Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 270 - Brett Martin

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

Comedian Brett Martin joins us to talk cowboys, furnace jingles, and mayor stuff.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 270 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's wearing Edmonton Eskimos or University of Alberta Bears socks. Green and yellow, green and yellow, green and yellow. Yeah.

Mr. Dave Shumka. A lot of places use this color combination. The Brazil Soccer Squadron. Yep. Green Bay Packers. Yep. It's kind of an ugly this color combination. The Brazil Soccer Squadron. Yep. Green Bay Packers. Yep. It's kind of an ugly combo. Isn't there a basketball team that uses green and yellow? Oh, boy.

The Sonics used to. Oh, yeah. The Seattle Super Sonics. Yeah. Super Sons. Mm-hmm. And that voice you heard, that bassy, radio-ready voice is our guest today. Very funny comedian.

First time here on the podcast, Mr. Brett Martin is joining us. Hello. Hey, thanks for being our guest. Happy to be here. This is great. We're happy to have you. This is great. Things are happening.

Yeah, yeah. We're doing great. Everyone's great. Yeah. There was no, you know, uncomfortable incident before the show that we need to talk about. All that 10 minutes we were just staring at it. Yeah, that was weird. It's better now.

It's better now. Yeah, we've all loosened up now, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, lordy. Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. Now, Brett, you tour all over Canada. And this weekend you're working in town.

And I saw on Facebook that you were doing a show. And there was a special guest in the audience. There was, yeah. Well, special is a bit of a stretch of the word. But, yeah, I didn't know until after the fact. But one of the Real Housewives of Vancouver was on the show. Which one? I don't know.

I have no idea. You could line up like 10 women. I'd have no idea which one was there. How did you find out that that was the case? After the show, one of the waitresses came up to me. She's like, did you know one of the Real Housewives was here? I have no idea. She said, yeah, if you did your joke, she stormed out. Wow.

So were you doing joke about the Real Housewives? Specifically about The Real Housewives Yeah Wow So joke I've been doing For a while And it's

I mean it's a foul joke But It's just basically Describing my feelings on them And it's weird Because I mean it really Is just gratuitous Awful language

But it's the one time When it can use that And people applaud Yeah yeah Right right And then so did the joke And you know Did what it did

And then I go on with the show And you didn't notice Any different Like you you didn't, the audience didn't seem to be like, there's a Real Housewife. I don't think anyone knows who they are. No, it's true. Is that a Real Housewife or like a Waitress at Denny's? I can't tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I could tell.

It's not specifically about the local one though, is it? It is specifically about the local one, yeah. Oh, have you seen the show? I saw five minutes of it, enough to write the joke. Yeah. Wow. What are the odds that, like, I mean, that you would have a joke about a thing, and the person from that thing would be in the audience, and you wouldn't know?

It's perfect. Would you have done it if you knew? Yes. Really? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, you write jokes like that hoping that they hear it. Like, that's the whole point.

It's sort of like some jokes have pointed targets, and that definitely is one of them. That's true. It's my whole ten minutes about Billy Crystal. There's one day. I got a chunk about Ogopogo. That is fantastic. Yeah. And it's really unlikely, because if you've ever seen the show, I didn't really watch the first season, but I was addicted to the second season.

I feel very manly right now. My leg's folded like a leg. They go to these places like these clubs and restaurants in vancouver that i've never heard of that like i'm pretty sure only exist for while the show is happening and they've all got weird names like we're going to eel yeah we're going to elbow yeah we're gonna yeah like it's just but stuff that like you say you've never heard of yeah the whole reason i tuned into the show in the first place was to see oh where are where are they going to go? Like what places that I know do these kinds of people go to?

They go to places that don't exist? Yeah, that's – And comedy clubs. Yeah. Yeah, it's really weird that they would go because I feel like reality TV has a relationship with comedy clubs where they'll get one of the members of the cast of the reality TV show. Like I want to do stand-up, and then they go, and they use footage from one of the other comedians of the evening getting laughs and insert that into their set.

Have you ever been involved in anything like that, like a reality TV comedy show, anything like that? No, not like that. This is the closest reality TV experience I've had. That's probably as close as you want to get, right? Yeah, I think so. It was good enough. Well, I'm sure that she just left

because if there's one thing I know about these Real Housewives, they hate drama. They claim to hate drama. They go super quiet, they just want to read a book. Yeah. Yeah, did she like ask for a refund or something? Nothing. Nothing.

I was expecting that there might be some sort of phone call complaint. I was like, well, maybe she'll sue me or something. I don't know. Oh, that would have been the greatest. Oh, it would have been great. Like fights with the Real Housewives would have been fantastic. Yeah. I'd be just as catty as they would.

I'd just get right into it. But yeah, no such luck. I think she's probably just, she forgot about it. She's probably got some other, I don't know, whatever they do. She's got to go do it tonight. Yeah, what do they do? Like outside of the show? Well, they're housewives, so they do a lot of cooking and cleaning.

So most of the show is about like upkeep. Looking after kids and animals. Yeah, home economics. How to use pledge. But like, because I've only seen one episode of the vancouver one i've seen a couple episodes of the whatever's the original one the orange county uh desperate housewives yeah that's right and like they all own their own uh like businesses quotes businesses like they're but they're all stuff like i sell you know like sell jewelry for alligators or some dumb thing

like that that can't make money. Here is who's on the Vancouver one. There's one person who is a Russian lady who many times tells you she's not a mail-order bride. That's a sign she is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like, why do you keep bringing it up? Two denials is all you need after that.

Now Dostoevsky protests too much. Oh, rough. There's one. Oh, and she's like an art dealer. So that's a made up job. Yeah, because like, what does an art dealer do? Like, hey, we got, we've got too much art. All the new Leonardo da Vinci's are in.

I'm slashing prices on art. We've got a whole warehouse full of art. We've got Elvis's in various velvets. The new da Vinci's. Then there's a lady who owns a shop in North Vancouver. A fur shop? Is that where? She sells fur.

Oh, yeah, because someone threw red paint on her store. Really? In real life, yeah. But was that like, that must have been on the show. No, it was after the show. This show is the worst. I know, all the good things. It's like storming out a comedy club.

That's hilarious. Get red paint on your story. That's hilarious. There's a two thing not documented by like, that's all these people exist for. That's real. That's real right there. This is real stuff. The thing I saw on the show is they went to Grouse Mountain.

They're in the cable cart. Yeah. And they got like high heels and dresses on going to the top of a mountain. Like, really? Like, that's how you're going to go to a mountain? Yeah. Yeah. But that's what we call in Vancouver the Grouse Grind.

You take your highest, spikiest heels. Your stiletto-iest. Yeah. A lot of makeup. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It's important to look good on top of a mountain.

Well, yeah. That's where I go to judge people. Yeah. There's a nature preserve there, and you don't want the bears to get the wrong idea. Yeah. But you do want two rams to fight over you. Yeah. So there's a lady that owns a shop that has fur in it, and then a lady who's an art dealer, and then—

Then there's a lady who—her business is, oh, they swapped them between seasons. But this season, there was a lady whose business was she wanted to start her own line of kombucha tea. Which is just tea that tastes really bad. It's like tea that goes bad, isn't it? With that film that sits on top of it? Yeah, like pudding skin. Yeah. It's delicious.

That's why I want my drink. Skin. People make their – I know somebody who has made their own kombucha and you have to get like – they call it like a mother seed or something. Oh, like the queen bee of tea. Yeah, yeah. And like you put it in and it's like a yeast or something and it's like an actual living thing. And that's where you get the tea. It's really like I've seen it and it's like it's very Total Recall. Like it's very or very The Matrix, right? Like you just have these like floating blobs that are like energy sources. Life in your fridge. Yeah.

The next lady, I believe the next one on the list is, I don't know what her business is. She's an alcoholic. Oh, yeah. Who brings up the fact that she's an alcoholic all the time, but doesn't let anyone else bring it up when she's drinking. She's the queen's booze tester. And then the final one is a pop star no one's heard of. Can you be a pop star if nobody's heard of you? Yeah, maybe not a pop star, like a pop singer maybe would be a better. Yeah, apparently she was a star in like the early 90s and now she's 20 years older.

Is it Alanis Morissette? Yeah. It would be really funny if there was one of the housewives on the show that was like just like an engineer or something and like could never show up for the things because she's like, I got to work. Like, you know, just showing up at the very end of the party like, sorry, I had to stay late. Or someone like who owns a business that actually takes up any of their time. Yeah. their time yeah like uh but it's the the the uh show has all it's like all rich husbands right that's the basic premise i mean some of the women i have the feeling are do can do okay on their own and some of them are kept yeah uh well congratulations on uh offending one of them are kept. Yeah. Well, congratulations on offending one of them.

Yeah. That's like a big personal victory. Yeah, that's a gold star in my book. Do you have anything like that in the realm of- Do you have a book of gold stars? Like, do you have things like that where you're like, oh, if I ever got like, oh, if something like that just happened, that would be amazing.

Or if there was a comedy video game that had all these accomplishments. Unlocked a huge achievement there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is like, because like you say, there are times when, you know, like you would like to, like you just hated somebody so much from afar and then like to get the opportunity to tell them to their face. It's like, ah. that's just always been the way I sort of wrote jokes.

Like I remember the first time I had that sensation and like when I was first starting, I joke with minivans. I hated some reason 20 year old Brett hated minivans, hated minivan drivers was the most important thing in the world. And all I wanted was minivan owners to be in the crowd so I could just like, just punish them

like you stupid jerks in your minivans. And in time that's evolved and refined into now hating housewives real housewives yeah yeah yeah not actual housewives um now what else did 20 year old Brett oh yeah he seems like he he was pretty anti-establishing yeah he sounded like a young Holden Caulfield this kid he was like you phonies and you're dumb minivans and old Holden Caulfield, this kid. He was like, you phonies and your dumb minivans. And old Holden Caulfield. And your giant vehicles with sliding doors. Yeah, those really got me mad.

I hated jobs at the time. Yeah. That was a big axe to grind. Hated cowboys and country music. Oh, sure, because you were in Calgary. Yeah, I had to stand the anti-cowboy stance there. Yeah. Not an easy one to carry. No, no, there's a lot of bombs you were in Calgary. Yeah, I had to stand the anti-cowboy stance there. Yeah. Not an easy one to carry.

No, no, there's a lot of bombs early on in the career. It took a while for things to get right to leave Calgary, basically. Now, we talk about Calgary, your hometown, as being like the Texas of Canada. Yeah. But there aren't, like, people, cowboy people on a daily basis walking the streets, are there? Yes and no. Yeah. Depends on the street and depends on.

Like, people will put on their cowboy gear for events, to go to the club. Yeah, yes. There are cowboy bars in Calgary. Or they'll, like, get dressed up and go to Home Depot for the weekend. Like, that's their sort of gear. Right, right, right. Because I don't know your experiences, but I didn't see any, like, the real cowboys live in, like, Black Diamond. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where there are cows. Yeah, where there are cows and fields and tractors. Yeah. But these guys, they get all dressed up, and then they go to, like, Sears. Hey, all right, look, I'm a cowboy, but you're not. It's like I joke about it. I like outer space. I can't go dress like an astronaut and just walk around.

You can. Well, I can, but then people call me insane. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, they – Which of the village people, like do you think there were ones they tried out before they settled on cowboy construction worker? Sure. Biker gay and Native native american yeah mermaid yeah i was gonna say scuba diver because they didn't have anything that represented the ocean

um you know what else like mountain climber like something where it's just like a lot of layers. A lot of gear. Yeah. Prospector. Yeah, prospector. Or like just a job, like a chef. Yeah, the village people, they used to be like a collective, like broken social scene. There were 25 of them. Yeah, there was a bellhop.

There was one guy that was dressed as a french maid because that was all that the concert there was one guy dressed like godzilla but with the godzilla head on yeah but they couldn't call it godzilla so he was uh japanese attack monster Yeah, like the – I guess in Calgary like – I'm trying to think of where would you like see – because I was recently in Calgary and on two separate occasions I saw guys like in full cowboy – Regalia? Yeah, but they weren't going – we weren't anywhere cowboy-ish per se. It was just like just out in just on a street. So it's not – like here it would be weird. Like if you saw a guy dressed like a cowboy, you'd be like, oh, he's a hired performer or a movie shooting in town or something.

Or he's simple. Yeah. Yeah. What is, are there like, you know how, I don't know if this is even a thing in the real world, but in movies or TV, someone will go to a fancy restaurant and they're not wearing a jacket. So they give them a jacket. In Calgary at fancy restaurants, do they give you a cowboy hat or like a lasso? Yeah, they give you a belt buckle yeah i'm sorry sir we're uh yeah this is a you may notice there's sawdust on the floor this is a cowboy only state establishment um when i was in you said uh black diamond which is a small

town just uh south so yeah and uh just outside of black diamond there's a place that's like a church it's called like the cowboy church oh and it's just like it's out in the middle of a field and i guess you would have to wear like fancy cowboy sunday clothes right like a bolo tie and uh that like um like a blazer with nigg skin cowboy boots that's like leather on yeah with leather on top yeah and then like the pockets would be rounded with arrows pointing. A lot of embroidery. Gentlemen. Yeah.

You can wear your nudie suit. Yeah, absolutely. Well, only if you're going to perform a CCR cover that's about Jesus. It's changed to reflect. Born in a manger. You are a fortunate son. But yeah,

so like, did you ever go to any of the cowboy bars when you were in Calgary? Maybe the Ranchman's. Yeah, yeah. Cowboys. Because cowboys used to have like 25 cent draft night on Wednesdays. So when you're 20 years old, that's like you got $10 is the best time of my life how big are the cups oh it's tiny yeah it's like a juice glass yeah it's juice but there'd be so many uh just uh juice glasses of

beer laying around you're a kid you don't care like 20 year old brett didn't get it fuck minivan did you know uh there's this one bar that had been in calgary like the whole time i was alive and it's just like closing down now like the last time i was there which was a couple weeks ago the back alley the back alley is closing yeah really yeah which was like people got shot there and like there's been so many beatings over the years and you were like the crack alley was sort of the the nickname for it? Yeah. And it was like really like if you went there on kind of like a Friday night, it was all

just kind of like the meat market, but like the down market. Expired meat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like buy it and go home and cook it right away. Cook it for a long time. Yeah, so apparently it's closing.

A big sign out front like, thanks for, I don't know, it's been around for like, you know, 30 years. As long as I can remember it's been there. Yeah. Wow. But yeah, it was just always like on Monday morning when there would be like, you know, the news, there was always stabbing victim at the back alley. Yeah, that's a thing here too. Yeah. Like there's always yeah stabbing victim at the back alley yeah that's the thing here too yeah like there's always stabbings here yeah in the summertime especially like it's a good time for stabbing yeah in the in the club district and during the fireworks yeah it's

true and it's easier to stab people i think in the summer because like people wear heavy coats yeah in the winter and then just feathers come out. Yeah. And yeah, so then you moved out here. You've been out here for a while. About six years now. Can I ask you something? You can. Now that you're older, wiser, what do you feel about minivans?

Yeah. How do you feel about minivans now? I'm still not a fan of them. Really? Yeah. I mean, they're spacious. I've rented one and, you know, it's nice to be high up on the road like that. It has its pluses. Sometimes they have DVD players.

Ooh, yeah. That's true. When you rented the minivan, did you feel like you were selling out, young Brett? Well, yeah, I wasn't happy about it. I didn't rent it. I rented like the midsize. Just give me the cheap one. And they're like, oh, we're all out.

So we'll give you a free upgrade. And free upgrade means we ran out of the car you rented. Right. We're going to give you the more expensive one. So I was all mad with the gas. I'm like, ah, minivan, stupid. But I'm like, actually, it's pretty nice. It handles pretty well.

I'm really high up on the road. I feel like a little bus. And then, actually, I liked it. I'll be honest with you. It's like king of the road. Just all, this is awesome. Well, next time you got a birthday coming up. Maybe we'll get you a minivan.

That is kind of a nice roundness to that story. The rebellion and then the acceptance. I saw a commercial recently for the Dodge Caravan. And it was like, for 29 recently for the dodge caravan and it was like for 29 years the dodge caravan and i was like oh it has been like it was a real 80s thing wasn't it yeah it's been around as long as the back alley i guess before that it was like the only vans were panel vans yeah yeah which were meant like which were meant for the exact opposite of having like a family it was meant for just loners.

Still interested in kids, but for a different reason. Or like a guy who wants to steal pallets. Or an A-team. Yeah, it's true. That's funny how the van went from like the, oh, what's wrong with you, to like, oh, you're a good family man. Yeah, you like soccer. How the van went from like the, oh, what's wrong with you? To like, oh, you're a good family man having a van.

You like soccer. And there was a mid-time, like, because in the 60s, right? Like the van was like, that was like the hippie, you know, like if you had a van. The VW van. Yeah, you were in a van. And in the 70s, it was like the van with shag carpet on the floor. Yeah, having like sex in a van. And like a space scene painted on the side. Yeah.

And like a space scene painted on the side. Yeah. I think probably the A-Team was the last time that like a van was like, you know, marketed as like a cool way to get around. Because everything else past that has been like just all murderos. Because – but yeah, like when I was – when I had first – had my driver's's license that's what i had to drive around was a minivan yeah well you you and i wouldn't have gotten along back in the day yeah you would have seen me i'm the minivan guy that was my original uh name in stand-up comedy yeah driver gloves take them off slowly. All right, everybody. Hey, everybody. What's this?

Toyota Previa. I walk out on stage for my special. It's a sliding door. Smoke billows out. It's that minivan guy. Sit down in a captain's chair that swivels. It's that minivan guy. Sit down in a captain's chair that swivels.

We had a Toyota van when I was a kid, and those middle row of chairs was on swivels. Whoa. So you could face backwards. Oh, that'd be fun as a kid. Yeah. Oh, boy. Think of the car sickness. Yeah.

Is there anything else like that from when you were 20-year-old Brett that you've just like, you've got job now? No, not really. You're a stand-up comedian. That doesn't really count. Yeah, there's not a job. You've got job now. That's my caveman interviewing style. You've got job now. I work, yes.

And anything else going on? Just, are you heading out of town next week? Yeah. I'm heading to the interior, do some shows there. Then, uh, off to LA early in the month. Oh, cool. What are you doing in LA? I got some shows down there.

So. Nice. Yeah. Just, uh, start making that happen. I think it's time for me to, you know, not be in Canada so much anymore. You've burned a lot of bridges. Yeah, there's very few left

and I want to retain them. So I'm just going to leave. I'll be performing for the Real Housewives of Orange County. Yeah, exactly. I just got to hit all the spots and then I'm going to Atlanta.

Atlanta is going to be good. Have you ever been to LA before? Yeah, yeah, I went last year. Nice. Yeah. I just love it as a city.

I mean, just for a place to put a city is awesome. Yeah. Way to go. Location, location, location. Exactly. Well, good luck in LA, man. Thank you. It's hot.

It's too hot. It's too hot in LA. Yeah. You should go in December. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went in January last time.

So, I mean, it was a little more moderate. Like shorts in January was just, oh, it was a blessing. Yeah. You're going to be there. What? you should go in December. Yeah, I went in January last time, so it was a little more moderate. Shorts in January was just a blessing. Yeah, you're going to be there, what, June? Yeah, June. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah. It's dry, though. Yeah, go to a dermatologist

and have a layer of skin taken off. Just like, so you don't layer up. Layer down as much as you possibly can. I was going to bring a sweater. No, no, don't bring a sweater. Don't bring a shirt. Yeah. No, I should bring a shirt.

That'll help. No, bring a shirt to get through security. Then throw it in the car just like in your throat. Do you think they look for that if somebody like goes through security and then just throws away a garment? When, before they get on the plane? Yeah, yeah. They probably. Do they look for that?

Yeah. They must be looking for something. You don't have to look. Like, you don't have to look hard. Oh, there's a shirtless guy. Somewhere. Yeah. Do you have to wear a shirt on a plane?

Is that a rule? Because I don't think I've ever seen a shirtless guy on a plane when I think about it. Well, they won't serve you. No penis for you. You put a shirt on, buddy. Peanuts? Did you say that? Okay.

I hope so. Dave, what's going on with you? Guys, I've discovered my new favorite commercial jingle. Oh, finally. What was the last one? Well, you know how there's big companies that do like, Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I love it at McDonald's. We're not sponsored right now.

But then there's local companies that are just like, We're a vacuum company and we have our own jingle. Yeah, like Alarm Force. Yeah, 1-800-267-2001. Alarm Force. Yeah. 1-800-267-2001. Alarm Force. Today. Oh, wait, that's Empire. Yeah.

And then there's like Broco Auto Glass. Go for Broco. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot of car ones. Budget, Brake, and Muffler. Yeah, Budget, Budget, Budget, Brake, and Muffler. Your car.

We're having a lot of fun. And they all have, like, a band playing with a guy singing on top. But I heard one for a company or a thing that I didn't even know did commercials or even existed. And it had no music in the background, and it was done in kind of the style of before microphones existed, like before crooners, it was the kind of thing, like you would have a singer come to your salon and sing. Like Oscar Wilde would listen to this.

Would you? Would you hire singers just coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This haircut's missing something. I don't think that's the kind of salon I meant. It was for a website called bcfurnace.com. And it was just bcfurnace.com and it was just bcfurnace.com

BC's number one choice. Is it just a website with facts about furnaces? Well, I looked it up because I loved this song and I thought it was so ballsy to just not even have musical accompaniment,

just one guy. It's too important. You don't want to drown it out. Yeah. It's true. It is its number one choice. So I Googled it. I mean, at bcfartist.com, you don't have to actually Google it.

You can just type it into the address bar. But I went on YouTube to see if, like, they had a clip of this song. Did you bring a clip? Or there's a music video for it or something. And there wasn't. But I did find a commercial from like 20 years ago before dot coms existed. And it was this like super cheap local commercial for furnaces. And it's like a really awkward guy on camera telling you about

we do furnaces and he's got kind of like a irish accent or something right he's he's not local and he had the greatest name i've ever heard in my life uh the guy from the bc furnace society his name is bane vardy oh wow that's serious. Not Bane like Batman Bane. B-A-Y-N-E. Oh, wow. Vardy. Bane Vardy. Yeah, I like it.

I like it a lot. That's like a band name. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody, we're Bane Vardy. Whoa. What does that mean? He's a furnace guy.

Guru. Bane Vardy all this week at the back alley. And so I went to bcfurnace.com. I couldn't find a clip of the song, but I went to bcfurnace.com, and Bane Vardy is still in business. Oh, wow. 20 years later, he's in charge of bcfurnace.com. And then on their webpage, they have their Twitter account for pcfurnace.com. And it's someone's personal Twitter account.

Like, it doesn't have anything about furnaces on there. And it's like a young, it's like, the only stuff I saw on their Twitter account was like, I'm trying to get into this daft punk album, but I'm not really enjoying it. It's because there's too many instruments in it. That's why. It just likes just vocals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the acapella furnace music website.

That one furnace song of the whole thing. That would be great if that's what the website was. It was just songs about furnaces. No instruments, just songs about furnaces. So that was my week. Wow! I basically... Seven days. So that was my week. Wow. I basically... Like seven days.

Yeah. Follow the money. Bane Vardy, still in business. Do you think it's possible that Bane Vardy is the guy singing? I do. I absolutely do. Wow. I think...

Like, I kind of want to email him and be like, hey... I wouldn't be like, are you the guy singing the song? I would be like, oh, I really I heard your song on the radio. Where can I get a copy? Who sings it? Yeah. It's so good. I work in radio and I'm interested.

Yeah. I want to interview the man behind bcfurnace.com. This seems like something that would appear on like a blog where like, I hunted down Bane Vardy. You know, like he becomes like the Daniel Johnston kind of character. Like he's got all these songs. He's the Winnebago man. Yeah. Like there's been people in like all these kind of all four corners of the continent been listening to Bane Vardy for years.

They're like, I didn't know Bane vardy was a real guy he just sings about like furnaces and appliances mostly for websites yeah sometimes he sings about websites um no instruments just vocals and there's one mysterious guy oh don't don't you don't want to know about bane vardy yeah yeah quit asking me about bane vardy and Yeah, yeah. Quit asking me about Bain Vardy. And it's Bain Vardy. Yeah, absolutely. Spoiler alert.

That was Bain Vardy. Yeah, exactly. The old man sitting on the porch was Bain Vardy the whole time. Oh, wow. Coming to tune. Fixing a furnace. His first album was called Pilot Light. Keeping things warm.

Yeah, that was his christmas album keeping things warm oh wow close the door what are we heating the whole neighborhood what are we heating the whole neighborhood he does one last concert. He performs in salons. Yeah. Your haircut looks nice. The Vardy tones. The Vardy. Bane Vardy and the Vardy tones. Good stuff, Dave. So, yeah, that was it for me.

Woo. Well. How about yourself? Well, this week I was, this video of me smoking crack at the internet oh boy oh boy all the weeks yeah yeah oh was it overshadowed yeah it was totally overshadowed um uh that just really has been like the the craziest yeah that's why if people don't know what we're talking about we have a lot of listeners who aren't from around here. It's true.

Toronto's mayor, who we've spoken about frequently on the show because he is quite something. We say that he's kind of like – like if he was going to be played by anybody in Hollywood, we always said Brian Dennehy would be kind of a lock. Although – If he let himself go more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Brian Dennehy isny's much better but also like if there was going to be a comedy version then it would have been chris farley yeah because uh man oh man does he remind me of chris farley and he what are some of the past things he's done that that have um like he well just recently got kicked out of like a veteran's gala. He was all messed up there. That's right.

Yeah. Denied that, but apparently it's true. Didn't he get kicked out of – He got kicked out of his job. Because he like allocated some funds to local footballers. Yeah, he was using like all kind of like office supplies and stuff to like – he was using his position to like – To solicit donorship for his football team. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's had DUIs and his mother has called the police on him. And he called the police on the – there's like a news satire show here called This Hour is 22 Minutes and they showed up on his – On his doorstep. Yeah, on his doorstep and he called the cops and like said like i'm the mayor god damn it and it was like the funniest recording ever and this nice old lady i mean yeah yeah yeah she's not threatening like if she's on your line you're really gonna call the police or and also she's like super famous like it's like it would be in canada like it would be hard to not know what was going on. He also skipped being a part of the pride parade because he wanted to go hang out at his cabin.

He's done a lot of stuff that's not terribly... Yeah, no, he's a character. He's the most detestable guy, but he's... The most recent thing he did kind of won me over. Because, you know Because the big story – and it has been – it was on the – like in the New York Post and like it was on a bunch of websites and it was on CNN. It's around the world now. Yeah, because it's so crazy that somebody was videotaped him with their phone smoking crack. And so

a reporter from Gawker has seen it and two reporters from the Toronto Star have seen it and all confirm like for sure it's him. We can't, you know, they can't say with any 100% conclusion that it's crack that he's smoking. But then his lawyer's

response was like, look, we don't know what substance he was smoking, but then his lawyer's response was like, look, we don't know what substance he was smoking out of this glass vial. That's all the lawyer could come up with? Yeah. Like, not that, no, it wasn't him, or like, this is, you know. It might have been meth, guys. Yeah. Yeah. I'll have you know that Rob Ford smokes heroin.

I'll have you know. He freebases many substances. Anyway, so, you know, he's been pretty quiet about the whole thing. But it's so great. It's phenomenal. The whole – with the buying the video, like the Somali drug lords trying to sell the video to the media for $200,000. I was checking last night. There's a fundraiser.

The Gawker guys, there's up to like $44,000 starting to get sold. Yeah, like just so that like the public can buy it with like an Indiegogo campaign or whatever. Give money to drug dealers. Yeah, yeah. So we can watch a mayor smoking crack. That is true. That is where it's at. Just make it out to drug dealers.

Somali pirates does Indiegogo do a thing where you can or Kickstarter do they have a service that will do a drop off for you do you want to pay them in cash or crack do we have to provide the duffel bag yeah anyway so that's been that was that was like the latter half of the week i'm not done with oh

okay i hope that like every like i hope everything comes out that it's all true and he still gets to stay mayor well there's no way he's not going to be not mayor. I don't think you can kick him out of office for doing – But I hope he gets reelected and stuff. Oh, yeah. He's absolutely going to. This has really put him in touch with the crack foot. Yeah.

He's got that corner down. Yeah. Before, it was like he was really trailing in the illegals. My favorite thing about him. Yeah. Before, it was like he was really trailing in the, you know, illegals. My favorite thing about him, he's like 900 pounds. And he, no, what would you say? He's like 350? Yeah. That's fair.

Yeah. He's very, very short, but very heavyset. Yeah. And he did a, and like, not to make fun of people who are overweight, but this guy is the worst guy. Yeah, yeah. He is the worst guy. It's true. And he did like a thing to lose weight, like a big public.

He's like made a bet or something. Yeah. And at one of the weigh-ins, not the weigh-ins, brothers. He had like this public thing where he had a scale set up and all the press was there. And he was weighing his crack. And he stepped up onto the scale and twisted his ankle and then left, just left. He quit. He quit.

He gave up on that, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, nah, I'm not doing it. Well, there's a really great... You know what's a great way to lose weight? Crack? Yeah. That's what he's doing. He's like, I'm I'm not doing it. Well, there's a really great... You know what's a great way to lose weight? Crack? That's what he's doing. He's like, I'm just trying to get in shape.

This is what everybody's asked me to do. You're doing good. You drove me to this. You drugged me to this. There's a great gif of him trying to throw a football and falling down very Chris Farley style. Oh, and there's a great one of him trying to get out of a press conference and walking face first into a camera. Like really face first.

And he gets so mad and then he storms out of the building. It's just, yeah, he's the greatest. Yeah. Well, I mean, like our mayor's okay, but he's a little, he's a little granola-y. Yeah. Well, he makes organic juice for a living. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not going to have a lot of crack scandals with him.

It's like, are those real organic blueberries? I mean, I guess our mayor's okay, but I kind of would prefer... Because mayor is such a job that's not important. It's pretty important. But I mean, it's not... You're in charge of garbage pickup. But guys, garbage pickup but guys

garbage pickup if it didn't happen you'd know yeah yeah yeah so that was the second half of the week that was the second half of the week in the first half of the week we had an election in our province we elected Bain Vardy

the new premier of British Columbia a furnaceia manitowoc first is now everywhere a furnace in every house um so like uh basically what happened in the election here was uh one party was predicted to win by a landslide and the other party won like that by a kind of a landslide by kind of a landslide and the one kind of thing that was that came out of it was that the leader of the winning party didn't win her seat her own riding yeah which is funny like it's just it's it's funny if it happened to either party it's as funny and uh so i was watching uh the results i was at a pizza slice place and there was the results on the TV. And like the person that I voted for in my riding won, which has never happened ever in my history of voting.

Nobody I've ever voted for has won. Vardy. Yeah. Vardy. So I was like, I was like, yay. And this couple walked in and they saw me celebrating. They gave me like a high five. And then because they looked at me and then they looked at the TV and then they gave me a high five.

And we were all like, yay, this is great. Yay, democracy. And then I saw that the party leader didn't win her own seat. And a guy that I know won the seat, David Eby, who's a great guy. And he won the seat. And I was like, oh, man, that's awesome. David Eby won the seat. And it turned out that the people thought that they were looking at a different result

than I was. And so the two people were like, oh, if we knew that you voted that way, we wouldn't have high-fived you. That's what they said to me. They took back the high-five. Yeah, they said, I take back my high-five. And I said, well, I can't believe I touched you. And I walked out.

So that was weird. I've never had a conversation like that before. Couldn't they tell by looking at you that you weren't ideologically similar? Also, yeah, they came in. He was wearing a suit, and she was wearing a very fancy dress. Why were they at the pizza place? We're turning this into a parking lot. We are paving paradise, a pizza place.

Anyways, yeah, so that was the week in Canadian politics. Oh, yeah. Have you ever had, like, I guess that's kind of a rare thing where you accidentally are celebrating the opposite things? Yeah. I guess that's the only time that's ever happened. It's never happened to me.

I wouldn't go out of my way to say, like, I'm taking that high five back. Yeah. Just let the good energy be. Yeah, it was like we had a real, like, when have you ever been that, like, excited about democracy? Never.

Or, like, voting. Well, the Mayor Ford thing about democracy? Never. Or like voting. Well, the Mayor Ford thing. Yeah, that's right. Oh, boy. So, yeah. So that's – it's like if that ever happens to anybody out there, don't – yeah, like Brett says, just let the good vibe happen. Don't turn it into a political dialogue. It's pizza.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was a pizza party. It was literally a pizza party. Well, should we move on to overheards? Yeah. Yeah. You know that feeling you get when you hear a song that you just love?

What about a new movie or a new book or a TV show? I'm Jesse Thorne. My show Bullseye points to the good stuff in popular culture, the kind of stuff that will change your life. In-depth interviews with cultural creators, critics' picks for the best new releases, and a weekly recommendation from yours truly. It's Bullseye with me, Jesse Thorne, from MaximumFun.org and PRI. over heard overheards a segment in which uh if you're out in the world now graham shut up yes

sir i love overheards i think they're great we overhear things we talk about them absolutely whatever dave shut up okay now usually this would be a great place to do some Hulk Hogan news, but... That's lame. He is quiet. Things are happening. All quiet on the... Yeah, in Camp Hogan, but he is not saying what. There's whispers, but hardly anything you would consider a news story.

But in the meantime, last week, a gentleman sent in a police blotter from his small town in Massachusetts. Acton, Massachusetts. And we got another person who, Jason. Also, if you have any funny headlines from your local paper, send those in. We do them on Mondays. This is from the University of Texas. So this is the police department just for the university. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Big cops on campus. Sure. So, like, you know, a lot of stolen laptops, this and that. Yeah. What kind of college crimes? Streaking. Streaking, yeah.

Hazing. This was at the 3300 block, Block Lake, Austin Boulevard, driving while intoxicated. A University of Texas police officer discovered a silver Ford blocking the entrance into Brackenridge Apartments. The female passenger was still – the officer discovered a white male passed out in the driver's seat as well as a passed out passenger. So they drove to their destination and then passed out. Safety first. Absolutely. The officer was able to wake the non-University of Texas driver. Once the driver realized it was the police attempting to wake him, he panicked and for the next 10 minutes repeated, oh, my gosh.

He panicked and for the next 10 minutes repeated, oh, my gosh. Now, what kind of power does a campus police have? I wonder. I feel like in Texas you can probably still get the chair. Yeah, yeah. You can get the chair. But when they say you're getting the chair at a university, it means like you're getting like an esteemed position. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or just in the corner. You got to face the wall. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're getting the small at a university it means like you're getting like an esteem position oh yeah yeah or just in the corner you got to face the wall yeah yeah oh yeah you're getting

the small chair or the big chair but if you're a um if you're a professor and that publish or perish thing they will kill you yeah yeah exactly publish or execution um so this guy repeated oh my gosh and then he let the officer know that he was lactose intolerant, his sister's mentor, as well as an African-American. Well, lactose intolerant, he can do what he wants. Yeah, absolutely. I drank too much milk. Yeah, sorry I got drunk. I can't have milk.

Yeah, I drank too many white Russians. I poured vodka on my cereal. Vodka. This is Jester East Dormitory. With a name like that, shenanigans are imminent. It's right next to shenanigans. It's dormitory. Two future University of Texas students discovered an unknown subject wearing only a pink shirt standing inside their room.

The subject grabbed the student's box of Cheez-It and began marking his personal territory inside the box. So like peeing in the box? I guess so. The students pushed the unknown subject out of their dorm room and notified the UT Police Department. The responding officers were able to follow a wet trail that led to a biohazard-filled box of Cheez-It. Biohazard-filled. Wait, well, who, like, is it, like, who's writing these police reports?

Because they're, they're, they do have, they're colorful. Yeah, yeah, they do have a little journalistic flair. I like how they end up pink in their T-shirt. That was important to know, that detail. Yeah. Oh, there's a guy running around in just a t-shirt, but it's yellow. So he's not the suspect. He's not the guy.

And it's not, he's peeing into a box of Ritz. He's filling up a bugle. Anyways, those were my two favorite. That's, thank you very much, Justin E. Yeah. From the University of Texas. Stay safe down there, too. Yeah, please.

Also, while in Texas, stay bigger. Yeah, and don't forget the Alamo. And also, go easy on that lactose. Yeah, and how about those X's? What are the big college crimes? I mean, I was a resident advisor, so I can tell you that they are. Well, I mean, alcohol poisoning isn't a crime unless you poison someone else. That was a real popular bumper sticker.

Alcohol poisoning is not a crime. It's really hard to poison someone else with alcohol without them knowing. That's true. You can't, like... You're like another Shirley Temple. This tastes off. I've had 15 already, I guess. What else is a college crime?

I don't know. Egging? Yeah. The egg-anings. The stealing of mascots? Oh, yeah, absolutely the stealing of mascots. Now, your own school's mascot or an opposing school's mascot? Anywhere.

It's craziness. Yeah, you're right. Or maybe if you're ruthless, you steal your own. Like, this guy's a nut. Exactly. own school's mascot or an opposing school's mascot oh any or i mean it's craziness yeah you're right especially if you're ruthless you're still your own but like this guy's a nut yeah exactly all bets are out with this guy yeah some people just want to watch the world burn i saw a video um uh online of like kids that uh mixed up like a bunch of uh soapy water and then like slid that down a hallway and then use the hallway as a slip and slide. Oh, sure. There's a fine line between prankster-y and crime.

Yeah. They slid that down that line. Yeah, exactly. The prankster was the original Batman villain. Yeah. And he'd be like, prank me this. Anyway, so there you go. U of T police blotter.

Yeah, U of T. University of Texas. Yeah. Teja. So let's move on to overheards for real. Now, we like to start with the guest. That's our policy here. Well, first of all, honesty is our policy.

It was the best policy. Yeah. You know, an insurance policy is pretty good. Uh-huh. That's on bad, too. So good work. So we'd like to start with our guest, Brett, if you would. Sure.

Yeah, it was a few weeks ago. I was walking down the street. It was like downtown, sunny day, nice day. But let's say a Tuesday afternoon, for argument's sake. Absolutely. And it's a good day, your average, typical day. So I'm walking down the street, and you know, sort of in my own world But you know this when people are walking towards you

So I see this couple And I would strike them as just totally normal people Yeah Dressed normally, nothing outstanding about them So we're walking towards each other And I try not to I try to give people their space I don't want to listen to them or get in their way

So anyways, as they walk by The only, the two words I hear the lady say to the guy is sex offender. I have no idea what else possibly they could be talking about. Why on a Tuesday afternoon, you're deciding to talk about sex offenders. It was a sunny day. Yeah, exactly. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Like what a downer. I just felt bad from this conversation. They could have been talking about their baseball. You know, there could have been the beach is opening soon. There's a lot of things, but they're talking about something to do with sex offenders. I mean, there are sex offenders

at the beach and playing baseball. Yeah, exactly. They enjoy the summertime as much, if not more, than the average citizen. Yeah, no kidding.

It's big time, actually. It makes it easier to offend sexually at that time of year. To offend sexually. I think that's different. That's just when, like, your consensual sex is offensive. That's like to serve and protect.

To offend sexually. Dave, do you have one? Mine is from a local grocery store. Mm-hmm. a local grocery store. There was a dad there with a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son.

And the two-year-old was pushing one of those little kid shopping carts. One of the cute little ones. Customer in training. Yep. And it was like a Tuesday afternoon.

Perfect Tuesday afternoon. perfect Tuesday afternoon super sunny I'm just kidding and it was the dad was kind of like he's like a classic dad like doesn't want to appear to care about his children in public vintage dad

kind of exhausted and the two year old is pushing the cart Vintage dad. Yeah, kind of exhausted. And the two-year-old is pushing the cart, and the five-year-old daughter is like, at the end of this aisle, I get the cart, right, dad? And the dad says, yeah, sure. You hear that, Simon? At the end of the aisle, she's going to get the cart. And then he mutters sounds reasonable enough and then so i sort of watched uh for the change over and at the end of the aisle the little two-year-old lets go to the cart and it it it

you know it keeps rolling a bit and the his sister comes over and takes the cart and then the little boy flips out and tries to get the cart back and she just knocks him down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It made good sense on paper. Yeah. It sounded reasonable, but it ended up not being.

Yeah. It's never, that transition's never going to go smoothly. Kids. That hand over. Yeah. Like it's, the kids are the wild card in that situation. I still, I'll show my girlfriend the way. It was my turn.

Yeah. It was my turn to shop. It's my quarter people like how long was shopping carts been around for like since the 60s say conservatively the 50s wow I'd never considered that like I would guess like the

1500s but I just mean like our culture uh i guess since the supermarket has existed yeah so the like late 40s early 50s okay so we've had enough time as a people as a as a planet to fix this wheel but to get used to uh how they work and like how big they are and how to corner in them people do not people are still just as bad as if they just just rolled them up the like this week well i know it is a like a comedy cliche but they are hard to handle yeah sometimes you get a really bad one i don't know that i've ever had a really good one. That's my, like, I've never had one where I was like, that was great.

I mean, I never used one. That was super value with those two-level ones. Oh, yeah. It's the new model now. Oh, wow. They're nice. It's the Cadillac of shopping carts. So, but like a two-level one, like, no homeless dude can use that to be, like, collecting stuff.

I think that's probably why they did that. Just take your wheels right from the beginning. I've never used one of those, but they do seem like the right size. They're bigger than a basket. Yeah. They're bigger than a bread basket. Yeah, absolutely. But they're smaller than the, you know, the big ones.

Yeah. That's all you need. Agreed. Yeah. They handle well. Yeah. Yeah. Take corners okay. Yeah. Man, it's those corners.. Agreed. Yeah. They handle well. Yeah. Yeah. Take corners.

Okay. Yeah. And it's those corners. People really. Do they take them too fast? They take them too crazy. Like they're not like they're not like a ship. They don't need that much turning radius.

I'm surprised you don't hear more people in a grocery store going, whoa, whoa, whoa. in a grocery store going, whoa, whoa, whoa. You would if it was like, if people were conscious that they were bad at it. They'll just let the thing just sail into a shelf or anything that will just stop it naturally. Because there's four walls, right? They can't go forever. So just let it roll until it stops, right? Yeah. Plus, once you get to the edge of the parking lot, the brake seizes up apparently.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a new thing. That's like the biggest innovation. Like the radio controlled? I don't know. It's like one of those electric fences with a dog collar. Once you pass the edge of the parking lot, your cart becomes electrified. Do you have an overheard?

I have something that I overseen. Now, this week I was working a lot on the computer, so I was using the streaming section. I was using a mouse. I was using a mouse, and I was at a computer, and I was listening to CBC Music. Oh, my employer. Your employer. And they have different music streams that you can pick from, right? Rock and pop and whatever.

And so I was listening to like jukebox favorites, right? And every song that comes up. Songs from the beginning of the shopping cart era. Absolutely. Songs mostly about shopping carts. And furnaces. Yeah. Shopping cart quartets.

Gonna get my baby, in brackets, a baguette from the grocery store. Shopping cart quartets. Gonna get my baby, in brackets, a baguette from the grocery store. So this is all the, like it would say what era the song was from, the name of the artist who made the song, and then the name of the song. And do you know the song, it's Sly and the Family Stone, Thank You for Letting Me Be Myself? Do you know that one? I don't think I do. Thank you for letting me be myself again. Do you know that?

No? Anyways. If the title didn't get it. That's the song. And that's how it was written. It was thank you. And then in brackets. The words are for letting me be myself again.

But somebody was being funny at CBC because it says, thank you. And then it says, philetin. That's all one word. Philetin. Me, be, mice,

like little mice. And then the word elf again. So thank you. Thank you. Philetin me. Be mice elf again. Right? Cute.

What? But, but what? i do it i we do we do have siri working on it yeah that's what i was wondering it was like with these all programmed in by somebody speaking into a microphone yeah everything i do i do it for you um anyways i thought it was funny because every other one was spelled properly. Just that one. I'll make some calls. I was hoping secretly that it was you that you just, you were inputting them. You're planting one for me? Yeah.

Just having fun. This one's for the sly thing. This is an insider. If you get it, you get it. I don't need to hear the laughter. Yeah. Just putting it out there is enough for me. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from around the world.

What? Yeah. If you want to be one of these people, send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from James O. in Chicago. This is an overheard. My wife and I were at a restaurant in the Butchertown neighborhood of Louisville, Kentucky. Butchertown sounds violent.

Yeah, it's like the meatpacking district of New York. True, but they didn't call it like Slaughterville. Yeah, Meatland. Carcasston. We were sitting at a bar when we overheard a conversation between a father and his middle-aged son who were seated next to us.

Son, very excited. Oh man, you haven't seen Under Siege? Just wait until you see it. It's really the best one. Father, oh, wow, really? Son, yeah, there was another one, Under Siege 2. It was shitty, though. I think it took place on a boat.

Not worth it. Right? Under Siege 1 was the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Under Siege 2 was a train. Yeah, yeah. Both, I don't know, both you could argue. Were the greatest. Yeah, argue. Were the greatest.

Yeah, exactly. Were the greatest in their own way. I mean there were – I don't think two movies have won – like sequels have won Best Picture other than those two and The Godfather Part 1 and 2. No, I think Mannequin won in 2, didn't they? Oh, and D2, The Mighty Ducks. And Dude, Where's My Car? Wasn't there a sequel to that? Road Trip. You know what's weird?

When I was at my parents' house, like, I haven't seen Weekend at Birdie since whenever, like, I was a kid. I didn't realize there was more plot to it than just they found a dead guy at an apartment and then, like, pretended that he was alive. Did you know that? That's all I remember of it. Yeah. Like, and he was alive did you know that's all i remember of it yeah like and that's i mean that's the key part his arm doesn't work yeah yeah what else is there to it uh like bernie was into the mob like he had like the mob was it was the mob who killed him and then uh they're also at the same time that they're having parties at bernie's house they're also avoiding getting killed oh so they have to convince some people that he's alive.

But then the mob who killed him are still after him? Yeah, no, they're after him because he discovered the two guys, Jonathan Silverman and... Andrew McCarthy? Andrew McCarthy, yeah. They discover a discrepancy in the company's records, and it's Bernie that's the guy who's been like filtering money out of the company this is like the first 40 minutes of the film

bernie is still alive right like i didn't know that there was even really an actor i just thought it was like to some dude so they put sunglasses on and just flopped him around yeah it's an inflatable doll yeah but he's like an actual like actor and yeah so like they discover this thing and he goes to cover it up and it's the he's been siphoning money to the mob and the mob decides to kill him but then the mob realizes there's like he's been siphoning money to us let's kill him well because they were like oh these guys discovered it but he tells the mob to kill the guys and the mob decides to kill him instead but then they're like we should also kill those guys oh silverman and mccarthy yeah yeah how was he killed how was bernie he was

shot shot i think i mean i didn't make it that far i only saw the parts where bernie was still alive and then i had to go eat dinner yeah because like how was he killed because you'd think it would be like he was poisoned in a way that perfectly preserved his body. Yeah. No, they cut his head off. So he's wearing a neck bracelet. There's a few scenes where they put their hand up into his throat and make him talk like a puppet. Didn't Bernie used to have a body, guys?

No. He's always just been a head. Yeah. You guys don't remember. There's a scene where he just, the head peeks around the corner. I'll be ready in a minute. Slam his face into a cake. Yeah.

Like Mrs. Doubtfire. He shows up at a party and his head falls into the punch bowl. How embarrassing. In Weekend at Bernie's 2, it's a voodoo curse, right? What? Same Bernie? Yeah, same Bernie. There's a voodoo curse and every time he hears music, he dances.

So like, uh-oh, here comes more music. Oh no. The Miami sound machine's here. I didn't know that. I didn't know that it was like that he... That's why it won that Oscar. We can have Bernie's two still dead. Still dying.

There's a lot of rumors that they're going to get the cast back together. Oh, they can't. Bernie died. It's a prequel. This next one comes from april in denver uh was that a con april in denver i mean there's no better time the snow's melting um the trees are blossoming um the sundance film festival has either arrived or is leaving and is in a completely different state yep exactly you get it um at the uh she's at the comedy club to see paul reiser which is what was paul reiser's whole thing in comedy was him saying not so much so much that was his whole shtick well and he uh he was mad about you oh

yeah he wrote the theme song to mad about you didn't he wrote that wow yeah he wrote a couple books couplehood couplehood babyhood yeah um boys in the hood that was he wrote that screenplay and the theme song um so at the comedy club to see Paul Reiser there was a 60ish woman sitting by us who was really annoying talking to what I assumed

was her son before the show I couldn't hear his side of the conversation and she said as long as it isn't what's his name yeah George Carlin

as long as it isn't George Carlin I'm happy oh he died pretty great yeah yeah you're going out to one show George Carlin. As long as it isn't George Carlin, I'm happy. Oh, he died? Pretty great. Yeah, yeah. You're going out to one show, probably the only comedy show you've been to for years,

and you're not even sure who you're seeing? But you know that you don't want it to be a specific guy. Better not be this one guy. Yeah. Oh, I really don't like that guy. Oh, he's dead? Yes, he won't be here today. He better not be Fatty Arbuckle. But it comes up as George Carlin's head, some telling jokes.

No! Oh, no, they're playing some of his favorite songs. Budokur's brought him back. So I've got to see the sequel. I don't think I ever saw the sequel. Oh, you simply must. Yeah. I don't know if I've seen it.

Yeah. I think it's a perennial TV afternoon movie. Yeah. Yeah, if you're watching it, then it's probably really nice outside. You should probably do something else with your time. I just want to for a second. I'm curious why April thought that that was the guy's mother. Like she doesn't believe in like April.

Oh, the May, December, December. Yeah. The April, April, May, December. Yeah, no, exactly. That could have been a date. It's good. I mean, if you've got a six-year-old girlfriend, take her to Paul Reiser. It'd be hard to figure out.

That's what I would do. Where would I take? We would probably drink a lot of teas, go to different places and try their teas. Yeah. Probably go for walks, lots of walks. Slow walks, sure. Circling the park. At this point in time, I would say that there's probably a good portion of 60-year-old women that are in better shape than I am.

Yeah. It is the new 50. Yeah, that's true. But I'm in the new 20s, but in the reverse. So my 30 is the new 50. Like I went the wrong direction. You're as healthy as someone in in the 1920s yeah yeah yeah exactly like if i like i'm as healthy as one of those strong men that just ate bacon all day yeah

yeah um so yeah like uh no you're right it could have been a date um i've never dated anybody who's 60 years old but they're not ruling that out I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. It's early. Yeah, absolutely. Did you guys see that painting that went for like... B. Arthur? B. Arthur? Yeah, topless B. Arthur.

Was that real? I thought that was like some sort of joke. I didn't... No, it was really... It was a painting, I think, from the late 70s. Early 70s, I think. Early 70s? Oh, I might be wrong.

She's very... Like, she looks like from when she was on mod yeah and uh it's not a real she didn't pose for it i mean it's a real topless painting but it went for 1.2 million dollars that's yeah it seems a little uh for someone's imagination of be arthur nude yeah like i feel like i could do i could that. It wouldn't look like a woman, really. Do Golden Girls be Arthur nude? Yeah, oh, absolutely. But then mine would just look like a body with like Garfield eyes where the boobs are, you know, just circles with dots on them. Yeah.

And just like be Arthur misspelled underneath. Yeah, spelled B-E-E. She's got B-wings and a sticker. Mine's better because it's a pun. Give me a million dollars, you jerks. She's got B-wings and a sticker. Mine's better because it's a pun. Give me a million dollars, you jerk. She's got stripey boobs. Oh, man. This last one comes from M-B.

So M is E-M. Oh, okay. And B is B-E-E. Yeah. Okay. And B is B-E-E. Yeah. I was traveling back to Ohio for my parents' surprise 35th anniversary, and I just landed in the Canton Akron Airport. Oh, wow. Go to the Football Hall of Fame Museum for me. Yeah, yeah. See one of those old leather helmets that they used to wear.

Yeah, see John Krasinski's leather helmet. Yeah, wool sweaters, etc. They used to play in penny loafers. That was the most rugged shoe available at the time. Tell me about the birth of the forward pass. Yeah, there's just a whole wing that's called the lateral. So at the Canton Akron Airport, when over the the loudspeaker i heard a pair of bananas has been found if you have lost your bananas please locate security to retrieve them i repeat if you

have lost your pair of bananas please locate security to retrieve them um and so there you go yeah wow how do you uh i mean at what point does something become a suspicious package in an airport? Well, I was going to say, at what point does just leaving fruit behind constitute. An announcement? Yeah, isn't that just like, hey, look, I found some bananas. Delicious. Let's throw them out. Oh, you would say, let's throw them out.

I would say delicious. And why is someone traveling with bananas? Of all the things that can be taken with them. What if you just, like, now airport security would look weird at you if you just walked through security with a bunch of bananas. They wouldn't let you, would they? If you didn't have any luggage. Or they pat you down and, what's in here? You just got bananas taped to you?

In every pocket. Taped to your chest, like, like it's dynamite, but it's all bananas. Is there a law against taping stuff to your body and going through security? No, I don't know. I get pattened down almost every time I go through security and I always ask for the pat down. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. People just want to feel your body.

Yeah, absolutely. When we were in – I want them to. When we were in Newark, that was the only place where they didn't have the option. Oh, yeah. in newark that was the only place where they didn't have the option oh yeah that's and that's the only time that i because uh that guy i think if we if we really wanted to make a mess of things like and said like no you have to give us the option but that guy was not he was just like everybody into the scanner i want to see your penises but uh have you ever had the pat down

done by uh like a woman because usually it's always been the dude uh usually if there's a male officer available they they make it i don't know why if i guess it's to avoid lawsuits or something yeah but the if a woman pats you down they have to use the back of their hand to like which i don't get that like when a man pats you down, he uses his mouth. Tongue strong muscle. Yeah. He puts on some music. You're like, hey, wait a minute. I'm just seeing if I could taste any bombs.

Yeah. It's definitely my secret screening area. It's all like silk pillows and stuff. He puts on Lou Rawls. It's just a weird job. If you take the job as a security guy at the airport, you know the part of your job is to touch down strangers in the groin. Yeah, yeah. So you want to do that.

So when we're at the airport, we're dealing with people that want to touch us. They know that's part of the job. I'm all right with it. I'm like, it's just, you know, because they're not rough. You know, they don't box you around. They just pat you down. You're assuming that people like doing their jobs. When you go to McDonald's, are you like, oh, yeah, these people are passionate about fries.

They could have worked at Starbucks. There you go. It's true. Well, in a lot of cases, you get what you get. Yeah. I think the pat down thing, I think there's a mix. I feel like there's people's people there that at security that want to be maybe police officers or uh you know something like that so maybe they're overly

zealous and then yeah i'm sure there's i'm sure there's a couple perverts that have made it through but it's mostly people who i think want assumed they would get to look at a screen all day and see stuff in people's luggage and then they got promoted to molesters. I would rather be patted down by somebody who's enjoying it. I don't want to, like, it doesn't matter to me. You don't want to be the only one enjoying it. Yeah, exactly. Like, it doesn't matter to me if that happens to be their thing. And then they, like, remember me later when they go to the weird lair

and, like, retrace my body from memory. I'm fine with that. I always say afterwards, remember me. Remember me. Avenge me. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phone calls. If you want to call us, our number is 206-339-8328.

Like these people have. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guest. This is Spencer calling in with an overheard. I work at a school of rock in San Francisco for kids aged 7 to 17. And I just overheard

literally moments ago a middle school boy saying to other middle school boys that come to this school of rock, dude, aren't we going to have a free jazz sleepover? Seven to 17. Does a seven-year-old and a 17-year-old? Oh, yeah, they can jam.

Yeah, like. If you could do any Jack Black movie for a living, School of Rock is probably. Wait, wait, wait. He was also in that one where he owns like a VHS video store. Oh yeah, that's true. Be kind, rewind. Um, there's also one. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Where he goes to see King Kong. That's pretty good. Nacho Libre. Yeah. Ooh, I think that would be my vote. Yeah. Mexican wrestler be shallow Hal I'd be more of a show it's crazy yeah when you start listing him you're like oh he's played like all these really cool jobs like isn't there even one where he's with Ben Stiller and he invents like a thing that makes dog poo vanish

and he becomes like super rich I think it's called envy oh yeah and so anyway so he becomes like super rich. I think it's called Envy. Oh. Yeah. And so anyway, so he's like a millionaire in that. Does it work on human poo? I don't know even if. Oh, yeah. Do you know what movie I'm talking about? I never saw it, but I can picture the poster. Yeah. I don't know.

It's one of these. You know how in the. Ben Stiller's just had a string of hits. That's true. Do you know like in the 80s, there used to be this whole, like, genre of comedy where it was, like, people who are angry at other people. Like, people who just hate the person they're with in the movie. Like, The Money Pit or something like that, where it's just like, everything goes wrong, and these people just hate each other. And that's what Envy is.

It's one of those holdovers from that era. Was there – oh, what am I thinking of? holdovers from that era. Sure. Was there, oh, what am I thinking of? Like Ruthless People. Ruthless People. Yeah, like that type of movie where it was just like,

throw mama from the train. Like it was just like, all the, all the DeVito ones. Yeah. Here's a guy who just wants to kill his mom. And like, that's the plot. What was the Mel Brooks one where he lost all his money?

Life Stinks. Life Stinks. Yeah. There's like a whole genre of that where you just see like a guy like lose everything and just hate everybody and he hates a character in the movie. Kind of like a comedy version

of Falling Down, right? Falling Down, the musical. Oh boy. Right? Why not? It's a great movie. Yeah. I haven't seen it in years.

I have not seen it for years either and I don't know if I want to. I'm not sure if it holds up. You think? It's directed by Joel Schumacher. Yeah. The same guy who did Batman Forever. So that's weird.

Mm-hmm. And Batman and Robin. When was the last time you saw it? When you were a teenager? Oh, God, it's been at least 10 years. But I actually thought about it yesterday. Really? Because Burrard Street is under construction.

And I remember there's a scene that's like, ah, it's under construction. They're just trying to have construction and keep the budget going. Right. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's like that from Voluntary. That movie's like a touchstone film in my life. Yeah, it's like, it's sort of,

I don't know if it's underrated, but it's the kind of thing where it's like, oh, yeah, that might be Michael Douglas' best movie. Yeah. Up until this Liberace movie. This is going to blow the lid off. He's doing a Liberace movie? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well. It's on HBO. And I think premieres next weekend. I'm super excited about it, guys. I'm super excited. Him and Matt Damon. It's going to be great. But, yeah, like, I don't know.

Him and Matt Damon, it's going to be great. Yeah. But, yeah, like, I don't know. I feel like Falling Down might be the type of movie that, like, a Columbine kid would, like, really, you know, like, scared to get into. Why do I like that movie so much? Well, it feels like a movie like a teenage boy would just, like, everything about it is perfect. He hates minivans, golfers. He doesn't want to have a job. He can't get to have a job.

He can't get breakfast. I mean, that's really the – That's the scene. And like the most relatable thing that they stopped serving breakfast at one hour. I actually – I don't know if I – where I heard this, but I heard that McDonald's is or has started serving breakfast all day. Why not? Go with your strengths. Go – your strengths. Go, like, stop. McDonald's should stop trying to sell people salads and slices of apples

and just make the McRib a permanent thing and just call it, like, and just, like, sell, you know, every McDonald's should just have, like, a guy who sells pot in the parking lot that's, like, not technically employed by McDonald's, but he's not shooed away either what um when's the last time you had mcdonald's breakfast like a mcmuffin oh it's been ages ages because it's not it's it's always a lot i'm never up before yeah but it's it's the kind of thing where you're like i'm up at this hour i have to be like on the road for some reason. I guess so.

And yet, I'm a little... You're like, count down to when I pull over to... I have to pretend to not be excited about this. What's the one where they have pancakes instead of the bun or whatever? Hot cake? Oh, no, the McGriddle. McGriddle. Yeah. I never tried that.

I figured it's got to be so good that you have one. It is kind of good. It's got to be. Pancakes and sausage and eggs and cheese. You're like, you'll just have it and then you'll just have to have it. Then I'm a morning person now. Every day I'm up at 7. I'm eating pancakes and sausage. Showed up in a tie.

He's really pulled his life together and put on a bunch of weight. Yeah. You show up, eat the McGriddle, and go back to bed. Just tear off the thing. It's just all Velcro. Just go back to bed. I did it. I don't want the McDonald's

people to judge me. Alright, here's your next phone call. Hello, Dave and Graham and your guest. I have an overheard for you i'm a ta in a university art history class and it's pretty big and i witnessed some pretty bold sass the other day um the professor has a lot of rules and she's pretty strict so she doesn't let people talk at all. And the other day she heard someone talking and stopped her lecture and told them to knock it off, but she couldn't figure out who it was.

And then a few minutes later the talking started up again. And so she stopped and said, you there, girl in the pink shirt. So I guess she identified who it was. She said, this is your second and final warning. Why are you talking? Do you have a question? The girl waited a bit, but while it was still quiet, she replied, not for you. Whoa. Sassy.

Yeah. Yeah. U of S. University of Sass. It's a weird thing in university that a professor would be like, no talking! You think that sort of

strictness kind of goes away with high school. Also, on the flip side, if you're in university, you should know better than to talk during a class, right? Yeah, that's what texting is for. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, man, does anybody pay attention in class? I don't know, because I, like that, when I was in school, phones weren't great. Yeah. Or didn't exist. But I felt like I could be easily distracted just by doodling or, like, you know, the one semester in high school or whatever where you got a graphing calculator, just like so many buttons to play with. Oh, man, if I had an iPhone, I wouldn't –

You know what I mean? Like I couldn't – an hour lecture of just like a guy with like no PowerPoint, like no puppets, nothing. Overhead projection. No cat videos. Yeah, exactly. Just a guy talking for an hour. We, in university, we had, there were a few favorite professors I had.

One was this guy who was my political science professor, the first one I ever had, and he would just stroke his throat the whole time. That's very weird. That was the lesson? Yeah, and talk about cleavages. Like, that was the word for divisions, like ideological divisions. But he's just, like, way overusing it.

Cleavages. And he talked like that. And then my other favorite. Was that your impression of him? Did people know, like, you were doing him? Oh, me and my friend, yeah, yeah. Cleavages. And there's another guy who was another political science professor who still used overhead projections and was really sloppy.

Like he wore a coat and tie to every class, but his shirt always came undone. Yeah. Like untucked. And there was one class where he spat while speaking and it landed on the overhead projector. So it was like magnified in front of all of us and he never noticed oh did you ever have that when you were a kid like that you could do it like a one note impression of a teacher did you ever have a teacher that had like a distinct tick or anything like that not that i can remember i was so i didn't participate in school at all i

was just like you were just a rebel. Yeah. You can call that. I just wasn't interested. Yeah. You just really wanted out. That's it. I couldn't wait to be done. So yeah. Fair enough.

I had one teacher that always like for the whole class would have a coffee cup like hanging off of his one finger and he would just gesticulate with it. So that was like, you could just do. Casual teacher. Yeah. Like if you, if you just grabbed a coffee cup and go like, who am I? Like everybody like, oh, Mr. Nick. We had one teacher, Mr. Tabashnik, who wouldn't let anyone walk behind him.

He was completely paranoid about that. Like we were all going to just like stab him. Just like, ah, there it is. Finally, we get to stab our teacher. Or it was like superstition. Big Lincoln fan? I don't know what it was. It was like superstition.

Big Lincoln fan? I don't know what it was. Well, but, you know, like if you're like a guard at a prison, they always say like back to the wall, right? You never let anybody behind you. Maybe you had like a weird past. Yeah, weird like trauma that he carried into his class. Yeah. Wow.

Nobody walks behind. What was his name? Mr. Kaputnik? Tabachnik. Tabachnik. Pretty good. I think when you go for a job interview as a teacher, the first question is, what's your damage? Yeah. Oh, man.

Here's your final overheard of the day. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Zach from Los Angeles. This is a combination, drunk dial and overheard, I should say. I just left a party and heard this girl say to her friend This exact thing Anyone that goes to a Rolling Stones concert Has good taste in music

Good taste in magazines And I'm okay with you hooking up with them Do they think Do they think That the Rolling Stones Band and magazine are the same thing? It was a weird time. When they're not on the road, they're pumping those out like, all right, guys.

Yeah, exactly. Let's interview Bill Maher. Let's put Jennifer Aniston on the cover. It's Rolling Stones. It's like their fan magazine. They are absolutely like, I'd say 10% of the population thinks the same thing thinks the magazine is called Rolling Stones magazine

do you think that cause there are like they'll do one off Justin Bieber magazines that aren't like a monthly thing you see them in 7-11 do you think that people there's like a trifecta where they think that Rolling Stones the band, the magazine and that song cover of the Rolling Stone are all –

Oh, yeah. Or like a Rolling Stone. Yeah, the Bob Dylan. Oh, yeah. It was a time – like that must have been the – I don't know whatever a catchphrase is now, but like for something to become a band name, a magazine name, and a popular song title. Oh, you know what? All within the span of like five years. Everybody hated Moss back then.

It was a very anti-Moss culture. And also, have you ever thought about someone like, okay, yeah, I trust you're hooking up with this person because they have good taste in magazines. Yeah. This guy reads us. Don't do it. Oh, actually, though, if I knew somebody who read us, I probably wouldn't have said anything. Yeah, because he knows that some stars are like us. Just.

Wow. So this brings us pretty much to the end of the show. Now, Brett, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Yeah, actually, I got an album coming out. Really? Yeah, it'll be coming out later this week. Do you have a... Is it mostly covers or...

It's all Rolling Stone songs. Yeah, it's Free Trip to Afghanistan is the name. Nice. Where is it available? It is available on iTunes and also my website, brettmartincomic.com. brettmartincomic.com. brettmartincomic.com. brettmartincomic.com. Okay.

And so when does it drop? We'll say Thursday, I believe it's going to be. This Thursday. This will come out Monday evening. Monday evening, yeah. Perfect. Right on. And it's a free trip to Afghanistan?

Yeah. Nice. Oh, I can't wait to hear it. And was it recorded in Afghanistan? No. I had budgets to over that Recorded down the street actually So

Just down here Where at? In a park No At the Yuck Yuck Show Nice It was there last year And yeah

Well it's very exciting Is this your first album? It's the first one Nice Oh this will be great Yeah well I hope so It'll be great At least 6 out of 10

If any of our listeners Download it, listen to it, leave a remark on the iTunes board, right? You can leave a comment. Say, hey, this guy. I heard him on a podcast. Yeah. And I bought it, and I'm happy with it. Yeah, I bought it. I said it.

I did it. Yeah, five-star reviews only. Is the Vancouver Housewives joke on the album? It is not. Oh, you have to see you live. Yeah. It's a trick. That's how I do it.

Yeah. I'll keep them coming back. But yeah, if you go to brettmartincomic.com, I'm sure that your live tour dates are on there. Everything's there. Yeah. Okay. I may be in your town soon.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully your local version of the housewives will show up shouldn't be offended uh dave anything to plug i don't believe so i think on uh on june 6th you and i are going to be both uh as a part of the music waste festival doing the hero show at the china cloud yeah that's that's going to be fun. Yeah. That'll be fun. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do. Yeah, no.

Something Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone related. And I am going to be, I plugged it a couple times, I'm going to be in Saskatchewan. I'm going to be in Regina the 28th and 29th at the Artesian Theater. Of? Of June.

Right. And I will be in Calgary at Lolita's Lounge that's June 27th that's the Thursday and yeah if you want to buy tickets go to pickatic.com is the show at Lolita's an all age show?

I think so yeah I mean there will be a topless belly dancer there but that that just comes with the... What's that a reference to? I don't know. You've got to see the website, and then you'll be like, oh, yeah. Oh, okay.

You were referring to the book. Yeah. Ah, I didn't catch that. Bunch of old men there. This is a comedy show. Yeah. But, yeah, if you go to pickatic.com, both shows have tickets for sale uh tickets for sale there okay yeah okay so just do it uh and if you uh if you want to uh go to maximumfund.org check out the blog recap of uh

this week's episode that uh dave puts together each and every week pictures and videos relating to the content of the episode i mean i'll have that have that video of Bane Vardy. Oh, please. I'll have a photograph of a miniature van. Maybe some sort of photo or video reference to Falling Down. Well, you know. Who knows? Who knows? I'm just saying. It could be anything. It's impossible.

Come down to where you work and tell you. Maybe the Rob Ford video will be up. Maybe we can put that up. Oh, boy. Oh, if only. I'll put as much Rob Ford content on there as possible. He is. Oh, that gif of him throwing a football. I wish put as much Rob Ford content on there as possible. He is. Oh, that gif of him throwing a football.

I wish I was watching it right now. And if you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.