature them in Quentin Tarantino movies. Absolutely. And, uh, so show them off ladies. Uh, and you know what, if you're a fellow out there that takes that same level of care

of your feet, go ahead. But, uh, the rest of you, God damn it. It's not that hot out anywhere. Oh no, not yet. Yeah. But it's happening now yeah but like uh you know uh it's just like uh you know there's all sorts of other types of shoes that are as oh no i can't be bound by canvas by convention yeah um you know a canvas a harachi a oh what's a horachi

um it's like an interwoven it's like an open face sandwich yeah? It's like an interwoven leather. It's like an open-faced sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. It's like an interwoven leather. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, don't do that. No, they're very... That looks dumb.

With the right pants, it's great. What about gummy sandals? I don't know what that means. What's a gummy sandal? Those things little girls wore? I don't know. Like a gummy worm, but like a sandal? Yeah, but not like food gummy.

Like textile gummy. Yeah. Wait, are we talking about a girl wearing them or a guy wearing them? Shut up. You shut up. Anyways, just come on. Just don't. Guys, fellas.

Yeah, I've seen too much already, but I'm not. I don't. There's no going back. Like it was the first day the sun came out. People, men were being that way. And we're talking about like. Don't be that way. Like if you're at a cottage.

I don't give a shit what you do up there. If you're near, if you're even near a beach. Yeah, fine. We're talking about in the city, on the buses, in a food court. Grow up. Like, yeah. Grow a pair of shoes and put them on. If you notice at the end of the day that your feet are visibly blackened by the streets, then you wear a shoe.

Yeah. That's a bad thing. Oh, it's just like, and I mean, it's just like we live in an age of air conditioning. Like there's just no reason to be like in a public place and be like, oh, it's too hot. And also I saw like a guy wearing flip-flops and then like a jacket.

Like, so I'm like, you're not even working to cool yourself. You're just a shitty guy. Maybe his house was on fire that morning and he just keeps flip flops by the door. Well, he had time to put his hair in a ponytail into three separate quadrants of ponytail. Oh, that's a fun haircut. Yeah. And he was also wearing a Harley Davidson T-shirt and he was riding on the bus. Oh, he's the most interesting man in the world.

What do you think he does for a living? He's a wizard? He's a spokesman for Dos Equis. Yeah, he was pretty interesting. I can't stop thinking about him. Yeah, why is the guy in the Dos Equis commercial, he's just like a regular looking dude. I want a guy who baffles me when I look at him. Like he has the eyes of a shark.

Like, literally. Yeah, in his mouth. And, yeah, like he's had all these computer parts grafted to his face. Yeah, exactly. And he has joysticks for hands. He's the most interesting man in the world. Yeah, that's true. He's the most interesting man in the world Yeah, that's true, he's pretty interesting

And you see him drinking a Dos Equis But he's just fumbling with it Because he's got those joystick hands Yeah, and if he drinks Dos Equis His eyes turn bright purple Like neon purple, and they flash He's one of those robots From the 80s that brings you your drink

Yeah, it's a Dos Equis And I spilled it He would be the most interesting man in the world like a robot that used to work for joe montana you cannot for the life of you pronounce this guy's name right joel montana joe mountiana frank montana uh yeah why do i have this because i I'm thinking of Joel Matlin from... Alarm Force?

Yeah, local security company. Or national security company? I don't know. They have the best commercials, though. Yeah. He called 1-800-267... Sing it. Called 1-800-267-2001.

Alarm for... Steve just spat on himself. It was great. Spilled a bunch of coffee. So yeah, guys out there, give it a rest. Wrap it up. Yeah, wrap it up. Put on a shoe.

Put on a hose. No foot glove, no foot love. Yeah. Well, I guess if that's the alternative... Well, I'm fine with it. If those weird foot shoes are the alternative to wearing flip-flops, then I'm on board. Top ten foot shoes. Top ten of those toe shoes.

I saw ones. I've seen the boots. What? Yeah. Like they go, what? Explain. I need to. Like they're like a gum boot, but with toes?

No, they're like those toe shoes. Do they make steel toe versions of it? Oh, that would be radical. For people who barefoot run to the work site. They come up... They're just regular, except that they come up to your like high calf right below your knee uh i've seen ones that are like covered in uh fuzz to look like um your big foot oh that's kind of fun yeah yeah yeah yeah that's not that's uh when you said covered in fuzz i thought it was going to be a lot grosser

oh yeah well the fuzz is made up of the hair from a top above a guy's butt. That butt tough. That is worth the worse than feet. As far as I'm concerned. I, if I see that it is like appetite gone and I was hungry. Yeah. I was going to eat a whole pound of tough. Oh, imagine if you were one of those guys who,

uh, eat sushi off a lady, but, but instead of a lady, it was a guy and he had one of those guys who eats sushi off a lady. But instead of a lady, it was a guy, and he had one of those butt tucks. I wouldn't eat that sushi. Yeah, it's like when you started your software company, things were really great. You were eating sushi off a lady once a week. But then Texas Instruments came along. Yeah, and your quarterly reports have not been good.

So you've got to eat sushi off this butt-tufted guy and drink miso out of his various haunches and paunches. Oh, gross. Haunches and paunches. Oh, man. Well, should we take a break for a bit of business? Yeah.

Take care of business. That music, of course, means it is time for a bit of business. A couple of sponsors this week. Support for Stop Podcasting Yourself this week comes from Audible.com, provider of digital audiobooks and more. They got more than 100,000 downloadable titles, including fiction, nonfiction, periodicals. downloadable titles including fiction, non-fiction, periodicals. And they said to us that spy listeners might like a new book by comedian D.C. Pearson called Crap Kingdom. And I like the title.

If I could judge a book by its cover, then I'd say that's the one for you. That's less than a cover. It's just a title. And you know what? It got a big guffaw. For a free audio book of your choice, you could choose that one. You could choose another one. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Did we mention they have 100,000? Yeah, we did. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a name of a book. Moby Dick they probably have. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like funny names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like doing a spit take in the bookstore.

Yeah. Anything with crap dick or balls. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a famous book with the word balls in it. Oh, for whom the balls toll. Oh, there you go. Thank you. For a free audiobook of your choice and a free 30-day trial membership, go to audiblepodcast.com slash spy.

That is audiblepodcast.com slash spy. Another sponsor this week. Yeah, we got two. And this next one is from extremerestraints.com, which I thought was a mountain climbing equipment website. But it's not. It's for sexual products. All from head to toe and ass to taint. You'll find it all at Extreme Restraints. Pretty good, eh?

Here's what their deal is. They supported us during the MaxFunDrive. Sent you guys all your sex packages. Yeah, yeah. A mask and a thing of a massager and a lube. And a salad dressing. A mask and a thing of a massager and a lube.

Yes. And a salad dressing. They've got little couple dollar things like that all the way up to, you know, your big time thousand dollar fuck machines. Dave, I never want to hear you say that phrase again. And like if there was a, I mean, Graham and I know this. We're big time sex guys from way back. We're real hot tub guys. If there was like a sex gymnasium where you could use their fuck machines, then this wouldn't even be an option.

Oh, sure. Absolutely. It wouldn't even be an issue. But those things don't exist. So you need your own. If they have the parallel bars and the unparalleled bars. Absolutely. It wouldn't even be an issue. But those things don't exist. So you need your own. If they have the parallel bars and the unparalleled bars. Exactly. Head over to extremerestraints.com.

Browse. They're very discreet about sending stuff. Brown packages. Although if you buy a big sex machine, if it comes in a brown package, people are still going to know what's up, right? You're not going to be able to say, like, I got a mini bar fridge. Like, what would be that size? And coming in a discreet package. Anything.

But they sent us some products and the great thing about this is so discreet, even like, we live in Canada, everything I ever have sent to me, it has a customs form that says what's on it. Yeah, yeah. These guys managed to get around that and and there was nothing... My mailman wasn't looking at me

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ExtremeRestraints.com. Check it out. Do you want to move on to some overheards? I do. Overheard. Now it's time for overheards. Overheards. Here's what these things are.

They're the things that you hear with your ears, you see with your eyes, you dream with your dream. You dream with your cortexes. Now, Dave, shut up. Oh, I don't have any Hulk Hogan news for this week. That's great. This has been Hulk Hogan news. I believe we have a theme song. Yep.

Nope. The Overheards. Every week, we go out, we take our ears, we take our eyes, we take stock of our lives, and the result is overheards. Now, these are things that I guess I'm waiting for you to re-interrupt me, but there's no point. Hey, Dave, shut up. You start the overheards. Okay. This week, my overheard takes place in a little place that I like to call the liquor store. Okay. The liquor bar. And so I was in the liquor store walking around, doing my rounds, checking prices.

You were comparing how much does this instantly mixed shot cost? Yeah, what's an instantly mixed shot? You know those ones that it's like half an alcohol and then half like a blue, I think like a shower gel? No. And then like you just like turn them over like kind of like a salad dressing. And then you can have some kind of weird shot that you would get at a bar. They sell them at the liquor store up by the cash register usually.

Oh, okay. No, I've never paid for liquor. You know, I just go. You just go and flirt with him. Yeah, yeah. I look sexy. You just go to the tables where a guy's winning big. Blow on his dice for him.

Yeah. Here, let me put those down my pants for you. That's a great way to win at craps. As you put dice down your pants. And you pull out different special dice. You pull out dice that has only sixes on them? Yeah. Because you want to get a 12.

That's the best thing you can get in craps. And the security camera's like, when did he switch the dice? Was it in his pants? No, couldn't be. No one would be that depraved. I was in the liquor store and there were two women in their

early 20s and one of them was just a piece of garbage. Like one of them was they were friends but one sort of had her life more together and the other one was kind of do you think that they were friends like since they were kids and she's kind of like holding on to this like friendship like hey i'm evolving and you're not as much but i hope we can still be friends yeah or maybe they were like college friends or like she was a uh

there were members of the same group of friends But they didn't really get along that great and then they wound up together at this in this one situation Oh like oh, yeah all the friends that they both like are absent. They're like oh All the people they really know like oh, you're you're actually for People separated. Yeah, now we're hanging out. Yeah by accident Yeah, it's like I'm'm going to the liquor store. Does anybody want to come? And she's like, I will.

And you're like, oh, shit. I'm so hoping Brad would. I've had my eye on him for years. And so this one who was sort of more together was with this less together one. And what visually were the cues of her lack of togetherness? She was mopey and kind of... It was mostly what the together one was saying. Okay.

And the responses that she was getting were monosyllabic moans. And so one of the questions she asked that I overheard was, what about non-vanilla vodka? And then I wandered around a bit and then I came back and I heard the Together one say, I think tequila is a bad idea for you tonight.

And on that same theme every night. Maybe no more tequila? They're on a vanilla vodka. Well, what about non-vanilla vodka? No. Yeah, why don't we just pick up some vodka, go to the grocery store, pick up some vanilla. And make my famous vodka scones. Maybe she's trying to wean her friend off of drinking straight vanilla into drinking regular alcohol like normal people

oh you can get really messed up on just straight vanilla yeah yeah i remember that from an episode of um family ties starring tom hanks yeah as the cousin yeah and he would he drank vanilla extract yeah did it is that real yeah oh there's no alcohol in vanilla extract, is there? There used to be. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. It used to be like enough of a percentage that it was like a thing kids knew. Like when the parents went out, drink all the vanilla extract to get drunk. Yeah. Stay away from that peppermint extract. Oh, mix them together.

I used to love that stuff. Not on its own. I would put it in milkshakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was at a house party a couple weeks ago, and somebody made milkshakes just like impromptu using a creme de menthe. All those creme-das. Yeah. The creme de cacao, your creme de banana. It was great for one sip. They're great for milkshakes.

And then two sips was too. Too much? It's really minty. Like it's, you know, you get a shamrock shake. to banana it was great for one sip they're great for milkshakes and then two sips was too too much ah it's really minty like it's you know you get a shamrock shake it's just like it's barely any mint there it's just like a little green dye mixed in you're like that's the perfect amount of mint and this was too much yeah that was my first like when i started going to, like, bars, I would order a grasshopper, which is creme de menthe, creme de cacao, ice, and cream. Oh, gross! Because I didn't like the taste of grown-up drinks. I wanted this thing that tasted like an after-eight.

Yeah, does it come with an after-eight in it so you can stir it? Oh, I wish. Did you see some 80-year-old woman across the bar and she holds up the same drink? She's like, uh-huh. We're both having a snack. One of these and straight to bed. Yeah. Oh, man.

Now, do you have an overheard? Mine is. Yeah, mine is kind of. It happened to me. This is something that I was involved. Yeah, you're the victim. Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

Always playing the victim card. Yeah, that's the victim card. Yeah. That's the only card game I know. Victim and race. I sometimes work at a video store. I mean, you go every day, but you usually just slack off. Yeah. I like to hang out. I'm kind of like clerks that way.

And a lot of times. A lot of hockey on the roof yep uh i assure you we're open etc um a lot of times on saturdays uh parent will come in with like a whole gaggle of kids right like their kids plus a friend plus a goose's kid yeah yeah plus ryan gosling's kids and um kids they just go just go bananas in the store. They're looking at all the videos. Do you have any kids' movies? We have this Harmony Corrine one.

Yeah, this kid's wearing a rabbit costume. I think that's Donnie Darko, I think, is about the Easter Bunny. Anyways, this little kid, his parents were like at the other end of the store and the kid came up with a video and put it down on the desk and i i just said like oh okay i'll grab that video for you uh i need your card do you have a card and he like very quietly like nodded his head yes and then slowly raised up his hand and had a toy car in his hand. It was the cutest. I need your car.

Yeah. Do you have a car? Is this how growing up life works? All right. Yep. Here's my car. I'm going to need that back. Yeah.

That's the only car I have. I was going to run it up and down every surface I saw. So I thought that was pretty cute. I was going to run it up and down every surface I saw. So I thought that was pretty cute. I was going to say the darndest. I was going to see if the suspension could handle corduroy. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from around the world. But I want to say. I want.

I want to. sent into us from around the world but i want to say i want i want to um we get emails if you want to send them into us it's a spy at maximum fun.org but when i was looking to look up the emails i got an email from a lady that i'm not related to about going to a family reunion cookout oh are you gonna go going to go? Oh, yeah, probably. It says, this is the opening of it. It's from Lisa. It says, hi from cousin Lisa. I don't have a cousin Lisa.

Are you sure this isn't spam? Yeah, no, because it's got her address and her phone number. Oh, where does she live? Saskatchewan, Kindersley. And Lisa's saying, hello, hope you're doing well well, all okay here I have a spring chest cold, so I'm happier than normal I don't get it

is she like so miserable that she has a chest cold she's like, no, I have like clinical depression well this has made it great because I'm on this codeine I don't think you should be reading this song anyways, I just wanted you to know That I'm making a cookbook for the next family reunion

Send me your recipes Send the recipes And then there's an address So if you send this to us I'll forward any of your recipes To Lisa Send us your recipes And I'll pick my favorite Send it to Lisa. Yeah. Oh yeah. Send us your recipes. Yeah. And I'll pick,

I'll pick my favorite, send it to Lisa and Kindersley and we'll see if it makes the family. Yeah. If you've got anything that's good for a chest cold, it might to the top of the pie. Yeah. Chicken soup. For the cold.

Yeah. Literal chicken soup for the cold. For the chest. Chicken soup for the man on the go. That's just chicken soup in a Ziploc bag. It's a water balloon full of piping hot chicken soup. Whip it in my mouth. So, yeah, these are overheards that have been sent to us from, you know, all over, all over the world.

Sent to us from, you know, all over, all over the world. This first one comes to us from... Sorry. Stalling. Do you want me to stall for you? Yeah, please. Okay. Well, are you done yet? Found it?

Have you found it? Found it. Okay. This first one comes from Ashley in St. Louis, Missouri. Ah. Nothing could be. You ain't no in hurry. You're not in a hurry when you're hanging in Missouri.

Right? State motto. No? Dave, don't leave me hanging out here. Do you have a better one? Gateway to the West. There you go. the west there you go um i am uh snowed in at a hotel today and for whatever reason watching my big fat american gypsy wedding seemed like a good idea one of the gypsy girls had her fortune read

at a booth with a fake guy and a crystal ball wait was the guy fake but yeah like one of those robot oh from big yeah she commented that the guy inside looked like Bin Laden. Later, as she gets trashed in Atlantic City, the narrator says, matter of factly, it's a chance to prove her family and Osama wrong. Hey, he probably said you're going to get drunk. Yeah. You're going to get blackout drunk. What? You're always taking Osama Bin Laden's side.

You're always taking Robo Osama Bin Laden fortune teller's side. Have you ever done one of them fortune tellers? Feller? Hey there, little Feller. I did a thing at like, there was like a psychic convention once in Vancouver. Psychon. And it was like, you put in your, I think you had to put like your hand on a thing or whatever.

And then it gave you like a digital, like pages and pages of this like, these are the important colors for you. And this is the important time of day to do whatever. To look at colors. Yeah. This is a good time to have lunch. What are the important colors for you? For me, it's the greens of summer.

Mine are just, you know, browns, beiges. Sure. Beiges and browns. Ert tones. Yeah. I noticed that downtown there's a guy who now has, he's permanently set up at Robson and Howe At the corner there with palm reading

Oh really? And I actually saw someone getting their palm read yesterday And it was a woman and her boyfriend was there with an iPhone Because that's You're going to want to document that Yeah I I don't know I'm scared of going to a palm reader i don't want people touching my hands oh i'm fine with that i want them i want a lot of people can i

wear gloves um yeah like oh do they do foot readings is that why everybody's all those dumb guys wearing flip-flops um here's uh this this overheard's fun because it's from ian in edinburgh scotland and there's all sorts of lingo in here which is great lots of scottish lingo oh This overheard's fun because it's from Ian in Edinburgh, Scotland. And there's all sorts of lingo in here, which is great. Lots of Scottish lingo. Oh, yeah. Crikey. I have an overheard from about a week ago.

The football, in brackets, soccer, was on. And it was a local derby. So the buses were full of people heading to the match. Great. Great so far. Quaint as fuck. Right at the front of the upper deck were a mom and dad and their two highly excited kids, both primary school age, probably between five and seven years old. Kid one was sitting next to his mom on the right hand side of the bus while kid two sat next to his dad, weathered-looking guy on the left.

Kid 1 was singing the song, You Cannot Shove Your Granny. Chart topper. When he suddenly changed the lyrics to be about his auntie instead. Kid 1 singing, You Cannot Shove Your Granny Off a Bus. Mom interjecting, No, you can't. She's delicate and vegetarian and a pacifist kid too what's a pacifist dad oh it's really stupid it means you never get to hit anyone oh man it is yeah that overheard just had so much stuff in it yeah can i shove your granny off a bus is a song in Scotland.

On their way to a derby. Yeah. On a double-decker bus, no less. Did he say he was double-decker? Yeah, he said he was up on the top deck. A DDB? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Down with Webster.

Down with Webster. Down with Webster. Down with Webster. Isn't that an advertising firm? Yeah, Doyle Daisy. Derf, der daisy derf david derf doyle and daisy um and finally from uh from the uh listeners in the uh email come on this this is from tyson tyson e last night i was at a local nightclub seeing 90s Canadian rock band

The Odds I was standing with a group of friends near the stage watching the concert but kept getting distracted by a drunk girl texting in front of me eventually I looked over her shoulder to see what was so important that she needed to text through the entire show and boy was I surprised

all i saw was a dick pic and the caption dis in you tomorrow pretty great right he's a heterosexual man that's right uh the problem with his plan um isn't that it? I think it was a gland. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, man, that lyric's really good. Yeah. That's a classic odds hit.

This in you tomorrow. I missed out. You missed out on Dick Pick Texan? This culture, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, absolutely. You're a single guy. You're a swingle. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, absolutely. You're a single guy. You're a swingle.

Yeah, but I mean, there's not a lot of call for me to send my genitals via text. Sure. In my day, we had to fax them. Yeah, you had to make sure that somebody was home, that their parents weren't on the phone. Yeah. Plug your fax machine in. Yeah. Plug your fax machine in. Don't make any calls for the next hour. Yeah. Plug your fax machine in. Yeah. Plug your fax machine in.

Don't make any calls for the next hour. Yeah. I'm faxing over. It's a pretty, it's kind of hard to make out. Yeah. I had to squeeze it onto a Xerox screen. It looks really gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It kind of looks like a pile of tripe. Anyway, dissing you tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind of looks like a pile of tripe. Anyway, dissing you tomorrow. Oh, man. And you'll be all like... In addition to overheard... Something came for you. Is this coming for you tomorrow? Yeah.

Let me just check the cover sheet. Yeah, everything seems to be in order. The cover sheet. Oh, man. Good stuff. In addition to overhands that are written in, we also accept your phone calls and faxes. We actually do

accept faxes at this same number. Is that right? Yeah. I don't think we've ever received one. Oh, it's very funny, though. The idea of a cover sheet on a text. To. From. Regarding. Yeah. If you would like to call us or fax us,

our phone number slash fax number is 206-339- 8328. Press 1 to send a fax. Hey, guys. Just had the best overheard of my life. My office door is open because it's sort of a nice day and two guys who work

in, I don't know where they work, it's in the same complex clearly because they walk by from time to time. They walked by having a conversation and all I caught was one guy saying, oh man, I'll have to send you the link to the video if I can find it. And the other guy responded, oh yeah, that'd be great. I know there was a video of him doing the same thing when he wasn't dying.

Michael Jackson? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Kelsey Grammer? Okay, Kelsey Grammer. Falling off stage? Yeah, and this is a clip of him falling out of a plane. Kelsey Grammer is still with us as of the recording of this podcast.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Have you been to the mystical Osama bin Laden told me to expect Kelsey Grammer to die in my near future. Mine told me to get blackout drunk in Atlanta. Atlantic City. No, no, no.

Mine said Atlanta. Oh, okay. Hotlanta. Oh, is that right? Same place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do they call it Hotlantic City? Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. The Hotlantic Ocean? I read the Hotlantic. Yeah. I know it's a little pretentious but i read the hotlantic oh we're we're great yeah uh i don't know what that overheard was about someone someone someone a video of someone doing something while dying yeah getting hit in the groin

to death oh what a way to go uh yeah well i mean I mean, if you've got to go and somebody's filming it for Tosh.0, that's probably the way. Either that or having a hippo sit on your head. You know? Oh, that would hurt. Yeah. That would kill you. Yeah, yeah. But there wouldn't be a video of you doing that while not dying.

That's true. Unless you were wearing a motorcycle helmet maybe that would have i guess we're not meant to know yeah you think in this era that there you know you'd have more access to that but there you go okay here's your next phone call hi this is hardcore chris i was just driving down the road near a university in a pretty nice suburban area. I saw a guy jogging in a red jersey. At first I thought he had no arms, but actually he had his hands close to his chest. His right hand was making a W with his fingers,

and the left hand was flipping the bird. Oh, man. I want to hear more from Hardcore Chris. Hi, Hardcore Chris. I'm Dave. I'm just regular Graham. What makes him hardcore, do you think? I don't know.

That was a phone call from a phone that hangs up. Oh, yeah. So that was either a pay phone. That's hardcore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's got a real phone. He probably beats people with it. Hardcore Chris, if you're listening to this, we need to know more about you.

Yeah. Call us back and say, I'm Hardcore Chris. I approve this message. Yeah. And tell us the top five things that make you hardcore. Oh, boy. That's going to be a long phone call. I'm fine.

Write it out, condense it, and then call us in. Top five things in, like, five-word sentences. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I eat a lot of porridge. Yeah, I could eat a nail. Yeah. I did this morning, and I'm still alive. I once punched a hole through a piece of granite.

Yeah, I killed Dodi Fayed, but not Princess Di. Oh, is Dodi Fayed? Did he die as well? Yeah, he died first. He didn't get a lot of press. He was the Greedo of that situation. What's Greedo? He shot first.

Oh. Well, hand shot first. Here's your next phone call. Yikes. Yikes. Yeah, I have an overheard. This is Lucas from Chicago. I was riding the bus the other day, and it was just me and another woman on the bus.

It was like the bus that came right after the bus in front of it, so it was completely empty. And the bus driver, he kind of slows down a little bit down this one street, and he sees a guy in a parking lot, and he stops and he opens the bus door, and then he yells, hey, TJ! And the guy turns and he goes hey man i'm driving a bus and i thought that was pretty great remember when you said i never would yeah wrong again buddy wow that's kind of cool i wonder what tj's up to oh observing yeah reporting Live from the corner, I'm TJ.

Yeah. With Kids News. My friend's a bus driver. You think he has a podcast? TJ? Yeah. Kids News? Yeah.

Yeah, TJ's Kids News. TJ's Kids News. Oh, yeah, we lose to them in the ratings every week. Yeah. Well, because they have all the coolest coverage of where pandas are showing up. Pandemoniums. Pandemoniums. Sure.

They've got all the cool indoor rock climbing news. Is that what kids' news is? Yeah. What else do kids talk about? Oh, boy. Geopolitical situations in North Korea. Meeting your hero. Oh, yeah, yeah.

This week we talked to- Phil Collins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This week we talked to... Phil Collins. Yeah, Criss Angel. Yeah. Two of kids, modern day kids, top two heroes. Yeah. In no particular order. Number two, Phil Collins.

Number one, Criss Angel. Oh, no particular order? Great. Yeah. Yeah, those could be switched. What do you think... Oh, kids like Batman. They probably... What's the newest? Batman news? Oh, yeah. what do you think oh kids like Batman they probably

what's the newest Batman news oh yeah and then also oh this week Batman got permission to die he finally got

permission to die everybody so now we're gonna watch that smokestack and when the bat signal comes out of it it means that a new Batman has been chosen

and the old one has been given permission to die. Batstack. So is that it? Is that the end of the show? That's the end of the show. Okay. All right. Since it's just the two of us.

Yeah. Castles. Sky. Et cetera. We thought maybe now we could whip out some drunk dials. I was a child. Didn't know what a phone was. Just kidding.

Never tasted liquor either. But one day when I grew up, put two and two together. Drunk dials. Telling my girlfriend to start her period. Drunk dials. Telling my friend he looks like a wolf man. Here's the thing. We don't do this very often because our shows... Usually go long. Yeah. I think this one's probably already gone long.

But we thought... We do accept your drunk dials. We've been getting fewer and fewer of them as we've been playing fewer and fewer of them. But if you are ever, this is a service we offer. If you are ever drunk and you feel like you need to call someone and tell them off or call an ex and drunkenly confess your regrets. Or sometimes some people are just gregarious fun drunks that they just want to talk to somebody and they're all by themselves. Oh, yeah. Gregarious fun drunk.

Yeah. Wasn't he like a like a, a Greek, a philosopher back in the day? Uh, close enough. Gregarious, fun drunk.

Um, so if you want to call us, well, no, if you ever, um, here's what we're, get up off your ass.

Yeah. Get a vanilla vodka. Right now, what you need to do is program this number into your phone in the case that you are ever drunk and feeling chatty.

These numbers in this order. Yeah, I cannot stress that enough. The number is 206-339-8328. Put that into your phone. Then, if you are ever a little bit tipsy and you want to call an ex or tell off your boss, don't do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call us. Call us. Like these people have. Yeah. Hello, stop. Pasta. You got it.

Close. That's all there is. I don't even know if he was drunk. No, no, no. But, you know, what did he say? You got it? Yeah. Yeah.

No, you got it. Yeah no you got it yeah stop pastas yeah guys we gotta stop pastas yeah you know what too much uh wheat belly right yeah stop pastas uh down with chef boyardee yeah up with quinoa yeah yeah quinoa quinoa what do we want quinoa when do we want it now uh now uh When do we want it? Now, uh... Now, uh... We should do a... Protest? Protest where we just do the what do we want, but we don't answer. What do we want?

Not sure yet. When do we want it? Undetermined. But just everyone gets together on the what do we want, and no one responds. Anyway, next phone call. Hey, David Graham. Hey, David Graham. want and no one no one responds anyway uh next phone call hey david graham hey david graham it's a drunk dial and i wrote it for you i like a show it is really funny and you should come back to tomorrow sometime Sounds like you got wind.

You think that he was on an elliptical? It sounded like he was very out of breath. Yeah. He's like, I only got enough to do the two verses of the song. I'm going to pass right out. Again, not sure that guy was drunk. Yeah. Pretty sure, though. Yeah.

He said come back to Terminalonto oh yes absolutely that's a place yeah we'll go back there one day yeah well i don't know if we're gonna hang out with that guy well maybe if he's drunk enough yeah if we're drunk um anyways good song yeah keep it up easy to dance to all right aren't you glad you didn. Aren't you glad you didn't say banana? But aren't you glad you didn't call someone important with that? Yeah, right? Ugh, if you called your boss. Here's a song I wrote for you.

You're my boss. I do not like you. Give me a raise. Good night. I've been stealing staplers. Yeah. And I think your wife is hot. Also, your daughter's hot. I've looked at herplers. Yeah. And I think your wife is hot. Also, your daughter is hot.

I've looked at her photo online. Ooh. Yeah. That is a song to Wayne Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky is your boss. You're working at Wayne Gretzky's in Toronto. Uh-huh. He's the line cook.

He's there doing the books. You're a line cook. He's the head chef. Every night, Wayne Gretzky comes in. He's exhausted. He's been doing the books. You're a line cook. He's the head chef. Every night, Wayne Gretzky comes in. He's exhausted. He's been doing the books all night. Then he's got to make a chicken cacciatore. He's got this stop pasta protest out front.

He's been cooking the books. Now he's got to cook whatever they serve there. Sliders? Yeah. Pucks? Yeah. I guess they would call them pucks right um but the wolfgang puck uh sends them a cease and desist you can't call them pucks that's what i call everything in my restaurant

you just had a puck moment and then he gets sued by kodak when you order a wolfgang pucks restaurant you're like i'll have the deep fried pucks with puck sauce and a side of pucks the waiters gotta try and figure out which one you meant. Yeah, because Wolfgang Puck speaks only in the smurf equivalent of puck. Yeah, every puck is just like a word that just encompasses so many things. Oh, it's pucktastic. Have a good puck. Have a puck puck.

Here's your next drunko. Hey, how's it going? It's Top Hockey. Here's your next drunko. Hey, how's it going? Stop talking to yourself. Guess what? It is midnight for 2.14 in the morning. Is it 2.14? Oh, my God. 2.14, yo.

You're at the bar. That's cool. I know, right? It's gross. On the East Coast, happy New Year. If you're someplace in Canada, that sounds gay. The East Coast is the best place. Wherever you are, you're not in Western Massachusetts. The best place ever. new year in Canada that sounds gay wherever you are you're

not in Western Massachusetts that's possible anyway nobody wants to be anywhere else nobody

ever wants to be anywhere one second okay anyway I love you in video games bye

what what was what was the the what was she saying? She said, if you're not in Worcester, Massachusetts, why would anyone want to be anywhere else? And he was like, one second, okay?

Honey, this is one of these things that we don't... It's not together time. This is my thing. This is one of my things. I don't want to end up on drug dials. This is supposed to be an overheard. Yeah. I'm trying to call the hospital. Worcester Mass, that's where

it's at. Happy New Year! 9-1-1, what's your emergency? Happy New Year's, 9-1-1! Will this ambulance be coming from Worcester? Because if not, I don't want any part of it. No weak ambulances. I wonder what's in

I wonder what their claim to fame is. Probably some sort of I'm thinking along the lines of a sausage, a worst, some sort of German heritage if it's Worcester. Maybe they have a good Oktoberfest. I don't know if it's Worcester. I think it's Worcester.

It might be Worcester sauce. Oh, yeah, yeah. Brown sauce. Right. Yeah. But I think that might be British. Brown sauce is good on pucks, pucks, and also fried pucks. Oh, okay.

Puck sauce. Here's another drunk dial. Hello, this is a drunk dial. This is Sarah from Chicago. And my parents aren't coming for Christmas. It's really sad. But that's okay. Because you know what, guys?

I'm going to have a bunch of babies. And I'm going to fucking be there for Christmas every year. When they grow up, I'm going to go to their house, come over for Christmas, eat all of their delicious food, and I'm just going to be the best fucking mother ever. So I've decided.

Lots of babies. I got a husband, so it's nice and legal when I have a bunch of babies. I'm going to be the best mom ever. Merry Christmas to you and Happy Hanukkah and may all your dreams

come true we gotta keep this nice and legal we're having lots of babies let's make sure there's a husband in the picture gotta keep this above board we don't want John Q. Law getting involved with our family Christmas

I like that she We're going to keep this above board. Yeah, we don't want John Q. Law getting involved with our family Christmas. I like that she, in her projection of the future, she has a bunch of babies. They grow up. They all live together. Yeah, she visits them in their big, in their giant crib. Their communal crib. And they know how to make food. These are babies that grow up enough to make dinner or order in a dinner. Yeah, that's generally how it goes.

Otherwise, they starve. But she's going to have to go to a bunch of different houses in probably a bunch of different states. Oh, she's going to have four Christmases. Oh, boy. Was that Reese? Reese and Vince. They really are Laurel and Hardy, aren't they? She had to stand on so many

boxes. Oh yeah. Imagine all the Apple boxes. They single-handedly kept the Apple industry alive in that movie because of their height difference. Is the Apple industry that makes the boxes? No, no, no.

But you can't get the boxes without buying the apples. That's right. Yeah. So the film industry every year buys all these apple boxes, dumps the apples in a river. I mean, some go to craft services. Yeah. Only a few, though. Yeah.

There's only so many apples. Who's going to eat an apple? They just have to buy a landfill just for apples. And then these apple boxes. Yeah. Ah, I didn't know that that makes sense that's why uh uh hollywood is surrounded it's like right around apple county ah that's true and all those apple groves the ac that's what they call it yeah um it's clearly we have not done this segment in a while because we just had a New Year's one and then a Christmas one. Oh, and also a wish for our wishes to come true. Yeah.

Yeah. Wish fulfillment. Oh, man. I wish I had wished for more wishes. Do you have any wishes? Like if someone says, I hope your wishes come true. I wish that that lady has all the babies she wants. Yeah.

I like that that's her solution. I'm just going to have a shitload of babies. I'm just going to have them. Yeah. Legally. This is all nice and legal. I've done the research. This is all on paper.

I'm going to have a cop stationed with us in our bedroom to photograph it. For legal purposes. Yeah, because I want to do it in a downtown street. I want to keep it for legal purposes. Yeah, because I want to do it in a downtown street. I want to keep it nice and legal. There's going to be a notary public there. There's going to be a cop

to stop traffic. Yeah. Notary public. He's going to put a seal on my butt. Yeah. Oh, yeah. To make it official. Yeah.

I'm going to have a Jostens photographer. Sure. We're going to wear a cap and gown. We're going to keep this all official. All of our board. We understand law. I'm going to have a judge, a jury, and an executioner.

The holy trinity of law. Yep. All right. Yep. Here's a, I think this is the last one. Okay. This is going to be great. Enjoy it.

Hey, Dave and Graham. This is a Nick in Worcester, Massachusetts. This is a drunk Dallas. Rather than understand it. The girl, like totally came on to me.

Like a month, two months ago or something. We've been, we've been, we've been together for a while and like nothing's been a problem. Now we're like out of the bar and she wants me to try to pick her up. I'm just not down

and like it feels like I'm blowing it. I feel like I'm blowing it. I don't know what to do about that. I'm sorry guys. Anyway, thanks for the show. Whoa. Just

don't get a lie to her. What is happening? We work. We work together, but I don't know. Anyway, I love you. I love you too, buddy. Well, I'm not sure I understood at all what was going on.

Was that the same guy from Worcester, Massachusetts? Yeah, but according to the date of the file, it was a month before that other call. Oh, so maybe. So maybe he didn't blow it. He just went over with that loud mouth. I'm talking on the phone here that's kind of like it's kind of like that first phone call was like we really got to know the characters and then that last i was like yeah that was a prequel yeah that was cool i guess um but i didn't understand i did not she wanted me to hit on her? And I was like, oh, is this a couple that's doing one of those weird things?

Role playing? Yeah. Act like you don't know me. You're a spy, and I'm a furnace salesman. I need to hide some microfilm in a furnace. Yeah, you're a person who's just moved into town, and I have a futon for sale on Craigslist. Sure. And we're meeting to see if I like the futon.

I'm me, but you're a spaceman. I'm the Incredible Hulk, but you're Zeus. These are great. Yeah, great role plays. If anyone wants to borrow our role plays. Oh, yeah, please. If you need to borrow our role plays. Oh, yeah, please. If you need to spice up your sex life or Comic-Con life. Yeah, I guess those ones were free.

The next few are going to cost you. Yeah, and just as a preview of some of the things we've got, we've got one involving a detective. We've got one involving a Swiffer. We've got one involving Botticelli's The Birth of Venus. We've got another one that involves that Gap commercial where it's all white in the background and they swing dance. What else do we have? We've got one with two young podcasters. That's all I'll say.

Oh, not those kids from Kid News. No, TJ's Kid News. TJ. And the other one. The bus driver. Well, Dave. Time. It is time.

Time. Say goodbye to you. say goodbye to you to you Joe Pesci the Joe Pesci album

Dave it's been a lot of fun thanks for letting me come over to your house and hang out you're welcome do you have anything you want to plug? no I do want to plug? No. I do want to say thanks to those of you who donated to the Max Fun Drive.

You complete us. You are winds beneath wings. Yeah, yeah. And it's just great. It's great to be a part of the Max Fun Drive. It does make us feel very great. And we hope you enjoy the feeling of supporting the show. It's like when you have a deliciously prepared puck stew with puck sauce. I'm allergic to puck.

Oh, are you? Can I substitute the puck for puck? Absolutely. I will talk to the puck. Oh, sorry. No puckstutions. If you like the podcast, you should – Anything you need to puck?

I will be performing at Wolfgang Puck's. Oh. Yeah, all throughout – In the airport? Wolfgang Puck's Express? Yeah, yeah. So you'll be able to see me as you pick up your $18 pizza. Your chicken pizza?

What do I have to plug? This episode will come out around about the 15th, I think. Yeah. Nothing particular. But I will say that you should go over to MaximumFunDog.org and check out the blog recap that comes along with each and every episode of the show. You know, pictures and videos. Sure.

Kodachrome by Paul Simon, I'm sure, will be featured. Probably a picture of Wolfgang Puck, I'm hoping. Okay. Did we mention him? Oh, yeah. We mentioned Chicken Pizza, which is synonymous with Wolfgang Puck. Was he the first person to make an entire pizza out of chicken?

Yeah. Gross. The soup to nuts. Yeah. Chicken and chicken and chicken and chicken. With chicken. Leave the chicken on the side. Yeah.

Puck, chicken, et cetera. If you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at MaximumFun.org or 206-339-8328. And if you like the show, tell your friends why don't you. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting. Oh! yeah. Yeah. Revolutionary.

Revolutionary? Oh, that's Jim Belushi's website. Yeah, Jim Belushi's anti-government website. Revolutionary. Let's start a Revolutionary. So you say you want a Revolutionary-baloo-shy-nick. Oh, this is all really good stuff. Yeah, this will go in the end.