Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 269 - Damonde Tschritter

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

Comedian Damonde Tschritter returns to talk trucking, barbecue, and penguins.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 269 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's got a great big convoy trucking through the night. He's got a great big convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

There you go. Convoy. Yeah. Did you think that you didn't know the lyrics? Every week your introduction of me baffles me also your name is dave shumka hi hi how's it going um why why this week i don't know i think i heard it on uh on a music streaming service and it's just been in my head oh sure yeah convoy.com yeah there was, I don't know. One boy music dot radio. Yeah, Trucker Radio 10-4. And our guest today, return guest, very funny comedian and screenwriter here in Vancouver, Mr. Damon Schritter.

Hello, guys. Welcome back. The improvements are fantastic. I really enjoy the new setup here. Well, thanks for coming back, man. Yeah. It's been a long time. You were couches ago. Yeah.

That's true. It was totally different. We were young back then. Were we ever so young? No. I'm the guy driving. I realize I got Led Zeppelin playing in my car. I'm just that guy on a sunny day.

Yeah. Doesn't know I'm still listening. I'm like, I just kind of rocking out at a stoplight. And I'm like, oh, man. People looking at me like, oh, look at that. You let it go. And it's not even from my generation, it's from before. Yeah, that's an interesting.

Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. Because classic rock hasn't really, like it kind of was from one period and then they kind of have added on extra bits. Yeah, you'll occasionally hear like a Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like that two decades and that's, or not even, like maybe one decade, kind of 67. Yes.

Yeah. I think that's the cutoff here between oldies and classic rock. Yeah. Like how do, how do like Buddy Holly's ghost feel about that? He's in the oldies pile for sure, right? But it's like after the Beatles, Sgt. Peppers or whatever, and then everything before that was a bunch of, you know, Dick Clark was introducing you. And then that's right. And then it probably got a little bit trippier.

And then when's the cutoff? Like 1980? Is that like the end of the classic? I don't know. I say Nirvana. Yeah, because even in Canada, because of CanCon, they'll play Canadian bands that like the Tragically Hip and 5440 that had careers well into the 90s. Yeah, that's true.

You know, it's like once in a while, because they have to play that Canadian content thing. So you hear some song that you thought was a classic when you were a kid growing up, like, oh, who did this? And you shazam it in your phone. It's like, we never heard of this, right? It's not on the world radar at all. You've never heard of switching to glide? Yeah.

I thought everybody knew, but I just not even known on the supercomputer world. Now, so this thing, this is the app where you like hold it up to music display. Yeah. And how long do you have to like record just like a couple seconds of it? 10 seconds. Yeah. Because all digital music has apparently has a signature that you can't hear.

It's like an inaudible code that is playing at all times. Whoa. That only whatever your computer can pick up. And that's also how they now, like the new rating system, they don't use the Nielsen boxes anymore. They use the people who are like Nielsen families now. They carry little recorders with them or little microphone things with them that pick up because it's not what you're watching. It's what you're exposed to.

Right. Right. Whoa. I also heard that the Weather Network always had like super high ratings because people would flick it on in the morning, you know, have their cereal breakfast or whatever. But it was reading is like, oh, they're sitting there watching the Weather Network. So they – I don't know how you – has anyone ever met an actual Nielsen? Somebody who's, my dad was one when you had to like write down a diary. Like you had to.

My family did it once. Yeah. And you could just lie. You could just say like, oh, it was all PBS all night long. Never. We're going to save this show. Yeah, exactly. It was before online campaigns. You could just tell people like, write down, save this show. Yeah, exactly. It was before online campaigns.

You could just tell people like, write down, save Mantis. Yeah, save Meet the Bunkers or whatever the spin-off of that was. Save Drexel's class. Oh, yeah. Well, Dave, are you one of those guys who knows every sort of song?

Is that why you tried them on Convoy to open? Like, you know the words to what's coming? Are you one of those sort of guys that just recalls lyrics and that? One of those kind of weird ticksics that just certain people can... Dave also has, he has like this pop culture brain. But I think I've only heard Convoy from an episode of The Simpsons. Yeah.

It's a weird song because I think in the early 70s, there was like this brief fascination with trucker culture. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Being a kid from the end of the century, there was a, just this flash of where everyone wanted to drive a rig when they grew up. That was what you wanted to be when you grew up rig driver,

right? Because the, the Smokey, the bandit had the rig going around and whatever. And then the, on TV, they had the BJ and the bear. So everyone just wanted to grow up,

get a monkey, drive a rig and fight crime from town to town. That's all you had to do. It was a show and people were hooked on it. Well, it's a lonely life. It is a lonely life. That's why you keep a monkey with you. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And you make sure he doesn't get into the back. The weird thing was it was sort of a culture that combined because I think monkeys are always kind of big or whatever. But the Clint Eastwood was riding around with an ape for a while. And he would tell him, yeah. And he'd be like, left turn, Clyde. And he'd lay guys out. The ape would throw a punch and knock out whoever was riding with them. So was it that people wanted to be truckers or did they just want to have an ape?

They wanted to be truckers, but everyone wanted a sidekick ape that could lay people out. Wasn't it Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top? He was a trucker. No, he was an ape. He had those long arms. He would do arm wrestling with his toes. But that was well after the – the Over the that was well after the, the over the top was well after the whole trucker thing.

I think it. But like, wasn't it also, what do you call it? CB radios? Like, wasn't that the thing? I think that might've been part of it. Cause people,

there was the kid like down the street had a CB in his dad's basement and he was allowed to use it to kind of talk to truckers. So were truckers talking to kids a lot? Like kids that had a CB radio? Was that mostly what truckers were doing? I don't know if that maybe really pissed truckers off and they tell them like clear the air or whatever or they just hand it to their monkey and let him chat to the kid for a while. We had a monkey. You talked to him, Clyde. Did Patrick Swayze do a monkey or a big rig movie?

He did. Road? Not. House? Roadhouse? Didn't have rigs. No. No, there was some.

There was one way later in his career. And he had crazy, I think he might have been the bad guy in it. And it was a late, early 2000s movie. And there's definitely one he was in. And there's yeah there's definitely one he was in and there's another one where I feel like Jeff Bridges

was in one where his wife gets kidnapped by a truck yeah there is I mean I guess that maximum overdrive

the one when all the trucks came to life oh that's right trying to kill Emilio Estevez that's when comets were big every time a comet

went by earth things went crazy yeah comet movies were coming out all over the place because of Haley That's when comets were big. Every time a comet went by Earth, things went crazy. Oh, right, yeah. It was like a phase two, right? That's right. Comet movies were coming out all over the place and causing trouble. But it was because of Halley. I guess it was – we just had some fear of like what a comet could just make – whatever you couldn't make sense of in a script. Just throw a comet in.

Yeah, yeah. That's true. You could do whatever you wanted. Right now you could do like everything is because of what? What would be the like comet of today's movies? Genetics? Something? No, I feel like genetics was – that was the early 2000s.

It was early 2000s. Yeah, where everyone was – that was when cloning came out. You mean terrorism? I guess terrorism. There's something in there. Because there's – yeah, like, oh, we got to do this because of – there's chatter. It's like chatter on the CDs. For a while, it was the government.

Everything that was going haywire, it was like the government was watching you. There was cameras everywhere. I think it's one of these things we can only tell when we look back. Yeah, that's true. We're in the phase right now. Hindsight. Yeah. Podcasting.

You just doing a podcasting thing. Yeah. We'll come back. Yeah, that was the time when you could blame everything on podcasts. The only real trucking thing going on right now is, I believe, Ice Road Truckers,

which is not a show I've seen. Also, The Rock was in a movie where he had to take revenge via truck. Yeah, I have not watched Ice Road Truckers, but I got to go on an ice road. Whoa, like a real... Yeah, Great Slave Lake, and it was about...

Where's that? Northern... It's up in northern Top of Cana, northwest territories, and it's... I only went on the one that the people are allowed to use, and it's probably 15 car... What's the one the apes are allowed to use? The apes? I guess the apes are on the trucker one, because the trucker one... That's right! We didn't go on the trucker one because the trucker one, we didn't go in

the trucker one, but that they, they ship a 50 ton trucks can drive across this ice thing. So we were out on it and it's kind of spooky. Like you can see, I don't know how thick the ice is, but you can look down. Did you, was this like, was that fun or just terrifying? No, it was actually pretty cool.

Like you're like, wow, you felt safe. Like, you know, it's not wobbling or anything. No, no. no like they have it like there's um but do you see fish under your feet no you can just it looks like really really thick glass like nine feet thick of glass like you feel like but you can see like darkness right you can see whatever color of lake is down below you know it's a long ways down and it's like what is what, what, like a truck makes the, like, how do you, how are you on it? Like, how is there a road? Something must grade it because there's piles of snow to the side and then it's all flat with a little bit of snow.

It looks like just a wintry road. Yeah. And some parts of it are absolutely bare where you can see ice. And in the summer it disappears. It's gone. Yeah. It's all level. But this was, man, this was only, this was like spring.

So this was maybe mid, so this was maybe mid-April, and it was still minus 27, and they got an ice road with 50 ton trucks. Fun, fun. And something else you do, I just don't know, they got a giant Japanese fuck camp up there. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? What? Okay, you really whispered it into our ears there.

Okay, I know what, okay, giant Japanese fuck camp. I know what a giant there. Okay, I know what... Giant Japanese fuck camp. I know what a giant is. Yeah, absolutely. So sumo wrestlers is what you're saying. Wait, no, I understand everything else. How giant are we talking? We're talking pretty big, 15,000. Like a Japanese

internment fuck camp. Yeah, we don't know. We get to the airport. So you're in the Yellowknife. And there's Japanese tourists all over. So you're like, well, this is weird. And then you found out that apparently in Japan, it's like a good luck thing if your child's conceived under the Northern Lights. But they have so much light radiation from the cities, they can't see the Northern Lights anymore.

So someone in the Yellowknife was like hey we got a clear view here so they got them 15,000 come over every winter and then they got this little

camp with these teepees banging in these lit heated teepees out down you gotta take the ice road

with a guy the ex-mayor drove us across the ice road and then we drove down into the camp and then a

bunch of people came out one guy had a rifle even you could sort of see it like you're not allowed in there like are you here to

fuck or what if you're not if you're not here to fuck gas gas or grass exactly every van has that sign of this this truck's a no rock and don't but put Japanese letters underneath it too, right? So, wow. So this is like a temporary setup or these are cabins or they're? No, it looked like a glowing lit giant sort of teepee or like a long, like it was sort of see-through. You could see them in the distance when the guy came at us. Private though. It's not like a big pile.

Yeah, you got to, like there's a gate. You're not supposed to be driving into the yard. Like it's actually. But like the couples have privacy. The couples, I think they all have their own sort of place. You're not supposed to be driving into the yard. Like, it's actually. But, like, the couples have privacy. The couples, I think they all have their own sort of place. You could see a few that were lit up. So I don't know if they're lit. Are they lit up like those Japanese.

Lanterns? Like a Japanese lantern? No, like those Japanese screens that, like, you would get changed behind all sexy. No, they were just. Well, you know what? People can probably find it online because when the next day, I don't know what the rules are. I'm sure everyone's Googled Japanese fuck camp. Look it up.

But there was these two, I was eating in like the regular restaurant and there's these two Japanese girls and one of them has like a pamphlet. And there's one of those glowing teepees on the front. It says something like, but it looks like just your pamphlet. Like, hey, if you're up north, drop by the fuck camp. Conceive a child. But now nobody was going up there and then discovering that that was an available service. No, they know that's like their main tourism thing is that the Japanese people fly from Japan to actually try and conceive a child there. That's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, and I don't know if it's all. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if it's. It's cold up here, too. 148. Oh, wow. So it's up there. I don't know.

Yeah. That's amazing. I was only there 24 hours. This is all the stuff I saw in 24 hours. I went over to my French-Japanese fuck camp, met the mayor. Oh, did you really meet the mayor? Does the fuck camp have its own mayor? The mayor drove us down

He's the guy who's like oh we're just looking for Ted Noseworthy He's making up some bullshit stories We're not supposed to be in there that's secret territory This mayor knows I don't know if he helped set up I don't know when this came about How did you meet the mayor though? He picked us up at the airport that's how important we were We were so important

We were there to do comedy at their big centennial hall So they dispatched the mayor to pick us up. Oh, I love it. We don't even really know what his accent is. It's like he's got like nine different accents. He sort of sounds like he's got the... You can kind of pick whatever accent you want up there and just, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm Scottish. We worked on him all

weekend and couldn't figure it out, right? Like, what is that? Like, it sort of sounds like Boston, then he's kind of like a Newfoundland, then sort of English-Scottish, like he's all... Yeah. Newfoundland, then sort of English, Scottish. Yeah. Hey, welcome to the Northwest Territories. Yeah, exactly what the beer sounds like. Vinnie Pomerino, hey. Hey, you want to get out of the city?

Hey, what do you say we go up to a camp and fuck some Japanese chicks, huh? That's what I do every Saturday. Play some stickball. Wow. Yeah. Did you see them northern lights we did yeah you could see them I guess well that's why he

oddly enough the best place to see him is at the Japanese fuck camp which is why I think they set up there so he drove us over to there to see him and it's just it really just looks like a big fuck camp stretch yeah the northern lights just sort of look like a big stripe of light going all the time.

Oh, overrated. Yeah, it wasn't like the super ones that you've seen in an encyclopedia where they're all glow. Like, I guess those nights happen, but there's always kind of like a bright sort of strip of white. It looks almost like a cloud. And so you're just kind of like, I mean, this is good. I mean, you know, I'm not going to say bad things about it in front of the mayor. But it's not fuck camp good. No, yeah, it was pretty cool, but the fuck camp was more interesting than

the Northern Lights. And that mayor got into office on the Northern Lights ticket. He was like, all Northern Lights all the time. If you vote me into office. Now, here's a thing about you, because it has been a while since you've been on the show, and we were talking about at one point you owned a boat.

I still do. On a yacht. A yacht. I own a 43-foot yacht. David Schroeder, the most interesting guest in the world. From camp to yacht. Yeah, I still do own a yacht

down in Marina del Rey, so right down by Venice Beach. Yeah, yeah. With another comedian, Dave Nystrom. I don't know if you've ever had him on your show. We haven't because he's never lived here in town. But yeah, when he comes through sometime, you should probably grab him.

He's coming up in summer. So we bought this yacht together. He has a few kids and we thought, oh, you know what? We'll put it on Airbnb. We'll make a couple of grand a month because we got this yacht. It's a beautiful yacht,

but we got it when all the estates collapsed. So we got this yacht for like pennies on the dollar. I remember you saying like – So this was the last couple of years. You were like, yeah, I'm going to – I bought a yacht. And I was like, no, no. You mean something else. Yeah, because when people see it, they think you're going to have like one of those like beat up sort of things where the boozers just live it.

His life's gone to shit. He's got to live down on a dock with an alligator on board or whatever, right? He's a busted out cop, right? Nobody trusts him. What was the movie about the killer in San Francisco where Robert Downey Jr. winds up a newspaper guy. Yeah, he's like boozing down on a houseboat. They're going to have like,

it's going to be like bought from some guy like that. And then when they see it, they're like, wow, it's like, even my special lady friend was like, oh my God, this is amazing, right? Like it's got a whole- Like this is a real yacht. It's a real yacht. And, but it turned out you couldn't put it on Airbnb

and there was like no, you couldn't have people stay in this place for more than a week. We advertised daily, weekly, monthly rate specials. Somebody saw it online, 60 day eviction notice. They told us to take our boat and sail it out to sea. Oh no. So trouble in paradise with the yacht kids.

Oh no. Yeah. The yacht kids so Airbnb allows it Airbnb allows it but the marina wouldn't so we just sailed it down like two marinas down and set up a Japanese fuck camp and now we're doing big business turns out if they're conceived by the beach

it's good luck too oh man Turns out if they're conceived by the beach, it's good luck, too. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man. Yeah, it's not really helping us out right now. It's just me renting out the yacht person. No, but I just love the idea that, you know, like, I know somebody who just, like, has a boat. Yeah, a casual yacht owner. Yeah.

People are always like, oh, you got a yacht. And the weird thing is the other day, somebody asked me if I wanted it on a racehorse. Five grand. Everyone's going to wanted to get on a racehorse. Five grand. Everyone's going to chip in and get on this racehorse. And at first, I was like, no. I'm like, well, of course I'm in for the racehorse. I own a yacht. Of course I'm going to be this eccentric guy with no money, a yacht and a racehorse.

What are the other lifestyle, the rich and famous style investments? Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, I guess owning part of like a crazy theme restaurant. Not theme restaurant, but like a funky, weird restaurant. Okay. Or like a, you know, what was the big celeb? Planet Hollywood.

Yeah. Wasn't there like an athlete version of that as well? Wayne Gretzky's? I feel like there was the Pro Stars. Oh, pro star. There's a Don Cherry one. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know when the States, if the athletes ever got together or if they just got in on the planet Hollywood. Yeah. Maybe that's right. I feel like there were a couple of other like similar ones, like models only restaurant.

I feel like that wasn't. The planet Hollywoods went fast. That was like, they didn't last long. I don't know if they still have them. I didn't know what the thing, what was it like, Hard Rock Cafe, but it had movie memorabilia. Yeah, and when they open one in your town, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis show up. And Bruce Willis plays Harmonica. Will Smith is there.

Will Smith does a little bit of stuff. Yeah. Wow. Well, that's kind of worth doing it. Like if you just, you know. We went to the opening of the one here in Vancouver. You did? Yeah, this friend of ours.

Oh, man. This friend of ours, this buddy of mine, somehow his girlfriend's, he's engaged to Sarah Chalk's sister at the time, the girl from Scrubs. So somehow, they get these invites and we get to go. So we get seated at, it's the big, you know, they're all playing. So I don't really get to hang out with any celebrity. We're just kind of over in the B-League area, right? All the other guys. I didn't even see, I saw them at the

Wesley Snipes was there. I saw them red carpet out front. I was sitting with Mr. Miyagi. By our tail, Mr. Miyagi. Pat Morita? Pat Morita. Does he just happen to be in town or does he own part of it? He's got to be in on the shares. It's a big planet in Hollywood. Because you don't just bring in Morita to help sell.

Yeah, that's true. Oh, wow. So the whole time he just tells us he's just dirty jokes. And it's always the punchline. It's always jerk on, jerk off. He's just dirty jokes, and it's always the punchline. It's always, jerk on, jerk off. He's got his own movie to do a dirty joke.

That's about all I remember. Jerk on, jerk off is his catchphrase to every joke. So there was a plan at Hollywood here. Yeah, and it seems like it was pretty busy the first day. Well, then it was easy to get tables. Yeah, we were over there, and it was like Charlton Heston's outfit from pretty busy the first day. Yeah. And then it was easy to get tables. Yeah, we were over there, and it was like Charlton Heston's outfit from Planet of the Apes. Ape theme, again, we're back to it right there. Planet of the Apes theme in a circle behind me. As an eccentric guy, you need to start an ape restaurant.

Yeah. I think buying crazy movie memorabilia. Yeah. I think buying crazy movie memorabilia. That's a thing like a rich guy like, oh, I bought the shoes that, you know, whatever, Dorothy wore. Yeah. Wizard of Oz or whatever. Could you pick the shoes? The more expensive shoes?

I couldn't. As soon as I said shoes, I was like, computer-worn tennis shoes? Like, those were notable shoes. Forrest Gump shoes? He had those magic leg braces. Dorothy's shoes are actually, the real red ruby slippers are missing. They've been stolen. They're like Nazi art now.

Really? Yeah. Somehow I wound up in the town where she's from. She's born in like somewhere weird in Minnesota, Grand Rapids, Minnesota. The character? No, the actual, what's her, Judy Garland. Kansas, the character. Oh, right.

Famously. There was no place like it. They had Judy Garland's like childhood famously there was no place like it they had Judy Garland's like childhood home and somehow they blew away no yeah it wasn't there anymore

it's just gone somehow they had lent them for some anniversary they lent them the red slippers the ruby slippers and somebody stole them of course

because it's just a shitty town it's like the world's biggest lawn chair is uh is what the town is one of those towns, right? It's not even an impressive lawn chair. I guess it's pretty big.

It's one and three quarters size than a regular one. It's pretty big. I don't even know if it's a lawn chair. It's made of wood. City Hall is deciding, maybe we should change our thing to be the town that the ruby slippers were stolen from. This was the big, ooh, everybody was all wound up about it when it went there. It was about two summers ago.

That's really... That makes sense. I feel like all of that kind of stuff, if I got a crack at stealing one of those things, a jacket from a famous movie... Yeah, and then you... Then what would I do with it? Yeah, because you have to sell... You can't sell it publicly.

And the people who buy it, they... Do they just, you know... Are they supervillains who display it in their, you know... Yeah, before they murder somebody? Yeah, in their shark tank. You'd have to be, right? You'd have to be a creepy guy because the whole point of those people buy the celebrity stuff is so they can sort of be like, Ooh, hey, look, I got...

Yeah. What's his name's jacket? Fonzie's jacket? Like, they want to show it, right? That's in the Smithsonian. Oh, that's in the want to show it, right? That's in the Smithsonian. Oh, that's in the Smithsonian. It's that important that it's in the Smithsonian? Get out.

It is. It's true. That's absolutely true. They put Fonzie's jacket. Maybe just the leather jacket, not the wind cheater. He – there was this – when I worked at the book warehouse, the warehouse two doors down from us was a bunch of guys who were refinishing a giant piece of furniture like that this whole house uh was built around like uh so they were refinishing it and it was it was furniture that belonged to the french government and this guy that was having

it refinished wasn't supposed to have it like it's illegal that he had this this was right right but it was like uh stolen during world war ii and somehow made its way over to the shore and so they were refinishing it and then they were going to build this whole house around this like giant so did they build so they built the house around the piece of furniture yeah in whistler and then did it get reclaimed nope but it just but that's but like they wouldn't say who it was because they were like, technically, it's super illegal that we're even doing it. So that's like that rich guy thing where it's like only people who come over be like, the Nazis stole this. Now I have it. That's maybe what I'd set up to go with my yacht and horse.

I bought it from the Nazis. I bought it from the Nazis. Yeah, as seen. Stolen Nazis. Just a big seen. Bought stolen Nazis. Just a big red thing that says... Yeah, like you have to have some kind of certificate of authenticity. Yeah, and it shows that it's... For your jerky friend who's like, no way. No Nazis stole Fonzie's jacket.

That's a Smithsonian. No, a Nazi got in there. Well, he was more of a skinhead. Neo-Nazi, but still, it kind of counts. I like it like it's a Nazi that got it in 1985, broke it to the Smithsonian. There's current

Nazi treasure reading still going on. I'm just kind of a grammar Nazi. I love it. Dave, what's going on with you? Guys Summer starts today Is it officially the solstice? No but in my heart

Summer starts five days ago Five days ago I bought a barbecue First barbecue you've ever owned, I assume. I once bought an Ikea hibachi and couldn't even cook hot dogs. It's creating a lot of heat under it. Yeah, yeah. You got like a grill one where you're going to be having guests over.

I don't know about the guests. You got tools for it? Like special... Oh, yeah. A kit that you't know about the guests, but... You got tools for it? Like special... Oh yeah, like a brush? A kit that you unfold with all the... No, I just got gloves. Chainmail? Yeah, chainmail doesn't conduct. That's in the

Neo-Nazi museum, the chainmail. Yeah, so I got... I went to Home Depot on Saturday, and I was like, this is the day I'm getting one. Out of my way, world. Yeah, out of my way, guy at Home Depot. So I went there, and I was like, this is the one I want.

And the guy was like, okay, we can put that together for you, have it ready for you by Wednesday. And I was like, nope. I want it now. I'll put it together myself so I um uh it was so heavy it comes in a box like I had to help me into the car like put it in the car and then I'm dragging it like get it home calling your ma'am the whole time and so I got it home and like for three hours I was putting it together. I'm pretty sure it's safe. But like every dinner since I've like tonight we had pasta and I was like, maybe it's going to have grilled chicken. Oh, I thought you just boiled the pasta out on the barbecue.

Once you get a barbecue, it's hard not to cook stuff. You are pretty upset when you've got to cook meat. Right. And it's not on a queue. Have you owned a barbecue? Yeah, but I had my special lady's friend's dad buy it and bring it as a housewarming gift. Already built, brought it over from the island in a truck.

We put it in and cooked the first meal on it. Go to it, Monsoor. You've earned it. So I don't know how you put that thing together. It was. That must have been a frustrating few hours. No, it just takes a while. But it's like a lot of like, just, you know, it's Ikea directions.

Like on the Ikea scale, where does it fit? Like. It's a. It's frustrating. Is that sort of junk? Where do you. No, because it's all the same. It's all the same. It's you just it's a frustrating. Is that sort of junk where you know? Cause it's all the same. It's all the same.

It's you just need a screwdriver. Okay. And it's like, there's a couple of parts where it was like, this is a two person job. Yeah. But it's not. You're like grandpa, get over here. How many, how many pieces left over? None.

None. Okay. Well, it's. And it's the only weird parts is like, they give you the instructions for four different models. So there's steps that you need to know that you can skip, and they don't tell you that you can skip them. Ah. Because you're like, where's this attachment?

Where's the folding table on the side? Oh, mine doesn't have that. Now, are these both propane or gas? Yeah, that freaks me out. Yeah, but you just take when it's empty now. You just take it and they just give you a full one. You don't have the special kid to like refill it out in danger, right? That's not what freaks me out.

The special kid. Yeah. The propane kid. He's wearing like a jumpsuit and a cape. Yeah. Where's the special propane kid? He squeegees your barbecue. Wow.

Yeah. So it's changed Oh, wow. Yeah. So it's changed my life completely. Yeah. No kidding. Here's a summer test for you. Okay. You're married since last time I saw you. Do you think we could text your new wife to bring down a Corona from the fridge as part of summer?

Can we try that? See if it works here live in the podcast room? My guess is no. That's my bet. Okay. What do you think, Dave? I don't like doing this. But I will do it.

Just from one man who owns a barbecue to another. It's acceptable all around my house. It's a brotherhood. It's a brotherhood. It's like an Al Bundy barbecue beer thing. Once you get a barbecue. You guys are really bro-ing it up. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm doing this under duress. Yeah. But the text is the same. But you really want to be in this barbecue brotherhood. Like, you want that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The BBQB. In my house, if I ask for a beer, my woman gets up and gets it for me. Wow. And that wasn't my,

that wasn't me making that up. She reads Vice magazine. And one thing said, a real woman always gets her man a beer if he asks for it. And she believes everything she reads. Yeah, she believes everything she reads. So this is a great check, but I'm not allowed to wear sandals. That's the trade-off. No sandals.

It's a great deal. I wish every man in the city made that deal. So it's out there. If you want this sort of treatment that we're trying right now, have your woman read Vice magazine. There's some article in there that tells them to serve beer. Some article in every issue. I don't even know. I met her. I was like, oh, yeah,

okay, I'll burn the sandals, right? So I'm off. I would be afraid of giving a girl that I was dating Vice because I would be afraid that somebody who looks exactly like me would be in the don'ts. Folding up shop. Well, I can only do it if it's just her and I there. I can't be at a party

and like, hey, honey, fetch me a... It's only while we're sitting at home. Would that blow up in your face if you did that, right? Yeah, it would be the end of that. You don't abuse your privileges. You use them wisely. Nope, I abuse them. Any privilege I've ever had, I abuse. I like to refer to her as my 70s wife. Right?

I told my dad I didn't know he had it so easy back in the day. Right? Like, I've got home from the road and she has, I've come in, she's had a pot roast ready. Oh, look at this. See? It worked. And the lime?

And the lime. And the opener. Thanks, Abby. Oh, jeez. We've got a couple. Oh, we've got a couple here. Is this the thing now? No, this is like a brotherhood of barbecues.

Because we own barbecues. It's summer. I'm not a fan of this. He wasn't a fan, but I'm telling it how it runs around my house where this is common practice. This is a fascinating social. Have you seen any of your peers? Well, I've got a 70s wife, is what I'm saying. I told my dad in Denver.

She's 65. Well, yeah. Yeah. I got home one time and I had been away on the road and I came in and she had a pot roast ready. Told me to sit down, handed me a glass of red wine and then unlaced my shoes and took them off. What? I called my dad the next day. I'm like, dad, I didn't know you had it so easy.

Back in the day. Wow. Yeah. Well, thank you, Abby. Thanks. No, I need the dog though. Where's the dog? Oh, okay. Come on. Thanks. My pleasure. No, I need the dog, though. Where's the dog? Oh, okay.

Come on, dog. Grandpa Git. Come on. Sorry, Homelister. That was weird. And to those of you out there, if you burn your sandals, all this can be yours that you've just heard. Well, just burn your sandals first and then see what happens.

My only worry about the barbecue is becoming a barbecue jerk. Well. Like a guy who has, like, opinions about meat and, like, hey, oh, you flipped the steak twice? Oh, man. Yeah, but that's where this all leads, right? Isn't that your destiny? You know, it's like you're chasing that destiny anyways. So it's just like –

Just embrace it. Something that you sort of aspire – No, no, no. He's afraid of it. He doesn't want it. I've met those people and I'm worried about that. But I do like the food. Yeah.

See, are you a real food – like are you a connoisseur on other foods? Like do you make special glazes and cook up your stuff? Yeah. You're one of those guys already. I like to cook, yeah yeah who could make caramelized onions and all that okay yeah yeah yeah you get some but you're also caramels you're a guy who can uh you get in like these specific kind of areas and then you meet other guys that also like clothing right i've seen you talk to other guys about like garments where you get particular shoes and stuff garments yeah absolutely the finest garment yeah silks spices those are the two things i'm mostly uh i i know a lot of traders yeah yeah yeah absolutely i'm good friends with

marco polo you uh meet a lot of guys and say i I presume, at the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that seems like something like if you met another guy who had a barbecue. But I feel like a barbecue guy is not a garment guy. A barbecue guy and a garment guy. But what about those old-timey butchers that have the Curly Q mustaches? They're both. You could be both. It's 2013.

You might be breaking a barrier. Oh, yeah. I'd like to be a guy like... You could be both. It's 2013. You might be breaking a barrier. Oh, yeah. I'd like the Rosa Parks of barbecue. Yeah, you could probably have a barbecue with something written on it, like Walk With The Anne used to have. Oh, yeah. Some sort of catchy saying. Walk With The Anne all night.

Yeah. Yeah. One of those. A fun apron. So with my barbecue, what I've found so far is- What does your apron say? Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't have one.

What? 70's wife wears the apron. What do you mean? Come on. I'm just kidding. But I throw the meat on it. Mrs. Roper. But I have the whole tool. I have the toolkit that wears the apron. What do you mean? Come on. I'm just kidding. But I throw the meat on it. Mrs. Roper. But I have the whole tool.

I have the toolkit that I was asking about. Like you just fold it down. I've got all my special metal tools and the scraper and all that sort. But I really just throw on a steak. Yeah. It says on the web, hey, cook it 12 minutes, six minutes. Throw it on at seven in the morning. Go to work.

It's ready for you. Yeah. You've got a slow cook bar. I just throw on the six minutes, I sit back, continue to watch the hockey game, have a beer, it beeps, I get up, flip it, come back at the end of the floor, your girlfriend's ironing your shirt for you. I don't have a lot to do.

All I gotta do is flip a steak twice a day. Smoking a cigarette, light one off the other. Change smoking in the house. Using a car lighter. Using a car's lighter. Using a car lighter, exactly. When's the last time someone used one of those to light a cigarette? Other than to charge a phone.

I'd say last Thursday. Yeah, probably up on the ice road. Yeah, up on the ice road. While you were driving around listening to Led Zeppelin in your car. Still had it. Yeah, I still have the lighter in my car. I did use it when I smoked, I remember.

Do cars still come with lighters in them? No, they just have the lighter thing so you can put your adapters in, but there's no lighter in it anymore. It's almost like a plug. It's more of your computer charger. As a smoker, that was, to me, my least favorite way

of lighting a cigarette was car lighter. Because I feel like a lot of tobacco... How many ways are there? There's match, lighter, barbecue. You gotta be Koi Roy. You gotta hop on the scene, Gene. There's 50 ways to lose a lighter. Other person's smoke.

So there's matches. Stove elements. That's a tough one. That always hurts the face. Yeah, chain smoking, lighter, Zippo. So there's matches Stove elements That's a tough one That always hurts the face The yeah Chain smoking Lighter Zippo Yeah Because lighting a cigarette On a lighter and a zippo

Were distinctly different Yeah Experiences And then Yeah car lighter Was my least Because I felt like A lot of the cigarette

Ended up on the car lighter Yeah it was stuck on there It continued to smoke I had to use the one Because you What's the weirdest thing You've ever used Oh The barbecue lighter Oh yeah Barbecue lighter It was stuck on there. It continued to smoke. I had to use the one because you. What's the weirdest thing you've ever used?

Oh. The barbecue lighter. Oh, yeah. Barbecue lighter. Yeah, that's fun. Probably. Hairdryer was really stretching it. You can get it right in that orange core or a toaster.

The toaster wire is a tough one because it's small. You got to reach in there. You got to really want to smoke to light it off a toaster. It's tough. You just have like this like tanned line on your forehead. Well, do you remember? Just a bruise from a bagel that hit you. Back when you smoked, I actually started smoking again while I was with you. I had been not smoking for like a certain amount of time.

And then we almost died on our own ice road. That's right. Going over a mountain. And it looked like we weren't going to make it. That rig was going over the edge and we were sliding towards it. And it looked over. Graham was just chain smoking out a window. And I was like, and went over.

I thought we were going to die halfway over a mountain pass somewhere. I've never heard this story. Where was it? Where were we going? Like not French George. No, we weren't going the other way. We were going like towards. Oh, I think it was Cranbrook

Cranbrook Somewhere like that Somewhere far over mountain Much further than you should be going In a car that we Yeah Have a front wheel drive Toyota That I had rented or something

Yeah Like a little tiny Tursel And cars sliding all over the place And you were You were You were very cool Under the

The conditions Because it was like White out Blizzard Like couldn't see You know Eight feet in front of the car And like We got there And it was like whiteout blizzard, like couldn't see, you know, eight feet in front of the car. And like we got there and it was,

yeah, you were cool. You looked much more calmer to me. Oh, that's because I smoked about half a carton of cigarettes. Hand one over, I'm back. Yeah.

I hadn't smoked, I don't know, six months, but I started smoking right then. Cause it was just too, it didn't. Yeah. It was,

it was pretty. Yeah. It's very much like, you know, I picked a bad day to quit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty. Yeah, it's very much like, you know, I picked a bad day to quit singing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know how hotels, like, you'd get a hotel room, and most of the hotels don't let you smoke. Yeah. But, like, you go to Vegas or something, and they'll be like, do you want a smoking room or a non-smoking room? And you're like'll be like do you want a smoking room or a non-smoking room and you're like are you crazy even if i smoked i don't want to be in some room that people have been smoking in that's for 30 years but do cars do car rental places have that policy oh yeah you're not allowed to smoke in cars you're not i've always done rental cars You live by a crazy code. You're buying yachts. You've got a 70s wife. I'm in for a racehorse.

Just call the racehorse, I got a yacht. You can literally leave a room and say, I've got to see a man about a horse. Like, anytime you want. You can be like, no, literally. I look at everything as a guideline. Really, guys. Even my driving rules and that. I'm like, people, you know, the 70s wives, you can't do that. It's just a guideline. Really, guys. Even driving rules and that, people, you know, the 70s

wives, you can't do that. It's just a guideline. Oh, okay. I mean, I know red light. I don't go flying through red light, but if it's late at night and there's nobody around, I go through it. I fire up the car and I go. You plug a toaster into the power outlet

in your car so you can light a cigarette off of it and live by your own rules. I like to go into a drugstore. The first thing I do is grab a bottle of water out of the ice cold water thing. I drink it the whole time. I walk around and shop. At the end, I pay for my other stuff and don't pay for the water. What?

That's just stealing. I'm that type of guy. I got some thieving to me, too. Just only like a $1.19 type thievery. It just keeps you young. Now that I don't smoke anymore, it used to be like a month's worth of takingvery. It just keeps you young. Now that I don't smoke anymore, it used to be like a month's worth of taking matches from places, right? Yeah, you're just

a 70s guy. I'm just a 70s guy. You expect me to pay for a bottle of water? It's the 70s. I could tell them at the end. I could tell them at the end. But I always just, you know, yeah. I didn't get to grow. I didn't get to live the dream of a rig and a chimp, right?

That was not too late. We should all be so lucky. Although I tried it at the, you know how you can pay those automatic ones? Like where you do your own bagging or whatever? Automatic chips, yeah. No, not automatic chips, the pay for whatever. So I tried the water where I drank the water and then you pay for it. You scan it, beep, and then you put it in your bag.

Oh, it doesn't have enough weight. It doesn't have enough weight. They rang me up right away. Like they know. Wow. But you were paying for it. I was paying for it. You scan it, beep, and then you put it in your bag. Oh, it doesn't have enough weight. It doesn't have enough weight. They rang me up right away. Like they know. Wow. But you were paying for it. I was paying for it. I learned my lesson not to pay for water from that day on.

Wow. Yeah. Right? Free the water, right? Free the water, yeah. Graham. Yes, sir. What's up with you?

I bought a yacht. Okay. But only for my horse. I bought a horse and a yacht. I don't know what to do with it. We bought a a yacht. Okay. But only for my horse. I bought a horse and a yacht. I don't know what to do with that. We bought a zoo yacht. I just came back. Speaking of the zoo, I came back from – I was at Calgary, Alberta.

I saw my folks. We went to the zoo, which is – man, that zoo is great. That's what I heard. Yeah. And they just recently – they have penguins. And those are just the greatest. They are the greatest show animals. Next, otters.

Otters are like the top show animal. But they weren't doing a show, though. No, but they just, their life is just a show. They're just. I thought seals are top show animals. Yes. Seals are pretty good. Oh, no, that's true.

Dolphins do it as well. Yeah, dolphins are pretty good. Yeah, birds do that's true. Dolphins do it as well. Dolphins are pretty good. Birds do it. He's been educated. Monkeys can throw punches and shit. So I think you're penguins. You've really overrated the penguins here if you got them behind the honors. But I see where you're going with this.

You know, like penguins, I feel like we go crazy whenever pandas are on the agenda. Like so much so that our prime minister like flew to an airport to like meet the pandas when they came to Canada. And he was so nervous. Yeah, he's like, oh, man. Yeah. He was like, yeah, I hope I got the right bamboo. Did I? I heard this story when I was away.

I was in the States somewhere. I got back and I heard some story that we had cut all this funding for stuff. And then we blew like 10 million on a couple of pandas. Oh, yeah. The prime minister was there to cut the ribbon when they showed up the whole bit. And there was also the same – We blew the $10 million on pandas. It shifted around.

I need some panda money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing about pandas is it gives every reporter an opportunity to blow off the old headline. Pandamonium. Yeah, pandamonium. Pand pandemonium yeah pandemonium pandemonium pandemonium and uh panoptanium and um uh the yeah so like but then you go and see pan have you ever seen pandas no they don't do anything they just kind of they sleep most of the time and they're really they're yeah they're

just kind of nothing but penguins those guys are fucking moving of the time and they're really, they're yeah, they're just kind of nothing. But penguins, those guys are fucking moving all the time and like jumping up out of the water. Yeah, exactly. They're like, yeah, it's like watching the floor on Wall Street. They're just like doing stuff. And what do you get? What's a penguin go for? Like a buck forty-nine?

They're easy. They're not expensive. They're not ten mil a pair. They don't need your prime minister to show up. Yeah, you just send your minister of agriculture to come greet them at the airport. They're easy. They're not expensive. They're not 10 mil a pair. They don't need your prime minister to show up. Yeah. Yeah, you just send your minister of agriculture to come greet them at the airport. But that is – I heard that is one of the best things. Like the Calgary Zoo has got like – you've got like gorillas and all sorts of stuff there. They're all in the same enclosure.

Yeah, they're all in the mist. But they're not living in glass and stuff, right? They're roaming around? Are they roaming around? No, it's all zoo. in glass and stuff, right? They're roaming around? Are they roaming around? No, it's all zoo.

But like the, they've got like a whole, like, it used to be a lot shoddier. And now it's recently they've like upgraded everything. And those penguins, man, I was like. You like the penguins? Yeah. Well, I just thought, you know, given the foof around pandas, penguins are my vote. Abby, my wife, who I'm in some real hot water with after this corona incident. Oh, man, yeah.

He is not in a 70s relationship. No, no. He's a modern man. Modern man over there. This guy's all spices and silk over there. Her parents live in China, and they've been to a zoo where you put on a smock and then you get to be with the pandas. Have your picture taken with a panda on your lap. Have you ever seen the pictures?

Who is it? Shaq? Shaq with the panda on his lap? It's a very funny photo. I always like the Vietnam comedy where vietnam comedy movie where ben stiller kills that panda in the middle of the night he's got all the pictures with the panda get a picture of everything and then that one berry thinks it's a monster in the night he turns out to be a panda that he's stabbing but that's the thing is pandas are very uh you know they're like they're still

bears right no they're closer to raccoon they're like a raccoon still bears, right? No, they're closer to raccoons. They're like a raccoon. Really? Even a raccoon or a raccoon or, yeah. Scares me. That's when raccoons have sex at noon. Do raccoons scare you? They call it a raccoon or a raccoon.

There's one raccoon. There's this one bully raccoon in my neighborhood. Scares me. So did you scare, cause like 70s wife is afraid of raccoons. Oh really? Like, cause yeah,

some Swedish people were behind us and we heard him talking i think i told the story then she turned around like oh dangerous and she's like they'll rip your fucking face off like she thinks a raccoon will like she makes it sound like the most menacing killer ever and i'm like uh she won't let the nephews near them to feed them well that's probably sausages hey hey yeah whatever they are sausages they just made on the barbecue. That's what I do. My barbecue, some sausages,

bring those down for the raccoons and some bread for the ducks. It's a day at the park. I just bought all these groceries. Hey ducks, that's for the raccoon. Dumb ducks. Lay off the sausages, ducks.

Yeah. So I went and saw these penguins. They were great. And also, like, growing up at the zoo there. You grew up at the zoo? Yeah, absolutely. My parents bought a zoo, and they didn't have any animals. Well, were you born in a zoo? Yeah.

That explains your manners. Your table manners. Here's the thing. Your bathroom manners. Before you the thing. Your bathroom manners. Sorry, before you go, one quick question. Is this like a zoo where, do you walk through it or do you drive? Like, I've never really been to a zoo other than the Vancouver one. It just didn't count.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is a walk-through. Most zoos, I think, are walk-throughs. Are walk-throughs. But there's one in Toronto that's a drive. It's a drive safari one. Is there a difference between them? Like, is the one that you drive still a zoo?

Or are they both like... I think they're called outdoor Safari yeah yeah something like that or or preserve they might reserve okay okay so you're gonna walk you're walking you're on foot right now I'm on your bag of walking through zoos still smell really bad oh yeah absolutely smells like gorilla farts everywhere you go. Okay. But at the front entrance of the zoo in Calgary, like if you kind of go right immediately, there's an old – it's like dinosaur park. Like it has scale models of dinosaurs in it. They're not alive.

They're not alive. Okay. They're not animatronic. They're just statues. They're not alive. Okay. They're not animatronic. They're just statues. Not animatronic teaching you about the president. But like as a kid, like that was like the coolest thing, right? Yeah. If you would walk around and like there's a Tricosaurus.

I met a dinosaur. Yeah. Just to show you like scale of how big our animals now are against dinosaurs back in the day. And they also had like kind of had really good facsimiles of a volcano and all the different... Where did Truckasaurus fit in there? That guy that used to eat cars at the

truck wall. Truckasaurus and Undertaker? Oh my god. He was that guy. He's a dinosaur. It just occurred to me. He's a dinosaur that runs on gasoline, which is made out of dinosaurs. Yeah, absolutely. He had natural

instincts. There's a lot of puns flying around this table. Oh, we're having fun. But they're closing down that dinosaur area. They're getting rid of it. Too expensive. And they've kind of let it slide

a bit, I think, in an effort to make people go like, good riddance. Like, that dinosaur park was on the skids. Or did those son of a bitches up in Drumheller buy it? Well, that's it. That's why they're closing it. They're like, we got Drumheller's rights down the road. Got all the dinosaur things.

That's Dinosaur Town. For our listeners who aren't familiar, Drumheller is Canada's dinosaur capital. Yeah. It's where they dug up all the dinosaur bones. They found the most dinosaur bones that are out of one of the top spots in the world. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it's not very far from Calgary.

So it's redundant. Far enough, though, but for a kid, a kid needs his dinosaurs in Calgary. It's still a long ride for a kid. It was a great time to be alive, but now they've drained the lake. Do kids like dinosaurs? They love them.

What about trucks? If only there was a way to get them to meet. But yeah, there was a lake and there was like dinosaurs that were like popping out of the lake and that lake has been drained. So there's a bunch of like half dinos. Do you see like one of the stick and did they just Make the top half of it That was under the water So the kids are like That was really sad

You gotta drain that lake You can't afford Stagnant water Yeah yeah So that was pretty sad To see the like Half dinos Just kind of like

That was a real Strip of the old childhood So this zoo Is going downhill a little No they're gonna put Polar bears in there No Yeah yeah

No they're not really Bringing a polar bear They are Yep Have you seen a polar bear. They are. Have you seen a polar bear? They used to have polar bears at the zoo and then this is true. The polar bears got depressed and they gave the polar bears like a

derivative of Prozac. And then what happened? They killed themselves. Yeah, they released an album of Morrissey covers. That was the one animal they sort of had left at the Vancouver one when I moved here. There's still a polar bear. Yeah. And he looked like he had been smoking DeMauriers his whole life.

He was just an odd yellow color. Oh, yeah. Cut in line. He had faded to yellow from like, and they had him on that one rock. They put him on that rock in the middle so he couldn't get her to anybody. But they didn't give him the Prozac, I don't think think he was a bummer. Did he just die or did they send him somewhere else? I think they shipped all those guys out. Yeah they went to a farm upstate. They can run around all day. Don't worry about it.

Eat all the seals they want. Yeah it's great. We can't go visit. Yeah. You know they have like a farm like that for cows and pigs and stuff that they find. Yeah, Old MacDonald had a farm. Yeah, like an Old MacDonald's farm. Where like, if you like a cow. Well, on that farm he had a pig. Pig, yeah. You don't get to Polar Bear unless you really get deep down into the book. Before you get to the Polar Bear page.

It's way down there. And that's the last thing he feeds. Because then it eats the pig. into the book before you get to the polar bear page. It's way down there. And that's the last thing he feeds because then it... Yeah, because then it eats him. Yeah, it eats the pigs.

He feeds on Old MacDonald. Anyways, yeah, so closing down the dino park. Got to see it one last time before it shoves off.

I don't know. Here's the thing. Talking about crazy purchases, I have no idea where these dinosaurs are going to go. Oh, yeah. Damon,

do you want to go in on a stegosaurus? Yeah, will you buy a stegosaurus with us and Dave Nystrom? Yeah, yeah. If Dave Nystrom's on board, will you? If Nystrom's on board,

we could probably put her at the front of the yacht. Yeah. Kind of like, you know, those kind of sailing women from the old... That is a very smart from Camel Boy.

Just a brontosaurus head coming up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Airbnb brontosaurus. Yeah. Airbnb brontosaurus head coming up. Yeah. Yeah. Airbnb brontosaurus. Yeah. Airbnb brontosaurus burgers. Brontosaurus and breakfast.

Yeah. So it's – oh, yeah. And that was the other thing that I learned while I was at the – there's also a brontosaurus statue in the middle of the zoo that was there like I think the first day the zoo was open. Yeah. that was there, like, I think the first day the zoo was open. And my dad, like, we were looking at it, and my dad said, you know what's inside that dinosaur sculpture? And I was like, I have no idea.

He's like, garbage. Like, they had to build it up so high, they didn't have enough cement, so they just filled it with garbage. So it's like a time capsule that's got, like, all sorts of garbage from whenever that was. Yeah. Somebody's garbage. L it's like a time capsule that's got all sorts of garbage from whenever that was. LPs? I just got a question. What does your dad do? What does Mr. Clark do? He's a geologist.

He is a geologist. So he does know what's inside the dinosaur. Yeah, absolutely. Your dad's a geologist. Does he have a beard? Does he look like you guys look like? I've met him. You've met Mr. Clark? Yeah, all the Clark.

I've met all the Clark clan. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to see. I think, like, Graham's hair and beard are out of control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'd like one day just, like, just to completely go 180 and Graham shaves and has like a junior executive haircut. Yeah.

A real, a real piece from that man. Yeah. You know, he's run with it. One day he'll find his cabin. It's, it's like you're, you're headed. Like, it's kind of like how I stumbled into a yacht. One day you'll have your log cabin. You're just my whittling.

Yeah. You're whittling stick. Oh, I don't know. Roommates in it. I don't, I just mean it as like, this is the ultimate prank. Okay. Oh, really? Because the rest of the clan...

This is a long con. Yeah, yeah. Because everybody else is, yeah, very short hair. When I met you, you just sort of had like a little billy goat's gruff chin. Just a pharaoh's chin. Just like a little square pharaoh's thing. I was really into Egyptian culture at the time. Square Pharaoh's.

It had three different elastic bands on it. It never did. You could tell how long. He had one for each month he'd been doing comedy. He had an elastic. That's so gross. He's like a sergeant. Three elastic bands down.

He was wearing stripes. He's wearing stripes on his chin. If he shaved his beard, you'd be able to count the rings. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so he's wearing stripes on his chin. Yeah, if he shaved his beard, you'd be able to count the rings. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so that's what's new with me. I learned about the zoo. You ate a dinosaur. Yeah, I went to the zoo.

You ate a penguin. Do you want to move on to overheards? Please. All right. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Jordan Morris. We host the podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jordan Morris.

We host the podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's 90 minutes or so of free-flowing conversation about feelings and momentous occasions and moments of shame. And also a light sprinkling of almost unspeakable vulgarity. Every week we welcome a great guest from the world of film, television, or comedy to have a surprising conversation with us. Something you're definitely not going to hear anywhere else. Yeah, a very intimate conversation. So if you want to hear us talk to some of your favorite comedians about things that aren't comedy or their latest project, tune in to Jordan, Jesse, go every week at Maximum

Fun dot org or in iTunes. We're your best friends in your podcast ears. Overheard. Overheards, a segment in which... Now, Graham, what I love about Overheards is the way that they have transformed humanity. Uh-huh. Well, I travel to the future. Yeah.

And I learned a few things about where we're going. Shut up. Really? I told you something. Like, this is going to change the world. Fine. Go ahead. I only interrupt you because I think this is very important.

It's a segment that you've never heard before. What? Yeah, I'm blowing your mind. Sounds like the iTunes commenters got to you. No. This week there was literally no Hulk Hogan news. It was the exact same news as last week. But a gentleman named Michael M sent in a bunch of police blogs from his local police department.

And they are the greatest things I've read in since forever. So this is a segment I call Acton, Massachusetts Police Reports. Acton, Massachusetts Police Reports. That's right. Acton. Acton. Oh, Acton, Massachusetts. Whereabouts in Massachusetts is that?

Is that near the Cape? I'll look it up while you guys get on with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are actual things that the police were called in to do in Acton, Massachusetts. Who are some of Acton, Massachusetts' famous prodigals? Is hockey player Brian Noonan from there? Oh, maybe. You find that out for me.

So here is a sample. He's from Boston, Massachusetts. Small town outside of Acton. This is a sample of something that was called in at 5.46 p.m. on Breezy Point Road. Okay. A woman reported a Great Dane was following her while she was riding horses in the area. She said the dog did not bite her, but her and her daughter were quite upset. Acton, Massachusetts police report.

That is, Great Dane is a big dog. Yeah. It's like the horse of dogs. Just its presence is intimidating, right? Not really. They're pretty mellow. They're like a, they're too. Horses are scarier than Great Danes.

Yeah. Yeah. If the Great Dane could have called in the cops, he probably would have. Yeah. If the Great Dane could kick you, you'd be in trouble. This is from something that was called in at 6.56 p.m. on Devon Drive. Police received a report of a dead goose in the road. The goose was removed.

Acton, Massachusetts police report. That's quaint. This is one of my favorites. Any update on where Acton, Massachusetts is? No, my phone just said, don't bother. Forget it. Didn't give me anything. Didn't even have a Wikipedia for it.

That's cool. I'll try it again. I got an Acton, Ontario, but not. Okay. There's two more of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I apologize. I apologize for Damon.

This is from 8.5 a.m on high street oh nope sorry my my uh my apologies i'm reading the wrong one okay because you couldn't have no this is uh 6 25 p.m on pope road oh world of difference that's that's the rough part of town someone called the police to report a pizza delivery man was at his or her door with a pizza. The person said he, she never ordered the pizza, even though the pizza delivery man had the delivery receipt order. Oh, pranksters. Yeah, absolutely. Called into the cops.

Would you call the cops about a... You know what? You got to eat that pizza. If it's not a hundred pizzas. I think that's pretty good, especially this day and age with like call display and stuff. It's hard to get away with a phone prank call in. Absolutely. Right, to get a pizza by someone.

No, I'm pretty impressed. Take your pizza, eat it. Yeah. Guess what? That's a gift horse. 7.31 p.m. Nagog Park Drive. Police received a report of an injured goose.

I know. Is that after he was only picked up off the road? So lazy, fuck, called when he got home. I'll call him when we get home, Margaret. Well, they're getting better. They're getting better at goose preparedness. And this is finally 3.17 p.m., Charter Road. Police responded to a report that a man was exposing himself.

The man said he was just doing an exercise. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. It was just a shake weight. So there you go. That's some updates from the Acton, Massachusetts police. I've got a big blog entry. I've got a big Wikipedia here for Acton, Massachusetts.

Yeah. There's an entry about its sewers, its museums, its theater. Theater. What about its sewer museum? Better than Calgary Zoo, they say. It's theater. Theater. What about its sewer museum? Better than Calgary Zoo, they say. It's a sewer museum. It just smells better. They got penguins everywhere.

Just east of... Alligators. Alligators in the sewers. One time Samuel Adams pooped here. That's right. He is listed. Samuel Adams is a famous resident of Acton, Massachusetts. Yeah, he's from the Massachusetts area.

1639 someone got there. That's when they settled this job. Notable residents. Here are some notable residents. Tom Barrasso, former NHL goaltender. Tom Barrasso. Wow. Ricky Tom Barrasso.

He caught with his right hand. Yeah. Let's see. James Brown, co-founder of Little Brown and Company. You're not talking James Brown who led police on car chase from Acton over seven states? He's from Little Brown and Company. You're not talking James Brown who led police on car chase from Acton over seven states? He's from Little Brown and Company, the publisher.

He's the hardest working man in publishing. The godfather of publishing. Steve Carell. He grew up in South Acton. It's so big they got a South Acton? Yeah. That's where all the goose action goes down. South Acton. It sounds

sleepier than that for Steve Carrell to be. Mary Josephine Hannon, the maternal grandmother of JFK. Oh. Let's see. Oh, too many. Someone from the Dropkick Murphys? Oh, sure. Yeah, all of those guys.

Oh, wait, no, the namesake of the Dropkick Murphys. Joseph D sure. Yeah. All of those guys. Oh, wait, no. The namesake of the Dropkick Murphys. Joseph D. Dropkick. Oh, Dr. John Dropkick Murphy. All right, enough. Anyways, thanks for sending in that stuff about Acton, Massachusetts. Their police department's doing a bang-up job, goose-wise, pizza delivery-wise. And what about that guy exposing himself? Good excuse.

I have saved a goose. Yeah? Highway goose. What? Yeah, I don't want to be a storytopper. Yeah, go, please. I used to be engaged to a vegan. So we saw a goose.

He was like, uh, limping, whatever. So we had to pull over. Injured goose. And we had to run into the taco time, and she had to call. Couldn't you have run into a more vegan friend? You think so, but taco time was all that was there. So we went into taco time with the goose. He made it to the edge of the road, and he'd to call. Couldn't you have run into a more vegan friend? You would think so, but Taco Time was all that was there. So we went to Taco Time where the goose was coming. He made it to the edge of the road and he'd been hit.

So they had called in and Taco Time didn't really want much to do with this whole goose problem. Taco Time's like, we're not hiring goose. No, we're not big on lending the phone out for goose. What's the over-under on this goose? I don't even know why we didn't have phones, but somehow she got a hold of the goose place. This lady, the goose joint, right? You don't just call police. They don't have phones. But somehow she got a hold of the goose place. This lady. The goose joint, right? You don't just call police.

They don't do anything. So this woman showed up. They would have been acting. I'll tell you that. This woman showed up in a van with a net. She had like a big, you know, one of those nets for catching fish. Yeah. And a bunch of... Four crazy people.

Butterfly nets. With a bunch of like animal cages. And I think there was something in there. Let's go with the raccoon. There was something was already... Panda. She picked up something on the way home. With a bunch of animal cages. And I think there was something in there. Let's go with the raccoon. There was something. He was already... Panda. She picked up something on the way home.

Got a goose call. Oh, okay. So I came to get this goose. So netted him. We had to grab this goose in the net because he tried to limp off on one foot. And then he got caught in the net. So we had to untangle him. So I had to actually work the goose neck, which is...

Whoa. Like a live goose neck. You're kind of like, whoa, I don't want to bend you too much, buddy. It's like a hose with a bit of resistance against it. It was really weird untangling the goose. So I helped save this goose on the side of the road. Bravo. Where's your medal?

Where's your parade? I didn't get any medal, but we went to that farm I was talking about where farm animals have been saved. And there was a goose that followed me everywhere. The goose. I might be my girl wound up calling me the goose whisperer because she thinks that I saved one. But you were kind of like the goose strangler. Well, I was, but I saved him. I got him out of the net and you want to

twist him. You don't know how far a net goes because it's long. Well, if I twist it this far, how does his vertebrae work? The key is the goose will let you know. It's not Hutchinson owl joke, twist his head, but you feel that I twisted this far. How, like, how does his vertebrae work? The key is the goose will let you know. Yeah. It's not, you know, it's not Hutchinson owl joke, twist his head. But you feel that, like, you feel like you can kind of bend him.

But you still know you're dealing with a neck. Oh, yeah. And you know, neck is pretty resilient. The goose neck. Yeah. That's why they, what's a goose neck? I don't know. I was thinking of a bottleneck.

But that's not the same thing. But like a goose, are there things that are named after like a like a sink a sink faucet it's got a gooseneck swan face we should probably

google goosenecks resiliency you know what we're fine now for real it's time for overheards okay and we always like

to start with the guest now did you have you been listening I didn't know we were still doing I thought that might have been

something faded away I haven't heard any of the current the over. Oh, absolutely. I thought that might have been something faded away. I haven't heard any of the current ones lately. I've been busy robbing grocery stores and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down on my yacht. Yeah, yachting. So if you don't have one. I can't think of one off the top of my head.

Don't worry about it. We'll hit up Dave. And if at any point anything comes to you, feel free to jump in. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. comes to you feel free to jump in yeah okay yeah now this one is surprisingly appropriate given today's many conversation topics but today I was walking downtown and I was on my lunch break and you know how there are people

out canvassing you'll see people standing with a clipboard trying to get your dumb signature this give me Hey, vote for this. Give me a thing. I believe past guest John Buehler referred to them as bakers with binders. Yep. Yeah, absolutely. And they'll be representing Amnesty International or whatever other organization. And today I was walking and I saw that I was coming towards a couple of these people.

And so I looked around to see if I could sort of stagger my walk so someone else would get their attention. And the guy next to me was a big musclehead guy. And he was just built and he was wearing sweatpants and just had a, you know, don't screw with me look on his face. And walking by this, like, early 20s woman holding a clipboard. And she says to the guy, hey, man, want to hang out, talk about animals? And, like, I absolutely want to hang out and talk about animals. That's all we've been doing tonight. Yeah, that's true.

She should have run into Graham. Yeah, man. I would have been like, yep. Was she a good-looking sort of thing? Was she the type of girl you'd stop and talk animals for a bit? I have a feeling you're coming across as a bit of a chauvinist. It's all guidelines. Between the texting for fears.

It's all guidelines. I wonder about this big muscle guy, if he thought about stopping. No, I mean, well, I mean, she looked fine. Okay. But not fine. Well, I... Like,

in the top half of attractive people. Okay. Who have ever lived. I've never stopped to talk to a binder person, so I don't know if they hire good looking people to try and stop them. Or just angry people. I feel like they hire youthful people.

Unemployable people. But people that look cool. I find it's those people who look at their first job and they're like, I've got to be the binder guy. But I think a lot of them are like, they're going to go and they're going to do a semester of drama. I've got to tell you, these binder guys got it easy. Back in my day, they used to make you walk around with a sign hanging off you.

Roses, $9.99 a dozen. These kids today got it easy. Yeah, before they figured out that sandwich boards could just stand on their own. What guy invented, what guy came up with that. Ted, you'll eat them two together. We just put them together and save ourselves four bucks an hour. I used to live in Victoria and there's this one person who just stands outside a carpet store, a rug store, dressed as a rug, waving. And in the rain, that thing just... a carpet store a rug store dressed as a rug waving and in the rain that thing just it just collects rain but the yeah like the the the proposition of hey want to hang out and talk about animals that's

that's as good a proposition as you're gonna get but it's also completely it's a lie because she's she's not gonna talk to you about as you're going to get. But it's also completely – it's a lie because she's not going to talk to you about animals. She's trying to get you to sign a dumb animal thing. I'll be like, I want to talk about penguins versus pandas. Yeah. Sit down. But they also get you like – you're like, ah, okay, I'll sign your animal thing. They're like, well, it's going to cost you $20 to do that.

Yeah, I always – Don't they get you at the end? I've had a conversation with one of them where I said, what was it about me that made you think that i had money yeah to give you oh i've heard a couple of i thought you're looking like how do i not get red flagged by binder people you're doing some research to find out how to change your appearance so that a binder person would never buck you again but i was like and i and the guy said, I don't know. He just seemed easy to approach. But I was like, but you don't think that I have that money.

Like I don't look like a guy that has the money to give you this kind of thing. He's like, no, we're just – you guys just approach. Just approach everybody. A couple of them on a bus once talking about how they were all bitter about the fact that the people who have the most money, like businessmen, will never in a million years stop and talk to them. That's how they became businessmen. Yeah, I know. That's why they have money. You know, it would be – they might get a bit of that businessman stuff if they just had some sort of jar or something that said, hey, just fuck off. I won't bug you or something.

Just a little like, if you don't want to be bugged, throw in this jar or something. So the guy would just like... And you get a bracelet that you never get bugged. So you wouldn't have to, you know how you said you had to change your pace because you wanted to like, ooh, I'm trying to jockey for position. I think we would all buy that bracelet. Yeah, you could just throw in, you get that, and then they don't have to bug you again.

And then you just give it the, like, hey, we might have a new Airbnb plan here. Don't bug me bracelets. It's not bad. I think Livestrong bracelet was kind of that for, like, you know, I'm a good guy. Yeah, yeah. This money went to cancer. This money went to steroids. Graham, do you have an overheard?

I do. Mine comes courtesy of two young ladies on the bus that I think had just either come from a school play audition or they had just gotten a part. They were very abuzz about trying to work on their Scottish accent. about trying to work on their Scottish accent. So they were on the bus, and they were doing phrases with a really bad Scottish accent. From Macbeth Musical? Yeah, well, just for each other.

But they weren't from anything. They weren't saying Shakespeare quotes or whatever. They were just grabbing random phrases out of the air. And the one girl's phrase was, Aye, my leg is freezing. Just my one leg? Yeah, my leg is freezing. Was she wearing any reason for it to be?

No, just like a terrible tear in one pant leg. She's had a traumatic night. Yeah. They were just really excited about this play. They were talking about the play and then they started doing the Scottish accent. Were you in any high school plays? I was in a high school production of the original play MASH. Batman Returns actually.

I played one of the Penguin. The play MASH. Yeah, Batman. Batman Returns, actually. Batman Returns, yeah. I played one of the Penguin. The Play MASH. Mm-hmm. Who were you? Radar O'Reilly. Ah. You were in the Play MASH in high school?

Yeah, yeah. Man, they really took on something big. Some school teacher really wanted to take on MASH. Would you have to play the football game at the end, same as the movie? Yeah. Yeah. Jeez. And you got Radar.

I was Radar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you all do a chorus of suicide is painless i think they played that at the very beginning of the play it was like our drama teacher that was super like into reruns well no she was like super ambitious she was like you know she was like dangerous minding us oh yeah yeah like she came in and really like threw out the rule book yeah and we were like everybody look to your left one of these people will be dead

did you do a high school play? there were a few but they were mostly musicals and I couldn't really sing so I didn't even bother but I was we did one musical not a musical, I guess it was.

It was high school musical, the musical for high schools. It was a play called Fools by Neil Simon. And it was just a bunch of. Oh, they did that at our school too. It's like everybody in the town is dumb. Yeah. Yeah. And they added them, but they added a musical component.

Like a guy, they had done a performance of it before years earlier where a guy had actually written songs. How about you? Yeah, I did one and I couldn't tell you the name of the play because it was some they let some woman who was apparently a playwright

write this play that the school was going to do. Sounds like she's great if she's apparently a playwright. Yeah. It was God awful. I can't remember what it was, but we were, it was about like a kid who,

he forms his own band. You got a band and he's dating the girl and I think he gets run over on his skateboard and whatever, but he's got to make the last tune. So I don't get the lead. I'm pretty choked at the time. Cause I'm like, man,

what this guy beat me for the lead I gotta be like The best friend Who's a bit of a bad ass But I learned to play guitar So for the sake Because we got a band So for this role

I learned to play guitar And I gotta tell you I can't hear like You know like A real person who knows How to play guitar Can pick away Until they strum and hear

The tune I could play like a G Okay G A I was that robot guy But I learned to play like kick by in excess. So there were monitors. And the guy who beat me for the lead, he didn't learn to play a thing. He was the leader of this band.

We were rival guys, leader of the band. He played the triangle and a stick thing. That's all they made him play because he couldn't learn to play any instrument. But at least you're not bitter about it. Yeah. stick thing that's all they made him play because he couldn't learn to play any instrument and at least you're not bitter about it yeah yeah at least i'm not carrying around for years later that goddamn triangle player like i learned to play the guitar and that's it i learned to play like four songs and i couldn't i i couldn't play uh songs since i can't sing i can't play but i learned to play and it was really um pretty and that kid's name daniel day lewis

just dan lewis is what we called him. He was just Dan Lewis back in the day. Little Dan Lewis. Back in the day. That's where he got him from. Some Irish kid come over for exchange student, Dan Lewis. Yeah, some Irish kid came over. My leg is freezing.

I can't believe he became such a character actor. He wouldn't even learn to play an instrument back then. Now look at him. Yeah, look at Lincoln shredding. Yeah. That's it for the show, right? No, we also have – we have overheard sent in to us from all over the world. If you want to do the same, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org.

And this first one comes all the way from St. John's, Newfoundland. This is an overseen from Courtney B. On my way home from a hike, I saw a folded up piece of paper on the sidewalk. I had a feeling I should pick it up. It might be special. And boy, was I right. Now, I wouldn't expect you to read out the entire list. I am going to.

But there are a few treats on there. And it was a piece of paper that has two columns, shopping list and to-do list. Here are the highlights from the shopping list. Dove soap, hairspray, chain, laptop. Not laptop? Nope, laptop. Lab, L-A-B? Yeah, it's a computer you put on top of your dog.

Well, she's from Newfoundland. That's true. Yeah. Labrador. A Labrador top. Yeah. Alcohol wipes from Fog City. Fog City is a restaurant in our mall, so he was going to steal some alcohol wipes. Gotta get the good ones from Fog City.

Rob Zombie album at HMV. Rob Zombie does have a new album up. Crickets. What? Oil and filter. Okay. Crickets. Crickets as in, like, he's got a snake.

He owns a snake. He's got a fetus. He's got a fetal lizard. This is from the to-do list. Bring pants slash leather boots to Gary. The only thing crossed out on the list. That's the only thing he got done. He got them to Gary. The only thing crossed out on the list. That's the only thing he got done. He got them to Gary.

Gary's a snake. Make plastic cast of head and skull. Break down vest for studding. Clean scorpion cage. There's your crickets. There's the crickets. Clean it. Oh, yeah. I got to clean this. And get Lords of Salem ticks. clean scorpion cage there's your crickets there's the crickets and clean clean it oh yeah

and get Lords of Salem ticks so there you go I guess that's a rock and roll band so uh this kid got

one thing done I don't think he's a kid that's definitely a guy that's a guy making studded leather stuff he plays in a band

he owns a snake cage I bet he's tattooing I bet he runs the tattoo shop on the hill in Newfoundland right there. You fix your boots. He's a cobbler. He's a man. He does a lot of stuff. He's a jack of four trades.

Yeah, jack of four trades. He does a lot of work with leather. Yeah, yeah. Jack of four trades. Cleaning out the scorpion cage. If I had a nickel for every time I've been stung, cleaning out the goddamn scorpion cage. Well, you've got to put a cup over it. Yeah.

Now, this next one comes from Joe M. in Chicago. This is mom talking to her toddler. Mom's a toddler. This kind of behavior isn't going to earn you any iPad time. To which the dad says, ooh, snap. You just got served, son. I think being a dad is getting better and better. It seems like it's, yeah.

As long as there's, you know, fun expressions, hackneyed expressions you can say. Ooh, talk to the hand. Yeah, is that your final answer? Is that a hack to the hand! Is that your final answer? Is that a hackneyed expression? Is that your final answer? You are the weakest child.

Goodbye. And this last one, this comes from Marlene G in Delta, BC. Local girl, makes good. Yep, this is our local swim club had an icebreaker event for the kids so they could go swim. Yeah, absolutely.

You're going to hurt your neck. They had an icebreaker event for the kids where they played games and got to know each other. In one game, someone would stand in the middle of a circle and say something like, everyone wearing blue, switch places. When an older kid was in the middle, she said, everyone with kidneys change places. Everyone ran around except for one kid, about seven years old. A 10-year-old next to her says, sweetie, we all have kidneys. The seven-year-old said, what are kidneys?

The 10-year-old, ever helpful, says, they're those knobby things on the end of your knees. Yep. They're your kidneys. We've all got them. Kidneys. Oh, we bring it around to a pond at the end yeah a lot of fun fun right yeah a lot of fun yeah I like the kids knees okay yeah yeah yeah we get

it yeah got it kids knees okay but that's pretty good for a 10 year old that is that is pretty good for 10 that's like kids first pun right kidney or do you think that's the kid that's just been told like dad like you know those dads that don't care about anything? They're like, dad, what's a kidney? Ah, it's your knees, right?

I think that the kid actually thinks that that's what the kidney is. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like I knew a kid who thought that tonsils were the same as your balls. He thought, like, when you got your tonsils removed that you were getting your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what tonsils are. I know that they're in your throat. Yeah. And I imagine

they look like a rotini. You got a two-day holiday from school and got to eat Jell-O. I couldn't wait to get those things out. And ice cream, right? Yeah, ice cream. Did you have your tonsils out? No, I was praying to get them out. I was like, just give me something to get those tonsils out. Smoking them out. Yeah, lucky kid.

But that overheard stuff. Like, it's like, you know, the people who don't tell their kids real things, or they're tired of being asked a question, so they just tell them whatever. But some people don't know until they're older. Like Siggy, Erica Sigerson, you had her on the show? Yeah, yes. You know those sticks that, like, if a car drives so that the electrical charge can't build up, they've got a little bit of a stick that'll go to the ground.

Oh, yeah, like it's like a thing that's hanging off the bumper. It's like a grounding wire. So if you go to gas up, it won't blow up. So somebody, we're driving. Eric is with us. Somebody says, oh, yeah, no, that's so, you know, the electrical charge. He's like, no, it's not. That's so you won't get car sickness.

We just burst out laughing. They gave her a magic Dumbo feather when she was eight because she puked in the car all the time. And she's still leaving it like 20, whatever, how old she was at the time. 26, 28. Yeah. This prevents car. We put this on to prevent car sickness for you, right? Wow.

So she thought she couldn't get car sick. I'm trying to think if there's something like that. Yeah, because I know a guy who up until like a couple years ago uh thought that it was valentine's day like this like but like valen was like like it was a time like he put it in his head like it's like time for valentine's like it's valentine's day like christmas times yeah uh which i thought was adorable yeah yeah we are the same age there are expressions like that that you don't know. Like, you don't know where they come from.

You just don't know what they mean. But Valentine's is not a thing. No, Valentine's isn't a thing. But you would have thought, like, in the time of his life that he would have seen it spelled out or something. And he'd seen La Bamba once. Richie Valentine's Day Down. And he's seen La Bamba once. Richie Valen's time stay down. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us with your overheards, the phone number is 206-339-8328.

Hey, Grant and Dave. This is Christy from Edmonton. This is definitely a voice message and not a fax message. Hopefully. This isn't overheard from Edmonton. Not sure if I already said that.

I'm just walking down White Avenue here and I heard a girl say to her friend, I'm drunker than a chicken sandwich. Do you know what that means? I think I know that girl. Really? I think she's that comic girl from Calgary.

She's all pierced, a little lispy girl. What's her name again at the beginning? She's got this, this sounds exactly like her voice, and she would call in to tell you guys, like. Well, she didn't call back because she called Graham Grant. She called Graham Grant, so she did call back. Let's hear that other call. So, this is Christy from Edmonton again.

I think I might have said Grant instead of Graham. I'm so sorry. Big Graham fan and talking to Grant. Just wanted to get that in there. Big Graham fan. Bye. Yeah, I think you're right. I think that's her. She lives in

Calgary. She's going back to Aventura. She's from you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. She's got blue hair, kind of pierced. She's only about like yay high. Yeah, it does stand up, yeah. That sounds exactly like her, though, doesn't it? Wow, good. I think you're right. Drunker than a chicken sandwich. Absolutely. Heading down White Ave, right?

Not even that great a funny thing. But her. She's been waiting. She's been waiting forever. I liked it. You know, she can hear you. What? Why don't you call me Graham?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is Katie from New York. And I was just walking down the street in New York, and there was a Starbucks across the street from me, and I was sitting next to a couple, one guy and a girl. And I overhear the guy turn to the girl and say, is Starbucks a franchise? And the girl just says, yes. Yes, this date's over.

No, this is the only Starbucks. I had a, not an argument, but like trying to figure out what's the difference between like a chain, like if you had a chain of restaurants and if you had like a franchise. Is that the same thing? Like if you had like three chicken restaurants. Yeah, I don't know because like sometimes you'll look up something like that online, and you'll go to the company's website, and the first thing they have is franchise opportunities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like New York Fries really wanted you to franchise in New York Fries. Planet Hollywood really wanted you. Yeah, I think that was a chain. But I think a chain is like a control freak guy owns it, right? Well, that's what I think of franchises, isn't it? No, no.

A franchise, I think, is like they'll sell it, and then you buy it, and they still sort of control it, but you run it. But I think a chain is like a family thing where like, oh, hey, Graham, welcome to the family. We're going to let you run the Tallahassee shop on our pants and dance and leather scorpion cage clean and four man, whatever he was, shop. But do you think that was Colonel Sanders was ahead of a chain or was that a franchise? Here's what I think. It's the same thing. I feel like it might be the same thing. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Did we have the number for that girl that said, yeah, I know she's in New York. Yeah. Yeah. The one who said, yeah. Um, yeah,

maybe it is. I think people use it interchangeably because it's interchangeable chain and France. Well, yeah, I think, I think you're right. I get to go. Yeah.

I think you got my vote on this one. I think we got to the bottom of that. You got my vote on this one. But I think, well, like, isn't a chain though? Like,

like if you had a chain of retail stores, like you don't franchise, uh, uh, Sears. Right. That's a chain of retail stores, like you don't franchise Sears. Right. That's a chain of stores. But like Burger King is a franchise where like a family like this is the Smith's Burger King. Yeah, yeah.

But like you're not like this isn't like the Polanski's Sears, right? Like it's just Sears. Well, there's a Robux. Yeah, well. Guys, it's up for debate well there's a robux yeah well yeah guys it's up for debate that's all i'm saying the important thing is we have no idea what we're talking about we're never gonna get to the bottom of it no all right all right and here's your final overheard uh hi this is simone from the detroit area with an overheard for you um i was walking down the street on a pretty windy day, and I saw these two girls, they were in their late teens, who were walking in the direction opposite me.

One of them had her hand over her eye and was clearly just pissed off at the world, and her friend was desperately trying to hold in laughter. And I thought that Almost Laughing Girl was going to make it, too, because she was calming down. She had nearly all of, she'd gained pretty much all of her composure by the time she was passing me. But right as she was passing me, she decided to just give up, busted out laughing, and turned to her eye-covering friend and just said, You don't spit into the wind. Yeah. Some lessons you got to learn the hard way. I like that one.

Yeah. That was, that was a very thorough setup. Painted a picture. Yeah. That is. That's the way. Joke 101.

That's my setup. That's Damon's setup. But it's one big laugh at the end, but I like the way that she's got like. And Simone. Very windy day. From Detroit, like, sounds like a real... Not from Detroit.

Detroit area. Detroit area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because nobody lives downtown. No. In Detroit. You've seen Detroitopia. What?

What's Detroitopia? Have you been there? Hockey Town? I've never been to Detroit. No, Graham dreams of going to the Rust Belt. Yeah. Yeah. Detroit, Cleveland, Rochester. Yep, absolutely. hockey town i've never been to detroit no graham dreams of going to the rust belt yeah yeah detroit cleveland uh yep absolutely um what was the other one uh you get a franchise there milwaukee no where the the wire was set baltimore baltimore yeah sure i want to go to all these places back

in the 70s they used to still have tv shows set out of milwaukee that's right i think like fonzie and laverne and shirley and are from Milwaukee. I think there's a statue of Fonzie in Milwaukee, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next to some jukebox. If Rocky's in Philly, then I can't see why they wouldn't have Fonzie. That's a sad comment on our time, that we don't have

anybody good enough. Well, Detroit has Robocop. Yeah, I donated money to that. No, they don't. They got a statue of Robocop over there? Yeah, they did. It's pronounced Robot Cop. And who knew they were right? Back in RoboCop, that it was going to decay so bad. Oh, Robot Cop.

That they would need RoboCops. Well, they haven't built the cop yet. But the city's right. The city is about like, I like this. You're like, no, RoboCop predicted it. Oh, I'm sorry. RoboCop came on with all of it. You got robots there.

I've been calling him Robot Cop. It's Robot it. Oh, I'm sorry. Robocop came on with all of it. You got robots there. I've been calling him Robot Cop. It's Robot Cop. Oh, see? Valentine's over here. He's the cop who's been in a rowboat. Now, that does bring us really authentically to the end of the show. Now, Damon, if people want to find you online or if they want to find out tour dates or whatnot, where should people go? Well, they can go to DamonSchrider.com.

Not updated as of now. Updated? You've got a whole week? Yeah, I've got a whole week of stuff going on. But you've got five days. But I also did the special. Same thing you did. I don't even know where that...

The stand-up comedians? The stand-up comedians. Yeah. You can go find me on... Damon Schrider, is it an hour-long special? It's the same as your... Yeah, whatever. We're an hour, hour, same place.

It's standupcomedians.com. It's... What was yours called? Just Live at the Biltmore. And mine was? It was Live at the Biltmore. It was the Waldorf. Sorry.

Live at the Waldorf 2. T-O-O. Remember we talked about it? I asked you. You gave me permission to call it. Yeah. Live at the Waldorf. We're both Teen Wolf fans.

Okay. And look who's talking fans. So, yeah, you can find me there. Nice. Now, Dave, anything to plug? No. You do, though. I sure do.

Absolutely. This coming week, the 15th. Ring-a-ding-dong-dandy at the Little Mountain Gallery. A show wherein comedians watch wrestling clips and make jokes during it. And also in June 28th and 29th, it'll be in Regina, Saskatchewan. Wow. Late June. Yeah. Late June. Late June. Yeah.

Late June. Just a real easy time. You know, lots of gingham everywhere. Gingham as far as the eye can see. Sweet tea and falling in love. Right? Sure. Well, I better plug one thing for your Seattle listeners.

I'll be there at Laughs in Kirkland. I can't tell the exact time because your calendar here still says April. But being that it's May, what's the weekend? The 20s, whatever in the 20s there. The 24th? 24th.

Nice. I'll be down there. Laughs in Kirkland. And if you've never seen Damon Schroeder live, do yourself a favor and do so because very,

very funny man. And catch that wrestling thing that Graham's in. I think I'm going to go down and watch that because that sounds like hilarious. It's hilarious. I saw your picture thing of it.

I didn't know it was actually you were doing wrestling. I thought you were just doing a crazy promo poster. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, I'm not actually wrestling, but there will be wrestling aplenty. So Graham, catch Graham wrestling. Making his wrestling debut. Wrestling for the title. And also go over to MaximumFun.org.

Check out the blog recap post that Dave does each and every week. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Yeah, we'll have – Something to do with truckers. Yeah, truckers and monkeys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We'll picture Clyde doing the –

Yeah. Right, doing Clyde. Yeah, absolutely. DJing the bear. And videos aplenty, I'm sure. Of things. Yeah. Oh, what was the convoy?

Yeah. Get me a picture of a scorpion cage in there, just so I can see the cleaning technique of scorpion cage. I need to see that. I'll write that down. Yeah, or the Scorpion King starring The Rock. Oh, yeah. Unforgettable.

Was Aaliyah in that? Oh, yeah. If at first you don't succeed. No, no, I'm thinking of something else. Ah, right. But similar. Yeah, the Queen of the Damned. Ah, perfect.

We did it. I might be wrong. Don't write me. If you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.